Learn Control: Don't Let Rage Ruin Your Life
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- čas přidán 1. 01. 2019
- All people experience anger, but those with BPD and BPD traits have specific triggers that can set them off into an anger or rage episode. Knowing these triggers can help you learn to identify and control your anger and rage.
Anger or rage is likely to be seen from those with BPD when they feel like a failure, feel neglected, alone, rejected, or abandoned. Once triggered, the individual with BPD tends to wonder whether the caregiver, or love object or favorite person, cares and gives enough.
Once the individual with BPD experiences a rage episode panic typically follows in an often reckless execution (anger behaviors or gestures towards or others of themselves) to get the love object to provide the much wanted and needed affection and nurturance.
What tends to happen is that the love object may become frightened, angry themselves, anxious, or a whole host of other emotions that causes further distance out of fear that they need to protect themselves. When this occurs, the individual with BPD feels more alone but continues to engage in the anger/rage episode trying to get an external force to provide the needed control - inpatient placement may be needed. This regretfully becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy often seen in BPD.
Remember, knowledge is power and understanding your anger and rage and how it fits with your BPD can help you identify triggers, emotional buttons, and the type of anger you have to then learn and use anger reduction techniques to help get control over your BPD, your anger, and your life.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available May 1, 2019, but you can pre-order it now at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
CZcams: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
Citation:
Berenson, et al. (2011). The Rejection-Rage Contingency in Borderline Personality Disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 120: 681-690.
I find after a rage i get very upset about my behaviour feel utter shame and a need to be punished so then triggeres self halm with guilt
Literally me tonight ^
me too, i get shameful after i act out, and then it turns to rage and then i self harm
I don't feel guilty is that bad ?^^ it's usually when people deceive me, the first time I act as if I didn't care, the second time I get super hurt I cry, then I become angry, I talk about it to friends, once I have the confirmation the person is stupid then I do it. I don't have any patience with less sensitive people I think...but this video is super interesting. It's usually with a love interest or a family member. I think we think things, all emotions, very strongly, and rage is indeed a way of having control over the situation. I usually cut off people from my life like that. But yes maybe I should work on anger. I wish more people were as empathetic as us though. I feel as though most of the time they don't care as much as we do.
Exactly. I immediately want to cut my wrists.
@fight back you say "don't get angry" like it's easy but what do i do if i literally can't stop? it feels like someone else is taking over and i'm just watching... i learn all these skills but when i have to use them i think to myself "i don't care, i want to be angry, i want them to know i'm angry", what can i do? please help me
My main trigger is bullying and when I feel disregarded or made to feel unimportant/ not heard.
Michelle My Belle Same here
Same
Me too
Michelle W I share your same sentiment. You summed it up perfectly!
Same
One of my biggest triggers is when nothing goes smoothly. And nothing in my life ever goes smoothly. Or when I'm having a freak out and everyone just stand there looking at me instead of helping me look for what I'm trying to find.
Chessie Kat I feel you, when i lose things i just cant handle
I feel you i have huge rage issues almost caused me to loose friends few times
You and me both tired of all the constant disappointments
Yes of course it happens to me all the time.. I guess everyone thinks about me as a clown...
Me personally the hardest thing I’m the kindest person i know but when I get angry I hate the feeling so a panic everything I held I unleash make it worse and keep on and on bc how I feel inside the feelings are too much . I catch myself when I feel angry but it takes over ... any tips? I hate being angry or not knowing how to handle situations bc I get so upset and beat myself up.
My rage triggers is usually not being listen to. Too often people just talk over each other and disregard what others say. It’s really disrespectful
Me too I can’t stand being talked over. Or whenever I wait and hear them out and then the moment I start talking I get talked over. Sends me to a state of pure rage and hatred towards the person and often times gets me in trouble
majority of people are like that and it pisses me off. im getting more anti social each day. they dont listen
The feeling of not being heard is so frustrating.
Think in this way, you are not the center, just another regular human being, why so self important!
Anger can leads to a lot of illness
Anyone else also have adhd and is scrolling in the comments, while he's talking, so you have to keep restarting? 😂😭😭
At age 42, I’ve noticed that my rage explosions mostly come from this feeling of ‘but what about me? Can’t you see I need attention?’ when I’m having a hard time in life but also try my best to act ‘normal’ so obviously the outer world has no clue but then I rage about why they don’t see my silent suffering. Another reason is how people will act when they are around others - they’ll turn into different beings, often a better happier versions of themselves, and seeing that can be a trigger for me too. No matter how much I remind myself that I do the exact same time like everyone else, if really gets to me.
Exactly me but i am way younger
I'm literally watching this with smoke coming out of my head like a cartoon. And I feel like breaking something. And yet idk y I can't help but shedd a tear when I hear you talk about abandonment and neglect. Because despite having both my parents in my life, I feel like they were never really involved in the things that truly mattered and never truly knew me. And I feel like I had to raise myself. And had to scavenge for healthy father figures and life lessons/advice. Only to always be let down. Because my father was an alcoholic who only cared about himself and satisfying his addictions. And I grew up with an overly controlling and religious mother who tried to force an image onto me that she wanted for me and that I didn't want. Who also had a quick temper and would take her rage out on me and my siblings about small insignificant things that could have easily been handled. Like dropping a glass or small accidents that sometimes wasn't even my fault. And would even say just mean and very hurtful things for no reason whatsoever. So nowadays I feel like the only person I can truly trust or count on is myself.
Damn that is so sad. I came across your comment and felt pity.
@OP same, it's really jarring all of it.
It’s EXTREMELY COMMON exactly how he put it in a Caribbean house hold!!! My story is no different
@@Daniel-ns71617 they don’t need your pity just empathy or sympathy
I resonate and I’m here with you
I'm so tired of existing like this, I don't want to continue...
I feel the same way after my episodes, thought it was just me
@@user-zc8lb8db6w It's a horrible existence...
Go do something you wnat to do..
fck work
fck household chores
fck office chores
just get out..
You say all this and yes we want to do all this but can we really say eff all that you say to do .we have bills to pay and mouths to feed .. maybe try sayung something else lol😂@@wildyato3737
I cant afford a therapist or anything, and your videos have saved my life. I thought I was crazy. I was having these attacks that lasted so much longer than a normal panic attack, and now I can work on getting better without struggling to afford a doctor. Thank you!
Look up DBT/Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - it was a model of therapy available free online and is designed specifically to help people with BPD. Keep searching the internet until you find decent free resources, there is a ton out there. Radical Acceptance is another one. Good luck.
Doesn't your country have government hospital?
@@freefunrandomeditseveryone6805 they cant provide a therapist, that costs money (im pretty sure) if you want a therapist and sessions you have to pay. if uou go to a hospital they can give you a psychiatrist i believe? they can diagnose you if you’re staying in an inpatient facility (depending on your insurance) but either way it is very costly
I would love videos directed at doctors & loved ones on how to help borderlines,too. It would be so helpful.
Good idea
B0omer96 Don’t give up...every little thing you can do for yourself is a plus. I’m praying for you.
@B0omer96 the rage is not you. The anger is real, is the extreme it goes to is the problem. With bpd, the treatment is not drugs and sedatives. Its behavioral therapy and remembering that bpd isnt actually apart of you, but its a coping mechanism your brain created, that you have to think yourself out of
One time, I had a counselor tell me that it wasnt my loved ones' responsibility to educate themselves on my BPD. It kind of hurt my feelings.
@B0omer96 I really relate to you on this. It feels like the meds just shut me up and make me forget about actual valid reasons that led me to my most recent bout of rage or depression. It makes me more angry.
My BPD brother goes into rages when he doesn’t get his way. He’s 31 now and has been in jail multiple times due to his poor anger management and assaulting others when he’s angry. He has a therapist now. Hopefully he is as informed as yourself. Thanks for the video
I'm sorry to hear that Lauren. I've had therapy for 3 years and it is sooooooo important to us BPD people. It has been the only thing that has helped me. I really hope your brother gets as much out of it as I have. Make sure it's one he likes and respects, that's paramount. Xxx
That's fuckin me
I read that a majority of inmates have ADHD which includes poor impulse control. Just imagine if their impulses where controlled they would not be in prison.
My 21 year old is the same way and I’m sure jail is in his future
@@roseault6335 I suspect in years to come were going to discover that a lot of these things are interlinked. The ICD, which is the standard used in many countries outside America (rather than the DSM) has now scrapped all the old personality disorders and replaced them with a single dimensional, spectrum type model which records all the traits a person has which need treatment. The idea being that it's artificial to put these traits into separate personality disorder boxes, because in many cases they're different sides of the same coin. It reflects the thinking of the famous psycho analyst Otto Kernberg, who for example believed that narcissism is a coping mechanism for an underlying borderline type personality, rather than a separate personality disorder.
I have struggled with BPD since my childhood. I now have more control over my actions now but the inner me still seems the same. How do I adapt the inner me to be in congruence with my outer expression. I still have the desire to be outrageous, destructive, I feel very low lows, etc. I’ve just learned over the years to mimic how ‘normal’ people act in efforts to maintain relationships and not hurt others.
This is not a simple response. You may want to talk with a mental health provider.
Same
I felt this. As a destructive but quiet BPD, i feel like im just hiding how i constantly feel or what i think out of fear of others leaving because of it. One of my biggest fears that’s NOT related to childhood trauma is that some day im just going to burst and become the serial killer I fantasize about being when i feel rage.
@fight back Thank you Dr. Verghese for your example of not just surviving but thriving. Thank you for your encouragement directly and the encouragement you provide by your nature.
YES. I get this. You are not alone.
When I get angry I have an overwhelming urge to destroy anything or anyone in my sight so to say. What does this mean?🤔
tallionic impulse. I first heard of it on you tube
Me too. And it's ruining my lifeli either punch or slap in my face😭😭😭😭😭💯
Same, I wish I had a way to deal with it - when the Covid-19 virus dissipates I'm going to hire a psychiatrist - no amount of these well-made videos is helping me change anything about the profound rage I experience when I feel belittled or inferior in a field I am passionate about
Don't underestimate the power of meditation .... it heals the Primitive part of the brain The Reptilian part of the brain that wants to strike out that wants to be violent that wants to be unreasonable .
Meditation allows the more logical parts of the brain to become strengthened and have more control .
And allows people to learn to just let things go ... it allows them to learn to take a breath .
It gives people Peace of Mind literally and it helps clear the head and creates a sense of space .
Yoga can also help and there are even some yoga's for fear and yoga for anger if you look on CZcams.... yogas for anxiety .
You will also see mudras on CZcams ... mudras are hand yoga believe it or not and they work sometimes very quickly but they are all tied in with the Neurology of the brain .
Please look here on CZcams for the mudras for getting rid of fear and for getting rid of anger and for getting rid of anxiety and even for getting rid of addictions .
Also nothing worse than people complaining about having anger issues or fear or anxiety when they are doing drugs like cocaine or street drugs .... sorry but same thing with alcohol .
@@cherrybelle7956 that's exactly...me
Top one trigger for me after feeling neglected / invisible is when I tell something very important to someone and then they dismiss it all as being "all in my head", "imaginary". This is how my parents still react to me to this day. My mother is an evil 3 year-old stuck in woman's body (malignant narc) and my father is an avoidant workaholic. Once the anger got so bad I actually caused 100s of dollars of damage on my own stuff. Pausing when you fell it climbing (the rage) is the key here. Maybe unleashing into a punching ball until you get tired helps too. Cold water. Lifts. And stop pacing.
I get triggered when someone gives me sh*t for nothing or for something small. I get triggered when someone is observing me, waiting for a mistake or when someone talks to me in a different way from how they talk to the rest. Sometimes I get so mad I want to apologize but sometimes people don't deserve an apology and sometimes they really need to get yelled at. Working out is a great tool, you'll notice after a while your confidence is rising and people start to treat you with more respect.
It's important to recognize your triggers and find healthy ways to manage them.
My emotional trigger happens because I'm raising a teen alone, this is emotionally exhausting... I've always been alone and an outsider but being responsible for another who's behavior I cannot control.. my hardness is a direct result from having to carry all of life's weight without support .. we need more community support in America..
Borderlines and co-dependents become filled with rage when a significant other who lacks empathy who is thus a narcissist rejects them or demeans them. It is the fear or abandonment realized or the fear of rejection realized provoking the rage in the person with borderline personality disorder and co-dependency. Narcissists are like the demons and those with borderline personality disorder and co-dependency are like the revengeful angels when enraged.
Yessssss!
Was just thinking about this earlier and you are spot-on with this. Narcissists take the bpds empathy for granted because narcs lack it. BPDs are fallen angels who are actually by-products of a narcissistic environment and entangled in a toxic narc web.
@@sarasennet2678 NPD's don't choose their disorder either!
Omg this comment made me so upset I deal with bpd he was so abusive telling me I’m a demon but narcissist don’t care how you feel , even if it’s their fault . I told him I struggle with it and when we fight I shut down and cry and take his mean words bc all I feel is the pain. Sometimes I rage . I’m so nice I never wanna be mean or rage, but dealing with a narcissist 3 years I realize that this was happening to me. They can use your anger against you or if you have right to be upset
@Cassie this is an eye opener bc he knew how to make me feel worse about myself and enrage me when I didn’t want to be .
My trigger is always based on fear of lover leaving or cheating I never really experience triggers out side of romantic or intimate partner thing I always feel when in love they control my feelings and I hate them for my loss of control sensation I feel due to having fallen in love....it's truly a love hate thing and I have ended many romantic relationships over this trauma I don't feel I can help this monster when it rises up it is not planned ...more provoked and primal thanks Dr greatly appreciated
I also feel that. I am suspicious of men and even if they look at another woman for too long I feel that they are looking for something else. I then feel low, rage and shame. But I never ever feel safe in a relationship and end up dropping the person and repeating the process.
I would react if I think someone hates me or doesn't want to be around me even if they're just coworkers. I guess it just makes me feel inferior somehow.
I was in a professional relationship with a woman for two years, she had a medical duty of care to act responsibly to me but I think perhaps feelings developed either way and she ended up going distant on me after I once challenged her... She was never the same again, and I guess I snapped at her in anger one day. And she then made irresponsible use of my medical history to cause severe damage to my life. I think she may have had some kind of BPD. She spoke to me like I was the devil. I was wounded for months. It's been nearly a year, I still cry for her.
I feel with my research much of your anger comes from fear of abandonment
This exact thing happen to me and i just went through it with a person that was actually talking to other people, and i reacted it and now im just numb and feel guilty but im still angry and i feel abandoned and betrayed
I so much agree that choice can be very empowering to people with BPD
My most common trigger is when I have my space or boundaries violated that I struggle to establish, as well as the feeling of being cornered and my opinions being disregarded often in fights.
Being ignored or given the silent treatment often makes me angry and turn my anger inward, because I don’t want to hate the person so I hate myself- leading to outbursts, then guilt, and fear and then sh.
It doesn’t always happen in this order, or the contexts, so it feels difficult and makes me tired at the end of the day.
I'm here because I have a hard time identifying triggers, because in most cases my rage comes on so suddenly and over things that are very small/trivial. Like honestly I could be lied to, betrayed, lose a friend, or something big and feel numb and then something like let's just say getting stuck in traffic, a thing I wanted to buy is out of stock, my S/O says something that rubs me the wrong way, the most tiny inconvenience can set me off into uncontrollable rage and meltdowns. It is awful.
Same. I just had a complete meltdown over my mailbox key not working.
I stay angry. It’s non stop. There’s no catching it as it builds. Just immediate 1000 percent rage and or extreme sadness screaming that I just want to die. I’m always abandoned let down rejected. It never ends. It hurts like hell and I’m beyond tired if this is what it’s gonna be I don’t want it. I’m sorry I don’t. I don’t see anyway out. Only thing that helps is getting high or drunk or being asleep. Otherwise I feel like I’m rubbing against a cactus.
Not being listened to and having my feelings dismissed causes my rage. This is from my mother, she was very passive aggressive and I'd have dreams I was screaming at her for attention but she acted like I was invisible. I understand the trigger, but it still boils up and I rage like a silver back ape when I'm not listened to.
So relatable
@@SeattleMartinnot at all, stop generalising stuff because of your own judgement. Being human doesn't equalize the suffering. Some people do have it worse than the others especially an illness like bpd. Doesn't mean feeling grandiose about your suffering but this guy right there just shared his pov and if it makes someone else feel heard, what's your problem?
It's not awkward and it's not victimizing. Bpd is real and just because our perspectives are distorted doesn't mean we are distorted! Smoke that
@@SeattleMartin Thank You for clarifying. All my life I've been around people who never understood me and mercilessly judged my situation. It's only recently that I've tried challenging my belief of being a 'fake'. So..I'm just extra sensitive to any such comments because in the past they've horribly influenced the trajectory of my life. Apologies if it hurt, once again thank you for understanding and taking the time to write back. Honestly, it is in moments like these where I don't feel like the world is all black, a Distortion created by my bpd. Hopefully, I find a good pyschologist who understands me one day.
@@SeattleMartin Thank You Sir. Have a good life! God bless you. This means a lot to me♥️
story of my life
i get really upset when i feel like someone is ignoring me, especially when i need them in the moment and they don't help me out when i need them. then that upset turns to anger, and usually i hold that anger against them
Same. It turns to resentment so quick and I start to backslide and detach myself from them. I have to stop it in its tracks sometimes
It is so hard. I hope you're doing okay. Keep your head up as much as you can and comfort yourself like you would comfort someone else if they were hurting or in pain.
Rage is controlling my life 😭😭😭😭
I absolutely feel how much you're suffering.
I did too up until about 45. I still have it but it's not as bad. If someone slights me. My brain will explode if I don't do something.
Can someone tell me how to handle this shit emotion as rage i hate it , its really draining
Well me too ..all I do is work ..or house chores which slows down the rage.
Rage effect
Movement speed amd attack speed + % (depends upon how you are got triggered off)
Aderline mode ON
Intense energy ..
After effect :
It hurts mentally,psychologically and physically
I was told by my 2 brothers and sister that I have an anger and rage probelm, that I am a "Monster" and I need therapy and medication. I guess I have always known I have anger issues which can slip into a blind rage. It was so comforting to hear Dan talk about abandonment and neglect because that is where it all started for me, My father died when I was 24 and my girlfriend (I was very codependant) left me a few weeks later. My 2 closest famiily members emersed themselves in their careers and I was totally neglected. I unfortuantely turned to booze and dope for comfort but when I got sober the anger and rage slowely started to rear its ugly head. I guess I have some work to do and really hope I can get better.
I hear u.
Ive learned it's best to stop talking and take deep breath if you feel stressed or angry. And it's best to understand arrogance. Thats what really helped me . I was half way cured. Because it was inconsiderate people who would make me upset. Because I wanted to be friendly. But nobody wanted to give me their time. Because people who are self important are usually difficult people and like to act superior to boost their self esteem. It's best to keep it polite and be respectable. Dont give self focused people a reason to make a drama. I dont have any bad communication with people anymore because I'm not looking for attention. I just keep it polite and try and keep my cool. And I dont expect anything from anyone.
i thought tht too until i just falled today. its not that easy to get rid of it
@@SeattleMartin its the opposite, they talk all the time.
If i start to talk, majority of time they will interrupt me.
People are getting more narccissic each day. They are unable to do active listening.
I have explosive outbursts whenever someone I love is rude with me and does not know how to approach me.
If they scream at me I instantly trigger the rage outbursts and end up screaming back/ offending and destroying objects like doors or whatever
I can relate I'm dignaosed with HFA and got bullied a bunch of times to the point later on in life I got dignaosed with IED which is worst I got a history of punching walls slamming chairs verbal aggression and physical aggression that I'm not proud of I wish ppl can accept me for being autistic and not treat me like sum retard or punching bag or of course I'm gonna turn volient and attack ppl 😢
Every little thing is a trigger for me, the sound of cars, my family, mobile ringtones, doors and windows closing.
I would suggest exploring general relaxation techniques as well as triggers and core content. Be well
I really appreciate how you don’t “dumb down” your content. This video was very helpful and gave me a lot to think about.
This video helped me realize why I rage when I know that I am wrong to do it. But no matter what I can't do anything to stop it. I usually obliterate everyone in my path in my rage, the way it ends is one of 2 ways, self harm or sobbing for hours until I fall asleep wherever I'm at. Thanks for your help. You explain it better than any therapist I have been to
I have these moments when I’m feeling so terribly rotten and miserable that my anger gets fueled and I get mad at myself and strike myself with my fists to the side of my head.
It’s this Hatred that I never can get out of this awful hellish feeling everyday. It comes with an overwhelming impulse. Once it’s over I feel a stream of emotions that calm me down.
Almost euphoric.
Awful. Very embarrassing.
My friend does the exact same thing. Punches himself in the head while saying horrible things about himself. It's so painful to witness, I can only imagine the pain you must feel inside. I wish you healing ❤️🩹
Imagine getting triggered when backed into a corner by someone imposing unfair control onto you as an extension of their ego. Even if subtle, it was a trigger once an action by the person was registered. Your core subconscious takes over in the form of visceral rage that explodes like a wild beast. Survival mode is engaged, and pulling yourself back from it can cause you to nearly black out from the intensity. That is the full form of manifestation for me, 0-100 in the matter of 30 seconds from the trigger. It scared me realising what happened, ignoring the throat that was hurting from extreme shouts. This occasionally appear in much smaller bursts for a split second in times of prolonged stress and frustration, which can still give others a surprise.
I'm so glad I found your videos at the right time! I'm not only learning about Borderline but I'm also learning how I can express myself with the man I love. First I learned that he's not abusive because that was contradicting the kind and caring side that's a huge part of his personality and his family life, well, the biggest part. Secondly, he has got serious health issues that, at middle age we are both at, need a high level of attention and self-care. Some risk-taking and self-destructive behaviour (when angry or emotionally overwhelmed) would be really detrimental at this point. I consider your information nothing less than a life-saver.
Its also brought relief for myself as I seem to have traits although only to a small extent. They did change the trajectory of my life though and I was never before able to understand why despite of years of counseling ect. Well, both him and me seem to think it's just the way each of us are *shrugs*. Running away being a big part of it. I have worked on my core content, I think, and I'm much more at peace with myself. I have the advantage of academic education though and I have always been able to educate myself about my psychological issues. My friend does not but he is always hungry for knowledge and learning.
The way you word and present the problems around BPD and BPD traits, is especially helpful. Its the way my first counselor (s) talked. Very empowering and nonjudgmental but rather kind, caring, understanding although neutral and giving the individual options for understanding the issues they'd like to change.
Absolutely awesome!
Thank you
Rage to get ALL the frustration and anger I’ve been burdened by out in one, much shorter, burst, then exhaustion and no more frustration or anger. I think perhaps abnormal adrenaline dumps from being triggered play a role. That’s where “no choice” but to rage comes in. It’s too big to hold. The worst thing is the guilt and shame afterwards, and a lot of the time, you deal with injuries you sustained during the rage attack. To me, it’s a way to get all the nasty garbage and chaos of the mind, heart, and body that has accumulated from people being mean, stupid, and hurtful. Also relationships are often damaged with people who either uncomprehendingly witness the rage or are a target (who are often simply the straw that broke camel’s back and sometimes they are the “safest” person to take it out on). Even if the other person is understanding, because of the shame and guilt. My family piled shame and guilt on you if you expressed anger, then they would ostracize and abandon. I’m pretty sure my rage attacks have the origin in my nuclear family winding me up to the outer limits of my self control and confusing and hurting me so bad and I could NEVER hurt them back and they didn’t care. Humiliation and shame if you broke character, even as a baby. It’s programming. Very scary.
The good thing about seeing it as programming is that you can re-program it and see the world and behave within it differently. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox Thanks so much! Yes, a switch flipped in my understanding when I realized it was bad programming at the core and able to be personally reprogrammed for the better. ✌️
One of my triggers is when I see a pattern of poor treatment from loved ones. When you call them out they gaslight you
I completely understand how frustrating it can be to experience poor treatment from loved ones. It's important to recognize and address these patterns for the sake of your own well-being.
Dr Fox this video saved me from setting off on people close to me. It helped me understand what I was feeling and why and how to make a different choice.
Thank you for writing it all down. I like to read it. It gives me a chance to chew on certain points.
Thanks Daniel. Just watched the video and feel overwhelmed and hopeful. Every individual is different however lately I feel I often create these situations while trying to avoid them as when I feel intrusive thoughts and intense emotions I become angry at myself .. and then when I feel full control lost and the intense emotions of rage.. I even more self destructive to try to almost gain some external control-in my case it is my partner who is normally already upset and fustrated / exhausted as I have had another rage episode which I always feel riddled with guilt but still lack control and do it a day later - I think he is so used to my episodes he is automatically ready to react to my reactions it makes a bad cycle..I think the lack of understanding and frustration make the episodes hard for him as my triggers are unpredictable and fluctuate so rapidly ... the episodes become more dangerous as I rapidly scramble for control and become self aware and full of regret as I realise I have ruined another day and caused another un necessary situation.. so that triggers a different episode of complete depression and failure.It is exhausting and so emotionally consuming, those closest to me feel the force and hurt the most.
I hope with your videos and workbooks I can create a even better understand and try help myself. The services available to me currently are in no way effective and at 21 and a huge delay in my development with my life goals/ambitions and huge amounts of unstable relationships and destructive habits- lately I have felt more concerned for myself. You feel like my only voice, it is such a battle to be in my mind every day.
Thank you for being my voice.
Bonnnie Parker I feel you xxxx
I hope you've been having some better days.
Couldn't agree more, this has been life long. 60+ years tired of living this way....
A very good one doc! I needed that! You’ve renewed my steadfastness in accompanying my dear wife through all of this.
Thank you so much for a clear, concise and copassionate insight into borderine rage.
Most common core content issues:
- sense of being rejected / loss
- abandonment
- feeling neglected
Agreed. Though I believe the episodes have a biochemical core reason, thus anger control techniques are innefective on the long run. Unless combined with specific supplementation to balance out their biochemistry. Not talking about meds, just individualized nutritional treatment with vitamins, minerals, amino-acids and food restrictions. Most commonly effective are
#1- Omega-3
#2 - BCAA
#3 - Vitamin C
#4 - Magnesium (ionic form)
#5 - Zinc Chelate + B6 + Omega-6 (for excessive stress / pyrroluria)
#6 - Lithium Orotate
Both
This video left me feeling even MORE hopeless about my situation. It's so easy for people without these problems to speak clinically and dissect us but the more it's described, the more I realize there's nothing that can be done. These episodes come when I'm HAPPY and not there's no way to recognize when something from weeks ago is still affecting me. SOOOOO much info but zero hope for this. I can "identify my triggers" all I want after the fact but there's no help when the triggers sneak up on you.
There is hope! I used to think it was impossible to not be triggered (I have CPTSD). But I learned how to take control back from my triggers via regularly practicing mindfulness.
Practice being mindful of your own body, thoughts, and feelings, in as many situations as possible, both when you’re calm and when you’re super upset. That way you’ll more easily notice when things are off, even if the shift is subtle.
Once you’re able to notice when you’ve been triggered, you have an opportunity to take action and do something differently.
You have a good start in knowing what the triggers were after the fact, which means you have a rough idea of what situations to watch out for in the present.
That’s what I’ve learned to do in DBT. I highly recommend a DBT therapy program for anybody with BPD/CPTSD.
I feel the same way, that I can watch these videos and get good insight, but once I get angry, all of it disappears. I'll think about it after the fact, and I feel worse because I couldn't do anything.
People make this sound so easy.
I just had a dream in which I suffered a rage attack. My mother and brother were there. I choked and choked because I kept my anger inside. I wanted go shout and throw things but... I kept silence, for fear of the consequences. They pretended nothing was happening. Just like they often did. I woke up with huge tightness in my chest, almost crying. Few years ago I bought a book on living with a BPD person for my mom. Published in my native language. There's not much help available on BPD in my country. I was happy to get this book. She never read it.
I'm living in a constant denial of reality. My dad is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink anymore. When I told him about my 15 years of therapy, he said, that's my problem. That I need a psychiatrist not because of the damage he did, but because "your head is sick". When I was a kid I was actually planning to kill my father. I'm serious. I remember holding a knife and thinking about a good plan. Living with him was a day-to-day nightmare. My idea was to sacrifice myself for my mom and a younger brother. I'll kill him. I'll go to a prison but they will finally have peace. They'll be safe. It never happened of course.
I live in a constant anxiety. Last two weeks I struggle with breathing. I woke up few times choking. I'm still young, 35, I regularly go to my gym, I'm in a good shape. And I cannot breathe. I'm wondering, what is the difference between taking control of the anger and suppressing it? I try to suppress it and the rage is directed inwards. I hate myself.
I'm sorry about this sweetheart.
These videos are incredibly helpful.
Thank you for allowing me to finally understand my rage outburst. And how it’s connected to my bpd and the being abandoned.
You are so welcome
I'm ashamed to admit, my rage has gotten the better of me in the past and I have hurt others. I'm in treatment now and it's been a decade since, but I don't know if I can ever forgive myself or be forgiven.
People not letting me speak or cutting me off send me off big time, or people telling me how I feel.. hostility brings out the worst in me though and after? I can’t face myself. Feel mortified and full of shame
Dr. Fox is the best. Thank you for all the help you provide with these videos. Thank you so so much.
You're very welcome!
Well..for years I knew something was t right with me..like I knew it..I just didnt know it had a name for it..thanks doc I'm gonna get some help💪
Same here think ive been wrongly diagnosed all my life .these videos have helped me so much actually understand myself for once and have ans3ers thank you
So crazy. I'm an old fat grandma and I road rage. Last night driving home I was stressing at how I thought I had been treated by my daughter. It came out of nowhere and one of these days I'm going to hurt myself or someone else. I've had bpd my whole life.
Doesn’t bpd get better with age?
@@sludget6206 possibly. For me there has been and continues to be much work to do. I am getting better...I hope, I think.
Some therapists refuse to treat BPD, because they feel it’s too hard to work with this issue. Cognitive behavioral therapy is used a lot nowadays to help many who don’t have BPD. It’s basically a set of therapy techniques-so like when you find yourself becoming triggered, your kind of do this self talk that helps you to calm yourself and release that anger. I have a couple of books to help myself and also I have them to help me educate myself when dealing with one of my grandchildren. He is especially difficult for me to get along with some times.
My main trigger is not being listened to when I’m talking. I hate it when I’m having a serious talk with someone or I ask them a question and they just ignore me or look me dead in the eyes and say nothing because they KNOW how I will react. I hate people.
That’s good insight and you should use it to develop adaptive strategies.
Thank you so much for this as always
I really appreciate your videos Dr Fox.
I used to allow myself to just go into a rage when people wouldn't act the way I wanted (think disobedient children for instance). I was fortunate that I didn't end up in the criminal courts; at one point I recognized that there wasn't any integrity in this type of behavior. That it was harming my kids and others, that I hated this behavior and myself for acting like that. It has taken therapy, and some medicine for other mental health issues besides these traits, but I am improving. I still get angry on occassion, but rarely do I rage. And even when I get angry, it's usually when my pride is hurt. I can deal with that much more constructively and effectively then I used to.
Wow. Inspiring. Good for you on having tbe insight to get help with things. Amazing job!
Unfortunately, most don't want accountability just want sympathy to play the victim. Notice this alot in vids like these.
It’s sad if u were physically or emotionally abusing, your kids, you should’ve went to jail. Hopefully you’re telling the truth in that you’re doing better and you’re not abusing people
Also when ur kids are older an they tell u what u did to them that hurt them don’t down play it
@j borrego well I talk frankly with my grandkids about my behavior with their parent, and how my behavior affected his behavior. I discuss with them how important it is that we not allow these types of behaviors to carry on from one generation to the other.
It's just exhausting. As I'm getting older, I just see certain people as Demons and so much injustice, I'm fighting back sheer destruction.
Thank you for this video I got diagnosed 6 years ago and I never really looked at why I get so angry I can go from 1 to 100 in a sec so I've subscribed so I can learn more about my mental health issues
Happy New Year Dr. Fox. Looking forward to all your 2019 videos.
Is it common for people with bpd to experience times of just feeling nothing? I’ve had this a few times and I feel nothing emotionally and it tends to bother others because they think im mad at them but I just have no interest in anything. It’s a difficult thing to feel, but it’s liberating because it’s a break from feeling everything all the time.
Sounds like dissociation, you may to explore this and learn some grounding techniques. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox Anhedonia more than dissociation
Me too I go through that to it like a vacation.
Yea it happens to me a lot.
I oscillate between this numbness and consuming rage 24/7 to the point of difficulty breathing sometimes.i
Thank you for your informative videos.
these are best insights thank you so much
I know someone with borderline that is always going into a rage, and it is difficult because things you would not think are a trigger, are for her.
Or slighted! 🤘 Anything triggers me, even standing in a queue triggers me, then when I let loose, I feel shame but sometimes when I don't fly I feel like I've been walked over 🙃
That's a difficult push/push pattern. Sounds like you've developed some good insight.
@@DrDanielFox What's push/push, i'll look it up.
Thank you very much for the great content. It came at the most opportune moment. I really wish you would make a video about bpd and dysfunctional families. Im struggling with my extended family and they are so difficult to deal with sometimes i am left reeling with shock
For me there is no frustration. I go right from ok to rage in nothing flat. It's like I'm totally somebody else. A lot of times I can't even remember how, what, when, where, or why.
That's so me and I have no idea what to do with it. So hopless
@@leilymarefi4164 it's so difficult. My doctor had me get a grounding item anything that means something to me and hold it my hands look at it handle it think about it until the trigger subsidies. Of course it takes practice and I have to admit I'm still practicing. Don't give up you can do this. There is a way. We just have to keep looking for it. Be kind to yourself :-):-):-)
Ive found that lately Ive been dealing with near exact issues as to what you're saying, and I plan on getting diagnosed soon, thank you.
You’re very welcome I’m glad that you found the video helpful.
My rage only ever gets out of control with narcissist people. My ex husband constantly pushed my buttons just like my mum did.
Oof I feel personally attacked, this stuff hit home, I rage out when I'm overwhelmed for sure, I get tunnel vision and have to dig my way out of the situation, my 'core' is isolation, loneliness and social anxiety, its really hard not to revert to that when I'm triggered
Extremely helpful - thank you so much 🙏🏻💯
I’m so glad that you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
Thank u for your research and experience into bpd I am a sufferer of this in treatment for few years learning to stop triggers before the happen, ie binge drinking! Will always trigger my bad behaviour so answer is don't drink. you have to do work alone or its pointless you have to sacrifice a lot of stuff that's difficult to let go but I am getting better slowly!
Thank you so much for your compassionate approach Dr. Fox. I’d love you to cover your thoughts, knowledge and experience with the following: If you watch the neutral face baby experiments, you’ll see that rage energy is an infantile Hail Mary before despair sets in. It is the super-human energy required for a very young baby to cry loudly and intensely enough to get a parent to attune again; and it’s also the energy we need for lifting a car off of a person. Rage feels and looks like anger, because most of us don’t express anger until we’re fueled by rage (adrenaline, cortisol, etc.). Anger without rage energy just looks like an expression of a very manageable and constructive emotion. BPD seems to be made up of a set of infantile defense and coping mechanisms, developed in response to events and relationships in early life. Early Trauma EMDR Protocol and IFS are helpful to heal preverbal trauma, and integrate the young parts of Self which heretofore have been undifferentiated (and have been triggered into terrified/rageful states, wreaking havoc on the sufferer).
I think you are onto something to consider, but I'm not the professional here...
I was at a party and everything was going fine I got pretty drunk and seen that everyone was trying to talk to my crush and she seemed so much more interested talking to them I started feeling insane amounts of anger I remember heavily having to breathe and I went around telling everyone to hit me as hard as they possibly could one of my friends dads just sat me down told me ya know something isn’t right and I just slept of the anger iv been feeling very strongly that I have bpd and gad for a while now dont rlly know what to do the only way I can vent or take my head of things is if I just watch videos like this explaining thing thank you very much
Wish I’d met with you when I still lived in the area years ago. But alas I am now in Colorado and am still benefiting from your information so much. Thank you for your contribution to society!
Thank you for your heartfelt comment. It means a lot to me to know that my content is benefiting you even though we couldn't meet in person. I'm grateful for your support!
Thank you for you encouraging videos. With a respectful and helpful attitude to both sufferers and victims. Could you provide a video on high functioning invisible BP please? cheers Dez
I feel empty like a nothing feeling...the smallest thing sets me off and I pace alot like disoriented and manipulation is a must I feel in order to protect myself and if someone slightly wrongs me I feel a sense of rage towards them and everything else, im vindictive towards those who wrong me, but the feeling doesn't last long
I feel an overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness after a rage typically um honestly just broke my streak of four months of no self harm I got into a huge fight involving my grandparents I sometimes can’t identify when it’s starting so I find it hard to walk away
I've experienced a number of external interventions, jail for one, medication for another. I felt so freaking lost. Dr. Fox has helped me make sense of so much. I wish I had found this 40 years ago
Happy New Year!
These videos have been so helpful for me and to help my boyfriend who I believe suffers from bpd. Could you possibly do a video on how to discuss with someone that they might have a personality disorder? How do you go about doing so without coming across as negative, and as loving instead.
Thank you!
Would it be more normal to leave him and find a more normal boyfriend?
Becoming a beaten wife is no fun, and love is supposed to feel good...
Doris Jean what do you mean by normal ? and she the comment stated nowhere that her boyfriend was abusive ?? seems like you’re stigmatising borderlines with your nasty narrow minded views or am I mistaken ?
Dealing with someone who could care less about your feelings and makes you feel as though you are wrong for showing any emotions other than happiness makes you feel crazy. Although, I've learned to temper my anger there are times when I rage. Yes, it is abandonment and feeling unheard especially by significant other. This is why I can't be around that energy for long because they are like a black hole. I have to recoup from it. It is exhausting to say the least.
Couldn't** care less
My observation is that I use rage not the get my loved one closer, but to frighten her and chase her away from me so I can feel shame and sadness and abandonment again. And again... I did a very good job last time baceuse she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And I totally understand her. It's the best way to love and protect her. If I'm not close, and can't hurt her. I love her so much that I keep myself away from her. Even if it hurts more than anything. But at least it's only hurting me.
It sounds like you're going through a tough time. It's important to recognize these patterns and work towards healthier ways of expressing your emotions.
MY mother and father are both raging, angry people. Raged at me for years. I went no contact with both of them. Especially after my mother smashed my 1yr. Old grandson's fingers in the door and stood there in her anger and blamed him because he was standing by the door right in front of her face. Will never happen again!
My rage comes out of knowere..I’m generally angry!! Rather impatient and irritable is this all signs of my rage dr??? My bpd pain has become so out of hand that the pain I felt was so severe I had to overdose...currently in mother and baby unit with son trying to see the ray of sun in this hell fire 🔥
Hi 👋
@@mount6zion hi
my triggers are abandonment, isolation, and feeling trapped or pushed into a corner. it causes me to destroy many relationships.
Thank you very much for the insight im very grateful
Thanks for detailed presentation
So nice of you
Thank you for your helpful video Dr. Fox. I am not officially diagnosed with BPD but I have some strong traits of this , according to a therapist I used to visit and I recognise them. I often experience rage and unreasonable anger but not when I feel abandoned. I can't stand feeling that important people to me don't appreciate me. Anger is also triggered (mainly I would say) when I feel tired and I dont have the chance to rest and noise / people also irritate me a lot. I can't stand being surrounded by noisy people and sometimes everyone and everything bothers me. I think that anger is caused mainly by sensory factors. I then often have anger outbreaks that I can't control. Are there any ways of managing this state? Thank you in advance!
I have bpd and love ya videos
As a man who is dignaosed with HFA and IED i can relate i have a history of physical aggression that im not proud of and sometimes after getting so enraged i often feel remorseful and suicidal like i don't deserve to live 😢😢😢😢
I wish I could get my wife to watch these videos.. she's in so much denial, it has pretty much destroyed our relationship through the years.
It’s certainly good and kind of you that you want your your spouse to watch these videos. Maybe encourage her to watch it together and not necessarily indirectly for her benefit but for you and for both of you.
@@DrDanielFox I want to, but shes already told me she does not want to hear anything more about BPD. We've reached the stage where she's now cheated on me and talking about divorce... It's a delicate situation. She's an alcoholic as well, so she's rather blame everything on that and believe everyone else is crazier than she is.... I just don't know...
I don't get angry about any of those things--- I get angry at incompetency or when others do something that they know will upset me and they do it on purpose. I do not fear abandonment. I do not like rejection but I am getting more and more comfortable with it. It happens to everyone. Money issues also get me angry. Insurance bills coming on Friday afternoon and you have to pay a great sum and you cannot talk to anyone over the weekend. Ughhhh.... then I am fuming. 😬😣🙄
Idfc abt what people think exept I am the type of person always trying to be alpha (I'm 16)
Wow well said
" when others do something they know will upset me " 😆😆😆😆
This is so borderline. Ever heard of managing your own emotions?
No one is responsible for your behavior but YOU.
I am finding your videos very helpful and hopeful for a loved one I have who I think has BPD. There is a lot of information and a variety of approaches and it's not always easy to discern where to go for help. Is there a way I can find someone in the Los Angeles area who shares your approach and techniques? How can I help my loved one connect and get diagnosed?
I have a video on how to find a therapist that may be helpful for you.
I had a 'friend" accuse me of stealing her belt after she gave me her clothes to wash. She lashed out at me. I told her I didn't open the bag when I got home after visiting her at the facility where she was getting physical therapy and her clothing wasn't locked in a closet. I said I don't have it. And she yelled violently at me. I don't know her very long but this accusatory behavior is not acceptable. So I decided to not communicate with her any longer.
Thank you for sharing your story, it's important for others to know that they're not alone in dealing with toxic people. Stay strong and surround yourself with positive friends!
I get so angry 😠 at times reflecting how I was bullied and ostracized as a child 25 years ago even though I’m partially responsible for why I was bullied. I am a 37 year old man on the autistic spectrum and live with my aged parents and have a younger brother who has cerebral palsy. I get so angry when I think about how unfair life is even though I in a way have it so much better than others because I have a nice home 🏡, a place to sleep 🛌, access to food 🥘 and water 💧, and plenty of other blessings such as a car 🚙. I definitely don’t want to jeopardize my freedom based on how I feel rejected 🙅♂️ by society. It isn’t worth going to prison over by taking my anger out on others. I am definitely going to work with my psychiatrist and therapist and get much needed help before I start to lose freedoms.
Well done for being strong .
I was raised very religious and didn’t feel like it was my right to get angry, but now it is always when I’m dealing with a close person who I care for and can see them leaving. Also, I was raised directly with three older brothers and one younger and im the only girl. My younger brother is an alcoholic but besides that I’m the only one who suffers mental disorders and depression and anxiety. Is that something that bpd are born to become or why do five kids in the same home come out with such different perspectives?
Not a professional here (I have studied Human Development and Psychology in college though) but I think it has to do with your personality, your temperament, and your wiring. People adapt differently to their environments as well, but there is no easy answer to this unless you talk to a professional.
What Rachel says plus your designated role in the family. Look up scapegoating in family systems or internal family systems therapy.
On god
Love this video! Thank you for your videos. I'm curious if you've noticed or know of a correlation between BPD and mood disorders?
Often comorbid, absolutely.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you for replying! I got diagnosed with F34, I cannot remember how to spell it but do know it's a mood disorder.
Thanks for the video I struggle with BPD rage
Thank you very much
Very helpful
Hi Dr Fox, my daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and has attempted suicide many times, has been trying to self mend refuses to go to physiologist . She has a 3 month cycle where we think she's gained control. Only happy when she has a boyfriend and work . However constantly blames my husband and I and her 3 sisters. Lost her license for the 2nd time and went into a rage accusing her older sister of judging her. Has disowned us once again as we have the problem not her. Xmas often triggers her. Your videos help but I get lost when to know to let go and comply with her demands off don't contact me, she writes the nastiest texts blaming everyone and never owning her illness or distruction she has caused over the years.
Caroline Bate stay strong hun x
My sister has bpd its hell for my family
I've counseling next week and I'm really scared.. I'll record it for my channel though to hopefully help others.. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I think it is Borderline personality disorder with extreme anxiety / rage.. I really hope it's not NPD.. My ego doesn't want that...
Roseanne's Reality . do not put stock in these labels. its CCPTSD MORE LIKELY. narcs never consider theyre narcs. yer safe there. ppl getting rich off victims of malignant narcs is my belief.
Doctor,
I have BPD, Clinical Depression, Bi-Polar II (although I’ve heard the terms of Depression & Bi-polar II have been merged), PTSD, something called dissociative disorder, and panic attack disorder. The government even has me listed with these disorders.
As you said, external sources don’t help except for running 3-4 escapes or distractions at one time. Counseling or going to a facility makes the anger worse. I snap at ppl for no reason, become cruel verbally, etc and always feel such shame after the outburst goes away.
I wish there was a Dr or therapist like yourself near me. I’ll try to apply these tips though. Thanks for the video.
I'm glad I found your video, as since the amber heard situation so many people in the bpd community are saying aggression and rage is not part of bpd