The three colours of friendship
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- čas přidán 15. 04. 2024
- Friends (and friendships) can come in many different forms - some good, some bad, some... dramatic.
While we can't change the individual people in our lives for the better, we usually can change the quality of our relationships with them. We do this by showing up differently, getting clear on our boundaries, and/or learning how to be our true selves.
This video tells a simple story to help you do just this. And it can be a friendship game-changer.
Edit: I feel the need to make clear that this video doesn’t advocate for cutting people off. Rather, it’s about the importance of being our true selves around others (as opposed to compromising ourselves in order to keep the peace). Ultimately, unless someone has been abusive to us and/or poses a threat, I believe we rarely need to cut others out of our lives. Instead, if we choose to be our unapologetic selves, then those we spend time with will reveal whether they are green or orange for us. That’s how you get rid of yellow.
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Btw, Betwixt is a fantasy text-based adventure game that helps you combat stress and anxiety while journeying through the magical world of the In-Between. Download it on the iOS AppStore and Google Play 🤍
#friendship #friend #breakup #friendshipbreakup #goodfriend #therapy #therapist #therapistadvice #storytelling #storytime #storytimemagic #psychology #psychologytips #honesty #authenticity #betruetoyourself #yourtrueself #authenticself #liveyourlife #fittingin #socialanxiety
My philosophy…Friends for a reason. Friends for a season. Friends for life.
This is a perfect way to put it!
OMG thank you. I had a lot of friends for a season and always wondered why I lost them over time. You explained it perfectly.
That's a brilliant way to think of them and it sounds poetic.
💯💯💯💯🏆🏆🏆
Friends for a reason- Orange
Friends for a season- Yellow
Friends for a lifetime- Green
I really believe that if people want to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO!!!! That sadly included some blood family members. I don’t walk away from people to teach them a lesson, I walk away because I finally learned MY LESSON!!!!
Yes♥️ Once you See It, you Cannot UNsee It ♥️
Totally agree with this 💯
True friends are forever though
@@karolinanie5946 is there such a thing as true friends ? Genuine question. I got called a jolly good friend buy a woman who had known me 2 weeks ? I really don't like using the word friends unless that you went to school together lol I call everyone and acquaintance and I think that's my self-protection going up. Calling someone a friend as soon as you meet I think is a bit fickle. Each to their own. But true friends I'm not sure. Perhaps I would call them jolly good friends or close friends but having lost everyone I put value on my second dog buddy now that little guy is unconditional and he's a jolly good friend always there when I need him is my shadow who licks up my tears and gives me a purpose to get up in the morning :) I've had so many "friends" take my business elsewhere and just turn on me that I've kind of giving up on humanity to a large degree but that's just me.
Totally agree
Another point to add here; if someone is seemingly cutting you out of their life, it's not always about you. People who develop depression, which isn't always obvious, often become retracted and avoid social interactions wherever possible. I went through a bad patch in my life in my twenties and became very reclusive. Even my phone ringing would be enough to fill me with dread and give me panic attacks. I don't blame anyone but myself, but thought I'd share my reasons.
So true. Almost "lost" my best friend to depression. Luckily we were able to talk things out in the long run, but for almost a year we had no contact and I let it happen, because you can't force people to be with you (and you don't want to).
I totally agree, I think it’s because I didn’t feel worthy of the friendship as my depression and self esteem was so bad.
Excellent point. I’m aware I do this
I know someone exactly like that. She will do anything for you in an emergency but NO social interaction at all. I know she's had a difficult time with primarily her overly possessive mother and I used to call her 'the Goodbye Girl' as she's always getting dumped. She WAS a model but now overweight and very reclusive. Thanks for your comment, I thought it was me! Even though I'd heard her saying 'It's not you!'on her 'phone to a friend she'd been ignoring the same way.
thank you!!
I love it when toxic people leave. It’s like the trash took itself out
lol :)
If you have one good true friend, you have more than most.
I also think it's important to not demonize someone who decides to "get rid of" us. If we're perceived as someone's yellow, that's valid. Why would we chastise someone who is doing the very thing we are trying to do? Maybe they aren't capable of seeing our green, or perhaps we are living inauthentically. I personally feel like the most accurate measurement of the state of our mental health is where we place focus. If we make everything about other people, and refuse to reflect and look at ourselves - we are refusing to be accountable...we are yellow pretending to be green. We are the problem. Period.
hmmmm
Yesssss. We need to re-evaluate what color WE are.
LOL jolly good point @jessica0321
I've never supported anyone who ends their comment by saying "Period", as if they have all the answers, are the sole possessor of the correct view and leave no room for others to breathe, to honor their own wisdom.
It is immature and arrogant. Period.
See how that feels?
Yet, I liked your comment because everything else you said was truth, in my opinion.
Very mature of u !
For us neurodivergent types, being authentic can make oranges respond with hostility bc you're not following social rules and it freaks them out. It took me a while to realize that is not a bad thing even though it feels like they hate you. All it's doing is showing you in very clear terms that you and that person are so very different that you will never be friends. And it makes you cherish the few greens in your life that accept all your oddness.
Yesss!! Perfectly put!!
Anything that highlights someone's shadow is going to greatly trigger them - because you are forcing someone to reconcile the parts of themselves they do NOT want to look at. Most people are not living authentically because they're deathly afraid of being judged or shunned. Imagine (I guess you don't have to) the jealously/resentment that is generated towards someone who doesn't care, and is living freely. I agree with you. I'm sorry you've had to come to that conclusion, but how cool is it that you did. The truth will set you free! :)
@@jessica0321 Excellent comment! Finding people who are being their true selves while being your own true self is a challenge, but when you find one and you become friends it is golden.
@@JSaveK Indeed! And perhaps we appreciate it that much more, which adds to the experience. :)
Studies have actually found that while there seems to be a communication barrier between neurotypical and neurodivergent people, the neurotypican people communicate with each others just fine and the neurodivergent people also communicate with each others just fine. It feels like neurodivergent and neurotypical people interacting is just two too different cultures trying to communicate despite they'll never match.
The good news is, when you focus on your genuine interests in life, you're more likely going to meet other neurodivergent people who are also more likely to have the same interest as you, compared to the neurotypical people. So, rather than trying to find the "matching friends", just do whatever makes you genuinely happy in life, and you'll find the like-minded people that will make great friends.
This seems absolutist. I find different people have different needs for friendship and different friend functions. Some are best for doing stuff with. Some want to talk. Some want to move ahead in a growth mindset and want comrades for accountability.
Yes! I agree. I like her points and they're causing me to think... but I think different people serve different functions in our life and it shouldn't be all or nothing. I have friends that I can't go deep with but we enjoy museums and art together. I have other friends that I can't be totally vulnerable with or count on in a crisis but we have great big laughs and it makes the world lighter.
I think there are rings of friendship. Like looking at an onion cut in half and you're the center. You have your close people at the first ring, then friends but not ride or dies, and it gets less close as you go out. Not every person is meant to know and understand you completely. I think her analysis of green friends is a good measure for who you get close and intimate with. And her talk about yellow friends is a reminder to let go of those friends that aren't a fit or maybe you're still friends with by obligation. But there are many people you can connect with and enjoy who don't fully know or accept you.
Exactly! I have many friends in the green who have some completely different opinions and some differing values on things. But, we all still manage to get along perfectly and agree to disagree on things respectfully. It’s eye opening to see different perspectives
Your authentic self might change between certain circumstances (work, school, friends) but it is not absolutist to say that if you have to be inauthentic to get along with someone, something has gone wrong.
@@CTHD13 Yes, but that wasn't the sole message and criteria here. I've been thinking a lot about friendships after I saw so many friendship patterns during the time I was caring for my father and his wife. Friendship is conditional. I saw the many types of conditions so my conclusion is that it is best to have different types of friendships, including strong acquaintanceships based on doing things together and living in community. Also, model the kind of friendship you want. That can shape some relationships. And, replying to her last point: I don't mind being invited to dinner parties to fill the table. That can work for me.
I don't think this was intended as a way to categorize everyone in your life into 3 precise buckets, but rather to provide a way to simplify complex social relationships in a manner we can more easily understand. Maybe some people are green in some circumstances and yellow or orange in others.The overall takeway was don't make yourself yellow to fit in because you are not serving yourself or the others involved well by doing so. (But maybe you can be green with those same people in a different setting!)
Well, at the risk of sounding cheesy (who, me?!) Kermit said it first: it's not easy being green. This is great; thank you.
Hahahahha! I should have included that clip, omg 😂
But Kermit also said it makes him very happy 🐸
I had a green friend, a friend of about 30+ years, but she died a year ago and I miss her so much. Now I have friends that are green with a bit of yellow mixed in. Good friends - but I do have to hold something back. But we do need some people in our lives. The result is that I'm starting to isolate myself up to a degree. don't get me wrong, I'm very happy in my own company but I'm a bit lonely. Lonely for the green.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel--when you have a truly green friend, those bits of yellow in other friendships can feel like neon. Sending you love.
I miss my green friend too. *Hugs*
💐 lonely for the green, that's a good way to put it. I feel the same way
💐 lonely for the green, that's a good way to put it. I feel the same way
💐 lonely for the green, that's a good way to put it. I feel the same way
I guess this explains why, after 60yrs I can count my friends on one hand. Thank you.
Me too. I no longer need to have many friends.
I had a dear friend, who unfortunately died last year. She used to always say that a person is really lucky if they have just a few good friends. I think most don't have more than a handful of real friends. Some collect a lot of aquaintences. As long as times are good and you have lots to offer, they'll be around. If your life really fell apart, they tend to scatter. Heard about it many times w/ divorces or illness.
The world needs love.
Everyone can count their friends on one hand.
I only had yellow friends at some point in my life during uni and only one green friend that was far away. Once I understood that(not really by colors) and because of life changing it all made sense why I felt lonely even though I never really was. Only party friends, only friends that want your presence as long as you’re fun. Only friends that sucked up all my energy. Nobody was even calling me to just ask how I was doing once they realized I wasn’t partying and going out like before, only the occasional invites just in case.
I cut all ties and forced myself to learn to be alone. Best decision ever, never felt lonely anymore and everything went in place overtime, new important relationships included even though very few but thats exactly how I like it now. The problem was me, I though I had this big need to have friends left and right so I could never be alone and I was missing on really good people like my hb just to mention 1. I would have nevet met or noticed him wasting my time with the people I went out before.
Wow, this is depressing. I've never had a green friend. Those of you who do have been given such a gift.
work on self-love and the green ones will come around~🫧🙏🏼💛🙏🏼🫧
@@kaoruM33 please please please, no victim blaming. Eg: How do you know this person lacks self-love? It's just circumstantial for most people....and we should be as neutral & stoic about it as we possibly can: happiness comes from within, not from other people.
Speaking from my experience, finding one is hard. All I did throughout those years is focusing on the things I like to do and deal with yourself as whole. You can meet friends that have same interest that you have and remember, be open yet firm with your guts meeting a new person.
I don't think so I'll ever have green friends as of now
@@kaoruM33 Woo woo bullshit. The universe is not just. Karma is not real. Lots of wonderful people suffer for no good reason, and certainly no fault of their own. And lots of scumbags prosper.
Don't think for a moment that work friends are friends. Some business like to tout the We're One Big Happy Family line, but that's just to squeeze more of your energy out of you. My best friend is my dog 😊
Same
Puppy love❤
So we had a new guy at work. New to the area and new to the job.
I tried to be nice and give him a verbal tour of the facility ( where the bathrooms, break rooms and other amenities are)
He stopped me and said he's here to work and doesn't need any more friends.
Me : cool bruh 👍
I'm guessing he gave that attitude to everyone because about a week later, he complained that everyone there was unfriendly.
Me : Nah, they probably just don't need any more friends.
Amen!!
Maybe true for people higher up than you, but not so much if they're on equal footing. I have several close friends I met at terrible jobs, that we left ages ago, and they are still the kind of people that if I call them for help they'd be like, "tell me what you need and I'm there."
The memory trigger. 23 years ago I received a phone call from my friend in England at 1am a few days into Jan. She said she rang to let me know this time of the year she cleared out her address book of people she wasn’t friends with any more, and I was one of those people. I was shocked and she shared some reasons eg me not visiting her when I said I would. She stayed with me whenever she came back to Australia and we were in regular contact. I shared how much I loved her and valued our friendship. She said I knew nothing about her. That was the last time we spoke. All these years later, writing this makes me feel the same emotions that arose during that phone call. I miss her.
The fact you still think about her almost a quarter of a century later shows how badly her decision backfired though of course she’ll never know that.
I’m so, so sorry you experienced that 🩶🩶🩶🩶
I can almost feel your pain. I send you a big hug from here ❤
Someone dear to me just disappeared out of my life about 10yrs ago and I still miss her. I've made peace with it once I realised that she had opportunity to address any issues with me and clearly chose not to. I dont want friends like that. It sounds like your friend chose same... 😢
@@diosadeamoren
I've walked away from friendships that were toxic and one sided
Absolutely, and you do not owe any toxic people or those who just cannot be bothered an explanation no matter how long you have known them. Why should anyone have to explain to "grown" adults how to conduct themselves or reciprocate. If you did not learn this in primary or secondary school, that's your problem. We don't know what type of friend this woman was to her friend. Everyone thinks they were such a good friend to someone even when their not.
@@donatapowell8143I have noticed, however, that there are those who are CLUELESS that they are stepping on toes. You try to tell them and they just can’t hear it.
I have done the same. I have had several conversations with this friend who I will ALWAYS love but some of her life choices conflicted with my authentic self. The relationship became stressful and one sided. It was not healthy for me so I parted. It was extremely difficult but I don’t apologize for taking care of me when I had put others first for so long. I have no desire to reunite that relationship and I am at peace.
@@donatapowell8143 *they're
@@LDR411 yes this!! I absolutely relate to what you’re saying! I had a very similar situation with a friend of mine, and I feel the exact same way, but I had to do what’s best for me.
It's also possible that when you're truly yourself, no-one likes you. But that's okay too, it's still better to be alone and yourself than faking and have friends who don't like the real you.
If you're truly being yourself and *absolutely no-one likes* you, it's time to see a therapist, not to suffer alone. Something needs figuring out. Humans truly aren't supposed to be alone.
@@marthajean50 thanks for the reply! I have a different experience personally, namely that I do way better alone than with people who are too different from me or I feel like can't be myself around them. Maybe I do need to figure something out, but I don't feel like it's that urgent ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@@Kotifilosofi Right. I think *everyone* does better alone than with people who are way too different. (Just try to avoid actual isolation. That causes big problems.) There are people out there like you -- you maybe just haven't found your crew yet. That happens easily with people who are different, like artists, nerdy types, etc. I bet you just have to find your people, as they say. That changes everything, and until it happens, life can be noooo fun. 🙃
@@marthajean50 I do meet people like my work mates etc. It just doesn't feel like I'm "clicking" with anyone and if they can choose they rather do not spend time with me and honestly I feel the same 😅 maybe there's people's like me out there, but if they're as stubborn and sceptical as me, I'm probably not sure I'll ever form a connection with any of them.
@@marthajean50artist here. This is my reality.
Some things are more clear in other languages. For example we don't really call the yellow type 'friends' , we call them smth like 'acquaintance'
So true.
Right. Not sure where you're from, but in the US, we have acquaintances, "work friends", "casual friends", then "close friends", then "best friends", then "forever friends". Also there's the common, "friend of a friend" and "family friend" categories. Oh, and some people do this kooky "frenemy" thing... 😳
I had a good friend, we met at work and did all the usual things friends do. Then one day he was talking about a get-together he had Saturday night and how much fun it was. I piped up "I didn't know you had a party "
He said, " oh ,no it wasn't a party it was just me and my friends hanging out."
That's when I realized we were acquaintances and not friends.
I didn't hang out with him after that. I deserve better than that.
@@stanleyhape8427 Sounds like that was a horrible moment for you. Some people can be unintentionally insensitive, while some others can be purposely mean. I could be wrong, but it sounds like he was 'showing off', because unless he said something like "You should come along to the next one, if you can!" that would understandably make you feel excluded!
Idk, the way she describes it yellows sound much worse than an acquaintance. Yellows sound down right malevolent. She says they are the only ones that *need* to go. An acquaintance might be a yellow person but you wouldn't know that until you had more experience with them.
Gotta have friends in the first place before you can get rid of any 😭
Exactly what I thought - especially after the pandemic
You may be the best friend to be for yourself, if you are kind, trustworthy, with pure motives, that’s more than can be said for most other people out there these days.
First, love your own company and all that you already have inside of you. Anything else is an added bonus, not the be all and end all. :)
Felt.
@@demelza32Easy to say if you actually have had friends at some point. If you never had any, it would be really nice to have one, no matter the colour.
My "friends" want me to be their therapist or lend them money that I will never get back. Or both. I have weeded all these people out now. Humanely, not by ghosting which is cruel. I have very few friends now but they are real and that's the way I like it.
They were not friends but parasites. They are everywhere, difficult to avoid.
Heh, my friend used me as a therapist and then left without an explanation 😅
Can we talk about why people just disappear? I'm one of those people. I'm an empath and have anxiety. I am also being evaluated for ADHD. When I disappear it's almost never about that person. It's about me being overwhelmed in life.
And that’s valid! We have a friend who disappears for literal months of end and texts about size messages a year
But everytime she’s online it’s so worth it
When she isn’t MIA we do calls DnD sessions whatnot
She’s a bunch of fun
And when she needs to she disappears but we know that that’s simply the way she is and needs to be for herself
In her words
She
Sometimes forgets she exists 😂
I love how you share you don't need to walk away from anyone, you just need to go more deeply into your true nature and what needs to fade away will. *air kiss.
Yes, exactly. There is no need to cut anyone out of your life (aside from the abusive or otherwise dangerous, of course). Be green for yourself, and the rest will sort itself out 💚
When you are authentic, that makes leaving their idea.
“Ultimately, it’s our *own* falseness that does the damage.” Damn. So much truth in that one sentence. 🕊️➕❤️
Ultimately, we humans need a little yellow to make green paler and a bit more orange to make green somewhat grounded like the earth that we will go to. Enjoying being a brighter tint of green!PB
Pigeon plus heart?
Peace and love@@dasytaylor
Nobody cut off for no reason and nobody cut off for one or two "mistakes". I cut off a couple of people in my life without any regret because they were given many oportunities to change their selfish behavior. Other people who cut me off, well they had their own reasons and for me its ok, I do not regret that as well. That's the life, someones come in, someones out.
i’ve cut plenty of people off for absolutely no reason of theirs. sometimes it’s because i have too many friends or not enough time. or i moved away, or i just forgot about them for a while & it feels awkward for me to reach out.
it’s not always about someone else making mistakes
I suffer from depression, exhaustion and social anxiety. I have isolated myself and stopped replying to people, friends and family. Except my mum. I cant explain, it just becomes so daunting. And now I have gone long enough that I dont know how to begin explaining or excusing it. This has been a problem for some years. The shame and disconnect becomes a vicious cycle. Depression also tells you that they are probably happy to be rid of you. People who dont suffer from this usually have a hard time understanding and trusting it. Before it happened to me I did too. Im not saying this is necessarily your friends case. But it might not be about you. It could be circumstances or a misunderstanding causing a longer break in contact. Not being accepted when you know you are mentally unwell is traumatic so it feels safer to avoid confrontation. Again, dont know how relevant, my point is, human behaviour is sometimes a bit more complicated to interpret than your therapist suggests. People go through crises. And sometimes we just grow in different directions. Sometimes for years, and then circle back.
Valid points and very well expressed. For me it often feels like I’m on a wheel - there’s “up” days and “down” days, (or weeks! 😱) - and though I feel stuck going around in circles, at least I know there’s better times as well as awful ones.
Valid points and very well expressed.
Well said thank you for this comment I have had this same experience and I feel like I failed my friends and family.
🫂
Totally resonate...thank you for being so honest and sharing. I feel less shame knowing that for some of us, this is a real struggle.
YES!
People don't walk away without a reason.
Sometimes they walk away because they don't see a reason to stay :)
Anyway I'm a huge fan of letting it be
True, but if you don't know what the reason is (maybe even they don't know it - the unconscious has lots of power) then you can't know what was wrong. It might be something about you, it might be something about them, or could be a mix of both.
I have many reasons for walking away from people. And I am very clear about it. 1. One ex friend told me that she had an opening for a new friend because one of her girlfriends would be dying soon of cancer. 2. When I mentioned potential travel to Another ex friend, she had a moment of mini-panic, then informed me that she only travels with her sisters. 3. I traveled a long distance for business & an
ex - best friend in the same town w/ a giant house, who knew I was coming, didn’t invite me to stay with her for a couple days. But that was the tip of the iceberg that woke me up to reality. 4. One guy ex-friend started negative gossip about me on several occasions to important members of a group we were in. Bye bye to him finally! …..And I have many other stories about the weird stuff “friends” do, and some of it is hard to believe, (think hidden cameras) but I’ll stop here. 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱
@@janetpattison8474
2. People are not oblidged to travel with you. Maybe she didn't have the money to travel, maybe she panics at the idea of flying, maybe whatever. Cutting out a friend over this, sounds very immature.
3. No one is oblidged to invite you to stay at their home. Having someone over is greatly taking you out of your comfort, you cannot even fart freely anymore, and since it was a business travel, the expenses should be paid by your job and you get to stay to a nice hotel. Why would you want to stay at her place and invade her space and force her to expenses and out of her routine, when you can stay at a hotel?
I would just like to send my love out to anyone reading this who feel that none of the people around them are green(I am so lucky to have one person who is) and fear stepping away from the yellows for fear of ending up entirely alone. I wish you strength.❤
You sound lovely ❤
I just got dumped by my "soulmate" and I'm down to one friend and my therapist.....those are the only TRUE, ACTIVE relationships that I have. It actually feels incredibly liberating to have so few people in my life. (I have plenty of aquaintances: coworkers, relatives, organizations I attend, even toxic parents....but those aren't TRUE relationships.) Getting dumped removed a large chunk of misery from my life. I no longer have to consider ANYONE but myself. I only have ONE relationship to maintain as I work through all the heavy stuff I've been through in the past couple years.....and I forsee myself taking years of solitude to figure my life out. No one else expects anything from me, no one asks anything of me, and that is a HUGE relief.
Same, I have found few and I realized after watching this video that you can interact with people that are align to your values and help you grow whether an acquaintance or a green friend.
That's my situation.
I also had a friend of 20 years who dropped out of my life with no explanation after I separated from my husband. We had been there for each other through all the early childhood years, and shared so many good and hard times, including family holidays, and hour long phone chats when she moved to another town. What hurts is that I always felt I could be my completely open and authentic self with her, and that she was the same with me. It still hurts if I think about it, but after a few attempts initially to connect, I gave up, and accept that I will never know what made her withdraw. Happily I have other lifelong friends in my life, so I feel lucky.
In the same situation as me, I ended a friendship of over 28 years with a former family friend and her brother. Our families were good friends, and we had known each other since we were babies. I had always felt safe and secure around them and thought that I could be my authentic self no matter what. That is until I started having severe problems with my mental health that I had shoved away because I didn't want to burden them; that was on top of the fact that I have autism and had been diagnosed in very early childhood. For context, they were fully aware of all my struggles, and I had always supported them whenever they needed me if they ever reached out. I was never perfect in this friendship, and neither were they, but I always admitted that we always dealt with it face to face whenever I was in the wrong and had a problem with anything. That was until I had a massive emotional breakdown and apparently everything shifted, apparently I had become distant, and I was disrespectful for not talking to them, oh no, not because I had felt shame and embarrassment over my issues because I didn't want to burden them. Long story short, when I reached out, they used all of my problems against me and made me feel worthless for going through a tough time in my life. I loved these people indeed and intensely with all my heart, and they stabbed me in the back. Needless to say, I blocked them, and I will never forgive them. Better to be alone than in a friendship that makes you feel alone and shameful.
Let me be clear: a good, authentic and genuine friend will be understanding and will never make you feel like you are a burden; they will take you as you are and will be there for you, not for convenience, but this should be mutual as well. Take me as I am or end it with me, but have the respect of ending things face to face if you no longer want any part of it.
I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope you're feeling better.
@@louiserees1676 Same to you, I hope that you're in a much happier place, truly. Thank you, love and warmthness.
That is very common in divorce situations. Some people think it’s contagious. Others just don’t know what to say or know how to offer support. Some will see a newly separated person as a threat. So very sorry you lost a dear friend amidst a significant loss.
For years I thought I was friends with my boss; I was also her "right hand". I told her about my depression diagnosis and since then, for years, every time I did made a mistake at work, she'd say: "Well, maybe you need to have your medication changed!". I even told her not to do it because it was hurtful, but she never stopped. After our assistant's mother died, she'd reprimand her by saying: "Your mother wouldn't be proud of the job you're doing!", over and over again. So I distanced myself from the "friendship" realizing there had never been one. Harassment ensued. I'm now out of that job, happier and healthier
THIS !!! I was my Boss' "go-to" friend for 13 years --- babysat her doggo whenever she asked me, helped her clean and move into 3 homes, took care of her numerous times post-hospital (even tho she had 2 grown children, who NEVER stepped up to help her). But the 3 times (in 13 years) that I asked HER to help ME, she acted like I was causing her so much inconvenience. Eventually I left that job, and haven't had contact with her for 5 years ---- happiest I have ever been. Sadder, but wiser. I learned a valuable lesson --- not to confuse friendship with being someone's "personal assistant." I was used & manipulated by a selfish person for 13 years --- never again !!!
I had to stop spending time with a wonderful friend a couple of years ago. I really miss her, but she is in such a toxic relationship i can't hear about her partner anymore. I wish she would wake up, but she isn't likely to at this stage. I managed to ignore her situation and just focus on our friendship for several years, but once she got pregnant it was all about him. He gives me the creeps. Maybe one day he will get caught cheating again and they will break up for the last time. Then maybe id get in touch with her again. There is only so much support you can provide to someone that wants to choose toxic relationships.
The problem is that she loves him and she can't think clearly. In her mind a break-up would be too painful. She needs to learn to love herself more than she loves him and find the courage to end her (emotionally) abusive relationship.
It's unbelievably tedious being somebody's emotional dustbin. You did the right thing. Life is so short and these energy vampires are not your problem. I feel sorry for your friend, she probably had a really horrible upbringing that caused her to accept being treated like shit, but after age 40 people need to get a grip and move forward. That's when making decisions based on careful thinking and not feelings is vital. Otherwise you are a nut shell being blown about on the sea tempest that is life. And you sink without trace at some point.
You're doing a great job of isolating her which is her abusive partner's intention. It's all about you.
No one chooses abuse. You were never her friend if this is your stance about her.
Maybe educate yourself about the dynamics of abusive relationships and stop blaming your friend for being in one. You have no idea why she's unable to leave at this time.
The last thing your friend needs is a judgy, self-righteous "friend" like you.
@francefradetjardineslacora8114 What a load of nonsense period people who grew up being abused have no reference point and people like you victimize them further. You are a fair weather friend, which is not a friend. Enjoy your selfish, judgy, smug life.
@@ArtemisSilverBow this is pretty harsh. I supported her through three breakups with this guy because of his behavior. Shared abusive relationship material etc after the last one. You can't save everyone. I've been in an abusive relationship and grew up in a violent and abusive home. No I don't have to stand by and watch that. I choose healthy relationships and to be surrounded by people that respect each other. Yes I understand what you are saying, but ultimately it's her choice. Just like it was my mum's choice not to leave my violent alcoholic father who would hit us. Maybe it is you that needs to learn about enabling bad behavior.
I wish I had been presented this insight as a teen. I went to university a people pleaser and sacrificed my health trying to support a partner and a ‘friend’ neither of whom even asked me what was wrong when my in my second year I had a nervous breakdown, my health crumbled, I was hospitalised, my hair fell out and I began a constant stream of migraines. Both just claimed I was being unfair and deserting them… and yet I still didn’t learn my lesson. It’s taken me 40 years to learn it. I hope people teach their children this. Compassion is a wonderful thing, but there are plenty of people out there who think that by using the word friend they can control you, and a mixture of loneliness, guilt and pity can lead you down some very dead ends.
something similar happened to me when I was in grad school and going through a separation/divorce. Everyone disappeared and I felt I couldn’t speak to anyone for help because the issues were isolating. Even my own sister had a new drama to unload on me every few days. I started to wake up to ask her why she was never concerned with what I was going through and trying to be there for me. She never could let me speak long enough before cutting me off about herself.
@@grumpyschnauzer I am really sorry to hear that you went through that. I hope you have, or find soon, someone who can lift your life and know that you also lift theirs. (Sorry it sounds so ‘therapist’, I’m honestly not like that at all, I’m more of a cheeky get stuck in to activities critter.) Anyhow best wishes to you… and your schnauzer (if you have one!)
People can be very good friends, but just not for life. Hopefully, we are all learning, growing and changing throughout life; therefore it’s natural that sometimes you’ll just drift apart as you no longer have the same things in common. It sounds pretty stagnant to have things stay the same your whole life.
I agree. I think on of the key things about friendship I've learned over the years that many people do not know/haven't learned yet is: no one owes anyone anything. I've been a great friend to some and then I've drifted away from them in my own evolution, and others have drifted away from me, into new relationships and worlds. Yes, it hurts. Everyone gets hurt in life as you grow and learn. But new relationships await, though sometimes periods of lonliness, too. It is best to not have expectations from anyone. It is best to be grateful when someone goes out of their way for you or stops to give you love or support. Some people will help you when you need it, some have to be asked, and some will avoid your struggles. It's just life and the one guarantee is that everything changes and nothing stays the same!
Pat lives down the block and we got into the habit of having coffee every Sat. For 2 years. Until I realized that while I know everything about her ....she doesn't know if I have a sister..or kids...or what kind of work I used to do.
Ooooohhh a life lesson. Life is seeing if you can advocate for yourself. Asks her why she doesn’t ask you questions about yourself and spend time to get to know you? Some people ramble and never have to wait to be asked a question about them but some, like me, need others to ask about me to prompt me to share openly. I usually tend to always be the listener but now I’m fighting back for space to be listened to.
Often times the ones who shared want the non-sharer to share! It's all in how you look at it. She could be offended that you didn't trust her enough to open up to her. We all need to take accountability for ourselves & stop blaming people. 😂
Great responses! Pat is cool. I like her. But she uses me for therapy. I used to be a councilor and she used to have a violent big city cop dad.. so she'd bring down a picnic to "pay" for my time...empty her emotional garbage of the week.. and it would take a day for me to clean that Vibe out of my system. We had this conversation last year already. I will continue being her acquaintance but not a "friend". I value my Peace of Mind too much these days to be someone's dumpster.
@@redmoondesignbeth9119 oh my word. You lasted 2 years worth of Saturdays!? I know you know boundaries as a counselor. Use em lol
Pat only beame NEEDY during the winter when her regular Shrink was on Holiday. I told her in Jan I was going into isolation to work on an issue and she pushed it.. ( I recently found out my life was a LIE. My dad wasn't a Midwest Hick but the son of a Ghicago Gangster. If Grandfather hadn't died right before I was born I'd be the Sharon Stone character in "Casino".)
😄✌🥂🍾😎
I believe people with deep values have that compassionate and good energy when you interact with them, whether an acquaintance or a green friend.
This categorisation is untrue and unhelpful to me. There are different kinds of friendship but they are all needed and part of life. Some will stay and some will go but they are all part of me in a way. People change and it’s normal to fall out, for a wide range of different reasons.
I do agree with being authentic. But it’s not the only factor in friendship. Friendship, like romantic relationships, require work. You take care of the people who take care of you back.
This is the type of comment I was looking for, and I really like what you said at the end “you take care of people who take care of you back.” I had a very close friend throughout high school and into our early 20s (till about 21). We shared a lot with each other and had a lot of fun, but eventually, I began to feel resentful towards her because it felt very one-sided in terms of the amount of care I put into our friendship and the lack thereof from her end. I don’t like how our friendship ended, ultimately I guess it was my fault because we were airing out our grievances via text to one another, and I just stopped replying. And she never tried to reach back out after that, nor did I. I still think about that friendship often even now, as a 31-year-old and I do miss the fun we had, but I needed more from her and we seemed to be growing in different directions.
I agree, the color categories don’t seem to wholly encapsulate all friendships or friendship types. At this point in my life, I only have 2 close friends. One who I have been friends with since 1st grade who I started to spend more time with at 21, around the time that the other friendship I mentioned ended; the other I have been friends with since 10th grade. At this point with us being in our 30s and living 1-3hours away from each other, they are more like what the speaker in the video described as a “yellow” friend because we are kind of only friends because we have been for so long, but at the same time, there is still a lot of care and love that I have for them, and they have for me. It’s not so simple as “just cut them off because they are ‘yellow’”because then I would be left with no one (friend-wise). And when we do manage to hang out, we can still be vulnerable and open up to each other and act the same no matter how much time has passed. And finding meaningful friendships in adulthood is hard which is why they have always remained my closest friends. I think the color-coding lacks a lot of nuance.
Anyway, I used your comment as an opportunity to vent my thoughts and feelings on the matter- I hope I didn’t ramble too much.
Very good insights, thank you 😊 Yes, I think that in certain situations "yellow" friends are nice and valuable as well and can develop gradually into green ones, if opportunity arises.
I think the point she’s making is that yellow people aren’t taking care of you back, the ones that do are green. And that being your authentic self will naturally weed out the people who aren’t actually there for you without ghosting them or making demands of them.
As someone who only found out they are autistic in adulthood, people often got me wrong. I am a bad friend to many in the sense of just not being good at keeping contact. But if I meet someone after years, I still appreciate them the same way I used to. It's not like I really left them. But people will get angry at me for it, while for me nothing has changed and I still see them as friends.
If someone tells me about a mistake they made or a misunderstanding and I genuinely think they made a mistake, I will say so instead of cheering them on. I was told I was supposed to tell them they were in the right, but honestly, I just find it better to accompany them through being in the wrong. That's just the way I see things. I don't feel any different about them, everyone makes mistakes. Yet again, people may feel betrayed or left alone while I don't see it like that.
I think it's important to realize that people don't view friendships and people the same way. For me it was inevitable, but I think everyone struggles with this. And it's important not to identify yourself with or through other people.
That's exactly me. I should have called my father and my 2 oldest friends a few months ago. The guilt and shame makes it much worse. And that's the norm for me.
Damn, I always wanted to get a diagnosis, but still procrastinate on it.
This story has just shown how you think about your friends. In my experience the trouble with wise owl therapists is that they are just people who have issues & flaws like anyone else. I have known a therapist who would get high with a group of us & then would try to analyse our problems, It was tedious getting life advice from someone who was as wasted as we were..When I gave up everything I felt she could barely hide her disappointment. I feel the problem the therapist had was she would choose to deflect & lecture us rather than honestly evaluating her own issues. My friends are flawed they like me, they come & go & are free to do so.
This pertains to family also. Sometimes even more so.
Right? Most of my family are yellows, dancing in the dark together because of common lineage. I feel sad, anxious and judged around them so I don't interact anymore than necessary.
So true on the yellow - she went away all by herself. I just started setting boundaries on my time and availability as she would only call me when convenient to her, usually while driving, and I never liked picking up the phone on a whim, especially knowing how draining those convos were going to be. After telling her "I'd love to talk but I need a scheduled call" and then not making myself available to reschedule a visit (I was only in town for a week) after she texted to flake 10 min past our meeting time, never heard from her again.
Yeesh 😑
Cutting people off is really the thing these days. I’ve done it and I’ve had it done. Honestly it seems really passive-aggressive and I love the idea that “being green for yourself” honors everyone involved
I always divide friends in two groups, low-mainteance and high-maintenance. The low-maintenance is a friend who I can meet up even after ten years with no pressure like we just met yesterday and the friendship never stales, the high-mainteance is someone who needs frequent talk or activity throughout the month to keep the contact so the friendship doesn't stagnate
Well, I'm the "bad guy" in this story. I finally had to cut ties after 45 years of a friendship. I never wanted to " throw anyone away". Many hints and discussions had occurred over the years. The dear friend simply could not alter their behavior at all. I felt used, taken for granted and unimportant. I loved this friend since 6 yrs of age. We went thru thick and thin. She could NEVER be on time. If she showed up she was an hour + late and have some silly reason to leave early. She would be on the phone during our visits or outings. We might plan a trip together and she would wait until an hour before we were to leave and cancel. Leaving me with no time to invite someone else. These antics were all done under the guise of her "being so concerned for someone else at the moment" and virtue signalling. I never did this to her and it is very hurtful. She isn't a mean person. Just stupid and thoughtless. It's sad beyond belief.
Did you say this before you left or just disappear? Btw I agree with your decision to cut ties in this scenario, I’m just curious how u did it
@@yasmine4501I am interested in the things you asked as well. ☺️
Continual lateness, inattention, letting you down last minute...No-one deserves to be treated with such discourtesy. It was a good move to let her go and a sad thing that you put up with it for a long time.
She sounds so disrespectful. I had a similar friend since HS and put up with her for too many yrs. There's no reasoning with people like that either; it's their nature to be difficult, scattered and irresponsible. We don't need them sucking our energy.
If we as humans accept impermanence, change and staying in the moment- then we don't have to lament the over complicated/conditioned process of "friendship". We have everything we need inside, and don't have to go looking outside. I am happy to let the waves of small friendships come and go, I find it more freeing and healthy. Nothing is forever.
You don't even have to walk away, you simply stop rowing, and you realise you were the only one in the boat all along. Stop rowing the friendship boat. Either it stays the course or it immediately starts drifting. Which clarifies things nicely for you. And any anger you feel will be anger at yourself for being such a mug thinking the other person actually gave a toss about you. Because the fact is nobody gives a real toss about you, apart from your spouse or children. The sooner people snap out of their magical thinking Disney movie delusion about real life, the better.
Bingo, well said.
I think that's normal and ok to cut people out of our life if we need to. this is a need, not a whim.
I felt betrayed just some months ago, and then realized I was the one who tolerated false friends around me. actually, I was trying to be more open minded, to not criticize so much, to accept people as they are, so I turned a blind eye to so many little details that itched me where I couldn't scratch.... I thought I was doing the right thing, and then life blew it all up. life, you know.... there is nothing better than a big test of life to make false friends disappear.
thanks for the tip. I agree with you, dangerous people are not the bad ones. dangerous people are always the ones that are just a little bit annoying. the tao te king says: happiness lies in the attention to little details, and unhappiness lies in the inattention to little details. it says it all....
I did this too. It cost me my marriage and almost cost me my mental health. Not making that mistake again. Hugs ❤
Overtly convoluted..
Anyone who is foolish enough to leave you be smart enough to let them go.
Believe me, in time to come YOU'LL know it was a blessing!
Letting go WILL SET YOU FREE.
The core advice here is simply to be your authentic true self. You don't have to forcefully cut ties with people. It will happen naturally that authentic people will be drawn to you when you are authentic.
There isn't always a need for drama or even decision- people come in and out of one's life all the time. Change jobs, move away, leave romantic relationships when it was their partner to whom you were somewhat closer or to whom you have obligations, and so on. Nothing is forever.
My guess is.....one thing most people probably don't get is how do we come across to others? You may think of yourself as a particular known quality of behaviour but that doesn't mean other people experience you that way. You could think you're charming or impressive or understanding or a good listener or caring or fun yet other people would never describe you that way at all. So when people react to you in a way that makes no sense you may think of them as orange or yellow and if they ghost you it's their bad. Maybe yes, maybe no. The biggest hurdle is telling your "friends" exactly why you would ghost them. Nobody wants to have that conversation.
I had two yellow friends last year. I thought they were both green. I think they both were at one point, honestly. I remained myself, though, and I’m no longer friends with either of them anymore. While they began to lie, neglect, and manipulate, so I remained myself and started spending time with other people. It was painful, especially because I began to like one of those people romantically, but I look within myself now and I am SO happy I didn’t sacrifice my character just to keep them around. Falling-out with friends always sucks. But it’s part of growing up. Someone once told me something along the lines of: "Growing isn’t always about becoming someone new, sometimes it’s about facing the challenges in your life without letting go of who you are." I definitely relate to this. I've always been someone who loves who I was as a kid, and I’m proud whenever people recognize I’m still a child at heart. I have the resources of an adult, but my inner-child is very well-taken care of.
So, gracious of you to assume I have friends. I have none. Whatever I thought I had I don't anymore. I left people left and right. Now, I am alone but I am away from toxic enemies disguised as friends. I cut off all the people in my life. I know it is dreadful to learn you are alone in this world but I am okay to take that challenge rather than living life for others. I've had it enough. I no more can handle anything.
Let me die in peace.
I feel much the same way. I live with depression which includes disappointment and regret. I accept my isolation bc as a human I feel like an accident looking for a place to happen. It’s just easier to lay low. Sometimes I still find things to enjoy and I still have curiosity to learn new things. As a fellow sufferer I hope the best for you.
Be as content and grateful as you can, and love yourself as your own best friend. ❤
Jesus can be your friend. Just open The New Testament.
I love your clear explanation, thank you. I too had a friend of more than 25 years, my best friend, walk out of my life following a break-up she had. I was devastated and grieved deeply. But, eventually, I let go and now I love her from a distance and I'm incredibly grateful for the years we were close friends.
Very insightful. This leads to the self-aware question of what colors would our "friends" see us as? Friendship is bilateral.
Everybody is the green, orange or yellow of somebody else. That is what we really need to understand.
You’re not going to make everyone happy-you’re not pie.
YT found this for me after overhearing my slack conference because our business partnership is divorcing because she was a big phoney. Glad to see that door close. Wise words.
In a world full of narcissistics and energy vampires I'm done with friends
Keep searching you will find your people it just takes trial and error sometimes
Those are just trendy buzz words.
And family lmao
@@grumpyschnauzerI’m glad those are just trendy buzz words for you. For others, it’s an abusive relationship that fucks up everything.
You perfectly described my Yellow friend. When she stops by (frequently) to visit unannounced and unexpected, she must first find something to insult before the visit can begin: "Your shirt is dirty" "Your house smells funny" "My goodness look at the dust". When she invites me to things, she issues only half of an invite, calling me at 6:30 for a dinner party that starts at 7:00, saying "We MUST see this show while it's in town" and then never setting a date; asking me to accompany her to an event as she's pulling out of the driveway on the way to the event. When she had a new porch built, she invited me to come see it, but only when she was at work. She asked me to come take pictures of robins nesting in her lilac trees but only while she was at work. Every tour of my garden involves her pointing out the weeds. I renovated portions of my house and she pointed out that the paint was peeling in the basement stairwell. Now that I know this about her, I take it all in stride with good humor.
She's devaluing you....and she's jealous. Your response is benevolent and mature, bless you, but make sure you are valuing yourself.
Kick that B to the curb...she is no friend!
Why are you even “taking it”? That’s a crazy waste of your time. She’s not even a friend. Life’s too short for that.
She sounds like a narc
Time to let that person who treats you like trash, go. What are you waiting for? You are worthy of only love.
Powerful. The moment I began to value and trust myself created a shift in my world. I didn't have to try to release people...they released themselves...and I let them. 🔐
I'm fortunate that I was one of those people who was always unapologetically themselves growing up, even as a teen, and it got me some true friends who I'm still close with 20 years down the road. Do I have a lot of friends? No. But the ones I have are true ❤
A few years before high school, one of the first people I considered my best friend also cut me off from her life. My whole high school period was a whirlwind of negative emotions, sadness, loss of self-confidence and a lot of internet testing to finally decide what personality I should have so I would never have to deal with that kind of abandonment again. Looking back, I'm afraid I was that "Orange" or "Yellow" friend to her. It was someone who loved attention as much as I do and who was always looking for more in others than they could give her (like me today, to be honest) and who therefore always ended up disappointed. I'd read somewhere that people don't abandon those they love; I wanted to reassure myself that we'd never been friends anyway, so that's why it was so easy for her to leave.
But I guess I just couldn't accept the fact that I hadn't been a good friend TO her. That I didn't live up to HER expectations. With her, and other friends, we were a group of four. And it was during those long years after she left that I realised that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't that I wasn't enough, in fact, I had only been an experiment for her, a way of testing the waters to find out who she really wanted in her life. I'd reached to a metaphor: I was just the key to the box she desperately wanted to open; once that was done, there was no point in keeping me. I WAS a good friend, I supported her from beginning to end, I was there for her at every stage of her life; my only mistake was to question what she believed to be true for herself. We didn't often share the same opinions. She wasn't looking for a friend, she was looking for a mirror, and I didn't reflect what she wanted to see.
These remaining friends from our defunct group have shown me what true friendship is. To be there, whatever happens, even if you don't understand, even if you don't feel the same pain. To love without precedent; to support without regret.
My "Green" friends have been my friends for over 7 years now, and it doesn't matter that we're far apart because of our lives, that we don't always share the same philosophy, that our personalities are different; when I think of true love, they're the first ones that come to mind.
I made friends easily but they were not friends for life..and I never wanted friends that didn't understand me...I'm a very solitary person even as a child...product of what I experienced, always being changed places to live etc...I made 3 great friends that I had for as long as they lived...they all passed away from cancer...after that I was busy working ...I believe in being friends and will be there for them till I can't be, life decides that...thank you..very interesting!!
I walked away from many friendships. Saved my life! Narcissists don’t change. For me that was the reason I cut out my friends.
I guess it counts as ghosting, maybe a mutual ghosting, because 6 months ago was the last text I sent to a friend who I considered for years to be a close friend and she never responded to my text (I know through other avenues that she's not like, dead or something). I didn't try to reach back out and I just feel... relieved.
You can outgrow a friend, and that's what happened here. For a long time before she kept making decisions that would harm her or make her miserable, ask for my help and advice, and then continue doing it, being like "I can never change to be a better person, haha." I realized that after being around her I'd feel so drained and literally have to lay down. It was time.
In a way, I'm lucky that being neurodivergent gives me a pretty good litmus test for if people are going to be close friends or not: 1. They continue wanting to hang out fully knowing my weirdness and 2. If I feel energized after being around them instead of feeling like I need to "sleep it off."
I think everyone needs to ask themselves: how badly would I be hurting if this person weren't in my life anymore? And if the answer is "a lot", you need to prioritize those people in your life. If they feel the same about you, they'll already be doing that. And for any relationship that is skewed one way or the other, I'm not sure if the energy to keep that dynamic up is worth it. One person having stronger feelings than the other is usually exhausting and awkward.
I super agree. The green friends are easier to get along with and are people I look forward to hanging out with. While I don't think we need to necessarily cut friends out, it's important to distance ourselves from people if they're regularly causing stress.
A green friend can have a different opinion, a different perception, a different outlook. That's fine. It makes conversations interesting rather than mere politeness, mutual agreement all the time.
Well I had a therapist who had a lot of very interesting perspectives on authenticity and self-worth, fascinating stuff. At the end of the day though the takeaway is that if you're not friends with yourself, in other words green for yourself, you're not going to be truly green for somebody else.
My entire group was yellow. I chucked them all on New Years at midnight. Not putting up with their shenanigans in 2024 🙌🏼 wish I ended it sooner, but New Years felt cathartic after they invited me to a New Year’s party (back in October!) but never told me what time. Then assumed I didn’t come because I was ill. Wtf. This was the final straw after 2 years of their stress. I’m well rid of them 👏🏻
Love this. So much to take from this, especially the fact that even if we want to be liked by everyone, it is nearly impossible for everyone to like our authentic selves, but as you say, doesn't mean they're a bad person.
Yes, so true! Zero shade being cast here 😂
I have very few friends. My husband and grown children are my friends. I am fine with it.
God always let’s me know when I am missing stuff that is right In My Face. I AM blessed because once you know …the weirdness ends and you are FREE.
I decided some time ago to be myself. No ifs no buts to quote a well-known politician. That's why I've no friends these days.
No one needs green yellow or orange friends as the best friend you will ever have is your breath. It's transparent.
Exactly same happened to me when my Dad died unexpectedly, so hurtful. Thankyou this makes sense. What I couldn't accept was the fact we had been friends for so long or so I thought. Incredibly hurtful especially as I was grieving. She didn't even stay around long enough to see the raw me😢.
Oh gosh. I’m so sorry this happened to you 🩶🩶🩶
Thankyou 🤍
It's beautiful when , after YEARS of getting it wrong, you finally figure it out ❤️🥰
This reminds me of the Franz Kafka quote; "I was ashamed of myself when I realised that life is a masquerade party, and I attended with my real face."
I pulled away from a Yellow 'friend' last year. This woman did everything she could do belittle me to build herself up, and I had enough. I didn't feel the need to explain what I was doing, as I think she has covert narcissistic traits. My only sadness comes from losing another friend that this Yellow person manipulated. Yellow is 59 years old, and the other friend and I are in our late 40's and had been friends for 12 years.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this (both the manipulation and the loss of the other friend) 🖤
And thanks for the brilliant quote :-)
@@Betwixt_App I only discovered you today, but so far I've enjoyed the two videos I've watched. I'm meant to be studying for a quiz and my exam. I'm procrastinating... 😬
Eeek! I’m enabling!! 😱
@@Betwixt_App 🤣
What is age relevancy. 😊
Thank you, thank you, thank you.. you just summarized and explained my recent decisions in 3 minutes. I recently shut down friendship which lasted for 25 years. It didn't served me, I felt drained, I didn't trust this person, I didn't cry out to this person but I kept the relationship because of loyalty and our "past". You jest helped me with guilt I feel because of my decision.
Luv ur video. Just lost best friends after over 20 years of friendship, I discovered that to have a good lasting relationship, just be yourself from the beginning. That way ur being honest of what they will deal with from the start so they don't complain later😅
Yes but isn't 20 years a long time?
@@susanharvey4235 very long time, however just when i felt secure and relax I thought that I can stop worrying about compromising and doing what they like most of the time. It was the turning point, I was seen and treated as a hipocrit so I decided to leave them in peace. 😔
I was cut off by a close friend of 20+ years last year. No explanation. Absolutely horrible. The wounds last so much longer than a breakup. Cuts very deep.
So sorry you had to go through this. Sending a virtual hug.
@@josephfarrugia2350 Thank you, that's very kind :)
A single green friend is so much better than having tons of yellow or orange "friends". Tbh I think that the green friend can even be a cat
❤Thank you for this, I had the same happen, a ride or die friend of 20 years simply disappeared, there was no drama, I kept reaching out, but for whatever unknown reason he just didn’t reach back anymore. It hurt like hell, but I just learned to love the memories and move on❤
Maybe his new girlfriend didn't want him to have female besties.
I had a friend of 40 yrs. We were very different but I was proud that we had remained friends so long. However, when I got cancer and needed just moral support she couldn’t even bother to check up on me. She texted. So I reevaluated her friendship and realized she had never been a friend. Just a good time superficial girl. And I decided life is short and I was done. She wrote me a letter after many attempted calls. I never read it and it has been a year. No idea where it is and no desire to read it. I was there for her divorce, parents deaths and more. And you know what? I’m ok with my decision.
I was shocked to hear that for those who have cancer, it’s quite common for many friends to disappear. I’m sure it’s because they don’t know how to be a support, but it’s still very sad 😢
Wow! I like it! Unfortunately, only toxic people can't leave you, because they feel pleasure in torturing you.
However, I like orange people. They tease you, provoke you, and try to see what you are up to. This is how I understand "orangeness"
This has been so helpful for me, thank you for making it. Have let go of a lot of yellow friends (90% of my social group) as I've recovered from deep trauma, reconnected with my family, and generally stopped running from myself and I've watched this a lot to validate and reassure myself as I process the pain of surrendering and letting go
I have a couple green friends who cheer me on and care for me and all my weirdness, but they live really far away. I don’t see them very much anymore. I haven’t made any friends in my area and I just realized that that’s ok. Maybe it’s just not the time or season for me to make new green friends. The right people will come.
Huh, bloody interesting stuff (subbed!). I'm really glad this was recommended to me as I am definitely dealing with an orange friend at the moment. He only seems to turn 'green' when he can relate to me (i.e. when I'm equally as unhappy in my life as he is). Now that I think about it, he's borderline yellow... Thanks very much for this food for thought!
Here on the other side, being the one that ended a friendship. Sometimes especially with people that have been a part of our life for a long time, if there’s lack of respect things could get ugly. With my friend she was my wingman I could always rely on her during whole high school, maybe a little too much, and we went though a lot. Unfortunately with all that happened sometimes I didn’t communicate some issues on my side and that ends up with now. I don’t enjoy spending time with her anymore because I have some resentment for all that happened, and also I’m changing as a person and don’t want to associate with who I was in my teen years. Unfortunately being with her and some of her toxic tendencies makes me feel like the old me I’m trying to detach from. Probably it won’t help in any way trying to explain it to her so I just let our friendship fade. She tried to confront me via text some time ago, but why open up a wound again, the hurt she could go through would be worse and I’m ok with being pictured the bad guy. I hope if you’ve been “ dumped “ by your friend this could help.
30 years of friendship and I got dumped when she was free of her husband and got herself a boyfriend!!
That most of hurt 😔 are you doing okay?
Hi, Thank You for your kind comment. I'm doing ok. Sometimes you just have to move on with life, but I do miss our friendship. One minute your really good friends then a man comes along and suddenly you're nothing! 😥 It's a shame some women don't value their friendships as much as the latest man in their life, I think it's important to value both. I hope you have good friends in your life.... 👍
@@muttley7875 How do you know when to give up on a friendship? is it when they continue to ignore you? or is it just a feeling you get and no longer the same? I guess its hard me to understand why someone would just distance themselves; I think that's the hard part not understanding what happened; it's like being stood up and never knowing what happened. I guess reality is...closure isnt always given.
I’d avoid RED !! Red flags 🚩 RUN 🏃♂️
@lifeslessons but at least with red you know where you stand but I cannot stand people who say one thing and do another The Inbetweeners. I would rather someone say I really don't like you rather than someone say I think you're cool but think otherwise and those people make my blood boil. So you know where you are with red and I call a spade a spade so it's the chameleons :) happy Sunday afternoon
'but I no longer care' love that 👍🏻
I kept a "Yellow" friendship because I felt I owed her (for a past favor) and didn't want to hurt/upset her. But, after years of a one-sided friendship, I finally walked away and it didn't fade her at all. When helping someone hurts You more...it's time!
When I started therapy and healing, and learned about boundaries and about my own needs and healthy ways of expressing those, and started to stand up for myself in an assertive way, and practice the word no: instant color reveal. It was pretty sad actually, cause I thought many of those people (including family) will be happy about me choosing health..boy the awakening was rude. One could say that the reason why they walked away was me, but not because I was toxic/insecure/fearful/selfish etc. (probably in their eyes for not centering and serving their needs while neglecting mine), but on the contrary, because I was not participating in the toxic dance anymore, and I choose my peace. 'Nice' friends can become pretty nasty when you stop going along with their BS. So sometimes the reason why they are walking away is that they were using you for their own needs, and your needs were not part of their idea of what friendship means. The grief is real though.
I need a clear definition of an ‘Orange Friend’ 🙏🏻
let’s say you tell someone you started a youtube channel about cats. they don’t ask about it, they don’t follow it, instead they say, “oh cats are cool,” then you continue to talk about something else. you’re at different stages of life & don’t give specific support, but don’t hate each other
an orange is more likely to “check” your behavior because they’re less scared to hurt your feelings & more concerned about your behavior
I had a friend who thought nothing of casually putting me down or retelling an upsetting incident that happened to me. For years I dismissed my real feelings and believed they didn't mean a word of it. And then they ghosted me. I don't miss them at all, but I'm annoyed with myself for refusing to acknowledge what was really happening. They say there's no fool like an old fool. It's true!
I hate if when your friends who you think they are friends just disappear n never talk to you again n not giving you a reason. It's s horrible thing to do to someone. I've had that find yo me many times. Especially when I cared so much for them. You go through the stages of grief when that happens.
Thank you. Good story.
It helped me find peace.
I expressed my authentic feelings in loving ways and my sister ghosted me after it.
Even though I'd been respecting her feelings all along.
For some time after being ghosted I allowed it to impact my emotional and physical well-being and I desperately checked my inbox daily incase she wrote to me but she never did.
And not having closure due to being ghosted I did go into self blame for some time. But I do see I was twisting myself and suppressing myself for fear of abandonment because that's what my other family members did that it took me tremendous courage for me to express my authentic feelingswith her even if in a short loving way.
. But I received no reply in any way and i got abandoned amd dumped asif i was nithing to her over something so tiny. I can see she was really yellow and actually never loved me at all unless I fit into her control of who and what I should be or feel. She always stepped over my boundaries she acted like she knew best. I've since learned saying no lovingly to what doest feel OK is the best way to see who truly cares and respects us.
It especially hurts when family members aren't able to love you the way you need/want to be loved (the way you love and support them). I've learned through therapy not to take it personally, which is sometimes very very difficult, because loving them the way I do comes so naturally - my underlying assumption for a long time was I must not be worthy...
@@carolynmccall9407 🥰🧡🌻🌺🌷Thank you so very much for taking the time to share your really beautiful, kind and understanding reply Carolyn, it means so much. It feels so nice to know I am not alone in this healing process. I really appreciate all you shared. You're so right, it especially hurts when it is family and can take time to process it. Thanks for what you said about not taking it personally. I relate to what you shared. And it is nice to come to know true self worth and knowing we all deserve healthy relationships with others who can equally love, communicate and validate us. Wishing you much love on your healing journey too. You are a beautiful soul. Take care.
What do you mean by "authentic"? I change my vocabulary, temperament and tone of voice, depending on who I speak to. Who am I being "most authentic" with?
Yes, me too! I actually made a video reply about this to someone else’s comment on this video over on TikTok.
Here: czcams.com/video/CaCTRYuEXRY/video.htmlsi=EdMR-BtrIPzPMJTH
I loved this! This really hit home because I have gone thru a break up with a friend of 40 years who did it by sending a letter
A friend of twenty years - who I thought of as my best friend - ditched me suddenly & completely, too. She didn’t think I was her kind of person & was always critical of me, but I tried to let that be - she had a rough childhood & I loved her anyway. The thing is, I guess I am better off without her, but I don’t regret our friendship & still love her 25 years on. We needed each other as children growing up in difficult situations & she helped shape my life. Friendships aren’t always just about what they do for us. They’re also about what we can do for others - a fresh perspective, a good laugh, an honest opinion… Fleeting or lasting, I believe everyone in my life offers something. Anyway, the colours keep shifting & changing with time so now I’m just going with the flow.
Friends can actually change you, you get shape by socializing, that's probably why i have no specific shape or form since i always had an isolated life , so i don't know what's my green or yellow. One friend calls me weird so i should learn to be lee weird. I don't know, aren't we the average of our circle of closest people? Don't we change by changing our people?
I ditched a whole group of friends because they weren’t friends.. the things they’d say .. a veritable vipers nest of people but I actually DID end living in France..😂❤
Your only best friend is yourself. Be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. Treat yourself. You’ll find your people if you want them. I have 2 friends. I see no need for more after previous experiences. It’s not the amount, it’s the quality of friendship that matters. Don’t put friends before yourself. Ever. 💖