#Adoption
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- čas přidán 27. 10. 2021
- United Survivors (United Suicide Survivors International) hosts a fantastic panel.
While the traditional narrative around adoption is win-win-win, the reality is that many adoptees struggle with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation related to adoption trauma. Four adult adoptees will share their insights and experiences around both adoption and suicide prevention, with compassion, experience, and hope.
Learning Objectives:
· To increase awareness of suicide and suicide prevention in the adoption community.
· To promote strategies and resources specific to the needs of adoptees and the adoption community regarding suicide and suicide prevention.
· To amplify the voices of adult adoptees in regard to their life experiences and wisdom, with emphasis on suicide prevention.
Panel of Adult Adoptee Speakers:
Lynelle Long, Founding Executive Director, InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
Website www.intercountryadopteevoices.com
FB Page: / intercountryadopteevoices
Twitter: @ICAV16
LinkedIn: / lynelle-long-8a6399
Kevin Barhydt, Book Author
Book link: mybook.to/DSMM
www.kevinbarhydt.com
/ kevinbarhydt
/ authorkevinbarhydt
/ kevinbarhydtofficial
Amanda Transue-Woolston, MSS, LSW
@amandatda (on IG and Twitter)
Jessenia Parmer, Founder of I Am Adopted
Twitter @iamadopted
Facebook.com/iamadopted
www.iamadopted.net
Panel Facilitated By:
Maureen McCauley, Writer, Editor, Artist, and Adoptive Parent
Blog: LightofDayStories.com
I've known three adoptees, all male, who've died by suicide. One was like a brother to me, and it happened when he was 15.
What an enormous grief to carry since you were young. Thank you for being here.
How can I connect with you. I was given to a foster family after birth. They abused me and another adoptee for years! The state never checked on us and we literally knew nothing else. Tied to box spring beds every day and locked in a room. This went on until I was 10. Next was the foster care system and group homes. A family adopted us in the next year. Happy beginning because they think there saving us and we were just happy to be treated Soo good. Well we had issues!! We were finally seeing what life was like outside of abuse and foster care staff and all that good shit right. We had behavior issues. My brother had alot of anger from the abuse we went through I was able to manipulate to avoid some of beatings and other abuse but he got it worse. Now think I'm 11 he's 13. Were already more than halfway to being an adult and I'm eating McDonald's for the 1st time. The parents were not prepared to deal with it. They had no idea how to relate and it angered them that they we would get in trouble and we were told everyday how ungrateful we were. But get this they adopt another boy. Same behavior issues now all 3 of us are ungreatful. The new boy was the first to be kicked out. My brother now 16 was next to go. And when I was 15 my adoptive parents had me call a shelter because they were just so upset I couldn't be greatful and stop misbehaving. Well they took it a step further now I'm an adult, never recovered but I hid it well. Developed a drinking problem and couldn't figure out why I can't just be normal. Adoptive parents pop in give money and FORGIVE me for being ungreatful but the next mistake I made they disowned me. Turned off cellphones took my car they payed for they took everything for me to start over with nothing. This happened 3 times. This last time I was officially told I don't deserve there last name I should go back to the abusive home because I don't know who my real family is and again took everything. If you think adoption is fucking all roses and sunshine I would love to really tell you ALL of my story. It's too long to put here. I'm 27 now started Altruistic LLC and I'm going to spend the rest of my life changing this system and giving the as many kids as possible a real opportunity to be successful and understood. Actually give these kids the resources and materials to be successful just like a NORMAL Child. And think the ones that age out are setup on government programs and sent out to fail.
Thank you for taking time to watch our video. You've been so through so incredibly much. Thank you for sharing your story and your plans.
I am sorry you experienced so much awful trauma. You deserved love,patience and compassion from your adopted parents. They should have loved enough to help you through the trauma and the pain you experienced in the other homes you were in. You deserve love,compassion and dignity.❤
Let me know if you need any help with anything
I am a psych registered nurse and I seen a lot of adults that were foster, adoptees or had one one the parents erased from their childhood with Suicide Ideation. Many of them became homeless and not only that they also have a drug addiction
How would you explain this? Your point of view is interesting. I am an adoptee, I ve been homeless and I am currently fighting to get rid of my addictions for good. So yes, a lot of us are/were this way.
I have always felt "something" is wrong with me.
I haven't been able to put my finger on "what" that something is.
It's a blank space is how I have described it before,
there isn't a word or a feeling or a thought associated with it, its just there.
I filled it with food when I was young, with sex and drugs after I left from home and was on my own .
At times in my middle age I have tried to starve it, by making food the enemy water and anything to nourish it.
Entering into agreements that i knew would be so very punishing, I was front and center.
None the less, not one of these attempts to waterboard it to surface had worked and still today, the blank space, I still carry around and
Im tired. ❤️
Oh gosh I agree 😢
I ve tried so many times.
I dont believe it will get better.
I finally understood why.
I am broken.
I think that for a lot of us, it is just a matter of time.
As a " community", adptees should help themselves to go without pain and with some decency( unlike my birth).
It is something I often think about:
I was born alone, abandonned at birth then put in some public nursery. I will die alone too, buried with no funeral, into a public pit.
At least I am not asking "why me?" anymore, I dont care.
I should not be born at the first place.
Life was/is so painfull and hopeless, I feel relieved to leave it behind me as soon as I can.
Also NOT EVERYONE has someone that "loves you". I have no one.
Edit: I was very dark. My bad. It comes and goes. I hope I ll find a way to enjoy myself a little bit more instead of whinning on youtube.
I understand all too well. I hope you are still sticking with us.
@@D3epFaik I do.
If it helps I get the waves of demented emotions and always here as a fellow person born into foster care ❤️💔
I understand too. It’s hard not having a tribe. It’s hard making your own tribe if you’re never allowed to share your true life experiences with being adopted. We can claim a corner of the cemetery: adoptees corner. In the meantime I hope you find a helpful therapist or support group or something / someone. Good luck out there.
@@GirlPower342 thank you. No I will end in the pauper's grave.
Therapists, support groups...
I guess it is too late.
But I am "fine" with it.. I think life is evil and I am not gonna miss it.
Just have to organize a decent way of going away.
I was adopted at 5 weeks old, into a loving family who embraced myself and my adopted brother as their children. However, we always knew from like 10 years old or so , that we were adopted, and also not actually related as siblings. It was always an issue and not really spoken about when it was needed. I found my bio family and that has been a very hard journey for many reasons, and I have learned a lot. I have NEVER felt like I belong in either family. I have always felt out of place, even to the point of not feeling human at all. I have not been able to talk about it much, as it seems someone is always offended, I am too sensitive, or I worry too much. Ive been told to be grateful from both sides. I have been told that I dont consider my bio mothers pain in giving me up. I have been told that I am part of the family as well - but it never feels that way. My adoptive parents have both passed away and I do not have any contact with their family (mine for 40 years) at all. My adoptive brother never coped with life and is not in my life at all. My bio siblings and I do not communicate either. Or with my daughter. Although I am not resentful, and certainly had a great childhood and no real trauma, being adopted was HUGE in my life and still is. I have had suicidal thoughts many, many times, as well as battled with alcohol for most of my life. I feel like what happened was I was magical and yet never special. Found without being lost and lost without having a real name to list in lost and found. I really think that being adopted comes with a lot of psychological issues, even when no childhood trauma is paired with it (its even worse then, I can not even imagine, so sad for the innocent kids).
This was a lot & emotional to read. I get a lot of it. I was an adopted only child. Interesting to hear your experience with a brother. I wanted a sister I think. Your statement “magical but never special” struck me greatly. Would you explain it a little more?
I'm a bio mom. I hope for reunification in the future. Since you bring up suicide im super worried now. I should go into the MA in counseling if I can afford it.
We need to bring together support from adoptive families and biological families. I want to write a book on adoption with members from my support group.
For years I was supposed to believe I had mental illness it turns out I am neurodivergent and I have known this since I was three.
I want to get involved in preventing suicide in adopted individuals. The adopted persons I talked to mentioned nothing about suicide. I do want to talk about it and do something.
Wow. We need this so much! So informative. As an adoptee, I've been reticent and hesitant to speak out, because I don't think any member should be blamed or feel bad, but I really need people to understand how traumatic being adopted is. And post-adoption support, oh my God, I needed that as a child and still do at times.
I was adopted at 3 months old in Jamaica West Indies. I am mixed race. Before i was adopted i was not held and cuddled as a baby so i did not get the bonding as a baby that i should have received. I tried to commit suicide many times first at 7 years old. I was physically,sexually,mentally and spiritually abused by my adopted parents.
😢that made me cry really badly. Hugs 😢
I’m so very sorry you were hurt
Thanks for taking the time to care. Have a good day.❤
This message is for United Survivors. You did not care to answer my post which is not good. Is it because i am mixed? My Caucasian mix is Irish and Scottish the other mixes are Indian from India Venezuelan Portuguese and black. United Survivors you all are not suppose to be prejudice. It is not good. I might not listen to any more videos of yours. My Irish and Scottish relatives were born and raised in Jamaica West Indies and they have the right thinking.😅😂🤣🤔😬😒
Thank you for this! I am an adoptee beginning to amplify my voice and story to help raise awareness and educate about both suicide and adoption. I wanted to get my facts about the space straight (since I only had my own experience), and this was a great jumping off point.
So glad you could join!
Holy schnitzel Ursula .... I know you you.! This is Brooke. We met at UW in 2001 in A Marsha L. borderline study.
You were the best.! ♡♡♡
Not sure if you recall .... but I was adopted too.
At the 42:18 mark, what you said about not trusting anyone and how this shapes relationships is so true. Thank you for this video and grateful that you have all come out the other side. Glad I found this video ❤️
I’ve really struggled since I was young. This kinda thing *never* occurred to me until I read The Primal Wound. It felt like I was looking in the mirror for the first time.
What a magnificent video, as an adoptee that's only now associating my deep of deepest issues with adoption. Like the panelists I also had many more traumas. This has really helped and inspired me in my work as a coach. Thank you So much ❤️ I'd like to see more and even take part in more 😊
This is a real interesting group. I'm an adoptee who's actually worn to a nub from decades of that stigma. Us kids were always introduced as "my adopted children". More like her qualifying societal live images and objects. So my point is, what's the problem with recognizing that adopted kids can have intense loving feelings for one of the parents and...this death had so many hurtful n bizarre psychological events but the worst was relatives staring at me like a zombie scene when I'd just got done spending who knows how long emotionally devastated from my dad's passing and realizing he was truly gone in the ladies room during the memorial. Plus nearly 4mo before a near death cesarean. And no not one damned word of compassion from anywhere. Even mean talk for not acting I don't know what to mommie dearest of the dark triad of malignant narcissists. So what's the matter with adopted relatives being so insensitive and ignorant? It felt like a lot of time you had one foot barely in the circle of Acceptance but all the rest of me in some other place I didn't particularly like to feel. I also wasn't included when ashes were spread. So the point is, I can totally understand carving n cutting n hiding it. Keeping a personal code of silence. It's weird to me that the sexlife of a fruitfly gets $ n a study but adopted people are pretty much left to their own devices, despite times of psychotherapy n my own self work that's ongoing even in late 60s. You're never to old to learn something new and now I'm aiming for inner peace.
Thanks for sharing your story . I'm a 62 year old male adoptee ,the difficulties we all share are now at long last being understood and recognised ,such an enormous shame this did not occur many years sooner ,but at least we have a community of adoptees trying to better understand and help fellow adoptees . Best wishes to you from Nick .
My adopted sister and I were never invited to family weddings or funerals or god forbid family reunions. At one big family reunion they all had matching t-shirts made and got their cute group picture in the local paper. As two blondes in a sea of brunettes who look almost like clones of each other, we would have ruined the picture I guess. Used to be happy with crumbs of attention like annual Xmas card, but I’m over that now. Peace.
This was a great discussion thank you for having - fellow adoptee
I love that I found this group. I am an Adoptive mother. My son is 33 years old, he has expressed suicidal thoughts since he’s 10 years old, as far as I knew. Are you all aware of Dr. Gabor Mate? He does have a deep knowledge of the trauma of the adopted child & how addiction & suicide ideation & action come together. My son is suffering in his addiction to alcohol & drugs. I’d like my deeper knowledge of this issue to be able to guide my son to also “not want to die!” Thank you, you lovely people!
He is NOT your son!
He has been separated from his mother that is why he is sick now!
I was adopted 1980 Georgia an I think an adult adoption has transpired with relinquishment to bilogical mom who i wish I never met ...
A lot of good ideas and considerations. Very moving. I highly recommend this vid to anyone who has the least iota of interest in hearing about life issues n do a righteous study to perhaps help facilitate funding to bring help to a group that...bring people in from the cold n have more awareness and compassion in society. Which that part starts at home.
I will take the time to pour out my trama I was told I was not adopted but that they had legal custody of me so all my life I have felt like a piece of property my bio fam and adopted fam are real fam like brother(adopted dad) and sister (bio mom) I have watched them only bond and talk to each other about beating me n how I didn’t cry ever in African American culture emotional education n mental education doesn’t exist I can go on and on about my suicidal tendencies but I am now finally finding out what was wrong with me my whole life I was adopted at 18 months n I am now 33
Yall could bebefit from a support group. Are there support groups for adoptees especially those with suicidal ideation.
I am a bio parent looking forward to reunification and adoption is not easy to talk about especially as bio parent
For decades ive dealt with a mental health diagnosis that turns out to be neurodivergence. Im really worried about my son born in 2018. The adoption was supposed to be open.
Hi, never knew that all the adoptees feel that way… I am thinking of adopting, but don’t know what to do, what to say to my future kid, if this happens… I have a lot of love and compassion, but if they don’t trust me, how can they be helped ? And yes,the system is broken and I feel so bad for the kids.
Do yourself and someone else's child a favor and don't adopt.
Try to help a struggling mother. Dont steal children with your money.
@@renacleerican7824this is not always possible, the parent had to want the help and done don’t. It’s tricky because, the kids need the help (a loving and stable home with family). Maybe continuous therapy for both the parents and child.
Maybe consider having the child call you aunt & uncle, not mom & dad. We only have 1 mom and dad. Asking a kid to lie and say that you’re now the mom and dad sends a confusing message about lying and shame, and about how “permanent” bonds can be broken at any time.
Being aunt and uncle forces potentially shameful conversations out into the open which as an adoptee myself I think can only help the adopted child feel less like an embarrassing secret.
Keeping the child’s given name, ideally first and last, would be another way to honor the birth mom and dad, & keep the child connected to their heritage.
Read up on CPTSD bc many symptoms of it present as the kid being well-adjusted and loving and flourishing in their adoptive environment.
Yes, ongoing therapy by an adoption-informed, CPTSD-informed, internal family systems-informed therapist is necessary. Patrick Teahan & Gabor Mate have good videos though not specifically aimed at adoption triad folks.
Hope this helps.
“no one studies the suicide/adoption nexus but we know it’s real.” hmmm 🤔