5 things men SAY and what they ACTUALLY mean....is this true men?!?!?
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- čas přidán 27. 02. 2024
- Hey guys! as always, I hope you enjoy today's episode. Today I get into some common sayings I hear from men. Let's decode some of these common sayings but let's not forget that very clear communication is always the best route when trying to understand your loved ones!
Does toxic masculinity exist? And how do you define it?? I first learned about toxic masculinity from a popular male podcaster. An example is when men that cry are shamed and told to “man up”…it’s toxic beliefs that actually hurt men. Agree or disagree? This might be another topic for a video…
I think it doesn't exist. It's simply men being men. We don't really share feelings, especially negative ones, to anyone much less a woman who, yes, will throw it back at us at some point or lose respect for us over it. That should be called toxic feminity if such would exist, which I don't believe is so. I think it's simply men being men and women being women. The overwhelmingly vast majority of men and women have stereotypical gender specific thoughts and behaviors. It is what it is and attempting to change it kills attraction (in both) and undeines the balance of the pairing dynamic.
I don't believe that toxic masculinity exists... it is a term made up by feminists. What I do believe exists is toxic humanity... men and women can be toxic in any relationship
nothing "toxic" about it, that term was twisted around by radical feminists. men are suppose to be the Gibraltar of any relation ship. suppose to be the strong one that holds it all up. i can go on and on. the kind of people that twisted that term, are the ones causing the downfall of Disney, think about that one.
Nope. It doesn't exist. There are just toxic people. A lot of female behavior could be called toxic femininity otherwise.
No.
Short answer.
Longer answer: this B.S "Toxic masculinity" myth was invented by 4th wave feminism and WOKE leftists..
There's all sorts of bad advice given to both men and women alike throughout the ages like: real men don't cry, or women are better at raising children.
And on and on.
This B.S bad advice which anyone with any common sense would know is just repeated recycled garbage, gets twisted in this myth of "toxic masculinity."
Everyone knows, if you are a human being (not a psychopath) you have feelings, and it's completely acceptable for anyone to cry.
Furthermore, there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being masculine, doing masculine things, embracing their own manhood; likewise there is absolutely nothing wrong with women embracing their own femininity and doing feminine things.
I absolutely hate this language, this term "toxic masculinity" is only meant and intended to emasculate and be condescending to men.
Bad behaviour by either sex should be called out for what it is..
That is human nature, to do wrong, which we deal with diplomatically; not by throwing around B.S terms and pretending imaginary things are happening..
Thanks for reading this. 😎
Point 1: a man is "fine" cuz toxic femininity taught us no one gaf and we don't want our weaknesses to be weaponized.
2: it's not that we think about nothing, we thing about silly things that make sense only to us.
As a man I am fine no matter what, because if I am not then I am weak and that means a burden to society.
Society crumbles when men start giving a flying frog about our feelings.
Relating to point 2, i spent an hour thinking about how i could 3d print the nasal injector i used to inhale migraine medicine…. I don’t have a 3d printer, or any experience with CAD, or medical devices
Relating point 2: is like an inside joke but super exclusive XD like not even our inner circle would understand the silly thing we thought XD
You got me figured out, but I'm pretty sure my wife knows too.
I don’t know that I literally think of nothing. It’s more like I’m thinking of something that would seem trivial. For example, tracing in my head the path taken by the edges of the shelves that are in view, or reviewing my memory of a car number plate that I saw earlier and comparing it with some lettering on a cereal packet, or creating geographic shapes from the relative positions of the group of light bulbs on the ceiling, noticing that one of them is a warmer colour, and then adjusting the shapes and drawing interconnect lines that takes that into account. I don’t want to tell someone that, as it seems like it would sound I was bored. In reality, my mind is wandering at least in part because I’m comfortable and relaxed in their presence - it’s actually a good thing!
That said, sometimes I literally can’t articulate what I’m thinking because the flow of thought is too tenuous and abstract.
Here's a little insight on #2. I was staring out the kitchen window one day when my girlfriend asked "What are you thinking?" I was suddenly cognizant of my own thoughts and realized that, at the moment she asked, I was pondering the etymology of the world "robot" and I scrolled my brain back to how my train of thought ended up there. There was a squirrel raiding my birdfeeders and I was trying to figure out a way to keep the squirrels away and thought it would be cool to build some sort of robot that would be armed with various anti-rodent weaponry to keep my feeders safe. Then the word "robot" itself seemed like it sounded a little strange and I wondered how someone decided that a mechanical device built to perform some specific job should be called "robot." It seemed like a strange thing to have to explain to her and that the explanation would take a lot more time than it was worth, so I just said, "Nothing." So, in response to #2, when a woman asks a man what they're thinking and the man says, "Nothing," what he's really thinking is how the word "robot" came into the English language.
Or something along those lines of "whatever it is, is some kind of weird thing that is going to sound crazy and/or confusing" for sure. That's a heck of a good example.
I also often respond that way when thinking of things they have no interest in (and I KNOW they have no interest in from prior experiences talking about it with them). Easier to just not talk about it and move on than explain I'm just contemplating stuff they hate and don't want to talk about anyway.
I have so many events like this. I never want to talk about them, because most of them are too difficult for me to explain, and not worth the effort. My brain just functions that way. Robots and all. I like to daydream, and most of the things I think about are things that only I am interested in.
Robot was first introduced in the 1920 science fiction play "R.U.R." by Karel Capek. It's derived from the Czech word robota, meaning forced labor. Explain that to your girlfriend.
When you come up with a solution for keeping squirrels out of the bird feeder let me know.
God I love etymology almost as much as I love thinking about the Roman empire
37 y/o male here, the “I’m fine” you hit right on the head of the nail. When I tried being emotional with my girl, she always used it against me down the road or immediately. Then, she complained I wasn’t being emotionally available. It is always a lose-lose scenario.
And now you’re crying online. You’re the typical “man” now. Sad and embarrassing.
@skevipers I'm a 47 yr old now single male because " I'm Fine " I've built a wall around my heart now.
@@Damien_D1977 yeah so who cares 😂
@@Damien_D1977 stop crying online for strangers to laugh at 😂 you’re old and alone. That’s all. Move along and accept it. It’ll never change.
@@ernestvernon9658 you're gonna wind up single and alone with that attitude man, what a horrible rotten thing to say to someone, it'll come back and bite you one day eventually.
TRANSLATING MAN-TALK
“I’m fine” = I’m fine.
“Nothing” = Nothing.
“No worries” = No worries.
“I’ll figure it out” = I’ll figure it out.
Exactly my feelings about it too.
It all meant the same. What she spoke about was the context of the meaning.
I'll do it. = I'll do it when it suits me. 😅
I'd say it's more like....
“I’m fine” = You're the problem, so leave me the f*ck alone.
“Nothing” = You don't really care, and you'll use it against me anyway.
“No worries” = See "Nothing"
“I’ll figure it out” = You would just make it worse, so I’ll figure it out on my own.
I’m fine generally means I’m anywhere from fine to awful but not showing it…the rest checks out for me
5a) "I'll figure it out" means "I, myself, not your dad, not a book you throw at me, not your 'support network', will figure it out."
As a wise man quoted: "Okay, plan B!" "What is plan B?" "I have not figured out by now!"
Preach
I used to tell my wife, "I'll take care of it" and then she'd crawl up my ass for the plan I wasn't sharing...
I'll add to that...........I'll figure it out means, I don't want to waste thought on illogical remedies from you !!! I'll just go straight to the one that works.
And sometimes (said in frustration)... it means I'm sick of the bs and it's easier to go / do it alone
Don't let the haters get to you. I am impressed that there is even one western woman trying to understand men, but that you do it so well is a bonus!
There are plenty of us who watch her channel because we have a very similar mindset! There's still hope! 🙏🏼
I am also a "Western" woman who does her best to be the best for her man. It's the only way.
Check up Sarah Dawn Moore and Dadvacate and Courtney. Great women..
@@whitechicacooks5780there aren’t very many like you in the dating scene
@@peterelliott4922 I'm sorry! Every good man deserves a good woman who will appreciate & value the gift she has in him! 🙏🏼
Every time I’ve been vulnerable, it has always blown up in my face.
Yep, ladies if you're gonna ask me to be vulnerable you better handle it well or you won't get vulnerable from me ever again.
@@TheBlbeemerThe best 'assistance' I received from a female helped me build up scar tissue.
Sounds remarkably similar to me
Maybe you’re expressing your vulnerability in a weird way? I’ve never experienced that in my single days and not in my married days. But I had actually great quality girls I dated - no bombshells until my wife, but they weren’t ugly or anything. All of them were fine with me expressing an occasional vulnerability, but just like with girls, if she or I presented vulnerabilities on the daily, nobody wants to be around that
that's unfortunate. If i wasn't vulnerable and expressed how I really felt about my girl now that was going to be leaving soon then we might not be together still. It actually brought us much closer and i'm glad i did. if a girl is upset about that then they clearly aren't worth your time.
"I'm fine" can mean "I may be feeling down, but I do not place much significance in transitory and volatile emotions which are not going to affect my life, and I have no interest in being psychoanalyzed about them or digging into them, even if I myself understood them well enough for that effort to be fruitful, so can we please just accept that a bit of emotional noise doesn't mean that I am anything other than baseline normal?"
You don't sound fine. Is it something I said?
Or it could actually mean "Everything is good".
When asked how I'm doing, I used to almost always respond "Adequate". That would usually mean things aren't' quite wonderful but there are no particularly pressing problems I need to deal with. The guys at work used to get such a kick out of that.
My favorite quote by Seneca is, "When you worry, you suffer twice."
According to the internet...
Men might say they're thinking of nothing but, it could actually be something like '...should I mask off and repaint that paint overspill on the wall over there'....but, we think that would be too boring to impart.
Also, she might say "Yes, you need to do that but do it this way"
Yes. Men think about lots of stuff that are trivially important to anyone but themselves. Men generally don't impart this information, because it is too boring to talk about. But if you say something like that to a woman, you get the third degree about what it is. Then you tell them what it was, and they want to know why you didn't want to tell them.
"Diet Dr. Pepper really DOES taste more like the real thing..."
or too weird we think odd scenarios@@BalokLives
@@Greenwood4727 Definitely agree. Some of the things that go on my mind are not for public consumption. "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I'd be talking!"
On the "Nothing" thing, there are three options. It's by far most likely to be the second one.
1) We've spaced out completely, and were genuinely thinking about nothing
2) We've gone off on a mental tangent about something inane and irrelevant, that we don't think is worth discussing. (Example: Why are they called 'Bayonet' lightbulb fittings, when they're not that sharp, or attached to the end?)
3) We are trying to figure out how/whether to do something, and aren't at the stage where sharing it is going to be productive (Ex: Do I need to replace the brakes on my road bike soon?)
2) because the way they connect to the fixture is the same design as old bayonets. And yes, I too have pondered this. Also, the mental tangent can be long and cover a lot of ground in a few minutes, so when someone asks, "What are you thinking?" well gees it's hard for me to remember the chain of logic, much easier to say "Nothing."
that's a good breakdown
Wait until you are my age. #1 will dominate and even if you were in the middle of #2 or #3, by the time you start to speak, you won't remember and so it is really just a form of #1
This is exactly it, and usually we are thinking about something technical or something that we believe she probably doesn't care about anyways, so trying to explain it just takes too much time.
#3 Pretty much nails it. If the thought process isn't completed, it can't be talked about until it's a finished product.
You are right on the mark. What frosts me is the "I'll figure it out" thing when she decides to let me figure it out, and then she has a "better" idea. The "better" idea is always hers. Why bother me with a problem when you already have the correct solution. It goes along with this: "Her: What do you want for dinner? Anything choose is fine, as long as I don't have to make the decision. Me: Steak? Her: not tonight. Me: Seafood, Italian, Mexican? Her: No. How about Asian? Me: OK." Why ask me? It wasn't really my decision in the first place.
Yes, the fun guessing game where you tell me you want me to choose but really what you want is for me to correctly guess the thing you already chose.
Re point 1: Men know that the second we show any emotions or vulnerability, the woman will dump us like a hot potato and move on to her backup guy that she _always_ has waiting as an orbiter.
Re point 2: When men say they are thinking of nothing, it's because we our minds are just wandering aimlessly over several random things of utter triviality that we know, if we were to try and articulate them to a woman, we would just get ridiculed about, or she would go out of her way to start an argument about. So saying "nothing" just keeps the *peace* and it is *peace* that all men want more than pretty much anything else in a relationship.
"Peace"... and *respect* .
edited for formatting
"Im fine" = i dont want to talk to you and not be validated. Then have my feelings and emotions minimized and walked on, so you can later use it againsnt me to get your way.
Seems you know my wife!?
Fifty-eight Mike's concur with this nonchalant "I'm fine" response.
BOOM. Nailed it.
@@macdieter23558 We know (almost) everyone's wife.
When I say "I'm fine" or words to that effect, I mean that I am sufficiently functioning to handle the task or conversation at hand.
nope .. you need to talk, you need to go to therapy, you need to open up about your deepest emotion .... im being sarcastic
Wonderfully put Jay! 👍
I do just think there is the woman definition of being genuine fine (no problems, happy and content). Men (not over my head in problems I may not be able to solve). It's a bit like the difference between laying in a soft bed for woman, or on a concrete slap for men... Hey, at least are we relaxing.
@@TryMe749 That is what I call swallowing everything until you throw up. Cannot do it anymore. When the basement is full and the attic is on fire it is too late.
So easy. When asked "what are you thinkng about? Always answer some variation of"what a great wife/cook/lover/person you are" or 'how muchn I love you", 'how lucky I am to have you" etc. She will either love it, or get so bored by it that she stops asking.
Or, she'll think she's got you whipped, lose attraction now that she's the one with all the power in the relationship, and go find someone more challenging to cheat on you with. - Not a joke.
A lot of these have changed over the years, since we've learned new (painful at times) lessons. It also differs based on the severity/depth of the relationship (dating vs girlfriend vs wife)
1. We're fine because no one cares if we're not. Besides, we've been shown that showing weakness to a woman you want to keep around leads her to behavior detrimental to the relationship (cheating, scorn, emotional abuse, etc). Stoicism is The Way, as a result. 99% of the time, it's due to reason #2 you mentioned. The quickest way to have a woman completely lose attraction for you is to be vulnerable (regardless what women *_say,_* their actions say this)
2. Nothing, because you wouldn't get or understand whatever random thoughts we're grappling with at any given moment. Explaining it to you (with context included) would take too long.
3. "Nothing" and "Chillin'" are synonyms in this instance and you're right on this one.
4. Your explanation may be a bit too...sanitized (which is understandable). In truth, it means he now knows where he fits in your list of priorities (read: not very highly). Do this a few times and you lose that man (if he's a man of value. Some men will just hang on indefinitely). He's probably not going to tell you you lost him. You'll just notice you'll hear from him a lot less often (if at all).
5. Spot on!
As a man, I find that most women don't seem to hear what we are saying but start to assume the worst or don't care about what we mean that's when the questions arise one after another until she hears what she wants to hear.
Because women project.
Everything she’s accusing you of, she’s guilty of
@@ShaunHensley Yes, Shaun. I've found that too. I was puzzled because she accused me of doing things I'd never think of doing because they're beneath me. But I found out they're not beneath her. Now I see those accusations as a big tell....but I'm long divorced so it's academic
They listen to respond, not to understand.
1. Women set the rules of relationships. They can't handle vulnerability of their man because it makes them "look weak" in her eyes. Some women take advantage of it when things get toxic. Many other people will too. Men are selected by their ability to tough things out and be impervious BY WOMEN for centuries. Can't complain about the arrangement now.
2. I know this is a meme recently but it's NOT TRUE. Men, again, are providers and protectors and some/many are constantly thinking about how to improve, playing out scenarios in their mind, planning what they'd do in some situation, etc. When wife asks "what'cha thinkin'" you don't lay out the details or go into some long narrative that would unnerve her so you say "nothing". I GUARANTEE when a man is in public watching exits, planning for different horrible scenarios, etc he will just say "nothing".
Yup
#2 This is especially true for those of use that have deployed. We're not hyper vigilant, just cognizant of our environment.
@@Absaalookemensch Thank you for your service. Never served myself but grew up with an Army officer dad and cop for an uncle. I was taught to always have an out and be observant of those that look out of place. Don't trust anyone.
@@RR-bh8vdMy wife was also in the military, so we see eye to eye. 44 years happily married and she's cancer free now.
I did 740 days deployed. I'm retired from my second career, so she's got me full time now.
Absolutely. Always looking for how to keep your woman safe in all situations.
About 'No worries...'.
In my case it means 'I forgive you' or 'I'm not going to hold it against you.'
What I have learned is my wife will take what ever I say in the worst way possible so it is better not to say anything. This makes it hard for me to share with her what I am feeling or thinking.
Building on #1, it’s important to emphasize the point that a man saying “I’m fine” doesn’t automatically mean he’s not fine. Often times when a man says he’s fine, he is actually fine.
and if he's not fine, it's usually something he doesn't feel the need to bother her with.
Yes exactly, and like ken said, usually it's something that really just isn't worth explaining.
Or you’ll be fine and not like anyone gives a damn if I am or not.
Re 3 I, as a man, have learned that "nothing important" is the best answer. Meaning "Sure, I have things I can do, but if you've got a better idea..."
My ex got super annoyed when I always answered 'Working' Like she wasn't calling me during banking hours. I guess I'm supposed to be On Call for her. Ghosted.
Totally agree I would usually respond with "Nothing important, just watching TV" or "Nothing Important, just thinking I need to change the oil in my car."
@@rolandhansen812 and she’ll say “Oh, well don’t let me disturb you.” and hang up. 🙄
@@skepticalfaith5201 Perfect, then I can go back to what I wanted to do in the first place.
Unfortunately, that doesn't happen.
When someone asks what I'm doing I never respond "nothing". I might say "nothing special" and usually continue with what I am actually doing. I'll always say what I am actually doing. "Just chilling", "watching TV". "watching a movie on DVD", "eating/making dinner", "watching youtube videos" etc.
Another great video! Being a 48 year old guy, this is 100% correct! I didn't realize women didn't know this stuff. I am so glad you explained this. So many arguments are just from a communication error from having a man brain or woman brain and interpreting information differently.
Too many women weaponize your vulnerability. So I am always fine.
I really don’t get these statements on here. Where do you guys find these lame-ass girls?
The “I’m fine” read is pretty good.
However if you read that he is upset - I don’t recommend pushing. Back off for a while. Men often “go into the emotional cave” to think about what happened or how they feel. I do NOT recommend going into the cave after them. It will not end well emotionally for either of you. Give him a little time and check at the cave entrance every once in a while to try and coax him out with affection and see if he wants to come out and talk about it. He will eventually overthink it through and probably be willing to have a conversation at that time. If it goes too long (like days), you may need to put on your emotional body armor and gently/carefully go in after him. (Be ready to back out slowly if he’s offended.) He may be mad that you’re in his space but he will appreciate it at another level.
It’s hard to judge when the right time is to go in, but if he’s in his cave for a long time, he’s probably really hurting and needs help to get out.
Not advice, just personal experience…
@Te_le_gr-am_me_YT_EmilyWking Perhaps. Not sure how to do that. Difficult these days to be sure whom you are speaking to.
True on all 5 points! Sometimes you wish you could take the freedom to be vulnerable, but it always backfires.
I love this young lady. Intelligence, wisdom and beauty. The guy who put the ring her finger hit the jackpot!
You your pretty spot on with those.
I’d add if a guy asks a girl what she wants to do or where she wants to get dinner it’s not because he doesn’t have a plan of where to go or where he wants to go it’s because he wants to know what she wants to do.
This annoys me a lot when I ask what do you want and a girl answers whatever then get upset with my choice. Like I am literally asking you for feed back.
Actually most of time a guy asks a girl something he is asking the exact information he wants to know.
It's like when my wife asks what I want for supper, I tell her what I want and she makes a stink eye face. One would think after 60 years married I would say "whatever you want". Some of us are just slow that way.😅😅😊
Like my wife: She asks me where I wanna go eat out. When I tell her, she belittles each suggestion I make, but then gets angry when I point that out!
When I (a man) say that I don't care about dinner options or what movie to watch or anything like that, it means "I don't want want to choose, and therefore I waive my right to complain about whatever you pick."
The expectation: Women expect men to be mind readers. Men think "plain and simple" Women think "subtle and emotional"
I get that a lot when asked to play some music. Ha. Certainly not Beethoven. Some music turns quickly into "Not that shit!". Quite an effort to get Ms Fussy to pinpoint what exactly she wants to hear. Usually the same again as yesterday. Our musical tastes don't overlap: l have 1000s of hours of music I'd like to hear that she adamantly won't. Headphones essential for me.
Married Guy here, Lets see how you did.
Statement 1: Fact check, True.
Statement 2: Fact Check, True.
Statement 3: Fact Check True, IM IMPRESSED with u on this one, LOL. Thought u might get it wrong.
Statement 4: Fact Check, True.
Statement 5: Fact Check, True
.......LMAO stop reading my mind!!!!! Great video. How much do i need to Venmo you for this video to show up as a recommendation to my wife? 🤣
I'm an older guy. I was a teenager in the 70's and 80's. Back then, where I'm from anyway, we were taught to be the rock. To be strong. To "figure it out" on our own. We could ask our pop, gramps, or a buddy for help or advice but that's it. Emotions were ok but regulated. We didn't trouble others, especially our women with our problems. My old man, who's in his 80s now, taught me to handle anything the world could throw at me without feeling sorry for myself. In fact, he taught me to be grateful for however much or little I had. I've been to war many times now. I never shared that with my wife or children (except the funny stories) because I don't want them to have any idea what I've seen/done. Most of the guys from my generation and from near where I grew up are like that. I'm not a special case. We were just taught mental toughness back then. My wife and I have been married for over 3 decades. She knows when she asks what I'm thinking and I say "nothing," I really am thinking nothing. My wife, on the other hand, is ALWAYS thinking something. My wife and children know that whether they are talking to me on the phone or in person, NOTHING I could be doing is more important than them. My wife and daughters would rather see me die than fall off that "white horse." Men take charge. Men solve problems. Men protect and provide. It's genetic. Some people might call that toxic masculinity. I call it being a man. It's what my father is, and his father before him, and it's what I've taught my boys. We aren't so good at showing emotion (my boys are better at it than me) but we show we care in the things we do. Is that "Toxic?" Maybe, ask a soy boy "beta male."
If asked what I am thinking, I always just tell them even if it is something odd, boring, off topic, or random. They will either find it interesting and it leads to a positive outcome or they learn that I think about "alot" of randomness throughout the day and stop asking.
Accurate! I've said "no worries" more times than I care to admit.
Her second item is spot on correct. Most of the time most men aren't thinking of anything. But a lot of women don't understand that. Unless there's a concrete task to do, or some serious planning is going to be necessary in order to actually DO something, a man's brain will go into a kind of idleing state.
for me its a defrag mode re organising thinks so i work better
You really hit the nail on the head. Point 1: "I'm Fine" - I don;t really think it is a toxic masculinity thing, it is 100% because every time, in every relationship, the moment you say what you are really feeling (and yes, ladies, we have deep feelings and emotions), that has consistently been utilised as a failing / weakness / nuclear weapon to destroy in any argument that ever comes up. That vulnerability is used as a weapon every. single. time. and if that canon keeps firing that vulnerability in an argument, it destroys us, breaks us down, makes us question our own self worth and there is no coming back from it.
I absolutely despise the term "toxic masculinity". It's just a way of saying that men are defective women.
Dead on as always. I will mention however, since you brought it up…”I’ll figure it out,”means “I have acquired the experience and skills necessary to form a workable solution and implement that solution.” If she had anything to do with that thing he’s fixing, I.e. its a tool, or appliance, or device of some sort that she uses everyday, or something that was misused, or HER vehicle that’s being fixed, she ought to be there by his side ready to find a tool and save him the extra trip, answer or mute his ringing phone, bring him a water, literally add a third hand to hold something while both of his hands are already occupied, bring him a snack if she’s feeling a little peckish, to pay attention and witness his skillful art and brilliant mind first hand, like a fair maiden at the joust, or in any other way that supports his success in this venture to make her happy.
We get sick of trying to figure things out though when it's something they already know and won't tell us though or are hiding.
#2 I took my wife to Venice and we took a short gondola ride, we were cuddled up together and she said "what are you thinking?" so I told her. I was wondering how they would build a coffer dam to allow them to pump out the water so they could repair the buildings, also, I wonder what they do with all the sewage? Do they just dump it into the canals? Please ladies, never ever ask a man what they are thinking, because I guarantee it will surprise you, and not in a good way!!
That's when you lie and say something like "I was just thinking of how romantic this is and what a nice vacation we've had together" (how deep are those canals anyway? and did you know they have to limit cruise ships from docking there because the wake from them was really damaging the pilings?)
I would often be thinking similar things. Men often think in terms of engineering designs and potential solutions to problems
It was my ex-wife's little entertainment button to ask "what are you thinking?" Because I'd either blurt it out or ask, "do you really want to know?" She learned that if I asked that question in response, she'd better be prepared to hear something gross, disgusting, or otherwise offputting in some other way. Even then, it could be entertaining to her to find out the mental paths I was following to get to where I was at that time.
@x3532 Nononono. Ask her bluntly, or maybe as sweetly and lovingly and caringly as you can (without being hesitant or wishy washy), "Do you want the romantic lie or what I was actually pondering/thinking?" And if she asks for what you were actually thinking, give it to her in the fully unvarnished, raw truth. She'll learn :D
ETA: "Why did you tell me that??" Well, you asked... :D
Yes, indeed. We’re thinking about the engineering aspects. Like I love Broadway, but while my wife at the time would like the wardrobes and the dancing… I really liked the intricate set details and set changes. Thinking about how they made it happen.
Point 1 : Totally, everytime I told my feelings to a woman, it always turned out against me, either in the next few minutes or in the next few days. Even if the reason I'm not ok has absolutely nothing to do with her. So, from now on I'll always be fine.
I think you are helping a lot of men know how to love who they are. I appreciate that you speak to both men and women about understanding each other, so we know how to support each other better.
I wholeheartedly agree with your list Emily.
Disclaimer; I am off the market, I am no longer crawling through a bed of thorns to find that one rare woman.
As for point #4....
I would say 'no worries' if she cancels for a valid reason. If she cancels a second time I will become less available. If she cancels a third time that's when the 3 strike rule is invoked.
Let's talk about "thinking about nothing ". I live in a very rural area out in the boondocks. My house is a stone's throw from a river. One of my favorite activities on summer nights is to just sit outside on my porch and "listen to the river ". I'm usually sipping some bourbon and/or smoking a cigar when I do this.
One night several summers ago, my wife decided to join me on the porch. After a long silence, she asked me, "So, what do you think?"
I said, "Nothing. I'm just sitting here listening to the river, the crickets and the frogs ".
She said, "Oh, okay ".
Five minutes later, my wife asks me, "So, what are you thinking?"
To which I again reply, "Nothing, I'm just sitting here listening to the river, the crickets and the frogs ".
My wife said, "Okay, cool".
Five minutes later, my wife says, "Soooo, what are you thinking?😂😂😂
LOL LOL LOL ROFLMBO 😂😂😂😊😊😊
You're source is as spot on as your understanding and presentation. Please don't stop what you're doing. 👍
1: Men *MUST* be "fine" at all times. Otherwise we will have our weaknesses weaponized against us.
2: Sometimes we are thinking about nothing. Sometimes the explanation would take more time than we have, and would be boring.
3: True.
4: No worries, means no worries.
5: We don't want appreciation for figuring anything out. We just like to figure things out. On our own.
Yup, 100% correct. "I'm fine" for men is the equivalent of "It's fine" for women. Most men are conditioned to understating and minimizing how strongly we feel about something, particularly in close personal relationships, because being too enthusiastic just makes us seem needy or out of control. l
As a man with adhd, there has never been a time when I have been able to think about nothing. Usually if I say that I am thinking about nothing, it means that I am thinking about something that I think will bring a negative response if I share it with you.
Preach it! Thanks for your work.
Been married 26 years and have sent a number of your videos to my wife as we work on our communications. Very thoughtful of you to do this work.
"No worries" = My feelings are hurt or I am pissed, but if I come at you with this, then these negative emotions will be associated with me. So I rather act neutral or indifferent in that moment and then react positively, when the date works out next time, so that those positive emotions will be associated with me instead.
"I'm fine" is more nuanced than you know. Last time was yesterday. No worries, I'm fine. It could mean that we don't want to burden others. It also means we are between determining if something needs to happen to we have a plan that we are about to implement and we are not willing to discuss or let be known. But you are correct in assuming we are not fine. Tone is important. Lastly, sometimes we are just fine. Good luck with this one.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex..
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
You are spot-on with all 5 points. It's truly refreshing to witness a woman immersing herself not just in understanding how men operate, but also empathizing with us. I commend this remarkable young lady for dedicating her time to empower and support other women in mastering these insights.
you are sooo wrong on this. Her perspective is from a woman's perspective and I give her credit for trying. But she was far from "spot on" on all points.
sorry but i have to disagree with you on this point@@billcape9405
You pretty much hit the nail on the head young lady. About #1, I'm fine. Now he may be just fine, but even if he's not he will never let anyone know. Not even his best friend. He will keep in internally, and work through it on his own. He will never, and I mean never, put his problems on anyone else. That just the way a real man operates.
Please do not say the words "toxic masculinity" again.
Why?
What you focus on expands. Masculinity is not toxic any more than femininity is. People can be toxic but masculinity by itself is not.
So sick of hearing that phrase , it's a 3rd wave feminist bullshit term to put men down and make them subservient
Using the insane people vocabulary, validates them
Ugh. You guys are equating masculinity=toxic vs toxic masculinity
Great channel, Emily. Love your work.
Here's my take for what it's worth:
1) "I'm fine" means, "yes, I have a problem. Leave me be so I can solve the problem. If I tell you the problem, I'll then have to help you deal with your feelings about the problem, before I can get back to solving the problem."
2) & 3) Vitually the same answers. "Nothing" means that what I'm thinking or doing may be of lower priority than what you have to say, need, or would like to do. So spill it, and I'll work with or around it.
4) No worries means "I see. Good to know." Your actions towards us show us where we fall into your list of priorities. If we're left on read for 3 days because you were getting a manicure when we text you, we're not a priority.
5) "I'll take care of it" translates to "I've given you the opportunity several times in the past to give your opinion or be involved, but it consistently turns out to be more difficult when you're involved than if I just took care of it myself."
On the topic of "toxic masculinity". Most of the behavior I see that might be labeled with this term comes from feminist women desperately trying to prove they can be men.
I was raised in a family of five girls so I grew up just imagining that men are these unbreakably strong people that don’t feel much emotion. After ten years with my husband I still have to resist the urge to tell him to “man up” if he’s feeling weak or emotional or anxious. I’m getting better at it but really understanding men has been a long process.
This is absolutely spot on. Great video Emily.
Spot on! I work all day looking forward to my “nothing time.” I can’t wait to get home and spend 20-30 minutes in my nothing box.
When I say I'm not doing anything it doesn't mean literal nothing but "nothing important enough that I'd hesitate to drop it for you".
hitting the nail on the head yet again.......thanks for everything you do emily
"I'm fine" usually means "leave me alone and stop asking"
Along those lines:
"I don't know why you are asking when you don't actually care"
"I've told you before, but you clearly don't care about me"
"If I tell you, you will see me as weak and leave me"
"I'm """""clearly over reacting"""""" to your behaviour..... which is communicating to me that you want to be single"
"I can't be bothered to explain it to you"
"I haven't learnt to communicate properly"
"Even if I communicate properly, you have been trained to not care"
Relating to
point 2: Sometimes we think about very important stuff with a lot of responsibility and hard work to be done to get things going. And we don´t want to bother and stress our woman, because we have to handle the difficulties alone and solve them alone, too. We know, it would stress our woman, what would stress us and the task will be even harder to solve, because we hav to reasure the woman 100 times, that we will get it solved, so we kepp it secret to us (and maybe our best friends) till we have solved the problem! And maybe we tell our woman afterwards, that the problem they mostly never saw comeing has been solved, IF we know that she will appreciate it, witch does not happen by far not every time.
poiint 4: There is often a big difference between men and women, a lot of men don´t play the "guilt-game" but far to often the women do. Makes life rather miserable for men.
It feels so Good to here a women Discribe a sweet, sensitive, and venerable Man.
I am impressed that you are so understanding about men. Keep it up. Most women buy into the feminist fertilizer that men are bad and that the women are just almost always right. Thank you for defending us. We are trying to keep our women happy and we hope that they will be appreciative of our efforts.
"No worries" = "I´m giving it a chance now for you to make up for it"
Exactly, she is setting herself up to disqualify herself.
I wish i knew women like you know us men! You are so accurate on how we think! Like i've said before! Your man is so lucky to have you!
I appreciate all the videos I've seen of yours. If I had discovered these years ago sooner (depending), they would have made some sort of difference in my life. Continue making these and good luck on the future of your family, you're one of the handful that gets it.
I am, so glad that I've found your videos. You're the first woman that authentically has an understanding of men. What you say and how you explain things about men are very true, and that you are helping other women to understand us better, I am extremely grateful for. I've experienced a lot of what you talk about. I'm a 64 year old man, and I find that you are a breath of fresh air to me. Thank you so much Emily for your time and efforts in researching everything that you have, just to put these videos together. Thank you, thank you thank you again. Keep up the great work and continue to be as honest as you have been. I've learned some things about women that I wasn't even aware of. Unfortunately it's too late for me to know these things, as I've already made my decision to not look for another American woman to be with. But, I'm not worried about this anymore. I'm looking for women in the Philippines or Thailand, where I know that they would appreciate me for who I am and that they would value me as the good person I am. Maybe you can make a video about why more men are going overseas to find a less problematic relationship.
Everything you've said in this video is true about me as well. I appreciate you very much. ❤
As usual, Emily, you have nailed it. Thank you. Sometimes as a prelude (post-lude?) to "I'll figure it out" a man will stand silently and stare at the thing to be fixed. I do that. Sometimes I'm thinking about possible fix methods, but sometimes I'm waiting for the lightening bolt that reveals all. Any interruption kills this process. So standing and staring is NOT something to ask about. The silence and staring will end when it is damn good and ready.
Yes ma'am. You pretty much nailed it. Thank you for what you're doing. I can't tell you how much it means to hear a smart,caring, and all around beautiful woman say the things u say. Please keep up the great job 😊
Your the best ! Thank You for sticking up for all the Good men that get blamed n trashed for all the bad things they get blamed for ! And how hard it is for men these days to find a women who thinks like this ? It's just refreshing to hear what you say about men instead of the stigma we've been labeled with!
You're right, just don't blame everything on "toxic masculinity." You need to adjust your lighting! It's putting weird shadows around your eyes. Maybe a ring light for fill.
Great video I would support this becoming a series.
Definitely a series of these are needed.
1. Absolutely True!
2. True
3. True~-Sometimes I’ll say, “Nothing Important,” or just “What’s up?” and mean this.
4. Yes, or “It’s OK.” without further explanation, means the same thing.
5. So very much yes!
Excellent job, @emilywking !
Rest assured, it wasn't "toxic masculinity" - or, indeed, any kind of masculinity - that taught me not to share my emotions. It was my narcissistic sisters, particularly the violent one
it seems a lot of the "toxic masculinity" is caused by toxic feminity
in the last piece you've mentioned you did hit the nail right on, because I did expience this mechanism with my partner , whilst she wanted to know exactly how in advance how i would tackle the problem , and as i could not, i receives no appreciation afterwards. she simply could not give that, not for any reason, but she was not able to give appreciation or validation.
You are 100% accurate on everything you said, thank you for understanding men. Finally a woman understands men and our way of thinking.
These are absolutely true, to a point I had to wait for 24 hours before watching it because I knew that these would hit me really hard since I'm going through lots of stuffs now.
Bang on.. really well said…, we don’t need to share everything
About #5; experience has taught me that discussing solutions with my wife (for example) tend to get bogged down by the fact that she can't visualise the solution, or that because she can't conceive of doing something, that it will be too hard or take too long. It's much easier to say that I'll think of something and then just do it, than to spend hours justifying the solution, which can sometimes take longer than doing it anyway. However that is not say that sometimes a discussion isn't warranted as women's problem-solving seems also to include the 'solution' of coming to terms with whatever is the original problem, so that it ceases to *be* a problem and that means I don't have to *do* anything. 😁
Older guy here. Accurate for the most part. Truthfully, most guys are reluctant to share their feelings later in life because they were ridiculed previously.
Emily you have the BEST SMILE , and once again it's nice to have a woman who understands men and can explain that to other women keep up the great work , Mark
One point of difference. In my experience men will share with close male friends that things medically, work, or mentally aren't going well. They are more open with male friends because stating an issue doesn't turn into a small group discussion with three part harmony about your issue. Women don't seem to take any problem in passing and insist about beating it to death.
Emily, Let me start with a whole hearted thank you for your content. You took the time to figure this us out. You are a breath of fresh air
If I have to be faking being fine with someone, we can't be close; but if I actually am fine, I will choose other words because fine is always used when I'm not fine. I got into an argument with my first gf about #2 and eventually learned to say something else instead like, "just enjoying the moment." Any moment I don't have to be thinking about anything is going to be enjoyable, particularly if it's because she takes my mind off of other things.
I've literally used all 5 of these. But, last year I went through a lot of stressful events and ended up getting very depressed. I used the first two sayings quite often and now my wife wants a divorce all because I didn't want to talk about the crap all the time. This was my second try at marriage there won't be another because I'm burnt out I am through with trying to please a woman. My dog and I are happy by ourselves.
Good video!
1: I'm older (55) and I think a lot of the 'stay quiet and don't talk about it' feelings for a lot of men are more from ingrained societal pressures instead of the toxic masculinity bell cow. We were raised with the boys don't cry and stay strong and don't break attitudes not because of toxic anything so much as it was what society expected. Relationships helped ingrain that behavior for us too. My last relationship ended four years ago in part because after twelve years I was little more than furniture around the house to her. She'd ask me why I looked so unhappy, and when I told her an honest answer (because she was my girlfriend so I would be honest with her) she'd diminish whatever issues I was having and tell me what REAL suffering was like by comparing it to something that had happened in her life. And I'd find myself thinking "I told you that I'm struggling to breathe and breathing is painful and you trumped that with the story of how you had to deal with drunk and belligerent girls at the bar you worked at in college?" Men don't matter. Sad fact of modern life. They have become to a large segment of the population the way Mrs. White thought of them. "Men should be like Kleenex: Strong, soft, and disposable."
2: Yeah, it's really the same thing for men. We're always thinking of SOMETHING, but it's usually some random BS thought that wandered into our heads and isn't worth talking about. "Who would I rather have as point guard for my all-time NBA team?" "Is it possible to calculate the answer to how much wood a woodchuck could chuck, or am I mistaking woodchucks for beavers?" or, the one I find myself doing three or four times a year, "How many days have I been alive now and should I actually COUNT the day I was born since I was born minutes before midnight so I was barely present in that day?" Brains are a slot machine of random thinking during times with nothing to focus on.
3. Yeah, "Nothing" really is a guy saying "Whatever I may have going on right now, you're more important to me so I'm here for you." If there's something major happening, he'll let you know, but otherwise he just is thinking that you're his priority.
4. Basically true. We're disappointed but we like to think that the woman was looking forward to spending time with us just as much as we were looking forward to spending time with them. And we also understand that sh!t happens, cos that's life. We may be sad that we have to wait to see the person we're wanting to spend time with, but it's generally not something we're going to get upset about.
Caveat: If it happens more and more frequently, and on shorter and shorter notice, then it'll start to be a problem. No person, guy or girl, likes feeling like maybe they've become the person who will be a decent fallback if someone better doesn't come along. Cue Elvis singing Suspicious Minds here I guess. 😛
5. Also pretty much true. Now, once we have a good solution or two in mind we may come back and see if our significant other wants to hear about it or discuss the options and how to do what may be done. This is especially true if our significant other has any knowledge and/or experience that might help refine our ideas. My most recent ex was very much her father's daughter, so she had worked on cars and done home repairs, helped with construction, etc. with her dad her whole life. So even when I was tasked with a "honeydew list" I'd always come back to her for approval or ideas or my project plan before I started the task. Made things easier and helped keep peace. Not long term, obviously, as after a dozen years she got rid of me, but for a while it was golden.
She knocks this out of the park! A very accurate description of Male communication. I saw myself in each example
The nothing thing isn’t really nothing in my experience. It’s usually “I am processing my emotions like a mature adult / I am figuring out how to solve a problem / a thousand things at once / you wouldn’t understand / you wouldn’t approve and I’d rather not have to deal with being judged / it’s personal or private”. Do not imagine bad things. Just allow him his moment of space. You want us to be emotionally mature and be the problem solvers so just let us do that.
The ability to think about nothing is a blessing.
Out of all of em, you nailed it on the "no worries" one
I get asked at work if I'm ok by one of my co-workers once in a while on the job site. Usually after I come up for air after a min or 2 underwater. My answer is always the same...do i have a choice?
If i say no worries then it simply means I'm not spending any more time or thought on an issue, conversation, or you.
Considering the many facets to a mans thoughts; and aside from the silly label of " Toxic Masculinity", which I don't imagine you made up yourself; I think you're spot on with your analysis! Now back to the "Toxic Masculinity" label; it seems to add a negative conitation to what is actually just a component of masculinity itself in many cases; and such labels simplify the deprh of what makes each of us, who we are. Thank you for your thoughts on these matters. It allows the ladies to know us just a little bit better; and encourages us to take a closer look at ourselves. God Bless.
Wow! Your understanding of human feelings and thinking is outstanding. Thank you for teaching all of us how to communicate with each other.
The using things you’ve told them against you thing is sadly very true. Makes you feel like why would you ever give them any ammunition to use against you?
I’d rather go to therapy
pretty spot on in this video. when a guy says "are you sure" he is giving you a way, because he doesn't think it's a good idea.
Excellent and accurate vid Emily :) One Caveat: If he has PTSD his mind unfortunately never relaxes. It can make him snappy and overprotective too cuz he’s always worried about threats.
Damn, Emily! You nailed all five perfectly.
Point 1, nailed it 100% imo.
Point 2, is probably correct roughly 2/3 of the time. ESPECIALLY if we've recently fallen into our "nothing box" and are suddenly jolted back to this plane of reality. However, there's also the occasional situation where I'm thinking of something completely non sequitor to what's going on around me in the moment, and I feel like it would take more effort to explain the weird brain tangent than it's ultimately worth.
Point 3, also very 100% true, though I'll also add that if your man is an introvert like me, sometimes (often) we actually ARE, very INTENTIONALLY, doing nothing. Like, "I'm doing nothing" is literally my version of a "social event," where I re-charge my batteries. I have it marked off on the calendar. My evening's booked hon, it's my nothing time. Literally. HOWEVER, we'll still say "nothing" very casually if you call us during this, because of the reasons you laid out in this video.
Point 4, right on the money. It doesn't feel fair to feel upset if there's a valid reason, but I'm still upset, so it's just like... alright, no worries. I'll figure it out.
Point 5, yea, 100%. "I'll figure it out" is our go-to code for when we really mean "I got this. I don't know HOW I've got this yet, but trust me: I've GOT this. Let me cook, here."