Bipolar Disorder and the Imposter Syndrome
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- čas přidán 5. 03. 2019
- When you are feeling well, have you ever felt like your depression or mania was just a scam? This video is based on a viewer question asking about feeling like she is an imposter when she is in between episodes.
I discuss three possible reasons for this feeling and two things you can do to lessen or rid yourself of the feeling that you are an imposter in between episodes. I give you a sensory grounding technique that you can use to address this feeling or address any overwhelming feelings.
Videos referenced in this video
Derealization/Depersonalization video
• What Is Depersonalizat...
Strategies to Manage bipolar video
• How to manage bipolar ...
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
I upload every Wednesday at 9am, and sometimes have extra videos in between. Subscribe to my channel so you don't miss a video goo.gl/DFfT33
I never realised that other people also felt this way about their bipolar disorder. It feels good to know that I’m not alone
yes you are not. 🙂
@@DrTraceyMarks hi tracy i have clinical depression am i all alone!
EXACTS
I feel this way since my meds started working lol
@@DrTraceyMarks I have depression not bipolar. But I do forget how miserable I am when I'm depressed if I think about it when I'm okay. I didn't think I was faking it though. I just know I was depressed but can't remember the intensity and I feel like the people I help, have it worse than me. But when I get depressed again I feel like I'm a hypocrite for helping people when actually, I'm the one who needs more help because I'm the who has an illness and they "only" have problems (this is my thought when depressed so it can sound invalidating but y'know what I mean here).
So my question is, is this the same as the topic? And can people with depression be like this too? Like they feel so well they forget their experience with depression?
Idk if that makes sense cause I'm really miserable right now so I feel like I'm just blabbering.
I tend to forget my last episodes. If am depressed, I feel like I was depressed all my life, but when I am manic, I see my life as constant ectasy, disorganization and intensity. Now, when I'm doing ok, it is hard for me to think of times when I wasn't
@@spectator8285 SAME.....
OH. mY goSh. Me too
I completely understand
😮😮😮😮 this made me so emotional, I thought maybe I had made it all up in my head even though I had been going through a mad depressive episode for months. Now I’m ok again I’ve just been thinking maybe I just made everything up and i’m just a shitty person 😑 but I’ve realised this happens over and over again
I FELT that lol
I always feel this way when I look back at my manic episodes, even mixed episodes, it’s like I’m remembering it and then it just hits me “what if I’m exaggerating? What if I took things too far in my memories and it wasn’t actually like this?”
Same
YES YES EXACTLY. I'm always like "huh, now I'm fine. I probably just exaggerated this shit"
Right. Like, what if I'm the one taking things too far or being toxic or reading too much into things?
Yeah, then you read your notes and you see some pretty wild shit haha
same here
I feel this so intensely. I only ever feel bipolar when I'm hypomanic. Then I tend to obsess about my mental health and this is when I've sought help. When I'm depressed I usually don't feel depressed enough. Why am I complaining? I can still function. I don't function well, but I do function. When I'm normal it feels like everything was just me trying to get attention. It doesn't help that I have ADHD as well and the symptoms can sort of overlap.
@@delaniedeegan822 I know you didn’t ask me, but...this brought up some thoughts about the matter for me, too, One thing that makes it easy for me to tell my hypomania is real is when I can’t stop talking or other manic behaviors. For example, I’ll be talking to a family member or my significant other and they will tell me they need to stop talking and get some sleep, yet I cannot stop myself from entering their room 11 more times to say “one more thing.” Laughing but serious
This is me. I know there’s something wrong when I’m hypomanic because I’ll feel physically uncomfortable. But most times, I just think I’m “moody” and complaining.
Oh my god I've never heard someone talk about the not feeling depressed when you're depressed
OMG same, same, same
Dang, I could’ve literally written this myself word for word. Wow!!
This is for all the normies who say, "there's no such thing as a mood disorder! Everyone has moods! All you need to do is have a positive attitude/believe in yourself/practice mindfulness/say these nifty affirmations/stay away from people with negative energy/ have more faith in God!"
Please, please, please stop.
I don't know how anyone can believe that if they've really seen someone in an episode or experienced it themselves. It just comes from lack of understanding.
Who gets to say what is or is not a real illness? I suppose that back in the day that might have wasted time trying to exorcise demons from some who might simply have been bipolar and might have overlooked one who really had the devil, but did not have mania and depression. I do have faith in JESUS and find it very comforting knowing that He will always love me no matter my ups or downs. I have also had brushes with self righteous and narrow minded christians who had insinuated that if I had more faith that I'd be healed or if I was more (like them) righteous that I would not have these issues with BP. Some people would say that I shouldn't need my meds if I had more faith. Thank GOD I never took any of that crap advice. I would not tell them the same stuff (nor would they believe it) if they had a broken leg, heart disease, or cancer. I hope that you might find true believers who understand that we are all equal in GOD'S eyes and all people are broken in some way shape or form if they were really honest. GOD help you as you journey through life and seek to find a healthy mental place.
Yes! 🖤🖤🖤
Lol this is why my mother doesn’t believe I have bipolar disorder just “need to work on my mood more” 😂
"happiness is a choice" not for me...
This exact mindset was why I never thought I was bipolar...just depressed.....
I think one of the problems I have is I forget what it felt like when I was bad off. When I feel better it seems like I'm fine and nothing is really wrong. Now that I'm older and very compliant with medication and therapy so I remind myself that I am worse when I go off of my meds. This takes a lot of effort because everything in me tells me to stop the medicine. I'm bipolar II so I experience more depression than hypomania. However when my mood is elevated I feel like I don't need any meds or therapy but that happens less often than the depression. On the meds I usually feel flat...very little emotions but at least I'm able to get out of bed and go to work . But yeah it's a journey. Journaling is a good way to track things. I always start but never finish my journals. Maybe I'll try again.
Good idea Tiffany. Thanks for sharing your experience. It can be a big struggle to stay on medicine especially when you feel well. 🙂
Tiffany Stevens Idk what type I am exactly,cause of some specific reasons,but I relate when you say you feel flat when on medz.I am a music producer,I need my creativity in order to make music.But when i was on medz I didn't feel creative even a little.I stopped taking medz cause they were destroying me instead of helping me.Idk why it was like that.I was like a zombie.I moved and talked slowly.Almost like my brain was slow.I couldnt engage in any activity and I stayed in bed all day.I felt like I was high.The 'weed' high😹.I feel like you might relate.Idk.
Stay strong though,I love you❤️
Tiffany Stevens ditto ❤️
Hi I'm currently barely open to taking medication for my bipolar disorder. I too suffer for more hypomania than hyper. Just curious to know what type of medications you take. I'm on a mood stabilizer and ssri. Just asking cause i wanna get off of them but i need other bipolar sufferers opinions rather than my normal friends and family
@@MwBHarrison hello. Were you on a mood stabilizer?
I've been symptomatic for the last 4 years but I still feel like a liar when I'm feeling okay. It sucks that other people experience this but I'm glad I'm not the only one
I'm glad you get a chance to see you're not the only one.
@@DrTraceyMarks Yes, it’s very helpful!
I can relate to this. I often end up feeling guilty when Ive worried my family/caregiver with my depression and possible suicidality and only a month or so later I feel fine. I feel as a fraud, like Ive cried wolf. I have bipolar2 disorder.
It makes me feel guilty . Especially when I'm watching the dishes pile up or the laundry I've procrastinated folding , like how could I let myself be so unproductive .. it gets to a point where to me this is very real but everyone else thinks of it as an excuse and that makes me feel like a "fraud" .
Yes. I feel like the world's most pathetic mom. The guilt is terrible even though logically, I know I'm doing my best.
@@simoneroets4382 me too as a Mom....just looking around trying to figure out how everyone else seems to have it all together
This is so accurate, I thought I was the only one who felt like this
I'm glad you see that you're not.
yeah fr i feel so bad, like im one of those attention seeking self diagnosers but idk
ikr its amazing how far medical science has come, she knows more about my mental health than i do and i grew up experiencing it
My dads been diagnosed with bipolar disorder my entire life. But I never believed he had it, because he always told me “oh I was faking it when the doctors gave me the diagnosis” even tho he had been to doctors sooo many times for so many episodes, manic & depressive. So as a kid hearing this, I believed him. Now as an adult, I’m putting all of the pieces together. This imposter syndrome makes SO much sense.
I've never felt like I was faking symptoms (though I've felt trapped by them), but my friends and family have thought I've faked or exaggerated them (which makes me feel even more trapped).
I unfortunately truly relate to this. They don’t understand that it’s beyond our control and I’m shamed and blamed like I chose to be this way. You’d think family would be more supportive but I guess not.
Remember that they don't know what it's like for you and when people don't understand, they can say inconsiderate things. I mean if this disorder is confusing for the person themself, like why am I suddenly not okay, you probably can imagine that people from the outside who have no idea of everything going on inside the mind of someone with the disorder, is very confused as to why there's such a sudden change in your behavior. It still sucks. But remember that you know yourself best and someone else telling you who you are, you should never listen to that. If you know better, which you do, don't let peoples words get into your head and doubt what you know for yourself. It can be hard having this disorder and the people around you not understanding you. But try explaining how you feel to them, so they will understand better. You can tell them that you feel this way, that it's hard on you and annoying that people think you fake symptoms. You could tell them how that makes you feel alone and misunderstood and you could ask them to listen to you and be considerate of you, even when they don't understand you or question your credibility. If they love you, you can ask of them to believe you despite their doubts. Someone who cares about you gives you the benefit of the doubt.
I am saying this because I get that it's lonely and the wrong reactions of people around you can be harmful and make you feel alone and misunderstood, but if you don't want to be misunderstood, communicate with the people around you. If you have good people around you, explaining that something is important to you is enough. They don't have to understand exactly what's going on with you, if they understand you need them to believe something, because you say so, because it's important to you and you say that it's true and you know, because it's your truth.
@@agentwolf5305 Remember that they don't know what it's like for you and when people don't understand, they can say inconsiderate things. I mean if this disorder is confusing for the person themself, like why am I suddenly not okay, you probably can imagine that people from the outside who have no idea of everything going on inside the mind of someone with the disorder, is very confused as to why there's such a sudden change in your behavior. It still sucks. But remember that you know yourself best and someone else telling you who you are, you should never listen to that. If you know better, which you do, don't let peoples words get into your head and doubt what you know for yourself. It can be hard having this disorder and the people around you not understanding you. But try explaining how you feel to them, so they will understand better. You can tell them that you feel this way, that it's hard on you and annoying that people think you fake symptoms. You could tell them how that makes you feel alone and misunderstood and you could ask them to listen to you and be considerate of you, even when they don't understand you or question your credibility. If they love you, you can ask of them to believe you despite their doubts. Someone who cares about you gives you the benefit of the doubt.
I am saying this because I get that it's lonely and the wrong reactions of people around you can be harmful and make you feel alone and misunderstood, but if you don't want to be misunderstood, communicate with the people around you. If you have good people around you, explaining that something is important to you is enough. They don't have to understand exactly what's going on with you, if they understand you need them to believe something, because you say so, because it's important to you and you say that it's true and you know, because it's your truth.
Thank you for this! This is 100% me. I always worry that I'm faking it and I get embarrassed by my behavior all of the time.
You're welcome Fallon!
Exactly!!!!!!
This is me and I hate it. I keep feeling like a liar and I tried explaining it to my therapist. He didn’t really get it. I also sometimes feel like I’m experiencing depersonalization and told my therapist how I felt hoping he’d say it was depersonalization. He didn’t. And I really find it hard to believe my symptoms and diagnosis is true. I keep thinking was just being dramatic,or I’m too dramatic when I try to discribe how I’m feeling. It’s like I don’t even believe myself, so why would the person I’m speaking to?
I really have a hard time with my diagnosis. My therapist is psychoanalytic and thinks there is a reason for everything and I think he thinks my issues can resolve in theraphy. I keep having this debate in my head of whether bipolar is going to just stop with talk therapy or it is just something I have and have to learn to live with. Also my frends and family seem to firmly believe it will be healed. It feels comforting to think that, but it also feels like they don’t understand. That also puts so much pressure on me. Like I have to work hard to get better and if I don’t, it’s my fault.
Whoah, there is so much going on now, this message is already long and I could just keep writing 😄 Anyway, my point is, that I’m thankful for these videos Tracy. I’m from Finland and I feel like this kind of information and support wouldn’t be available for me if it wasn’t for you tube and your videos. Thank you 😊
Awesome Heta-Stiina. I'm so glad this is helpful for you. I trained in a psychoanalytic environment and its pretty common for the analyst to focus on unconscious motives and anxieties as the reason for your symptoms. And yes with this approach you can feel as though your recovery is all up to your efforts. But you can feel so much better with medication no matter how much insight you have on your unconscious world. Thanks for watching from Finland. 🙂
Thank you for this comment and this video.
I feel like this too 🥺
Have you considered getting a different type of therapist? Insight doesn’t heal bipolar disorder. It’s good to have though
I have bipolar and believe it can be healed, I went to healing prayers at my church and lowered my medication, and have not had any mania or psychosis symptoms since! The next step is to stop. Let's see what happens, but I have faith Jesus will heal me.
I'm not Bipolar--I'm diagnosed as BPD--but I have this. It's the one thing that prevented me to come clean to my doctor over the years. Even when I write down my bad episodes--I still feel like I exaggerated or faked it because I "can't relate" anymore.
My parents and friends invalidated me when I told them that I felt like something was wrong with me. This was because I was able to function normally in public, I tried to understand my symptoms on my own, I am female, and I was still a teenager when I opened up to them about my personal issues. The therapist at the first psych ward I went to even accused me of faking my illness for attention, simply because of his first impression of me. He would have turned me away and let me commit suicide if I didn’t insist on staying. I don’t trust people anymore because of these experiences, and I always give myself a hard time by invalidating my own thoughts and feelings. I still suspect that I’m faking my illness, or that I’m being over dramatic and sensitive, and I hate myself for it. But it’s helpful to be aware that this is an issue that a lot of people face. Thank you
Hi, I just want to hop on here and let you know you're not alone in your experiences. I experienced what I now know as Complex Trauma due to repetitive exposure to traumatic events as a child. I was generally a functional severely anxious child in my teen years but everything came crashing down when I turned 15. Up until this point, I was an academic star pupil and super mature due to parentification. But I experienced my first depressive episode and hit rock bottom. I stayed in this space through to the next year and attempted suicide, then a brief period of "rest", even energy spark after my folks were called to the school. But the following year I packed everything up and returned home to demand a school switch cause I was super depressed.
No one quite understood and I remember hearing about relatives gossiping about me from both sides of the family. Suggesting I manipulated my parents with suicide when in actual fact I exhibited unipolar depression symptoms for two years straight. I felt so ashamed about speaking up and even though I sought therapy in university, I'd always stop when I "felt better" to minimize self-shame, to make it look like I am completely healed now.
On the flip side, I read a lot and tried to be an activist on mental health disorders because it was so hushed upon in my time. I remember the very first time a caregiver actually told me "You're not depressed" then my first counselor thought she'd treated me in three days?! My second therapist at 20 finally supported me with the right tools and my current therapist and I have lasted 4 years now. I know I'm so lucky to have more good experiences than bad ones with therapists.
I'd also say as a result of being shamed and misunderstood, I distanced myself from mental health stuff although what I now believe to have been bipolar was triggered early on in my childhood. Even though other family members are now either getting diagnosed with mental disorders or becoming accepting of them, I find it so hard to actually trust. I'm currently building trust with myself again after disassociating with mental health disorders for so long. Also trying to understand how they probably didn't know any better while setting strong boundaries.
Yesterday, a cousin who underwent similar experiences after me reminded me that I was super intuitive about what I needed and was ahead of my time. And I believe the same can be said for you. I truly hope things have got better for you over time. That you can be proud of how much you know and understand yourself enough to ask for what you need. That your feelings and concerns matter. You may be living with Bipolar but your brain definitely isn't broken. I am rooting for you.
@@nimu04 thank you! :)
What a coincidence! I was just thinking by myself only a minute before I saw this new video that "maybe I am not ill, because I have felt quite emotionally stable the last 5-7 days. Not any hypomanic feelings, anxiety and not very depressed nor any suicidal thoughts, so my diagnosis must be wrong". Every time I have stable episodes like this I always think that I cannot be ill. In my childhood and teenage years I always forgot my bad episodes and bad feelings and thoughts, and was always thinking that by a miracle I was healed and had overcome my then unknown illness/disorder. I used to have a stable episode lasting about 7 days back then every month. Sometimes it could last a bit longer, and sometimes even some weeks. And every time I thought that I was cured somehow, that I was totally healthy, and that the bad and dark chaotic episodes were just nightmares that I had overcome, and they belonged to the distant past, and now they were only bleached memories fading away more and more - until BHAM a new bad episode hit me again to the ground, into the darkness, into despair. I do think during my good episodes that I am a fraud and that I should stop seeing my doctor. Because I am not ill, I should not waste my doctor`s time. I am so thankful, Dr. Tracey Marks that you made this video! I have never seen any information about this topic anywhere before. I can really relate to this. And I have now decided to not cancel my appointment with my doctor next week, after all. I cannot express how grateful I am for your videos. They mean so much. I learn so much from them. All I can say is Thank You so very much!
You're welcome Paynes! I am so glad you came across this just at the right time. And I'm glad you're still going to see your doctor next week. All the best.🙂
@@DrTraceyMarks Thank you so much, and all the best to you too!
I cant tell you how seen I feel. I'm diagnosed bipolar 2 for about 10 years now. I still feel this way, and at least for me, part of it comes from being taught as a child that if I'm struggling with my mood, it's my fault, that I should be able to "choose" my mood. I have a lot of guilt around being "needy" when I'm in-between episodes. Thanks for this!! Glad to know I'm not alone!
My lord you are THE ONLY Dr that has been able to explain these complex and intermingled issues and disorders so plainly. You are BRILLIANT you FREAKIN SUPER COMPUTER THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE OWE THE UNIVERSE A TON OF FOR BIRTHING YOU INTO BEING THANK YOU TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!! Yes I have Bipolar/manic episodes and am up right now, since 3am attempting to manage my symptoms that no doc has ever been able to identify or help me with. They just call you "diseased' and let you keep talking. The standard is: NO methods, strategies, behavioral alterations and indicators. NO, day to day logging of behavior not tracking PRE-episodes symptoms and behavior patterns. I'm not tellin' you nothing I"m telling the UNIVERSE YOU ARE A GENIUS in gratitude. Thank you I was starting to think western therapy was useless. I was just dealing with counterintelligence. DR REV AUNTY SISTER TRACEY MARKS IS BLESSED IN FULL MEASURE
I feel like this so badly and it tortures me. I have spent so much time researching bipolar spectrum disorder, trying to find a light bulb, trying to find the answer that puts a stop to this interrogation I give myself. I feel like I'm "making it up" "making myself like this" "got into a bad habit" "not trying hard enough" "if I didn't think negatively I wouldn't get like this". And sometimes I'm scared to tell people/professionals I feel like this, because I think they will confirm this and say "your right, you don't have bipolar, you've convinced yourself so much this is a self fulfilling prophecy, you need to stop it, you don't need the medication, get a grip. You have lovely life, you just don't appreciate it, your ungrateful" even writing that really upsets me. I have felt so depressed, I planned to end my life, seriously planned, to leave my children letters as I believed they would go on to live much happier lives without me in it. My children are my everything, deeply everything I do is for them, every breathe I take, this retraumastises me everytime I say it. At that moment I found a little piece of me that was trying to shout please tell someone. I've also had some awful thoughts and beliefs. But I internalise so much of this, try my best to hide it, it's only when I'm absolutely destroyed that it's all exposed to everyone else and things are bad. I find it really hard to relate to hypomania. I can think of times my mind has been on fire and my body dying, I can think of these periods where I felt greater than great, they are fleeting, but I don't think they have ever caused me any problems. If there ever was anything in my past, I cant remember. I can only remember feeling depressed and that being the problem. I cant even say "I have bipolar" I cringe when people talk about "your bipolar" because I think they don't believe it as much as we and I think, why are they all lying, do they know and they feel sorry for me? You can probably see in this comment some of the torture. But it's a bit like offloading it. Because no one on here knows who I am, so I'm not necessarily exposing myself for a fraud. I think too, if it's not bipolar, then what? Why am I taking this medication? I wonder if that was as exhausting to read as it can be in my head 🤣
This is extremely interesting, very strange. That was my thoughts exactly, I feel as if I was misdiagnosed somehow. However, I have experienced this when I was down for a few days...the troubling thing is my wife thinks I am pretending as well, but I have no control over them... I will keep a record of it.
This could not be more true for how I feel with my bipolar disorder....also my chronic migraines.
I have both as well I wonder if they are related
Your hair always looks great but when it's styled like in this video I especially love it it's so pretty
Thanks fancy animal. Sometimes it has its own mind with how it falls down and shapes itself
Gosh, this video was perfectly timed! I’m an ultra rapid cycler and rarely go more than a few days without symptoms. The other week I had 6 days when I was well, no suicidal thoughts, which always accompany my depressive episodes, and though I didn’t think I was faking, I did think that my illness wasn’t that bad and I’m making a bigger deal out of it than I should. Thank you for validating some of the thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced
You're welcome Erin B I'm glad this came just at the right time.
I don’t have rapid cycling, I have really long normal periods, especially in the spring and summer and in fall and summer I start cycling from hypomania and depression, when I am completely normal and in the middle, I start feeling like I fake it, that I am doing it for attention almost since I go so long without it. I completely forget how much bipolar ruined my life before I got treatment.
either
a) I faked it, for 8 years, which is pretty stupid ^^
b) I was sick
c) they made me sick and kept me there.......
what do you think?
i say its awnser c and they spent 10years laughing at me hisddenn of course......
and having fun... going to oktoberfest with their friends and her boyfriend......
but destroying me if i go once.....
@@elibjo01 how long your normal periods lasts?
U are so great, I feel like I would rather listen to you than my own psychiatrist, u make so much more sense in a few minutes than the hour I spend each month with my doctor. Gosh I wish I could be your patient ❤️
Oh thanks so much Roxy. Thanks for continuing to watch. 🙂
You get an hour a month? You must have good private insurance. I only get 15 minutes every few months.
@@DrTraceyMarks
I also wonder what I need a Dr. For?
I get so much information about this issue from you than anyone else.
You are truly effective at what you are doing!!!
I will keep your efforts and your ministry in my 🙏's. You are performing a ministry 🤗
You help to change this 🤯
To this
☺️
Thank you!!!!🤗
I like, watch, replay & share you
EVERYDAY
I'm feel like I'm never doing well. I've been in a depressive state for 4 months now. My core belief is that I don't deserve to feel good about my body and so I don't exercise at all. I can manage to eat, sleep, and bathe myself but I have no motivation to exercise.
Thank you for answering my question! Even though my diagnosis is now Cyclothmia I still feel the same feelings. :) it’s so good to see that I’m not the only one who feels like this! I will deffo share this around when people don’t get my feelings. Thank you again! :)
You're welcome Claire. Thanks for the great question and thanks for sharing the video
When I look back to my deppresive period I often thought: was I really feeling that awful to not get out of my bed and room for weeks? Or was I just being lazy ? Was my illness just an excuse to avoid my responsibilities? As much as I learn that deppression makes you feel that way, I couldn't avoid to think that I'm just lazy 😅😥😓
I'll tell myself quick that I'm faking whatever is wrong with me and if I'm moving towards a low mood it goes from casual "oh, that was obvi for attention" to pure verbal abuse but to myself. It's truly a mad feeling and is frustrating to manage
omg this is ME
i got so excited seeing the title
thank you so much 🥺
Same here. It is so hurtful. The amount of times I told myself I prolly was faking it for attention is... Overwhelming. I lt hurts me so much. It comes and go and it is always a pain.
Same here!
You're welcome I'm glad it was helpful.
Omg Im not the only one?? Sometimes I feel like such a fraud.... Until ............The next round comes. When I feel ok its like nothing bad ever happened and when go into the pit it feels like my whole life has been a horror show.
I dont wish this on anyone but there is right at this moment a part of me that is relieved Im not the only one.
Thank you so much for talking about this. I've never seen anyone else talk about this either, and the comments are really reassuring.
My imposter feelings are a little different. I have bipolar, and whenever I'm manic or depressed, I feel like "Oh, THIS is the real me."
When I'm depressed, I feel like I've been faking my more "normal" times, that depressed me is the real me.
I think I know why it started. I had my first depression when I was 13, and while my parents saw it was bad enough to get me diagnosed, they didn't get me help. And the fear of rejection was so strong (especially at that age) that I learned to pretend that I was ok, even when I wasn't. I just realized that made it hard to separate out and understand when I was actually ok and when I was pretending I was ok, so it makes sense that I would feel like depressed me is my "real self".
When I'm manic, I think "This is how it's _supposed_ to be. This is the real me!" One time, before I knew I had bipolar and was ramping up into mania, I thought "Oh my gosh, this is how everyone else thinks and feels. I get it now!" Except a couple of weeks later, I was thinking that I was so full of love and light that I was going to save the world, lol.
Now, on medication, I just call this is "stable me". It doesn't feel like the "real me" - I think I'm a bit too flat to feel that. But I'm calm and stable, which is something. I told a friend about this, who's seen all the "States of Huff Snuffleupagus" and she said "But flat is way better than before, yeah? Not having to go the hospital for suicidal thoughts and not moving in with someone two weeks after knowing them?" She has a point, lol.
Anyways, just throwing my thoughts out there. I hope it helps anyone who may have felt this way too.
I feel like this when I feel good. I have actually stopped meds a few times thinking I am fine and couldn't understand how I could have ever been so depressed. Of course this just ended up sending me back on a downward spiral
this has also been my pattern for so long too. Its difficult to rationalise. I know full well, yes, last time I was in a stable patch or (perhaps some hypomania coming through) i stopped my meds....and then I got ill ( the meds were helpful after all, who knew) Yet each time I'm like 'nah I don't need this, I'm good'. I think this illness takes a lot of objective discipline, its just so difficult to have a balanced sense of self, when you have to second-guess what you are feeling emotionally, physiologically etc..and i think that exprience of deep deep depression is so traumatic your mind can.will do whatever it can to deny it. I find it helpful to focus on accepting/acknowledging the sheer scope of my emotional experience. That that pain ( and joy)is part of me always even if its not locked into focus in my present. Sorry, I have waffled!
@@rachelmhaines I always say u have to take it 'minute by minute's not day by day. Dealing with mental illness is exhausting but it forces you to become very self-aware. Sometimes things can seem so distorted and u have to really have muddle thru it objectively. Lots of hugs to u and everyone else out there dealing with similar issues.
I have bipolar 2 and I know this feeling so well. I had to watch myself for years and work with my doc and my therapists together to really stay on track even when Im in an normal phase. The problem often was that I not just once changed my docs and my therapists mind too. Years of training in mindfulness helped me not to get trapped in this again and stay on track. Great to see that as a topic here.
Dr. Marks, THANK YOU. Never in my many years of enjoying CZcams have I found a video to be more relatable and helpful. I never knew how to articulate this feeling, so I appreciate the viewer who asked the question and you for your examples (i.e. did I just buy that Jaguar for attention?). I have these thoughts CONSTANTLY during stable episodes and cannot thank you enough for speaking to this issue. Just feeling understood makes such a big difference. I really appreciate the work you do, Dr. Marks. Thank you for making a difference.
You're welcome Alex. I'm so glad this helped you feel understood. And to know you're not alone.🙂
Thankyou Dr. Marks
I’ve recently been diagnosed with bipolar 1 after 57 years!
Your videos are helping me understand it so much.
I wish you were my dr.😇
You're welcome Maria. that’s really a late diagnosis but it happens. Here’s my bipolar playlist where I grew all of my bipolar disorder videos. CZcams allows you to save other peoples playlists. As I make new videos I will continue to add them to the playlist.
czcams.com/play/PLazcP3-djRZ0IoYFWgkl0_tFtBVqA3bu-.html
Dr Tracey, I got in a mania episode and felt amazing, I stopped my meds and now I feel like a mess again. My moods are all over the place. I have fallen into a depressive state.
Watching your videos make me recognize my behavior and it’s nice to read the comments and realize that I am not alone.
I am getting back on my meds but I am struggling.
I lived with untreated bipolar until I was 48 yrs old. My cycles could last for months. There were stretches of time when things were great and I thought nothing could go wrong. Then the ball would drop and I would fall apart. I would literally loose everything; my job, my home, my friends. There were times when I thought I might need medical help but as soon as I hit an upswing I would forget all about it. It wasn't until I tried to kill myself that I knew something was really, really wrong and went looking for help. When I was finally diagnosed and put on medication is when I changed. It didn't happen right away but after a few weeks the real me woke up. It might sound hard to believe but it felt like someone turned the lights on. It might be possible to forget how things were before but I hope I never do. I'll take my meds and keep doing what I'm doing because I never want to go back there.
Oh my god yes!! This explains SO MUCH!!!! When I'm manic, I never saw the depressive phases coming. I mean like, more than just feeling great and not thinking about it, but it's like I didn't even believe I could ever actually _be_ in that state. It was like "who, me? Getting paranoia? About other people? Ha! Good one!" And I really meant it. That made it harder when I did get the paranoia, because I never thought once "well I was thinking wrong," it was always more like it just didn't happen. That was someone else doing something, obviously, because _I_ don't do anything like that.
It took a doctor telling me that it wasn't just "like paranoia," it *was* paranoia. I explained to my psychiatrist the first time I ever met him how I was socially anxious. He then rephrased it, and I realised this whole time I had really thought that people were just mean, and I was afraid of that. I felt like such an idiot, how could I have not noticed that? Of _course_ management wasn't having secret meetings with the rest of the team behind my back in order to plot against me. Obviously having a conversation about something work related wasn't a subtle code about pushing me out.
I just literally could not imagine that I would feel that, so I made even worse reasoning that other people really were being assholes then. It all makes sense now how I couldn't see it.
Thanks for this video. Since my diagnosis in January, I've had people tell me that I don't "seem" or "act" bipolar, and I'll question how bad my symptoms actually were during an episode. I've even often thought that I was misdiagnosed when feeling normal, or at the beginning of a hypomanic episode. These comments also help me realize I'm not alone
Wow, I'm glad to know I'm not alone with that one. Thank you for this.
Dr. Tracy, I can’t thank you enough for all the support and work you provide. Thank you 🙏🏾
Wow, this was SO helpful. I struggle with all of this and I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you!
Thank you for not making me feel crazy about these feelings and that there are other people that relate to this feeling.
Thank you SO MUCH for this! It is so good to know I’m not alone.
I’m new to your channel, and this video made me cry. I’ve never felt so seen by a medical professional, thank you for sharing this.
Omg, I just found this channel and it's amazing! I was watching an interview with anne hatheway about her character in modern love (I cried a lot watching this episode, reconizing so many episodes in my life) and then, at the suggested videos I found this channel.
English it's not my first language, but I understand almost everything and I really liked it ♡
For me, I feel less like I was seeking attention by doing something when manic that I wouldn't actually do, and more that when seeking help I will be treated as attention seeking if I try and seek early preventions. This means now that when I hear my friends saying 'I think you need to up your meds/see your doctor/go to the hospital', and if it's still early and I'm still reasonable enough, I'll either feel fine and therefore not need to, or that I don't want to be seen as attention seeking for trying to take care of myself. It makes it hard to talk about when I'm well, because I know how unreasonable some of the things I do when I'm sick are, because I don't want that attention. It's also from how I've been treated at times trying to get that early help - it's come back when you're sicker. I don't want to be sicker, and I (used to) know how (trying to find a new regime right now, so not sure right now). Bipolar is still seen by some as something you can control, when really when I'm manic I'm so not myself that it's almost like a separate person, and the memory loss from psychosis add to that as well. So I need to control it early on
Or I'll feel like an imposter seeking help when I'm fine and maintaining that because I'm fine right now. Which is a necessary part of maintaining that, but I feel like I'm wasting their time. Or I'm wasting their time for being a hopeless case. There is no cure, and there is no satisfaction they can gain from helping me. Helping someone and seeing them progress makes people feel good, and I can't do that. I am not trying to repeat the same mistakes, I am just living with the same illness I cannot cope with. I have episodes even when I take my meds perfectly and I'm trying...
Everyone receives attention for things in their life, and I don't want all the care my friends and family have for me to be because of this illness. I want to do awesome things and celebrate with them, but it feels like this illness takes all the time they have from me away from who I am as an actual person (in context, I have bipolar 1 with rapid cycling, so it causes lots of problems at times). So I cannot ask for space, to the point I haven't had a birthday cake in two years.
Also, thank you for introducing me to the term ego dystonic. I'm very interested to learn more
this literally made me cry, thank you so much. Oh my god from derealization i've never even notice thank you so so much
I'm bipolar 2 and currently off meds cause of this very reason! I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
Thank you Dr. Tracey, all your videos are very informative.
Thank you so much. I had a lot of trouble putting this into words, i was so confused.
crying a lot because I really needed this. It’s so specific to what I’ve been feeling all my life and had no idea other people were experiencing this as well. Thank you
Thank you for covering this. It’s just the cherry on top to feel like you are crazy, making up an illness, on top of depressive episodes. This is validating and insightful.
I don’t have BPD but I’ve definitely experienced this regarding my own diagnosis. This page is so helpful, and this video is really enlightening. I feel seen.
Dr. Tracey, you are a true gift for us. Thank you, this video gave me so much understanding on those who suffer from this illness.
YES YES YES. I can’t believe I barely found this video!I love your informative mental health videos Dr. Tracey.
I really been having this issue from the beginning of my diagnosis. Thank u for what you do and answering that commenters question! It helps a lot 🤩
Thank you Dr. Marks. I feel like this all the time. The older I’ve gotten the longer my “stable” episodes get and I always tend to believe that my mental illness isn’t real. But then I have an episode that I don’t understand, then I go back to a stable episode. Recently I’ve been able to look back and realize that my last confusing episode, like many I’ve had in the past seem to have been mixed episodes and have worked on recognizing other episodes I’ve had along with the help of my therapist. And discovered of the possibility of me having bipolar 2. It’s so important for us to look back and try to document the good and the rough times in our lives to help us understand what’s going on. It’s absolutely insane how there are so many people out there that feel the same way as me. I honestly thought I was the only one.
Wow. So very thoughtful this video. This makes a lot of sense. Thanks
this was literally the most relieving video
I'm not nearly as crazy as I thought. Thank you so much!
This is so perfect, Dr. Marks 💖 Weeks after I've been diagnosed BD, I was so hesitant to take the meds because I had like 2 days full being half-okay - and I spent hours being confused if I was misdiagnosed or just making things up. Thank you for this 🤗
Thanks for the advice, Dr. Marks !
I relate to this video on a level I didn't think was every possible. Thank you!
This video really helped me understand these thought patterns more and I’m hoping I can use this knowledge moving forward
Wow!! I definitely needed to hear this!!
Thank you, Dr. Marks. Your work is empowering and the content is easy to understand.
This is a unique topic that caught my eye and I'm so glad I clicked for more!
Not only is this accurate for BPD episodes, but across the board for many mood disorders.
There's times where "it couldn't have been that bad", it was just a (couple of) day(s).
Or hearing, " she's just in one of her MOODS again. She will come around."
There are times when depression, BPD, mania, etc can even 'feel'llike (a perception of) schizophrenia.
Looking forward,
MRB.
[TBI Recovery Artist].
I love your videos so much, they bring an added layer of comfort to difficult experiences and thoughts. I always feel a little less alone and educated.
This is brilliant Ive never even articulated this feeling, and honestly even if I can think through the facts of my history that I know happened I'll still somehow convince myself that maybe I'm just self diagnosing and I was being dramatic and indulgent. Absolutely something I want to talk through with my therapist thank you for sharing.
I just can’t believe how useful this channel is.
Thank you so much. I felt like crying with relief while watching this. I have felt this so many times. Even told my psychiatrist that I thought I was cured for good. I think that I just feel so bad for having this illness.
Thank you for talking about this! I experience a lot of this and its really disturbing.
Watching all of these so good to actually hear someone else tell about things I go through such a healing channel
👍🏼
The emotional impact for me to hear this is such - I have had to rewatch this and literally slow down the playback speed and turn captions on just to fully be able to grasp how beautifully articulated you say this.
Revelation fighting horror in my mind.
I really like your videos. I’m a therapist and I like the way you explain things. I feel like you’re so organized and empathetic that I would recommend these videos to clients who need to learn more about their diagnosis.
Thank you for this video. I didn't know others felt the same way. I always feel like I'm faking or exaggerating my symptoms. But when I'm it I really can't help it, especially when I'm delusional or psychotic. It leads to me hating myself for bothering other people with these "fake" episodes and eccentricities. Seriously, thank you for bringing this to light.
So glad to have discovered this channel...I tend to chastise myself about being an impostor....dealing with schizoaffective disorder the psychotic part literally has a mind of its own....I'm glad I'm not only. Thanks.
This is exactly what happens. Thank you for talking about it ❤
Tracey, your videos are excellent: straightforward, informative, kind. I have been diagnosed Bipolar 1. Surprisingly, unlike perhaps many others, I welcome the diagnosis. I was wrongly diagnosed as depressed for more than 20 years. Yet with lithium treatment alone now, I have my life back. This one and other of your videos on coping with bipolar illness are all very helpful and encouraging. Thank you!
This was so helpful! I relate to the content in an amazing way... you summed up many thoughts I have felt! Thanks so much!!
You're welcome Kerrin!
i really like Dr. Marks videos their really helpful informative but also compassionate
Hi 👋 I found this very helpful, I have been beginning to understand these concepts, but it really helps to make the ideas concrete, it also helps to solidify my sense of self ❤
Great video! It's so validating to know I'm not the only one who experiences these feelings. Thank you for bringing this to light! 🙂
You're welcome Lisa!
This video could not have come at a more perfect time for me... Thank you so much for what you do. You are amazing.
You're so welcome Megan!
I didn’t know how much I needed this video. Thank you Claire, and thank you Dr. Marks. This is exactly why I’ve gone off my medication in the past, and I absolutely feel disconnected from my behavior when I’ve been sick. The feeling bleeds into episodes as well, because I start thinking I’m being medicated to make me ill, and I don’t actually need it.
As somebody with bipolar I completely agree with what Tracey said at the end about that feeling getting better with time. You'll experience things and perspectives from various therapists that you can hold onto and it does get easier ❤️
Honestly needed this 💜
Thank you so much. You are informative, bright and real. Very helpful...
Even just having a reputable person acknowledge this helps me! I am feeling quite stable right now and have been starting to slip into the 'why am I on so many meds? im not even sick.' But I am sick, I have a diagnosed illness. I have been taking steps to feel better and am getting the desired result. Thank you so so so much for this video.
I feel that exact way. Thank you to whoever mentioned this first. It causes me to have a huge problem getting therapy, because I feel that my therapist must have more important things to do, must see through everything I say to whatever stinking sludge must fill me. I tend to feel like I'm not telling my therapist the things she wants me to tell, or II feel like she's thinking I'm wasting her time, I'm being a burden on scarce resources, and I'm annoying for my therapist to have to deal with. This whole thing is why I, this very morning, decided I just can't do therapy anymore. It makes me worse because I spend all my time feeling like I'm bad for my therapist or boring her or that she just wants me to go away.
Thank you, I have also had this feeling. I feel better knowing other people experience it too.
Literally watching the videos in the order that the questions are popping up into my head.
This hits home. And of course it pops up in my feed when I get a new mood stabilizer.
This is such a real thing! My family questions the diagnosis. Not the people in my house. They see intimately the difference between when I’m good and when I’m not, but diagnosed at 42, my friends and extended family still say that everyone has times when they are not as good as other.
I was just thankful to finally understand what’s going on in my brain, so that I can move forward with that understanding and get help working through both the highs and the lows.
Thank you for this video I’ve been diagnosed a few months ago and I feel this way often between episodes it’s honestly like that person commented almost harder than the depression it’s like you think of your episodes as stuff normal people do and rationalize it so thank you I’ve been having such a hard time with this
I watch my daughter, who has Bipolar I, go through some of this. Not enough, sadly, because she spends most of her time depressed at various levels. Thank you for putting out these videos. They help.
I used to feel like this, but through the years, its undeniable, the intensity is real. Such a fine line between creativity and insanity. Good luck!
After watching several hundreds of psychology videos on CZcams, I can say that your channel is the best. You have a scientific, rational approach, and, most importantly for me, you do not dramatise or vilify any personality or mental disorder ( some channels specialized in NPD or BPD are just filled with drama, I speak of a certain Dr Ramani) and you give valuable and practical tips. Thank you so much.
Dr. Marks your channel is saving lives. I love you. Thank you so much for your work. Very helpful video. I thought I was going crazy. Thank you.
You’re so welcome I’m so glad the videos are helpful.