Chapter 13 Telling friends and family you're autistic
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- čas přidán 3. 06. 2023
- Chapter 13 recapping my unexpected Autism and ADHD year: this week I'm talking about the pros and cons of telling friends and family you're autistic and when to do it once you yourself have realised. I'll talk about why I wanted to tell people but why it's also ok if you want to keep your diagnosis just to yourself.
People might react well when you tell them, people might react badly, others just won’t really care or be that interested. And it kind of doesn’t matter. It’s YOUR inner life and inner understanding of yourself, not theirs. However people react, you’re now living your authentic life and being the authentic you. You finally know yourself and have agency over yourself and the world around you, you’re going to realise maybe for the first time that you're driving a different car and that you can be a driver not a passenger from now on.
Please do like and share this video and subscribe to my channel, or message me to get in touch and connect.
I'm going to keep posting the link to the AQ Self Test for autism every Sunday in case this is the first video in the series people come across. Take the self test (remember it's JUST a self-test) and see how you score. You may have been autistic all along and had no idea, like me:
psychology-tools.com/test/aut...
Email: amineurodivergent@gmail.com
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Your channel is one of the most clear, heartfelt and delightful ones out there. Thanks for reaching out and thanks for the time you put into these programs! 🎉🎉🎉
Thanks so much for the lovely comment!
Agree!
"Talky Bastards!" 😂😂😂 . . . Haven't finished watching this yet, but just had to comment on this hilarious quip.
So I take it that’s a ‘no’ to the PowerPoint presentation pack tailored for specific audiences entitled “See??? *This* is why!”
😂
Anne! 😂 You do you - every situation's different and there are probably no hard and fast rules! I owe you an email response too, my inbox has been swamped. Hope you're well and you got your assessment results??
When I told one of my nearest and dearest, they wanted an explanation. It was early days, so I was not very conversant in the language and explaining it, but I was excited about it. There was a lot to say and they kept asking questions and needing clarification, so I kept trying. In the end they said, “Are you sure you want to keep going down this path? You’re going to drive yourself insane.” It was infuriating because first of all, THEY wanted the explanation, and second what am I going to do just turn around and forget about it and go back to how I was before? How would that even work? It can be a long, hard road with some people. Then there’s my (also Autistic) adult son who just took it in his stride and didn’t question it and neither did he give the proverbial ‘well I could have told you that years ago’. We can now talk on a level we hadn’t done before.
It is strange different people's reactions. A friend of mine got an assessment and diagnosis a few months after I did and took it much better than I did - a calm "oh okay cool, that makes sense", whilst I completely turned myself inside out processing it. He's tended to be less of a 'people pleaser' than I had been over the years and just forged his own path. I think if you've maybe masked and often exhausted yourself trying to meet other peoples' expectations over the years, it can maybe be a bit of a harder realisation to reconcile - almost like a "god, I wasted a lot of time and effort trying to fit a mould I didn't fit..." As for your friend's very rigid expectations about getting an explanation for THEM, I wonder if next week's planned video might be applicable ....... to be continued .....
Thank you for these videos. They’re in a great, systematic, and understandable order, which is so helpful for me as I navigate my quest on discovering if I’m on the spectrum.
One thing I’ve struggled with during making notes is, I have real difficulty remembering things from my childhood, but every now and then I remember something where I'm like 'oh yea that seems obvious', and my family are pretty oblivious to what autism actually is, so while they remember some things, even those things were pretty 'normal' to them, because it was just 'how I am', stuff like:
• Sound sensitivity issues
• Walking on tip-toes
• Issues talking/communicating when I was younger (which they thought were 'hearing' issues)
• watching the washing machine being my 'favourite tv show'
• issues with seams, tags, and tightness in socks & clothing. Including gagging when having to have my top button fastened or if a crew neck t-shirt was too close for comfort, and hating mittens and other things that felt like I was restricted (felt like my fingers were stuck together)
• Never wanting to get messy or dirty
• Apparently called my dad fat & he didn't speak to me for 3 days (I never noticed)
• Taking toys and things apart, always interested in how things work
• Never having friends, spent a lot of time alone
• Never shutting up about a special subject (For me it was/is magic, as in 'magic tricks')
Those were just things that my parents know and remember, but never attributed to anything. There's a whole other list of stuff that was more internal/unseen, that they'd have a harder time comprehending.
If I were to read the above list as if it was written by someone else, I'd think 'oh yea, it definitely seems like they could be on the spectrum', but I fluctuate between believing I must have it, to thinking I’m making it all up. Just this lingering doubt in the back of my head, it's turmoil.
What kind of things can you remember from your childhood that relate to autism? How much of your childhood did you have to have knowledge of? Did your family believe you, help you remember stuff etc?
Yeah, that definitely sounds like a pretty comprehensive list. The 'making it all up thing' is very common, have a look at my Chapter 7 video on Autistic Imposter Syndrome if your get a chance - I definitely, alongside a metric ton of us, went through this phase and came out (mostly) stronger on the other side. My parents helped me remember a lot of stuff after the light switch went off for me and I started asking about what I was like as a kid (but that they didn't necessarily think it was odd, they just thought it was "how I was"). But I was listening to things they were saying about what I was like without guiding them towards certain confirmatory things, e.g. things they would say like focussing for hours on lining up my toy cars, walking round the perimeter of nursery (kindergarten) before deciding what to do/ who to interact with, that from my research I was thinking "Tick, Tick" - and their recollections actually spurred more private/ personal recollections from me about my childhood that they wouldn't have known about: hiding from the other kids at birthday parties when I got overwhelmed etc, that there was little doubt I was ticking all (or at least a sizeable percentage of) the boxes even before I went in for a formal diagnosis. All of what you've said above sounds pretty consistent with noted characteristics of kids on the spectrum.
I, like many other Audhders am a verbal processor who makes sense of something by talking about it but not necessarily by their dialogue. It's how I explain it to myself. So I've found myself almost info dumping to process things myself.
Yes - this! I discovered therapy for the very first time last year (having previously looked down my nose at that sort of thing) and by far the biggest relief for me was one-way verbal info dumping to help me process things. I've been a journaller all my life but this added unguarded (unmasked) verbal element where we don't have to "take turns" has been tremendous. You're just allowed to info dump all your frustrations and reflections and then (if you're lucky) receive some wisdom and external reflections at the end of it that you can usually take away and help you process further and move forward to the next element.
@@amineurodivergent I have tried journalling but I don't hear myself in the same way. The trouble is I don't want friends to become jaded with my conversations and I'm feeling I'm having to edit myself (masking again) around friends. There just aren't the spaces where we can express things outside of our relationships or therapeutic spaces, so your channel really helps to normalise these issues. Group work would be very good I imagine, and I'm scheduled to join a group of newly diagnosed adults sometime this year. This is part two of the post diagnosis support package I was fortunate to receive. Even hearing someone else disclose something that we ourselves experience is very normalising and affirming.
@@joparker8325 Agree and good luck - I eventually got access to a post diagnostic support group and it really was quite validating to hear all the duplications that others experience. Weird little things that I thought were just me, others saying 'yep, yep, yep' and mentioning other quirky things I do too. We're all individuals but it's funny how similar a lot of our responses and reactions to things can be.
When I told my best friend "I think I might be autistic," he said "Yeah, of course you are! I could tell as soon as I met you!" 🤣
Like attracts like and I'm finding that my family and friends are probably ND too so of course we all think we're normal and it's the rest of the world that is odd.
Yep, recognise that. Actually going to be the topic of NEXT week's video 😂
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Wow. Your description of feeling passionately in support of a cause but at the same time, unable to do specific things to help really resonated with me. I feel like I have been there! I really relate to everything you are saying. It’s so nice to realize that we are not failing in these things. Just knowing that our brains are wired differently is such a relief from the lifelong agony of wondering what is wrong with us.
Thanks - after I (very belatedly) realised I was neurodivergent, it astounded me just how many of my experiences and reactions to things were, and had been, replicated by others with similar wiring navigating similar waters to me.
My wife (of 40 years) and 29 year old son were both diagnosed with ADHD in recent years. I’ve been tracking CZcams for as much information as I can find to get better insight into what may be happening for them and your observations, assessment and research is by far the best I’ve come across. Thank you!
Thanks so much for your comment - this feedback is exactly the reason I wanted to do these videos and share what I've been going through, to help others going through a similar journey and to help people close to others going through that journey understand more what it can feel like. I really appreciate your comment - thank you also for being such a good partner and parent, many don't have the curiosity and empathy you are showing.
I totally get the thing about not wanting to interject yourself into someone's day etc. It's completely unbearable for me when someone does that to me.
Your videos are really helpful to me man. I discovered I am autistic about 5 months ago, and I'm waiting to start my assessment in about two months. I'm in the limbo.
I know right?? I think that's why I hate making unsolicited phone-calls as well - because I hate to get them. Good luck with your journey, all the best!
My sister found out!!!!
Told me she dosn't believe it , that i should forget it and that she shared a room with me and knows me, im just an over thinker ,she looks after autistic kids and she should know!!!!!!!
I has Taken me down a spiral for a month so far , trying to claw my way up out of this depressive hole.
I'm so sorry to hear your sister has reacted like this. If she knew autism like she claims she does, she'd would know it's a spectrum condition and would be more curious rather than telling you point blank that you're not. She doesn't know the inside of your head, no one other than you does. It's very disappointing to hear that such closed-minded people work with autistic kids, in all honesty, they deserve better and more understanding care than this. It is, by definition, a spectrum condition and presents differently in different people. I'm sorry her ignorance about ASD has caused you depression. Her reaction is HER reaction, and there are often deeply reasons people react in ways that make us unhappy, but remember that her overreaction to YOUR journey is a ) selfish, b) ignorant, and c) reflective of her own insecurities, not yours. I send you strength to rise above, keep learning about yourself with curiosity, have sympathy for her reactions, and try to forgive her for those reactions in time.
Thank you for this awesome series. I had to laugh when you described the way an autistic person is likely to share this information by writing out a cogent and heavily edited explanation. I really saw myself in that description. Looking forward to your other videos.
I just got stamped. Seems beyond obvious now but it took decades of confusion to arrive at the truth. I had my standard vs. automatic car metaphor epiphany around the same time you posted this video. Wondering if everyone over age 35 who finds out they're autistic thinks hey, I'm a stick shift.
🤣could well be! And they say we struggle with metaphors and similes ...
Nice job, again!
Thank you, I'm trying!
Thank you so much!! Your Videos are soooo helpful!!
You're very welcome - thank you so much for watching them, it genuinely makes the effort of thinking about and recording them worthwhile!
I just realized im auzi in Oct. im 47 and totally wrped frm it.
Another great video - thank you! Your experience and insights help me a lot; especially the reminder that how people act or react to this news is about *them*, not about me.
And I'm laughing over here about: let's be real, you're gonna send a painstakingly perfectly written text! I've told my son, my best friend, and my sister, - all in person - all of whom have been positive and supportive. I'm contemplating telling two long-time friends, both former co-workers, and I know they're gonna be happy for me that I figured this out.
Sounds like you have good friends and family. There will be the odd 'strange' reaction as you let more people know, but as you say - it's *THEIR* reactions, and actually little to do with you - and it sounds like you've had a pretty good strike ratio so far. That makes me pleased to hear!
I was so happy when I got my diagnosis because it meant in my brain I wasn't a nut case. I wanted to scream disgusting naughty words at past teachers however I kept it to a fantasy world in my head.
I did however just ramble on to my late step mum on the phone and she made me laugh so hard when she asked if it was life threatening. As for anyone else, I just have a scripted small talk capacity that I just focus on them. Nts love to talk about themselves.
Oops I forgot to mention that my husband and children didn't need telling as we are the normal ones and it's the rest out there that a cuckoo 😅
Yep yep, all of this rings true. I also have a couple of school teachers I also wanted to absolutely yell at after finding out I was autistic for the way they treated me and ran my self esteem into the ground as an adolescent and teen. Me and other kids I am now fairly certain were also on the spectrum: teachers who hold 'odd' kids up for mockery and have the 'normal' kids laugh at them as figures of fun. What utterly contemptible human beings they were, let alone the way some of them were held up to be 'great' teachers. I abhor violence but I'd happily go back in time and punch at least two of them in the face. Until I remember I'm a calm, grounded fella now and I do my box breathing and everything's just hunky dory and they were all just part of lifes rich pageant.
I have been picking and choosing who I tell for two reasons: 1. I'm self-identified rather than officially diagnosed, 2. It feels like information that could be misused by some such as people I am not close to. Number 2 refers to the fact that discrimination is the easiest trick in the book, especially for allistic individuals, who tend to be better at "selective truth telling", and the hardest to prove in order to put a stop to it, through appropriate channels.
Started by telling my adult daughter- she seemed a bit relieved like her mother now made better sense to her. I do not fit the unspoken requirement for females (or stereotype) of bubbly, effusive, skillful with feelings, wanting to do makeup and fashion kind of mom; I do fit the rational, excellent with problem-solving, teaching cool skills like winter camping, science, or math, showing care by acts of service (cooking, simple repairs, remembering your favorite_______ fill in the blank) type of mom.
Then I told my partner. His response was "I don't know much about autism," knowing what he does know from autistically coded characters from television and movies (most of which I have not seen). I don't make a point to educate him on it, per se, but I do make note of the differences between us. I'm very slow to, and have a hard time identifying emotions, and our sensory differences: light touch, including non-sexual, feels creepy as hell to me; a firm hug from him is good. I don't expect him to become an expert on the topic, I just want to give the information that helps him to understand me well enough for us to get along.
At work, it's not stated but kind of signaled to the few people it makes any difference to: things such as flagging social energy by the end of the day (I can't even pretend). I'm not mad, my face just looks that way. I don't deal well with interruptions, and please don't preface an interruption with reams of small talk or I will actually begin to feel mad. For better or worse, I am willing to tell the truth about things that need to be said and I rarely mince words. Sometimes to get to the bottom of conflict, work things out, and improve systems, the elephant in the room (whatever it is) has to be named.
The most challenging (for her) revelation, oddly enough was to a therapist, one who is trained in assessments for autism and providing therapy to people with autism, as well as allistics. When I first mentioned it a while back, her response was she didn't think so. A while later I came back (after a group educational experience where I met and spent about a week with several other autistics), and I told her that it really wasn't important to me to have it diagnosed (had not asked her to diagnose in the first place). I told her that I felt it was a pretty handy set of operating assumptions that made many elements of my life make sense. It didn't matter to me whether or not she agreed, because when I take it into consideration and build into my life things that help with sensory differences, etc., I feel better. After that, she agreed. Whether she agreed to avoid losing a therapy client or whether she actually sees it is not important to me. It seems like she does join my way of thinking about it since we have been working on things that can help specifically with navigating difficulties experienced due to autism. I don't in every case agree with her approach (and I tell her so), but it doesn't prevent me from wanting to work with her. She is a pretty skilled therapist and I like her.
I have spoken to two of the people I met in the educational experience who are also autistic, and both are supportive.
To me, part of the value of telling others is how I feel and think about myself. There is much greater congruence, which helps self-esteem and energy. It took a lot of energy to attempt to live as an allistic, even before I was aware that I wasn't. I'm less struck by the "Why did this have to be so hard?" and more by "Great, now it doesn't have to be so hard. What (cool/fun/important) things might I be able to do, now that I get to have a good amount of the wasted energy back?"
Acts of service is an equally valid , I believe the term is, 'love language' in my opinion. Thanks for sharing your sharing, if that makes sense, that's a really interesting after-aspect of all this that I haven't really explored in great depth to date - I'm arguably not great at recognising emotions and bringing natural warmth into relationships with family and friends, though I definitely feel connected and close to those I feel connected and close to; I'm not particularly tactile either, so a lot of what you're saying is very relatable, as is naming the elephant in the room where there's work conflict -not always welcomed, it seems!
Again, your conclusions around not looking back with anger on how difficult the past was, but looking forward with positivity and compassion and recovering wasted energy are genuinely heartening and inspiring. Thank you for sharing them on here.
University disability department when discussing possible resources "You're getting A's what's your problem?" Plus all the combinations you referred to. Also the "aaaah that makes sense!" but not backed up with why it makes sense to them and said in a derogatory way as if there's something they considered odd about me all along (which they probably did) but to utter such a comment is so insulting.
You're getting A's, what's your problem - so frustrating, and so common. Ok, maybe we're getting by and surviving now at a good 'level', but major burnout spotted through the binoculars coming at us fast if we don't shift lanes. And WE'RE supposed to be the ones who have trouble projecting future events .....
Yeah, my 29 yr old daughter didn't take it well and I'm still coming to terms with that. She has walked back a bit of her reaction but, for me, the damage isn't repaired yet. I've clammed up with her over it. It's only been a month since my diagnosis and a week or so that I got the report with the details of an ASD2 plus ADHD all types diagnosis. So I'm processing it all, hardcore. It doesn't help my IQ is abnormally high so I'm competent at masking but not so much that she couldn't help but acknowledge "you've had a hard life, mum" which she assumed was why I THOUGHT I was autistic, my response was "No, I've had a hard life BECAUSE I'm Autistic".
That's a tough one to deal with, hopefully once everyone's had more time to sit with it, it all settles and allows people more time to reflect and be compassionate and work through what it means/ has meant together.
4:57 Honestly, my family knows I’m autistic, and they still treat me like I’m just being difficult for the sake of being difficult, and refuse to accommodate for me. And whenever I exit a situation due to lack of accommodation, they take it as a personal offense, and tell me I need to “grow up” and “deal with it.”
Sorry - that's hard. People's reactions are their own reactions, it's not on you, but it doesn't make it any easier when they react that way even when they know. Have you shared resources with them to help them understand?
@@amineurodivergent I’ll definitely consider it. Thanks for the advice.
16:24-33 "up until now" and "have been struggling"... like it has somehow ended?
😊😊😊🎉
I'm sorry but the green party?! Have a word!! Just so I don't get knuckle punched I meant this in jest....however politics give me itchy tics ....as you were 😁
Well if the Greens give you the itchy tics, I'd better not mention I briefly worked for the Lib Dems before that. I love politics. Well that's not true, I hate politics. But I love observing politics. The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. Surely. Any day now.
Why do you accept the "disorder" label? Isn't neurodivergence a statistical reality? Every brain is different, most are "average", some are considered "outliers".
Wasn't that label, that "diagnosis", invented by a N@zi scientist almost 100 years ago?
I am highly sensitive and intellectually gifted, so not the same as you exactly, so I am genuinely curious as to why you would just accept that you are "disordered".
I don't - I say in a large number of my videos that autism/ neurodivergence should be referred to as a "difference" not a "disorder". In fact that's one of the key messages I try to get across in this series, so I feel really sad if the opposite's come across here.