I found the solution to my rage but it’s only caused more problems
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- čas přidán 6. 08. 2023
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Still watching the video, but I just wanted to jump in and say that you are not a bad mom for wanting to do something for yourself, and you should not feel guilty for enjoying things that benefit you and make you happy! As a mom of a 2 year old myself, I realized after a while that I needed to take care of myself and my mental health in order to be fully present for my husband and toddler. Going to a 45 minute boot camp workout 3-4x/week has really helped me physically and mentally. You cannot pour from an empty cup! You're not abandoning your kids or your husband if you want to do an activity outside of the house for a few hours a couple nights. I fully believe that a fulfilled mom is a better mom! Anyway just felt compelled to share and leave some encouragement :)
What would you recommend to a mom with health issues ?(fms,mcs,cfs,ddd,oa,scoliosis) Sadly my cup gets drained easily😢 have you heard of spoon theory? Taking a shower takes a few spoons...some days I can't even do it. My kids come first but I admit, I haven't had much time for myself and I realize this is important..but its hard to manage. My husband too deals with his own health issues and could use some time to himself more. We have 2 under 3, love them so much and am thankful the Lord blessed us but want to keep working on myself (improving health anyway I can.)
I so appreciate how real/vulnerable you are in videos. NO ONE else talks about mom rage and managing over-stimulation. It's great to know that other people deal with this too. Love your content
You are so vulnerable. LOVE IT.
I’ve found that time away from kids is a lot like missing sleep. If you are super sleep deprived you will need tonssss of sleep to catch up, but if you get sleep regularly and miss a night here and there, it’s easier to adjust.
I say all of that to suggest that an evening once a week off from being “mommy” or “wife” might be a great solution. I have every Thursday night off. Sometimes it is with friends, sometimes it’s sleep, and sometimes it’s a run.
Thanks for another great video.
Thank you, that’s such a great comparison! Yes, I’m going to start taking Thursday evenings off too ☺️
I think schedule in your time for "only-me-hobbies", without your husband ir your kids is verry important. We both have days in the week when we are away, doing things to fill our cups and the other one is at home taking care of the baby. And we're planning to add one evening a month for going-away-dates to feel connected as husband and wife and not only as parents. Because life is busy and if we don't schedule it, it probably won't happen ^^
@@hannaniklaus576 So much yes! My husband and I carve out Saturday nights to be either a date night out (babysitter) or date night in. That means no movie or screens. We go old school and break out the board games and cards. We aren't always up for it and sometimes want to put it off, but we never regret it afterwards. Kinda like a workout. I'm still working on that one though lol
I appreciate you posting this video on this topic. It brought me to tears because I am going through it too. I’m struggling to articulate how I feel and how to remedy it.
I sometimes feel like my husband and I are business partners running a bed and breakfast for a two year old.
I do want to say that you are not lacking in the mom, wife or house maker roles. You’re refilling your cup so that you can continue to give to those close to you.
I’m glad that you found the thing that makes you feel like you, softball. I hope you can find something else between softball seasons.
Your not JUST a mother. You still need to treat yourself like your an individual. Your ALSO a mother. And your doing incredible.
Thank you for sharing! As a SAHM I also had a bad case of mom rage. It took me 6 months to realize I needed some care-free time (no responsibilities as a mom). Then another year to actually put a plan to action. Here's what worked for me, hopefully it can help someone else too:
- Both my husband and I schedule the same amount of time to be kid and spouse free (usually 2 or 3 hours per week). Then decide individually how to spend it (hobbies, work outs, seeing friends, etc.) Having an equal amount of time as my husband was key for me because I quickly got over the mom guilt. I thought "My husband is doing a great job as a dad and I don't see any issues with him being away from our child for 2 hours a week. Therefore I can be a good mom and do the same."
- If I know when I'll have a break, I'm calmer with my kid because I know I'll recharge soon.
- Doing activities as a couple from time to time (dates, hiking, going to museums, etc.) - without the kids helps us to stay connected and enjoy each others company.
Hi Ashley! I’m a FTM to a 7mo old and currently struggling to find my new identity. You’re honesty and vulnerability in this video made me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing. ❤
Your honesty in your videos is amazing, it makes me feel so seen!
Thank you thank you for your honesty. I find it so aggravating when people only discuss the joys of motherhood and not the myriad of ways it can impact your life and mental health.
I was having sooooo much mom rage too. I love my family and life but was just feeling angry ALL THE TIME. I’ve started training for a triathlon and I can say I also honestly feel like a different person 💜 Thanks for the video
Also your kitchen looks so amazing you guys are doing much a good job 👏🏻
I love your kitchen cabinets!
It's ok to take breaks from kids and hubby, everyone benefits. Our partners are there to support us as we are there to support them, which means taking on extra tasks for each other at times. Not only that, but full time managing a household and parenting issssss, dare I say, harder than a 9- 5 job.
THANK you for this❤❤❤❤❤
‘Gotta keep things clean every second of every day’ that’s exactly how I feel 😭😂 like that’s how someone would judge if I’m a good mum and have it together or not
Ashley…. Thank you for the Once Upon A Child haul. I’ve actually never seen anyone do that so far on MomTube, it’s an awesome place to get clothes
Hi I don't usually comment on CZcams videos but felt compelled to do so. I'm a psychologist and a mom to two. I was also surprised by mom rage when it hit me as I'm normally a calm and laid back person. It led to me writing an article on Mom rage as I was desperate to understand more.
But I just want to say you are not a bad mom or wife for taking some time to focus on you. In fact you have noticed the positive impact it has had. You are recharging your batteries which is healthy! Both you and your husband would benefit from solo time to do just that. You are a better parent and wife when you put on your own oxygen mask first.
I used to feel similarly, but then I heard someone say that the best gift you can give your kids is a happy, healthy mom. For some reason, hearing it phrased that way and realizing that doing things for me actually was also doing things for them made it click and helped me let go of the guilt. No one is the best version of themselves if they’ve had little sleep and then spent their waking hours doing chores to serve other people for months on end without taking time to care for themselves. My husband books me a hotel room for a weekend once or twice a year so that I can just rest and read and relax. Yes, it is more work for him for that weekend, but he says it’s more than worth it because I come back having found my joy, and I’m a better wife and mom when I feel like I’m being taken care of with the same level of care I give to other people
I have a 2and a half year old, and I am still figuring it out, it's really difficult on your own, having any other activity just for me..but will get there. I am glad you got to do something that relaxes you,and you have your husband support
I feel you so much...I identify with all these feelings and thoughts I can understand you completely
❤ I'm the same with the straightening hair situation, aha. You look much better with your natural curls!
Loved seeing some of Fynns (spelling?) first steps. So precious.
You are probably the most honest and real "YT mommy" out there and I so appreciate you for that. Also you're doing great!! All the love xx
Thank you ☺️
I took acting classes last year and I loved it! I used to do that years before kids and it was so much fun to be acting weird and creatively with other weird creatives instead of always being the responsible adult. It was a very much needed and well-loved weekly evening just for me. Now over summer I just go for véry regular playdates with friends and their kids, taking them to a playground where they can play semi-indipendently so we adults can get some adult convo's in.
I agree with most of the comments. We shouldn't feel guilty to do something for ourselves. We also have to be a person who has hobbies and enjoys our own things. However, I also feel guilty at times being away from home, even though I know it's good for me and my mental health.
Also loved this video! ❤
Also just wanted to say I love how open and honest you have been about everything motherhood/ wife related.
Oh the mom guilt.
So my daughter is 2.5. She just started a toddler Montessori program so it’s a big step above daycare but not quite preschool. She loves it. Did I have guilt dropping her off to go back to work? Yes. Did she cry? Yes.
Am I a better mom because I feel more fulfilled than I do when I’m staying at home all day? Definitely. Plus she gets all her needs met (aside from me and I still nurse her) and comes home super happy to tell us about it. And I’m ready to receive it.
Just sharing. I know it’s harder with 2. I tell myself if I have another it’s just a season and I will have to bare through it.
Thanks for talking about this openly. Fellow rager here.
Hi loving all your videos! Mind sharing where the rug from your living room is from please?
I am literally exactly like you! It’s definitely tough.
It’s so hard. I don’t have it figured out at all but do have some things that help. Once a week I go for a walk with a friend in the evening and on those nights we usually have leftovers for dinner so that’s simplified. Play dates with other Moms. Once or twice a month I get away for a few hours to do a group yoga, dance class or sound bath...really anything that involves spirituality, moving my body, music and community works miracles for me. I get a massage monthly. Twice a year (I wish it was four!) my husband takes our son to my in-laws so I can have a whole weekend to myself. It’s huge. This past summer I’ve started going to bed much earlier and getting up with the sunrise so I have time alone outside to pray, read, journal, move my body before everyone else’s needs swallow me up. It’s a game changer.
The gym is game changing for me. Most gyms will have a kid care so I drop my kids off for an hour. I’m always motivated to go because I enjoy it and also because it is my break for the day, even if I just walk on the track.
Could it be related to your cycle? I find that a week and a half before my period, I am just so unsatisfied but then the weeks after my cycle I am like you when you said "why would I be mad about that?!". IDK, maybe look at that? It has really helped me to know that my hormones are causing the frustration and not my husband. I can then dismiss the irritation easily and do something to correct it or compensate for it. For me, I go outside more during those weeks to try to compensate. I also give myself more grace. I hope this helps but also SO VERY NORMAL and thank you so much for showing REALITY instead of filtering life through a camera.
I think what you are going through is something every mom, or at least every mom I know, goes through. It’s all about balance. And your balance is going to look different from someone else’s balance. I think you are feeling conflict because you went from not enough “you” time to possibly too much. You felt better but then had to deal with trying to play catch up, which I think is one of the most awful feelings. I’ll still trying to figure all this out a a mom of a 25 and 9 month olds, but, I can say that finding things that fill your cup and your kids cups at the same time has been really helpful. For me, that looks like having a coffee morning with my mom friends or SILs and all our kids. We rotate houses or meet at the park. Us moms are able to socialize and give/get advice and our kids get to play and get their energy out. Or going out in nature is always soothing for me and helps with overstimulation and the kids love it too. Again, I feel balance is key here. I started being out too much and the house and routine suffered, then I stayed in too much and my sanity suffered😂. It’s surprisingly hard to find that balance. Best wishes mama, we have a hard but rewarding life and you are doing the best for you and your family that you know in the moment 🤍.
It's not selfish to take care & prioritising yourself
I have that mom rage. Partly because I don’t take care of myself. My husband is beyond willing to do whatever I need him to do so I can take care of myself, I just don’t do it. The other part though comes from the stress of being a homemaker/ SAHM. I’m just not good at it. I’m not organized and can’t stick to routines. I’m also low energy. I nap almost everyday . How do you keep up with your house and your kids? Do you take rest or naps ? I can barely keep the house clean let alone get side projects done . Help!
I took 8 days on my own to go on a vacation and get away for my mental health which left my husband with two toddlers alone that whole time. It was very needed and while there was some guilt, we both know it was better for me to go than to stay at home miserable in poor mental health.
On the flip side, my husband has game night every other week for his social and mental health needs.
Taking a break is ok. Doing something just for you that you love is just fine. It won’t always be mutually beneficial, but I do think each partner needs time to themselves away from the home to fulfill their own personal, emotional, and social needs.
I agree!
We are social creatures… in the past most mother socialized with their family and community around, but I find that almost doesn’t exist anymore.
It’s important to find a group of people we can wind out at least once a week ~
I hope you can find an activity like that
Thanks for sharing all this! I think I would totally feel the same if I would be a full time stay at home mom. Going to work is a great combination with motherhood for me, because I get time to focus on something else than the kids, make my own schedule, socialize with colleagues + my kids really enjoy going yo daycare. Perhaps a parttime job would work for you too?
Unfortunately (unless self employed), part-time work isn't prevalent in all parts of the world. I found Canada to be limited in opportunities for part-time work. The suggestion to have the kids in care or a playgroup whilst you get alone time or quality time with husband, is a great idea. We are often made to feel guilty for dropping the kids off somewhere, but we shouldn't. A break from the kids is good for you and for them, and there should be no guilt about it.
That's said, working 32 hours myself and being a single mom by choice, I do feel the mom rage too, despite having the breaks on working days. The over stimulation is what gets to me. I need the quiet time during commute home to prepare for the madness once I get home. I take the train to work so I can read or listen to music to lower my sensory overload momentarily. This works most days. But when things get busy at work and I spend time finishing up tasks on my way home, I'm more tense at home. My daughters love language is time so she'll cling to me once we get home. It will be a matter of always juggling things and continuing to find balance. What works well now, may not work in future. It's fluid.
GIIIRRLLLL SAME!! this whole video, SAME.
A couple of thoughts, as I have 3 kids 5 and under and I am finding myself again now that my youngest is almost 2.
Microdosing honey and magnesium glycinate for the rage, overstimulation, etc.
Also, get the bb on a one nap schedule so naps sync up perfectly and earlier- giving you 2-3 hours of alone/quiet time.
Thirdly, look for things to do outside in nature in the morning hours before lunch and nap. Free Forest School in your area, playgroups with other moms and kids, parks or splash pads, local river spot, stroller walks, etc. Morning sunshine is sooo important for mental health and so is community with other parents living the same reality as you. The microd0se will help with your rage, anger, boredom, loss of identity, etc. It really takes away that fog of sadness and loneliness. ❤
What’s the honey you mentioned for the rage ?
@@banakm25 microdosing mushroom honey
I think it’s the internal patriarchy that lives within all of us that teaches us that we should be SOLELY fulfilled by being a parent and wife. We can find fulfillment within many aspects of our lives and we are not failing in one aspect by investing in another.
Love to see you put words to the internal feelings so many of us grapple with day to day.
Where are your pants from in this vid?? :)
Baby girl sometimes something’s gotta give. You prioritize you. Your happiness matters.
Also You are self regulating like a boss and that is what being a great wife and mother is, don’t second guess yourself.
❤
It’s all a balancing act 🙈 since you’re craving being active as well as social, I thought I’d just suggest even taking your kids for a walk more often for the (somewhat) active part.., you could even get together with other moms to do this a few times a week to get the social part in. I find that if my two kiddos are strapped in the stroller I can easily focus on conversation and walking while they are also entertained by snacks or something of the sort. I also enjoy going for coffee with a friend while my husband has the kids, maybe once a week. Then I feel like it’s not too big of a burden for him, but I also get my break. And I know not everyone has the help available but we have my parents take the kids one evening a week and that gives us the opportunity for a date night ☺️
In her most recent newsletter, couples' therapist Esther Perel, writes: "When crisis is all around us, rest and play can feel self-indulgent, but both are essential ingredients of our life force, what I call “Eroticism.” It may sound trivial or even offensive in this context, but please bear with me as I work through this thought: I believe that staying connected to that life force prepares us to handle the very things we need a break from-whether it’s the crises of home or work or our planet-so we can come back to these fights replenished and a little stronger. I stayed on that beach for as long as I could before heading back to the boat."
You need your space to play, and it's not selfish, it's actually essential - for you to live as the full, wholesome human being that you are, and for your family to treat you as such and not learn that serving others is burdening nor unpleasant.
Ash, HAVE YOU READ Hunt Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD? The historical context and global parenthood perspective (especially because it delves into the effects of colonialism on parenthood) changed everything for me. It’s such a nerdy amazing read I didn’t know I needed, and it’s on audiobook so I could pop in an earphone and listen while I played with my little. I hope you listen to it because I gotta know your thoughts on it
Have you considered medication? The best thing that I did for my relationship with my kids and husband was to start Prozac.
It's not selfish to want some time for yourself. You don't cease to be a normal human being just because you're a mom. Have fun playing softball ! :)
I feel you. I've been the same lately. I'm still looking for the solution.
Group fitness classes, trust meeee
That’s definitely one of the options I’ve been looking at