Divorce Survival Guide for Men: Rebuilding Your Life
Vložit
- čas přidán 14. 10. 2023
- The tools I’m going to share with you in this Divorce Survival Guide video are based on the work I’ve done with hundreds of men over the last two years. I could lump them into two main groups - men who get better, who rebuild their lives, find purpose and meaning, date and find love again… and the men who don’t.
Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
► resources.rachaelsloancoachin...
Watch the FREE Masterclass: How to Take Back Control Of Your Life After Divorce
► resources.rachaelsloancoachin...
Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't handicap you in relationships. You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future.
Additional Resources
Get the FREE Better Beyond Divorce App
► resources.rachaelsloancoachin...
Join the Better Beyond Divorce Course & Community:
► resources.rachaelsloancoachin...
Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
► resources.rachaelsloancoachin...
Work with Me
Coaching Programs ➭ www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/...
Learn more ➭ rachaelsloancoaching.com
Shoot me an email ➭ rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma
amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time
amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose
amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential
amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive.
amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
Never thought I would be searching for this. But I know this whole process will be over and life will be way better than the last 11 years. Glad I found your channel.
I’m so deeply appreciative to have found your channel, Rachel
I'm so glad the videos are helpful. Thank you for being here, for watching and for being a part of this community.
10 years and 3 kids later…I was forced to file after a decade of abuse from her. Finally built the courage to move on. Glad I found this channel.
Sent you 3 referrals yesterday . What you’re doing is so needed 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Wow, thank you! That is much appreciated. I did get your email and am looking forward to chatting and collaborating. I think we could do some cool things together! I'll reach out this week.
Thank you Rachael. So glad I found you on CZcams. Love your presentations! You are amazing! I will keep listening.
Thanks again for helping me reach to where i am today Rachael. I took it step by step with your videos and now i find myself talking with all sorts of people and mending areas of trauma that i always just pushed away or felt angry about feeling. Learning how to regulate my emotions made the pain bearable in order to start healing. I think denial turns into disbelief at some point. But disbelief in my opinion lasts in short bursts. Sometime later, i find myself saying I'm grateful to not be with her because both of us were hurting and i didn't want to choose better because of how little i was told i needed to feel love. Just the fact that someone cared that i existed was enough. I'm sad i couldn't be the one for her but at least now she has another chance. And i can finally move to maybe one day finding someone who i can connect with on an emotional level without the anger and trauma of both our pasts.
You're welcome. I can't thank you enough for sharing this comment and for letting me know that the videos have been helpful. I'm thrilled to hear that you're doing the hard work of healing past trauma and allowing yourself to move forward into a more hopeful place. As painful as it is, I think you have showcased the opportunity in divorce - the opportunity to finally heal wounds that have been aching for a lifetime, and through that healing to enjoy relationships that are deeper, more intimate and more loving. I wish you the very best moving forward.
If you have any interest in sharing more of your story, I would love to hear it. I am doing a project collecting stories like yours, and I'd love to talk to you about it. You can write me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Thank you for the tools! I should probably use them...
Good morning, thank you for sharing these stories. It helps me grow and move past the pain.
Good morning, I'm so glad they're helpful. You're welcome. Thank you for watching and for being a part of this community.
I’m not doing well. My wife has manipulated my daughter to believe her narrative. I’m 53 and we’ve married 27 years now I’m so broken and I also was injured on the job and became a stay at home dad. After the kid went to HS I became the full time caregiver to my dying mom. As soon as our kid went to college my wife filed and acts horrible towards me daily.
Hi Timothy, there is trauma on a lot of levels here. Do you have a good support system or therapist that is supporting you?
There are things we can do to help your nervous system heal from the multiple injuries it has faced, so you can feel better, think more clearly and stand up to yourself in meaningful ways to stop the abuse from your ex wife.
I just opened the doors to my 90 day accelerated coaching program. It is an intensive 3 month process where you'll work very closely with me and a small group of committed men to heal these wounds and get you back on your feet mentally and emotionally. If you're interested you can book a call with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/discovery-call-for-bbd-foundations
Either way, I hope you'll see additional support. You've been through a lot, and some of the blows keep coming. Having the right support system will make a huge difference.
thank you. this is a good place for me to start
Been by myself for 27 years. The EX took so much, cost me a mint. It was the best investment I have ever done.
Thank you very much for this free guide I am all over the place on the guide but at least it gives me a road map for me to follow to recover during my separation
You're welcome. I'm glad it is helpful. It's normal to be all over the place - just meet yourself where you are moment to moment, and you'll get where you need to go.
Currently going through a very brutal and traumatic separation at the moment. I have removed/blocked everyone except my 6 key support. But even they are getting sick of hearing me talk about it all the time.
She is smear campaigning me, weaponising my daughter against me.
She has moved on and made it clear to me that she has moved on to hurt me.
I can’t sleep and can’t concentrate.
I don’t want to go into depression, but I think I am there.
I just hope I can move forward.
Thank you for watching and for sharing some of your story. I'm really sorry to hear that your wife is attacking so ferociously. Do you have any external support you can lean on as well? A therapist would be a great option, especially someone trained in somatic work or emotionally focused therapy.
I host a community of men going through similar painful experiences. It's called the Better Beyond Divorce Community and membership includes access to all of my courses (the first of which teaches you specific tools to regulate your nervous system and move out of depression) as well. You may find that environment a supportive place to vent, ask for help and talk it through with people who really get it.
You can find the details here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-community
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
these videos are the reason why i will not get married. long term relationships with no cohabitation and no kids have the lowest exposure to risk. being married/cohabitation/kids are all risks if the marriage doesnt work. i dont see the benefits of a cohabtiation and marriage over being in a relationships with 2 seperate homes. you can stay together without being married until the end. there are more risks of a failed marriage than benefits of a marriage that doesnt end.
That's a sad way to live. You don't get married cause it makes sense or not.
@@The_MessianIn these days and times you should definitely look at marriage as a contract. Most of the people out here I.e women are looking for a come up. These people will destroy you to get what they want. A LOT of guys die or go down behind this stuff. I don’t have the numbers but I have observed it myself.
Better to stay unmarried.
@@LordRenzo77 We'll just have to disagree on this.
It's not worth it.
I need help. I don't have a purpose anymore. I don't want to do this anymore.
I know it's probably hard to believe right now, but there is another side to this. You can get there, even if it's been really bad.
Depending on what you're looking for in terms of support, I may be able to help directly. You can get the free version of my Better Beyond Divorce App here, it has lots of resources and tells you how to work with me:
resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-app-plan
You can also email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com with a few details about yourself. If I can help I'll tell you how, and if I can't I can help you find the right option with someone who can.
I am so sorry to see this. I've felt this way in the past, but you can and you will get better. Please don't give up. You will find your purpose. You will create it. I know it's hard to see now, but this happened precisely so you could find your purpose.
If I can pull up on the joystick, you can, Chuck. Stay the course. Find purpose in Faith again
GET IN THE GYM! Just start moving some sand every day. Little by little but every day. Seriously man, you absolutely can find purpose again
I’ve been there almost 8 months now. I hate it.
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
My wife told me a few months ago she wanted a divorce and now left our home.
Among other things, your videos really helped me get through the first depression phase. It's not over yet but I just wanted to express my deep gratitude.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through it right now. I'm glad the videos have helped. You're welcome. Thank you for your kind words - hearing from you and the other guys here keeps me inspired to do these videos. I'm filming today :) If there is any topic that would be particularly useful, please let me know and I'll add it to my list!
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you. Even though I intellectually know that our marriage is over, for lots of reasons (she does not provide what I need emotionally or as a life partner), I have a lot of difficulty letting go. I don't miss my soon-to-be ex-wife per se and I've adjusted quite well to her absence, but I feel a deep longing for happier past times, vacations together, the birth of our kids, etc. Many men in my position must feel the same, and that deep longing may be a hurdle in order to rebuild our lives.
@@zphzrhzraefoiaj4974 that's an important topic. Thank you for raising it. I think yo'ure right that a lot of men experience a similar struggle. It sounds like rooted in that longing might be a belief that you won't be able to experience such happiness in the future? If you knew that you could and would experience even greater happiness and fulfilment in the future, how would that change the things you choose to do today?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach If I knew for sure that I'd experience even greater happiness in the future, perhaps this longing feeling wouldn't be this intense today. But doesn't everybody feel this way about the good memories of their past?
Of course, the separation is still relatively new and the house is still filled with memories. It will be probably get better with time.
As for choosing, I choose now to focus on the good things to come and on my children. Nostalgia just hits hard sometimes.
Same
Thank you so much 💔
Very happy to find your channel God sent it to me
Men, Never get married!
If your female partner causes you harm or threatens your safety...put a restraining order on her!!!
Never, Ever Get Married!
I’m currently in a place where this just sounds completely foreign to where I am at 1 day after my wife told me she didn’t love me
This is really early... and you are probably in a lot of shock and distress. Do you have someone to talk to? An in person therapist at this stage can be an incredibly valuable source of support. Friends and family as well.
I’m with a covert narcissist and starting the divorce. I am all over the roadmap with these emotions. I want it to be fixed then I know it’s not. I can’t trust her. She hurt me very badly this last time and I’m seeing a lawyer this week. She said she wants a divorce and there is no point continuing. I’m tired of the escalating cycles of hoovering and discard. Each time gets worse and worse. My biggest fear is the kids and their lives. But after, I’m afraid I will fall right back into the same pattern of dating this personality type. I feel like I need to keep all people at a distance bc I seem to attract this type not only as a partner but as friends as well. I have very little if no support network and other than a therapist I see once every two weeks I have no one. Really feel lost and adrift but trying to focus on the next step of divorce and just want it to be over now
I’m in the same boat as you. I’m in the middle of my second divorce. I attract liars and cheaters.
I was with a covert narcissist for 11 years so I understand your situation.
I highly recommend putting restraining order on her.
Over the years every person in my life was compromised from her lies so I understand you can feel you were in a psychological trap she created around you.
This is war and you need to treat getting yourself out and away from her as the number one priority in your life.
You need to stop all drugs and alcohol and take control of every strategic move to protect yourself and in the craziness she has created.
Completely stop all communication with her.
Lise Leblanc has the best videos on CZcams regarding covert narcissists I highly recommend watching all of them.
I wish you the best!
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
My first wife died of cancer. I was devastated. My current wife asked for a divorce today and it feels heavier and more impossible to deal with.
I know your not okay but you will be. You will make it out of this tunnel
Actually starts 10 min in.
What are the 9 steps?
Hi Ted, I'm sorry for the slow reply. You can download the guide with the full 9 stages here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/stages-sign-up
Also do the 9 steps go in order?
Can you find yourself in a different stage on different days and back and forth?
What do u say about 50.50 custody and co parenting? I am the dad and kids are not happy at my house. Could be my parenting style or more their attachment with their mother. Feel lost. Want kids to be happy but would like to have them 50 % of the time.
I would encourage you to focus on your relationship with your kids over the custody split or percentage of time you have with them.
Are you working with a therapist or coach at all? If you are, you could ask them to help you look at the following questions:
1. Why do you want 50% of the time with your kids? What would that allow you to feel? What would it allow you to believe about yourself or your life?
2. What do you need to explore to understand why your kids aren't happy? Family counseling could be a tool here as well.
You may find this video helpful as well: czcams.com/video/g6v6nXd-OdE/video.html
From my experience it is the quality of the time you spend with them, not the quantity, that makes the difference for them and for you. More time with them unhappy or you not understanding them is likely not going to help either you or them, so I would encourage you to focus on improving the relationship first, then exploring options for increased time together.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach interesting comments for me to ponder. I dont think i or we have time for counselling. I will take your thoughts on board and do my best. Sometines these are just consequences for these decisions. Maybe i have to work on my mself in all this, but sometines these things are out of my control
What she said, but how old are kids? Have you talked with them, if old enuff? How were they with you before the D? I would wager if nothings changed from before to now, it might you? If after they seem influenced from angry mom, only your actions will demonstrate that what they were told and led to believe isn’t jiving with what they see and experience with you. Sometimes kids are weaponized unfortunately. Good luck regardless
@@CallsItLikeISeizeIts kids are 8 and 10. Girls. Their preference is to stay with mum. Dont think they are weaponised. I might be stricter or my house is not aa nice. Tks will do my best for me and my kids
@@ted2136 stay strong, kids especially girls need a strong dad in their lives whether they know it or not 💪
I want to get my crap together and get out of my sister's house but even more so, I don't want my kids to suffer the same way I suffered being around my ex wife.
Step 1, take 100% responsibility for your part that lead to divorce.
So important... and hard for most to do. Thanks for pointing this one out.
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
Done but the fact that the garbage she did is still happening to my kids is a problem.
Hello Mam
Need thumbnail designer?
Is it normal to want a divorce because i feel stagnant and no longer love my wife? I want to be free to work on bettering .y own life
I think a lot of people feel that way, and that's how a lot of divorces happen. What I've seen in this work, however, is that the marriage is not always the problem. Sometimes it is, especially if there is abuse or if you and your spouse have dramatically different core values or goals.
Other times the marriage is just one part of a larger pattern of getting 'stuck' in your life. In those cases there is a lot that can be done to reignite the love in your relationship while also improving your life.
Have you worked with a coach or therapist at all? Having a space to talk through your situation can help you get more clear on the root problem so you can make the healthiest decisions for yourself and your family.
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach yes we did see a therapist. In truth it's me who feels behind in life, and I feel like being alone will allow me the ability tofocuss on me. I have been self improving, and I feel like my wife and I are vibrating on different levels now. I feel like I have to be on my own in order to get my life moving. It's a sad situation..
@@MusicLvr81281 that is a sad situation... I know I don't know much about you or where you are at, but I can't help but wonder if there might be some codependency at play? What is it about your marriage that makes you think you can't get your life moving while you are married? What would be different if you were single? Just some questions to consider. An individual therapist may be more helpful to you in answering these questions than a couples' therapist.
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thanks for your replys. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel like I would be happier single. My wife is a great woman but I just don't feel anything for her anymore. I still care about her but there is no more romantic feelings.
@@MusicLvr81281 It sounds like you have some clarity already, in which case next steps are worth considering. One last thought I'll offer you is that romantic feelings don't just arise spontaneously. They are the result of our thoughts, and we can increase or decrease the amount of passion and attraction we feel by the way we think about ourselves, our partners and our lives. However, it does take work to keep love alive in a relationship, and we each get to choose whether we want to put in that work, or put in the work involved to divorce and seek out new relationships. As Byron Katie says, we can't avoid doing the inner work... but we do get to choose which inner work we do.
the intro was way to long
Thanks for that feedback! I appreciate it and will take it consideration in my future videos.