How to Validate Yourself - stop needing others to confirm your worth! 🌞🌿
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- čas přidán 30. 07. 2024
- Join me today as I dive into exploring why I so deeply seek external validation! This is absolutely something I continually struggle with, especially in a state of stress and emotional struggles.
How does this show up in your life now versus when you were younger?
JOIN MY UNMASKING PROGRAM for $15: hayley-honeyman.mykajabi.com/...
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction
01:00 What is wrong with external validation?
04:30 Solutions
10:07 Trying is Out
10:45 You are Not Your Past Self
15:15 Challenge for YOU - Zábava
Thank you for making your course a reasonable price and NOT a subscription. Genuinely.
Yes!! Affordable access to information and support is SO IMPORTANT
yes!!!! I don't mind paying good money for useful things but subscriptions are so fkn annoying and unnecessary!!
Omg love to hear that it's affordable. I'll try to save cause I could really use your courses. Your videos have been so helpful tbh.
I also want to say thank you for not charging a ridiculous amount/subscription for your programs. Your burnout program has been really helping me and I’d have really missed out on that if the cost had been much higher (as some content creators charge A LOT more). Your free and paid content is super valuable but it’s clear that you also value your audience and those of us who are neurodivergent and may not always be the best with finances!! 😅
I’m so glad to hear that!! 🥺💛 thank you for the support!
Your content has really been helping me feel more comfortable with all my (not so nice) ADHD symptoms. Thank you for that! And for this video
Thank you for being here!! 💛💛💛
Thanks for being vulnerable about this! Many of us, myself included, struggle with the same thing!
I do think that part of our struggle is this hyper-individualistic culture that insists we have to do everything on our own, when that isn’t how most human cultures have historically worked and it’s not conducive to lasting happiness.
It IS still important to have an inner voice, a set of goals and values driving you forward. But it’s also normal to need a certain amount of external validation and mutual social support.
Humans are uniquely adaptable to a variety of survival situations, mostly because we are a) capable of reason-based problem solving and b) capable of forming strong, stable social groups. Sometimes when societies favor one of these traits too strongly, they neglect the other one.
Hyper-individualism emphasizes our ability to create technology, to be self-reliant (don’t get me started on the U.S. and its cultural mythos around guns), to be an “alpha male” and not care about the struggles of others, as long as you have the hope of being rich someday.
Hyper-collectivism can also be oppressive, discouraging sociopolitical dissonance and rigidly adhering to conformity and convention. But outside of cults, most people living in post-colonial, late-stage capitalism are nowhere close to this social model.
A balanced approach would be interdependence - not lone wolf and not hive mind. Having our own goals and values, while being able to help others and feel purposeful in our community, seems to make most people the happiest.
❤
Hmm, I really liked that last part about unmasking. I've always had trouble accepting positive feedback or compliments and this makes me wonder if it is because I'm getting complimented on behaviour that's actually a form of masking 🤔
Another great and thought provoking video Hayley! Thank you 🙏
Hmm interesting I think that may be true for me too. Thanks for sharing.
Learning about "self-loathing" changed my life (and the way I view validation). It's a normal effect of trauma. One of the best antidotes is finding and focusing on your values (health, community, spirituality, etc). Learning self-validation takes practice, don't give up! ❤❤❤
The feedback vs. criticism talk is something I wanted to describe to people but never had the words for doing. Thanks to you now I can explain what goes on in my head. I always get angry at people around me because of the way they point out my mistakes to me, but I was never able to word what was wrong with their way of talking to me. Now I understand, I get angry because no one around me ever gives me feedback, they respond to my acts with criticism (and you know the kind of criticism from family where they are like "what will you do with/in life you can't do a simple thing").
Also this will be something I will notice in people now, whether they naturally lean towards giving feedback, or do they notice something wrong and criticize. It's like a red flag if you understand what I'm saying...
100 different ways that you are supported list: you will be surprised, when you start looking, how many you will find!! You'll be excited to add them to your list when you get back home. (Unless your list is digital. Then you can just talk-to-text them into your list)
Definitely a sign I need to start doing better for myself. I suck at it because I'm scared to say I didn't do well. Even more I'm scared to say I didn't do well even tho I tried my hardest.
Then you did really well at trying your best. Maybe that's a strength ❤
I needed this. I’ve been feeling so empty because I don’t know how to be alone and not need external validation. This made me feel seen and I needed the advice thank you
Love your green lights for St. Patrick's day!
I haven’t even watched the video yet but I felt so seen in the first 3 seconds reading “watch this on 1.25x speed” I literally watch every YT video on 1.25x or faster 🥲
This video is incredibly thoughtful! I really like the way you presented Parts Work ( 12:33 ) as I’ve only recently dipped my toes in this subject and the idea of validating a past version of myself feels weird.
Thanks for a wonderful video! I love the green theme, how appropriate and adorable!
Feedback vs Problem. That's such a huge think to recognize the difference between 🤔
I have Dissociative identity disorder. Learning what was triggering, hurting, my alters was hard. It helped me learn though why they were there and it helps with our healing. And learning who I specifically was through weaving through that web, and unmasking my own, and their, masks. It was crazy learning myself 😅
I love the fluorescent colours they come in, very tempting
Hoooo my god thank you so much for bringing up the neurospicy crew, around the beginning I was thinking about ways I do and don’t seek external validation and wasn’t sure how much of this actually applies. All my life until now I just did as I was told to points where I never learned to make my own decisions because I was scared my decision that I was confident in in the moment would be wrong and mess up for other people around me (usually having to do with vague instructions but sometimes it’s just me trying to be the most reliable person to make up for the ways I failed people) I still feel this cloud over me regardless of if the person thinks ill of my life choices or not even though I know fully well now that I need to take on life at my own pace and meet myself where I am now as well as in Highschool or as a child. Thank you for this video I hope you’re doing well!
I think it's important to feel valued as you are externally, but it's like one of those things that when you SEEK it, it's cringe and damaging, and you're altering your behaviors and yourself for it, rather than being your authentic self and getting affirmation unprompted.
It's funny, I think I always had a good sense of what is and isn't constructive criticism is being bullied as a kid. Since I've been attacked over every single personal target point possible, I know when my work is getting critiqued it's not about me as a failure.
I don't recommend this method for anyone. It sucked getting through it.
Can confirm
0:07 what did the cat do to you?
I do that to my cats too lol, they really like it, it's like they are dogs
He loves it 😂
Thanks for your honesty and sharing this. Wildly relevant and appreciated 😂❤
Thank you, you're always motivating and validating ❤ ❤ ❤ we love you
Thank you...i needed to hear this and cry. Thank you
What luck, as soon as I started feeling like I needed to know how to validate myself this video popped up, thank you! :]
I’ve never watched at 1.25x before this video. I had to check to see if it wasn’t in normal.
Thanks for this video. I did not take the time to write down 100 ways in which I am supported, but I've earmarked it for a future journaling prompt.
Oh man if I wrote down every single thing that hurt me ever I would be so overwhelmed 😅 but a good point
My brother uninvited me from his wedding which was two weeks ago.
Did I seek outside validation immediately? Yes.
It felt like I'd been punched in the guts.
I know I'm not at fault, but I'm still not okay about what he has done.
And he blocked me, and I did nothing to deserve it.
I think the external validation is a necessary aspect of bouncing off other people for developing ideas & finding vindication and refrain where required...
Aren't you supposed to uninvite people before the event, not 2 weeks after?
@@Baptized_in_Fire. He did.
@@igitha..._ oh
If I were to get a course for anything mental health related it would be yours !!! For sure
Something related I've done for a long time is I "pay forward" self-validation, calmness, and/or kindness to a future self. If I'm feeling good or caring, I imagine packing those thoughts and emotions into a parcel or time capsule. Then, when things get rough and I need that support, I can open the package up and see that *someone* cares about my well-being
Also, I'm happy to know other people have "mirror time" to validate/pep talk yourself lmao
WOW...a lot of this hit home!!! It's all me!! So sad...gonna work on this!
I love this 😀 ❤so insightful
9:39 ayeee y’all are cute, never knew your brother helped you out that’s sweet!
Hi Haley, thank you so much for all of your videos. Whilst I haven't received a diagnosis, your videos have helped me to understand myself and ways to manage it. That being said, I was wondering if you could create a video on the best tips to explaining your symptoms? One of the questions in my assessment is to describe my symptoms and I am struggling a lot more than I thought I would to answer this. I would appreciate it so much! Thank you
Your videos are so helpful thank you
None of us are good enough for cats! 😹 😝
Amazing vid! Thanks! :D
Edit: 9:23 & 10:22 - 😂🤣🤣🤣
The cat-slapping... from someone who owns a cat.... 😂 Bless. I'm sure they love it.
me tooo🥲 hayley i watch your videos everyday and i- really YOU HELP ME SO MUCH its like ah finally i have similar struggle to someone ❤
💙 I enjoy you and your brother seems fun too (not criticizing or intending validation, just thought you should know) 😆
Seeking external validation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria seem to go hand in hand. It is so tiring!
(Honeyman is a surname in my family too :-) )
The challenge almost made me tear up, just the idea of it, lol. Sooo, I'll be trying it for the next days. Just hope I don't forget 😂
I've reached the point where I do ask myself what I want to hear. And I've learned not to rely on my best friends to give me validation.
Not caring for external opinions constructive or otherwise without being given calm, rational proactive reasoning and suggestions for immediate improvement that is actually possible by me with my means and resources, otherwise I'm back to not caring. Under most circumstances at least, admittedly just get irritated when I'm given unwanted critique and no active solutions within my limitations or resources. But I'll typically keep quiet and try to put my best foot forward unless it's scathing and obviously trying to put me down, in which case it's ignored, and ignored and ignored. Don't feed the emotionally stunted bears...
You're beautiful, you're intelligent , You're funny , You're caring , You're loving , You're a beautiful person ♥️
I think, after watching this, my biggest problem is not external validation (even if I do it sometimes), its more self neglecting. But I have a feeling this could help, so thsnk you ❤
thank you for all of your youtube videos i was recently diagnosed with autism but have been diagnosed with adhd longer and really never considered how much they pair together and how adhd is something serious that i can do things to help besides just medication THANK YOU
Refusing requests that I usually just automatically accept is going to be a tough one... I might need to learn the death stare that catto is giving the camera at 16:00, so ppl know I'm serious when I tell them "no", lol 😾😅
😂 he’s such an angry cat lol
I would really appreciate a rephrasing of bad as unhelpful/ineffective/unsustainable
Hi Haley!! Big fan- I just paid for this course but haven’t received an email or found a way to make an account. The contact page is null so this is all I could think of 😂
The video at 3:30 that says you get lost in the thoughts of others is wrong. That person gets lost in their own perception of the thoughts of others.
Hey! I'm early!
Is your unmasking course available to watch anytime, or is there a time limit that it will be unavailable after a certain amount of time or after a specific date? Your introduction video said January, so I was just wondering if there was a time limit. Thank you. Great video as always. I am recently having more and more problems and distress over external validation, especially from my mom, who I have been trying to work up the courage to tell her of my AuDHD.
You can purchase whenever and watch whenever!
00:15 my need for external validation and RSD is so bad I often cry when cats don’t want to be with me 😂
Is the unmasking course completely self-paced? How can we make the most out of it?
I'm not as big a fan of the Write-Down-Support-Systems exercise. Because if you truly do not have anything or anyone, this makes you feel unnesscessarily stressed and pressured and even more alone 😢
Hi, I tried to join the unmasking course but I received an immediate refund and didn’t get an email or anything. Can I not join cause I’m in the UK?
On the topic of masking: I feel like it's not okay for me to be unmasked communication wise. I've unmasked in a lot of other areas by this point but can't seem to figure this area out in a way that feels authentic to me while being "acceptable" to partners, friends, and work environments. I'm often thinking of how to communicate in an "acceptable" way and struggle to trust myself. It's the one area I still feel I need external validation to know if I did it right. Do you address this specific struggle in any of your videos or your courses?
I even have a degree in communication and work in a communication heavy filed, so it's not like I haven't focused on this my entire life. I used to say when asked "I studied communication because I suck at it and need to get better." 😅
2x speed, and it's me not you 🙃💜 thank you for some things to think about.
Green for leprechaun Day 🍀
This is SO hard. I'm 53 and still this is a problem with partners.
Can u show us how to edit please please? Please?
I was already on 1.25 speed when I clicked on this video.
What are some examples of support in your life that isn't external? Struggling with that exercise. I am deep in external validation 😂
I’m
Fucked! 3:52
Happy st Patrick’s Day 😊😅😅🎉😂❤❤dear friend ☘️☘️☘️🍀🍀😂
It's not a real holiday because Irish people don't celebrate this.
This holiday is dumb because it's just dumb I am sorry I am European btw
Hello!! Happy St.Patrick’s Day haha
Hey, Haley ( Bianca whatever you wanna be called ) talk to me I missed you
Jesus… Its like you pull these videos right out of my ADHD riddled brain! 😂
Whelp 🤷♂️ time to buy a pride flag
1. The part of me that still (at almost 45) needs external validation - which is most of me - absolutely ADORES and gets a little choked up every time you end with "I am proud of you..." 🥲
2. This video was excellent and really hit home! Thank you for it!
3. You were completely valid in being mad at your brother for being 20 minutes late. 😏😁