Demisexuality: Why it’s not “like everyone else” (A counterpoint to aphobia)
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- čas přidán 27. 08. 2024
- There has been a lot of aphobia thrown specifically at demisexual folks for some time now, and it’s been getting worse. In this video, I break down what demisexuality is, what it isn’t, and why it’s not “just like everyone else”.
For more sources on demisexuality, check out Elle Rose’s works here: linktr.ee/secr...
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Thank you!! If demisexuality were truly the norm, hookup culture and celebrity crushes wouldnt be nearly as common! If you wanna be my lover, gotta get with my friends, not because thats a boundary but because it LITERALLY wont even cross my mind to consider you in that light unless ive gotten to know you personally!
So true! Demisexuals despise hookup culture so much. Seriously, why am I gonna hookup with someone who won't even try to get to know me better. And if they did, if they find out that being demi means emotional bond comes first, before sex. They rush the relationship to "speed up the bond," which is just so manipulative and sad. It takes time to get to know someone better. I'd say years even. I hate calling myself demi cause I feel misunderstood.
I used to think being demisexual was normal/just like everyone else, but then I realized I am ace and a lot of the people who were my close friends were also aspec... I also used to think people were lying about feeling sexy things towards people they didn't know...
Same. When I was growing up a lot of my other friends would start getting interested in sex and desperately tried getting laid. I always thought that not having one night stands and wanting to be in a relationship first was "normal", that my friends just happened to be one of those few people who didnt want that, or that it was just a phase for them and I was already "too mature" to have these desires.
Took me a while to realise that I was infact the odd one out.
Thank you for talking about demisexuality! As a demi myself it's so hard to explain to allosexuals cause they just don't understand that it's not me being "picky". Thank you for this content ❤️
I stopped openly calling myself demi because of the online backlash from it, so thanks for this!
This right here is the reason why only one of my friends and my mom knows I’m demisexual. People are mean
Thank you for explaining this. I am still new to Asexuality but have been identifying as Demisexual since I learned about it 2 years ago. Growing up I left disconnected from my peers because I wasn't really interested in dating. I had a couple crushes but they didn't have feelings for me so I blamed in on myself and thought that I was the problem. I thought the hook-up culture in college was disgusting and only lived on campus for a year before moving back home and then dropping out completely a year later for other complicated reasons. I tried for a very long time to fit society's mold and that just isn't me.
I still have alot to learn about myself and I feel like I am at the top of a very large iceberg...and its very intimidating but I think I'm going to be ok...now that I'm learning about Asexuality.
Thank you for sticking up for us. It means a lot.
Its interesting (and can be sad) how some of the ideas of needing emotional bonds are perceived, some of the responses I've had to this idea have been "So like how Catholics wait until they are married?", "Isn't that just Catholicism?" or "Isn't that just Morality?", all of which confuse attraction with action.
Another angle I've seen, specifically in LGBTQ (IA+ left off for a reason), is the idea that demisexuality (and indeed the entire Aspec community) is really a form of social/sexual conservatism and sometimes seen as antithetical to Pride as "Pride is a celebration of sex".
I’m demi and was raised Catholic (consider myself Omnist now) and there is such a dramatic difference. Some of my friends and classmates struggled so much with the wait and I never did. It wasn’t until I learned about asexuality in college that things finally clicked. If it were just Catholic morality, there wouldn’t be so much Canon Law about how relationships are recognized and we’d have ways more aces and aros doing holy orders instead of being directed into marriages that they find out the hard way were not great fits. We’d also have way less controversies.
It took me 5 years for me to separate religious dogma from my genuine feelings. I was lucky that I learned this at 19. Some of my peers learned this way later. I sometimes feel like a fake ace & aro person because most of the portrayals I tend to see are repulsed interpretations but I don’t relate to the allos either. It’s also been frustrating that my mom has been rather invalidating of my experiences and has recently started making me recloset myself to increase the odds of getting a partner but all it’s doing is making me more stressed out. Aphobia is so hard when it’s coming from a loved one and they don’t get it.
@@JuriAmari Definitely a difference between the reality and the ideas people get in their heads (granted my parents were mixed between Irish Catholic and Secular/Protestant, and so agreed I'd be given space to find the faith for me and not have it forced) and given some of the anger over The Troubles was still there I wonder if there was a local cultural bubble that saw sex as the norm and so those who weren't interested would be seen as foreign and Catholic was the closest thing to a foreign culture that was seen on a regular basis. Then finding a lot more acceptance in my local church (although others online have told me that the Catholic church tends to lean more liberal in the UK than the US but it might be more of a local thing than that).
Its sad when people try and tell you who to be and hopefully as time goes on people will gain more acceptance and understanding that sex, marriage and relationships aren't for everyone.
To me the idea that being demi is supposedly similar to allo people who just value getting to know their partner is ridiculous. I’m demisexual biromantic but I often just go by ace because I’ve literally only experienced sexual attraction to one person in my life. For me the change was very clear cut. One minute they were another one of my romantic crushes, but the bond as friends was developing more deeply then any other person I’d ever known. And the next boom! I suddenly know what sexual attraction actually means! It actually helped affirm my ace-umbrella identity so much because I was here like “oh that’s what that feels like, yup never felt like that before!”
Same here
And that one person ended up being HIGHLY narcissistic
It was (& still is) one of the most painful experiences of my life
@@laurahell I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Imo people can look attractive to me. But not in a sexual way. For me to be sexually attracted to you we must have a special connection. And feel at home with that person. Feel comfortable with that person. And have love for that person.
I’ve had a couple one nights stands in my past. And my god both felt so wrong and outta place. Never again for me.
To me sex is a very special thing and it’s special because of who you’re doing it with.
Being demisexual as well as demiromantic is challenging i find, i really need to know someone properly before i want do anything with them. but then at the same time with people i don't know that well yet i will crave some sort of emotional connection, feel some sort of excitement about them that i can't really explain, almost a crush but not quite because it's the same feeling as a crush but then like if that person was like "i want to kiss you" i wouldn't want to kiss them? but i'd still want to be close to them, which is confusing ngl and i think i've confused some people with it before. I've had people say they like me and stuff, people ask me about sex and not take the fact that i didn't want to have sex with anyone at that moment as an answer, people offer to kiss me after 2 days of knowing each other, and people saying they "can't believe you've never had your first kiss" and it's like it's a little painful having to be like "i don't even know you so i don't even think of you that way" and then seeing disappointment. i've also asked someone for advice on figuring out whether another person wanted to hang out with me once, as a friend, because that person kept dropping hints that they might want to. and the person i asked for advice from got all excited thinking i had a crush and when i tried to explain it wasn't like that they didn't listen. even though i want love and that experience i think, i have very minimal experience in it and i feel like it would be hard for someone to understand how i feel if that makes sense? and i think this might be a common experience of being demisexual of "how do i even explain this to someone?" because some people are like "it's not even real and everyone's like that" and on the other hand there's people like "are you sure you're not just ace?".
I relate to this label. As I've grown older I find it hard to rely or trust people so it makes it hard for me to have "feelings", I need a bond to the person in order to feel anything. It makes things very challenging and awkward. I love my friends, but at the same time I also can love them romantically as well its next to impossible for me to desire stranders. I don't understand the "friendzone" trope thing either :D.
It almost makes me fundamentally oblivious to advances of other people. Sometimes it can feel so lonely, I heard the being starting but no food looks appetizing analogy it feels a lot like that.
Evie Lupine has made several videos talking about this topic, even though she normally speaks about the BDSM community her perspective on demi and ace as part of a community that most people considers sexual is really interesting.
Also take it from me as someone who is not religious and demisexual-I hate purity culture and don’t believe in not having sex at all before marriage. It might be more that demis don’t get hookup culture because it goes at a particular pace that non-demis are used to.
I just don’t feel anything with a stranger or people I barely know, and I most definitely would feel weird if some random person would want to have sex with me. I would honestly just feel disgusted by the fact that only my boobs, for example, would be the reason for someone wanting to have sex with me. I would just simply feel dehumanized in a way, which also stems from trauma regarding sexual assault may I add. It’s just illogical in my brain as to why someone would be sexually attracted to someone they don’t know, like would you still be attracted to that person if someone told you that they’re a sex offender, If they don’t respect you, etc? How do you even trust random people? I just don’t get it.
I think this helps me feel a lot better. I initially thought i was ace and was figuring myself out. And then i started dating and found i may be demi. It helped me feel less alone.
Then I've seen so much stuff online especially saying its all normal and not real and have been feeling a lot of shame lately for back when i was in highschool identifying as it and still identifying as one now though i dont really express it anymore out loud. I feel a bit like a fraud.
So i do appreciate the message of the video.
I'm here commenting for the algorithm. 🥰
As a demisexual it is extremely difficult and hurtful to have a partner who is not. I want to understand that he can be attracted to others even he loves me and it is not about me. It feels so hurtful because in my thoughts he has to love this person because it’s the only way I would feel it but he may just find the person attractive and loves just me..
I think it’s probably a different experience based on people’s socialization and how they’re seen in society. I go back and forth if I’m demisexual cuz I think part of being seen as a girl is we’re not supposed to enjoy anything without love. I imagine it’s a lot different for those read as men
Oh my, this is literally the theme of my psychology sessions right now. Have you ever seen somebody talking about that specific subject? I'd love to know more!
@@biancasss497 mm just my personal findings but I’m curious what you’ll have to say
Thank you for that you talk about us with understanding ❤
I feel aesthetic attraction to people without forming a connection (as in, seeing someone, recognizing they're physically attractive), but never a desire to have sex with them. If I have that connection with a person, I enjoy kissing, cuddling, and sensual touching, but I don't like sex in the traditional sense, no matter how deep our connection, and I dont really like being touched, myself. Is that demisexuality or something else?
I identify as Demi and actually learned something. I thought I didn’t exactly fit the definition of Demi as it is but now I am not sure. I’m almost 37 and have only been with one person after a month of knowing him. I thought I was ace until like early twenties. Now I think I can meet a person and be attracted right away in a non sexual way. But would be willing to have sex with them if it leads to dating. Now I am not sure if it’s because I WANT to or because I think it’s what they would want. I would prefer to date an ace guy though but I have never met an ace person that I know of.
You can be demisexual and Homo, bi, poly, hetero...
You can have erotic fantasies, kinks and fetishes...
You can have a sex drive and high libido...
It's just extremely difficult to find a person you are attracted to, before such things can happen.
A demi can have sex without a strong emotional connection, who leads to sexual attraction but even pure aces can have that. The fiance of a friend of mine is aro-ace and they still have sex from time to time. There are demis/aces, who regularly have me-time.
We just don't feel sexual attraction to people, we don't know or we know but dont click with.
When it clicks, the feelings are so strong and overwhelming, it's hard to make sense of them.
Demis often mistake aesthetical attraction with sexual one, before they find out what's up.
But this whole discussion shows how intolerant and basically useless the "community" really is.
Your video is very kind. Your kind words helps a lot of people, including me. Thank you very much.
I was in the 2nd group. because I wasn't ready or educated enough to accept that I was aro/ace and was searching for a reason why I wasn't experiencing attraction. "Maybe it will happen when I meet someone I form a strong emotional bond," I said. Of course, there were plenty of people who I'd formed a strong emotional bond with who I wasn't romatically or sexually attracted to, and I met someone around this time with whom I still have a strong emotional bond. It was hella confusing.
I had a sort of similar journey, when i first learned abt asexuality and aromanticism i immediately connected with them, but i was hesitant to adopt the label of aro at first bc i. was and still kind of am an introverted hermit who doesnt have many close friendships. i thought might be demi that didnt have a large enough sample size to pull from. (less out of a compulsive need to feel Normal and more out of ‘i need to be 100% accurate with my label the first time)
it took a comic describing asexuality as looking for turtles in a pond (maybe there are some but only a few, maybe theyre really good at hiding, maybe theyre only lured out under specific circumstances, maybe there just arent any, but its a complete ecosystem event without them and *if you do find turtles you can always rename the pond*) for me to accept the label Aro.
and then it turned out i actually was demi after i fell for my best friend on discord and weve been together for coming up on four years now. doesnt make my experience thinking i was aro invalid tho! or yours :) just thought id share my experience since it started off similar to yours, even if we ended in different places
Thank you! I needed these today.
I am complete aroace or demisexual and demiromantic, because I never experienced this types of attraction, but I don't know if it would have the possibility to change if I have a strong emotional connection to the roght person. Every sexual thought I ever had the other oerson doesn't have a face oamd also the other chatakteristics change, but I have a strong connection to them in this fantasies. I believe that if Ibwould ever feel attraction to anybody this person has to be a man, because having something with another woman or even being ever sexualy attracted to them is something, I can even less believe would ever happen.
Thank you!
Very good video, thank you for the clarification
Essentially every person experiences heightened sexual attraction to people they're romantically attached to. Even if the sexual attraction exists otherwise, it's naturally increases for most people alongside romantic attachment. The strength of this can vary highly between individuals, just like most other aspects of sexuality.
Where does the border between a demisexual and "normal" person lie? Is it specifically when combined with an aspect of asexuality? Is it invalid for someone that feels some attraction without romantic attachment but still abnormally heightened attraction with romantic attachment? Is it invalid for someone who's broadly asexual but feels they can reciprocate for a romantic partner's actions, for whatever reason? And regardless of the answers to these questions, why is it one but not another?
It's in this way that using demisexual as a discreet identity rather than, say, using demisexuality to describe an aspect of someone's broader sexuality is flawed, and probably why so many people react negatively to its usage in that way, even if they don't know how to express it. This video does not address that, even if it's at the root of many peoples' problems with the term. By saying "I am demisexual, you are not", many people will hear "this aspect of your sexuality isn't yours, it's mine", unintended or not.
there are lots of experiences that are what you could say an extreme version of what an average person would experience. I’d say demisexuality is one of those. It’s a word to describe a specific experience so that people who share that experience can find each other, so a person can realize there are others like them, and to help someone describe their experience. It’s not meant to alienate the general population but to give voice to a small amount of people who feel alienated. And no, there isn’t a distinct cutoff to who the label applies to: that is up to the individual to whether they think it describes themselves, or if it is inadequate and doesn’t embody their full experience with sexuality. Many people on the acearo spectrum consider it to be a spectrum and are very accepting of a wide range of labels and experiences, even decisions to not use labels at all if a person doesn’t wish to use them.
For me personally, I was asexual. Now I am demisexual. I fell in love with my best friend. I haven’t felt sexual attraction to anyone else. This is not every demisexual person’s story, but demisexuality is related to asexuality for a reason.
If we're using 'normal' to refer to most people, in other words, the most common experience, the difference is that 'normal' people experience primary sexual attraction: i.e. they see people and (almost) immediately get attracted to them and would like to have sex with them. (Even if they might possibly want to postpone the actual moment to have sex until a later date, they do feel that attraction.) Demisexuals don't experience this.
if she's not my bestfriend first then i dont want her >:C
My narc ex lied and told me he was like me in this way. He was not. 😢
Can a demi balidate themselves without complaining that everyone else engages in hookup culture? Just once
Where in the video was the creator complaining about hookup culture?
Great video💗💗💗
nice simple ontro explainer
ahh thank you 🥹♥️
this video could have been like half as long, i got your point in like the first minute
I would love it the intro talk before the explanation was less infuriating, how many times can you repeat that someone is valuable??? Ok, cool we get it, get to the myth busting...
💜🖤🩶🤍
It is not oppressive to correctly identify "demisexuality" as a not fundamentally unusual. Anyone who identifies as demisexual should find comfort and inclusion in the realization that the feelings they identify with are not some unique struggle they face alone because they're fundamentally different, but rather that it's just a reasonable tuning on the same old spectrum of sensitivity to hormonal lust. If you're bothered by the suggestion that there's nothing special about the mechanisms you're describing, then that is a red flag that your identity is more wrapped in up feeling special and seeking the privilege of victimhood status, rather than actually wanting to understand and operate with the world around you.
Not all feelings deserve acknowledgement, validation, recognition, or acceptance. Not every thought a person can have is valid, and not every lifestyle should be accepted. To suppose otherwise is total objective and moral cowardice. Some feelings are valid and should be indulged, some are not and should not. This is reality. Simply asserting "This is how I feel therefore myth busted" doesn't make things
But if acceptance is really what you're after, then you should realize that "I see no meaningful difference between you and I" is the most accepting thing a person can possibly say. If that bothers you, then you're looking for control, not acceptance.
To claim to not see or believe in a difference is a form of not accepting the person because you are choosing to not see them for who they are.
No one is asking to be a victim of anything. Quite the opposite. Corrective SA is alarmingly common towards people on the asexual spectrum. A quick Google search will show you right away the number 43.5%, the estimate of aces who have reported SA acted upon them. What you’re suggesting is for people to just keep shut and not speak up against such violence and hate. Acceptance is not and never will be “I see no difference between us.” True acceptance is seeing and acknowledging there are differences while being willing to learn, advocate, and listen. Anything less is true cowardice.
@@fluentlyaspec Suddenly bringing up claims of violence does not help your argument that you're not seeking victimhood status. You are literally emphasizing victimhood right now because you think doing so grants you more rhetorical weight. It does not.
Learning and listening are nice, and advocacy can be nice when you're advocating for something good. But missing from your list is actually making that judgement of right and wrong (in both the factual and moral senses). Just because someone says they have an experience, or feel a certain way, or think a certain thing, does not mean their mindset is automatically valid and deserves to be accepted and propagated. It remains up to the listener to evaluate. Is the claim reasonable? Is it true? Is it moral? Is it useful? If you merely accept what you're told and chalk it up to "learning" without making any judgements or rationally integrating it into your worldview, then you are failing to be a thinking person. True learning is impossible for the person who is unwilling to make such judgements in the first place.
Likewise, any form of "acceptance" that entails simply believing whatever someone tells you is worthless, because there is no will behind it.
I mentioned those factors in the video, so I’m not sure what you mean by “suddenly”. I also don’t know why you keep talking about a moral right or wrong when the morally right thing to do is to respect the identity of others, regardless of whether or not you share that experience. Based on your two comments here, I will in fact make a judgment, and that is that I already am standing in the morally right side, especially if the alternative is sounding anything like you. But thank you for helping my video in the algorithm and for showing us all why the video is necessary in the first place. You claim I’m not advocating for anything good? My faith in people and their truths are now and forever will be unwavering. I will stand for them and with them in their truths. Perhaps you should take a look at who and what you stand for. Goodbye.
@@fluentlyaspec Have fun respecting "their truths". I'll be over here concerning myself with the actual truth.
It is unusual, in the sense that, as far as we know, it is not the common experience. Most people experience primary sexual attraction. Demisexuals and asexuals don't.
this video is healing something in me i didn’t even know was hurting