The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy by Esther Perel & Alain de Botton | Founders Forum
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- čas přidán 20. 10. 2015
- Founders Forum London 2015 Keynote
Speakers: Esther Perel (Psychologist & Author) and Alain de Botton (Philosopher & Writer)
We want nothing more than to commit to someone for life. But with time, many of us face the challenge of reconciling our dual needs for security and adventure. In a world with internet porn, Tinder, Snapchat and Ashley Madison, how to reconcile the conflict?
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what two of my favorite minds together?????? i'm done!
my thoughts exactly!!
Cecile Pham they have a session together again in London in this June. :)
Hi, could you let us know a bit more about it? Tks!
I know right!
Him??
One thing that I really like and appreciate about Alain de Botton is that he talks about what he believes that we should do.
Esther's answer at the end is fantastic. A large part of the romantic love of relationships in their early stages is having overcome the preceding phase of uncertainty, frought as it is with the anxiety of whether that initial infatuation will actually lead anywhere, an indication of self-doubt as to our worthiness. Implicit in your desire is the value that you place in that person, and in acknowledging openly their own reciprocal desire, that value is reflected back at you.
Essentially, you're involvded in a symbiotic performance of the wicked queen and magic mirror, assuming both roles simultaneously.
Alain is just a superbly LOGICAL VERY VERY WELL EDUCATED AND READ phylosopher who MAKES TOTAL SENSE in his way of thinking. SIMPLE!!
I am floored! Esther was dropping wisdom bombs left right and center! Amazing talk!
Esther just owned this. Alain please stop interrupting her. Notice sshe only interrupted him when he was stuck and couldn't come up with an answer.
People need to keep life simple, the more busy our life is the more we hate our partners. Turn it around, stop pleasing work and superficial friendship then you will desire each other.
Easier said then done when you've got to work all hours just to keep a roof over your head.
Esther your work is revolutionizing modern relationships! Thank you for your work.
Dreadful audio, inspite of that Esther's input here was up to her usual standard of amazing! She is always on point, hugely relevent, well researched and articulate. I glean little, new nuggets of information during every talk or presentation. I find her message hugely relatable and ultimately a very positive one.
@indigoBlue you said exactly what I wanted to say about this gorgeous lady in a much better way than I would have. I agree to each of your points about her.
Shes such a gripping speaker, i love what shes saying. Very thought provoking.
ZD H I agree. I've spent the last few days listening to her talks. I've learned a great deal and feel so empowered!
ZD H h
She was like a ball of energy at the start - just waiting for the introduction to end, and get deep in to it... Great talk, thanks for sharing
Just my favorite collab in the world. OMG
The most two interesting people in one lecture...really enjoyed it
Dream come true, these two working together!
I just love this woman, have learned so much and helped so many more because of her...
❤️🔥🌴
Great messages, nice discussion.
Thanks for this... Two of my favorite people
Two people I most admire in the world!
Omg these two together... great minds and wisdom
Beautiful! Compassionate and kind both
great minds, poor audio recording
🤭
My favorite two writers
Great combination of speakers. :) Interesting subject.
great debate! 2 amazing minds
My two favorites!!!
I love and admire both of them but I have to admit it was a little annoying to see Alain interrupting Esther so many times.
I love both Alain and Esther, but it was SO uncomfortable to watch Alain interrupt Esther's train of thought so many times! :(
Exactly my thoughts
I thought it was the other way around, but I like them both, and they were equally caught up in the conversation, as was I.
Minute 10:50 - great question Alain!
Two or my favourite people in the field.
16:30 ,,Transgression is essential to us because we like to break rules! Because when ever do you feel like you're doing what you want then when youre doing what youre not supposed to - thats the ultimate Freedom - thats what all enterpreneurs understand"
26:46
I do not agree with Esther's assertion, it's only in the potential loss of the person that you are able to do the necessary work to keep the relationship thriving. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. In knowing that a person is not going to leave, then there is recognition that I must make this relationship all that it can be. We work hard to please our parents even when we are confident they will not leave. This type of love is secure and allows for sustainable, long term love. Fear of the end may keep people together, but I pose this question, "Is it really love if we're only together because we're afraid to lose each other?"
noezwayout76 your end question is the beginning precipice of what love is meant to be something that is meant to encounter and address fear tribulations one partner being up another partner being down. One or both Partners lusting after someone else potentially. A married or committed relationship overtime is meant to encounter or endure these things. Between Alain & Esther they're both trying to get at the psychology or philosophy of how one might manage /deal or respond when they are in this situation
Great point of view
Alain and Esther are awesome together. Can the CZcams owner normalize the audio so we can hear them better?
two of the most interesting people to me right now on the surface of public talks
Kitti yeah i was hyped too
I love Esther
Love these two, especially Esther. Such a shame about the poor sound quality. But it was still great to watch nonetheless.
I get so distracted by Alain's foot on the chair
Lol
Same here
Yeah :)) one of his imperfections as a human being!
Yes so un-British! Very disappointing
Sounds like a personal problem, didn't bother me 😛
Me too 😂😂
I LOVE these two! So glad they've shared a stage...But yeah, totally shitty audio :-/
Simply awesome! No words! My hubby is having an emotional affair and I know and he denies! Deflection! Deflection! Deflection!
Some decisions need to be made xd
Deflection = Gas Lighting ...
It's a pity the audio is so bad.
GAH MY FAV MENTORS
Exceptional woman!
I always liked what she was saying, like everybody thinks, very thought provoking. However, in her opinion, there are no solutions to catch. Just like Alain said, What should we do?
The god and the goddess of wisdom.
What god of wisdom? He doesn’t even let her finish a sentence. He seems to love his own voice. At least Esther is intelligent and sympathetic enough to give him the full chance to finish his rants.
I agree with one poster, how ideal, to have a chance to see two of my favorite speakers on relationships together. But, this is probably the strangest set I've ever seen. The whole psychology of a dialogue focused on responding to questions is challenged by the physical distance between them. For intrepid, wise, smart people, as they both are, the space becomes an odd "character." Is the space some kind of weird chaperone or arbiter, I don't know, but I'd like to see an encounter face to face. I'm not saying they should engage "erotically," which would also be distracting, but, at least, "emotionally connect." As it is, it looks as if they are afraid of entering each other's personal space.
Christy Sanford There is really a strange "vibe" between them, embodied by this distance.
I think that they are both considered experts in their field and want to keep boundaries between them and therefore their authority.
They are used to having the stage to themselves normally; sharing it with a peer feels threatening I think.
Amazing talk, I just wish Alain wasn't so interruptive.
I generally like Alain de Botton but I feel like he interrupted Esther Perel way too much here
Abril Dink I agree. I like him, too. And he would interrupt her just as she was saying something really important.
Id rather hear him but I mostly agree.
I think he interrupted out of necessity as it takes her a long time to get to the point.
Agreed. Really admire him but there were times he went on and on and she always maintained etiquette. He has a tendency to like being the talker
I agree
I was wondering if they had ever teamed up!
Someone give that woman a microphone!
Bravo on the exceptional content. A like-minded book I read was a milestone in my personal growth. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
western civilization didn't come up with the concept of a Sabbath *roll eyes* so frustrating. I agree with her point however.
Love Esther!
They are both great on their own but not an amazing duo for this topic and this format, I hope nobody is discouraged by their odd body language and somewhat tense behavior together.
poor Alain, wish to hear more from you
Poon Sheungkuen why poor Alain, is there something wrong with him?
Why Alain, why. School of Life is the best!
this makes me want to never date again...
Same here, it's just too much effort to put in
Esther HANDLED this talk!! 🙌
Smile
I put up with 19 miserable years to a abusive husband
Physical mental spiritual emotional abuse and never once did I ever get tempted to cheat !
To run -yes!! To cheat - no! It’s not in me to be a cheater
That's impressive you should be proud of yourself, you took vows and honored them,I hope this person respects that and has remorse for his behaviors and has changed for the better, by realizing that talking the high road is possible and somebody did it for him as much as themselves,
22:44 I think he's right about porn. But what's more fascinating to me is how pple deal with the peculiarities of their relationship & allow variance, if they do
I am not married and if my bestfriend is married why change just tell me that and I'm want you guys to leave me alone....
Omgg them
You need a sound editor: me.
Esther makes it sound like love was only invented in modern times in regards to marriage. I believe many of the same struggles we face in marriage today exist 100 maybe even 1000 years ago.
She sounds so very French (: ... But it was a very interesting video with unexpected insight and perspectives (:
And yet she isn't.
Wow... After 3 years, thank you for resuscitating this comment and providing me with such delightful and useful 'information'.
Wasn't Ashley Madison revealed to be a gigantic scam around this time? 95% of the actual members were men and the "women" were just names, or something like that? So she totally fell for that. Shouldn't she, with all her insights, have known?
Marinus Vesseur You have a point man!
And yet now it is back to a huge user base. So either men are stupid or women are still joining... www.forbes.com/sites/zakdoffman/2019/08/23/ashley-madison-is-back-with-30-million-cheating-spouses-signed-since-the-hack/#4622bf638787
Wow, the audio on this is awful. Great speakers though.
I think the girl is so skilled .. brilliant ! love the debate
She is a woman not a girl
I feel like esther goes wayyyy off subject and just plain doesn't answer Alain's question.
The male speaker seems to be projecting with his questioning
It’s disappointing that you don’t discuss the obvious theme of addictive and compulsive behaviour on “dating” sites. These sites are designed to exploit our pursuit of pleasure and maximize our engagement but it seems like people take each other for granted as a consequence and are consumed by the pursuit of ever better partners.
That man is constantly stopping her
She is the sexiest woman alive, and he is the most emotionally intelligent.
I agree and they are my super heroes!! There are more in my heart's of justice!
Man please let her finish and stop interrupting. She’s explaining brilliant things while the guy is busy thinking what he might ask next.
I can see your point, but try not to let it bother you. He's human and probably excited. Alain de Botton is a great thinker and I'm sure he is just trying to stimulate the conversation as much as he can. Also probably trying to get some spotlight (can you blame him) I can forgive him for that for all his generous teachings he has put forth.
Interesting duo. However, I hate how he says "um" all the time.
In all honesty, I would have had loved this video much more if Alain got to speak more. This woman doesn't have the subtlety and sharpness which ALAIN has. She can't even make her points properly and I totally liked when Alain interrupted her when she was going off-the-point!
I agree.
She doesn't have an opinion about what a person ought to do with their temptation? Wtf?! I wonder if she'd say the same if her own husband were thinking of having an affair. And Alain didn't even answer the questions he got. It's extremely disturbing that neither admits that allowing fantasies to ramble in the head causes a huge amount of trouble, often leading to physically carrying out the fantasy. They talk about affairs as though it's something we should normalize. I'm sorry but if you're a principled person, it's really not that hard NOT to have an affair. Millions of couples in every era of human history have achieved this. We are a particularly selfish and loose era of humanity.
Kind of agree. I'm fascinated by a lot of what she says but not sure about her beliefs regarding infidelity. Anyone seen that clip of Jada Smith pointing her phone at Will during a live stream without asking his permission? His body language was painful to watch and her reaction was toxic as hell. Just horrible. Did anyone notice she was talking about Ester Perel and how she had helped the pair ' redefine ' their relationship. So yeah, interesting that someone who has committed a very public act of infidelity and shows zero remorse uses Ester Peral as an apologist of sorts.
I am really sad that I am no entrepreneur.
So I have to have bad sex for the rest of my life. 😭😭😭
Stop interrupting her, dude
Ikr
He was annoying
I think he can’t stand her.
That guy needs to stop interrupting and go get a damn HAIR CUT!!!
If you get tempted. Then you shouldn’t have ever gotten in a relationship
That is the silliest thing I have ever heard. Are you 5 years old? Being human you are going to be tempted the point is to understand that temptation is normal but to value what you have. If you tell yourself that simply being tempted means that you shouldn't be in your relationship then you will forever be moving to another relationship. Unless you are a cyborg sent from the future to destroy relationships between humans so that there are no relationships in the future weakening the human race so the machines take over the world....lol
Host interrupting the guest is such a turn-off
This guy doesn't know how to listen haha! Great talk tho
Esther Perel eager to speak with an irritable personality .. Alain, smart, humble and extremely engaging ..
+Adnan Sagar ...Actually I found Esther Perel to be very insightful and Alain Botton, whom I respect and follow, to be interrupting her too often when she was making good points.
fineartist She did, .. I simply disliked her personality .. information can be found / read etc, but when with another presenter you mustn't hog the discussion just because you've good points to make, ..
+Adnan Sagar just keeps speaking... Asks a question, then doesn't even listen to the answer and keeps interrupting her....
+anotherblondegirl That shouldn't be a problem, .. they were both on the stage, .. they should've been exchanging talking intervals (instead, when she speaks, she's like a train without breaks) play like a team, .. be more kind to one another (which he was but she was not) .. she took his attempts of being more interactive (asking questions) in a defensive way, .. then slowly she started to ignore him, towards the end her energy was awful .. that is not cool, .. regardless of how much useful information you think you have to say, ..
I didn't enjoy Alain's interruptions which seemed like poor attempts at being clever/provocative? If she was at all irritated I can understand because there were people in the audience genuinely curious to get answers to specific questions and not only did she respond with grace and lucidity, I can feel her desire to clarify these often very confusing and vulnerable issues. It's not a joking matter when couples are sexless or debating affairs - so Alain's attempts at making it simple bordering simplistic wasn't necessary. He wanted to have some kind of playful debate/philosophical discussion but she showed up to help work through something that's a real problem for a lot of people.
I dont like Perel...dont agree with her
Triggered much ?
they are inmature.. time made me loved my husband more not less... i pity this stupid subject..cant stand her
Lol
I'm happy to see a sane person here👏👏👏👌
Alain de Botton (Philosopher & Writer) is a boring speaker
shakti majumdar RUBBISH AdB is an incredible orator. He is ridiculously erudite, highly engaging and totally captivates his audience
To be fair you're a boring commenter.
I don't know, I noticed a lot of laughter, honest laughter...usually not a symptom of boredom.