10 Characteristics Of Highly Toxic Parents
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- čas přidán 11. 06. 2024
- Do you suspect your parents to be toxic? The effect of this lifetime of toxic parenting is an adult who continues to suffer from an unhealthy perspective of love and relationships. The first 100 people to download Endel at bit.ly/3yZQi6J will get a free week of audio experiences! Sponsorship like Endel allows us to create more free and accessible content for everyone.
We also made a video on the things toxic things parents should NEVER say to their kids: • 8 Toxic Things Parents...
DISCLAIMER: This video is for educational purposes only. This video is not a substitute for professional diagnosis, advice, or guidance. This video is not made to attack anyone who may display these signs, but rather to understand them and bring more awareness to the topic!
Writer: Max Gustavo
Script Editor: Vanessa Tao
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
VO: Amanda Silvera
Animator: Chantal Van Rensburg
CZcams Manager: Cindy Cheong
0:00 Introduction
0:45 THEY ARE HYPERCRITICAL
1:22 THEY DON'T ALLOW YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUE FEELINGS
3:01 THEY COMPETE
3:40 THEY DON'T SEE THEIR CHILDREN AS INDIVIDUALS
4:20 THEY CONTROL THEIR CHILDREN USING GUILT AND MONEY
5:02 THEY ALWAYS PUT THEIR FEELINGS FIRST
5:34 THEY DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION AND PRAISE
6:06 THEY WITHOLD LOVE AS A FORM OF PUNISHMENT
6:48 THEY GIVE NO APOLOGIES AND TAKE NO BLAME
7:32 THEY IGNORE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Do you suspect your parents to be toxic? How do you think parents become toxic in the first place? The first 100 people to download Endel at bit.ly/3yZQi6J will get a free week of audio experiences!
They also had toxic parents.
By having toxic parents
They had toxic parents or they didn't had parents or even they didn't had a right figure to look up as a father or a mother
Parents become toxic by experiencing Trauma and neglect (from toxic parents and the world).
my parents got married too young, my mom was 16 and my dad was I think about 17 or 18. apartheid south africa was rough back then. and my mom's parents got married when they were both 29 in 1950s, they were born in 1932...i could be off by a few years.
It's funny how parents think we have depression because of technology when technology makes us feel better and in our own little world
Fr
If you could only have one, which will you choose? 2 fantastic wonderful parents or technology?
@@Asad-zeetwo5241 parents
@@Asad-zeetwo5241 if i had wonderful parents id go with them, but i dont so technology
Shut up, all your comments are just you feeling sorry for yourself
My parents literally checked every single item in this list. It's amazing how much damage toxic parents can do to us. I'm over 40 years old, have had no contact with my parents for nearly 20 years and am STILL recovering from the PTSD caused by being raised by them. Thank goodness I was able to find a good therapist. I hope anyone who has gone through this can find healing through therapy as it's helped me more than I ever could have imagined.
I'm sorry to hear about that! Hope you recover swell!
I am exactly By what you feel and Also I need to Stay away from them because I am 11 years Suffering by the Bad Parenting and Also I need to Heal My self from PTSD and This Depression Never ends While I'm on this home That's Why I need to part my ways to them For me to heal my broken Soul and it takes time For Me to heal just Like you that's why I Understand every aspects of you, I feel you and Also I want to Heal my inner soul not just my mental health but also my broken Personality. I am 20 years Old and my condition gets Worse.
Sending you strength and healing.
Same
My parents also hit all 10. Realizing that I also need therapy for deep healing.
1. Hypercritical
2. They don’t allow you to express your true feelings
3. They compete with you
4. They don’t see their children as individuals
5. They control their children using guilt and money
6. They always put their feelings first
7. They demand your attention and praise
8. They withhold love as a form of punishment
9. They give no apologies and take no blame
10. They ignore healthy boundaries
So what can we do if we talk about past experinces of life
Y'all getting loved? 💀
My parents were this way with me
Yep, that's mommy and daddy dearest.
1. check
2. check
3. check? yeah thet always say: im this o i did this
4. Hard to tell
5. yes
6. yes
7. check
8. weird one
9. They never apologize unless its a situation "worth" of apology
10. they dont respect any boundries
expressing why you are angry = disrespecting your parents
After a massive abuse and disrespect
The stigma of “parents did their best” has got to end and we start acknowledging abuse for what it is. Child abuse. People like this do not deserve children, nor do they provide any value to the greater good of the world. I understand that these people often had abusive childhoods, but excusing it to allow the cycle of abuse to continue (which so often happens) is beyond irrational.
I get sick of hearing that overused adage. If adult children end up cutting all ties with their families to save their overall wellbeing, then maybe "doing their best" isn't good enough.
People approach "child abuse" as if it is somehow a lesser crime. The behaviour is criminal and no less serious because it is in the family / happens at home :-/ I just say "abuse" because somehow otherwise people just disregard it "children are resilient" no, children suffer because they don't know what normal is and there is stigma to talking about it. Then it comes out later in life and is a HUGE problem :-(
I cut ties with my abusive conservative religious parents a long time ago and have never been happier. We recently started taking again after my father had a stroke and recovered. I only speak to them once in a while and keep it brief. They are now of course fanatical Trump cultists
@@AugieRockero Oh my god. Now THAT is a sign of mental illness-worshipping at the feet of treasonous lyin con. Thou shalt not worship false Gods-guess they missed the memo? I am so sorry. These last few years have revealed people’s true colors and it is shocking. Stay mentally healthy. Sending you prayers, the inclusive universal love kind:)❤️
@@MaryDunford it's like they are all working from a manual!! When you're in it it's confounding. once you start to see it, it's SO OBVIOUS and easy to avoid.
“Quit being overdramatic” “act your age and be mature” I was told this when I cried. And that 2nd one hit so hard it made me want to cry.
And don’t get me started on number 5
And number 10, ow
They say those things. Yet make you into a little infant and not you teach you things to depend on them. 🥺
T f, just yersteday i was told i should act my age i was also told i am a nobody and nothing without her, haha what a life
for me it was always "What's wrong with you!?" whenever she did anything to make me upset, as if I had just had an outburst out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.
10/10.
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." One of my mother's favourites.
I used this because i heard it so much growing up. My husband stopped me and I realized why. I no longer use this phrase
My dad uses this one a lot
That’s my dad’s favorite
Yeah.. she always says that or means that !! No matter whether it was a breakdown or something she won't feel sad or ask what happened she'll just walk towards me to fucking slap me in order to shut me down instead of worrying and loving me ..!! I hate herrrr!!! Same for my dad and sister they're horrible
"U mentally harass me" often for my mom to say
even though it ain't a big deal
My mother is incredibly toxic. I haven't talked to her in nearly 12 years now, after she tried to guilt trip me on her grandchild inspection visit. She retold one of my most painful memories as a child as having "spanked his little bottom", when she had actually dragged me out of school, took me down an empty road and beat on me with a spatula until it broke, then complained about government interference when thw school had a home inspection done. She sent me an email when she found out I had cancer, that started out nice enough, but quickly tirned back into blaming me for everything that went wrong in her life. Ive just kept it no contact, seems like a safe way to deal with it.
Jesus, never speak to that witch again.
While I wasn’t physically harmed by my mine she manipulated and emotionally abused me at every turn.
I’m glad you were able to build up the courage to break with this person. A clean break is the only way to heal from the abuse of someone like that.
Pffff if your not a naughty son, then your mother is terribly toxic❤
Dont worry We feel you, keep going brother❤
I am so sorry! As someone who sadly still has to deal with my own parents and sadly also arguments and physical abuse, I entirely understand the wish to cut contact- please don't feel guilty about it at all- you deserve rest and relaxation from all of those events, I'm hoping once I'm old enough to move out- collage being my main goal, not to graduate and get a degree- but to just have an excuse to move away- I'll take my younger brother along with me-
With some professional help of course- but I'm glad you've cut contact with them... again, super sorry about all of that- and I hope you're having a good day/night!
@@d.d1599
No, I've been there what ur experiencing.
Don't attempt to ran from house and live somewhere, you might end up as street kid. The best thing you can do is ISOLATE yourself from your parents, I mean find a place in your house that they dont see you. Do not talk to them, talk only when they call you. Trust me, my mother yells everyday, so I isolated myself, then we rarely have argument😂. Now I have finished my college. You know little kiddo, life is hard, but help yourself. You have your owne guide WHICH IS YOU👈
When you have an argument w/ them. The best thing you can do to make them realize their too mean and too much is to NOT TALK BACK WHEN THEY YELL. just say, mom dad IM TIRED, I'll go to my room. It takes time and patience brother. You got this okay?
@@Zzz-.-369 Thank you- and I have been trying to keep myself calm around them, but I don't talk back to begin with... guess I should just try to keep going.
Also- thanks for the kind words, good luck to you for whatever the future brings man...
1. they are hypercritical 0:45
2. they don't allow you to express your true feelings 1:22
3. they compete with you 3:01
4. they don't see their children as individuals 3:40
5. they control their children using guilt and money 4:20
6. they always put their feelings first 5:01
7. they demand your attention and praise 5:34
8. they withold love as a form of punishment 6:06
9. they give no apologies and take no blame 6:48
10. they ignore healty boundaries 7:32
I hope I could help!
9 days ago..?
9 days ago what tje hell bro
Wow then my parents are very toxic🥺
How’s it nine days ago?
Ty bro
Watching to try and avoid passing on toxic traits intergenerationalally. The guilt of trying to make your own mental health better while trying to raise a balanced happy child is the heaviest feeling . To any other parents here trying to better themselves, im proud of you! You are a good parent !
The deeply love for someone can make you see yourself clearer and that truly amazing
So true! Thank you
I also worry about parenting, especially since I struggle with MDD and anxiety...
I agree with this, and to anyone who wishes to dare rebuttal, the start to change, first someone has to make a start. And you know as they say, perspective goes a long way.
Can anyone tell me how they knew they were ready to be a parent? Is it more of a ready or not hear I come situation? In the off chance that I become a father some day I just don't wanna f$%! it up. I wanna be as humble as possible about it.
I want to stop watching because I keep crying with these videos but I feel more understood here than by my own family
same
I expected one or 2 of these things to apply to my parents, but all of them did, and very easily lol. Everyone in my family acted like I was crazy when I distanced myself from my parents and moved to another state in my early 20's, but looking back I really think I made the right choice.
Did you have everything lined up before moving to a different state ?
They sent me here for treatment, but I stayed in the state against their wishes. So since I was phasing out of treatment I had plenty of time to set up a job, apartment, etc@@johnnytsunami3558
I wish I could too
You did.
After you moving out, did the behaviour of your parents changed towards you?
I'm very curious, I'm 17 rn and I'm going through the same and deciding to moveout. :)
Watching these to learn what not to do with my kids. I grew up in a very toxic environment and I’m always on the lookout not to repeat what I went through, break the family cycle if you will.
I am always questioning and teaching myself how to be a healthy parent because my babies deserve the absolute best, there’s a lot of doubt on myself but I’m trying really hard to be better everyday.
I watch and save these videos to remind me how difficult it will be to raise a child with my current mental health tbh I don't want anyone to go through what I went through so I'll probably be single for life.
Do not have kids, but yes I have already decided what not to do with my kids already.
I have no doubt you will be a great parent.
@tryanride in my case family cycle
You will be a great parent. :)
I’m so sorry for all the kids/teens who are here because of their parents being toxic. As they say, “All children deserve a parent but not all parents deserve a child.” I relate to all these things unfortunately Things will get better. Stay safe everyone 💜
I just clicked on this video to see what would happen... But then I realized my parents do all of this but 1 or 2
@@ilovebooks1108 That’s sad :( I hope things get better for you!
Toxic parents are very hard to handle....They never understand what we have been gone through.
Am 17 does this apply to me too? Or should i be more mature?
I've lived with my grandparents ever since I was taken away from my parents. My grandparents say they would have to come get me once a week when I was a baby because my parents wouldn't stop fighting. I know there are people who have it a lot worse than me but even just knowing that my parents endangered me as a baby scares me. And to think that some kids don't have anyone else to go to. I had my grandparents. Some kids dont
After 27 years I finally understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I’m still struggling to find love and respect for myself and my personal goals. I see the same thing happening to my little sister now, but i’ve been cut off from the family and have no clue how to help her.
All I can say is god bless because everything else I could say is just repeat of everyone else 😊✌🙏😇
Me too but my little brother
@alunalionheart410 . Reach out to your little sister anyway you can . She's worth it
@@JayThe0 Reach out and help your little brother . He's worth the effort
I feel the same. Luckily my younger brother got away. He was smarter. He got away first.
My late mother was this, I’m now watching videos and researching and realising I wasn’t the problem, God bless you all going through this, we are strong together
My mom hits everything on this list. I'm 37, and still only just scratching the surface of the damage she did to me. My dad isn't wholly innocent, but his is more a fault of not seeing and recognizing the signs of the abuse that went on when he wasn't home. She died two years ago, and I almost feel guilty at the relief of knowing she's out of my life forever.
That’s a normal grief response to a toxic parent. ♥️ wishing you all the best in the years to come.
Same. I felt this way towards my mom too.
@@tarzana4Same. My mom is a horrible parent and should be charged for assaulting me verbally
you re free but she broke you life. Of course you had no time to fix this.
Thsi doesn't really fit in this, but im scared to ask or even go to a therapist. Like I dont want to go but its the imly thing I can do. Please help.
What's even sad about toxic parents is that they want their children to be something they don't want to be.
“Hey son! Be a priest!”
“But that’s not m-“
“I guess you don’t love the Lord then. You get to serve the creator!”
“That’s nice. Bu-“
“Ugh you’re so ungrateful!”
THIS.
Yeah
i never realized my mother did some of these things specifically, but the explanation of how the child can become when they are adults like "not being able to say no to people" and "hiding their feelings to please others" are all so accurate so now im really wondering if all these happened and i just never really noticed.
You might be starting to see the light. If indeed you had a toxic upbringing, you might not realise straight away. Then you look closer, think, compare, assess, and realise you've been damaged, with profound, longlasting results 😔
i relate to all of the traits the toxicity can cause, but i cannot remember if my parents have done any of them. it is rather disconcerting
Literally same. It’s kinda hard to notice at first in my opinion because you get use to it and are around it so you just learn to adapt which is so awful.
I guess there can have different reasons, if you can't recognise the behavoir in them, maybe it didn't happen? There is a human tendency to project issues from videos into ones own life, even if only üarts of it match up.
It could also have other reasons to be a people pleaser. One possible explanation: Women are traditionally imagined as having this role of people pleaser so it could be that parents (and the surounding families maybe) see it as the normal way, how people in the past lived. Some people change out of this role others don't. It took me to my 20s to really recognise that women adopt this serving or pleasing roles unspokenly,line at grilling the women did bring the food, the men did the grilling and mostly smalltalk. Could also be social circles etc.
I have 2 younger siblings and now when I look back at how I used to treat them, I feel so disgusted of myself. But my reaction to their actions back then was only a reflection of the reactions I got from my parents for similar situations.
Now that I have started living on my own, far away from my hometown, I realise I've been abused, neglected and manipulated while I grew up.
I could never forgive myself for treating my younger siblings the way I used to do. Maybe it's beyond repair. I think I too have a hand in breaking them from inside. I'm so sorry for my actions but they don't necessarily need to forgive me.
I'm so sorry to hear that you treated your siblings badly. I looked after my siblings and loved them unconditionally because of the way my Parents treated me. I read them bedtime stories, took them on holidays and bought them lovely clothes. I've done the same for my own two children.
One I figured out I was a toxic parent I got help and apologized to my kids. I didn't just say I'm sorry I apologized for forcing them to be perfect and ignoring what happiness looked like to them. I explained my whole life I had to be perfect not realizing it was a passed down cycle. I broke it. I told my kids perfection is an illusion. Success is what it look like to them. It starts with parents getting help and healing from toxic upbringing and apologizing to our babies and taking responsibility. As a parent I realized I'm not always right it's my kids life. Our relationship is much better it's weird because I'm a different person my kids are learning me I'm learning them. They're 23 and 19 I'm 43 it's never to late to break toxic family dynamics. I love my kids more than my pride and ego.
i am happy for u and ur family. was it your kids that made you realize? im 20 and i cant get through to my parents about their toxic behavior. i am not mad at them for how they act because it is not their fault. I am just lonely bc I tell them what can change and they just get defensive or ignore me. any advice i can share to them?
@@kaorirose4132 babe you can only be you. With that said live them at a distance and stop wasting your words on Def ears. Sometimes parents have to feel the distance before they realize. My kids told me I ignored them until they distanced themselves from me and lived their life. BUT I was willing to break the toxicity and have a relationship with my babies. Some parents pride is more important. You're never alone give it to GOD and LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE💕🌈🙂
@Denise S..how were you able to tell that you were a toxic parent?
@ndosh nkhosi I owned it but I saw the damage it was doing to my kids. I'm a person that self reflects alot and ask myself questions thanks to my kids. They told me in many words. Of course my ego was bruised but not enough to not see the hurt and pain I caused them. I love my kids more than myself and I respect them to work on myself to be better. Most parents don't respect their kids and their pride and ego is greater than the love for their kids. Sometimes you have to stop talking to your parents. I've done this my parents hate me so I stopped talking to them it's not important for me to have any contact with ppl that treat me like shit. Parents is only a title to me it means nothing if I'm being disrespected. My parents are always right their pride and ego is stronger so they're not a part of my life. My kids visit them but I'll never talk to them again. My mother is bed ridden I still don't care and won't see her. I owe them nothing.
@ndosh nkhosi also some parents are in competition with their own kids or jealous of them it's crazy and pathetic. Again I respect my kids and my love for them is greater than pride and ego. But I wanted to be better and work on things to better the relationship most parents will never do that because they want to be right.
This is exactly my wife’s mother. At 45, she still can’t stand up for herself and has severe mental health issues because of her toxic mother. Damage done in childhood stays for life, and it hurts.
I hope 🤞 that you guys have an amazing day 😊
She's lucky she got you. God bless your soul buddy.
Same here. Unfortunately my mother was never much supporting for neither for me or my older sister...
Indeed it does!!
You’re absolutely correct. Sadly, no amount of therapy takes that pain away.
It's actually crazy how relatable this video is. Every single day my mom tells me she wishes that i was more 'girly' and 'sensible' and 'good in the kitchen' and that she wishes i was a boy so she could kick me out of the house sooner
Damn, that's fucked up :/
India is still developing because of the less development among parents.
what?!!
I remember my mum telling me constantly how she didn’t understand how I was a bad and selfish person when she was such a great and kind person. Eventually I started to believe it. Once I asked to go to a movie with my friends and she said that I only cared abt my friends and no one else at all. I realise now that she was extremely toxic and I am beginning to distance myself now❤️
I relate to LITERALLY EVERYTHING on the list. I have horrible parents.
Not all hope is lost I care, WE care, that's why we are here. We love that you exist and appreciate everything you do. Keep your head up and stay strong. 💚
@@Snoflick thanks!
@@JT0007 1. Being homeless and not having a room has little/nothing to do with how your parents treat you as a person... And this video talks about emotional abuse aswell which emotional neglectence is a form of abuse.
Parents may be there and can still treat you horribly, theres children who get sexually assaulted by their family, so by your logic since they stayed with them theyre not horrible?
A parent could be still terrible and lost. Stupid comment
@@JT0007 they did isolate me
@@JT0007 with no privacy.
My mother is the textbook example of a toxic parent. My dad, bless his heart, does do everything he can to keep me and my brother happy and well cared for, but his wife is a whole nother story. She constantly is hounding on us for the things she wanted to do but never got to because she had us. Everytime there is even a small argument in the house, she dramatizes it and makes it all about her, no matter what the argument was even about. I get in trouble for things that are out of my control. I can't help the hair color I was born with, or how tall I am. I cant change my genes, yet she still yells at me for every little detail that she sees as an "imperfection". As I've gotten older, I've come to realize how toxic she truly is and that there will always be people who love and accept me for who I am. I'm currently 16, about to turn 17. I'm just counting the days till I can legally move out, and put this woman behind me.
Edit: I'm now 17 and will be going into my senior year of highschool. She's gotten worse over these past few months and my brother has called the police on her several times because he was scared that we were going to get hurt. This woman is insane. I'm choosing to ride it out till I graduate and can leave. I will be filing a restraining order against her when I am living on my own. My partner is the best person I could've asked for to help me through this. They are so beyond supportive and have told me time and time again that if I start feeling unsafe, all I have to do is text them and they will come and get me. No questions asked. I've found myself having to utilize that privilege more than once. I am still counting the days until I can legally move out and put the years of mental scars behind me.
I would also like to thank everyone sharing their stories in the replies. Its been relieving on some level to know there are people that know what I'm going through. It doesn't matter your age, or how long you've been dealing with it. Abuse is abuse, and toxic is toxic. Blood doesn't make that any different.
bless you, mate, ❤
Narcissism
This is exactly my situation, to the letter, save it's my dad who's the problem, and my mom is as equally beaten down as I am, maybe more, but she still tries to be a parent to me and my little brother. Less than two years left, we can do it.
SAME! Hope you are feeling better now. Unfortunately I'm much younger and I need to suffer for a few more years... hopefully time flies by
I know that toxic parents are a hard thing to deal with. I know that you might love them even though they aren’t the best people, so it can be difficult to find a way to do something about it. If your parents are causing you to suffer emotionally, the best thing to do might be to get someone legally involved, or at least talk to a counselor about it. I’ve been through a lot recently, but trust me sometimes it’s the only solution. Parents should be people we can trust and count on.
My dad was incredibly toxic. He fits into a lot of the categories on this list, especially #5. Anytime I would try and tell him the things he did wrong, his go-to excuse was, "Well, I could've treated you so much worse. I'm not as bad as other parents out there." I've been no contact with him for about 7-8 months now.
i hope you are doing better
My mum always says that. I hope you are doing okay. ❤
Same. I was told that many girls like me are killed as soon as they're born. It was the only thing that ever hurt me so bad. And rn my parents are fighting badly, they have been always but it escalated this time, they might get a divorce. And when my father was breaking things , I asked what his problem was and he replied with 'you and your brother.' It hurt me so much I just cried it out silently in my room, about two hours ago. I have to give a competitive med college entrance and my preparation has been pretty fucked up in junior year. This year is my only chance and I feel that everything is hitting at once. Their, fighting never affected me so much coz I was used to it. But some words just hurt, because ik he's frustrated, hopefully didn't mean that and I don't say anything coz I don't wanna be ungrateful. And it's not like he'll listen anyway. And for some reason I didn't feel anger at all even though I just want to cut him off. I just feel pain. And I feel weak, which I hate.
I'm sorry for ranting but I just had to get it off my mind. And I for some reason do have friends, but no one to talk to.
@@HannaChan-dk7ps he knows exactly what he’s doing! He’s scapegoating you. You are not to blame! Stay focused sweetheart, this is your ticket to escape. You got this! I certainly believe in you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@shakirasmith6454 thanks a lot . Sometimes words from strangers can be enough to keep believing and hustling. I needed that : ))
Toxic parenting is usually a sign of mental health problems in the parent or maybe complex stress/trauma. All parents are human and will have ‘stuff’ that interferes with good parenting. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to deal with your ‘stuff’ as much as possible to protect your children. Once those children become adults, it becomes their responsibility to deal with whatever scars they have as a result of your parenting so they don’t pass it on. Parents’ responsibility ti an adult son/daughter is to acknowledge their own parenting mistakes, apologize and support their children’s efforts to cope and grow so their children can heal and move on. The key - personal responsibility.
My mother was a toxic parent. She was VERY openly critical and constantly compared me to others and VERY controlling I'm still a work on progress and make sure I don't treat my children the same way.
When we go through a bad childhood, we often hv the mission to not repeat the mistake when we are a parent as well. How r u dealing with ur trauma?
You are doing 👍but don't tire yourself if you wanna take a break you can I don't wanna be a nag but 🤗🤗
Although my parents (especially my mom) were great and have helped me all of my life, their line of addiction and drug use goes back generations; I'm going to end it permanently.
Same, my parents refuse to listen to me and they have ALL these traits. Now as an adult, I suffer from depression and other stuff because of them😢
@@amiahedmondson6320 It might sound rude of me to say in this instance, but exercising on a regular basis really has helped me out a lot, especially yoga routines. I was feeling down for quite a while until I starting running and doing yoga on the regular, especially back in my early years of high school.
I had a father that would open my mail. I asked him why and he said it was by accident. This happened more than a dozen times.
my mom would say because its her house uhhh we have privacy too
Accident my ass. He knew what he was doing. Sorry about the profanity.
He doesn't respect you
My parents open my messenger and read my messages. They told me that I should be transparent to them. They also told me that since I'm under 18 I should follow them all the time and they should be the one making decisions for me. They even want me to stop hanging out with my friends.
My parents hate when I lock my door and threaten to take away my door knob. They also manage all my search history and never give really good answers to my important questions. I feel you
This really hits home. On top of everything said, I am constantly reminded by my mother how selfish I am for living my own life instead of living with her, so that she is not lonely, because that was her reason for getting me in the first place. And when I resist she pulls out the guilt and blame in the form of telling me how lonely she is without me and that her only thoughts are of death because she has nothing else than me in her life. I hate this, I feel constantly so guilty for living my own life and on top of that her parenting gave me terrible whiplash to these days that everytime something good happens I automatically expect and fear something bad will follow and I cannot enjoy even the little things without the knot in my stomach.
Toxic parents are so unbelievably damaging to children and later adults that grow up from those children. Personally I know my mother had the same upbringing from her own mother and I decided to end that cycle and stay childless.
My dear, you are not alone. I feel youbso well..I started the no contact because it is for the best. Cutting off toxic parents is hard, but it is for the best. Your mental health will thank you. Stay strong and do not fall into the trap of feeling guilty. You got this!
U can put boundries. Turn around everytme she cross them. Punish her if she didn't respect u. Leave for a while. No body needs to live in pain because of others....
Your comment triggered a memory for me, the horror I felt when my family was in a mini feud- my mother turned to me and told me that maybe it’d be better if she was dead or ran away. My father definitely didn’t help, he was the reason most of these arguments happened, and the reason my brother blows up on everyone, including his own mother. Over the smallest, most insignificant things like a misplace item too- both of them have that issue. I hate it when my mother clumps me with them like she doesn’t have her flaws because I’ve actually been trying to right my wrongs and work on the things I’ve been influenced by my family into doing. I want to be a good person, I want to be someone people feel safe around- someone who couldn’t be seen even hurting a fly- I’ve still got a long way to go..
Yea man my parents also want me to live with them if i was an adult
And they always guilt trip me if i left them.
They even questioned me why i cant be independent when they dont allow me to try at first
I’m glad I’m learning this stuff now. I’m 19 (almost 20) and moved out of my parents place almost two years ago. They were extremely toxic. After my dad got sole custody, him and my stepmom dehumanized my mother and forced me to stop contacting her. They verbally abused me almost every day and then turned it around on me when I finally fought back. I’d try to consult my brother for his help but he always told me that I fight back too much. What they didn’t understand is that I was doing the best I can and didn’t have the diagnosis I needed. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Instead of taking that as “Oh, maybe I should change how I behave with my child since they have mental health problems” they took it as “Oh, that’s just an excuse, I’m doing everything right
Finally stopped trying & went no contact in Sept 2021 & started trauma therapy. It's a tough pill to swallow, being told by a mental health professional that your parents have all the traits of narcisstic personality disorder & so lack comprehension of the concepts of love & empathy, but it's been liberating too. Us kids of toxic parents were never the problem, we were just human projection screens for very unwell adult-toddlers.
There’s always two sides to a story…your therapist is only hearing your perceptions of your parents🙄
@Kathayton Solomons I’m sorry you went through so much but I’m curious how is it possible to love your family from a distance? Seems like there’s pain all around…you’re in pain and so are they…and because you cut off all contact they wouldn’t assume that you love them…maybe in the future when more healing has occurred on all sides, empathy and joint counseling could restore a fractured relationship.
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@@tigerlily1034 I mean, I'm going with a psychologist, having to constantly point out to my therapist that what I am saying could be misinterpretation due to cultural differences, and even had my psychologist meet her so my mom would actually understand my diagnosed depression. Yet my psychologist knows that while it could be coming from a place of care, it's still not okay in what my mom has said or done to me. (Mainly expressing my own feelings, competition against others)
What you said above, while it's understandable, is also a bit tone-deaf to someone's real suffering.
@@tigerlily1034 I believe that's what matters: his perception. I also believe that his perception was shaped by their behavior, just as mine was shaped by my father's.
WHO ELSE JUST REALIZED THEY HAD A TOXIC CHILDHOOD?!
Me
I realized my dad was toxic and my mom was kinda toxic
Me, 15yo, just faced this sad truth!
I always knew
It started happening when I got older mostly the toxic ness of my mom
The controlling their children with guilt and money part really resonated with me, it would explain why I struggle with asking for anything and why I’m distrustful of others, I’ve always wondered why I hate asking for things, I’m pretty messed up so it’s probably just one of the reasons why I’m like this.
(Also I would like to add when I was half way through writing this my nose started pouring blood and I had to type the rest with a tissue in my nose and the taste of blood in my mouth 👍)
Same here... My mother would just talk down on me guilt trip me and compare me to my older sister...
As a result we had conflicts as kids/teens and as adults I had a normal relationship with my sister, with distance but never with my mother. She was a miserable woman, who got married to a man that was mostly lazy.
That was her fault even if she would never admit it...
That part sounds a lot like my best friends parents. They've done so many f*ed up things to her that she was planning to move out as soon as she found an apprenticeship.
Then, a few years ago at christmas, they gave her a PS5 😅 And she already knew from the start, as soon as things would get worse again, they would use this for bribary. And well, she was right... They threatened to take the PS5 from her if she moves out, and she didn't even care 😂
Yeehaw, my parents checked off everything here :D My life GREATLY improved when I distanced myself and stopped talking to them. No more constant criticism, guilt-tripping, silencing myself, stifling myself to make them happy.
I was talking to an older co-worker my parents age about this and she was more understanding about my situation but the distancing made her uncomfortable. Because I am the only girl it's 'expected' for me to take care of them in their old age, and I could tell she had this great hope that we could make up if we just talked, that my parents would one day see what a lovely person I am and make this great 360 in the way they treated me. And I just gently changed the topic. I've gone through many 'just talk to me, I will listen to you' from my parents, and in the end nothing changes. I reach out, hoping something would change, maybe this time it'll be different--and I get shut down, blamed, dismissed--and if I respond with 'this is why I don't talk to you' they will automatically go 'and there you go again'. Yes, here we go again. I've reflected. And I refuse to reflect back any of the insecurity and anger you keep putting on me anymore. To be the perfect little scapegoat they can pin all their frustrations on.
Enough was enough. I'm living for me.
my parents have never really asked if i was doing okay, or even cared, just always acted the same, it feels bad, like no one cares about your feelings, so i never really knew how to properly express my emotions
Now that you pointed this out: I can't even recall 1 memory of my parents ever asking if I'm ok. Not that I care, but it's a hard realization to comprehend.
I never thought about this until now...
Did they also treat you like you were stupid if you asked for any kind of affection or confirmation they loved you? Because ditto
I used to be the toxic parent. I had to take accountability for my stuff because others disliked me. When I started healing myself, I started noticing where my toxic behavior came from. And the parents that gave us this trait have ethical denial and every trait you mentioned. So glad for this video!!!
I’m so proud of you for recognizing that and changing! I wish my parents did. Have a blessed day!🥹
Hi, we don’t know each other but I’m proud of you ♥️
Thank you. Thank you. God bless you ma’am ❤️.
My aunt could never
You're doing great!
30 yrs old unmarried male here. I can relate to each and everything here happened to me in childhood done by my mom and dad. But I've tried to react with affection and love and care even for people who are not good to me. And I thank the universe who created me with a loving heart. Going forward, If I parent a child in future, I will give all my love and affection to them instilling them with positive and motivating behaviour even if they failed. I've learnt two things growing that we need to be both strong internally and soft externally and vice versa. This is good both for the parents and their children. It creates and strong and motivating environment leading to a happy life.
8:05 this is my mom.
She always barges in my room without knocking because she thinks that "youre still a teen what do you need privacy for?" and everytime i close my door to change she always opens it back not caring if i was changing just because "were both girls" its honestly annoying that she doesnt care for my privacy just because im not old enough and im the same gender as her. My brother gets privacy just because hes older and a boy( hes 17 three years older than me.) I honestly think that i should also have privacy like my brother without my mom caring about my age or my gender.
dispite being same gender its a must to give privacy to them like if I walk in my mother's room while she being naked wouldn't she have a shame ? of course she will I hope you will earn the boundries you deserve
My mother did this too when I was younger, she even used to walk into the bathroom to pee or take something from the drawers while I was taking a shower, and didn't want me to lock the door (because I might fall and need help, she said). As a teenager this behaviour made me very unconfortable, and when she noticed or I told her something about it she shamed me (sometimes even in front of the rest of the family) for being too modest and self conscius, saying out loud that there was nothing wrong with nudity (of course there's nothing wrong with nudity in general, but everyone should have privacy when they want it), that we were both women so it should not bother me (as If attraction to the same sex could not exist, but that's another topic), and that SHE was so open and free from any malice that she could run around the home naked or go to a nudist beach and be super confortable and not think about other people sexually. Well mom, thanks, but that was not my point. Of course she didn't have any "malice" towards me, but that does not justify the lack of privacy!!
if I walked in while my mom was naked that would be very disturbing, same for my sister. (I’m a guy) so I would let my daughter and son have privacy no matter their 2 genders or how old they are
My mom and stepdad are toxic and I’ve known this for a long time. I’ve distanced myself from them as much as I can, even though I still live in their house. It’s extremely hard every day but somehow I’m still here, fighting through it like many, many other people. I hope that anyone who can relate to me can heal and survive through these tough times.
I’m glad your still here ❤️
Make a plan to leave one day, and when you do you will discover the outside world
Yes. I relate. I have narcissist family members and it’s a lot. I live with them still to. I pray you get through this.
I’m sorry your dealing with h this. I realized my parents were toxic during the pandemic and it hasn’t been the same sense.
I'm doing the same. I moved in with my mom when I was 16 as I didn't grow up with her, we've been together for 5 years now. But I realized she's toxic and no good for me and I'm staying with her being 21 and jobless I'm trying my best to finally move out. Now I see a stranger that's hurt from childhood and passed on toxicity to me, we don't talk anymore atleast not everytime only when it's necessary. I feel like I will die if I don't move out. If I don't die of suffocation from her drama and the way I see her now #the real her , I will surely die if stroke or whatever. But I will survive alone.
I remember when I lived with my grandma and I got in trouble, she would make me write a essay or do a puzzle(she doesn’t believe in hitting or yelling at children, she also did this type of punishment with my mom and aunties and uncles when they were younger), then explain how my actions were wrong or bad. And I actually learned from that. Now that I live with my parents it’s either getting hit or told that they don’t love me. Like what the f can a person learn from that or grow as a person. at least I’ll be able to live with my grandma again when I go to college
Poor one! Cherish your granny
Best luck...
Bless your grandma!
Man, your grandma is OP.
love her ❤️
mistakes should have natural consequences, not punishments that have nothing do do with it. example: u made a mess, oh u made a mess, clean it up, if u want i'll get a broom for you so u can clean it, or u know where the broom is. punishment is wrong in every way
I’m a 24 year old autistic adult now and I’ve experienced some of the things like silent treatment and criticism. It was painful and confusing growing up. Though my father does it more than my mother who screams at me for even the smallest things. They even blame others, even their kids (I.e. me and my brothers) this video showed me that, yes. My parents fit the descriptions of toxic parents. I’ve moved out of my mom’s home at 23 and my dad’s home a month ago because both home environments are just unhealthy and toxic. I’m doing better away from the toxic and stressful homes they’ve created with even their destructive habits like alcohol and smoking pot everyday. I planned to regain my confidence and be free from their control and live my life the way I’m supposed to. Videos like these should be seen by everyone who also struggle with toxic parents in even their adult years like me.
My son is 14. We have a very open and hones relationship. I did notice that i have used the threat of returning expensive items that were gifts as a form of punishment or i have bought gifts, not realizing at the time, to create excitement in him towards me. I'm so grateful for these videos to help those understand these traits in others as well as themselves so we can all be better and have better relationships with our loved one's.
Not only would these traits have an effect on children, it has effect to your partners and friends too
If you can even have friends like this. My parents don't. They think everyone is trying to rip them off.
Every single one of these traits I see in my ex's family system. I'm still recovering from that mess and relearning healthy relationships.
Uh, no.
I relate to this 100% . People used to tell me that it must have been hard living away from my parents, but the fact is it was such a relief. Never did i realized ive become one messed up adult who's struggling with my own identity, having anxiety, also tough to know when and who to apply personal boundaries. Its like living my life in a box
I can relate. And then friends don't understand and blame me.
Same. When I moved put from my parents house my life changes and everything felt better. But I am still dealing with all the damage they made.
I hope you can heal from your wounds and have a better life 😊.
I don't relate to all of the traits, only about half, but I was also just very happy to live away from my father (my mother's fine). Every time people assume I'm happy because my parents returned home from vacation or assume I'm sad because I can't see them often, it's like, sorry, but you're way off
I can totally understand that. I moved out when I was 18 to start feeling alive again. But severe anxiety and depression are the result of the behavior of my so called mother. I wish there was an end to this pain. I haven’t seen her for so many years but still have to listen to her voice one a week and feel sick to my stomach every single time. 😔
@@aranzart3642 did you have everything lined up before moving out ?
So, I asked my daughter if I was a highly toxic mom. She answered me, saying somewhat. I can't believe I'm a toxic mom🤦♀️. I apologize and told her I will try better not to be a toxic mom to my adult kids. I know she knows I do try, and that is why our relationship has been a lot better. I'm proud of my adult kids. So far, no jail,unwanted pregnancies, and heavy core drugs. My kids are awesome. 😊
ma'am idk you but you are amazing
hugs from brazil
@@NoahKaneYhen ty
It's really good you're informing yourself and considering their emotions. Remember it's not your fault so don't feel bad. We just repeat what we've experienced... We didn't get handed instructions when we came out the womb.
@@agavino520 I know what you mean it's hard being a parent regardless if you're a woman or a man. I told my daughter I was making soap, but she asked me not to make it for her. I was bummed out about it. I told her I wanted her to be my tester because I value her opinion. If she doesn't want too I'll respect her decision.
Very helpful information. Thanks for sharing 🙏🙏
There's a shame around admitting that my parents were unintentionally toxic to me and my siblings. I recognise it now but to say it out aloud is being ungrateful and selfish. Even if I know they were wrong in treating me the wrong way as a child I can't say anything to them now. I don't want to be separated from them because I care about them, but now being in a relationship with my partner I realise how presence of a person who loves you unconditionally and helps you grow can mend your soul. I'm greatly thankful that finally I can trust someone with my craziest of thoughts and feelings and not be judged for it.
As someone who’s parents do all of these, sometimes on a daily basis, I knew they were toxic but I didn’t realize how bad it actually was. Wow.
Same here, it took me a long time.
Same here... I am aware of my relative's trait but I am still questioning if I am a victim or a manipulator....
Knowing is half the problem. You can heal this! All the best.
Same here, also because no one else sees that side of your parent: everyone thinks they are a good person and a good parent, so you end up thinking you're just "too sensitive" and "overly dramatic", at least in my case
@@usernameworkinprogress Thats exactly what I began to think after realizing that almost everyone on my dad’s side would cover up all the physical and emotional damage he caused. I was lucky to have the support of my mom’s side so I didn’t get depression.
To everyone who does have it though, I hope your lives eventually get better. Just know that there are people out there who care about you. You just have to meet them first.
You are worthy, valuable and deserve to be loved, do not let your past define who you are, walk away from those people do not value you and bring negative energy to your life because you deserve the best. By walking away form those toxic people you are showing to the world how much you love yourself.
Thank you a random person on the internet
You are worthy and valuable and deserve to be loved as well x
-Monica
I just turned 35 and am still dealing with the effects of my toxic childhood. To anyone struggling, don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
My mom hits most of these traits. I have reached the point where I have lost all respect for her and just don't want anything to do with her anymore. I have tried to talk to her, I tried to tell her how what she has done and said to me hurt me only for her to flat out tell me that I'm wrong, threaten me, or make herself the victim. She does not support my dreams because she sees it as a waste of time and I'm not doing anything with my life. So now I pretty much hate her with everything in me, but she wants to talk about all these sacrifices she has made, she wants to throw her job as a parent at me and I can't take it anymore. Trust and believe she will never see me ever again when I'm gone (3 years until I graduate college).
Bro I am almost the same situation. I am also right now in a position where I lost my respect to my mom and dad (mainly to my mom) because she is really toxic, manipulated me emotionally and abused me. I am really missing the love between my mom and me back in the days but she only uses me when she needs me... I am so heartbroken it feels like I have a dark hole where my heart is.💀
@@Patrick-rz8om At some point we have to understand they’re never going to change he no matter what we do, so it’s not worth the time or energy to try and plead them because sooner or later they’re going to find something wrong with you and hold that over your head
"Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent - DeeDee
"Yeah... Well, I guess nobody can screw someone up as bad as their parents." ~Dean Winchester ;o)
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I always found it hilarious when my mom would kick me out for being "out of control". She'd insist that after living with my grandparents or my father for a while, I'd be begging to come back. Instead, after it turned out I was enjoying myself, she'd demand I be returned to her home.
My mother kicked me out of the house, and asked for me to "apologies" to come back. I just stayed with my father, and is saying "i never put you out of the house". Yes you did, and it's so much better to not see you as much i can.
When your 18 you can move out and pay your own Bill's. For now be thankful for free home.
@@ravenstillwaters5195 please don't have kids. Thanks.
@@ravenstillwaters5195 Thankful for a free home dealing with toxicity and mental abuse? No thank you. That's not free because you'll have to pay for all the medications and therapy afterwards if you're able to make it out of that situation.
@@ravenstillwaters5195 it isn't a "free home". It's shelter that the PARENTS are responsible for when they decide to keep the child, including other essential needs like food, medical care, entertainment and education. If you don't want to provide shelter for you child, than you can choose other options like adoption, giving them to a responsible family member, or termination if you're still in the legal time frame to do so.
Once I told my mom (when I was about 9-10) “I have been feeling really sad lately” she said “what you want to speak to a therapist?” I said “yes, please” I never spoke to that therapist
Turns out I had the symptoms for depression in teens
I found out I had these symptoms from no other than Psych2go
I really want to say thank you, I am doing much better now and I still watch your videos and find them very interesting because they show me things that I may not have known otherwise about me and other people they also teach me how to deal with toxic people like my grandma 😩
My parents are like this but they refuse to let me to go to therapy, my bestfriend took the responsibility and acted like a better parent and gave me everything ive ever wanted, my parents and i are like strangers living in one house and only communicate when needed to, my mom puts me down and doesnt really care how i feel and dad calls me names like useless only for little things, but my bestfriend is there to help me with whatever problem i have or i have kept hidden, its hard expressing emotions in my household only because of my parents.
I can not express how well timed this video is. I recently came to realize that my relationship with my mom isn't as healthy as a realized, and I relate REALLY hard to #2 and #9. It's nice to get that affirmation that my feelings aren't baseless, and it's definitely something I will be bringing up with my therapist next time I speak with them. Thank you. c':
I'm really sorry to hear this. I hear you and I support your courage to speak to your therapist about the difficult topic. All the best x
-Monica
This is exactly my situation so I feel you..
So it wasnt jusy well timed for me too? :D My dad just gave me the silent treatment and he still is so uh- ;-;
At least they let you have a therapist lol. My parents don't want me venting to anyone and have informed me of it
I’ve had the same realization recently too!
I believe it's important to understand that parents don't have to be full-blown toxic to leave psychological or emotional scars. They can even believe themselves to be genuinely caring and loving, even doing good things for you, yet still exhibit toxic tendencies such as these. Number 9 hit particularly close for me. Numerous times, I'd be on the receiving end of harsh accusations for things I didn't even do. Even when I was proven to be in the right, there was no apology, no acknowledgement of ever being wrong. Also, parents can sometimes even compete with their children over stress, issues, and misfortunes. Almost every time I'd try to confide about my life's problems, they were immediately belittled because my parents always somehow had it worse. Then, people wonder why I have issues asking others for help.
Right
I can relate so much to this. My parents displayed so many toxic traits yet they believed they were being good parents. I love my mom, but there were many times she crossed the line as I grew up; she's gone now, and I'm grateful to have had her in my life, but thinking back on much of what she did, I wish she had done things better. My dad is a whole lot more toxic and he and I have a strained relationship b/c of it. #9 hits me deep b/c my parents would rarely ever apologize for stuff. I would be wrongly accused of things, be physically attacked for minor things (mostly by my dad), or be called very hurtful insults, and I'd get an "I'm sorry" only about 4/10 times. My mom would apologize sometimes, but most times she'd just act like she did nothing wrong and I'm just being dramatic. My dad never apologizes; it's a rarity for him to say sorry, and even when he does, he's not sincere.
Very good point same here
Really wish people like this didn't exist
I totally relate, number 5 hit me the hardest cause that's how my parents raised me, thing is it was always told to me and still has been that it's not guilt tripping, and it's like a business deal. I'm like WTF how is this not guilt tripping?? Sorry I don't want to go outside in the blistering heat of Texas in the middle of summer to a yard that looks like Jurassic park, but in the state it was in in the Jurassic world movie, and use an electric push mower and a machete to "takle the yard" I mean his "joke" nickname for me is "wussy boy" fing hate that nickname. No wonder I'm worried about talking to him about my GD.
Some parents am I rite? Dang it I still love and care about them..
Both of my parents hit all ten. My father was a covert Narcissist and my mother overt. My whole adult life has been occupied healing from this. No Contact and skilled therapists have helped so much. It's difficult to heal when you're still being subjected to the abuse. Society has it very wrong when it comes to estrangement from parents. If your instinct tells you that you need to break away, trust yourself. You live with them. You know best.
my life. Now I am adult and know what they have done to me, I let my parents suffer for it and I enjoy every moment of it. Well done parents.
I feel bad for people with toxic parents I hope they’re able to break the chain of toxicity with their children if they ever have any. So I’m glad I have parents who care about me and don’t neglect my needs.
Thanks, i have highly toxic parents and yeah i gonna break the chain by not having any kids 🥰👍 lmao
@@ro_ro22 keep your chin up and yeah you could break the chain by not having children
@@ro_ro22 Same 👍
@@ro_ro22 I have the exact same thought. My family genealogy must end through me, & I'm almost becoming like them too to the point I despise myself. I'm raised in one where all of them r arrogant, toxic & hypocrites.
God bless you, I am always happy wherever someone has a parent who really says that they love you ☺☺☺
I relate to most of them, but the boundaries one hit hard.
I'm 28 and I only started learning about boundaries and setting them up this year...
We all start somewhere. It sucks how such things effected us growing up.
I'm happy to hear that you have identified and are actively working towards establishing boundaries 🍻
How do you put them
Same here….🤍
Started attending therapy last year, worked on myself and boundaries now everyone is mad at me.
Hello mate, I don't even know you but somehow I'm so so so so happy that you have started to set some boundaries. Congrats to you :)
Every single point that was made in this video described my mother... It feels so good to finally realize my gut feelings about her were always correct. Thank you for this video, it has helped me on my healing journey.
same but I am 10 times more worse situation I am stuck with her till marriage and will get marry to someone with her choice she says even if my husband beats me I should stay if I file a complain she will stand for him, she says she wish in future my kids dies, she wants me to have cancer 22 and every single day is a hell
As someone who just became an adult last November I can see a lot of this stuff within my own parents.
Back then, whenever i tried to go against my mom about anything she'd immediately get very defensive and use everything she knew to go against my decision/opinion, even though i was just a kid. She was never willing to waste her energy or money with anything i wanted.
She'd make me feel guilty about anything i did or didn't do, she'd shame me and compare me to my older brother, and sometimes force me into doing house chores to compensate. She didn't go as far as publicly humiliate, abuse or harm me physically, because that'd ruin her image as a "perfect independent mother".
Now, she keeps trying to make me open up but it's only a matter of time until i can finally cut all relations with her. I just need to build a new, stable life somewhere else from zero.
I hope it works out for you, I related to most of this, even after I bettered my older sister in school due to her pressure now she compares my to her younger cousin who's in college even though I'm less than half way with my high school years TT
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This video is helpful. I am 76 - a mother with three adult daughters and two grand daughters. I’m taking responsibility for what I think what I feel and what I say and do. The meanness and anger in me are under scrutiny. my intention is to do no harm. I intentionally do at least one kind thing everyday for a stranger or neighbor who is in need of food or basic necessities . I do this in person. When I lose my temper or say something nasty I can reflect on it , own it and apologize. I remind myself that each day is a new beginning. I know why my mother was toxic and before she passed I found out how much I love her - in spite of her harmful ways . I remind myself that I am not her and that mostly I am a good honest person. I hope everyone who struggles can find within their love and wisdom which I believe we all have . Once you tap into your ❤️ love and wisdom nourish yourself like you would seeds in a garden. 🌸🙏🏼
That's the thing parents do. They treat their children horribly with no remorse for it, until the child gets old enough that they could tell someone about it, and then, parents get defensive and try to make half-assed improvements to look good so others would think the child is dramatic or exaggerating. Or just forget about it, and rewrite the things they did as a way of 'doing what they could.'
I never understood this until I married into it and I can see how deep-rooted these toxic tendencies go. It effected me for over 15 years and I was only a shell of myself and treated people poorly because I began to adopt the toxic habits. Having made the choice to go low/no contact, even the smallest encounters can still leave me feeling drained. I believe my husband was attracted to my (more) healthy family because we were everything is family wasn't. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "family is everything." My husband was the caretaker of his family for most of his life and he still doesn't know how to think for himself. It is sad to see potential squashed because parents are insecure. I realized that my own grandmother is/was toxic and I often felt bad for not wanting to spend time with her, but nothing is ever good enough and she usually gossips or complains.
Though I can relate to a lot of me, the one that hit me the hardest was the boundary one. I barely get any privacy, having to be in the same room with my parents because not many people and not enough money (in both houses). But when I ask to not touch me because I don't like it, or to show them something or "I have something to hide." Sure maybe I do, but that's because it's personal, and they judge me. But not respecting the boundary of being touched and then them saying "It's because it annoys you" then denying it and saying it's because I don't want their love is just the most worst feeling.
These characteristics are passed on from one generation to the next. This is known as Intergenerational Transmission of Stress. Your mission is to break it by becoming aware of it and seek professional help to prevent it from being passed on to the next generation.
THIS ^^^
Have my like!
It’s so common to hear the “my parents raised me this way and I turned out alright!”
Im not having kids for this reason tbh. I know id get too frustrated around them anyway
Yes Amen! 💯% 🎯
I'm already on this mission! 🥰 determined to not let me future kids be exposed to any part of that negative toxic cycle and energy unfortunately my parents still in till this day. I've moved on indefinitely.
@winter Monroe Good for you!
“No healthy boundaries”, I felt that hard. 💀
Great intro. No self aggrandizing music or title graphics or previews, just straight to the point.
I was always told to control my anger. But when they got angry, they were allowed to act out and physically punish us.
They always said, they do this because they love us. Make up, happy family.
For a short while till it goes off again. And this has been effecting me for years where they turned me into them, then they hated what they created.
Yet they blame me for everything. And say that they have trust issues with me. Yet they broke every single promise. Abandon me when I needed them the most.
I now live with my partner who helped me heal, I no longer seek love or affection from either of them or family as they are all narcissistic.
The second one reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother just yesterday. I was so stressed bc I had to do something I wasn't ready to do that I started to cry, silently, so she wouldn't notice. But she found out by randomly coming into my room. When she made me explain why I was crying, she suddenly got mad at me and screamed at me, saying "there's war in the Ukraine and you're being dramatic over something like that?!". She proceeded to yell at me, that she would loose her patience if I didn't stop crying, which ofc made me cry even more. Then she gave me an ultimatum: If I wouldn't do the thing I had to do RIGHT NOW (it wasn't urgent at all), she would. It's hard to expain why without going into more detail that I don't know how to explain in English but I didn't want her to do it either, so I set out on my way, still crying and shaking, and in the end, my mom taking matters into her own hand was even counterproduktive.
ik no one's gonna read this, I just had to get it off my chest somewhere.
I read this. You're not alone as alone as you feel.
@@reneerosie you have no idea how happy you just made me
I don't like commenting, I guess it makes me uncomfortable or something. But this really hits home. Have had some things go wrong in life (yeah I know they weren't big, other people have had worse), but I still feel awful from those experiences and they still seriously affect my life. My mother suffers from quite a lot of phycological issues and is trying to hold together a 12 person family that is continuing to fall apart, I know she is human (I really feel bad for her) and I can't just outright criticize her, but she is so hard to live with and she has caused me quite a bit of pain over the years (for various reasons) and she always tells me to talk to her, open up, be honest, etc. but when I am, when I do, she often will make me feel so awful (in different ways), so I don't want to open up to her anymore. But I still have to live with her, and the rest of my collapsing family, I don't know if I'll even make it through highschool, everything is such a mess. Anyways sorry for the pathetic monologue but just wanted to say I'm sorry and I think I get it. Yes, I read your comment. ( :
@@kathrynnmurray thank you for sharing that, it makes me feel like my telling my story helped someone. I wish you and your family the best and I really hope that it'll get better for you.
Edit: also don't be sorry, I don't think your comment is a "pathetic monologue". I felt the same way when I posted mine, but apparently people found it interesting or helpful enough to read the whole thing and even comment on it and at least for me it's the same with your story.
Edit edit: I just realized this whole paragraph is basically und sentence. I'm sorry if it's hard to read but I have no idea where to put commas in English.
@@chia.rae.. Honestly it's really strange, I know there are so many people in this world who suffer (from so many different things) yet it is so easy to feel isolated. So to hear people say they've been there, they understand that, for some reason it is oddly comforting. I mean, obviously I feel bad for whoever is struggling, but I'd rather be around people who I feel like they understand me rather than trying to bottle everything up because if I try to open up to the people around me... well, it doesn't end well.
Your response was great. Messages need not be long or short to convey emotion ( : And English sucks, I think you did fine with the commas. I hope you are doing well too...
Why is this so accurate.
I’m kinda sad that I recognise all of this.
I didn’t realise these were toxic traits
I thought this was normal
It will be fine we're with you
Yeah and it hurts because my parents hurt me so much and I don’t always notice because it just feels normal and I still love them, but their toxicity ruins my mental health.
@@avieebvlogs8018 so does mine I hope they'll listen to u and help u
But stay optimistic! U'll find someone to help I tell you..
watching this video made me appreciate how good my parents were to me. They were by no means perfect, but things defiantly could have been worse
it hurts because every characteristics of the toxic parents in the video remembers me of my mom and dad.
Wow. I came here to watch this for myself, as I’m a new parent and wanted to avoid being a bad mom. At the end I realized how toxic my own parents were to me…
Your child is really lucky 😊
I hope no one goes thro this
my parents love to say that the reason I am always upset and moody is because I'm a teenager, every time they say that I feel like they care about me less and less. I have mentioned that I feel depressed and want to see a therapist, but every time it's "you don't have depression, its because you're a teenager, it's the hormones" not only that but they love to compare me to other kids and criticize my work, this is why now I don't show them my test scores or drawings, even if it is a good mark or I'm proud of it I feel they always have something negative to say. my parents love to barge into my room and start talking to me about stuff that doesn't interest me or makes me feel bad,, and I'm so scared to talk back to them because I know I will get yelled at (i have a feeling this is where my fear of yelling came from). Also instead of apologizing they go on to explain why they were right.
thanks to anybody that actually read this, I needed to get it off my chest😊
It’s insane how I found a lot of things that is happening in my relationship with my parents. I indeed felt like my feelings weren’t justified with good reasons or that they were just not worth to be acknowledged . I just felt like I shouldn’t feel this way. However your channel really helped me to feel validated and at ease but also to understand more what’s going on with myself and with my familly. I understand better why I’m depressed and it really helps so tyvm for your content ❤
I'm so glad I came across this, I grew up with toxic people and I carried that into adulthood and even display some of that to my children. Now I have things to unlearn so I can raise better children.
how are u?
I was ‘raised’ by a pair of narccicistic monsters who systematically did whatever they could to damage and decimate my self-esteem. Both used blame, shame and criticism as weapons. I was a sensitive kid who was roundly mocked and humiliated by both of them. My ‘father’ favoured aggression, screaming and shouting, losing his temper over imagined slights, small mistakes and my inability to be what he wanted me to be. Thankfully he’s been dead for 20 something years and I’ve never missed him for a single second. My ‘mother’ who’s still hanging around has always been utterly dismissive of anything that’s important to me, uses guilt, recreational anxiety and self pity to get her own way and I only ever communicate with her out of obligation. They turned me into a mess, a target for other narcissists to pick me up, play around with me for a while and then discard me when they inevitably got bored of me. I’ve never been able to accurately communicate what I want or how I feel. It’s only since disentangling myself from a horror show of a marriage with a viciously manipulative, fake nice narc of villainous proportions that I’ve met someone who’s helped me to see the actual value in myself and slowly, but surely grow a self-esteem. I have a child who I’m determined to do right by, to validate and love on his own terms, because I will right the wrongs of my past. But at the same time, I will never be free of what my ‘parents’ did to me.
I always say and think that people with that kind of parenting style should never, ever consider having children at all and putting them through that kind of life. It’a the most selfish thing anybody can do, in my opinion. People are born for a reason because they are needed in this world. So with that, we’re all glad you are here with us in this game called life.
I read the whole thing and god bless you 😊😇🙏
Leaving my toxic family was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. At first it’s scary not knowing what to expect from the world but after a while, you realize not everyone is as toxic as your parents/family.
A huge weight will be lifted after going no contact and even though I still suffer cptsd, I feels so much more safer and ok to tackle the world and live my life😊
I need to do the same way if I have the opportunity. Living with my own family doesn't make me feel safe at all compared when the times I was at work or with the companion of other people. Living with them is like a hell I need to endure every single day of my entire life.
It's peculiar to learn that not everyone had the toxic upbringing. And those people don't always understand how we can still be affected by it well into adulthood.
The toxicity comes from alcoholic father and nagging mother that lacks empathy and a major life event that destroyed my adulthood, from becoming a healthy adult with a stable job. Their toxicity worsened as they realized that I did not achieve my education, career goals and was not financially stable, which resulted in a gloating feeling that they were always right that I was a failure, weakling, coward, not able to make decisions without them, or having always been ill. They undermined my future so that then they can continue their torture.
I'm glad you were able to get away from your toxic family and I hope you're doing better. I honestly wish that all of us could also get away from our toxic families as well because none of us deserve to be treated horribly by family
True I hope that ain't me cause I can leave now
Alternative title to this video could be a description of my childhood! 😂This is such important information. There was so little out there when I first started researching this 11 years ago. Thank you for this valuable channel!!
Instead of worrying abt why im failing school or why im trying new things..the only thing ahe does is use it against me,argue with me,or say i dont need a phone or friends. Same with my dad
My father meets a lot of these traits. My mother meets some too. I don’t have children, but I’ve noticed that I’ve developed some toxic behaviors in social situations as well. Most of my toxicity is directed at my family, but it’s emerged because I have a poor understanding of boundaries and am very insecure. I don’t have much of a sense of self at all. I’m trying to get better, but it’s a long road. I have to deal with a lot of wounds
Same my dad forces me to hang out with him he is emotionally abusive and neglectful doesn’t think of my emotion and after trying to manipulate me and I said no and said he’s being manipulative he has the nerve to say it’s my fault I’m not manipulative one
@@lolaandluna8387 My dad has also since I was a young teen been accusing me of being manipulative, and of using him. When I was in my 20's I confronted him somewhat and it turned out what he described as "manipulative" was actually just persuasive, as in being very good at having good arguments for something and very open about what I was trying to argue for (not normally what people think of as "manipulative), and he further admitted that I had yet to actually "use him" though he 'feared' it. However, pointing out to him that I wasn't manipulative (as other people understood the term) and had never used him (by his own admission) didn't stop him telling anyone who'd listen that I was. Still does, 3 decades later.
I have just recently realized that this isn't about me at all. Never really was. But about him- he is the manipulative one, the one who uses people. As a father, husband, any sort of family "man" he utterly stinks, as he is always puts his own needs first and expected his wife and family naturally to set aside any needs that they had for his convenience. Any time he was inconvenienced by necessity due to family considerations, we were all made to feel what a major imposition it was on him.
I'm literally in this exact situation rn :/
Grandfather - uncles - father #BloodyPatriarchy
My late parents had their toxic moments, but still at the end of the day they loved me and my siblings.
The video didn't say that toxic parents don't love their children but sometimes you can deeply hurt samone that you love because you are to blind / lost to see that you have a toxic. Of course you talking about something personal so i don't say something about that . Just take what you said and make point general
@@BlackRose-vz7ry 😐
Yeah of course parents may still love their kids despite abusing them. Im curious to know how much of these "toxic moments" occured. Sounds a little like you're trying to excuse it, no offense.
@@BlackRose-vz7ry this is the case for me they are good as a mother and father but both are constantly fighting and i hate them for that,so i feel like my feelings are mixed ,don’t know whether to love them for treating me good as parents or hate them for making the home environment toxic and full of stress because of their fightings
I have the same feelings. It's hard to understand what "love" actually means when someone can say they love you but then yell and scream and terrorize you as a child. I had food and shelter, but now as an adult I'm depressed and alone and pretty dysfunctional. Lots of anger... :/
If you searched for these videos and you are experiencing abuse, I hope you escape from these people and be healed soon. You are not alone. It is really hard dealing with them especially when they are supposed to be the closest people to you.
i can relate to all of this... i feel little comfort that i am not the only one who is suffering like this.
The thing is that maybe you have an argument / fight with them and the next day It's like it's never happend
oml fr
i feel lucky to have my mom. she’s very kind and supporting and never forces her opinion on me
I'd do anything not to understand what growing up in an abusive environment is like.
It's so encouraging to hear that there ARE good moms out there
I love the messages psych2go videos carry, it is possible to work on such issues and its true. As a child, I experienced every point mentioned in this video in varying degrees. I have been undergoing therapy for last 4 years. It has been a life changing experience.
4:57 I felt it! Like really felt it when you said they tend to question people's intentions and unable to accept someone's kindness. My friends or even strangers whenever they are kind, I feel like they have bad intentions and might be trying to cover up their evil intentions by ACTING GOOD!
My parents have REALLY MESSED ME UP!
Todoroki showing up made me laugh through the tears.
the jojo refrence was also funny
Innit😂
It's actually really shocking for me how i always thought I am the problem,until I can see my parents fitting into every characteristics of not only this video but similar videos
I'm really sorry to all the people who have these kinds of parents. My parents are lovely and they are literally the best parents, Alhamdulillah. They have always told me I can be anything I want when I grow up, and after reading all these comments and after realising how bad parents can be, I am reallly grateful for my parents. I hope all of u find love as well
-14 yr old girl
I remember the time when I realized what they both had done to my life, and started to set my own boundaries. My mother then became more nice to me, buy me stuff, whatever she could so I'd be that stupid child of her again.
She said sorry for the first time in my life, then started scolding at me and called me ungrateful, emotionless and every shittiest thing she could like she had always done. And that moment, I knew very well, people would never change, and so would I.
I will never forgive those evils, every single thing they've said and done. They ruined my life, gave me social anxiety, panic attacks, depressions and so on.
Despite the fact that they were being abused as a child, I didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Trying to work my ass off so I could get out of this place and never looking back
Toxic parents can put their children, adult or otherwise, in uncomfortable or even dangerous situations without any respect for their feelings or safety. "They may not keep their kids safe, or may make poor choices that put their kids in danger," McBain says.😢😢😢
I lived with my aunt. When I worked nights, she'd wake me mid-afternoon "to spend time with the family"
I told her to let me rest, so I wouldn't come driving exhausted in the morning. I told her that I was often scared of falling asleep behind the wheel because I wasn't resting enough.
She called me selfish and wouldn't stop. One day going as far as making me set an alarm before noon (less than 5 hours of sleep) and then asking me why I was up so early. She tried to gaslight me, saying I set the alarm on my own accord.
Luckily I never crashed, but I do recall falling asleep for a few seconds, and it was so scary.
After 20+ years of living with my Mom, and my husband being attacked verbally by her when she came to our home to visit, this video hits home for me…. I struggle to make her and my Dad proud in school and feel like a failure if I don’t reach that goal, and I CONSTANTLY hear her voice if I make a mistake no matter how small. I’m 25, about to be a mother myself in less than a month, and yet she’s still treating me like a child, guilting me into her control…. She has yet to apologize sincerely to me for hurting me and my husband for hurting us emotionally and mentally. We’re going to set up boundaries with her and I’m hoping she respects them…. This still hurts because I love my Mom… Number one AND two has haunted me since I was a teenager…
First of all its never a child's responsibility to prove themselves to a parent. I hope you one day understand and find it in your heart that it was never your fault. Your parents were the ones asking for so much and not hearing you out instead. (I may be projecting a bit so my apologies I'm just speaking from a familiar experience) For me it was a hard pill to swallow that it wasnt my responsibility to please my parents especially at a very young age now I do it for myself(I'm 18 btw). A child doesn't owe an adult anything. I also read somewhere that maybe the reason our parents still treat us like a child is because sometimes people like to only still see the version where they held the most power over us where we couldn't speak up for ourselves and we couldn't do anything about it bc you know we were kids and we had to 'obey'. But now since ur an adult making your own moves she perhaps feels like she has no control over you so she goes back to treating you like child. Because that where they had the most power over us. Also english isn't my first language so thank you for reading this if you do
I'm glad you are realizing and understanding the toxicity of her actions and words. Being able to get a clear view helps. Also, boundaries help! But to be honest, she probably won't respect them, you'll probably have to enforce them. So just prepare yourself, and do that. There are many good videos on that subject. After she finally adjusts, it may get better then.
Leave her to her way of life. Never wait till she apologizes because it is not likely to happen...
@@layback195 yeah they try to manipulate you in ANY way to secure their power. I visited my parents when my kid was 4, my mom took the child and left me useless. Like always.
You just need a real man. No woman will yell at me in my home, my castle, my domaine. Women need to KNOW men provide. We provide shelter/protection. Something women need and can not get, much less maintain, without men. Women offer children. The miracle of life. Again, no one will raise their voice in aggression for very long in my home. I regulate that. That is my job. What’s a woman’s?
At first I didn't want to see this video, but I am glad I did. The majority of the the traits described is what I went through with my mother. Heck, when I was 12 I lost weight and I was developing nicely, so my mom began to see me as a threat for her because of the step-dad. I thank God that these last four years I had professional help to get me through my trauma.
My mother was and still is toxic, even into her 70s and I have almost no contact now thank goodness. When called out on her behaviour she plays the victim, “everybody hates me, nobody loves me”
I feel you have a great day god bless you 😊😇🙏✌