The chronic issue of Gay Loneliness | The Queerness Diaries
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- čas přidán 21. 05. 2024
- I wanted to talk today about Gay Loneliness. Many can relate to this, even back in 2017, the happiest year of my life. That Huffington Post article struck a chord with me, as someone who has always felt socially awkward, struggled with coping mechanisms in the past to fit in, and ultimately became isolated.
One of the most heartbreaking things about being gay is the lack of empathy I see from other gay men when it comes to issues with "bullying" in the community and general loneliness. Whenever this issue is brought up, there always seems to be someone trying to dismiss it by saying that feeling socially isolated comes from a sense of entitlement to men's bodies. It's as if expressing carnal desires is taboo, and we are expected not to acknowledge them. We are not doing each other any favors when gay men who are genuinely depressed and suicidal feel like they have nowhere to turn for support without being judged.
I am scared to put myself out there again after a dark period I went through from 2019-2022 after an abusive relationship. I ended up mixing medications to cope, which made me a target for someone who then got a group of friends to destroy my life in Madrid, forcing me to leave the city.
Now in Barcelona, I feel constantly rejected and scared to connect with others. I tend to overshare due to my ADHD, not realizing that I am giving too much of myself. It hurts when I realize that to them, I am just an acquaintance and they don't truly acknowledge me. I used to think it was karma for how I handled the situation with the group of guys who harassed me, but now I see that I am just used to rejection and loneliness, making it seem impossible to find new friends in Barcelona.
I felt the need to speak out about this, as hosting a podcast about mental health requires me to be true to myself, and I am finding myself in a dark place these days. I always put a smile to people in work, engage with people in my podcasts, try and put on the facade to the world that I am doing okay, but truthfully I am not. I feel like I´m back in the darkest times of Covid, when I was isolated from everyone in a studio apartment and used Benzos and Antidepressants to just drown out the world, only I worked through using that as a coping mechanism already.
It feels like I am reliving that era all over again, but this time with a painful awareness. I was in such a dark place back then that I didn't want to remember those days. Now, I long to start a new chapter and cultivate emotionally supportive friendships. However, after giving my all this past year, I can't shake the feeling of not belonging and the fear of being alone forever. I created a video to better explain these emotions because I know many of you have experienced this as well. It's been so heavy pretending to be happy when, in reality, I have endured a homophobic attack, harassment from former friends, and the lingering trauma of an abusive relationship that still haunts me.
I feel like the discussions in the community we need to have more of are the ones that hit deep. I've lost myself and many people in my life, and I yearn to start a new chapter. But it feels like I'm trapped in a never-ending cycle, like I'm back in school with walls closing in on me sometimes. And so, here I present, the raw emotions behind the mask I am so used to using as a chameleon in this world..
The opening two minutes could not have described my life any better.
I've never seen your content before but I'm so glad you popped up in my feed and that I watched this whole video. I've never resonated more with an online stranger's story before. You are absolutely right that SO MANY people are struggling with this. It's so difficult in the world, especially post-2020 and ESPECIALLY in the gay community to find meaningful connection and conversation. It's easy to find hooks up and people to party with but that is not fulfilling and just leaves us craving real connection even more and feeling lonelier. Please don't ever apologize for sharing your truth and don't ever feel like you're being "depressing" or "too much". I hope that you remove yourself from the lives of anyone who makes you feel like a burden or doesn't show up for you the way you do for them. I know that's so hard when we want to remain connected to what we have and what's familiar but believe me when I say that that is how you reprogram those limiting thoughts about yourself. Those type of one-sided relationships only reinforce the negative thought. Releasing them is how you show YOURSELF that you are worth more effort deserve to be treated as a priority the way you do for others. It also makes room for the people who are going to treat you well to come in to your life. I too wish there were a better or easier way for us to find each other and connect but maybe if enough of us want it, we will develop a way.
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I definitely relate that since covid, the disconnect has just been so big and all I have is the nostalgia for pre covid days for the simpler times. You are so right, I had to accept that my friendships here were surface level and I was investing emotionally into people that only cared to talk about sex, parties and gay events which is fine...but outside of the nightlife/scene they were never there, I realised when anything negative happened in my life none of them checked in whilst I was always there for them, and so gradually I distanced myself and noticed if I didn´t message they never messaged, so that was the confirmation I needed to have to do a reset and start over here.
@@TheQueernessDiaries exactly! So glad you made that decision and hope you understand that they have their own issues preventing them from connecting on a deeper level and showing up for you the way you need. They're (probably) not bad people and it's DEFINITELY not because you aren't good enough or worth the effort. You're just not at the same place and thus incompatible but we all want connection so we settle. Please don't go chasing the good old days! It only gets better! ☺️🌄❤️🔥 czcams.com/video/x71dDdmJaPk/video.htmlsi=8fCL3BQ-APFamaSD
Hey man…Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and I applaud you for being self aware. I experienced this and the loneliness still comes and I’ve been single for quite a while now and it’s hard specially with the gay male community to find connections and even dating. But pls be strong and don’t loose hope and stay true to you and don’t be afraid to set your boundaries and lean into your self worth regardless of how alone we feel… the right people will come along eventually. Sending love❤
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I can relate with the gay dating world, I think setting my boundaries is what has caused this loneliness as I am so careful of who is genuinely coming into my life, which can be make it isolating, but hopefully rewarding for the future!
I love this sweetie. You are an open book and one of the reasons why I conncet so well with you is because everything you say makes so much sense. Loneliness is one of the biggest issues nowadays and internet is not helping.
Thanks so much hun
I think this is more common than we think, I do emphatise with you and feel the same way at times. Since having dogs though, I have been thinking of it less and diverted my focus on me and my dogs, the people that are there, and hopefully, the right people or friends will come to my life one day.
Yes I think having pets definitely helps! I miss my cats in England a lot sometimes but have a kitten here to look after to.