IMPORTANT - What Communication Should Be Like As You Become Securely Attached (In Depth)
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- čas přidán 20. 09. 2020
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In this video I'll talk about what communication in your relationships should look like as you become more secure.
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.personaldevelopmen...
Lastly, if you’re interested in shorter form content and tips, follow my Instagram page! @personaldevelopment_school
I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!
RIGHT ON!!! I learned “the communication wheel” method years ago. Would love to know how she feels about it.
“When you________, I interpret it as _______, and I feel ________, and I want _________, so I will _________.”
Just a reminder to the lovely people who are putting the work in to understand their core needs, triggers, and communicate effectively:
As you progress, you may find some people around you may not be able to keep in step with you. It's okay to realize they may not be ready to meet your new level of self-awareness. Be compassionate with them, but also with yourself to determine if it's best for you to stay or leave. This applies to friends, family, and romantic partners! Love y'all!
Thais you are changing lives!!!!! You are giving me the education that I never got and always deserved; because of you I know there is a lifetime of potential for love and joy ahead of me that I never thought I could have before. Thank you 💖
-healing FA :-)
Thank you so much for this comment :) Would we be able to use this and your name for our testimonials page? - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Yes! I am so happy to help! I am taking courses in the development school (I just paused the "Reprogramming FA Attachment" course to type this comment haha!) and they're excellent. Truly the most straightforward content I've ever found on this topic. Seriously, this monthly subscription to the courses is more effective than most therapy and the cost of a whole month is cheaper than ONE average therapy session! I'm talking like an advertisement haha but I am just so grateful because I have searched and searched for effective resources and this is IT! :-)
@@Pseudononymous99 haha you're the best Jordana! keep up your amazing work and thank you for the glowing review - PDS team member
Can we appreciate how beautiful Thais is? ❤️❤️ Amazing video! Thank you so much for sharing this!
For real
Agreed.
Your comment is well warranted but what stands out even more is her personality! 🙋♀️💃🔥 That's just my two sense.
You are changing the world by changing yourself.
You are literally saving lives and making this a better planet to live on. Thank you
THIS.
(Plus Thais says "friggin" which made me laugh out loud ❤)
Happy you got a good laugh a=out of the video , thanks for your comment - PDS team member
I just felt secure in this 16 minutes video!!
You are giving so much hope to so many people, thank you for guiding us 🙏🏼 as I said in the webinar, your tools are everything! Life changing 🙏🏼
Thank you Natalie! You are the best!!
So good to see a video about secure communication. So many videos on why people with insecure attachment will never be able to have a relationship.
So encouraging, thank You so much. Touching our wounds can be so scary and everything seems to advice to run. This is so encouraging to walk that path nevertheless.
Thais, that was beautiful.
Thanks!
I've learned so much from your videos. I especially resonated with the growth in insecurely attached people, that is has an extra dimension to their being and their relationships. At the start of my journey I thought that I was working towards being securely attached because I had a defect. Now I'm proud of my process and celebrate all the (hard earned) small wins.
Thank you so much for the videos!
Goals! 🙌🏻 thank you Thais ♥️
This is really beautiful: thank you 😊
I honestly sometimes just watch (or rewatch) these videos because Thais is so lovely. She really has a calming warm way about her that is truly special.
Love it Thais, thank you!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS - LOVE THIS TALK!
Thank you so much for making these videos Thais. Very helpful
Thais, you're amazing... you feel like a mentor to me. I'm so grateful to be part of PDS
I wish I could give this video more thumbs. Sooo frigging good. Thais, thank You, so much.
I appreciate you so much, Thais. Thank you for this message of hope. You are very wonderful and I hope your school grows and flourishes. :)
been binge watching your videos since yesterday. just wow
I am grateful that you are here. I came to your channel last year after an encounter with someone that confused me greatly. I realize that I have some things I need to look into. Thanks for your insight, showing me things to look at.
Thank you so much for this information. It gives me hope, mostly for myself and my relationships. I am so glad to notice that the work I have been doing is helping me move towards a secure attachment style.
Great content! Learning a lot about attachment styles
Oh my you are amazing.
OMG is this a new Outro? I can’t even because of how beautiful it is Thais! What the hell its so pretty I’m gonna explode :D !!!
Hold yourself to this standard of communication.... best tip ever 👌👌👌
🔥Best. Video. Ever. (Until the next one🤭.) Thank you!
Ooof! This one was HARD to watch. Especially because I'm watching it after being in conflict for 2 days. I've got a long journey ahead of me to get to this point 😞
Can you make a video of what it looks like for two insecurely attached people to go through this process of healing and becoming securely attached together? Is it a linear progression? Does it still get messy and toxic while both are figuring themselves out? Looking for validation that its normal that this process is painful but if both people are willing to do the work it will be worth it.
Such a beautiful video, Thais! Thank YOU! 💕🥰
Grateful for this video, yet kinda disappointed there isn’t a “different types of anxious attachment styles”. I would’ve loved to know to help me narrow what I am down
There is one coming! I forgot to turn the microphone on when I was recording it :/ So it will be out later this week when I finish my next set of batching them!!
Exactly what I need because so much talk about insecure styles and not an equal amount of it of securely attached leaves me disoriented. Good video!!!!!!
The KEY Thais is, where do I find another insecurely attached individual who is willing to do the hard work I am willing to do to make a relationship, heal, thrive, be vulnerable, trust and work thru our insecurities, and strengthening our roots together? Where can I find such a Partner, especially into the 2nd half of my life? Is there a community you can recommend that I can join with men I can meet closer to my age interested in healing, changing, and becoming securely attached?
I'm 52, I promise you they're out there when you trust that someone will show up for you. Maybe one of your core wounds believes you can't gave it all. Keep doing the work, you will attract one or more.
What if a DA says to you, “to leave you alone pls”, when you are trying to communicate with them and express your needs. How do you handle that in a secure way in the moment and how do express how disrespectful that was when they finally summon up the courage to be vulnerable with their feelings? Like that just on its own minus all the other problems we have was enough to make decide not to invest one more second of my time on this person. And that refusal to show any type of vulnerability to me directly turns me off to trying to work anything out with them anymore.
I was criticizing but I tried to focus it around my feelings and my needs and I was being accountable for the role I’ve played but that was the only response I got.
You have it all wrong.
If someone asks you to let them be, then you definitely need to step away and give them space. Anything else will backfire.
Expressing how disrespectful that is, is also wrong. That is you lecturing them with passive aggressiveness and criticism. It is not about them. It is about you.
By that I mean, it is not about fixing him to adapt to you, but about you learning to express how you feel when he does this and that behavior, and what behavior you need in order to feel secure, safe, reassured, validated, valued, understood, seen and heard.
Do you see the difference? I can give an example:
“I am trying to communicate with you about everything you do that is hurting me, but you are obviously not able to understand. It is like talking to a wall. Do you not see how much you hurt me by doing XYZ?”
VS
“Hey do you have time to talk, and if not, perhaps we can set a time for a conversation? When would you be available?”
2 hours later...
“I really appreciate you, and I recognize that you are trying to be a good partner. However, when you do XYZ I feel confused and hurt, even though I know it is done unintentionally. I need you to do this (insert wanted behavior) instead in order for me to feel more secure in this relationship”
That is how you approach the DA.
And also remember that you and the DA are not the same person and usually the DA requires much longer to walk the path in terms of improvement. They walk baby steps, and every step needs to be recognized and further reinforced with positive feedback and appreciation, otherwise they turn around and run all the way back into their safe nest.
It is terrifying to them. My partner’s amount of vulnerability that he displays very rarely looks like absolutely nothing, unless you know how much it takes for him to open up to that extent.
No criticism.
Instead of criticizing. Try to provide information and instructions for him to gain more insight into how exactly you need him to behave instead of the mentioned behavior he does that is hurting you.
Demanding vulnerability is also not going to work. A lot of DAs try within the best of their abilities, and it goes unnoticed by the demanding partner, so they stop. Or it was not enough for their demanding partner, so they stop. Or they try, but get further piles of criticism directed towards them regarding other things, and they feel as if no matter what they do, they cannot do it right, so they stop.
It is extremely important that you understand that he will not walk the same tempo as yourself, when it comes to how fast he improves on his end. Baby steps is what he can offer, and as long as he is willing to walk those baby steps, then that should be enough. And you can sprint forward in fast speed if you so desire, but the speed in which you are growing should not be compared to his.
Milly No offense Hi, you explain things very clearly :) I’m just wondering - what if the DA's partner is not that informed (what often happens) about this kind of special features? Looks like that if you don’t do it right - there’s no way things can work as DAs tend to hardly understand themselves and, therefore, communicate with the partner about what they want or need. So it seems that if the DA's partner is not well-educated in attachment theory (the majority of ppl) and doesn’t have martyr's mindset - the chance that things will work in a healthy way is extremely low. Am I wrong?
@@heyowazzup8900 you are right. It takes a dedicated partner to understand the DA and become interested in attachment theory. Often DAs are with AAs because they continue to give love and are used to being dismissed... It's sad, childhood experiences repeat themselves, the trauma persists.
Tell Teal I need to be with her, to know and meet her needs. I want to work through anything that comes up.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
❤️
There are two things I don't fully understand. What does it mean to "hold space" for someone? Can you explain "Boundaries" a bit more thoroughly? There are times when you discuss boundaries and I'm not quite sure I get it. Thanks.
I might be wrong but I believe holding space for someone is when you actively listen to them, validate their experience without jumping in and trying to "FIX" anything or without judgement. You might not agree with them but you do try to understand and empathize. You give them your full attention which is one of the greatest gift you can give someone.
Delgado 7777 you said it beautifully.
@@PennyJackson123 Thank you for your kindness 💜
@@Delgado-ot4lq yesss couldn’t have said it better!
"Healed attachment style" can we make this a thing?
Search for “earned secure attachment”. I think that’s the way its generally phrased in the research.
I'm a little confused about Thais' assertions around healing or reprogramming as opposed to improving communications effectiveness within a particular relationship. I am unaware of any research that supports communications as a mechanism for actual healing or reprogramming. Has there been any work in this direction?
Improving communications in a relationship is a fine and compassionate objective. It will make life incrementally better, but cloaking that in some healing /restorative implications seems too much of a reach.
Can anyone clarify the specifics of these claims?
Reprogramming = reprogramming of the subconscious mind. I have many other videos on this channel that discuss this in significant detail! You can also research terms like "suggestibility," "hypnosis," "neuroplasticity," "neurogenesis," "the subconscious mind," "the unconscious mind" and "autosuggestion." Learning how all of these things intersect independently will be a fun journey if you are interested in this stuff!
Repetition + emotion plays a role in subconscious reprogramming. So if you rinse and repeat what you are doing, it can have an impact on your subconscious. I am not sure what part of the video you're wondering about but that is often what I'm referring to when I just say "reprogramming" in passing. I hope that helps!
Did I miss the 4 types of AP?
I believe there isn't one.
Do you believe a high functioning autistic person is capable of doing this?
Watching this because I was asked to.... and much as the message/instruction is interesting, the messy scripting and random repetition doesn't help me to absorb the key elements.