Divorce | Ask Us Anything
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 22. 07. 2024
- Today, we're answering your questions about divorce, from dealing with the guilt, to whether or not staying married is better for your family. What other questions do you have for us? Ask them in the comments.
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00:00 Intro
00:40 How to deal with the guilt?
05:28 What's better for the kids?
08:59 How to manage expectations?
10:41 Some resources for you
#mendedlight #jonathandecker #askusanything #divorce
Hey all, Jonathan here. My apologies, there was a miscommunication with our creative team. I own that, I needed to keep a closer eye on things. This thumbnail should not have gone with this video, as it implies we're telling our story here. And while we do cover some of it, we are indeed having a full video series coming soon in which we share our experiences in the hope that they will help others. Those videos have already been shot.
But yes, we are divorced. Still friends. Still family. Still working together. We addressed our transition in a series of community posts, but I understand not everyone sees those. I invite you to read them here:
czcams.com/channels/AicfSzczJb_-nK6tW0TxHw.htmlcommunity?lb=UgkxoEeqLJbmS4-fVqsOWKEuYxYX7l16vLZ-
czcams.com/channels/AicfSzczJb_-nK6tW0TxHw.htmlcommunity?lb=UgkxeDV4frIQ73Vx8mckRy052WHuvEsZfinU
czcams.com/channels/AicfSzczJb_-nK6tW0TxHw.htmlcommunity?lb=Ugkx9uF9PM23jSf7BtwrZn4QHtxDZglH0U-5
As it's a holiday weekend here in the states, we're going to respect the time of our creative team, which means the thumbnail stands. I apologize to those for whom this is a shock. We love you and are grateful for you. We are doing well and are enjoying the processes of creating new material to support you in your journey. Thank you for standing by us in ours.
Good on you for respecting your team's personal time.
Also, thanks for another great video!
Fun fact: All 3 of my kids, including the one who has a hard time with any kind of change, was GLAD when my now-ex and I announced that we were breaking up. It was just the right thing to do!
Anyone who made their way here, wants you to practice self-compassion over this
I love how healthy you both are with your divorce. Iâm glad you can still make videos together and have such a positive relationship.
When I hear people say they're going stay together "for the sake of the kids," I tend to wonder about what kind of emotional burden it may eventually on the kids (who often tend to internalize stuff and blame themselves). Imagine, a few years later, learning that your parents stayed being unhappy or even miserable, and they did so because of you.
My parents stayed together for me, and I now look at them as the bravest, altruistic people I've ever known. And I love them and respect them for it
I think choosing to divorce is such a brave loving choice for parents, and as a child of divorce I thank parents that divorce to model hope and self love for the kids.
I WISH my parents had divorced. Instead, they stayed together even though it was toxic and painful. My personal relationship with my father was rife with realizations of his poisonous, self-serving, abusive nature. My mother was the enabler. And my male siblings learned the terrible behaviors and followed in his footsteps. My sister was victimized as was I, as was our youngest brother... It goes on and on.
My parents stayed married later on because his health took a downturn and she then felt obligated to take care of him. So so sad. I had hoped she would eventually break free, but she never did, and even THAT was psychologically damaging to us kids (as adults).
Please... if your relationship is toxic, GET OUT. Yes, it's best for the kids as well as you.
I resonate with a lot of this, and I'm so sorry you've gone through that.
My dad is a covert narc and serial cheater. By my parents staying together, I learned that it was normal to be a doormat perpetually turning the other cheek, and that people pleasing is how to interact with others. I don't know for sure how I would be different if they'd gotten divorced when I was a kid, but my guess is that I would have avoided (or at least recognized sooner) some of the emotional abuse I've faced in adulthood
@rebeccat715 I hear that loud and clear.
My first marriage was abusive, but I got out by the skin of my stubborn teeth. I think being a younger sibling, I saw the impacts up close and gained perspective early enough to recognize warning signs. But still...
Part of my ability to ward off that kind of malignancy I think came from my deep connection with my own unique spirituality and philosophical curiosity. I could seek answers from further afield as well as tap inner resources to access Love when I needed it most. Not sure if you believe in angels/guides/ancestors, etc. but I believe they had my back. So grateful.
@rebeccat715 Sorry to hear that you had a rough family environment as well. It's not easy. Glad you are here, being thoughtful and kind. That must feel good, and feed your self-love'o'meter.
This was hard to watch. I cannot imagine having to explain - or even obliquely reference - such a personal, private decision in front of such a large, public audience. Logically, I understand that some explanations are necessary because of the nature of this channel and Jonathanâs occupation, but every other part of me wishes such disclosures were not required. I respect the two of you for sharing your experience in the hopes that it will help others facing similar situations, but I do hope neither of you have felt forced to do so.
I will be honest, I have been deeply discouraged since finding out you two ended your marriage - but not because of the divorce itself. Relationships end every day, and even people who are intimately familiar with how our brains and emotions work are not immune to that reality. No, what is so depressing is how chill you guys seem to be whenever you mention your divorce - and yes, Iâm acutely aware of how ridiculous that sounds. No sane person would voluntarily bare their emotional turmoil for the world to see, and no compassionate person would expect such from anyone. But itâs felt so - I donât quite know the words to express this - like the message was âWeâre fine, itâs all fine - not just fine, weâre great!â Iâve felt so deficient as a human being because there is no way I could ever move on so fast or be so okay with such a heartbreaking development. But as always, comparison is the thief of joy. Just because you guys are so put-together and coping so perfectly with this doesnât mean everyone else has to grieve/move on in same way when their relationships end.
And that epiphany hit me when I saw that Jonathan had been crying because of this videoâs subject matter. It hasnât been âall sunshine and rainbowsâ and everything is not âfine,â but itâs a process and youâre doing the work to get through it. You didnât have to film that day. But you did. You didnât have to post this video. But you did. I feel much less alone and abnormal seeing that yes, a decision can be the right one - and still cause pain.
tl;dr: Thank you for being vulnerable and showing that itâs okay to be human.
Thank you for sharing this with us. To be clear, it's still hard and we have hard days. The reason things are so good now is because we went through a lot of pain to get here. A lot of perspective-taking, accountability, changed behavior, and forgiveness have gone into our healthy dynamic. We're put together, and we're coping well, but that hasn't always been the case, and it still isn't always. Watch our "Marriage Problems" playlist for all of that :) Love, light, and support to you. Thank you for seeing us.
@MendedLight You are too kind. I sincerely hope my comment didn't read as unkind or dismissive because that absolutely wasn't my intention.
I think what I both appreciate and struggle with the most about this topic and the upcoming video series you've already alluded to is that yours is probably the first and only real-life example I've ever seen of a relationship ending/changing in such a mutually respectful way. I've only ever experienced or witnessed such parting-of-the-ways being fraught with shouting, perpetual hurt feelings, and barely-contained animosity (such representation seems to be the "normal" in media too, to be honest). Just seeing the two of you in the same room conversing and laughing is both strange and painfully heartwarming, if that makes sense. I hope this explains a little better why I initially reacted as I did - it's no reflection on you two or how hard you're both working to find your new balance. I'm just grateful (and slightly nervous, not gonna lie) to see how two people who love each other can both end and redefine their relationship in a healthy, kind way. Thank you for opening my eyes to that possibility. It means a lot.
âNothing is truly a failure if you learn from itâ I think Iâm actually starting to believe that.
When I was 16 my best friend suffered a severe brain injury that completely changed her mentally and after years of tormenting myself to stay or go I ended up leaving that relationship because it was too hard. I was GUTTED because I thought, not only had failed my friend but if I couldnât stay with them in bad times I couldnât hope to do the same In marriage
Omg wow. Thatâs a tough situation. How long did you choose to maintain the relationship? Do you still keep in contact in some way?
@@signalfire15 1) 5 or 6 years (canât remember the exact amount)
2) no (it was all or nothing for me because I didnât want to hurt my best friend anymore then the situation naturally would)
It makes me sad to read these words as I lived through this same thing with my son who was in a serious motorcycle accident, suffering traumatic brain injury and temporary memory loss. He also lost just about all of his friends as it was tough to be around him when he either didn't know them or would have severe mood swings. None of this was his fault but he ended up losing just about everything, except us...his divorced parents.
@@moviemelody2210 I know itâs tough but friends do just naturally grow up and grow apart. You were very young as well. Donât be too hard on yourself. Even the friends who I am no longer close to, I do still contact even once a year just to say hello and that Iâm thinking about them and wishing them well. I donât think any of them dwell on what could have been but just knowing there is someone who cares enough to reach out in some capacity is meaningful. I hope one day youâll be able to forgive yourself and know that you made the best decision you could have at the time.
@@jgheart3018 Iâm so sorry this happened to your son. You are right that NONE of this was his fault and Iâm glad he has you and his father for support.
You guys set a standard for healthy marriage online. But for me, if you set a healthy standard for divorce, the world needs that just as much! â€â€â€â€â€â€â€â€ There is no credibility lost here, only credibility gainedâ€. Thank you for prioritizing healthy relationships over social norms and pressures. Also I think we all want to give John a hug đ€ lol. But we canât all do that, because the thousands of us would squash him. Lol. So we send you both virtual support, and we validate your struggle. In the end you will both be even stronger than you are now, and you will teach your children epic resilience â€â€â€â€â€
Thank you! I loved reading this!
I've seen divorce with kids be a positive thing, and a very negative thing but then again, in the negative situations, those couples being married was just as bad. The only real difference was the amount of conflict after the divorce. My mom said it best, the child should never be put in the middle, neither parent should badmouth or complain about the other parent in front of the children, children shouldn't be used by one parent as a tool to hurt the other person. They're human beings that exist separate from the situation between their parents and need to be treated that way.
You two are so brave and also mature to be "out here" with that topic at this point in time, when it's still relatively fresh. Those were very good points. I especially liked the question about "What's better for the kids". Cause as a kid from a divorce I can say I've only had a chance due to the divorce and even then, frankly, life can just be rough and people can live in places and circumstances where support isn't easy or even a good alternative compared to "both parents being their own sort of mess".
There's no one rule for this. So it's a great guideline to actually look for what type of solution grants most stability and ability to handle the conflicts.
I'm surprised and so sorry you guys are going through a divorce. It speaks highly of both of you that you are still using this incredible difficult time to continue to help others. This cannot have been easy.
I remember when I told my mom âIâd rather see you happy than marriedâ when I was a kid. And itâs so true! Now sheâs happily married to an amazing person and sheâs grown so much as a person! Divorce can be a really good thing, and I think itâs more important for kiddos to see their parents happy than to see them miserable in a marriage. Especially when they are told âwe are staying together for the kidsâ.
Ever have so much you wanted to say on a topic, but you just can't think of where to start? Yeah, that's this video lol.
Thank you, Jono and Alicia, for being so candid on this. We greatly appreciate it!
Guilt has always motivated me to better behavior, but it also has been a perpetual emotional anchor. I still ruminate ad nauseam about the mistakes I made. Itâs crippled my feelings of self-worth in all relationships.
As Dr.K would put it, it's one of those instances of using "bad fuel" for motivation. You may not get to move beyond those learned patterns if you do not first learn how to run your motivation with "good fuel" instead. For right now, working though the guilt would likely actually cost you too much an leave you at loss over how to run your life
â@@KxNOxUTAwell said.
It truly does destroy your motivation and quality of life, in so many areas in life.
We, the audience, do not know the details of your divorce. We do know that both of you have the knowledge of how to make a healthy marriage. I am hearing that things were not good to the point that there was contempt. It is hard to see the two of you doing the work now to be positive toward one another and being in a good place with one another, yet being in a state of divorce. Having been through a divorce, the unavoidable destruction, and for believers, giving up on the covenant, your outcome feels incongruous. My heart is with you both and your family as you strive to move forward. Thank you for the help that you give to others.
I'm wondering, how do I manage the pain of realizing that someone I loved deeply, never truly loved me back? I mean, I look back on how things started between us and I hear you talk about someone who doesn't know how to be alone, and I know, for sure, that I was some this person used to filled the void left behind (unintentionally) by the person she really loves. Thanks for your answer đđ
What do I do if my partner doesnât want to do couples counseling? I think we need it to improve our marriage/communication, he thinks our marriage is ânobodyâs businessâ and doesnât think couples counseling would help. đ
I would lay out what's not working and ask for your partner's solutions if they're not willing to try couples' counseling. Say "I'm happy to try it your way for x amount of time. If it works, great. If it doesn't, then I'd like to try couples' counseling." In my experience people who think like your partner have a lot of fear. Assuage the fear while drawing a clear boundary.
I feel guilty writing this, but a part of me wished my parents would divorce. There wasn't abuse or anything like that, but my parents would fight constantly. They'd call each other names, complain to me about the other parent, and yell at each other. My mom finds it strange that neither my brother or I are dating, but seeing the constant tension and bickering turned me off being in a relationship. I remember thinking, "Marriage makes you miserable. Why would I want that?" All this to say that staying together can have a negative effect. I'm by no means traumatized, but it's taken me until my mid twenties to consider that I might want to start dating, because I had this idea that being in a partnership meant being annoyed most of the time.
Watching our parentâs relationship 100% has an effect on us. My parents lived more like roommates, literally never showed affection. Maybe they did behind closed doors but I never saw it. I now struggle as an adult showing affection and receiving affection from others.
Have you any advice for leaving the nest, especially for young adults who have abusive and controlling parent(s)/guardian(s)? Avoiding falling into the unhealthy cycles when you get home, but needing to grow and be independently strong
Also thinking about this...
Not about ending of relationships but I am struggling with guilt over a car accident that injured me and my family only the accident was not my fault. I have a therapist and we are working on it but also welcoming new ideas. I seem to struggle also with therapy as a sport which leads to superficial healing. I do practice compassion but self compassion is still clearly a struggle probably because it is superficial?
If your family member were in your situation, you'd want them to embrace self-compassion, right?
If therapy leaves you to stay at the surface then you may not be ready yet or not with the right method or therapist yet. You should absolutely bring up with your therapist that you'd like to be further than you currently are. You could even explore with them what your expectations are when it comes to where you'd like to be, by the time you are through with your healing process.
It's not exactly the sort of thing that you can "move on" from. If it had lasting effects, then it'll be normal to have sorrow sometimes about "what could have been". And another question is, if you are currently watching out for the unique chances that you all encounter, because you had such an experience. If you'll be "a changed person" afterwards anyway, then you might as well try to live your best WITH the changes. While also embracing that there's grief.
My parents split for short periods of time a few times before they finally split for good when we were all adults. My brother told me he was grateful they stayed together "for the kids" and he did the same thing in his marriage/family. I told him I was resentful that they stayed together because the tension was obvious, even though we didn't have any blatant violence/abuse. Yet I felt they were so wrapped up in their own pretending that there was nothing left for us. I never felt loved or wanted ever in my life and currently have no contact with any of my family.
Has the video series about your divorce come out yet? I'm curious about it but I haven't seen anything specifically about it yet
What??? They are not a married couple...to each other???
@@jgheart3018 Check their community tab, they did announce that they got divorced a while ago. But they still work together and care about each other and co-parent
@jgheart3018 They were married for many, many years but have since divorced. There will be a video series releasing where it will be talked about more in depth out at some point. Their goal is to maintain friendship and keep things cordial for both them and the kids đ.
I appreciate you both so much
When children are involved in a divorce, is it better to discuss it with them separately or together? And when parents say bad things about their divorced partners to their children, how can that impact how children form relationships in the future?
To the second question - my mom used to talk negatively about my father all the time and it made me resent her. Even though she no longer loved my father, I still did. Someone talking badly about someone you love is always going to hurt.
Frankly, talking badly about others never reflects good on us X'D There is a difference between badmouthing others vs. speaking about the reality of the situation for the sake of processing it or to develop a plan how to handle future instances of difficult behaviours.
The crucial part is actually to ask children how they perceive behaviours and to let them decide what they make of it. And to give them space to express what they enjoy and struggle with in regards to one's own behaviour and that of the other person(s) involved. It's more about non-judgemental exploration with them, than trying to manipulate them like they aren't their own ppl needing to learn discernment and behaviours "to live and let live".
Ofcourse any form of abuse if a whole different story. That must be owned by the ppl showing abusive behaviours BUT: ppl can treat individuals differently so kids may not share their parent's experience with the other parent. And the one to decide if behaviour qualifies as abuse is the child, though it's possible to talk through with them if they would tolerate same behaviour from e.g. a random stranger whom they do not have attachments to.
Thank you for your video! :)
I like âif youâre a god personâ as a way to make space for people and their faith while recognizing that not everyone leads with faith
Someone claimed that the greatest gift she could give her children was a happy mother, because as divorced she could do more things. Another claimed that the children just want the parents to live together but that wont happen, and was honest with that her divorce was not for the childrens benefit.
It actually depends on the case and - way more importantly - on the support system and access to support ppl have available.
Thank you
Oh gosh... when is YOUR video coming though?? I cant wait for that! Also... when is the co-parenting video coming?
đ
You two guys are divorced?????
Yes they announced it. Check the community tab.
We are. Please see the pinned comment and attached community posts. Videos on the way! My apologies about the shock.
@@MendedLight oh no, I am just so sorry. I hope you'll do great. I hope everything works out.
â@@AnnieTangerine8714 it's been a few months now, and considering that they've made numerous videos since that time, they still seem able to work well together
I did not knooww!!! đ±đ
Great video and off topic, how about the whole femininity/masculinity debate on CZcams?
the most hurtful thing parents can do to their children is alienate them from a parent, this can happen in divorce or unhappily married. Dont. Do. That. Let kids have the relationship and know they can connect to both parents at all times. I hate to see parents put rules around It's my time, you're with me so can't interact with the other parent. as long as kids feel loved AND connected to their parents then divorce will not harm them.
How can you move forward when one child âchoosesâ one parent over the other?
When will you make the series about your divorce? :)
You guys are divorced? đą When did this happen? Iâm confused
They posted something under their channel's "Community" tab if you want to go look at it. They posted it a few months ago.
@@monkeyteehee0444 oh my gosh, thank you. Iâm so sad to hear this. I thought I was misinterpreting their videos!
â@@erikavaleries you're welcome! Hopefully they'll post a video addressing it soon since a lot of people seem confised about their marital status. I only know because their Community tab posts also show up in my subscriptions feed.
We are. Please see my pinned comment on this video and the attached community posts. It will clear everything up. We're in a very healthy place. Video series coming soon. Decision was made last November, with the divorce finalized May 1st of this year. We took our time with the transition to best support our family through it.
What if a spouse is Gay
Then you love them and support them, as they for you, in the decision that is most supportive for both of you and each of you.
I"m confused....are you getting a divorce?
They are divorced
@@moviemelody2210 where have I been? Iâve been following this channel for a long time and I hadnât realized that. I must have missed that. Pretty important detail there. Iâm surprised they didnât mention that in an official capacity.
ââ@@dianaheilman5163please see the pinned comment. We have mentioned it in an official capacity several timesđ We will be speaking more in depth in upcoming videos
Started watching during covid, Alicia looks so much relaxed now. Always wondered how 2 drastically different, polar opposite people could live together.
How can you sit in front of the person whose heart you broke, who still cries about it and carries the pain, and still purport to be friends and business partners with that person? To me, it all feels too much like a show of bravado. I love your show and I love your funny takes on things, but I can't wrap my head around this (and it's not my business to analyse it, I know, I'm just wondering how it works - being friends as recent divorcees).
Great question! We've got some videos sharing our experiences coming soon that will shed some light :)
I recently broke up with my partner. And since the breakup the pressure is off. No more frustration about "why can't we make this work?", and that made us better friends. So yes, there is a great amount of sadness. We each have a broken heart. But at the same time we can get along much better. That's not a show, we're not youtubers ;)
I can imagine it seems strange if you haven't been in that situation. But I believe they are being genuine here
I can't help but think that it could be challenging for future romantic partners to see the two of you working together. Would you set any kind of boundaries regarding your relationship in order to respect a new relationship? What would that look like?
are you really divorce or...?
Yes they are really divorced.
You're a villain (you said there's no villain but if there were it would be you...and you weren't corrected) because you had fears and insecurities?
im pretty sure what that meant was that his fears and insecurities that hed carried into the relationship manifested in ways that caused damage to their relationship that needed to be appropriately dealt with. In fact thats exactly what he said
Unfortunately it doesn't take a bad person to deal damage. In fact most damage is done by ppl who are overall genuinely good ppl but insecure, indecisive, obnoxious, overwhelmed, overly enthusiastic to "help" and "fix" stuff, and the list goes on, really.
When ppl are not internally OK and/or not in good touch with how they affect their surroundings, it easily creates hurt and chaos. Which is - to a degree - not avoidable by the sheer matter of fact that ppl are different. But the closer you are and the longer you are close, the more likely it is, that these things wreck havoc on relationships if they stay unchecked, unprocessed, unsaid etc.
It's not so much a problem to have struggles. It's how we do manage them or avoid even acknowledging them, that make all the difference. Not just within ourselves, but also how good ppl around us are at managing their responses, too.
Wait she is Beautiful
What does that have to do with anything?
She is. Inside and out. - Jonathan
Being around Alicia all the time has to be tough. Tell her to go get another job đ
I think if it was, they would have come up with a different post-divorce arrangement. Also, Alicia does have another job (they both do), she just also does CZcams.
It's no tougher than being around me all the time. - Jonathan
Disappointing. I think marriage is about commitment and divorce shows lack of commitment. Sure you claimed healthy marriage which obviously it wasn't cuz you're divorced but now you're about convincing people you can have a healthy marriage and still get divorced? Paint divorce however you wish (it's all good as long as the divorce is healthy), it still is separation and division and selfishness on the parents part. I feel for your children especially when you both start dating other people. Don't want to hear how it's best for the children and everyone and you're committed to having a healthy divorce. So why are you more committed to your divorce than your marriage and how long will that commitment last?
No.
She wants other dudes... thatâs 90% of the time the answer
She wants her dude to step up and be a good, responsible, loyal, emotionally-mature partner. That's most of it. đ
Hey, I'm so sorry you've had this experience
Maybe she wants better dudes? Relationships and divorce always involves two people. And what about all the dudes who want other women and cheat?