Normal Narcissism vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder
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- čas přidán 19. 09. 2022
- What is narcissistic personality disorder? What is "normal narcissism"? This video explains the distinct difference between the two. How to tell if someone is a narcissist is covered. There are significant differences between pathological narcissism and the "everyday" self-involvement of many people. The Ultimate Boundary Course: www.awakenjoy.life/boundary
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via CZcams, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
Narcissist, don’t go to therapy everyone around them does.
Or they manipulate their therapist by not being 100% transparent or flat out lying and playing victim.
Nice Tee Shirt to wear! Start printing. 😂
I say they belong @ Burger King: They want it All Their Way…& They. Rule there. 😂
Another sign is truth. Truth is whatever they want it to be, no matter what the evidence to the contrary is. It is maddening!
Fact.
My ex wife revealed one of her own valued statements, to me one day. She said if you tell a lie long enough ,it becomes truth. I just said, no it doesn't.
@@Aussie23456.....mmm but it does and we all belive them while create them.
Believe in your truth or evidence is not harmful and is the main human right in someway
Now...if you start to ignore that right for others and see your truth as absolute or lose the ability to re-value your truths
That feels in the end like a lie,s as You start to feel as if you are...less or even worthless.
Your truth is not needed.. that's too harsh.
Sry for sharing my opinion or hypothesis or truth
Exactly! My husband always calls everyone around him “ a pathological lier” and also keeps repeating to all his family members:” I am the only one in this family who always says the truth!” while everyone knows he tells lies all the time.
Also, they can “dish it out” but they can’t take it… they will insult you all day long, but if you say one word or comment that might be twisted into something offensive, they act like YOU are the worst person on the planet. It’s maddening.
Get out of there. They can't change. They are deeply programmed in childhood. Good luck.
@@rhiannonhill thank you… he left last Saturday, thank God. Now I just have the stress of dealing with divorce and trying to make that go smoothly. Can’t wait for the nightmare to be over.
@@yvonnes7412
The narc will target whatever matters most to you so keep cool.
The most important thing by a long long way is that the narc is gone. (Unless there are dependent children of course).
Yep!
The minute they do that, Walk and Block! I will never ever ever deal with that bullshit ever again!!
I think it’s also important to recognize that victims of narcissistic abuse have been trained to be highly sensitive to tone and other non verbal signals….growing up in my house being able to see what was coming at you via tone of voice, or the way a door was opened or a coffee mug put down, even the way they opened the front door….was a basic survival skill. Tone is also a narcissistic tool used to ‘dog whistle’ to their victim the real message behind their words….especially in public! I am highly attuned to people’s tone but that’s from a lifetime a training and practice in what was very much a survival skill. I would love to be less sensitive to non-verbal triggers, a certain look or tone of voice can signal imminent danger and potential violence and my body reacts accordingly, why wouldn’t it after a lifetime of practice? It frustrates me that there’s this perception out there if you are sensitive to tone you must be a narcissist (thank you for saying that this doesn’t have to be the case, as it can be quite traumatizing to be told that one’s sensitivity to tone of voice and other non-verbal signaling is a signal that you may somehow be narcissistic.
I wonder how many CPTSD sufferers are highly sensitive to tone and other non-verbal signals as they try to navigate the world. That doesn’t make them narcissists (although who knows, maybe some are). The fallacy that being sensitive to tone is a hallmark of a narcissistic personality isn’t helpful as it lumps victims and abusers together, when the only thing they have in common is trauma. I believe strongly that narcissism is actually the hallmark of Childhood trauma. Narcissists are broken people! Some of us didn’t break, we kept our empathy and compassion despite horrific childhoods, but it did leave us with CPTSD as well as very sensitive (and adept) at reading into non-verbal signals.
Both empaths and narcissists are broken but in different ways. Both are codependent , traumatised and have cptsd but to different degrees . One has become the predator and the other the pray
I wanted to say exactly this, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you ❤ I'm a c-PTSD sufferer myself so I know exactly what you mean.
Yes, I think all CPTSD people are sensitive to tone (myself included) and have a general heightened awareness… it can make us a little “jumpy” and if we had narcissistic parents then most likely we have some sort of anxiety (my brother has social anxiety and overcame some agoraphobia, my sister had to overcome panic attacks and general anxiety, and I had to go through treatment for OCD)…
After 20 years of healing, I am still so jumpy that I have to keep my phone on silent because I can’t deal with the fright of the dinging notifications… and I still get a jolt of fear anytime someone comes in the front door…
I’ve done a lot of healing but it’s always something else to work on
When someone calls you (over-)sensitive, do yourself a favor by first wondering why they felt the need to say that in the first place. If they say it frequently, you are probably being manipulated.
So true.
When of the difficulties is when you try to explain to others what’s going on the individual incidents sound so small and petty and it makes you sound over-sensitive or a bit mad.
I like how she’s more balanced and neutral about narcissism. I feel like other famous therapists or doctors on CZcams make people terrified of narcissists and talk about them as if they’re pure evil. And encourage you to leave and never look back, but without making sure that you’re not going around diagnosing everyone with some of these human nature tendencies as “narcissistic”. We need to ask ourselves about people’s “empathy” when they’re talking to us about others. And their entitlement level.
A “normal” person can care for others, be sincerely concerned for another’s well being, safety, health, happiness,etc. A person with a NPD cannot.
CAN NOT.
I grew up with a narcissistic parent. I walked on egg shells and grew up with the idea I was responsible for their emotions. So I used to focus in as if I’m the problem if something occurs with another person. The narcissistic parents love was conditional. So I always questioned if I did something wrong for that person not to call me back for example. I had a fear of loss of relationships and love that existed at a deeper level. I’m not sure if this makes sense to anyone.
Of course it makes sense.. Has Never Ever Been Your fault..especially Never the Child to take their dysfunctional personality but unfortunately the narcissists abuse the children in different ways.."golden child..scapegoat child..lost child"...
The narcissist does everything to put the blame on someone else chosen..they do everything so that person will take the narcissist's feelings shame blame..called 'projections'..when we don't know how they function ..for a child is impossible and also for teenager young adult adult..Learn about Narcissists through a lot of videos on YT with comments..You will understand once for all!! Then you can start to heal from that abuse and avoid it..but for sure..after such abuse knowledge we don't interfer with persons like in the passed..we don't trust easily anymore!
It does make sense. My cousin went through this. His brother was the golden child, he was the one who received the abuse. It created a lifetime of pain and he only just learned in the last couple of years that she is a narcissist. He was on the verge of suicide but thank God for therapy and he went no contact. She is absolutely brutal! My mom is always there for her and we just learned my aunt is spreading a heinous rumor about my dad. She's in her 70s and the nonsense doesn't stop!
I'm stressed out while reading it, cause I can feel it. I was always nervous if someone new had my number...cause he/she could call too late in the evening etc. As a teenager I always had the last word, but nevertheless I always hid if I made a mistake and tried to fix it before my father found it. And my "opinion" costs many tears and terror. And of course I constantly instructed my friends how to behave, so that I don’t have any stress afterwards. I don't have to mention, that I’d rather be at friends' houses and couldn't imagine bringing a guy at home. It was also a hard time for my mom, seeing that her daughter didn't want to be at home, but I never felt safe there and I still don't.
It makes perfect sense fellow survivor ❤️
It makes sense, same here
You make a great point at the beginning of the video: The majority of people who seek therapy are in a relationship with people who have personality disorders, not the people with the disorders themselves.
My sister lives somewhere in cluster B land. She does everything for everyone because everybody except for her is incompetent. She is a victim. No one appreciates her greatness. She dropped out of three different colleges, but each time, it was someone else's fault. She weighs 300 pounds, but other people cause her to be fat. She doesn't need therapy, but everyone else does. Thanks for letting me vent.
Narcissist always say, "Don't take things so personally. You're so sensitive." And you're telling people to not take things so seriously. I feel that you're sugar coating narcissism. Narcissistic abuse is severely damaging. If someone says the things I quoted, I'm getting the hell away from them, never to return.
Great info...but the narcissist lies to manipulate, and gaslights. He doesn't live by truth, but by what he wants others to believe. Integrity and morality are lacking. I appreciate having the explanation you offered too. More clarity is very helpful. Thank you.
Well said. Totally agree.
My husband was nominated to be an elder in our church, everyone thinking he was so caring and helpful. At home he pretty much isolated himself either watching TV in his office or doing some project without inviting anyone to help him. We have sons who could have learned so much from him, but he would rather do things alone. He really did nothing to nurture our family. He once told me that he knew he was not empathetic and that he had to make himself “dig deep to conjure up feelings of caring.” Yet, to everyone outside the walls of our house he was this wonderful person. I could not convince him that maybe he shouldn’t be an elder because if he didn’t really have empathy for people he might not be best suited for the role. I finally met with our church elders and shared my concerns with them. They thanked me for sharing my concerns. Two weeks later, my husband came home from the elder training and said, “I decided to drop out. I realized that it was going to be difficult working with that group of men.” 🙄
Thank you... This assures me that I'm definitely not narcissistic... but it also helps me see that my mother isn't either. For a long while now I've been pretty sure she is... but the way you clearly explain that people who navigate through empathy are not? Seriously helps! Now I can see that my mother is simply a seriously broken woman with too much pride and extremely low self-esteem who sucks at communicating her feelings and connecting with me in a respectful way.... As bad as that sounds? It's a serious improvement to what I've been thinking! Thank you for helping me see more clearly that my mother is indeed human. It was killing me to think otherwise.
16:00 that is the most powerful thing I’ve ever heard, so, the bottom line to knowing if someone is a narcissist:
“do they navigate the world through empathy, or through manipulation?”
I've watched many videos about narcissism but you click with me. I failed to detect any smugness or doctrinaire attitude in your presentation only a sort of maternal caring. I feel better informed and less chastised. If a book titled, "Narcissism for Dummies" was to be written, I would vote for you to author it.😊
I see me! Low self esteem, circular thinking and I HATE when someone doesn't text back! Fix me!😂
Ya the narcissist will never say fix. NEVER. They will step on an ant and blame you. And you weren't even there.
*never say fix me. I meant
Its passive agressive powertripping to ghost and impolite passive agressive to ignore. Especially if a partner .it trauma bonds whereas previously they gave attention
This description of a covert narcissist mother is so accurate, it's as if you lived through my childhood. She thought she appeared near perfect to everyone, the nurturing, selfless hero of our family, the one who gave up herself for everyone else, when in reality it was all about her and her image and praise. She acted like she was treated like a peasant, but it was just because being treated normally just didn't feel like enough for the queen she thought she was. She constantly alienated me from my father (even though he lived in the same house as us) and most of his and her family as well as family friends. Her narrative was that I was a horrible life sucking trouble for her.
My father would hear daily of what a bother I was to her and how I made her day miserable, while usually I hid from her in my room or outside or at anyone's home who would take me. She was a nonstop nag and criticized everything I did convinced me I was worthless yet could not understand why I was not an overachiever and self-confident like her friends or families' children who got their moms attention from everyone because of their achievements. She did everything she could to sabotage me being successful or independent, yet when I did accomplish something, like being the first person to graduate from university in my family, she bragged to everyone for YEARS about how much sacrifice she made when I graduated with a 3.75 GPA in a double major (she made none, financially or emotionally, she actually scoffed at and laughed at my silly my desire to learn and enjoyment from it). I called her on it once because she claimed publicly that she supported me financially through university which was a total lie, she actually used a program to steal from me by claiming my tuition on her taxes and ALL my friends parents gave them their tuition refund back, she kept 2/3rds for herself and lied to my brother and I about splitting it 3 ways between us, even though I paid it all with my own student loan money up front. She said that she had supported me by driving me to the doctor and pharmacy ONCE though the whole 4 years and it was a 5 km drive from her place to mine and to the doctor's office then pharmacy. She justified it by saying it was not just the money or the time, but the "wear and tear" on her car. She actually believes her pathetic logic.
She is a sick, manipulative, evil woman. Yet I still love her, but I have to keep physical and emotional distance from her. She occasionally is a positive part of my life, but usually its just for her performance to others or when she needs me. She is a very angry, lonely person. She has been the ultimate actress, all her life being a chameleon, changing her complete attitude and demeanor depending on who is watching.
She claimed she left my abusive father to save me from him, but she left me in his home with him and when she lived with us, often my father's abuse was provoked by her telling him how difficult and misbehaved I was. She would TRY really hard to get my brother and I to fight, and then she would be mad at us when we took the bait. She was also physically and sexually abusive, but most of all she was extremely and covertly mentally abusive.
Her obession about my faults was my weight. I was shamed from the 8 or earlier about my size and she still holds that over my head. She is just a horrible person, and this video was like listening to my life story. It was helpful, so thank you.
I feel this
@@christiebrkt I hope you, like me, have been able to get some healing and find peace with yourself and your past. I have a really good relationship with my narc Mom now. I have learned how to go and distance myself when I need to and how to ignore her narc behaviour when it tears it’s ugly head. I grey rock or just make myself scarce when I can. A few times I’m my life I was close to no contact with her and felt it was the only way for me. I totally understand and support people who have to, but for me it was not the best choice, but I am happy now. I am a free grown adult who has adjusted in the present to accept myself and for the most part forgiven and left the past behind. Not that I ignore the past, but I nurture my inner child and take responsibility for my mental health. My mom is my captor no more.
" 50 % off people in counceling are damaged from people with " personality disorders" ( cluster b's ) its a dammed shame. Ive being trough alot. And still am. Knowledge is power to defend/ repulse from narcs ect. Im stuck with someone that has ALL the cluster b personality disorders. Drunk on liquer from about 11am onwards everyday. ( " To get her cheek going to scam and manipulate all around her on the phone ect. ) Mix alcohol in and she becomes a full brown phycopath. Trolling everyone ( including dog ) making preemtive false claims to police and family to manipulativly utilize others to act on her total backwards story ( she abuses and assaults and sexually assault others ) then says d victims did that to her. Shed be real nasty saying yeah. Now wait to see what happens you for telling me to stop roaring and shouting fabricated bullshit to bait yu into a argument. When the phone call is made she shakes and crys and pretends she dont wanna say what happened and shes afraid. " Why wont he just say sorry ( 11am till 4am in the morning) as if telling her to fk off and stop talking to me after a day of made up abuse trolling. She hangs up crying like a baby then starts laughing " your fked now, and no matter what i say she sticks to her fabricated story ( to me ) And the flying monkeys come and give me ignorant abuse and i leave. 4am in the morning to god knows where. Evil scum of the earth i recon. On good thing is i now finally know what the helllll is going on. And i like phycology but never knew about cluster bs apart from phycopathy. 3 years case studying this creature ( living in) has opened my blind spots to this subject. My poor ould life now makes sense. And now i see covert narsasists everywhere in my life in commerse and social life. In history. Possitions of power. News Ect ect. I barely survived soooo many dark times and sooo many fkn covert narcs. To hell with them i feel. Coz they making this place like it. A contamination to the good. And to the planet as a whole. Backwards preditors !!
@@amyfinnie4404 I’ve been no contact since the pandemic when, on a visit home from abroad, the psychological abuse nearly killed me.
@@christiebrkt You have to do what is going be best for you. So I know that decision must have been hard, but I am happy you have the courage to take good care of yourself. Every decision, every move with narcissists can be difficult. Keep strong and keep as positive as possible. Don't let a narcissist take away the happiness that you can have. Best wishes for you!
. . . or PTSD in the middle section when it comes to reacting strongly to criticism (especially in public, such as the workplace), accusatory behavior, rudeness, or just plain nastiness.
Agree!
I’ve only met one person who has NPD, well if count his mom two. Sometimes ADHD and NPD appear very similar
When I was married, I got to the point when I realized that my covert narc husband saw himself as the only person that mattered. He acted as if he had no responsibility for anyone but himself. He truly didn't care about me, and he truly did not care about our children.
My father was a covert narc and I can 100% confirm what you’re saying. They just are not capable of empathy and love (in the way we think of them). They only say they “love” when that means complete control and dominion, and if it makes them look good in some way. My father was on the extreme end of the spectrum and is literally dilusional, decades later still believing that he was some sort of a saintly father (when in reality he was extremely verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive). The only reason he never hit us was because he kicked my mom one time when my older siblings were young and she told him she would leave with the kids if he ever touched her or us again. Although he did hit me once when I was a teenager (they cannot stand anyone thinking for themselves), and he got into a fight with my brother (my brother was protecting my sister), so I guess there were some physical altercations…. Please keep him far away from your kids!!! Better for them! Or train them to “grey rock” and protect their souls… I still have issues with resentment towards my mom and family for not protecting us kids from his abuse.
Not good, but might he have been too troubled, sick and weak to have the energy accessible to care foir anyone but himself? We have responsibility firstly for ourselves, and then if that is all he can do, that is much better than not caring for himself and being a care-receiver from society, healthcare etc.Just a view.
@Medietos He had the time to sneak away from parenting obligations and his job to: gamble at a casino 1 1/2 hours away, play 18 holes of golf weekly, day trade in the stock market with borrowed money and queue up his next narcissistic supply. He has the "me first" attitude down to a sick and depraved science.
@@MedietosDon't get married and have kids if you can't care for yourself then.
my god that’s messed up
Wow. I say this with VIGOR!
“Navigating the world with empathy”
That’s the difference.
I bet it is Dr Ramani haha. She is so open-ended she doesn't define anything. I share you with absolutely everyone ;) women, men, on CZcams. Everyone. Because you are the best out there.
Even counsellors because I wrote to the board of my ex partner about her being a covert narcissist. Do you know what baffles me Barbara? They allow narcissists to become therapists and counsellors. How corrupt is that?
Hopefully you would have seen a massive spike since last Xmas. The more people we educated the more people we can protect. Thank you so much for posting these videos. You might know, you might not but these video protect people from serious harm as it nearly destroyed me. Great work. We can cut off their narcissistic supply by making everyone aware so they can finally face their own demons without destroying innocent well-meaning human beings
Y
Thank you. There is no such thing as a “healthy narcissism” any more than there is a healthy diabetes.
It is vital to have a healthy level of blood sugar, but when blood sugar is abnormally high, we talk of diabetes.
It is preferable to adopt the medical terminology that reserves the word narcissism to a disorder that was derived from the pathological behaviour of a personality in Greek mythology.
It is normal and necessary to have a sufficient level of self love in order to establish social relations, but when this self love is an over reaction to a feeling of insecurity and produces a relational dysfunction, we speak of a disorder.
Blood sugar goes down ketones goes up in a very healthy person.
I understand that saying healthy narcissism feels like giving the narcissists a way out. It feels like it takes them off the hook for their maladptive behaviors.
However, It is not unusual for people to have some traits of narcissim, but not enough traits to rise to fit the diagnosis of personality disorder. And, as teenagers, there can be many traits of personality disorders, but most tend to grow out of the majority of traits.
@@lmiller1413 as a physician, I use medical terminology according to medical rules. We have high blood pressure called hypertension and low blood pressure called hypotension. We do not say a person has normal hypertension. We say he has normal blood pressure. The word narcissism is drawn from mythology around a person who has excessive self love and medically refers to a person who has excessive self love.
@@lmiller1413 it is merely a correct use of medical terminology. The mythological person on whom the word narcissism was coined had excessive self love.
@anewlifestirring not really. Narcissism is a mental disorder with particular traits such as lack of ability to see risk well, lack of empathy, and lack of insight into oneself. If I don't have good access to myself I csnnot accept and like myself hence pretending. Read up on narcissus again. Even in the myth it's explained when the true meaning is grasped. He starved. They are lost souls with severe emptiness felt inside and deep feelings of shame. The youtube channel "Heal npd" also gives good insight into the mental illness impairment of this disorder. And I'm saying this as somebody who suffered severely from a narcissistic partner after I got pregnant with his/our child. It helped me to heal by understanding this disorder a bit better. And yes/ yet I separated for protection with no contact.
I was in a long term relationship with a vulnerable narcissist, who acted (literally acted) behaved impeccable in public or at work and around family and in different friends groups. But in private the longer the relationship went on, he was atrocious completely stagnated my progression even after I moved out. I am very sensitive to similarities in conversation. Some Narc people will talk about other people creating discord and animosity between people to try and isolate the person whom they want 100% attention from. Part of the love bombing phase they will agree with everything you say because they in turn want validation. Thank you for the video.
Thank you! Sometimes I have felt that I am an awful person for acting out when I am feeling triggered But this has allowed me to have more empathy for myself.
Are you on the AUD spectrum? Is there a chance you are suffering from PTSD from emotional abuse?
HELP ME 27 years isolated with a psychopathic narcissist with domestic violence. Im terminal. That has made things even worse. I have noone at all that cares. Ive reached out to safe hope, resilience center, salvation army, 7 police reports this year alone.
He quit his job after 25 years while i was in palative care. I lost medical treatment, independence , and now I lay in pain and walk on eggshells. Police wont remove him saying its a civil matter. The o take it to a judge smh I FEEL HOPELESS AND ALONE AND NOW I FEEL I SOUND JUST LIKE HIM. Tears
Hey! I’m not qualified in any medical way, and I don’t live in the US so don’t understand the nuanced legal area here. Having said that, if you feel unsafe it DOES NOT MATTER what some low-level person in a position of authority thinks you should, what matters is what you need to do.
My personal opinion is this: Just get out. If you have the cash, get a hotel room for a couple days, pack what you need, and disappear whilst he’s out of the house. Don’t leave a note, if you leave a note he’ll see that as a weakness of yours and use that to maintain a false emotional relationship. He WILL persuade you to come back and tell you things will be better. This is all a lie.
If you’re in danger then it’s okay not to have a plan any further than a day, the best thing you can do for your sanity is to just accept the fear of the unknown and get away from this person.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re terminal, I really hope you’re as comfortable as possible and I don’t mean to say this insensitively but that will probably help you a lot with getting support, it’s okay to ask for sympathy from people who can help from time to time.
Finally: DO NOT RESPOND TO THEIR ATTEMPTS AT CONTACT. They’re trying to keep you emotionally connected so that they can manipulate you and get you back under control. It’s difficult to disconnect but it’s the only thing you can do.
Disclaimer: I’m currently self-diagnosed NPD, and have had a relationship with somebody with a long-term health issue that I didn’t help them with. All of the above things are things that I did, I’m not proud of it and I know that it’s evil but it’s true, if my ex had done the above steps earlier they would’ve saved themselves a lot of pain that I caused. You got this shit.
@@zachf6508 - How kind of you to reach out to this person!
Try a local women's shelter or even a local church! If you are physically unable to leave, have someone come and stay with you so you will never be alone with him. This may mean rotating people staying with you since one person may not be able to stay with you all the time. Read your bible and pray.
@@zachf6508 How very kind. You don't sound NPD. Too empathic. Maybe BPD? This was excellent advice to this poor soul.
Just because someone is highly empathic it doesn't mean they could have eupd, being empathic is a gift given to certain individuals to help others in pain or trauma because of the narcissistic world we live in...@@jogriffiths5766
20:10 client/friend goes on and on about his client minimal/delayed email response. I have suggested multiple times he has no idea what's going on in that person's job or personal life, Never a pause to think about that. Its all about him.
Yeah, the crazy-making part is when they refuse to have any compassion for that other person, then their frustration about someone else might turn into anger at you for no good reason… everything goes by their mood.
In my experience, people who use narcissistic tactics and are hypersensitive to tone and criticism, when you point out their tactics (like triangulation and gaslighting) might have narcissistic traits. If they react to a tone you used, and reframe the story as if you victimized them when you didn't; and they deny provoking your response, that is kinda narcissistic. Whether it's a tactic they picked up from family, or this is generally how they get their way in life, it's a red flag. Just something I learned along the way.
Agreed! And well put - thanks for sharing as that might be helpful for others!
See, I get confused with some things when people describe this dynamic. I'll give an example of a real life situation: in a certain day when all was normal and well I was asked to do a choir and went to do it no problem, as I'm on my way to do it I was met with the person standing still in the middle of the stair looking down on me, hands on the hips, and the person used a condescending tone to launch two very personal attacks disguised as "regular criticism" but the person knows that both things said are hurtful and things we openly discussed as I'm undergoing therapy to treat those and more. I responded saying "why are you saying hose things? Why are you trying to hurt me?" And that was that. A couple of minutes later as I'm doing the choir the person stops in the doorway looking dead serious at me and using the same tone says " see? If you have done it they way I ORDERED you to do you wouldn't have to ve doing it again" I then once again felt the attack in tone of voice ansld replied now talking louder (but not screaming) "what do you mean by ordered? We don't order each other, we ASK, and nonetheless I just finished doing it"
She replied now also speaking louder doubling down on how I should have done it exactly the way she ORDERED me to do it and that I had a problem. When I responded asking why was she using the condescending tone with me and being arrogant by ordering me around specially after she was rude and aggressive just minutes earlier.
She got mad at me because "the way I speak to her" and after that 3 days of complete and uter silence and stonewalling....
To conclude: was I too sensitive to tone? Was she unnecessarily rude and attacked me in my weak spot out of the blue to hurt me? Was I in the wrong or was manipulated into reacting so that all her actions would be forgotten because I raised my voice in the end? (Mind you I used no offenses, no personal attacks, nothing like that since I try my hardest to never do that to loved ones and beying ADHD made have to always try and be very mindful of my emotions and reactions)
Sorry for the long post, I'm just trying to make sense of it all and after a few of fights like the one I deacribed just now I learned about narcissism, empaths and am trying to analyze what happened. I believe she sometimes retract into narcissistic behaviors as a means of self defense but I have no idea as we are always left questioning ourselves and our own behavior.
Thanks 😊
@BarbaraHeffernan
I would say narcissistic is not static but dynamic in nature something like blood pressure not broken but out of balance.. and in fact I think paranoid and narcissistic are the same sickness but different symptoms
@@altname4742 you weren’t being overly sensitive- that person was likely exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. Hurling personal attacks (especially unwarranted ones), being unwilling to accept any fault, and spiteful stonewalling are all clear indicators
I’m not any PhD . I’ve tried to read everything I can about this topic for the last 30 years. I had difficulties with certain people. I had a couple of therapists who taught me what they could. They would give me research papers and articles from journals to help me out. I understand we should steer clear of the diagnosis, but really, once you see it you can’t unsee it. I’ve met people who are harder to understand at first because they likely had multiple conditions- but if you’ve had extensive dealings with a narcissist it’s something you unfortunately can’t unsee in the general population. I sort of wish I never knew.
This popped up at the exact right time. I really needed to hear this and could really use some therapy right now from someone who understands this. I just left a very narcissistic cult I was born in to and a narcissistic marriage and I feel so vulnerable. The first job I got when I got out I ended up suffering sexual harassment and bullying because I just cannot deal with bad behavior properly. I try to placate and befriend them to calm things down and am still so terribly fearful of any retaliation.
I can totally understand and relate to it. I too have a problem dealing with nasty people...!! You are not alone.
@@vaijayantigulve4883 I’m glad I am not alone. I am trying to learn how to be less fearful. I think fear drives the need to placate an I need to be less fearful of pissing people off
When you consider yourself a concept: pretty, short, or some other surface quality you cannot have a sense of well being. You get in your own way, by making yourself a "thing" instead of a whole living being. You see only objects or parts around you that threaten your self image and then instinctual survival takes over. But since it's about self image rather than the whole being it is actually harmful to you and to others. It depletes you. Then you must use the objects to fill yourself up, or you feel you might die. At least, that has been my experience with individuals who are excessively superficial. It's a kind of death spiral.
I just found you, and I will admit, your channel is one of the BEST on the topic of narcissism and family dynamics. I subscribe to many channels on this subject and you are now at the top along with other skilled professionals 🎉👍🏻🙏
Personality disorders used to be called character disorders.
Sometimes empathy can be drained from a person.
Usually by covert narcissists
Yes! Love these observations.
I think there is a big difference between protecting your soul (“soul-distancing”) which can come out as low empathy, and someone who genuinely has no empathy for others, in general.
Genuine NPD, I have also found as a practitioner myself, does not seek, respect or respond to therapy. The only time I have seen them is when I do couple work and they bring the hapless partner along 'to be fixed'. I was raised by a clinical narcissist and once had a relationship with one. Both fit the DSM diagnostic. This has given me what I like to refer to as "NarcDar."
This describes my mother in law exactly! I knew pretty quickly when I met my husband that his mom was a narcissist I grew up with one and can see it a mile away
Less than 10% of the world are narcissists so it’s always strange to hear of people who have multiple narcissists in their family or life. Perhaps the word is just being thrown around at someone you don’t like?
Certain people attract and are more attracted to them and that is why some people that are codependent, BPD or other mental health problems can be targeted.
I think narcissism is
under-diagnosed .
@@nonosfavoritesI feel it's become a cash click cow fur all the influencer psychohisys out there. It's a never ending click bait.
@@jenineharris4282and I think it's waaaay overdone. We cant really call all theeanies in life narcisists. But all the content psychologists are making a killing.
I needed to hear this. I know my mom was NPD and my dad recognized it early in my life. People wondered why I was always with my dad when he came home from work and to places to pick up whatever tools, parts, etc. he needed to work on a project. He told me years later, he didn't want me to be like my mother. She was controlling, even when I got married. She told me once that she would love to afford a house big enough to house her, my sisters, their families and mine! I know it was so she could have her nose in our business. At her funeral, people would say; "she was such a nice lady, always concerned about people, etc." Of course, they didn't know what went on when they were not there. I sat at the grave site laughing inwardly, because they did not know her as well as they thought. Unfortunately, I do have some issues...the need for approval. I tried hard growing up to do things well so I could get her approval and be proud of me. Unfortunately, she never told me she was proud of me. Because of this, she grew to resent or (jealous) of me as I was more knowledgeable than she. Even my stepfather said there was no way to make her happy. I'm working on myself so I don't need to get approval or acknowledgement for the things I do.
Exactly. Narcissists will put you down to make themselves feel better about themselves, and praise you to others because that increases the esteem others hold them in. The only consistent thing about what they do is to paint themselves in a favourable light.
I have been to marital counseling in the past. It usually starts with me on the couch sometimes for a few sessions. Then the couch is offered to my spouse. It's always turned out at that time my spouse stands up and walks out. She never has been willing to be under the microscope like she expects from me.
You are lucky... Narcissists will often use the opportunity to garner favour with the therapist and blame you for all the problems in the relationship.
I think one of the keys with covert narcissists is that they skillfully disguise how self- involved they are. Also, they select certain individuals who are high-value to them and treat them well, while abusing those closer to home.
I literally was raised to think a narcissist was just a vain person, 4 years after divorce and a year of straight mental abuse using my kids and hurting them in the process pushed me into trauma therapy.. I now understand that this man is mentally ill, alcohol made it so much worse..
We have 3 weeks until trial now and I’ve lost my attorney because him being a cop and his way of carrying himself to the public no one really believes me.. but I have the proof of what and who he is and it’s not good for the kids. They’re drowning in life and they’re so young!
Narcissistic abuse recovery program is wonderfully helpful. Wishing you healing and joy.
I went to a LSCW for years who never identified the very many textbook characteristics my husband had that I shared with her. She never directed me to an article, book or video. When I was going through the discard, I finally looked at this term which I refused to prior to that since I thought it was overused. Everything started to make sense from the very beginning and the many red flags I ignored and dismissed as just arrogance which I even thought of as confidence. I was going to therapy to get help communicating with this guy which is impossible with a narcissist and that should’ve been her first clue. I’ve gotten more help and strategies in the last eight months from CZcams and Instagram in addition to working with coaches and doing the inner work which will be ongoing.
I knew a guy who pretended to be in some different state of consciousness, while he went into someone's room and took their wallet, but got caught. He said he didn't remember a thing, and I'm pretty sure those are the lengths narcissists will go to avoid taking responsibility. There was no indication that he was in a different state of consciousness.
This could be a very different interpretation you see. In narcissism when “not remembering” as a habit is reported and it’s NPD what you’re dealing with is real. There’s a dissociative and amnesiac state that happens in NPD. This is confabulation.
Thank you so I much for the differentiation! I’ve been called narcissist/ic and found it so scary to hear; mostly because I had not felt heard for a long while: I have been diagnosed with ASD, with cPTSD, and it can come across wrong, when people don’t listen/care about my intent or recognize I have empathy!
Thank you for sharing. So sorry that people mistake your ASD for narcissism - I imagine that happens frequently for people with ASD - it is so misunderstood. This is probably worth another video at some point... Wishing you the best!
I hear you. I'm in the same position.
@@BarbaraHeffernanI would love to see this video
What is Asd?
@@nelclark3000 Autism
Thank you! I really enjoyed your balanced perspective on narcissism.
So pleased it resonated!
My ex pulled into the discussions his sister, so he'd be right, and she almost always said yes to anything he said. Very maddening!
All you have to say once you've had enough is the following... " You don't control me or anything about me." Once they hear that threat it really changes the dynamics. They tend to run away as you are done with their bullshit. Insecure little liars is all they are inside. I hate narcissistic people but now I know early on how to target them.... and then I make their life hell. Payback and karma is tough pill to swallow.
Great insights here. I'm looking for work rn and I'm afraid I'm sliding into narcissism. Unfortunately, this fear is so great that I'm socially withdrawing. After watching this video, I know to excuse myself when empathy is low, and my primary mode of interaction has deteriorated into manipulation. Thank you Barbara.
Victims become less empathetic due to exhaustion. I'm also socially withdrawn and after years of isolation I feel less inclined to engage in social interactions.
I don't think is narcissism, it is the effects of the abuse.
@@Lyrielonwind thank you Lyrie
I don't think that if you were really narcistic, you would be aware of it. Sounds like you may have ptsd from dealing with a narc .
You are very brave to address these concerns about yourself ..not something a narc would do.
Please be careful with yourself in accepting the speech of CZcamsrs as truth. She doesn't know and say all, I miss depth and health facts, and she doesn't sound to have empathy for those NPDs etc, nor deep knowledge. I generally miss good descriptions of the differences in NPD, C-PTSD, Aspergers, HSP, svere chronic real Burnout, in all of whoich one can be very low and drained in life-energy, organ functions, and therefore lack in social strength, interest, habitude and ability. Study the 7 chakras and their changes after worsened traumas, repeated, unprocessed and unhealed or unhelped and unrelenting hardships, mistreatment etc. This is what priests mean when they warn against "letting sore become sin".
@@pebblebrookbooks4852
No sweat 😅. I'm sure you just need rest and time for yourself and slowly exposing to interacting with others. People can be triggering, especially in large groups or being with them for too long when you have stayed in a toxic relationship for too long. It drains you. Take your time and take care.
Thank you so much, one of the BEST videos on narcissism I've heard - like you, I think manupulation should be added as a major factor. Like that person who asked the question, I believe I heard the same videos from the other expert and found myself wondering about my sensitivity to tone, to criticism (I am open to it but hide my sadness). was narcissism, but I do not have manipulative behavior, go out of my way to try and think of others feelings and do not critique or control, put others in a down position, etc. I chalk mine up to the other things many people experience: ADHD, Rejection Sensitivity, HSP, Depression, Anxiety & CPSTD and most of all, having critical family, teachers, (narcissistic surroundings.)
Yeah I also have a hard time keeping myself from getting defensive with criticism, unless the person does it in a very nice, constructive way, but then it still might bother me for a while… this is because of the extreme verbal abuse from my narcissistic father… just a gut reaction that’s hard to pull away from… but I am always trying to improve myself, I don’t manipulate or put others down, or any of that crap… sensitivity is a natural part of surviving trauma…❤ … and I’m also very sensitive to tone! Good points
Barbra, thank you very much for your balance view on narcissism. I believe that now days the words narcissism and gaslighting are constantly used. It’s gotten to the point that the accusations are used so often that when these narcissistic behaviors are extremely no one seems to pay attention.
I agree - that may be why I wanted to make this series of videos! Important to recognize how damaging this is, but also be careful not to call everyone you don't like a narcissist!! thanks for letting me know you appreciated it!
@@BarbaraHeffernanThank you for navigating the spectrum. We all can exhibit these traits at some degree; how we respond to criticism is key. Just because someone paints you with a broad brush as a narcissist , and does not also include the spectral range, they themselves are not very empathetic.
@@HarryBarker-yp1xv HI Harry! ♥
_"A Barking Dog May Just Be the Savior of the World."_
cc. 2012
Important distinction that normal people can display some of these characteristics for various reasons. That’s why people get sucked into narcissistic relationships, because they give the benefit of the doubt. Giving the benefit of the doubt is good for a healthy relationship, but unfortunately, bad for us when narcissists get ahold of us…
Yes, totally agree.
Yes that’s spot on. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for over 10 years. And same thing with what she was telling me, I’d do a percentage of truth or lying, like - there’s a 5% chance she’s telling me the truth. I was trapped in that thought pattern.
Thank you, very helpful. Interesting point about boundaries… I have a personal boundary for myself that I will not stoop down to the abusive behavior of my partner… he can yell and insult, but I’m going to do everything in my power not to go there… it is hard to maintain that boundary sometimes but I’ve gotten lots of practice 🤦♀️…
I have expressed my external boundaries that I will not tolerate yelling, insults, or cursing at me, but he never respects those boundaries and I can’t help that…
I still am not sure if he’s narcissistic or there’s some other issues at play. People are complicated…
Most videos like this tend to always describe lists of attributes. It would be extremely helpful to give concrete examples within context to exemplify these terms .thx.
One thing I have noticed in relationship that seems sneaky is that she will have some sort of health ailment or problem, and expect me to bend over backwards to acknowledge it. Then, when I’m not pumping her up enough, I am accused for not having empathy, and for being mean and uncaring.
When I bring up that this feels like guilt, manipulation, scolding, or shaming I’m told that all that’s in my mind, I’m imagining it, and I just don’t have empathy.
I thought I was being compassionate by trying to be nice all the time but now I realize a startling thing that the person who is accusing me of not having empathy is really the one without empathy and the empathy I have is used against me to make me feel guilty, or shamed or mean, and the list goes on.
Then, at visits to a counselor, things, like emotional baiting and induced conversation, are used to make her appear calm and nice, and me appear to be uncaring and mean and critical. It’s such a set up that I did not see for a long time.
Everything you said is true. Excellent clip 👏
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
Just discovered your channel. This so resonated with me.
You've shed more light in my deep-dive research on this subject.
Thank you. Keep up the great work(s.)
Ok, thank you. I was questioning if I have NPD. But I think about others constantly the way you described for the second type. I think I’m just experiencing narcissistic damage.
I really appreciate the visuals!! Clarified some things for me.
Excellent video and explanation of narcissistic disorder.
A tremendous clarifying video on the subject. Thanks.
You are welcome and thank you for letting me this resonated . I appreciate it!
You such a clear and concise presenter, thank you
By far the most useful video on this topic I have seen.
Thank you for clarifying this.
You're very welcome!
One od the best basic videos on the topic - brawo!!!
You have truly changed my life. Grateful ❤
Outstanding Discussion, Thank You!✨
Very helpful. Subscribed
I appreciated your real people understanding of narcissistic behaviors that can and are part of healthy lives
Excellently broken down and explained....thank you 👏👍
You're welcome!
These insights are so important. Considering the term narcissistic personality is used so loosely these days . Thank you for this.
Boundaries for me, by me. Please talk more about that. Many thanks for what you have said.
Thanks for this wise and compassionate video
You’re very good with your explanatory skills. Thankyou
Thank you , that was very helpful and very well explained.
I like the way she describes this stuff without overcomplicating it. It's easy to get bogged down with technical jargon. She has done a good job highlighting the tendency for some people to misdiagnose other people they don't like with NPD. Well done. .
Helpful, cheers. 👍
First off. I love your hair style and color. Thank-you for today’s talk explaining the subtle differences between normal narcissistic behavior and narcissistic personality disorder. I strive to feel my feelings and emotions and do the work of erasing and healing past trauma and then recognize the ways I should behave. But let me tell you I’ve had to bite my tongue sometimes and learn from each emotion and look for shadows of my manifestation in each way to not manipulate others. I try to get through not being manipulated by the drama. Don’t feed the shark. Edited by me for spelling errors 😊
Thank you !!! Your video was very helpful
Thank you for this video. People who have never lived with a Cluster B Narc/Borderline find it hard to understand what we go through. This video highlights the differences very well that I could use this to explain to others what I went through.
Thank u! Ur explanation is so clear and relieving! The self interrogation of narcissism has tormented me for two years!
Very insightful. Thank you so much❤
thank you, i appreciate this lesson.
You helped me a lot ,thank u for your lovely informative channel🌷💕
I'm so glad! Thank you for letting me know! :)
What saved me? Stoicism. You can only influence yourself; others carry their own burdens. Become self-sufficient and mental health is yours.
My issue with criticism in my present and past relationships is not getting any positive feedback. 😢
Thank you so much for your information. This was very helpful to understand if my husband is narcissistic.
I appreciate having this explanation. It has enlightened me on behaviors , and the reasoning behind how someone with NPD might think. It's something I became curious about because of behaviors , actions and words, someone I know uses. I have felt confused until finding this video.
Very well explained. Seems to me that narcissistic parents produce either narc kids or those with low self esteem, still needing validation but high in empathy. My mother's cognitive empathy, I've challenged but it was pointless. The only person she is thinking about is herself, she just hid it very well!
So many times the truth has been twisted to make it look like I somehow am crazy…
Such a helpful video, thank u :)
You are welcome! And thanks for letting me know!😀
Clear, concise and easy to understand. Thank you. In my writing endeavors I am seeking methods simple ways to convey who the character is, their desires and fears. I am working on a “Bond villain” who is a narcissist. Your explanations are so wonderful and direct. I’m a host and moderator of a live role playing game. It has matured in so many ways as I have. Your work is beneficial because in so many ways has given me more insight in what we do for fun and in team building. Because of my role I influence my teammates on personal level in their real lives more so than the fantasy encounters we create in our games. I think I am going to take my writing and improvisation skills to a new level. Thank you again Barbara.
How wonderful to hear this! We all learn a lot through play and role-playing… I hadn’t realized my videos would be used in this context, but that is great! We also learn a huge amount through stories. Keep up your work- such a great aspiration!
Ich habe Sie gerade entdeckt🙏🙏, lebe in Deutschland. Sie reden so langsam und klar, ich verstehe Sie dadurch viel besser. Vielen Dank ! 🙏💯🌳💚
I don't know, I have a lot of self involvement, an introvert, I'd really call it self validation where most people rely more on external validation. I basically don't care what other people think, nor bother myself with keeping up trends, or concerned with popularity, etc. Its really a self support system developed from childhood neglect, least favorite child, etc. Have self confidence, high self esteem, also empathetic, I don't think I'm better than anyone else, and well aware of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities but again don't care, everyone has them. So I always wondered if I was a narcissist, I'd say yes there's some levels of narcissism. I don't know, I think we're all different in what makes us tick.
Yes, and I would say your personality might play into this. For example INTJ personalities tend not to care about following “status quo” or keeping up with the Joneses. … just a thought…
@@yvonnes7412 Yep, personality type play a huge role. There's two things we're born hardwired with, our personality and IQ. Then are shaped by our upbringing and experiences. We're like hardware and software basically. A more extroverted person that had similar childhood neglect and least favorite might turn out with low self confidence and low self esteem. I'm a definite INTJ, having taken that test a few times that's the consistent result. Its all very interesting, I could spend hours just pondering stuff.
Thank you. It is really crazy to realize all of this only after.
Wow. Thank you. Finally all the information I feverishly gleaned from multitude of colorful videos published currently on this subject…finally it has clicked...lightbulbs galore.
Finally. 🤣🤣❤️
And you may have just solved my inner lifelong and pervasive anxiety when you equated low levels of confidence with self-involvement….
I’ll let ya know. 😂
You are saving my life with these videos. Thank you.
Would love chapter breaks to jump to sections. But your contact is great!
Thanks for your feedback! I often do add chapters - I’ll go back and look at this one. Haven’t done it on my much older videos either because it is relatively new , but not sure why I missed this one! Glad you are enjoying the material!
subscribed. I have yet to see a video showing the spectrum. This is very real from what I see.
So pleased this resonated. Thank you for letting me know!
This was really great
You’re very knowledgeable and professional. I found myself being very preoccupied with the overuse of the word, “right” at the end of almost every sentence. Sorry, small criticism but it stood out.
He takes accountability sometimes which was confusing to me. After your explanation, I can see how he uses this to elevate himself instead of the marriage. The confusing part is I gain hope in his willingness participate in marriage growth… but then the gaslighting, manipulation, and denial of events points me here.
Something which has little basis but was reported among some survivors of narcissistic relationships, me included, is that the particular narcissist is never particularly good with giving presents. They either withhold or scrimp on presents, or simply give bad presents. In the worst case scenario, they refuse to give and expect to be given presents. That would have been nothing if not for the fact that in my case, the narcissist actually said to me, one week after, "I gave it away to another female friend." I was like, what's the motive of being so blase as if they have a right to recycle our presents like garbage? They could have simply declined to accept but they never did so.
Hit this one on the nail! It’s like they can’t see your essence so they can’t comprehend what kind of gift you would like. And they just don’t care about your feelings for anything you give to them because they feel so entitled.
Or, they overcompensate and give a mountain of random, unwanted or impractical things. And if you call them out for just throwing anything at you, or *attaching massive strings to their generous gifts* , or just outright burdening you while doing *themselves* a favor with their gift, you're "ungrateful for my generosity!"
As someone who is noticing these poor traits in myself (low self esteem from who knows what in my past and a big disconnect to my emotions mixed with low emotional intelligence) how does one go about getting better, improving, hard pills to swallow, ways to put the work in? Because the moment I get stuck in my own head to try and make changes I regress to fast and nothing changes and im tired of not being mentally healthy.