Narcissistic Family: Signs You're Escaping the SCAPEGOAT ROLE
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- čas přidán 3. 10. 2023
- Learn to recognize the signs that you're moving away from the painful 'scapegoat' role and getting it out of you.
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So a scapegoat is sort of like the Portrait of Dorian Gray
@recoveringsoul755 When I was a kid, I watched that movie several times. Ha. I still remember it and I'm just now turning seventy. 😀
@@LyndaHill it's an interesting movie and concept
I've been researching narcissists for about 11 years and it seems like them a lot. They always blame someone else.
@recoveringsoul755 Yes, his soul was very dark. Definitely thought provoking.
@@LyndaHill and then if you watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I think Dorian Gray was in that too. I've got a handful of birthdays to get where you are
I never want to see any of them again.
Hi, I'm also the same way, but I feel like some people wonder why i dont get along with my family and avoid me. Do you ever get that?
@@crazychristmas100Yep. You just have to pretend. But be careful of the "families are forever no matter what" people who shame you for not having a good family. They are also unhealthy usually and either accept abuse themselves or will expect to be allowed to emotionally abuse you.
@@amberinthemist7912 great advice. Will put it to use. Thank you so much!
@@crazychristmas100 I tell people my parents are dead and I have so siblings. It stops ALL the judgment and BS before it begins. There is no need to carry any part of your toxic family story into new relationships. Save talk of them for your therapist and let your new relationships form without the shadow of your toxic family.
@@Gemmarose9012Yeah. In a realistic way they are passed on. You have the right to say no to anybody that you don't want in you life. It's just a permanent boundary.
Leave and let the family turn on each other, which they definitely will do.
💯💯
That's what usually happens,until they re- group and choose the next scapegoat. I've been no contact for almost 25 years, so I don't know who took that role, or whatever may have happened during the years, and I'm not interested in finding out ! 😊
Yes I’ve noticed they tend to turn on each other. I’m scared i might be next. First it was my mom, then my dad and my brother was the one doing the turning on. My dad and brother turned on my mom. Then my brother turned on my dad. They might turn on me next if they haven’t already.
After my mum died who I hadn't seen for 7 years I broke no contact to see my dad, don't do that trust me , but i did find out he was a narcissist too, I thought it was just mum and so was one of my sisters who is now not so invisible, she was the invisible child growing up, because dad needs her now mums gone and she's been given the you will now look after me role that he gave our mum. Anyway I found out that the oldest sister had taken over the role as the scapegoat and my dad said " see your not the only one who's been ostracised " like it was normal to do that to your kids. My parents loved to divide and conquer us sibling's and the liars he tells is incredible, I left and im no contact again. You can not in anyway under any circumstances have a relationship with people like this, their bat shit crazy but like to make you think you are.
Mine just did that after my aunt passed away.
Family member asked me why i changed. After i told my reasons and feelings, she answered i should not plant anger and that they were just little things. It’s so disturbing how toxic family arent even aware of what they are doing.
especially when the abuse is emotional/psychological, so you have no evidence that you were abused... toxic family members only understand physical scars and bruises and wounds... they don't understand that there is a such thing as emotional abuse, so you have to "brush it off" or "get over it" or "it's not that serious" or "you're making a big deal out of it."
Never ever engage in a completely useless conversation with a toxic person that could care less about you that will go to report to the "others" that you are "crazy", "see I told you, she/he is always the victim" on and on. Don't waste your precious time, i.e. DO NOT JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain. You will be a LOT better off.
What I’ve seen, whether it’s in family or workplace narcissistic abuse, with me and perhaps others being scapegoats, is that while it may “seem” they don’t know what they’re doing, it often comes out later, that they were quite conscious and knew exactly what they were doing.
awareness is the hallmark sign of recovery for narcissists. It is exhausting to ever get to that place in their life.
Exactly, when your whole family has personality disorders it's hard to get a foot hold in your mind. Took me 28 years to realize what was happening to me, glad i finally broke the code
Super quick for those of you with no time today:
1. I think about it less. I'm triggered less. It's just not as important. I am gaining distance from the family or of the role of scapegoat.
2. I feel more normal. I can see more of the family distortion, gaslighting and scapegoating behavior. I know their depiction of me isn't true.
3. I am criticizing my family less. I am no longer so obsessed with their behavior toward me.
4. I can see that my family members are caught in their own distortions. Scapegoating me is a part of the dysfunctional system that they grew up in or became a part of. It is, therefore, less personal to me.
5.I understand that their emotional processing has to undergo a deep (probably unlikely) conversion before the scapegoating narrative (lies) will change.
6. I have facts others do not know and I don't feel defensive about people's view of me or their support of the scapegoating system I have been the subject of.
7. I see scapegoating as a role I was expected to play. It is not who I truly am. I'm starting to be bad at playing this role.
Great video. Save it for later!
Thank you Jerry.
Thank you for the bullet points
Thank you!
Thank you so much for your great work, Jerry! You have helped me so much and I am very grateful ❤
Dale, awesome progress 🎉 !! --- Will use in my own reflections ... 🤔💯
Thank you!
After 45 years of dealing with being Scapegoated I've come to realize that they have made their decisions and are not going to change. So I've gone No Contact and disowned them. I finally chose myself and my Healing Journey.
Same here, no regrets.
💯
So many dreamers destroyed for what? Maybe I'll see you on the path if I make it out...
💯🎯✔
Yep. I just don't care to talk to people who talk down to me and make me feel badly. They say it's my fault but I'm perfectly capable of maintaining mutually beneficial relationships with other people. So I just have to cut ties with them. They can think whatever they want about me, that's not my business.
Yea, Amen🙏
❤💯💯
Thanks
Yes, that's it. Strangers treat me better.
💯
What I hate is that the family feel they have to warn others about me. They have even turned my nieces and nephew against me and/or convinced them there is something mentally wrong with me. I do realize that they do this so if I should talk about what goes on in the family, and the truth about me, no one will believe it. Still hurts sometimes thinking of it. Anyway, thank you so much for the video!! So healing!
I so get this! I’m still grieving over the loss of my family.
I am here. You have no choice but to walk away.
Sorry RUN away!
Exactly the same situation for me, I even knew not to bother to strive to be a great uncle, because it would be sabotaged. I could expect my niece and nephew to be groomed to see and teat me as the scapegoat, the odd-ball nut-case with many issues, the one who is always trying to derail the family, just by being himself.
It is hurtful beyond measure to realize this about our family and begin to wake up.
A storm of emotions needs to be felt through, until one day that break in the clouds comes, and the sunshine booms on through and fill us with Light again.
Those bastards made us forget for a while, they derailed us, made us forget who we really are, before the scapegoat costume was forced on us, but the Truth always has a way of finding those that thirst for it. Not just the truth of any particular situation, but the Truth of Reality Itself, the context of Existence. Enlightenment.
nicely said, thank you:). Blessings
I'm right there with you. Can't talk to any family at all they have been "informed" of my "mental problems". It really does make you feel crappy but it is what it is.
I am not who they say I am! They don't even know me.
❤
Same
Facts ❤
They do know you @mysteryGrey, you're more than likely the one who has a BIG heart, empathetic and full of passionate intensity about loving others, creative and with so many other qualities that they can NEVER even come close to having, so they are deeply jealous of you!!!
If you are creative and they aren’t, they go whole hog against you.
Or if you are intelligent, or capable, or principled, or attractive, or possess any skill that the members of the narcissists' cabal may or may not. Any superlative(s) you have make you subject to constant ridicule, gaslighting and marginalizing, especially when other people notice your good qualities. And it gets worse when you use those qualities to empower or enable the narcissists. Everything you say or do can and will be misconstrued and used against you in all forums, public and private. I bore the brunt of our mother's privations for 54 years. As Mr. Wise says, I was the Coca Cola, and the role I was forced into was absurd.
Agree. And somehow ‘different’ in any other way - like being an adventurer. Seeker, gettin educated, being ‘hot’, being LGBT, and the biggest - being an independent thinker
@@MJ-qb5ph Yes, regrettably, the narcissist knows no boundaries, except for their own. So far, our mother was the most difficult case I've encountered, but one of the six of our parents' kids seems determined to eclipse her dubious status. The stories just might make your skin crawl.
@@DHW256 I’m so sorry. I know enough from my experience to imagine what you said.
I agree with you but that hate is extended beyond just the family. Perfect strangers can be against your creativity. There’s an element of jealousy there and the general dumbing down of society.
Probably the most important thing is you want to learn this stuff before your body is destroyed and you physically cannot get away from them
Yeah.. it’s very important to get away from them in order to start healing
You nailed it! I was the skapegoat and my sister was the golden child. I have been no contact for about 10 years. I got several messages from her recently, bringing up the same script from when I was a teenager.
I am in my 60s and my sister is 2 years younger.
The messages were so incoherent and disturbing. I played those messages to my therapist and she found it was shocking ramblings, as well. Our family was a classic example.
I'm glad you found the video helpful, protect your peace. thanks for watching
They can't stand it that YOU are ok inspite of all the abuse and theft and lies....
AND....
they STILL might be found out....
and YOU are still a good person ....it makes them insane....they know their day if reckoning is coming.....and YOU are out of the BS finally.
Hope you don’t answer….it’s not worth it
@@dotsyjmaher💯💯💯
Sounds like my life
Escaped months ago, blocked and disappeared from their evil lives! Never felt more at peace ✌🏻
Omg how good is that ,peace😊
Another ESCAPEDGoat Here!!! Loving LIFE mostly... Finally!! Good for u
It's good to see a smiling face on CZcams talking rationally after you have been dealing with insane, dysfunctional and sick people.
So true ❤
Fortunately I realised the craziness and cut them off from my life for many years. Also I am a Christian, and in God's eyes we are all equal. I believe narcs are distorted and wolves in sheep'sclothing.
So you went back 🤔
Narcissists are the original wolves in sheeps clothing.
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
Protect your heart.
Good to hear you escaped.
💯💯💯
Me too! I even wondered if my mother was demon possessed
We are not all equal in Gods eyes. He wiped some people clean off the face of the earth. He told the disciples to get a sword and defend themselves.
I was gaslighted by my parents. They even brainwashed my siblings that I was a rebel. One sibling declared in front of my daughter and a relative that I was a rebel against a family. My siblings fell for it. I used to be anxious every time I visited them. I finally was able to understand that I had anxiety. I was disowned for speaking up about the unfairness. As an Asian woman, I was out of the norm. Asian women are taught to be subservient and obedient! I believe in unconditional love, and fairness as a child! Everyone else was afraid of speaking up even though they were all adults. I lost myself. I finally realized that I was right all along that I have a dysfunctional family and why I always feel less than. I am working on breaking free from that label. I realize now it is all societal beliefs and conditioning especially in Asian cultures. My parents were probably raised that way and didn't know any better. I felt for them. I learn to forgive and let go because keeping these negative emotions have harmed me and attracted similar circumstances. Yes, it was painful but it is now in the past! I am learning to be more compassionate! I invest a lot of money in neurofeedback to retrain my brain so I can relax. I wish peace and love to all on this journey of awakening!
💯💯💯
Yes if you stand up for yourself you are the rebel and nasty person 👍I’ve had that this year I’m 55 next week enough is enough if I say anything it’s oh your grieving now as my dad my soulmate ❤died 12 months ago even using my dads death as to why I’m speaking up for myself ! I’m going minamal contact blood toxic lot need to back off and my dad passing has made me realise lifes to short for their shit show anymore leave me out of it. I need some peace for once and to work on myself ❤
My anxiety goes through the roof if I have to see them or my phone goes off if I see there name come up or a text message! I think it’s because I know its for them not to see how I am it’s their boredom and game playing.. oh I’ll ring or text lou see if I can be listened to ! Well no you can’t I’m ignoring you all get the message you bunch of narcs
@@BrummiebytheseaDo they have to have your phone number, or can you block them ?
I mean, even if you would be a rebel, so what
For those of us recovering more and more, albeit slowly, need more of this exact kind of content. Ty!
You’re very welcome. More of this on the way
Thanks for watching
The fear of being defensive because it makes you look more guilty. Lose that! Be defensive if you want. Verbally defend yourself and your narrative. When you're really secure that your narrative is good enough, the fighting back gives you power. Just don't feel like being quiet and distancing yourself is the only way to set boundaries. For me, verbally and emotionally fighting back is what moved me forward out of the scapegoat role. Quickly. Listen, I had them almost crying because I eviscerated them emotionally. I know what hurts them because I know how they try to hurt me. Sending it back to them is GLORIOUS. 10/10 highly recommend. Do it coldly, do it truthfully. Say IT ALL.
Don't try to be above it. Be in it. Don't try to be "the good quiet one", because fighting back is good even if it's not quiet. Stop holding yourself to an impossible standard of behavior. Let. Them. Have. It.
This might not apply to everyone. But for certain people like me... hey, we are fighters. We know how to play these emotional games and win. This is why they're so afraid of us! We have the power and foresight to tear their egos limb from limb and turn them into ashes. Show them the power you have. Spiral them down into the darkest pits that are the consequences of their own actions. It's right to do it. It's the mirroring they need and we are mirrors not scapegoats. Be an angry mirror.
Wow!! This is all a long series of epiphanies about what is POSSIBLE in relation to parents!!
I thought we are just strapped in with parents until death does us part. And we have TO BE RESPECTFUL in all Circumstances. What dangerous beliefs!!!
I am JUST Barely WRAPPING MY HEAD Around
the idea that I do not have any choice but to keep them HAPPY, and shut up and confirm... Be loud!! Ok!!
thank you so much for this!
@@sunnyadams5842And you're free to go non - contact, if that's something you really want to do . Either that, or set boundaries and enforce them. Limit the contact. You control the situation, however it goes.
They gain supply though by negative reactions, they are Parasites.
I am an advocate for fighting back….. though.
My sister and I were scapegoated and my sister killed herself because of it. I miss her everyday. I have a wonderful family now my husband and my kids. They love me and they don’t think I’m bad. I got to believe them and appreciate them and spend my energy on them. They need me and want me. I don’t really care about my mom and dad anymore.
That's terrible , but I can relate I have wanted to take my life many times in my life, im also an alcoholic. I was lucky to escape my family and go into recovery, 16 years sober now and no contact with any of my family. It's a cruel family to be born into and your very lucky to have a family who love you. I married a narcissist , had 2 kids, divorced him but its still so dysfunctional. I'm just glad im sober dealing with it all. ❤
So sorry.❤
@@tinkingtinking2134That's a lot to deal with. Sending you love and congratulations on being sober, that's success right there!
@@pmc8119 thankyou 🌟🤗🌟
❤
The worst part is my family is manipulating me 🤡
I feel like the narcissism started from my grandmother...And I was raised by abusive mother and aunt....And also I came to deal with other abusive women in my life....
Had a very very traumatic childhood...
@@lilac624same
Jerry, your videos have helped me on my healing journey. I came from a really screwed up family, EVERY video you put out, that's been my life. I have 5 young children and I am breaking those dysfunctional cycles. Thank you!
I'm glad you find my videos helpful, thank you for watching! Keep up the good work
Me too….Jerry is my lifeline ✨💯⭐️
Several people will try to instigate, but I walk away and leave them confused.
They cast the 'scapegoat" into the desert, after some time, they realize it's not coming back...they will go and out find it to bring it back....
I always called it Whipping Bow Syndrome. My brother is the Golden Boy who treats my parents like garbage and I, the caregiver, cant do anything right apparently. Haven't spoken to them since June. Still dealing with the guilt from that but overall its better for my mental health.
My 2 siblings are still so programmed and in self aware. This is coming out more at the decline of my 2 parents going into assisted living. I’m the truth teller and still getting dismissed. Devalued. Disrespected. Gaslighting for sure by golden child. We are all 60. How dysfunctional. I see it all now. All my learning from you and others has been so enlightening.
Im the truth teller and truth seeker too.
I've learned to not care what ppl think about me! Ppl who don't help me pay my bills don't matter to me as much as they want to or think they do!!!
The very definition of family is.......the first in line to screw you over and I am done dealing with the toxicity. We are better off alone.
Yup
@@Joshdifferent Be encouraged Josh, God does have a people out there who will love you for you without harm, I am a living witness.
When I typed out my statement, I was in a low place experiencing betrayal after betrayal but I had to go no contact with my blood family and let go. After freeing myself from the vicious cycle, I am finally able to embrace the family that I choose and they have my best interest at heart.
The pain of this chapter of your life will not last forever and I am glad that you are still here.
In the past 6 months I’ve come to realize that my father & siblings need me to remain in that scapegoat role. Well….NO!!! I’m healing, growing, thriving. So as I become my authentic self and they recoil at that, I leave them in the dust. This caterpillar, is breaking out and becoming a butterfly 🦋. Boundaries…yep!!! Abuse, no!!! I keep it light and fluffy now. Thank you for your work…it’s helping me become and embrace me ❤️🩷🫶🏽.
YOU GO GIRL! 🦋💖
Scapegoat no more 💖
"you're just after the money" Exactly what my sister said to me when, after my mother's death, I discovered she co-erced my mother to change her will and divert all my father's estate and my mother's estate to my sister leaving me with no inheritance from either. She had her own name put on all my mother's bank accounts for the ease of 'paying her bills'. Gradually she had all assets put in her own name. When I discovered what she had done she said "You're only after the money'. This behaviour is illegal where I live and ultimately her lawyer offered me a settlement to keep it out of court. While her behaviour still upsets me, I tell people I have no surviving family left. It's easier......
OMG! Going through similar situations with older golden child sister. I worry that this as well is her ultimate goal. Other siblings kind of decided to stay away from problems but I feel that toxic sis is doing this. She has also told people that I was after the money, getting parents to pay my bills when it was I who purchased most stuff in parents home.
@@luluramos2981 Try to prevent her from ever getting power of attorney. My sister kept wanting me to sign off on it and I refused but I don't know if she managed to get it without my signing it off.
My brother has done this. I know that he will inherit " the Earth " while me and my children will be disinherited for non-compliance with their narcissistic toxicity. I had no idea this was illegal in any way.
@@johedges5946 I live in Canada and in the province I live it is illegal. It very much matters where you live. It also depends on whether there has been abuse committed by parent or the offspring or any criminal activity. But where I live, a parent cannot just decide to disinherit their child just because they want to. Especially if that child has made every attempt to maintain a relationship. And of course it is illegal for one sibling to bully or coerce a parent to changing their will in their favour.
Forget the money! It’s from a tainted family system, ergo, it’s tainted! Money will come to you from elsewhere if it’s meant to :)
You are loved ❤
I’m talking about them less, cause I’m focused on me. Practicing self care, becoming my authentic self, appreciating my super powers-HSP Empath- and living my life. No longer just existing. All their dysfunction doesn’t matter to me as much any more. I set my boundaries and stand firm to not allow them to be trampled. My interactions with them is light and fluffy…nothing too deep.
The passing of my father actually ignited the scapegoating flame like never before.
Same with me. I thought that finally, with the triangulation having stopped, we could connect at last. Nope. They have dug in their heels even stronger (ruled by Golden child sister, who grasped control over the family before the body even got cold).
@@aquateal384omg ,I’m going thru that now ,😳
Yes. I am definitely the least popular. I get talked down to and left out all the time. My parents have passed and we normally have Christmas and Thanksgiving at one of my sisters. Even though I am single I am choosing to stay home this year with my 4 legged family. They love me and I love them unconditionally. I have had enough
@@suzycatipiller821Your holidays will be much better without all that drama.
I came from a very dysfunctional family system they just abused me so much
They don’t even feel sorry for their actions. Just soulless beasts causing chaos on their own families. The Most High will make sure justice is served!
What sucks is I was a scapegoat as a child and now I am the scapegoat with my children. But, I am the only one who has sought to break the chains of dysfunction. The only one in recovery. Tragic for my grandchildren.
😢; I understand, I can't find any Podcasts that discuss a Mother as myself attempting as we speak to go No Contact with 2 of my 3 kids due to my ex (Their Narcissist Father; I left him). I woke up about 9 months ago. Now I am the truth teller and being told I have Bi-Polar and all of the typical distorting my reality accusations.
I'm going through exactly the same thing. My 4 grandchildren love me. My daughter is selfish. We have to let the child go and hope the grandchildren get in touch one day
I’m same , my family now my two eldest have learnt behaviour and treat me like I shouldn’t have a place
Im the only one in recovery too.
Yes! I AM NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE NOT GOING TO SLAUGHTERED ANYMORE BY ANYONE! I AM MAD AS HELL AND NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE!
The level of pain they push and cause is the most egregious ordeal I've ever been through.
I just don't care anymore. I finally opened my eyes, and I am tired of carrying their weight.
💯❤️💯
A narc recently told me: "Damn those therapy videos." That validated my healing.
I have found that viewing their accusations as “projection” helps tremendously.
You nailed it. I was recently accused by mother of being after her money, and me wanting her dead. Outright insane, since it’s a blatant projection.
My 85 yr old mother wants me to leave her my money in my will. By not doing this means i dont love her 🤔By not doing this im scapegoated
@@juliej1520 you don't have too leave her a single penny! You matter. It's your stuff not hers💜🦙
That's interesting one day while 'mother' was having a couple of beers, she told my SIL twice right in front of me that I would k!11 her for her money. When I would come to family gatherings, my father would say, oh, she's just sticking around for her inheritance. As if there weren't several other people there I came to see. Recently as of last week, my husband and I helped 'mother' out with yard work etc. all afternoon, then went out for a bite to eat. During dinner she made sure we knew just how much money she has and that we had better be nice. LOL
Somewhere along the line I became this greedy person that I was never aware of and 'mother' really pushes this. How people don't see through this crap I'll never know. Then again maybe they do or hopefully will.
@@freedomwarrior5087 Yeah, my mother did the same thing with my dying dad. Telling him I was trying to control her. Straight out projection. Just as my dad was dying, she was trying to convince me to give her control over my bank account. The aging narcissistic parent is delusional. Paranoid. Scary. I also didn't realize, she'd been telling lies about me for decades. It explains all the weird behavior and comments from my relatives. I never would have thought my own mother would betray me like that. We are no-contact since my dad's death in January 2024. And after six months of completely ignoring me, she calls my husband out of the blue and tells him I need to contact her to help her extract money out of a bank account in my dad's name. She's so blatant. Doesn't even bother to hide her psychopathy anymore. Creepy as heck. No contact is survival. No money is worth putting up with that kind of disrespect and disregard. My kids deserve more care than she ever will.
I'm glad I found this stuff, because I took thing out on society. I really was angry. Alone. I would just walk in to stores with a bad attitude. I rarely do that now. I realized that if I make enemies everywhere I go I'm going surrounded, like be my own worst enemy. Hitler beat himself. Shot his alies in paranoid power grabs,
My trama was effecting my ability to live.
I just started checking my mom when she is scapegoating me- it usually ends up in a 5 page letter of how negative i am .
What i hate the most is my entire family on both sides treat me as the scapegoat. And no matter what i say to any of them about how other family members hurt me , im just told " oh you know how (blank) is, you just have to ignore them" . The constant telling me to get over everyone elses hatefulness towards me. I hate them. I hate all of them. I hope ill never see them again.
Thank you for your videos! Ive been no contact for 5 years next month. And I've been sober over a year now! It was the hardest and best decision i ever made. Im just now seeing how much I've healed through your videos. Theres not a lot of people on CZcams talking about no contact so its been very confusing and lonely at times. I'm glad that you confirm that im really not crazy and me and my children deserve normal and unconditional love. I can honestly say i have ceased fighting everone and everything. People tell me how wonderful and kind I am, even strangers. Thats been the best validation for me. Thank you for creating this awareness. ❤
I can relate 💯❤️‼️
I can relate 💯❤️‼️
Well done 👍 and good for you I’m trying to stop drinking this year did 3 months and dad died my soul mate 12 months ago I’m back on the wagon and my toxic family don’t like it I’m going minimal contact but have 2 grandsons I love ❤️ so it’s hard my mom and daughter are narcissistic my mom has lots of influence on my daughter. They drain me mentally physically and emotionally I hate being in there company they trigger me and I loose it every time 🙄then they say get a grip! Love these videos and comments they are really helping! Good luck for you and your children ❤
Im 16 years sober and the Big Book saved my life. ❤
It's amazing how strangers are nicer than your own family. I drank for 20 years because of all the abuse I went through but realized drinking was more self abuse. I've been sober for 20 years. I decided I wanted to live and not die. Life is pretty good now. Congrats.
I used to feel like I needed to defend myself and argue back and forth and prove myself. Now my reaction is "what does that got to do with me?" It isn't my problem nor my responsibility.
My biological mother and foster mother use to guilt me for "not taking care of my little sister", and when I left for military they tried to guilt me saying "you left your sister". When I got to a point where I was healed, I flat out told them she isn't my responsibility, I'm not her mother, that's your responsibility. What you telling me for? Go do your job!" I never heard from them again.
U go girl!
I did the same. I told a narcissistic relative, "I am not your mother." Whoooo boy. She was LIVID. It was insane. I guess she really did think I was supposed to be her mom.... twisted thinking. I just can't understand. The projection.... it was insane. But yeah. I have three kids. I KNOW I am their mother. I am NOT any one else's mother. Knowing that truth, and saying it when I see a narc trying to guilt me into doing something I'm not responsible for is my new secret weapon. It's amazing how many people HATE when you put up that simple boundary.
I will never forget the day my mom & step dad tried to call me lazy and exploitive towards my now husband. That he was going out and working oh so hard but what was I doing??? Nothing in their eyes. I’m new to the idea that I may have been in a scapegoat role… it’s making so much make so much more sense. Especially the manipulation game my mom recently started playing.
Let me guess. Your mom was a stay at home mom but of course, she’s not lazy?
Jerry, you’re awesome! Thank you again for your very valuable contribution to healing 🙏🏻🥰
Amazing video! This is where I am in my journey, a year ago I was in shambles but I can say I have truly grown. It has thrown everyone for a loop, going low to no contact, not sharing my goals dreams, not chasing and truly seeing myself for who I am. I feel more alive than I have in years.
One thing I am learning in recent months since I began to realize the dysfunction in my family is that the dysfunction stunts the growth of everyone. No one reaches their full potential. The dysfunction is treated like it is a normal part of life that just happens to everyone, when in reality it is a choice that does not need to happen!
It took me until almost 40yrs old to see what was going on in my family of origin, and to begin truly separating myself from the nonsense as the scapegoat. I lost a lot of years. My goal is to fix this, and to make sure my son doesn't lose the years of his life that I lost to needless dysfunction. I want a good life for him that he chooses himself with critical thinking, healthy boundaries, and the freedom God intended for all of us to have. I could never imagine letting what happened to me happen to him.
I LOVE the Coca-Cola commentary. I LOVE IT and love that you referenced it again here. I have been using that every time I recognize npd showing up in my life. (That and the whole "Do you hear that strange talking animal?") Favorite ways to cope because these statements bring POSITIVE HEALING joy and comedy to what was at one time so stressful and negative.
I love how I was called the golden child yet being the scapegoat.
->Who are these people whose admiration you seek? Aren’t they the ones you are used to describing as mad? Well then, is that what you want- to be admired by lunatics?
-Epictetus.
I was raised by 5 narcists. 6 if you count the family favorite. I'm almost 2 years no contact with two people, 9 years no contact with the others. I've been working on a book about it all.
It is horrific. I understand. I can count that many in my family also. I write daily. When the ink is flowing, the healing is going.
In finally becoming the ESCAPEgoat! 😂
Love this! 😊 💕
Love it
Thank you. Getting there. It's scary, and also exciting. Taking of those glasses and seeing clearly. It's also sad.
Thank you so much, Jerry!!!😉
Great to know how being healthy looks like!!!😊
00:26 🔄 Scapegoating in families is akin to historical notions where sins were placed on a goat and sent into the wilderness. Families often project anger and dysfunction onto a member, relieving themselves of discomfort.
02:15 🧘♂ Healing from the scapegoat role involves gaining internal boundaries and distancing oneself from the family dynamics, treating accusations like calling someone a "Coca-Cola."
03:36 🔄 Recovery brings a sense of normalcy, realizing distorted perceptions, and gaining distance from gaslighting. Recognizing one's true self and rejecting false projections become crucial.
05:35 🗣 Progress is evident when criticizing the family becomes less necessary. Reducing the need to blameor obsessively talk about mistreatment signifies healing from the scapegoat role.
08:19 🔄 Viewing the family as caught in a systemic scapegoating dynamic, rather than individually malicious, helps in understanding and calming down. Systems thinking aids in recovering from the role.
09:15 💔 Changing the emotional process within the family is essential for overcoming scapegoating. The narrative and projection won't shift until there's a significant emotional transformation or hitting "bottom."
12:39 🛡 Responding calmly and non-defensively to others' perceptions of the scapegoat role maintains personal strength. Avoiding defensiveness prevents reinforcing negative portrayals.
13:59 🎭 Recognizing the scapegoat role as just that-a role-helps detach from personal identity. Understanding it as a role assigned by the family, not a true reflection of oneself, signifies progress in healing.
It’s so liberating to not have other people blame you for the entire family history. No contact for almost 3 years.
Thank you for confirming what I know...I am well on my way to being a recovered scapegoat.
Thanks so much for this video and all the comments from viewers. I am in the middle of 5 siblings and a high achiever. But torchered for it. In reality it was my response to being gaslighted. I am so happy being alone on a big property. I am not shy. I seek out smart and aware people. Thanks again to all.
We should never be friends with someone who is friends with someone who scapegoats us. They always turn against us.
The scapegoaters are all in denial
Jerry, thank you. This video answered some of my questions. I really really have had a hard time with what others think of me including the toxic family. I have learned that you cannot change them but the lies they have spread has caused so much pain and hurt because other extended family has pulled away without hearing my side. It is a very helpless feeling. Now mind you, I have come a long way from there as I moved away and have my own life. But the pain and hurt is always below the surface. I read something yesterday that said "Sometimes you have to let steel fill your veins". ❤❤
Is there any way you could contact your extended family incognito, and let them know via a letter, or phone call just how things actually are ? In my case, there's no extended family left alive to tell things to, or ask questions of. My friends are my family, at least in the U.S.
That felt fulfilling to hear. The confidence and strength your words lend feels nice in the heart center.
agreed- it felt like a healthy warm campfire in my heart
God Bless you, Dr Jerry Wise!-!
I am loving the fact that I found you. I was going through this n started working this out a couple of months ago. You my friend have just cemented what I worked out after 49yrs! You are an amazing man & your post made me feel like I’m doing ok in freeing myself from the family narcissistic/ emotional abuse. 🤗 🙏 ☺️
I have started speaking out my truth in not angry but assertive manner and i decide from thier reaction if they are worth keeping in my life (perm or temp) .. they choose thier position in my life if they cant take my truth !!!
Powerful! This is the way to go.
This is what i did some days ago to some 'family'
Its taken me a long time to understand this, but I have no doubts now. Narcissists will make you doubt of yourself if you let them...I did for 10 horrible years of tremendous suffering but TODAY I couldnt stop. I cannot take one more day living in fear. I confess Im worried for my wellbeing, that is why, among other things, I am speaking today.
Thank you Jerry. I am used to being a scapegoat in my family . All except my younger siblings . Something curious started happening between me and my youngest sibling, who also has been scapegoated a lot. we used to get along extra well.... thanks to your video I realized I think honestly we unconsciously scapegoated eachother . It appears contact may have been permanently cut... talk about hard lessons... Jerry Wise your education on YT is helping HUGE in a way I can't get in person 🙏 🙏.
Yes, thank u for shedding light on this subject. The scapegoaters really "are" so blind to their own destuctive behaviors, as is the narcissist in general, &/but my obsessing-w or gossiping concerning, in my case was keeping "me" sick & toxic, as well ! Thank u for good, vital reminders.
That's funny because I'm a truth teller and an occasional scapegoat and sometimes the forgotten child and I become the scapegoat whenever I try to protect the actual scapegoat. I'm almost 60 years and I still watch and look at my family and sadly wonder why they never question what they're doing, they're just operating on emotions. Big issue is a lot of times everyone in that family end up being narcissistic and jealous and vastly insecure all at the same time. They Tell their selves they are some Grand wonderful person orthe perfect parent and then they don't understand when their children are very upset with them when they grow up. Why am I still here? Because I'm taking care of my parents who started the whole thing and they're still oblivious but raised us to believe in Jesus. I love Jesus and I promised him that I would not give up on my family. I'm taking my care of my elderly parents although sometimes distance is required but i monitor by phone their needs. The Lord God can give you a love out of nowhere that surpasses all understanding.
Before I went NC last March, I was tòld I need counselling (yup, been doing that for 7 years and the onky one in the family to do so) That I had childish grievances, that I caused my Father's death and that I was a narcissist- I was even sent links on narcissim by one sibling. So glad I left
I cut off my covert narc Mother almost 2.5 yrs ago. She is horrible, period. My sister is the golden child. I gave her a kidney in '14, asked her not to get vaccinated. This pissed her off so she blocked me on fb along with the evil mother. This was two yrs ago now since we last communicated. Ya, crazy. But, ya know, the Lord has spared me allll kinds of drama while I get the blessing of focusing on Him. ♡ He can be the one to deal with them.😊
And then I walked away, and it felt so good! Like I always knew it would 🎶
This video is filled with some major gems👑💎 Taking notes was a must. ✍️📝👩🏻💻🍿 Being wise indeed! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
1) 1.44 - I THINK ABOUT IT LESS
“Its not important as it use to be. This is how I start to gain boundaries & some distance, from this family or this role"
2) 3.06 - YOU FEEL MORE NORMAL & SEE MORE OF THE FAMILY’S DISTORTION & GASLIGHTING
"In narcisstic families, when someone accuses you of something distorted, they probably are revealing something about themselves"
3) 5.13 - YOU MAY BE CRITICIZING YOUR FAMILY LESS
"I want to grow beyond that, I don’t want to critcize them. If they want to hold on to THEIR scapegoating of me that is their right, everybody has a right to be WRONG but there are consequences…”
4) 7.06 - YOU BEGIN TO SEE MORE HOW YOUR FAMILY IS CAUGHT IN THEIR OWN DISTORTIONS
“My family is caught in this MESS as much as I am. They’re caught in their own distortions. It is a system failure…Scapegoating is a systems problem" 😮💨🤯
5) 9.07 - ADJUST YOUR EMOTIONAL PROCESS FIRST, & THEN THE SCAPEGOATING NARRATIVE WILL CHANGE
"Oh I am glad you told me that, I am not going to scapegoat Mary anymore. Why don’t they have an immediate experience of that? Because they have been trying & connecting and someone has been trying to convince them and give them evidence of this dysfunction & toxicity mentally but the problem is emotionally processing. Its the emotion process & do you know what that requires? A conversion!"
10:13 💥Changing the emotional process requires a conversion😳😮💨🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🙌
12:21 🗣️"I hope you have all the facts, hope you have a great day. See ya"😂
6) 13:15 WE SEE SCAPEGOATING AS A ROLE & NOT WHO WE TRULY ARE
Thank you for taking the time to summarize the video!
"I'm going to be bad at playing this role" 😂 love it!!
Jerry., the quality of your videos has improved so much. They were always good, but you just keep getting better. I just want to give you a big bear hug. Love you, Jerry.❤
What i did is....
I literally told my family
"Yes im crazy!!!! I was never normal. Im not gonna trry to be normal no more. Everyone in my town should know how crazy i am. The cops should know that i am insane. Stop calling me crazy and realize that i have a mental illness. Im insane and i love it. I will never be normal. Lol" that was soo fun!!! Its like i jist accepted it and whats the point . I know im crazy. Everytime they bully me. I will say "yes im crazyyy!!" Lol i will tell them how im never gonna be normal
I have just started watching your videos and I have to day that you have a really great way of conveying practical means of coping, with much needed simplicity. Thank you so much!
It’s disturbing watching ppl b fake nice to outsiders while behind closed doors their destroying lives
Yes, after healing your life will be completely changed. You feel better, beautiful,more courageous, strong, healthy and happy. But, the best thing is that your abusers are still suffering. So, enjoy your life. Make the rest of your life the best of your life.
After reading comments, i feel so better that i am not the only one whose going through all these things. There are many who suffers the same. And, whatever i think about abusers is true not my imagination. It's good to feel that we have community where we can share our thoughts. Because no one was their in our life who believes us.
Could you do a video on healthy adult friendships? What they are supposed to feel like and what purpose they are meant to serve?
I have multiple videos on this topic, you can watch them here: 'Fundamentals of Building Healthy Relationships'
czcams.com/play/PLoYQTW09i3W0kcwaYtO3Fk9Hr46LJLsR7.html&si=34fAnmvTEd_h4FCj
I also go deeper in my self-differentiation recovery program- program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thanks for watching!
I walked away. Recently heard that they still call me names and blame me. It never ends, I don't care at all now.
This is hard to do unless you are far away from these people or you are heavily involved with other people who aren't part of this clan of antagonists.
Oh....they know what they are doing.
I haven't seen you in so long. I was doing a lot of work with you while in withdrawl from psychiatric drugs. I can't believe I actually comprehended what you were saying be so sick. Thank you for what you do.
Upvoted. For years I was prescribed a popular anxiolytic, & only recently has awareness spread about very serious difficulties associated with stepping down & stopping that sort of medication. This is tethered to living with a family member who has NPD: this person was sneakily stealing medications from me. This person would gaslight me about it. It was effective gaslighting. Ok, I started with the intention of saying: “I understand you regarding cessation of some medications,” & within two sentences that changed to: “perhaps this person will believe me.”
Lies that they are telling have to produce some peril! Great line.
I think that your surname is perfect for you Sir! :) ;) thanks for such insightful videos! And I love the pace of the video, not too quick like everything nowadays and it allows us to integrate more the information as you speak and analyse.
I've listened to several people like you on CZcams. You lay it out more clearly than anyone.
I realize that, no matter how often I try to assert my reality with them, the more they assert they're right.
Wow Jerry. That helped a great deal. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Cheers from DownUnder.
Wow thank you!! This is probably the most important video I've ever seen .... now I better understand that I was the family scapegoat with my in-laws (not my family of origin). So much of what you stated really resonated with me, especially the part about the things my in-laws say about me and how untrue they are. That I'm untrustworthy, that I'm a liar, that I'm a bunch of things I'm not. And now that I've been stepping away from my husband's family I think they know, that I know. I think they know I'm onto them and now they're scared of me. My husband and I went no contact with them back in June, and a lot of interesting things have happened since then. The two sisters-in-law that have been the real trouble-makers for me, well, both of their husbands had health issues occur days apart. One husband had a heart attach (he's ok now), and the other husband fell and broke his leg. I'm seeing some 'shaking' going on, now that I'm stepping away from my scapegoat role. Yes, a role I never asked for lol. The person they've been trying to turn me into doesn't exist, it just isn't me, not even close! Anyway, this video is so spot on. Again, thank you, Jerry!!
Always great stuff and it does seam like I am healing from my Scapegoat role
I no longer sit at tables where I might be the topic when I get up.”
Thankyou Mr Wise
Still soooo angry!
I am healing ❤️🩹 Praise God!
Accept things for what they are
Thank you Jerry
You're very welcome! Thanks for watching
The nodal events have made it worse every time. Pulling the plug on dad without me kinda made it clear there’s no future with those that remain.
Without truth one will never find self love or any love, just using one another.
In my family i am the scapegoat. My father wants toe to have all the responsibility of building family wealth for the family. I have told him repeatedly that it's also the responsibility of each everyone in the family. I cannot allow them back in my life because they dont respect my boundaries. I cannot allow them back in my life anymore. They need another scapegoat.