Breaking the Silence of Male Trauma Survivors | Debra Warner | TEDxPaloAltoCollege
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- čas přidán 14. 11. 2018
- You have heard of the #MeToo movement. But have you heard of the #MenToo movement? Little is known about male trauma and Dr. Debra Warner explains that men are also suffering sexual assault. Dr. Debra Warner is a leading forensic psychologist, trauma expert, author, and speaker who specializes in male trauma. She is the spouse of a male survivor and authored “His History, Her Story, a Survival Guide for Spouses of Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Trauma.” She has devoted her professional efforts to helping men and their loved ones confront and conquer their long term effects of trauma on the male psyche. She frequently addresses issues related to the #MenToo movement, challenges masculinity stereotypes, and works to dismantle stigmas related to male trauma. She currently is a professor at the Los Angeles campus of the Chicago School of Professional Psychology’s Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology, and a sought-out expert witness, psychological evaluator, and consultant. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
I work with men who have substance abuse issues. This is often the core...the real problem! Trauma is the disease. Addiction is the symptom! Thank you so much for sharing your work!
woah. addiction is the symptom. o.o amazing.
Self-medication almost guarantees addiction. Even if the substance is not pharmaceutically addictive, if somebody cannot go on without it they are addicted.
I live with terrible trauma and with it a combination of the worst of mental health conditions due to all of it. Thankfully my common sense is excellent and i've steered away from alcohol or drug addiction.
Youre right about what you say, 100% its a symptom and it serves to exacerbate the damage. It definitely will not help the sufferer.
Ugh, it’s also the vibe of, “you should feel proud” We deal with
@Johnny Haircut I'm sorry to hear that you have lived with trauma and addiction. I hope you can see a way toward healing now that you've made the connection! EMDR might be helpful.
I love this!! Men suffer badly, too!!!!!!!! I know so many men who are abused who are afraid to speak up because they are afraid no one will believe them - even with tons of evidence!
💙
You dont care
@@godistoogood6362 Why do you make that assumption? I've denied the existence of people that care as well, because I never wanted to accept the risk that I was lying to myself about their kind intentions. Don't do that to yourself, people do care.
The molesters groomed me introduced me to there friends passed me around bought me phones so he could pass around on the party line to muddy the waters.
@@youngafrica7051 I'd love to hear ur story!
"How come we don't say don't hit anyone?!"
The truth...
Exactly.... my divorce attorney told me that if she hits me again, run, just run... don't hit back.... no one will believe you.... so I ran...
@@MyRofaith that’s awful, can’t even defend yourself
Ikr my brother was taught "don't by girls" not don't buy anyone but the girls he went to school with weren't taught "don't hit people" so thy would hang up and bully him they would hit him and people would make fun of him for getting beat up by a group of girls bc they were "girls" no that has nothing to do with it violence is violence we shouldn't be teagcing don't be vioent towards certain ppl we should be geahcign dot be violent
@@buscuitsandtea We have to teach kids to not be victims, nor victimizers.
We have to teach to treat each other, everyone, with respect.
I'm a male abuse survivor. It took me years to tell my parents, and when I finally did there was just silence. Most of my life I've been drawn to strong women, and I realize now that it's because as a child i longed for my mother's love and protection. And while I don't need anyone to protect me anymore, I so tremendously value the women who are able to see men's pain.
I feel the same way I was never abused but I have always found attraction with good hearted women I too longed for my mothers love and protection.
I just buried my husband last week.
We were married for 38 years.
He disclosed his childhood trauma in detail starting on January 17, 2017. A day I will never forget nor any day since.
Your post defines so many aspects of our life, relationship and marriage.
Thank you.
I am a male who was assaulted by a female. It bothers to this day that nobody believed me. I was 21 at the time. She was 22. She applied pressure on me that broke me down so badly.
I believe you. My father was the victim of domestic abuse. I believe you.
Hey sir, can you elaborate if you don’t mind? If not it’s cool. I am just confused on the matter and I’m trynna educate myself
I am so sorry that no one believed you and that you were assaulted.
I believe you
I on your side dude. No worries we believe you, we got you back.
I feel so human after listening to this . I feel so along and I’ve never told my story. I pray I live long enough one day to share it .
Please share! Reach out to me. Debra Warner.
Please tell someone.
0 0 you’re right .. I need to
@@buddyscott3490 Please Buddy.
I wish you will! Don't be strong, be real, you're allowed to! ♥️♥️♥️
Why hasn't this video gone viral? It deserves to be.
Please share to help make it so!
@@debrawarner2918 totally posted it on my Facebook 😍
@@debrawarner2918 tweeted it with links to your book and website.
Thank you
Proves her point
Most men are either in denial about their abuse or are reluctant to reveal it due to the shame or society diminishing their experience… so it’s probably much more than 1 in 6.
Wowww!! That was so powerful. I too work with male abuse victims and it is so sad to see the tremendous energy put into blocking out the pain because no one wants hear about abused men/boys.
IM LOOKING FOR JUSTICE TO MY SON
you are doing gods work
@@iloveu2273 I hope u find ur justice for he didn't deserve it❤❤❤❤❤
@@iloveu2273 How can I be of assistance? I hope you find time justice. 🙏
@@NinjaIntheMatrix188 . You can help me praying to God so that the truth win and justice be served . Or if you can send me an economical help let me know for me to inform you my mailing address.
I opened up about being molested by a girl when I was a kid, and was told to “get over it because it was so long ago.” I’m grateful for this TedTalk!!!
I cried a lot... All human are needed to be respected. I hope every male survivors be happy, My first language is not English, so I feel difficult to express what I felt ):
It's okay we will listen
Happiness really can't come from the same root as serious trauma. Happiness can come from starting a new life, if the effects of PTSD can be controlled well enough.
Your feeling the soy in your veins rn
@@georgeburns6512 blablabla
@@georgeburns6512 you need a brain scan
Been there... emotional, verbal, and physical abuse... family have told me to not talk about it. "Don't bare out family business in public" they say..... I could barely talk about it myself. Finally did to a Pastoral Counselor.... He told me that I was the victim of an emotional terrorist. I couldn't have put it into more succinct words....
Pretty emotional interview.
I’ve often thought this is a topic that doesn't get talked about enough.
You tell em, girl!
💙
❤
I couldn't contain my tears through most of this, thank you so much Dr. Warner for your research, work, passion, and for being a powerful voice for the unspoken trauma survivors. The fact that there are people like you in this world give me hope that I can fully confront and heal from past, and even maybe one day speak about it to others in my life without being overwhelmed with shame.
Thank you!
we are people too goddamit
I heard the memory becomes weaker as you talk about it, with professionals of course. I'm sure if it works for everyone, but I want to believe that 💜
❤hi give me your emails if you want to exchange with me your story,I'm too like you
It never ends as whenever you say it out loud, you get looked at like you're weak and less of a man. So I keep my mouth shut. And I pretend to be okay. But I feel like a ghost that hasn't figured out they're dead yet. A part of me I will never get back died when it happened to me. I don't know how it'll ever get better.
Your a survivor! 💙
Find a therapist who has this kind of attitude and give all the tears to them alone. People like this genuinely won't think you're weak, and and professionals have patient-client privilege. Once it's all out in a setting where someone with experience can give you practical advice based on other clients in similar situations... it will be easier to maintain your composure in settings where social standing may be compromised. Because sadly, as a general rule of thumb it is still rather ill-advised for a man to display any form of weakness at any time. Slip once and people's opinions change forever.
May God bless you! God will grace you with the best 🙏 🙏
The more you talk about it, with a professional, the weaker the memory becomes. You can do it 💙
You are abused (physical, emotional, all the same) by your father as a child for 15 years, your mother does not protect you. Then you repeat it to yourself the rest of your life, by the time you understand it is hard to silence in your head
The fact that this only has 34,000 views is absolutely criminal. This may be the most important topic we could ever talk about. This isn’t a problem, it’s an absolute crisis.
Too many are trying to distract their pain with drama and mess. Isn’t it crazy the silliest video will get hundreds of millions of views but the amount of views this real life issue will never get that amount of views.
I cried. I myself is the survivor and It really took 20 or more years for me to talk about it.
❤why it's so hard,why it takes All this time for you to disclose
so many women need to hear this!
Men, as well. You would not believe how many of them actually defend the women and laugh at the male victims.
Most women I've even mentioned this to don't care. They think it's over due and should be applauded. Men are raised in households where the constant refrain is "men deserve pain" so they laugh at the pain of other men because "it must have been earned".
As a woman, I'm glad that more women stand up for men who are abused and stopping the double standards.
It's way too many people who believe that men can't be victims
Women don't care
I’ve been going though it the last few days. When I’m on top of my game..as a man...memories come in and punch me in the gut. I’m so thankful for this because validation is so important. I’m pushing to end this part of this cycle in my life once and for all. 🙏🏾
Thank you. I'm struggling with this still... I'm that 11 year old not once but lasted a decade and it's caused more pain than i can actually admit to.....
God Bless You, Brother.
This cut me like a knife. It was 2 weeks ago when I broke my silence told my wife of 25 year about my 40 plus year secret the shame I felt back then is the same as I feel today. I still can’t tell my parents and they are in their 80s the feelings she describes are spot on I felt like she was describing me. I was in tears most of the way through this video and even today it is hard to find any help.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I am so happy that you trusted your wife enough to share your trauma. Why continue to hold a secret and, shame that do not belong to you? The perpetrator deserves to feel ashamed, not you. Hold up your head up high and march on. Abuse doesn't make you less of a man. It shows your resilience to overcome the obstacles and build a productive life.
Im glad you found the open arms to trust and the ears who listened to you and the heart that felt you, I hope you feel better. I still until this moment cannot tell anyone, and my painful traumatic secrets may die with me, I just simply can't until now. I hope you found the peace my friend
You are not alone ! Follow the organization 1 in 6 . Prayers for healing and much respect for your courage in sharing your story .
Im very glad that you mention how there are ZERO resources for men. Not one. There actually used to be one shelter for men, but that has been shut down for lack of funding. Some shelters, if they are empty, will let men stay, but they must leave as soon as a woman needs to move in.
I am so proud of this research and you so deserve the best speech award! It is such a gripping subject that can help others heal.
The Psychology of Beauty you’re beautiful
Shut you you attention seeking troglodytes. Quit enabling these tampon using simps.
I am a Victim myself. Thank you Debra, I thought I will never see a girl like you. I am glad to see that you are here.
I'm glad you are here. We are survivors.
@@whosapickle I am with you.
Wow. What an amazing and intelligent person you are. I'm 49 and I'm still struggling with what happened to me as a child, and what made it worse was having a toxic family that believed that I was 'attention seeking' when I told them 15 years after it happened, and then constantly belittled my experience for the next 25 years until I broke all ties with them. Keep up the good work. With people like you in the world, less men will have to deal with what is a life sentence for a crime that someone else committed.
Thanks for sharing!
Sending a lot of hugs pal ❤️
Her talk was amazing. I'm a survivor. From toddler to teens. Abused by both genders..by family & others. My parent was severely abusive in all ways. This caused much emotional & psychological distress. Even at 50.. I'm still seeking advice on achieving some form of normalcy. Am a recovering addict as well. Self medicated for 10 years..finally am facing the pain rather than numb it.
Exactly and woman need to stop denying we go through problems too
I completely agree
Even as a woman who has spoken up about this kind of thing for a few years now, I learned so much from this video. We NEED to talk about this more. In the same way women are suppressed from doing what they may want to do, men are pushed to become the best they can, even if the best they can isn't what's expected of them.
I completely agree, Videos about female victims get almost 100 times as many views as the video for the male victim, That needs to change.
This needs more views.
Please share
Her on the brink of tears got me. I am a boy and have not been a victim of abuse but I feel for my fellow guys.
I’ve been assaulted by multiple women.
Thank you for voicing a silent trauma about male survivors. I to suffer in silence. I will be 59 this year taking one day at a time
It's great to see women acknowledging our silence, It lets toxic feminists know just how toxic they're being
exactly. we need the right types of feminists.
@@chocolatebaby889 Men have taken action. Yours is the comment of someone who has the mind of a baby made of chocolate...after it was eaten and crapped out by a dog.
@@chocolatebaby889 mamy of the DV shelters made for men got shut down by feminists. We've tried, y'all show up and picket and protest until it gets shut down.
@@adrianramirez6848 we don't need to see "fem" inists. We need equalists. True equalists.
"I'm Robert's wife" I did NOT see that one coming
No one did!
Yet it explains how she knows so much doesn’t it?
Addiction is a way of coping with emotional pain.
4:26 I almost completely forgot about this but back when I was a little kid, I was being told this from time to time by teachers etc and it always felt like youre already guilty right from birth. The same feeling as being unrightfuly acused of a crime. I always wanted to ask "why are you telling me this." and why arent you telling girls the same. back in kindergarten or elementary. Kids fought from time to time no matter the gender. But it would always be the boys fault.
Right! A girl kicked me below the belt and spit on me when I was down, then I went to the principal office, she got suspended and when I told my mom the first thing she asked was, "you didn't hit her back did you?" I said no and went quiet for the rest of the ride home..I don't think teaching one gender to not hit the opposite gender will do any good.
i suffer C-PTSD early childhood trauma the worst thing to me is my younges sister called me a liar she was to young to see what my mother and father were doing to me my older sister seen everything she used to mop the blood up every day the blood off my back from been wipped with wire jug cord my doctor nose it all my sister and my girl friend are the only people in my life i can trust sorry for the wing buy
The fact the this gets 14k views while the others get millions...
currently 14 male, right now when i was 7... i was r@ped by my grandpa he did it almost every time my parents would leave me there with him he would take me into his room and hold a gun on is lap... tell me if i did not do what he told me to do he would end me.... then i told my grandma cause every time he would do it my grandma wouldnt be there and she hit me and yelled at me saying i was lying.. she said if i told anyone it could get my mom, my stepdad, my grandpa arrested.. a few years later he had passed away from a severe lung disease he was able to do that to me for 5 years... after he had passed i buried it down then i told one of my friends over text then my mom she told my phone just last year and she decided to go through it and seen that text.. and thats how she found out i did not wanna tell my mom because i knew it would break her heart to know her own father would do that to her own children so it remained a secret... i still grieve over it today i smoke, and do shrooms to hide my pain..
Thank you so much for this video.
Having being abused for 11 years from age 5 to 16 from my mother, until I moved out of home, I relate to this very well.
Now I’m studying Community Services here in Australia where I had a debate with my angry bitter female teacher that was teaching the class that “all men need to stop beating and killing women”.
The teacher and some students couldn’t understand my issue with such a statement and I admit, I’ve hid in class since and haven’t wanted to speak up as I’ve been scared to feel attacked again.
Suffice to say this video is what I needed to see to bring the old me back and to stand up for what is incorrect.
Thanks kindly
I personally can't do anything about my own personal life and current situation.
It had gotten so bad I had to hide behind a female persona to actually spread my story out before I could get help. I wish I was joking. I was laughing last night because I had enough with my emotional state as its gotten to a low.
Then I got a text from a male friend who still didn't know I was also male. He poured his soul to me and I let him. I wanted to help him so bad. All I could do was say words that most likely rang hollow to him.
He texted me this morning and at least seemed grateful for the conversations. What little I can do is gonna help others and myself hopefully.
I absolutely love this. This is a topic we don’t talk about enough, and it’s honestly so sad. Men, you are valid too. You matter. People may not tell you that enough, but it’s true. You are just as important as anyone else. ❤️
Thank you, Dr. Debra!
"Somewhere Under The Rainbow You"ll Find Me: The Origins of Sunshine" soon to be published. A survivor's story. The beginning of a book series that will change the World.
We aren't silent. I have spoken out against my abuser, B Carter and Brian Carter.
This is the best speech ever.
This made me cry. Men suffer too
Ma’am I am thoroughly impressed with your ability to express what we as men have been have been trying to say but could not, thank you
Oh, this is a good one. I absolutely hate the gendering of abuse and assault; men are not always the perpetrators, women are not always the victims, and walking into these situations with those kinds of biases is how injustice happens.
Agreed
when i hid my traumas from my ex, i didn't do it bc i consider it to be less of a man, but because i didn't trust her and she didn't comfort me enough for that. i shared afterwards when she made me comfortable enough and she supported me
I am so blessed to have hurd you tock. I am now 60 years old, and lived in this Shame for 56 years. Thank you for what you are doing. I not strong enough to tell more, but I'm helping, thank you and God bless you and your family always Aman
ROCK ON Dr. DEB! You are a champion for all survivors, and especially for men who have experienced any kind of trauma. I've been honored to speak at SCRIPT three times now. I can only hope our work will continue to bear fruit and empower more trauma survivors to know they are not alone and that they can heal!
💙
I can imagine that she is a fierce advocate for men, women and trans people against abuse.
Dude this was perfection...good job Debra Warner
Dr. Warner, Bless you for all that you do.
Really touched me. Really needs more awareness. Thank you for your work!
Wow! I wish I could stand by my ex that went through a lot of abuse the way you did ma'am. I feel so ashamed of myself.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn't your fault at all.
I wish you all the best 💙
I hate that anytime I disclose, there is a very present awareness of media or documentaries etc. suggesting that victims often go on and become perpetrators themselves. OMG!
The shame I feel from having to put my emotions onto other people is suffocating. Worse off is people don't really understand the cost of a life of repressed emotions, so even people with good intentions ultimately kind of end up reinforcing a lot of those emotional abandonment issues. Like it's a problem too big to fix.
Little steps.
Wow, not only was this presentation highly emotional and informative but when she revealed the twist at the end I was completely stunned and it made the story she was telling that much realer.
I appreciate your sharing so very much. ❤️ I’m incredibly grateful for the work you do in this worthy cause for our men.
Thank you for speaking out. I was crying through half of the video. I guess I should try to come to terms with my own experiences. Because I want to be finally free.
😭Thank you!!😭thank you for speaking for us about this Maam😭i've been a victim and had kept a secret for myself for almost 20 years😭thank you!! im sorry for my bad english,im just too afraid to tell anyone😭
Poor Robert...poor any man that had endured this pain.
Why am I only seeing this now??
What a powerful talk
This lady is amazing! Her message is very powerful. Thank you Dr. Warner
I grew up with an abusive stepfather. Physical and emotional abuse and eventually being told he didn't want me in his family when my grandmother found out and protected me. I remember when I was 5, my mother, stepfather and sisters left me home alone to go out, I found a kitchen knife and in that moment thought about taking my own life. To this day I regret not doing it. The next 8 years of being forced to stay in my room except for school, not allowed to be a kid, dealing with social anxiety, always thinking that someone is out to get me, the people I've hurt along the way. I've chosen to not have children. The trauma will die with me and I will not spread it to the next generation. I envy my sister and close friend, both of whom get to raise children.
Our world NEEDS MORE Women like you Debra Warner.
started age 7 now I'm 38 .. last year I told a sibling .. and I was told .. I don't want my partner to hear that
I think u should share pal
GodBlessyouuu
I wish u a great life✌🏻❤️🌼
Wow, thank you for this, I needed it big time x
Thank you Debra, you’ve got me crying in the middle of Oklahoma.
Amazing video! Thanks for this.
good to see you commenting here!
As an advocate for human trafficking survivors, I see a gap in services to serve our male youth . Much needed awareness !
Thank you for your work. Tears….😢. I have a new understanding thank you 🙏❤️
Someone who knows what some of us been through. I've only told very few people about my experiences with grown women when I was a kid
Thank you
MY GOD THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN WITHOUT ANYTHING TO SAY EXCEPT : GOD PLEASE HELP THIS MAN AND THIS WONDERFUL WOMAN RECEIVE THE GREAT LIFE (FINALLY) THEY DESERVE. I MAY BE A MALE BUT I CRIED LISTENING TO HER. BLESS BOTH OF YOU 🤠 OKIE COWBOY ❤️
Thank you for this
thank you so much for this
Thank you!
Amazing job , keep going please!
Thank you for speaking
The honesty is moving. We need more discussion about men's trauma 😔
And we need women to be held accountable for abusing men!
A man can’t tel anyone... no benefit comes of it
Not your family, not your partner, not your friends, not even your doctor if you can help it
Couple years ago I had to go to a hospital to get checked out... I had been increasingly sick and in pain in my lower abdominal area... anyhow doctor needed to do an abdominal exam
I explained that because of some terrible experiences in childhood I would have a really difficult time going through it
Laying down numbing my mind, letting someone touch me, submitting to it
Anyhow I had a terrible time with it
The doctor told me my illness was probably just because I’m so tense n worked up
Even doctors want to get rid of you when they see you’re mentally ill or weak or a victim.. if you’re a man
I wish I could have gone through that exam without saying anything but that wasn’t reasonable
I went to another clinic and said I was scared of the exam because I thought it would hurt my sick stomach
Thank you.
Amazing woman thank you.
How do I remove other people's dislikes?
Ignore them, just like how the society ignore the problem today.
At least, Likes are higher than that.
The dislikes are probably misandrist feminists and privileged women who don’t like the idea of men being victims over them!
Never heard truer words, about men withdrawing and affecting their relationships when they feel like they're not living up to the male expectation. Currently living it until I can get my ducks back in a row.
Thanks Debra it brought tears! When I was falsely removed from my family not to see my 4 children ever again,. The first lawyer I had, had the prison papers on my Ex-father-in-law and the Ex-wife with their affair while I was married. She received $30,000 from the case and was allowed him to baby sit my 4 children. This was all gone without my knowledge. I hit the wall hard when I found out as the Courts would not allow me talk to my children for 5 years. Now my children don't need or want their father as I was Discarded by the system.
thank you
Your welcome 💙
@@debrawarner2918 Thank you very much! it's people like you who make the world a better place to live!
I enjoyed this video. I subscribed. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. And an advocate for victims of D V.
Finally someone understands!! It's hard for men to talk about it!!!
these TedTalks vids and comment section give me more faith in society
Thank you❤
I am writing a book now, reflecting on my abuse as a man, and also other stories addressing these issues …yeah hey being in South Africa is even worse, especially in KwaZulu-Natal province ..
Arigato Dr. Warner
Thank You 🙏
I may be way off topic here but I think along with the physical abuse that men go through, those of us who suffered mental abuse at the hands of a loved one need the support of others as well.
You most certainly do. You deserve the support.
I am a survivor of marital abuse, I tried to leave twice, and failed both times, finally when I couldn't earn enough money for her, as the recession took my business, she told me it was over, then went round telling everyone that would listen all the things she had done to me, but turned it round as if I had done it all to her, I had to move areas, I had a full breakdown, but still no one believed me, so now I stand up, and say I survived, and I will not go back to that place, our daughter is now 19, so I have no need to even talk to her, but she still goes round calling me the abuser, and because she is a woman, everyone believes her without any need for proof :(
These are the videos that need millions of viewed on this channel but they turn out to be the least viewed really shows people dont care and its sickening