don’t get baby trapped - not everyone deserves children
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- čas přidán 16. 06. 2024
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In this episode, Elle explores the concept of being conditionally childfree, emphasizing the importance of having children under the right conditions and with the right partner. She challenges societal norms that reduce women to their reproductive roles, affirming that women are creators in various ways. Elle also cautions against the trap of having children with the wrong person for the sake of legacy, underlining the difference between lineage and legacy. The podcast confronts the stigmatization of childfree people, sheds light on the baby-trapping tactics of malicious men, and encourages listeners to value their worth and make decisions that prioritize their well-being.
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Men don't have to go through the trama of pregnancy and childbirth. So of course they don't think that hard about having kids, they aren't the ones that have to do it, and they can walk away anytime they want
Exactly. And will find some way to justify their absence and sleep very well at night with their choice too! If you plan on having a baby plan on being a single mom. You will always be the main parent, you will always have a stronger felt obligation. Plan for the worst hope for the best.
My parents are a prime example of this. My dad wanted four kids and my mum wanted two but she went along with it anyways. She sacrificed her career and education to stay at home and raise us. My dad was annoyed at how noisy and messy the house was growing up. What did he expect? He was the one that wanted four kids and ironically my mum adapted much better to it. THINK THIS THROUGH PEOPLE.
@@user-lt7ff1tg9fwell your mom didn’t have a choice.. she had to adapt😢
Yeah I apologized and thanked to my mom yesterday for not realizing that she was her own person before my father and me came along
I really think part of the culture is what’s wrong with this, a lot of people are saying this quote of not all parents deserve kids but all kids deserve parents.
How is that even true to its fullness? Maybe as a child yes, but wtf are you supposed to do when you raise a child with so much love , patience and also give
Them some freedom ? What do you do when they are little shits?
That’s the other gamble with having kids , just cuz you do the best you can doesn’t mean that kids going to come out “good” .
I feel like other cultures don’t see their parents as cringey or embarrassing; unlike most of us who are hammered down by social media and television and pop culture.
There should be a transition in how we view our parents .
I think the statistics show that the more involved the father is (like taking paternity leave), the less children he wants because he realises how hard it is..
My father told us very young that having a baby only traps women and to choose our men wisely...
👏🏽👏🏽
Your father was a wise man
That's a good Dad! My Dad told me to marry rich....yeah, great advice Dad. 😂
I remember my mom told that to 19 year old me and I remember thinking “oh I knew that already”. I feel for the ladies who romanticized having kids
I wish my Dad taught me that.
When I was pregnant my husband gave me back massages every night for 9 months. He bought every weird food craving I had when I asked. He stopped cooking things that made me nauseous. He was so supportive and patient of my emotional state. He brought breakfast to bed because I was nauseous in the morning. He went to every single appointment with me. He helped me put on clothes during the last weeks. He painted my toenails. He educated himself on how to be supportive during birth. When I gave birth he cried and told me 'You're so beautiful". He stayed up with me when I breastfed and brought water and snacks. I never had to ask him to take care of the baby, he would do EVERYTHING automatically. You are so vulnerable when pregnant and postpartum and you really need to depend on the help of your husband and family.
My friends boyfriend begged for a child for months, then changed his mind and left when she was six months pregnant. Your standards need to be higher than the sky if you want to be happy in parenthood. Our daughter is now three and I'm not the only spoiled girlie in this house anymore. ❤
It's reassuring to know there's partners like that out there! I'm sure the peace and happiness makes it easier to be a wonderful mother too. How long had you been together for, before your child, if you don't mind me asking?
@@reckonerwheel5336 yeah, it's easy to be happy and relaxed as a mom when everything is taken care of and your partner is your rock. ❤️ We were together for two years, we both had very clear vision for what we wanted in this life. 🥰
I don’t want children, but I’m always happy to see things work out for people who do. Sounds like you have a wonderful family. Congratulations!
not going to have kids but really glad that your partner is so supportive!
YOU FOUJD THE BEST MAN EVER AND having your friend deal with that crappy man is heartbreaking
I ended things with my boyfriend the other day because he wanted to have children and I didn’t. He told me I was going to die alone , with my cats, since I didn’t want to have a kid. And all I said I wanted to have kids, but there are conditions that need to be met before I have them. I’m not where I want to be financially, I don’t have my own home, and I can’t pay school fees for a kid right now. He’s been pressuring me over the past 3 years, and this video was the sign I needed to accept that I made the right decision. Thank you so much bestie ❤
Your bf was an a---hole. Saying that you were going to die alone with cats.........any man who says is a walking red flag. Thank goodness he revealed himself before things got even more serious.
It's projection, HE'S frightened of ending up alone because women fare better being single than men do.
The fact that he was a BOYFRIEND and wanted to have kids is already an immediate disqualification. Baby making is for a husband.
@@rejectionisprotection4448 elderly people in the nursing homes that don’t get any visit are mostly men. It’s definitely projecting they know they’ll end up alone 😂
Always with the dying alone with cats. 🙄 So unoriginal and so tired. These men WISH they could receive the love and care those cats receive.
Chek how much a surrogacy mother costs wherever you are. Include eggs price, hospitalization, insurance,etc.
And show him the bill.
Then make an excel spreadsheet with costs of a new born, childcare, food, etc.
Send him the bill.
Most people can't name drop Albert Einstein's parents because most people don't actually care. Additionally, most people can't name drop his children (or they don't know if he even had children) because most people don't care.
Albert Einstein is his own legacy. He made it through the deeds he did while he was alive. He is not his parent's legacy, and his children aren't his legacy.
So anyone who is going on about "legacy via progeny" doesn't know what they're talking about.
Excellent observation!!!!
yeah, my actions are mine, and i will be remembered for them, not anyone else
That girl with the talk show really said the truth about super average people wanting a legacy like they are royalty or something. Crazy how some people think.
Einsteins himself was a absent dad, abandoned his wife and kids for another woman, didn't help taking care of them and was also a abusive husband
✨✨✨I’m childfree and I hear ur point but u have celebrities like Kim k and Beyoncé who kids will be famous from their parents . Like they have to put in the work but not as much as a regular person. Ppl know who Beyoncé is and Blue bc she showcase her in her concert… so the kid only benefits from it. Not Beyoncé !
I work as a mother-baby/postpartum nurse and let me tell you! 90% of the “fathers” on my unit sit there on the couch playing video games and don’t help their partner and don’t help with baby and get verbally annoyed when the partner asks for help. It’s like they couldn’t give a bigger shit. Their “lEgACy” was just born and they already don’t give a shit. The new moms have two kids now- a newborn and a man child, not a co-parent. Don’t get me wrong I love my job and when I see the 10% of fathers who help out, who you can tell just by watching them in the room that they love their partner and the baby, and have the RESPECT for their partner to help out and do their fair share it’s so amazing. But it’s so rare on my unit that it shocks me when I see it and I shouldn’t feel that way when it should be the bare minimum. This job is supposed it be one of the more “happier” nursing jobs, but let me tell you, it’s often depressing knowing the moms and babies are going to go home to a shit home life. This job has taught me to be really careful about who you have a baby with.
Fellow nurse here, and yes, completely agree. Moved to an OB-GYN unit a year ago and apart from surgical GYN patients we take care of NICU moms and more complicated postpartums (post TAHBSOs/had accreta to percreta and massive blood loss patients) and the amount of baby daddies who are literally babies themselves was astounding. I've had a couple dads bring their own TVs and game consoles TO THE HOSPITAL so they could play games....like dude this is not a freaking vacation. Another one kept ordering his wife who just had a CS to pass him food or his drink and it was ridiculous. Cannot believe the audacity of these people, I swear.
@@geysers777 This is why I wouldn't be able to do that job, they'd probably sack me, lol! I'd be unable to disguise my anger and disgust. There would be a lot of head-shaking, dirty looks, and shouting like a drill sergeant in bootcamp
@@geysers777I had a baby daddy hook this gaming console to the nursing computer in the patient room and wouldn’t turn it off when I needed to scan a patient medication and chart something. Like dude be so fucking for real right now
agreed 90% of the "dads" are a selfish mess. Don't even get me started on men who leave their wives when they get sick, are in an accident, or become disabled that could be a video by itself.
I’ve seen a lot of posts on reddit of fathers to be proudly posting their portable gaming set ups
My dad wanted four children. My mum wanted two. I was planned. The birth was so difficult my mum begged my dad to consider adopting a second child instead of having another biological one. He didn't listen. Three kids later, my dad was annoyed at how messy and noisy we were. My mum sacrificed pursuing graduate school and her career so she could raise us. Ironically he was the one that wanted the big family, to keep up with appearances, yet my mum, the one who didn't want as many kids, adapted to it much better. Think these decisions though, people.
My former neighbours are AHs. They have three children and are super cruel to them. The father is like a spoiled brat. The mum too but she actually cleans and cooks on top of working full time. She would also boss the kids around a lot so they'd so all the chores their dad didn't bother doing. And I say she "bossed" them around because you were able to hear the hatred towards the kids in her voice.
All while her husband went upstairs to smoke to their roof. Every evening and every weekend when they weren't visiting his family. If the weather didn't allow he would just smoke in doors or inside their car. The mother's mother is a lot like the dad.
My elder sister gets along with everyone and had some heart to hearts with the mum.
She said her husband wanted a big family. She got her tubes tied after the 3rd child because of him being abusive. He never moved a finger around the house. He created drama out of thin air and then locked himself in the car sulking. At least 3 times a week. I think he was throwing tantrums because he wanted a son. He kind of stopped the car tantrums after their 3rd child turned out to be a boy.
The mother would send their eldest kid to beg her dad to come back home and mediate between her parents ever since she was about 6 years old. He wouldn't even let her into the car or looked at her.
Mind you, it's an apartment building in the city center. Anyone could have walked or driven by and kidnapped that child. An her dad would haven been too busy throwing a fit, not even looking her way.
That kid was heavily parentified. Her maternal grandma would give her drops of "wisdom" when she visited which were pure brainwashing sessions.
The parents are still together.
Other former neighbours were also major AHs, the husband cheated all the time, he beat up the wife once to my knowledge. And they would both berate and call their youngest names while they treated their boy as if he was godlike. They would enrage me. They still do. I hope their daughter will heal, learn her worth and go no contact with them eventually. Because the youngest son is gonna end up k1ll1ng his future partners. If he does his parents will cover it up.
And the wife would also complain to her friends and family on the phone and to the sons from her husbands first marriage about how she never wanted kids. While the younger kids could hear her 🙄
Her parents took her and the youngest in for a while but then told her to "get back to (her) husband. The children need their father".
Neither of them should be allowed near any children, cattle or pets.
The ADAPTING. When my dad lost his job my mum took up so much of the work abd fast forward to now she is more emotionally intelligent and connected to us now adults more than my dad even though he's had all this time. Seriously some mothers go through too much.
I think the thing you said about your mom adapting to a life your dad wanted better than he did say alot about society. For men, its really just their choice, how many children they want, how much effort they put into taking care of these kids, etc. But for your mother for women in general, it's never a choice. They *_need_* to adapt or else who will?
All the proofs are plain to see, W arent the ones who change their minds the most: M are.
M push W into leaving school/city/work etc for them.
M asks for baby, then imediately runs away.
M do this.
W, I urge you to wake up already.
It’s so insulting when a man tells me he wants a baby with me, wants to make me a mother but not a wife. That I have to “prove” myself worthy of marriage and live together for years first or sleep together, etc and probably still not be good enough. But they still wanna have a kid together. I don’t get it!
coz they don't love you..they want a continuation of their bloodline..
That part it’s such a turnoff…
🏃🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃🏃♀️🏃♂️
@@Autonomous111 bless her heart! I almost fell for it
I don't get it either. Having a child is 100% more commitment then hetting married. At least with marriage there is divorce. But once the child is born, thats it! No going back!
They are delusional. Leave then alone. ❤
Men love to talk about 'the family name'. What does that name come with? Land? A royal title? A yacht?? Easy access to Ivy League schools? Please tell me.
Exactly 😂
The father expect their children to have achievements and yet not support them during the process. When they excel in whatever area of life, he bask himself in the children's victories ,claiming their talents are from dad's genetic. They inherit zero social status 'tools' from the dad. I barely associate myself with dad when I got awards as he passed on generational trauma instead of generational wealth.
@@CheekFleekyou literally just explained my life! Like my sperm donor makes me so angry cause how dare you bask in my accomplishments that I put blood, sweat and tears into which by the way he didn’t contribute to. An absent father needs to stay in an absent father’s place ✌🏾
@@CheekFleekWow you spoke facts never why many successful people fathers come out the wood works to brag about their success.
men are named something like “Smith” and talk big about the family name as if it isn’t a normal ass name that millions other people have too lol
I truly believe if all women became conditionally childfree, men would have no choice but to step up.
Even if he steps up, I'm not having children because I just don't want to and I don't like them.
@@bougiepeaches5497Same. I had a boyfriend that tried to baby trap me. He talked me out of getting condoms sent to us on a monthly basis through a subscription and said he would buy them. He didn’t buy anymore condoms. Then he started hiding condoms and plan b’s which resulted in me getting pregnant. When i confronted him about it he found it funny. I made him sell his ps5 for abortion money. Luckily l, I had a miscarriage before i had to make the difficult decision to get an abortion. Then i left. Couldn’t do it. I hated every second of being pregnant against my will. Now i’m more focused on working on starting my own business (which he knew about before he tried to trap me). I think that’s why he tried to get me pregnant 🤢
Nope, I am childfree. It is not conditional and not up for negotiation, no matter what.
This is naive. Plenty of women already have high standards, and men feel so entitled to us and our bodies, they're willing to die alone before they try to change and be better. Hence the "male loneliness epidemic"
There’s a 50/50 chance of them stepping up and there’s a chance that they won’t. At this rate I’m not taking no chances. #childfreeforever.
I was baby trapped twice and it literally ruined my body and my mental health and my life and my financial situation.
I want to help other women and help them not fall into this trap.
Remember that men are extremely good actors and they can literally hate your guts and be planning your downfall while still sleeping in bed with you and holding you and telling you that he loves you and you are special and his dream girl while still cursing the day you were born inside his mind.
Thank you.
Girl, same. 😕
@@KateMoriahI'm sorry ☹️
How do they do that? when I despise someone I can't be breathing the same air as them, I totally ignore them like they don't exist. How do so many men do that so naturally
@@Orangelemon167also men's Brains are wired differently than women's
My boyfriend is the son of Cambodian immigrants who fled during that situation in the 1970’s to America. I was so worried to tell him I don’t want kids. His response? “I’m not the one who has to carry and birth the child. If my wife wanted kids, I’m cool with it and if she didn’t, I’d understand her decision.” He also knows I used to be anorexic and is encouraging me with working out, and praises me when I get enough bravery to eat a slice of cake. Find a man like him, he’s hardworking and kind to everyone around him.
What a good man ❤❤❤❤
@@angelsarereal4902 I was scared I’d be alone forever, tbh. Good people exist they’re just found in unexpected places.
A friend fled his country with his family as war refugees as a small kid and so far is the only man who earnestly asked me why I'm a feminist and when he heard my reply he immediately understood and didn't question it.
Every other dude who has asked me that was either a trolling antifeminist, or a conservatives who self identifies as a centrist or "apolitical".
Your boyfriend is a fence sitter. That doesn't erase any of his good aspect thought, but people that has a lukewarm opinion about having kids or not, usually end up wanting them. There's some advices/cases about it in the Childfree subreddit.
Love, love, love😍😍😍
Someone on Tiktok gave background info on the little Korean boy. Apparently both parents are working full time and have the aging/sick grandma live with them in a multigenerational home, who helps with childcare. They still can't make ends meet and are burned out. This just goes to show how important money is. You will snap and you won't parent well if you're broke, especially in a country with bad social support systems.
They also have a second child (a daughter who appears to be under one year old).
I watched part of this program out of interest. The parents don't look like bad people, but the child feels abandoned. I hope they can handle everything. Children should not suffer from the fact that their parents did not calculate their financial and time resources.
I feel bad for those babies too,
What's the name of the show?? I'm bawling over that baby saying he's alone most of the time and doesn't think his mom likes him😭😭😭😭😭
@@chai_lattes The name of the show is "my golden kids" ep.169 in English I guess. I searched it as "Korean child about parents". The child is not completely alone in the whole house. But he spends a lot of time alone in the kids room and plays alone while his parents are busy with housework or with his younger sibling.
I understand you.
My heart is clenching to see such a small child feel alone and unloved.
That's how it is so important to listen to the childs perspective.
For the parents they are doing everything right since they're both earning a living and the child is clothed, fed and sheltered, it even has a lot of toys to play by himself.
But the child doesn't understand this and shouldn't Because such a small child needs affection and emotional support. The child also says the father is scary when he is mad, the father probably gets home tired from work and shouts at his wife, his mother and the child listens to the shouts and gets frightened.
This ex boyfriend of mine DEMANDED a child from me when he couldn't even afford to buy me pack of sanitary pads. I had a job that was paying me $210.98 (R4000) PER MONTH on average (due to overtime). He insisted that "money does not raise a child"....and that was my cue ✌🏾
😂😂how does one feed the child, get them education, and a safe environment without money???? delusionalll
@@MikuHatsune159
Maybe he wanted to raise kids the way spiders do
It’s crazy when people say that, I heard a person say that you should have kids because things always find a way to work out, like no they don’t lmao
@@MikuHatsune159 A LOT of people from my community do not put those IMPORTANT aspects into consideration when deciding to have a child. It also goes with the kind of choices they make on a daily basis to show that they have little to no regard for planning ahead.
@@confetti3503 Lol honestly 😂.
I don't understand how having children is an inherently selfless act??? Like you are creating a new person for what? There are plenty of children that already exist that need teachers, mentors, foster parents etc. I just don't think having a child is inherently selfless
Yeah it is more like a natural instinct to have children because until a century ago you could stop reproduction. Also this is not politicallly correct but most people want to have their own children like you may feel sorry for orphans but they won’t compromise themselves with a child that is not theirs like a bilohical child they made. Like you can help them if you want but that friend mean we have to take the responsibility of parenting other people children. That is just the reality also look at how homosexual couples rarely adopt they just go for surrogacy because it is better to have your own biological children
@@paulamarianaruiztrue, we seem to have an instinct and derive a different level of pleasure in seeing our own traits and that of a loved spouse or partner in another human being. There is no substitute for that.
exactly, IMO if not having children should be considered as being "selfish", only waiting biological children instead of adopting should be considered more selfish than not having children, like, why do you ONLY want to have biologically child? like, are you "so great" that you need to spread your genetics???
@@shownuuu7469 while I agree partly I also think its wrong to shame people into adoption. If you’ve ever worked in the social work setting you will know that a lot of children in foster care and such have past trauma. They need emotionally and mentally strong parents, parents that know how to deal with sexual trauma, abuse trauma, trauma from abandonment or neglect, mental health issues, behavioral issues, possibly disabilities. So while I agree that people should question why they want biological kids to begin with, adoption/fostering is absolutely not something that most people let alone beginner parents are capable of dealing with.
@@paulamarianaruiz The irony is most people will accept their "natural instincts" yet are the same types who don't believe in evolution.
My ex used to be very anti marriage but as soon as I transferred to an Ivy League college and when things started to line up for me he started talking about marriage and how he wanted a baby for Christmas and started asking if I’d “move for him” or if I was “dedicated enough to our relationship” and would ask if “I would do a year abroad to where ever he was stationed.” He would also get upset when ever I would mention wanting to start birth control. It’s been a pleasure not having him around and freeing to have finally have gotten the arm implant birth control. Good ridden, very glad I wasn’t trapped.
a baby for Christmas? like a mini-me present for his highness, of course, wrapped with a red velvet bow 😂 i imagine him asking like it was a PS5 or something.
Well done ,you! Bravo!
That's why he's an ex! The hell?! Good for you.
New anthropological studies have come out suggesting that women have not evolved to be sole care-takers for their children. Babies studied growing in isolated tribes had on average 15-20 care-takers besides the mother and father. Friends, neighbors, extended family... most helped with watching mostly but around 8 people provided close care to each baby.
This would make a lot of sense when you think of how modern, even stay at home moms, tend to struggle so much with raising a single child full time!!
This!! It’s so strange this nuclear family set up we keep relying on (& failing at). No wonder women are so burnt out raising kids…it’s unnatural to do it yourself. Historically it’s always been a community of women (also high powered podcast talks about this a lot), not ONE woman and a reluctant (if not emotionally or physically absent or likely incapable) man
and also, women weren't just "the caregivers"but did other work
@@MysticalPreshXO Not to mention that an abusive person is likely to hold a lot less power over their victim if said victim is surrounded by a large support system. Be the victim spouse or child.
@@Ash-nh6li Hunters even in some instances according to other anthropological studies.
Which also makes sense as some women def have a strong instinct for it.
@@kated3165 yes and especially gatherers which is why there are more cones for sensing color in our eyes
That little boy brought me to tears. It’s so heartbreaking! He is a prime example of why some people should never be parents.
😭😭
They were forced by their parents
The worst part is that there is a movement in Korea about boycotting marriage and having kids so his mom is clearly a pickme.
That video was the saddest thing I've seen in a long time. Poor sweet baby deserves so much better.
It just boggles my mind that some parents don't get that they are setting their kids up for failure with such horrible parenting. They better fix the situation before it's too late. Side note: I'm Korean and and, lol, that's my 4th reason for not wanting a child (I listed 3 earlier).
My mum didn’t want to be a mum, especially to a neurospicy, highly imaginative, very needy daughter. Not only did she not want a child, but she was very loud and clear that I was the worst thing that happened to her. Her disdain, contempt and neglect has haunted me for 36 years. I’m a very successful nurse in corporate preventative healthcare. All my success is in spite of this awful woman. I survived 6 years of homelessness after she booted me out at 16. I took every little job. Every little opportunity. And I’ve made something of myself. And I know in my heart of hearts that I am like her. I do not have a motherly instinct. I get overwhelmed easily. I know my mental health is not conducive to being a parent, especially to a child like me. But the guilt trips I get from people is….wow. I get told I’m selfish, irresponsible, unable to love. None of these things are true. I just know my limits and my abilities. Unlike own mother.
Sending you so much love, girl. You deserve everything you've achieved, every kind person you've ever met, and every beautiful experience. I don't know you, but I love you! You deserve a long beautiful life.
I really want to hug you. People should know how brave and gutsy and GOOD person you are, for not passing on the curse to the next generation. Kudos to you. Stay strong. I'm a happy mother, and warning: do NOT be a mother unwillingly. NEVER. Resist any and all attempts to force you. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, with a great pregnancy, national healthcare, a supportive husband and enough money. I can't even fathom the hell it would be if the child was unwanted, the father absent, uncooperative or an extra load, money scarce... So many things can go wrong! Do NOT do if. If necessary, tell those people to go to hell, from happy moms who know it's not for everyone.
If your mother did not wanted a child she should have keep her legs closed.
@@larissagomes451 she was married off at 17. She had no choice. But literally please continue to be a cúnt, it’s obviously working so well for you.
At least you own your past and your identity. Don't let other people try to tell you things about yourself you KNOW not to be true. They don't live in your skin.
My favorite saying is “every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child.” A world where people can think long and hard before bringing children into the world would be a better world.
This is so strong ❤
That dude made my blood boil. Red flag number 1: "You’re not even crying, you’re on the brink of losing me". Then less than a minute later red flags numbers 2-100: "Do I care? It will take me two days to forget about you!" The double standards, the attempts at gaslighting and manipulation were off the charts. Gross man.
That part when he's complaining she's not crying was actually funny to me. Was he hallucinating or where does such stupidity, cause how else can one call it? he sounded like a child...where does such stupidity come from?! :D
the worst thing about his first child is that the girl informed him about pregnancy and he just deleted her e-mail (they were in different countries) , never responded to her, never tried to find her
@@aliya6158 he did not delete her email, he deleted his own email address which was even worse because the one and only possible chance of contact was lost!
Got serious narcissist vibes from that guy.
Do you know what tv show that was from?
My sister in laws hate me, they drag me for being child free. They say horrible things about me bc they arent happy in the relationships, and marriages. Im free to go to school and work and buy myself nice things. My fiance loves me, wants me to be happy. Even if it means waiting til IM ready to have a baby, i havent even finished my 2nd puberty. 😂
You go girl!! Live your best life, children are big responsibility and these parents sometime do not want them kids and those kids are "accident" babies.
@@wellknown1204 yeah, sometimes it hurts my heart thou. The parents that don't care about their kids. The ones that choose drugs, alcohol, and partying over their kids make me sick. I've watched my younger sister in law get her 3 year old taken away twice. Some people are blessed with babies from god, and just don't know what to do. It's hard to hear them use being childless, against me as if that something bad. I've choose to remain child free bc of my childhood and how my dad wasn't around for my mom. I don't want that cycle to continue so I'm gonna make sure my partner is 100% with me. I don't want my child to live like my nephew is right now.
Second puberty ? What age is that lol
@@KeraJaay early 20's
Just started my third puberty 😂
People who argue legacies don't want legacy, they want lineage
I am 23 and I have made a decision that I won't be having children and I really hate it when people say, "You're so young, you'll change your mind", "Which man will marry you if you don't wanna have kids?" or "You're gonna be lonely" Lol auntie, I'm gonna have such a fabulous, stress-free life! Leave me and my womb alone! 😂
I’m the same age and have the same experience. I’ve decided that I’m not gonna have kids since a young age and ppl have always said the same thing: “you’re gonna change your mind” “you’re gonna regret not having them”. Ok, I’d rather not having kids than having them.
According to my mother, having a husband would mean Id be 'taken care of', when in practice it means you still have to live your. life, work full-time and play the role of his mother as in cooking cleaning and all- so how is that being taken care of? I replied "I dont wish to be a servant"
I’m 33 and childfree. I’ve noticed more and more men are being childfree but open to life partnership aka marriage
I'm 24 and absolutely the same!
i’ve started telling people “oh you’ll change your mind too!” and THEIR FACES ARE SO FUNNY
I came from a neglect-filled childhood.
I was taught my life was to please others…which prepped me to accept a predator into my life.
He never got a job and lived off me for years (yes, I was young and dumb)
He always talked about making me the mother of his children…which the thought would actually make me physically ill.
So glad I got out. I felt like I was living in the plot line of a horror movie.
I’m glad you got out too! Great work.
Similar experience and..domestic violence. Glad that our brains fully develop by 25. Lightbulbs came on & I was outta there. Thank goodness childfree
@@angelcoyote9802 🥹🫶🏻💞
@@learningearning8385 amen. No children.😅😅😅
Omg 😢💔
Yup! My last bf tried to baby trap me.
I've successfully avoided motherhood for 45 years, so I'm not about to let a dude destroy all this hard work 😂
It's really hard to get pregnant at that age and to sustain a pregnancy...no offense. I worked in an OBGYN office and it's near impossible. It carries a lot of risks.
@@MultiSUNFLOWER18my ex' ex-wife had their first child at 47!
@@brooksiedoodle5087 ok, that’s great! Best wishes!
@MultiSUNFLOWER18 did she asked?
@@MultiSUNFLOWER18her point is that she literally doesn't want them. What are you on about? 🤡
As a product of parents who didn’t want kids, I’m hyper aware of how it has negatively impacted me. I was stunted in every stage growing up and I now feel like a 15 year old trapped in a 26 year old body. So yeah, I have a lot of work to do before I can even consider having kids.
This comment just made me shed a tear. I literally feel like a 12-year old girl in a 27-year old's body. Therapy is helping though
I know how you feel…❤
everyone lives their life in their own timeline/pace, no matter what age they are. hope everything works out for you, try not to worry about time in that sense and focus your all on mental health recovery. it’s a long process, but it’s worth continuing
Girl I still feel like either a middle schooler or a teen and I’m 26 too. Sometimes I feel my age, but for the most part I still feel like a kid. You’re not alone, it’s very normal for people who have had difficult childhoods to feel stunted. We were so focused on survival and trying to get by that our minds weren’t able to grow at a normal pace.
I feel the same way 🙏 24 feeling 12-18 still when I choose to dissociate. I wish you well on this journey we call life. Your not alone. Stay strong
when I was 18, I asked my mom to take me to the doctor to get birth control and she told me no (she's a pick me and the worst)
the way I rode my bicycle to the local planned parenthood and had them put in an IUD so I'll never get pregnant unless I choose to do so
my pick me mom tried to drag me down to her level and I refused to engage
Good for you for resisting even your mom.
absolute boss
cool, but did you look up the effects that birth control does to the body in the long run? just asking
@@lovelymill Paragard IUD has no hormones there's no long term effect it's just a piece of copper in my uterus. it lasts 10-12 years but you can have it taken out at any time if you want to have a baby
Yesterday I saw a video of a Brazilian woman married to a Korean man. They have 3 children and she has depression. Her husband never asked about her treatment, his family always considered her a lucky woman who "married well and didn't need to work". She always does everything to please everyone and no one cares about her. Even separating would be complicated by Korean laws. Never give up your individuality, this is very dangerous.
I think I saw that. Was the woman a belly dancer?
If its a woman that is the mother of three boys, she is an amazing and hardworking person
I watch all her videos, it’s good that her husband brings them money and they can have a good life. It seems like a cultural thing because she says he doesn’t care about what his family says about them, but he doesn’t say anything back to not disrespect his parents (in the eyes of Korean culture).
Bro, I literally saw clips of that on CZcams and tried to look it up more… I stopped 7 shorts in because how heartbroken it was!💔
I don’t know why anyone would try to convince someone, especially strangers, to have kids? Like a whole human person? If someone has made that choice it’s not something you should convince someone of
When people use the term 'have a baby', I wonder if the term 'have a human' would be as appealing if we used it instead.
They are projecting Ig
Raising a whole person is such a huge commitment, it really shouldn’t be the standard or assumed
Lots of parents are miserable so they want others to join in on their misery. Misery loves company
It completely baffles me when women have children outside of wedlock. As soon as I turned 18 I got paraguard, a nonhormonal IUD which was good for 10 years.
I had a laundry list of conditions that needed to be met before having children and that included being married, owning a home and having 100k in bank. Sounds insane but I accomplished all of the above and had my first at 30.
And even with all that prework and having a super hands on supportive husband, having a baby is HARD. I can’t even imagine have a baby with someone who wouldn’t even change a diaper or attend to the baby when they cry.
Children are a gift that not everyone deserves or can afford.
I had an abortion in my 20’s. I never want to go through that process again so the nurse recommended the 10 year paraguard. Yes my periods are much heavier, but the trade off is so do worth it. I’ve never had a scare and I’m so grateful to be child free in my late 30’s. I’ll be implanting a new one next year, so thankful this technology is available to women! I look at my nephew and feel zero motherly instinct toward him, I absolutely made the right choice.
I’ll be opening up my own business next year and will finally experience financial freedom. That could have never happened with a child.
Not sure where you live, but in the US, abortion access is spotty at best because of state law and access issue, and preventative care (like IUDs and birth control) aren’t always covered by insurance. Even assuming they are, it can still be anywhere from a hundred to a thousand dollars to get long-term contraceptives, and that’s only if you don’t experience side effects that necessitate removal. Most AFAB people who need birth control can’t access it for a variety of reasons.
Birth control is readily accessible and affordable. Online ordering and shipping is even an option now. The remote areas you are referring to likely don’t the same magnitude of single motherhood as rural areas do.
The majority of the adult population has a cellphone. There really isn’t an excuse. Can’t tell me that someone has a Facebook page but can’t Google a local planned parenthood or low cost clinic.
@@lindenshepherd6085Planned Parenthood does sliding scale prices. I told them about me being a full time student and presented my W-2 from the year before and they lowered the out of pocket cost because I don’t have health insurance
Paragard gave me cramps and made me bleed for months until one day I squatted in the shower and pulled it out myself. Not everyone gets a good solution to this. That’s why I’m getting my tubes removed in 2024
I remember when I got my first real job, I was working in a kitchen which is very much dominated by men, I was 24/25 and these 3 older male coworkers from 36-42 yo, started talking about how I needed to start having kids, it’s what a woman’s body was made for, yada yada. It felt so dehumanizing, like I wasn’t even a person, never did they ask if I had a decent guy in my life or if I had money to raise a child, it was just make a baby. I told them I was young and wanted to enjoy my 20s. They stated that ends for women at 25 and they needed to start having babies. Now, here’s the thing, 2 had side pieces and went out after work, the other one worked a second job because 1) kids cost money and 2) because he wanted to go home when his kids tired out. It was the baby mommas that worked and then took care of the kids. Yeah, pass on that.
Remember ladies, you don't need a reason to be childfree. You don't need to come from an abusive family, have genetic disorders, be financially instable or have mental/physical health issues to not want a child. You could be perfectly, you could be perfectly healthy, stable, have a good relationship with your family and you are still free to have or not have kids.
.
My dad always told me to first make a career and have a good amount of money secured before marrying or giving birth. A couple months ago I told him I am and will be child-free until the end of my life because I don't want to sacrifice my body, and that he should not expect grandchildren at least from me. He replied with "I agree. If you end up wanting children, you can adopt."
Having a positive male figure makes a whole lot of difference, my dad also supports my decision of putting myself and my career first, he says his grandbabies are mine and my sister’s diplomas hanging on the wall haha. All children should grow up with supportive parents like that and unfortunately most of them aren’t.
@@krpchnkva330 yes. unfortunately so many people actually shouldn't be parents. it doesn't seem like people really care what happens to their offspring after they had their fun with them (aka childhood years)
If only father was half as smart as yours.. if only
In the Mediterranean, they call this: "taking the chestnuts out of the fire with other people's hands".
They want a woman to go through all ghe challenges of raising a child well and then scoff when she wants a bare level of safety and stability.
Lol I’m Arab/African from Notth Africa and I call fully agree with this.
Yes - my husband says if anyone questions when or if I’m having kids to take it up with him. He will ask - “oh, so how much money will you provide each month to raise the child? How much childcare? Etc etc” generally shuts people up. It’s easy for them to try to manipulate you to do work when they don’t or they regret what they already got or let go of.
My son came out with a disability and the loser sperm donor has spent most of my sons life in prison. I had no support system growing up and no one to help me navigate life. my mother allowed strange men around me and my sister from a young age and dated perverts. She never taught us anything... well she probably doesn't know anything but omg she failed so badly. She has terminal pickmesha syndrome. It's so important to prepare women and our daughters for success!
Oof terminal pickmeisha syndrome! My mother in law has that, too! Learn from her mistakes - take care!
Terminal pickmeisha lol so accurate, there is a lot of them out there enduring terrible weddings
A guy once questioned me up and down about my personal life and when I pretty much confirmed that I have my shit together, he asked if I had kids. I said no, and he literally said “that’s not fair”. Some men are really gross and truly just want us to be miserable
I want to be a mother but only if I can have a nanny when I need a break, still have vacations, still buy the things I want, still do the things I love. When a man becomes a father its a secondary trait but when a woman becomes a mother its expected to be her entire identity and all she lives for. I won't be just a mother, I'll still be me.
I've said nearly word for word the same exact thing 😅
100% and you deserve to have it all~ Don't settle for less ❤️
!!!!!!!
I wanted kids so bad, but I was LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY that all of the BBMLEM’s that I dated in my pickmeisha era were super skittish losers with commitment issues, rather than legacy-building baby-trappers. I was spared so many times. So when I finally met my husband, I had come to terms and peace with being child-free - I was in my 40’s and he was in his 50’s, and neither of us wanted to take on the risks of “geriatric pregnancy” and the possibility of birth defects and other risks - and miraculously, he was also child-free! So we have dogs and cats and a beautiful life together.
That's a true love story! 😭
It's okay if you don't want to have children, but just remember adoption exists, pregnancy is not the only way to became a parent
Yaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!
@@MariaPaula-uw3ds adoption is a beautiful thing for those who feel drawn to it, but it is absolutely not the end-all be-all solution for either the parents or the children. I know a lot of people in the realm of adoption, on both sides of the relationship, and I was able to say with great clarity that it was not the solution for me. It’s not an alternative to pregnancy and it’s not a quick fix to parenting desires. It’s a big, expensive legal arrangement with huge ramifications for the commodification of children - which ones have market value and which ones don’t (don’t get mad, get paid) - and every adopted child is a special needs child, because the separation trauma at birth or any age can create huge emotional and psychological issues. Not to mention how many children who are given up for adoption were unwanted pregnancies or were too special needs for their birth parents. I’m not saying those children don’t deserve the best homes possible, because they absolutely do, but throwing adoption into the mix as if it’s as non-problematic as going to the shelter and getting a dog does a massive disservice to all parties. Clearly I have thoughts and feelings about this, and it took me awhile to be able to respond to your comment. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m saying it’s a much bigger conversation and adoption is not the easy answer to child-free people who wanted children. It’s way more complicated than that.
What does BMLEM stand for?
“ your legacy starts with you”
“ your legacy is what you set your kids up for” applause!!!!!!
there are too many children suffering out there cause of choices we make 😢
“We create art,we create homes,we create community.” 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Exactly, it's selfish to have kids without considering the situation you're bringing them into and what you can offer them. Kids need a lot more than food, shelter, clothing, and education to become stable, well-rounded adults. A lot of parents don't even consider how their words, actions, or lack there of, affect their children's mental and emotional states. It's more selfless to be childless than to bring children into the world to suffer and spread that trauma and abuse across generations.
I’ve gotten one of the most insane responses from a dude who wanted to convince me to have a kid.
“What about those in developing countries where people are struggling financially but are still having kids? If they can have kids, why shouldn’t you? You’re just being selfish.”
Different circumstances.
It’s not a matter of can (we CAN do a lot of things), it’s a matter of should. Ie: “I CAN have kids with you, but SHOULDN’T have kids with you. And I don’t want to.” Paint 💅
I never wanted kids and I'm happy without them. People who hate on child-free women are jealous of the freedom we have.💁🏽♀️✨️
I'm childfree too, and I just wanted to say you're gorgeous! ❤
@@sylvanian_taku thanks, queen 😊
No one is jealous of you :) it is in your head. All people experience freedom before having a child, it is not like you have a unique situation in life. Also, plenty of people have planned pregnancies.
Please stop the ‘jealousy’ nonsense 😊
@@santap.3257 ...lol there are plenty of people with kids who are jealous of the fact that child-free people have more free time. They hate on our vacation pics. It is pathetic!🤣
@santap.3257 Nice trolling act. If you were so happy with your picket fence, you wouldn’t be here passive-aggressively tearing other people down.
My friend was babytrapped and the moment he realised thst she was pregnant his mask fell.
He would belittle her, berate her for beinig tired and sick in first trimester, for doing his laundry wrong. He was sure he got her.
She left.
But no chance with german law to EVER leave the father of your child. He has the right to see the little girl for 50% of the time. He chose to take the weekends as this is more conveniant with his job. It totally messed wirh hers until she had to quit.
He would ask her to get back with him every friday at pick up and every sunday she would get her baby back with some random accidental injury. Her 6 month old somehow cut her own finger her 1 year old touched the hot iron, bruises, scratches etc. He made sure mom would find trace, but to never "cross the line".
Child protection service had no prove for malicious acts and just assumed he did his best but was a struggling single dad.
He would scream at the little girl in front of her mom for nothing. Once he shaved the little girls head.
In a meeting he suggested his ex come back so they can parent together as he didnt know there is lice shampoo and thought little one had lice and he did the only right thing.
She has to either let this man tourment her doughter every weekend or she comes back to try and act like a shield between them.
She had a job offer in another city, she wasnt allowed to move so she had to decline it. He has her down for the next 16 years.
Agreed.
I don't have any children (and I almost did), but my partner ended up cheating and getting another girl pregnant.
I was naive, but now that I know better, I have decided to also be conditionally child free. If my conditions aren't met, no children for you I fear.
Someone was looking out for you girlie! Blessed more than you know
@@rocketchico.2149
It recently happened (August) and it still feels very fresh and like my entire world is falling apart at the seams 😭 but I know you're right
I just need time to get over the betrayal ❤️🩹
dodged a bullet!
I knew i didnt wanna have children all my life. I am a single 28 year old & I find it funny that some people are still hell bent on proving me wrong like they know me better than I know myself. Great video and i agree with all of your points. I genuinely believe that all kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve kids!
Oh god. That's horrible... How would anyone know you better than yourself? Such people are truly annoying. Stay strong girl, we've all got each other's backs here and support our decisions ❤️sending love and blessings
@@idunablack2592 fr girl literally haha i have weird uber drivers telling me “most men will want kids”. I just laugh at this point 😂 thank you so much for your response ❤️
@@sincerelyharmz oh man🤣like it's their business and your so desperate for a guy. Sure... Whatever. Über drivers are a special sort of people
@@idunablack2592 the man had 3 kids & he was complaining about not being able to travel freely (he picked me up from the airport after my trip to Italy) - then proceeded to tell me they’re a blessing & it’d be a shame if i didn’t have them😂😂
@@sincerelyharmz lol🤣jokes on you mister
To me, "I wanna leave behind a legacy.", s just code for: I couldn't be bothered to poor into myself or do something meaningful with my life. And rather than acknowledge my own discontent or work make it dissipat. I'll have a child instead and make my personal unfulfillment their responsibility.
I feel like most of the "I want to have a legacy" people are the same people who don't pay any attention to their children unless the child ends up being successful and/or rich
Some people believe having a child and raising it correctly is indeed very meaningful. Maybe that depends on your opinion and if you are a career-orientated or community-oriented person.
@flowerfield3468 If you're raising kids to make those kids happy, then yes, I 110% agree with you. But not everyone has authentic intentions like these. I'm specifically referring to people who have kids to try to fill some emotional void in their life instead of going to therapy. I am the child of such a parent. Thankfully, the other one I was devoted to simply raising my sister and I the best she could. She wasn't perfect, but she went about it, decentering herself and contiuley striving to be better. (Even though she was already an awesome mom). I guess what I'm trying to say is that bringing children into the world for your own ego isn't meaningful or fulfilling it's selfish. Having and raising them how you're describing isn't. I hope I'm not coming off too convoluted.
@@flowerfield3468 the people in the video are definitely not capable of raising a proper child
As the daughter of parents who doesn't know how to raise a child, I am saying from this from the bottom of my heart....if you can't be emotionally, financially or physically present to your child,then don't raise one. I am dealing with daddy issues and so much worse psychological issues because of emotionally absent parents. No child deserve this. I highly resonate with everything that you have said.
You are 100% right about the court system. I should have ran when my ex husband said “I won’t feel like you’re mine until I get you pregnant” and when I tried to leave he said “even if we divorce you’re going to have to deal with me forever”, post separation abuse, using the child as a pawn, the access he has to me that he would never have otherwise… this was an important video and I’m surprised as someone who is childless knows about this stuff. You never cease to impress me, Elle!
That’s why if a man is divorced, most likely the lady divorced him and that’s 🚩 🛑 🏃🏼♀️
I went on a date with a guy who confessed - I’m technically married/separated but I’m getting a divorce bc my wife cheated on me. That may or may not be true but I ain’t stepping in that drama dump! That’s not my business and he shouldn’t be dating while he’s still married 😂 🤮
“You should be crying because you’re gonna lose me”
“If I lose you, I’ll forget you in 2 days”
45, childfree by choice, NO regrets!!✨💃 I've never liked or wanted kids, i dont see a single upside to it, kids are just Not my thing.🚫💀 I always said I wanted animals instead of kids. Everyone said I'd change my mind, but I never did- in fact my life looks pretty much exactly how I dreamed it would- unconventional life in a major city, with furbabies!!💜🐕🐈💜
thank you for sharing🤎
Goals!!
I hate it when people say oh you might change your mind like no I don't want to have kids and my decision is final
@@MayaLove777 I would rather change my mind and decide I want kids when I'm at an age where adoption is the only option than change my mind and decide I don't want kids when I'm stuck with them for life
@@run8196THIS!
I am legitimately, shook that “ conditionally child free” is a term. I thought it was common sense that you do not bring life into this world until you are financially and mentally stable. I have always felt that way legit since I was old enough to understand having to support yourself as an adult.
If you are meeting with a guy and after telling him you are childfree he tells you he will make you change your mind: run.
My mom got baby trapped twice. Trust me when I say as the eldest child, being a kid that brought together two people, it's so so awful. It's also so awful to watch it happen a 2nd time. I have always felt wanted and loved by my mother but I also feel like a mistake when I consider how deeply awful my father is and all the shit he did to me.
I feel like you can take to heart the part of this video that "lineage is not legacy". Just like our hypothetical kids are not OUR legacy, we are not our parent's legacy either. I resented being the lineage of a bad man, but with the time that I'VE had on this planet, I've been blessing others and not spreading more pain. I assume you can say the same. You're not a mistake love. As Elle would say, you have so much inherent worth and value. Hope you can feel that 🫶
My mom had at least 4 separate men attempt to impregnate her. First two times she got abortions. Third and fourth are my older brothers. I'm sure there's so many other men who tried to do it to her as well.
If only we could choose our fathers
That is my life story exactly.
@@user-fg7cd2ci9l Thank you ❤️ that really made me feel a bit better about it all 😊
They need to teach this in health class. Not abstinence, not just birth control, but actual conditions and standards, and the amount of maturity it takes to be sure you're with the right person. I just didn't have this information at 21 when I had my son. I love him very much but his dad makes life very, very hard for us. He doesn't care about the nurturing I provide. He doesn't think that's something our son needs (because he didn't get that from his own mom). He just wants me to make more money and that's my only value as a parent; helping him offset the costs. That's not a way to live. Don't have kids unless the conditions are right, ladies. I see what it does to my son and it kills me, everyday. I wake up and die everyday, that's what it's like when you become a mother under the wrong conditions. My son is what keeps me going in this existence, I would never abandon him to go through life on his own.
@GoldenBronze905more trascendental than abstinence, would be explaining the deep reasons and consequences of having a child because "nature declares it like this". Women are the ones capables of having sons/daughters. If they aren't taught well to be strong and really search for a future in this unjust world, this is only shaming advice!
I’m childfree and getting sterilized at 26 via a bilateral salpingectomy has been the greatest gift to myself. I’m a walking threat to the patriarchy! I never have to worry about getting pregnant and I can give myself the fullest, financially abundant life moreso bc I’m childfree. We are so valid in our choices as women!
@@Lili-iy3ikikr that is such a powerful line
I did the same thing this last spring. The absolute fucking relief I felt, especially with the reversal of Roe v Wade
@@mutedroar right biggest weight off our shoulders
Do you have any advice on how to get that done? I’m gay, but I’m worried about what might happen if some guy decides to r*pe me. I also have health conditions that make it impossible for me to use conventional types or birth control.
I got my tubes tied 15 years ago when I was 23. No regrets!
i wish it wasnt so expensive 😭
@@meganrose7870 i was privileged i think my dad’s sherrifs dept insurance paid for it like I don’t even remember tbh it was 15 years ago. They really let me stay on it until I was 30(this was way before the Obamacare age 26 law too) and I milked the shit out of it like sooooo many expensive things happened to me lol *sigh miss me a ppo now i have to use the medi-cal i get with my disability but I’m not complaining
A woman can't die getting married, but she can die having a miscarriage and giving birth. There are WAY more risk factors in producing another living being, then a committed relationship.
I did DMT one time with my abusive ex and everyone had beautiful soft undulating rainbows on their faces. Omg, when i turned to look at him-? It was scary how different his were. His eyes were dark and the patterns were jagged and more of the primary colors shown-
Not advocating for drugs or anything, but it felt like a coming of age at the time. I’m sure the geometric bodies I saw coming from the plants were real- the effects lasted 2 minutes at best. But it was amazing- it reminded me I know nothing about this world. It brought back a childlike wonder and it also felt like a warning about him. He really wasn’t like the others
That sends chills down my spine. Hope you are thriving and living to the fullest.
Dude your subconscious saved you right there
I know exactly what you’re talking about! I tripped acid with my narcissistic ex best friend and I had the worst time of my life. I was terrified of her.
as someone who wants to start a family its so important to pick right.. 70% of men want children.. that's a lot of BMLEM. don't let them baby trap you! HAVING KIDS WHEN U CANT PROVIDE IS DEFO MORE SELFISH THAN NOT WANTING KIDS. The crazy eyes/ evil eyes thing is real! guys look at the microexpressions.
So many men who want children want the title of being a father without the responsiblities period. How many divorced fathers claim that their evil baby mama is "keeping their child away from them" or "manipulating the kids to hate their dad" while in their whole marriage made zero effort to actually help raise the child in the first place.
@@jackadams9813💯💯💯
I would rather say that 95% men want kids but less than 50% wants to care for them. They just want the title of father and the respect and security that comes with it.
That must have been a long type-o
I think you meant to say over 70% want to have children so that they can abandon them afterwards.
what’s BMLEM?
It makes me shudder to imagine the nightmare of being pregnant with a child from at least a couple of the guys I dated. So glad that is not my reality!!!!
Before the ChildFree movement having more impact, my younger brother and I were used in the “baby trap” by my father. Years went by and I saw how awful it was for my mom to endure that kind of emotional abuse and last year my dad was so concerned on why I didn’t want to marry or to have children. I told him with the most sincerest of answers that it was because of him (he called me “lesbian” and a disgrace) because of what I saw and what we had to experience. Up until now I do not regret at all being ChildFree and anti-natalist. I do believe that anti-natalism should be considered an ethical solution to the problem of parents being unable to parent as well to avoid “baby traps.”
Been called a "lonely cat lady"my entire life just because I never saw my mentally ill ass having another (potentially) mentally ill child, when I, myself, know what I'm capable of. My bf and I have been dating for almost 3 years and both never want kids, literally so in love with the idea that it's just us two💛💛💛
10+ years with my fiance (high school sweetheart). We are never having kids. We live together with our cat. We're lucky that no accidents are possible (he can't produce sperm).
My mother was babytrapped by a literal pedophile who was abusive to her in every way possible. No babies here thanks
Elle please please make a video on narcissistic mothers and how to be a spoiled girlie and be in your feminine energy while your toxic mother tears you down. you have literally helped me so much. thank you bestie. when my own mother didn't teach me how to treat myself you did. your amazing!!!
Yes! This! One for narcissistic fathers as well who are jealous of their daughters and intentionally try to sabotage their lives.
Yes plz!!
Going no contact and going to trauma focused therapy.
Omg yes
Yes! I'm the happiest and healthiest I ever been my mom doesn't even call me now.
THIS.... THEY LOVE CALLING A WOMAN 8:35 SELFISH WHEN THEY SAY NO TO BABIES. They have been baby trapping us forever. Can't believe I am just seeing it in total 9:20 now. He called her selfish with full confidence.
I can’t begin to imagine birthing a baby for a man who isn’t my provider husband 😵💫
As a single mom of two, I was ready to feel attacked by the video but I actually agree! You can’t predict the future so the decision to have children should be based on how you’d operate during the worst case scenario. I absolutely love being a mom and have enjoyed my motherhood experience but also acknowledge that I solely have the resources, support and career trajectory that set us up for success. I also didn’t think I was baby trapped in the “traditional” sense bc I refused to be a married single mom and am not afraid to revoke access to me (parallel parenting, kids have my last name, and full custody). But I also recognize that the men at some point actually believed that the child meant we’d carry on regardless of their behavior. Sending love to all the mommas that feel alone or less than because they didn’t choose to be a single parent by choice ❤
Haha, same. I was also ready to feel attached because I do want children, but this makes so much sense and not at all against children. Sending warm hugs and blessings
I'm currently pregnant with a baby boy whom his father baby trapped me with. I love my son and am so excited to raise him and bring him into this world, but I absolutely hate his father's guts. He shamed me in the early days of pregnancy calling me lazy and sensitive, refused to commit to me despite wanting to get me pregnant, cheated on me, became controlling over what I wore and who I spoke to, belittled me and called me a slut for not wanting to be with him after months of him dragging me around emotionally, threatened to take my child away from me.... And still, 7 months later is telling me he misses me and calling me "babe" despite me clearly telling him we are not together and I am not ready for a relationship because I want to focus on my son. This is a month after he cheated on me with an unstable girl who accuses everyone around her of outlandish shit and fakes physical and mental illness for attention. I'm leaving the state and completely cutting contact with him 2 months before my son is due. If he attempts to fight me in court I have already coordinated with his past partners who recount instances of emotional, sexual and physical abuse during their time with him and are willing to speak out on why he would make an unfit parent.
I’m 38 and I’m childfree I’m happy that I didn’t have children. Yes my exes tried to trap me. I look at them now happy cause they had kids with other women and they are still bumming around figuring out life at 40 so yeah I made a great decision.
8:35 the way she explained so well and made valid point and the man still called HER selfish 😭😭😭
Child psychiatry NP here. Conditionally childfree. Great video! The message was very needed. The points about not getting baby trapped were spot on. We have a joke in my field that the kids are great to work with, the parents are the problem. So much trauma, pain, neglect, financial stress and sometimes cruelty results for these kids and some people just keep having them. It's hard to look the mom in the eye when you know they're kid is damaged and they are actively having more. Like "Bestie, wake up!!"
I also rarely have dads or male partners at appointments, I think 5 of my 350ish kids dads know my name or office at all.
Regarding the dark triage eyes, we sometimes describe their presence as "eerie" or "dead eyed" for exactly what you described. It's more like an animal sizing you up with no humanity. The worst part is seeing it in teenage boys because it has been conditioned over time and you know they are always going to be predators. Great books every woman should read: Wisdom of Psychopaths and The Gift of Fear. We have to protect ourselves and knowledge builds wisdom.
Thanks again girl! ❤
I am a mother of 2 small children and 💯 agree, I don't shame what people want, but my greatest advice is don't have kids till you are financially and emotionally stable. Unfortunately, a lot of us were uneducated and promised false support systems from family we thought were stable or promised to be there because they pressured tou to have a baby you werent ready for. dont think like how I did because it doesn't matter if your family can help or not, go in thinking no one will and achieve all your goals and for other mothers like me don't let people shame you for not being ready, stuff happens and not everyone had a great support system and it will continue to happen so roll with the punches and keep going and try your best to educate other woman and teach how to cope with your reality because kids can be a beautiful thing you just need to work really hard and you can achieve goals just requires a lot of sacrifice and time management even with a 0 support system you can make 2 hours to study a day if you quit social media's and all the stuff you enjoy on free time but its a bery hard life and I 100 support being childfree, if you choose to have kids one day you can adopt, a lot of unloved kids out there when you or if you want that later.
Omg I'm so so sorry your family pressured you to hAve kids like that! such a big thing to do and not care about how you felt and then didn't support you like they acted like they would, smh . You do sound like a wonderful person yourself and a good mom.
My family lied about support too. Thank God my husband is a hands on dad. Still we suffered at times as a couple since our focus was rightfully on our child. Our parents were asking when we were having another kid every other month, like why would we? They quickly forget what little support THEY offered up. Financially we were solid, but the time together occasionally would have been nice. All that, and some would still say " well who told you to have kids"? As though peers and parental manipulation doesn't exist...lmao. We were young, married, and happy, but that wasn't enough for the world. My only regret is that I didn't push back, I just assumed they had our best interests in mind.
I;m not sure Trysaratop the pressure to start a family literally, but at the end of the day your kids will be YOUR responsibility so I couldn't agree more on that.
What is finacially stable especially when everything is getting more expensive. i mean house cleaners arent there where they want to be? I think when you are young doctor family for example 27 years old , i think it is okay to have children because you are going to get more money throughout the years
I think my dad baby trapped my mom because she dropped out of medical school to marry his sorry behind. I can’t remember that pos ever paying for bills growing up. I wish she never met him.
Now as an adult in my early twenties, I refuse to be anything but (aggressively !) financially independent and protect myself. I’ll never listen to family members constantly asking me when I’ll be married or have kids and why I’m wasting my life away.
It’s so nice to be older, and no longer prey…to be able in fact to make males feel uncomfortable.
It's truly *chef's kiss*
Oh man this video is so true it’s scary. When I worked in family law, I saw this stuff and worse… so much worse 😣 please please listen! Abusive men use babies as a way of trapping their victims and then they use the family court to perpetuate abuse or worse, hurt and even kill the children to punish the woman for leaving. Conditionally child free is the way. My experience working in family law made me realise this. Even putting aside bad men, why should women have children with men who can’t provide? Why should you put your body and life on the line only to be forced back to work to pay the bills? Being a mother is hard work. Women should really only do it in circumstances where doing any extra work is optional and that is the hill I will die on.
Glad more women are talking about this, snd aware of men baby trapping and manipulative ways
8:31 SHE STOOD ON HER VALUES. And I agree with her in totality.
Right I was absolutely relishing that moment, on how firm and cool-headed she stood for herself. Pure integrity and character. Do you know what the show is?
She ate that shit up. And how the fuck is it selfish. It’s selfish to have kids bring them into a world where they will face, poverty, neglect, suffering and numerous other mental, emotional, and physical struggles. Nah bruh, to hell with that.
i was not expecting to cry when i clicked on this video, but that clip of the little boy talking about how he just wants his parents to play with him and love him has me absolutely sobbing. no child should ever have to think “i dont think my parents like me” and feel the need to shelter their feelings from the grown-ass adults in their lives.
my heart breaks for him and i hope hes getting allllll the hugs and snuggles ❤
I was almost baby trapped, I was in an abusive relationship, and he didn't like the word no, so when I was trying to figure out a way to leave him he was trying to have kids with me. Luckily, nothing came of it, and I got out safely.
Love this video! I am a Pisces, heavy on observing other people and the vibes. When you mentioned the eyes, I GASPED! I went on a first date a few months ago with a guy and he had MAJOR evil eyes. I ended up leaving EARLY (walking out) after the waiter (an acquaintance) also told me he gave him bad vibes. Let me reiterate, my date gave a much LARGER MAN the heebie jeebies. It was so intense that he helped me leave out the service entrance for privacy. I normally have great dates with my suitors (spoiled girlie), that reminded me to stay vigilant because the predators are out here. Long story short, vibes (and eyes) don't lie.
I’m glad you paid attention to your instincts and got away safely!!!💜
Many years ago, a mom told me that the only reason to have children is because you can't live without them. Those words have stuck with me.
Preach girl! I’m a 100% on board. Not everyone should have kids, period.
Damn bro. So glad i found this podcast. Not femcel shit. Not pick me shit. Not lovey dovey neoliberal shit. Not plastic feminism shit. True real honest woman to woman
Right!!!
I just realized my father baby trapped my mom who was a taekwondo tutor and can literally kick stronger than my dad can. She's a blackbelter that has connections with *famous* people.
And then when she met my dad she stopped everything just to work and take care of us. I feel so bad for her that's why I keep encouraging her to go back to taekwondo, because I know that she can thrive outside of her current work doing everything she wants.
wish me luck!~
I have NEVER heard a justification for why being child free is the selfish choice that does not point their own selfishness back on them
"Someone YOU can raise", "Someone YOU can have the company of and be there when YOU are old", "someone to carry YOUR family name"
Okay literally what child cares about any of that?
(If you're doing it right) Becoming a parent is deciding that you are going to be selfless for the sake of your child, and if you cant do that, you are not being selfish and subjecting another human to your whims or inability to sacrifice
The people who want to have children to "carry on their legacy" are just narcissists who see children as extensions of themselves. If their kids accomplish anything, they're gonna be the ones who want credit, but they won't take responsibility if their kids turn out to be unstable. They're the parents who see their children as props and not people with their own individual dreams and desires. They're the ones who won't let their kids be independent and make their own decisions. They're the ones who are more concerned about their own image and how their kids make them look as parents rather than actually parenting their kids and letting them have lives of their own. They're the ones who are going to push their kids to be a specific way, to have a specific career, specific hobbies, specific personality. These parents are egotistical and self-absorbed. They make my blood boil.
2:30 "you don't need to be useful to be loved"...that one hit home bestie, thank you so much 😭 sending you much love ❤👏🏻🫶🏼
Most people don't deserve kids, yet the dysfunction continues...
I'm just pure unapologetically childfree lol no condition in the world would make me want to give birth.
oh my god i so agree, especially the korean kid, my heart broke when i was watching that show. little kids have to turn into adults due to immature parents
😭😭
Love it. I’ve always been like this. I’m an only child of a single teen mom…it was rough growing up w her and it hurt to feel like a burden & struggle. I promised myself I would not put another human through that and meant it. I don’t see how that could ever be seen as selfish. A child deserves not only provision but nurturing & attention.
Until I can give one so, this womb portal is CLOSED for business. 👏🏾
BESTIE✨ YOU’RE HELPING ME HEAL! I grew up without a father & a very abusive mother with metal health issues & all my aunts have internalized the pick-me mindset because our family has a deeply patriarchal background where under the guise of hyper-independence women are expected to work outside jobs as well as at home. Thanks to you I now understand & see the internalized patterns that landed me with BBLE boys (& I always used to wonder why the relationships wouldn’t work out even though I poured in so much effort!) Now I know better and I’m unlearning a lot of these unhealthy patterns. SENDING LOTS OF HUGS😭💕✨ CHEERS TO THE SPOILED GIRLY LIFE💅💕💕
Same bestie ❤❤
So true 😮💨 I escaped an unhappy Marriage without getting Trapped 🙏🏾 It’s literally like watching the same airplane you were just about to board (but Didn’t) explode right before your eyes‼️💯🫣
thank you for sharing🤎
Wow, that's such a powerful metaphor! So happy for you that you escaped.
I've never wanted children and that will never change. I'm 24 and the pressure is strong right now. But I always knew that I wouldn't be a good mother - and every child DESERVES a good mother. I'm also terrified of the thought of going through pregnancy and giving birth. I know I'm not strong enough mentally and physicially, same with taking care of a whole other human being. It's important to make the right decision for YOU and no one else.
Yes Bestie! I myself have been Gatekeeping Humanity since last century. I learned a long time ago that more people need to stop asking themselves if they want a baby when they should ask themselves if they want to be a parent. For me, the answer is no. Also, thank you for validating the childfree choice. I really appreciate it.
thank you for sharing bestie🤎
Exactly! It's not "do you want this live baby doll who looks like you (a mini me)?" it's "do you want to be a parent for the rest of your life, knowing your child will grow to become an adult and thus your role will evolve as well?"
Exactly! It's not "do you want this live baby doll who looks like you (a mini me)?" it's "do you want to be a parent for the rest of your life, knowing your child will grow to become an adult and thus your role will evolve as well?"
Exactly! It's not "do you want this live baby doll who looks like you (a mini me)?" it's "do you want to be a parent for the rest of your life, knowing your child will grow to become an adult and thus your role will evolve as well?"
That’s a better way to ask the question if you are on the fence. Babies only last a year, parenthood is for forever
My friends say I probably scare men away by asking them about their stance on having kids on the first date, but to me this should be the first thing you ask. I love kids, I want them to be born to people who love and deserve them. I don't mind babysitting for friends or family when I'm free, but the thought of being imprisoned by motherhood makes me want to end it all, no child deserves a miserable parent taking out their anger on them. My freedom is one of the most precious things I have, as a law student I hear about so many women being put through hell by the men they had kids with I'm traumatized fr.
I’m 25, planning to get sterilized. Not subjecting another human life to the shit in the current world. The weight of another person’s life is too heavy for me, and exceeds my capacity emotionally.
TW:
Parents ‘wanted me’ but hated me for costing money. I was resented for being a “$10,000” baby because I was born sick. Struggled with self worth, jumped through hoops to get their approval. It manifested as childhood self-isolation, psychosis, and suicidality as an adult.
Wow, I’ve always been conditionally child free and child forward but never had the words for it. I never hear anyone else talk this way, I am so happy I’m not alone in this thinking
Ever since I was little my parents taught me to be VERY careful about the person I start my family with. Especially when it comes to having children. I was always avoiding situations that would put me in bad position and I always expressed this attitude of mine. People always had bad reaction to it and I was perceived as arrogant.
Some people are not allowed to have kids and I already know a couple of them. I met men and women who try to baby trap and I am literally disgusted. How can these psychos think like this?
I totally support women who want to be child free. I myself want to be childfree until I make sure, really sure that conditions in my life allow me to provide the best life possible for my children.
I cried for that poor little boy. Someone please give him hugs and love.😢😢😢