Why socialising can be PAINFUL! (for autistic people)
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- čas přidán 23. 01. 2020
- There's a myth that autistic people are not social or that we're not interested in friends. The truth is that sometimes socialising can be extremely tiring, and even painful. It takes energy to do what the people around you expect. I don't always have that energy.
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socializing is like navigating a minefield with little or no reward.
Couldn't have said it better
Greoge Brewer great way to describe!
On the flip side, there seem to be heaps of punishment for avoiding socializing
It's like playing minesweeper and everyone except you has a cheat map
@@Garfeef That's a very apt analogy. Especially when you consider what it must look like from the perspective of the other players: "who's the weirdo that keeps stepping on these clearly-marked mines? What are they, some kind of idiot?"
I like being an observer of socializing. I'll hangout with my friends and larger groups frequently, but I don't like being engaged with, just let me be there in the moment. It's when I'm constantly engaged with that I get uncomfortable, irritable, or drained.
Oh yes! I know what you mean. I also feel kind of fine just being left alone to observe and not having to perform
That's totally how I started my job. I kept super silent and compliant the first year, listening & observing everybody (from the Alpha to the Omega and how they treated each from verbal to non-verbal). I went on "medical leave" for 4 months. Came back super social and hitting every social + point, and started killing it. Why the 4 months? I was creating the character I needed to be at the job.
I left a Christmas party expressly because people were trying to involve me. Had I just been left alone I'd have been fine....
*hang out
sameee
I hide from the neighbours so I don't have to say hello and I have to be like a ninja just to put the rubbish out 🤦♀️ 😂
Me too and I have no problem with it!
atomicsnowflake Just want to add that this is 100% true for NT/introverts as well😁
I try to do the same with my building 🏢 watchman's. Escape from home, infiltrate to home
Same here! The funny thing is, I suspect my neighbor does the same lol
@@Davotheledge LOL! I have a neighbour like that. She's really nice and we get on very well , but like me she tends to nip in and out when there's no-one else about and keeps her head down.
"...I think I've drifted significantly from the topic." - Story of my life.
But give me another couple hours i will come around and tie it all together.
Haha yes but I always bring it back around at some point 😂
If "going off on a tangent" ever became an Olympic event, I'm a serious contender for the New Zealand team.
Just wonderful, I been tryin to find out about "introvert vs shy vs social anxiety" for a while now, and I think this has helped. You ever tried - Deyriannal Startling Dominance - (just google it ) ? It is an awesome exclusive product for discovering how to stop your shyness and anxiety issues minus the hard work. Ive heard some decent things about it and my friend got cool success with it.
Bunny 🐰 trail
when im tired, exhausted, or confused my social skills dont work any more. its like this:
nt:"thank you!" - "have a nice day!"
me: (with pokerface) "yes" -a moment later: thinking: "i think that was the wrong reaktion..."
My brain just shuts down when I feel overwhelmed and I truly can’t find the words.
Phone calls aren't the best: 'See you soon' to someone I have never seen and never will see or hear from again.
Don't know whether I've got autism or not, but I notice that, when I'm mentally tired, I notice that in conversations I tend to stutter a bit and I do efforts to look for words... My fear Is that I don't sound cool, professional... But After a while, all i Need Is ti unplug!
One time I said "you too" when someone said "thanks again for the gift" to me... or a few days ago when I asked the wrong person if the clothes that my mom gave her fit, her sister said yes and I responded "ok good, tell her that" I meant to say I tell my mom that... I swear it's just scrambled stuff I say that I know is polite, but doesn't make any sense. The embaressment...
The example that I use is "imagine that you have to give a lecture in another language". It's not something that you can't do, but you must be very focused, because you're trying to express yourself in another language when a lot of people are focused on you. It is emotionally tiresome, because you are afraid of failing and it is mentally exhausting, because you must work much harder than normally to translate what you´re thinking. It is not like you don't want to establish relationships, but sometimes it's too laborious and you start to question if it really worth it.
Excellent metaphor
I really love this sentiment. This can really paint the picture to others.
Are you an introvert? That was the idea that came to mind when I read your comment.
Great explanation 👍
I've Adhd and that's exactly how I feel too
When I lived with my parents, they would often invite all their friends to our house and every single time this happened I would leave the house half an hour earlier and stay outside alone for the rest of the day, getting some cheap food somewhere near and doing nothing until I knew that everyone would have left and I could return safely (once I had to wait until 1am, watching from the distance to make sure all cars were gone from the front of our house). My parents would get so mad at me when I did this because in their eyes it took zero effort to just say hi to everybody for 2 minutes and then go back to my room. Unfortunately, that little interaction and the questions the guests used to ask me made me so utterly uncomfortable I'd rather waste half a day than suffer for 2 minutes. That's how bad it felt.
Mood. I’m laying in my room hungry cus I’m trying to avoid guest. Man oh man do I hate Christmas
Can 100% relate!
Omg I did this too!
@@notmycircusnotmymonkeys3627LMAOOOOOOOO BRO IT WAS GOOD FUCKING FOOD TOO AND MY STUBBORN ASS SAID HELL NO I AINT GOING OUT IN THAT
Nothing wrong with what u did/do...my family had pervy cousins/uncles n we had to learn hard way strangers were not the only pervy dangers around...so parents r fallible human idiots too...love them yet hate their idiocy n never change urself to become a people pleaser as they can never truly be satisfied as it's a narcissistic trait n they do not play nice/fair...so stay safe n continue 2 walk away eh!?!!10:10Pm9/24/2023
Going to the barbers is a nightmare if they try a force a conversation
The Rabbit Whisperer Yes!!! I have Aspergers and OCD, and it is nearly unbearable to get my hair cut because I hate trying to mimic small-talk, and then I spend 20 minutes sitting there imagining what the barber may be thinking of my silence.
Yeah if you find one, who does not, you may start kinda stalking, just to find out, where she is cutting hairs, after she left her old place... oops.
I had to learn to buzz my own hair off as I have had to drop money and FLEE with half finished hair-cuts.
@@akosreke8963 I NEVER have a conversational based question for anyone. Whatever their thing is, I don't want to know.
As long as it's a one-on-one interaction, my mask is good enough to get me through. More than 1 new, strange person, and I'm done.
Once I tried jut not talking to people. After 10 days I was feeling totally depressed so that doens't work either. I see socialising like going to the gym: I don't wanna do it, I won't enjoy it, but it keeps me healthy
I’ve gone months without talking to a single soul and it feels wonderful to me, I work with animals but they come with their owners and I’m forced to talk to them… I can’t stand it! But I do it cause I need the money lol I just wish the world was only populated with animals and ZERO humans 🤭😁🤣
That is certainly a good way of putting it :)
The thing is: I always thought everyone felt like this! And it’s just that no one talks about it and when people go out they just act happy and social and some do it better than others. I cannot imagine that others don’t feel all of this all of the time
Exactly!!!
You can only keep an act up for so long till it drives you insanely tired. Thats not even up for debate. The people who did it "better" is cause those are naturally chatter boxes because their favorite way to pass time is to socialize. There is no act in this.
De Nile is not just a river in Egypt...speaking for neurotypical/normals (well I still prefer to call myself an Abbey normal them anything shocking i choose 2 share I can say I warned u...u should have walked away then) I like cyclical thinking/talking n I think autistics r the most interesting/never boring to speak with eh!?!!9:49Pm9/24/2023
While my situation is not as severe as some, I can relate to just about everything you are describing. However - and it pains me to say this - these facts cannot be understood (or even believed) by many people who have not experienced them.
@User2420 Most people do not want to make the effort to meet us half way but I agree it's possible.
True
If neurodivergent people can understand neurotypical people with effort then neurotypical people can understand neurodivergent people with effort. It goes both ways.
@@raccoontrashpanda1467 but the problem is that we live in a neurotypical world. So neurodivergent people had to learn how to be neurotypical their whole life's but neurotypical people never had to learn how to be neurodivergent
That is a problem!
I am 31 and was only recently diagnosed as asperges autistic.
No wonder every day going to work was a living hell, I thought it was just me and no one else felt like I did... then the evenings, replay every interaction over and over and over... if I hadn't found meditation years ago, I would have entirely lost my mind.
Omg same
I lose my mind almost everyday😅 because of being forced to socialize everyday. My mind is too busy though to meditate, I have tried before. My brain starts doing weird shit when everything else around me get too quiet, or I just fall asleep😂
Having autism is so much pain for me. If only I could explain myself better, but in stressful situations I just can't. Explaining and articulating also always was a serious weekness for me. Well I learned so much when it comes to these things, but the older I get, the harder the social language gets. Now I'm 22 and adults just have these high social expectiations, which are standart for them..
Weakness*
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If you feel the need to just say that you're autistic, and the rest will take care of itself if they're understanding, and autistic friendly then thing's will be great if not move yourself away from them they're not worth your time 🙂
U do/be u n those who truly love u will find u just practice/exercise like any muscle learning communication skills takes repetitive action...n u do it/learn at ur own speed ...life is supposed 2b fun n it's a classroom 4 ALL OF US eh!?!!10:15Pm9/24/202÷
You certainly articulate very well on here😊
Ive experienced long lonely periods in life, sometimes when someone smiles and waves I'm genuinely very surprised, embarrassed and then feel it's too late when I realize it was actually for me.
Yes
I am very depressed and alone, I feel like im my own worst enemy. I know if I socialise more I will feel less lonely but somehow I cant push myself to do it
Totally understand. That's also where I am at the moment. I know I should go out and socialise and make the arrangements only to cancel at the last minute with some lame excuse.
Yeah I know. Just cant
I'm still in the same boat but I've found that alot of people feel this way - very rarely do people go out just for the sake of socializing. The "secret" I've found is you need a hobby or activity that you're doing outside by yourself at first that other people can join you in. Mine lately is fishing, never thought I'd enjoy it but it's a great solo activity and paves the way for communication with strangers and acquaintances.
TehCacti don’t feel bad mate that’s lots of us who feel the same I totally relate. Although depression and loneliness is very small to me. Yes I literally don’t like to ppl. Only at work.
Stay strong get therapy that helps a lot.
Try talking online more? I know it's not the same, but that's exactly why it's easier. That way you get some socializing, and it could help you get better.
It's hard for me to come up with a conversation out of thin air. Sometimes I can with certain people, but often times I'd rather just sit in silence. Makes it hard to make friends but I usually use a hobby to make contact.
I always get torn between not wanting conversation and willing to please people and/or not wanting to hurt them. It confuses me a lot.
We come into this world confused n most learn to lie to cover up their ignorance...autistic r truer better class of people n we abbey normals have much to learn from u...respect shared eh!?!!10:26Pm9/24/2023
Sameeee .. it’s a constant mental conflict (😖)
I am a self diagnosed high functioning autistic woman. I can usually mask, pretend to be super social and at times I can be the life of the party. But every time, I need so much rest and alone time. I wish I could turn it off but it's automatically switched on as soon as I see another human being I know.
Or at times, I get super overwhelmed and become socialy akward and can't seem to read the room. Regardless, I'm usually trying to find the perfect time to leave.
As for daily socializing, sometimes you dread saying hello because the other person might want to be your friend and now you have to talk to them or things get weird. I've learned to be cognizant of my interactions with some people so they don't latch on. And I'm also working on my exit strategy when I do get roped into conversations.
Let me know your exit strategy. I have tried passing myself with people but they latch on hello how are you turns into coffee then lunch.
Some of them will hold you captive for 5 or 6 hours. I go bright red because I have talked incessantly for hours.
You realise you have nothing in common with that person.
Then they order another coffee after the lunch. And they suggest you go back to there house for another coffee because five hours of drivel isn't enough.
Once these people get their hooks into you it's hard to escape.
@@karenohanlon4183 Most people value their time and who they choose to spend it with, therefore they turn down those they don't want to hang with. I say this because you shouldn't feel guilt or a sense of obligation for doing the same. Hell, some people know they have nothing in common with you, but they'd prefer to have anybody around than to be alone. But that's something they have to resolve themselves.
If someone asks to go out for lunch tell them you can't make it. If you already had anything planned then you can tell them so. Don't feel you have to come up with some elaborate explanation to spare their feelings, it's not that serious.
If you're at work, and are heading back to your department, let them follow you and engage in conversation as you're walking there. If they are still around, acknowledge what they said and tell them you'll pick up your conversation later. These are a few examples but I've dealt with many variations on this. Let me know if it helps.
@@karenohanlon4183 I have no idea how to extract myself from these scenarios.
I can do chit chat for about 10 seconds. Then it’s just agony and I’m responding as best I can while my whole inner being is screaming “ make it stop!” But if I meet someone who talks about astrophysics or neuroscience or mycology, I’m riveted and can talk and listen for a long time. Going to a meeting or talk is also nearly impossible because so much of the time is spent in prefacing and repeating. I have to sit in the back so I can walk out quietly.
You may just be extremely smart
For me it's music theory (with emphasis on composition) Math, Thermodynamics, evolutionary biology, and philosophy...
like im quite focused i can only really listen about books games movies or my hobbies silversmithing art resin work but if i meet someone with deep information about a subject like the sciences or something i can listen for hours like i had a chat day in like year 2 were we had different people from the neigborhood we had a couple people their talking i just spent 4 hours listening to a guy in his 90's or around that area who faught in wwII and was also like me facinated by history and new knowledge in general so we just spoke that whole time was one of the nicest people iv met.He also asked me why i was sort of a outsider in my class and quiet so i explained and i suffer chronic pain which iv had my whole life while also being highfunctioning with hypersensitivity to things and get overwhelmed easily i explained it to him he diden't fully get how bad it was but he fully understood why i coulden't put up with it my pain and also the clowns in my class he also helped me to accept it he said what you have to understand is its easy for people to accept a falsehood that's simple over a complex truth like he said how he reacted to what he learned happened during the war and the basically horror stories he witnessed and lived. so he said to me that i have a advantage because if i can push through the pain along with my sensitivity and everything else on top were others break i will be able to continue and he said even if people don't like you understand you or outright hate you if you can display and continue with that determination people will show most of the time just respect you for that and you know what the old man was right on the money on pretty much everything we discussed that man was very helpful him and a few of my teachers are the only reason i got through most my education because even tho some of them coulden't see the way i do they could partially understand meaning i could communicate with them but i remember i had a teacher in training really arrogant with me and others with differances who woulden't let me explain my difficulties so when she was yelling at the class about stuff that we had to do which was colour coded and i am colour blind which is a issue clearly for about 30 minutes then yelled again because wasen't working cause i coulden't and i stopped someone stealing my pen case i was just like on my last straw of staying calm so when she yelled wait outside al talk to you later without even listening to me i was just like ok bye and walked off but iv got to say the face on my actual teacher at the back of the class was splendid because he knew me quite well and understood while he also watched the whole thing and even tho he was hiding his reaction from the trainee because he is meant to just observe without giving any indictators or clues to how well she was performing i could easily see the embaressment on his face because he knew exactly how it would go once i was sent out of the classroom and he had explained about me before the class so i think he was worried he shot her in the foot by not explaining well and shot me in the foot because he knew i can't handle high pressure or stress when my pain is playing up so ye your walk away quietly is definitly the best plan for things
NEUROSCIENCE YESSSS
I completely agree. Every single time I have tried I usually say some thing that makes people uncomfortable and then they think I’m weird and don’t wanna relationship with me or are mad at me for the rest of the day. I prefer just not talking at all that makes things easier that way. I really wish I didn’t feel this way but genuinely, it gets very frustrating when everyone points out your flaws constantly.
I’ve said that, for me social interaction is work, and work is enjoyment. Libraries are to me what party houses are to neuro-typical people. Digging through all that data and acumen is heaven! Stopping in at a party is something I’ll do, but only as a protocol.
I'm only finding out these days that I am an adult Aspie. Now I know why I said to my husband very early in our marriage, "if you greet me with a cheerful 'Good Morning' before 10 am, I'm going to get divorced on the grounds of emotional abuse."
And my favourite way of socializing is playing in an orchestra. We don't talk at all. Heaven!
Which instrument do you play?
@@joannedixon-jackson7348 I play viola.
😂.
This is why I’ve always been tardy to classes and meetings. I absolutely can’t stand small talk. I’d much rather arrive 3 minutes after the class/meeting has already started so I don’t have to talk to anyone. But it’s gotten me in trouble quite a bit 😅
I was always fine interacting with actual friends in college, but generally hated talking to people I just knew. Passing someone and having to make small talk... I started finding routes to buildings which would minimize chances of interacting.
Honestly though, I do not think Aspies are completely alone on this. I know for a fact one of my room mates, who was way more sociable than myself, would take "back routes" as well just to avoid the small talk. Probably does not affect him as intensely, but he definitely wasn't a fan of it.
Marcus Rosales omg 😆 “”small talk is so painful”” even more “”when I’m overloaded””
Isn’t aspergers no longer a valid diagnosis in the states?
Interesting. I'm kind of the opposite; it's when a friendship gets too intimate or serious that I find myself pulling away. In theory, I long to make these sorts of connections with people, but it's like I lose the wish as soon as it comes true.
I just ignore co-workers when I see them in the bus at the end of the day. They kind of get it, I have told them that social interactions are draining for me so they know is not a rude thing I'm just so tired at the end of the day that I cannot talk to them. I like sleeping in the bus or listening to music or reading. Interacting with people requires a lot of small talk and I hate small talk.
you know, I am from other country, originally. in our lifestyle we dont have the culture of small talk. we talk only when feel so. when I moved to America, first time I used to live in appartment, so I had to use elevator...... o my god, it was hell for me.. because people had small talks with me. I really cant get what is hell is that and what for this artificial circus )))
Thank you for mentioning how difficult 'simple' and every-day tasks are like getting out of bed, getting dressed. I don't think alot of people fully comprehend how mentally difficult and therefore physically difficult doing these things are for some of us, and then we have to do them one after the other in a short space of time. incredibly debilitating and overwhelming before you even add on leaving your room/house and then social interaction.
One of the ways that I have begun proactively taking care of myself and respecting my own limitations is by letting people know in advance that I may be leaving the party (or prayer group or Bible study) after an hour because that's as much as I can handle. I used to push push push and feel terribly guilty that I couldn't hang like others could. Now that I am much kinder to myself I find that I have more to give and am more fruitful.
That's Awesome
Maybe we should all wear little placards around our necks like traffic signals to let others know what we are feeling. One side can read DO NOT DISTURB, or INTROVERT AT WORK. The other side can read YES, I CAN BE AN EXTROVERT FOR A WHILE. Excellent video. I do find myself wanting to avoid many social interactions as well sometimes. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
In my teen days they tried mood t shirts like mood rings~ the guys loved them as thry knew when 2 avoid us girks that had past the point of being pleasant/nice...mine stayed black so it must have been broken...n I like black eh!?!!10:20Pm9/24/2023
I don't talk to people unless I want to or have to. This has cost me many friends. Friends that I never particularly liked anyways. So maybe I should have fewer friends?
not a bad plan. I have moved cities a few times, and I simply dont have the bandwidth or desire to maintain an old social connection virtually. it feels plastic. So I have honestly just never ever reached out to the people who I basically will never see in person again. But with the people who I do or can see with some regularity, I do try and be a good friend.
Yes better to have a few quality then being overwhelmed by people you don't really care for
some people force their way into friendships with you and then you’re like ‘ohh fuck i have a responsibility with this person now’. A responsibility that you didn’t ask for in the first place. 💀
Just find more you like
When you get into your area of interest you totally light up and get bright and articulate. It’s really delightful to watch.
never seen this explained so well. This is exactly what it feels like. I've never had the words for it, and never heard anyone talk about experiencing the same.
I thought i was just whiny or pathetic. everyone thinks i'm just selfish or rude but i'm just perpetually exhausted, too much to interact
I can't wait til Augmented Reality and I can set myself to DO NOT DISTURB because people can't understand the closed body language I already use.
At my place of work we (NT and NA) each had a flip-card thing with green (sure, speak to me), orange (only if important), red (not unless vital/emergency). The song "All around my hat" by "Steeleye Span" is based on the ancient English folk practice of wearing green willow (around hat) to indicate to others when you were depressed (so they could avoid or comfort you). Perhaps phones/watches could have "radar screen" apps equivalent to this?
I prefer to be doing something alongside talking when I meet up with people. Sitting for a chat with cringy eye contact makes me want to cancel.
hmm, similar experience here. potentially the name I guess :/ .hi btw.
I'm becoming more that way as I get older myself.
@@Davotheledge yes the tenseness is setting in worse every year. I think it is as we become more conscious of the snidey people around us.
People look at me like I'm an alien when we go to restaurants and I take out sketchbooks or my Nintendo 3DS lol. I didn't know how to explain that I'm not interested in 99% of their conversations and I'm just fine by sitting among people I like without saying anything and just enjoying their presence. I just butt in if I really think I can contribute to conversations I find interesting otherwise I can't see the point of talking.
"Oh I'll bring my sketchbook btw"
"Aw but I wanted to talk to you"
Why on Earth do people assume that if I'm doing something then they can't talk to me?
Because of their egos. Most of the time we don't like certain people because of our egos. We think that we're smarter, stronger better than that person. People don't accept people who are different because of their ego. It's also a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. And they don't try to understand that person. They just assume that it can only exist that behavior, the neurotypical one. I've been called a psycho because of the way I walked.
There is an even more painful situation, where your "friends" KNOW (because you talked about it several times before and they've known you for years) that if they invite you to a very social event where you don't know anyone, in a place you don't know, not knowing how you'll go back home or where you'll sleep, then you'll be so stressed out you won't have any pleasure coming to their event and will just stand there and hurt while they talk to their "normal" friends and family.
That is one of the worst feelings, especially when you really want to hang out with the people who invited you, but not the others they invited
@@2Guys1Gameification yuppp my friends recently got girlfriends and now whenever we try to make plans they want to bring them and it just ruins it for me.
This happened to me tonight. I’m finally home and I’m crying cuz I just wanted to be home so badly and gosh I felt so isolated..
@@maraj7752 Sorry that happened. Hopefully your friends can understand the situation they put you in and adjust accordingly
Now that I am old, I am glad they invite me to just visit for short periods of time, with just a couple of them.
I have this problem at work... I'm kinda forced to interact. It's okay at first, but after the first two hours, I'm already drained. I feel eyes on me 24/7 (of which I'm hyperconscious of), and I'm constantly aware of my RBF and the fact that I'm being semi-dismissive with people. I get this urge to stim to calm myself down, and I'm literally fighting myself just to try to act normal. Worst of all, my convos are short because it's hard to find a good common topic with other people without coming across as too strange and freaking them out. It's hell...
this man always speaks so much truth , much respect
Couldn’t agree more. I don’t have the energy for most people and I feel like I have to smile or communicate just to please them but now I just be myself and let them deal with their own opinions
I can feel so drained by being around others. And so much calmer with animals.
I just wrote this exactly as a reply to a comment but I think it could be helpful to a lot of us to remember: It is a NT assumption that everyone must be social. If you have any connection to other humans, no matter how inconsistent or superficial then you are participating in the world, don't let NT expectations be your standard if it does not suit.
You are probably the most rad person you know anyway, enjoy hanging out with the awesome person that you are 💛
“It was too much energy to wave back”. ASD almost sounds like severe depression or strong introversion. It may come across as narcissism. I’m not saying if that behavior is me but I’ve certainly acted like that often.
I think, often, people with ASD come across as narrsasstic, but people with ASD can feel emotions, and sense they may have offended or insulted someone. Narrsasstic people do not have any feelings of having offended or insulted someone, they are not capable of that.
Depression is common sadly. Introversion is strong for sure. Narcissim possibly but also we have special needs
@@pbj4338 yes I do it to manage my life not to manipulate others
@@pbj4338yes they do
Something I do if I'm walking down the road and I see someone I know in the distance is to fasten my pace so that I pass by them (if they're standing at the bus stop, for instance) and give a quick hello and cheery wave as I go by. If they're walking ahead I just slow right down so that I don't catch them up and keep my eyes down or looking at the gardens so there's no eye contact if they happen to look around, lol. Or even duck down a side street. Otherwise, if I'm really exhausted, or burnt out, I can't go out anyway as I don't drive and it entails walking everywhere or catching a bus. And I never answer the phone when I'm like that either...or sometimes when I'm not, as I hate using the phone! :D
Ha ha i avoid people i know too 😊 sometimes people say hello to me and its like there's a delay between my brain and mouth. By the time i get around to saying hello back the person has gone by and i feel like they think i'm being rude.
If you look away like that unless they have a really bland head they’ll know yr avoiding eye contact
As an "NT" who also has a rare connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and an 8 year old son with the same condition as well as being on the spectrum- I can relate with so much as its been my experience, as well as many others with invisible illness. We use something called "spoon theory". You have so many spoons in any given day and for those that aren't dealing with an invisible illness let's say brushing your teeth, or taking a shower may only use 1 spoon but it could use 5 of yours. It's a way of relating how much energy you have in any given day. I often save my spoons and plan all of my errands and shopping for 1 day, and then spend the next 2 in bed. If I'm running low I can tell my husband or son, I'm almost out of spoons and vice versa so we all try to be compassionate to one another. We never plan a day out back to back and do our best to manage our energy effectively. It honestly breaks my heart to read the traumatic experiences that you've had in dealing with society/ the matrix. When I was first diagnosed it was well before social media and support groups. I would go to the doctor and be told. "Oh yes, I saw someone like you in a textbook in medical school". I felt like an oddity and a freak and was treated like such by not only the medical community but mainstream society. It was more than a decade later after spending that time completely housebound and isolated that I had my spiritual awakening. I came to understand that many of us experiencing these lifetimes are actually quite gifted as empaths with extra sensory perception. That the reason we are so depleted by certain experiences with others is that we are actually healing them with our energy. That there are ways of protecting our energy, and recouping ours. Yes, there will be times when we have to navigate a 3rd density consciousness (dualistic beliefs, normal/abnormal, typical/atypical) but we can hold a 4th dimensional frequency (compassion, inclusion, seeing ourselves in others). Times are changing and I strive each day to advocate for my son in these giant conglomerate structures that are outdated and uneducated. My son is beautiful, creative, soulful, deep and empathic. I wouldn't change him for anything! And I hope each and every one of you know that there are others out there that don't judge or wish you to be any different than the unique, individual expression of who you are. We are all eternal souls, having a temporary human experience.
I am sure you follow Jessica Kellgren Fozard on youtube already. If not, I would highly recommend her channel
i don't suffer Ehlers Danlos Syndrome but iv got mid to severe hypermobility and chronic pain while on the spectrum and i can understand running out of energy i basically tortured myself pushing through education i was diagnosed at 7 which was late for my age considering all the signs i showed and got no real help till 19 but my support system from the doctor and council went from he is completly fine to he should have had specialist asistance from the start they said this after i had already burned my self out up to year 9 of school then stopped going to school was in pain everyday and cliniclly depressed one of the first conclusions my therapist came to after i was refered to her was my sensitivity to people my surroundings and also people's emotions had burned me out and i had never given my self any time to recoup from it i just kept pushing myself till i pushed myself of a cliff was her words because as she put it i cared about too much at once between hardworking constantly and trying to help others or just worrying about others who i coulden't help and coulden't communicate or express myself to i had basically been draining my mental energy to the point were i just coulden't stay in control which is why i ended up losing control near the end of every year and was always so sad or stressed plus i was doing all this when iv got a brain inbalance were i don't preduce enough of some hormones so i can't get to sleep or stay asleep so she just said to me iv got to look after myself and her description is i basically kept running out of spoons and she helped me to learn to manage and keep in control of it all but if it wasen't for the fact my mum basically declared a one women war on my local city council i would never have got help and just kept spiralling out of control but after all this i learned from my therapist about 70% of her patients were people with a neurological differance be it the spectrum adhd or bipolar and tourrettes who just had never had anyone give them help in understanding and taking control of their differances and who were just left to spiral till they got sent her way because their spiralling became dangerous to themselfs or others which is why they need to raise awarness of as you put invisible illness and differances because so many of us end up spiralling because no one but our own family will help us and sometimes if you have gone too overboard that isen't enough unless your family are all doctors or sharp as spears mentally to piece it all together with you and its really scary when its happening because everyday i felt i was having a panic attack of stress without the physical or emotional energy to do anything to stop it thank god my mom was so understanding to help me through it
No, people aren't understanding if you're tired and can't engage. Not where I come from. I guess it depends on your environment.
Even writing this comment feels like a mile run. God help me if I have to use my vocal cords.
OMG sooo hearing you, I usually just click the like button but for once you've shamed me into typing lolololol
Oh get over it!
@@Juliukas101
You must have an even harder time expressing yourself than me to leave such a scant comment. My condolences.
@@Juliukas101 Such a pleasing idea, so temperately expressed. Don't let us keep you from whatever it is you should be doing, we don't want to be too greedy beneficiaries of such diamond-like effusions as drip from thy august mouth.....well, keyboard
Same here
Ive learned that i really enjoy and get a lot of connection from just being around small groups of people, even if im not doing much talking. I only feel stress and drained when im pushed or "encouraged" to talk. At this point, my family has accepted that I will talk and engage on my own time and with topic I'm interested in!
I'm in my 20s, and today I was telling my mom about how draining it is talking to people, and explaining basically what you said. She very calmly, and matter-of-factly, tells me it's because I'm borderline autistic. I'm a female, and apparently borderline autism can resemble adhd in females at a young age? So my whole family has known this whole time, but I had no idea. Why did I not realize? And I can only imagine how difficult it must be to not just be borderline. Only reason I even found this video, was because I wanted to see if it explained how I felt better than I could. It did so thank you.
LOL girl wtf is "borderline autism" you either have it or you don't X'D
if i were you i'd start to do some research to see if you have autism, adhd, or both.
As far as I know, you either are Autistic or you are not, there is no 'borderline'.
That is like being a little pregnant, does not work that way.
They r all just labels lije ge said road signage 2 help us navigate easier thru life ...then u have the stinker players that change the rules/ move the goal posts/cheaters/liars that want to win at all cost...those should be the loneliest in 2days enlightened world eh!?!!10:30Pm9/24/2023
@@brianl.3579true dat. Although, Brian, as someone who has carried to term, I can tell you that one CAN be a little bit pregnant. Followed by noticeably pregnant, very pregnant, a whole lot pregnant and I'm about to explode pregnant, somebody get this enormous baby out of me! It varies over 9 months, don't men realize this? But you are right, borderline autistic isn't a thing, you are either somewhere on the spectrum or you're not.
All I know is I was misdiagnosed as a child and have recently been diagnosed as autistic. Mom kept saying borderline, so I'd been saying it. I'm lucky enough that I'm having an easier time than others I guess, but I also was raised not to talk about anything related to your health or mental state and I'm trying to learn to open up now. I also am still trying to figure out what is and isn't ok to say, so if saying borderline autistic isn't accurate or is something offensive, then I apologize.
Edit: Also, keep in mind that I stated I had just been told that on that very day of my comment. It wasn't something I've thought about in the past, so I have and am certainly still, ignorant.
I have a few theories about my constant exhaustion. One is that I'm 35 and approaching middle age. One is my high metabolism not letting me store fat.
But the main reason is related to this video:
It is so much more of an effort for me as an autistic to be a normal, responsible, social adult. To live up to NT standards. Fighting against executive dysfunction and being socially inept. Even the level of inhibition it takes to hold back impulses to say or do random things (little things like a sound, or a stim)
It is extremely exhausting to appear NT so I can keep friends and family close and get practice.
Absolutely the same for me.
There's no such thing as a high or low metabolism, it only accounts for a few hundred calories that you can have back with an energy bar. What happens to people who can't put on weight is 1. Your NEAT is too high, 2. You have no idea about calories and nutrition, and 3. You have very high-low grelin and leptin hormone response (that's hunger and satiety). Most times is all together. Solution: learn to cook high calorie dense meals with low volume spread over 4-5 meals a day and try live a bit more sedentary. Boom you gain weight.
yeah, I often wonder whether if I had more autistic friends, or just nt friends who knew and accepted me more deeply, maybe I'd feel less inclined to mask all the time and thus feel less drained.
But maybe that is the case for a lot of people. Maybe 50%
@@moonbread2334 I´m a NT person whatever that means. To fit on society nowadays is so hard to bear that I find myself safe and sound with my autistic friend, because despite our differences as human beings, both of us hate to mask how we feel to please others so one thing I love about him is to be straight when he speaks, no lies and just being there talking or not. We love people we know deeply. You made a lovely point in your theory: to feel yourself less drained because you are loved the way you are. And the way life made you is perfection as well. Cheers!
i burn out all the time, over and over to the point of psychotic breaks and hospitalizations because of this forced socialization especially in work. i feel so little interest in socializing purely because i KNOW there is no reward or benefit. and yet when i’m greeted with a simple “hello” like you said, im conditioned to be so over-exuberant and bubbly. i don’t enjoy it, it is sincere in the sense that i’m friendly towards people, but i do not want to over-exert to every single person. i don’t want to push myself to submit to others by closing my eyes when i smile or greet them. i feel like having to socialize is what sets me apart from humanity. i do not want to be a part of it. i get lonely, but it’s better in my mind than being ridiculed or isolated because i “weird them out” just because i don’t understand any of their confusing social cues
Thank you for this. I have a good example from my life and not having the energy to talk, but having to.
Every four weeks I have to go into hospital for an infusion with the medicine for my MS. I literally have to, or basically my life could be challenged. I then have to be in a room full of people, all talking, sick with MS which scares me so much cause I see my future, I always think, and for whom I feel so bad; and that, for two hours. People try to talk to me. Nurses also come and talk to me, about my health, and do small talk, and sometimes even to try to do spontaneous tests. It really is hell for me. Sometimes there is space in a separate room, but I never know when that will be and when I have to be in the big room.
Well, last wednesday, I did not have the energy when I came in; because different really emotional things had already happened that morning (almost car accident cause partner got really sick; a doctor who was rude to me, etc.). And I simply was stuck. Could not talk to the nurses, but simply had to, abut my body and health; so I was not friendly, at all. But told her I had a bad day. She did not understand and kept talking.
Well...back in the car with my partner, had a big meltdown. Which could be expected, but was terrible for both of us. And we are both recovering, I think.
I apologize for this long story, but I really needed to share this. :(
thanks for sharing!
Aspergers from the Inside and thank you for this reaction!
I used to have to go to infusion center for an autoimmune disease. There was a simi private room that I usually got thank god. Maybe you can have your spouse advocate for you and ask for it as a standing order. Bring a book or tablet and say upfront that this is a great book and you want to rest. That was helpful to me. Also ear buds or headphones. Or when they come up pretend you are napping.
Zoey D thank you so much for this!! I appreciate it very much. I am sorry that you had to go through something like this, too. Good ideas, thank you. I use to do a lot of what you say, already. But it does not really help; not too much empathy there........ well, I am proud to say that a few days ago, I sent my neurologist an energency e-mail about this; also better than talking to her in person or via telephone. (My partner does usually come along, but he finds this difficult as well.) I am curious about her reaction.
@@-melanie-1115 Also I use to pick slow days for the infusion with the scheduler. Although there might not be slow days where you go. Wednesday was usually a little more quiet. Great idea emailing your neurologist. I would think they would understand.
For me, I've come up with code phrases between me and close ones like "I've run out of spoons" which means I don't have anymore energy to talk - and they completely understand.
But in other cases, especially if it's a complete stranger - I tend to lie and say something like "Please don't talk to me right now, I have a headache" and that's enough of a repellant.
This is inspiring to me.
I'm 32 and thanks to you and your videos I can begin to heal and understand myself..I have been suffering for years undiagnosed scared. Bless you 😇🙏 thanks man
Perfect example of this: Donkey's years ago in my late teen/early 20's learning how to socialise and go on nights out drinking and trying to be "normal", was actually quite harrowing dealing with the after effects. No, it wasn't down simply a hangover - it was down to using massive amounts of psychological energy to socialise. I'd go out on a Friday and/or Saturday in pubs and nightclubs and get blind drunk, like anybody else.
However, it would *literally* take me until Wednesday to recharge - and obviously due to work commitments one couldn't simply stay off for a couple of days because "Urgh, people"; so I'd go to work and just do work related stuff, and simply barely communicate at all. Then you find yourself getting hauled into the manager's office because "What's your problem? What's with your attitude?", and you're like "Why are you hauling me in over not speaking to people, I'm doing my job perfectly fine? No?". There was only the supervisor who just thought "Oh, Mark stuff - it's how he operates. Whatever, I'm here for when you snap out of it" who didn't subject me to a pointless Spanish Inquisition that wasted mine, and their time.
Thank you for doing these. 🤔These odd creatures called humans can be draining 😏,but they exist and we need to coexist. Keep up the good work , Paul 👍👍👍
I have often thought (and said) "I can't be the same species.". At 39 years old, I am certain that I wouldn't want to be a Neurotypical person. They seem to live a life of blissful ignorance, and I would rather struggle with the rabbit hole, than not even know it exists. Sorry if that was inappropriate. It's just how I feel at times. I don't walk around saying it. lol
@@TheCgOrion Nope, not inappropriate all. This is the place to speak your mind😉
We live in their world, after all
Now that I'm older, I've gotten better at controlling what my friends thought was me just being temperamental, and I can "fake it" for an entire evening, but it comes at a cost of a couple days of mental preparation, and a couple of days to recharge afterwards. I am lucky enough to have a high intellect, so many of my friends saw me as the guy to go ask for help on various topics, and that became the focus. That added to the stress, but since I like talking about topics I'm interested in, I managed. Most of them just think I'm different, and have no idea that I'm on the spectrum. I run a "Geek Group" so it's easy to blend into that culture. Except that we have physical gatherings throughout the year, and while I really like my friends in the group, it's a big strain on me to attend these events. For anyone that might experience meltdowns or times when others think you're just being grumpy, be patient with yourself. Learning to change your automatic responses can help tremendously. I used to have a preprogrammed responses to day to day events as they happened, and much of the time they weren't fair responses. They were easier to use than systematically deciding what I thought or felt in each moment, but it added undue stress to myself and others around me. Over time I have learned to be far more stable, and able to cope, but it still drains me a lot. It took until my mid thirties (2 years ago) until I understood what was happening with me, and now I have very few bad days or interactions. I still have a lot of preprogrammed responses, but they make more sense now. I guess you could say it was learning to look on the bright side of things. I try to find what's good about something, when I use to focus on the possible negative.
I am by no means saying that this is the same for anyone or everyone, but it is my personal experience.
This is SO relevant to my life. An example that keeps coming up is this: whenever I run out of a food item, I ride around to my parents place to see if they've some that I can borrow (they're very understanding and generous). However, the problem comes in if I realize late one night that I don't have any bread, butter etc. for tomorrow's breakfast, which means that me, being a fussy eater, will have to ride around there first thing in the morning to grab some. Because I know there's a slight chance my Dad will be there and will comment on the weather or some other such thing, I can barely bring myself to do it. It just feels forced and insincere at that hour of the morning.
I cringe to death with my older relatives. I can't understand how I got so uncomfortable with them, I used to be one of the fold but feel odd now. I also marvel at how they can still do all that stuff comfortably.
@@user-us7vw3yq8p Yeah. You would think that years and years of small talk would have started to wear thin, but apparently not.
You help me to undrestand many repetitive situations in my life, I become sometimes really tired in conversations with others, in social situations I have been bullied many times. I'm not antisocial at all, but there are exahusting situations, and people who see you as week person and then victimize you...
Who else is team Friends would be cool to have but alas not enough energy?
Count me in to that!
That hit too close home
Interesting point about the taxi story. For me I find buying tickets from a machine worse because I worry that if I don't know how to use the machine, I'm going to annoy the people lining up behind me.
Wow, that person taking a taxi in order to avoid speaking to a ticket seller is so like me! How many times I've chosen the postal machine option to just avoid contact with a mailman, or catering option to avoid going to a grocery store... And how many times was I deeply ashamed of myself later because of that.
Idk if you made an episode about Aspies being bullied in their own families when they were children, pushed by their parents to be 'normal' at any cost, without any kind support from them, and how it affects our adult lives (constantly feeling ashamed, inadequate, weird, not enough for society, not deserving anything good from life).
Thank you for your videos and your channel, it's so eye-opening for a late-diagnosed Aspie like me. Please keep on publishing.
I am walking extra few blocks to avoid greeting the flower seller on my street...
I watch your videos because you explain exactly how I feel everyday but i can't put it in words!
This is my world. Great advice. At least I now understand the things I do or rather the things I should but don't do, much better. I definitely need my space after an intense period of interactions... It's not just that I'm a grumpy and intolerant old bugger... It's that I fail to deliver these seemingly unnecessary little social responses into my interactions ....
Thank you for putting this out there...going to the hair salon drains me so much...I don't go to nail salon or anything like that...it just drains me.
I'm the same when it comes to trivial communication however when someone needs help I cant wait to help them and it makes me feel so much better.
Some of these dynamics are so complicated. I deal with it now, with my closest friend's (unaware of my recently diagnosed Autism). I end up keeping everyone at a range where I'm gone to often to miss, in turn I have accept the solidarity as a result not as the goal. The diagnosis is new, the knowledge of how these things are occurring is new, but the experiences are not. And unfortunately I'm not competent enough to explain how these things work given ample time, let alone while experiencing them directly.
Masterful explanation, these are helping to build a skeleton of a future dialogue I hope to be able to hold with some dignity one day.
"I should . . ."
Yeah, that's one phrase I despise hearing uttered by others who try to 'help' me socializing in an acceptable way. I've beaten myself for decades with that phrase, still do. Now I'm always stressed, tired, and feeling malcontent for always harrying myself and being harried by others. People seem to be unable to understand, even if I explain it, why I'm socially awkward.
Eye contact is difficult, but people tell me I should try this and that and viola one day it'll be solved. I tried different ways my whole life but it will never happen naturally without a lot of stress and feelings of defeat.
At my last job, I managed to create a group of people who deeply hated me because I didn't always say hello or wave to them or that I didn't really talk to them but talked to a few others without issues. Although, when I did wave or say hello to them many ignored me. They never really cared to ask why I behaved as I did, so for ten years they had their imagined feud with me whilst I was largely oblivious to it. I knew they didn't like me but not how deeply they disliked me.
At my new job, the boss and some of my coworkers tell me to phone them if there's something I need help with. This I did do at my old job and I got chewed out for it pretty badly and people at a managerial level wrote me down several times for "being a problem". They did this despite me being consistently in the right. Of course, being socially awkward and being written up I stopped phoning coworkers, causing other problems. Understandably I do not want to phone anyone at my new job, I want to solve the issues myself. One of my newest coworkers dislikes me for not phoning him for instructions (Although I've asked about many things in person and he has given me half-arsed explanations) and told me to my face that "Stop causing drama" and "you can do your own race for all I care". The "drama" he refers to was when I tried to find a coworker for instructions but he wasn't there and it was late so I didn't wish to call for help because I didn't want to disturb someone that late - and when I've called someone they seemed always to sound irritated. Then another coworker tried to show who's boss that night by questioning my "common sense" despite me telling him I did try to work the concrete, that I'm completely new, and did seek help from the factory personnel that had abandoned their posts, which is a no-no since there most be at least one available at the computer terminal. He persisted to question my common sense for a moment before leaving me. I called my boss and explained what happened, how they organized the area around the molds (It was pitch-black) and she called the company we work together with, and they called the factory to correct their methods. This was the "drama". Obviously, I do not want to call anyone even at this new job because of their inconsistent reactions.
I rather listen to people, be their ear for the moment and just try to understand what they're actually communicating. But since social contact is difficult for me it stresses me out completely, which causes my hearing to suffer as people interact with me. I do not always hear what they're saying or understanding what they're communicating, I respond on what I think they communicate or want and get it wrong at times. This creates annoyance with me; the way they look at me is really painful and fuels my self-hatred and low self-esteem. When I try to explain myself they bulldoze me and tells me I'm not trying hard enough or that all I have to do is "this". When I do "this" it can happen that the same person who instructed me interrupts me in the action and asks why am I doing "this". Sometimes later, they're asking me why I didn't do "this". If it isn't the same person that instructed me that interrupts this other coworker tells me another "this", which creates conflicts with other coworkers. In short, people act as if they're my bosses and their will is the law. I'm completely confused, tired, stressed, and on my toes, because at any moment someone might walk up to me and try to boss me around. Eventually, I tell people what they want to hear, which can create a backlash later. This creates more "I shoulds", which fuels a vicious circle of self-doubt, self-hatred, and low self-esteem.
I shoulds is one of the worst kinds of mental torture there is.
@Teadon Urajh, how did you know about my feelings and experiences? You wrote them exactly right. I try to focus on my strengths and that makes me feel better. Have a nice day.
Sometimes it's the world around you with the problems, and not you. Sounds like you're stuck in an environment where the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, and there aren't any proper procedures in place to make things consistent and well understood. Being detail oriented can make you stall when there are obvious omissions in the instructions. Factor in ignorant, narcissistic, "good enough" employees, and you're primed to fail.
@@robertklotz9319 I've been spending a lot of time, years, gathering my thoughts and trying to understand myself. I guess that is how I managed to express a more general experience instead of solely a personal one. I hope I'd been of benefit to you.
@@TheCgOrion Sure. It is just that I am of the opinion that much of the problems around me can be placed at my feet, mostly small mistakes that are annoying in lieu of dangerous or expensive. Mistakes that damage any respect and confidence people may have of me. But this stance is also enforced by my own zealousness to not fail or underperform, I question myself whether I'm too harsh or if my retelling is accurate despite the fact I'm very concerned with honesty.
Yeah. The job is poorly administrated by lower and middle management and this includes my boss (A criticism I'm very careful to express since she is administrating three companies. I am impressed by her work ethics.) after a few poorly made decisions despite the information handed to her. Add to this that several colleagues act like foremen that all too often overlook details I'm less than relaxed at work. Other employees act as judicators that will call bosses and individuals who can end your employment on a whim if you didn't manage to release 15ton concrete in less than 6 minutes whilst smaller trucks empty on 4 minutes or will make calls whining that the biggest truck at the factory didn't manage to reverse down a twisting improvised slope in less than 5 minutes where even small trucks experience difficulties. Despite the fact that the driver had warned them hours before that he suspected his truck would have difficulties they will try to put the driver on the spot.
@@Teadon86 all added informations and experiences help as did yours. Thanks again.
Hi, late to the party on this thread but here are my experiences / thoughts. Going to work I don't want any interaction. If I see someone I know on the same train or in the street I'll pretend not to have seen them to avoid the pain of responding to 'Hi how are you, how was the weekend' etc. I know it is pleasantries and the social norm, and I know they don't really want to know how I am or what I've been up to but at that time of day I'm not geared up properly. Also, office socials are something I endured as far as possible when younger aided by alcohol (obviously) but nowadays I think 'Why bother, I won't be missed if I'm not there?' and the get ahead and make contacts boat sailed long ago leaving me on the jetty. I have luckily survived to near retirement and now I'd rather be at home than trying to engage in conversations (and a lot of people) that I have absolutely no interest in or just feel totally awkward with. I really do feel like a stranded alien trying to fit in. Like a lot of other with late diagnosis, I found out I'm on the spectrum at 59 having helped my son struggle with his condition and thinking 'This looks and feels very familiar'. The hard thing is that having a late diagnosis means little or no help. It's as if the thought from the medical / psychology side is, 'You've come this far, you have a job and your married with kids, you're doing ok, why do you need help?' I can only tell you that for me it's hard because I don't just have to think about me. I cannot be totally selfish with my time. I have to help run the family and do a lot of decision making and forward thinking for them when it's hard enough just doing it for myself! So, far more help for adults on the spectrum would really help. At the moment, it's like wanting to get out of a sealed room knowing the handle is on the other side of the door but you're expected to find a way to open it on your own with no clues 🤯. In the meantime thank heavens for the internet and channels like this. If you get to read this Paul, a huge thank you. Take care all. 🖖
most men with Aspergers have never been in any kind of relationship with a female . You must be one of the lucky ones .
Wow thank you so much. I am interacting with an aspi and our communication is very challenging lately. With your Chanel I understand this person better
My husband has Asperger‘s. Thank you for explaining this!
Nailed it yet again.
Thank you very much and all the best!
I really don’t care if anyone thinks I’m rude. Their unsolicited contact with me is rude.
Hell yeah! I carry kinda the same demeanor. If anyone wants to bother me for any reason, Well, its not usually going to be good for them. I didnt do a single thing wrong and yet here they are. I have a alter ego I refer to as Rambo and my whole life I was bullied so i built my body up and fighting skills to handle anyone. I reached my limit of anyone giving me shit about my autism the other year. Im 38, & am a christian though so I dont go too far (wont ever kill anyone)
Me: looking at your curtains and seeing faces, while you are taking.
Me also: intended on listening carefully.
Wow, I'm exhausted and anxious just after hearing that! Thanks Paul, you're really helping me out in such a big way. Cheers✌
To socialize is to be encouraging, kind, patient, polite, and be a good listener.
I just realized what goes on when I see an argument beginning with my ex. Its the attention I can't handle when being asked pointed questions. It's been a very common spark that has ignited many a bust up! But it's taken years to see what the problem is. Phew. Done.
When ppl talk to me my head feels like a balloon of anger and I just want to run away but can't and then the only thing I can hear are my angerd thoughts. I've masked my self long enough to catch key words from sentences to respond but most of the time their single word response or have nothing to do with the topic at hand.
I've just started watching all your videos as i've self discovered recently. I still say you're a godsend. You've made so much sense of why i have been the way i am for the 36 years i've been on this planet. I cannot thank you enough for this enlightenment. Everything you say i relate to in one form or another. Its very apparent to me i have this without a shadow of a doubt now.
fantastic explanations! And, you never got off topic. Thank you for everything you shared and have been sharing on this channel
The "most extroverted, outgoing, loud, energetic person" = Annoying, avoid at all costs. LOL All triggers to my senses.
My Mom bought me echo buds last year. I told her about them have bose noise cancelling, beside just being earbuds. I just put them in anytime I have to walk anywhere near "people" & especially at work. If only work, would make it illegal to wear perfume/cologne, eating sounds, food smells & using bright lights/colors. It might be a little more tolerable. They pump in "white-noise" thru ceiling speakers all day long...Which is very annoying and does not work for any kind of talking/noise reduction. I don't even know why they think it could help, with anything. It's just constant static assaulting my hearing, in addition to all of the talking & eating sounds. Sometimes, I have to use both the echo buds & my over the ear noise cancelling headphones. And, I hate anything in my ears, over my ears/head & not being able to hear what is going on around me
ShadowKat Sam I can relate to eating sounds, “white noise” machines, noise coming through the wall while I’m trying to listen, students who eat in class, etc. I often key on background music if it is playing which no one else seems to notice.
I can completely empathize with you on the noise issues. I live in a house with people that sound like mountain trolls chasing Hobbits, whenever they do anything. I swear they cannot do anything quietly. It's not just me though, because everything they touch gets broken in an unreasonable amount of time, and naturally I end up having to fix it. They can't seem to grasp the idea of appropriate force. Especially since I'm literally twice their strength, and 1.5x their size. I'm just not sure why a Human being cannot figure out their own anatomy, and learn to walk, without heal striking the ground. I don't think they could sneak up on someone at a concert. That's just one example though. Things like letting a lock on a doorknob snap out (metal on metal), without holding a thumb over it to make it quieter, drives me crazy. I don't give them attitude about it, but I swear that when they do anything, I go into fight or flight mode a little. If I ever made that much noise, something serious would be going down, so my brain tells me to pipe up. Not to mention appropriate speaking volume. Eating like barnyard animals bothers me as well. How hard is it to put a spoon in your mouth, close your lips, and pull the spoon out? Turns out there's no slurping required. lol sorry. I'm venting now. I have recently gotten a nice headset too, and it is a wonderful thing. Although I have two dogs that I love very much, and I worry that I might be ignoring them if they need something. Luckily I tend to only wear them at night, while they are sleeping. I'm surprised the white-noise doesn't help with the noises. The speaker sound must be terrible. Do running fans help you? I guess I'm wondering if it's that sound in particular or all white-noise. I'm not a big fan of bright lighting either, and I wonder how common that is.
@@TheCgOrion The white noise at work is always the same, never changes & it's everywhere. No escape from it, except headphones or going outside. It's like the static is borrowing in my brain, burning my ears. A fan is better since the blades going through the air, fluctuates the sound. Yeah, I agree with you on all of your comment. Same with silverware scraping, clanking on plates, bowls and cups, additional eating noises. With the lockdowns, I've just started working from home last week. It's amazing. I live by myself, with a couple of cats, so I'm in control of the temperature, lights, noise, scents, smells, talking, eating... All of the things. Plus, no panic attacks from trying to leave my house or from being around people
@@papongpapong1047 are you sensitive to noise/sounds? Or, the "noisy" person? I'm just confused by the " fit that description perfectly" then asking how to be less annoying. If you're sensitive to sounds, headphones, music/noise canceling, avoid it, if you can. I don't eat out or go to family dinners. If, you are the annoying person, just stop LOL Seriously, depends on the people you're around & what upsets them. To most, it seems like everything triggers us. To me, I get upset from anything I deem unnecessary. Like, is it necessary to eat loudly? No, eating can be accomplished quietly. Is it necessary to stomp or drag your feet while walking? No, walking can be nearly silent. Is it necessary to wear perfume/cologne? No, not necessary. If, it's only with 1or 2 others, that aren't bothered by perfume/cologne, go for it. Perfume/cologne can trigger panic attacks, fight/ flight response or anger in others. Just my thoughts, but, I think asking, is "this" necessary? Could help. If you are looking for ways to understand, work with us, Thank you!
For them it’s something to ignore so you can focus on yr task, background talking is kind of their thing haha I don’t like it when they play music and expect me to be able to focus on the conversation for lmfao
If someone said to me, "I don't want to talk to you". I would be so heartbroken. I would assume it was forever, and because they didn't like me, or I had done something wrong so they were mad at me, and then I would want to know why, so I'd talk to them more to try and fix the problem which wouldn't help if there was no problem between the 2 of us.
So, if you must block people from talking to you because you need non-talking time, than say that. Or say, "I need time to think or recharge". If it's too early in the morning, say "my brain isn't awake yet, so I can't talk now".
Basically, make sure the person knows your need to not talk is because of you, not because of the person who wants to talk with you or you will hurt their feelings, and hurt the relationship.
Thank you Paul for sharing some transparency as some individuals may not wish to reveal about themselves. Your videos sheds light on the misunderstood behaviors of Aspie community. You explain limitations and barriers in very good way.
im so relieved to hear the intro to this video. i have quit my gym membership because they had a 'motivator' who kept checking in with you during your workout sessions. i found that so irritating, i eventually dreaded it more than the workout itself. but noone else seemed bothered which left me even more puzzled to why i cant be 'normal'
If I had to give one advise, it's to practice a small, non-committal smile. It's socially acceptable, and people won't ask "are you okay? You looked sad/angry." It also prevents other people from getting hurt by your perceived rejection. Remember that the person you don't respond to can be suffering from low-self esteem, anxiety, or struggling with a traumatic event.
Every time I try to socialize I get migraines because I need to choose my words carefully.
Sometimes Autistic ask questions too much and sometimes they font know that their being rude so the more that they made mistakes the more the carefull
When I need to make a call, I go through all she stages of grief before that, and sometimes a migraine after.
What helps me is:
*stimming, doodling, humming quietly
*taking a breath and focusing on the moment, on what's happening in my body right now, instead of getting caught in the story about how frustrated I am
*promising myself that we'll get through it and do something satisfying afterwards
I used to work in direct sales. Good money, but I eventually hated my bosses and customers because their was always a damn problem that I had to talk my way out of. I even had to make things up just to get along with certain people that drained my energy. In short, I hate pretending to like everyone.
I have NCA. Very rare and similar to autism. Please don't beat yourself going off script. I want to encourage you, because it's VERY good when you go off script! It's THOSE times that your re-living the events.. instead of 'explaining' them. I'm sitting here thinking, YES!
You mentioned 'phone calls'. I'd call my mom to check on her.. she'd say,
Hello?
'Hi mom, how are you.
I'm alright.
"Good.. OK, gotta go!"
Unlike today, I had nothing to compare it to.. so, although I tried to explain it, it was always, "You don't look sick".
Anyway, thanks!
you explained all perfect ! just wish l was that good ,l struggle mostly at work l have to deal with potential clients l'm self-employed, and even though l don't earn a great deal of money l need an accountant which makes my earnings even less.l could never work for a company l tried in the past its to much demands and control over me l always end up needing days off to recover. thanks paul. Steve UK
Paul, thank you for helping me to better understand my son. He's nearly 30, and I had no idea what life was like for him until I started watching your videos. Thank you from both of us!
You are well spoken and your videos are well organized. Good job! Thank you.
its like I understand I should interact but I don’t know how to? gives me so much anxiety
Haha opposite happens to me, i know how but i dont see why i should, its like i just feel more comfortable being alone
I think I would have multiple examples for such kind of situations, lol.
But the most present is my current work situation.
I've been working in a relatively small space with many people in some kind of sheltered workshop (for ergotherapeutic reasons), hence lots of noises and social interactions.
Although I'm absolutely unchallenged with the type of work I've got to do (yeah, it's kind of boring...), all the other things like the noises and the social situations are absolutely exhausting to me. I rarely have energy for any activities other than work...
Fortunately, I've got only one more week and then I can recharge a bit before the next chapter begins in March.
So yes, social situations can be very, very exhausting and painfull!
I want close friends but the draining and painful feeling after social interactions makes it so hard..it’s a vicious cycle of being disappointed and then hiding away again..it’s made me develop severe depression
OMG thank you so much! I have been treated rudely by people who insist on getting in your face when they think something is wrong and you need to talk about it. Thank you for verbalizing why!!
Is it just me or is he extremely good looking. Like I’ve literally watched all of his videos to stare at him lol. Not trying to be creepy but yeah.
Yeah. He is. But I think you have crush 😜
Karhu I think I quite possibly do🤔😂
I think it’s because he is too smart.
Your username and pic are iconic ❤️
I just discovered your channel. As an adult diagnosed with AS, I've found the videos very helpful and informative. Thank you. I thought I was the only person that SO dreaded interacting with others during routine daily activities. I'll wait in a long line at the self service check-out at the grocery store just so I don't have to engage with a chatty cashier or another customer in line. I also spend time thinking about what I am going to say and reply to a conversation (either in person or over the phone) that hasn't even taken place. It can be quite draining trying to anticipate social transactional signals, body language cues, and spoken inflection and tone in an effort to decipher the appropriate message being sent and giving an acceptable reply. Even the simplest tasks can leave me feeing drained when those unavoidable interactions occur.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and understand this means so much to a lot of people who are confused about their social conditions :)
thanks for the video. socializing can be so draining.
I'm loving this pandemic and Instacart! so I don't have to leave the house or interact with people!. That description of taking the cab instead of interacting with the bus ticket salesperson is so many decisions I have made in my life where I just didn't have the "spoons" to deal with an unfamiliar situation.
I had a job and there was a security guard who always said Hello to me when I came in. He thought he was being friendly, he had no idea how much dread and anxiety he was causing me. I had to face him ever morning, and at lunchtime, I would prepare a lunch at home if I had time to avoid him but I didn't always. I used to look with jealousy at all the other people walking past unnoticed, sometimes I would try to get in behind someone to avoid him. At another job there was a Big Issue seller I had to walk past to get into work, for a few months I managed to get past him without any interaction, but somehow he noticed me and clicked that I was avoiding any interaction, from then I got abuse every time I passed him. At the supermarket I use the self-checkouts to avoid having to stand and watch the checkout assistant doing it for me, I guess they get a bit bored sitting there all day, because they always want a word. Now they've got to know me too and sometimes I can hear them making comments or one of them will say very loudly, this checkout is free. Which of course all adds to the stress and anxiety. Sometimes I tell people I'm on the spectrum, but even then the don't really understand and they usually just forget or go back to judging you as they were before.
Move to sweden. Noone will ever talk to you. Swedish culture values privacy even in public spaces.
The hard part for me is I want to have conversations with people and I want to feel part of them or part of groups and be happy in the way I see others being in social situations, and lots of the time I can socialize normally, but as it builds and I have to do it often at work it feels less and less enjoyable and more tiring as it builds over time even if it's not that much, and now these weekend not as much today, but I've felt more awkward and quiet then usual even and feel mentally emotionally tired even though ofc I don't want to be. This video is so nice to have an affirmation that any socializing, let alone the amount I do is draining and it's ok to ask not to.
Dude that makes sense so damn much!! Like my parents always said I had low confidence just because I realized that I would avoid eye contact with people when I would be socially-overwhelmed and needless to say I was always too tired to explain it to them.