I really hate passive aggressiveness because it is a subtle way of manipulation and abuse. Outwardly it looks like anything else but abuse and it is literally impossible to "prove" to the uninvolved that one is being abused. Nightmare, really.
I find it's just a learning experience in life. I just confront it and then set a boundary or move on. It's only hurting them at this point in my life.
@@joec1212 That makes is sound so easy. I have so many boundaries with my husband, because of the way he acts, that we are barely speaking now. Everything he does and says is based on PA. I am 64 and disabled, and I don't know if I can leave. Confronting it does no good, counseling does no good. He just sits there and denies everything. It did not happen, I am making it up, he doesn't remember, etc. Or he simply does not answer me, or says, "I don't know." Round and round in circles we go. I am at my wit's end.
Same!! Dealing with this and I am so done. And now that I'm finally taking a stand for myself it's hurting the both of us but I just cannot take it anymore. Unfortunately I am still living with her but hopefully not for long.
I have a passive aggressive mother. She has a lot of sweet sides, but the comments, the backhanded compliments, they never end. I personally find it extremely difficult to see through, and very confusing, and never once in thirty years has she ever admitted it when called out. Not once. As this video so helpfully points out, this is gaslighting behaviour.
I’ve found ,to my cost, that psychologists that aren’t familiar or trained in narcissistic abuse actually do more harm than good. Traditional psychology does not begin to comprehend the damage these relationships cause to the person on the end of the narcissistic abuse. It’s almost counterproductive and can be downright dangerous.
People say “just talk to them.” No! Someone who is controlling and abusing you doesn’t care what you think and is not going to suddenly provide an equal relationship because you “talked to them.” It will make things worse.
I agree- my husband is PA big time and when we were with our therapist the therapist made things way worse. I mentioned my husband doesn't ever say anything ( PA and avoidant) and the therapist literally said " maybe he just doesn't have much to say" I didn't go back.
you prolly dont care but does someone know a method to get back into an Instagram account..? I was stupid lost the password. I would love any tricks you can offer me.
@Colin Bruce i really appreciate your reply. I found the site through google and I'm in the hacking process atm. Seems to take quite some time so I will reply here later with my results.
I am guilty of using sarcasm. It takes a lot of work to catch myself, but I’m working on it! I don’t want to keep this unhealthy cycle going after growing up with a passive aggressive mother who loved martyrdom. I always swore I’d never behave like her & I’ve caught myself so many times behaving like that, but I’m getting better at catching and correcting it. Went from that childhood into a 14 year marriage with a very passive aggressive man with abusive & narcissistic behaviours which I didn’t even realise was abusive until I got into therapy. Reactive abuse to your abuser is still abuse and that’s not who I want to be, nor a victim! It’s never too late to grow & change.
Best way to deal with this is to cut contact with them as much as possible. Also, don't get into a passive aggressive back and forth with them either, you'll just make them want to keep retaliating. Deal with them as little as possible, and don't get dragged into a passive aggressive back and forth war that will never stop. You just have to walk away and shut down communication.
I find myself being passive agresive, jealous and kinda bully when I get lost and completely unaware of my mental state. i lash out at anyone familiar who happens to be around me at that moment, when I realized I am being bitchy and difficult making people uncomfortable, i automatically remove myself from the situation and try to put my (angry)behavior into perspective. still working on apologies cause I don't know how to explain what happens to me without sounding like I'm excusing my toxicity. really don't want this to keep happening, the last thing I want to bring to this world is the continuation of the circle of abuse I experienced from narcissistic parent. ps I'm so sorry anyone had to go through something like this
He escuchado muchos audios para superar el abuso y TU eres la mejor!!! Explicas todo tan preciso. Otras explicaciones médicas o clínicas no llegan a uno a ver todo con claridad. Bravo!!!
As a survivor of the conditions that allowed me to be abused as a child, I have developed several passive aggressive tactics. Over the past years, Facebook, actually, was one if my greatest tools. I am still hurting over the realization that I had two years ago of that fact. Your videos help me to be a better person, to feel better about myself, my family, and to feel more at peace. Thank you for sharing your insight. I am grateful that we can become aware, we can change, and we can bring new peace into our families.
I used to feel self-conscious that I was being punishing by removing myself from abuse because the person will not stop their behavior! How unfortunate!
psychology and psychiatry are two different things, current psychiatry with emphasis on medication serve interests of big pharma but talk therapy and creative therapy can help people.
I'm currently working hard to overcome my passive aggressive behavior during Covid 19 epidemic, being and thinking passive makes the world seem a lot worse than it is. Keeping a cool head and slowing your mind down when doing tasks as helped me focus more. Creative writing chess, woodwork, yoga and being a business owner has giving me stimuli when faced with challenges. My family are all very passive aggressive when we are a unit, including me. I'm now seeing this and recognize their behaviors as negatives, which don't serve me well. I now realize that life is to short to engage in behavior like this. As I'm overcoming, I have more days when I'm feeling positive. But when I do have these moments, they really hit me hard and are almost impossible to shake off.
I am very grateful for this post. It feels like you are saying my story. My adult son is very passive aggressive. Got it like a contagion from my Ex, his father. I suffered under my Ex who is diagnosed Bi Polar, is a covert Narcissist, and very passive aggresive. After 25 yrs I divorced him which was a nightmare situation. Imagine divorcing a Narc + Bi Polar + PA guy! Fortunately, I am immensely strong and self reliant, having come from a difficult childhood. My daughter turned out to be a Grandiose Narcissist. Very successful in her field, but died recently from cancer. I am still grieving despite her abuse of me and everyone else in the family. She got that from her dad. Now my son is becoming passive aggressive and abusive every time I visit him. Yesterday, on my birthday, he managed to ruin the visit with his attitude, till finally I left in tears. It was a big day for me, a marker year. I spent it alone crying all the way home, so devastated that my only surviving child is now this way too. Such is life. I don't know what to do. Is there any hope of a relationship? Please I could use some advice from anyone who lived this. I feel at the end of my rope and hope. All I wanted was a happy family but it all crumbled to dust.
Another is to always forget things that are important to you, or the kids, but somehow never forget what’s important to themselves, like that one small thing (school glue?), you added to their list when they were already going to the store, Or doing something poorly which they are totally capable of doing, and have done, and then hinting that you can never be pleased. Maybe they said they would cook supper (spaghetti), but will run in to you 3 times while you are working, asking if the noodles are done. (Answer: I don’t know, would you eat spaghetti that crunchy?) Or everyone is ready to leave for your child’s big dance recital, and they have to leave without him because he chose that exact moment to turn the compost pile or mow the lawn. I could go on and on. But boy do they ever love him at work. Such glowing reviews! But why don’t I ever get to give him a glowing review! It’s been years now we’ve been apart, but such frustrating days still bubble up in my mind periodically. Why did it always have to get so stupid?
I made a list so I can follow better, I hope this helps some people out there as well! 1. Sarcasm and jokes that are actually insults which are followed by gaslighting. 2. Silent treatment as punishment. 3. Psychological manipulation and lies and picking fights and blame shifting everything onto us and how we “made them” do that to us. 4. Scathing criticism and put downs about us or the people we care about but it’s “for our own good” and because they are just “so nice”. 5. Guilt tripping us. 6. Stonewalling/ sabotaging us. 7. Threats that they will hurt themselves or others and how it will be our fault. 8. Playing the victim and smearing us, despite them being the only aggressor. 9. Them pushing our buttons and abusing us into reactive abuse then acting bewildered as to why we are acting like this “all of a sudden”. - love is a VERB, not a noun. 10. They want to be the rebellious child and for us to parent them. 11. Victimhood and martyrdom. Thank you 🙏
Great video that resonates with me. I ended the relationship with my BPD ex because of the silent treatment! It took her completely by surprise but I realised this nonsense would be the beginning of worse to come as she wanted more control over me in the relationship although she saw me as an adult figure to her. I'm so glad I did my research and saw her for what she was.
Is there anyone normal and reasonable out there? It takes so long for the mask to drop sometimes. I’m gun shy now. Strike 3, I am out of any relationships. Cant take the stress. Can’t keep cutting my losses.
That was such a lovely explanation. In fact I understood what codependency is better here than anywhere else. It just blew my mind how I relate to being a codependent and never actually saw it. You opened my mind up in just those few minutes. Thank you 😊❤️.
Practical example of passiveaggressivness in every day life, and maybe within cultural milieau, people inviting you over at dinner or lunch and forcing the hell out of you to have PLENTY and PLENTY of food, even after you said you had enough. I am italian and this is soooooo common. I mean it is nice when you have people to offer them the best and being generous but not to the point where you are going to make them sick.
When there is a high degree imbalance of power constant last minute changes in rules that is needed to be followed in order to fulfill their requirments alpng with willful gaslighting while doing so is a way for people in athority to be passive aggresive while hanging onto their status and increasing their profits at the same time on the backs of disabled and/or indigenous students. For example, the head of the program the student is studying in ater a week already into classes that they are sure the student is failing in a regular student group to fulfill a hands on assignments and then saying it is important for your student resposibility to find enough volunteer patients. Then after you have already found and scheduled all those volunteer patient appointments to do your assignments then saying out of thin air they come out with the "offer" of one already paid for a volunteer patient from their employee list ust (in case a volunteer cancels or whatever) -- who turns out to have the most difficult characteristics possible for a just learning student in an applied medical service field including very small adult stature and a paranoiaic attitude about the appointment. Then if you confide in them how difficult it was then they shame you to feel as if your every mistake made was evidence of your own lack of character.. All of which has made me feel all the more sympathetic towards anyone from a minority who is trying to succeed. In a way all senior citizens over a certain age are part of a minority.
The one I knew was passive aggressive he was very abusive as I’d ask him what bill he’s paid to try to help and he’d lie then steal money from me. I also lost my baby by him and he shrugged it off by “well I lost my baby too!” He didn’t quite understand what he had done wrong rather rationalized it
What if they are the ones that wants to be the parent and they want you to be the child, when you want both to be equal adults? But when I set boundaries they cut any kind of affection. I'm fed up of them assuming that I don't have more friends just because I miss them sometimes. It's like ''loving more than one person intensely at the same time'' is a whole new concept for them. I don't need you, you aren't a tool to be used, I make the conscious effort of having you in my life. I'm an introvert, not antisocial.
In intimate relationships the first question would be in my view if power is not far too important in the relationship. The examples described here, of course, indicate urgent termination of the relationship. Where more harmless it is perhaps helpful to disentangle resources, i.e. not use each other's resources.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you can find other support. I've listed free and anonymous helplines here: I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/
YT is making the world smaller, I appreciate very much your courage to go online and sharing, Not many people understand usually what we experienced, it's a wonderful support!
I knew someone like this in high school in my class. God, I can’t believe I had feelings for her. I kinda knew she was toxic but didn’t know how much? Long story.
There are a lot of toxic people like this about. You just need to learn how to spot them (although it can be hard when they are passive-aggressive as they dress this abuse up so cleverly and covertly).
@@Unbeatable She's married now and I'm glad I'm not the poor dude that married her. it's only a matter of time when she shows her true colors to him and they divorce.
Dear Vivian please tell me if I am crazy . My mother in law and my child are so passive aggressive. I don't know what to do there are telling me that I am crazy and make me feel worthless hurt and hopeless until I cry and break which just helps them to tell me I am crazy . I don't now what to do anymore am I right am I wrong I feel so stupid and confused. I believe that if people around are all having issues with me maybe ( my mother in law , one daughter , ex husband etc.) I am the issue and have to look at what I am doing wrong . Please help
There are some thing about emotional abuse that seemed logical to me but the more I research the more I'm starting to doubt some. This "passive aggression" is one example. It looks logical from the victim prospective but if you turn the tables then your defensive actions might be as well interpreted as passive aggressive by someone with Cluster B personality traits. And given the twisted reality they create it will certainly happen. I remember my ex-GF was perfectly fine with me telling my opinion on some clothing items that for some reason she asked about. I'm usually open with people I trust and will not sugar-coat anything and they are fine with it. They know what to expect when they ask. They know they might not like the answer and they also know that other people might tell them what they want to hear, but not me. So I told her straight - that blouse just wasn't built for her, that no matter how long she tried it it didn't look good on her. I understand she liked it but the answer was still no. Get something else. That was during idealization stage. Later during devaluation stage she again asked my opinion on other blouses she ordered and I told her again the way I saw it. She just gave me the look of death. Triggered! On other occasions when I had to just walk out because I couldn't handle her abuse and blame-shifting, when I had to establish boundaries, when I couldn't talk to her because of her crazymaking - I realize it qualified me in her eyes as abusive because of my perceived passive aggression! I was opinionated, arrogant, judgmental, patronizing, dismissive (add 40 more psycho-babble terms) and as I look at what's understood under those terms it does look like her entire life was one big nightmare, as all the people who got close to her had that and therefore were dysfunctional. So it's a vicious circle I guess. You can leave the abuser but don't be surprised if she/he tells everybody who would listen that YOU were the one who abused her.
Also.. mutual abuse is possible. She was active agressive you were passive agressive. If Walking out of an argument stops the argument that fine. But if it results in you winning the argument by closing it down.. it is a crazy making tactic because it leaves the other powerless to resolve the situation. Its a fine line between the two.
It sure is. To your title. Ppl who get along well respect n appreciate e.o! They have fun together. Passive -aggressiveness is dim. They share happiness together. They don't plot the next trick on you.
My ex used to make comments about my chest. Since losing weight, my chest had gotten significantly smaller, and I'm insecure cause of it, partially cause of his comments. He would shrug off whenever I asked him to not comment about my chest, and laugh.
Totally disagree with your point of view. I guess it really depends on the circumstances. Yes everyone needs to take accountability for their actions however the way you are can affect someone negatively as it can positively so if someone is talking about suicide or smoking because of you well just speak to them about it and see if it’s because of you. Don’t just immediately label them crazy or wrong. You’re crazy and wrong because you’re supposedly good emotionally and have your shit together so just take the time and address it. Also you need to relax when someone says you’re fat, this doesn’t look good or whatever. That’s their point of view; do you know who you are and what you want? So why does that bother you? If they are being mean about it like telling you all the time or making that fat or dislike be the major factor in the relationship then yes that person is bullying you and is crazy. Jesus with people these days. Everyone is insecure and is labeling everyone. You’re not perfect and having your flaws being pointed out should be a blessing in disguise. Those that love you should point them out in a loving manner and showing that they love you and appreciate you no matter if you’re fat or don’t dress well but a sexual relationship can be affected by those things so either change them or tell the person look it’s me and I won’t change and don’t feel and if they leave.
Thanks for your perspective on this. There is a difference between saying things calmly and assertively, which is where both parties win and aggressivess or passive-aggressiveness.
dwreus81 There are actually some people that don't have the emotional intelligence nor social skills to know they are being rude however, when you know the other person may get offended, even in the slightest way then why do it. It does depend on your audience yes, though there are some out there that gloat in the sneaky sly little offhanded comments intended to cause hurt to another.
I really hate passive aggressiveness because it is a subtle way of manipulation and abuse. Outwardly it looks like anything else but abuse and it is literally impossible to "prove" to the uninvolved that one is being abused. Nightmare, really.
It is difficult to navigate
I find it's just a learning experience in life. I just confront it and then set a boundary or move on. It's only hurting them at this point in my life.
@@joec1212 Best way to go
@@joec1212 That makes is sound so easy. I have so many boundaries with my husband, because of the way he acts, that we are barely speaking now. Everything he does and says is based on PA. I am 64 and disabled, and I don't know if I can leave. Confronting it does no good, counseling does no good. He just sits there and denies everything. It did not happen, I am making it up, he doesn't remember, etc. Or he simply does not answer me, or says, "I don't know." Round and round in circles we go. I am at my wit's end.
Yes, just as bad as narcissism if not worst.
Yes my mother has been passive aggressive my whole life. It is emotional abuse. Living with her is draining.
Can you find any way to separate from her?
So draining!! My mum was so close to bussing my arsenal two Fridays ago... I'm in my 40s..... Its nuts
My mother too. Took me 35 years of feeling like shit to realize it's her making me feel this way.
Same!! Dealing with this and I am so done. And now that I'm finally taking a stand for myself it's hurting the both of us but I just cannot take it anymore. Unfortunately I am still living with her but hopefully not for long.
I have a passive aggressive mother. She has a lot of sweet sides, but the comments, the backhanded compliments, they never end. I personally find it extremely difficult to see through, and very confusing, and never once in thirty years has she ever admitted it when called out. Not once. As this video so helpfully points out, this is gaslighting behaviour.
Best said ever: love is an action.
indeed. very powerful.
Actions speak louder than words.
I’ve found ,to my cost, that psychologists that aren’t familiar or trained in narcissistic abuse actually do more harm than good. Traditional psychology does not begin to comprehend the damage these relationships cause to the person on the end of the narcissistic abuse. It’s almost counterproductive and can be downright dangerous.
People say “just talk to them.” No! Someone who is controlling and abusing you doesn’t care what you think and is not going to suddenly provide an equal relationship because you “talked to them.” It will make things worse.
I agree- my husband is PA big time and when we were with our therapist the therapist made things way worse. I mentioned my husband doesn't ever say anything ( PA and avoidant) and the therapist literally said " maybe he just doesn't have much to say" I didn't go back.
you prolly dont care but does someone know a method to get back into an Instagram account..?
I was stupid lost the password. I would love any tricks you can offer me.
@Callan Bentlee instablaster ;)
@Colin Bruce i really appreciate your reply. I found the site through google and I'm in the hacking process atm.
Seems to take quite some time so I will reply here later with my results.
Love that. Love is a verb not a noun. You show people you care by your actions.
It was something I once heard on Dr Phil decades ago and it stuck with me
Love is understanding.
Absolutely. If someone says they love you, but everything they say and do makes you feel horrible, that isn't love, it's toxic.
I am guilty of using sarcasm. It takes a lot of work to catch myself, but I’m working on it! I don’t want to keep this unhealthy cycle going after growing up with a passive aggressive mother who loved martyrdom. I always swore I’d never behave like her & I’ve caught myself so many times behaving like that, but I’m getting better at catching and correcting it.
Went from that childhood into a 14 year marriage with a very passive aggressive man with abusive & narcissistic behaviours which I didn’t even realise was abusive until I got into therapy. Reactive abuse to your abuser is still abuse and that’s not who I want to be, nor a victim! It’s never too late to grow & change.
Best way to deal with this is to cut contact with them as much as possible. Also, don't get into a passive aggressive back and forth with them either, you'll just make them want to keep retaliating. Deal with them as little as possible, and don't get dragged into a passive aggressive back and forth war that will never stop. You just have to walk away and shut down communication.
I find myself being passive agresive, jealous and kinda bully when I get lost and completely unaware of my mental state. i lash out at anyone familiar who happens to be around me at that moment, when I realized I am being bitchy and difficult making people uncomfortable, i automatically remove myself from the situation and try to put my (angry)behavior into perspective. still working on apologies cause I don't know how to explain what happens to me without sounding like I'm excusing my toxicity. really don't want this to keep happening, the last thing I want to bring to this world is the continuation of the circle of abuse I experienced from narcissistic parent.
ps I'm so sorry anyone had to go through something like this
It may be what we were trained with, or been around. Someone said it's their fleas that got in us. Or it could be costs, response to triggers.
I’m actually okay w/ the silent treatment at this point .. after 26 years. The love bombing is harder to deal with if they decide to go this route.
He escuchado muchos audios para superar el abuso y TU eres la mejor!!! Explicas todo tan preciso. Otras explicaciones médicas o clínicas no llegan a uno a ver todo con claridad. Bravo!!!
So sorry I don't speak Spanish but thank you for watching!
@@Unbeatable I think she trying to thank you for helping her from some one who was passive aggressive.
@@natashaphillips212 Lovely, thank you for the translation.
As a survivor of the conditions that allowed me to be abused as a child, I have developed several passive aggressive tactics. Over the past years, Facebook, actually, was one if my greatest tools. I am still hurting over the realization that I had two years ago of that fact. Your videos help me to be a better person, to feel better about myself, my family, and to feel more at peace. Thank you for sharing your insight. I am grateful that we can become aware, we can change, and we can bring new peace into our families.
I am so glad they help you as that is what I am doing this for. It's a ripple effect. Change you and others change around you
If you want to make a person get mad, tell a passive-aggressive person that they are being passive-aggressive.
I used to feel self-conscious that I was being punishing by removing myself from abuse because the person will not stop their behavior! How unfortunate!
Susie Q It’s good that you can see it for what is is now - a form of abuse
Reasoning with them doesn't work!
Yes, psychologists can make it worse. I had that too several times. Horrible!
I'm sure there are some good ones out there, if they understand codependency and how they too can be manipulated by narcissists!
psychology and psychiatry are two different things, current psychiatry with emphasis on medication serve interests of big pharma but talk therapy and creative therapy can help people.
I'm currently working hard to overcome my passive aggressive behavior during Covid 19 epidemic, being and thinking passive makes the world seem a lot worse than it is. Keeping a cool head and slowing your mind down when doing tasks as helped me focus more. Creative writing chess, woodwork, yoga and being a business owner has giving me stimuli when faced with challenges. My family are all very passive aggressive when we are a unit, including me. I'm now seeing this and recognize their behaviors as negatives, which don't serve me well. I now realize that life is to short to engage in behavior like this. As I'm overcoming, I have more days when I'm feeling positive. But when I do have these moments, they really hit me hard and are almost impossible to shake off.
I am very grateful for this post. It feels like you are saying my story.
My adult son is very passive aggressive. Got it like a contagion from my Ex, his father. I suffered under my Ex who is diagnosed Bi Polar, is a covert Narcissist, and very passive aggresive. After 25 yrs I divorced him which was a nightmare situation. Imagine divorcing a Narc + Bi Polar + PA guy! Fortunately, I am immensely strong and self reliant, having come from a difficult childhood.
My daughter turned out to be a Grandiose Narcissist. Very successful in her field, but died recently from cancer. I am still grieving despite her abuse of me and everyone else in the family. She got that from her dad. Now my son is becoming passive aggressive and abusive every time I visit him. Yesterday, on my birthday, he managed to ruin the visit with his attitude, till finally I left in tears. It was a big day for me, a marker year. I spent it alone crying all the way home, so devastated that my only surviving child is now this way too. Such is life. I don't know what to do. Is there any hope of a relationship? Please I could use some advice from anyone who lived this. I feel at the end of my rope and hope. All I wanted was a happy family but it all crumbled to dust.
Another is to always forget things that are important to you, or the kids, but somehow never forget what’s important to themselves, like that one small thing (school glue?), you added to their list when they were already going to the store, Or doing something poorly which they are totally capable of doing, and have done, and then hinting that you can never be pleased. Maybe they said they would cook supper (spaghetti), but will run in to you 3 times while you are working, asking if the noodles are done. (Answer: I don’t know, would you eat spaghetti that crunchy?) Or everyone is ready to leave for your child’s big dance recital, and they have to leave without him because he chose that exact moment to turn the compost pile or mow the lawn. I could go on and on. But boy do they ever love him at work. Such glowing reviews! But why don’t I ever get to give him a glowing review! It’s been years now we’ve been apart, but such frustrating days still bubble up in my mind periodically. Why did it always have to get so stupid?
I made a list so I can follow better, I hope this helps some people out there as well!
1. Sarcasm and jokes that are actually insults which are followed by gaslighting.
2. Silent treatment as punishment.
3. Psychological manipulation and lies and picking fights and blame shifting everything onto us and how we “made them” do that to us.
4. Scathing criticism and put downs about us or the people we care about but it’s “for our own good” and because they are just “so nice”.
5. Guilt tripping us.
6. Stonewalling/ sabotaging us.
7. Threats that they will hurt themselves or others and how it will be our fault.
8. Playing the victim and smearing us, despite them being the only aggressor.
9. Them pushing our buttons and abusing us into reactive abuse then acting bewildered as to why we are acting like this “all of a sudden”.
- love is a VERB, not a noun.
10. They want to be the rebellious child and for us to parent them.
11. Victimhood and martyrdom.
Thank you 🙏
Great video that resonates with me. I ended the relationship with my BPD ex because of the silent treatment! It took her completely by surprise but I realised this nonsense would be the beginning of worse to come as she wanted more control over me in the relationship although she saw me as an adult figure to her. I'm so glad I did my research and saw her for what she was.
True show the person that you love them with your actions not just your words.
Absolutely. Talk is cheap, following through is all that matters.
My mother and stepfather minus niceties mixed in with acting like I didn’t exist.
I hope you've found some form of healing
Is there anyone normal and reasonable out there? It takes so long for the mask to drop sometimes. I’m gun shy now. Strike 3, I am out of any relationships. Cant take the stress. Can’t keep cutting my losses.
Same...:(
Thank you so much Vivian
Thank you for watching
That was such a lovely explanation. In fact I understood what codependency is better here than anywhere else. It just blew my mind how I relate to being a codependent and never actually saw it. You opened my mind up in just those few minutes. Thank you 😊❤️.
You look so strong and Beautiful 🙏🏻🌺🌸🌷🌼 you describe my mom and ex narc
You've saved my sanity. Thank you x
One of the best videos on narcissism.
Thank you.:)
Thank you Vivian for sharing all this information, you have helped me a lot! Keep up the good work :)
Practical example of passiveaggressivness in every day life, and maybe within cultural milieau, people inviting you over at dinner or lunch and forcing the hell out of you to have PLENTY and PLENTY of food, even after you said you had enough. I am italian and this is soooooo common. I mean it is nice when you have people to offer them the best and being generous but not to the point where you are going to make them sick.
Interesting perspective.
When there is a high degree imbalance of power constant last minute changes in rules that is needed to be followed in order to fulfill their requirments alpng with willful gaslighting while doing so is a way for people in athority to be passive aggresive while hanging onto their status and increasing their profits at the same time on the backs of disabled and/or indigenous students. For example, the head of the program the student is studying in ater a week already into classes that they are sure the student is failing in a regular student group to fulfill a hands on assignments and then saying it is important for your student resposibility to find enough volunteer patients. Then after you have already found and scheduled all those volunteer patient appointments to do your assignments then saying out of thin air they come out with the "offer" of one already paid for a volunteer patient from their employee list ust (in case a volunteer cancels or whatever) -- who turns out to have the most difficult characteristics possible for a just learning student in an applied medical service field including very small adult stature and a paranoiaic attitude about the appointment. Then if you confide in them how difficult it was then they shame you to feel as if your every mistake made was evidence of your own lack of character.. All of which has made me feel all the more sympathetic towards anyone from a minority who is trying to succeed. In a way all senior citizens over a certain age are part of a minority.
The one I knew was passive aggressive he was very abusive as I’d ask him what bill he’s paid to try to help and he’d lie then steal money from me. I also lost my baby by him and he shrugged it off by “well I lost my baby too!” He didn’t quite understand what he had done wrong rather rationalized it
Real aggression has a clear aspect to it which sees through B.S....
actually i am passive aggressive. I reconize it and i felt why i am like this. Going for healing process
Hi, Vivian
Thank you Awesome video!!!!!!!
Well said!!!!!!!💜💜💜
Thanks so much. Happy New Year.
I start undestand
How much im suffering
My husband the way
Sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
My mum and partner di this and if they trigger me they say,.... Look at you look how you're carrying on.
That is common for narcissists to 'poke the bear' and then use your reaction against you
Absolutely!... so true,...
Talk is cheap folks! If they say one thing, but their behavior doesn't match their words, it's time to go.
Yes, narc said that to me.
What if they are the ones that wants to be the parent and they want you to be the child, when you want both to be equal adults? But when I set boundaries they cut any kind of affection.
I'm fed up of them assuming that I don't have more friends just because I miss them sometimes. It's like ''loving more than one person intensely at the same time'' is a whole new concept for them. I don't need you, you aren't a tool to be used, I make the conscious effort of having you in my life.
I'm an introvert, not antisocial.
Yes it is! Whether is at work or relationship
I've had my fair share of this in my career that's for sure
I experience this in the area I live in a lot especially silent passive aggressive bs.
Sorry to hear that
Hidden anger
In intimate relationships the first question would be in my view if power is not far too important in the relationship. The examples described here, of course, indicate urgent termination of the relationship. Where more harmless it is perhaps helpful to disentangle resources, i.e. not use each other's resources.
Thank you so much. This is so enlightening for me.
Thank you! This is my spouse to the point.
Wow, this describes my father and some past partners to a T.
You describe my mother's behavior to a T. I'm so sick of it too.
It can be a nightmare....why don't people just get their hostility out in the open? Deal with it and move on....in other words...grow up
It would be great if you consider doing a video on narcissistic baiting, if that's something you experienced
The person I’m dealing with won’t buy me food if I upset them and I’m disabled with no help.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you can find other support. I've listed free and anonymous helplines here: I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Direct threats and smear campaigns are not passive-aggressive.
Thanks for pointing this out. I have an upcoming video on smear campaigns
This is very good. Thank you. Subscribed.
Great and to the point, thanks for your help, Greetings Franziska from Switzerland
You're my first greeting from Switzerland! Thank you for being here. Hello from Hong Kong.
YT is making the world smaller, I appreciate very much your courage to go online and sharing, Not many people understand usually what we experienced, it's a wonderful support!
I knew someone like this in high school in my class. God, I can’t believe I had feelings for her. I kinda knew she was toxic but didn’t know how much? Long story.
There are a lot of toxic people like this about. You just need to learn how to spot them (although it can be hard when they are passive-aggressive as they dress this abuse up so cleverly and covertly).
@@Unbeatable She's married now and I'm glad I'm not the poor dude that married her. it's only a matter of time when she shows her true colors to him and they divorce.
@@jbbizzle828 True colors always come out in the end.
Thank you!!
How do you approach a passive aggressive mother if you want to try and fix things.
Dear Vivian please tell me if I am crazy . My mother in law and my child are so passive aggressive. I don't know what to do there are telling me that I am crazy and make me feel worthless hurt and hopeless until I cry and break which just helps them to tell me I am crazy . I don't now what to do anymore am I right am I wrong I feel so stupid and confused. I believe that if people around are all having issues with me maybe ( my mother in law , one daughter , ex husband etc.) I am the issue and have to look at what I am doing wrong . Please help
There are some thing about emotional abuse that seemed logical to me but the more I research the more I'm starting to doubt some. This "passive aggression" is one example.
It looks logical from the victim prospective but if you turn the tables then your defensive actions might be as well interpreted as passive aggressive by someone with Cluster B personality traits. And given the twisted reality they create it will certainly happen.
I remember my ex-GF was perfectly fine with me telling my opinion on some clothing items that for some reason she asked about. I'm usually open with people I trust and will not sugar-coat anything and they are fine with it. They know what to expect when they ask. They know they might not like the answer and they also know that other people might tell them what they want to hear, but not me. So I told her straight - that blouse just wasn't built for her, that no matter how long she tried it it didn't look good on her. I understand she liked it but the answer was still no. Get something else.
That was during idealization stage. Later during devaluation stage she again asked my opinion on other blouses she ordered and I told her again the way I saw it. She just gave me the look of death. Triggered!
On other occasions when I had to just walk out because I couldn't handle her abuse and blame-shifting, when I had to establish boundaries, when I couldn't talk to her because of her crazymaking - I realize it qualified me in her eyes as abusive because of my perceived passive aggression! I was opinionated, arrogant, judgmental, patronizing, dismissive (add 40 more psycho-babble terms) and as I look at what's understood under those terms it does look like her entire life was one big nightmare, as all the people who got close to her had that and therefore were dysfunctional.
So it's a vicious circle I guess. You can leave the abuser but don't be surprised if she/he tells everybody who would listen that YOU were the one who abused her.
They often claim to be the victim and wage smear campaigns against you when you leave.
Its rather simple i think. If passive agressiveness enables you control the other or you do it as punshment then it is abusive.
Also.. mutual abuse is possible. She was active agressive you were passive agressive. If Walking out of an argument stops the argument that fine. But if it results in you winning the argument by closing it down.. it is a crazy making tactic because it leaves the other powerless to resolve the situation. Its a fine line between the two.
@@steffennielsen5942 Thanks for this perspective. It is a fine line.
@@steffennielsen5942 I agree
Hi Vivian, I am writing a blog post on emotional abuse and I would love to share this video. May I add it to my post?
Thank you 🙏🏻
My ex one time said “if you go now it’s over” when i wanted to leave the room is that passive aggressiveness too?
lana sounds like control but I don’t know the entire scenario
Typical emotional manipulation aimed at keeping control.
I wonder if a narcissist comes to realize their behavior????
I wonder the same thing
It sure is. To your title. Ppl who get along well respect n appreciate e.o! They have fun together. Passive -aggressiveness is dim. They share happiness together. They don't plot the next trick on you.
These types of people are the worst!!
You’re too sensitive or
You’re so dramatic or
You’re so high maintenance or
You don’t live in the real world
How about don’t upset your partner and they won’t be abused?
What?
Can passive aggressiveness be inflicted onto someone?
My ex used to make comments about my chest. Since losing weight, my chest had gotten significantly smaller, and I'm insecure cause of it, partially cause of his comments. He would shrug off whenever I asked him to not comment about my chest, and laugh.
Joobie Joob sorry to hear that.
Frolicking Elf I do planks almost every day.
They r weak as hellllllllllll
Totally disagree with your point of view. I guess it really depends on the circumstances. Yes everyone needs to take accountability for their actions however the way you are can affect someone negatively as it can positively so if someone is talking about suicide or smoking because of you well just speak to them about it and see if it’s because of you. Don’t just immediately label them crazy or wrong. You’re crazy and wrong because you’re supposedly good emotionally and have your shit together so just take the time and address it. Also you need to relax when someone says you’re fat, this doesn’t look good or whatever. That’s their point of view; do you know who you are and what you want? So why does that bother you? If they are being mean about it like telling you all the time or making that fat or dislike be the major factor in the relationship then yes that person is bullying you and is crazy. Jesus with people these days. Everyone is insecure and is labeling everyone. You’re not perfect and having your flaws being pointed out should be a blessing in disguise. Those that love you should point them out in a loving manner and showing that they love you and appreciate you no matter if you’re fat or don’t dress well but a sexual relationship can be affected by those things so either change them or tell the person look it’s me and I won’t change and don’t feel and if they leave.
Thanks for your perspective on this. There is a difference between saying things calmly and assertively, which is where both parties win and aggressivess or passive-aggressiveness.
dwreus81
There are actually some people that don't have the emotional intelligence nor social skills to know they are being rude however, when you know the other person may get offended, even in the slightest way then why do it.
It does depend on your audience yes, though there are some out there that gloat in the sneaky sly little offhanded comments intended to cause hurt to another.