Dr. Ray Self teaches on dealing with controlling people in this Christian Counseling mini-lesson from www.icmcollege.org - The International College of Ministry.
I spent 55 years doing what everyone else "wanted" me to do. I'm done. I'm retired now & I set the rules to live my life as I please. Finally, freedom and also setting strong boundaries.
I like how he articulates himself. It seems to me controlling people often have a personality disorder. So, often, the person trying to change them doesn't realize it's not a choice so they attempt in vain to appeal to their good judgement when in reality you're up against a robot.
Because they prey and pry for any weakness you may have so they trigger you and so you think somehow it’s because of you that whatever happened happened. When deep down we intuitively know who and what they are... see it for what it is and liberate yourself from the controllers in your life
Controlling people also think they know it all. I can't stand people like that. People who think they know it all never learn since they never listen to anyone else and therefor never really learn anything new. They are the most closed minded people.
so true...this is my boss at work - I'm looking for ways/tools to learn how to best interact with these types so I do not allow them to muss my peace of mind...its a shame when its your boss bcs you cannot have a sit down conversation with them/be honest when you know from past interactions you are only poking the beast and you are forced to sit there and take it in fear of being fired or otherwise penalized for your forthrightness.
Yes this is very correct! They seem to feel like they can dictate your life and control every aspect of it but when you stand up for yourself and show them any sign of confrontation they play the guilt trip and try to portray themselves as victims when that is NOT the case that is pure mental abuse at it’s worse
Hallelujah 🌹👍. My partner is very controlling and depressed. Every couple of months she gets into her anger fits. All hell breaks loose, she call all the shots, everyone is out to get her and are thieves and diseased too. But she doesn’t have the narcissistic traits, probably with controlling and wants to be right, she doesn’t have all traits because she doesn’t fall into that category. She doesn’t want entitlement, attention, she said she is a no body. She had to grow up fast, lost her parents at a young age and was raised by anyone who would raise her. Now she found some one to truly loves ❤️ her, she attacks that in her manic depression fits. I guess that saying goes you really hurt the one you love ❤️ 😪. She is a doozy super manic depression person if I ever seen one. Lord help her 😇🌹👍
Therapists dwell on family is important, family is important. IT IS A LIE! Family can be the most toxic source ever and they are no more necessary in your life than the town drunk!
I am a controlling person and I can say we suffer a lot from being too critical/non-accepting. Because in my case, it is all based in fear or my vanity. We need a lot of help to see our mistakes and change. I want to change. And other controlling people should want to change as well.
My friend is very controlling and I didn't pick this up until later on. You can't tell him nothing, tries to order me around, conversations in his favor, always in competition, mostly downplays what I say and just so full of himself. It gets very irritating and I can't stand it. That's why I distance myself from him. He tried to ask me one time if I wanted to be his roommate and I told him HELL NO.
@@pigpink1971 Being married to a controller can be very difficult obviously. I think the best thing is to set healthy boundaries. Understand that it is their problem and do not take it on his your problem. Realize that they're going to be frustrated when they're not able to manipulate you the way they want. But again that is their problem. It is their issue, try not to make it your issue. Many times with the controller there are certain moments in time when they are open to hear the truth. At that point try to tell them exactly what you are feeling and ask them to get help. It may be difficult for them to ask for help because most controllers feel like they are absolutely correct in all that they do. Try to focus on yourself and take care of yourself to the best of your ability. I would also pray for God to open up their eyes so they can see what's really going on in their own heart. I hope this helps.
@@karenk3593 I agree that consistency is important, It can be frustrating and tiring being around them. We still must love them but try not to enable their destructive behavior.
I had to detach from my sister seven years ago. She has been so controlling and condescending as far back as I remember, and she treated me like a maid, bullied me and was always wanting to use my credit. My family ended up filing bankruptcy because of her mooching, and I haven't spoken to her since. I am so much better off without her in my life. You wouldn't believe the jobs she has been fired from because she wanted to control everyone around her and spent so much time watching what they were doing and micromanaging them she never completed her own work. She will not seek therapy, and she is never wrong in her mind. I can't deal with this anymore.
Sounds like a total narcissist who may have borderline personality disorder. I've been cutting people left and right as I'm nearing sixty. My self esteem has been mangled by bullies aka, controlling types, narcs, gaslighters so much that I cannot afford it. I don't have the time, money or energy anymore. They are dangerous to you in many ways. My friend married a woman who was borderline. She ended up in prison.......
Ignoring the controller doesnt help! Allowing them to contiue to talk to you in a condescending manner doesnt help! You need to not enable them. And stay calm and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. The problem wont go away on its own!
Hiltz0007 so true I agree it’s an either all or nothing with or without no in between because even a small dose of a perpetrator is harmful inflicting and controlling free yourself of control emancipation
Hiltz0007 HALLELUJAH 🌹. You are so right. Because I think 🤔 ignoring only shows them they can do it again. Ignoring is for lame asses who doesn’t want to deal with it and walk away. Like my example is if you ignore a fire 🔥 on your stove top and ignore it it will get out of control and burn up your house 🏡. So don’t ignore that is just and excuse for that fire to get out of control and get the upper hand.😉
Remember, if you’re not sure if the person you’re dealing with is controlling, just by you clicking on this video and watching it can actually confirm that who you are dealing with is indeed controlling
You are so right, as soon as someone tells me what i 'should' do I know they are saying it out of fear & I don't feel safe or loved unconditionally and I am very strong about putting in boundaries in straightaway. I don't do people pleasing anymore. When people allow me to be me but lovingly give suggestions, I am much more likely to take them on board. Because at the end of the day, my Higher Power knows whats best for me and that connection is my priority. I only have one life and no one has the right to try control me if I don't let them
i'm at the edge of a friendship with a VERY controlling person. I am so glad i watched. thank you so much for the advice Dr. Ray Self. I finally know what i've been dealing with all this time and how to solve it.
Thank you! I believe that my willingness to help others is mistaken as weakness thus I attract controllers who want to control me. What you have said has given me peace and knowledge on how to deal with them. I will pray that they get the help they need too.
There's a difference between giving people advice and telling them what they should be doing with their lives. No one should pop into my life and tell me how to live it. Sometimes our lives are put on hault for a specific reason. It doesn't necessarily mean we're being punished. I'm growing emotionally and spiritually. I'm not missing out on a darn thing. I don't need strangers telling me what I should be doing. Walk a mile in my shoes and say it again lol
Guilt, shame, manipulative. External focus, avoid their pain Self righteuness. Fix another person. SHOULD, OUGHT, NEED! You can not control, the controler! Not enable, comply Allow them to take the consequences of their actions!
This is a really good video. I was a part of a ministry in which the director became very controlling. I was verbally and spiritually abused for saying that they were wrong. It was sick. I left, but the worst part is that I see everybody around the director become just like him--controlling.
How to deal with a controlling - or a more appropriate word is dominating - people is a smaller issue. Just don't give in to their wishes, be firm, be yourself. I know it requires some courage but that's the only way to deal with them. Actually what I find more challenging is how to identify such people during initial interactions with them when usually they try to be nice and their ugly traits do not come out. It could be anyone, say a new guy or girl you are dating or someone you are interviewing for job, or a new neighbor, anyone. I feel dominating traits (and its primary source is the high ego I think) is an integral part of their personality, and more often than not it is very difficult to change. So given a choice I would rather avoid getting close or friendly with such people rather than dealing with them much later when it becomes bit complicated.
l have a family member that does this to me. When they think I have wronged them, I get the silent treatment for weeks that turn into months. It has been this way forever, and has demented me to the point of suicide. It is happening now, and with Christmas coming I am very sad and afraid. Over the years it has led me to hate Christmas totally. I feel though it would be hard, I should finally disconnect from them altogether. I know many would say that is not wise with family, but I feel exhausted with nothing left to lose.
there are a couple very destructive/abusive/manipulative people in my family - including my mom (who I've lived with a total of 5 years of my life)...when she/they came back into my life, I went in with an open heart and let the past go - giving it a fresh start...it wasn't 'too long before the mental abuse started again - similar to what you write. You cannot pick your family...bcs they are family i think we should give them more slack/chances BUT if they are hurting your soul, there is nothing wrong with simply walking away. otherwise you spend your life running yourself in circles trying to please people who in some part enjoy what they are doing to you - enjoy the power. I have other blood family who are very healthy to be with - and friends that are literally like family. You do not need to scrape and beg and pray that things will get better when its completely up to the other person. you cant control that...walk away and those who are strong and truly care about you will still make a point of being in your life.
Having spend the last month all alone with me-some delicious Foods -three candles and the Internet.I just talked to neighbours I met outside when Shopping for Food-and some People in the internet-and some abusive relatives on the phone.And do you know what !?I found peace and did not die !!!! Despite having no Kids and just escaped a 16 year long abusive partnership I felt good.Sometimes a bit of Depression came up-but I just went on-always doing something -even if it was just making a nice cup of herbal tea.I did not fell abandoned of the world as I had been afraid of - this was a surprise to me and I will always remembering this.I cannot tell reasons for it - and hey, I cried a lot for all the losses I had to have in my life-but,nothing bad happened....it was not easy at any given minute ,but most of the time I was !But, of course I do not have the intentions to spend the rest of my life in seclution-but this was what I just needed-and it was a wonderful experience plus a rest I really have deserved I do think.Generally I would suggest to everyone just s l o w d o w n ! ! ! !
I find that Controlling people will give the SILENT TREATMENTS BIG TIME. Not because they are Narcissistic, but non-narcissistic people can do this. My partner does the silent treatments when she gets into her anger fits, like a spoiled brat who doesn’t get her way. Then when she comes down off it BEGS AND BEGS LIKE A SAD PUPPY 🐶 DOG. I pray for her. Do I ever pray for her 😇🙏
Goodness. I have a relative who is so controlling and prone to angry outbursts that I loathe to be around him because he puts me on edge. But, I *LOVE* his children and want so much to be around them; I also feel a lot of sympathy for them and concern for them because of his controlling behavior. Such a pickle to be in. I'm going to try to keep your points in mind.
This is such a great video!!! Thank You!!!! 😊. I worked with a controller and because I’m nice , I guess I would enable them. But then I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Never again! I will stand my ground!!!
FINALLY !!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, For years I have not known how to handle a person who always wants to control people & situations. He is a male friend who wants more than I can give. I did not want to hurt his feelings, his heart is in the right place, but it is too much emotionally & I am so worn out. So much so, I have not talked with him in nearly 3 months & he just lives down the street. He has raised his voice to me way too many times & it scares me. I needed a break.
Dear Sir, I just had the realization that I have a friend who is of controlling personality and this video has literally given me the greatest armor to deal with such personality. I should agree that he is going to suffer as a consequence, but I will be getting out of his way and watch him suffer in his own hell. Thank you very much for this video again!!!!
You speak from my heart. How are you doing today? It's always 2 a few steps forward, a few steps back again... so exhausting... but I am definitely not going back.
I do agree with the statement that controlling people do not wish to focus on themselves and/or their failures in life. Instead, they want to occupy their time by telling others "what they should be doing". And yes, you can not control the controller. However, we can opt out not to interact with them.
I have forwarded this onto my sister as she is struggling more than myself with this. I have learned to distance myself a few years back and am aware of what is happening within our family. I will no longer be emotionally controlled. Yet I still feel the need for great attention from my partners. Meaning to make me feel like I am a good person, etc. Soooo much more to my story! Just loved this clip and thank you!
Hi Natalie! Thank you for sharing the video! Why do you feel that you need them to make you feel like you are a good person? Is there someone who has made you feel like you're not? The first step is to forgive whoever has accused you and made you feel "less than" in the past. Forgive them completely and release their words. Then, ask God (do you pray?) to fill your mind with His thoughts so that you no longer live under the opinion of others or someone else, but can walk in the freedom that comes through Jesus Christ! I'm praying for you right now! You're so brave!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this! I left a career in nursing due to the bullying, (as 56 -66% of new grads do, which is the real cause of the nursing shortage). I then found a job I love working in a homeless shelter. But over half the staff there is made up of very hostile, controlling, manipulative women. So even though I'm casual, and not obligated to take any shifts at all, I dread checking my phone when I wake up, because they are hostile that I have the audacity to sleep. Thanks again!
I was laughed at by a nurse when I almost rear ended a car bc I was zoning out after working an overnight shift all I’m saying is nurses can be nasty girls who just want a paycheck
Thank you so much. They shamed me in to thinking what I believed in was wrong. I feel much better now for putting myself first .I fled from the conversation and I felt guilty for it
You speak from my heart. How are you doing today? It's always 2 a few steps forward, a few steps back again... so exhausting... but I am definitely not going back.
@@theforeigner6988it's definitely taken time to heal from the situation because they were very dear to me. I love them from a distance now but I'm much happier. Always surround yourself with loving people, it makes the difference 💜
You are so accurate to say that controlling people are living externally. I got married to a man before falling in love and he always steppef on my toes and I kept sacrificing in order to heal him inside and after 6 years I an completely broken and rotten inside that even I can't love my child enough. Just want to get out of this and don't know how?
This is a particularly brilliant video. Dr really hitting the nail on the head about 'enabling'. To allow controllers to suffer their own co sequences really switched on a light in my soul thank you!
my dad is like this. even to the smallest detail he forces people. it's almost dinner, then he assumes I'm hungry. Then if I didnt come eat with them, he shouts and says "IT'S DINNER COME EAT! I COOKED THIS, IT'S DELICIOUS!" I said no but he forced me to taste so I tasted it. I said to myself it's not good. But because he cooked it, he assumed everyone should say his dish is delicious.....this person needs to be pleased all the time. Oh my....no wonder all his workmates are yes men.
Atleast you don't have to say 'no' 10 times as an adult to not eat a snack or something els. No does not seems to exist in these people's vocabulary unless you want something. It never changes. Once such a person can get in the control room of your head, they will hijack the entire system
This is one of our Supervisors, it can become very stressful! ! I can go through a whole shift of expectations and demands and feel accomplished at the end of the day! then it takes 3 minutes for this guy to put me in a huge bad mood and I find myself so angry on the way home! ! he seriously needs help!
Remember it is he that needs help. Take your focus off of him. It is actually his personal problem. Just do not allow it to become your problem. I know that is easier said than done. But that is the best thing to do,
Thank you for your talk. Control freaks are a pest within all levels of society. The Apostle Paul’s advice to Apollos is worth following, ie, "Now concerning Apollos, the brother, I strongly urged him to come to you with the brothers, and it was not at all his desire to come now; but he will come when he has an opportunity." 1 Corinthians 16:12. So, the Great Apostle Paul was gracious enough to allow Apollos the freedom to make up his own mind; at the right time.
It's challenging. Like you said, you can easily fall into the same snares they are in via gossip and reacting. I've noticed a tell tale sign is that these people (which I very much used to be) have a lot of dissension in their lives. Have been delivered I am now having to deal with someone like this in my life. They are not satisfied with calming the waters. They want you to agree with them and get mutually enraged. I feel like the only peace to be found is walking away from this person- who will likely try to turn their pack against me. Thank GOD I am not defined by man but by Jesus and God the father as he is my creator. If you see this, please pray for me. It's been causing me distress. I know this friendship is not right in my life. And I'm praying for Godly friends to enter into my life.
So true... however, you cannot get rid of difficult, manipulative controllers when they are a member of your family. You offered good advise: do not enable them, not by going head to head but kindly disagreeing and making them aware of what it is they are doing. You offered lots of jewels on this one
I'm happy you found this inspiring! You're right, the situation may vary but the ground rule is the same: forgive them, and then set healthy boundaries. Just because they're a family member does not mean you need to be subject to their abuse. Boundaries are key! :)
ICMCollege Yes, agree, if they are family, boundaries have to be set I found it so inspirational that I embedded your video in one of my logs linking2yourhealth on blogspot
Why not? Just cause they are related doesn't mean they should be offered special treatment. You must do what is best and healthy for you. Like one might fit their own oxygen mask first on an aeroplane, you must ensure you are doing what is right for you first and foremost
You can get them out of your life, and if they are toxic to the point of ruining your life, interferring with your family and your home peace, they need to go on no uncertain terms. Trespass them if you have to!
Right on. I agree with what you have expressed here. Wonderful job in communicating. Thank you!Controlling kinds of people are searching for a 'mini version' or a 'mini-me' of themselves. I believe that a lot of this kind of behavior is connected to past traumas, of which the person has not yet dealt with. (I have had my share of controlling behaviors come against me in my life). There is little use in trying to negotiate with this kind of behavior. What you can do, however, is change how you respond to this person (who 'acts out in this way), by gradually implementing new boundaries and guidelines that you live by. Controlling-type behaviors are usually linked to harsh and judgmental behaviors. (No surprise here!) (the person, whether consciously or subconsciously, are oftentimes perpetrating upon another, the VERY THING that happened to them at some time). Understanding where this person is coming from is VITAL! Because this will determine YOUR OWN behavior, and will keep you from falling into the same traps & power struggles. Prayer works wonders as well! (as the Good Dr. says). Understanding that 'fear' is what's beneath the controlling person's behavior/tactics, can help you to BEGIN to CHANGE HOW YOU DEAL with this person. Appeasing or resisting...in the long term...will NEVER WORK. Ultimately, it is how.....YOU MUST CHANGE,...if you're to deal with this person EFFECTIVELY! If there is a threat of physical violence, then you may not want to do what I have suggested here. (in which case, I strongly suggest getting some kind of outside help asap). Peace & Prayers to all. Elise aka Godgirl.
Wow praise God. What an on time word! I've never heard such words of truth spoken with such clarity, especially on this subject... May God continue to reveal to you words for the people... Thanks Doc and God Bless.
thank you for sharing this wisdom.....I did find myself trying to fix and control the controller and all I got was affliction and abuse... thank you and God bless for this wise counsel
THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! I need to learn not to trigger the vampires to run after me even more. I am an aspiring minister, been a song leader for 30+ years and have melded with my fathers and mothers in the faith, and this is my biggest problem.
I think you are simply seeing the obvious problem. Exposing a controlling person normally will get a negative reaction and sometimes even more control as they try to keep their power and manipulation going. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth just do not have any expectations that can set you up for disappointment.
I have people around me that are controlling. My sister for example always says it is ridiculous for you to do this, that way and she goes ahead and does it the way she wants but she said to me that I refuse to do it her way maybe because I was a ceo but I told her I behave like that because I am not given a chance to explain why I proposed that way. So I just keep quiet especially because I love in her house. Indeed she puts pressure me to comply and she implements it,
My roommate is passive aggressive and controlling. She has to have everything in the apartment her way, has to shut the patio door if I have it open, turns the thermostat how she likes it etc. She lied and said she didn't smoke but she does. I didn't know all this when I moved in with her bc she put on an act. She also drinks daily and when she gets drunk and hung over she gets even more controlling, mocks me and gives me the silent treatment. I can't wait til my lease is up but I'm thinking of subleasing my room to get away from her.
Roommates can make a living situation very difficult and I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope the teaching may have shed some light on how to navigate this situation for you. I will be praying for a quick resolution for you!
My sister is my bully. We are 48 yrs. old. She’s my twin. She was bullied by our older brother. He left to go live with the father at age 11. She has been my bully ever since. Physical till about age 23, mental afterwards. She does this thing called gaslighting; look it up. She seems to do it subconsciously but I think she’s done it semi-deliberately a couple of times. When I point this out to her she goes super crazy and denies it upside down the other and blames me for it. That’s when I knew, oh boy, there is something seriously wrong with her brain. She does not have narcissism nor borderline personality disorder. She’s controlling but she’s also bullying. She has to be right all of the time. She’ll start fights and stick at it all day long and stupid me argues it back in defense. I thought that if I used her own medicine on her she’d get a clue and knock it off but she doesn’t. She’s a fun, intelligent person to hang around with and then, bam, she’s a snake and will bite you. She asks to hear your problems then she’s sick and tired of hearing your problems so you decide not to give her information but then she’ll bring up the thing that she’s so called sick and tired of. Then you respond falling for the trap and then, bam, she attacks you again. You finally decide to hang around her but not give her information about your life but conversation goes so well that you do because it’s natural; then, bam she attacks you when you didn’t do nothing but ask for her to clarify what she is talking about and she yells at you acting like you’re stupid. That was the last straw. I finally figured it out. She likes to stir the shit pot and eat it too. I don’t know the psychology behind it and I may never find out but my analogy is 100% correct. She and her long time disfunctional relationship with a man is the same. They both scored the same on the narcissis scale even though both are not narcissist. They just have some tendencies. They both are controlling. He doesn’t care about her and she has low self esteem. There’s only one way to fix this. Do not socialize with them. You have to cut it off. Sad because she’s a fun person. But not good for my self esteem. It must be a wrong brain wiring from childhood. A competition and trying to be on top. Trying to be the dominator. Trying to get the best gifts. Keeping you low so that she is high. That’s the only thing that I can figure. And since this wiring happened in child hood, she cannot and will not see it and change which makes it seem narcissistic but clearly she is not. So it’s weird. They walk among us, lol! Some people hurt others and they feel better about themselves. That must feel good so much so that they do not want to give it up so therefore they justify it and blame someone or something else for their bad behavior.
Wow! I am very sorry that you have lived thru this. You seem, to have a very good handle on this. I applied your insight! Obviously you cannot fix her. You realize very clearly what is going on so you should be able to set some healthy boundaries. I have a sister who has done more to hurt me than any person I have ever known. She thinks she is a master manipulator. She can be very sweet and wonderful to be around and when I least expect it she will say something very mean or cruel. The gaslighting problem you mentioned is weird and it sounds very sick. (I did look it up.) There are two things you can do. One is limit your exposure to her to the amount of time that you know you can handle. I do that with my sister. I found that I can handle her in small does. The other thing is to pray for her and turn her over to God and let Him handle her. I know that the answer is not easy or simple. God bless you
Thank you for your response. I’m doing more and more research on this and there is some healing I’m going to need to do. I have to reprogram some of my belief systems, self esteem, assertiveness and learn healthy boundaries. I don’t remember what I wrote above but some people have narcissistic tendencies. There’s a term called, narcissistic supply. That means they “ feed “ off of you to make themselves feel better. Then there’s the term, defense mechanism, which to some degree we all have adapted to deal with stress. There’s so much that I’m going to have to learn and do. It’s best to cut off bad relationships and not start new ones till you get a grip on what’s going on inside of you so you don’t invite this in anymore. I hope this helps someone out there.
I lived with a controlling person for years, the only thing that really helped me break off the relationship was to notice the "I'm always right, you're always wrong" kind of attitude. As soon as my ex told me she's always right, I immediately knew there was something wrong. I prayed when I was in that relationship, it didn't do jack, the only thing that helped me was to put physical distance between me and her as well as emotional distance, also, talking to others about it helped a lot as well. If you tell someone else how you feel when the controlling person says one thing or another, they may be able to see things you cannot see when you're in that relationship. Best wishes everyone.
New subbie this is so good thank you I experience this is my family Father sister aunt man in pass relationships etc. I love them from afar pray for them and leave them alone and enjoy my life. Thank you again God Bless
Thank you. That was needed sense the parent I loved and depended on the most is very controlling. It made me realise that I'm stronger than my parent. Even if it means losing good and bad emotions. I gained knowledge my armour and strength my sword. It's hard to make friends and trust them it's also hard to talk to my parent sometimes. Most of the time I'm wrong. I have no life. Thank you dear mom. I'm going to suffer with cruelty of the real world when it's time for you to go. The cycle goes on...
Jay, The cycle can be broken by you. You can choose today not to define your self by your painful past with a controlling mother. She had a personal problem which was hers alone. Unfortunately she had a detrimental effect on you. But choose to let her go (with love) and redefine your self according to what God says about you. He calls you as loved, acceptable, valuable and worthy. It is not easy but your past does not have to control you any longer
thank you so much! the external focus was a great key. It's really hard to deal with these people unless you can understand and i have spent so much time trying to figure out what you just said in a few words. very helpful subscribed and thumbs up
this video is helpful for me to identify why i never feel Happy in my 5 years relationship, i was controlled by almost everything in my life,i was told you should,need, ought to do this way, it's a good way ........,Thank you Doctor for this wonderful message!!
You are so correct they get more frustrated, avoid their own issues and use action discharge mode of functioning due to their lack of insight judgment and a ton of other ego functions. They need to control those around them to see themselves as o.k. or good through the eyes of others. They cannot self validate.
My roommate is a controlling type though, the way he goes about it is to attack your ego and then tell you what you should do... I'm pretty sure he's aware of it because when I give him the don't-f*ck-with me look, he'll stop. To deal with toxic people is to understand what they want from you, what they're trying to get you to do. Like my roommates want me to help them get a social life and after realizing they won't get what they want through bullying, they keep themselves in check. They try to be nice, give me my space, in hopes I'll invite them to a party or hook them up with club benefits... If you understand what they want from you, you do have some power. For example my roommates want a social life so I'd state, people like people who make them feel good and nobody feels good when you attack their egos and criticize them, then tell them how they should live their lives. Nobody likes it when you tell them what they're doing wrong, especially when they didn't ask. Now they're both trying to prove that they can be good nature and fun - though I know it's in their nature to be bullies so... I let them have their false hopes, instead of fighting with them - I just play a long like maybe, one day... I'll invite you (I really won't though)
WOW! This was very good for me. I recently re-connected with a man from my past. Re-connecting with him was very revealing to me as to why things didn't work out before. The same reasons the relationship didn't work this time. He was a controlling man when I knew him at 20. As a strong woman, a man cannot control me and will become very frustrated when he tries. This man is even more controlling now. He literally, nearly had a stroke in his efforts to control me.
Thank you Dr., this was a very well explained. I like your tone, most you-tubers speak to loud and too fast, almost like screaming, you kept it pleasant to listen.
I spent 55 years doing what everyone else "wanted" me to do. I'm done. I'm retired now &
I set the rules to live my life as I please. Finally, freedom and also setting strong boundaries.
I like how he articulates himself. It seems to me controlling people often have a personality disorder. So, often, the person trying to change them doesn't realize it's not a choice so they attempt in vain to appeal to their good judgement when in reality you're up against a robot.
"One of the most frustrating things that we have to do in life is to deal with controlling people": you're 100% right. They are unbearable.
Makes Life a Living Hell.....OO!
Too unbearable. Fallback and Distance from them.
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normally a controlling person will say (from experience) is "i'm not controlling, im just trying to help you".
LOL, yes they do more often then not. I know my mom is like that.
Couldn't state it better
or I am not trying to control you, I am just making suggestions.
True. It’s one thing to make a suggestion but if you are getting mad when they don’t do what you want then that’s you being controlling.
@@sunshine-sm6nf suggestions you are not allowed to refuse.
They are energy vampires, they don't listen. Trying to explain your opinion to them is exhausting and leaves you confused and they enjoy it.
Exactly! I hate being around her because of this.
I would argue that they are worse than vampires and cut to the chase that they are purely evil
Many people waste years of their lives blaming themselves for what a bullying control freak did. I did.
Same here
Amen I did that for while.
Because they prey and pry for any weakness you may have so they trigger you and so you think somehow it’s because of you that whatever happened happened. When deep down we intuitively know who and what they are... see it for what it is and liberate yourself from the controllers in your life
Same... .
Bless you all. Life is ahead of you, always has been. So is happiness, for you to take. All along after all…
Controlling people also think they know it all. I can't stand people like that. People who think they know it all never learn since they never listen to anyone else and therefor never really learn anything new. They are the most closed minded people.
What you said is spot on.
so true...this is my boss at work - I'm looking for ways/tools to learn how to best interact with these types so I do not allow them to muss my peace of mind...its a shame when its your boss bcs you cannot have a sit down conversation with them/be honest when you know from past interactions you are only poking the beast and you are forced to sit there and take it in fear of being fired or otherwise penalized for your forthrightness.
I am like this
Yes this is very correct! They seem to feel like they can dictate your life and control every aspect of it but when you stand up for yourself and show them any sign of confrontation they play the guilt trip and try to portray themselves as victims when that is NOT the case that is pure mental abuse at it’s worse
Hallelujah 🌹👍. My partner is very controlling and depressed. Every couple of months she gets into her anger fits. All hell breaks loose, she call all the shots, everyone is out to get her and are thieves and diseased too. But she doesn’t have the narcissistic traits, probably with controlling and wants to be right, she doesn’t have all traits because she doesn’t fall into that category. She doesn’t want entitlement, attention, she said she is a no body. She had to grow up fast, lost her parents at a young age and was raised by anyone who would raise her. Now she found some one to truly loves ❤️ her, she attacks that in her manic depression fits. I guess that saying goes you really hurt the one you love ❤️ 😪. She is a doozy super manic depression person if I ever seen one. Lord help her 😇🌹👍
Letting someone manipulate and control you is to give them the place of God in your life.
So true-people come and go, God doesn't
Very true. God wants to be our focus
Break their face
lowcarbkitchen ,if YOU let them
don't mean go egocentric, all bout me, buy me stuff make me feel good...forgot my point U.S. elected trump
this is why I live alone, my family is very much controlling and manipulative 😝
me too! :) i am free 2 just b me (crazy happy!)
Azuleé Iñaki hang in there I know how you feel I have no family I disowned them! I've made others my family
Azuleé Iñaki yo like mines it s crazy n insane
Therapists dwell on family is important, family is important. IT IS A LIE! Family can be the most toxic source ever and they are no more necessary in your life than the town drunk!
For a peaceful mind, youre right.
I am a controlling person and I can say we suffer a lot from being too critical/non-accepting. Because in my case, it is all based in fear or my vanity. We need a lot of help to see our mistakes and change. I want to change. And other controlling people should want to change as well.
I hope you've changed by now ~ controlling people are too self centered .
My friend is very controlling and I didn't pick this up until later on. You can't tell him nothing, tries to order me around, conversations in his favor, always in competition, mostly downplays what I say and just so full of himself. It gets very irritating and I can't stand it. That's why I distance myself from him. He tried to ask me one time if I wanted to be his roommate and I told him HELL NO.
My suggestion to you is leave your friend. This people are pure evil. You gotta be hardcore with this people
E Boogie good for you to leave him .
Controllers definitely have a problem the best thing we can do is just let it be their problem and not ours
Or beat the shit out of them
What do you do if you are married to one!!?
Your comment about them being frustrated is very true.
@@pigpink1971 Being married to a controller can be very difficult obviously. I think the best thing is to set healthy boundaries. Understand that it is their problem and do not take it on his your problem. Realize that they're going to be frustrated when they're not able to manipulate you the way they want. But again that is their problem. It is their issue, try not to make it your issue. Many times with the controller there are certain moments in time when they are open to hear the truth. At that point try to tell them exactly what you are feeling and ask them to get help. It may be difficult for them to ask for help because most controllers feel like they are absolutely correct in all that they do. Try to focus on yourself and take care of yourself to the best of your ability. I would also pray for God to open up their eyes so they can see what's really going on in their own heart. I hope this helps.
@@karenk3593 I agree that consistency is important, It can be frustrating and tiring being around them. We still must love them but try not to enable their destructive behavior.
EXACTLY. That is the best advice ever.
I work in a boys home and there's a kid in there whose level of control is something I've never seen. This has helped me so much, thank you.
I had to detach from my sister seven years ago. She has been so controlling and condescending as far back as I remember, and she treated me like a maid, bullied me and was always wanting to use my credit. My family ended up filing bankruptcy because of her mooching, and I haven't spoken to her since. I am so much better off without her in my life.
You wouldn't believe the jobs she has been fired from because she wanted to control everyone around her and spent so much time watching what they were doing and micromanaging them she never completed her own work. She will not seek therapy, and she is never wrong in her mind. I can't deal with this anymore.
Amen. I don't know how to fix them by talking to them but I do know how to ditch them and never go back.
Sounds like a total narcissist who may have borderline personality disorder. I've been cutting people left and right as I'm nearing sixty. My self esteem has been mangled by bullies aka, controlling types, narcs, gaslighters so much that I cannot afford it. I don't have the time, money or energy anymore. They are dangerous to you in many ways. My friend married a woman who was borderline. She ended up in prison.......
My sister is like this too
I agree. It is hard to avoid them when you are in a place where you are required to be around them such as the work place or family events
Ignoring the controller doesnt help! Allowing them to contiue to talk to you in a condescending manner doesnt help! You need to not enable them. And stay calm and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. The problem wont go away on its own!
Knock them out , you will surprise them
Hiltz0007 sometime their too hideous even for that
Hiltz0007 so true I agree it’s an either all or nothing with or without no in between because even a small dose of a perpetrator is harmful inflicting and controlling free yourself of control emancipation
Hiltz0007 HALLELUJAH 🌹. You are so right. Because I think 🤔 ignoring only shows them they can do it again. Ignoring is for lame asses who doesn’t want to deal with it and walk away. Like my example is if you ignore a fire 🔥 on your stove top and ignore it it will get out of control and burn up your house 🏡. So don’t ignore that is just and excuse for that fire to get out of control and get the upper hand.😉
alaskanactressp30 so true❣️
Remember, if you’re not sure if the person you’re dealing with is controlling, just by you clicking on this video and watching it can actually confirm that who you are dealing with is indeed controlling
You are so right, as soon as someone tells me what i 'should' do I know they are saying it out of fear & I don't feel safe or loved unconditionally and I am very strong about putting in boundaries in straightaway. I don't do people pleasing anymore. When people allow me to be me but lovingly give suggestions, I am much more likely to take them on board. Because at the end of the day, my Higher Power knows whats best for me and that connection is my priority. I only have one life and no one has the right to try control me if I don't let them
I agree
I feel that
i'm at the edge of a friendship with a VERY controlling person. I am so glad i watched. thank you so much for the advice Dr. Ray Self. I finally know what i've been dealing with all this time and how to solve it.
Aggression and controlling ppl! Go hand and hand!
Excellent! Christ never forced anyone!
The Number One Reason Of Failed Relationships
Yes, indeed! REAL TALK! 💯%
Thank you! I believe that my willingness to help others is mistaken as weakness thus I attract controllers who want to control me. What you have said has given me peace and knowledge on how to deal with them. I will pray that they get the help they need too.
Controllers offer help on the basis that they’re getting supply by being the rescuer you didn’t ask for .
They also want you to feel some sort of indebtedness to them. This is stage 1 of controlling and they scale up if you let them. @@angelacasein7059
My mother's saying: "I might not always be right, but I'm never ever wrong" she knows everything...
There's a difference between giving people advice and telling them what they should be doing with their lives. No one should pop into my life and tell me how to live it. Sometimes our lives are put on hault for a specific reason. It doesn't necessarily mean we're being punished. I'm growing emotionally and spiritually. I'm not missing out on a darn thing. I don't need strangers telling me what I should be doing. Walk a mile in my shoes and say it again lol
Guilt, shame, manipulative.
External focus, avoid their pain
Self righteuness. Fix another person. SHOULD, OUGHT, NEED!
You can not control, the controler!
Not enable, comply
Allow them to take the consequences of their actions!
This is a really good video. I was a part of a ministry in which the director became very controlling. I was verbally and spiritually abused for saying that they were wrong. It was sick. I left, but the worst part is that I see everybody around the director become just like him--controlling.
How to deal with a controlling - or a more appropriate word is dominating - people is a smaller issue. Just don't give in to their wishes, be firm, be yourself. I know it requires some courage but that's the only way to deal with them.
Actually what I find more challenging is how to identify such people during initial interactions with them when usually they try to be nice and their ugly traits do not come out. It could be anyone, say a new guy or girl you are dating or someone you are interviewing for job, or a new neighbor, anyone.
I feel dominating traits (and its primary source is the high ego I think) is an integral part of their personality, and more often than not it is very difficult to change. So given a choice I would rather avoid getting close or friendly with such people rather than dealing with them much later when it becomes bit complicated.
Thanks, been dealing for years now with some negative and controlling family members. Really tired of it now.
Good video, Do NOT put up with any crap from these people Be FIRM and just and fear not.
:)
***** no one said it was easy but you dont want to feel stuck in an enmeshed and fearful relationship
Edith Smith. That's a dumb thing to say. Kill someone and you sure won't be free. You'll be in prison.
Thanks. I control and need to stop.
Wow. I thought the people wich do that, don't see that themselves.
l have a family member that does this to me. When they think I have wronged them, I get the silent treatment for weeks that turn into months. It has been this way forever, and has demented me to the point of suicide. It is happening now, and with Christmas coming I am very sad and afraid. Over the years it has led me to hate Christmas totally. I feel though it would be hard, I should finally disconnect from them altogether. I know many would say that is not wise with family, but I feel exhausted with nothing left to lose.
Robert Hurley me too
there are a couple very destructive/abusive/manipulative people in my family - including my mom (who I've lived with a total of 5 years of my life)...when she/they came back into my life, I went in with an open heart and let the past go - giving it a fresh start...it wasn't 'too long before the mental abuse started again - similar to what you write. You cannot pick your family...bcs they are family i think we should give them more slack/chances BUT if they are hurting your soul, there is nothing wrong with simply walking away. otherwise you spend your life running yourself in circles trying to please people who in some part enjoy what they are doing to you - enjoy the power. I have other blood family who are very healthy to be with - and friends that are literally like family. You do not need to scrape and beg and pray that things will get better when its completely up to the other person. you cant control that...walk away and those who are strong and truly care about you will still make a point of being in your life.
Having spend the last month all alone with me-some delicious Foods -three candles and the Internet.I just talked to neighbours I met outside when Shopping for Food-and some People in the internet-and some abusive relatives on the phone.And do you know what !?I found peace and did not die !!!! Despite having no Kids and just escaped a 16 year long abusive partnership I felt good.Sometimes a bit of Depression came up-but I just went on-always doing something -even if it was just making a nice cup of herbal tea.I did not fell abandoned of the world as I had been afraid of - this was a surprise to me and I will always remembering this.I cannot tell reasons for it - and hey, I cried a lot for all the losses I had to have in my life-but,nothing bad happened....it was not easy at any given minute ,but most of the time I was !But, of course I do not have the intentions to spend the rest of my life in seclution-but this was what I just needed-and it was a wonderful experience plus a rest I really have deserved I do think.Generally I would suggest to everyone just s l o w d o w n ! ! ! !
we are all in sympathy with you
You might feel totally alone, but you are not ❤️
Just watched this five times because this so spot on. Great insights
Thanks and God bless
I find that Controlling people will give the SILENT TREATMENTS BIG TIME. Not because they are Narcissistic, but non-narcissistic people can do this. My partner does the silent treatments when she gets into her anger fits, like a spoiled brat who doesn’t get her way. Then when she comes down off it BEGS AND BEGS LIKE A SAD PUPPY 🐶 DOG. I pray for her. Do I ever pray for her 😇🙏
Goodness. I have a relative who is so controlling and prone to angry outbursts that I loathe to be around him because he puts me on edge. But, I *LOVE* his children and want so much to be around them; I also feel a lot of sympathy for them and concern for them because of his controlling behavior. Such a pickle to be in. I'm going to try to keep your points in mind.
'im sorry you feel that way,' im going to try this thanks for the encouragement
Yours are very wise words. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! :)
This is such a great video!!! Thank You!!!! 😊. I worked with a controller and because I’m nice , I guess I would enable them. But then I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Never again! I will stand my ground!!!
Thanks and God bless you for your courage!
I hate when somebody is being pushy with me and try to make me do things I don't want to do!
FINALLY !!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, For years I have not known how to handle a person who always wants to control people & situations. He is a male friend who wants more than I can give. I did not want to hurt his feelings, his heart is in the right place, but it is too much emotionally & I am so worn out. So much so, I have not talked with him in nearly 3 months & he just lives down the street. He has raised his voice to me way too many times & it scares me. I needed a break.
Dear Sir, I just had the realization that I have a friend who is of controlling personality and this video has literally given me the greatest armor to deal with such personality. I should agree that he is going to suffer as a consequence, but I will be getting out of his way and watch him suffer in his own hell. Thank you very much for this video again!!!!
I had to stop and take breaks ... never heard such spot on truth about controlling people with excellent examples to go with it.
You speak from my heart. How are you doing today? It's always 2 a few steps forward, a few steps back again... so exhausting... but I am definitely not going back.
I do agree with the statement that controlling people do not wish to focus on themselves and/or their failures in life. Instead, they want to occupy their time by telling others "what they should be doing". And yes, you can not control the controller. However, we can opt out not to interact with them.
I have forwarded this onto my sister as she is struggling more than myself with this. I have learned to distance myself a few years back and am aware of what is happening within our family. I will no longer be emotionally controlled. Yet I still feel the need for great attention from my partners. Meaning to make me feel like I am a good person, etc. Soooo much more to my story! Just loved this clip and thank you!
Hi Natalie! Thank you for sharing the video! Why do you feel that you need them to make you feel like you are a good person? Is there someone who has made you feel like you're not? The first step is to forgive whoever has accused you and made you feel "less than" in the past. Forgive them completely and release their words. Then, ask God (do you pray?) to fill your mind with His thoughts so that you no longer live under the opinion of others or someone else, but can walk in the freedom that comes through Jesus Christ! I'm praying for you right now! You're so brave!
Wonderfully clear and powerful message.
:) Thanks David!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this! I left a career in nursing due to the bullying, (as 56 -66% of new grads do, which is the real cause of the nursing shortage). I then found a job I love working in a homeless shelter. But over half the staff there is made up of very hostile, controlling, manipulative women. So even though I'm casual, and not obligated to take any shifts at all, I dread checking my phone when I wake up, because they are hostile that I have the audacity to sleep. Thanks again!
I was laughed at by a nurse when I almost rear ended a car bc I was zoning out after working an overnight shift all I’m saying is nurses can be nasty girls who just want a paycheck
I see people trying to run my grown my life.
That is a common problem. It is also a way that they avoid their own problems
Thank you so much. They shamed me in to thinking what I believed in was wrong. I feel much better now for putting myself first .I fled from the conversation and I felt guilty for it
You speak from my heart. How are you doing today? It's always 2 a few steps forward, a few steps back again... so exhausting... but I am definitely not going back.
@@theforeigner6988it's definitely taken time to heal from the situation because they were very dear to me. I love them from a distance now but I'm much happier. Always surround yourself with loving people, it makes the difference 💜
In a nut-shell "Can't seem to control themselves near as well as almost everyone else."
You are so accurate to say that controlling people are living externally. I got married to a man before falling in love and he always steppef on my toes and I kept sacrificing in order to heal him inside and after 6 years I an completely broken and rotten inside that even I can't love my child enough. Just want to get out of this and don't know how?
Yes..I like that.. " they have to suffer the consequences of their behavior". It"s a live thing.
This is a particularly brilliant video. Dr really hitting the nail on the head about 'enabling'. To allow controllers to suffer their own co sequences really switched on a light in my soul thank you!
It is a hard subject and a difficult situation to deal with. Thanks for your comment.
The best explanation about controlling! THANK YOU !!!
Thanks very much
my dad is like this. even to the smallest detail he forces people. it's almost dinner, then he assumes I'm hungry. Then if I didnt come eat with them, he shouts and says "IT'S DINNER COME EAT! I COOKED THIS, IT'S DELICIOUS!"
I said no but he forced me to taste so I tasted it. I said to myself it's not good. But because he cooked it, he assumed everyone should say his dish is delicious.....this person needs to be pleased all the time. Oh my....no wonder all his workmates are yes men.
Atleast you don't have to say 'no' 10 times as an adult to not eat a snack or something els. No does not seems to exist in these people's vocabulary unless you want something.
It never changes. Once such a person can get in the control room of your head, they will hijack the entire system
This is one of our Supervisors, it can become very stressful! ! I can go through a whole shift of expectations and demands and feel accomplished at the end of the day! then it takes 3 minutes for this guy to put me in a huge bad mood and I find myself so angry on the way home! ! he seriously needs help!
Remember it is he that needs help. Take your focus off of him. It is actually his personal problem. Just do not allow it to become your problem. I know that is easier said than done. But that is the best thing to do,
Thank you for your talk. Control freaks are a pest within all levels of society.
The Apostle Paul’s advice to Apollos is worth following, ie, "Now concerning Apollos, the brother, I strongly urged him to come to you with the brothers, and it was not at all his desire to come now; but he will come when he has an opportunity." 1 Corinthians 16:12.
So, the Great Apostle Paul was gracious enough to allow Apollos the freedom to make up his own mind; at the right time.
It's challenging. Like you said, you can easily fall into the same snares they are in via gossip and reacting. I've noticed a tell tale sign is that these people (which I very much used to be) have a lot of dissension in their lives. Have been delivered I am now having to deal with someone like this in my life. They are not satisfied with calming the waters. They want you to agree with them and get mutually enraged. I feel like the only peace to be found is walking away from this person- who will likely try to turn their pack against me. Thank GOD I am not defined by man but by Jesus and God the father as he is my creator. If you see this, please pray for me. It's been causing me distress. I know this friendship is not right in my life. And I'm praying for Godly friends to enter into my life.
This blessed me tremendously
Thanks God Bless
So true... however, you cannot get rid of difficult, manipulative controllers when they are a member of your family. You offered good advise: do not enable them, not by going head to head but kindly disagreeing and making them aware of what it is they are doing. You offered lots of jewels on this one
I'm happy you found this inspiring! You're right, the situation may vary but the ground rule is the same: forgive them, and then set healthy boundaries. Just because they're a family member does not mean you need to be subject to their abuse. Boundaries are key! :)
ICMCollege Yes, agree, if they are family, boundaries have to be set
I found it so inspirational that I embedded your video in one of my logs linking2yourhealth on blogspot
Thank you Merq! God bless you! :)
Why not? Just cause they are related doesn't mean they should be offered special treatment. You must do what is best and healthy for you. Like one might fit their own oxygen mask first on an aeroplane, you must ensure you are doing what is right for you first and foremost
You can get them out of your life, and if they are toxic to the point of ruining your life, interferring with your family and your home peace, they need to go on no uncertain terms. Trespass them if you have to!
its just too tiring to play their game. I'm dealing with one right now and dam he is really good at manipulating people.
Right on. I agree with what you have expressed here. Wonderful job in communicating. Thank you!Controlling kinds of people are searching for a 'mini version' or a 'mini-me' of themselves. I believe that a lot of this kind of behavior is connected to past traumas, of which the person has not yet dealt with.
(I have had my share of controlling behaviors come against me in my life). There is little use in trying to negotiate with this kind of behavior. What you can do, however, is change how you respond to this person (who 'acts out in this way), by gradually implementing new boundaries and guidelines that you live by.
Controlling-type behaviors are usually linked to harsh and judgmental behaviors. (No surprise here!)
(the person, whether consciously or subconsciously, are oftentimes perpetrating upon another, the VERY THING that happened to them at some time). Understanding where this person is coming from is VITAL! Because this will determine YOUR OWN behavior, and will keep you from falling into the same traps & power struggles. Prayer works wonders as well! (as the Good Dr. says). Understanding that 'fear' is what's beneath the controlling person's behavior/tactics, can help you to BEGIN to CHANGE HOW YOU DEAL with this person. Appeasing or resisting...in the long term...will NEVER WORK. Ultimately, it is how.....YOU MUST CHANGE,...if you're to deal with this person EFFECTIVELY!
If there is a threat of physical violence, then you may not want to do what I have suggested here.
(in which case, I strongly suggest getting some kind of outside help asap).
Peace & Prayers to all.
Elise aka Godgirl.
Elise Godgirl THANK YOU!! i needed to hear this
Eloquence is rare these days! Thank you!
Wow praise God. What an on time word! I've never heard such words of truth spoken with such clarity, especially on this subject... May God continue to reveal to you words for the people... Thanks Doc and God Bless.
You speak so much sense. You really have helped me. I'm very thankful.
thank you for sharing this wisdom.....I did find myself trying to fix and control the controller and all I got was affliction and abuse... thank you and God bless for this wise counsel
You are so good doc...
THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! I need to learn not to trigger the vampires to run after me even more. I am an aspiring minister, been a song leader for 30+ years and have melded with my fathers and mothers in the faith, and this is my biggest problem.
I hope you are free of the sad, controlling people, Frank.
Much L❤️VE and Godspeed on your anointed path. 🕊 ✨🙏🏾✨ 🕊
I think you are simply seeing the obvious problem. Exposing a controlling person normally will get a negative reaction and sometimes even more control as they try to keep their power and manipulation going. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth just do not have any expectations that can set you up for disappointment.
ICMCollege I really need help
I have people around me that are controlling. My sister for example always says it is ridiculous for you to do this, that way and she goes ahead and does it the way she wants but she said to me that I refuse to do it her way maybe because I was a ceo but I told her I behave like that because I am not given a chance to explain why I proposed that way. So I just keep quiet especially because I love in her house. Indeed she puts pressure me to comply and she implements it,
I haven't finished watching this video but its already POWERFUL!
Thanks
Great sit down!! Thank you Dr. Ray
I dont know how many times i have listened to this. Very helpful. Thank You so much.
I love this.....have watched it so many times....thank you.
I'm going to watch this many times over to internalize this message. This will begin to help.
My roommate is passive aggressive and controlling. She has to have everything in the apartment her way, has to shut the patio door if I have it open, turns the thermostat how she likes it etc. She lied and said she didn't smoke but she does. I didn't know all this when I moved in with her bc she put on an act. She also drinks daily and when she gets drunk and hung over she gets even more controlling, mocks me and gives me the silent treatment. I can't wait til my lease is up but I'm thinking of subleasing my room to get away from her.
Roommates can make a living situation very difficult and I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope the teaching may have shed some light on how to navigate this situation for you. I will be praying for a quick resolution for you!
My sister is my bully. We are 48 yrs. old. She’s my twin. She was bullied by our older brother. He left to go live with the father at age 11. She has been my bully ever since. Physical till about age 23, mental afterwards. She does this thing called gaslighting; look it up. She seems to do it subconsciously but I think she’s done it semi-deliberately a couple of times. When I point this out to her she goes super crazy and denies it upside down the other and blames me for it. That’s when I knew, oh boy, there is something seriously wrong with her brain. She does not have narcissism nor borderline personality disorder. She’s controlling but she’s also bullying. She has to be right all of the time. She’ll start fights and stick at it all day long and stupid me argues it back in defense. I thought that if I used her own medicine on her she’d get a clue and knock it off but she doesn’t. She’s a fun, intelligent person to hang around with and then, bam, she’s a snake and will bite you. She asks to hear your problems then she’s sick and tired of hearing your problems so you decide not to give her information but then she’ll bring up the thing that she’s so called sick and tired of. Then you respond falling for the trap and then, bam, she attacks you again. You finally decide to hang around her but not give her information about your life but conversation goes so well that you do because it’s natural; then, bam she attacks you when you didn’t do nothing but ask for her to clarify what she is talking about and she yells at you acting like you’re stupid. That was the last straw. I finally figured it out. She likes to stir the shit pot and eat it too. I don’t know the psychology behind it and I may never find out but my analogy is 100% correct. She and her long time disfunctional relationship with a man is the same. They both scored the same on the narcissis scale even though both are not narcissist. They just have some tendencies. They both are controlling. He doesn’t care about her and she has low self esteem. There’s only one way to fix this. Do not socialize with them. You have to cut it off. Sad because she’s a fun person. But not good for my self esteem. It must be a wrong brain wiring from childhood. A competition and trying to be on top. Trying to be the dominator. Trying to get the best gifts. Keeping you low so that she is high. That’s the only thing that I can figure. And since this wiring happened in child hood, she cannot and will not see it and change which makes it seem narcissistic but clearly she is not. So it’s weird. They walk among us, lol! Some people hurt others and they feel better about themselves. That must feel good so much so that they do not want to give it up so therefore they justify it and blame someone or something else for their bad behavior.
Wow! I am very sorry that you have lived thru this. You seem, to have a very good handle on this. I applied your insight! Obviously you cannot fix her. You realize very clearly what is going on so you should be able to set some healthy boundaries. I have a sister who has done more to hurt me than any person I have ever known. She thinks she is a master manipulator. She can be very sweet and wonderful to be around and when I least expect it she will say something very mean or cruel. The gaslighting problem you mentioned is weird and it sounds very sick. (I did look it up.)
There are two things you can do. One is limit your exposure to her to the amount of time that you know you can handle. I do that with my sister. I found that I can handle her in small does. The other thing is to pray for her and turn her over to God and let Him handle her. I know that the answer is not easy or simple. God bless you
Thank you for your response. I’m doing more and more research on this and there is some healing I’m going to need to do. I have to reprogram some of my belief systems, self esteem, assertiveness and learn healthy boundaries. I don’t remember what I wrote above but some people have narcissistic tendencies. There’s a term called, narcissistic supply. That means they “ feed “ off of you to make themselves feel better. Then there’s the term, defense mechanism, which to some degree we all have adapted to deal with stress. There’s so much that I’m going to have to learn and do. It’s best to cut off bad relationships and not start new ones till you get a grip on what’s going on inside of you so you don’t invite this in anymore. I hope this helps someone out there.
I'm not sure I understand why you do not feel like she's a narssicist. Your description of her seems a dead wringer for the narcissist.
@@elizabethwutzke9040 exactly!!
Thank you for your video I have a control freak in my family I understand where you are coming from have a good day 😤
I lived with a controlling person for years, the only thing that really helped me break off the relationship was to notice the "I'm always right, you're always wrong" kind of attitude. As soon as my ex told me she's always right, I immediately knew there was something wrong.
I prayed when I was in that relationship, it didn't do jack, the only thing that helped me was to put physical distance between me and her as well as emotional distance, also, talking to others about it helped a lot as well. If you tell someone else how you feel when the controlling person says one thing or another, they may be able to see things you cannot see when you're in that relationship.
Best wishes everyone.
New subbie this is so good thank you I experience this is my family Father sister aunt man in pass relationships etc. I love them from afar pray for them and leave them alone and enjoy my life. Thank you again God Bless
But what if your controller is a boss? How do you say no to a boss without him or her doing more controlling things out of frustration?
Thank you so mich DR RAY!! This video really ministered truth and liberty to my spirit....God Bless you!!!!
Thank you. That was needed sense the parent I loved and depended on the most is very controlling. It made me realise that I'm stronger than my parent. Even if it means losing good and bad emotions. I gained knowledge my armour and strength my sword. It's hard to make friends and trust them it's also hard to talk to my parent sometimes. Most of the time I'm wrong. I have no life. Thank you dear mom. I'm going to suffer with cruelty of the real world when it's time for you to go. The cycle goes on...
Jay, The cycle can be broken by you. You can choose today not to define your self by your painful past with a controlling mother. She had a personal problem which was hers alone. Unfortunately she had a detrimental effect on you. But choose to let her go (with love) and redefine your self according to what God says about you. He calls you as loved, acceptable, valuable and worthy. It is not easy but your past does not have to control you any longer
thank you so much! the external focus was a great key. It's really hard to deal with these people unless you can understand and i have spent so much time trying to figure out what you just said in a few words. very helpful subscribed and thumbs up
Fantastic video, Dr. Ray Self.
Thanks for your wise advice.
this video is helpful for me to identify why i never feel Happy in my 5 years relationship, i was controlled by almost everything in my life,i was told you should,need, ought to do this way, it's a good way ........,Thank you Doctor for this wonderful message!!
You are so correct they get more frustrated, avoid their own issues and use action discharge mode of functioning due to their lack of insight judgment and a ton of other ego functions. They need to control those around them to see themselves as o.k. or good through the eyes of others. They cannot self validate.
Amen! Its not what you say its how you say it!
amazingly insightful and powerful information. Thanks!
So true! Thank you Doc!
Very wise information. Thank you. It's just the information I was looking for
You are very welcome! We are glad that you found our video helpful! Blessings.
Thank you for expanding my understanding. I think your advice is exellent.
Thank you Doctor for the helpful tips. They were very helpful. I thank God for your teaching.
My roommate is a controlling type though, the way he goes about it is to attack your ego and then tell you what you should do... I'm pretty sure he's aware of it because when I give him the don't-f*ck-with me look, he'll stop. To deal with toxic people is to understand what they want from you, what they're trying to get you to do. Like my roommates want me to help them get a social life and after realizing they won't get what they want through bullying, they keep themselves in check. They try to be nice, give me my space, in hopes I'll invite them to a party or hook them up with club benefits... If you understand what they want from you, you do have some power. For example my roommates want a social life so I'd state, people like people who make them feel good and nobody feels good when you attack their egos and criticize them, then tell them how they should live their lives. Nobody likes it when you tell them what they're doing wrong, especially when they didn't ask. Now they're both trying to prove that they can be good nature and fun - though I know it's in their nature to be bullies so... I let them have their false hopes, instead of fighting with them - I just play a long like maybe, one day... I'll invite you (I really won't though)
I actually really liked this message. Thank you for sharing ♥️
Thank you Sir. Excellent video. God bless you
Thank you so much. This was very helpful.
Thank you for sharing your message, you are trully blessed.
So helpful... you nailed it - right on the money. Thank you.
WOW! This was very good for me. I recently re-connected with a man from my past. Re-connecting with him was very revealing to me as to why things didn't work out before. The same reasons the relationship didn't work this time. He was a controlling man when I knew him at 20. As a strong woman, a man cannot control me and will become very frustrated when he tries. This man is even more controlling now. He literally, nearly had a stroke in his efforts to control me.
Thank you Dr., this was a very well explained. I like your tone, most you-tubers speak to loud and too fast, almost like screaming, you kept it pleasant to listen.
Prefect. Knowledge and wisdom of God!
Gorgeous video, I learned a lot. Thank you.