Autistic People are NOT natural born leaders... we're this instead...
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- čas přidán 31. 05. 2024
- A key insight into group dynamics! What does it take to lead? Why do people follow?
What is the autistic gift that we bring to the world?
*Correction: Judy Singer published on neurodiversity in 1998 (not 1990).
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My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
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As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
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Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
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My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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Peace,
~Paul
This reminds me of an old saying. "One step ahead and you're a genius. Two steps ahead and people will think you are crazy."
This is me...
I like that saying. Everyone who was great people thought they were crazy. I’m ok with that. I’d rather be great and called weird or crazy, than dull and uninteresting.
Three steps ahead and you are like Newton. Who actually was extremely eccentric and autistic. But also the biggest genius in science many say.
I like the sentiment.
Trouble is that a lot of bat shit crazy people are confusing being far out with being ahead.
I'm looking at you crystal healer, and you conspiracy nutter.
Yea. Love this! So true!
Nothing makes me feel more alone than being around other people.
Ya
I haven't been diagnosed, but this sentence resonates deeply with me.
I'm 14 and this is deep
@@lucasevergarden6601 😭😭😭
You hang in there, Lucas.
You are not alone.
A former coworker did an experiment w me. My idea and build out, intentionally he pitched it. Everyone marveled at it and he said “yeah, it was all her idea. I’m just pitching it to prove to you how you’re ignoring the genius in front of you. Wonder why that is?” Our theory was bc I was the only female in a group of men. That was in 2007. I was diagnosed this past year. This video makes me want to reach out and thank him for seeing ‘me’ for who I was at heart. May just do that soon. Thank you for the great video. (Two years old and it is still relevant. Proof of great advanced-thinking content on an algorithm platform. Well done.)
Heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. I know the grief of being ignored. But not the joy of being seen and defended, though. I'm immensely happy for you for having such a person in your life. I don't socialize much anymore, and try to keep it superficial and super casual when I do.
But had you pitched it yourself they might have still liked it, you'll never know. If not then it's likely you have the brains but the other guy has the presentation.
@@c_n_b I had pitched numerous ideas for 3 years. Same caliber. Executed numerous web stories that were syndicated netting millions of page views. Ignored on calls. Blatantly interrupted. At one point it was alluded that I was prettier when I was quiet. Bear in mind I was meek, but trying to save funds and effort and improve breaking news workflows and serve the community. I was also the only female digital strategist at the time and knew code where none of the others did. It was more than JUST the ‘dizzy tizzy,’ it was misogyny, too. That was key.
Yes, yes, and yes! Still relevant today and I needed to hear this! WE are innovators! 😀
@@DigitalBrooke Sounds like you had a double whammy levied against you, with no good justification for either. Very unfair. Hopefully you've found a better group to work with / in.
One of my earliest memories from elementary school was in first grade when the fire alarm went off and a deaf child was screaming inconsolably. While everyone was unsure what to do I had said "Just turn off her hearing aid." A few moments later a boy next to me said to turn off her hearing aid loudly, and they did just that.
Autists don't need a youtuber to define who and what they are 😉
@@sepg5084 'Kay.
That's always frustrating. It makes me wonder what would have happened if you'd just gotten up and done it and soothed her. That's the sort of thing I learned to do (though I never had a hearing aid in a fire drill) because I ended up getting sick of the delay until another person suggested the same thing I already had. Now I kind of "mom" over people as an outgrowth of that.
im that jackass who would have said just that, as i walked over and did it.. infact i did when a an air raid alarm that was ment to be uninstalled, was turned on and the switch broke off (plastic broke off in the old arse socket from when we had air raid alarms allover the country..)
that was sooo f-ing loud, it echoed threw the buildings vents above and bvelow thje floor even outside it was just noise.. poor girl a few yrs my jr was crying hands over ears and teachers around bewildered... i walked over (like 5 steps) and took them out of her hears, she later told me the pain blanked her mind and she didnt think to pull them just covered them and cried.. by hs, surgery to remove scar tissue had given her better then average hearing.. she wore stage plugs most of the time and could hear like normal.. only took them off around friends when she was sure it woujldnt get loud..
@@Amehana indeed. I don't aspire to be a leader, but I take the mantle when nobody else tries to solve the issue.
Happens to me all the time at work. I actually proved it to a work buddy at a meeting, when I offered a suggestion and nobody in the room reacted at all, except my buddy, who looked at me, and then repeated my suggestion. Everyone reacted and acknowledged "his" good idea. He immediately looked back at me with a look of shock. That was a very validating moment for me.
Oof
Humans are emotional being. What causes them excitement? Charismatic neurotypical chads. So when they make a suggestion that's when they will feel happy
It’s the workplace version of being Cyrano de Bergerac. It’s not the substance, but the packaging that sells.
Hell, sometimes I feel like I couldn’t sell water to a dying man in the desert. (Sales is the WORST occupation for us.)
Same here. I’m feeling validated by your experience.
@@hopsiepike I’m great with customers on accident (re: up-selling). I haven’t really looked into it because I don’t like sales, but if I were to hazard a guess (at least in my case), it usually involves connecting it to something they hadn’t thought of. Like once there was an apple cinnamon dessert pie, lady looked at it and was like nah, I mentioned how it’s nice as an easy/fun breakfast. (Like cinnamon rolls).
This was one of my biggest insecurities growing up. In the US, everyone is obsessed with "leadership qualities", but I will be honest at job interviews and say no, I'm actually more of a follower. Not in a conformist sense (obviously) but tell me what to do and I'll get it done. If everyone is a leader, who the hell are they leading??
Themselves to higher paying positions
I say no to leadership it comes with too many headaches and subordinate bull , responsibility and b. s pay for more hours n no respect I'd rather just take the money n run although I don't mind helping you but I get to ho
This is exactly my problem with job interviews. I am brutally honest. The question that 9/10 employers ask, and 100% of the GOOD paying ones ask, is "Why should we hire you?"
I have no idea. I know you want me to say something along the lines of "I'm the best fit for the job", or something witty and relevant, idk. I am unable to SELL myself. You have to give me a chance to prove myself, and show you what I can do. I am extremely socially awkward and anxious, so it is relatively impossible for me to explain all of this and not look like an idiot, or like I am high as a kite. I need to learn how to say something along the lines of "I don't know, hire me and we can both find out." without sounding rude, or full of myself. Society has taught me the only way to be successful is to be selfish, lie, cheat, and steal all the way to the top, and that is just not who I am.
You'd think more people would appreciate people who want fill support roles. Every party needs a healer
@@DragonMoth34 It's tough to be honest in a corrupt world.
I'm not autistic, but I always seemed to gravitate towards those who weren't always heard or didn't get the right attention they deserved. I always found those people to be genuine and more aware of what's going on than those around them focused more on winning social points
I was like this as well as a child.. I found out by making friends with the more isolated quiet kids that they were very interesting and talented, they needed to trust you to be able to show who they were. These individuals put up masks to fit in and that can be tiring.
I came here to say this as well. But I also think this is more of a discussion about alpha, vs sigma, vs beta. We're all sigmas
Great point.
@@pop2522 None of those exist. You cant put humans in those small categories Lol
@@pop2522 Yep. It wasn't until my current partner explained this to me that I heard this term. We're not part of the social hierarchy, not even on the bottom wrung of it. We're outside the hierarchy. I'd thought that was a good thing because I was clearly right so who cares, right? But no, you have to play the game if you want to score the points.
I have a colleague on the autism spectrum. He’s an amazing software engineer. When he started working for us about 5 years ago he didn’t have confidence in his leadership ability. He hadn’t found his voice yet. Slowly he grew in his confidence as he was given tiny leadership tasks, then slowly greater ones, and greater ones. He has really come into his own as a thought leader and many seek him out for his wisdom.
“I don't care that they stole my idea. I care that they don't have any of their own.”
“The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine.”
― Nikola Tesla
It will be if Biden releases those secrets of free, global electricity whose patents are hidden in Federal government vaults...
@@CellGames2006 I won't hold my breath regarding what I call the Hive of Monopolists
@Vakond Simple Yes sometimes it is better to hode your light under a bushel. The gangsters can then go elsewhere hopefully to oblivion
@@CellGames2006 I think it's more than obvious that joe can't even speak, let alone express any semblance of free will. To say he _could_ release any secret is just ridiculous. Didn't they end his transmission as soon as he said he was ready to take questions?
@Vakond Simple fascinating Person..
I've noticed that how most people respond to information depends more on how they feel about the person giving the information than it does on the information itself. Personally, I've always found that very odd.
I've found it extremely perplexing. I've come to terms with it but as a teen it made me really mad that people would treat me so badly because they felt I was weird. Asperger's is a superpower and NTs just find it threatening. We're mutants, and Magneto was right!!!
It definitely doesn’t make the most sense, but I think people are like that because with someone they know and like, they have more built up trust and feel like they can trust who and what’s being said to them more, they feel more comfortable. I don’t have autism I have adhd, but I can say that does play a part.
This is how we get manipulated more easily if not already educated on certain tactics.
Your comment just got my wrinkles going...
I definitely find you are right, Information should be viewed independent from the person delivering it.
But a couple weeks ago an uncle of me sent some crazy anti-vaxx pamphlet into a group chat with a link to a doctor.
So i checked the doctors website, turns out she is spezialised in homöopathie and traditional chienese medicine (basicly, not much sience involved).
Sources are important, for sure.
Don't forget about that vital corollary: presentation.
People DEMAND that information be presented palettably and pleasant.
"Look, if you want people to listen to you, you need to start saying it in a more pleasant tone of voice. The way you say stuff makes people feel like you are angry at them, and you need to work on that."
". . . Ok , then. I am just going to pleasantly walk back over this way, pleasantly stepping over the rope you guys lifted to walk under, and I am pleasantly going to stand next to this sign that I was trying to tell you five about. Have a pleasant day."
(Sign)
"HAZARD:
Cliff and Slope are Unstable
Trained Personnel Only
Maximum 3 People/500lbs
Beyond This Point"
Seriously, it is like that...
I used to see my special education as a giant mark on my life, a little slip of paper saying I've got a few kinds of mental issues set me into different dumbed down classes, with dumbed down work and dumbed down effort. They let us breeze through and I was never more insulted to be treated like just side trash you gotta get out of the way.
As an adult, I currently work with people who do not understand how vegetables "work", who think cold water makes you fat, and cannot understand how being slammed with 200lbs could hurt you. And these same people are allegedly "normal"
If you're struggling with the perception that you're an idiot because that's what the general public says, take a closer look. Odds are they're literally soo frigging retarded you'll feel like a genius, and realize all that special education didn't slow you down at all.
I feel that same way, I've been hanging out with a group of friends who are as autistic as me and yet, all could agree that teenagers are stupid, I'm 19 now and I honestly feel like I shouldn't be saying that and yet I am.
I aways thought I was less than others when I didn’t agree with them. Until one day I realized that in so many cases the ones arguing with me wouldn’t get my point bc they just couldn’t…. 😎❤️
They're messing with you.
thank you for this . as an autisitc female i have a hard time dealing with what is FAIR. I often innovate ideas that get rejected but a few years later the same people are jealous of me for persuing these ideas. For example i decided to move offgrid before it was fashionable and everyone was gossiping and teasing me for living in a tiny home. Now they envy me!!! I wish they would just ask for advice.
This helps, but it really hurts. It is hard to accept the possibility of never reaping the social and material benefits of my own ideas. I didn't sign up to be a martyr, to have everything stolen from me, and to be left behind. I don't exist solely for the collective wellbeing. I deserve wellbeing too.
Waaagh waaaaaaaaahh
Couldn't agree more. That must be the reason why I barely share anything and hoard the good stuff for myself.
Too bad berger.
Bingo.
I stopped sharing and now take pleasure in watching the cattle torment themselves over the lack of what I consider a simple solution.
Nah, maybe we are not "natural born leaders", but we can use logic to do things that are not in our instinct, so we can be leaders and we can be the best leaders if we are smart enough, because we are not bound by our instincts. We start as bad as possible, and we improve slower in social things, but your potential is limitless. At least that's what i like to think and do.
I literally live through this at work 2 or 3 times a month. Not even joking. I've made a joke to be ignored and literally 2 seconds later someone makes the same joke and everyone is laughing. I thought I was going crazy.
Tell me about it.Drives you crazy too
Check out Key and Peele - High on Potenuse. Proof even some comedians understand this. 😁
I used to just repeat myself and it would become very obvious I was just being ignored. Makes you feel terrible :/
@@JamiePattersonBrady I love that sketch lol
Then you have to ask yourself if the energy or humor or ideas put out is worth the dis.
I got self conscious in school about asking questions. It always felt like I was almost having a one on one discussion with my teachers. When I asked one of my friends about it they were dumbfounded and shocked that I was worried, "You ask the questions I haven't even realised I need to ask yet".
Over the years I've just gotten used to saying "I told you so" without actually saying it
I’m 50+ and you have just simply explained why I’m so unhappy in my job and why things can be so stressful and difficult.
I refuse to lead for exactly the same reason why I refuse to follow.
Wait a sec, aren't you the "gravity" clip person?
Is that reason GRAVITY?
U just a lonewolf.
You just explained me to me.
What is that reason... you can follow well without leading, and that's sometimes pretty good.
I have been a "natural" leader, sort of. The funny thing is, that my autistic tendency to go my own way, made other people think I knew what I was doing and therefore worth following.
This has been my experience as well! I never persuade people to follow me, precisely because when I go off to do my own thing, it's MY OWN thing, I make no regards to whether others should do the same. However this lack of inhibition leads people to think I'm confident and know what should be done; I don't, I just like playing the lottery with myself and the odds happen to be greater than 50/50(progress only happens if you're trying new things, no guarantee of success, but it's the direction you need to take)
For instance, the habits people take at work were "tried and true" and that's what people have been doing for years and it's worked out alright. Once I came along, I watched what they did, thought to myself "alright, seems fair" but would also try the unconventional route from time to time. People thought I was silly and irresponsible at first, but my methodology often made certain processes more efficient and so other people would take up my way of doing things.
Yeah, it happens to me too
I call it the "dumb genius" problem
Same here..lol
Forrest Gump.... ?
Autism and confidence are not mutually exclusive. Their synergy can attract people =)
This is so relatable that it hurts, What I found out is that is easier to be the second hand of a leader and give advices only to them, also just doing things as an "experiment" until it becomes a standard.
Same. In high school I somehow befriended a 6'6" tall popular guy. We would hang out one-on-one a lot. He gave my ideas legitimacy to the group. But also in group settings i'd be the first picked on / messed with / butt of the joke. Occasionally he'd stick up for me which was nice.
Yeah, I am the exact same way. I've always seen myself as a Rafiki from Lion King or a Colonel Cutter from Antz.
I know this video is a year old and no one will probably see this, but it seems like more and more of these types of videos I'm seeing are starting to speak to me. I'm trying to not let myself believe I'm autistic because it just seems like an easy out to explain things but anyway... I'm responding to this specific comment because my entire life I've observed that I enjoy being #2 socially. My best friend in high school was the class president, while also being close to complete outcasts, young adulthood was the same socially, and even the career path I took has very specifically been playing second fiddle to the "star performer". I've always liked it that way.
@@vince9323 or hosea from read dead redemption 2
This has happened to me multiple times at different workplaces. It's good in a way because it shows the true nature of whom i am dealing with. If i am presented with a good idea from someone, i have always credited the source (always). i have never in my life wanted to become a leader, 99% of leaders are horrible human beings and i don't understand this obsession with everybody wanting to be a leader. Just a bizarre world to me.
Most people want power without responsibility, next question.
ive always wanted to be a leader, because i knew nobody would give enough of a shit to understand me otherwise. it's the opposite reaction to the same problem: nobody will listen to us. im not autistic, but adhd and also an empath, so while my struggle doesnt look quite the same i think at it's core it's the same thing. nobody will listen, so im going to force them to. not with violence or fear, but with understanding, respect, and power. everyone thinks that power corrupts absolutely, but i dont think that's true. i think that absolute power corrupts those who dont understand or care about the ramifications of said power, but being a leader (ergo having power) is not inherently a bad thing, and wanting that can be something noble, as long as you do good with it. (not saying you should want to be a leader nor that your experience isnt valid, just that for me it became my obsession BECAUSE i knew that my ideas were good and that if people would just listen they would be better off for it. i wanted to save the world, and, as much as i can help it, ill be damned if im going to let life, let alone other people, stop me)
@@therealjibrano + Bjoern Daniel: Somebody (if not all at the same time) needs to take the lead. Nothing wrong with being the leader. But I wouldn't grant absolute, unqualified power to anyone, not even the one who's never (so far) let me down. It just ain't healthy for them or for the rest of us.
@@ColargolPL absolute and unqualified are not the same thing. one of my idols is superman because his whole thing is that he has absolute power, but he always resists the corruption that comes with it. i dont think it is impossible to do the same in the real world, but rather that it is a far more difficult task than anyone can realize. but by god if i can do that i will, _especially_ if i become someone powerful
because leaders usually makes more money and that helps you on alot of things to gain money
I think the most frustrating part of being part of the autistic spectrum is hyper fixating on a subject so much, only for your opinion to be dismissed because people don't value your opinion. And then the opposite problem happens where you try to mask your own hyper-fixation in order to appear "normal" to the point of exhaustion. I see this mainly on group projects, and in that case it's even worse because your grade DOES depend on it, and people not hearing your points doesn't benefit anybody. Society values the people who talk the loudest, not the people who've got something to say
You're so right about people listening to those who talk the loudest. I used to work in a customer service oriented job (which I hated l). If a customer approached me with a question, sometimes I couldn't answer them because invariably some loudmouth in the dept would drown me out.
This video hit me like a ton of bricks. I've always felt like I should be a leader, but it also always felt like I was overlooked. This explains why. I'm not a leader, I'm a trailblazer. People may not follow us where we go, but the path we make when we go will help to guide the leaders who come behind us.
agreed.. i'm an advisor there with good ideas but not always listened to.. if a leader type is captain kirk i'm mr spock
@Nathan Zhang with one slightly disturbing biological parallel - whether your are a creationist or evolutionist - the beasts roamed the earth before man - so they got to a lot of trails first - now we move on their purified waste.
I think a lot of NTs see non-NTs as strange beasts, and group thinking takes over - tame the beasts and exploit them.
Just a thought.
That's really nicely put, and resonates with me. I constantly think about issues that won't affect humanity for some time, perhaps centuries. With most people, mention of any of that stuff kills the conversation because they can't relate to it, but to me it's important because these are big topics that should be discussed right now so that we're thinking about them and are more prepared when the actual challenges eventually arise. Either I'm centuries ahead of my time, or I'm an impractical fantasist. Many people would say the latter, but what really gets to me sometimes is: how am I actually supposed to know the difference? Maybe there's no real point to any of it and I'm just entertaining myself.
@@macronencer you are who you are - like it or leave it. Prioritisation is sometimes responsible for future thinking. But again are you being judged by yourself or NT massive? And I suspect if you judge yourself you also judge harder and deeper than NT massive.
So I get accused (rightfully so) of focusing on detail. But I also see big picture and can morph between and around them. Being able to see a stand out issue is frankly bleeding obvious/clear. A lot of people fix that and stop. Because it is the dominant problem - once solved all is well. But likely you have already seen way ahead, forward predicted a range of scenarios, costed and competed them played the "what if" analysis and concluded the little detail has significant and far reaching impact in a variety of futures.
I find it take 1 year plus for the inevitable to happen. I even document examples. "Oh we didn't interpret it that way! Who could have known". Well anyone who can read and understand the forward prediction.
Keep faith in yourself and find some true friends where you can ask the kinds of questions that are important to you - trade and share with blthose who care :-)
@@stephenhookings1985 Thanks! I agree about the one-year timescale thing. It's not always me doing it, either. Sometimes people better than I am at predictions will say something is obviously going to happen (e.g. in politics) and then a year later I notice all the news outlets are acting surprised that it did. There seems to be a pattern of "a minority spot a likely outcome, and it takes a while for the majority to catch up and understand"...
This hits home. I have had almost that exact experience in a work situation - I suggested a solution to a problem we were discussing, the boss looked at me with a disgusted look like "How dare you speak up?", then a few minutes later someone else who was more of a natural leader suggested the same thing I did, and everyone went with that.
At the end of that meeting I was held back and counseled by that boss as a substandard performer.
This was over 30 years ago. Yes, I might still be bitter about it. With hindsight I can recognize that the problem was me being in the wrong job, but it still hurt to experience that.
Thats just disgusting. Knowing me I would have went off on the boss in that very moment. Wouldn't be the first time. We'll not went off, asked why he thought it was appropriate and ratchets up my emotions.
Every boss Ive ever had Ive always told them what I thought of them. But I have found just being authentic from the start, most people gravitate towards it. But over time see you as stubborn. but are willing to put up with it.
Happened all the time, even in my family. An industrial pshycologist once told me after having done a series of tests, that whatever I think of now, others will realize 6 months later.
This reminds me of something my daughter said to me once...Mommy, you have ideas and then later people do them. I remember feeling very seen when she said that. 🥰
Oh that’s was my partner In His family business
I always wondered why that happened to me as a kid too. Then I just started avoiding normies because they were pissing me off for multiple reasons.
I was called weird for stuff and later they were doing it like it was normal.
At least we're in good company. Nikola Tesla was an innovator. Edison was a "leader". Edison sabotaged Tesla because he wanted to win instead of advance science. But Nikola Tesla will go down in History as the true genius. Edison will be knows as a major asshole.
Aww, I love that
My Whole Life! We are The Original Thoughts ..it takes others time to catch Up! ❤
Awwwwww🥰🥰
Maybe this helps some: I once had a job in a very hierarchical institution. The kind where you where insignia to tell everyone your official status. Now we were in a group where many on us with the same status were grouped and the official leader decided he needed one intermediate more and pulled a "magic feather" stunt on me. He told me he declared me leader. And so I adjusted my mask and spoke with authority, the first time in my life having people follow my every word. And those who know the term/ trope "magic feather" already know what I found out only a lot later... he never told anyone else that he made me the leader of this group. The sheer fact that I assumed authority and spoke as if it is obvious that everybody has to follow my lead obviously send out the exact signals for the others to follow. I never again felt powerless after that. Yes, it's a mask, but if I'm masking anyway, I can configure that mask however I want, can't I.
As an undiagnosed 63 year old man, I find your ideas relatable. Always have, always will. Having never been a herd animal, I’ve always found solace in my own path. Recently, having to restart my career, I became quite confused having to try to please people. A client simply said “You do you, Rob,” and now once again I do. Despite my innate ability to innovate, and despite having failed to accumulate fiscal wealth, the most important thing for me now has become the building of a safe and solid base from which I expect to innovate at my own pace, forever. I have found my own path among my own people and am in a supportive relationship, all this took time, and heartache, and failure. For the first time in my life I am content in a very positive way. Btw, I am still emotionally strange, to myself and others, but my frustrations are more manageable with the community support I am slowly acquiring.
How's the career restart going? Im over 50 and going through the same thing. It's hard for anyone to restart their career, doubly so if over 50, and that is all compounded by autism. I was forced out of a six figure salary job, by a terrible manager, and have realized that my career field has completely changed and my skills are completely useless. I've applied to a couple jobs, but have been turned away, I suspect because of ageism. Do you have any advice to share?
@@kriscontinuum3267 whoa, I’m honored that you reached out to me for advice. I’m not sure my advice has general value but the strategy I’m using has worked for me so far and seems to indicate a future. I am a commercial artist. At times in my career I’ve worked exclusively for an employer, at other times I’ve been completely independent but nethertheless have been beholding to my clients. When my career ended I took pick up work, mostly light construction, but continued to seek wok in my chosen profession. I decided to only take work I was interested in, and to make those projects to the absolute best of my ability irrespective of budget. Obviously I tried to stay within the bounds of budget but did not allow it to limit me. For example I found myself spending way more hours on some projects than was expected. I did this to produce, what was for me, the best work ever. I thought of restarting my career as making my career the thing I would have chosen from the beginning, if I’d be armed with this lifetimes worth of knowledge and experience. The result is my new work is now beginning to sell itself because people want quality and a fair price. Beginning again has allowed me, by keeping accurate time records, to quantify my projects to such a degree that I can now properly bid knowing I will not be exhausting the budget. So far so good, and I am also fully prepared to turn on a dime at any point, to reconsider my approach and my client/market relationships.
So happy for you💜
I'm commenting before watching the full video, because I never knew this was a common experience. I've ranted about it many, many times when explaining why I hate group work. All my memories of group work at school or uni or team building etc, follow a similar pattern: "Here is the task. You have 30 minutes." I take a few moments to figure out what to do or read the instructions, then tell everyone else exactly what it is that needs doing. I get ignored. The loudest pushiest person takes over, and those people are rarely bright, and everyone goes along with them. I try to point out that they are doing it wrong and explain how to do it. Get ignored. After 15 minutes someone says, "I know what to do!" and says what I said all along. If I say that's what I said, I get treated like I'm trying to steal credit. At the end, the teacher (or whoever) comes over and congratulates the loud person for their leadership skills, and someone tells the teacher etc that I did nothing but stand there (while they all did it wrong). Maybe one person will quietly inform me that they did in fact hear me the first time. (I did say I rant about it!)
I spent 18 years in the military before being diagnosed. I absolutely love leadership. That is because if you understand and internalise the theories of leadership you can be a great leader even if you are lacking in social skills. Actually being autistic and not forming very deep relationships means I can be a impartial leader and fair to everyone because those relationships do not make me biased. And because you are also the innovator as you said you can think the leadership outside the box too.
My belief with autism is somebody would fair well in the military on the grounds everything is structured it’s all about time uniformity organisation etc..especially if it’s something you really want to do...my son has the Asperger side and was rejected from the Royal Navy it was tough news but he’s picked himself up and is now going to train to be a merchant navy engineering officer.
@@baldfatman5374 And I personally know he will be the best damn engineer officer they will have if ship engines is what interests him. I spent 18 years in the military but now studying to become a nurse. Gonna try to get as a nurse on the cruise ships because that work schedule just works for me. Rather do a shit ton of work in one sitting and then have a longer time off. I cannot really recover from the work in 9 to 5 job during the night and then will be exhausted for the weekend. So it is the same to do all the work in one go.
Thanks to the VA, I'm in the process of setting up a Screening for the Possibility of being an Aspie as my Social Worker is 100% convinced I'm on the spectrum after teh past 2 months of talking to me.. THe funny thing I was in the Corps for 5 years.. and I hated taking lead.. I usually did anything and everything to stay in the background. Then once I hit the Civilian world, the next thing I know I have a 40 Person Street Crew and the VP of a Car Club... which was handed to me as I didn't voluntaringly ask for it. I can barely stand people and social settings, but have been told so many times over the years that I am a Great Leader when I take Lead.
My Social Worker told me that even though I may be on the Spectrum, that b/c I dive heavily into my Logical thinking side and Analyze everything, it made it where I can see or feel out how people are thinking and feeling, and then using my logical brain to think of "What's best" as a Leadership step..and then people naturally tend to follow me. I don't know how many times over the years I've had circles of friends tell me I was "The Alpha," of their group and I was like "Wait..what!? WHY!??? I don't wanna be your Alpha " lmao
Business Management and Leadership Ethics I am obsessed. 😍
@@rawaspectgaming7093 I am retired military. The VA used my ASD diagnosis to label me as having a chronic mental condition. Put me on clonzepam and respiradone and 16 other drugs then called me non compliant when I went off of those horrible toxic drug, because they refused to help me get off of them. I was going into liver failure!. Then my VA doctor fired me, tried to discredit my physical disability complaints that I was already awarded as compensation.
I quit going to the VA and I pay out of pocket for my medical care. I take one medication, for thyroid.
Be careful. They'll use you as a guinea pig.
A strategy I used regularly in my professional life was to tell my idea (that I knew was good) to a respected colleague in private. Automatically, when this person brought it to a board meeting, my idea was accepted and acted upon…which was what I wanted in the first place. I just had to accept the satisfaction of it instead of the glory; an excellent training in detachment.
At 67 I have found pleasure in seeing success of my ideas. Just knowing I was correct gives me great pleasure. It is more like true Joy. I care not who takes the credit!
You need 1000 times more likes! Satisfaction instead of glory!
NT’s tend to be egotistical where as Autistics can totally separate the idea itself fir its value! This just occurred to me why I am the way I am and don’t get the whole game playing at work! Thank you so much!
You can have your ideas implemented, provided you don't want your name on it :-)
eminence grise
I remember when i first got into the financial services. I really struggled getting someone to take me seriously. Then i had an interview with a lady, generally ive never gotten a job being interviewed by another woman. She was so warm and had compassion. She seen something in me that no one could grasp. She offered me the job and it turns out i turned out to be a lovely adviser. Now many years later, im about to step into the next step of my career, advising other advisers!
In addition to my previous comment, there’s this weird thing I have been experiencing all of my life. Every time I entered into an education, course or class, in the beginning the teachers would be in awe about the questions I asked, because they found them to be so refreshing and intelligent and they liked being challenged to expand their own knowledge, because they didn’t always know the answers. But then, within let’s say two or three months, they started to feel more and more annoyed with my questions and no longer admired me for my brightness and original ways of looking at things, but instead started putting me down publicly. Apparently they couldn’t handle themselves being confronted with their own insecurity, lack of knowledge etc., while for me it was never a problem when they didn’t know the answer and had to look it up. VERY frustrating…..
I always appreciate this type of student, was like that too. I don't mind if the student knows something I don't.
@@surlespasdondineI think the insecurity comes when the student knows something you don't, while you think it should have been something you actually should know.
I have had the same experience with jobs. Managers and bosses quickly start viewing you as a threat, and the result is getting ignored, bullied, and eventually pushed out.
@@kriscontinuum3267I am experiencing the same thing at every job and it is so exhausting. I even specifically join companies where they are open-minded and have feedback culture and open door policy. My performance is always stellar and I still get fired after getting in conflicts with coworkers.
They got their over inflated ego hurt, not your fault. Most people are immature and not in touch with themselves.
One teacher in particular, in grade 7, said that I was a good leader, and pushed me into roles that I really hated. If I look back over my life now, I would more say that I was a good ORGANIZER. However, even when I was doing that and it involved other people, I still hated doing it. I would specifically ask if I could do group projects by myself, and back then they let me. Right from kindergarten they said I "didn't play well with others". I like connection, but more one-on-one.
In college I did group projects by myself. I destroyed the curve because of it. The teacher both hated me for proving her wrong (that teamwork is best) but respected me for the work I did. She was also the first person to ask if I was autistic. At the time I didn't know and just said I hate dealing with people as they are emotional and take absolutely everything way too personally. She added autistic to my student file and I never had any issues nor was I asked to be in teams for the rest of my college years.
Same! Most of my friends have ADHD next to autism, so I tend to be the one organizing our get-togethers.
I also prefer one-on-one connections, to the point where I used to avoid groups whenever I could as a kid.
I absolutely have work places put me in leadership roles and I have hated it every single time. I finally asked two higher management people who worked with me for a few years and got to know me and I told them I they could work me like management type tasks, but not be officially management and I would happily do those harder tasks. They listened and I did a lot of good things for the company until they left. The next thing I knew I was back to getting management back at me. I left after 18 years with that company. I didn’t want that stress I don’t function in any way of life with that stress.
I always dreaded group projects ... something always goes wrong. I don't know what they want out of me. They aren't very organized with who is going to be doing what... So i end up doing nothing at all and they resent me for it ... or I do what I think is helpful, but then they don't even use it for the project ... or I ask what part I can do to help and I just get weird murmurs of unspecific answers ... Or I'll be like "ok i'll do this part" and they're like no (name) is already doing this part ... and idk... i'm just the type of person who would rather do it all myself so that I know it gets done right. But have gotten slightly better at that with age.
@@Nempo13 wow, we need more teachers like her.
I have Autism and I've tried to be a leader several times in the past and I've failed. People can be rude, independent to a fault, they get emotional, they cannot be trusted to get the job done unsupervised. This puts pressure on us and that causes problems and then more pressure is added onto us by our bosses to "get the job done or else there will be trouble". We tend to be better as the producers rather than the main actors. This means that we work better behind the scenes rather than being the main center of attention on stage. I work in Quality Assurance nowadays and I love working by myself compared to when I tried leading an assembly line.
THIS
True, we are much better behind the scenes than up front. We’re better at making things run smoothly in the background.
QA seems to be something that people with autistic traits are kind of naturally good at. Studying a system and finding the flaws and bottlenecks is almost a natural thing to do, and they're often not afraid to tell people where improvements can be made either.
Yup, You are too smart for that organization now 😅
@@stefangrobbink7760 but the people are afraid to listen to the words coming out of your mouth. It feels like I'm talking gibberish trying to explain things to people sometimes. I sweat to you, I was trying to explain Magic the gathering one time and I would point at things and they look anywhere besides where I would point and then they ask things like completely unrelated to the subject at hand like talking about damage they would ask about how many cards to draw.
I haven't yet been diagnosed, but this was my experience growing up. Once I got to university though, I had started teaching myself the social skills that come naturally to others, which did take me a long time honestly. I found that when it came to group projects, if I just sat there and asked, "So does anyone have any good ideas?" everyone would go off in completely different directions and the finished project would be a disjointed mess. I realized I had to take charge of the group if I wanted us all to get a good grade, so that's exactly what I did from then on. It helped that I'm highly organized, capable of thinking on my feet, come across as intelligent and articulate, know how to listen well, and can formulate convincing logical arguments. If I thought my ideas were worth it, this is how I would sell them to the group.
Leadership did not come naturally to me, but it was a skill I was able to teach myself, like so many others. No matter what group I was leading, I never let them down, and we always pulled in good grades from that point onward.
How did you learn it? What books should I read? How to practice this stuff outside the university environment?
@@caiqueportolira I pretty much had to expose myself to a lot of social interactions and push through the awkwardness. It took a lot of trial and error, making a ton of mistakes, and learning from them. It helps to be a good listener, not just to show others that you care about and can respond to what they have to say, but also to hear how others speak. I'm sorry if I couldn't be more helpful or specific.
This hit me like a brick in the face. My whole career of 20 years, my whole struggle for the right path, all the problems that I encountered, summed up with a few sentences.
Quite sickening for me to see that 20+ years of a life of backstabbers and being discredited was because I’m an Asperger. My skills are very good!
Whilst I was never a leader in social groups, in an emergency or high pressure situation, the speed I thought at, my innovation and ability to think outside the box meant that I always naturally stepped in and took control. I've never enjoyed power or praise, so then would deflect praise to those around me and step back as the situation became more controlled/low pressure.
ParadoxedHope omg that is exactly what I went through so many times. I just dit on the fringe observing and letting the world turn. Until the shit hits the fan. Then everybody looks to me for guidance; the minute it is resolved I step back; I once did not to see what would happen, and they did not except my authority anymore. I do,not mind. To big a hassle.
@@Asmr_kungfu It is very mentally exhausing being in charge long term, or having the expectation on you. For a while I thrive on it but seem to burnout fairly quickly. Another approach I used to influence social groups in a lower pressure situation, is to just influence the leader, the rest will follow. Usually best done by suggestion in the form of a question. For example, I wouldn't say "Hey, let's go play football", I would say to the leader "Did you get to play much football last week?" Then he can have the idea that the group could play football now.
story of my life
If the BBQ is on 🔥, you will know what to do.
I've always been good at finishing what others have started but given up on. Or ripping the bandaids off and fixing the root problem so it doesn't need to be fixed again and again.
hearing other people have this experience too is really uplifting - thanks!
Right? I agree!
I fully agree! When I came up with new ideas, they all looked at me as if I had just arrived from another planet. Many years later, the very same people thought the idea was great when someone else brought it up again. It happened pretty often and I learned to live with it, but it was quite frustrating.
IKR?!
Same!! I can’t even count how many times I’ve had this.
Luckily I don’t give a crap about who gets credit any more. One time I had a creative yet great idea which I gained strength and decided share with a big group at work and my boss at the time went all in trying to hide all the thumbs up and cheering for the audience and just wow he was happy/proud he did so much to express it. It was such a moment I’ll carry with me forever. They took the idea forward too which was just massively. I’ll never forget this. Also he gave me enough credit for a lifetime honestly.
It’s been many years now, I’m in HR today, always making sure whoever wants credit gets it and whoever wants to be a hidden genius gets to (while still obviously get credit and acknowledged by the leaders unless uncomfortable with that). I often get proposals and I’ve noticed people truly value all these opinions. I won’t of course take credit for others ideas I’ll just say it’s anonymous if that’s their choice. In my culture it’s very common to not want to take the “spotlight” or credit. I think it’s super important to give these options though.
Anyone who steals an idea is immediately marked suspicious, it smells narcissism.
isn't it refreshing & astonishing?
YES! THIS IS MY LIFE! In fact, I've joked for years that if I ever want to get my husband to take my advice over something, I have to 'feed' it to him first, and then wait for a long enough time for him to think he thought of it all along and then tell ME that's what he's going to do as if it's news to ME.
I actually don't mind not being a leader. I have no desire to be one, I'm much happier being the one that fills in whatever (non-leader) role isn't already being filled in a group (even if that means flitting between roles as and when to get the job done.) I'd be a terrible leader anyway; I can't delegate to save my life, so most of my 'leadership' would consist of me saying stuff like "So, if you wouldn't mind doing... oh, it's okay, I can probably do that myself... maybe you could.... no, it's alright, I 'll do that... well perhaps you could... or I could just do that while I'm doing this other thing..."
Thank you for this video. This happens to me SO often in every sphere of life. It makes people like us feel angry or abandoned. I too thought the only thing that mattered was the *quality* of the idea like you said. That is FAR, FAR from reality. I very wrongfully projected my own ability to conceive ideas, recognize patterns, and innovate onto others. I failed to process the fact without critical thinking, humans are naturally fallacious in assessing whether to act on an idea because of innate psychology such as groupthink or popularity of those who present the idea.
When you explain it like this its easier not to take it so personally.
Is it really possible to not take it personally? After all, the other people do give you a strong feeling that you don't belong to "the group" ...
It is personal. Effectively, people in this situation are thinking to themselves that you are inferior, not as valuable, or in some cases they even view you as less than human. In these situations you need to assert yourself in order not to get your basic humanity erased in this way, and the important thing is not to fear being confrontational, as it _is_ personal and in most cases
@@kenshin6553 Unfortunately, you're quite right. During my career I experienced quite a few weird things. During an assessment for a senior management function, the person in charge of the assessment center told me during the interview that in his opinion I wasn't a human being. His qualification: psychologist.
@@p.m.5141 You're better than them, something greater than they can even comprehend. Remember that
@@p.m.5141 it's funny you should say that. I've often likened myself to a robot. I can install programs in myself to be social, organised, focused, empathetic, etc. but it's an approximation of humanity.
0:33 I could never understand why? The idea that people would think something is a good/bad idea depending on who suggested it seemed just too silly to be true. I still struggle with understanding this
I think it's a defense mechanism. If an "outsider" suggests something, well, they're an outsider for a reason, right? Their ideas might not be good. And even if their ideas are good, you don't want to be the only one to side with them because that makes you an outsider too. If a "leader" suggests something, you know it's safe because they're the leader.
One common trait of autistic people is not knowing or following societal norms. To us, these norms make no sense. To neurotypical people, it's all they have ever known. They don't think to do things differently because doing things "like everybody else" is safe and familiar.
That's because all the others (non-leaders) are so insecure, they are afraid to act on their own accord.
Me too.
I think the leader guarantee the social cohesion. And sometimes they rely in the leader judgement instead of their own to protect it, negotiating, but not neccesarily agreeing with it. But sometimes they just don't have a personal criterion of their own. It sounds sad, but sometimes I'd like to be able to do this, in order to not think in some things.
@@fminter yes. The common herd. That's not being snobby. Its a fact isn't it.
I could relate to much of this. I don't necessarily enjoy being a "follower", especially because "leader" types tend to pick on people who are not "cool", they are constantly stealing their energy, they know how to control the group so that they will always look good and one will always look bad. A real leader inspires others to be better, a real leader brings out the best in people, one can still be a leader even if one is not the center of attention, the group as a whole may not follow you, but everyone is still paying attention...
I always had this phenomenon where I would try to join in the conversation and the group will talk OVER me, like I didn’t exist, like I wasn’t there. And I wouldn’t accept this. I would repeat myself at full volume. Unable to ignore me any longer, I then became the lunatic, sitting in a circle of people in the break room screaming my ideas and contributions to the group so nobody gets to ignore me. And instead of being acknowledged as a contributing human being, I’m now considered a weird lunatic who ASSAULTS people with my thoughts and ideas.
Now I don’t even work anymore.
In a shellnut: Aspies *tend to make good Advisors to the leader.
That's typically my position. And when shit goes south I step in and save the day, then right back into the shadows. Like Batman I guess, LOL!
I can be a leader, but only because I use my psychological knowledge to know and do what a leader does.
Being a leader is not something I like, I don't want to be a leader.
Now being an advisor, having influence but not being in the limelight is more my thing.
The problem is that I'm jealous of the social recognition the leader earns with my ideas while I'm craving for that social recognition all my life.
Sometimes the leader even throws me under the bus after having harvested my ideas, it makes me very bitter and mistrusting towards people.
Nutshell?
Aspies can be the puppet masters
Outward Bound School, January 1967, northern Scotland on the old Commando Training Ground north of Ft. William. Instructor delegates me to be in charge of the group to get us to the top of a mountain where there is a wee pressie (a box of 10 bars of chocolate) waiting for the first group to get there (2 groups). I do the map and compass thing, risk assessment, choose the fastest route with the minimal risk. The group decides not to follow. Instructor lets them choose their own route. I go my way - they go theirs. 2 hours later both groups arrive at the top to find me waiting with the chocolate tucked safely into my rucksack. No sharing, not liked, don't care. Failed at leadership but survival skills par excellance! People always seemed to think I'd make a good leader -was never the case - clear, focussed plan on acheiving the objective and if you can't carry your own water it's your problem. But if your skills are essential to "our" survival that's a different story. Guess which part of my Aspie test I got very low scores on?
People do not follow my train of thought. They don't understand my concern for efficient work. And exactly it! My ideas never work because no one follows them.
I am in a similar situation as people in my place of employment do not respect my input as much as i think they should. It sounds like you are also in the wrong environment and need to find new people who will listen and consider what you have to say.
I am lazy because I am efficient. Why spend 2 hours doing the work I can do in one?
@@gusbellamy1490 Companies that do not listen sooner or later will lag behind in the market. You will say "I told you so".
I've had a number of people claim I'm just hoarding useless stuff and need to get rid of things.
Things like steel, aluminium, perspex, glass, wood and other materials, are all just rubbish to others.
Meanwhile I've spent thousands of dollars purchasing stock because I fabricate a bunch of equipment for my own use.
Funny how those claiming I'm hoarding, will not ask my help but demand I use my own personal materials to fix all sorts of things for them.
I'm so fed up with this bull crap, uncaring, ungrateful, unappreciative, entitlement in general society.
They will stand there watching me use materials to fix things for them, then still tell me I have to much junk.
It's as if nobody has ever stepped outside and seen how a domestic fabrication workshop is laid out.
I'm now 54 and the more I'm exposed to general society, the more I'm glad I'm not just another programmed drone.
A motto i started living by "you can lead a horse to water, but if it just acts like a stubborn mule, then let it drown".
The longer I live, the less compassion I have for people that can't think for themselves, then develop a herd (hive) mentality, looking for that wolf (criminal s) in sheep's clothing, but can't see that the shepherd (government) trades in meat and wool.
I'm also annoyed at the constant misrepresentation of autistic people, when documentaries always portray us as needing help to function in daily life.
That group of people exists across all walks of life not just autistic people.
However we're painted as being a sub standard "thing" being a sponge in society.
Yet we're the types that get into technical fields for work and are often the people that the dumb majority, seek out to get things sorted and fixed.
Innovators, visionaries, forward-thinkers, etc. What you described here has been the story of my life.
That explains most of my life. I was reading encyclopedias by age 4 because they interested me. But in school my primary school teachers told my parents that I was probably retarded. No... I was bored and disinterested in what they had to say.
Ditto. But my teacher was afraid of me in first class. I often skipped class to be with my peers, which was out in real life with grown ups.
Whew! I am not alone!
I loved my encyclopaedias, which became rather dogeared (happy days!) I also have myoclonic dystonia and couldn't walk properly until I was 5, my mother fought for me to go to a normal school with the other kids for which I owe a debt I can never repay! Even though I spent primary school gazing out of the window, and rarely if ever did any homework during the 14 years I attended school. Not surprisingly I never got what one might call a "good" school report. I did enjoy reading computer science at Uni though......
Yep! I have been able to read faster than all my peers and learned very quickly and could read more complicated material for comprehension by 1st or 2nd grade. With that said, I've had Cs and Ds in English my whole life due to not wanting to read their stories or do monotonous English work. My dad insisted if I can't read then I may as well be a laborer, where I was forced to do exhaustive exercise all day when I was 12. Needless to say, I started getting straight As in English but still Bs and Cs in Reading because damn those stories!
I was very disruptive in class but could talk in depth about any subject one on one with any teacher out of class.
"Have an incredible idea and share it and nothing happens" - yeah, story of my life.
That is the story of "Battletech fan" youtube channel. Battletech fan finds an artist to make a good tabletop game tutorial for a game called "Battletech a game of armored combat". It is like chess with math to play giant robot combat. Battletech fan made it without voice to not distract people. And it also allows you to get the information at your own pace.
I stopped being outspoken about my more radical ideas at work, because nothing significant ever got done. So I decided to mostly keep my mouth shut, and only drop a hint here and there. I could wait for weeks or months for somebody else to reach the conclusions that I was envisioning. Then I jumped in and said, "Yes, that sounds like a great idea, shall we do that?" Efficiency soared, relatively speaking.
@@Hagledesperado The only "radical idea" at work is "continuous improvement" a term coined by Toyota in the 1980s.
Me in every math class I had until college
@@shadowfox933 Problem is people are more concerned about gossip instead of improving.
This happens to me ALL THE TIME. The solution I found was to build a very strong technical skill and combine it with my natural ability to innovate. My most successful job was as the "chief innovation officer" of a big team. Learn to code, and you can code your innovation. People will love it when they see the demo.
Looking back I remember this in school, I would always have answers to questions and ideas that were good but would never be heard. Eventually my outgoing friend picked up on this and asked me why i never contribute and i explained. After that we developed a dynamic where I'd have these answers, but he'd contribute them to the class.
Whenever we'd have group tasks we'd do really well because we naturally worked in this dynamic.
I've since tried to apply it to any working environment im in.
Hard to have that confidence when people never listen - despite months later everything you say being integrated into the culture with no one knows its origin.
I've even gone so far as repeating what a leader says before everyone else hears it. I usually am attacked or ignored.
Jan: But I just said that...
Cindy: Oh Jaaaan..
So true!
Lol
It reminds me of a Super villain with a henchman who has an idea. The henchman says a brilliant idea and then the Super villain immediately suggests the exact thing that his henchman just said without acknowledging him.
I wonder if our tendency to ignore non-explicited taught social norms may be part of why autistics are so quick to look at new ideas. We're not mired in the traditional or expected in the same way many typical people are; we see potential and grasp ideas for what they are without so much weighting them down. This throwing off of the norm allows us to escape the box most people are unknowingly trapped in.
That is how I see it; we are far less constrained by socially-propagated expectations and norms, and correspondingly far more attuned to fresh empirical observation in a perceiving-outside-the-box kind of way.
Or everything's just actually boring and it will melt our brains if we didn't find something that is unique and innovative.
I think that's part of it, for sure! We also tend to perseverate and can hyperfocus on our interests too...which also helps.
I literally just had a conversation with one of my managers last night that i think I am just not meant for leadership. I told them I feel like I’m a great team player, always willing to work towards whatever goal is in front of me and will execute to the best of my ability (sometimes physical and mental limitations have a negative affect, but I’m always willing to try) but if you ask me to take responsibility and lead a team I will inevitably walk out of the job. It happened once and I learned that about myself very very quickly (2 months). I just appreciate that this video popped up a day after I actually put this into words without knowing the depth of where that came from.
I experience this definitely. I come up with ideas and notice things that no-one else can see. I noticed something in a presentation a few weeks ago where someone contradicted what he had said in a previous presentation. I shared this insight to be met with a wall of silence. 2 weeks later, I was talking 1-1 with someone who was in the audience for my original comment. His reaction was as if he was hearing it for the first time. He mentioned it the next day and had a reaction of "wow, how did you notice that?" As usually happens, he didn't acknowledge it was my idea , I wonder whether he even remembered at that point where the idea had come from? Because the idea came from a source which he couldn't, kind of, slot in to the social hierarchy, was the source information tagged to the idea missing?
So this means if we are not seen we won’t be heard, either? As if there wasn’t a space designated for us in the perception grid…
More or less as if THEY were the autistic ones, the ones with attention and perception-processing deficits 🤭🤭
And if you call out the fact that it was your idea people treat you like you are being a jerk and have a big ego or something. We just can't win LOL!
You literally just described something that I have never understood in my life, and have cried countless hours over not understanding. How can people act like they never heard me speak, and 5 minutes later claim it as there own, and even scold me for not thinking as clearly as them? I don't know if I'm autistic. Found your channel trying to figure out why I'm so different.
Yeah pretty familiar to me. If anyone asks I just tell them there's no point in my bothering.
It's relatively simple. Your voice lacks emotional layer, because you are unable to perceive it. You can't speak well if you're deaf, likewise you can't properly use the emotional layer if you can't perceive it. And for neurotypical people this layer is at least as important as letter formulation itself. So they don't claim your words as their own (or at least they don't feel this way) - you feel this way because you don't see that what they said contains an emotional layer that your communique lacked. To them it's an entirely different communique, even if on purely logical layer it's 1:1 the same.
I like to compare this phenomena to how Turusch va Sh'daar organisms in "Star Carrier" novel by Ian Douglas communicate - they are always in pairs. One communicates something (and it is valid), another communicates something at the same time (and it is valid too) - but it is valid to us, ie these communiques can be translated coherently, so at the beginning this was what we thought they were actually "saying". But we were wrong. To them, both of their communiques' waves interfere with each other, and the result of that interference is the actual communique they mean. If you don't have both communiques, you'll never know what the pair meant. Now think about that vocal layer and emotional layer again ;)
Same :/
It sucks so much. "Thankfully" it didn't happen to me in a while; though that's mostly because I'm not quite sociable and when I do talk to a group of people, I try to be invisible, because otherwise, I'd just experience this and similar stuff.
@@NaqrSeranvis so, what you are saying is "normal" people feel like they are saying something different, even if they said what I said word for word, just in a more exciting tone? Sounds like a degenerative nature to me...
@@R3AL-AIM Sort of. They hear the words. And they understand them. And if you asked them what you just said, they'd perfectly mimic that. But they don't feel your words. They're not interesting for their brains. It's like:
Anthony (an autistic guy) says: "Let's play"
Mike (a neurotypical guy) says: "Let's play"
Anthony's brain: "I suggested that *we* play and Mike just said the same thing"
Brains of people around: "Anthony said 'let's play', Mike suggested that *we* play"
Generally, through experience Anthony learned that 'let's play' is an invitation for some fun together. Always. If he for example heard Tommy say:
" _And then he said_ let's play" (he didn't hear the words in italic), he would assume Tommy is suggesting playing together. A neurotypical person having heard the same part would not know what Tommy really meant but would be pretty certain he didn't suggest playing *and* also that it was a part of a longer communique that they didn't hear entirely.
The examples above are, however, oversimplifications.
It is also possible that neurotypical peoples' brains subconsciously consider the lack of this layer a kind of _faux pas_ and are 'intentionally' ignoring it until Anthony 'speaks properly' (without said people being consciously aware of the process), or somebody more empathetic just notices his emotions and resays a communique with the layer. But since we are talking about something one would not even be aware of, this is just guesswork.
Can't be certain though, how does it work on neurological level. That's just conclusions from some of my observations coupled with hours upon hours of duscussing this topic with psychologists and friends.
Yes..,how many times have I said “it feels like your all thinking in slow motion.,,how can you all not see where this or that is going..??”
This resonates so much. It hurts how much. I've been right so many unnoticed times.
the first point about suggestions has happened to me a lot, including at work. I am used to it and don't really care. What bothers me is when people forget some of the good suggestions I have made (or good things I have done), but then will really come down on me hard (harder then other people) for small infractions or comments (I am not talking about egregious/ignorant comments that you hear in the news where people get fired from their jobs immediately), but sometimes people will hold onto small things I have said or done they didn't like for a very long time (years even) and hold it against me, its like being in the 'dog house', and now matter what you do, you never get out. When I do have good ideas/suggestions, what I am guilty of is, I am very bad at timing and messaging. There is a time, place and method to bring up suggestions (and since I don't always think quickly in the moment, like in a meeting, its like people think I am either ignorant as to what is going on, or I don't care) these are issues that I have always struggled with and it has had a severe negative impact on my job/career situation. I have never been fired from a job, but I have been laid off quite a few times, and it often because of the reasons I describe above, they will just say something like "square peg, round hole", I am most own worst enemy, or we are downsizing due to 'business reasons' and need to let you go (but they keep other employees who have done egregious things and gotten away with it), and when i check back a year later they have hired other people to fill roles covering the job responsibilities I held.
Happens at work lots and people wonder why I'm quiet during meetings. Feels good having an explanation why my suggestions fall flat only to be picked up later by leaders.
I have had it happen as well. It is downright intellectual theft. Aspies are commonly victims of the latter.
I've just stopped talking
Brainstorming - the intention is to explore even the dumbest ideas to trigger a workable solution.
But nope, keep your gob shut. You'll be shot down in flames.
@@zxbn4566 There's a guy on my Facebook friend list who watches & steals my concepts, he even steals my talking points and wordplay. He pretends as if he doesn't and people like his stuff but don't like mines, as if they don't already know that it originally came from me.
@@nomonkeysallowed511 sounds like you want revenge instead of wanting to become more sociable and friendly. No doubt it's intellectual theft, but even if you proved it to them, they'd still be his friends at the end of the day, because you were never friends with his friends to begin with. Get your own.
I really don't prefer to be a leader, but what I prefer to do is to be a lowkey hand of the leader and tell him how I see the situation. So basically, it looks like people listen to a leader and a leader listen to me 👁👄👁
You are a navigator. That's badass.
Thanks for making this buddy, myself, I am neither a leader nor a follower, I sit rite on the fence, but It is very frustrating when I don't get heard, to the point where I have had small mental breakdowns, watching videos like this makes me feel that I am actually not alone, Thank you.
I completely understand. You're not alone, buddy.
What a great video, this sums up my experience perfectly. I loved the sign off with "bad luck, you've already watched the video" 🤣
I'm going to be honest, every word you said resonated in myself.
Dang u are a blue unicorn
Weirdly, I do find that I have the capacity to lead if everyone else is being indecisive and I recognise that I'm the only person willing to cut through the bullshit and make a quick decision and live with what happens after. This has actually been a really empowering experience as it gives me the confidence, and awareness, to know when I have the right to lead. Naturally in a group, there will be people who will just listen to the person who makes the most concrete decision.
Oh my goodness, yes! You just put words to my experiences perfectly. When I'm sitting there trying to shrink into the background even though I know exactly what needs to be done, a switch will suddenly flip as I realize no one else is stepping up because they are completely lost. Then it's like, "Oh fine, I'll do it!"
@@annaleefuerstenau4286 I second this.
This. So much this!
100%. I think people with autism can be natural born leaders for this reason. We cut through the BS. People look to my opinion often because they know I’m that way. I don’t get emotional in a leadership scenario. I don’t doubt having adhd also certainly helps as adhd tends to significantly tame the social awkwardness side of autism.
Literally, some people are too socially anxious and even though I prefer not to be the crowd facing person (phrasing, reading a room, etc is hard for me) I'll easily take one for the team. I also can step back and let someone else take the reigns if it's their baby. Really np bog deal with me. I'm personally the "encourage (one or two people at a time) people to see a new perspective or go out of their comfort zone and eventually will just ignore what people think if I see something as the right thing to do.
This video really confirmed in my heart that I just need to be Me. So, this really resonated with me. Makes me want to act on my ideas, instead of bury them and kill them myself with the ghosts of the past saying, "No, that's dumb."
Thank you!
ive noticed this more in adulthood. I was the "nerd" of my classes so people just assumed anything i said was a smart conclusion, so alot of people listened to me in school, but as an adult no one sheepishly assumes im smarter than everyone, which is good because i got annoyed with it alot, but now most of my genuine attempts get ignored because im autistic. Even my family ignores my input alot.
I’m a natural born solo flyer. I am just learning this about myself. I almost can’t follow the flow.
Yes, me too. If I'm out in a group (doesn't happen now but it used to sometimes) I'm the one who wanders off exploring on their own or deviating from the others in some way. I find much cooler stuff that way, both metaphorically or actually. :)
@Damian Lopez Hi Damian! It is good to be a solo flyer, but it is also lonely. I’m glad you like the three crosses! God bless you, too brother!
@@DevonExplorer i do the same thing! I went on a study abroad to France and used to get into trouble for giving the group the slip, but while they were busy partying constantly, I went to museums and châteaux and all sorts of interesting places! I was far more interesting than the teacher! Lol. To think that I got a B for not being part of the group but am the one with the highest marks in my French class, i dont think people understand Aspies nor do they appreciate us.
Exactly
His New Life Yes like I Need to be separate from others in groups.
Sometimes looking at people in the eyes physically hurts. Like, there Heads start getting bigger?? And the pain starts in the center of my literal eye, this happened to me for the first time when I was 7, my father the culprit. It was scary, especially since I didn’t know why or what was happening.- sorry I’m on my moms account
I grew up in an social culture with numerous narcissists. It's probably not a good idea to try to fit in when the social system is toxic.
Except wester society rewards toxic behaviour.
In 1950 all the personal traits we now consider bad were considered nesessary.
I don't know how it is where you live but in everyplace I've ever worked the kids who were bullies in school get promoted
middle Tennessee?
@@seanfaherty this is the nature of capitalism. Garbage in, garbage out. People who lead represent the average intelligence of the people they lead. If we promoted smart people we might all learn that capitalism is terrible and overthrow it. Can't have that.
@@seanfaherty I agree, I remember seeing the graduates in my highschool who became cops, all of them had put their hands on me at one point or another, all narcisists and bullies. As for bosses up to the mid 2000 at least narcisists were seen highly as bosses by society despite how poorly they screwed clients, colleagues and employees. Anyone judged too "soft" was quickly put out of business.
@@plantstho6599 but we as a society don't want to be led by the smartest person. That person tends to be too uncertain, not confident enough.
Instead we choose the cool kids who make belittling comments behind the smart guys back. The guy who optimistically says "it will all work out" while it crashes down around them and then implements a plan . Even if it's a stupid plan people will get behind it .
The whole while , they shit on the smart guy's plan whilst while blindly following the stupid plan with confidence.
If that isn't humanity is at least Western Civilization
I sooo feel this... I don't feel like I'm an innovator or have great ideas or am ahead of anything, but I've had this sort of thing happen to me at work, many times. One of my coworkers is having a problem/issue or something. I'll figure out the solution quickly and tell them... and get ignored/dismissed. Several hours later, one of the others will say THE EXACT THING I SAID hours earlier, and everyone will be like OMG YOU'RE SO SMART! Thanks for the answer... meanwhile, I'm sitting quietly at my desk feeling quite upset and annoyed that I again knew the answer and no one listened... again, someone else was so smart and great for figuring it out. It also annoys me that they'll spend hours working on finding an answer for something that they would have had to spend, if they had just listened to me. What do I know? I'm just the little part-time person who's the youngest one in the office. I know nothing...
I was raised as a Fifties kid in the Sixties. I have been an observer of people since I was very young. I always got on with adults better than my peers. In the Age of Doing Your Own Thing, I found you could do "your Own Thing" if it was close to the Thing of those around you. I was raised in an emotionally violent family. This raised the threshold defining what is important to a very high level. Important becomes, "Is this emotionally or physically dangerous? " As an Aspie I focused on avoiding the Dangerous stuff, including the toxic tension in my home life.Mundane stuff like housekeeping got no priority . Now I have to fight the old habits, I run Linux, and have found a small group of friends who enjoy it too. Computers have been a major stress outlet for me. I have always found small communities to join for the support they gave. This video explains so much of my history and my disconnection from the geographically local community. Many thanks for you help
Holy crap!!! This is my EXACT life experience. In fact, I blew up a whole blog/podcast/ebook series I had created because it felt like no one cared!
And then I’d see someone else share a similar idea and people would exclaim how brilliant and caring that person was. And I’m like: “Hello! Been saying that for a while over here. I care, too, you know!!” 🤯
❤❤❤ omg story of my life thank you for posting this! How do you get income? I’m not finding the groove that generates income.
Yeah I have observed this with myself and my mother a lot. Just recently my mother invented a new way to do what appears to be patchwork crochet squares in rows without having to do any joins when switching between colors. Crochet is a special interest we share. She was able to explain it to me and I thought it was great. When she tries to explain it to anyone else, they look at her like she's nuts and say it can't be done. Then they proceed to look for the joins that don't exist. Sigh. It will probably be the next crochet trend 20 yrs. from now.
That is wonderful! I wish I could learn how to do it from your mother. What a great innovation!
If I ever see anyone making this a trend I'm giving full credit to your mom! That honestly sounds like a really cool Idea and could definitely be done. Anything's possible if you try it^^
My grandma loves to crochet, how would I explain this method to her?
Awesome!
Show it in a CZcams video :-)
I appreciate it when someone repeats my ideas or even jokes so that everyone will hear and acknowledge them. I did the same whenever someone said something that wasn’t given the acknowledgment I thought it deserved. But then someone criticized me for “stealing” someone’s joke. Wait, I thought I was helping by amplifying their voice! That’s when I realized that people are more interested in the person talking than about the merit of what they’re saying, and they want credit for their ideas more than to see them come to fruition.
Man! Thank you! I got the answere for a question somebody asked me 7 years before - and I couldn't figure it out. It was on a workplace coworker developement event. I constantly told the good answeres to different quiz or puzzle questions but nobody listened. I even solved a puzzle right in the beginning that nobody solved until the end. The couch asked if I already knew this puzzle. (Of corse I didn't - my brain just works differently.) At a point the couch asked me: Why is that, that I tell the right answeres but nobody listen to me? Since that time I was thinking on this. Why am I invisible? Now I got the answere! My coworkers saw me as the weirdo guy. "Why should we listen to him?"... Thank You Paul so much!
I call this phenomenon my Cassandra Effect. After the priestess of Apollo who prophesied accurately but was cursed to be disbelieved. Comic tragedy of my life.
Yep, Cassandra def was autistic.
I read that Apollo gave Cassandra the gift of prophecy when he was wooing her. Because she still rejected his advances, he added the caveat that no one would believe her.
I used the pen name "Cassandra" for a column I used to write. Black humour.
Well ive had some shitty ideas too
Me too.
Good name!
Almost 30 years ago, when I went to school, at my biology class, I've had several theories about diseases, cells, genetics etc. and got laughed at..now, several of my old theories really became medical facts! So, I've been a visionary, an innovator all my life..the problem is: no one will listen to me as I don't have any diploma qualifying me as a "specialist"..
Matsya Roshan I feel similarly, which is why I decided to change careers and pursue medicine and research
This. Seriously. My ideas and thoughts in the areas of psychology and philosophy would shake up the experts. If only i had the platform and or status so people could actually listen to my contributions that I know would give a massive boost in those areas that would save years even decades of human suffering
I'm curious to hear what your examples are.
@@HappinessOrDeath I understand how you feel. I too have contributions to society - mine though are in the medical field. I have two inventions which would benefit people of certain disability however I do not have the monetary means to patent them and even if I could afford to have them patented in the UK then I would definitely not be able to have them patented elsewhere.
Yeah I was trying to sell websites to my town that I would do the HTML coding for and I had businesses telling me, I don't think the internet would help me. It was f@@king hard for me to approach them in the first place, but I was so excited to bring this to them. Ahead of our time hahahahaha! It makes me laugh.
This definitely resonates with me. I'm found myself in positions where I've had to convene a meeting etc, and I always feel that people just aren't really paying attention to me, so desperately try to avoid being in such positions in the first place. I'm far more comfortable being someone's trusty sidekick or ideas person.
Damn, hit real close to home. Diagnosed in my teens. I find what you say is exactly how things happen to me at work. Nobody listens, even when I'm 100% right on something. At least my boss trusts me.
Well this makes ALOT of sense. I remember at one job this was such a problem for me that I made a spreadsheet to track just how long it took for everyone to "catch up" to my ideas and who got the credit for it because it was never me. I even showed it to my boss once and he just shrugged it off. Then I realized that saying it out loud put the ideas in everyone's heads and, after a bit of time for them to float it around in their own humble brains, it would get done.......eventually. In most of my jobs (retired now) I wasn't in a leadership capacity but I was often seen as a leader of sorts because I always had an answer to any problem that cropped up. As a result, people came to me for possible solutions and not the group leader. However, they would modify it to fit their own perspective and when it didn't work they would modify it again...and again...and again until they finally got to the solution I originally proposed. This was my working life. It makes sense now what I went through in my 45 yr career. I know this sounds arrogant but for me it was just reality. Thanks for helping me to understand it.
Yep. Im always the solution person. But never the one getting credit for anything. I have had some leader roles however generally it was more a supervisor/quality assurance style where I was essentially just the best, most reliable and accurate worker so it was my job to make sure others were doing it right.
I actually have been able to used by bull-headedness and stubborness as an incredible asset throughout my life. I've been bullied, but I did learn that on some level if you just fake confidence and people see that you know what you're doing, they just fall in line even if they don't want to admit they're following you. The older I've gotten, the more I've emerged as a leader simply because I don't give two fucks what the neurotypicals think is okay or acceptable. My lack of understanding of social boundaries means I"m willing to say things that a lot of other people aren't, willing to find solutions that other people don't have the balls to pursue, and also incredibly empathetic and able to use that info I get about others in the room to move forward in a way that benefits more people than it would if a normie was running things. Im not saying its like this for everyone, and i dont feel like its natural for me to lead, I'm just saying that I think I've managed to do okay in spite of the issues you've mentioned which i have also experienced.
Thank you! I developed to do the same in my life. I'm not crazy or unique in that approach. I feel so vindicated right now.
Not giving a fuck of what peoples think and do the things that really matters is a great leader trait. I'd rather have that "cold" leader than those flambloyant empathic "leaders" that never get anything done.
69 likes by the posting of this response
What is your just an a$$hole?
Neurotypicals hahahahahahahahahaha. Thanks I've got a new insult handy.
This is a very solid analysis - good work!
I am not autistic, I was a union steward (retired). I have represented autistics in disciplinary proceedings (typically with narcissist supervisors and managers), and it was very, very difficult to get the supervisors to value the autistics, because narcissists have almost no creative impulse and autistics are intensely creative, but the narcissist will accept ideas presented in private so that they can steal the ideas.
I asked the autistic if they needed the job. If not, get another, and quickly. If they do need the job, be willing to sacrifice the credit for the idea in exchange for getting the idea put into practice. Just DOCUMENT your suggestion for your own records!
Your explanation is much better than mine.
Exactly my experience.... I tend to come up with an idea, tell it to everybody.... no one seem to understand the WHOLE "WHY" of it.... Than in the next few months somebody gets a Lightbulb Moment and tells me the exact same thing I just explained few months before, but in their own words. They are delited as they have found a BREAKTROUGH, "They Got It!!" - Everyone agrees and everyone is impressed by the Deep and Innovative Thinking of that person....
And I feel betrayed, again and again, because when I said it, I looked stupid, but now somebody saying it in a more relatable, more digestible way and the are a Genius !!
It is so unfair that everybody is sleeping in their head, and you need to Translate everything you do or say to an Emotional / Animalistic Language so other peoples Subconscious Mind CAN PICK UP ON IT, or otherwise the Information is Not Getting Processed and it is Labeled as Uninportant / NonRelatable / Overwhealming.
SO if you dont convince their Animal/Emotional side that this is VALUABLE, than you dont have Access to their Conscious Mind, which should be essential to Process the information from other perspectives than the Basic "DOES THIS HELP ME WITH SURVIVAL IN THE SHORT TERM ?"
This is the Default Filter being used in the day to day life. To select which topic Deserves our Attention... which is sooooooooooooo Instinctual, sooo Emotional, an Subconstions Led Behavior, which Filters out sooo many good things that are not Naturally Digestible or Relatable to our Subconstious / Animalistic Side.. But could lead to a better quality of life in the Long Run ( not compatible with the Basic Short Term Thinking)
When i was a teen, i always had to see the movie the group wanted to see. I was a good sport many times. On the few occasions I insisted on one movie, everyone went to the other movie without me.
Bro yes! I walked out of “The Time Traveler’s Wife” to go see “Inglorious Basterds” in another screen, leaving all my friends in the other screen because no one wanted to se my suggested movie. No regrets
I've had "friends" well into middle-aged adulthood, who consistently did this with restaurants, live music, and such. They'd always insist that I come with them to whatever mediocre thing they're doing. But _every_ _time_ I suggested anything or invited them somewhere, they'd make mealy-mouthed excuses about how they were sorta planning to go somewhere else and automatically assume I'd want to abandon my own plans to join them. Got tired of such oblivious, inconsiderate, self-absorbed people (and they considered _me_ to be the socially retarded one). I've distilled my friendships down to fewer, more genuine people, and I feel much better _without_ a pseudo-tribe that has to do everything in a mindless herd.
I usually went to movies alone, and was really excited when home theater became a thing.
@@pterafirma I can certaintly relate to this one, I've had exactly the same thing with friends, and would honestly rather have no friends than friends like this now, it damaged my mental health.
30 years ago I said we should start a pet insurance company because I noticed when people started treating their dogs like humans. I was looked at like that was the most stupid idea ever! Well.
Unwrapped By Brenda I had this same idea. Also to start a service to deliver food from convenience stores to people at their homes. Also a lot of other things. If only I ever had startup capitol I could be ridiculously successful.
OMG your explanation of what's going on socially in your example finally made so much sense of my life! I have never understood what is actually going wrong. To me that's just a black box where I suggest the thing on one side, something unknown happens, aaaaaand out pops the other end: I'm ignored. Here I thought I just wasn't communicating my idea correctly and so I would try harder, dumb it down, explain more, and still nothing. Knowing it has nothing to do with the idea and everything to do with my place outside (not even on the bottom) of the social hierarchy is going to save me so much time and effort. Urg, the amount of times I've seen fads come and go after first being rejected when the idea came from me... this makes so much sense!
I could never understand why ideas I'd had rejected suddenly become a fad because if I'm so different they can't side with me then how is it I have so much in common with current trends, to the point where I could be called the heinous insult of being 'basic'. Like I was into polyamoury and prepping and tiny houses back when these were fringe things (and in every case I started doing them long before hearing about them, long before they were called that - it was pre-internet times - and caught huge 'you're an effed up weirdo' vibes for so much as suggesting them)and now everyone is interested in them.
This innovative thinking, it's because of our enhanced pattern-seeking behavior, isn't it? That and our ignorance of our place outside the hierarchy makes us obtuse to the social danger of thinking things the herd isn't.
One thing I've noticed is that I *am* a natural leader - but only when the groups I'm leading have a significant non-normative population. Not just other autistic people (although definitely them), but more broadly anything different from mainstream standards. When the spaces I'm in are very normative my experiences match what you described here. But I have cultivated my life so that I spend a lot of time in spaces that have a high population of people who are different in one way or another - neurodivergent, queer, politically radical, very highly educated, something. Not 100% of the people, but 30-80% often. And in those spaces, there are enough people who are less concerned with wanting to do what other people do, and so my skills at oration and breaking down a problem allow me to get my ideas across and that's often sufficient to put me into a leadership role.
Interestingly, I also tend to be quite good at leadership when I already have a formal position of authority. I'm a teacher, and I find that I'm often as good or better than my peers at maintaining student respect and buy-in. I think that in that setting, where I am very clearly not intended to be "part of the group", they are less concerned with how well I fit in. Rather, the fact that I tend to carefully explain why I want them to do each thing I ask them to do rather than just demanding obedience seems to earn me a fair amount of goodwill.
I’ve always struggled to explain to people that I’m an innovator, and less of an implementer/executor. That’s why I find great people to have around me that I can delegate to and that can implement and execute my ideas, so I can keep working on more ideas. I’ve newly discovered I’m on the spectrum and this makes so much sense and explains so much of my frustration at others inability to see past their own noses and into the future- something that comes easier to me it seems. Thank you for this perspective!
Can you help me
That almost seems like me, but my problem is that I don't like to share my ideas until I've fully planned it out. Essentially, I won't explain what I've planned until it's halfway completed
Are you also an atheist?
Yup I'm the same. Pretty much exactly. Except I rarely find myself in the position to accomplish that.
"Yeah, I do need your help but if you can't do that because you don't understand my process, the method of my madness then please get out of my way", have I said a thousand times. Finally, I am beginning to understand myself. It is a good feeling. Thank you, sir.
So if someone offers you their help, there is a big chance that you will tell them to get out of your way? I'd suggest you to mellow down a bit because that is straight up rude as hell, on your part.
Don't ask for help if you get pissed at people who are trying to help you. They're not mind readers. They can't know what you want. This is like when you ask someone who has never cook anything in their life to help you make a fancy meal and get angry when they burn it because they're not a chef like you.
Take a "Train the trainer" course. You still get frustrated, but you learn how to organize your thoughts and communicate better
Jesus, people are so judgmental! Talk about someone being rude - that's what most of these replies are.
I totally get this, because what has happened to me is that people who want to "help" don't really want to help me. They want credit for being helpful, but they plow through doing things with no regard to what you were actually trying to accomplish, which creates a different, unwanted result. So, unless they are on board with the process and method, they aren't actually helping at all. I will end up having to undo most of what they did. If it's even possible to undo - they might have completely ruined something.
This kind of "help" is a bullshit way for another person to give themselves a pat on the back for being a "good" person. It wasn't about helping you meet your needs, it was completely self-serving.
If you haven't had a lifetime full of that kind of condescending and abusive treatment, that's great for you. But be mindful that telling people that they should just be thankful for whatever help they get, is condescending and abusive in and of itself.
I appreciate this explanation so much! This has always happened to me and I was clueless as to why. It's still frustrating and annoying, but it definitely helps to understand why.
I've witnessed this happening to an old friend of mine. The group was brainstorming ideas for motivating people, something along those lines. They suggested an idea, and it was rejected. When someone else suggested that very same idea, the whole group accepted the idea and ran with it.
It's like when I ask coworkers to meet up or friends to go to to the cinema.. Most people just won't respond at all. 😅 I just don't understand how people make friends or intensify their friendships.
From what I observe others are just "wasting" their time by sitting together for hours and doing "nothing" apart from talking or eating or something... and suddenly they're friends. For me that has never worked since childhood.
The only situation people are listening to me is when I'm acting as an authority.. either as the older person towards children, or in my job when I'm socially backed up by a company.
Anyways, good video!
I feel identified.
I often find the same problem. Either there is no response at all, or one person says they can't come, then more people will say the same. Then sometimes somebody realises they can come after all, and other people then miraculously decide find they can make it too. Asking people on an individual basis tends to have a better success rate, or at least those who do respond then give a better response.
@@SamuelHill94 I feel the same. This disease is really tough. I learnt to be happy by myself.
"It's like when I ask coworkers to meet up or friends to go to to the cinema.. Most people just won't respond at all." Omg, THIS.
As soon as I start talking someone else talks over me and I just fade out like I'm not even there.
That is rude. If that happens at work talk tp your manager.
An eye-opener. It used to make me bitter that my suggestions would just go ignored but this explains so much. Thank you.
This is something I can really relate to. On a professional basis, I am very good at identifying what is wrong, and what needs to be put in place to fix it, or what is needed to make an improvement.
What I find difficult is seeing the project through start to finish, writing the business case,all the documentation, planning, tasks and dealing with other people as they put in requests during a build, or things that aren't quite right.
The twos and fros of a project with project managers.
What started of as a way for me to make something better, ends up something I lead, and feeling like an out of control rollercoaster until the original idea was complete.
If it stayed as my idea, and someone built it for me... Now that would be good.
I've found the trick to be telling someone about an idea when you're not in a group, as it stops group dynamics from interfering with their thought process.
I think this is why i cope better with single persons instead of groups
@@sKTkCThe same conclusion came to my mind, too.
It’s a good idea to share an idea one-on-one first regardless of who you are. It’s better to get feedback in a small setting in case there are serious flaws or challenges in your ideas. Plus there may be some rough edges to how you explain it that could use a little polishing. That way you don’t fall flat in front of a group which is much worse.
Yep in its them individually
Good advice!
Several times in my various careers, I've been promoted up to supervisory or middle management positions or urged to take a job in middle management, and if I've agreed to it, it's been disastrous. If I don't agree to it, people don't understand why. Thank you for posting.
Me too! I have finally learned that I should be "the power BEHIND the throne". I seem to do well behind the scenes making things work for the leader.
When I was new in my job people wanted a roof for the parking lot, and the leaders wanted the put some solar panels instead, I stood up for a few seconds in a meeting suggesting maybe we can use the solar panels as a roof for the parking lot. Nobody said anything, 5 years later we have solar panels for a parking roof.
I needed this
For a long time
I’m crying out of comfort, and this is new.