Say "NO" more!!
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- čas přidán 4. 09. 2024
- It's been a long time since I just straight up gave advice on this channel with no story or sarcasm; but this was something that was on my mind a lot lately. It also felt like a good opportunity to experiment with something visually different (more quick, poorly drawn but silly and stupid-looking art).
EDIT:
Previously titled "Say "NO" more!!", but it felt as if maybe this could communicate the intent better.
There is also a bit of confusion about the term "default answer" from some people, which means what your internal compass is pointing to, not that you immediately say out loud "no".
I'm not saying you always have to immediately reject everything and help no one. More kindness in the world is good; but that is also why kindness can be misattributed and misused. Doing things out of kindness cannot come at the expense of yourself and only pleasing others.
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Music: からっぽのおもちゃ箱 - DovaSyndrome
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#animation #animated
Back in the 1960's in Sweden a man asked if I wanted a pet monkey. I replied "no". I had a mundane event free life afterwards
Same
lol
Did you have a hockey stick with you?
the deep mattias lore callout. I see you.
"What does that even- ohhhhh"
I’ve learned that it’s easy to feel like you need some eloquent reason for saying no, but sometimes “because I don’t want to” is the only reason you need
Always "because I don't want to" is enough and it's the kindest thing you can tell yourself and anyone
that's the answer you give to a narcissist. works every time.
and you use it every time. anything less gives the narcissist an invitation to try harder.
“Yes is a lot harder to turn into a No.”
This sentence made something inside my brain clicked. I needed this video more than I thought, thank you Mattias Pilhede.
Another win for the personality machine!
Turning a yes into no feels like breaking an already established comittment, whereas no into yes feels like you're just pleasantly surprising the other party.
This was the perfect time for me to see this video. I'm in the process of transitioning from a doormat into an actual human being, and this advice is golden. Thank you!
before you finish your transformation and get all busy, why don't you forward $500 in cash straight into my bank account?
Thanks,
-- Definitely not someone who walks on doormats
Me too! I've not been a doormat, I've just been incredibly tolerant of relations where I am 100% the one adapting to the other person. I't makes me feel not seen. I dont need that. It doesn't recharge me... Im replying to texts with stuff like "no, i dont feel like hanging out". End of message. 🤯
Ты всегда человек
this gives a very funny mental image
yeah self-respect feels weird when you've gone your whole life without it. it's like if you had a neglectful parent suddenly start validating and appreciating you, a mix of "omg finally this is all i wanted" and "what TOOK you so long?! why now?" like joy and anger, resolve and resentment, a reevaluation of so many relationships you'd held close that you now see were one-sided. you deserved better, you deserve better
Unlearning to be a people-pleaser is an arduous and sometimes scary process but it makes you discover things you never really felt before. That said, if helping others is something that makes you feel fulfilled, that's a reward in and of itself! Just don't forget to help yourself in all of it.
I really like your work, I hope you have a nice day.
I see you doing this on twitter. It's very good and important
Remember kids, you can always say "no" if your opponent tries to activate nibiru
Based and true. Genuinely.
I appreciate seeing you here, but yeah. Unlearning being a people pleaser for the sake of doing things that make people truly happy in the long run is a thing. We are too happy to be a crutch and need to stop.
No. I don’t need this advice.
That’s your choice, I’m not going the help you.
@@THECHEESELORD69 you need help with grammar but no, I won’t help you.
So what? You are still going to watch it
@@aleon117 by telling me what I need help with you have helped me, wait and by telling you that you have helped me is helping you to formulate a response. I do believe I have failed in not helping you.
thats the spirit!
"So what?"
*A rift opens up in reality as existence starts to fall to pieces*
*as the stars themselves collide this man stares down with an unchanging expression*
thank you for this advice, strange slime that replaced the real mattias pihede
I thought it's a strange plum..
I'd assumed some sort of root vegetable, like a weird turnip
@@Ulthuanelf I thought it was a pallet swap of trubbish
@@Funcijejwith a little nose too
@@Ulthuanelf an odd raddish per se
"Default answer is no" is honestly a good place to start with boundaries, I did there too!
I usually don't really care where I am in life so the reason I do it is to actually also give myself time to weigh the options properly lmao
Do you wish to live?
Here's the problem, I'm so used to assume the default is "no", that I never ask for any favors because, you guessed it, the answer is guaranteed to be "no". And I don't feel comfortable convincing others to switch it to a "yes" because that's less convincing and more like coercing people against their will.
There was a video game that came out a few years ago that also talked about the same themes.
also was called "Say NO More". If you haven't played it yet, I'd think you'd like it.
I didn't realise that but it definitely looks interesting, I think I will have to check it out now
Yeah it’s pretty good lol
n
i remember seeing the trailer for that!
It seems like it's on sale on Steam until July 29.
I used to say yes a lot. A lot of people I've known would act sad if I told them no, so I got used to being helpful and agreeable to avoid that feeling of disappointing others, but saying yes to everything led me to very dark places.
NO, I will NEVER use this advice... Wait....
If you refuse to use this advice you never needed it.
I think I needed to hear this.
No.
I AM UNDONE
@@oomoom9714so what?
Why?
You did NOT need to see this video. You should YES YOURSELF! NOW!
This is very accurate and helpful!!
After living with a manipulative parent for a long while, you learn how to stop doing things for them and learn to say "no".
My favourite advice is that in literally any situation, you can just leave if you don't like it!
Amazing vid, Matt :3c
Sometimes saying "no" now circumvents having to say "no" with extra emotional baggage and suffering later, an unfortunate lesson of living passively as a "yes"/confrontational avoidance person for many years. Really great advice, also feeling blessed for having so many good mattias videos recently!
My problem is definitely having to adapt to my situations constantly to the point where I feel like I don't know myself sometimes. This was a lovely video and I'm so glad I'm subscribed to your channel! It served as a healthy reminder of how to set boundaries in an understandable way while still having your usual charm to it.
I just played an indie game called Say "NO" More. Very good and very funny. Shoutout Studio Fizbin
How is this supposed to save my brain if a monkey wants to eat my brains, just say no?
I can't agree more. I had a "friend" who was basically using me. Though I was fine with it, I didn't like how frequent and intrusive it become. Even if I had my own plans, or want to rest after a day of work, they'll go pressure me to do come over while saying "no pressure", "I'm just joking", and "you're just overthinking it".
Until one day, I had a plans to go a city fair. I told them basically no because of my plans. They "jokingly" said "Oh, so you choose the fair over me" with other insults as "jokes". I just snap back, protecting my boundary. They give me some sob "I thought we're friends" texts. I stop reading when I saw "I'm blocking you now".
Real friends can take no and respect your boundaries. Fake friends gets upset and throw tantrums when you say no. You deserve real friends.
I lost my independent life a month ago and so now I’m back with my parents, jobless, waiting for a postgraduate course to start and so now I’m learning to love myself, not just lay the hand I’m dealt optimistically but love myself without validation from others.
This was advice I need right now
i wish people just straight up told me "no" more instead of stringing me along or avoiding the question or not giving a clear answer, its more hurtful and frustrating.
also while i do think its good to say no more for things like favors, if it is something like giving something a try or hanging out and doing something i think people should start yes more. Maybe its just me but i see a lot of people refusing to even give things a try because they only want to stay in their bubble and never try anything new
giving new things a try and doing stuff with my friends, not inherently only because i wanted to do the thing, but because i enjoy spending time with my friends, has given me a lot of lovely experiences and interests and things to love. Not because im a people pleaser but because i enjoy giving things a chance and showing appreciation, i think THATS what we need more of :)
Edit: I suppose this thing i read kinda sums it up??
"1. You say ‘yes’ to everything to avoid disappointing others
Boundary fail 101. If you’re someone who lives to people-please or has difficulty with assertive communication, saying yes to everrryyything will likely be your default mode. The problem with this is that your behaviour and decisions are made out of obligation and expectation rather than being aligned with your needs and values.
Next time you’re compelled to say “yes” - ask yourself, are you being motivated by expectation, guilt or pressure? On the flip side, is this “yes” empowered and helping move you towards your best self?
2. You say ‘no’ to everything to avoid stepping outside your comfort zone
On the flip-side, you can brandish the boundary-claim to low-key avoid any possible discomfort or embarrassment that might come with taking a risk or trying something new. Chilling in the comfort zone is cosy, but you don’t learn much or grow there.
Next time you say “no” - ask yourself, is your need for comfort and safety keeping you small? Is there potential for growth and learning by saying “yes” to something new and maybe a bit scary?"
that first part is the realest for me. maybe it mostly has to do with me having autism but when I ask something or say something, and they dont just tell me yes or no and instead beat around the bush or straight up lie because they think its gonna "hurt my feelings"... or agree to do something but act pissy about it the whole time it drives me up the god damn wall. literally nothing makes me feel more upset and distrustful towards someone than not giving me a straightforward reply, no matter how good intentioned it is.
Also, totally agree that more people should be open to new things. theres so many things the world has to offer and I feel like people would be less awful if everyone were open to different environments and people and experiences. We are very similar in the regard that we like to try things, and since I've become more open minded I've felt like a much more fulfilled person, I encourage anyone to do the same :)
Thanks for the nice and relatable comment ^^
Please let people know this in a polite way. A lot of the time it's because of abuse they received as a child for being neurodivergent and it's not really their fault that they're "stringing you along".
Real shit, you're not owed an explanation. Be more perceptive of when people aren't interested or leave them easy ways out so they can be more honest with you. Some people enjoy where they are, while you may find new experiences enjoyable, not everyone else will or even will want to try. It's their life, give them a prod, but if they don't agree then leave them be.
@@spookiixi"read the room!" If I wanted to read the room I would not be talking to you.
I suppose you don't want me to tell how many tiles this room has but I will tell anyway. 568. It's not hard to give a straight answer before I make that number 567.
@@Veltrossthothats why im saying here that more people should be deciding for themselves to be more open to new things
The problem is, I'm never gonna say no, because of the implication.
What implication?
the implications
Dennis, are you going to hurt these women?
@@Pebphiz No, of course not. But they don't know that.
@@jamesrichards2720 because people think of themselves more important than the other, they will jump to a conclusion where they aren't the bad guy
i was just doing something not good, and this video popoed up with notifications. sings everywhere
One thing I'd like to add is that changing your default response to "No" is also a wonderful way to see if you're actually making choices or not.
If your default response is "Yes" and when you swap your default response to "No", you immediately no longer accept anything and say no to everything, that means that you weren't (and still aren't) making any choices, you're literally just going with the flow. There's no expression of self, just inertia from the surrounding elements.
From personal experience, I don't have a "default answer" for most things and this does lead to some mild frustration to other people because I always stop to think how to answer what they want, but it also lets me make more informed decisions and make my own choices.
If you actually want to help people or be helpful, changing your default answer to "No" is crucial because it'll allow you to actually choose what to do. Doing things because it's your default state is no more of a choice than letting habit dictate how to live the rest of your life.
my main issue with yes manning is like you mentioned: "promises you can't keep". agreeing to help with a project way out of your depth and eventually flaking after a wasted week of work or double booking and having to trim the fat. if you just learn your limitations and comfortability you'll save a lot of time and become better for it. people don't take "no"s are hardly as we think they will. we always work it up way worse in our heads. good friends will understand and family will forgive you
1 minute in love this already. The idea of no as rude is what makes yes a toxic answer, value your integrity over your dignity and you might be a little happier and less stressed. If you're not interested in commiting why agree to do so just to put in a half effort or to ditch last minute. It's not dissapointing if there isn't an expectation of respocibility.
No, I think I'll keep saying yes
you did it
Big massive huge fan of that lil Pop Team Epic character btw
I thought "this looks a bit like "Pop Team Epic" after I had finished the drawings, and then later I looked at an image to compare and realised it look way more like Popuko than I had realised. My defense is that I didn't realise, and that Pop Team Epic is a good show.
@@MattiasPilhede so what? :3
It's for me funny because I just got the opposite advise from my psychologist to do the Yes man method by basically saying everything yes. Because I said too much no
I'm really glad that i've never had trouble telling people no in my life, I know a lot of people that just can't bring themselves too, and it only leads them to unhappiness, wasted time, injury, or money loss.
yes
No.
@@MattiasPilhede Is "nah" an acceptable variation?
@@Stevie-J it's good for when you're feeling lazy
@@lazergurka-smerlin6561 How about "Let me think about it", followed by walking away never to be seen again?
@@lonestarr1490Be careful, some might come back.
the tile remimded me of a video game "Say No! More"
This is what the ethics of Objectivism are really about. It's okay to help the people you care about, but not at the cost of your own life.
"Guh"-That girl in the thumbnail
I noticed that the channel mascot [the thing that represents the narrator to be more accurate] changes often. In this one it's a little turnip thing, but in the tea video, it was a humanoid insect of some kind. Is this an artistic choice (to fit the theme of the video for example), or do you just change it when you come up with a design you like more?
Sorry in advance if this sounds rude btw, genuine question
Before it has been the case that it was meant to represent a character and not myself. In this case, it's more that I just felt that it would be boring to draw myself as a human. It's very just situational and depends on my mood for the time.
@@MattiasPilhede Based
Love the short and sweet advice! It will defiantly help someone, I had to learn this the hard way.❤
This is a nice video, but I feel like I'm beyond helping. No amount of rational can change the inherent feeling of saying "no". I don't give everyone my all because I get something out of it, I do it because I feel like I lose everything if I don't.
I don't say yes because I've weighed up my options and think doing so will work out well for me, so no matter how well someone can sell "saying no more" to me, it changes nothing. I say yes for the same reason my hand retracts from a burning stove I accidentally lent on. It's an innate, intrinsic emotion so painful that I would gladly make the decision a million times over to sacrifice everything to avoid it. And even if I wasn't willing to give up who I am for others, it doesn't make a difference because how that feels and how the chemicals in my brain react to it isn't a "choice" I'm making.
My only hope is that one day I say say to something that breaks me beyond my capability to say yes anymore.
im gonna be completely honest, it sounds like you need possibly better people to be around, and therapy
@@scribblecloud I've had non-stop therapy since I was about 10, which adds up to well over a decade of therapy altogether.
I think therapy is good, but my mind feels broken. I genuinely believe it is just wrong in a way that can't be changed by willpower or cbt or changing mindsets alone.
I don't blame anyone for the way I am. Everyone in my life has only wanted the best for me, but it feels so beyond my control. I can try to get better and do all the right things, but its never changed how little I enjoy life. It feels like a part of my humanity is just missing, and there is no brain action I can take to create something from nothing.
How many types of therapy have you tried during all those years? If all you have done is CBT, maybe it's time to say yes to other therapies, probably somatic ones if a talking one isn't really doing much for these things that seem to be an issue for you. If you've done therapies of all types then disregard this comment entirely.
Underrated advice for sure. Thanks, Mattias!
best youtube creator out there -- every single video is an insanely fun watch!
I stopped trying to adapt myself to all the expectations and instead started learning how to be comfortable with taking up space for myself as me and getting to know myself first. Long story, I'm trans now, and I've never been happier.
I did not expect a straight forward advice video to come out of Mattias Pilhede channel but good advice!
no, no, he got a point.
Thank you round vegetable man.
Can we get a sequel for help with saying yes more often? 😂
there's a cool 1-2 hour game with this exact title and premise it's pretty fun
Moral of the story, don’t be a pushover😁👍
I needed this.
Took me decades to learn this.
Thank you for making this video
You're putting out a lot of good videos lately.Good job.
"please get the epipen from my bedroom, my brother is going to die"
"so what"
2:01 Ok /dismissively has the same result. Being apathetic isn't good either, choose when you care, and ask why do I care and am I caring about me. Love yourself and the people that deserve your yes, will love you and the people that don't love you when you love yourself, and when you say no. Don't deserve you to say yes.
To consider that "no" is typically a persons default for the billions of people who they don't know - having the mindset that that changes for the people you do know can create situations where you avoid getting to know people for the sake of not being taken advantage of.
It creates this subconscious envy where you want the lesser responsibilities that you have when not knowing a person, instead of suddenly being forced (by the default yes) to do whatever somebody tells you - as long as you know that person
This information is so helpful. Thank you
God bless there's useful videos appearing more frequently like this. More people gotta learn how to be individuals and be real.
I should have done this earlier, but I set the alarm so that when you upload a video I can see it.
They are just too good and it makes no sense not to see them. I hope it helps the people I sent the video to as much as it helped me.
Very, very good video Mattias!
Your default answer should be no because :
- worked for my friend
- try it once
- it’s not a big deal
- others didn’t believe
- I know the secret
And so much more !!!
You think those reasons aren’t "good enough" ? SO WHAT if they’re not good ?
Man, I love your videos.
Somehow, I already learned to utilise "no" and "so what".
Thank you, Carl. This is a good video.
FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
This advice is good for introverts happy with themselves right now. I've been there.
But I tried a new strategy when I was ready to get out there and put on my socialite mask -
Say yes to EVERYTHING (within reason)
Somebody asks you to join their trivia team, yes.
Somebody asks you to dinner, yes. Somebody asks you on a boat ride, yes.
Somebody asks you on a road trip down south with friends YES.
Set up personal boundaries. But if somebody wants you to do something with them - thats fckn cool and worth doing.
They're asking YOU - What is there to be anxious about? They ASKED you. They want you there. And any anxieties you may have, are part of the person they asked.
My last 2 years have been awesome with this strategy, again - using my best judgement to stay away from weirdos.
And if it feels better than just 'no', I find a simple 'sorry, I can't' goes a long way
This might be exactly what I needed to hear today, and probably every day.
No.
No?
No!
This is genuinely good advice
HELL YEAH SAY NO!!!!!!!!!
30 seconds in and you've already kinda blown my mind
This is actually really helpful
Always remmeber: "No." is a complete sentence. It needs no further elaboration.
there's actually a game by the same title as this video, go play it
moral of the story, avoid manipulators and bad people 🤯
Thank you. It's difficult at times for me to put my needs at first even though I know it's what I should do. Sometimes the world can be quite insensitive and misunderstand that, but even if I still may have a hard time finding stable footing, it's comforting to be reminded that it is okay.
thank you people pleasers are so anoying smh.
play Say No! More babyyyyyyyyyy game of the year every year
I feel like I’ve never really had this problem. I’m not much of a people pleaser and people usually had to convince me to do things, but now I try to push myself out of my comfort zone and if someone is like asking a group chat for help or is taking a long shot asking around I want to be the type of person who jumps at that and helps if I have nothing better to do. I think everyone needs a friends who doesn’t push back and tries to be there when you legitimately need help. I’m not saying I’ve always been that, but I want to try to be that person and become an active member of my communities/ friend groups. I want to be reliable.
I guess it’s the other side of the coin. People pleasers should be more discerning and self serving and self-isolationists should be more open and considerable. Both people are sabotaging themselves a bit.
Number 2 is why I walk away from (some) beggars and (all) activists
Or even better, make your default answer "I don't know" until you actually decide. That way you're never stuck on "yes" or "no".
theres a video game about this
I think being an introvert and getting friends makes you scared to loose them thus leading you to be a people pleaser and not really saying no like you illustrated
(Btw i love your videos and your advice, art and voice is very enlightening)
Problem is, I still live in an environment where saying "no" more means being punished more.
Somehow this video came to me right as i was feeling similar conflicting feelings. Thanks for this!
Also, never expect gratitude if you are helping someone. Because otherwise, you will become frustrated and jaded if you do not receive any.
Cherish people who are grateful, and avoid people who are not.
There's a fine line between setting your boundaries and being a dick. Defaulting to a 'no' and expecting reasoning for incoming demands are a great policy, in my eyes. Walking away from a dialogue without even excusing yourself could be very rude. The other person might start treating you the same way afterwards. I personally find that remaining at least superficially polite is easy enough most of the time, and is usually met in kind.
I love your art style so much.
Blue tomato gives us amazing advice again
Ok, I'll do it, say no more.
I despise asking people for help. I utterly loathe the idea of relying on others.
If there's something I need to be done, and that other person is vital for it to work, then doesn't pitch in, even if theu agreed to it earlier, I'm screwed. And all I get is a bowl of disappointment.
So I came with the mindset, "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself."
From understanding the reason behind this video, it seems many do not know how to tell who is a manipulater or genuine. I can see why this perspective is necessary for those unable to identify people behind their masks.
Give yourself respect and make others earn it.
This makes me realize my default answer is "no" in most situations
No, I already do this too much, but also yes, Im gonna keep saying no
When passing a homeless person on the street, most people, I assume, would like to be able to give, either they believe, or know that they can't, and instead of politely saying "sorry I have nothing to give at this time" they ignore the person. This just feeds into this weird isolationism of modern society, and is a perfect example of how something rooted in trying to do right by others, inadvertently causes damage.
_"So what?"_ can be further distilled into an even stronger _"And?"_
I'm actually in the reverse situation, trying to be a yes man for some years, because saying no to social situations is a surefire way to get time for yourself but not have enough to do with it.
2:03 "The climate around earth is changing unusually fast and causing disasters such as forest fires? So what."
There's a video game called the same as this video. Quotes and exclamation included pretty sure.
Will use this tip next time i'm at public congress
For some people, the opposite applies. I need to say yes more.
Good advice. I've done this for years. It kept me from doing a few fun things in school but also helped me stop being a tool. I actually have to turn it off from being paralyzed with the "why" of simple things like doing small favors for people I love 😅.
I didnt expect actually good advice from this channel, props
Say "no" more?
Say no more!
no
No, I don't want more amazing uploads
God I needed that