"The Cool Girl" - Conditioned to Dissociate When Faced with Lies
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 15. 02. 2022
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People traumatized as children are vulnerable to LIES: Instead of anger, you may freeze and become morally confused, pressuring yourself to be "cool" and to tolerate mistreatment. The alternative would be to end relationships you fear you can't live without. In this video I respond to a woman whose husband is lying to her, and she is colluding with him to gaslight herself that all of this is somehow OK.
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I had to say goodbye to cool girl recently. Be uncool. Show your emotions. Set boundaries. Create expectations.
Yes!!! Right there with you!đ
What expectations ?
After 28 years of being the cool girl, I have finally broke free and now becoming uncool girl.
@@salinakennedy7130 Good For you! I've been a cool girl for 30 years. I'm closer than I have ever been to leaving
So does not being cool mean being Karen?
Narcissists expect you to be their parent and to forgive all of the awful things they do to you.
Well said.. that is exactly what they expect !
Exactly!!
Truth. Mine condemned me for being âconditionalâ and not being able to âlove unconditionallyâ and âjust enjoy this for what it is.â I told him that no human relationship is unconditional, but wasnât able to articulate that his model amounted to one person taking unlimited abuse and saying/doing nothing.
literally been encouraged to desensitize ourselves to our own instincts and intuition
So true! Itâs like girl donât trust what you feel or what your intuition tells you rather go and trust what this guy is really telling you
And to not value our feelings which is how predators like Ghislane and Epstein were able to do whatvthey did to so many.
âYour insecurity is coming from something thatâs not secureâ
đđ
I tried to be the cool girl. And I got treated terribly. People donât end up respecting the cool girl. They know what youâre doing. They know youâre bending yourself to be whatever you think they want. No self respect. They treat you in kind. Then they cheated on me anyway. I wish I had gone ahead and been uncool. Iâm uncool now.
Yup yup yup. And btw, I love your name.
@@vivio2852 thx!
I like the "I'm uncool now" Ahah that is cool! đđ
@@Noemie291 Oh Iâm fully uncool to the point of telling my husband, at one point - âIf you ever tell me you think another woman is cute, I will m*rdwr you both.â And only partially joking. Which isnât healthy either, but hey, at least Iâm not being like I used to be, which is âYeah, I totally donât care if you hit on girls in front of me. Iâm cool.â To boyfriends, who then later ended up dumping me after cheating on me while I pretended not to notice.
The problem with bending to be whatever they want is that it's a cat and mouse chasing game where the cat never catches up with the mouse. The goalposts are constantly shifting.
"The psychological cool girl gaslighting herself" - yep, definitely me!
That makes 2 of us đ
This was brilliant. As a fellow SF/Bay area native like Anna, the "cool girl" lifestyle was (and still is) held up as the cultural ideal. The "liberated" female with no expectations. Beneath the sexy , "no judgments" persona is a long-suffering doormat. Thank you for this insightful analysis!
Hella true...
Damn, I grew up in SF, haha that's amazing. Truly.
Same with South FL đ
I went through this recently, kept giving my ex chances because he's mentally ill and I figured he was growing enough and I could withstand certain things because I'm forgiving. It's not worth it, don't settle for less than what you're willing to give. Monogamy isn't this wild crazy out-there idea, it's very possible and a very reasonable request. If she leaves him I bet she won't just feel lonely, abandoned, she will feel liberated and free and rise into her power again!
I thought my ex was "mentall ill" but he used that unknown mystery illness to manipulate me. He was simply a narcissist plain and simple.
@@evonne315 Le sigh.đ
It's like I was reading my own situation. I'm just now today, realizing it's not worth it, hasn't been and being forgiving and loving and giving of my time and energy drained it from me at the end of the day along with my bank account. I don't mind being alone in fact I luv being by myself and doing what I want without having to worry someone was gonna get mad about it, but I couldn't completely let him go we had so many things that we were in sync with finishing each other's sentences. I would think about him and he would call right then and vice versa so I thought there was something there if I just stuck with it he would be the man he pretended to be every now and again to reel me back in. Once I became aware of what he did and how he moved I couldn't unsee it but I believe that is exactly what has helped me in getting over it and today I really am over it. Idc anymore. I don't wish nothing bad on him I just don't have any emotion towards it at all. I thank God for that. Just sucks I'm tired of investing in relationships of all types.. friends, partner, family, coworkers, to get nothing but unessecary Bullshit from it. I legit am over ppl in general and not even mad about it or bitter just don't Wanna fuck with anyone because Noone says what the mean and mean what they say. I don't have time for another investment either.
@@kaylamullinax6263 tired of investing!!!... you're words are much kinder than mine
@@kaylamullinax6263 I can feel and relate with every word youâve expressed. I think that getting to where you are right now in terms of your perspective is perfect. Youâve experienced enough pain to recognize what you donât want from your relationships. If I were to be absolutely honest Iâve lived my life not knowing what I desire from my relationships. Kinda on autopilot with my eyes closed and my fingers crossed hoping for a miracle. As I educate myself more Iâm learning that in life we must develop goals and plans and align our relationships accordingly. Not the other way around. Changing our paths to suit others. I do wish that once you heal and become clear about your journey, the best people in alignment will appear in your life â€ïž đș we all deserve great outcomes after weâve put in the work.
It's completely okay to walk away from a relationship that doesn't work for you.
Exactly! :)
Ashley@TeamFairy
I think I was married to this guy. In the last year of our relationship, he "came out" as polyamorous, and me, being the cool girl, desperately tried to make it work for me. I felt like I was in a mental fog the whole time. My work and health suffered because I spent all of my energy trying to change my perspective on it. I was so confused by his behavior, because what he did was so hurtful but he was always willing to talk about things and said he valued open communication (even though he lied and evaded the truth on multiple occasions). I remember having this light bulb moment when everything became clear to me. I finally understood why his behavior was so inconsistent and his words didn't match his actions. It was really very simple. He didn't care about me. Everything he did suddenly made sense once I realized the truth of it. I snapped out of it immediately, left him on the spot after almost 15 years together, and never looked back.
my story exactly. I left after ten years. been alone for 14. so much happier.
My story also! Ended it around 15 years in. I realized I had been gaslighting myself for years to make the relationship work. One day I realized I had no idea who I actually was after years of bending myself to fit him.
I've done weekly therapy for 3.5 years since I realized the truth of my situation and have become so strong in who I am. I've healed my codependent nature and understand my worth now.
I am grateful for the darkness of that situation and everything I had to go through because it pushed me to recognize how my trauma was effecting my life negatively and to do something about it.
Know your worth and keep pushing for good things in your life. You deserve it!
15 years too...I've had so many lightbulb moments, but always seem to 'forget' these realizations-leaving me desperate & literally pathetic!
Just by reading your comment, I feel pure happiness & joy for you ending the 'relationship' & showing your value like a neon sign!!!
Hopefully, I too can care more about myself than another that doesnt.
@@corinnefisher166 The "forgetting" is how your brain and higher self are protecting you from the pain. Once you can get out of the bad situation, this will begin to lessen in time. Find several people who see the real you and build you up! It's immensely helpful.
@@corinnefisher166 Thank you! It took a long time to start feeling "normal" again but I am so much happier now single. There is life on the other side. And I hope that you are able to do what is best for you on your journey. You deserve to feel peaceful and happy.
The cool girl is the unrealistic fantasy version that every man dreams of: a real life woman who is totally fine being treated like a lifeless doll.
@Inrivaallagofornow most men
This. This is the rub.
And then gets cheated on with someone with actual expectations and boundaries only for the man to try to turn the mistress into another âcool girlâ
@@akeelanobee27 have you read the book 'Gone Girl'? There is a nice passage about 'being the cool girl'
Thank you for wording this.
another term I like about the cool girl, is the comfy girl. The girl who is comfy in any abuse: physical, emotional and mental abuse. A comfy girl is like slippers: nice and warm and comfy, no matter how dirty, smelly and ugly the feet are... she is still fluffy and comfy... Isabelle, do you want to be the slippers of nasty feet? Or do you want an equal relationship of give and take, honesty and integrity. It is important that you choose your emotions above any other emotions. Be your own lawyer. You have a birth right to being loved for who you are. Start with you, loving yourself for who you are. Throw the slippers. You are a queen, not slippers.
Awesome response! đ
Great analogy! I've been the slippers of nasty feet all my life.
Excellent analogy
Great analogy đ
Wonderful Analogy! :)
Ashley@TeamFairy
I have the same viewpoint, healthy polyamory is such a rare beast, so many abused monogamists are just in it because they love a partner who is manipulating them... I can't see how anyone with abandonment trauma could actually do that successfully
"ethical non-monogamy" is an oxymoron at this point
Well said. And once fully healed.... both persons fully healed .... would polygamy even be an exciting idea? Is it somehow in the unhealthy tension? My ex and I discussed this but so glad we never went there I was secretly fearful he would just use it as an excuse to do what he wanted while I was away for work behind my back. And I think I was right! Becuase I am 99% sure he did anyways. He sure replaced me fast enough.
I've heard of throuples. It seems to work better when a woman is living with two men than a man with two women.
I hope this is relevant. Please feel free to delete if not. I won't be hurt. For anyone who's read the book GONE GIRL, there's a section in there where she defines "the Cool Girl." OMG I hung on her every word, because I wanted to BE that cool girl, because in my trauma and codependency, I was certain my attachments failed because *I* wasn't "the cool girl." I just couldn't put up with what was being dished out and it was all my fault. Anyway, the sociopath in Gone Girl informs us that "the cool girl" does not exist; in other words, the "cool girl" is faking it and no one really wants to put up with mistreatment. The "cool girl" just does it out of her hunger and need for what she thinks is love.
One of my favorite books! I'm sure the idea of "the cool girl" has been around forever but I think this is where it was first defined and named as such.
@@jd5368 I think women are being gaslight very pervasively and relatively quite recently by media clutching dudes that say they should accept disrespect and abuse -
because any expectation that a commitment made is to be kept with honesty and integrity or immediately put up on the table for renegotiation - is old fashioned ,isnât in touch with reality or gasp ( frigid ) or is acting immature I.e. sheâs just being extra.. high maintenance.. â not cool â
Finny because I just commented under an other comment asking a woman if she had read this book, cause there is a nice passage about 'being the cool girl' đ
That's the VERY HARD TRUTH đ
I didnât read the book but I watched the move. Loved it. And what she said about the cool girl is so on point
I so wish I had heard this 9 years ago. It makes me happy to hear someone say, "This is terrible."
Same! This was exactly what I needed to hear ten years ago. SO validating.
Me too
Isabel was using the word "we". I can relate. You think you have a "team" with someone. You think they care about you, because that's what they are telling you. But once you express your true feelings and don't go along with the narrative the other person tries to push on you - they can't take it and chances are they will say goodbye to you. And you wonder what happened to "us". And in a few years time you may not be talking to each other anymore. And you may think of him fondly at times but you know you are better off without him. You do the emotional work for them and once you stop doing it, well, they sure won't be doing it. You filled the gaps with your empathy, the other person gladly accepted it. It's gonna hurt to part ways but it will get better.
"The person that's perpetrating that is keeping you in their life so that they can have everything good about you and not have to give it back. That's you switching off your conscience, your intuition, your needs, your emotion. It's codependent to think that the problem with having a boundary for yourself around getting treated like this is being mean to him. He's being very mean to you." Ouch. Yep. How do you keep showing up in my head?
I was married for 31 years. Several times I went to my ex husbands work and found him going to eat lunch with women who liked him !!! I was upset and said something to him! He acted calmly and said that she had just broke up with her boyfriend and he was trying to comfort her! He wanted to go alone with her because he didnt want her to be embarrassed by her getting dumped! Wow I was stupid! He said all the women were only friends! I was only 20 years old and came from abusive parents! Wow I have learned a lot since then! Never again!!!
Isabel; Run! Find a place of your own and spend time getting to know yourself before you enter into a new relationship.
This story is exactly like my own; started as soon as we got together and lasted for 20 miserable years. I lost everything; my family, my kids, my health and my work. I am just now, as a50 year old woman learning about CPTSD and narcissism. So please trust yourself and know that you will find a better man to spend your life with. Wish you the best!
Yep the narc x took my life from me after 30 yrs. Now Iâm too sick to have a relationship!! Sick from stress!!!! Adrenal Failure!!! Caused by him!!! RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!
@@kimmurphy6864 Iâm so sorry for you having to go through this illness. May your days be good despite of health problems â€ïž
@@kimmurphy6864 Same here đâ€
This is my life: 20 miserable years (more if counting family of origin)
Lost kids, family, work, health. Trying hard at age 50 to find me, but most days just seem unbearable.
But I know I made the right decision to leave. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@@kimmurphy6864 same here. So sick from stress. I'm still in the insanity.
I'm to sick to leave.
I'm from a family of 11 people, 8 born and identifying as female. Your "cool girl" definition "I'm not like OTHER girls!" was some sick anthem we were all taught to say and value by............ someone at the top with trauma.
Only recently did I wonder: wait, why are all of us WOMEN sexist against WOMEN???? Like, throwing others under the bus to highlight how 'desirable' and 'proper' we are? This gives some wonderful dimension to it.
I think the other half is the triangulation thingy that Patrick Teahan talks about. Making empowered women with boundaries a strawman black sheep. ew.
But I'm so glad for you guys out here educating and helping to pull such nasty gunk out of our subconscious blind spots!
This is my favorite letter-reading so far. I love how she shows her that the things she tries to support is really him getting away with jackassery. Enough! I dare any commenter to say this was not solid advice.
Let this man get a therapist and call a spade a spade.Anything done in secret with another is cheating bottom line.I got in therapy to heal my stuff and am so happy I did.
Yep, totally agreed. And if you can get into therapy to heal the issues with yourself that effect your relationships, so can he!
I say call that spade a shovel!! That man is a lying cheat and he's gaslighting her into believing he's just 'friends' with other women!
I love how Anna gets upset and involved and wants to connect. It moves me to tears.
Me too. Until recently, even family never showed as much concern and heard me as Anna hears letter writers
@@theresakotlar430 agree. Glad it's better now for you.
From a very young child I knew I didn't want to end up with a man that cheated, that was abusive or harmed children.....yet, that is exactly what I did end up with. Twice.
I was abused as a child and abandoned by my parents. However they wouldn't allow me to be adopted so I was left to grow up in children's homes.
I've been diagnosed with Chronic cPTSD and pure o đą
I am learning that it's not my fault, that I am worth working on and so are all of you.
Tragically only after 40 I have noticed and questioned in me the âcool girl tropeâ after multiple abusive relationships and PTSD which happened after rape.
I saw when growing up all those âcool girlsâ popular with guys bragging with sexual experiences when I was abandoned friendless in the corner and made fun of by boys in my class even if I was not very ugly, I deemed myself being very ugly. I considered myself unworthy of love and attention, also my father had practically abandoned my family at the same time.
Thank you for sharing this, you have no idea how this has helped me, im only 16 but this is so helpful, I wish you the best
@@kellyzimmerman7631 â€ïžđđ„
@@themysticmuse1111 Cocteau Twins forever!!! I remember when music was effective in bypassing trauma (well at least for me). now here we are healing đđ
Heâs having his cake and eating it too !!!!!! If this relationship was cool why is he lying? Itâs crap!!! Stop giving him excuses!!!! Donât waste anymore time on him! This is only going to get worse!!!
Thank you, Anna, for supporting monogamous relationships! The world is such a confusing place now, especially for us, suffering from cptsd..
My father was openly cheating on my mom (she was heavily emotionally codependent) and he didnât care how boys (or man) would treat me. I grew up very unprotected and didnât know anything about (healthy) relationships. Iâm 37 and single for many years now since Iâve had too much bad experience with men and Iâm not sure if Iâm ever healthy enough to see a good man if he ever happen to be around.
I'd rather have no relationship than be involved in a mess like this!!
C-PTSD and codependence creates a lot of self-doubt and all that analyzing. She wrote a lot about him and although she mentioned herself and her own confusion, she still seemed like a side bar in the 'story.' She's more concerned about him than herself. We need to be asking ourselves, "Do I like him? Do I like this behavior? Am I okay with this situation? Etc.
I've commented this before but I'll say it again, this is where knowing at least some of your core values and likes and dislikes really makes a big difference. Eg., two of my core values are honesty and trust. If someone isn't honest with me then I know I can't trust them. If they lie to me and I stick around then I'm going against my own values.
Most of us have been taught and brain washed that things are never about us and we should accept the unacceptable. And if we try to draw boundaries then we're selfish. Well, it's not true. My life IS about me. Your life IS about you. And no matter the reason someone lies, cheats or does something YOU find unacceptable, that matters and you get to say no.
Ah dear. This resonates!! But I get stuck between is he definitely lying..... or am I just stuck in a negative pattern of always looking for deception, lies, dishonesty (as that for some reason is my BIGGEST fear in relationships). So will I feel distrustful in all relationships because the doubt and distrust is coming from me?!?! I dunno. It's so confusing. đ°
I have been the "cool girl" in friendships. My childhood best friends and I were very close and saw a lot of each others private lives. I saw and heard what they went through and never wanted to add on to the trauma that they faced. So I accepted their bullying behaviors and also psychoanalyzed them to excuse what they said and did. Its been 2 years since I intentionally broke off the friendship for my sake, but it wasn't until now that I realize that I had been the cool girl.
Humm- just realized I did that with a âbest friendâ - she was really mean to me. But I loved her family and when she burned through her other friends and would bounce back to me, Iâd be right there. Every time we laughed and had fun together, I erased all the hurt. Even my mean aunt referred to her as the mean friend-at the time I wondered what she meant! That was 50 yrs ago! Lordy we can hold on to emotions a long timeâŠ
Yes. During my late teens my mother was extremely critical of me for ending my friendships with two girls she really liked. She was friends with their mothers. She blamed me for being a horrible, cold person. The one was a teen alcoholic who I was tired of covering for and rescuing. The other managed to get into bed with the 2 guys I had dated, while I was dating them. I guess she was just making up for what I wouldn't do. I told my mother these things and she accused me of lying. She always accused me of doing all kinds of horrible things. I don't know why.
I did not realize I was a cool girl for a long, long time in between my marriage ending and my most recent relationship ending. I felt I was becoming more accepting, more purely loving, but I was really learning how AWFUL my boundaries are. I've been working on them ever since.
My therapist told me today that Iâm making excuses for everyone elseâs bad behavior. đł oh. Yes, yes I am. Time to re-evaluate!
Yes, LOVING! Thatâs what I thought I was being! Wrong, big mistake, I had no boundaries. Learned to be âlovingâ by watching bad behaviors- when family members would have awful fights and then make up, it was âproofâ of how much they loved you.
@@KWwest the fights were bad, but the worst was the controlling behavior and narcissistic use. It's so hard, every day, to be the parent I wish I actually had. How is it a woman could instill in _me_ saying "please" and "thank you" and not having tantrums, when most of my life has been her lack of doing those things? Especially when I moved to do things of which she did not approve? It's taken me years to learn that controlling others, even for reasons that feel 'right' (drug use, antisocial behavior, etc) is NOT love. Accepting horrible treatment is not love. Caring enough about yourself to walk away... is the real love. Hard, though.
@@christineherrmann205 Yes!!!! Self love - Im still working on that one. Family/marriage/in-laws always put me down. XHusband & in-laws were textbook passive/aggressive so always wondered if they new what they said was demeaning or if they were just that ignorant- they were so nice to their huge circle of friends - not kidding, over 150+ people theyâve known for 30 yrs and some all their lives. My own family just down right mean - upper class, wealthy, super smart and really scary - I was totally neglected and developed defiant behavior which I struggle with now - Theyâd even shame me for clear nail polish! Make- up or a hair cut, or new blouse, physical abuse & extreme weight scream fest. Now I cringe when I look at myself in the mirror and never let anyone see me brush my hair or touch-up my makeup in public - or at home! How damaged is that totally engrained behavior!?! So yes, self love and self esteem is critical to becoming free, independent, healthy and capable of sharing a loving life with someone. Crikey-arenât we complex! Glad youâre sharing your experiences and we have others to learn from! Onwards and upwards!
I wasted many, many years hoping my first boyfriend - a man just like this - would fully commit to me if I bent myself out of shape to be ok with this terrible treatment. I convinced myself that if he was seeing other women it could only be because I wasnât good enough and took all the responsibility for the failure of the relationship. In my family I was told over and over that there were bad flaws in every aspect of my being. When I was growing up he was the only person who made me feel special. I was so susceptible and hungry that he easily lured me in with declarations of devotion, desire for a committed relationship and love bombing over and over again. Once hooked again, he would walk away when I started to express needs or expectations for the future.
My first controlling husband also was my champion against my addicted yucky father and family. I had no idea there were other ugly character traits, I was solely concentrating on not "marrying " my father. I became my mother. Shutting our feelings down in adulthood is denying the gift of feelings, and sabotage our relationships!
I think this was one of the most painful letters Iâve heard Anna read because it had so much self-gaslighting in it. She was excusing his behavior so much, and empathizing with his feelings and history more than her own. And wondering if she should feel uncomfortable with his lying to her about relationships with the opposite sex, but then saying theyâre BOTH mature, open and willing to try. Been there, but damn itâs stark to listen to. I just kept saying while listening to the letter read, âOh honey. Oh honey. Oh honey no.â
I hope that the letter writer was really able to take in Annaâs kind reality check and find healing. I think many codependents could relate to the denial that comes before the storm breaks. đ
This video had so many good points in it and made me realize as well how emotionally abusive childhoods can encourage us to see ourselves as burdens for having needs/ feelings/ boundaries, as if itâs somehow virtuous to be a doll for someone else to bend around. Sigh.
I also just really appreciated Anna calling out the guyâs lying and probable infidelity as really, really terrible and her creating a big validating space around that. So many people second guess the validity of their intense pain and feel like they need permission to claim their own feelings. Sigh.
Great video. I honestly feel so grateful and lucky to have found Annaâs work. She has helped me so much. So many thank youâs.
Thank you so much. It is very emotional reading these letters for me too.
Anna is so spot on. So true it hurts. My mom didnât request any child support or financial assistance for us to go to college because she wasnât going to be like other women who go after men âwith all claws.â Thereâs my role model, folks.
UGH! So frustrating how people with their own traumas get stuck in these patterns at the expense of their kids.
-Cara@TeamFairy
definitely me. Now I struggle to set boundaries as quickly as possible. The last time I tried to put my foot down I wound up getting gaslighted and ditched. Never be a doormat but never be a doorstop either. Balance in everything.
@@PreYeah I mean don't be a domineer, especially in a close relationship.
âJealousyâ!?! Of course âjealousyâ when itâs warranted! âŠand then boundaries. Being accused of jealousy (as if you are the one who is âwrongâ) is classic gaslighting.
Boy, is she caught up in irrelevant details and analysis. Heâs not confused. He went all the way across the country to see a female âfriend?â Uh, no. I have CPTSD, and even I get this dynamic and would nip it and move on.
Lol I was seeing a guy who worked at night. He called me around midnight and said, oh, could I entice you to come over and cuddle tonight? I can't get to sleep and I have to wake up early to get on the bus tomorrow. I suspected he was going to see his ex, a traveling nurse with whom he said he was 'just friends', so I said no. I didn't confront him at the time. When he got back I asked some tricky questions, and that is indeed where he went.
Yes it's a setup to have no expectations.Many adults with PTSD are looking for a healthy healed partner .I Love your content.
Reformed Cool Girl here! Never again đ
love this. I believe I was the male equivalent of this, Mr Understanding. Bought up as the youngest son of two narcissistic parents with two brothers, there was little space for me. I became Mr Understanding from a very young age, twisting up inside. Horrible place but understandable, it was a good survival technique for a child. As I got older I got a doctorate in being MU. Partners were complicated, angry and depressed. Poiffect! I always managed to excuse them by being so understanding. 'You are probably tired, but the way you flirted with your ex in front of me was sort of ... uncomfortable.' It had gone through the filters that made sure that we stayed connected, after all fear of abandonment tied me in knots.
finally i got it, it wasn't their responsibility to change, it was mine. Now, I'm more content as I heal from past trauma and am less of an intermediary in my own life. I've needed to be alone for this, with good friends who have been patient with me. More fundamentally i've had to be patient and caring to me, not as easy as it sounds. I've found embodiment work has really helped discover trapped emotions.
thank you for your videos, you really are a star!
Whatâs embodiment work.
@@LHydro I found craniosacral therapy released my body to express long held feelings. books like the Body Keeps the Score, Waking the Tiger (peter levine) gives a good background on embodiment. I've been physically 'unwinding' for a few years, letting my body release the trauma. It's hard work, looks a bit crazy as it also involves expressing feelings vocally. I'm lucky to have found it. Hope this helps.
@@LHydro embodiment is the belief that the body holds much of the trauma that you have been through, not only the mind. And that not dealing with the body keeps the trauma 'locked in'.
Ouch, this hurt listening to. This was me and my former partner of 24 years (married 19). I was just like Lisa, and he was similar to her partner. Rather than explain the way our relationship finally ended (no surprise, he cheated) let me just share the most valuable lesson I learned, for possessing correct discernment in future. If you're the one doing all the talking, and they merely agree with you - their mind has already separated from couple goals. It requires their individual contribution, and they need to be able to express it.
When I look back, I realised all he ever did was parrot exactly what I said. Or simply agreed. When I asked for his feedback, he would turn it back to me and what I was saying. I remember feeling annoyed on many occasions, that I was having a conversation with myself. Well, that's because I was!! He didn't want me to feel insecure in our relationship, which sounds very noble. But it doubled as a shield, to hide the things he didn't want to share with me. Which was, he didn't want to reign in his desires, or weaknesses to cope with his own trauma growing up.
So add that to the list of things to investigate, for next time. If he doesn't offer his own vision of couple goals, and constantly defaults to yours instead, then he likes to double-deal under the table. Because when he offers you permission to decide his contribution to the couple goals, then he's the kind of man that allows ANY woman to set his contributions to their interaction. I always knew, my husband's weakness, was going to be the right woman to come along and convince him to cheat. Unfortunately, I was right. I hoped I would be wrong, and did all the necessary work, to deal with my own trauma, I'm happy now though, because I've learned since, I deserved better. Always did. My standard now, is not fitting crap to my life, in the name of love. I choose to love myself, first and foremost.
Good point. I see similarities in my story actually. Even his 11yo daughter could manipulate doubts in his mind. Id ask him what his needs in the relationship were, and he couldnt tell me.
Gosh, Iâm sorry. You sound like a strong person now, or at least enlightened. Thank you for sharing this with us
Wow. It hurts to read but it's so eye opening! You just gave me a giant aha moment. Thank you.
Nothing worse than a serial liar.
~Yes!~Honestly is at the top of my list of non-negotiable qualities!~If i cant believe what they say, there is no point in communicating, which is the main part of a relationship....it didnt used to be, but it is these days!~âĄ~
Friends? No.
They're not his friends and you're making excuses for him đ
Speaking from experience. I put up with really crappy guys until I was 39 years old. Making excuses for them.
Just over a year ago I ended a relationship with a guy who had no loyalty. Together about 4 years. Became clear in the last 2 years he was working on meeting someone else. He even said things like this to me and then would say he didnât mean it. Now he is with someone else he has tried to sneak around with me. On the last attempt I completely severed the connection, blocked everywhere. It does not matter who he is with, this is how he functions. Add to this extreme possessiveness and violence and he is down right dangerous.
I will not even speak to him again. But even after all this time there are thoughts I could have that would reduce me to tears and my brain still wants to fantasise that somehow there was a misunderstanding. My logic tells my brain that there is no way I would ever be treated properly and no misunderstanding could ever smooth over the awfulness of the relationship. Part of me also feels some humiliation at being misguided and tricked for so long. Itâs also scary to have to realise that some people will fool and take advantage of me and it may not be something I can notice straight away. From now on I would prefer to run at the slightest sign of this behaviour and risk leaving some great guys behind, I really donât want to risk this sort of experience again.
OMG this is so me!
my hugs are going to youâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Thank you!! The Cool Girl complex has such a hold on so many women it's tragic.
This is TERRIBLE!!! This is TERRIBLE!! Sometimes codependents need to hear this . This poor girl needs to leave . He is not loving her at all
Appreciate your insight :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Iâm about 15 minutes in, and wow!! Does this pattern sum me up! This specific kind of people pleasing is why I made the decision not to date until Iâm more aware of my patterns and a bit more healed⊠Thank you so much for this video!! đ
Samesies ! High five ! đ
me too
Ditto
OMG, this was me a few years ago. I spent 11 years crap fitting with someone who I felt needed my compassion and understanding because he had such a traumatic childhood (like me), and mental illness, all while he treated me like garbage. I learned the hard way that people like this will just keep pushing your boundaries inch by inch. The more you tolerate, the more they push. They want you to give up everything, while they give up nothing. It took a very, very painful and traumatic incident of him trying to bully me into an open marriage, and actually bringing his *cousin* into our home for sex and expecting me to just tolerate it before I finally found my self-respect and left. I don't wish that pain on anyone.
Ouch! Good for you for getting out of there.
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was so difficult to watch because I am Isabel. Iâve left the marriage, so Iâm safe now. But Iâve been struggling with the shame as I self reflect. This was so validating to hear, 3 years out of the relationship. I overanalyze myself and am way too hard on me, while being ultra forgiving to him. And then I realize, that was childhood. I let him blame me and gaslight me for decades while he cheated and lied.
If youâre also Isabel, please watch this all the way through and even over and over. Every word is true. Honesty from both parties is a MINIMUM standard and you deserve safety. Youâre not wrong for feeling the way you do and you need to get out. â€ïž
I was totally this girl 3 years ago. Still healing form that relationship, it takes a lot of work. But the sooner you get out, the better. You feel like you have the brain space for finally being yourself again.
Amazing advice!
Also, that relationship turned into âpolyamoryâ and noâŠpolyamory doesnât work in this situation unless your partner has a copious amount of time, money, and energy to fulfill multiple people.
Get out, sis. Free your mind and get out.
Glad you were able to get out. Sending you healing vibes!
Ashley@TeamFairy
I almost had a cool girl moment. I was just starting to date someone and it was going great. But then he told me he could tell I wanted something more meaningful, which confused me because he said he did, too. Then he confessed that he doesnât want anything long term because thatâs like prison to him and that he doesnât like to pay every time we go out. We both agreed that we like each other and wanted to keep seeing each other, so he suggested we be friends. I was about to be cool girl and accept that but then, knowing myself, I realized that at some point my feelings would continue to grow and Iâd want more but he just told me he doesnât. Plus, the kind of man I want, wants a long term relationship and likes to give provi$ion while dating me. So I told him I couldnât continue spending time with someone as a friend that I wanted to date. And it was over, so glad I was secure enough in my worth and what I deserve to stop at that moment.
Sounds like sheâs trying to rationalise and intellectualise her instincts. Her instincts say somethings very wrong and she thinks she has to justify why what when how. Rejecting others and cutting them off is hard when you think youâve been thrown away too many times to bare it, but itâs really for the best to leave and put yourself first
This hit me so hard that I literally started sobbing. This gave me the wake up call of my life. Thank you Crappy Childhood fairy
Been there, done that my entire life - counted 60 of them. Wish had someone like you providing guidance . I spent thousands of $ in counseling and none were as concise as you - what a doormat Iâve been and unfortunately now I see all men as cheating, selfish, manipulative asses who will take as much as they can get for as little as possible. Now I call it as I see it, have boundaries and am alone- but Iâm happy because now Iâm not an emotional wreck over some pathetic relationship. At the same time Iâm disappointed in myself for wasting 40 years on being the cool girl and, the degree to which I canât stand men.
Ditto ....but every days A SCHOOLDAY am learning with EVERYONE ....
Yep, tired of investing!!!
I soo feel you !!!
I'm so glad these are recorded, because this is totally me. Different circumstances to the letter, but all the underlying dynamics. It's hard to hear, so will have to listen again to let it sink in.
Wow. I love your wisdom and insight for this woman. Our culture romanticizes the Cool Girl and I think itâs biologically, emotionally, soulfully wrong to buy into it. Iâve bought it myself and it brings so much confusion and pain.
Interesting term-cool girl. I always knew I was, and if you were to ask any guy friend of mine they would define me as this. However, I am not the same type of âcool girlâ, as you described. Iâm the cool girl who is cool to be avoidantâŠmy term. Iâm cool with a person when I know Iâve lost trust, and literally become ice, and ice a guy out. Iâve also become âcoolâ as a way to gauge a manâs true interest in me, by staying unemotional and detached-âcoolâ, but not totally avoidant.
Iâve been the girl youâve described once, it didnât serve me and flipped the script subconsciously and later consciously.
I came across your channel purely by accident. I did not know there was a name for the verbal abuse and neglect I suffered as a child. I realize I am avoidant nowâŠI wasnât always, because I have a very low tolerance now for any type of abuse towards me. My pendulum swung in the other direction, where as, I will not only verbalize my discontent, I will literally shut my emotions completely off and never look back.
If you have a video of this type of coping mechanism, Iâd like to know. I am struggling with trying to find emotional connections with others, friends and guys Iâd like to meet, but find my ice is difficult to penetrate, even for myself.
I can not, can not tell you how invaluable your work is. Thank you a million times for gifting this out here in to the world for all of us to see, who have been blinded by childhood invalidation xx
I really love these letters and your breakdowns of them. The way you "get it" feels magical. Fairy is a great term for you. Thank you so much.
Love that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Talk about a wake up slap to the face that I desperately needed.
Where was this video five years ago when Mr. Hyde came out the moment the engagement ring was on my finger? Luckily, the friend he was love-bombing tipped me off, and I was already in therapy. Took a few years to shake off the trauma bond and get myself out - now a year completely single and FINALLY feeling like myself again. The work is learning to TRUST your intuition, not their words.
Iâm so glad you gave it to her straight. I was in this kind of relationship in my early twenties and he broke me down after 3 yrs. And because I was so young, itâs sets the tone for relationships for quite awhile. She needs to see the light. Itâs painful but it gives you somewhere to start healing from.
Appreciate you sharing your experience!
-Cara@TeamFairy
.
Iâm walking through the pain of a similar situation (just dating) and I am having moment that tells me thatI finally made a BOUNDARY.when I blocked this person who has ghosted me during our year long so-called relationship
Iâm proud of myself for saying âhell noâ. A small triumph, but itâs huge for me.
Being the âCool Girlâ is abandoning me.
There is hope.
Thank you so much for another eye opening video.
My guess is that guy kept her around probably because she paid for most of the bills as well as excused his cheating away
I moved on from someone like this , âfemale friendsâ. He was actually seeing someone behind my back . I knew this behavior would never work for me and our son (he is my sons father). It creates unhealthy dynamics and it was better for me to focus on myself and my healing and having healthy people specifically men around our son. .. đ
Anna, thank you so much the video and the topic! I really needed this. I took your dating course and practiced structured dating according to it. It was very unfamiliar and difficult, but worth it. I found a kind, consistent and drama-free man. We try to take it slow and I'm trying to learn how to be in a "boring" relationship for the first time in my life. Any tips to keep longer stable relationship going on are appreciated!
Edit: I think us CPTSD folks would benefit from hearing how a proper relationship should work, since we often don't have an experience of such and don't know how to compare those. It could be eye-opening and give something to compare to.
Thank you! My previous girlfriend hung out with her ex who was still in love with her. For some reason I really didn't like it, but felt I should be the cool girl. I thought it was me being jealous, and closed-minded. When I asked questions about it, I was told I was jealous. Her ex would call her at night to wish her sweet dreams, sent her a birthday card where she said my ex was still the "special one" to her. I found out later that my ex met with her regularly for dinners at each others house and lied to me about it - never told me. They had "sleep overs" and didn't tell me. They had been doing this for the length of our relationship - almost two years. When I found out about one of the lies, I told my ex I knew she lied, and she said it was because I was so jealous, she had to lie. I completely shut down all of my instincts, intuition and any questions I had.
Yep. Been there, done that. I lost 5 years of my life trauma bonded to this guy who can't love. Finally his lies were so obvious, I had to wake up. Learning about covert narcissists on Quora saved my life. By hearing Narcs describe how empty they are, it made me finally accept that he didn't love me, or anyone else, including his children. I woke up and am still healing 3 years later.
She's making excuses for him
I could have written this letter. I'm working on getting out financially and even though I'm finished with the romantic part of this there is still this little part of me hoping he'll change. It's been 5 years- he aint. I would have left a long time ago but I got really sick and because of being sick, my finances tanked. I'm better and things are better but, I'm still here until the finances for myself are better. Its unbelievably hard but I have faith I'll get through it.
Hi Mary, 5years is a long time. I'm moving out on the 28th. It's scary but .. I've resigned from work already, got a new place to stay. It's really really happening. Hard to believe because when I moved in with him (2017) it was for 2weeks only..
wishing you all the best.
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@@TurningTesting good for you, the wheels are in motion! Congratulations! You got this!!
Iâve encountered among some people , not only is there the idea of the Cool Girl, thereâs the expectation of being the Evolved Girl. Accepting and tolerating open relationship is seen as more spiritually evolved. There can be a lot of judgement for not going along with it. It taught me that I have the right to monogamy and itâs not any less spiritually evolved than open relationships.
I am so enjoying, validating, honoring, nodding constantly and appreciating your hard-won insights and brilliance. Thank you!
Wonderful!
In other words the "cool girl" is an expert at "crap fitting.."..
This is like me 3 years ago with a covert narc gaslighting the crap out of myself and being the cool wife.
me too
You just described me. The pain you open up, with the scales falling from my eyes. How you figured this out is a miracle and we are blessed.
I needed to hear this... I am gaslighting myself too. It is really confronting...
I can be like that myself, I have tendencies to ignore society and tune out people a lot of time. I am yet to discuss this type of stuff with a counseller. Both parents don't showed love, biological mother is an alcoholic.
Many people say I am quite calm but I can be a misanthrope.
The male equivalent is "the nice guy". The guy who "makes her happy" by buying a house he can't afford, spending the weekends doing what she wants or helping her family, or visiting her family and friends but not his own- because she just always arranges it that way. The guy who writes the children from his first marriage out of his will because she makes it sound unfair to the children from this marriage if he doesn't, and barely sees them and can't help them financially because of that crippling mortgage. The guy who is overdrawn at the bank while she spends the money from her job on nice clothes, a nice car and nights out with friends. The guy who stays home every night because she doesn't like to be home alone.
The guy who has slept in the spare bedroom for x number of months/years "because he snores". The guy doing his own laundry and cooking and who has to call a male friend to pick him up from the hospital because his wife is so busy.
The guy who everybody thinks is happily married, but who has spent more than one night sitting in his car parked in an empty lot, staring at the gun in his hand.
Well put.
@@Sarablueunicorn what a powerful rebuttal. I felt empathy for the commenter.
Iâm not poly, but even if I was, this kind of lying and manipulative person is not a good person to be in any kind of relationship with. He sounds like heâs good at lying and when theyâre good at lying it wonât just be about the other partners in the picture either, it doesnât just isolate to fidelity, itâs in how that person lives his life : /
Great points :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have my doubts that this fellow is all that "special" .
Special only to himself
This lady is me over the last 3 years and yes it was TORTURE TO LET THE CAD GO ....BUT I DID IT ....THIS COOL GIRL HAS LEARNED THE HARD WAY ....1 RED FLAG FROM ANYONE N THEIR GONE ....
My father was emotionally abusive and my mother always made excuses instead of standing up for me, and even punished me for attempting to stand up for myself. I was ostracized at school and anytime anyone paid attention to me, I had to accept them with no boundaries because the only other alternative was spending my weekends and free time sad and alone.
For most of my life, I had no idea that being the "cool girl" wasn't normal, and I thought that was what everyone did. I thought that becoming a ball of anxiety waiting for someone to contact me while I worried he was about to leave me, and being a very good girl and not saying anything and making excuses for him before he had even said anything himself, was a normal part of relationships.
I thought that experiencing things that deeply upset you or being pressured into situations that you don't want at all but ignoring your feelings and pretending to like it was what everyone did. Or accidentally discovering evidence my boyfriend is cheating on me and either saying nothing at all or believing his initial denial, even though I don't really, and making my own excuses for why it must not actually have been cheating, was a normal part of life. It happened in multiple relationships.
I couldn't understand why everyone I had ever been in a relationship with had used me then left me, because I believed I was doing everything right, and I couldn't understand why nobody loved me. I was starting to come to this realization on my own, but thanks for helping me understand what normal people do!
Yea he is exploiting her trauma.
I never felt better about being a âKarenâ until now! Lol. Iâm so glad I learned to stand up for myself and speak up when a person I was in a relationship with was flirting with other women and doing other inappropriate behavior. It was a long road in learning and healing and Im still on my journey, but Im so much more assertive than before. đ
This is so invaluable to me. I could have written this letter myself. The only difference in my situation is that my boyfriend psychologizes me and tells me that I canât accept him and his friendships because of my trauma. He has told me that he lies because of my insecurities and that he wonât be able to stop until I stop accusing him. He canât see that my insecurities have come from his lying, secrecy, and hiding. I am very grateful for the woman who has written the letter that Iâve been wanting to write myself and for you, Anna, for the perspective that I havenât been able to confirm and validate for myself.
Get out now.
He CAN see that your insecurities come from his lying, and heâs counting on it. Keeping you doubting yourself, making you feel crazy, and keeping you off balance is his goal so that he can keep cheating and keep you in place. Itâs intentional-run!
@@katt9208 Thank you.
@@KWwest Thank you.
@@Sarablueunicorn Yes, watched that. Iâm jealous; I have too many rules; expectations instead of focusing on what I can give; Iâm not evolved enough; Iâm not fully present; re-explaining my feelings in terms of the trauma from my father; and heâs my teacher that my spirit guides have sent. I definitely related. Thank you.
Anna, thank god for you. Please, please keep making your videos - you're saving my life and you're doing it for others too. You're giving me the education and tools that nobody else has to change my life. Having the means to not go through these C-PTSD shit storms on repeat is absolutely life saving in my opinion. Thank you so much. You've made more sense to me and helped me with more direct and applicable life advice and mental health issues with my C-PTSD than any clinician ever has. I relate to every single thing you talk about and you're making it all make sense. I'm so thankful you make all of this free, and I'm saving up to do your courses and so I can contribute back to you in some way at least by purchasing your expertise.
I watch and rewatch your videos - I love them, I take notes, and I learn (a literal fuck tonne). I'm also avoiding that same unit of measurement's worth of trauma in the future because I can see so much clearer, and it gives me serious hope and ground beneath my feet. You're so on point that I will often have to push myself to watch your latest vid because I've read the title and I know it's about to make me face something I've been trying not to. At some point in life I've either been in or am currently in pretty much every situation your viewers write in about.
Since my teens I've been desperately and actively seeking and engaging in psychiatrist appointments, counselling, psychologists, you name it (and they do have their place), but you and your videos (and the community here on this channel) are what I've been searching for... everywhere, pretty much. It's genuinely the first time somebody has validated my experiences, understood them, and helped make sense of them for me. Your direct advice and explanations are so helpful. Your peer support is amazing. Thank you.
Oh wow that was a super long comment. Sorry for being a crazy person. Hah
@Billie not crazy! Really encouraging, thanks for your support of the Channel and your Fairy love :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow. This goes so much further than just our primary relationships. I remember years ago, after my abusive husband left our 13 year marriage, my nephew wanted to move in with him to go to college in our town. I was supposed to be ok with it. My "cool girl" tried to be ok. My therapist gave me permission to not be ok with it. My sister, his mother, hounded me to be ok with it, status quo in our abusive upbringing. I said I knew he would do what he wanted, but I didn't have to be ok with it. (She knew how abusive he was) It fractured our relationship, but I was stronger in my sense of self for it. My nephew sent me nasty emails of how I should be ok with it. It was clear I needed to disengage from my family of origin.
Oh my gosh ...I needed to hear this one today ..I feel like it speaks to me in many ways ..thank you ..and blessings of self worth and putting herself first to the girl in the letter
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Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So much truth in just the first 60 seconds!
Glad this video resonated! Thanks for being here!
Ashley@TeamFairy
This is so helpful Anna. I have recently learned how being the Cool Girl became my M.O. after being in a series of toxic dead-end relationships with musicians. Not sure why Iâve never been able to see it before now, but youâve really opened my eyes. Thank you!
I was the "cool girl" until I was 21 and it nearly killed me. Never again.
Considering polyamorous relationship? I've been exposed to watching some acquaintances go through one. Boy did it seem fun and awesome, at first. And I wondered who and when the hurt would began. Took a few years and a divorce and many people hurt, wasn't fun anymore, for sure.
I hope Isabelle has the strength to leave this guy. Isabelle: he is dogging you. Don't sugar coat it. Have some self respect and walk away. Good Luck -you will be so much more free and better off.
Dear Isabella-stand firm and be brave. A gentle hug from me to you.
Thank you for sending your support to Isabelle and being part of our community!
Ashley@TeamFairy
I truly truly hate how the current hook-up culture pressures everyone to be the "cool girl" (regardless of gender). I won't be surprised if there are many people my age who didn't grow up with significant trauma, but became traumatized by the current dating culture and end up behaving like this.
I wonder about that too!
The "cool girl" trope does exist, at least among gay men. I've been in the position of the "cool guy" when someone I was involved with was having an emotional affair. I only found out when I applied pressure to see messages if it was totally innocent, as both parties were claiming. We were in a kind of open relationship, but we both had to agree, knowing we have different needs. I wanted more connection, he wanted more sex. But yeah, men experience it.
And I know it's circular and not the best argument, rhetorically, but "lying is lying" makes total sense to me. When my SO lied early on in our relationship, I brushed it under the rug, thinking that a bunch of little white lies were harmless. But when little lies transformed into bigger lies, it became grounds for divorce and possibly a defamation lawsuit.
He is a narcissist. There is no hope...walk away and never look back.
Anna, you said it!!! It is hard to hear but it needs to heard!!!!!
Reality check! Thanks Anna. â€ïž I just recently pulled the band aid off of a 1 year relationship that wasnât going anywhere I wanted to go. The term âfriendâ drives me crazy. The worlds term I guess for FWB. Not me. I want a monogamous relationship. One man. One women. On this journey of life, love & constant healing! đđŒ
Oh Isabel, I feel for you â€ïž thank u fairy for doing this video. Itâs so hard to see beyond the gaslighting they do on top of our own self gaslighting. Itâs so hard to overcome and we need to be validated and supported by those around us and in this community