CAN A NARCISSIST CHANGE? HERE'S WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN
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- čas přidán 8. 01. 2019
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Can a narcissist actually change? Often the answer is no, it's not going to happen. But sometimes conviction comes upon that person and change is possible, though not easy. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter outlines what needs to happen if a narcissist decides that he or she is ready for a better path in life.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author who lives in Dallas, Tx. He has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions over the past 39 years.
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...
Dr. Carter's other CZcams channel: / drlescarter
Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: marriagepath.com/dr-les-carter... - Krátké a kreslené filmy
Narcissists:
1. Need for control
2. Low level of empathy
3. Exploitive, manipulative
4. Sense of entitlement, Superiority
5. Oblivious to reality
6. Charming
To change:
1. Drop the know it all attitude, want to learn.
2. Solicit imput from others about you.
3. Be specific about what you need to fix.
4. Make yourself accountable, let others know you're trying.
5. Be willing to make mends with others, apologize.
6. Become a student for life of good psychology.
Work on: Decency, self restraint when judging, patience with others, honest about negative aspects of self, courteous/gentle to others
Ash thank you! I watched the whole vid, but lists help me remember the content.
Am genuinely greatful for this info
The first list you basically described me. I'm all those things and I can be called charming too. Not necceraly in a romantic way. People seem to like me. I'm definitely controlling. At the same time I'm not really self entitled or don't feel superior.
Narcissists:
1.shame
2.chronic emptiness
3. Self esteem regulation problems
4. Insecure or ambivalent attachment styles
5. Superego pathology
......its very hard to suffer from npd
They are losers all of them
As a healed narcissist, my answer is a resounding YES, the cost may be enormous, but the reward, after almost 30 years, still bring tears of joy to my eyes. A girl that I loved broke through my defenses and showed me who I really was. The glimpse of myself was terrifying, and made me physically ill for more than a decade that followed. I learned to feel, and to weep, but each emotional cut allowed the puss to ooze out of my wounded heart. As the heart healed, the body healed. Dr. Carter, every word of wisdom you share on this channel was exactly what I also found on my own journey. Thank you.
Thanks for your story! You are an inspirations. Dr. C
Thank you. Thank you. I hope you are being real.
2 months ago I broke through to my wife. We have been together since we were 16. We're 43 now. She has done some amazing things with many many hours of realization. She has admitted and seen the consequences. In m9ments of real clarity, I've been able to show her some of the effects she has taken on our 6 year old daughter. My wife has, for now at least, seems to be terrified of who she is. But she wasn't always like that. I just now got some truth and emotion from her about her narcissist parents. Both of them. She has become a vulnerable narcissist.
We've been spending time backing up the events that she bottled and regressed. They basically taught her emotions were completely invalid and even had her on medication for many many years.
Wow beautiful! So happy for you ❤️
Wow!!! Someone ELSE who broke free!! How absolutely marvelous! Never say never! Never give up!
Why did it make you feel physically ill I felt lightened and relieved.
Oh yes, they’ll only “change” for you to lower your guard, then hit you even harder....
Iam a Masterpiece of the DivineCreator wow your so right, I have been hit and Beaton and even scared in the face with an iron , why I keep going back I don't know
@@paulsarson5335 You need to develop self love to stop getting hurt again and again. You deserve better! Good bless you!
yup..hit harder, Later
Anyone is capable of changing
You got that right!
My ex/ narc told me he wanted to change and seek counceling. I played one of your videos for him. He lasted approximately 2 minutes.
I'm guessing this is your way of saying his statement about change wasn't exactly sincere. Dr. C
Dawn, son.
That's probably 1.5 minutes longer than mine would have lasted.
Viola Gentsch; Narcissists are riddled with demons. Demons will never go away willingly. These demons thrive on creating confusion when they in fact are the ones living in a constant state of frustration. It's an exhausting existence for the narcissist.
@@SurvivingNarcissism yep
My ex-narc was always saying he was open to learning and change. Only problem was, it wasn't true. Just sounded good.
Theyll say whatever might help create a good image to the person they're trying to manipulate.
Raven Burnes Exactly! But never acknowledged where he needed to change and when told, he said there's nothing about him that needs to change. Narcs love playing mind games
I just have to say I can relate. 🥰🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗😎😀😀😀😀
Amazing the amount of work they put into building that facade.
@@bentoboxofire7404
Yes, well said, and because they lack the confidence of true creativity, they use "your" words and pretzel twist unrelated events back on to you.
I had to always be in control. My charm was to get people to get what I wanted from them. I was on pain meds and drank a lot. When I had my children (4) they're grown now. Is when I realized the damage I had done. My babies were hurting and all I could do was look at my problems and have everyone feel sorry for me. Then one day one by one, each child left and everything was gone. My childen loved me enough and themselves to say we are free!!!!! I went into the hospital and a team of doctors broke everything down all my malfunctions and mental illness. I understood more in 13 days then I ever did in the 44 years I've been living. I had to change. Once I got out the hospital I started doing a lot of research on narc behavior and I saw Doc video's. The truth is going hurt so bad!! But that's exactly what we need to hear!!!!! GOD BLESS 🙏 Doc, may God continue to grow and bless your video's. 🙏🙏
Your honesty is refreshing. Dr. C
Bravo 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yes Amen it is so hard to handle telling yourself the truth about your issues.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so very much 🙏💎👑 It is the most amazing feeling in the world to be free🙌🙌🙌👏👏👏🙏🙏💖💕🌹💎💎
@@IAmGoddes Indeed it is!!! No fight out of me on that one!!! But it's the only thing that will set you free!! You know longer care nor believe what people think or say about you!! So I took everything that I had to fight and answered to Christ Jesus call!! And the mission now beings. I want to tell the Dr. Thank you for what you do!!! It saves lives everyday!! Thank God for the both of you!! Be Blessed always my friends🙏🌹💖👑💎
They cannot change if they don't want to. The change has to come from inside themselves not anybody.
Precisely. Dr. C
I am a narcissist, brought up by a single narcissistic parent, but after 5 year therapy I truly can say that narcissism can be, at least to some extent reverted/pushed-back. The main problem is although that 99% of the time I didn't even know that I need help, I was darn sure that everyone in this world need it, but not me. Weird to say but that's the ultimate frustration when you truly deeply believe that everyone is wrong and yet you are the only unhappy (feeling like a misunderstood/crucified prophet) individual every time. In the process I realized that I couldn't even tell the therapist what am I feeling (!) because the only thing I cared about was her response to my jokes and cheerfulness. I remember asking her why is she asking me about my feelings, because I thought they are unimportant, no one ever talked to me about my feelings and why should I even start discussing it? At that time I guess I could only recognize feelings like punishment, fear, anger and loneliness. I lived in a totally different world, like in a separate reality. My - then - girlfriend brought me to the therapy because he cared for me and I did it although I felt ashamed but somewhere deep inside me I felt that w/o therapy I will hurt her beyond repair. Our relationship didn't withstand it but I'm a different person now and I'm very thankful for the Dr. Carter to propagate this knowledge so keenly! Subscribed!
So pleased to hear this testimony. Keep up the good effort. You are an inspiration. Dr .C
Thanks for the hope you give me!
I’m on the same boat, and starting therapy next month. These videos have made me realise that I have a problem, and if I don’t work on it I’m truly going to be alone in this world. Thanks for your inspiration.
hey i hope you're doing well! can i ask something? i have a narcissistic sister and she has no idea that she is narcissistic and no one can convince her if she does not want to. she went to therapist for anxiety but she quitted. she thinks going to therapy is something to be ashamed of. how can i make her see the truth? i really need help!
I hope my husband realized that Im separating from him
Even if they seem to change I will never trust a narcissist. That being said, I don't wish them harm, quite the opposite, I hope that they'll grow and heal...but I will never, ever trust them. If I did trust them again after all I've been through and know, I would only have myself to blame.
Exactly! Great comment.
What a sensible reply!! Yes, by all means feel empathy/sympathy for them, as they ARE missing out on happiness in life; also feel empathy/sympathy for their 'victims,' as they did not have the 'wisdom' to keep the narcissist at bay in the first place. It really IS like 2 sides of the same coin. I've stopped being so judgemental, I do still have the odd narcissist in my life; to be honest, I find them quite amusing now, as I don't have to live with them. I don't really care what/how they think as long as they don't mess up my life. Just remember...be VERY careful how much you let them know about your personal business.
Noctifer Darkling yes trust is a big one for me
Noctifer Darkling Yes trust is a big one for me
Yep.
Fooled once is a victim... Fooled twice is a volunteer.
We as Empaths need to learn how to let these people go and go forever!! We don't owe them anything!! We've already wasted an endless amount of time (years), energy and expectations on their empty/false/hateful words and empty/false promises. When are we going to FINALLY get tired of their childlike outbursts, childlike behavior and, in my case, failure to EVER be allowed to finish a sentence! For some reason, I have drawn so many Narcissists into my already small world that it's mind-boggling. The next time your Narcissist kicks you to the curb like an empty soda can, 1. RUN, 2. RUN FAST, 3. NEVER LOOK BACK and 4. SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME, ENERGY AND MONEY ON REBUILDING YOUR (AND YOUR CHILDREN'S) SELF-ESTEEM. That's my 2 cents lol Thank you for letting me finish my sentences lol
Well said!
@@Texasboots Thank you, Love 💖💖💖
Jill Hollon
Good advice. I’m also an empath. The narcissist who tortured me was a boss, so I couldn’t really get away from him. He had “puppets” too. He sent lies & allegations to upper management for almost 3 years. They believed him, probably due to his position & /or that he is a narcissist (sociopath) so they’re afraid. I never had a fighting chance. He saw to that. I had an attorney & still lost my job. But HIS loss is much greater. When narcs have an agenda they don’t stop til it’s done. I do not consider myself a victim, even tho I was victimized. I’m VICTORIOUS bc God had a better plan! I got out of the narc’s range & am at peace knowing he will get his. Maybe he’s getting it already. 😉
@@rondak7144 Hi Ronda! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to endure such traumatic experiences at your job. I also worked at a job for 3 years under a Narcissistic boss. But I didn't know it had a name back then. I just thought he was an extremely moody, temperamental and a naturally angry person. I'm so thankful you were able to get out from under your boss's control and manipulation. I'm sorry he slandered your name and probably your work, as well. When we work for Narcissists, nothing we do is every good enough or appreciated. I hope you can continue to thrive and persevere as you go forward. I wish you much love, support, peace and blessings always along on your journey~ God bless you, sweetheart~
Jill Hollon Awww! Thank you so much!! That’s so thoughtful of you & I can see you understand from experience. I’m sure you look back with your current knowledge & relive some of those times! I certainly do! By my own nature I did the “gray rock” before I knew it had a name. My observations told me that he HATED to see my mood elevate, feel joy, laugh or talk with coworkers. This infuriated him. I’m sure you know why, & I’m sure this drove him to go after me more! I believe most of these people are labeled with antisocial personality disorder. Anyway thanks for sharing & for your kind words!!😁
I’m a recovered toxic person.
How did you do it?
If it's true - good on you!!!
@@patrickjohnson8741 thank you. I’m very conscious of my intentions and stay vigilant around people that can trigger my undesirable traits. Toxic people make toxic company. It’s like trying to find a nice place to sit at the garbage dump. :)
May I ask you a few questions?Were you toxic to the point of being physically abusive? The narcs in my family abused me emotionally, mentally and physically as well. Despite all the kindness and forgiveness I have shown to them through the years, their cruelty seems to have no bounds. These are full-blown narcs who cant feel empathy.The one common thing absent in them is spirituality. How did your change come about? Did you have a spiritual awakening??
I’ve seen them tone down their mean-spirited behavior. Most of the time it’s when everyone gets sick of them and they end up alone.
he will be changed if he wants to change.. but most of them sees no problem about their personality.
She will be changed if She........
Mine told me, "I'm normal." I said, "Really, you're normal? Do normal people ignore their wives for a month?" Without missing a beat he said, "Yeah. I know a lot of men wo do that." He's either lying or he knows a lot of narcissists.
@@honestbarsteward be aware the grammar in many countries is masculine and when speaking english, the he or his is used for any gender until they learn to speak more fluently.
Darloonie I very much doubt ‘that a narcissist would tell lies ;)
Lilian esp I agree with you :) you are right. None of these Narcissists see absolutely nothing wrong with their personality at all so for them they don't have to change, it's just us that have to change & that's not fair!!!
Something I really like about this video is that even if you're not a narcissist, it makes us non narcissists take a look at good look ourselves to make sure we are being the best person, friend, relative etc. that we can be. Thank you again for your great videos. Will you be making videos about other types of personality issues/disorders in the future?
Really?
No it doesn't. What it does is to tell us we need to continue bending over backwards for a bunch of a-holes who aren't going to budge. Get it into your head that there is no amount of good you can be with those people. Telling you can achiever that good place is not good for anyone and it makes me wonder if Dr. C. is either in la la land, bending over backwards for one or more, or he's a bit of a narcissist himself. Why would you or anyone else give a narcissist credit for anything good when they are only destructive?
Most likely not in this channel unless he change his channel from surviving narcissism to....
rachelsmename mm
True
He said, “ I know I need to change” . He said he did a lot of changing 12 years ago, but now realized he need to do more. So, why do I want to leave , because I have put up with his narc ways for 46 years. It’s too late for me, but for you young ones who are dealing with a nar, RUN!
Omg 48 yrs here, in process of getting out
Watching these videos has made me stronger and more aware. For a long time I thought it was all me that I had to try to do better, but no matter what I did it would never work out. I stay with the narc because he kept love bombing me , kept me poor and made me wish washy. He saids he has change and realized he needs to do better. The truth is I have changed. I stand for myself when I need too or I go stone silent when I can’t take it anymore. God has shown me how my narc uses his minions to try put me down. My narc is jealous that I am healthy, I love my retirement and I am never bored. I think age has soften a little and made me wiser.
You may be older, but life can always get better. My ex dumped me after 40 years. I was shocked and heartbroken. But boy oh boy, it was the best thing that ever happened to me! I am in my 60’s and alone and staying that way. I am happy and confident for the first time in my life. GET OUT!
@@sieglindegenta5660 you can always run
@@reneeholland1369: 57 years here. Too late, it’s doomed.
I love this guy. He's so soothing and warm and compassionate!
Like fresh warm cornbread, from the South!
@@alanalbin1988 Awww! You're right!
More like a Pastor. The qualities he described above are from the Holy Spirit
@@laughfirst7736 Very true ! I could see him being a great Pastor too
Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that any narcissists are listening to this to learn how to improve themselves. The folks listening to this recording are victims of narcissistic abuse who are hoping that there’s a chance for their narc to improve so they can remain with them. Hope dies last. Get away from these individuals as quickly as possible & live a beautiful, narc-free life.
Michelle Carpenter I am a recovering narcissist. I am here, because I am hoping to improve myself. We do exist.
Total Package Detailing LLC
Thank you so much for admitting not many do!! May I ask your Astrology sign. It is likely Aries Capricorn Taurus Gemini or Virgo, if not its likey your Moon sign.
Zenith Astrology astrology has nothing to do with NPD. You can be a libra and have NPD, you can be a Cancer and have NPD. NPD isn't an astrology trait for certain signs. It's a mental disorder from psychological abuse, and should be treated as such. Medical Science and Astrology do not mix.
.-.-_-
Awe so its a co- incidence Christopher Watts and Shanane Watts just happened along with my narc mother, who abandoned me at 5, it's a co incidents!!! They have SUN and MOON in horned signs?
Josh Powell it is a co incidents agian, he has SUN and MOON in horned signs. Its a co incidence his two sons had Capricorn Suns? In horned signs. You have your job, I have mine. Please, I know these people, like the back of my hand, and, never told what to do. Your lucky, i'm even warning you for free.
.-.-_-
Its not from psychological abuse it's just abuse!!! And don't tell me what my Virgos mom had intended for me, ill let YOU know. Ask her from the grave I have no sympathy for the demonic. That's why i'm surprised this guy admitted, my mom was Virgo Gemini Moon, and 4 horned. I know my moms chart, has NO abuse!!! But she was an abuser.
Dr c 🌹
I don't know if they can change...
And truly I don't care
I only know I had to change from being a human doormat
To a human being with boundaries and the word NO
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Thank you I needed this
🙏
I’m going to change and I do want to get serious with being a more mature person.
☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️
I’ve hurt a lot of people with my narcissistic traits. And I’m tired of it. I’m gonna change
31 month NO CONTACT
and all our
credit cards payed off
We are freeeeeeeeeed
From her rollercoaster game
💞👵👴💞
congrats
You're so lucky! Good for you!
@@goldieg4888
It was the most powerful experience of our lives
😞😞😞😞
We believe With all our heart that God helped us
She would have killed us
😞😞😞😞
@@graceandfaith869 I am very happy for both of you. You were very brave! However it is way to late for me to try something like getting away.
What I learned is that they will not change, and any trying to talk to them and literally beg them to ease up, they only get worse. I had to just learn with my dad to not ask because he would do it 1,000 times more with no remorse. This is why to this very day now that the split second I feel any of that getting near me I EXIT STAGE LEFT.
Totally correct. They go into an 'I'll show you mode'.
@@jeaniechampagne8831 LORD YES...and that was my dad and he passed away last year and I cared for him to the end and he was the king of taking it to a whole other level to aggravate and torment me. Like I keep saying I am learning ow how to not be stressed 24/7 for 55 years....and moving 5 states away made no difference. My poor mother was a SAINT.
@@COACHCLCHEER You show that you take after your mother...the saint. I would take care of my narcissistic mother if she really needed me, but in the mean while, I have to stay away from her abuse. There are only so many "poison arrows" a soul can take. God bless you in your quest for peace.
Right, because the behavior is intentional.
I believe I was an extreme narcissist (vulnerable narc to be specific) in my early 20s. It took extreme heartbreak and seeing the damage I caused those close to me to cause me to reflect and truly change. Not sure about where I was on the spectrum, but a lot of my behavior was similar. I was just afraid of people seeing my flaws so I tried to control things around me so that nobody could see how vulnerable I was.
Good on you to have changed!
Thank you. And therefor it is so Important for the partner to have the courage expressing his/her OWN VULNERABILITY. What deep emotions I feel (what triggers of my past are activated) when my Narc says / do something bad to me. I am convinced that in such a safe environment he can observe how his/her own bad emotions look like.... without "feeling" them.... maybe they will understand what they do to their "victims"
Pyramid Thank you for your honesty & for giving us hope that the narc will change!
IM SORRY a little confused
What would you say to a narcissist to get them to want to wake up? It's as if they truly are the living dead feeding off of people's souls. What would you say to make them think?
I am so glad to come across this video. Based on the symptoms described, I am very sure that I am a Narcissist and being this way has destroyed my life beyond words. I am turning 40 this year and have made a commitment to myself to shed this ugly personality forever. It has been very hard and I keep falling back every now and then. But I am becoming a lot more aware of my behaviors and reactions and able to rectify/ control them a lot better. And I am hopeful that one day I will be able to create this new personality I am working hard on. 🙏
As a victim of narcissists what helped me was radical honesty. It made me kinder and more accepting of others. One has to forgive one's self as well. I can tell you that it's the best thing that could happen to you.
I’ve had 20 years of tears, emotional abuse, crazy-making and neglect. Kicked him out twice. Had so many promises of change that lasted from a couple of minutes to a couple of weeks. There is no actual authentic desire or capacity to actually change because there is no empathy. You cannot magic empathy out of the air. Have zero expectations. Do not be emotionally invested in their declaration of change. If they want to change you will not need to prompt, nag, plead. They would just do it.
If narcissists don’t have empathy, how can they change for the better or do they just become better actors?
Only better actors in the easiest of things when they know you don’t like their ways, they still have the same plan for you. They don’t have the capacity to be thoughtful of other people and they don’t want to do the work for the lifestyle they feel they are entitled too...and so they mismanage their money greatly and burn through others, crossing boundaries in many ways. They look for someone to take care of them, and they have loads to dump on you. They are predators who strike back when their crazy expectations aren’t allowed by you. They have the role of people mixed up in their head. They’re self centered so are only thinking about what they want, not you, which gets crazy because they can also be a different sexual orientation. They aren’t trustworthy on enough counts to waste your time on. Meet new people.
Z P Exactly right!
I actually think they cand learn emphaty because they need to. I don't think people get something about narcissists...you don't need emphaty to change, you need fear or other emotion, and they have a lot. Its not like they live a good live, they feel miserable and don't know why + in the end they are left behind by everyone, witch they already expect happening without understanding the real problem. Its confusing and it hurts for them too.
Empathy is actually a taught trait and can be learned.
Recoving narcs knows the moves of the evil people. We have a blue print to know their every move!! Just life people convert from narc, to recovering narc to NO NARC at all!!! YES GOD CAN DO JUST THAT!!! I can spot a narc a mile away. You now have the glasses to see their demons!!! You know the ones who have a chance of changing. And the ones that will never change for a human. But they MUST for GOD!! Read about Paul in the bible!!! He turned from his wicked way!!! Continue to listen to Dr. C videos. He can show you just how to get from under the narc very tight grip.
At some point I understood that my friends liked me despite me trying to convince them of my superiority all the time, not because of me doing that. Made my world fall apart, but it had to fall apart
I suspect they are in a constant state of change. Their deep shame is that they know there is something very messed up in them. They hit a low source point so they smarten up their behavior to appeal to a new nurturing person. But eventually the high of someone new believing in them doesn't bring the same feeling and they start falling back into their bad habits. They sincerely valued that person but when that person starts seeing the bad habits, it's a real downer and gone is the incentive to put forth the effort of being different.
It’s not a matter of “can” they change.. it’s a matter of “will” they change.. even if they know they’re a narc, and most do know that, they just don’t care if their behavior is hurting other people. To change they’d have to care and they just don’t.
You have made a big impact in my life from my relationship with my family to my job. I'm a Soldier and it is so hard not to fall into the narcissist traps and not bring it home with me to my family. You have helped to balance this hard complicated life out. From my family and myself thank you.
Thank you for your service. After 15 yrs working at the VA I know you speak the truth and I'm relieved to hear you're one of the few that are making an effort to protect your family an self from this.
The bit about walking away and shaking the dust from you feet, applies in this instance as well. It is not your problem. Leave them to it.
Great comment. I agree.
Like Doc says, they have a right to be that way, just like we all do. Sad, huh. Can't really change them.
I think that some Empaths been around a Narcissist person so long that they picked up some traits in order to protect themselves. They may not have turned into a narcissist person themselves but they became toxic or lost self control. This video is good for those type of ppl. Those ppl are not NPD but they are on the low end of the spectrum because they had to survive so much. Not all empaths are good ppl, they can be know it all & lash out because of PSTD... so I think Empaths need to be honest with themselves and use this video to improve themselves. To wash up all those toxic learned behaviors.
Chauncey Dumbuya this true..
Bingo
Sounds a lot like BPD
Thank you I think that’s what happened to me and what I allowed to happen. Learned behaviors to protect myself . “Be the change I want to see” love that
Chauncey Dumbuya self centered
Thank you my husband of 15 yrs just told me i am a narcissist we have 3 children together i want to be a change person thank you i am going to do everything you said in your video you are the pro so i know you know what you are talking about
Yes we can change. It’s a lot of hard work to actually learn compassion and kindness. To see it in yourself is a psychological crisis, and overcoming that crisis is a vertical battle. But that first sense of compassion and empathy is like receiving oxygen, a memory of how it felt as a small child before the hurts came.
I appreciate this channel, the understanding and awareness that narcissists are human beings who have a huge struggle ahead of they are willing to undertake it.
For anyone who is discouraged with themselves, it can be helpful to study neuroplasticiy, and different therapies that will help you encounter your habits and mindsets.
True, neuroplasticity is one of the keys to get away from that disorder or traits. Compassion, kindness, empathy, love. Therapy will work as well. It's mostly about how you think, react and behave, it can be changed, there is a light in the end of long, dark and full of potholes tunnel.
@Deplorable Cat 100% disagree. Empathy and compassion are learnable skills. We are ALL narcissistic at birth. Some of us are nurtured into empathy, others are NOT given that crucial love and are stuck in their childhood narcsissism, until they are nurtured into it by others or themselves. Awareness and constant action are key.
Deplorable Cat as children we are the center of attention. And we develop the belief that our needs are all that matter. We believe we are the center of the universe. This is a human thing and part of normal development. You either get nurtured out of that state, or you’re not given the appropriate amount of love and you STAY there. But childhood narcissism is a stage in EVERY human experience. Unless you were just a Buddha since birth and all the way through. I don’t know you, so I won’t assume you are or not.
Deplorable Cat I’d love for you to explain the huge difference between empathy and compassion though. For my own understanding.
@@MarcPrime wow..... I think you are making a very interesting observation !
I can see narcissistic tendencies in myself, and am trying to improve. If I have a low level of empathy for people who have hurt me repeatedly, though, I don’t think that makes me narc. I have a high level of empathy for most people
That makes it hard.
Just remember:
Forgiveness=
FREEDOM!
Forgiveness frees you from the toxic grip.
If that's true, don't worry.
You're not one. Tendencies are human. NPD isn't.
I’m the same exactly but I notice I have the traits of one and I really wanna change, I do have empathy, I cry for others not to get attention but because I feel their pain and want to make them better, I wanna listen and I really wanna change. People tell me I’m a great listener and some have told me to become a therapist because of how caring I am but I’m not saying I ain’t no saint, I did things I knew was horrible and I still did them anyways, I just wanna change and I’ve caught myself being toxic and have stopped myself mid conversation and walked away from the problem and would just scream outside or into a pillow to get anger out, I go for a walk and just cut myself from the rest of the world to have time to think of what I did. But I understand a little bit what you said on your comment, about noticing the narcissistic traits because I see it in my mom and my mom’s mom. It’s a horrible circle I just wanna be freed from and I don’t want my kids growing up like I did.
@@danielleburrito9745 I feel for you. It's a long way but know you can change.
Could be you were raised by one or more narcissists and most is just learned behavior you are becoming more aware of as you try to become more conscious and healthy. Narcs fake empathy. You have empathy. That’s the difference.
I want to change. I hurt someone I love for so long without even realizing. Our break up was "mutual" until I looked back on it and saw all my hurtful words and behaviours over the year. I will change even tho it's too late for us. Love you S 💔❤
Coletin Thomas same with me. Didn’t notice the pattern and here I am
Wow! So narcs can change? What does it take to realize or to admit it? When you lose someone? Sorry to ask this (I’ve been with a narc so just curious) What does love mean to a narc? I called him out. I make him read about narcs characteristic traits, recorded our conversations and let him hear it. He seemed to be ashamed of how he talked to me, treated me but he does it again. Nothing changes really. Can I still hope that he would change like you did? Or can you be certain that you wouldn’t go back to narcs behaviors again?
Narc can't love someone sorry
@@maris1758 definitely took losing the someone to realize how much I cared. I've definitely changed for the better but its hard to tell how much. All people are a work in progress and it took loss for me to realize that I'm not just "I am who I am" that there are things you can work to change about yourself
My father-in-law was 100% an overt narcissist. It took a year of him caring for my mother-in-law ill with cancer which lead to her death to change him. Sad that so many in the family was damaged by his actions before he changed. My husband was damaged most. My husband was the most sensitive child in the family. Before his father died my husband was able to spend time with the person his father became later in life and able to love that person.
As for my father he never changed and stayed a bitter man all his life and left me to deal with the issues I was left with. My husband and I being a couple who both were raised by narcissists, caused our marriage to be a real challenge for over 40 years. Some how we have come to a comfortable stage in our lives at this time. I refused to be bitter. I found inner peace knowing I did the best I could with what I was given in life. I accept the mistakes and decisions I made in life along with the consequences. I am slowly resolving/dissolving any regrets I have in exchange for finding joy in the peace I have now.
Can a narcissist change? After what I’ve experienced with the narcissist I’ve experienced it with... in a word, no.
They are incapable of change
Tori S Agree. Very few narcissists, if any, will go to a Therapist. After all, in their own mind, there is nothing wrong with them.
@Henry Stoneking sounds a lot like my 22 year old daughter. We raised her with in Godly ways but she went the opposite way... I don't know what is that thing that is going to change her towards the truth and be kind loving and meek...instead she is full of anger, never admits her wrongdoing,always twisting the truth and blames us for her wrong choices...
@@fionageorgakis699 She does not have to be a narcissist just because she does not believe in your religion. You cannot control what people are to believe in. Sounds very controlling on your part.
@Henry Stoneking thats true my ex got baptized to show family hes now religious and got worst.. he,ll never changed thank God he moved on to his next victim ... i can now try to recover from this trauma..
My husband grew up in a cult of family with both parents and his sister being Narcissists. He is an Empath. But he struggles with a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. He is 35%-50% on the Narcissistic curve. He is just now becoming aware in his 50s. I am proud of his progress. Time for our Hell to stop.
I can't thank you enough for this post. I went years being "an asshole" before I discovered I had legitimate narcissistic traits. It took dating a narcissist. To be honest, I knew I had issues...i just wasn't aware some of it was so deep seeded. I'd lied, cheated, manipulated...its awful. I feel such resounding guilt for it. I've spent the last year single and working on myself. Ive already employed a few of the tactics you outline in the video. Its hard to come face to face with it. But I'm with someone who means so much. For me, for her, for my future...I can't be this person. It's so easy to degrade the narcissist, every video on under "how to stop being a narcissist" is a warning to avoid us at all costs. Maybe I'm not as deep in as I assumed...unsure. But it's refreshing to see a helping hand. So again. Thank you. Subbed and belled.
@Brett Harding...Everything that you stated tells me that YOU ARE NOT A NARCISSIST. A narcissist never admits that they have a problem, and never feels "guilty" or "empathy" for or about anything or anyone. You most likely have just always been a selfish, bratty type of person for most of your life...and ultimately had an eye-opening self realization, and saw how conceited and nasty you have been all your life. But, again everything that you described is not the embodiment of mental illness on the part of a narcissist.
Agree with Tee L. I think you have just realized that you have been selfish or manipulative. Narcissist mostly think they are always right. Even they feel guilty, in the end they will find a reasoning to right the wrong. That's what I see.
@Intellectual And Creative What?
I believe I might be a narcissist/covert narcissist too. Sometimes I can be very self centered and I can lack empathy at times. Often times I’m told, I need to be put in their shoes. I feel unheard by everyone I’m with. Sometimes even inferior. I’m too protective over the women I date, and the slightest things they wear, if they show a lot it secretly enrages me. I dont name call, and I don’t raise my voice but I think I can be mentally a bit manipulative. I can push buttons too. I secretly don’t like my lovers having guy friends because of my lack of trust. Lack of trust for no reason. I investigate every guy friend cyberlly. I need to be humbled. don’t know where I got it from though because my parents are divorced but they always did their best to keep me and my brothers aligned with God. And unfortunately I went on a year long alcohol addiction. I ended up going back to church with my friends just recently and I’m trying to heal myself from the inside out
Its because you hate and judge your father, and became your own god
This is good. While I am married to a covert, I see some pretty strong narcissistic tendencies in myself. For instance, I’m learning that sharing my opinion isn’t always helpful. The world will continue to turn without me weighing in. I’m also learning that “ louder” doesn’t win. Louder is just obnoxious. And it’s important to hear what others say, not just listening until it’s my turn to talk. People like being heard. And if my feelings are hurt I will explore why. Were they trying to hurt me ( as my covert will do often) or did I take a narcissist injury because I don’t like people thinking I’m not perfect. I will listen to this again. Maybe trying to control others less will help me take better care of myself. Thanks Doc.
"We can't change, unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." - Carl Jung
Accept what? That they are a Clone synthetically made in a lab? Good luck! It’s a Replicant
My neighbor's came to me on two different occasions and said that my narc dad ruined most of my life. They said he also ruined my sister's and brother's lives.
Thank you for this... It is hard to realize that one is selfish... Harsh... Condescending... Especially as a Christian... As you were speaking, the words of Jesus came to mind... "Take my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy, and my burden light..." Thank you for what you do, for bringing to light both the hope that we have for change and the practical steps to get there.
Having it on a spectrum makes so much sense! I was in denial of my ex being a covert narcissist, and I found myself in a coaching role. I broke through a bit, but I found myself exhausted, and spent. I do not have the time or energy to endure this malarkey. So I had to cut contact.
No malarkey! Dr. C
Thanks for restoring my sanity and healing me your are great kind peorson
How did he heal you?
My narcissist brother just promised me for the 50th time that he is going to change.
2 yrs ago I could see some of these characteristics in my self, once I brought a child into the world it’s never been the same, I was forced to not be self centered, I learned an amount of empathy I had no idea was possible, my way of thinking opened up entirely, all thanks to my kid
When narcissist sees this, they will say "I am entitle and deserve to be who I am. I dont need to change. PEOPLE around me NEED to CHANGE instead. They need to know that I deserve to be me and people just need to be themselve. They need to learn how to HANDLE ME, ME ME!!!!!!"
Don't waste your precious Life waiting for a narc to change.
Exactly! They’re a lost cause, YOU ARE NOT 💃
It's in the genes...
It's better not expect too much about a change in narc personality. Especially above 40 years old.
Problem is I wasted most of my life by marrying a narcissist. I had to get out but I needed 12 months of Psychiatric counselling to try and get my self esteem and my life back.
Yes, leave them before wasting all your life
I find this wonderful advice for the average person with some relationship issues.
But a true narcissist will claim he already possesses every one of these good qualities ( and likely will convince you too) and will tell YOU that you need to improve.
You probably taught them those good qualities..they learn it by mirroring YOU!
Lol...... Reality
True all the people saying they want to change from watching this video alone probably aren't narcissists
I always had a view of narcissists as the villains in movies, or the wall st tycoon. It wasn’t until my therapist wanted me to really focus on improving my empathy, read books and checklists and when I realized I didn’t feel any emotion resonating from the books or worksheets I had a huge realization that I had high narcissistic tendencies. I brought this up to my therapist and she said let’s not put the cart before the horse, but it’s possible. The scary part is that the empathy doesn’t come naturally and she said it’s just shutoff as a coping mechanism to deal with toxic people throughout my life. I’m hoping I start feeling empathy naturally without needing a checklist to be sure I’m normal. Long road ahead.
Mike, ask Jesus, He will give it to you! There the journey doesn't last long at all 'cause He said:" ASK and it shall be GIVEN to you! Knock and it shall be opened! Seek and you shall find!" 🤗
Since Manipulation is a HUGE character defect of theirs, you never know if they are really changing, or just deepening the plot...
One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is their complete unwillingness to take responsibility, or to honor your point of view and the things that are important to you. A narcissist who is changing will demonstrate consistent progress on taking responsibility, and caring about you and your perspective even during difficult times or conflict. That's pretty hard to fake over time. And if they're not showing that kind of progress, consistently and increasingly over time, they're not changing.
You can not change a real narcissist because you can not make or teach empathy. Lack of empathy affects every area of their lives . It makes them breathtakingly self centered and capable of all sorts of evil towards ALL other human beings, their spouse, their children, their co workers, their family, their employees, the neighbors, strangers. Once we understand how lack of empathy manifests in every single relationship and action and thought they have we can quit dreaming of changing them
Elia preach 🗣🗣🗣
I disagree with your statement that empathy cannot be taught. I have witnessed a profound change in the lives of men in the prison where I volunteer when they begin to be accountable for their actions and take responsibility for their past crimes. Yes, they are motivated initially by participation in programs to look good as they apply for parole, but as they go through the restorative justice process many of them learn a different way of being in the world. Many of the things that Dr. Carter has talked about are the elements involved in these programs. I have also witnessed this same kind of sea change in individuals in twelve step programs. Perhaps you are dealing with an individual with anti-social personality disorder (psychopathy) rather than NPD.
@Teri Looney: Have you ever heard of the "Thirteenth Step"? That's where certain people in 12-Step programs use the others in their group for their own selfish gains. It could be for sex, money, narcissistic supply, etc... The pickings are numerous and easy in 12-Step groups! Unfortunately, many, but not all, of these predators are criminals who have been court-ordered into 12-Step programs. This is one of the reasons why I will never use a 12-Step group for peer-support regarding my issues. Also, I have seen some people who have become quite conceited and self-centered because of their participation in 12-Step groups. (Emotions Anonymous was suggested for me after I did a short stint in a mental hospital for depression. I refused because of 13th Step concerns as well as not wanting to be in a spiritual program nor a program that hasn't been scientifically vetted. Atheists like me are not welcome, anyway.) I rather think that it is you, and the group that you volunteer for, that are responsible for the success with the inmates that you have achieved. Thank you for giving these inmates the help that they so desperately need! ~Anastacia in Cleveland
@@terilooney @Teri Looney I think it would be helpful if you read how empathy develops in childhood and what NPD is about. A person who lacks empathy can learn how to display it but this doesnt necessarily mean that the person develops empathy is more like learning what is expected from them to do and how to react and narcissists, sociopaths and psycopaths and rest manipulative people will use this to their advantage. Those who didnt learn empathy in childhood, they will never develop any. They maybe learn how to hide their traits better and display "empathy" if there is something to get from doing that. If you ever have the misfortune to be close to a manipulative person and see how they think and behave then you will see first hand that most people dont just change because they followed a 12 step program . Dr Carter talks about the lower end of the spectrum , about people with narcissistic traits and not those with full blown NPD. Referring to your last sentence , all three disorders, NPD, antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) and psychopathy lack empathy
@@Elia-ys9rc Actually I have a degree in psychology and I am married to a psychiatrist. I have worked in the field for many years both in paid positions and in a volunteer capacity. I am 63 so I also have a bit of life experience in addition to education, CE, and I continue to read extensively. I was raised by a mother who was quite narcissistic. I stand by every thing I said and only give my background so that you will know that I am neither uneducated nor naive. I do not contend that everyone can/will change, only that individuals who are highly motivated (usually because of pain) can and do change. As Dr. Carter stated several times, it is not an easy or quick process. Our society is much too quick to throw away individuals because of real or perceived character flaws. Personality disorders originate, it is thought, through a complex interaction between nature and nurture, or, more to the point, lack of nurture. Why can we not have compassion for these individuals in the same way we do for someone with cancer or other diseases? It seems there continues to be quite the stigma against mental disorders.
I was looking at this video and it saddened me. As much as I would like my wife to change, the things he listed made me realize that it would be a near impossible task😔
Will Mack ask Jesus to heal your wife he will
parinaz Az just because you ask Jesus for a miracle, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen! Stop giving false hope to someone who’s in pain and has come here looking for advice/help. I truly believe that Jesus will help those who come to Him and ask for help, but it has to be the narcissist who humbly comes to Him.
@@jewelsbarbie Jesus will help one way or another, if we ask in faith
Pride --- Proverbs29:1 Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed--without remedy.
In order to heal and change they would have to humble themselves but they are proud and arrogant and never wrong... so... narcissism sticks.
maybe just drop some LSD in her morning coffee ;)
Not a diagnosed narcissist, but whenever I watch videos of analyzing narcissism I find that I identify with all the toxic traits. I've hurt more individuals than I can ever consider, and knowing that I have caused someone somewhere to probably bring me up to a support system of professional has pushed me to change. I am young and still live with my parents but they're on board with taking me to therapy. I try my best to isolate myself from others so I can't hurt anyone else before then. I used to cry whenever I was confronted with the truth that I'm not a good person, but now I accept it and want to change, for the better of this world, because one narc like me can absolutely devastate, and I would never want to see that.
For years I’ve been trying to change honestly. Dedicated my entire career to serving people, I truly want help.
Malcolm Jones ask Jesus for help he is alive and loves you .. watch the last reformation movie on CZcams
@Malcolm Jones....Based on your comment, you are definitely not a narcissist, but likely have been a selfish, bratty person all of your life. Narcissist do not admit that they have a problem. They are not interested in change; they have no guilt....no empathy...which you display in your comment. Again, YOU ARE NOT A NARCISSIST.
You're a dirtbag.
Just kidding, don't listen to a random internet guy. You really are awesome you just don't know how other people expect to be treated and try that
@@aspen311 He did say it was on a spectrum. I was raised by a Narc and married a Narc for a while, so I know I picked up some of those traits. For instance, I can listen to someone else's (verbalized, obviously) thoughts and accept when they're different, but if there is something particular about them (someone I may think is a possible future GF for instance) I completely lose that ability. I had a horrible fight with someone because they didn't like sci-fi and fantasy. It was because I thought we were clicking romantically, and so I was scared of her not accepting part of me. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether someone likes sci-fi and fantasy or not. Really, it wasn't VITAL that she fit exactly what I wanted in a partner, but I got nasty because I'd set myself on this idea already.
He talks about being a know-it-all. I'm a conditional know-it-all. In the somewhat narrow band of thing I think I understand, I act like a know-it-all, but that band was much bigger in the past. I once got into an argument with a personal trainer (not MY trainer) because she encouraged working out 5 days a week (different muscle groups, obviously) and I had been reading that not getting enough rest after workouts was a recipe for serious damage. Of course she knew more than I did, but I acted like an expert when I wasn't because of something I had been reading recently. She wasn't even someone I was interested in romantically, it was just that I thought I knew what I was talking about.
So I have some narc traits and it's going to be really hard to get rid of them.
They first have to admit there needs to be a change in order to change. I don’t see them making that discovery about themselves. You’ve mentioned all healthy solutions and these people are far from healthy.
If I showed this video to my covert narc? He would turn it right around on to how I am the one who needs to change. Argh!
Sam Soulwarmer of course. Very typical
even if they can “change” it wouldn’t be permanent- they may temporarily change towards whoever their current supply is or whoever it is they are pursuing- but we all know what happens - devalue & discard. one thing that will probably not change is their boredom/eventual dissatisfaction with those who were tricked into loving them
sally cinnamon that’s correct
@@sunflowers2469 Well said! Tricked into loving them! Wow!!!!
Even if the narcissist that I have been dealing with most of my life said she wanted to change and started to do some of these things, I would not trust her. Because over and over and over she has acted "nice" for a brief amount of time only to draw you in closer so she can hurt you more effectively. I mean, how could you possibly even trust these people to be genuine about changing when their nature is lying and deception. I like this video a lot and I think it could be possible for some narcissists to change but I guess it would take a hell of a lot to convince anyone around them who knew their nature to even believe any thing they were doing in that direction was sincere. sorry to be so negative but it's like they kind of bring the mistrust of others on themselves.
Very sad
My ex changed during his probation period and after resumed his old behaviors...they can change if there is a perk in the change for them.
What you described is "not" a narcissist changing. It is simply a narcissist putting on his mask and faking a different personality and fooling people, until he gets what he needs. Psychology experts have already determined from extensive research that a narcissist can NOT change. So don't waste your most valuable time. MOVE ON and QUICKLY.
@@aspen311 But this doctor is saying we can change? Maybe not those narcs who are at the very end of the spectrum, or malignant?
I'm sure I'm a narc and I've realized it four years ago, went back to old unconscious life and behaviour, but now I'm determined to not let that happen again... IDK, I'm scared of myself.
@@0FFICERPROBLEM Psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health professionals, through extensive research and study on the subject of narcissists have determined that there is no treatment, therapy or anything else that can be used to help the narcissist change. It is a mental disorder and there is NO CURE, NO PILL, NO THERAPY, that can change the NARCISSIST PERSONALITY. He/she is who they are for life.
@@aspen311 You understand narcissism exists on a spectrum (everyone has some dose of it, it's a fundamental personality trait) ?
Might it be those you refer to as 'unchangeable' are those with NPD who are unable to acknowledge there's something wrong with them?
Diagnoses are for professionals to have a common language for research and treatment. People still have individually unique psyches.
Therefore there's stories of people diagnosed with "NPD" who've managed to change, at least their behaviour, long term.
@@0FFICERPROBLEM We are talking about REAL NARCISSISM, the type of people that set out to hurt and destroy their victims, .and derive joy and pleasure from it. Most, if not all, people with this mental disorder do not even want to admit that they have a problem, so getting therapy is not even a possibility. Even, if the Narc agreed to go to counseling, they would simply put on their mask and gas light the therapist. So, again no...there is no treatment available for the NARC. The best thing that any person can do is get as far away from the NARC as possible...simply disappear if you can and have absolutely no contact with them.
I’m not a narcissist but I came here because I am married to one. The funny part is that I didn’t really take anything from this video for his improvement but took quite a bit for my own self improvement lol. I feel this can apply to anyone, and it’s great to have those gentle reminders that can keep our egos in check, narc or no narc. Thank you so much for your videos! Much appreciation for what you do on your channel! :)
I received your book Pleasing you is Killing me and Laura’s Ugly Love for Christmas, read a bit of both and they are so insightful. I too was gravitated towards a narcissistic partner in my intimate relationship because I was brought up by one. I have just begun my healing process and some days are hard but I already feel so much lighter. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing your knowledge.
Thank you for the book recommendations.
Stay strong !
I was talking to a good friend earlier and she said some of the kindest things that has ever been said to me and I honestly teared up. For one because it was just so nice of her and two because I know everything she said wasn't true. I know I'm a spiteful and selfish person, but she said the opposite. Idk if I'm a narcissist or if my friend is just seeing a mask of mine, but hearing all the things that my friend said to me made me wanna change to the person she thinks I am. Thank you for the video Dr. C I'll work on myself.
You know what? That is a brave and humble approach. Proud of you
April Rains Thank you very much. I hope for whatever reason you're on this video you can find the answers you need as well.
@@papagrande7448 Every one of us is born with both "good and evil" natures. Your friend is probably the type who looks for the GOOD in others. If so, you are blessed to have such a friend and to be able to recognize some areas of your life you may need to work on.
Papa Grande : god sees all the bad in us and he still loves us. So your friend is right. She saw all the beautiful self you can be. That is how God sees us too.
If your recognising your are spiteful and selfish and willing to admit that I doubt you are as bad as you think you are
The real question as I see it that could be asked isn’t “Can the narcissist change” but “How much can a narcissist change and in what ways?”
I see it depending on several factors, such as where they are on the spectrum of NPD, how willing or motivated they are to continue the efforts toward change, etc.
I feel like it bears saying that not all narcissists can or will be restored to a normal, emotionally healthy level all the time. Can they change? Is it at all possible a narcissist can improve and become more humble, act in less self-centered ways? Perhaps. But will they all be 100% safe all the time? No way! No one is 100% safe all the time. A narcissist changing doesn’t mean they can no longer cause harm.
I find it reasonable to expect the narcissist will always have a degree of damage (because that’s what it is, like an emotional brain damage) that may be irreversible in this life. Can there be some hope for improvements? I think so. But how much is really the question. And that answer would vary from person to person.
Yes to all of this. Well stated. Dr. C
Sadly, the narcissists I know, they are not interested in changing or learning. They want people to accept them as they are💔
Not likely, but stranger things have happened... Meanwhile, live your life & keep moving forward. Y'all are in my prayers and thoughts.
To much work for the Narc ...
I've been in a distant relationship with my current boyfriend for almost a yr. now and I've witnessed some character flaws that make me wonder if he's a narcissist. He gossips about his family n friends behind their backs when they have gone above n beyond to help him out in his various times of need, (which makes me wonder if he talks about me behind my back), He asks his brothers for advice just to turn around and call them a "know it all" behind their back, he goes in on his one older brother about cursing too much then he, himself, turns around and start cursing, in the same sentence. He never really listens to me when I speak, because he's too busy cutting me off to say the same mundane thing that's going on his life. He details cars and that seems to be all he ever seems to talk about, he also makes me feel rushed to say what it is I have to say by agreeing with me before I even finish a sentence then turn the conversation back on him as if what I just said didn't mean anything to him. I'm always catching him contradicting himself, when he tells me he loves me over the phone or thru texting, it almost seems robotic, because he says he likes to stick to routine, which, for him, means doing n saying the exact same thing everyday all day, like a broken record and going overboard with the "I love you's" n "I miss u's." These are all just a few things I've noticed that are becoming quite annoying and I have mentioned them to him, which he says he will work on but always go right back to doing those very same things. There's so much more but don't want to make this comment too long.
The feeling “ I am feel sorry for him. Can I help him ?” Keep me back to the trouble aways player out the same way.
I'm 25 years old and I just discovered I am a narc! I didn't even realise! I knew my father was mental because he argues with everyone for hours! and we never knew what it was we just said he was mad. Turns out hes 100% a narc and my gf suggested to me that i was and i laughingly joked it off but over the past few years actually i caught myself in actions where i kept thinking "shit! that's like my dad!" and apparently it runs in the family... :S the more I dig through these videos the more im convinced. i dont match every single thing but enough that its convinced me... I hope its not too late to change... I only just realised this now! I am hoping if i move on to a different lifestyle I can learn to respect other people and get myself back together before its too late! I certainly don't want to end up like my father lol You also hit the nail on the head for me right there when you said "its time for me to get serious about being a more mature person" and thats exactly what i've gotta do
If they are WILLING TO CHANGE, they can change. Nobody can change a person ( esp. narcissists) except themselves.
Thank you for your talks. My father was BP and narcissistic. The children, my brothers and I were constantly at odds from a very young age. Our mother was a true, loving, and faithful mother but an abused victim at a time when it was your duty to stay married until death. I thank the Lord for her steadfast faith and love. Now at 57 I recognize the the flaws in my own self and are trying to change my thought process, actions and reactions. Your talks have helped me see things in myself that I was blind to.
Also it is helping me deal with my only surviving brother who is extremely covert and abusive to anyone involved closely with him. We have been very distant for nearly 40 years. I could not stand to witness the abusive behaviors of our father in him and his treatment to his wive's , child or our mother. Thus we were at near violent odds. Your talks are giving me tools to change the things I've ask the Lord to help me change.
Thank you for being his instrument.
44 years with the narc in my life and I can tell you, he has NOT changed one bit. I always expect the other shoe to drop and it does!
48 yrs here, I’m old, tired & done. Hoping, praying for a few peaceful years. Starting over at 67 is not easy.
Well said! An honest path of understanding in how to come out of Narcissism. I've seen what seemed too be full blown Narcissist's as they age in life, begin to question why the consequences of their narcissism had lead them to loneliness, abandonment and worse. Those are the ones in the higher categories that sometimes gain the mind set to accept what they have been and willing to follow the path which leads to a newer life and contentment inside themselves. For, and I won't say few, I will say some who can take this video to heart, I pray God's blessing upon them to have the courage to accept the truth and honestly with humility follow these excellent steps which will bring about real change.
They definitely can change. I am a former therapist and have seen it first hand. I also had alot of narcissistic traits when I was younger that needed change. I went through the difficult process of changing my own tendencies. It requires a willingness and lots of work. Although you feel quite comfortable in your new mind where you are not as special as you once thought. Change is great if you embrace it and do the work required. Most do not change due to the discomfort of their own deep truths.
Yes. All roads to truth lead back to you. It is called accountability aka maturity. If you want to know more, read my comment to Barney below.
Narcissism can be a full blown personality disorder or a pattern of living that's on a spectrum. Based on that there is or isn't possible to change.
Narcissism:
1. Have a high need to control others. --> need to drop the illusion to need to get into someone's mind and rearrange it to suit their needs.
2. Have a low level of empathy (they are focused on their feelings, not others') --> willingness to tune into some else and realise they have feelings, perceptions, interpretations. Recognise that and Include it in your communication.
3. Tend to be exploitative , manipulative --> stop the game playing. Don't feel people are there to be used and manipulated by you, to suit your needs.
4. Have a real strong sense of entitlement (it's all about them, what they want, want to be extra special, all the world revolves around them) --> drop the entitlement. not everything is about you. Other people have needs. Let's zero in on that.
5. Want to be superior --> recognise equality
6. They have alternate realities (if I think it, then that's the only reality there is) --> realise that other people have their truth and receive it
7. They can be charming, but fake --> have friendliness, without the manipulative twist
What needs to happen for a change process:
1. Drop your "know it all" attitude, start with some humility. It really isn't all about me. And because I think something is true, doesn't mean there are not alternatives. Have a wish to learn, from other people.
2. Solicit input from other people. Ask them what to change. (And examples). Be open to suggestions, receive input with no particular defence.
3. Be specific of what you see on the inside, that needs to change. Everyone of us has problem. We are all broken in some way. Name your "brokenness" (bad temper, judgemental, critical spirit, stubbornness, defensiveness)
4. Make yourself accountable to people you trust. (Trusted friends, counselor, support group).
5. Be willing to make amends, for some of the wrongs you did. Go to the people, tell them you're sorry, that you're trying to improve, offer restitution. Show goodness, kindness.
6. Become a student of healthy living. Want to learn. Study good psychology, emotional and relational skills.
6 steps to be in a change process (takes time to unfold!):
1. Focus on decency, cleanness, goodness.
2. Show self restraint (put the brakes on when you feel the need to pop off, be critical, impatient). There are other people in the room.
Slow down, be patient of what's going on in the life of other people.
3. Be patient. Narcissistic are very impatient, it's part of their judgemental spirit, of their sense of entitlement. The patient person knows it takes time to coordinate.
4. Be honest. Let people know about your successes, and failures.
5. Be a listener. Be interested in what other people have to say, be willing to know what is behind the scenes.
6. Conscientiousness. Have a sense of courtesy in the community. Make sure your actions (what you think, say and do) is going to impact others in a good way. Be a team player.
7. Tenderness, gentle spirit, as opposed to harshness, forcefulness, dominance.
Can a narcissist change?
Some people will just say that this is BS. Those have an ingrained narcissism, and can not get away from it.
Some will realise some steps are not easy. They require breaking of old habits, the commitment to a better and new ingredients. For them it can happen.
For those who hope someone will change, ask yourselves if you can be the change you want to see.
All of your points are dead-on. If my Narc husband could receive this video and your ideas from a trusted friend, it might make a difference. He will not hear it from me. He really has no friends who know his false-self. I’m the only one who gets to see it... and I don’t dare challenge him or suggest that he might need to change. That makes me a terrible, ungrateful and mean person. I don’t want to annihilate him with criticism, but that is how he would perceive it. I am better off to walk away. I will be the one who continues to look inward and ask for input on my actions and feelings. Thank you for your wise words and understanding. It helps to know that someone gets it.
Yes I’m the only one my narc wife let her guard down to . To show me the real her good and bad but towards friends and family she hide herself and told me she always hid herself since she was a child she will never show them any real side of her and it makes me look like I’m the bad guy because they don’t know her so if I ever speak up about something I know it will seem like a lie .
Thank you sooo much, so much love in your words.
I just want to let you all know, that chance is truly possible. But I'm not that quiet sure, if it depend on the level of narcissism.
I was the worst person, to anyone, to me too.
I had to asked myself go on living or stop. Going on with narcissism was not possible.
Chance is like losing wight of 200 pounds, stop smoking or drinking, becomming an adult...
Not everyone will fix it, but some are changing, but don't wait for it.
I'd like to say a word to all of you, maybe in bad english, maybe it's stupid:
Don't wait for love, you still got it inside. Loving your self means leaving narcissism and narcissistes no matter if it sucks yourself or others.
I realized that I have very strong covert narcissistic traits. I think I very well am one. I have been diagnosed with BPD and have other overlapping cluster B traits. It has been very distressing to me and honestly, I have empathy, so I was confused. I have been an overly sensitive, *empathetic*, compassionate and perceptive person ever since I was young. I recently came across an article about "empathic narcissists". If anyone can relate to what I said here, it is very well worth looking into.
Huge obstacle to overcome is to step out in faith by giving up fear of not being in control... submitting to others... to stop 'doing things my way'
I am new here, but I really enjoy all your videos so far. I wish my narcissistic sister would change. I pray for her everyday. I love her, but I can not be around her. She is so hard to get along with. Thank you for all the knowledge that you are giving me about narcissists. Have a good rest of the week. Connie
Thank you. Dr. C
"Can they change"? This is the first detailed list of behavioral challenges I've seen that convey a sense of Hope. In Faith, I believe that all things are possible. After an honest evaluation of each of the changes- reality and experience have demonstrated that: The NPD, malignant, covert or overt- would have to turn themselves inside out- perform a complete overhaul of themselves, the damage done and be willing to do the work it takes. It seems, that by their very nature- that is not only a practical impossibility, but an inconceivable one. God be with them. Heal the wounds that made them do such harm.
When my ex-wife and I divorced I had a lot of guilt within myself because I would think things like only if I would've been more tentative, or only if I was more understanding about her behavior then maybe we would still be married. But what I know now she is and will be a narcissistic person because she sees there's nothing wrong with her and she did say it's too late to change because she never gotten the help she wanted years ago!
Only if the Narc can admit it, as the old saying goes, If you know you have a problem, your half way there in fixing yourself.
Honestly, I so appreciate where Dr. Carter is coming from in that some of the traits of a narcissist are so easily modified just by a change of thought. But the problem for me is that I spent over 40 years hoping, praying, longing for change and it got worse and worse. Now, because of Dr. Carter's videos I have changed and my reaction is more in alignment with what he is teaching us. Just don't play the game. Don't let the opinion you have of yourself come from someone who is narcissistic. Although, I must admit that the narc in my life still has not changed, my life is a little easier. What I see is narcissists get worse as they get older. People do not need them or admire them or feed their constant need for narcissistic supply so they bleed the people closest to them. Not an easy person to live with that's for sure.
Right, agreedy. But sometimes is hard though.
How to tell him I am worthy? lol. Shut up? Say something?
Wow what a commitment. Not easy for you. Chapeau. The Netherlands
That’s why I can’t stay. Already gave up 23 years. Not going for 23 more. Or even 2 more.
Sheer beauty and simple truth, Dr. Carter. You help me to be strong, grow, heal... and what is more, to remain hopeful and able to believe in love. God bless you... Thank you.
Don't leave yourself a setting duck. That's all I can say.
Dr. Les Carter, thank you. One of the things I've really enjoyed about your videos and your teachings is the fact that you don't demonize the narcissist. The reality is that these are people we love, or have loved. I appreciate the way you call us, the recipients/victims of narcissism to higher ground. Can you please continue to create videos with this bent, they are so helpful, as I come to the realization that I can only change myself and how I react to narcissistic behaviors. Thank you. Keep up the good work.
As we try to come to terms with narcissists the last thing we need to do is spew hate. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I need to remember that point
First of all, just want to say thank you for these amazing messages. Shortly after I was “enlightened” to the idea that my husband might be a narcissist, I listened to two audiobooks and countless other videos trying to find out how to move forward in my interactions with him. Your videos have been the MOST helpful in my understanding of who he is and how I need to think and act in his presence. In an argument we had before I was “enlightened “ I was trying to discuss how important it is to see things from others’ perspective and he responded, “I’m tired of this bull**it. My perspective is my reality and that’s all that matters!!!” If I had any doubt before, I think this video removed the last little bit I had. Again, thank you so much for this video and all the others. You are bringing healing into my life ❤️
My father was a narcissist. He's been dead a year and four days, and I'm positive he remained a narcissist until his last breath. Is that a condemnation on my part, or simply acceptance of who and what he was? My mother, who's birthday is tomorrow, is also a narcissist. As some have said, narcissism is the gift that keeps on giving-even after no contact and death. They make holes in the lives of people, which remain long after separation from them. The narcissist may do whatever he or she wants. It's none of my business anymore.
Unfortunately I think the "change" they make is temporary and conditional. I see some changes or attempts to change but then anything that happens that he doesn't agree with or that upsets him undoes that change. How can one have genuine lasting change? I feel like I am in an emotional unpredictable roller coaster I never know what to expect or believe.
Hi Candy. Yes I agree. As soon as I packed to leave he promised to do counseling, group for his porn addiction, and stop cheating to save our marriage- even polygraphs. I called his bluff. It lasted about a month. As soon as i started to trust a little, get kinda comfy, affection was cut off, a new phone was hidden from me, and suddenly polygraphs make him have anxiety attacks and " why would i put him through that??" like a chameleon..he blended his lies in with a false reality that i wanted to believe. I move on tuesday. Theres no closure. It will hurt. But it is time to be free of this toxicity
@@aprilrains3163 guys: RUN!
Be preparing to leave...especially if children are involved.
I've come to realize that and I knew that I have to leave. I packed up my bags while he was asleep and just ran away!
I wish I could click the thumbs up sign a thousand times. This might sound unusual but do you ever connect with people? Are you on Facebook? I could really use friends who understands
The only thing that changed my narcissistic ex was when he became a Christian..for the 21 years of marriage he never said he loved me..valued me or was glad he married me...he never called me by my name or wanted to do one thing to change..years later he accepted Christ ..when he passed away the people who talked about him loved him..the person they spoke about was someone I never knew..I was married to an angry controlling and resentful young man..I did not know the older kind caring generous man..I wished I had been married to that person.
I really like how you talk about this broken world. And that every one has something that we can work on. And how the change process works.
Clearly you think things through well. Dr. C
I hope there are people out there struggling with these tendencies who would heed this advice. In my experience, the narcissist would not only not make these changes, but would laugh at the people 'pathetic' enough to attempt these changes. THAT is a narcissist
I have a small level of narcissism, but it is there. And even for me, it is quite hard for me to change. Upon discovering that I was infact a narcissist, it was world-shattering to me. I've wanted to change/not accept that I could be such a monster, but it's more of a defense mechanism. The only issue is, I don't remember where it all began... I feel so selfish now that I'm self aware, and the only thing I could think of is to separate myself from the world to avoid hurting others. If only I didn't have an ego, life would've been so much easier. Goodluck to anyone else. Until then, your friendly masked narc.
You're not alone Patrick
Im a narcissist. I discovered after losing all if not most of my friends. I dont talk to my family anymore and i always have temper. Basically what you said. I just want to change.
But i donk know if it was intentional or through a string of different factors both past and present that has brought me to the point where i am now. Regardless i want to change if not for people, then for myself. I want to be happy in my own life.
I just dont see how anyone could give these videos a thumbs down....
Oh, wait, I get it.....i understand now.
You're catching on! Dr. C
I appricate your pod casts.
My experience, is oh yes they can change, for the WORSE.
You have a point. Dr. C
Do you know who it is that tells you they never lie? You got it! A liar.
Dear Dr Carter I certainly have learned a lot Bout MYSELF from these narc videos- although I watched initially be cause of others. You are a great help.
In spiritual terms this is called “Doing the work”
@MzNettyBird
. There is a process that parallels the 4th step of recovery groups but is many times deeper that can be utilized by Bible believing Christians. It's called "The Steps to Freedom in Christ." The compiler of this process is Dr. Neil T. Anderson, who has written many books on spiritual freedom. It can peel several 'layers' at a time.
I love this video, Dr C! I’m bookmarking this one. These are wonderful guidelines for _all of us_ to keep in mind about ourselves as well as healthy boundaries within our relationships. I just about always welcome healthy criticism and discussion because I’m sincerely invested in learning and growing. Sometimes we are too in our heads and the perspective of somebody else can rally bring clarity. Biblical wisdom here, refining one another in love, possible via the release of pride. God bless you and have a wonderful day!
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22-23
Yes to all this! Dr. C
Yeah, this video inspired me to think about my faults! Having been told by exploitive people that I had certain faults, and finding that they were lying was painful. I wasn't what they said - in the positive or negative sense! It was all a fictional image of me they used to exploit me. So, to really reclaim who I am, I have to name and claim my real faults! Of course, I won't be telling a narc what's wrong with me! That would be self sabotage -- and I've learned a few things. :)
The key phrasing that perked my ears in this video is narcissist tendencies, which covers a big ground and includes me. While I landed on this page to find out about how others "can" change in my life, like a good sermon this video convicts my own heart. Thanks, Holly for sharing.