Especially being female, you have everyone telling u who u are... I'm so relieved I've broken out of that mold, but it still scares me thinking about ever being stuck in that shell again.
@@3ch0_n0va I wouldn't say that females especially are subjected to social expectations. It's the same when you're male, only some expectations are different.
I'm in such a place. When thinking back on it too, the feeling of not knowing who I am began emerging sometime around my late teens. It just kept on growing since then, and reached it's peak around 2 years ago. Just recently been diagnosed, and it's definitely hard trying to figure out who am I? Who is the person behind all the masks she's been wearing for all her life? It's also very difficult to scale back the mask using... It's so instinctual, so habitual. But at the same time it's not really an option to keep on wearing them, because a). It drains a ton of energy, b). I feel unauthentic when they are on, which is honestly pretty distressing.
I've learned when to reveal my autism and when not to. A friendly, polite "I'm sorry, I'm autistic and struggle with things like this". followed by something appropriate related to the situation. e.g " could you clarify X", or ""If you'll excuse me I'll just step out of this for a moment." etc. I find most people are very understanding and willing to accommodate me in these situations.
If someone interacted with me this way, they would have my complete respect. This shows me that they are trying to understand me and are helping me understand them. Bravo! This is how everyone should be able to communicate and interact without judgement.
I've only revealed it once outside of to my husband and an ex boyfriend. That person who I thought of as a good friend ghosted me immediately. After years of friendship I never heard from him again. It really hurt. I'll never tell anyone again
A very important thing to add: part of accepting who we are is knowing what kind of social activities we like, and not trying to force going to huge parties full of people if we don't really like, for example. Respect our preferences and maybe sometimes get ourselves out of the comfort zone if we're in the mood. There's a social stigma that says a successful person is the one that has lots of friends and goes to parties every weekend. If that's not who we are, let's get rid of that
My whole live i tried to reach something i could call normal. Now i am nearly a month after my diagnose of autism (i'm in my late thirties), mentally in a hole since i have to define "normal" for myself. Knowing that usual methods probably won't work for me since i have to mask up. Funny enough i started the whole psychological health "journey" a year ago cause i tought i have to tear down all those fassades since i wasn't sure who i was under the masks. Well anyway, thanks for reading stranger, it was somewhat a short term relief to write this down here for everyone to read.
Thank you for writing it down ..... it helps to know that we're not alone and others are grappling with the same challenges. Discussing these things makes us less alone ........ less isolated
I'm in hiding while I work out what my life is meant to be, I was diagnosed on the 1st and turned 37 days later. I've been in hiding for years really, but now I know why, I think!?! It's hard to share when I don't know who/what to share though, right now I'm going back and looking at my re-programming... where I was trying to express myself or have fun and then at what happened to me and how I was told to act instead. I've started singing again, sometimes I even manage to dance a little, and I cry less. Look back, who were you before they told you how to be, sit with that person and tell them they're perfectly wonderful and soon they'll come out of hiding 💕 Thank you for sharing stranger 👯
@@lauralindsay319 I have you believe me. I think he did get scared of our relationship and I am a very strong woman, I’m sure I could handle this situation. He also could have been terrified of how he feels about me. Thank you for your input
I have to say this is about the only thing that acts as a support in this Autistic quest. I got my diagnosis in 2015 but didn't really start to identify and find myself in it until this year, which was because of these videos. Even though I don't participate in anything more beyond these videos it's funny because I still feel like I'm part of a community between these videos and the comments. I think it's knowing someone is speaking for us, teaching the world, and that many people here are on the same mission of finding a place for their Autistic selves.
He’s always straight to the point yet, hilarious. His knowledge has allowed me to remain focused on my personal journey. An help those around me get to see life from a “unique” perspective.
I want to tell you, finding your channel saved my life. I was in a suicidal phase and finding you who explained your brain in the exact way I do, and that you have solutions to problems I have made me so excited about life again. I always feel so alone and like no one understands, but listening to you has changed everything. Thank you so much for making these videos, for sharing with the world. I am a librarian at a college, and I presented a session on covid changes and how they affected me because of my Asperger's, and I put your channel on it so more people can find the amazing advice and hope that you bring to the world. Thank you so much, you literally changed my life. I hope to talk to you live one day, you are an incredibly amazing human being.
It's hard to know who you can be yourself around. I've been called weird and creepy by so many people. My feelings are easily hurt and this is my biggest struggle connecting with others. I don't understand when someone is saying it as a "joke" or being mean about it. I feel like I shouldn't say certain things and especially not show my stims. There are people I work with I can be authentic with them, but as soon as another coworker comes into the room I'm back my "normal work self."
I have a similar experience of not understanding sarcasm very well and not knowing if someone is joking or genuinely being mean. My son has started helping me by telling me that he is joking if it appears like I might not understand. I find it comforting that he knows and understands my brain has a hard time with it. Before I was able to put it into words there was more conflict between us. Now I feel supported.
I have always had a major struggle with who I let myself be myself around, and I have been burned badly because of it. I have trouble with knowing the boundaries of what I should and shouldn't share, and I know I have alienated some by withholding too much and alienated some by sharing too much. And even though i was diagnosed as a child, I never knew anything about it and thus just assumed that I was weird or strange. To the point that I put up with being the butt of everyone's jokes for my whole high school life. But now that I know a lot more about it and other people with Asperges/Autism, it infuriates me to see them doing the same as I used to and put up with being made fun of just to fit in and have some so called "Friends". I just want to yell at them lol. Not in a bad way, but to tell them that they have value and don't need to put up with people's crap. As a kid I absolutely hated always being the odd one out, but as I got older and learnt more about it the more I started to like it. These days I love the fact that I have it, even if that means not having a large friend network, becasue that suits me fine. I am happier being my neiche self to a select few people than I was having many friends who didn't really know or understand anything about me. And I hope that I continue to feel that way as I get older and keep on learning more and more. Sorry for the novel, but thanks for reading 😄
Compartmentalization, I do need to think about that for a while. I do this pretty exessively in some contexts. I literally have different names in different social groups.
You know, Paul, your insight and compassion are helpful to all people, not just those with autism. Thank you for having both wisdom and heart. I loved this video and learned a lot from it while feeling respected and encouraged all the while.
"... nothing much to do with me." That is what ended my relationships with my birth family and my ex 40 years ago. I simply could not be the person they demanded I be; and, they could abide, and were terminally embarrassed by, the me I could no longer hide from them. It just kept bubbling over the carefully constructed barricades I'd built. (Treatment for people with even mild Autism in the 1950s was - - - utterly terrifying. It even scares me now to think if what I escaped playin g a role I never wanted. My family could have afforded "the absolute best of treatment." That's not a nice way to die at least a "personality death but the husk lives on." That is when I learned I can thrive by myself. About a decade later I found my life partner who is remarkably like me. We are together alone most of the time, "joined at the hip." {o.o}
Good video. Yeah, that's what I've missed. Multiple connection points. I thought simply showing up to one thing consistently would yield friendship, but we need multiple things in common. I'm going to start revealing more layers to my friends and see if they reject me, and if so, I'll know I need to look elsewhere.
Friends are not an optional extra- that hut a nerve... if you have managed to keep some around you have confidence that they will enjoy finding out more about you.
Had a light bulb moment at "compartmentalisation" ....... am facing such a situation tomorrow and my anxiety is building rapidly. I don't know how to merge the two selves. I'm 62 and was diagnosed this year, so a lifetime of masking and countless other destructive strategies is challenging to manage. Getting there slowly, though. Thanks so much Paul, beautifully presented and extremely timely.
Hi Trinny....at least now you know, right? I was diagnosed at age 48, just 3 months ago. There are still so many people I haven't told, especially at work. After his video, I feel I should and it would benefit me to tell them.
@@alexisunicorn5498 Hi Alexis ..... congratulations on your diagnosis! For me it was like a new birthday - only better. How did you feel about it? I haven't told everybody yet ..... you'll know when it's the right time, trust yourself.
@@trinnyj1451 sorry I'm just responding. My keyboard had gone out. Typing on a tablet takes forever...I've gone through stages, like sad about it, happy, confused. My emotions keep changing about it. I feel like I have reverted somewhat because I keep looking for signs from my childhood wondering what my parents missed. I feel more autistic than ever. Struggling as my son has started socializing and I have to interact with other moms. How are you?
I used to call myself Jim.... Now that I don't really care to be " Normal " I tell people I think I can Trust etc..that I'm Jimms, as on Many different Jims at the same time..When you are Officially Declared Mentally Disabled., you have few choices except to be yourself, or yoi will get ripped apart emotionally by " Lesser " abled Versions of Humanity...... .
I am told that a lot, but whenever I am "myself" it backfires and I am left hurt or annoyed. People say that until you do it. Double speak from people, but I am only "myself" around people I know can understand me.
Everyone still left me and I entirely shut now socially now, even leaving my home to my job (overnights so little interactions) is still very stressful that I'm usually on the verge of a meltdown if too much happens. At work I'm crying cuz I'll be stuck in my head in a spiral that everyone left me and how no one cares. I got so much going on around me, so much has happened and the people who always said they loved me and will always be there but the moment I actually showed sign of my autism after they said they would accept me for who I am and to trust them, they just left so everyday I live in daydreams and I can't even focus on anything around me without dissociation.. It's been months like this and I'm really just wanting to end it so badly but too cowardice to do anything..
Daniel, what you've just said is so powerful. You have a great deal of insight, despite being in such a dark place. You're worth more than you know. Please talk to someone ..... even a stranger ... perhaps a helpline where you can talk to someone who's trained to help. I'm sure there are many people who read your story who are truly concerned about you .....
@@trinnyj1451 thanks for that but honestly no one gives a shit. I got so much I have to do alone, always burnt out to do anything else and no one cares to know how I feel just "get it done" ..
@@ktstbn it just makes me feel terrible when all stuff portrayed on persons with autism is such hogwash with a whole bunch of support and all that. Or them being smart and just have impossible expectations then I feel more alienated.. No wonder the suicide rate is high with autism yet when I show signs of it I'm treated as if I'm not putting any effort in when that's all I'm doing but I'm so alone and just cut off from socialising that I don't even have a goal in life, just tryna meet ends meet..
I'm going through similar things that you are describing, I thought I was alone too because as you said when you hear of Autism it always shows how they get special treatment and support and how acceptance is such a big part in making the difference. This is good, but sad for us who don't experience that at all. Also the gifted part, when for me just getting through the day and chores is my biggest goal, there is no capacity for anything beyond that. Right now is especially bad, I am at the worst period of my life in terms of barely functioning, despite my life being smaller than ever so to speak.
I have always had trouble perceiving others' intentions. For instance when a little old lady is approaching carrying an umbrella I cannot entirely dismiss the possibility that she might beat me to death with it. What I am saying is that there is a blankness in what I think people want and what people might do and that blankness has always been there. This anxiety about what others are doing is these days a lot better than it was. My authentic self comes out more freely these days because I have stopped inventing what I think people are intending to do and instead I have reconciled myself to the fact that I have, even after all these years, very little information to go on.
What you are saying makes sense to me. It is similar to not understanding sarcasm. For me I think it has to do with not knowing the context. If you don't know someone, like that little old lady with the umbrella, then potentially anything is possible. I find the better I know someone the more comfortable I can feel because I have context about who they are. And when I don't have that context I am more guarded, just in case.
@@LauRa-jh4fd Yes. I think it is hard to notice what we cannot do, such as my inability to read people's intentions. I stick with a small circle of people too, but mainly because I am very old now and I have settled with people of my own generation or thereabouts. I think also that talking to people is also part of the intention thing. I think people usually have a reason to strike up a conversation with me but I can't see it. I am not sure the anxiety will go away and I think it is a part of the whole deal of A.S. Also I wear an autism badge, which has helped me to signal to others that I might not read them very well. It is tricky in crowds; part of me reacts like I am walking among rhinos and it was like that for decades. These days, as I said before, I have accepted that there is neither a positive blip on my radar or a negative one, there is simply no blip at all.
I compartmentalized a bit at my last job. People left to work elsewhere and the group of people I would go out to eat lunch with and spend time with in the office slowly left. Work and life in general became more sad and lonely. I made myself leave like the rest of them and now I focus more internally. Thank god I got a family at home. I still miss work friends.
After getting to a certain age, at least for some of us I assume, all this crap we gotta try to figure out & try to implement and hope for the best on (while dealing with life's ton of other b.s. too) starts to feel it's not worth it and solitude becomes much more inviting & not so horrible as it once did. Maybe for those that have had a lot more success it usually feels worth it, I dunno. I think about all this stuff we gotta be mindful of and work at for the benefit of someone/some people that most likely aren't and never will be anyone that special to put so much effort in for and think how that's, well, I can't think of the word but it's not good. What is given to/done for people is what they start to expect from you. Anyone that wants me to put so much effort and focus in all these social rituals for them (beyond what I am already doing out of years of habit now) because it's what they expect of me, it better be for one helluva good reason and probably for one helluva amazing person/people but people so great wouldn't just expect and they would appreciate the effort, which was hardly ever the case when I was giving it my all for so many years.
Thanks for sharing...it helps me with my issues... recently self diagnosed, my past makes a little more sense... bullying and rejection is tough to deal with, as kid and as an adult... They don't accept us, we don't accept them.... gotta be a compromise in there somewhere... Hang in there...(that's what I keep telling myself)
I say let's do it for ourselves not anyone else. I am discovering that I can be myself yet have clearance levels that allow certain individuals to see more of me and others to see less, like what Paul was saying. And it is not for other people. It is a way for me to protect myself from emotional hurt from others. There are people I know I can trust to be myself around and there are others I know don't have that high of clearance to experience my unique self. And when I am getting to know someone they start at Clearance level 1 and I can decide when or if they get to a higher Clearance level and get to experience more of me. That trust needs to be built. Protect our inner beings.
@@thisolddown It depends what people are asking me to change. As an adult I was asked not to interrupt people so much. This is hard for me because I have a hard time telling if there is a pause in the conversation. But if I try to wait a little longer it helps. I was also boring people going on about my special interests. I did not realize that they were bored. I learned some different signals people give off when they want to leave a conversation. That helped me because I don't want to bore people. I don't like being bored by people talking about subjects I don't like either. In both of these situations I don't feel that doing these things has taken away from my personality. I still don't usually choose to hang out with neurotypical people (not they with me) but I think it has benefited me to learn certain skills. I refuse to change my core personality though.
@@thisolddown Well, I don't want to listen to neurotypicals talk about their boring topics so it would be unreasonable of me to expect them to listen to my special interests. I now can find a few people who are actually interested in what I like instead of wasting my breath on them. I also don't talk to rude people unless I am forced to.
Your video honestly confirmed for me that the friends that I’ve made in college are the friends that I should be looking for. Thank you so much! Cs Major here:)
Step one: educate yourself on all things emotional intelligence and unconditional love. Step two: apply various practices learned to your life in a trial and error experimental way until you find things that jive with you and resonate on a deep level. (Self-discovery journey) Step three: apply what resonates to your life while emotionally processing your way through all your trauma, et sl until you truly love and appreciate your authentic self and want to be this person all the time. Step four: revisit your earlier education considering other people and seeing them clearly: who is loving, who is narcissistic, etc. to determine who is trustworthy, etc and then you’ll know what to look for in people you can be you with and who you can’t. So basically: self-discovery and self-awareness journey. Then meet your own emotional needs be it pursuing a passion, etc and get yourself whole and happy first. Then seek love from others. But in the interim: find people like good therapists, life coaches, teachers, etc you can connect with so you don’t feel alone. You’ll get there with this approach. Books: seat of the soil by Gary Zukav, the power of now books, andy andrews books like the noticer Teal swan CZcams (some of her vids are good) Paul’s eq vids
He makes alot if sense to me...a new lifeline ..great to know I'm not the only one that finds it difficult to live in a world not designed for ppl on the Autistic Spectrum☘️☺️👋🏻
Ummm you are right, the current civilisation is not accommodating for aspie people. My insight was ‘I’ve tried so bloody hard for so bloody long to do the right thing to get a career and be successful and it hasnt bloody worked so Fuck Them I’m only going to do what I like from now on!’ I’m self employed - it’s lasted a lot longer, been far more enjoyable and my clients all think I’m GREAT. Highly recommended 👍👍 still aspie, still a somewhat baffling and stupid world to live in, but with a safe supportive nest to inhabit and venture forth from👍👍
I’ve only learned that I am autistic at 31 😬 now my WHOLE LIFE makes sense. I’ve slowly been going to my friends and telling them just to ensure they know and understand. Hopefully they will all still be there at the end 🙏🙏
I have zero friends. I used to have a few but they either ghosted me or I had to cut them out because they were abusive to me. I try to got to things once ina while to meet friends which usually results in days or weeks of depression because it's so stressful and I feel so out of place and unwanted or even mocked to my face or behind my back. It's emotionally exhausting. I have given up and accepted solitude. It's hard though. I'm a really kind person. I'm artistically gifted and love lots of deep subjects. I feel like I have a lot to offer but no one seems to see that. It takes a lot after so much rejection for me to look within and find some sense if self worth. My Buddhist practice helps.
I love this. Especially the bit about compartmentalizing people into different parts of your life and not letting them connect, .I definitely do this and I wouldn't have been able to verbalize it which I is very interesting to me. I understand the bit about risking rejection by offering new people in your life a part of who you really are although It's good to be reminded about it. What I'm less comfortable with is making friends. There are so many sub-sections to the process of making a friend especially is if you want to make a good friend. It's just complicated. I don't like the idea of using people - i.e. testing the waters to see if they'd make a good friend. If someone else does this to me I don't like it either.
You really hit the nail on the head with that phrase “Find A Socially Acceptable Version of Your Authentic Self”. As a 24-year old autistic, I’m realizing I’ve been masking my autism for most of my life. What I’m trying to do now is gain more self-awareness over my mask and also finding small ways to unmask. We are all built so differently and that’s a beautiful thing 🥰. It’s unfair for Neurodivergent people to make social comparisons to Neurotypical people when our brains just work differently. Authenticity is important for everyone whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse 🙏🏾
I just want to say I appreciate your dedication to doing this content for myself and others. Especially for us that are getting later life diagnosis. Your content is wonderful as we reframe our narratives.
I think most of us mask in order to get through professional and social situations in order to thrive and survive. I can only be myself truly around my parents and very closest friends.
In my personal experience, people are initially intrigued by me. They're drawn to me, want to get to know me more, love my honesty, love my abstract perceptions, until they realize that it's not an act. They see me as a novelty, that they expect to wear off over time. When they are done with the novelty, they move on
i don't have a diagnosis, but I really relate to your content. I have such s difficult time knowing how to behave with people anymore. people love me at first and eventually i will do or say something that offends them. it is exhausting
I really needed this video. Thank you. I have been hiding myself from the majority of people since my autism diagnosis 3 months ago. And this video explained to me why I need to let people in. I can't thank you enough for explaining it to me in a way I could understand. Thank you for your videos. :)
This is such a great reminder… I catch myself too much lately comparmentalizing to my own exhaustion. I reduced being with those that I over mask with. I am choosing easier people for me to be around. I am very tired
I find you so adorable the way you explain and talk things out. I have Asperger’s myself and every time I hear your videos I literally hear my soul talking about my true self. Love your content❤️
As a child I liked my personality. In Junior High I lost all of my friends and was bullied a lot. I remember thinking about fashion when starting high school, "I refuse to wear clothes I hate but I will not keep wearing clothes that get me bullied so much." I am not very good at masking. I do it sometimes but not many people are fooled. They still think I am weird but don't want to accept that I need to be on disability. Social skills are useful but not if your using them to hide your personality. Most people I will never be close to and that is ok. I try to be polite but invest my energy in people I have a chance of being friends with.
The dynamic that you describe seems to me to be true for neurotypicals as well, they tend to be less analytical about it, but the result is the same. The whole authenticity hypocrisy is maybe a bit confusing, but my authentic self would defecate in a corner. I have learned this is not acceptable, being potty trained. A crude example, but it´s impossible to draw a line between inauthentic self and authentic self if you interact with people is all I am saying.. So all anyone means if they tell you to be authentic is to be courageous. Not to bomb somebody with every aspect of you. And everybody is affraid of rejection. Everybody looks for a low cost compromise. I never found it hard to make or keep friends at least to my satisfaction. Right now I am in a position where I don´t want to see anyone and if I do, because relationships need to be kept alive, there is a significant cost.. But that is not forever. Historically that isn´t the kind of person I am. I just need time to lick the emotional wounds of events of the last few years, which have been exceptional. So your need for friends and human contact in general may vary as well. I wouldn´t state you need them always or don´t need them ever. Basically, what I am saying is there aren´t any fixed rules and it all depends. But that also means everybody struggles at least a bit and it´s hard to get it totally wrong.
thank you so much for this video. I am experiencing lots of anxiety related to how I interact with others and whether I'm being appropriate or not by unmasking. this video came at just the right time. thanks :)
I'm not autistic but I came to this video just to understand a very dear person in my life at the current moment. It's absolutely sweet to hear the way he explains it and it's truly informative to understand what this person goes through. I'm really glad content like this exists, thank you!
Instead of how can I change myself, it's figuring out how my authentic self can interact with the world. This is great practical advice for any aspie struggling with the puzzle of being sick of masking but also wanting to survive in the world! THANKS Edit: Not saying that's a ready made solution, there's still a lot of work involved and that's implied. It's still a puzzle but that seems like a less damaging approach.
Thank you 💜 for explaining this!!! You just gave me the "Ah Ha," I've been looking for!!!! Trying to take my mask off...but need some help...because I've felt rejected a lot lately, even by the few people I'm truly vulnerable🥺 with...but...this video... helped me understand someone I really care about 💜💜💜
I have found your videos to be extremely helpful. As I’ve been watching these at random, I’ve been trying to be my more authentic self when I feel I can get away with it. I’d rather get the no or the “rejection” early on than try to wear an elaborate disguise. I’ve never been good at that anyway. But now I have a different perspective on these things, thanks to these videos..,
😓 Very real concern. It can be few and far between the people we can find that truly see and understand us. And even when we love to be alone we usually still want a genuine connection or two in the world.
Hi, very nice insights of why we fail to keep many friends. We tend to compartmentalise our relationships between work, family, hobbies. Once we lose contact in that area we lose our friends. No wonder I fail to maintain relationships in my life. By the way, what is the book you are referring to on maintaining relationship in the modern world?
I have only personally found 4 or 5 friends in the past few years who accept who i am. One of my newer friends is also most likely on the spectrum and has a cousin who is a level 3. I don't feel the need to mask very much or at all atound him. On the other hand one of my other friends is a bit more stress prone and would get upset with me before i found out im autistic. As of now he is more understanding and realizes my problems. Some friends stay even through hard times. I had another who i stopped talking to because he would show me up we were supposed to hangout. Ive now learned this not someone i should be around and he isn't a friend. It takes time for us to understand who we should be around and thats ok.
Well, the thing is we all have to "fit in" to an extent. There's only a few people that see the "real" me. My wife and kids are the only ones that see the real me. Everyone else gets the me that fits in. I listen a lot and don't speak often in public, even if it's with family members. I have to see the situation and how everyone is interacting before I join in.
My best friend was my sister Stacey I was 10 years old when she was born she died of cancer ♋️ 15 months ago I was distraught and I’ve lost two brothers and another sister when my brother Richard died of brain cancer 1 year before Stacey died I started a huge garden on 5 acres my husband at the same time brought newborn 4 ducks 🦆 and 12 newborn chickens 🐓 of course I’m stuck on top of a huge garden taking care of the birds 🦅 a lot of work it’s the only things that have started bringing me out of the depression I’m doing so much better now. 😊
I started to acknowledging and accepting who I am and unmasking 3 months ago and creating now an authentic self which can function in society AND being authentic. I stopped to deny my weaknesses. If I apply for a Job my CV has my inseparable strengths and weaknesses in it. Nowadays I talk much more openly who I am. You made it more than enough clear the negative long therm effects of both extremes are devastating (Masking and being myself without adapting). I encourage to be an authentic Person AND learn how to handle situations as possible without being a weirdo. I feels liberating.
Thankfully I work in an industry where there are plenty of other aspies and the neurotypicals do really in fact enjoy the oddity of having us and readily join us since our own group discussions and activities are so wildly creative and amusing. They want us around and they don't even know it, that's how I stay confident to be me and not give a damn about if they think I'm weird, because I found they will always love me in time. You are the spice of life, have no shame.
this is really comforting. my second comment, but as I'm watching your video I am starting to see that I'm doing a good job of making friends so far. I know two friends, one is a joker, the other is an awkward person who matches other people's energy. I worry that I'm boring people but you've made me realise that I'm doing a good job of creating connections by talking about more than just plants and animals (the two topics that pop up most in conversation and connect us most)
I think a problem is what is "socially acceptable" differs in the NT vs ND mind. And unfortunately this strategy only covers what is the bridge between people. Because what I have inside affects what I bring to the surface. I can translate it, I can repackage what the surface looks like, but I can't change it, that's what I have to bring and I've got nothing else. And 99% people don't see any value in that. And 1% is not enough for my professional or social goals.
Thanks Paul, I’ve been so masked all my life and now I’m trying to be whoever I am, but really struggling. Not sure how, but I clicked on what you were saying here and can see how this can be done, finally.
0:51 Before you said it, I was already thinking of that Simpson episode where they goto Little Puagmattasquarmsettport and Lisa changes who she is and makes friends. I always think of that when people sat "Be yourself" and I'm like ... uhhh if I was to do that I wouldn't have friends I think.
Just want to give you a little hat tip for your CZcams name 👏 I will hold you responsible for every time I roar like a dinosaur when I tell people my name now! You never know it might help me make some friends that are on my level- either way thank you for the smiles 😄 (Ps. At 37 it may not work as well as I think it will!)
The problem is that most people find my interests and opinions so annoying or weird that telling about these things always drive people away. I can see them wanting to talk less and less because they think ok this person is way too weird for me. I know I’m late to this video but wow do I struggle with this. I want to be authentic and tell people what is most important to me.. but doing this made me lose all my friends.. well the two people I had as close friends. Maybe I have to go back to faking a persona like I did when I was in my teens and 20s because I was much more well liked back then and had many friends. I guess I just need to find people who share my most frowned upon opinion (because it’s also the most important to me).. what a hassle.. the chance that someone at a job will have this same opinion/interest is slim so I might have to hide it to be liked
I have found being yourself is a lonely experience with most people not liking or avoiding you.If you want to be unwanted and avoided be yourself but if you want people to like you be like everyone else.I am 54 I have never had a girlfriend because women call me a weirdo most of the time and avoid me so being myself hasn't worked out for me.
@@shirleymartin3605 I haven't heard that one before but even if that's true I am 54 years old if I haven't met anyone by now my chances of ever doing so are slim unless I win the lottery of course then women will be all over me like bees around the honey pot.
Thanks Paul for sharing who you are.... Does being on the spectrum make it difficult to be sincerely interested or accepting of other people... I'm self diagnosed this year...(in my 60s)
Speaking for myself, I have a hard time being interested in other's people daily lives and events, and an even harder time remembering those tiny events and daily lives details… Also many people don't "mesh" easily with me so I don't get much contact with them, and many others are just too dull to interest me… I am however very accepting (or at least I think so), except of people who hurt and deprecate others, and those who do so by disregarding important rules (safety rules, health and well-being rules…).
@@Crouteceleste thanks for that...I see why others avoid; they don't enjoy that much detail in conversation(oversharing)...it was eye opening to discover I'm wired that way...
Your work colleagues are not your friends. Any information your provide about your life outside of work can be used against you. It's nobody else's business what you do outside of work and who you do it with.
That is very helpful actually, I used to put people into very narrow categories related to where I would meet them. So I had a certain set of behavioral rules for every category, i.e. for university, work, private life from myself and private connections through my girlfriend. This was very exhausting over a longer time and I never made friendships oder meaningful connections. With your Insight I really got to think about this and got at least the idea to make new strategies.
There no con to be your self who ever tell you that need to wake up the heck up you should never let anyone stop you from being yourself otherwise your just wasting your time in this life
My father worked with a man who donated to the social club, but he didn't attend social events with the company. One day, my father asked him why, and his response was, "I have my colleagues, I have my friends, and I have my family. I don't let my colleagues become friends." On the one hand, I can understand what he meant, and my father fell into this trap with someone, it's difficult to have an argument with a work colleague who has become a friend on Saturday night, and have to work with them on Monday morning. With a colleague who became a social friend, they had other friends with whom did not share similar core values. For example, in January, 1988, this former work colleague and her family and another family who were their friends, rented a holiday house at Caloundra, for two weeks. Unbeknownst to me, my family was supposed to go up there on January 16, and stay the night, but, Saturday morning, it was changed and we went up and visited them on the Sunday, instead. The family with whom they rented the holiday house consisted of a father, who was a butcher, a mother who worked elsewhere and two kids. That family had a weird code that if you stood up, you lost your chair, which they found amusing. A dispassionate analysis of the situation showed that thy did not share my core values that everyone was catered for. In fact, the work colleague and the family had more in common and all we had in common was my father worked at the same company. We would sometimes have weekends away with the colleague, and the butcher would supply the meat, but he and his family became jealous. When I lived in one area, I knew someone who was very opinionated, and while we were on opposite sides of the political fence, I could, at times, acknowledge that they had a point that I agreed with, yet that wasn't mutual. Sometimes, I can meet someone I dislike but have something in common with them, and other times I meet someone and think, "Wow, we have more in common than just this."
Thank you for your videos Paul. Seriously huge help for me. Currently looking for a specialist In Asd so I can get the help I need to understand me more and the world. I also have ehlers danlos and psoriatic arthritis and recently disgnosed after Decades of gaslighting. I was also verbally and physically abused as a child. I am shocked I have turned into the way I am. I really do well in the world for all my issues. I have taught myself skills to survive and cohabit.. I had no idea until this year I am on the spectrum (self siagnosed.) Its hard to come to terms with how much masking I've done in my life, and convincing myself I was trying to be deceptive or fake. This video explains to me why it was so hard to ask people or have relationships. I did always hone into people who are very genuine and accepting. I could always be weird and myself around them.
I also had abad head injury in 2019. It's hard since to have inner monologue or hide my stimming. I hum and sing alot and think out loud. I used to hide this I guess, but my alone weirdness has crossed the border into I'm weird just about all the time
To make friends it's necessary to be interested on them. Since I gave up my sex life, the only person I need is my maid. I have never had friends and right now there is no one I would consider to be friends with. People are so f* stupid...
I live and work overseas with a small group of expats, and only visit my passport country for a few months every 1-2 years. Sadly, though, many of the hobbies and social activities which I grew up enjoying in my passport country are simply not an option here. I feel that I left my authentic self behind in my passport country and am finding it incredibly difficult to connect at a deeper level with my teammates here without the activities I enjoy to support those friendships. So, my life is strongly compartmentalized, but I just don't know how to fix it!
This is slightly off topic. When people wonder if they should mask or not thinking masking seems fake. I think of it as this. Would you be having a conversation with someone at work and blow out a fart or would you hold it in? I'm hoping holding it in would be the answer lol! But if your with someone that you are comfortable enough to let it blow then you can take the mask off.
It angers me that I literally told medical professionals that I had to compartmentalize my brain to function at a job, and still didn’t get diagnosed. We figured it out at home at 51! I would also like to ask if anyone else feels like a tile puzzle that allows you to reformat your brain for different situations?
After explaining my condition to my boss all I get now is being ignored whenever I freak out. I don’t get treated with understanding I get ignored with understanding. I think she doesn’t know what to do.
I've got my diagnosis just a few weeks ago and I've been in a few situations since then with friends and family as well as strangers that know about my diagnosis, and I just "switched off" my mechanism for checking if my level of eye contact, my posture, my 'pantomime' etc are appropriate. I never knew how strainig all this actually was until I actually tried to interact without all that and felt how much exhaustion and mental workload it saved. Getting diagnosed and subsequently being pretty open about that diagnosis were two of the best decisions I ever made!
This is a bit off topic, idk if I am autistic I think I might be though, but I have this thing where I zone out and go really deep into thought and it's kind of like the world slows down around me it's still moving. I can problem solve in that zoned out state at a rate that is much faster than when I am not in it, it can be something I get lost in though, like walking into an abyss so far you can no longer see where you entered from. Its some kind of disassociating, but from my understanding people who do that don't usually have the same experience I do, I always thought it was bizarre and have never told anyone about it, but as I watch these videos and do more research I am finding more and more ways I am similar to those on the Autistic spectrum than any neurotypical person, and if I do have some form of Autism it also makes me wonder if this is something anyone else in the Autistic community has experienced.
When you are masking so much over the years, that you basically forget who you are...
such an awful feeling :(
I can totally relate to what you are saying...
Especially being female, you have everyone telling u who u are... I'm so relieved I've broken out of that mold, but it still scares me thinking about ever being stuck in that shell again.
@@3ch0_n0va I wouldn't say that females especially are subjected to social expectations. It's the same when you're male, only some expectations are different.
I'm in such a place. When thinking back on it too, the feeling of not knowing who I am began emerging sometime around my late teens. It just kept on growing since then, and reached it's peak around 2 years ago. Just recently been diagnosed, and it's definitely hard trying to figure out who am I? Who is the person behind all the masks she's been wearing for all her life? It's also very difficult to scale back the mask using... It's so instinctual, so habitual. But at the same time it's not really an option to keep on wearing them, because a). It drains a ton of energy, b). I feel unauthentic when they are on, which is honestly pretty distressing.
I've learned when to reveal my autism and when not to. A friendly, polite "I'm sorry, I'm autistic and struggle with things like this". followed by something appropriate related to the situation. e.g " could you clarify X", or ""If you'll excuse me I'll just step out of this for a moment." etc. I find most people are very understanding and willing to accommodate me in these situations.
If someone interacted with me this way, they would have my complete respect. This shows me that they are trying to understand me and are helping me understand them. Bravo! This is how everyone should be able to communicate and interact without judgement.
So true most people are understanding. For the ones that aren't, they can go. There is only one you and you only have so much time.
I love this so much. Internalized ableism is something I'm struggling with, and things like this are just so beautiful to me
As I become more and more aware of myself, I am figuring out ways to address overwhelming situations, and these are great tips. Thanks!
I've only revealed it once outside of to my husband and an ex boyfriend. That person who I thought of as a good friend ghosted me immediately. After years of friendship I never heard from him again. It really hurt. I'll never tell anyone again
A very important thing to add: part of accepting who we are is knowing what kind of social activities we like, and not trying to force going to huge parties full of people if we don't really like, for example. Respect our preferences and maybe sometimes get ourselves out of the comfort zone if we're in the mood. There's a social stigma that says a successful person is the one that has lots of friends and goes to parties every weekend. If that's not who we are, let's get rid of that
huge parties are hell
Not all people like huge parties anyways.
Right, do you want to be society's idea of a happy person or do you want to be ACTUALLY happy when it means going against that? The choice is clear.
' find a socially appropriate version of myself...it's like a tiny little slice... it can be authentic, even if it is not the whole story'
My whole live i tried to reach something i could call normal. Now i am nearly a month after my diagnose of autism (i'm in my late thirties), mentally in a hole since i have to define "normal" for myself. Knowing that usual methods probably won't work for me since i have to mask up.
Funny enough i started the whole psychological health "journey" a year ago cause i tought i have to tear down all those fassades since i wasn't sure who i was under the masks.
Well anyway, thanks for reading stranger, it was somewhat a short term relief to write this down here for everyone to read.
Thank you for writing it down ..... it helps to know that we're not alone and others are grappling with the same challenges. Discussing these things makes us less alone ........ less isolated
I'm in hiding while I work out what my life is meant to be, I was diagnosed on the 1st and turned 37 days later. I've been in hiding for years really, but now I know why, I think!?! It's hard to share when I don't know who/what to share though, right now I'm going back and looking at my re-programming... where I was trying to express myself or have fun and then at what happened to me and how I was told to act instead.
I've started singing again, sometimes I even manage to dance a little, and I cry less.
Look back, who were you before they told you how to be, sit with that person and tell them they're perfectly wonderful and soon they'll come out of hiding 💕
Thank you for sharing stranger 👯
Thank you for sharing
@@trinnyj1451 you are so very correct
@@lauralindsay319 I have you believe me. I think he did get scared of our relationship and I am a very strong woman, I’m sure I could handle this situation. He also could have been terrified of how he feels about me. Thank you for your input
I have to say this is about the only thing that acts as a support in this Autistic quest. I got my diagnosis in 2015 but didn't really start to identify and find myself in it until this year, which was because of these videos.
Even though I don't participate in anything more beyond these videos it's funny because I still feel like I'm part of a community between these videos and the comments. I think it's knowing someone is speaking for us, teaching the world, and that many people here are on the same mission of finding a place for their Autistic selves.
I’m doing the same and have the same experience.
I love this guys content its so informative and extremely helpful, and i know its coming from a great place in mind
He’s always straight to the point yet, hilarious.
His knowledge has allowed me to remain focused on my personal journey. An help those around me get to see life from a “unique” perspective.
I want to tell you, finding your channel saved my life. I was in a suicidal phase and finding you who explained your brain in the exact way I do, and that you have solutions to problems I have made me so excited about life again. I always feel so alone and like no one understands, but listening to you has changed everything. Thank you so much for making these videos, for sharing with the world. I am a librarian at a college, and I presented a session on covid changes and how they affected me because of my Asperger's, and I put your channel on it so more people can find the amazing advice and hope that you bring to the world. Thank you so much, you literally changed my life. I hope to talk to you live one day, you are an incredibly amazing human being.
I totally agree with your take on Paul and his content and offering.
It's hard to know who you can be yourself around. I've been called weird and creepy by so many people. My feelings are easily hurt and this is my biggest struggle connecting with others. I don't understand when someone is saying it as a "joke" or being mean about it. I feel like I shouldn't say certain things and especially not show my stims. There are people I work with I can be authentic with them, but as soon as another coworker comes into the room I'm back my "normal work self."
I have a similar experience of not understanding sarcasm very well and not knowing if someone is joking or genuinely being mean. My son has started helping me by telling me that he is joking if it appears like I might not understand. I find it comforting that he knows and understands my brain has a hard time with it. Before I was able to put it into words there was more conflict between us. Now I feel supported.
@@LauRa-jh4fd awesome son...
Ideally people wouldn't call you wierd or creepy. Even jokes have meaning and people who see you that way don't fit your lifestyle.
I have always had a major struggle with who I let myself be myself around, and I have been burned badly because of it. I have trouble with knowing the boundaries of what I should and shouldn't share, and I know I have alienated some by withholding too much and alienated some by sharing too much.
And even though i was diagnosed as a child, I never knew anything about it and thus just assumed that I was weird or strange. To the point that I put up with being the butt of everyone's jokes for my whole high school life.
But now that I know a lot more about it and other people with Asperges/Autism, it infuriates me to see them doing the same as I used to and put up with being made fun of just to fit in and have some so called "Friends". I just want to yell at them lol. Not in a bad way, but to tell them that they have value and don't need to put up with people's crap.
As a kid I absolutely hated always being the odd one out, but as I got older and learnt more about it the more I started to like it.
These days I love the fact that I have it, even if that means not having a large friend network, becasue that suits me fine. I am happier being my neiche self to a select few people than I was having many friends who didn't really know or understand anything about me.
And I hope that I continue to feel that way as I get older and keep on learning more and more.
Sorry for the novel, but thanks for reading 😄
Compartmentalization, I do need to think about that for a while. I do this pretty exessively in some contexts.
I literally have different names in different social groups.
You know, Paul, your insight and compassion are helpful to all people, not just those with autism. Thank you for having both wisdom and heart. I loved this video and learned a lot from it while feeling respected and encouraged all the while.
"... nothing much to do with me." That is what ended my relationships with my birth family and my ex 40 years ago. I simply could not be the person they demanded I be; and, they could abide, and were terminally embarrassed by, the me I could no longer hide from them. It just kept bubbling over the carefully constructed barricades I'd built. (Treatment for people with even mild Autism in the 1950s was - - - utterly terrifying. It even scares me now to think if what I escaped playin g a role I never wanted. My family could have afforded "the absolute best of treatment." That's not a nice way to die at least a "personality death but the husk lives on."
That is when I learned I can thrive by myself.
About a decade later I found my life partner who is remarkably like me. We are together alone most of the time, "joined at the hip."
{o.o}
Congratulations
Wow, cool story👍 so lucky to have found your Love 😊
@@clareryan2640 he broke it off
@@clareryan2640 he broke it off
Not cool
To ”be yourself” is the hardest thing when you always are in a mind-storm about who you are and how you are like (ADD)
Learning who you are, and what you want, can be one of the hardest things to do in life. For Anyone.
@@steverempel8584 agreed
Good video. Yeah, that's what I've missed. Multiple connection points. I thought simply showing up to one thing consistently would yield friendship, but we need multiple things in common. I'm going to start revealing more layers to my friends and see if they reject me, and if so, I'll know I need to look elsewhere.
Friends are not an optional extra- that hut a nerve... if you have managed to keep some around you have confidence that they will enjoy finding out more about you.
@@lauralindsay319 Thanks Laura :)
Had a light bulb moment at "compartmentalisation" ....... am facing such a situation tomorrow and my anxiety is building rapidly. I don't know how to merge the two selves. I'm 62 and was diagnosed this year, so a lifetime of masking and countless other destructive strategies is challenging to manage. Getting there slowly, though. Thanks so much Paul, beautifully presented and extremely timely.
Hi Trinny....at least now you know, right? I was diagnosed at age 48, just 3 months ago. There are still so many people I haven't told, especially at work. After his video, I feel I should and it would benefit me to tell them.
@@alexisunicorn5498 Hi Alexis ..... congratulations on your diagnosis! For me it was like a new birthday - only better. How did you feel about it? I haven't told everybody yet ..... you'll know when it's the right time, trust yourself.
Be your true self
@@trinnyj1451 sorry I'm just responding. My keyboard had gone out. Typing on a tablet takes forever...I've gone through stages, like sad about it, happy, confused. My emotions keep changing about it. I feel like I have reverted somewhat because I keep looking for signs from my childhood wondering what my parents missed. I feel more autistic than ever. Struggling as my son has started socializing and I have to interact with other moms. How are you?
I used to call myself Jim.... Now that I don't really care to be " Normal " I tell people I think I can Trust etc..that I'm Jimms, as on Many different Jims at the same time..When you are Officially Declared Mentally Disabled., you have few choices except to be yourself, or yoi will get ripped apart emotionally by " Lesser " abled Versions of Humanity......
.
I am told that a lot, but whenever I am "myself" it backfires and I am left hurt or annoyed. People say that until you do it. Double speak from people, but I am only "myself" around people I know can understand me.
Everyone still left me and I entirely shut now socially now, even leaving my home to my job (overnights so little interactions) is still very stressful that I'm usually on the verge of a meltdown if too much happens. At work I'm crying cuz I'll be stuck in my head in a spiral that everyone left me and how no one cares. I got so much going on around me, so much has happened and the people who always said they loved me and will always be there but the moment I actually showed sign of my autism after they said they would accept me for who I am and to trust them, they just left so everyday I live in daydreams and I can't even focus on anything around me without dissociation.. It's been months like this and I'm really just wanting to end it so badly but too cowardice to do anything..
Daniel, what you've just said is so powerful. You have a great deal of insight, despite being in such a dark place. You're worth more than you know. Please talk to someone ..... even a stranger ... perhaps a helpline where you can talk to someone who's trained to help. I'm sure there are many people who read your story who are truly concerned about you .....
@@trinnyj1451 thanks for that but honestly no one gives a shit. I got so much I have to do alone, always burnt out to do anything else and no one cares to know how I feel just "get it done" ..
@@danielmiyahara9089 I really feel this. I’m sorry for the shit you’re dealing with. A lot if us live like this and it’s miserable.
@@ktstbn it just makes me feel terrible when all stuff portrayed on persons with autism is such hogwash with a whole bunch of support and all that. Or them being smart and just have impossible expectations then I feel more alienated.. No wonder the suicide rate is high with autism yet when I show signs of it I'm treated as if I'm not putting any effort in when that's all I'm doing but I'm so alone and just cut off from socialising that I don't even have a goal in life, just tryna meet ends meet..
I'm going through similar things that you are describing, I thought I was alone too because as you said when you hear of Autism it always shows how they get special treatment and support and how acceptance is such a big part in making the difference. This is good, but sad for us who don't experience that at all. Also the gifted part, when for me just getting through the day and chores is my biggest goal, there is no capacity for anything beyond that. Right now is especially bad, I am at the worst period of my life in terms of barely functioning, despite my life being smaller than ever so to speak.
I have always had trouble perceiving others' intentions. For instance when a little old lady is approaching carrying an umbrella I cannot entirely dismiss the possibility that she might beat me to death with it. What I am saying is that there is a blankness in what I think people want and what people might do and that blankness has always been there. This anxiety about what others are doing is these days a lot better than it was. My authentic self comes out more freely these days because I have stopped inventing what I think people are intending to do and instead I have reconciled myself to the fact that I have, even after all these years, very little information to go on.
What you are saying makes sense to me. It is similar to not understanding sarcasm. For me I think it has to do with not knowing the context. If you don't know someone, like that little old lady with the umbrella, then potentially anything is possible. I find the better I know someone the more comfortable I can feel because I have context about who they are. And when I don't have that context I am more guarded, just in case.
@@LauRa-jh4fd Yes. I think it is hard to notice what we cannot do, such as my inability to read people's intentions. I stick with a small circle of people too, but mainly because I am very old now and I have settled with people of my own generation or thereabouts. I think also that talking to people is also part of the intention thing. I think people usually have a reason to strike up a conversation with me but I can't see it. I am not sure the anxiety will go away and I think it is a part of the whole deal of A.S. Also I wear an autism badge, which has helped me to signal to others that I might not read them very well. It is tricky in crowds; part of me reacts like I am walking among rhinos and it was like that for decades. These days, as I said before, I have accepted that there is neither a positive blip on my radar or a negative one, there is simply no blip at all.
🌂
I compartmentalized a bit at my last job.
People left to work elsewhere and the group of people I would go out to eat lunch with and spend time with in the office slowly left.
Work and life in general became more sad and lonely.
I made myself leave like the rest of them and now I focus more internally.
Thank god I got a family at home.
I still miss work friends.
After getting to a certain age, at least for some of us I assume, all this crap we gotta try to figure out & try to implement and hope for the best on (while dealing with life's ton of other b.s. too) starts to feel it's not worth it and solitude becomes much more inviting & not so horrible as it once did. Maybe for those that have had a lot more success it usually feels worth it, I dunno.
I think about all this stuff we gotta be mindful of and work at for the benefit of someone/some people that most likely aren't and never will be anyone that special to put so much effort in for and think how that's, well, I can't think of the word but it's not good. What is given to/done for people is what they start to expect from you. Anyone that wants me to put so much effort and focus in all these social rituals for them (beyond what I am already doing out of years of habit now) because it's what they expect of me, it better be for one helluva good reason and probably for one helluva amazing person/people but people so great wouldn't just expect and they would appreciate the effort, which was hardly ever the case when I was giving it my all for so many years.
Thanks for sharing...it helps me with my issues... recently self diagnosed, my past makes a little more sense... bullying and rejection is tough to deal with, as kid and as an adult...
They don't accept us, we don't accept them.... gotta be a compromise in there somewhere...
Hang in there...(that's what I keep telling myself)
I say let's do it for ourselves not anyone else. I am discovering that I can be myself yet have clearance levels that allow certain individuals to see more of me and others to see less, like what Paul was saying. And it is not for other people. It is a way for me to protect myself from emotional hurt from others. There are people I know I can trust to be myself around and there are others I know don't have that high of clearance to experience my unique self. And when I am getting to know someone they start at Clearance level 1 and I can decide when or if they get to a higher Clearance level and get to experience more of me. That trust needs to be built. Protect our inner beings.
@@thisolddown very good... right on target...
@@thisolddown It depends what people are asking me to change. As an adult I was asked not to interrupt people so much. This is hard for me because I have a hard time telling if there is a pause in the conversation. But if I try to wait a little longer it helps.
I was also boring people going on about my special interests. I did not realize that they were bored. I learned some different signals people give off when they want to leave a conversation. That helped me because I don't want to bore people. I don't like being bored by people talking about subjects I don't like either.
In both of these situations I don't feel that doing these things has taken away from my personality. I still don't usually choose to hang out with neurotypical people (not they with me) but I think it has benefited me to learn certain skills.
I refuse to change my core personality though.
@@thisolddown Well, I don't want to listen to neurotypicals talk about their boring topics so it would be unreasonable of me to expect them to listen to my special interests. I now can find a few people who are actually interested in what I like instead of wasting my breath on them.
I also don't talk to rude people unless I am forced to.
Your video honestly confirmed for me that the friends that I’ve made in college are the friends that I should be looking for. Thank you so much! Cs Major here:)
Step one: educate yourself on all things emotional intelligence and unconditional love. Step two: apply various practices learned to your life in a trial and error experimental way until you find things that jive with you and resonate on a deep level. (Self-discovery journey) Step three: apply what resonates to your life while emotionally processing your way through all your trauma, et sl until you truly love and appreciate your authentic self and want to be this person all the time. Step four: revisit your earlier education considering other people and seeing them clearly: who is loving, who is narcissistic, etc. to determine who is trustworthy, etc and then you’ll know what to look for in people you can be you with and who you can’t.
So basically: self-discovery and self-awareness journey. Then meet your own emotional needs be it pursuing a passion, etc and get yourself whole and happy first. Then seek love from others.
But in the interim: find people like good therapists, life coaches, teachers, etc you can connect with so you don’t feel alone.
You’ll get there with this approach.
Books: seat of the soil by Gary Zukav, the power of now books, andy andrews books like the noticer
Teal swan CZcams (some of her vids are good)
Paul’s eq vids
He makes alot if sense to me...a new lifeline ..great to know I'm not the only one that finds it difficult to live in a world not designed for ppl on the Autistic Spectrum☘️☺️👋🏻
Ummm you are right, the current civilisation is not accommodating for aspie people. My insight was ‘I’ve tried so bloody hard for so bloody long to do the right thing to get a career and be successful and it hasnt bloody worked so Fuck Them I’m only going to do what I like from now on!’ I’m self employed - it’s lasted a lot longer, been far more enjoyable and my clients all think I’m GREAT. Highly recommended 👍👍 still aspie, still a somewhat baffling and stupid world to live in, but with a safe supportive nest to inhabit and venture forth from👍👍
I’ve only learned that I am autistic at 31 😬 now my WHOLE LIFE makes sense. I’ve slowly been going to my friends and telling them just to ensure they know and understand. Hopefully they will all still be there at the end 🙏🙏
I have zero friends. I used to have a few but they either ghosted me or I had to cut them out because they were abusive to me. I try to got to things once ina while to meet friends which usually results in days or weeks of depression because it's so stressful and I feel so out of place and unwanted or even mocked to my face or behind my back. It's emotionally exhausting. I have given up and accepted solitude. It's hard though. I'm a really kind person. I'm artistically gifted and love lots of deep subjects. I feel like I have a lot to offer but no one seems to see that. It takes a lot after so much rejection for me to look within and find some sense if self worth. My Buddhist practice helps.
I love this. Especially the bit about compartmentalizing people into different parts of your life and not letting them connect, .I definitely do this and I wouldn't have been able to verbalize it which I is very interesting to me. I understand the bit about risking rejection by offering new people in your life a part of who you really are although It's good to be reminded about it. What I'm less comfortable with is making friends. There are so many sub-sections to the process of making a friend especially is if you want to make a good friend. It's just complicated. I don't like the idea of using people - i.e. testing the waters to see if they'd make a good friend. If someone else does this to me I don't like it either.
sometimes i think NTs aren't very nice ppl at-all. (Lots & lots of negative experiences)
You really hit the nail on the head with that phrase “Find A Socially Acceptable Version of Your Authentic Self”. As a 24-year old autistic, I’m realizing I’ve been masking my autism for most of my life. What I’m trying to do now is gain more self-awareness over my mask and also finding small ways to unmask. We are all built so differently and that’s a beautiful thing 🥰. It’s unfair for Neurodivergent people to make social comparisons to Neurotypical people when our brains just work differently. Authenticity is important for everyone whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse 🙏🏾
I just want to say I appreciate your dedication to doing this content for myself and others. Especially for us that are getting later life diagnosis. Your content is wonderful as we reframe our narratives.
I agree at 67. This content is life saving.
I think most of us mask in order to get through professional and social situations in order to thrive and survive. I can only be myself truly around my parents and very closest friends.
In my personal experience, people are initially intrigued by me. They're drawn to me, want to get to know me more, love my honesty, love my abstract perceptions, until they realize that it's not an act. They see me as a novelty, that they expect to wear off over time. When they are done with the novelty, they move on
i don't have a diagnosis, but I really relate to your content. I have such s difficult time knowing how to behave with people anymore. people love me at first and eventually i will do or say something that offends them. it is exhausting
I really needed this video. Thank you. I have been hiding myself from the majority of people since my autism diagnosis 3 months ago. And this video explained to me why I need to let people in. I can't thank you enough for explaining it to me in a way I could understand. Thank you for your videos. :)
This is such a great reminder… I catch myself too much lately comparmentalizing to my own exhaustion. I reduced being with those that I over mask with. I am choosing easier people for me to be around. I am very tired
I find you so adorable the way you explain and talk things out. I have Asperger’s myself and every time I hear your videos I literally hear my soul talking about my true self. Love your content❤️
All of your content is golden: heartfelt, accurate, and productive. Thank you for sharing!
As a child I liked my personality. In Junior High I lost all of my friends and was bullied a lot. I remember thinking about fashion when starting high school, "I refuse to wear clothes I hate but I will not keep wearing clothes that get me bullied so much."
I am not very good at masking. I do it sometimes but not many people are fooled. They still think I am weird but don't want to accept that I need to be on disability.
Social skills are useful but not if your using them to hide your personality.
Most people I will never be close to and that is ok. I try to be polite but invest my energy in people I have a chance of being friends with.
I’ve gotten the words exact words “You’re, trying too hard”
I know change is Good & yet concerning as we age as an Autistic Adult *Female* or Male🇺🇸
The dynamic that you describe seems to me to be true for neurotypicals as well, they tend to be less analytical about it, but the result is the same. The whole authenticity hypocrisy is maybe a bit confusing, but my authentic self would defecate in a corner. I have learned this is not acceptable, being potty trained. A crude example, but it´s impossible to draw a line between inauthentic self and authentic self if you interact with people is all I am saying.. So all anyone means if they tell you to be authentic is to be courageous. Not to bomb somebody with every aspect of you. And everybody is affraid of rejection. Everybody looks for a low cost compromise. I never found it hard to make or keep friends at least to my satisfaction. Right now I am in a position where I don´t want to see anyone and if I do, because relationships need to be kept alive, there is a significant cost.. But that is not forever. Historically that isn´t the kind of person I am. I just need time to lick the emotional wounds of events of the last few years, which have been exceptional. So your need for friends and human contact in general may vary as well. I wouldn´t state you need them always or don´t need them ever. Basically, what I am saying is there aren´t any fixed rules and it all depends. But that also means everybody struggles at least a bit and it´s hard to get it totally wrong.
thank you so much for this video. I am experiencing lots of anxiety related to how I interact with others and whether I'm being appropriate or not by unmasking. this video came at just the right time. thanks :)
I'm not autistic but I came to this video just to understand a very dear person in my life at the current moment. It's absolutely sweet to hear the way he explains it and it's truly informative to understand what this person goes through. I'm really glad content like this exists, thank you!
Discovering your channel was such a relief. I see myself in your words in each videos.
Instead of how can I change myself, it's figuring out how my authentic self can interact with the world. This is great practical advice for any aspie struggling with the puzzle of being sick of masking but also wanting to survive in the world! THANKS
Edit: Not saying that's a ready made solution, there's still a lot of work involved and that's implied. It's still a puzzle but that seems like a less damaging approach.
Wow.. well that was definitly an eye opening video.
Definitely gave me something to think about.
Thank you 💜 for explaining this!!! You just gave me the "Ah Ha," I've been looking for!!!! Trying to take my mask off...but need some help...because I've felt rejected a lot lately, even by the few people I'm truly vulnerable🥺 with...but...this video... helped me understand someone I really care about 💜💜💜
I appreciated this. You addressed the very issue I'm struggling with.
I have found your videos to be extremely helpful. As I’ve been watching these at random, I’ve been trying to be my more authentic self when I feel I can get away with it.
I’d rather get the no or the “rejection” early on than try to wear an elaborate disguise. I’ve never been good at that anyway. But now I have a different perspective on these things, thanks to these videos..,
I like your reflexion about risking yes and no. Really good point 👏
I worry sometimes about my future when my Mom is no longer here. I just can't seem to make and/or keep a connection with anyone.
😓 Very real concern. It can be few and far between the people we can find that truly see and understand us. And even when we love to be alone we usually still want a genuine connection or two in the world.
Hi, very nice insights of why we fail to keep many friends. We tend to compartmentalise our relationships between work, family, hobbies. Once we lose contact in that area we lose our friends. No wonder I fail to maintain relationships in my life.
By the way, what is the book you are referring to on maintaining relationship in the modern world?
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Your videos are always a huge help. Thank you
Thank you for holding off a little bit on posting the premiere.
I have only personally found 4 or 5 friends in the past few years who accept who i am. One of my newer friends is also most likely on the spectrum and has a cousin who is a level 3. I don't feel the need to mask very much or at all atound him. On the other hand one of my other friends is a bit more stress prone and would get upset with me before i found out im autistic. As of now he is more understanding and realizes my problems. Some friends stay even through hard times. I had another who i stopped talking to because he would show me up we were supposed to hangout. Ive now learned this not someone i should be around and he isn't a friend. It takes time for us to understand who we should be around and thats ok.
Well, the thing is we all have to "fit in" to an extent. There's only a few people that see the "real" me. My wife and kids are the only ones that see the real me. Everyone else gets the me that fits in. I listen a lot and don't speak often in public, even if it's with family members. I have to see the situation and how everyone is interacting before I join in.
Me too.
My best friend was my sister Stacey I was 10 years old when she was born she died of cancer ♋️ 15 months ago I was distraught and I’ve lost two brothers and another sister when my brother Richard died of brain cancer 1 year before Stacey died I started a huge garden on 5 acres my husband at the same time brought newborn 4 ducks 🦆 and 12 newborn chickens 🐓 of course I’m stuck on top of a huge garden taking care of the birds 🦅 a lot of work it’s the only things that have started bringing me out of the depression I’m doing so much better now. 😊
I started to acknowledging and accepting who I am and unmasking 3 months ago and creating now an authentic self which can function in society AND being authentic. I stopped to deny my weaknesses. If I apply for a Job my CV has my inseparable strengths and weaknesses in it. Nowadays I talk much more openly who I am. You made it more than enough clear the negative long therm effects of both extremes are devastating (Masking and being myself without adapting). I encourage to be an authentic Person AND learn how to handle situations as possible without being a weirdo. I feels liberating.
How did I miss the start, I'm literally here!
Thank you. I need to be my true self and not follow what society expects.
Thankfully I work in an industry where there are plenty of other aspies and the neurotypicals do really in fact enjoy the oddity of having us and readily join us since our own group discussions and activities are so wildly creative and amusing. They want us around and they don't even know it, that's how I stay confident to be me and not give a damn about if they think I'm weird, because I found they will always love me in time. You are the spice of life, have no shame.
this is really comforting. my second comment, but as I'm watching your video I am starting to see that I'm doing a good job of making friends so far. I know two friends, one is a joker, the other is an awkward person who matches other people's energy. I worry that I'm boring people but you've made me realise that I'm doing a good job of creating connections by talking about more than just plants and animals (the two topics that pop up most in conversation and connect us most)
I think a problem is what is "socially acceptable" differs in the NT vs ND mind. And unfortunately this strategy only covers what is the bridge between people. Because what I have inside affects what I bring to the surface. I can translate it, I can repackage what the surface looks like, but I can't change it, that's what I have to bring and I've got nothing else. And 99% people don't see any value in that. And 1% is not enough for my professional or social goals.
Thanks Paul, I’ve been so masked all my life and now I’m trying to be whoever I am, but really struggling. Not sure how, but I clicked on what you were saying here and can see how this can be done, finally.
0:51 Before you said it, I was already thinking of that Simpson episode where they goto Little Puagmattasquarmsettport and Lisa changes who she is and makes friends. I always think of that when people sat "Be yourself" and I'm like ... uhhh if I was to do that I wouldn't have friends I think.
Brilliant!
Great articulation of this phenomenon.
Just want to give you a little hat tip for your CZcams name 👏
I will hold you responsible for every time I roar like a dinosaur when I tell people my name now! You never know it might help me make some friends that are on my level- either way thank you for the smiles 😄
(Ps. At 37 it may not work as well as I think it will!)
@@lauralindsay319 The Mystery of Laura
@@lauralindsay319 thx & yw! It's fun being a little quirky.🙃
This has helped me so much, thanks Paul!
I get disdain for being myself. I end up explaining my thought processes and motives a lot.
The problem is that most people find my interests and opinions so annoying or weird that telling about these things always drive people away. I can see them wanting to talk less and less because they think ok this person is way too weird for me. I know I’m late to this video but wow do I struggle with this. I want to be authentic and tell people what is most important to me.. but doing this made me lose all my friends.. well the two people I had as close friends. Maybe I have to go back to faking a persona like I did when I was in my teens and 20s because I was much more well liked back then and had many friends. I guess I just need to find people who share my most frowned upon opinion (because it’s also the most important to me).. what a hassle.. the chance that someone at a job will have this same opinion/interest is slim so I might have to hide it to be liked
I have found being yourself is a lonely experience with most people not liking or avoiding you.If you want to be unwanted and avoided be yourself but if you want people to like you be like everyone else.I am 54 I have never had a girlfriend because women call me a weirdo most of the time and avoid me so being myself hasn't worked out for me.
They’re missing out. Don’t let people define you.
@@shirleymartin3605 I don't but because I am myself most people avoid me and women don't like me.
@@carlgreene538 they’re probably missing out.
You know Carl, there’s a lid for every pot. I don’t know if you know this expression but there is someone for us all.
@@shirleymartin3605 I haven't heard that one before but even if that's true I am 54 years old if I haven't met anyone by now my chances of ever doing so are slim unless I win the lottery of course then women will be all over me like bees around the honey pot.
I like that you are at your desk with no computer generated visuals!
Thanks Paul for sharing who you are.... Does being on the spectrum make it difficult to be sincerely interested or accepting of other people... I'm self diagnosed this year...(in my 60s)
Speaking for myself, I have a hard time being interested in other's people daily lives and events, and an even harder time remembering those tiny events and daily lives details… Also many people don't "mesh" easily with me so I don't get much contact with them, and many others are just too dull to interest me…
I am however very accepting (or at least I think so), except of people who hurt and deprecate others, and those who do so by disregarding important rules (safety rules, health and well-being rules…).
@@Crouteceleste thanks for that...I see why others avoid; they don't enjoy that much detail in conversation(oversharing)...it was eye opening to discover I'm wired that way...
Your work colleagues are not your friends. Any information your provide about your life outside of work can be used against you. It's nobody else's business what you do outside of work and who you do it with.
That is very helpful actually, I used to put people into very narrow categories related to where I would meet them. So I had a certain set of behavioral rules for every category, i.e. for university, work, private life from myself and private connections through my girlfriend. This was very exhausting over a longer time and I never made friendships oder meaningful connections. With your Insight I really got to think about this and got at least the idea to make new strategies.
There no con to be your self who ever tell you that need to wake up the heck up you should never let anyone stop you from being yourself otherwise your just wasting your time in this life
Well, 1690 views, 332 likes (including myself) 0 dislikes. Paul, it looks like you are succeeding!!
My father worked with a man who donated to the social club, but he didn't attend social events with the company. One day, my father asked him why, and his response was, "I have my colleagues, I have my friends, and I have my family. I don't let my colleagues become friends." On the one hand, I can understand what he meant, and my father fell into this trap with someone, it's difficult to have an argument with a work colleague who has become a friend on Saturday night, and have to work with them on Monday morning. With a colleague who became a social friend, they had other friends with whom did not share similar core values. For example, in January, 1988, this former work colleague and her family and another family who were their friends, rented a holiday house at Caloundra, for two weeks. Unbeknownst to me, my family was supposed to go up there on January 16, and stay the night, but, Saturday morning, it was changed and we went up and visited them on the Sunday, instead. The family with whom they rented the holiday house consisted of a father, who was a butcher, a mother who worked elsewhere and two kids. That family had a weird code that if you stood up, you lost your chair, which they found amusing. A dispassionate analysis of the situation showed that thy did not share my core values that everyone was catered for. In fact, the work colleague and the family had more in common and all we had in common was my father worked at the same company. We would sometimes have weekends away with the colleague, and the butcher would supply the meat, but he and his family became jealous.
When I lived in one area, I knew someone who was very opinionated, and while we were on opposite sides of the political fence, I could, at times, acknowledge that they had a point that I agreed with, yet that wasn't mutual. Sometimes, I can meet someone I dislike but have something in common with them, and other times I meet someone and think, "Wow, we have more in common than just this."
That's so cool that we thought of the same Simpsons Episide. Before you'd said it I was picturing Lisa on the beach. Wow.
Thank you for your videos Paul. Seriously huge help for me. Currently looking for a specialist In Asd so I can get the help I need to understand me more and the world. I also have ehlers danlos and psoriatic arthritis and recently disgnosed after Decades of gaslighting. I was also verbally and physically abused as a child. I am shocked I have turned into the way I am. I really do well in the world for all my issues. I have taught myself skills to survive and cohabit.. I had no idea until this year I am on the spectrum (self siagnosed.) Its hard to come to terms with how much masking I've done in my life, and convincing myself I was trying to be deceptive or fake. This video explains to me why it was so hard to ask people or have relationships. I did always hone into people who are very genuine and accepting. I could always be weird and myself around them.
I also had abad head injury in 2019. It's hard since to have inner monologue or hide my stimming. I hum and sing alot and think out loud. I used to hide this I guess, but my alone weirdness has crossed the border into I'm weird just about all the time
some of those things you said are actually natural human-like boundaries or life questioning questions
Stellar video. Thank you, thank you, Paul!
7:18 it hasn't really worked for me.once I'd left a job, an organisation, I basically cut off all ties with those who I've worked/befriended with.
I attract nothing but narcissists, so now I don't bother.
Yes same, and I never knew why
@@ktstbn Sharks smell blood, so to speak
Phew. Forwarding this to my therapist.
Very very wise advise. Thanks for sharing your thoughts it’s really helpful. 🤔😎
I have watched so many of your awesome videos! This one is my new favorite.
To make friends it's necessary to be interested on them. Since I gave up my sex life, the only person I need is my maid. I have never had friends and right now there is no one I would consider to be friends with. People are so f* stupid...
I live and work overseas with a small group of expats, and only visit my passport country for a few months every 1-2 years. Sadly, though, many of the hobbies and social activities which I grew up enjoying in my passport country are simply not an option here. I feel that I left my authentic self behind in my passport country and am finding it incredibly difficult to connect at a deeper level with my teammates here without the activities I enjoy to support those friendships. So, my life is strongly compartmentalized, but I just don't know how to fix it!
Don’t just “be yourself”, be “the best version of yourself”.
But remember to be gentle to yourself in the process. 😘
@@cfcollares Very important :)
I'm not schizophrenic, I am single.
@@DeadJDona ??
I think you are confusing multiple personalities with schizophrenia.
@@cfcollares Amen brother
your very smart, thanks
This is slightly off topic. When people wonder if they should mask or not thinking masking seems fake. I think of it as this. Would you be having a conversation with someone at work and blow out a fart or would you hold it in? I'm hoping holding it in would be the answer lol! But if your with someone that you are comfortable enough to let it blow then you can take the mask off.
No because we're still changing to suit them we shouldn't have to change to be accepted I am going to be alone forever
It angers me that I literally told medical professionals that I had to compartmentalize my brain to function at a job, and still didn’t get diagnosed. We figured it out at home at 51!
I would also like to ask if anyone else feels like a tile puzzle that allows you to reformat your brain for different situations?
Good 👍 thought, Paul.
Are we allowed to comment?
After explaining my condition to my boss all I get now is being ignored whenever I freak out. I don’t get treated with understanding I get ignored with understanding. I think she doesn’t know what to do.
Thank you
Thank you for your advice it means a lot
Is this enough eye 👁 👀 contact? Lol 😂
Lmao 😭😭😭
I've got my diagnosis just a few weeks ago and I've been in a few situations since then with friends and family as well as strangers that know about my diagnosis, and I just "switched off" my mechanism for checking if my level of eye contact, my posture, my 'pantomime' etc are appropriate.
I never knew how strainig all this actually was until I actually tried to interact without all that and felt how much exhaustion and mental workload it saved.
Getting diagnosed and subsequently being pretty open about that diagnosis were two of the best decisions I ever made!
This is a bit off topic, idk if I am autistic I think I might be though, but I have this thing where I zone out and go really deep into thought and it's kind of like the world slows down around me it's still moving. I can problem solve in that zoned out state at a rate that is much faster than when I am not in it, it can be something I get lost in though, like walking into an abyss so far you can no longer see where you entered from. Its some kind of disassociating, but from my understanding people who do that don't usually have the same experience I do, I always thought it was bizarre and have never told anyone about it, but as I watch these videos and do more research I am finding more and more ways I am similar to those on the Autistic spectrum than any neurotypical person, and if I do have some form of Autism it also makes me wonder if this is something anyone else in the Autistic community has experienced.
Look up dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization. It may be a symptom of c-PTSD
Friends are an optional extra though
Nah it’s important to find a social circle even though it’s freaking difficult sometimes.
I'm myself. My silent self.