Dating Strategy to Help You Manage your Moods, Expectations, and BPD
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- čas přidán 22. 01. 2021
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Dating is a complicated maze for all of us, and particularly for those with BPD. There are so many moving parts when you consider meeting someone else, being attracted to them, liking them and wanting more from the connection. In this video we’re going to discuss dating and BPD and the challenges involved, as well as the guidelines I discuss with my clients that helps them manage newly formed relationships that increases the probability for dating and relationship success.
For those with BPD, it’s common for them to feel an instant connection to someone else and for that connection to turn to a sense of intense emotional need. This is often in response to the common core content of emptiness. This connection, which is attraction, becomes distorted and powerful.
Those with BPD want to go deeper than the relationship is ready for, and they often reveal a lot about themselves early on in the first date or in the early part of the relationship. This is called the honeymoon phase. Everyone has a honeymoon phase, the whirlwind part of meeting, dating, exploring each other and so on. This is like a high for many people and it’s here that those with attachment issues and strong emotional needs build a perceived dependency to and on that other person, though the foundation is new and not solidified.
In many cases, when you push the relationship to become deeper than it is, the other person may go along for the ride for a while because these are “high times” (everything’s great), but soon after, when the curtain gets pulled back when actual intimacy should begin to build, the relationship becomes off balance and the other person is at a high likelihood to leave. When this relationship that seemingly had everything you needed in it, ends your core content of abandonment is activated which triggers emptiness, which sets off your other symptoms of your BPD. You may have been through this cycle many many times, but there’s something you can do about it. You need to treat your approach to dating and your self-disclosure like a book. We’ll call it, the “BPD Dating Book of Love”
Your BPD Dating Book of Love has 4 chapters:
Chapter 1: the meet, greet chapter.
Chapter 2: character exploration.
Chapter 3: Let’s get physical.
Chapter 4: intimacy.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
CZcams: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
I was crying watching this but I laugh when he said "In chapter one we don't talk about trauma" why it's so easy to just start talking about it with someone you just met 😂😭
Because we don't want to waste our time with someone who doesn't accept us for what happened to us. Also it's a subtle warning sign to let them know what to expect from us in the future like our bpd rage and to be patient with us without abandoning us. In a nutshell to avoid being misunderstood and rejected which are huge triggers for pwBPD.
Lol I know right? I’ve always done that. My ex did it to but he doesn’t have BPD just trauma.
@@luckycharm1212 yep that’s why I told my ex about my BPD but sense I’m a Christian I told him, “I don’t think I have it.” Of course he said, “I don’t think you have it either.” We both screwed everything up in the beginning though because I thought he was playing games with me by not texting me back. Like someone else also said, “we live in a world of lies” and I’d just like to add to that “with a lot of traumatized adults children” we are adults but we’re walking around with such deep wounds. It sucks
Defs makes me wanna cry
@@mariahconklin4150 you have to let those wounds heal, otherwise you will bleed on someone who never cut you.
Having BPD is like being in love with love...
that comment hitted way too hard
"You deserve someone who values your time and does what they say they do." "Your job is not to save them or change them." This video is GOLD. Such an eyeopener, I'm so happy I found your channel, thank you so much Dr.Fox.
“Let’s get physical!” 🤦🏽♀️😂
The Dad humor is what keeps me coming back- the lack of judgement and lightness of tone is so good Dr.Fox- thanks for sharing your empathy,compassion and intellect with us.
Please please please do a video on bpd and codependency.
Absolutely.
agreed
Yes!!!
That would be a great 👍
I think he has a few already!
I would love to see a BPD book of building friendships!!
Yes!!
Extra yes please....
‘I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me’ is a helpful book
Yes please
@@aharris237thanks
For me trying to date, even online, is like entering a dense mine field full of pain, judgement and rejection. In therapy, on meds, hoping to get better.
Me too...I really hope I'm gonna be truly happy one day...this whole covid mess unfortunately doesn't help the feeling of void inside of us
Good luck to you !
you will. stay strong and positive
Update: just so you know guys, my girlfriend and I just had our 4 month anniversary. It really can and does get better! 😊
Learn to be happy single. Work on your self until you can attract quality and keep it.
You mentioned off hand a point about borderline and over sexualization. I’d love to see a video explaining that deeper!
Yes I want this video so bad as well!
Me too
Same
bib
same here! 09:57
When he said "When folks with bpd start talking about their family it goes down a dark road pretty fast " ... Whewww Chile. you can say again! 🥴😓😅 I LOL'D
It’s so hurtful yet comforting how every sentence of this feels like a description of who I am. I guess I’m learning to accept my BPD and learning to work with it or around it has been mentally taxing. Yet, I know if I don’t stay on course I will fall short of who I want to be so thank you for continuing to do what you do Dr.
this is swag dr. daniel fox
“Reading the chapter, doesn’t mean you have to finish the book.” Love that. That’s definitely “gray zone thinking.”
I was also wondering if it’s possible you could do a video on sexual trauma /BPD and developing relationships in adulthood?
Your chapter 3, ‘let’s get physical’ made me think of this.
Personally this would also be a video that would be helpful to me .
That would be perfect... I’ve lost trust abs never want to be abandoned again, it’s weird bc since I was young I’ve always been hurt by abandonment by friends now narcissist spouse of 34 yrs ... I’m understanding why we had toxic relationship even at 16 and 19 got worse he’s malignant covert narcissist I’m borderline... awful going thru divorce with Narc
Me too!
I'd love to see a video on codependency in ppl with BPD.
I actually have a story about someone who became my favourite person and partner. They were into me before I was into them. We became bestfriends for a little over a year before we got closer. It was a really confusing time for me during the transition to dating and I can't imagine how difficult that made it for her when i was unsure about my own feelings but she wanted all in. I'm happy it happened the way it did though. She's helped me mature in ways i didn't know ever needed to. It's weird how things don't go the way you expect and become something you couldn't imagine without. She has truly helped me become a better person and i love her so dearly.
update: she gave me her cheesy noodle ramen I'm finna cry.
Dr. Fox, you should turn this into an actual book.
Please because I read “ I Hate You, Don’t Leave me” and I really didn’t appreciate it at all. I find Dr. Fox’s outlook on Personality Disorders in general really different and new affirming and empowering.
@@happylindsay4475 Totally agree about I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.
This could be such a cute, lovely little book :D
it would be a great little pocket book you can consult in the bathroom while your date is waiting for you haha!
going to watch this a bunch of times. it just feels like it was aimed at me directly. perfect. thank you!
Right???!! I just had the thought that I could watch this at least once an hour for a full day. Gad, he's good, it's like he's in my brain. Absolutely wish I had this information yeeeears ago.
Omg when he said not to make excuses for the other person I almost broke down. I do that all the time and I just got out of a relationship that I had made excuses for them treating me badly and yelling at me for no reason for 2 years. I hate that I instinctively ignore red flags
Can you do a video on friendships... and bpd... and having success at it...
Some BPD sufferers do not feel empty or better yet, have triggers that make them feel empty like chronic physical illness and not having enough energy to do what one is expected and supposed to do. That, my family member says leaves him feeling empty. He also doesn't suffer from not knowing who he is. He doesn't have that symptom nor understands it. But he feels loneliness, sometimes intensely and that's when he wants the relationship to work and is giving it his all even when the other person shows toxic traits. But he is getting better at recognizing those traits and ending relationships. He has also become more comfortable being lonely. But chronic physical illness is extremely challenging to anyone but especially to someone who has BPD and I am assuming any other mental illness. He works extra hard. He is tired of the stigma.
I have BpD and struggle with codependency. I would love to see a video on that
I have BPD and have been married 10+ years... perfect timing for this video... I feel I can still use this video in my own situation... as always thank you Dr.Fox!
“Let’s get physical”
You are the dad i think we all wish we had Dr Fox 😂😂 thank you for such amazing content!!
I am trying to go out dating but I am nervous & this video looks perfect for me. Its like scary how on time this is being posted for me personally 😅 🙃 😳
I know what you mean, i feel so much anxiety like even getting ready for a date throws in an anxiety attack i take hours and hours if not days to prepare n get ready for a date.Other times i procrastinate meeting them ,,,,,,hope this video will change the game for me,,,doctor fox has changed my life in many many many ways.....
Wow I had a wild thought pop up when you said "it's not your job to heal them/save them...". A voice inside me said "well then why am I with them?" That just really put things into perspective for me about a lot of my unconscious motivations in dating.
How I wish I'd watched this 20 years ago! Never to late to change.
Lately I’ve fallen back into old habits a bit and this was really a reality check for me that also offered a solution. I am now more self aware and ready for changes that promote further growth.
I just had a small episode, but after watching two or three videos, I feel better.
Obviously every relationship is going to have a different timeline and pace, but could you elaborate on specifically how to tell that you've spent enough time in each chapter rather than thinking "welp, I touched on that area, time to go to the next chapter!"?
That’s my question
Same here 😅
This is advice parents should give their children!
Mines doesn’t tell me I’m boring, it tells me I’m annoying them
Chapter 3 always makes me think I have to finish the book and I contort myself to fit in this person's life despite sabotaging my own happiness because physical connection is one of the only things that humanizes me. I need to stop this immediately! Thanks again, I am on such a journey thanks to your videos!
I’m glad it’s helpful. Stay strong and be well.
Im watching this because I’ve been single for close to 3 years and I met someone. I really really like them, and we both feel caught of guard by the how easy it is to be with the other. I haven’t date since I had my diagnosis and I really don’t want to fuck this up
I am so happy to find your channel . My life it’s getting easier and better day by day . I am very thankful . I didn’t realize that I was BPD till now age of 40 and it all makes so much sense to me now .
I've always felt this intenseness in all my relationships but thought it was normal lol learn something new everyday lol
The advice in this video is really helpful -- People try to rush through the early stages of dating and fail to let chemistry develop naturally. The best first date I ever had was (don't laugh) a game of miniature golf.
This is such a great video. Things may be very complex in reality, but when you're so much more lost than the average person, a discrete and concrete guidebook is really a game changer. Relationships for people with personality disorders are like trying to dance when you can hardly hold your emotional balance.
I’ve been spent so much money on therapy and prescriptions and none of it helped me understand so much about my own bpd than these videos. I’ve never felt more understood. Thank you for posting these videos.
Wow, great video! I didn’t realise that I detest small talk when I’m romantically interested in a person, that small talk was a sign of them being disinterested because they aren’t asking deep questions...... but to learn that it’s normal in the first stages *mind blown*
The opposite is true for people who I see as friends, I love small talk but hate deep questions/convos.
I’m 25 from Australia, female. Got substance addiction like no tomorrow....
Finally seeing a psychologist and said detox first and therapy after. (Found yourself a good psychologist) this took years and a lot of frustration .
I started dating someone I have known for 20 years last year and I think we went through all 4 chapters in about 8 weeks. It was too overwhelming for me, I freaked out and they moved on pretty quickly. This is a very helpful video.
I had a relationship that fell apart thanks to my trust issues and self-sabotage. That was over 8 years ago. A good while later, about 3 years ago, I developed romantic feelings for a friend, and I didn't handle it well. I was honest and upfront about it, and although they didn't feel the same they told me not to worry about it. It didn't help much. I felt like I was terrible friend and that I didn't deserve their friendship or understanding. It was the worst couple of months in my life, emotionally. It got so bad I could barely be in the same room cause I was overcome with guilt and shame, and eventually started to lash out at them passive aggressively in an attempt to help them see how shitty I really am. Congratulations to me I guess, because it worked. I stopped talking to other people and kept to myself as best I could, my head filled with paranoid and suicidal thoughts. I'm not just scared of dating, I'm terrified at the thought of falling in love, and have convinced myself it's the worst thing that could happen to me; the worst thing I could do to someone.
I was doing alright again, but then my cat disappeared a couple of weeks ago, presumed dead by now, so my wellbeing is spiraling downwards and my studies are falling behind. I didn't know too much about BPD until recently, but your videos has helped make some sense out this head of mine, and I've reached out for possible evaluation and therapy, although who knows how long it'll take to get an answer.
Stay fresh.
Are you me 😭 Hope you're going better homie. I'm in the exact same spot 2 years later... The worst part was she also had BPD and we were like endlessly pouring gasoline on the entire relationship.
I'm 30 years old and only realised this year that I have quiet bpd so I was never fully self aware even though I knew something was wrong. I did all of the don'ts that you've listed. 😂😂
Dr. Fox, QUESTION FOR YOU...your videos are so helpful and I might add NEVER judgmental, which is so needed for those of living with BPD. I read or maybe saw that what those with BPD are actually love bombing and entrapping (much how people/professional describe narcissism)-is this your view? I know there is likely some overlap in Cluster B, although I tend to see the major difference is that those with BPD Have tons of empathy and those with NPD have little to give. Making the partnership obviously Opportunistic for one person.
And yes please, I would like a video on BPD/co-dependency. There are other high profile docs out there that have a ton of negative views on BPD and co-dependency. Which, I find super harmful and ethically questionable. Could you please create a vid on the similarities? I find myself seeing both creep up, and dating really seems to ramp these up, especially when pre dating , I feel quite independent and un “clingy.”
💯 ...that was well put!
@@ryana411 thank you🙂
Great comment 😊 thank you.
@@happylindsay4475 pleasure🥰
I feel so fucking exposed by this video. It's like someone finally understood me for the first time. But it makes my BPD want to fight someone. Lol.
I've been seeing this guy for a bit now and he said to me like... I want to do more things together and just spend time together. I understood what he meant... But this just reaffirms that I needed to be slowed down in that moment. Big ooph.
I'm sold. I definitely need to check out your book finally. I think this could be honestly life changing for me as I'm about to start my DBT therapy tommorrow.
I'm scared but I'm optimistic about my future potential. ❤️❤️
Omg thank you so much for this video! Please make more healthy dating videos if you can! I am binge watching your videos and this one was extremely helpful! I am on the 5th month of a breakup with 3 months of no contact and still feel so much pain. This video helped give me so much perspective that I should have left on chapter 2. She didn’t value my time. Chapter 3 was an even bigger red flag she was not attracted to me. Yet I stayed because of the fear of abandonment. I became a sheep farmer to make her happy and gave up my hobbies for her. I will listen to this video a dozen times if I have to so my next relationship starts out healthy.
Finally! A road map for relationships! I wish I had seen this video 40 years ago!
its hard to explain how helpful your videos have been for me. thank you so much
I mentally can't do small talk. I won't even be focused on the person..... I'll just be focused on how effective my small talk is and get stuck in my head and not present. I've tried. It doesn't work. Small talk is neither "easy" nor "breezy." Its complicated and stressful.
*Yes, please do a video on codependency!!*
i feel like i'm totally depended on my parents and will be depended on a partner. i find that i don't want to be the 'older' person or the leader, but i want to be the 'younger' and the follower. i'll follow and take care of the back end by i need a front lead. This has to do with my childhood and the pressure to be the mature one as i'm the "elder" one and i don't want to be the grown up, the "one who has to lead". This pressure ultimately lead to my life ending.
This is all so relevant for my life. How many people saw this video was coming and were more excited than another Star Wars movie?
Yes, please do a video on BPD & co-dependency. Is it unusual to only realise you might have BPD in your 50’s? I’ve also been co-dependent, constant urge to please others, overly on alert to others moods , have addiction issues & abandonment issues after losing my Mother at age 13.
I guess it is unusual as anything with age as people tend to get more stubborn as they grow older, so a lot of people might not believe they have mental issues.
It’s very exemplary I think how open-minded you are!
Sorry about your experiences. Hope you can get a good diagnosis and either way find more peace in the future
I wonder this too.
I had a toxic relationship for 12 years so healed for 2 years than dated one guy for a while. I ended it out of fear of abandonment. Realize now I had been living with bpd for most of my life.
I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 16. I am 20 years old now. I was offered great therapists and medication to help. And I rejected all of it because of the fear of being unsafe. Tonight I have watched all your videos and it has validated myself completely. I took out my notebook and wrote everything I needed to help me actually take charge of myself and my mental health. Our mental illness doesn’t make us who we are. We can most definitely cope and change and help our lives be more comfortable if we take charge and find a more adaptive way to ensure us who we truly are. I wish I could have you as my therapist. You have already changed my mental state and I couldn’t thank God more for placing you in my recommendations. You are a true blessing Dr. Fox! 💖
Psychologists are not allowed to diagnose BPD until the age of 18... Are you sure you're not just a narcissist?... 🙃
I was incredibly bad around your age, as in dangerous. 15 years later I am significantly better, have some good friends, a steady career, a long term partner and now a baby. I was never diagnosed until now, although I was 100% sure I have it. Learning from videos and books, writing things down, reconceptulising and not indulging on substances helped so much. Good luck unknown young person, you've got this!
Does anyone else thinks that Dr. Fox is Foxy?
And voices, I hate my voices. They seems so real.
not me realizing I just skipped right to chapter 4 in all 25 'relationships' I have had and me having wondered why they always ended by them leaving me.. damn this is kinda sad.. but thank you so much for this video! I really did learn a lot!
I'm content being single for the remainder of my days. Nothing triggers my BPD more than romance relationships. They can turn dangerous in the right conditions.
Dangerous for whom?...🦉
@@Sensei_Sean😂😂😂 we all know that was a passive aggressive threat... I am impuslive, cannot control myself and I think I hate people that cheat, more than pedophiles and rapists at this point, and given people's opinions on them,you can probably make the logical conclusion on that 😂
@@AnimosityIncarnate why do you hate people that cheat if for what that makes you feel? How does that make you feel? Those are the feelings to explore.
Really needed this! I'm feeling hopeful
hehe my like made it 1k. thank you for making these videos btw, appreciate how detailed you are with this disorder, literally haven't found anyone as helpful as you. thank you!
love this approach to dating. thank you!!
We all love you ,great works , so well done.
Did I need to hear this today!
Thanks, Dr Fox
It is unbelievable to feel so understood, thank you.
he always drops these videos at the right time. quiet borderline here suffering in my relationship, i'm causing a lot of problems and can't seem to figure out how to go ab my relationship moving forward, dont wanna hurt my partner but struggling because we both love eachother and want a future. ugh
Thank you so much for this video!
just wanted to say and i hope you see this but you are a living angel i literally was in such a down depressive moment and literally wanted to give up and then watching your vids give me so much hope, i don't really have family that talks ab growing up or anything so i've had to figure it and i don't really have a father figure that's present and you have helped me so much i hope you know you change lives on the daily. i'm 21 and diagnosed w bpd, did, panic disorder and so on but i get in the head space a lot that i j need to learn to accept the fact that i won't b able to have a relationship in this life but i watch your videos and they give me so much comfort and hope and it's really something i've needed. god really answered my prayers when i came along your channel. i hope you know the amounts of ppl u convince to keep going. really can't thank you enough but thank you
Also if you’re a Christian and plan to not have sex until marriage do not let the person know right away until you’ve known them for a while
Your videos are so incredbly helpful, much appreciated.
Love your channel! This is amazing info
Hit the nail on the head for me.
You are the Guy, BPD Whisperer. Thank you.
Thanks for compliment and support. Be well.
You rock, thank you for making this video! I didn't realize I even needed this information ❤
thank you so much making this dr. fox - so many amazing takeaways!!! would love a vid on codependency and bpd
I don't have BPD myself, but I just wanted to say I think everyone, and especially people with a history of trauma in their childhood or early life, should listen to your book of love. Great resource! Thankyou!
Thank you very much and I’m glad that you found the video helpful. Take care.
Dr Fox, i couldnt have been more fortunate to have found you! Thank you for being such a bright light and helping me and so many others! Just wonderful content and such an amazing person! Keep doing what you do! Thank you unmeasurably a lot!
Thank you so much, this is an eye opener
Exceptionally empowering and insightful, as always. Thank you, Dr. Fox!
Excellent video! Thank you.
Dr. Foxx doing the lords work once again
I love how passionate you are about music
This has been so helpful the past few days. I’ve listened to it a couple times now thank you for putting this information out there. It’s so hard to come by and feel understood.
I really needed this!!! I’m glad I found you bc I’ve been going through this diagnosis trying to figure it out. I bought your workbook which has really helped me in the past couple of months!
I love your energy and the dad jokes hahahahah I died laughing at ‘you can google it on CZcams’ though, I don’t think that was intentional but thank you for that 😅🤣
Thank you for this video. This was much needed for me at this time
Thanks for making this video Dr Fox always really appreciate your guidance
I just came across your channel and want to thank you for sharing these videos..
Side bar Dr Fox is hilarious. Lol. Education and humor. Thank you.
thank you for all you do. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
i think people do not change, if, it must be a deep trauma in a play or some other significant incident... we like what we know...
Man, this video hit me so hard, I needed to hear this ❤️
Yes please doc.. make that video... :D Love your videos btw.. I was diagnosed in the fall, and still learning how to deal with my emotions.. Your videos are very informative
Very good explanation
Thanks Dr. 😊
Omg I’m so great full for you! ❤️🙏🙏🙏
Jam packed with wisdom and hope. I’m so glad I found this video this morning. Thank you Dr.Fox .
Im currently in a limerent emotional cascade and this is helping a whole lot!
Thank you so much for what you do Dr. Fox. I'm learning that BPD explains exactly how I feel and I've never been able to understand "whats wrong with me". Your videos give me so much hope and ease not only my mind but my heart. Hubz OF 10 years who has DPD and I are separated but are trying to learn how not to be toxic for each other. PLEASE CREATE MORE VIDEOS ON BPD AND DEPENDENT COUPLES! 🙏❤ ✌
This is so powerful . You're an awesome dude I just started watching your videos and I love them
This was exactly what i needed to hear. lots of fear around my new relationship and this helped so much! thank you! will definitely be watching again
Every time I start one of these videos I feel a sense of dread like I’m staring up at a giant mountain I need to clear a road through to get to a better self, by the time the video ends though I always feel a little bit better.
Thank you soo much ...you are the only one that makes videos in bpd and for us is soo helpfull 💝
Thank you for this video. I’m trying to manage BPD on my own and this was very helpful.