How To Avoid The Adult Toddler Husband Trap
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- čas přidán 16. 06. 2024
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Welcome to the third episode of our 4-part series, The Totally Chill Guide To Work & Life! In this video, Holly talks about domestic labor, the adult toddler husband, and why the idea of "having it all" does women a disservice. Preorder our new book here: www.beyondgettingbybook.com/
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I watched this video, as a man/husband, because I'm interested in not being the +1 child that my Father always joked about being.
That is definitely not something I would want to joke about. Good goal to not be like that
Same
Lol somehow they'll still accuse you of being such
Your poor mom, glad you're going to be breaking the cycle.
@@ilai7893then you should stay away from whoever “they” are, simple
it starts in childhood. NEVER automatically delegate to your daughters and not your sons
Domestic duties are WOMEN'S work!
WOMEN'S WORK!
WOMEN'S WORK!
WOMEN'S WORK!
@@BigRodd91Then being left behind is men‘s destiny.
as a single person caring for a 30+ feral cat colony, that line in the beginning saying “single life where your biggest responsibility is your feral cat colony” was so specific i had to pause the video and question my reality
Thank you for caring for them ❤
Haha thanks for what you do!
I can picture you looking suspiciously into the shadows and saying, "Is someone there?"
....as you should
Absolutely love this!
Thanks for this, it’s extremely validating. As someone who is a bit older this is a topic that was not discussed in my twenties. I declined to marry because I ended up being twice as busy while my partner took the weekends off hanging with his friends. The last straw was when I asked him to make the bed because I was busy cleaning the kitchen and he responded , “What’s the point? We are just going to mess it up again, and you’re the only one bothered by it.” I never looked back.
@@patrick7228 You don't have to get it for it to make sense. LOL plus they are divorced now, they are no longer partners. There are many people, even men, who like a tidied bed. Plus it is not just the bed being tidy it is his laziness and dismissal in his reply. It's important to her and he didnt even bother to show compassion *while* she was cleaning the kitchen. She wants a partnership and a tidy home so that includes the bed. Plus it doesn't even take long to make a bed LOL
@@patrick7228 it's a "This makes my wife happy so I'm going to do it because I love her" kind of thing. You do it because it helps her, not because it benefits you. Also while it's physically clutter, it's also mental clutter ie cleaner space, less frazzled mentally.
@@lemondrop7305 I get that her partner sucked. It was just the bed thing specifically that made me chuckle because I disagree with you. Almost zero men care about a made bed.
@@patrick7228That’s why human females can decide not to marry or cohabitate with human males. You can have everything as you like and cut off that chronic irritation all together.
Marriage is not for everyone.
Growing up with two working parents, seeing my dad not help around the house (except the occasional, not-nearly-as-time-consuming "man stuff," like mowing the lawn) and my Mom stressed and grumpy all the time, I vowed to never marry a man like that. He caused my mom so much stress, all the time claiming to be an ally of women, saying women are actually better than men! I have realized he tells himself stuff like that to basically make himself feel better for letting Mom do so much work. Instead of helping her, he just watched while telling her her suffering was noble.
I don’t think it’s learned helplessness, it’s malicious compliance. “I don’t want to help, so when she asks for help I will do it so wrong that I actually make things worse and she then has to do twice the work by fixing my “helping.”
My ex said literally this. He heard it on some bro-dude podcast and thought it was hilarious and used it to stop doing so many things and eventually copped to it when I said something like, "Who actually puts forks away like this?!"
It's a very generous claim you make that men are "oblivious to their own learned helplessness".
That might be the case for some of them, possibly the younger ones.
But some toddler husbands are super old and never seem to have learned any housework or childrearing skills in all the years they witnessed their partners do it all.
I think most men know how to work the system very well and they use it for their benefit.
They're not helpless at all, they're very smart and feign being clumsy and clueless so that women give up on asking anything of them.
The best way to appear helpless is discussed by men in threads where some of them ask "how can I get my wife to stop asking me to take care of the kids/the house".
Not going to disagree with you here!
I've heard this referred to as "weaponized incompetence"
yup, lots of men know how to manipulate their partners in order to avoid equal division of household labor. ladies, if you experience this, just send them packing. you can do better. being alone is better than being someone's maid.
I see this as lack of survival capability, especially in elderly widowers. They can manage finances, and the garden but making food delicious and looking after the housework is not a skill they prioritise.
Remarriage is essential if grown up daughter won’t take them on
@chocobere you are spot on!
I used to be someone who thought that the person who makes less money should do more of the household work, but I 100% do not believe that anymore. It all comes down to hours. You can work the same 40 hour week and just for whatever reason make less money, I know this all too well as a special ed teacher, the amount of labor and time I work throughout the week is more than people I know who make six figures.
I’m currently pregnant and newly married so this video really resonated with me. Many men do know how to do domestic chores there’s just a lack of ownership of them which means they always assume someone else is going to do them
@@paperhana thank you 😊
Congratulations also on your realization that housework should not be divvied according to income but to time and effort spent outside the home and that includes the commute. My commute was 2 hours/day more than his. And I stress WAS😂
Hopefully you can take that realization and the tools offered in this vid to help you along a more equitable marriage and thus thriving family. Many women are turning their backs and marriage and children because of this. Fertility rates are falling and will continue to fall for as long as marriage is remains unappealing for women.
I want to take a moment to publicly appreciate my wonderful husband, who shares the household workload with me in the most loving, egalitarian way you can imagine. Each of us pulls a little harder when the other is struggling and it’s wonderful. I feel so loved and supported. I know this is not everyone’s experience, but it is mine, so I wanted to share. ❤
This is mine too. So very grateful to have such an equitable relationship, friendship and partnership.
Positive stories are the light in the window on a darkened night - they draw us towards safety.
Happy for you! Positive stories are pure joy
Do you have a chore chart? How exactly did you manage to get him to get off his butt and remember to help??? 😅
@@sarahkercheval8964 for my partner, he doesn’t need a reminder. He sees something that needs doing and does it. There is also something to be said for communication. I ask for what I want and he does the same. We also both know we need to manage our expectations. Saying thank you when he gets the mail, does the dishes or vacuums can go a long way. We have a team mindset that’s respectful, empowering and autonomous - there is not one best way to do something - if I need help I need to accept that he will do it in his own way and that getting it done is more important than perfection.
I am single divorced mother. The moment I kicked my daughter's father out was the beginning of getting my life back because suddenly he was forced to take care of her in a manner that allowed me to leave the house on my own terms. He'd promptly drop her off with his mother, but not my problem anymore.
Mothers: teach your sons how to be equal partners or don’t complain when he just drops of his kid with you later 😅
Can you write that in English?
This is why it's sooo important to live with someone before getting married. Division of domestic labour is not exactly a common theme in romance novels, but it can make or break a relationship.
Men often complain that women get naggy, grouchy and don't 'take care of themselves' as much as time goes on. But how are you expected to maintain a happy attitude and care for your looks if you have to do the work of an employee and a stay at home mum? It sounds exhausting.
My husband and I do about equal amounts of home labour. And our equal contribution is what allows us both to have more free time, maintain decent mental health and take care of ourselves physically.
M3n are the ones usually nagging for f00d, laundry, s3x and everything. It’s just projection.
Not to mention how unattractive the husband quickly becomes. Why would I want to be intimate with a man who literally watches me struggle and does NOTHING.
That is exactly why most women have a glow up when they finally get rid of a lazy man who contributed little to nothing besides more demands on her time and energy.
Men often change after marriage. They can trick you, but once you're married, they show true colors
I had the toddler husband with my first husband. That didnt last... Due to other more serious issues (his drug addiction) but I am now married again... And it is completely different. He is a partner and it is soooo much better and more worth it. I would rather be single than be someone's maid. I just want to clean after myself, and my kids till they learn to clean up after themselves.
Remarriage after divorce if a previous spouse is still living is adultery according to the Bible. You cannot remain a Christian in that adulterous state; I know- i was in that state, but vacated the unlawful relationship.
==> He [Jesus] answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:12)
==> By law, a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress (Romans 7:2-3).
==> A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39) (You can live alone, but cannot remarry)
In the past 3 years I have been the sole breadwinner in my household for the first year, the last 2 of those three years, I have been the main earner. I do the vast majority of household chores. I would say 90% and he only “helps” when I get pissed off… I don’t think I will hold on too much longer
Yeah, if you are working and he isn't, he should do all the housework. That's only fair. This is supposed to be a team effort.
Be freeee girl.
Free yourself. Dont age yourself or burn out. Youll regret it.
Ugh too relatable. I mean, c'mon dude. Why do I have to remind you about every little thing? I feel like he should just want to do these things naturally. I hate becoming the stereotypical nagging ball-and-chain.
This is also financial abuse when you look at your time as valuable
Don't marry someone who hasn't lived on their own for at least 3-4 years without roommates. Some people wouldn't survive the winter without someone to drag them through life.
As a husband I feel like this video was 'graceful' towards us. I used to have the attitude that because I work really hard at my dayjob I should be able to relax at home but what I finally realized is that's not fair to my wife who also works really hard at her dayjob and needs her time to relax too. I also quit drinking which helped me pull my head outta... The place it was previously.
Completely agree with a majority of the points that you’ve shared. I do want to add in by saying we women tend to add invisible tasks on our own plate and get mad at our partner that they aren’t sharing the load. Nobody cares if you didn’t buy or change your decor for a particular holiday. Funnily enough we do this for the other women in our lives. Women judge us harder than men. The men couldn’t care less if your kitchen towel and table linen was Easter themed. Some of it is judgement from an older generation that did things differently. We don’t want to be judged or chastised by the women around us and that ends up being additional stress on us.
That is a good point. I’ve caught a lot of hell from other women for basically cleaning and organizing like a guy. Got away from that toxic femininity, and realized that there are just different ways of being.
I don’t really get decorations and am utilitarian.
People forget that gender conflicts like this are not actually about men versus women, but about people supporting patriarchal norms versus everybody else
Love this point! Fully agree! And I would add that all that kind of crazy holiday stuff just feeds the consumerism machine and is usually environmentally awful. I have never been into that sort of thing and always find it weird, but other women have taken swings at me by implying I am lazy or grinchy or just don't understand the importance because I am not a mother. It's not important, it's a waste of time and money, and certainly not a reason to get on your high horse about "doing everything". Personal pet peeve is the endless stupid kids birthday cake competitions, please ladies stop showing me pictures of your baked goods and being disappointed when I am unimpressed, I will give you $50 to buy a cake and not show me a picture.
That's so true! We women often impose this kind of slavery on ourselves. I've seen that dynamic in my own family. My stepmother had impossible cleaning, order and decor standards, to the point it was the only thing she'd talk about all day and drive everyone around her mad. She used to have this shelving unit with family portraits my father would get angry about, because cleaning required removing every single portrait and dusting each one of them individually. The role that women play in creating unnecessary household tasks for the sake of "turning a house into a home" is definitely something that should be taken into account, and I also think it's typical from the new generations. Believe it or not my grandma used to clean much less. She had to take care of 5 children, while managing the household, while working, so perfection was never her priority. My advice for good work-life balance: try to be more minimalistic, accept messiness sometimes and ignore other people's opinions.
I never got the point of having a whole bunch of cheap seasonal decor in the house when we don't have kids, but I have recently started grabbing dollar store seasonal themed towels and tossing them in the kitchen. They're functional at least.
As a person with a disability, people can often mistake me being unable to do things for "learned helplessness" - if I weren't in pain all the time I would be doing more, as a woman I don't want to be like this. But my dad gets mad about "doing extra" when my mom and I are both ill, so the things just don't happen.
Oh, I know how that feels. My dad is a Narcissist and expected high praise every time he did basic chores. And he loved holding it over our heads that he made the money - even though my mom took care of everything so that he could have a high-paying job that took all his attention. And of course, my mom defended him constantly.
Cutting them out of my life was the best thing I ever did. I don’t know if the answer is the same for you and I don’t want to assume - but don’t rule it out either
I’m also disabled and it has helped me to realize this as something that is sometimes part of a social power dynamic. It is extremely different to not do something because you can’t safely do it, vs, because you don’t want to or are entitled. But people who “expect” women/kids/whoever to do a lot of housework (perhaps more than their fair share) or who want to establish a feeling of superiority (due to ableism) get BIG mad, instead of focusing on creative practical solutions that would work better for everyone. They pile on guilt but don’t change anything or try anything new because it’s really about reinforcing a social hierarchy for them, not finding a solution to housework problems. This has been a huge problem for me in the past and even though i know the guilt isn’t reasonable I still feel it.
I understand from the other people's perspective though. Are they just supposed to do more work and be okay with running themselves ragged? I don't really have a solution, but you kind of have to understand why people might not want to constantly care for someone else. Maybe the solution is paying someone
@@TMeyer-ge5pj yes, the solution is paying someone - but someone has to be able to be consistently paid and fairly paid.
Sometimes, the source of our issues is simply different point of view. What my husband sees as clean, I see as cleanish. But I had to learn to let it go. If I keep redoing his task, he will simply stop doing them because - what’s the point?!
And, most of the time, he is right is I rationalize it to myself. We do not need to live in desinfected Haus. Especially now with having a toddler, I had to learn that mess is ok.
I grew up with a mother who was doing everything by herself, nagging and yelling that no one is helping. And whenever somebody did something, she would complain it was not good enough. I just don’t want to fall into “it is good enough only when I do it” trap. Even when my toddler does something, I thank him and say how skillful he is. And I never let him see I redo it after him.
He is capable. He has to be. He is a man. And he needs to learn to take care of himself.
I‘m not Living in garbage because of a man.
I grew up in an egalitarian household and was shocked at how the majority of our society function as a family unit. definitely a learning curve on how to deal with it. But I am so grateful that my parents set up a really good standard for me.
Yeah my dad was the one as a teen who said “You’re old enough to not need a list. Use your eyes and find something to do.” The beautiful thing about having a household where everyone works, future potential partners who don’t participate in the household just seem confusing or unattractive.
Are you American?
@@PeopleStreamyes?
I was that wife, the one that worked and had to do all the domestic labour even that I earn a good salary. I gave up on him. Better alone.
That’s right! ❤
As a gay man with many straight married woman who just joke about how their husband is like “another kid”, I can’t believe how smart these women are in other aspects of their life but can’t hold their husbands accountable.
they just don't want constant battling for doing chores. For some women it's easier to do something than to fight with their spouses to do it.
Can't order a maid to clean up after themselves either
so there's a lot of multi faceted components to unpack, you have to make an allowance for an unreliable narrator and chore blindness, she's telling you what she wants you to know based on her ability to perceive his "lack of unpaid labour". if he's on his own and he'd be saving a lot of consumption spending, subsidizing your female friends lifestyle. and as for the toddler husband, if he runs a household differently than she does, does she demand he conform to her operational standard, rather than compromise?
also all the stereotypical husband jobs, car maintenance, yard work, home repairs, etc are all dismissed, that's willful ignorance on the wife's part. are there dudes that take a free ride in the house, most definitely, is it an epidemic of moronic man children? possible but highly doubtful.
"If this isn't an issue for you, I don't know why you watched this video."
It's not an issue for me now. It has been in all my previous relationships though, and I want to be able to understand the phenomenon and help other people.
Right. As if one shouldn't educate yourself on important societal problems unless they concerns you specifically.
I love the chill vibes here - the main thing I stress about when it comes to finance channels and tips is the "image" they have of perfection and hustling, when I really prefer to live a life where I can approach work and money from a more chill and calm place 😌 - excited for the book release and this series. Thank you!!
Ikr! Feels like everyone on the internet is having like 2 side jobs and hustling 24/7. I don't want that for myself. At 38 I want calm and easy work/life balance.
My husband has always done an equal (or perhaps even bigger) share of the household labor, and without being asked. I attribute this to a few things, including, but not limited to his upbringing (my mother in law never let any of her kids weasel out of chores or responsibilities), living as a bachelor with a sense of responsibility and pride of place until he was almost thirty (so he was used to doing all the household chores on his own for years before we even met), and his own personality. He can see what needs done around the house and just gets it done.
I do housework and chores and so forth because I live in my own space and would feel humiliated and ashamed of myself if I couldn't take care of these things. Embarrassment is a very strong motivator for me as a dude
🥰
What works great for us is having a set day of the week for major household chores. This is the day we vacuum, laundry, clean the bathroom, do groceries, etcetera. We both share what we think should be done and then we prioritize and divide tasks together. We definitely didn’t start with the same knowledge and skills but this is a great way to learn and adapt together. (Of course this doesn’t work with everyday tasks like cooking and tidying up. We did divide those tasks and set rules on where things should go).
Thanks for this. I don’t have kids either, and I’m with you, I’m exhausted too. 😅
Men who keep a clean house and have good personal hygiene are HOT!
wish i knew some🙄
But they don't need/want women spoiling their lives 😅
I wasn't raised by a mother so I didn't learn a lot normal things how to properly cook, clean and other normal stuff because my dad didn't teach me as kid. So I'm watching this video to learn how not to be incompetent husband in the future.
7:43 - I wonder if she catches the irony that her "solution" of just pointing out the inequity by making a color-coded spreadsheet still fell on her as the woman to make the spreadsheet.. lol And of course if you have a husband like my ex-husband the issue is never that they "don't know" that its not equitable, it's that they think that's how it should be. But good luck
I once had a flat mate who had no idea what you need to do to keep up with a houshold. We used an app for a while and it became pretty obvious that I was doing 75% of all the work. We sat down and I asked him to make a spreadsheet so that we would not rotate our tasks anymore but each of us had tasks that he / she is responsible for and the other one just did not have to do at all.
He assigned taking out the trash that only needs to be taken out every other week for himself as well as caring for the vacuum robot. He assigned caring for the recycling (that needs to be taken to a location) and taking care of the organic trash (that needs to be taken out everyday in the summer) to me, as well as doing the grocery shopping, washing the laundry and cleaning the bathroom. He didn't see any problem at all with this distribution of tasks.
Be careful, ladies.
She literally acknowledged it in the next sentence XD But I do get being watchful about that kind of thing. Take care of yourself and have a lovely day!
Very interesting video topic, yet again! Looking forward to the book🎉
My four year old insisted on mopping the kitchen yesterday. The mop handle was too long and was knocking stuff off the bench. Bought a kid sized one last night, along with a rectangular sized bucket that fits the mop head better. He was absolutely thrilled and did a beautiful job mopping the floor this morning 😍
I have a toddler husband and as someone who is disabled it make everything 10 time harder since there are things I simply cannot do myself but he either won't help with or I have to hear a week of griping about anytime I remind him. Sometimes actual years go by, he learned all of this from his father. He hated grocery shopping because it took us about 2hrs on average to get out of the store so I started making online orders and all he had to do was stop there a he drove by on his way home. But now he gripes about having to make the 5 min stop. I've asked him to help out more and even listed a few things and he says if I just tell him what I want him to do he will do it (not true). I told him it's obvious if the trash is full take it out, scoop the litterbox when it needs it, unload the dishwasher if I have flipped the sign to clean, etc but he says he can't notice stuff like that and that I need to tell him and remind him. And then he gets angry I ask. Hi mother did apologize to me once that she never taught hi to iron lol! He can barely pour a bowl of cereal
I just don't understand publicly disrespecting him like this. So he has imperfections. So what? It actually hurts my heart to read your unkind words about him. You have a youtube profile picture with the two of you smiling happily and yet you're online, talking crap about him. How would you feel if he got online and said such things about you? I bet you anything he will step up his game if you make him feel more loved and respected.
@@neurodivercyndi omg sheesh they took a cute pic together once, so what? Does that mean she doesn’t get to gripe about him whenever she wants to? This is an open forum, she can vent about her man if she wants to. His behavior is embarrassing himself. But of course you’re blaming her for not loving him enough when he needs to be told the dishwasher like a child. Do you think he needs to be told to read his emails at work?
@@miaomiaou_ If you are online using your real name and photo, talking crap about ANYONE, it's not cool. I would not do it to a friend, my sister, my husband, anyone. It's not right. You did, however, hit the nail on the head with "telling him to unload the dishwasher like a child." She is TREATING him like a child and quite frankly she deserves any repercussions of such blatant disrespect.
im guessing she is totally frustrated as shes got some disabilities shes been dealing with. i imagine if you were in her situation / shoes you might get frustrated too when your husband is like another little kid.!!! its sad that shes stuck in this situation. and he knows it. ugh.
4 kids here. I stayed home with the kids before going back to teaching. My husband works at home, makes considerably more than me, and does all the laundry, makes suppers most nights and tidies up. Looks like I’m in the minority!
I’m envious but very happy for you! It’s the way it should be.
I think a lot of it starts with accepting that different doesn't necessarily mean worse. I got told I was doing it wrong when I made crêpes instead of pancakes. People tend to stop doing things if the only thing they hear is what they did wrong.
Yeah there is certainly a difference between doing things badly and doing them differently. But you shouldn't just stop doing it, the work still needs to get done. These are just things that need to be worked out.
I am the „husband“ (not married), and I work 40h and do the household (cooking and laundry), and we share childcare about 50/50. my girlfriend does a PhD 🤷🏻♂️
Congrats!
Can you not afford a maid?
@@user-yw8qf8cc3t
no, pay for doing a PhD is low
Clear tasks is so helpful! We have set days for the dog care, work at home as also cook day. My husband does all the vacuuming and cleans the bathroom, I do the dusting and the kitchen. Groceries get delivered once a week, pick something up between office and home if we need it. Now we have a fresh baby in the hospital and even now with going back and forward that division of labour keeps us afloat and able to focus on what's more important
3:21 REMEMBER> Being single & childfree is an option. (reducing the requirements from 6-4).
If your hobby is also keeping you fit, you've hit the jackpot (reducing the requirements from 4-3).
If you work with your friends, and do your hobbies with your friends (reduced from 3-2).
Now you only need 2, instead of 6
This is exactly the frustration I had with my past partner. We made a similar list and delegated and when I’d ask him about how his tasks were going, he say “hey you just have to remind me and I’ll do it no problem!” It was extremely frustrating. Y’all worded things so well.
Task ownership really is the big differential. For the cat: I take care of food/water, he takes care of the litterbox. For the lawn: He takes care of the mowing and the hedges, I take care of the edging, the weed whacking along the fence, and the pots on the porch. For meals: I cook, he's on dish duty.
We'll flex around these if one person is traveling or super busy with a project, but for the most part this lets us squeeze in all the things we want to do, in addition to what we NEED to do to live a more or less healthy and productive married life.
on my online dating profile i list a few bare minimum standards that are non-negotiable - you must cook, clean, have good hygiene, a career and a car. i went out with a guy who claimed to be "dating intentionally," but clearly hadn't really looked at my profile when we met because he somehow didn't know i had tattoos. i realized if he hadn't noticed the pictures of my tattoos on my profile, he probably didn't read my bare minimum standards. on date 2, i found out he didn't cook, just eats take out every day (how???). he asked if i would rather have a personal chef or chauffeur if i had unlimited money, to which i answered honestly "neither." why did he ask this?? is he trying to find out what i will do for him vs. what he can just pay for if we were to get married? gross. anyway, no date 3. i'm non-traditional enough that i would rather date a woman or just be single than even sleep with a man who doesn't behave like an equal
Nice men don't like women obliterated in scribbles.
I am seriously considering divorcing my husband for the amount of time he spends with our kids. I understand he chooses to work long hours but it is a point where he is only spending 20 minutes a week one on one time. I feel that they would get more time if it was a court mandated Saturday for half a day
Wow that's dark. Should probably discuss that with him and not strangers on the internet.
Hope everything ends well for all
Is it out of necessity?
No we are financially comfortable, girlfriends shrug and say oh well it’s his relationship he’s trashing, but the flip is I’m paying male employees to fill these roles
Like I literally hired someone to teach my son how to shave! I put it off as much as possible till it reached a point it couldn’t be
It must be a cultural thing; my Dad was a macho type mechanic and Mom worked and both did dishes, cleanup/cooking. It was in a farming cummunity and that was normal. Kids/housework, everyone worked, it was how I was raised. It wasn't "babysitting", it was looking after and raising children.
Cheers from the Pacific West Coast of Canada.
So many of my female colleagues however senior they are, say that they do social activities for the family, planning and budgeting for holidays. Even small tasks like this shows how supportive your partner is.
I have unpopular opinions on this. My husband and I are a child-free couple, each with our careers, so admittedly atypical. But in our house things have always felt even and I put this down to the fact that neither of us is controlling about HOW things get done. In our friends relationships, especially those with children, quite frankly I see my female friends being very domineering about how and when things need to be done. This is especially true with child care, the husbands are constantly being told their way is shit and my female friends take over everything. Their husbands eventually give up, which may be weak but also totally understandable. In our house we exchange zero criticism on how we each get stuff done. We are a team, his way may be different from my way but who cares. I think so many issues about workload also included issues of controlling behaviour. You can have equity or you can have everything done exactly how you want it done, but you won't get both.
I don't think you can say someone is wrong for having certain standards about the way they take care of their home. If a couple is unwilling to find compromise on those standards, maybe they're not right for each other. But you shouldn't have to settle and be forced to choose between taking on the whole workload or living in substandard conditions.
Hey I totally agree with this, I touched on it briefly with the "task ownership" aspect I mentioned towards the end of the video! And it is discussed more in the book :) -Holly
@@simonsaysism I think the whole idea that one person's standards should be another person's problem isn't fair. My husband hates seeing laundry in the hamper, I am fine with it for days, but it bothers him so he does it every day. His choice, he does more laundry, I say thank you. I should not be guilted into doing daily laundry because of his quirk. On the other hand I cannot stand to see any food dry on used dishes, I usually rinse them immediately, my choice, he says thank you. It's fine.
@@andreadekrout5222 sure, that can work if both partners have varying standards that they can balance. The problem is when one person has higher standards across the board. I agree with you that it's not great for one person to be pushed into higher standards than they care to maintain. All I'm saying is that it goes the other way too. I'm saying this couple is probably just not a great pair.
@@simonsaysism that is fair, and is true for a lot of things, if you have totally different views on what's important in any parts of life it's probably going to be a rough road!
Excellent!
I'd like to have a more equitable balance in my household, but it's hard to let go of a lot of tasks that I'm taking ownership of, I guess out of a need for control.
same. I can‘t let my wife do the laundry!
Thanks for sharing, this is a really big thing for lots of people! If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading Eve Rodsky's "Fair Play". It helped me a lot :)
Tiffany Dufu talks about "home control disease" in her book Drop The Ball, which I found pretty illuminating!
@@thefinancialdiet interesting, thank you for the recc!
Is it because you know that if you let go of these tasks, that's only going to create more work and stress for you? A lot of time women get blamed for having "too high" standards when there are actual reasons they want things a certain way. Like it drives me nuts that women are told to accept whatever halfhearted work their husband does around the house. F that. Badly done work is worse than not even attempting it at all
Watching this on June 14th. So ready for those videos you promised!
I do agree that the methods she has come up with are very smart and useful, I can't help but feel like she had this conversation with her husband, he agreed to use it , but justified the gap in house work with the fact that he earned more and so contributed more financially to the household and now we are all here like "I can't believe this idea didn't work, can y'all try this and see that it works?" kinda vibe...
Great video
I am keenly aware of this dynamic and try to avoid falling into the trap of being the lazy man who does nothing around the house.
I'm an adult toddler wife and I'm not the bread winner. Feel blessed.
It's all about finding a fair balance. Just make sure you don't fall too much of a victim to the grind and enjoy life
I watched this video as a woman in a relationship with a woman because we've both been stuck as the "doer of all things" in previous relationships with men, and I was hoping to get some ideas. Thanks! I think the spreadsheet might be something to discuss, less because either of us does all the qork, but more because both of us ate terrified of becoming like the adult male children we'd previously dated. (I suppose the opposite is that we BOTH do the work, which is how we keep winding up with double what we need because neither of us is used to not having to buy/plan/fix everything.)
That is an interesting new issue we’re starting to see as same-sex couples become more normalized and common.
Thanks for this video! It really does apply across the board, so the title was perfectly click-baity while bringing so many relevant points and good solutions to some problems faced in any household!!!
Holly is giving ALOT of Chelsea vibes. I love it! 😊
My three favorite channels: The Financial Diet, Stock Brotha, & How Money Works. Make my week complete! 🔥 🔥 🔥
Don’t know about stock brotha will check that one out
Never heard about the second one
I have an adult male friend who I would not wish on any woman. His inability to do anything is shocking -- cooking, grocery shopping, paperwork, making decisions. He is so into "his stuff" that he never bothered to learn any normal activities and tasks. It's frustrating to have to walk him through how to do the simplest things -- like putting a piece of chicken in the oven and have it come out done.
The issue is his (and many other guys') focus on the cool things of life. Sports, TV, movies, video games, toys -- and avoiding any conflict. His work is very cut-and-dry -- so there's no real learning to be a grown up there. Honestly, I'm glad he has never had kids or a serious girlfriend.
It's funny seeing Holly doing videos after all this time. It's like you've been watching a movie about a real person and an actor was playing them, and at the end you get to see the real person the movie was based on, and you can hear the same voice in the words even though it's a different face saying them.
Omg 🥺
My bf makes less and also does less house work. Always has time for his gaming and sports hobbies tho! But not time for applying to better paying jobs. Can only nag so much tho
Had a girlfriend like him this last year. Leave him, people like that will only change when they decide that they need to.
Don't nag, don't walk, RUN! It's only going to get worse.
See this is why it is good to move in and have a trial run before marriage. He needs to step up and be a better partner if this is going to work out.
I mean, I know it’s hard to hear - but he made his decision so you need to make yours
@@scootergirl3662It's SOOOO hard to hear. I wish I could have conveyed it they way you did!
The delegation of tasks isn’t the problem. They know trash goes out on Tuesday, and it’s their responsibility, but will wait until 11 pm on Monday night to do it. After being reminded. That’s 90% of men because of how they’re socialized. I kinda find this to be a losing battle. If they didn’t grow up with assigned chores and responsibilities then it’s hardly ever teachable at 25+. I just plan to get hired help as soon as we can afford it. For everyone’s sanity.
I don't understand. If the trash needs to go out on Tuesday and he does it before Tuesday...then what is the issue? I mean I have seen many people, women and men, take their trash out early in the morning on trash day. Is that some kind of failure?
Don't remind him to do his tasks. In my experience, you need to let them take the fall and just shrug your shoulders. In my case, I took over all the cleaning in the house and my boyfriend was responsible for the kitchen (organizing the food, cooking, doing the washing up). The point being that I really can't live in a dirty flat (so couldn't have just overlooked it if he hadn't cleaned it properly) whereas I am very tolerant what meal is put in front of me. I ended up with rice every two days but that was much more tolerable than taking on the task of supervising him (I am NOT his mother!).
@@johnpoole3871 it was just an example. Switch it out for whatever you want. The point is the procrastination and “forgetfulness”. Sure you could wash your clothes for work at 5 am on Monday morning but why do that when you had all weekend? Plan ahead and don’t put everything off until the last possible minute.
@@johnpoole3871 Imo, the problem is that many husbands need to be reminded of their chores constantly, like a child that is supposed to help the mother. In their heads, it’s still mostly the wife’s responsibility to organize the household, and thus her responsibility to remind him of his tasks around the home. She’s carrying the mental load even for the things he is supposed to take care of. But I agree with you that it shouldn’t be a problem if he takes out the trash at the last minute, as long as he gets the job done on time.
The thing is...I have never had to delegate tasks or ask female roommates to do anything. The majoirty of them just do what needs to be done and it feels equal. This is for sure a man problem on the whole
Holly, loved this video! Random question - what lip product/color are you wearing? I am also a bright winter and love everything about your look :)
This completely made my day. It is glossier ultra lip in vesper!
i do make double my husbands income and do the dishes, laundry, sweep/mop/dust, but he does the cooking and takes out the trash and does his own wash by hand only extra fancy coffee machine stuff.
this TFD host is great :) 👍🏽
YES! YES! YES! Having to to know which tasks need to be done, when they need to be done, why they need to be done, how they need to be done, who needs to do them, what resources are needed to do them; then availing the resources to do them, reminding someone to do them & instructing them how to do them & monitoring if they were done right IS THE WORST . . . Even if they do the task.
Because you go from performing said task, to managing it. It is still Work. That is why managers are paid in companies.
If the task is yours, it should not be on my mind
The upper gold handle is not level, and that is most of what my eyes kept darting to.
Does anyone have a link to the household spreadsheet?
I think it was through seeing another TFD video in my Recommendations a few months ago that I first learned of the idea of the Adult Toddler Boyfriend/Husband, and though I like to think I'm not a "lazy slob" or anything, I recognized some bad habits in myself and have been working hard on trying to fix them.
So of course, my wife asked me if my newfound attentiveness was because I had cheated or done something similarly terrible and trying to make up for it 😅
Yeah these videos have made also me a little neurotic about what I do around the house. Hehe.
I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart that you watched videos like those and the decided to proactively make changes rather than feeling defensive! Also lol!
So what happens when both partners use weaponized incompetence?
The expectations from Having a partner who turns out to be like a child is plan exhausting. I’m not picking up the slack of HIS parents.
I told my ex that “if this relationship doesn’t work out, I will remain single” and now everything is so much easier on my own.
Ladies, choose yourself. Your peace is worth more than unhealthy relationship.
The only way to avoid the adult toddler husband trap is to stay single and childfree. Study after study shows that single women are happier and live longer. I bought my home at 30. I don't see a point in a relationship with a male. They can't cook, clean, or do chores without a woman telling them what to do. I am not interested in caretaking. I think it's crazy to be a caretaker to an able-bodied male for free, even if you are 'iN lOvE'.
1,000% agree!
Agreed. I have already a p...y don't need another one.😊
Good on you, but for others, like myself, having children has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my life. Sure I could have stayed a successful single male, and done whatever I like, only pursuing my own interests, but I ended up falling in love with someone who wanted children and oh my is it the most incredible thing ever! We also have run a divide and conquer setup for about 7 years, where one of us works and the other looks after the home etc... and are about to transition into both working part time as a job in my partners career has come up, I guess I just wanted to let you know that you can find happiness with someone else as well as being single and it can depend on who you are. Go forward with love and enjoy whatever positive path you choose!
@@loquekYour experience as a male isn't relevant when I'm talking about women's experiences in the context of thousands of years of global patriarchy. We know marriage and nuclear families benefit males greatly. That is why women should think twice about sacrifing our lives, setting ourselves on fire, to keep males warm. Y'all die sooner without a woman. Studies show it. Women die sooner with one of you at our ankles. Studies show it. Women have a different cost analysis to calculate, and I'm not interested in the male experience.
Jesus I can only imagine the type of shit you've been through to think like that. I'm sorry.
My adult toddler husband was a wife!
Well, these are averages. There are lots of outliers and exceptions. And in the video, despite the title, she talks about how dividing the housework is important in any situation where adults live together.
Married man here. No kids. Title is a bit extreme for what the content was, but I get it. It’s YT, need an attention grabber for the clicks.
My wife does the vast majority of the cleaning. Dishes, vacuuming, and bathrooms. We pretty much split the cooking. I handle the grocery shopping, laundry, and financial responsibilities. The cleaning aspect is weird bc the tolerance level is different for us. She thinks everything is dirty all the time. I’ll clean the toilets when I see a ring in the toilet. The tolerance level I think is the big reason between the amount men and women cleaning.
Side note. Guys will also go out of their way to not make a mess. My wife was gone for 4 days. I bought two large pizzas so I did not have to cook. Used paper plates so I did not make any dishes. And only used one bathroom, couch, and bed. My wife thinks I’m weird, but she came home to a clean house 😁
I want to ramble on a thought I had. On average women have and respond higher to negative emotion than men. Probably one of the reason why they feel the need to do something about it or take responsibility for household labor.
I really like the idea mentioned here of talking and coming up with a spreadsheet for tasks and who does what. I can only speak for myself, this approach is not about guilting the partner, it’s problem-solving. I enjoy doing that, its like a puzzle.
Are there any videos on TFD addressing the outlier couples where unfortunately one spouse ends up in an adult toddler/teenager wife trap? It would be great to teach young women to avoid using marriage as a way to leave everything to their spouse, male or female. Because unfortunately this does happen, where some adult women only see marriage as a milestone and once they achieve it, they neglect the relationship, similar to the adult toddler husband examples given in this video.
I'd imagine that a lot of the same rules apply, right? Get on the same page about what roles and tasks you're willing to manage.
I think you males always try to be obtuse and play devil's advocate, but who advocates for satan? Y'all are so weird. You can't admit statistically proven trends because you always need to maintain that it's women's fault and that males are helpless victims of women. Aren't you allegedly the stronger s ex?
Are you talking about household division of labor, or about maintaining the emotional bond in a long term relationship?
@@supernova622I’d reckon those both would fall under “relationship responsibilities”. Those being duties that pertain in some level to the item, i.e. the relationship, shared between you and the partner in question
I’m not gonna say I haven’t seen it. It’s just far less common then the toddler husband.
Doesn’t mean it isn’t still issue though. I’ve had a few women in my life who I have gotten very frustrated with because they basically refused opportunities to get better and kept falling back on relying on a man. But even then it usually was that the only thing they were comfortable doing, was cooking and cleaning. But otherwise they had so much learned helplessness.
Men shouldn't be doing equal household work, with the exception of doing their own laundry and cleaning their own mess (have some dignity) and handywork/yard work. Men's focus should be managing the finances, working longer hours at work, and planning the future. In a relationship, men are the captain, women are first mate. And it's been this way since antiquity for a reason. Honestly, as a man how many times have you TRIED to clean something, only for women to get angry and say you haven't done a good job and point out like a single crumb on the counter that you missed? Women are just more detail focused for such things.
Revolution, baby!!!
@thefinancialdiet In previous videos Chelsea mentioned that women entering the workforce may have contributed to depressed wages. Is there any other videos where this topic is more explored? I feel like we could have had a 4 day workweek and an expansion of the middle class but nope :(
It’s sad how many men I see that are millennials and gen z age and still don’t know how to cook or clean. To be fair they tend to at least be more self-aware about it, and willing to learn. But we really need to do better than that.
How about don’t marry guys that are bums. That’s the real problem here.
While I agree that it is important to split household work and child rearing evenly, I think that all of the work that is traditionally assigned to a male such as household DIY projects/fixes, car maintenance, and other small machine (mower, snowblower, etc) upkeep is often taken for granted. I understand that this is more of a small town/suburban concept since people in NYC don’t generally own cars, and it is very much a traditional “Dad” thing to do to fix things, but it is still time out of their day that often goes unappreciated.
Lawn care and car fixes are not the same thing as even the single job of feeding a household three meals every day, and meals are just one job out of dozens. If men feel unappreciated for that work then (a) imagine how women feel all the time and (b) I'm certain the women in these scenarios would be happy to trade roles
Those are not daily talks. Cooking, Cleaning etc. is daily.
@@Orangeisgreat383And they said those should be evenly split. Should we only ever appreciate things done on a daily basis?
@@sablislandWell they said those other tasks should be evenly split. So why insist that lawncare and fixing things and projects not be appreciated then? So bizarre.
@@johnpoole3871Ok, then switch those tasks and see what takes more time
4B seems like a great alternative for more and more women. I see why 😂
Avoid the marriage trap.
Having an adult toddler husband, I simply delegate a lot of things to him. And he does them. Like a toddler, he is excited and eager to help out. But for sure mothers are responsible for raising adult toddler men.
I wanted to be a father until I had an accident. Lucky to recover, but maybe only 95%. Realized I’d be a lazy father/husband afterward, but I can still be an okay/good-enough boyfriend. So I’ll remain as that.
PS: both men and women will gladly serve a partner more attractive than themself. 😅
A factor not brought up here in the defense of men not doing an equitable amount of housework. If they are constantly being told how they do it is wrong, they'll be more likey to say F it, and not do it at all then. No one likes to have their efforts belittled and criticized.
Also, I think guys, on average, just don't care about it as much. As long as the kitchen is tidy and functional, who cares about dusting above the cupboards x amount of times a year. It would be good to know how much of those household hours of work being quoted are necessary, or inflated by different drives and priorities.
Ultimately tho, like this video says, communication is key. Identify the jobs, and how much priority and importance should be placed upon them is key. But once the keys are given to the guy, let him have input on how it gets done. Not just your way or the highway mentality.
Even if the labor is divided and agreed upon, often times men don't do their portion well and the women end up having to do their job too. And its not in a micromanaging type of way, men just literally (and I think intentionally) do a piss poor job and don't care to be a help in maintaining a nice home. Even the tasks that by societal norms are men's tasks they don't do. They outsource it via a plumber, lawn service, etc. but women have to do all their societal expectations because in men's mind "Why do we need to spend money on a maid/chef when you're here?" 🙄
Yeah that is a pretty shitty situation to be in. I can only hope it is less often than you perceive.
Currently I'm having a really difficult time finding a job in my field. My partner is the sole breadwinner. We don't have kids. I feel IMMENSE guilt and pressure to work just as hard at home to compensate for him working hard. He thinks it's weird but I feel our self worth is tied up with "what can we do as a woman to show our worth". I can only imagine how I'd feel with kids... would I feel justified for not being able to land a job because I'm now a full time mom? It's just weird that we do tit for tat stuff but at the same time trying to define our worth by any measure: whether it's time, money, or responsibility (I.e., kids and housework) seems just as deflating. Same for men.
You are a human being,not a human doing. You have immense value as you are.
I saw you write a comment to another woman claiming she better change or else her man will 'run in the arms of another woman', but here you are expressing your own insecurity. It sounds like pure projection. I can't imagine being jobless and having the nerve to talk about how another woman chooses to live.
life is not easy. I hate it. I have to come home from work, clean the house, cook, I think its just about showing more appreciation to the people who do the things around the house and not about making the tasks equal since the person staying home only realistically has to clean the house once or twice a week at most, maybe cook once a day if they dont eat all day like me. things to do never end its overwhelming. maybe i procrastinate a lot but even then there isnt enough time in the day to enjoy anything. And to all those who think im a husband or a wife, im single so stop being biased.
❤
and who is the one taking on the task of making/managing the spreadsheet tho…
I would never live with a man again if something happened to my current husband. What's the point?
So blessed to be childfree. That's like 20 hours of cumulative labor a week my partner and I won't have to bother with. Kids are like puppies: The manchild goes, "please mommy I want one I want one I want one, I promise to take good care of it," and when you cave he only comes around for fun times and kodak moments and leaves you picking up the poo every day.
Yea and they keep saying they want more kids. Of course you do. There's less put upon you. If it was switched they would for sure say no way. That's what my sis went through. Her husband can't even support the three kids he already has yet still begs for more. Like wtf.
This.
I appreciate your covering this subject, I really do. That said, as a man who worries on a regular basis about falling into this unhealthy style of work division, the advice of, "make a spreadsheet," feels... Less than helpful... It may work well for a woman who's trying to assess their situation objectively, but for a man who wants to make efforts to do better, it may be overly simplistic and possibly miss the core of the issue entirely.
I really don't think it's an organization issue on men's part, I think it's more of a mindset problem. Sure x, y, and z may be the guy's things to do, but simply knowing that fact won't help impulses to procrastinate. What about chores and responsibilities that can't be neatly categorized or occur on an irregular basis?
This video felt geared primarily toward women - and fair enough. I guess what I'm saying is that I would really like to see a version of this video which addresses the ways in which we as men might positively change our outlooks and habits to avoid this sort of thing.
If it is a mindset problem, I highly recommend reading Fair Play, Drop The Ball, Fed Up, or any one of the numerous books that have been written on this topic. (If there are any that have been written by men, I am not familiar with them.) One common thread I have noticed is that men are either raised or socialized to view household chores as something they "help" with, while women view chores as tasks they are in charge of. I can personally say that taking ownership of specific tasks helped my own husband overcome that thinking, and tbh, the spreadsheet was necessary for us! I sincerely hope that helps!
@@thefinancialdiet that squares pretty well with my experience. There's a far cry between "helping out," and taking care of something that you personally own. It's really easy in joint ownership scenarios to see other people's equal ownership as somehow exclusive to yours; I think this could stem from how men are often socialized to value competition over cooperation, so a lot of the time we think in "yours vs mine" terms, rather than "ours."
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when women say compromise what does that actually end up meaning...
Unless women are clones or some sort of hive mind, I imagine that means a great deal of different things depending on the person.
What happened to the girl with the little dog?
Chelsea was in the last video posted 3 days ago. TFD isn't a one woman show
You'll see her on Monday and Tuesday next week!
💥❤💥
Girls, get Dutch husbands 👌😅
Why are Dutch men better? Lol