Effective ways to DETACH from someone - The HEALTHY way - Adam Lane Smith.
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- čas přidán 25. 02. 2022
- Learn more about Adam here: linktr.ee/AdamLaneSmith
"Adam, how to I DETACH from someone I don't like anymore?"
Attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith hears this question all the time. People break up but can't get over their ex. Or an old friend hurt them, but they can't stop wishing to reconcile. Attachment is great when the other person is healthy. But when they're hurtful, it makes you want to run away. Is there a method?
Adam shows you that there is. Detaching from a certain person sounds hard when you don't know what to do. But disconnecting emotionally from a hurtful person can be managed with proper steps. It's all about knowing what to do. In this video guide, Adam shows you how to separate mentally and emotionally from someone in your past so you can move on with your life without constant pain.
This video is part of an ongoing series about attachment.
You know how to attach. So how do you DETACH? Unwanted emotional attachments cause a lot of pain. This is especially true when it's your ex, an abusive family member, or an old friend who betrayed you. If you want to get over someone and separate emotionally and mentally so you stop thinking about them, this video is for you.
#attachment #adamlanesmith #attachmentspecialist #attachmentstyles
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►Slaying Your Fear: A guide for people who grapple with insecurity.
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The more I listen to your presentations, the more I'm convinced that love songs and romanticism are founded on unhealthy attachment.
Many of them are, unfortunately. But we romanticize the most unhealthy aspects because they often MIMIC healthy relationships. That mimicry just cannot last forever.
So true so true ..dam those 80s love ballads
I agree! And if taken seriously, they can be just as harmful as Corn.
It's 3am and I can't get back to sleep. I'm going through exactly that: I just can't let it go off someone even though I've suffered a lot and grieving the life it could had been. This video was what I needed to hear.
I’m glad this video was ready for you when you needed it. Did you get back to sleep?
Been there lately as well. Never had this amount of anxiety ever before... Im very happy that I found some podcasts with Adam and now Im fixing my attachment problems.
@@AttachmentAdam Not on the same day. But the last two nights have been much better. Thanks for asking!
How it ended?
@@ThisIsTBChannel Still going on... In couple therapy for almost two years, things are maybe turning a corner now.
I should not be surprised anymore but every time I watch one of these videos, I get the feeling like you are in my head! You are doing an amazing service to many people out here in internet land Mr. Smith and I thank you (also I can't wait for your book to get here! Hurry up Amazon!)
Hey Felix, thanks for buying my book, you're going to love it. It's short but punchy and meant to be read and implemented fast. I just got off a coaching call with someone crying after having read it, so read it somewhere with privacy in case it hits you hard.
What type of relationships in your life are you looking to work on first?
I’ve stopped texting a guy who has been confusing me for 3 years, am just realising that there is no confusion, he’s getting exactly what he needs from me and I’m getting 20%. I bet I will hear from him in the next couple of days saying ‘you’ve been quiet, are you ok?’ which I always took as a sign he’s interested but what it really means is ‘you haven’t come to see me lately or brought me cake or given me cuddles, what’s up?’. He’s mentioned at least 3 different things we should do together but then they never get mentioned again unless I want to bring it up or organise it (thus making sure I’m asking him and risking rejection again). Sucky thing is we get on so well and easily but he’s so selfish and I’m done with just turning up for him.
Glad to hear you had this realization. There is no confusion, you're right. He got what he wanted. Time for you to find what YOU want.
I'm just finally ending a very similar toxic relationship with a man who also cannot see beyond his own needs - and my always meeting those on his terms. My feelings, needs and boundaries were ignored. Attempts at communication were pointless because it never even registered in his brain that I was entitled to anything other than serving his needs. As long as he was happy that's all that mattered. And he isn't a narcissist. Just deeply wounded, abandoned and traumatized and he has zero interest in admitting it let alone healing. So now I'm looking inward and working on why I allowed this. Ughh. Hope you are free of him and healing.
@@karenblack2869ah mate, hugs! This almost made me cry, so similar! My guy admits he has issues but has no intention of fixing them, even said that’s just how he is 🫤. Like yours, he isn’t a bad guy, if I needed him for anything serious I know he’d be there which makes it even more frustrating in a way but he’s kind of in love with the ‘lone wolf’ status too so the ego is there. Ain’t no getting past that 😂
Sounds EXACTLY like the guy I’m dealing with😔
@@karenblack2869 I’m not free of him yet no. I stepped back and he started texting more and followed through on a promise finally and said sorry for not doing so previously. I think he cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me but also gives me just enough to keep me around (possibly for his own ego, to keep me from finding someone new or possibly because I’m separate from his friend group (I’ve met them all) and I’m quite the opposite of them so I think I fulfil a different role). It’s usually just the two of us going kayaking and getting away from the noise. This would be a ton easier if he was an obviously toxic person who I hadn’t built a genuine friendship with for 4 years and makes me feel calm.
I have made more effort to make female friends which is going great so starting to have a more rounded life and moving away from him naturally there. I’m letting him do the initiating with texts/calls which he has been but I am now aware of the role I’m playing in his life and it’s just a bit-part when I would like more (he knows this). I’m also noticing how he refuses to communicate about the serious stuff which is turning me off now so I can feel myself detaching and would no longer feel guilty if someone else asked me on a date 😃 although I’m not fussed enough to go on apps yet! I’ve been on my own most of my life so am fine with being solo for the most part.
I do struggle with thinking I deserve something good as I’ve never been put first in any relationship so it seems like an unrealistic fantasy to me. But I guess you attract what you accept. Getting there but it’s slow process 😅
How are you doing now?
My goodness, I just stumbled upon your video and you just now. I'm going to watch this over and over and over and over until it sinks in. Such a powerful message and what a blessing to see someone actually has the knowledge and the depth as you did. It's not just a video, it's the realness and the care to help someone that suffers. Thank you again. This stuff is so debilitating.
Excellent, as always!
Thanks!
Definitely needed this right now. I’ve been watching a lot of your videos and they’ve done so much for me. Today was a hard day but this is what I needed to hear. Thank you for doing what you do! You’re saving me!
I’m glad my work can be there when you need it. Stay strong and don’t give up the fight.
Always good to see you and hear your voice. Hope you are getting enough sleep.
Learning to do without! It’s the newborn parenting way. 🤣
So well said! TRUTH!
I'm glad this one hit!
Dear Adam, I am very grateful for finding this video from you and I needed this. I just want to say thank you so much. This video is very helpful. Thank you again for being such an amazing reminder that love doesn't have to come from one person.
I’m grateful that my work is helpful to you. Thank you for watching.
Thank you Adam, it really helped to hear this message ❤
You are so welcome. And let me know if you need help with this topic, I'm here to assist.
Thank you, I love your work
Thanks, I’m glad to be helpful. 👍
For the algorithm thanks for another great video.
Thanks for watching!
Oh my gosh, I've heard these types of examples from men. Very random, good memories that they remember years and years ago!! I'm like, you remember that?! And I've heard the crazy stuff too...like concentrating on some good things and glossing over the crappy stuff.
Oh yes, this is a very real thing! Holding onto those old memories for that long is a huge indicator that they haven't got their needs met in the years or even decades in between. It's sad, but so real.
i like ur humor also thank you for sharing
Glad to hear we share a sense of humor 🤣 Thanks for watching!
I thought that about my ex husband....He was a narc class A. I realized I was trauma bonded and it was toxic. 4 years later I'm happier without him...
I'm happy to hear you were able to make the right decision for yourself. What was the way you coped? Did you have a helpful support system or was it something else?
Thank you (so much) 🙏🏽
You're so welcome!
Thank you. This has really helped me.
I’m glad. Any part in particular resonate with you?
@@AttachmentAdamThanks for your reply. Pretty much all of what you said was spot on.
Lack of dopamine from parents.
She was the first to give me "that feeling"
Like a death with no closure.
Getting out and finding my own dopamine bonds is exactly what's needed. 👍
Epic content. Hit the nail on the head. Question: how to deprogramme oneself best into abundance mindset?
MUST fix the attachment issues to become fully secure and then see opportunities instead of endless risks.
Nice vid🙏💜
Appreciate your kind words 🙏💜
Just thanks!
Happy to help!
ugh this hits me to the gut like a liver shot, thanks Adam for your content
6:46 you LITERALLY and I mean LITTERALY described something that happened to me about a few weeks ago on Discord.
Gosh dang. The timing on video Adam. What the crap.
Did this help it make more sense?
It did! The person who I was friends with helped me with one of my art passions; music production. I have a very hard time with musoc theory but it started to come together with his and 2 other people's help big time. Plus he was someone to talk to and vent to at times and always made it out to be like a good close buddy. However I guess was wrobg amd certainly feels like a death. Because it was really out of the blue. No warning, not even with regards to a DM or whatever. So it might as well be like someone you said "I'll talk to you tomorrow!" then tomorrow he was in a car crash.
I think the only thing I need to really do is find IRL places that have the kinds of things I did there. Which so far having a tough time with. Maybe just need to use different ways of searching I guess.
Holy shit. This is literally exactly what I'm going through
Yes it's very painful, how are you doing with it so far?
I always struggle with these videos because she had a secure attachment and i had an avoidant. She broke up with me
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope these videos can at least give you an understanding and put you on the right path to become secure too so you can build fulfilling connections. How long has it been since you broke up?
I am distraught because I need to detach from my daughter . She has verbally abused me for years and I allowed myself to be manipulated by her in order to spend time with my young grandchildren. She will at times keep them from me if she is angry or wants to punish. How do I detach from my daughter , but not lose my grandchildren. I have been staying in this relationship and have been pretty strong . But the strength has run out and I am
I’m a dark place where I think of not being here
I am so sorry to hear this is happening. I have found one of the best ways to navigate challenging situations like yours is to learn how to apply boundaries in a way that invites people into a healthier relationship rather than just throwing up walls. How are you doing so far with applying and displaying boundaries in this way?
lesson is at 10:40
👍
It's not that I couldn't find it again. I just don't want to 😢
Way about how to fix an unhealthy attachment to an ex so you can rebuild a new better one with them? We have a child and I want to fix things but my issue is my attachment and being too concerned with what others are doing and not my own interests
For that I wrote a 3 hour audiobook for $7. Change your life in one evening. www.amazon.com/dp/B07SW1ML6N
Oh god she’s moved on with someone else and ive got closure by trying my best to get her back but I still feel I want to try by promising to spend the rest of our lives together
Sounds like an awful hell
Adam,
The last few minutes sounds a lot like Avoidant Attachment, not relying on anyone else, being happy on your own, not needing others...
How do I reconcile this difference?
How do I detach but still cherish memories? I divorced my ex but in the process lost my stepson of 13 years. Still grieving him not in my life anymore. While I am over my ex, dating other people, etc. nothing fills the void of losing contact with my stepson and loss of stepmom role
Grief like this can be normal, but it sounds like this goes deeper. How do you feel about scheduling a coaching session with me so we can talk about this and help you overcome this grief, and build something even better in your life going forward? calendly.com/adamlanesmith/individual-attachment-consult
I have a hard time making health boundaries with others and myself toward them.
I am not sure when to cut contact with bad people, or how to dial back with good.
On bad: they're not beating me
On good: Communication dump. Retreat. Repeat.
For a while I had some weird daydreams about going back to paedophile. Like the severe abuse would have been better than the cold shoulder and confusion with everyone else. And weird feelings.
I've got other videos on how to tell exactly when the relationship is too toxic to save and when you should get out.
My problem is i don’t want him, he’s a big red flag, he comes in and out I’ve allowed it, I’m frustrated with myself for allowing it and why I’m attached when I don’t want him, be realised I’ve father issues and that’s what I need to let go of,ironically him coming back in my life as we first met 9 years ago, was at the same time I once and for all disconnected from my father
It's completely understandable that you're frustrated. This on-again, off-again dynamic can be very confusing and emotionally draining. What are some specific ways you'd like to see your relationships look different in the future?
Dear Adam, thank you so much for these endlessly helpful and insightful videos. At the end you said that you wrote a book on attachment for 5$ on Amazon, however I can’t seem to find it anywhere, but would really like to buy it (although maybe the problem is that I’m in Europe?). Could you maybe post a link or tell me how I could purchase it?🙏🙏
The book is called Slaying Your Fear. Here’s the UK link, not sure which country you’re in. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B07S33YGJZ
It's a bit embarrassing, but I got attached to a girl online. Subjectively she seemed to me like she was out of my league, at least based on where I'm currently at. I've been talking casually to a few other women that I'm not super into, but the other is still on my mind. We talked for 2 years and got fairly close, at least by my standards.
Hey there, it's understandable to feel attached to someone you've connected with online, even if they seem out of your league. It sounds like you had a meaningful connection with this girl over the past two years. Have you considered sharing your feelings with her or exploring the possibility of taking things further? Let me know how you're doing and if you'd like to talk more about it.
@@AttachmentAdam Thanks for the reply. I got carried away with my first draft, so I’ll try to summarize.
It started off anonymous and meaningless (reddit), so I was pretty open about finding her attractive from the start. I only sent her one picture because I didn’t think I matched her preferences. She replied, “that’s pretty much what I expected”. I was open about liking her and feeling attached to her.
For the most part, I don’t think she reciprocated. I felt pretty strongly that I was more attached than her. She identified as aromantic, and described not really getting attached to people or being affected by breakups.
We ended on good terms, and in our last conversation I asked her if she’d at any point been interested in me. She said she didn’t get interested in people over the internet. Even though the bulk of the evidence seems to agree with that, my mind really gravitates towards her positive traits, the way she handled stress/conflict, and the times I felt there was some kind of mutual connection, or the time she said “I wonder if you’ve imagined fucking me”. It’s now been ~2 months of no contact.
I’m doing decently well. I don’t have any trouble with mood or lingering emotions, but my life has reached a point of stagnation.
It's understandable that you developed feelings for her, even if she seemed out of your league; it seems like you had mixed signals and uncertain reciprocation from her.
It's important to respect her boundaries and take her words at face value. To detach from someone, it can be helpful to focus on self-improvement and exploring new opportunities in your own life to break the stagnation.
What resources will you use to move forward and create positive changes in your life?
@@AttachmentAdam I'll be moving to a bigger city with more job opportunities soon, and I've also been talking to a couple people for career help. My own indecisiveness is probably the biggest obstacle.
I probably won't be looking for any serious relationships until I have a more concrete direction/results career wise. But I feel somewhat lacking in my skills to attract and retain a woman's romantic/sexual interest. I seem to do fine in female friendships.
The pain isn’t going- when he pulls away I breakdown to a very low place
“When he pulls away” doesn’t sound like you’ve made a clean break.
Why do I feel like the person is keeping me in limbo? Like should I tell him it’s over or should I talk to him about the future? I don’t know
Sometimes they do this to play the clock and get you to come back without boundaries. Is that happening?
Not yet, its been 4 yrs he does this one a year where he needs space. It other times he is always available. For someone who is avoidant he is emotionally available.
I can text him something important and he will make time. The little things he can’t do. He used to check in. That has disappeared.
You can almost blame the myth of true love for the scarcity mind set because it tell us there’s only the one that one person
The Disney romance story is one symptom of a larger cause, but yes
Oneites
a *cute attachment specialist
Thank you 🤣
Adam …if you text a man and doesn’t reply ..48 hours later. Why would a woman text him ? He’s clearly not interested right?
What stage of the relationship are you in?
Seeing each other 3 months