9 Signs that You Should Say Nothing and Let it Go
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- čas přidán 23. 11. 2022
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There's a time and place a way to speak up for yourself, but it's not always clear when it will be helpful and/or healthy, and when it can make things worse - or create unnecessary drama. Here you'll learn 9 different guidelines to follow the next time you're wondering if you should speak up so you can know with certainty whether or not it will be worth it.
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James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."
Not easy at all.
@@beautifuldreamer8803 no it’s not! I’ve totally hurt people of late. It was not intentional but I’m really making a concerted effort to restrain myself. I have to put it in the idea in front of me daily. And pray for help!!
@@Deelitee Your intention matters. It matters 100%. When you Choose Silence is for you not them, you are not bad. You are simply dealing with children, remember this and you will find the love you need to stabilize and guide you. The Adult in the room is always the centered one, age doesn’t matter. Maturity is measured in love. Be the adult, be the parent you wish you’d had.
Amen!
Let's do it...never too old to learn and to change.
I never address crap with problematic people. Here’s why:
1.) I don’t need their validation to admit they are wrong, because most people will never admit they are wrong.
2.) I don’t need the closure of an apology, because most people will never apologize.
3.) I don’t care to waste my breath telling anyone who has wronged me what they did because they already know what they did, and they already know they shouldn’t have done it.They know this, because they wouldn’t want the same thing done to them.
Just block them, get them out of your life, and move on.
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Yes!! Well said.
I actually did this for the first time 10 days ago with a guy I was in a relationship with.
There was no point talking so I left, blocked and my health came back. 😳 Didn't realise he was the trigger to making me unwell. It was so covert I didn't realise. BIG lesson. 🙏🏻
Absolutely YES to all 3. You nailed it!
My Mrs complaining how I go out with my friends and come home after being out with them a little drunk and for her its like a major thing 🙃 🙄
Thank you for the clarity. Much needed!
I think if one has to walk on egg shells with someone, it’s time to end the relationship whether it’s friendship or romantic relationship.
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That’s the problem. I can’t end the relationship. The person is a close relative.
100000%%
Agreed.
It becomes crystal clear that you are in a troubled marriage when you get to the point that you can't talk to your spouse about anything.
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I know that feeling!, i wish u self care..
Hug 🤗
Can relate*
I feel that! I used to joke that “hello” sounds like an accusation, lol, fun stuff! Take care ❤️🩹
Feel that
each time is different but often in my life.. less is more... not saying something shuts it down, done
Thank you for this video. It is so true.
1) When they cannot handle feedback well.
2) When you know that it will not make a difference. (eg people who complain).
3) When it will make things worse. (They will use it against you or lash out).
4) When it is unsafe (could get aggressive, dangerous or mean)
5) When you have jot had the time to process. If you are just reacting...
6) When you will hurt someone because you feel wounded. Do not be a doormat but stay stable and assert your boundaries.
7) When the relationship is too superficial to withstand the comment.
8) When it goes against someone else's boundaries.
9) When not reacting is more powerful than getting hooked in. Don't take the bait and protect your peace.
Feedback appreciated...👍
Wanting more info and insight..?
Whatapp the number above..
Endeavor to reach out..💬
Number 7. That said when you’re unaware of how one sided the relationship is till it is too late simply disengage
Number 7 they will do all they can to make you think you are the problem, very hard when this person is your mother ;/
How about when you know the other person is a pathological narcissist and accepts no personal responsibility for their actions. Then blames you for bringing it up.
If #4 ever applies, you need to get this person out of your life.
not saying anything because you are choosing not to engage in an uncomfortable conversation is life transforming. i am allowed to say nothing. one of the most valuable skills you teach. thank you.
Yes Traci! You're so welcome. This one was life changing for me too.
Yes! It's empowering to realize you don't have to say anything!
Yeah I think I shows more Respect for yourself that they are not worth the time you gave them in the past-I’m referring to bf, ex or someone that is never there for you or a toxic person pulling your spirit down -not like a close family member or friend just had. Argument with
There is a fine line, though. When you get comfortable with not facing the uncomfortable, you start to become AVOIDANT because now that comfort becomes fear. I lived the way I'm Speaking of and now I'm learning the uncomfortable isn't as bad and there are lessons by facing them
Some survival methods: Don’t give people power they don’t deserve. If someone upsets you, pause before blurting out something you don’t mean. Stay calm and don’t raise your voice. Know your value. Never forget your value, even if you’re surrounded by people who ignore you. Leave toxic people behind. One red flag is too many. Being single has a lot of good aspects. Follow your passion. Nature walks. Confront your fears if they are proving to be a road block to progress.
I learned… that if I have to explain to a grown adult on how to be a decent and civil person as if I’m explaining to a two year old… that conversation shouldn’t even be taking place and is a total waste of time… or worse.
I have also found that people seem to "take you more seriously" if you speak thoughtfully and intentionally instead of just merely "venting" all the time.
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I think i have to agree with this because Im the latter. I had an experience when i was a teacher. Those that I was “ terror “ of took me seriously but those I treated with smile, many forgotten me but few befriended me.
Sometimes get tired of saying nothing and putting up with the same rubbish all the time
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Yes likea Dearly Beloved Bully
I have found this "intentional non-engagement" to be really effective in dealing with really aggressive, irritating people.
Ok 👍🎉
Let them miss your absence. Drives the dark side crazy. Spiritual reciprocity is so comforting.
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Don't you mean 'miss your presence'?
Yes, grace them by your absence.
I have a hard time with some of these, because it reminds me of all the times my mother taught me not to bother saying things to shitty people because "That's just them." Growing up with that only taught an unnecessary subservience to jerks. It's true that some people never change. But sometimes you also cannot get rid of those people, so you have to be able to tell them to go eff off.
You should always set boundaries and speak up for yourself in a calm manner. With few words, then move on. Do not allow people to mistreat you, speak up for yourself ❤️
Some people cannot handle feedback because they’re so immature and insecure.
Everyone wants to speak and feel heard.❤
Complaining has its value when it is done in the moment in order to find a solution.
Chronic whining, however, just brings everybody down.
Know when to speak up and when to remain silent.
I never van figure out where the link is to view a previous talk of yours and they are so interesting.
@@ermanaegle5755 Thanks.... Glad you love my content chat me up💬Above⬆️✍️ I'II share with you some beneficial Analysis'''update & enlightenment..
I clearly understand, but it all sounds s
like the easy way out, and allowing people to continue being bullies. Sometimes silence is a silent killer.
Also, when you're in a relationship with a narcissist who will use anything you say as ammunition against you. I told a friend that I felt hurt when she teased me in front of others. She upped teasing me in front of others. I began withdrawing (promptly disengaging with a narcissist only triggers their rage) from her by intentionally going on about details of subjects she found boring. She still smeared me, as narcissists do, but I cut my losses. Now, I'm much more careful and slower to let someone into my life beyond acquaintance level. Live and learn.
My voice was suppressed as a child lol. Definitely feel that uncomfortableness when I don’t speak. Finding my middle ground balance is a journey. I have a silver tongue, main reason I was suppressed, but realizing My voice doesn’t or even can’t solve everything is very freeing. Being a slave to vocal expression is not a step up from coerced silence. They are just different sides of the same coin. Nice thoughts thank you.
Ok 🎉
Interesting. I feel the same way. I was brought up with the concept of children are seen not heard. And i was shy and introvert so i didnt say anything. I know I had anger issues connected to this suppressing. And then spoke up bluntly with a sharp tongue. Also, now on the journey of learning the middle ground.
@@felicitygrace5113 beautiful, thank you for being yourself.
What is truly disturbing is when any of these applies to therapists. Also, one not mentioned is when the other person insists on almost total positivity, all the time.
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I have two “friends” that I recently have decided to fade out of my life. I have observed some of their behaviors over time, and I have realized that they are disordered and unstable (for example, I caught one in a huge lie, one has been struggling with certain issues for nearly 15 years and hasn’t gotten stable, things like that). Because they’re disordered, I came to the conclusion that confronting them, having a chat or setting boundaries would do no good. They need more than I am able to provide. I made my observations and moved on.
Highly recommend Julia’s book “Drive Your Own Darn Bus”.
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Usually if i care enough about the person enough to be their friend in the first place and something is really bothering me i tend to speak my truth before i walk away regardless if they get aggressive or defensive in the moment. I try to be kind of course, but direct. To me ghosting is immature and i wouldnt want to wonder why someone is not returning calls or whatever, so i try to treat others the way i want to be treated.
Exactly!!
Also it’s how you give feedback, too. Delivery matters. Instead of saying, “Hey, can you not cut me of?” say “I hadn’t finished my point. Allow me to complete my thought, please.”
Sometimes, you put up with somebody's crap for so long, and it's hard not to say something to lash out. Just walk away.
Some people FEAR " FEEDBACK.. " when its merely conversation.. 🤷♀️
My peace is too important to me to engage in foolishness. Silence is golden!
Amen to that❤😊
Definitely the last one resonated the most for me - protecting my peace when I feel like I’m being deliberately baited in a conversation. Needed that clarity ☺️
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Man, at this point in my life, I ain lettin’ SHT go! I’ve taken the higher road all my LIFE and it’s gotten me nothing but disrespect, and a gut full of pus. You got it in you to come at me sideways, you can get this work . . . . and I feel better for it, even if you get your feelings hurt. Turnabout is always fairplay, and since you clearly weren’t concerned with hurting MY feelings, oh it’s on.
Yes, I was a doormat for years. I would go in a deep depression feel victimized. Not anymore. Iam not a victim and if I'm not being treat in a respectful way I will say something now, if I feel I need too! I try never to get angry anymore. It does happen but there has to be a damn good reason, no one can steal my peace!!
@@human-qp1mf - Amen. Your piece is the most important thing for your well-being. Take care of yourself, and have a safe holiday.
@@TheBerkeleyBeauty 🦃💕🙏
Yep. I’m done with people taking advantage of my kindness. Some people WILL look at those of us who are good-natured and see opportunity or lack of consideration. Nope. I just called out a relative who asked me to do a project for them. I did a bang-up job on it. Welllll… not even a thank you from them. After not a peep for three months I sent them a big, fat bill. They were shocked
Sometimes you have to just listen and not give feedback.❤
Yes, for some people every solution has a problem.
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There are just some people that the minute you talk to them they just drain the energy out of you . Or if you try to ignore them they will still try to approach you energy vampires I call them .😒
I wouldn’t want a one-sided relationship in my life Julia.
My ex-friend Becky Keena is a very jealous person Julia.
Don’t say something if you know someone is at a low point, or their lowest point, except I’m here for you. Anything else could make them contemplate a long walk off a short pier. Let’s hope not, but it could send them down further.
Feedback appreciated...👍
Wanting more info and insight..?
Whatapp the number above..
Endeavor to reach out..💬
Very thoughtful and inciteful with empathy.Wish everyone was like that.❤
Negativity/complaining/criticising life is so very common I find, and I thank you for your advice on how to handle things when speaking out changes nothing.
Man you hit it on the money with this video. I have only really recently been implementing these rules through my own mistakes and past experiences. But I have destroyed relationships by doing all these at some point in my life. I regret it looking back but I’m learning to forgive myself and move forward with more awareness, wisdom and emotional intelligence as much as I can. As the saying goes, when you know better, you do better
Oh and only sharing when the relationship is deep enough to handle it is the biggest one for me!!
🚩It seems like one day they gonna teach selective non-engagement and pseudo silence in schools. 🚩Sometimes intentional non-action is the way forward ❤
Great Advice . Too many people try to push the let’s work things out mentality even if it’s clearly toxic and not going to work. I don’t always engage for this exact reason
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With the majority of stuff is to not say anything! People hate truths too so best to stay silent and watch their behavior
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Anything you say will be used against you.
This is a good reminder
Thank you for putting these videos out free of charge, they are so helpful.
You're welcome Lucy - glad you're here.
Don’t give your energy to energy vampires. You aren’t changing them and you’re only hurting yourself.
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Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! Thanks for making this follow up video!
Although, I would like to point out, like last time, I only counted 8 guidelines? Did anyone else only catch 8 guidelines?
I know you probably welcome feedback and suggestions, so I did email you because I did have a suggestion that might help when making CZcams videos so there isn't confusion.
I like that 8th guideline on when NOT to say something! I think that has been helping me so that when a family member makes comments that may get under my skin, I can just choose not to engage! Such a great tip! Thanks Coach! =) Thank you for your hardworking! You are doing great!
Here are my notes:
• It isn't always a good idea to say something
1. When you know that the person does not handle feedback well.
2. When you know it is not going to make a difference.
3. When it will actually make things worse.
4. When we haven't had the time to calm down and process our thoughts. Stop before you say something terrible or something you will regret. Take a deep breath.
5. When saying something is intended to hurt or harm someone else.
6. When the relationship isn't deep enough or mature enough to handle the authenticity.
7. When it goes against someone else's boundaries.
8. When saying nothing is more powerful than saying something. Selective and Intentional Nonengagement.
To those living in the USA and celebrate, Happy Thanksgiving!
Remember always what a worthy and valued person you are!
Ok 👍🎉
So, what do you think the 9th guideline should be?
@johnwieczorek Oh can't remember...
This video is so powerful, it is essentially teaching us how to wield empowered silence. I have been looking for this kind of advice for a long time. This helps us choose silence as an active and intentional choice, which is SO powerful and gets us out of silence that has been a default due to abuse, not speaking up, and keeps us disempowered. A huge difference, but it all comes from what happens inside and whether we intentionally choose it or not. You’ve just given me a great blueprint. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! 💕
selective non-engagement can easily become the silent treatment and passive-aggressive! I have a best friend who literally have done that to me for the last 7+ months. I tried to communicate and understand and he just discarded me and ignored me. Then when I exploded due to the stonewalling, and that I saw he was streaming my chat in another discord (caught) he then finally responded back-filled an excuse which was nowhere near satisfactorily. Of course, the excuse was blaming me for "wanting to be too close" even though I made sure that he set the distance (and it was very close - called me almost everyday, sometimes multiple times/and spent days in calls at points). he shared everything to do with his life, I was his closest friend ever yet he had no problem dropping the call one day, stop inviting me completely, just out no where! I suspect he is narcissist but I don't want to think that and I really care and he's just invalided me and dehumanized me. It's been really painful.
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Absolutely! Don't react. Stay calm, cool and collected. Yes feel we all have. But we can learn self control.
Wounding others never works, stand calm in your boundaries in a respectful way. Important.
You are Breathing life back into my life!!!! Thank you!!
Good morning I am new here! Loving your messages! Donna
Just stumbled across your website when I was seeking info on passive-agressiveness. You're great! Thank for the very clear, honest and useful information and your commitment to Being Yourself well and helping us, too...
I've listened to this 4 times and will continue to ask so until I react wisely towards situations in my life!!
A new viewer here from Canada...love your channel, Julia. Will be looking for you again!
What a wonderful gift to found you this last day of 2022...you really make this world a better place and I like the way you rethink and pause a little after you said something when you speak. Thankyou for your advice . I needed to hear this.
That last one really resonates. I think I thought I always had to speak up but sometimes like you say silence is more powerful
Powerful message thanks so much💕🙏
Thank you for great advice. ❤ it is often much better not to say anything and just move on. Silence and actions speak louder than words.
I'm very happy,my video on CZcams is muchly impactful to you,and family 🥰
Excellent lesson . I live in a light version of many of the things you talk about and give perspective on . I feel for those who live in a full fledged " version " of these things . Thank you for this video Julia .
Thank you, thank you, thank you for these guidelines.
A piece of sound advice. Life saving at times. Please take it seriously. Thank you Julia.
Loved this one! It was so helpful to me! Thank you! ♡
I happened upon your sessions looking for help with major overthinker!! Wow!
It hit the bullseye !
It's always a pleasure to listen. Thank you Julia!!
🎉👍
Silence is golden Julia.❤
Thank you for your insight. Good guidance!
Your timing is PERFECT!!!
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Insightful and so helpful.
Thank you so much, Julia! I love the idea of "intentional nonengagement." Brilliant!
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Julia , i been following you for about a month and i have to day that Everything is very help full and changed me in a good and better way ! Thank you !
Thank you I’ve needed a voice to hear lately and your videos are inspiring and have helped me re set and focus
As long it is the truth and something that will help that person, Tell them. They will not like you... but, eventually, they will get it. Sometimes we all need people to tell us the truth in black and white.
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This is awesome. I would like to add one more. Not sharing how I feel when I know it will hurt the other person. A slight variation on what has already been said.
Thank you for your videos. It's a big help that I came across this when i have planned to say something to mom friends whose kids are leaving my daughter out. It's really hurtful but yes, it's for the best of everyone involved esp my daughter that i should just keep quiet and let it go. ❤❤❤
great points and helpful tips!
Hi I'm a new subscriber. I like your practical, down-to-earth advice.
I am so grateful for all you amazing videos. You have helped me so much. Especially not taking the bait. Thank you so much
This is just what I needed to hear coincidently almost an hour into the New Year. Thank you Julia. Mostly all of your guidelines resonated with me. Great topic as Im in the midst of a few personal issues with people close to me.
I'm in the same boat as you.
Excellent video! I can use the content today in my relationships! Thank you! For me, the key theme is not to respond or react when I feel bad intentions coming or to revenge. It serves absolutely no purpose!
Amen to this! Glad you found it helpful Martine.
Thank you so very for giving up your time on a holiday to offer support to us. This advice is timely in a spiritual sense for me.
You're so welcome. I'm glad it was helpful
I am so thankful for you and the content you provide. Sometimes I come here for "validation" and "comfort." Wisdom always makes me feel better. 🙏
Julia, great subject & video! Thank you for your hard work 😀
You're welcome Branda - and thank you, that means a lot.
Thank you for this video, I really needed to watch this😊
Such a beautiful and fruitful speech . I will use this video in my life from today . As few people who are close to me are hurting and humiliating me also by using their friends . And by reacting to such people is only going to to bring me more hurt.
I’m new to your channel…….thank you so much for sharing your wise content!
Absolutely brilliant communication concepts! My first listen to you and I’m all in. I didn’t know it till now but I’ve had this issue hanging over me for two weeks. You resolved it just now. ❤😊🙏🏼🤗💫✨⚡️👍
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another great lesson. you are awesome
All of your videos are amazing. They have helped me realize so many things about myself and others. Thank you for taking the time to help others understand and grow.
Excellent. Thank you for these valuable tools/skills.
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I have to watch this video again and again,thank you Julia for the lessons you are giving us,God bless you🙏🙏😘am grateful,you are changing my life
Ok 👍🎉
Really good suggestions for letting it go and button your mouth, especially when it will not make a difference.
Thank you for pointing out
I really love the way you deconstruct relationships, emotions, connections and presence. Fenomenal phenomenology! Makes me connect with my own experiensies. Profound! Thank you.
First off I have to say I can relate to your mannerisms, very classy and kind> secondly, you're suggestion to purposefully CHOOSE not to engage was AWESOME. I think we always feel we have to react to seem 'alive' lol or something. But when someone keeps at me, Im gonna try that because I too agree and stand in front of that type of reality. Thank you Julia🥰!
Thank you so much for your help and advice, it really guides us to make healthier choices in life. Paws up! 🐾🐾🐾
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All of these signs are applicable to my life. Thank you for this. I really needed to hear this especially because I live with a narcissist and usually when addressing issues, it just makes things worse. I'm definitely going to practice these guidelines
5:20
6:23
Thanks for this information
Thanks for this video. I'll probably have ti practice all your suggestions as I work with a much larger group of people now then I have ever done before. A lot of them fit into these groups and I'm sure I do too. Thanks again for the lesson.
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All of them are really good points. Ive used many, especially the last one. Number 1 reflects my father most of the time. Number 2 reflects my mother many times. I guess that is one of the reasons I live in another country.
Thank you 🙏
I needed to hear this and to be able to apply in my life 🇦🇺
really glad you found it helpful. What was one of the biggest takeaways for you?
Hi my name is Ricky Isaiah I'll find your program very helpful thank you for sharing this it has helped me a lot thank you