The Easiest Way To Expand Your Social Circle
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- čas přidán 14. 07. 2023
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eye contact and awkward smile to assert dominance
This is the way
LOL
CONSTANT EYE CONTACT*
Menacing frown *
@@eat_ze_bugsPROLONGED EYE CONTACT ^prolonged eye contact
We need the next 10000 steps spelled out now! Please continue this topic.
You're both right I guess
@@Dimitris_Balf mate the only time I interacted with people outside of my family till I was like 8 was church, where we were basically rewarded for completely shutting up at all times as kids. Then I added a whole other day of the week until I was like 12. I need all the help I can get lol
@@Dimitris_Balfwrong. Actionable advice is exactly what I’m looking for to learn from. Not vague advice like “just do it bro.” Why is the latter so normalized?? It’s so unhelpful and frustrating.
@@Dimitris_BalfI view socializing as a skill that can be improved. But I can’t improve it by “just figure it out.”
Correct!
Some people are so deprived of basic social skills that they could not figure out what exactly to do in these situations. A step-by-step guide would immensely help.
"Look! Here I am!" Somebody needs to clip that without context lol
I agree 🤣💀
If you can find which of his longer videos it’s from, I’ll do it.
LMAO
Bro let his indian accent out for a hot second there
@@pabloquijadasalazar7507it's in the description
what also rly rly helps me is to really view other people as equals. neither look down on or judge anyone nor put them on a pedestal. if you believe this to your core, you will radiate more natural warmth and easy going vibes and social stuff will happen without you thinking about it much.
the trick is to neither be a people pleaser nor a mean person. it used to be so hard for me to find that balance
Not putting the people on a pedestal & seeing them as equals is something I should keep in mind, thanks for the tip ^^
Yooooooooo This has also worked for me before!
This is genuinely really good advice
@jehdsbs Yes this would be a good mindset to have at the beginning for sure: to initiate yourself. Maybe after some time you can get used to the social dynamic a group gives and see who has the most social status and respect from the group. This would allow you to talk more appropriately to each member of the group and without crossing the line with any person. It's like reading the mood of each person and the group and reacting appropriately, it's what I mean.
@@ZoiusGM that sounds kinda calculating. the point of being social is to feel genuinely connected. when you have no hidden motives and don't care about status and try to cultivate real warmth you will at some point reach a state of mind where you don't have to read other people at all. at some point you can simply feel them. you'll have a natural radar for wether someone is good for you or not. and cultivating that genuine connection is what keeps you out of addiction and depression and ultimately makes life worth living.
One thing I noticed really socially adept people do is just act as if they’re supposed to be there. Like these people aren’t complete strangers that you’re scared of lol😅
It’s about self awareness. Socially inept people have far too much self awareness, which is why they feel so awkward. They pay so much attention to every single thing they do and say and how they stand and how people react to them that it’s overwhelming and also makes one feel more awkward. Socially adept people simply don’t have that level of self awareness. They’re almost entirely wrapped up on other people, the conversation, or other things outside of them. As Dr. K has pointed to before, externalizing is a great way to feel more comfortable and seem less awkward in social situations. By focusing a lot on the things outside of you, you can slowly achieve the same seemingly natural skill others have. But the one common pitfall is that you’ll think you’re truly paying all your attention on other people when you’re really paying attention to what other people think of _you_ ,which is not externalizing. Be wary! I’ve found that meditation indirectly helps :)
So do completely socially inept people...
@@PolrisTired some people are so socially unaware that they make others feel akward tho, gotta find the golden middle
@@thomas.thomas True but anyone who thinks of themselves as socially anxious is almost always going to be more attentive to peoples awkwardness.
It seems easy to imagine a person acting "as if they’re supposed to be there", and being really obnoxious and off-putting. So I think while it may be necessary, it's not sufficient.
"Look here I am" while making eye contact with a stranger, best advice ever. Bonus points for doing hand motions.
**starts to overthink WHICH person to do this with**
Don’t call me out like this 😢
😆😖
whoever looks like the leader
this might seem very obvious to a lot of people, but it is definitely very, very helpful for most introverts I think.
Yup, extremely helpful for me, for example. I always need an excuse to talk, and getting conversation is so awkward
@@sanc3375 it may be hard but it’s not impossible to learn
This honestly sounds very creepy, i would be freaked out if someone did this
Aren't we mixing 'introvert' with those that experience social anxiety here?
I know that it can be common for an introvert to experience the anxiety. However it is not by default that they have anxiety.
Socially incompetent people or maybe even traumatized people, but definitely not necessarily introverted people
I did this by accident once at a concert. I was trying to tell a dude he was about to step in a huge pile of ketchup and accidentally ended up talking to a whole group because they thought I was doing this.
So can confirm it works. 😅
Talked to the group, not the guy. He ended up in the ketchup, you ended up with a conversation!
its 11pm and the imagery of someone about to step in just a knee high pile of ketchup is taking me tf out i cant stop laughing
So did he step in the ketchup or not?
This comment is gold wtf😂
How the fuck do you accidentally talk to a group of people lmao. Weren't you just like "Yo! Watch out for the ketchup there!"
"when you're at a conference or at a party..."
So who's gonna invite me to said conference or party if I don't have a social circle??
Look for posters and flyers around universities.
@@Destragondthat would be weird if not university age just going to a university
Easy, you just storm into a random ass party
ever since I started to act openly stupid or ignorant but willing to learn, I've noticed an influx of positive interactions. And it seems to make learning also suddenly easier as you are not in a constant dialogue with your ego but instead with the topic.
To resume cuz I suck explaining myself, we often restrict ourselves and limit our own capacities and perspective with our mind because of lot of different reasons such as education, trauma, beliefs, prejudice and self thaught ideas, but we can figure out much more out of that by opening up to ourselves or others.
Instructions unclear:
Girl thought I was flirting
Every girl ever thinks that every guy is flirting with her. In most cases yes, so this makes those who are not, feel like they can't approach anyone of the opposite sex
@@Soramoi It's kund of the other qay around too, a girl is smiling then it means she's "leading him on". As if romantic or sexual relationships were in any way important
@@tymondabrowski12Is it? More often than not, a girl smiling is seen as just being nice. You know what they say: "The boobs are real, the smile is fake".
@@Soramoi if u cant clarify that you're not flirting, u probably shouldn't be approaching anyone. sounds like some beta shit
@frankkennedy6388 Never heard that saying before but it's kinda funny
The trick to not becoming socially awkward is to stop caring so much what others think
Issue for me is my social skills are child grade level and barely know how to follow up in conversations especially when friend circles are fired up in there making jokes that feels like a wall to me especially since I rarely approach people. Feels like I'd be a annoyance to people if I did that, though it doesn't help if I don't try either. Wish me and others who struggle the best 🤞
I did this at the gym a few years ago at the age of 20. Now I have a best friend and gym bro
@@ph0uad I walked up to a couple guys who were using rings and said “hey are you guys doing calisthenics” they said no, we do gymnastics. I started talking to them about that and boom. Friends
Me: "wow, I'm socially awkward, I need to make more friends." **walks up to random people and smiles creepily**
Dr. K: "Don't do that"
Me: *mission failed successfully*
The ethnicity in his voice saying "look here I am" caught me off guard leaving me in a laughing fit.
And then they laugh at me and calls me a nerd
They just showed you it was not a group worth getting to know. Move onto the next, knowing you dodged a bullet.
I used to be target group for this kind of advice- it was like I was raised by wolves and could not socialize at all. With enough exposure (probably couple of hundred new people over couple of years) it got infinitely better and next thing you know you are able to engage and maybe even get to know closely nearly anyone :)
Thank you for giving me hope. :D
What did you do for exposure?
@@thomaslewis3170 Now I'm curious too :)
I mean, they’re a doctor right?
@@overlordfemto7523oh, trust me. There are a lot of people out there who are just as similar as you, it may be the way both of your personalities work or interests or even motivations in life.
That's when you realize that the "average" person is not so average after all! I practiced and talked with people, tried planning what I'm going to say or who I was going to social with. And before you know it, you're going with the flow. Whatever you want to do or want to say, you do it! No social anxiety holding you back. Overthinking who? (And, trust me on this, I personally experienced this and I tried methods to improve and keep pushing. The result was very quick, it may be hard but so worth it! Before, I struggled with social anxiety that it got so bad that I basically avoided someone I know even when they're standing right in front of me 😅 Like they don't exist to me, even if I know them and they know me back. I just wanted to leave haha) Back to the topic, oh yeah. The averages are not so average after all. Meet a lot of people, they are not one dimensional, they are just like you. They have problems, you have problems, they have benefits in life, you have benefits that others don't have, and that's life!
I remember asking a girl the name of her cocktail at a bar to start rapport. Just being friendly and interested helped a lot. Having some booze myself helped get me thru my awkward phase as well... Lol... Then after enough experience I didn't need the booze to talk to people.
Being social is more rewarding than people usually think.
Walk towards a group, T posing and wait for your dominance to be felt.
Thanks.
Just did this at a party and everyone started to clap, and I'm married now
@@HoodieCat😂
As someone socially anxious, this sounds like absolutely the wrong thing to do, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try
Nah don’t do it you just gonna look stupid
@@Dimitris_Balf what
Try it man, and be persistent
The look here I am is going to be legendary🔥😭😭😂
Just introduce yourself, then compliment someone in the group. Leads into a conversation.
I'm not sure if this will help anyone, but after enduring numerous years of embodying social awkwardness and attempting to identify the root cause, I've reached the conclusion that it's one's own ego that is to blame, and nothing else. Seriously, if you manage to destroy your ego, be it through meditation or psychedelics (I did both for an entire year), the issue of worrying about being judged magically vanishes. This dissolution is temporary, but having experienced it once, you can revisit this state whenever necessary, and everything becomes simple. Prior to achieving this, I would simply linger in the corner, desperately hoping to remain unnoticed. Now, I can confidently approach groups of people and initiate conversations with ease, either by introducing myself or seizing an opportune moment to contribute to their discussion
hahaha okay that opener was hilarious, thank you lol.
im so grateful i have a circle of very close friends- bc starting from scratch is hard.
his smile is adorbs
Not forced, fake and creepy?
@@Freakazoid12345nope not to me :)
@@onlinegurl101 the top upper lip is contorted in an unnatural way.
@@Freakazoid12345ok
Exactly, just go up to a group, introduce yourself, and ask any questions you geniuenly have! If you are wondering what they are talking about, ask them! Be like "what yall talking about?" Or ask them how they're all doing or what they think of the event (ask questions you geniuenly have).
On the other hand you got me, sitting there, trying to think of questions and trying to remember the ones I thought of earlier.
With my luck, they’d be talking about something very personal and I just made it weird by inserting myself uninvited.
Eye contact is too much intimacy for many of us who are Autistic.
"Walk up to people" is the first step, and it's a doozie.
Have you tried NOT being autistic?? /s
There is a reason why autism is a disability, after all... no eye contact definitely makes it harder.
no one's autistic after a few beers ;)
@@potapotapotapotapotapota I know eye contact still sends a jolt to my heart of 10000voltz after a whole pint and a few beers.
@@Shmayes81188 ahhhhhhh
my issue at work is when im in the group and have zero understanding about the topic they are talking about. i just stand or sit there listening trying to figure it out, and it would be useless of me to try to say anything
so ask questions!
Bruh I'm panicky imagining that scenario in my head, bpm is up.
It's easier to just not do that, so I'll just keep doing the not socializing with strangers 😂
This is exactly how I found my first friends in the army after completing basic training. Monday morning, everyone's waiting outside in smaller groups, I just picked one and that was my group then.
my mentor taught me this and honestly it blew my mind how well it works. don't be afraid to speak up to ask questions if you go with the "i'm wanting to learn more about x" as it's an easy way to be in the conversation after you've inserted yourself into the circle. i like to find a moment to ask about someone's story. like how they got to where they are and how they learned what they know. people are more willing to share with you than you think. you just have to ask.
I used to be completely socially isolated when I was younger until I finally figured it out. These days I'll literally waltz up into a group of complete strangers, and say "Hey guys I'm back, what'd I miss?" and it works most of the time!
Ngl if we're at a bar and someone comes up to us while we're talking and is just like "Hi! I would like to learn more about what you're talking about" we would just look at you like "who tf is this guy?" Even if it did fit the content of what we were talking about 😭😭
PROTIP : just carry on your previous conversation with new people like you already know them
Nah that’s weird
Honestly, just ask questuons you geniuenly have or things you actually want to talk about. Even something as simple as "what are yall talking about"
@@viennaawesome6924it’s what outgoing people do. Yeah it’s weird af (to me) but it’s pretty much the way to do it.
"who's that weirdo smiling nodfing who is staring intsely at me?"
Yeah this advice sucks
@@viennaawesome6924
Then do you have any better advice?
It's easy to say something sucks, but it's a lot harder to actually do anything in the first place.
lol I remember when I learned how to 'guy nod' then my mom made fun of it so I vowed never to do it again, stripping me of valuable social skills... now I guess at 33 I have to re-learn this...
Fact is that if u smile and make eye contact out of nowhere, ppl will still think u're cringe
Dr. K has that creepy smile you get when you force it all the time.
i was once at an anime convention and i just started sticking stickers on a chair and suddenly i had a group helping me cover the chair full of sticker
Just be like "Supp guys" and then you continue along the line of what are you guys talking about/what are you doing/who are you/why are you here (do you have something in common? Like are you both students?).
You just have to be excited about the idea of making new friends, that's where your mind has to be and things will go naturally.
I just love you! I have an ex you could really help, and my current husband watches you. You really are helping people. It helps take the stress off of me at dinner parties and etc since I'm the outgoing one in our relationship. Thank you so very much!
Lol it’s so true, might be tough at first but if you make the muscle memory of doing that it becomes natural and the rest just kinda flows
Well actually this is something I never thought of! This is definitely going to make a lot of moments easier
If you're trying to get your foot in the door to speak to someone, ask a question. "How did that happen?", "And then?", "Why did she do that?", etc...
It shows you are interested in what they are saying and works even if you have nothing immediate to add.
Pls consider making this a series and putting it on skillshare
people say I suddenly teleport into conversations. Yes, yes indeed
The perfect balance of humor and logic in a short video. You win!
I’ve been struggling a lot lately Dr. K and I’m so grateful to have found your videos. This is very practical and actionable advice. Appreciated! ❤🎉
I usually just go "hey guys mind if I join your group, I don't know anyone here and don't feel like standing over there by myself"
Everyone has experienced that feeling of not knowing how to enter a group and can immediately relate to it
The confident honestly about it will make them understand your intentions right away and most likely they'll say yes and it even opens the door to being like "so what are we talking about?"
Bam, you're part of the conversation and acknowledged
Exactly, this is the perfect way
That’s a little too bold for me.
WE need part two for a way to escape once you realized you made a terrible mistake.
I work in sales so I'm not scared of people at all.
I will literally say stuff like "hey guys, y'all seem pretty chill. I'm just gonna insert myself into this conversation".
Most of the time this type of thing will illicit some kind of chuckle from the group I've just joined and they'll know that I'm self-aware enough to know exactly what I'm doing, and they'll also see I have a sense of humor.
If they react negatively, well they just failed my test for them and I'll find other people.
Works extremely well.
But even if this works you still need to get contact information and somehow follow up. It's easier to make friends if you see people on a regular basis.
Just getting used to talking to people for meaningless yet pleasant interaction is already a huge help so that when you do have an opportunity to see someone again, you're not floundering or giving them desperate vibes
lol, my go to at any conference is pick out two activities that conflict with each other and are kind of on par and walk over and ask which one do people think is worth it. We never resolve that non issue but sure have a good time chatting about everything else.
I just make sure I'm in the rough area of the people I like and laugh about jokes I hear.
That will naturally make them look at me and integrate me into the conversation. Laughing at people's jokes is the best way to be on their good side immediately.
Essentially, just "Hi, I exist."
So simple, yet profound
Just the fact that I'm watching this video makes me nervous and anxious
Same
Thanks ! My social life is going to improve a lot !
what if my name isn’t alok will it still work?
but, im sure im bothering them.
one of my worst social experience was when i accidently included myself at a birthday dinner.
everyone was preparing to go out and i just went: "oh! are we going somewhere"
i barely knew anyone in the group and felt awkward the whole dinner because i knew i kind of force them to invite me.
I kind of forced myself to go too because I was extêmely shy and lonely at the time.
I think im better today but i attribute more of it to how much more communicative of how i felt to others ive become.
Great for getting a foot in. Dont forget the follow up and contact info to keep the connection
My own tactic is showing them my octopus plushie.
Getting in to a conversation is easy. Contributing to it, like being interesting and maintaining that conversation is a lot more difficult.
Smiling so much his ancestor came out
The walking up part I have no issue with, but the line you gave... No clue when that makes sense to use. I assume people tend to go to places with purpose, which would make me seem out of place right then and there by asking that.
Yeah doesn't feel like it can be used often from either side, at least with groups of 4 or more, just thinking about it. It'd be weird to walk up to a group to say ,"Hi, I'm looking to learn more about uh this frat house. Or how to play beer pong. Or how to dance to this new Lil Uzi Vert song." While when I'm in a group of friends, I wouldn't hate if a random new person joined and approached us like that, but I just don't see how they would gel when we all know each other and have our own dynamic and inside jokes that a stranger wouldn't get.
Now the problem is I'm stuck in a conversation, and I hate talking to people
What you say and do is soo important!
awkward smile without context
ask yourself what is the right thing to do, and the pressure will go away and the right thing will happen.
yeah. I'm not doing that.
and now i need to know how to leave a conversation without being nervous, so i can start wanting to interact😅
My strategy is to listen to what they're talking about and then proceed to share my knowledge, thoughts, or opinion on whatever topic they're discussing. Keep the conversation flowing without missing a beat and you're now part of the group, assuming they like what you said. If they didn't, try again and find a more compatible group. This method is more natural and doesn't put their attention on you, but rather keeps the focus on the topic and the conversation flowing while you assimilate yourself.
Bro reverted to factory settings with "Look here I am!" 😂
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It has really helped me find different ways to navigate life.
As a extrovert that feels at home in any situation, hear is my trick.
1. Walk towards the people or crowd that grab your interest. (This gives you a natural and authentic curiosity and motivation).
2. If they are not talking - introduce yourself and ask how everyone knows each other
3. If they are talking, just listen attentively to the convo and speak by assessing the conversation.
Example = "You guys talking about the new marvel movie right ? Haven't watched it yet. Is it any good?"
Even with this set up it may seem weird for some. I notice people with social anxiety can be so bad they don't speak when given the opportunity. They give THE MOST shortest answer and want to stop people from listening to them. And I think in such cases people with such anxiety need to address their lack of vulnerability. I'm sure there is enough material online.
Wow this is already light years ahead of my methods. I love it.
The way he put on a whole other accent for "Look! Here I am!"
It also really helps if you make some kind of hand motion, most typically a wave.
Complimenting on an article of clothing or the like (bag, shoes, dog, etc) works really great too !! Positive way to start an interaction !
Ok, I am very social. Very extroverted, very outgoing, and I absolutely have done this without realizing im doing this.
I just want to add one caveat for anyone who is looking to implement this for the first time. It absolutely works. It does not work 100% of the time. Don't let that discourage you.
Another thing you can mix in to incrrase your chance of success as well as allow yourself to escape if it turns out that YOU arent interested in spending more time with THEM, is to enter with a question. "Hey are they serving drinks/food here?" (especially if someone in the group is bolding a drink). "Where does the line for X start?" "What time is the *thing* starting?" "Where did you guys park? I feel like I parked in the wrong place."
Each of those can easily lead into a full conversation with nice people, and gives you a great excuse to leave if they're all clicky, closed off, or rude. If you want to stay thank them for the help, do follow-up questions about the drink, the event, why they are there, etc. If you want to leave, say thanks and then go get a drink, food or find the line. Try again with a different group.
It's so obvious and yet I never thought about it, thank you man
Also throw in a time constraint to avoid feeling clingy
This video just gave me anxiety
But, why would people be interested in talking with me? I'd just be intruding in the group
nah. extroverts like numbers. they think "look at all the people that think im interesting." Everyone has an ego - they are thinking about how they come across - not you. Remembering that helps me when I'm self-conscious.
just imagine it the other way around. if you’re talking with ppl and i’m coming up saying „hey! i’m new here, my names suppe, can you tell me a little bit about this place?“ would you think i’m annoying? would you think i’m unnecessarily inserting myself?
fr fr that may be the case. People want to socialize with their friends and it's weird if some stranger just joins in.
Just because the time/place is a social event doesn't mean they're trying to be social with anyone but who they know
If you think no one would be interested in talking to you, then get out there in the world and make yourself someone worth talking to. Find new hobbies, interests, study something, start talking to people slowly it doesn't have to start with a large group.
@@allisonsmith8025Its not that deep bro.
'just look at them' is a couple of difficulty levels to high...I think I'm going to stick with awkwardly approaching the group and standing there in silence until I am able to mumble some words while looking next to their heads or at the floor.
Id just stand in one corner mentally preparing myself to join a conversation until i just give up
This is what ive always done to join people because idunno what else are you supposed to do, but it always feels really bad when youre doing it like youre forcing your way in and bothering people and then even when youre hanging with them it feels like youre not welcome there
lol as a person who doesn't really enjoy social gatherings, this is exactly why I avoid eye contact with randoms
“Hi, I didn’t want to be that person to just smile and walk away”
Thanks,it was really useful:))
They will refuse to look at you if they want you to go away. So...your instructions fail on step one.
_"Get away you nerd"_
Pokémon was trying to teach us the importance of eye contact all along
so what do you do when you make eye contact and they look away while you’re walking over💀
Now, if I can have the next 56 social decisions organized in some form of flow chart for quick reference.
I saw a guy at my gym with a shirt from the school I went to and I spent like 10 min trying to figure out how to say hi to him and I more or less did this, then we talked for like 20 minutes, and it was awesome
Usually I just ask people for help and then suddenly we're friends
I find that just jumping in straight away as soon as you see them helps. Just be like "g'day guys!"...etc
The accent killed me😂😂