Being an AUTISTIC mother: what's it like?
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- čas přidán 1. 08. 2019
- Being an autistic mother is hard, and not something that’s often discussed in the realm of parenting. In this video I talk about the difficulties I face, from sensory overload to difficulties socialising with other parents and the sheer exhaustion of keeping going.
Autistic motherhood is exhausting and isolating and especially when people think you have "high functioning autism", there can be a perception that you don't need any extra help or support.
If you're an autistic mother, please don't be afraid to get support if you need it.
If you liked this video check out my video on Autism symptoms in GIRLS: • Autism symptoms in GIRLS
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👭 Autism in women/girls playlist 👭: • Autism in women/girls
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I’m not a parent, but I remember babysitting for a friend one time years ago. They warned me over and over how hard it is to get the baby to go to sleep, so they wouldn’t be upset with me if the baby was still awake when they got home. They would understand if I struggled putting her to bed. When I arrived, they had the TV on, every light in the house on, etc, etc. As soon as they left, I turned off the tv and pretty much every light except for a few lamps. I feed the kid her bottle and then sat on the couch with her cradled in my arms. It was just me, her, and the hum of their aquarium. She fussed in my arms for about 10-15 mins wanting to get up, so I decided to try “falling asleep” myself. I closed my eyes and laid my head back. I opened my eyes after about a minute and she was staring at me. I giggled and closed my eyes again and did some deep breathing like I was sleeping. I opened my eyes again after a minute or two and she was fast asleep. Elapse time probably less than 30 mins. Autistic people certainly do have some good ideas when it comes to kids and thinking outside the box. Prior to that I had next to zero experience with kids or babies. The parents got home and couldn’t believe she was asleep nor my method to achieving it.
exactly! I also had a similar experience with a friend's 3 year old dughter! They were invited to our place, and we didn't really have toys. Also her parents thought it's enough to buy the kids fancy toys every month (the kids get a ridiuclous amount of gifts), and then they are fine. The older boy literally gets bored right after opening a new toy. My boyfriend decided to play with the boy (he was 7), and I saw the little girl picking up rocks from the floor and throwing them, scrubbing them against each other etc. And somehow my brain just popped the idea to get sharpies and draw faces to the different rocks. I'm not even a good drawer I just kinda copied cartoon face expressions. The bigger rocks were the rock parents, and smaller ones were the kids. Each had their own unique feauture like in the french cartoon the Smurfs. And I invented dumb little stories about the family where they went on a safari and watched the insects and flowers in the garden. The girl was so entertained because I engaged her in the stories and she had to impersonate some of the rocks. Her mom told me months later that she carried the rocks home and they live in the precious barbie home. :) We and their family are not particularly rich, but it seems like you don't have to be.
I’m recently diagnosed and I was a nanny for years ! Some things are so obvious to us it seems that other people are oblivious to and it frustrates me sometimes
Sounds like she may have had a sensory issue too!
Pretending to fall asleep and the deep breathing are Great Strategies. I've used them with both my kids and my husband lol. Subconsciously we match our breathing to those around us, so if we slow our breathing intentionally, their breathing will likely slow too, calming them down and making it easier to fall asleep. Exaggeratedly loud slow breathing is also good for kids in meltdown... until they realize what you are doing ;)
You mean not everyone reads scientific journals about every life decision?
This made me laugh out loud 😂 it’s me
How...how do they decide what to do then? 😳
....... ouch.
Right?!
The level of relatable in these comments is almost offensive 🥲
Mom of six (ages 14, 12, 7, 9, 4, & 1) and just got diagnosed. Here are somethings I've struggled with or noticed:
- Being focused on something like cooking dinner and suddenly realizing your child has been standing next to you for who knows how long talking to you about every aspect of Minecraft.
- Having two or three kids try to help you bake cookies all at once and making a huge mess. I'm a very clean cook.
- Having two or three of your kids all trying to snuggle with you and you suddenly can't breath.
- My one year old's high pitched shriek.
- Going to the park for playgroup and either just have a one on one with another mom or using my child as an excuse to not talk to any of the other moms.
- Dinner time when the kids aren't getting along.
- Church when your family seems to be the only one whose kids can't sit still, are upside down, fighting over your lap, asking to go to the drinking fountain for the eighth time, or fighting with each other.
- Needing to be alone so you can decompress so you don't have a meltdown and the kids know all your hiding places.
- Not being able to keep track of who needs to be where at what time, who needs something signed, remembering when which kids get out of school at what time, who still needs doctor or dentist appointments or flu shots, etc. I rely heavily on my Google calendar and alarms.
- Laundry.
- Realizing that you recognize that all your kids exhibit signs of autism (none diagnosed yet) and not wanting to change that for anything because they're so wonderful and special in their own way.
- Knowing what they struggle with and being able to help them cope because I've been there and I didn't have that kind of support growing up.
- Despite the fighting, they all love each other and get along really well most of the time.
- Having the same senses of humor and laughing a lot.
- Being intrinsically kind and knowing we can trust one another forever.
- Not wanting to trade autism for anything now that we know what makes us who we are.
This is just a tiny sample. =)
Good for you for doing your part to even out the autie/neurotypical population balance! I only have 3 kids but I like to think I'm doing my part too.
Thank you for ending positive. It's hard being an autistic mom. And I want another child. And now I'm thinking; why.. I won't be able to cope. But ive learned to cope with this one. So why not with a second one as well?
Beautiful comment
Ah, a fellow mom of many with a recent autism diagnosis! I have 7.
I love finding this. I'm mom of two, 5 and 2, have Autism and ADHD and I heated it when I traid talking about my struggles every one huched me down because motherhood is hard on everyone. I wasn't diagnosed het in that time
I was diagnosed at 34, and am now a single dad with 3 teens on the spectrum. You do learn to adapt as they grow, and it is long term adjustment. You are doing a great job and a great channel too.
Thank you for your kind words. I can't imagine the challenge of being a single parent to 3 kids, but sounds like you must be doing a great job too!
@@YoSamdySam You are not autistic.
@@masonnix9566
What makes you say that? (๑°⌓°๑)
@@hitsujikumasheepbear967
Because that's how Satan control us.
@@masonnix9566
I am sorry but I can't follow your thought process...
I wish I had known after my first kid that I had Autism and that's why parenting was so hard. I had 3 more children and things only got worse. I now have 4 kids with special needs, several with Autism and it's exhausting to say the least. I didn't get my diagnosis of Autism for myself until 2 of my children had been diagnosed. Our life is complete madness.. Life is really, really hard.
Sorry that life is so hard for you, hoping that things improve and that you find some order amongst the chaos. Do you have a support network?
Oh bless you, I know that's gotta be challenging! I actually decided not to have any children, because the thought of a crying baby made me feel like I absolutely could not cope with the noise! I think I would've been able to stand parenthood, if not for the first 2 years, & of course not having control of my own body when pregnant, & labor too. It took any joy from me, since I believe I may be on the spectrum as well. Knowing all this, I think you're incredibly strong for having 4, and even though its SO hard right now, I hope in the future that it's all worth it, & that things work out for you! It sounds like you need someone to help you, so you can get some much needed space, & time for yourself! I call that "silent & sane time", & I couldn't imagine not having it. If you can't cope right now, then you need some help with your kids, & that's NOTHING to be ashamed of! Heck, I couldn't even have ONE, much less 4...please let us know how you're doing now Mama❤❤❤
@@YoSamdySam You can't be a mother and be autistic.
@@masonnix9566 yes u can. 1) be autistic 2) have unprotected sex 3)Baby!
💚💚💚
I’m not diagnosed, over the years I’ve done a lot of back and forth wondering if I am autistic. Motherhood has really solidified the idea that I am. My daughter has always been very active and loud, so much so that I’m often burnt out mentally by noon (it used to be an hour, I’ve slowly worked myself up to four thanks to different tools).
It's the "Like minded people" part that is the most difficult thing to find. My son seems to be so misunderstood by his own family. I find it very similar to some of the old stigmas people with mental illness suffer through. "Why doesn't he just behave properly" and "Pull himself up by his bootstraps." He is an adult now and I tend to be his quiet island of sanity, but I can't be there all the time or forever, and I worry about him. It is such an uncompromising and ignorant world. Frustrated. The answers seem so simple. Listen to your child (or adult), ask them what they need, and then give it to them. Thanks for the insightful video.
@@HarrietFitzgerald580 How they are now? (If you do not mind sharing.)
This sounds so familiar. I had a horrid first pregnancy and was bounced around mental health services and none were able to help me, they actually made me a lot sicker. So much so that I wound up in the ER for psych help. Not a happy moment. Again was referred back to an old bpd diagnosis of mine.
In hindsight now, suspecting I'm on the spectrum, I can totally understand what happened to me during my first pregnancy. I just wish I would've known before or mental health professionals would've picked it up. I always wonder if I'd been a boy would I have been diagnosed as a child, but then had I known would I have had children? So it's pointless to wonder what if, but I sometimes do.
I completely relate to researching until literally the middle of the night and being utterly exhausted and confused about all the various articles. It's exhausting and tiresome. My brain needs and craves order and neat conclusions, but raising human beings is anything but! 😂
This video utterly blew my mind. My son is 5 but you could be me speaking from the time he was born. Everything .... EVERYTHING you are saying I can relate to. I was diagnosed with post natal depression which never sat quite right with me. It was more that I was hyperfocussed on him and the exhaustion triggered my meltdowns. I was prescribed SSRIs which I feel have helped me even out my emotions. I feel like I lost some of the creative part of myself by taking them though. I think that one of the most positive things for me is that .y son and I have heaps of fun one on one. I love nature and craft and colouring and talking about science and dinosaurs etc and so does he. Playdates and socialising can still be overwhelming and exhausting for me though. I'm pretty sure that I am autistic but I'm currently researching psychs to be diagnosed correctly. Thanks so much for your videos.
This
Start saving money for the test now. I was just informed it's not covered by my insurance and its $2500 out of pocket where I live in oregon.
This has helped me relax about the idea of becoming a mother. I’m autistic and I used to be so scared because my autism and sensory issues but I have always wanted to be a mum.
I have autism and I've been threatened to have my baby taken away if I have one. It's terrifying. I've always wanted to have a baby.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you have local advocacy groups that can help you with this?
@@YoSamdySam No not at all. They would be advising me against this. Or to give the baby up if I get pregnant. All I can do is move in with my family and abandon the state system and rely on my family to protect me and the child. Its serious. In Oregon they think if you're born with mental illness you cannot have a child or the child will inherit those traits. Or you won't be responsible enough to handle a baby.
How are you doing?? That is horrible. They have no right to do such a thing. :(
@@IHazMunchies91 That's messed up. autism is not a mental illness and you have every right to have a baby and keep that baby.
@@IHazMunchies91 - Are you married? The best solution would be to have an HFA partner who makes enough to keep you off state assistance. That gives the state much less leverage over you - you don't have to let them into your home without a warrant, etc.
Ahhhh yeah this is what scares me about the idea of ever possibly becoming a mom
There are good parts too, promise! 😂
I have 2 children and I believe as an autistic mother you need different resources than neurotypical women. Going to playgroups, baby swimming groups and so on would not habe helped me a bit. Instead I needed to create a strict scedule for me and my children. I started to research everything about Babys and had to discover what worked for my children.
I'm the same way. This video definitely reinforced my decision not to have children. I have enough difficulty at home with my cats. 🙃
I wish for my future offspring opportunities that today here in the US are hard to obtain(We don't even have any autism protections like provided by NHS over there in UK Plus you also have to worry about a huge hospital bill, work drama involving insurance in which alot of women go on federal disability here). I promise myself that our children will be able to come to both my partner and I so they will never get involved in any affairs that cause themselves and others harm, A promise to love unconditionally and protect them from conception till they are ready to fly on their own. Not afraid to change diapers at all(me anyway). I think the reason for more known traits to show up more during pregnancy is the physiological will to protect not just yourself but your unborn baby.
@@Yakarash What I can concur is the amount adrenaline women have seems to be more than autistic men and higher testosterone levels(wayyy minor in allistic women) is what seems to to drive alot of territorial encounters post puberty(was not a shocker to hear it could happen too during pregnancy since I am 27 and not had this encounter yet). I am actually viewing this so I can plan accordingly myself(research hun is our style Sam.WE ARE THE FUTURE. ) Survival of the Fittest ladies and Gents!
This video couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m 34, son just turned 2. I have my autism & adhd evaluation next month. Becoming a SAHM and experiencing constant changes and sensory overload, I didn’t know why I couldn’t “function” like other parents. Thank you for your work and videos. It’s been so validating. ❤️
Thank you so so much for sharing. There is such little info on women with babies and neurodiversity. I want to have kids one day (28 now) but I’m terrified of how I would/wouldn’t cope! Especially when life is already much for of a struggle than ‘normal’ people. Thanks again!! So inspirational and honest 💕
After a trusted friend set me down the road of researching Autism in Women, I am now on the waiting list for ASD assessment. This video has added more evidence for me that I am. I have an almost 3 year old, and a 1 year old, and you have just described my experience. Not being able to keep my strategies and mechanisms for coping going because I am utterly overloaded by sound, and for me - touch. Thank you. I am saving your video to revise before my assessment. Xxx
I hope you get the answers you need!
Your child becomes your special interest... this phrase gives me so much hope, because our special interests are what makes us feel more alive. They don't feel like work, they feel like joy.
The earplug thing is a lifesaver! I always felt so guilty for using them so I allowed that to keep me from doing so much of the time but I found when I did I could actually address the problem rather than freeze in panic, or become frantic. It's like that screaming completely paralyzed me and still when it's been too noisy (they're toddlers), I find that my energy is just gone. It feels like every nerve on my body has been frayed and I'm inside out and I just can't move or respond anymore. I try so hard to be a good mom too.
As an autistic family, we definitely do things differently from many allistic families, and there's no shame whatsoever in that. You're absolutely right that as autistic parents, we don't have to do everything that other parents do, and since our kids are more likely to be autistic (compared to allistic parents) it's often best to give our kids more downtime than more standard kids anyway.
Definitely true!
I had a total meltdown phase after giving birth to my first child. I felt like I had been shattered to pieces and forced to circle around another planet, when I had been in my own galaxy all my life.
And all the coping mechanisms didn't work anymore. Breast feeding was a nightmare, since every touch there is always uncomfortable for me. I stopped it after a few weeks.
But I had no problems bonding with both my children and I love them so, so much.
The advantage showed itself when my firstborn was diagnosed with Asperger's, because I am her best advocate, know how to handle her most of the time and can explain her behaviour to teachers and the like. And she already had a very structured home with little chances of sensory overload. In this regard, my own autism is a blessing for her.
This is what happened to me. Parenting led me on the path to burnout and then discovery ♡ grateful for you and this video especially 🙏
At 44, with 2 small kids, ages 6 and 3, I just now realized I’m on spectrum.
This video literally just hit every single little check mark of everything I’ve been experiencing and didn’t know what to make of it this whole time.
Thank you for this!
Ohhh what helps me with support is my Facebook mom groups. Not all mom groups are created equal but I have found some amazing groups.
This is so relatable. I would love a video on autistic burnout and its relation to depression. I can't tell the difference. (in myself)
It's on my list!
Thank you for your videos ! I have never wanted kids, and your video so concisely lists the reasons why. Its is so nice to have found this community of people who just get it.
I burst into tears at "I'm not selfish because I need more time to recharge".
Thank you so much for this video. I spent 35 years thinking I was NT. It wasn't until I was pregnant that I finally started to twig that there might be something going on with me. I initially requested an ADHD assessment but 2 years later I'm now on a waiting list for an ASD assessment and my gosh your description of parenting resonates with me SO MUCH! I adore my daughter and am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity and privilege to be her mother, but I'm going to ask the Dr about getting my tubes tied as the thought of having another child utterly terrifies me. I thought I was suffering from depression but it's maybe just burnout.
I loved it! I felt so validated...thank you! I got to the same point: I don't have to ve like other moms. I can be a good mom to my kids just the way I am. Also you made me laugh. ✌️❤️ Please make more vids about autistic motherhood.
It takes a village, yes!! Where is our village?! I was followed by social workers during and after my first pregnancy and they kept talking about a local service where a volunteer comes over once a week for a few hours and helps out, I tried to explain time and time again that I wouldn't be able to cope with all that. Of course I'm undiagnosed and had never even researched autism at the time so didn't think I was on the spectrum. Needless to say no one understood me. I just struggle with socializing. I have a neighbour which I see sometimes, but when her kids and mine are around, I really struggle. I can't relax. I feel super vigilant and anxious and can't keep up with the noise and chatter, etc. Ideally play dates, the few we've had, occur with my husband around, so either he can check the kids or I can leave my son at home and just go over with my daughter. Way back women were home, everyone was home, mothers, grandmothers. Our parents are still working, we're working, etc.
We need a neurodivergent commune!
Yo Samdy Sam name the place!
I can relate so much! Even the weekly visits from the midwife who did the aftercare was stressing my out so much! I never understood how some women decide to stay in hospital for a few days after birth. Sharing a room with a three other mothers and their crying babys sounds like a setup for a meltdown for me.
@@Yakarash I don't get meltdowns, but I do feel a great sense of intense sadness when hearing a child in distress(Any living creature actually, even puppies/fully grown canines make this high pitch whistle call that even sounds like crying). I become sad for the child mostly and tend to wonder why they are upset and just the will and hope for their internal pain to be eased. It's something that I have always had and some think I'm a bit soft for this(same people whom think a crying child is irritating. For me I tell myself a kid doesn't cry for no reason and it actually might be something we never suspect.)My baby sister actually ended up in the hospital 4 wks after she was born and it was found she had malrotation of the bowel(her intestestines were on the wrong side of her little body for anyone who doesn't understand medical lingo). My mom's intuition to take her strait to the hospital after a diaper change saved her life. It's something that sticks with me to this day and maybe that is the logic behind this reaction.
I'm just happy when I can avoid getting pushed into their village.
I’m new to your chanel, and after 3 episodes I LOVE YOU AND THE HELP YOU’RE GIVING
us 💗
This resonated with me. My son is 5 now, but I remember letting his Grammy take him for a few days after a month or two. I NEEDED those days to recharge as a human. Pretty much all of the moms in my social circle all talked about how they had a hard time letting their baby go for an over-night stay and I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. Now I realize that I just needed more recharge time because I am neuro-divergent.
My hyper focusing eventually led to homeschooling, which led to extreme burnout with CFS and autoimmune disorders. I wish I knew then what I know now. Thank you for talking about this.
Masking is extremely hard when you’re trying to keep up with a child too. If I’m just with adults, I’m fine, but if I’m also taking care of my little one (2 yo) it’s like my brain completely forgets how to mask. I keep monologuing about my child and completely forget how to have a give and take convo. I’d love to hear more on this if you have any helpful advice one how mask during like a play date type of setting!
It’s not the same, but I do this with my dog. It’s like a special interest x10. I found a few honest comments at the beginning of socializing and equating the baby/child/pet with a special interest to hold back on. Idk.
I have an 8 month old and I feel like I have to talk to him a lot to teach him about everything and it’s difficult cuz I’m usually a very mute person
OMG! You just reached into my inner psyche and articulated every frustrating and confusing thought I’ve ever had as a Mother. Well done! I am currently binging on your channel. Amazing stuff! I’m not diagnosed, but after my neice’s diagnosis last year it’s caused myself and my brother to re-evaluates ourselves. I’m certain that we are both on the spectrum. Your page has been so validating. Thank you so much!
I'm 19, not a parent, and I already have a special interest in all things child development. I can imagine how this could be both a good and bad thing for someone who actually has children.
This made me cry. I’m a mum to an autistic little boy and only had the diagnosis through learning about him. It’s so hard. I’d love to speak more as I think you’d understand and I don’t have community around me who understand. Keep going xx
There are some Facebook groups for autistic mums that are really good if you're interested.
@@YoSamdySam i'm interested, which ones?
This video is so good and so important. So glad to have found your channel.
Thank you! And I have now just discovered you too 😃
Thank you for sharing your story! I was diagnosed after the birth of our second born. Motherhood was a ginormous shock and I connect with so many of your points. I was blessed that I am a primary school teacher and that I’m not having to research as my knowledge is there but I understand what your brain is doing 🤓 thank you!
I’m so glad you’ve made this video! Because I was diagnosed with autism when my second son was 1 and I’ve been trying to find a video about mothers who have autism and there have not been that many. Your experience is exactly the same as mine and you did such a lovely job explaining it!! Good work!!😊
I feel a deep connection with you. I lived almost the same experience parenting. Have 2 year old now and what you share here means a world to me. Thank you!!
This video of yours has opened my eyes soooo much. I did this. I even said the words to my friends when my baby was born “Erin is gone, I’m only mummy now” and I hyper focused on my baby for 3 years and then burnt out and had a total breakdown. I over research everything about raising my kid. Still do years later. I also suffered so much sensory overload. I coped by listening to HP audio books over and over and over through all the screaming and not sleeping.
I’ve been watching your videos and feeling so very emotional. I think I must be on the spectrum and have never known. Your lists and descriptions have been so much. I’ve never felt understood like this. 💚 thank you for talking about this.
This was SO PERFECTLY said. The thing I struggle with the most is that I also grew up in an abusive home where yelling/arguing was (and still is) an every day acceptable (for my parents only of course) form of communication.
The loudness and fighting and poopy underwear or messes is so triggering. I know all of the coping skills but I often find myself so quickly overwhelmed. Patience is what I’m lacking but how do I gain it when it seems to be the hardest thing for me to gain in this aspect?
Thank you for this video! I am an autistic soon-to-be mum and I have been thinking a lot about how being autistic will impact my parenting. It was really interesting and reassuring to to hear your take on it all. I know all autistic people are different but it is nice to hear from someone who has been in that position as I don't really know many autistic parents.
Being a primary parent myself I can relate with many things you report in this video. Less in having to deal with sensory issues as I had to deal with much worse being man.. it is true that all the focus has been on my child and forgot to look after myself. Not mentioning how difficult when the other parent is challenging and most likely a repressed ADHD, to say the least.
If your child is autistic, be ready for a whole host of issues to deal with. Yes, toddler years are easy!
Thank you for talking about this. 💕
Love love love this video Sam! Amplified things for sure.
I’m a 44-year-old mother of two (now aged 11 and 8) and this definitely resonated with me! I identified with almost everything you said. I have not been diagnosed with autism and have never seriously considered it before. This is the first video of yours that I have watched but I will be watching more. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this video 💖 I'm an undiagnosed autistic mom who adopted two children aged 3 and 5 a year ago. Everything you mention in this video is true for me too. I had had those thoughts that autism makes things harder for me. After watching the video I know it does. Still, it's hard to hear from neurotypical, biological parents, that every parent has it difficult and I should deal with it. Personally, I wouldn't recommend adoption and parenting to autistic women. As you said, we probably give our children more of what they exactly need and it's gonna be very helpful for their development and future. Unfortunately the cost of our everyday strive in our lives and minds is too high in my opinion. Maybe it's different with one child. Having two is crazy
Thank you for posting this content!! I can relate to sooo much of what you say especially having parenting as a special interest. I used to say that parenting was a hobby of mine. Now that my child has been diagnosed and i have found out so much about autism, I can finally understand why I am the way I am.
My daughter is almost 27 now and we are very open to eachother. She suffered from me being a overbearing worried mum all the time. It suffocated her, my need to control everything. Her teen years were very difficult for us both. I had to let her explore the world but i was terrified that something would happen to her. I was and still am a single mum, that didn't help either. So try not to be the perfect mum, it's a mission impossible. Try to let go and let them make their own mistakes to learn from. I'm glad there is a daddy around for you and your Son to support you both. You can do it!
I'm so happy to have found your video! I am 34 years old and I was diagnosed with autism when I was 31 years old. I am currently three months pregnant as well. Strangely today I was having such an emotional day thinking about being a mother with autism and I'm so thankful that your video is here and I'd love to connect with you I relate to so much of what you say.
Just a suggestion: make sure you get plenty of fats and omega 3 fats in particular in your 3rd trimester and while breastfeeding. These days the recommended diet doesn't include enough fats and especially omega 3s, and if you're not getting it in your diet, your body will take it out of your brain to put it into baby's brain. If you get enough for both of you, you can avoid the "baby blues" that most moms these days get. This has worked 3 times for my wife with our 3 kids.
As someone with a childhood diagnosis I have had nasty phobia of pregnancy since I was a teenager. Realizing that autism is genetic just makes the phobia worse. I might adopt one day if this issue doesn't break up my partner and I first. He doesn't get the fact that me having autism and him having ADHD is a horrible combination for having children. Knowingly bringing a life into this world that is so unfriendly to autistic people is cruel. I would feel so much shame from passing it on i couldn't live with myself. I hate feeling this way but it is what it is. Getting diagnosed afterward is really hard but can be a blessing in the sense of not knowing and the fear I hate so much.
My partner has ADHD so I don't think it's a horrible combination at all. We definitely have specific struggles, but self awareness and willingness to take the measures you need to stay sane is the most important thing. Rather than being scared of having an autistic child (I might do, not sure yet) I am working to make the world a better place for autistic people.
Adopting is always a great idea, but you might find that you are the perfect person to understand and raise a neurodiverse kid.
@@YoSamdySam I have considered adopting a neurodiverse child to give them a better chance of understanding rather than creating further struggles and feed an already feed a severe phobia. I swear majoring in genetics has given me some weird ideas as well though that I am trying to work through.
If I hadn't has a kid with AS, I wouldn't have [finally] been diagnosed myself in middle age. I'm so GLAD they have AS as it's the 1st time I've found someone I really understand! Sure the actual birth & baby bit is vile; just had to mask my horror & plough on, but once they become intelligent - I would NOT want to be without my AS kids now!!
I loved this video so much! I resonated with every word. I absolutely agonised over making decisions when it came to my girls. The cloth nappies and breastfeeding. All of it! Thanks for making and sharing your videos. I’m newly diagnosed (AuDHD) and it’s so refreshing to watch a kindred spirit with similar values navigate a similar journey that I’ve found myself travelling. Thank you 😊
Yes!!! My special interest is word for word what you described! I'm doing it right now haha. My downtime is research to make sure there is "no way he gets left behind"
Thank you so much for this video. It feels like, if I was not unbearably uncomfortable with being filmed or photographed, I could have made all these exact comments on my CZcams channel in an alternate universe. I feel so seen. I was diagnosed 4 months ago and I did ALL THESE THINGS when my son was a baby. I have been doing a deep dive into my experiences (as we stereotypically do after receiving the diagnosis) and I hadn't even recognised some of my actions in early parenthood were because I'm autistic. My son is now 3.33 and I've managed to research less and go with my gut more. I've managed to take my downtime and feel less guilty for it. I'm working up the courage to make my needs as an autistic mother clear to my parents and in-laws, who I'm very blessed to have be significantly involved in my son's life as our 'village'. I am absolutely bingeing your autism playlist and its just SO. GOOD. for my soul
This was a great watch. I have always felt inadequate as a human, a female and an adult. But becoming a parent is so much responsibility. And as much as I love my daughter, being a mum is very hard. I kept feeling as though I was doing things wrong. I have learned so much over the 12 years. And with Skye being autistic too she teaches me so much on a daily basis. And I am definitely not a conventional mum or person for that matter. But it has been difficult. And now with her going through a lot of hormonal changes it is getting quite challenging in other ways. But it's great to know it's not only me who feels like this.
Me realizing that the reason I stumbled upon this video is because I have a special interest in parenting(fear of being like my parents, want to be the best) and am diagnosed.
Oh gosh, I'm so glad I finally watched this video. It's been in my watch later list for weeks. I had no idea how much this would resonate with me. I'm also an autistic stay-at-home mum. I found out when my non-autistic, extroverted kiddo was two (she's nearly five now), and I've been struggling between accepting that I parent differently and feeling guilty for not providing her with more social stimulation, especially after confinement. This video has helped immensely. I'm still slowly building my "village", and it's hard, but I know we need it. I also know that despite being quite extroverted, my kid does have auditory processing issues and possibly (she's too young to test yet) ADHD. I really wish there were more resources for neurodiverse parents, and I've actually thought of using my own special interest in child development to build a website with tips or something, but I don't even know where to start.
So glad someone finally said this. As an AS mum I related to that so much. Anyone know of any AS parenting online or UK group out there? It would be great if there was a community to reach out to, even a facebook page or something 💛
I resonate with everything you've said. I've only very recently discovered my autism, in part because just like you all my coping mechanisms disappeared when I had my daughter and executive function got so bad, and in part because I think my daughter is autistic. I'm now hyper-focused on learning about autism so I can help my daughter (who has just started school)
Out of interest, did you want to become a parent, or did you just fall into it? Personally I don't understand how and why the majority of people end up having kids at some stage. It's an enormous demand, takes years of sleepless night and nappy changes to reap the benefits (and that's dependent upon you raising them well), mentally requires one to think of all the boring things like learning the alphabet, how to eat etc, and massively restricts your free time. Personally, I cannot foresee much chance of me falling into parenthood. Anyway all the best with it. p.s. if I sound a bit blunt and unfriendly, remember, this is coming from someone with aspergers.
Perhaps because at the time of having children one didn't yet know they were on the spectrum and were still [desperately] trying to follow what appeared to be "normal", i.e. get married and have kids.
I know this comment is old but I just wanted to share my situation. For me it was easy- undiagnosed, super good at masking, did well academically (except for math and P.E.- who fails P.E.?) and finally, expectations (whether real or perceived). I thought I was supposed to get married and become a mother. Sounds silly but I honestly didn’t know I didn’t have any other choice.This is also the danger of being missed in childhood- ASD kids can potentially fall into people pleasing. Which is exactly what happened to me. Until 3 kids later I woke up one morning after months of burnout and realized this is not the life the real me chose for myself, this is the outcome of being undiagnosed and not knowing myself. Needless to say, had I know about me potentially being on the spectrum (waiting for the evaluation), I would’ve made different choices in life. Having said that, I have what I have so I am going to roll my sleeves up and do the motherhood thing to the best of my ability or die trying (and truthfully that doesn’t sound that bad either as my perspective of death is it must feel like rest).
@@nessh I hear you. I see you. I am you (from a father's POV).
@@ElkoBarbell Thank you :)
@@nessh I completely agree again. Death must feel like rest.
Never have I related to anything more. My son is 2 and I am currently in the diagnosis process. I feel like you’re speaking my entire experience of motherhood
You are absolutely true,I tend to over due things and keep doing research’s and now I know many many things and is not benefiting me in my time with kids I need to spend more time with them this is amazing coming from you and am too a mom
i'm totally planning to use this line: "what can i do, to make this easier for us all, right now?" Thank you.
A really insightful and neccessary video. Thank you. I think you are awesome SamdySam. You are doing so well just trying.
I am 39 and am currently pursuing a diagnosis because I identify with too many traits. I am a mother of one diagnosed HFA child, with two more headed for evaluations in the near future. I hadn't been as aware of my quirks until I started to raise children with special issues. I am grateful to be a mom because of the awareness it raised in me.
This is a great video! I can’t wait to be a mom one day but it’s good to be aware of how my autism might impact my experience. It’s comforting to know that there are ways to cope :)
I'm autistic and I have a 7, 4, and 2 year old. Two weeks ago I gave birth to my 4th so we've added a newborn to the mix as well. I love motherhood but it feels so isolating because I know no other autistic mothers. Motherhood is hard on everyone, but I feel misunderstood by my "mom friends" because they just don't understand the sensory burnout or my auditory processing disorder. Really excited to subscribe to your channel!
I think I have autism and ADHD like you and as a single mum i so relate to being exhausted all the time. Now i think my 4yo daughter has ADHD (and who knows about autism) she is so intense all the time. It's nice to hear of your experiences, i can relate to many of them
as a uni student on the spectrum, i wanna have kids and i worry that my kids will end up being on spectrum too. this scares me a lot because i feel like people don't like me for my "weirdness" and i don't my kids to suffer from that either. this video really helps with perspective! I love your channel, Samdy Sam!
Wow, this just resonated with me so much. Thanks, Sam!
Wow Sam, I have been saying recently maybe it was all the extra sensory stimulation when my son was born that led to my diagnosis of postpartum depression. What if it was all sensory based? Because all my coping strategies went out the window. I like the house quiet, I don't like to be touched too much, I don't like icky things ( they make me upset). And my son was loud, a fussy sleeper and of course had regular diapers. I was sooo sleep deprived and over stimulated I was a mess. Loving your videos.
Even though I'm not a parent... Yet. You really talked openly and alot of the things that you talked about are things at make me worry. You know the sensory side was something I never considered about having a kid... But god they are messing little humans 😂
I'm definitely better in an one to one setting also as I find groups abit intimidating. But I know that's something I'll have to overcome...
But this video I thought was really good & I must say it helped ease some of the anxieties I have about parenthood.
Definitely think burnout is something you should cover for sure as yes it is similar to "normal" burnout but I'd want to hear your experiences as you explain things really well.
I hope I haven't put anyone off - that wasn't my intention!! What I didn't mention in the video is that I think I am more suited to older children/teenagers, I have worked with 7-17 year olds and really enjoy it, so I think I'm personally just better at dealing with that age. Some people love the baby years though!
They could become your best friends! [in a not-soppy or inappropriate way]- Obviously the whole birth / baby years is yeek [didn't know I had AS. Did have a plethora of nightmare health workers tho'; would've been better with a diagnosis] So are the majority of loud gossipy other parents - try dodge them before they zone in on you - but once the kids are past 5 or 6 it's great! Especially when they learn to tidy up 😁
I'm still undiagnosed, and in the u.s. it unlikely I ever will, but I relate so hard. My kids are older now, and unfortunately I can't say it gets easier. I have, on the verge of a meltdown, told my children that so wanted to pierce my own eardrums and go deaf so that they couldn't hurt me anymore. That's not my proudest moment. Elimination communication didn't work for my children, because they struggle with interoception. I did try, believe me I did.
This is my biggest fear in life, becoming a mother. I made up my mind a long time ago that I don’t want any baby. I didn’t know that I was autistic, I thought I was just a terrible person for not wanting a family life.
Totally resonated with me! It’s hard navigating parenting and you share exactly my same thoughts that I’ve had but I just thought perhaps I was less maternal or something. Oh how could have used this three years ago when it first came out. But regardless, I needed to hear that I’m not alone and that it is ok to parent the way I do. Best wishes!
I am not diagnosed at all, but what you describe is exactly (apart from being a dad) the kind of issues i have to face as a dad of two and has me wondering whether i should seek a diagnose. Thank you for charing your insights!
This is very relatable. Thank you for your videos they are helping me a lot
Thank you so much for this video, my daughter is 16mo and I'm just recently having suspicions that I might be on the spectrum. I kept trying to find reasons why I feel so overwhelmed and I couldn't find any resources about autistic parents, only about parents of autistic children. Your video hits so close to home on many aspects that I have been living lately, it made me feel a lot less alone. Thanks again
I'm so grateful to Doctor Isibor Alternative Herbal supplement which has totally improve my Autistic son with speech delay, these supplement works very well in just 3 weeks
Glad to have found your channel. I was diagnosed at 39 yrs AFTER my 2 sons were diagnosed ASD & ADHD.
I struggle as my youngest is sensory seeking and needs lots of hugs. Snuggles. Cuddles and never stops talking. He really exhausts me. Its like I have a giant limpet with verbal Diarrhoea permanently attached to me.
Both my boys were still double incontinent at 8 yrs old and I had been wrongly diagnosed with depression and on a massive dose of meds wondering why I felt on the edge of a breakdown every day.
My oldest didnt speak until he was 7. I hyperfocused on watching Mr Tumble with the kids every day and we all learned Makaton sign language together.
My oldest is now in a special autism school and is thriving. My fight to place my youngest is ongoing.
I dont work. I dont think i could. I am so exhausted just sorting my kids out. While they are at school, im chasing up CAMHS or dentist appointments. Filling in disability forms for them. Going to EHCP meetings.
Sometimes Im so exhausted I cant finish a sentence and just cry.
I am not functional enough to have a support network. It would be more anxiety.
So I am glad i found this channel
I'm not professionally diagnosed yet, but I'm definitely simmering in a "self diagnosis imposter syndrome" space.
This video made me cry, in a good way. In a "holy shit that's why I deep dive into [fill in the blank stage of parenting]." I also had post partum depression and anxiety really horribly, and it got better, but never really went away.. I can't ever feel like I relate to other moms the way I'd like to.. I have pathetically few friends but also no capacity to make friends, knowing I need deep connections with people... Thanks so much for posting this and I'm glad I got to discover it well after the fact!
Your story is so much my own thank you for sharing your life with us
Thank you for sharing. I can really relate to what you were saying. I am a mom of three, self diagnosed and awaiting assessment. My oldest is nine, I have a seven-year-old and a five year old. And there is so much about being a mom that I found overwhelming and magnified the symptoms that I struggle with. I’m just now realizing that I need to make some changes so that it helps me out more.
I'm so grateful to Doctor Isibor Alternative Herbal supplement which has totally improve my Autistic son with speech delay, these supplement works very well in just 3 weeks
Nice thoughts verbalised. Nice advice verbalised for us to digest, thank you SamdySam.
This made me giggle! My hyperfocus/special interest in my daughter led to me finding out I was autistic (after she was diagnosed)!!
This has me thinking... oh my x
My 5 year old son recently got diagnosed with autism and I think looking back at my own childhood and now masking a lot at 30 I have autism too. This video really hit home, it’s been real tough at times parenting and being always “on”.
I only just discovered your channel and so I am late in joining this discussion. But thank you for posting this. I am not a mother, obviously, but my wife and I have three adopted children, aged 9 months, 2 years, and 18 years old. The 18-year-old was one of my students before we adopted him, so we have gotten all of our kids in the last two years. I am not officially diagnosed, but we have started to realize in the past few months that I am probably autistic. Before I realized that, I struggled with some of the parenting things you described - sounds, smells, needing the precise answer for every parenting situation - and I worried that I simply was not cut out to be a parent and that I would never be able to be a good father because of that.
While I'm not married and do not have kids, I could relate to a lot of what you said, and it followed the timeline of when I started grad school (switching from a structured course-based curriculum to a less-structured research environment), and I actually got diagnosed with autism in my 2nd year of grad school. Thanks for this video, as it helped me feel more validated in my own experience :)
Thanks for the great video!
Amazing video and so true. There is so much info on how to be a nt to a dt/asd child . Hardly anything on being one and being parent. 😉 so excited I found another female mum on the spectrum that's gets it
I just came across this video and it’s so relevant to me right now. I’m a self diagnosed mum on the spectrum, my daughter is 12 months old. I can so relate to what you’re saying. For me I get very overwhelmed with too much physical touch and noise. I’m so lucky to have my parents and family friends around to help me, I literally have a mini village 😅
Yes, all of this and my daughter is autistic also with a learning disability, she is now 19 and I constantly feel like I'm going through autistic burnout because I don't have enough help or support. It's hard.
Wow! It feels like you are talking about me! I also did EC and went all the way searching every little detail about what is best. With my first child everything was ok. Even could go back to school in the beginning. But my second child was to much for me. I had a depression and then they found out I have autism. It's really difficult because of the Village that isn't around. My partner takes over a lot but is tired to.
But in little steps It's getting better. Getting en keeping the house organized is my biggest challenge at the moment. Hope I will get there soon so I can focus on other things. Will be following you.
I find that having children limits my masking and coping capabilities. I'm so spent at the end of the day that it makes it hard to cope with regular life, like running errands and doing a few social outings here and there.
I know how you feel. Though I am not diagnosed, I identify with so many of the traits. My children are now 13, 14, and 16 years old now. My masking abilities have weakened and the end of the day often leaves me drained.
This was fantastic! I'd be super interested in any more parenting as an autistic mum videos you might have!
I needed this today.
Nice channel! There's a couple of video ideas I came up with that you haven't made yet:
1. Relationships. Both being in a relationship as and with an autistic person.
2. Things about navigating life in The Netherlands as an autistic expat (which my boyfriend and I are too) that neurotypical expats don't have.
I am undiagnosed with a 4 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I had to realize on my own other people did not search for every right answer for their babies. I still struggle with making the exact right choice but it is not nearly as intense as it was at infancy. Thanks for this video. I keep scrubbing the inter web for definitive proof that my struggles are not Autism so that I can stop looking and stop being consumed by this research. I don’t seem to be having much luck. My son and his behaviors lead me to researching. Thank you for sharing, I have watched many of your videos and they’re so helpful.
I love this video! Excellent job
You are blessed or a better person than me. I feel completely invaded by having a child. I am a single parent. I try my hardest but wow...I really have to TRY. My boy is 6 now and birthday parties , I was always melt down afterwards. My boy talked incessantly. I had to keep up. Now I talk too much. Its messy. I am insane. Just winging it. Hoping he will be ok. Poor kid. I don't love being a parent but I love him so I keep going.