4 MAJOR symptoms of narcissistic relationships
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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I had adrenal fatigue all through high school because I was being bullied at home and in school. I dealt with it by going to sleep when I got home in the afternoon. I was obviously depressed from all of the abuse and stress. But thank God I didnât turn to drugs and alcohol - I just slept to escape the horrors. Iâve been no-contact with my narcissistic family for 10 years now. Despite the HELL Iâve gone through for being their scapegoat - Iâm living a pretty good life now. đ
Exactly what I went through đąBullied at school and home. No peace anywhere.
Yes, i was bullied at home for being gay, so when the kids on the playground started, it seemed normal for me.
@@Mister_Listener I'm so sorry. Has it gotten any better for you?
@@denisethompson1257 well hard to say. I am happiest now than i have ever been and i feel joy more easily, but i am best when i stay home alone as i always worry if i come across like all those awful names Mom and Dad called me when i was bullied, if that makes sense? Life was difficult for me until i cut off all of my relatives, because nobody took my side after a large confrontation at a funeral. That was the final straw and it has been about 6 years but my career has definitely faltered and failed out and stalled. Wish i could afford therapy. What about you? It is impossible to heal when it is coming from home base, i am just hopeful i can keep finding happiness.
Elizabeth--glad to hear you are good 10 years away from them. I am about 6 years free from them, and things are starting to look better for me. It was a rebuilding process for me once i told them to eff off, so i look forward to a really great life someday.
"It's fatiguing to constantly be future faking yourself." It's soul-sucking. 100%
To catch your cheating spouse
or the beatings, them stealing, lying, and threatening to steal my kid too! it's been a long road out of hell!
We speak about the narc future faking us .. I think I future faked myself into a 35 yr narc thinking itâll change ..
I have never been so tired or slept so little. I cannot sleep over 4 hours at a time most days.
@@CobCeo I have resorted to Ativan, CBD/THC, Advil PM, and Benedryl. I alternate days so I don't develop a habit, but without them I wake up at 2:30-3:00 AM every night and can't go back to sleep. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out if something happened at this time that I'm trying to remember.
A husband did a weekly airing of the grievances at marriage counseling, the wife couldnât do or say the right thing and was unable to âmeet his needsâ (which was the most common complaint. After listening week after week to the endless complaints the marriage counselor finally asked him
âDo you think youâre meeting her needs?â
No response for several minutes. It hadnât occurred to him because the wife had long ago stopped asking for anything.
Then he said
âShe keeps throw pillows on the sofa and wants me to put them back when I take them off. Theyâre just in the way and shouldnât be thereâ. Thatâs it. Throw pillows. And he couldnât even accommodate that.
When the couple got home the wife removed the throw pillows and put them in a closet for storage. The husband came into the living room and was furious that the throw pillows were gone and called the wife âpassive aggressiveâ.
Tip: These people refuse to be pleased. Ever. Stop trying and get away from them.
You just described my "marriage" to a T. I put the throw pillows away a long time ago and don't ask for ANYTHING anymore. And he wonders why he doesn't " get any sex". Well.... " Because that's the ONLY thing you want to do together so, no thanks"
@@onmywayto8083 An observation: "Why am I not getting any sex?" is it's own answer. If sex is something you "get", you should just go pay for it. In a healthy relationship, you *have* sex, together. You know, because both of you want to.
Sex is not a dogtreat to reward good behavior, or to be withheld for punishment. I'm in the situation where my partner both punishes me by not having sex AND complains about the lack of it. It's baffling.
Disclaimer: if you don't want to, you don't. No reason needed. There are almost no rules in sex, besides it always being optional for all parties.
@@TheXtrafresh an observation: you seem to be sexually frustrated! Why don't you focus on YOU, and not come at me with your unwanted and unneeded comment. If you notice, my comment was about my life and my relationship. Your comment seems to be based around someone else's life. You don't know me or my situation, so I would say you are making serious ASSumptions. Also, I see some reading comprehension issues on your end đ€Ș
There is a saying.... If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.
Maybe the reason one doesn't want to be intimate is bc they're being manipulated by their narc. For many years I didn't understand why I had no desire for intimatcy and was told and thought I had the problem UNTIL I realized my spouse was a manipulative narc! I even felt guilty and started being intimate anyway, but he'd argue that it was less frequent than it really was! I would've made out a receipt and had him Sign off on it but knew he'd never do that as they deny things even if you show proof...
My wife and I tried marriage counseling and the counselor and it was on video chat said okay. I'm going to give each y'all 5 to 10 minutes to talk about what happened this past week. Please do not interrupt each other who would like to go first and I let my wife go first. I sat there and patiently listened to her. Totally tear me up and down a lot with lies but just basically bitching about me constantly. When the time was up it was my turn. I could not get through the first sentence without her already jumping and talking over me. I reminded her I was quiet during her talk. It was her turn to be quiet. So I continue to talk and then she got mad and started yelling at me and left and went outside. Then I decided okay. Why don't we do it separately? I do 30 minutes and you do 30 minutes because I'm trying to make a solution here. Well it took about two sessions and she charmed the pants off of this therapist and he revealed some stuff that I told him about feelings I had and she used them right against me. I was specific with him about telling him her stuff because she uses my vulnerabilities as weapons against me. I was very upset at this therapist and we never used him since
Please know that each of your videos help others. Personally, I really wonder where the hell I would be at this point if I hadn't found you online. Please know that you have profoundly helped me understand that narcissism really is a thing, how it impacts us, and how we can heal. I thank God I found you. Seriously.â€
Absolutely right!! Same goes for me!đ
And me as wellâŠI feel so empowered now that I know what I was dealing with all these years thx to Dr Ramaniâ€
I so agree!!! I'm stuck still married (but seperated for 6 years) due to my health and financial reasons.... and... I have nowhere to go, and if I did, noone who could help me leave. I've learned so much from Dr. Ramani. She's opened my eyes to sooo much. Up to and including the toxic traits in myself, that have come from childhood trauma/abuse, and childhood and adult sexual abuse.
Exactly what I am feeling now knowing more about narcissism. A true life saver. Thank you Doc!
Me too â€
For me, the âdepressionâ Iâve felt after severe stress and narcissistic abuse, is exhaustion, hurt, pain, disappointment, despair, discouragement, hopelessness and helplessness etcâŠfrom it all after trying so hard only to be so mistreated traumatized and wounded. What I now know is that these are perfectly normal feelings for being so wounded traumatized and stressed in that way. Grateful for the self care tools Iâve learnt and the support I have with therapy and these programs to help me heal and manage it all. Thank you Dr Ramani. â€
@costelloandlizzievolk2233 This looks like the scammer. Dr. Ramani did a video on it about a year ago. Itâs called beware of the scammer on my CZcams channel. I could be wrong and Iâm not telling you what to do but this is just a heads up. Be careful out there. All the best.
You certainly described my world. I wish all the skills I've learned helped more.
Yes it's true we all go through this & the self care tools & self care period, must be our new & everpresent focus moving forward , now that we know what we know! It is so very helpful to have Dr. Ramani & all the support on here of those who truly understand & are willing to share their insights & experiences . Thank you đđđŒ đđđ¶đïžđ«
I'm dealing with the fallout of my deadly relationship.
That relationship completely broke me. I was a very active person who socialized and could keep up a conversation before I met him.
It broke me to the point where I lost hair from stress and became bedridden.
I never once drank or used substances until I couldn't deal with the extreme stress he put me through.
I find it difficult to talk to people, even about normal subjects.
The shame I felt every time I took him back got to the point where I wouldn't tell people, and I would hide it because I knew he would leave me again eventually, and I didn't want the embarrassment.
I am forcing myself to go to the gym everyday, even if I go for a small amount of time. I used to go 2-3 hours a day, now I can't even handle a few minutes without feeling drained.
The fatigue and lack of interest in life are the worst symptoms in my opinion.
Emotional and psychological pain are processed in the same part of the brain as bodily pain. Pain be pain.
Motivation relies on your ability to prioritise, which relies on emotions.
If you're in so much pain that your brain defends itself by going numb, you no longer have emotion, leading to no ability to prioritise, so no motivation, and everything is then a struggle which is exhausting.
Does this help you understand what's happening with the body part known as your brain?
I've heard - yet to try - that massage therapy can help release the emotion so it is properly processed. Only if that's something you are okay with. Might not work for everyone
@@TheKrispyfort Thank you for your explanation, it does make sense. I will explore massage therapy because nothing else has worked.
@@rachmcd160 Walking helps once in a while for me, but I find it difficult to even leave the house. Luckily I have a dog who pushes me out of the house, so I have no choice unless someone else is around.
I will explore the more alternative therapies, even though I don't exactly believe in most of them. Acupuncture/acupressure/massage therapy is probably what I will try.
I am just discovering I have attracted narcissists also and have one I am married to rn, the trickiest one yet. What you said above rings so true for me. You are not alone. This also changed me. I haven't had a friend or spoken to over 10 people outside my immediate family in the last 5 years. have never been a person to bite my lip, and that started the day the denigration phase began, 6 years ago. I have always been able to sleep, and now I cannot stay asleep for over 4 hours, even though I made my own room years ago. I am glad I found this doctor and I am starting to formulate exit plans. But I am paralyzed with indecision and lack of options. He controls everything and is the only one that works outside the home.
@@CobCeo I was in the same situation until 2 weeks ago... I knew he wouldn't let me go if I decided to, also not working because he was always exploding around the subject, no friends whatsoever, horrible... I was NOTHING like that... moved countries ALONE 3 times, and in the beginning of the year I couldn't even manage to go to the supermarket, panic attacks... I bought some plastic boxes for moving after a fight he told me to leave the house, one month after I delivered my apartment to the landlord... but I was living there basically since July when I stopped working, there was always a tantrum for me to go to my freaking house.... Then I put an expiration date of a year, well that was March, now August... I started to talk back, very behaved but talking back and not agreeing with the stuff, then he broke up with me and I said yes... it's messy....
If I can offer a tip, get the boxes (excuse for storage and organisation), start making a list of what you need, and check if there's any crisis centre for women in your city... it's hard to get to their door, but it helps loads... they know exactly how stuff goes in these relationships and have all the steps to help you, it's very comforting really... Totally recommend!
Marriage shouldn't be a prison
Narcissistics should be in jail
Dateline teaches us MARRIAGE leads to murderđđđđđâ€
People today simply donât take marriage seriously. Nor do they think it takes any âworkâ to maintain their marriage. Very few people experience âactualâ narcissistic relationships. Chances are it is the persons own baggage that is making them feel this way.
Donât listen to some of the folks in the comments. That one comment was absolutely spoken like a narcissist
Sigh.....17+ years of it. And still scared to leave now as I was then. The domineering and controlling and bossy and manipulative and hateful responses when they don't get their way. "IT IS WHAT IT IS" "YOU'LL GET OVER IT" I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING SMART WITH MEEEEEE" "I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO"
I've lost myself years ago. And yes "more than enough" is exhausting. I am just existing in the matrix. Their system and demands and never being good enough puts me in a constant fight or flight mode
âThe grief and disappointment to learn things at 40 that have probably should have easily shown to you when you were 5ââŠ.. thank you for expressing my tortured soul đ„ș 7:15
Try 63 years old.
1. Fatigue
2. Self doubt
3. Shame
4. Depression
Experienced all of the above
I'm starting to wonder how often substance use disorders become a way to cope with narcissistic abuse.
I would say absolutely substances are OFTEN used to help partners of narcissists survive the hell they must endure. Itâs very damaging in my opinion to focus more heavily on substance abuse than it is to inquire and be interested in the reasons why a person feels the need to reach for such substances.
@Seeker0fTruth For me, it's been binge eating more than substances, but I feel as if there's so little understanding when it comes to how people dealing with narcissistic abuse are perceived. It's all about how they're the problem, not the abuser.
It's not a way to cope with in particular narcissistic abuse. Substance use is a coping mechanism for ALL kinds of abuse and trauma, there's plenty of scientific material on this. Also, substance use is not a disorder.
@medusaslair I know that substance dependency is always a coping mechanism. Substance use is always a symptom of something else. By substance use disorder, I mean someone who's depending on substances to cope to the point where it's doing damage to their health/personal life.
Absolutely! I myself started drinking a glass of wine while making dinner as a way of preparing for my now-ex husband to get home. My boys even noted how calm the house was when he would go away for the weekend. *Shocker* 2/3 of my kids struggle with anxiety as well.
This reminds me of leaving a job I was at for 1.5 years. It seemed more like 10 years. I was working for a bunch of narcissists. I remember my first days on my new job and I was experiencing brain fog and I couldn't understand why my memory was not good because my memory was always great. I was also really tense because I worried about making mistakes. I was so nervous around my new supervisor but she was so understanding. She never gave me a hard time about any of it. She was very patient, which then helped me to relax, and then my memory returned to normal after a bit of time and the tension released. This is such an affirming video. Thank you for your self-disclosure, Dr. Ramani. It's great to have both professional and personal experience. We know you truly get it.
Job situations can be so toxic and wear us down without realising. I told a family member to not stay in a job she was being bullied in. She thought she could handle it, but eventually finally left. It wasn't until she felt teary when her next boss was kind & positive, she realised how bad it was and how it had eaten away at her and warped what was "normal ".
Oh yes, people will be so worried they can't think straight.
This explains why I did so poorly in school and left school. I returned as an adult to get a 4.0 GPA
Sad to say however your story makes me feel better.. Iâm not the only one who has experienced these reactions. Iâve never been so full of âself doubtâ when around all that toxic energy!
You describe me perfectly. Spent 30 yrs fixing me finally 3 yrs ago no contact.
Iâm not even joking when I say this. Almost an hour of Dr Ramaniâs wisdom is the best birthday gift Iâve had today.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us all, and for free, at that! đ
Happy Birthdayđđđ! I agree ! Her videos have literally saved my life â€
Happy Birthday from Charleston,SC
đ„łđ„łâ€đ°đ
Happy Birthday! I hope her knowledge is helping you heal. I left my Narc 10mos ago and her videos keep me from going back.
happy birthday :)
You can't explain " the theory of relativity" " or "narcissist abuse" in five minutes. Good stuff â€ïž
So true about societal judgment. No one supports people going through narcissistic abuse in marriage. Itâs makes it even harder to get away.
The abuse that is more prevalently recognized seems to me to be the physical abuse rather than the non physical abuse.
My narc wife repeatedly told me that I was an unwelcome guest in my own home. You talked about many aspects of my life with her. I am free now (she stormed out and left) and healing. Thank you for this video. Scott
Lucky you she left! Usually the male narcs use violence to keep women trapped in home.
Every man I married moved in to my home, 'cause of course, they had none and I was a rescuer, way to empathetic certainly for my own good, however those guys found ways to make me unwelcome in my own home! and then gaslight me for having a home!!!! for them to live in!!! I hope you joy and some peace from this time forward, learn from these videos so at the very least we can see whats comingđ
Sheâll be back.
â@@SlicedInPostshe should change the locks and go grey rock method on her. His mental and physical health is more important
â@@vickieevans9323my sister in law did this. She was a nightmare for us all to live with. It was like we were treading on egg shells constantly cos she was so mean. It's amazing how she has no self awareness of it all.. It also amazing that she's a psychologist.
I got out and I feel great. No more headache and fatigue. No more self denial and self neglect. I have more friends, love, and joy than ever. There is hope for something better.
And tulips from Amsterdam , dear Nicoleđ·đ·đ·đ·đ·đ· feel so happy for you. Wish you the best life there isđâđđŒđđ Karin
Dr Ramini you have been my educator in the past 3 months & I than God for your channel!!!
I am a therapist but had narcissistic parents & ex husband.
U validate me every time I listen to what you share.
Many thanks for your amazing work!â€
My personal experience with depression has been a life long struggle. I remember not wanting to be alive when I was 4 years old. Of course, I had also been told my whole life that I was irritable and depressed. My dad calls me a PITA. When I was married to my second husband, my psychiatrist prescribed Deplin for an MTHFR mutation which causes low serotonin levels. Once I divorced my husband in 2018, and went no contact with my family at the same time, I realized that I am not a depressed person. I still take the Deplin, but I am not sad and angry anymore. It took getting rid of all the toxic and abusive people in my family for me to stop being depressed. I highly recommend kicking all the toxic people in your life to the curb. The sooner the better.
I just broke out crying as you say it exactly like it is and has been for many years.
It's a learned characteristic. My father would kill himself trying to please my step mom.
Oddly enough my birth mom tried to keep my dad happy. She turned to alcoholism and it ended her life at 36 years old. I swore I'd never go that route.
Unfortunately, I had repeated the cycle. I am finally learning. I still have to co-parent with a narcissist. I appreciate all of your help on this situation.
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I went through the Fog for years. Short term memory was almost nonexistence. I spent all my energy trying to keep the train on the tracks. I am working hard, but little by little I am getting better. There is hope after getting away from the abuse. Dr. Ramani, I can't thank you enough. God bless your beautiful soul.
I'm that lady in the story who packed her treasures away. It's as is you were speaking directly to me about my life! I can't thank you enough for all of your wisdom and advice, truly đđŻâ€ïž
Once you made a comment about not getting it until you are 70, well thatâs me. At first I felt same that I had such a wasted life, thatâs really helpful, right! I am the scapegoat, empathetic daughter of a narcissist, heroin addict/speed freak mother. The fact that I am present wanting knowledge and healing is a miracle.
Iâm tired of feeling shame . We get our lessons when weâre ready. Happy healing.
Happy healing đ
Dr. Ramani you have made such a difference in so many lives with these videos. Iâm hoping you could maybe start a series to explain to friends and families of victims why their formerly outgoing full of life daughter canât even call them once a week. My parents are 88 and I know how important it is I keep in touch but I find I just donât seem to have the energy ever to pick up the phone I know it hurts my mom terribly because we suddenly lost my sister two years ago - something my mom still struggles with. I am 56 and 21 years married to what I think is a malignant narcissist. No hope for getting out and heâs pretty much taken over my life snd keeps his secret. Textbook mental, emotional and financial abuse. I have 1,000âs of hours of conversations recorded with his knowledge on advice of my GP should you need research material lol. Thank you again for all your hard work getting information on narcissism and narcissistic abuse out there for all to access free of charge. You saved my life literally. Big hugs đ€
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Has anyone developed panic attacks and agoraphobia after narcissistic abuse?
Yes! there are some days I can't leave the house, despite crushing loneliness I feel like I literally cannot go outside or deal at all with the world.
I think I've gotten panic attacks, wheezing, hard time to breathe
Yes
I developed auto immune disease (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and chronic pain
Yes, I experienced panic attacks regularly when I was around my narcissistic Mom and Sister, now I live 2 states away from them and no more panic attacks!!!
The depression has been soul crushing. Escaped my narcissistic husband only to fall back at home with narcissistic parents because of financial stress. It took a miracle to pull out of that, in the form of an informed therapist who helped me recognize the narcissism in my parents. Slowly building life back better than I never had it, but process is, like I said, slow.
Well done, you will make it. We are survivors and we are strong. â€
Going through exactly the same thing
Glad you got help. Iâve been there too.
It's heartbreaking and frustrating that this is my life. Thank you so much for being the voice and beacon of hope and for helping many navigate through the dark đ
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I say, "not making a decision, IS making a decision".
I've noticed in these relationships it must always be their Ideas. Even if whatever it is it's yours. It may be a day or a week later then all of a sudden they came up with the idea.
I'm so grateful for my husband. We both have one narcissistic parent and brought narc behavior patterns into our marriage. But he was willing to change and we both spent time in therapy learning better communication patterns and better emotional maturity. I still see some of these grief patterns in us but it's because of our ongoing relationship with our narc parents but we no longer experience any of this between each other.
Reading this gives me so much hope! Thanks for sharing
The good news is that we can recover completely from this - once we know. Thank you Dr. Ramani !
Dr Ramini
Just wanted to say self doubt is my biggest hurdle as well, so wanted to make sure you knew that you should never doubt your advice through these videos. They, as well as you, are what keeps me going. The world needs more Dr Ramani's.â€
I discovered today, that self doubt was also my stumbling block. I had no idea what was going on with me.
Narcs always diminish your Potential.
Youâre a wonderful mental health support team . Thank you .
Youâre the best resource for healing from narcissistic abuse patterns. Why? Because you care more about being of service than you care about your egoâŠ.in contrast to some other âauthoritiesâ on N.A. In your videos and in your online group you always get right to the point. Your personal shares always feel humble and generous. Thank you!!!! Thank you!!!!!
I think I I compromised quite a bit in my marriage . After chasing the OW out of our bedroom and the house, my soon to be divorced spouse told me I was uncompromising .
In retrospect, I compromised so much that I had compromised my own sense of self . Talk about loosening oneâs identity !!! Loosing my identity was the one major thing I had prided myself on retaining from my single life .
This lecture is tremendously eye-opening .
It takes one to know one. Iâm really grateful to have you.
Spelling it all out for us and on behalf of us.
I really adore and honore you for being someone who turns your own negative experience into a good strong force outward to make the world a better place.
Thank goodness for Dr. Ramani
My narc abusers gave me PTSD, which gave me physical illnesses, like hypothyroidism. Talk about the fatigue, right!
I went through 2 years of fatigue, high blood pressure, acid reflux, extreme back pain until I decided to leave because I saw that I was slowly loosing my life. My job was suffering, I could not take care of my children. I finally left and filed for divorce. The narc keeps changing terms and conditions and does not want to sign. I have also cut him off, he calls to talk to the children. I let him talk to his children but instead of talking to then he wants to abuse m through my childâs phone. I ignore him and donât take the bait. I m less fatigued, brain fog is clearing, extreme back pain stopped, acid reflux under control and I hv recovered at work and at home. I sleep more and waiting patiently for d-day. I pray when I feel overwhelmed and it helps to keep me grounded. Counseling also helped and listening to dr Ramani.
This about depression is so enlightning. When I look back I see how I went in and out of depression being around my narc mom, my narc abusive ex-husband, and some other short relationships and my last relationship with a narcissist. I am slowly starting to do things I enjoy again đđłđđ©”đŠ It took me 53 years to understand. Turning 54 in March. I have been so exhausted. But it all makes sense. Thankfully my couple therapist knew alot about narsissists. Thank you Dr. Ramani your videos are so enlightning and I discover new aha moments everytime â€â€đ
I truly appreciate your authenticity and transparency in this video. As a professional with lived experience myself, itâs really empowering and inspiring to me and Iâm sure many others! â€
I understand the constant doubting. But Dr. Ramani, you have been a major help to me going through my divorce and my healing. I have started writing a book too. Thank you so much for being one of the most positive influences in my life.
I love your videos. I left my narcissist while 7 months pregnant with my now 18 year old. My son is struggling mightily with making decisions and breaking free from the narcissistic abuse and buys into his fatherâs projections that my behavior is narcissistic because I have opinions because my son is an empathic creature and has no memory of the abuse. My elder child has blocked out all memories before the divorce, altogether. You are enough, more than enough and in fact a jewel. Thank you.
Same here. You are not alone. Your kids will be fine if you continue to love them unconditionally. They will see the contrast with their father's conditional acceptance of them. Don't be afraid of lasting negative impacts on them. They will be all right. God bless you.â€
You are amazing at delivering your messages. You have impacted my life so much! I can not thank you enough! â€
Her delivery is everything. I've listened to others, but she just feels like you're sitting down on a couch with a good friend who REALLY wants you to be heard and seen. She's a godsend!
My life in a nutshell. Constantly walking on eggshells. Canât be around this woman but I wonât leave for the sake of my children. It really sucks living like this.
me too
Not only does the narc either reject your suggestions or blame you for years if they don't work, they take credit when they do
Yes. Itâs tiring enough to keep up the appearance that you are enoughâŠthe waiting is the forever that never comes. Yes- soul tired.
Thank you for the clear description of gaslighting-the deliberate denial of your reality that is DESIGNED to foster self doubt. THANK YOU!! I was even beginning to mistrust people and family members who I have loved and trusted for years because of a very toxic relationship. Thank God for deliverance and insight and FREEDOM! You are just the best Dr. Ramani!â„ïž
I had fatigue so extreme I got a sleep study. I would literally sleep 8 hours a night, wake up and get my kids to school and go back to sleep for hours. It was a soul crushing relationship. I told one person, one, before I left him because I knew that person wouldnât take his side. Iâve said all along to everyone that the hardest moment of my life was deciding to leave him, because I knew the ways I was blowing up my life, and I was terrified everyone would be upset with me. When I finally told everyone, they were so relieved at my decision. But I was and still am so ashamed I brought this person into their lives in the first place, because heâs not only disrupted mine but also a close family member and one of my best friends. I should have done more and listened to my inner gut a long time ago to avoid the abuse they also suffered.
I have been there, am there, slowly healing!
The guilt is real. You didnât know. Thatâs what makes narcissists so dangerous; they wear a mask until youâre on the hook
Learning in my 40s that my childhood was soaked with narcissistic abuse from all angles which overflowed into adulthood. Never trusted my choices and judgement became exhausting. Learning to relax, stretch, breathe, and look inward for lifeâs answers In my forties and fifties. Thankful for helpful Therapists, like Dr Ramani. The health issues associated with Narcissistic abuse may have ended me.
Sometimes I genuinely lament the time, youth, and spirit I lost to my narcissistic partner- 12+ years, covert. Itâs really sad, bordering on regret. I yearn for an apology and closure I know will never come and still yearning for those things is where I feel the most vulnerable and unhealed. I just wish so much that things were different. I wish I had the tools to leave sooner, I wish I had been raised to recognize my own needs, I wish I could provide myself with the closure and healing I need.. itâs been 5 years post divorce and I still struggle. I have more good days than bad now and things are improving, but I wonder when the damage will cease to disrupt my inner peace. Thanks for your work Dr Ramani â€ïž
We have very similar stories. Once I realized he was a narcissist, learned about narcissist, I accepted the fact that there would never be an apology because it is a mental illness that he can't control.
You helped me realize my mother was a narcissist. I just thought she was mean. Good thing is I started meditating young, left home young & did very well for myself. Bad news, I'm such a happy giver I have only ever been with takers đ I've been doing my deep dive introspection ongoing for a long time is why I never stay in these relationships though I work at it way too hard for way too long. I'm getting close to indifference as this last one took me for alot & will take at least 30 months to dig my way out financially (I left my previous career related to narcissism affecting client care adversely)!
One thing I know is I love me for who I am & am definitely worthy of abundance . I have always focused on efficacy but this is never ever noticed by any narc. I'm determined not to do this ever again !!! I am learning to enjoy my efficacy for myself in ways that I enjoy ! Thank you Dr.Ramani . Much Love & Light to you all đđđŒđđđïž
THANK YOU!! I keep telling my therapist how exhausted I am. Plus she says Iâm too distracted. My thoughts do not flow as ordered as in the past.
But no matter what I have tried it wasnât working.
Now I know (THANKS TO YOU!âŠ)that Iâm not âloosing itâ and my memory issues are not unusual nor MY FAULT!
Iâm going to follow your suggestions.
It is very frustrating to be exhausted all the time. And adds more SHAME to the recovery process.
Beautiful work again.
Iâm grateful for the education you have provided. Keep up the enthusiasm and know you are valued!
Sounds like dissonances from worrying
@@KoolT - Iâll have to do more research on dissidence and talk to my therapist too.
Wow Dr. R your self doubt segment shook me to my core. You are wonderful at what you do.
Many Christian church leaders teach against divorce say it jeopardizes your immortal SOUL. that's why a lot of people stay
Many christian church leaders are narcissists, too.
So IT is!
The last part of this video made me realize there was virtually no significant period in my life in which I wasn't trying to accomodate a narcissistic man's moods. No wonder I've been depressed and suicidal since childhood...
I am now living on my own for the first time at 25 and it's simultaneously strange and refreshing to look out for myself only.
Today Iâm beginning to realize a dream Iâve had since I was 10 years old. Iâm 75. Iâve always wanted to play the piano. Iâm finally going to realize that dream. My keyboard will be delivered by FedEx today. I donât know yet how Iâll take lessons, but I know Iâll figure it out. Thank you Dr. Ramani, watching your videos for almost a year has brought me to this place. Thank you.â€
I hope your piano lessons are going well, and that you're loving the learning process.
@@shsummers thank you for the support. I appreciate it so much.â€
@@beverlyadams7205 I'm 61, and I started guitar two years ago, and began watercolor painting last year. Creativity washes away the dirt and grime from the soul. God bless.
Oh my word I am 70 and itâs been a road of narcissism all enfolding me where I have ended up saving, overly responsible, drowning in empathy, standing like a pillar of assistance ready to uplift in so many ways. Even financially. Guess what when I pulled back and put up boundaries everyone turned on me to attack and blame me.
My mom is 93 and I hide away - my children demand and attack. From them I want a total divorce. But I sit here feeling guilty and ashamed that I will be named as failing them.
Oh my goodness I am fighting. I have decided I am going on holidays and camping trips and keeping far out of their space.
The guilt of wanting to divorce my children is serious because I feel society will judge me and say thatâs so wrong.
My adult children are 53 - 50 and 38 and they gang up on me when I ask for my large sums of money back or I am not pleased at their drug usage - itâs a mess.
I am running far away.
I don't think that is wrong. If anyone judges you for that,, they are the problem. Certainly not you. Your kids are grown. Shame on them! Go live your life . And do it with glee.
I have a narcissistic son in his 30âs. I get you.
I am hoping my youngest isnât narcissistic.
Be kind to yourself, you are not responsible for toxic adult behaviour. â€
You hit the nail on the head TOTALLY. Again. Thank you.
Tired mentally physically and emotionally
Thank you SO much for validating my experience with chronic tiredness/rumination!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUU!!
OMG!! I am just recently learning about living with a narcissist!! This is SPOT on!! Thank you!
Thank you so much for your help. Please don't self doubt yourself. You are wonderful.
This is so true-self doubt, self sabotage, rumination, crippling anxietyâŠit takes a somatic toll in many ways-especially the chronic fatigue doesnât help!
I have seen someone stay in a one-sided relationship for over 30 years. Most of my life, by the time I could understand. I would not want that for anybody.
At the same time, I have seen mutual relationships that have lasted 30 years or more. And both parties were very loving to each other and empathetic.
Itâs finding that balance. Finding that mutual-ness, that respect. Finding a relationship that is for both people.
Marriage shouldnât be about trapping someone. It should be mutual. And that should be you coming back to them because they are healthy for you, and treat you well.
Finding long-term mutuality, consistency, And empathy
Yes exactly
That sounds awful đą
Hoping you have the resources and supports for recovery
@@TheKrispyfort Iâve never been married. Iâve seen it around me
Leaving is not always an option.
This is sooo amazingly spot on! I've called it 'losing myself' to the narcissist. For more than 30 years I tried to be everything my person commanded, because every disagreement (become argument) ended with the "D" word (divorce.) "I'll leave you if..." was a daily refrain to control me, until a kindly therapist told me, "he'll NEVER" leave you!" That gave me the courage to begin standing up for myself. To this day that was a game-changer!
This video... hit home on every level. Thank you, God Bless you, for this.
I am tempted to try and write you a letter (email) to tell you about my experiences. I come from an insanely abusive narcissistic family, mother, father, sister, are all HORRID Narcs, and they all picked me as their target to abuse. I am still stuck, at 35 years old, in torment and destroyed by all the abuse, and now it's burned inside myself.
Thank you for your work, it is really helping people like me.
Dr. Ramani: In one of your recent podcasts you mentioned that one of the things that is so hard for children of narcissistic parents (and maybe narcissistic abuse survivors in general) to accept is that there were good times. So many good times. You referred to this only briefly, but your vocal tone made it sound like a big, important issue. Have you ever done a video on this? If so, I can't find it.
The existence of the good times in my memories does HUGE work in reinforcing the lifetime of gaslighting. This may be the hardest thing to shake free of, for me.
I feel your experiences mirror my own!
The fact that you can identify that your positive memories tends to reinforce the gaslighting demonstrates a great deal of clarity and self-awareness IMO.
For me this clarity doesnât necessarily make the path of healing easier but having that clarity allows me to be more objective about my past experiences and how this reflects in my life today.
Wishing you health, happiness and HEALING!!đđ
I wasnt honest in taking the depression tests at the doctor after having my kids. I didnt check off how bad it was but enough where I did see a therapist so I could explain our family dynamics but didnt get to the marriage part. I was afraid they would take my kids away from me as I knew I was a good mom, just soul crushed. I wish I would have been more honest but at the time couldnt see the forest through the trees and articulate what was really happening. I like to describe it as 1000 piece puzzle you put together, you link different parts and keep adding which has taken me years.
CPTSD and borderline personality disorder can take 20 years off your life. Treatment and a plan is necessary!
Just to think of how much I've learned through Ramani, prompts me to imagine just how many other people she's helped, the hundreds of thousands of people she's saved from toxic romantic, workplace and family relationships, maybe even millions! There's no doubt in my mind that she's the primary reason for helping those in need, and that the difference she's made is likely uncomprehendable. What a saint, she needs a a statue erected somewhere... or everywhere!
Iâve been away from my partnered narcissist for over 5 years, but I feel the affects of him everyday. I just want this imprisonment to end. I have been around narcissists my entire life and these experiences just keep me from having meaningful relationships. I just donât want to get it wrong-again.
I feel afraid too. I guess we gi slow and careful, paying attention and keep our own power. It feels like a maze. đą
Dr. Ramani, i can assure you that you're extremely to the point about ... everything when it comes to narcissism, basically because you're a survivor and you have the talent to educate. Thank you, greets from Greece. đâ
So true. I'm exhausted all the time and I get plenty of sleep.
This video, in all its aspects, so clearly describes me, my illness, my struggles. Thank you.
I hope that one day I will be able to regain my energy and be able to function better. Not there yet, but still fighting every day.
â€
No contact with family and toxic friends gave me my energy back.
I always knew evil was the root of my issues. I was living in evil
Thank you for sharing how hard it is to get over the self doubt. I struggle with this also. It leads me to misinterpret things as criticism sometimes, because I was so used to being treated as less than and thinking that I had to "earn" things that should just be part of a healthy relationship. I would get very stressed when my husband would suggest I cook and bake less for the holidays, because in my mind, that was the only reason I was worth having at a celebration, for the food I made. It was so bad that if he said, "Why don't you take a break from cooking this week and we'll order Thai.", I heard "You can be replaced by a restaurant." and I would cook more food than usual to show that I had value. It seems ridiculous, but I didn't even realize what I was doing until last year.
Sounds like your hubby is a good guy.
I thought something major was wrong with me!! I am tired mentally, physically and spiritually. If I get it right maybe I won't be punished or I will earn a nice day.
First off, a big hug to you†I could literally feel your words of self-doubting yourself years to follow after you leave the relationship.
You just described thirty years of my life. Thankfully, I have been free for twenty years. Today my brother and I were discussing a niece who had also been in a narcissistic marriage. My brother said that she must have been weak minded to have put up with that. Not necessarily, I thought. There are other reasons that women stick it out. Religious reasons: your church tells you that adultery is the only excuse for divorce. Be submissive. You exhaust yourself trying to do what you are convicted is right. You spend decades trying to preserve your family. Hoping that someday, somehow, youâd find the key to your spouseâs heart and you would finally be friends. Living in the belief that you are saving your family, no matter what it takes and that someday youâd be rewarded with an intact, happy, close family. If you can just keep trying and finding ways to be better. If only you can completely forget yourself, set aside your dreams and absorb into the expectations off someone you can never please, no matter what you do. There is a happily ever after out there somewhere and you keep imagining it in the distance if only you endure.
women also stay for financial reasons. poverty is also violent and dangerous, sometimes it is safer to stay.
You literally wrote my life...married just about 33 years (Aug. 31st as a matter of fact)...
Dr. Ramani, please know I've been watching your videos for a couple of years and have learned something from EVERY video i watch! Im sorry you struggle with self-doubt too. You did make me laugh telling us to start out small, paper or plastic, chocolate or vanilla đ! Again, this is a very informative video that clears up alot! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO!
Dr. Ramani
Your knowledge, communication skills and way of explaining narcissism is unmatched! You have helped so many people and continue to reinforce a healthy mindset. Please never doubt yourself..... You really are that good and we all love you and appreciate you! đ
You described me Dr. Ramani, I couldn't even have photos of my own family up!
So true. Societal judgement hurts. Even when you theoretically, that you donât care what people think, đ
You're alive but not living is the way I describe it sometimes. The soul tired, yep. That sucks!
Your videos saved my life and sanity ( I would love to interview you ) thank you my sister for your heart and work
Bless you for all this content took me 2 years since i saw things clearly and its my first week out. Couldnât have done this without you đđŒ thank you
I was raised by a single-parent covert narcissist mother and suffered extreme abuse as a child. I have only experienced depression once. It started when I was about 5 to 6 years old. I'm 52 now, and I still have it. It's never gone away. I don't think I've had a single solitary day without it being present. I think it's a permanent part of me. At least I'm on meds for it, and seeing therapy. It would be much much worse without that.
Hoping you have the supports and resources to recover
Dr. RâŠâ€â€â€ most outstanding video to date!!! At 75 am well aware of the ball and chain of self doubt, being born into and then marrying another narcissist⊠this has been the best hour yet spent with youâŠ.tied up all in a bundle with a bow and so many lightbulbs going off inside my brain âŠ.I cannot tell you how the plague of doubt and shame has just dropped off me in a God ordained suddenly âŠ!!!! Thank you for taking the pain of your past to be a pool of healing for multitudes of others!!!yours will always be a life well lived in this world and a journey to know love and live it well!!! â€â€
This was me. Thank you so much for your validating videos. He had me convinced I was the problem. Now I can better see that he controlled almost everything in my life (what I ate, what I wore, where we went on vacation, what we bought). He also corrected me constantly bc I couldnât do anything right. Youâre correct. It was easier to go along than to get into a rageful argument with him.
Shame isolates and thrives in secrecy.
Was feeling shame about a tendency the other day, but acknowledged and discussed it with the friend it cropped up with. They shared how they related with me and were very understanding about the parts that were different from their experience. And then they reminded me that they arenât my friend because of what I can do for them.
It was really helpful and healing for me. I have a really hard time admitting an insecurity, etc. to anyone because historically, itâs usually used against me. PLUS, I think âitâs my issue and by sharing it with that person, Iâm implying itâs their issue, so I just need to keep it all inside.â Which just waters the shame monster đș
Iâm glad youâre explained what this disorder is. It helps so much to understand what it is and coping tools. 16 years i didnât know why. Now I know why.
I would love for you to talk about the narc pretending to sick as a manipulation.
Dr. Ramani does have videos on that further back in the archives - do a search on "Ramani + sickness" or "Ramani + illness" -- and also know (from personal experience) that if YOU get sick, the narcissist will not help you, they will treat your illness as a personal inconvenience of THEIRS, and if you tell them any details about your illness and ask them to keep it confidential, they are quite likely to share those very details you requested they keep private in a bid to get "sympathy" from their enablers ... who may then try to reach you and tell you how your illness is "stressing out" the narcissist đźđą
I love the point in you intro about years married being viewed as a major achievement. I struggled with the idea of my divorce as a failure as a result but came to understand that failure is staying in a relationship that was miserable and was going to run into bankruptcy and foreclosure because my ex was that hellbent on getting her was (financial abuse; she was demanding I get a second job in addition to my full-time one because a promotion had been an effective reduction of gross income as the raise was less than the pay for voluntary on-call that i previously did every week.)
The chronic tension was present in my youth when a physically and mentally abusive father who daily demanded "WTF reason do you have to be stressed and tired" while I was made responsible for not just getting As in school but doing more than half of the work on his dairy farm and all I ever heard about was the
Iâm sorry you went through that. She should do a video about narcissistic dairy farmers. Itâs a real thing.
This might be your BEST video ever. It perfectly explains my life from birth to age 51.
Your content is priceless and has helped me immeasurably in recovering from narcissistic abuse. Thank you, Dr. Ramini, for all that you do.â€
Yes, this is me, I come from a narcissistic family, thank you.
Dr. Ramani your videos have helped me so much!! I first watched your video about Narcissistic personalities when I left my home and stayed at a hotel for eight to nine days. You have helped me so much!! I didn't know what I was dealing with, but I knew I wasn't in a healthy relationship!! I have shared your videos with alot of people in hopes they can see that they too aren't alone. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us in a way that is understanding and easy to follow.
I agree nobody should stay in a relationship thatâs abusive or a one way street.
At the same time, there is different levels of love. Most people stay in puppy love, and think thatâs the end all, be all.
The reality is that real relationships are mutual, take time, and they go through ups and downs and evolve.
However that is assuming itâs healthy for both people.
There is no medal for a long-term relationship, or some kind of endurance test.
All long-term relationships are Supposed to show is that you could be consistent, Healthy, and care about the otherâs needs, while being Emotionall healthy and empathetic. While not taking advantage.
I have helped both my sisters in their divorces, and I have seen multiple friends go through divorces. And they were very much warranted.
And I think people confuse wanting to have a long-term relationship with believing that marriage is an endurance test.
Itâs not.
All it is is finding someone that is healthy for you, and is healthy for the both of you. And you show that overtime.
Itâs all About Consistency and Emotional Empathy
This session was loaded with good validating and vindicating information. A regular dose of Dr. R is mental armour that I can wear to protect myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you.â€
Dr. Ramani everything you are saying is true Iâve been there and Iâm going to set my self free thank you for all of these videos. I definitely didnât fight when I was going through.đą
I was on automatic pilot for many many years. Following you on your channel is really helping me understand what was going on in my life with my ex husband and my daughter. I remarried 5 years ago and moved from Ireland to America. Now my daughter hates my husband and tells me if she sees me she will kill me. We are very much estranged as a result. But in saying this l now have the time to heal and with the help of my patient loving husband and listening to your help l understand thing much better. Thank you. WD
I struggle with anxiety, some body focused repetitive behaviors and also OCD. I realised I do really fine during work days. Unfortunately, I have to deal with my narcisistic family members on the weekends. Those days, starting on Fridays, are extremely tiring and I can feel my anxiety raising, which triggers my urges to engage on my BFRB's and OCD's. It's really tough
Same girl! Do your Erps, and donât let them drag you down if possible. One day, youâll create space, I believe in u â€