The Personality of Victims of Covert Narcissists & Gaslighting
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- čas přidán 7. 09. 2024
- If my videos resonate with you come join me live weekly on zoom: www.michelelee...
I've done a lot of videos on gaslighting and often times I focus on the gaslighter but I don't want to do that today - I'm focusing on what happens to YOUR personality as a result of the gaslighting. Because to me gaslighting especially by a covert narcissist is often like emotional carbon monoxide. You cant see it you cant smell it you can't detect it and yet it is slowly destroying you from the inside out. So first we're going to talk about 3 characteristics that make you susceptible to covert gaslighting then we'll talk about how your personality changes as a result of gaslighting and last some tips to help you to get back to you.
So lets dive in for those that don't know me my name is Michele I'm a trauma informed coach, a somatic experiencing practitioner and the founder of the School of Transformation where I meet live every week on zoom with survivors of narcissistic abuse childhood trauma and/or emotional trauma so if my videos resonate with you and you're looking for more interactive healing resources make sure you come check out our live weekly meetings.
So one characteristic that can make someone susceptible to gaslighting is when you put an over emphasis on the perspectives of others compared to your own. This comes from a lack of self trust a lack of feeling confident in your own perspective. Tied into that inability to trust self is an inability to validate from within. That's a characteristic that makes you susceptible to gaslighting and to covert narcissists. I just want to state that if you struggle with this it's not because you are less than others or that you're weak or that there's something wrong with you. Usually this is the result of either having a narcissistic parent or an emotionally immature parent and this is a consequence of being raised in an environment where you were not allowed to have your own voice, your own feeling. In other words people that are able to validate from within had good enough parenting or were mirrored properly and they were allowed to be themselves so I say this so you don't blame yourself this is what happened and sadly narcissists a lot of the tactics that they use the reason they are effective is because they look for people with unhealed childhood trauma. And so speaking about unhealed childhood trauma the second characteristic that makes someone susceptible to covert gaslighting and or covert narcissistic abuse - feeling responsible for the reactions or emotions of others. For example lets say someone else is upset or angry you automatically think that somehow its your fault and you have to do say or be anything to help that person to feel better as if it's your responsibility. This goes back to childhood trauma because this is actually the fawn trauma response. For ex if you're a child growing up with narcissistic parents or chaotic environment that doesn't feel safe right a child can't fight, can't run away and flee so often times a child will go into a fawn trauma response not that the child is choosing it's your nervous system choosing it - the fawn response is im going to stifle how I really feel or what I need and I'm going to show up and socially engage in a way that makes you happy to the caregivers because if you're happy then I'm safe and conncected. If we grew up in that environment then the fawn trauma response is hardwired into our personality and it's exactly what narcissists look for in their victims someone ready to override their own perceptions or needs for the needs of the narcissist. Again this is a trauma response and when you're doing it you're often doing it unconsciously.
So true that they hate to see others happy. They also keep tabs on your LIKES and DISLIKES. My Narc mother walked into the house once after being gone all day and instantly yelled at my father about a plant he put in the yard that she knew he cared about. My Dad was watching TV with me for hours relaxed on the couch and she exploded - " THAT PLANT YOU PUT IN THE YARD! ITS DEAD ALRIGHT! IT LOOKS LIKE SH%T! ITS DEAD!!! " Then she walked in her bedroom and slammed the door shut. We both sat there and thought WTF ???? Sadly, he took the bait and started over explaining.
I cook breakfast around 8 AM in the morning. I look after my mentally disable brother. My schedule is to cook at 8 AM, make sure he's fed before 9:30 AM and I cook extra food, cover the extra food, later around 3 PM I can pre-heat the food, feed him and save me 1 hour of time. He only eat two meals a day. If you over feed him he will puke and throw up. So I'm careful, I watch how much I feed him, what I feed him and when I feed him. He also has gout attack. My narc mom on the other hand she will only "cook" when I start cooking around 8 AM just to take up some or most of the stove cooking spots not only that she will talk about..how weak she is these days, how she wants to eat but she can't eat or whatever the bullshit,"I'm the victim talk". She knows that I like to keep all the food in the fridge organized for my brother. She always "misplace them" by "accident" thus triggers me to go mad when looking for the food.
I would like to explain the "root" of the problem by YOUTURD will just delete the comment.
@@SCH292- Sounds like you are being sabotaged because of jealousy of your success.
Solution: Replace half of her shampoo with Nare and let the fur fly. Place articles on Alopecia Areata around the house.
You’re welcome.😊
@@boxelder9167 She and I are in beef these days. Long story short. "As covert narc ages they adopt new and change tactic to make it worse for you". We all know what narc do. Lets say that..last month..Around mid June. I was THAT CLOSE of going,"Hulk angry! Hulk smash!" on two of my uncles because of Mom's lying. I really want to explain things here but Uturd will just delete my comment.
@@SCH292 - I am verrry familiar with the narcs and feel for your impossible situation. I had to go many states away from mine, changed my number, no forwarding address. Started over with the clothes on my back. Well worth the sacrifice. Just need to make sure that I don’t repeat the same cycle in another town with another person.
@@SCH292 Oh, and Uturd scrubs about 80 percent of mine.
This is so true!! Even with medical professionals, living with and seeing narcissistic professionals that made me feel like I was the problem; that I shouldn’t ask for help, one even smiled as I begged for help & said “ it’s ok” & refused social work, encouraging me not to seek psychiatric help or support. I still feel like I spent two years being mocked and ill, in some form of “the twilight zone”. I’m blessed and grateful for my current health care team. I miss my pup (he took him, during the break up & I was too ill to fight it), but I’m grateful to be away from his chaos and the confusion of that community. We are both healthcare professionals & I realized, too late, that he had flying monkeys everywhere. People I respected and held so dear to my heart, turned against me. The trauma is real & palpable. I stay in a sympathetic response. After almost 12 years together & close to three physically ill, my body and mind are fighting to catch up to each other, daily. The depression & seclusion has been rough. I miss my friends, but the fear of being hurt, not trusting my own gut, has me almost paralyzed & I even fear each doctor’s appointments or interaction with health care providers due to all of it.
9:18 " If I can just say it the right way - Can't tell you how many years I believed that. They convince you THEY don't UNDERSTAND yet are laughing at you inside because your expending so much effort to convince them, and at the same time showing them how much of a *caring* person with *integrity* you are. 2 things they lack or view as weakness
Another way to tell your with a narcissists is to see if they are not good at small talk but are never at a lose for words when there upset.
1. Talk like a jackhammer when angry.
2. Never give compliments on talents, abilities, skills.
3. Ignore you when your in a good mood but light up when your not.
4. Never say they are sorry
5. Black and white thinking. All or nothing mentality.
6. Vindictive Jealous personality.
7. Never answer a direct question~change subject.
I could go on but the list would be off the page...........
I can vouch for the jack hammer. Never thought of it that way. But they do talk with that cadence when angry.
@@TheHeavensAndEarth They tend to SPIT their words at people rather than say them. They have contempt for everything around them.
Hi Michele, I was the scapegoat in my family system from age 8 , my family life was happy until my family divorced. I had to move in with a loud narcissistic abusive alcoholic stepfather who terrified me at age 8 and made me his scapegoat. My dad tried to get custody of me 1974 but lost both times as she won custody as the mother before she moved in with this monster. The stepfather made my younger brother the golden child from age 6 and they made him change his name to my stepfathers to upset my father. My mum worked longer hours than the stepfather so alot was unnoticed. From age 8 I became very withdrawn and ran away from home alot. My mother stopped talking to me age 9 as it made my stepfather uncomfortable. Problem I'm having still now is that my mother & brother still treat me like the scapegoat blaming me even at age 8 all my fault and fast forward to the future, I had three sons, one I had age 18 who is close to my mother as she looked after him alot as a baby as I was young ( she divorced stepfather but still thinks he was great) ,my other two sons didn't as ten years between my first son. Anyway my brother and mother have now manipulated my eldest son not to allow me to see my grandaughter, she's 9. My sister in law cut my mum off two decades from her grandchildren, now all chummy..All narcissists. But now my grandaughter is poisoned against my dad , he's almost 90 and me ! By my mum and me by my brother. My brother was the golden child by the stepfather.
They are all still doing it !!! All narcissists. I don't know what to do to see my grandchild and my old dad is distressed that my mother is still doing this even to him 50 years later like she tried to poison his own kids ( me) against him which didn't work .I miss my grandchild so much we were very close and had loads of fun, beach, bike riding, reading, games, art etc etc now she sits on screens and is alone ( her dad single parent) . So sad. If it wasn't for my grandchild, I'd have no problem walking away from them all except my dad and other two sons of course.
Thanks for this. I did everything you said, but after learning about narcissists and being able to detect their negative energy, I’m getting the emotional education and skill to call out their bullshit as soon as it happens. When they realise their tricks don’t work, they will sheepishly back down, and then try again when they think your defences are down or when you have a bad day. Man, relentless beings I tell you, truly energy vampires.
The fawn response isn't an expression I haven't heard before but its definitely something I have had to deal with most of my life. Its always made me feel weak and vulnerable because I know that its obvious when it happens, and that there are people out there who will take advantage and also feed off it :(
I literally thought I wrote these words
The narcissist already knows your true reality, but they pretend they don't. This is so damn hard to spot in the present. If we could review present interactions as if we were looking back in retrospect it might help. But only if you know what their intentions are.
Gaslighting is the most insidious forms of psychological abuse and we need time and self love, self compassion and help and assistance to heal from it.
Life is too short for bad vibes
One of the best videos again by Michele on this topic. She is right when she says they are expert manipulators- ( years of practice over you) You might think your ignoring the abuse, but your subconscious mind will make you lash out on a weaker target after everything builds up in you from dealing with them..
Gaslighting has really screwed with my personality thanks for the upload on this topic Namaste!
This is the most concise synopsis ever. You are exceptional. Thanks. Love.
Many of us work in corporate environments which also by their very nature are narcissistic. It’s very damaging
Thank you for all of your videos. You have taught me so much. I had no idea what I was dealing with.
Ive changed so much and yes, I have changed for this person everything revolves around him. I'm trauma bonded and it hurts so much to be stuck in this situation. I'm sorry for everyone going though this.
I'm sorry you're also going through it. Sending LOVE💖💖💖
Sorry you are as well. Hang in there, Jennifer. You're worth it 🙏✨️.
This is so true in case of covert narcissism. My mother is a covert narcissist and my sibling is a narcissistic sociopath who does what you described and made me feel bad about everything that I used to do that I used to love a lot. Exercising sng, meditating, yoga, nutrition, health consciousness and drawing, painting, writing, reading books, etc. Now I love someone and I'm on the right path.
Story of my life😭🥵the only thing is finances to get help, narcs take you for everything then project on you . By the time you break away they have sucked the life out of you and everything else.
Thank you for focusing on how it affects us and tools/tips to use- you are amazing at getting to the point and not beating around the bush about it.
Parents and older sibling, all narcs, sibling is the worst w enabling parents. Lots of triggers and dealing through sadness
I’m back to me and me alone!😊
The best way to deal with a Gas Lighter aka lier & manipulator is to
Say
Oh
Ok
This person is
A
Gas lighter
Let me not take them serious
When there (speaking-lying)
Or walk away & end my
Relationship with this person
If the behavior is toxic of course...
I haven't made it even half way thru this video and it's already 10 ⭐! Fantastic work, research and your hitting the head on the proverbial nail! I finally get some clarity on why I am the way I am! Thank you so very much 😢!
I don’t have to feel like I caused someone’s distress in order to feel like I can and should fix it, thanks to my childhood
Thank you, it’s been years of learning about this disorder. It’s been so helpful.
Freedom 🌅🌻🧡
My husband and I were mentally and verbally abused by our evil narcissistic demon of an adult daughter, for years. It got so bad that the stress cause an emotional breakdown for my husband, One day he started crying uncontrollably with him gasping for air ( this is a guy that never cried because of his upbringing of men don't cry ) He was asking what he did wrong on raising her to be so evil then he collapsed and took his last breath 4 years and 7 months ago. She always had anger issues since she was a teen but we chopped it up as just being a teen and hormons since she seemed to be a very well rounded person overall. We noticed the changes in her as she got older and thought she was bipolar. But it was too late for us to get her help because she was over 18. She wouldn't amit that she has mental problems and get help. By the time I learned about narcissism, it was too late. The trauma damage was already done. In those horrible years of walking on eggshells she had us under her control because she was kicked out of her ex husband's home for stepping out on him and the trauma she caused. She ended back with us because she was homeless and 3 months pregnant with another's man child. So of course we took her in. She was lying from the start, telling us her marriage failed because he was abusing her physically. I know different now. We tried to help her, going through her pregnancy and the birth, then she couldn't handle being a mother. She wouldn't do what a mother should do and we ended up raising our grandson until he was 6 years old, She hunted down for a new supply because my husband became disabled and we couldn't give her a free ride anymore. She had to start paying her own way. That pissed her off and it really got bad. We ended up homeless with her stalking us and still messing with our heads. Then my husband died. She destroyed me beyond repair. I have been abandoned by everyone,... She made sure of that.. I went no contact but it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I can't have a relationship with my grandson. I can't function anymore. I'm the one that is at fault somehow. And you know what.. I'm starting to believe I must be. I'm just a failure and a lost cause.. I'm so tired of trying. I quit...
😢
I'm so sorry💔 Your husband is still trying to help you get through this... I hope you & your grandson are finding the peace you need to get through this... and I hope your daughter hits rock bottom & decides to get help soon.
10:23
This resonates with me. We would be heading to a family function. Car is quiet. All of my attempts to start a conversation get ignored or short answers. Get to the function… she comes to life talking about the same shit that I had tried to chat with her about. While I watch and distance myself confused af feeling hurt and just… alone in my thoughts.
I love your channel, anyway, cuz it makes me feel that someone understands! I’ve been surrounded by the damn flying monkeys, like you said, for too long. No one would ever believe that super awesome ex treats boring moody me like crap behind closed doors!
Keep up the great work!
Can you please make video about girls testing vs narcissists ? There are many issues about this topic todays. I think it can help some people open their eyes and see clearly what is going on.
Don't forget that if my videos resonate with you and your ready to DO the deep inner work to heal from narcissistic abuse, childhood and/or emotional trauma - come join me live on zoom: www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation
I don't want to repair or change my emotional scars anymore. I just try to be nice to everyone, because I know how horrible this junk truly feels like to receive. All my effort is placed there. Thank You Michele, your videos comforted me in some of my darkest moments.
"Carine Jean-Pierre"
Reconnecting with my friends I isolated myself from has been a God send.
Omg have been dealing with this my whole life from my earliest memories to present 63 years
It's very difficult to discern manipulative behaviour at the best of times because
1. It's not a natural thing to do, so we'd assume that by default people are honest and genuine.
2. It's inherently wrong, so again you would assume that these people would have a conscience and do the right thing, especially close trusted friends and family.
3. If it seems inconsistent with said person's other noticeable traits then it's harder to pick up on.
4. Motivations, what could they possibly be? If we could just have direct access to a person's motivations then we'd be cured and immune. I think it's probably one of the biggest causes of cognitive dissonance, but if we could at least know what motivations people could have for manipulating and abusing then it becomes a lots easier to know exactly who they are and their most subtle abuse tactics probably stand out a lot more and make more sense once you know.
In my honest opinion, if I could have missed out on an entire year at secondary school in exchange for learning this one lesson, I would undoubtedly be better off in every department.
My dad didn't care if i had a place to live when I was a baby he never admitted it to me my mom told me he treated me badly unt he died.
Certainly takes a tumble. 😮
I need your help !!!😢😢
My parents were wonderful people but my bad I fell for a covert nd ended making my life miserable nd losing my charm nd my best qualities..!!worst ppl to ever encounter..!!
What do you do if they are your parent's so can't get away ? Single parenting and they are my only childcare
Find other childcare. It's your life, find a way. Don't keep playing a victim, be Victories. I am confident in you
I enrolled into your program and have been unsuccessful with logging into your system. How can I move forward with my investment please?
PLEASE
CONSIDER
DISCONTINUING
THE OVERLY DRAMATIC
SOUND
EFFECTS
The sound you have inserted to start the next topic… 10:22
is really unsettling. Immediately gave me anxiety and then throughout the video I was just dreading and waiting for the next time the sound to come again it’s sort of like demonic ish. 😑
Can a narcissist become a hoarder
Abso
Save them brown beaver
Always hear you're paranoid, you're too sensitive, just imagining things or I never said that or you're just wearing your heart on your sleeves or I was only trying to help or you need to take your meds or you're just miserable or why are you always making accusations?.
Word for word correct.
Anything to place blame on anyone but themselves. They're entire life is consumed with placing blame because if they believe that they are wrong about anything it triggers shame and they self destruct.
If you believe they're harmful, why would you allow them to watch your children? Seek outside help.