Grey Rock Role Play - Narcissistic Mother - Wedding
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 21. 07. 2024
- Grey Rock Role Play - Narcissistic Mother - Wedding
Power differentials. Suggestions.
When to use grey rock: sig others, siblings, family, equal relationships.
When to be careful about using grey rock: supervisors, bosses, authority relationships where we have a subordinate role.
Narcissistic Mother Video Mentioned đ„
âą Narcissistic Mother - ...
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:26 Connect With Me
0:44 Grey Rock Method
2:21 Scenario Explanation
3:27 Reactive Daughter Role-Play
6:57 Grey Rock Daughter Role-Play
10:09 Recap of Role-Play
12:18 Final Thoughts
12:36 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
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If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
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"You seem sleepy" "I'm worried about you" etc. Such manipulation when assert your boundaries. Its a way to break you down so you can submit. Remember, they want you to think that something is always wrong with YOU.
Hear Hear!! Absolutely! Always there is something wrong with you if you in any way differ to the needs of the narc mother!
@@Amaterasu_990 100%. If my mum doesn't hear back from me she starts saying I need to at least tell her I'm ok. Oh I'm ok, that's why I'm not talking to you.
Yes my mom says stuff like this to me but she's more covert in her other tactics. She's an expert gaslighter, I had no idea what that really was until my dr. recommended a book about emotional manipulation. Channels like this (especially this one I think) really help too.
my adoptive mother lied about my parenting abilities to corrupted social workers to invalidate and tarnish my reputation and destroy my family all bcoz of her own insecurities and inner resentments towards me!
@@Amanda-vc1lp can you please tell us the title of the book and the author? Thank you đ€đ
At 40 years old I finally did this technique with my mother. After not even one month of phone calls like this she chose never to speak to me again....and three years later I can confirm she is still gone. When they run out of supply they dispose of you like trash....just be prepared. My life has never been more peaceful.
I can confirm this. I didnât speak to my mother a month after my son was born. I refuse to not protect my son from what I went through. My first child... her first grandchild... itâs been five months and counting
So helpful, thank you for the heads up. And congratulations!
Way to go Jennifer!!!!
So true
proud of you Jesus loves you
Iâd love to see a similar role play with the mother being a covert narcissist. I believe my mom has narcissistic tendencies but sheâs not exactly like the mother in this scenario. Itâd be more like sheâd volunteer me for something and then guilt me into it more subtly, and instead of getting outright angry sheâd probably play the role of the martyr.
Yes! I agree! My parent is covert and it would not go down like this, I think there would have to be a different manner of gray rocking with a covert narcissist...
@handbag agreed! Some narcissists are a bit softer. The execution is different, but the intent is still there. Comments like "Well if it really mattered to you..." or "I guess I'll make the sacrifice, because otherwise no one else will." Really are manipulative in their own way. Just because they don't yell, doesn't mean they aren't spitting venom.
Heâs got a video of a role play with a covert narc father on this channel that may be more relevant for you.
@@zhenya9302 Thank you!! Iâll look for it!
Same. Sheâs sooo good at it. Iâd never know what hit me. Thatâs why it took me over thirty years to figure it out!
The most real thing about this is that the mom said the same thing regardless of the daughter's reaction. People like the mom really don't care what you say or do, they do what they want regardless.
So true! These role plays really show that there's no way to behave that will make a narcissist respect you or listen to you. For those of us who have spent years going crazy, wondering what we did wrong, it's such an eye opener.
exactly! in real life it simply does not work with such people.
That's why we cut them aut of our lifes - so we don't have to LISTEN - to theyr đđ©đœđżđ€Ąđ€ŹđŁđ„â anymore.
do your sisters makeup or we will disown you lol at that point its easier to say you cant fire me cuz i quit!
Mother:"I'll make sure you don't get to sit with us at the wedding"
Daughter: "Cool, a bonus result!"
Lol I was thinking the same thing. Sometimes you don't have to distance yourself because the people with the toxic behaviors will start to realize that they can no longer get a rise from you or manipulate you when you start to grey rock and assert boundaries
maybe i will find a cooler family at the wedding who can adopt me into their tribe lol
đ€I thought the same
it's like a reward
What I took from this video, and what I realised I struggle with, is that you have to be OK with your parent/family members not liking you. You have to accept they don't like you and that is VERY hard.
They don't like themselves
@@catherinesinclair7727 I see that now and have to remind myself of that, thank you
@@mynameisprivate3712 glad it helped...It's a hard thing to come to terms with when you realise both these things. Sending you best wishes
They
1.don't like you
2. Don't love you
3. Enjoy seeing you hurt
4. Enjoy either by hurting you directly
5. Enjoy getting other people to hurt you
6. Enjoy watching other people hurt you
7. Will discard you as trash
8. Will praise you, when you are not there, in order to fell/take credit for your success
Honey, they _already_ don't like you. A narcissist isn't even capable of love. Ask yourself this- do they respect you? If they actually liked you, they would.
Just realize, they never "liked you", that feeling isn't in them, and it's NOT your fault. They are counting on your decent, human emotions to keep you stuck with them forever. Leave while you still can.
That *EEAAARGH* was much more triggering than I thought it would be. My heart rate went way up! What a good actor! đ
Me too! My dad used to get like that and yell in my ear until I heard buzzing. I donât understand how someone can get so totally unhinged around a child.
Same - literally gave me shivers
If they can't make you chase their validation, they can't control you
YESSSSS!!!!
Boom
đđđđđđđđ
Well said
You know that your parents maybe have some narcissistic tendencies if you are watching this video as a grown up and thinking, "My parents will be so mad at me if they find out I watched, let alone, commented on this video."
(Who else realized they grey rock even before they realized this was a term?)
My mom would be like "Why are you watching that?" and act dumb.
SAME.
I had that feeling bubble up in me as I read you describing it đ
I definitely used this and just learned the term today. For me it was survival but I felt guilty every time, now I feel released and validated. â€
I'm not surprised that happens. At some point, you realize you no longer have the energy to entertain them anymore
ohhh, this is so SATISFYING to watch, as a child of a narcisstic parent!!
It is really well played, i agree!!
I just got scared and had to pause so many times bc I felt like I was being screamed at lmao XD
Lol so relatable indeed. Although my mom is less extreme than that. But the idea is there.
It really is satisfying..
The grey rock part had me in a giggle fit because I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my sister, "Nope, not doing it, your problem." lol
Ditto
Yesssss! Lol I was so happy at the end!
I noticed two especially interesting points from the grey rock daughter: 1, she told her mom upfront that she only had a few minutes to talk, and 2, when her mom tried to bait her with how this would make her "look", the daughter said "You'll look how you'll look mom."
One is creating boundaries while the other is refusing to engage. This clearly takes a lot of practice and focus. Great video today Patrick!
Thank you for your notes. đ
Iâve been studying gray rock videos for pointers.
Yes, great example of demonstrating verbal judo without using an aggressive tone or language. Iâve done this with a spouse. She decided I no longer gave her what she needed and Iâve been discarded. Iâve lived on my own since August and do not wonder how she *really* feels about me or if that thing I did for her was done right. Because the answer always is: she has no real feelings to wonder about, only reactions that suited her in the moment. And, she couldnât care less how something was done so long as she could see me doing as I was asked/told.
For the women viewing videos on narcissism, and have a narcissistic male partner your situation is likely more difficult than mine. I did not have worries about my partner is committing acts of physical violence against me. I wish everyone well.
shes the matriarch her and her flying monkeys will disown you
The ever changing bar of approval. Chased it for 50 years and finally went no contact.
Me too!
Me three! Took me until I was 54! This was my last resort but I was finally left with no choice. (I do struggle daily with the fact that theyâre 77, and now alone during Covid but thatâs the consequences of his actions, right?). No Contact is best thing I ever did for me, though. Despite the worry and all the deep dive work Iâm doing on myself, Iâm sleeping better, have lost 22 pounds and counting, and feel more positive overall.
Good for you. NC saved my sanity. â€ïž
Exact same here!
Me five!
"You sounds sleepy" was such a genius addition to this- I had no idea other people had experienced this, and it honestly lightened my anxiety around this phrase so much.
Its seems like she was trying to show the daughter that something is wrong with her
My parents would go to weight shaming or implying i was lazy.. Or my favorite, "maybe if you put on some makeup, you wouldn't be so..." fill in the blank.. đłđ
the mom is worried about your stability meanwhile she needs an exorcism
i was doing a technique like this years before finding out that it was a "technique," and i got "are you high?" quite a few times from my mother
"You sound sleepy"
"You sound depressed"
"Are you melancholic?"
They always try to hook you into a conversation where you are not careful, trip over your words and finally admit in doing everything for them đ
I laughed, I had someone tell me something similar when I grey rocked them
One time my mom kept going on and on and on and wouldnt let me get off the phone with her. Finally, I said "Ok gotta go, I'm gonna go to Starbucks." and she went on another 10 minute rant about how I shouldnt spend that much money on coffee. I got so fed up that I said, I'm not going but I am gonna get off the phone now. She said "Oh, you shouldnt say that to people." God, so exhausting talking to these energetic vampires.
I would say 'just hang up'
But that would be weird bc I can't do that ^^'
I hope you're alright ^^
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 I know, and the repercussions of having to deal with the guilt until they speak to you again. Iâm getting there, but every day it is so draining even thinking about it. We can do it!
Lol i just hang up or dont answer its pointless
Just say thereÂŽs someone knocking at the door and you have to go, donÂŽt let them respond and just hang up. No need to go through all that.
@@hypatia4754 agree with this technique - a white lie that works with them
"You seem sleepy" oh my gosh, my mother said the exact same thing to me the other day.
I hear you! Mine, âYou seem sleepy... Oh, youâre not wearing any eye makeup.â
Such a way to patronize and project that something is always wrong with you đ
On some level they recognize the grey-rocking. My parents used to call me boring when I was a teen and grey rocked them instinctually.
Yeh!
My mother does it with another sentence:
When I am watching something, I tend to be totally focused and I look basically dead or really mad bc I frown XD
And when my mother looks at me she would go 'Everything alright, dear?' or 'Are you mad?'
Same goes for when I am scrolling on my phone 'You are looking down, is there something?' Ofc I look down, I look at my phone haha
But in fact, she doesn't really care if I'm alright. She just asks that to appear caring and so I won't have a reason to say otherwise
yes and " you look tired" when you are actually angry .
After I started learning about this stuff, I realized that my oldest brother does grey rock with my parents, and all of us actually. Even though that hurts for me that we don't have a good relationship, I realize now that he was the scapegoat of the family, and for years I bought my parents' narrative about him being the bad child and accepted it as fact, even though I was not there to witness any of the stuff they told me about, because I hadn't been born yet. I hope someday I'll be able to work up the courage to try to have a conversation with him about it, even though I have no idea what the outcome would be.
Im glad to hear this... Iâm the eldest in a family of narcissists and I hope one day my little brothers will be able to understand my grey rock responses to my parentâs abuse and that they also have power to leave the toxic family dynamic.
I finally realized after many years that my Mom said/says negative things about extended family and friends to me and it often turns out to not be true. Then she wonders why people donât come to visit with her. She also keeps a messy house and says if people donât like it, they donât need to come. And again says she doesnât understand why people donât stop in to visit her.
đ§Ąđ-I understand-hun I wish you all the best x I hope it turns out that he does have awareness and purposely chose that action to save himself xx theres hope there-but also be careful-if it turns out heâs âjust detatchedâ because he dosent care-have no expectations and know your great-I had hoped the same but unfortunately he is damaged but much more covert!!!!! I dunno but I hope the best x
When you say "work up the courage" I'm guessing that you're afraid of something. If that's true, what is it you're afraid of? Are you, like, scared if your brother because of alm the gray rocking he did to you? Or is it like, you feel uneasy talking about the abuse with another family member? I'm sorry if I make you feel pressured, I'm just curious
You may be afraid of your brother because you donât know him. Itâs like talking to someone you just met for the first time since your parents created a false image of your brother to you. Itâs okay to feel unsure about how your first real convo will be but if your brother is like me being the eldest sibling then I believe at some point he wanted a relationship with you to the point where it killed him inside because your parents ruined that like they probably did everything else in his life. People like this gossip and slander biblically that is the same as murder because you tear someone down to build yourself up. So if your brother is like me he died inside from either realizing he is not loved by your parents and you since you didnât know any better and believed them unknowingly.
Go to your brother or send a email or text saying something like âIâve been researching our family dynamic and narcissism and I hate I didnât know any better but I want to get to know you without our parents. We donât have to let them know we are talking. Iâm sorry and I love you and want to try to be close to you but our parents ruined that for us. I apologize for them.â
Usually as scapegoats we went most of our life being used because itâs been normalized by our parents. We rarely ever get gratitude or apologizes so you reaching out with love and an apology and he more than likely will return your message. Especially since you are showing him that someone of his own blood especially understands him and he is not losing it.
Edit: I had to break away from my mother and sister because my sister is believes everything that my mom tells her. I donât talk to my mother and sadly now I donât talk to my sister because she is listening to her and when I reach out my sister ignores my calls and texts and seems dead on the phone if we do talk. I fear my mom is grooming her for codependency and to be like her since I was ârebelliousâ and âdisobedientâ for being my own person and she couldnât do that with me. So your brother seeing that you broke the spell may just reach out because he had to escape the entire family for his sanity and health and sadly since you didnât know any better if he still communicated with you then you will unknowingly communicate with your parents and your parents could have used you to lure your brother back in the toxic mix.
Much love and God bless!
My narcissistic mother doesnât act like this at all! She is much more covert with guilt trips where you feel like you have to do what she wants or youâre a bad daughter. She is always the victim. She also would never say any of her kids were âthe bestâ at anything!
Yeah! I got married back in October and my mom was all quiet and "betrayed" when I had to gray rock her for trying to manipulate a say into my wedding plans. It worked at making me feel guilty but fortunately I didn't back track
yes. whats being depicted in this video is much more pushing over to malignant narcissist territory. my mother would feel fine being malignant, or acting wounded and victimized, whatever it took.
There is a video by this youtuber on being a covert narcissist... son and father I think:)
You should ask your mother, Don't you feel guilty about trying to make people feel guilty? I did years ago, the reaction was , more tears, then a tantrum, with lots of people watching.
My mom would actually say,
"I was the perfect mother and I raised two perfect kids"
Omg how delusional
The "what's wrong with you?" is painfully accurate...
Or âyou seem tiredâ and for me thatâs usually added with a âyouâve been working so much, I hate that you work so muchâ
9.50 IS SO ACCURATE! my mom always says i must have a mental health condition whenever I call her out on her behaviour.. Or don't react like she wants wow.
You're the normal one. I used to get, You don't react normally when I speak to you. Says it all really, they don't have normal conversations. I was told years ago, just remember you are dealing with a child in an adults body. What gives them the appearance of confidence is just years of getting their own way, just shrug your shoulders and walk away.
Ditto
Projection
Gaslighting is a common tool like this with my malignant Narcissistic sociopath mother.
Yeah, I was completely baffled by my mom recently saying âmaybe you have bipolar disorderâ when Iâve never exhibited any such symptoms. This finally explained it.
Iâve found with my covert narcicist mother it works best if I Grey rock (act emotionless/boring) her when she says or behaves in ways I donât appreciate, but smile and become very engaging when she acts more adult/appropriately. Itâs like positive reinforcement. I find things have been improving with it.
I really like this. Grey rock takes a lot out of you, but as you reminded me you don't have to use it all the time
I wish this worked with my covert nmom too :/
LOL, this works, but unlike puppies, they can't stick to it. Don't make the mistake of going out of your way to treat them super kindly and doing a lot of stuff for them if they start acting "normal" for a while, because they will slip back into their old skin, real quick, and you'll be the one feeling like you failed yourself for believing things would be different. Don't overestimate them. They can't "change". They don't have the ability to self-reflect, learn and grow from their mistakes. So don't get your hopes up about things being better. With narcs, it's only momentary.
I naturally do that to people and it works well.
Thatâs genius
No joke, I once grey rocked my narcissistic brother, and he got pissed! I could tell he was passive aggressively trying to rope me into an argument, and I wasn't taking the bait. He tried getting in the back door, side door, bulkhead, you name it, nothing worked.
Finally, he lost his cool and grunted just like Dr. Teahan in this video, saying, "Why are you talking like this?!" I just said to him, I don't know what you're talking about and just walked away. He had nowhere to go with that!
I did the same with my narcissistic sibling also. Tried to rope me in right before starting my new life accused me of theft , then accused me of stealing another thing. All I said was âplease give me a list of everything you believe I have taken and I will replace as needed.â Then walked away shut that house door and felt great!
I have a sibling that I need to speak to like this as well. It's horrible to have to deal with this. His line is always "I'm trying to have a conversation or don't you know how to have a conversation". My responses to him are always very dry and minimal. It's sad that it has to be this way but I feel it's necessary.
@@adreamgirl08 Yes, they act like they're just trying to be reasonable, but really, they're just gaslighting people.
My brother legitimately said to me that 'I want to connect with you but YOU are always so overly emotional about everything, we need to find a way to fix that so we can talk'. This man is a misogynist and constantly criticizes and insults me. When I finally started setting boundaries and distancing myself from him he started accusing me of being depressed and that there is something seriously wrong with my mental health (my life is actually going really well I just haven't shared it with him because I don't feel emotional safe with him).
Before I realized what was actually happening I was so confused at to why he kept insisting there was something 'wrong' with me and why I always felt so hollow after sharing my successes. Makes sense now!
@@nattaloane Yes, notice how he said "we" need to find a way to fix this, as if he's so benevolent and willing to help you. We all know it's a ruse!
When a narcissist doesnât get the reaction they want out of you, you can LITERALLY see them boiling. And, it is SO satisfying. Itâs hard, but, SO WORTH ITđ
THE part when she grey rocked was really scary to me. Standing up like that makes me shit my pants haha thank you for this.
You got this!!!đ
Fam I feel the same toođ
Yeah they certainly managed to put the work in so that it makes it daunting to even consider doing this to them
Like for real i only felt how tentioned i was when it ended and i could breathe again
Me too, I felt like I was 10 years old again.
"I'm not doing that." -me.
Yes
The level of emotional manipulation đ€Ż
When you know that the perception of another individual (especially a narcissist) is trivial, grey rocking becomes habitual toward any toxic personality. It almost becomes enjoyable when they get so worked up over you not perceiving them the way they wish you to, the pathetic fragility. đ
Wow, this mirrored my mother and I.
I seemed to have instinctively 'grey rocked' without realising it was even a thing.
No contact for 11 years and its been absolute bliss
The couple of months I've gone with no contact have been great as well. I don't feel guilty at all like I thought I would.
Lol I accidentally laughed at âare you medicated?â đ€Ł
There is such a pile of bad videos on CZcams when it comes to narcissism and toxic people but this channel is the number one exception. Every second is spot on! Thanks so much!
and it's helpful. It has helped me with grieving & moving on.
@@LP-jn4tw Agreed!
So many other channels just talk about "what is narcissism" "signs of narcissism" etc. It's like WE KNOW. This channel actually offers solutions! â„ïž
You should check Sam Vaknin.
Most terms ppl use were coined by him decades ago.
i need role play videos about dealing with a narc ex like when they want my money but are above working lol
This guy could probably write a whole textbook about my mother.
If you said these things to a normal person, then they wouldn't get madder. If someone responded to a request from me like that I would thank them for their time, say "look forward to seeing you at the wedding" and go ask someone else or solve the problem another way. Grey rock seems like basically being normal. It's narcissistic person repellent. I do kind of feel sad when they leave, because they will often get so mad, threaten retailiation and then do a dramatic cut off... and I wish it wasn't that way but I can only control me.
Yes. It makes lots of sense. Narcissistic parent's love is conditional. I wonder if they know how to truly love their children. Their approval of you is short live, then they reject you again, until you do something they want.
Omg! I just witnessed my entire life in this video. Absolutely, the more she tries to hurt me, the funnier she seems to me. I am finally 27 years old and my mom really lost interest in me... Because she has no more power over me, she just no longer has ability to make me feel anything. I choose what I feel and how to behave. My mother can not bear this power I finally earned.))
Once upon a time, she used to do whatever she wanted with me.
Nowadays, whenever she tries to hurt me, she faces my quite attitude , it feels like swimming through the pacific ocean to her.
I will never again give her the privilege to see what I feel.
fabulous
Amen. Itâs taken me much longer than 27 to realize this. Congrats.
Hell yes!
yes, they don't get the privilege of seeing our emotions!
I'm so happy for you - I can't imagine who I could have been if I had found healing while still so young. So go out there - change the world, make a difference!
I also want to add something that truly changed me in the interaction with an NPD parent. Whenever they throw the ball in your court (eg. you're mean! why so secretive? etc), you need to let it fall and stop yourself from catching it. That's their strategy-they want to ping you so you can get pulled back into their 'game'. If they got you in their 'game', you will remain stuck in the family drama and the family system. So, whenever I get pinged, I remind myself that, if I react, I'll go back in the system and will remain a victim to her. Examples of responses to the above pings" 'Yeah, I can be mean. I am not perfect' or 'Yeah, I can be secretive. You have a secretive daughter. What can you do?' This is a behavior that they don't expect from you because you don't defend yourself and you're not a victim. They'll leave you alone, trust me.
Thanks, Patrick, for your amazing videos. I just started watching your stuff and will probably need to get that Inner Child course. Also, you really understand what family dysfunction means. I feel very 'heard' watching you.
The "secretive" line... I think you just saved my life!
This is still really hard for me because my mom ALWAYS has annoying and accusing come back. She's a master at shaming
The greatest gift my father ever gave me was teaching me to see through my mother's tactics at a very young age.
Wow nice! Thatâs a great skill to have. Took me 35 years and she still manages to do things
I'm gonna do the same with my son when he's more mature and aware with life around him
Grey rocked my narcissistic mother. Now I'm distant, cold, socially inept, etc., and finds other lies, gossip, and rumors to spread. Something is ALWAYS wrong with the other person. Never has the self-awareness to understand why people act the way they do with her.
**roleplays intensify**
My mom made me do her makeup snd my sisters makeup on my wedding day then told me to hurry up as I was trying to do my own (last)
Oh hun, that's horrible!!!
Hope you learn that you are the important off all ..I was the same..every body matters but I take care off all .now I take care off me..that feels better
"I'm not doing the make up, I'm just attending, and I plan on leaving early" LOL YES đđŒđđŒđȘđŒ
I've definetly mastered grey rocking. It takes some time. But its doable
I'm curious, how long has it taken & was it all with limited in-person contact?
I would never be this calm, I would have hang up the phone already. Lol.
đđlike *click* we are DONE HEREđ
Out of all the Narcasist professionals. Your teaching method is the best. You don't dehumanize the narcarsist. Giving practical and useful advice. You don't play into the victim role and have a empowering approach in demonstrating.
12 bridesmaids! Didnât expect a chuckle! Another amayzing sketch! Patrick Teahan - playwright
lol after being in a few weddings like this I was like "No bridesmaids!!" at my own đ
Agreed. I was totally laughing through and through.
Hey everyone, just a couple tips that worked for me:
1) If you can legitimately make this person boring for you, the greyrocking will become much more authentic (I had to do this while isolated at a lodge with a guy who sexually assaulted me - we had a few days left, and there was no way of leaving before the plane would arrive at the end of the week). I personally have ADHD, and used that to space out whenever he spoke. When he became particularly frustrated, I would spit out an "mm" at most.
2) Realize that you're in control. This isn't mean to victim blame, but to be empowering. You don't need to justify your actions to yourself, you don't need to compromise with this other person. Now when people are being like the narcissistic mother in this video, I just shrug my shoulders and move on with my day. You can do this too, you've got this!
It's definitely hard to grey rock when you are stuck with the narcissist for a long time or live with them, though. I tried to go grey rock with my narcissistic sister some years ago, when I was still living with her. Anytime I tried it, it would send her into such a rage that she would threaten physical violence to my body or my personal belongings, all the while shouting. I think grey rock only works when you don't have to live with your abuser - and so I really hope everyone here is able to get away, too. It's impossible to live in such an environment.
(P.S. I also have ADD! I can imagine that makes it even harder to endure...I'm so sorry for what you experienced... :( )
@@alexandrialeonora6542 Totally, there are definitely exceptions like the one you're mentioning, like being confined with the abuser (and I think you're completely right, a really important part of the solution is getting away from/ending the relationship with the abuser). I'm sorry you went through what you did as well! I don't know if this would be helpful to anyone else, but the thing that consoled me afterwards (I was bothered for a while) was realizing that I was feeling so upset because I at least understood what violating another person meant, and I could take solace in knowing that I would never make another person feel how I was feeling. I'm working on it in therapy now too, but that realization helped me at least get through those first hard days. Just throwing that out there in case it happens to bring comfort to whoever may end up reading this :)
Ha , this brought back memories. My adopted mother arrived in Germany from Scotland , she was organising my sisters wedding, she announced that I would be an usher, which meant putting people in seats in the church and at the reception, it was her big chance to have me at her beck and call. I had left home to join the army 6 years previously and I'd sort of forgotten how they all behaved. So, I just said no, I just want to be a normal guest. So, my ex-wife was witness to tantrums, tears , slanders and other insults. So, we both asked her why she was visiting. The strange thing was my dad just sat there, he did nothing, just looked.
I ofc have no clue what your situation is/was but if my memory is correct, than my father tend to do the same.
But I kind of understand why he didn't really do anything. My mother drank wodka the whole day 24/7 (she never got drunk, she just drank it throuout the day slowly) and it tend to make her quite agressive. Not in the way that she would hit us (at least, I don't think that happened) but she would scream and be mad and wouldn't 'forgive' you if you didn't apologise, no matter if you were in the wrong or not.
So to avoid more problems than needed, my father just ignored it. He did calm us down by letting us do his makeup for fun and play a bit with us, so we wouldn't feel bad all the way.
Maybe that is why your father didn't do anything do either, yet I don't claim I am right, it is just an idea ^^
I hope you are doing alright ^^
I always found that interesting. Why the other parent seem to stop reasoning enabling the abuse?
Mine does the same. Nothing
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 I don't know why they enable a narcissist partner. But looking back my Dads mother was possibly similar and her husband just sat and took a lot of abuse, so maybe my dad thought it was normal. I certainly didn't, I got away when I was 18. My adopted mother got worse as she got older, she saw herself as a grand matriarch, the leader of the family, and she cried like a baby if she didn't get her own way. Any normal person could see through this, even my kids laughed at the crocodile tears, but my Dad and sister actually panicked. We didn't live anywhere near them, just minimal contact for years. I used to regret I didn't say more about it, but now I think I probably handled it ok by staying away and letting them all get on with their ridiculous lifestyle.
I think you were lucky to have stayed away. Perhaps she broke your dad.
The way that I've coincidentally been kind of grey rocking my dad since I was like 14 without knowing it-
"Our dysfunctional tendency to be reactive" that's exactly what I need to stop doing ASAP ! Thanks Patrick !
This is hilarious if it weren't so tragic (and true) đ
I wondered if I was the only viewer laughing at these videos. I feel like Iâm watching a character from Arrested Development or Itâs Always Sunny. This guy is a good comedic actor.
I literally laughed out loud with some of the mother's comments. She is unreal.
Had me laughing too lol
I laughed hard at the âAARRRGHâ every single time!
This was a GREAT video! Iâm becoming indifferent to my toxic/narc mother. Sheâs a little girl who is very toxic.
I hope I can too. Itâs very sad but I hope so cause life with her is pure agony
I'd love to see more content on how to gain the self-confidence to be able to do that.
Yes please
Omg that would be so helpful!
Yet I do think he would make a general video about it if he sees this or has it planned, and just say that we would go to a professional to get deeper into it
For me, just my experience, it was more like being fed up and being done emotionally. Like a car out of gas. And it feels great ending conversations unbothered. Rooting for you all đ
Sometimes I feel I just don't have that voice inside myself. What are the steps towards that goal? Awareness of dysfunction and how it affected us till today. Healthy modeling and picking out unhealthy behavior would be great :-)
You do not have to have the confidence to do gray rock. You have to overcome your own conditioned submission, let the narcissist be a narcissist, and not let the narcissist hook you by manipulating your emotions. Do it one time and you will find yourself growing in confidence.
I practiced grey rock with my mother. I have had a long break that I havenât talked to her. Now I collected my courage and did it, being very careful. She noticed it:âYou sound odd. You certainly are stressed about your job!â
I thought: âIf she wants to think so, let her do so.â
The truth is, that I have the most interesting job Iâve ever had and the best workmates I have ever had! I did not tell it to her. I think she was dissapointed because she could not ger anything out from me so that she could hit me with her nasty comments.
Afterwards, I felt bad. I had been so quiet and it is rude. She is my mother... Oh boy! Then I realised: Actually, I had succeeded to grey rock! Why to feel quilty about it!
Some weeks later I was not as careful and I revealed some of my feelings, not about her but other things in my life. And, of course, it took only few days when she used it all against me in a brutal way. I ALMOST reacted - but I chose to pay no attention. I said nothing. I passed as if it never happened.
I thought: Can I ever be careful enough, grey rock enough with her? She is SO clever picking up everything that cetainly hurts me.
"Daughter is forced to do her sister's makeup because her mom fired the makeup artist". That's a pretty realistic scenario if I ever seen one. My dad would treat professionals like trash and always think he knew much more than them. I've seen him laughing at psychologists and engineers, and call them scammers.
Once again, spot on! When I tell people the things my stepmother has done or said, they don't believe me. They don't think any grown adult would act like such a child. You've done an amazing job capturing the dynamics here!
I believe you. đ
Omg! YES!
So accurate and annoying
I believe you. Watch the video and use it in your own life. Role play with a therapist.
My boyfriend didn't believe that my malignant narcissist father could really "be THAT bad" until he came over for dinner one night. My dad was three sheets to the wind already and just finishing up the BBQ. His new wife made a comment about the BBQ sauce being a little too sour, and my dad yanked her whole plate of food away and tossed it in the garbage. She went to her room, and the three of us ate in complete silence.
My boyfriend later apologized to me for not believing and said "He's even WORSE than you let on!"
"I know you won't forgive yourself if you don't..." hahahaha, classic.
-Have fun sitting at the miscellaneous table.
-okay!
-Rawr!
*Rawr means I LOVE YOU in dinosaur*
You donât need your toxic parentâsâ approval is such an empowering message for me. At 53 I am taking my power back Ty so much for this đđ»
My mother told a bunch of people they were invited to my wedding when they werenât. I stood my ground and told her that no, those people would not be invited no matter what she told them and she totally flipped out screaming at me. She told me, âYouâre putting ME in a very awkward position!â I told her she put herself there. That didnât go over well. She became so unhinged, I ended up spending the night at a hotel with my fiancĂ©. (I was still living at home.)
Love how mom just came out with - "I need you to", "just listen to me" "don't do the mother in law" the tantrum, the threats "if you ruin the wedding" (after she fired the MUA......"just do it, it's easy!" so crazy. And the lame put down "you seem sleepy" đ đ€Ł đ .....so full of b.s. "you're so good at it, I already promised, if you don't do it I'll have everyone disown you".....
I still remember the first time I grey-rocked my mom. I was heading to her house for Thanksgiving and I took the wrong exit on the highway. I called her to let her know that I was running late. I apologized, too.
But she flipped OUT. Screaming at me, fullblown adult tantrum. Instead of getting upset and shouting back I just said, "Well mom, I can arrive late or I can turn around and go home." She berated me for another minute and I just repeated the above quote. Then she angrily said, "Just get here when you get here!" and hung up on me. Of course when I arrived she acted like nothing even happened. đ
Nice! Grey rock combined with "broken record" (just repeating a statement). Love how they act like nothing's happened, it's a classic.
Looks like narcissistic mom gave this video a thumbs down! đđđ
I've been a grey rock since a was a child... I don't know how it started but I realised very soon that there was something wrong in the way they treated me, so I stopped talking. But that made them even angrier because they thought I had no emotions. And I think that translated into an inability to express myself authentically my social life.
I really Connect with you on this reality. Me too! Iâm sorry you didnât have the support you needed.
I used to be my mothers "favourite" so to speak, as I was so reactive. It made me really unwell throughout my life, and I didnt realise how unwell being her supply was making me until I went full greyrock. Let her go with love, and keep contact to absolute minimum, and now my whole life has opened up. However my older sister is now the new supply, and she is reactive as hell, which my mother loves! Whether its creating dependence or creating an argument, my mother gets her supply! Its frustrating to watch her torture my sister now, but I cant make my sister listen to me and greyrock her, she has to do that herself!
Also, the amount of judgement you get from others for greyrocking or cutting off a narcissistic parent is unbelievable! You have to be prepared for everyone to say things like, "awk but thats your mum!!!!!" Or "thats a bit harsh" "but they're sick, you need to support them", but try not to let that get under your skin, and you are doing the right thing for YOU and that is who matters in a situation like this đ
@Ciara I'm _clueless_ about being *'supply"* in terms of being reactive ... was always the scapegoat or in trouble from an early age .... am wondering what that means. Feels like a stupid question! Am guessing being supply means giving attention ... compassion ... encouragement. If you feel like adding anything, that'd be fine. If not, it's grand.
By way, I've found the comments on this CZcams role play incredibly helpful in highlighting the universality of a set of experiences that felt unique & very specific & hope-draining. It's been empowering to read so many of them.
Wow this hit home. Brilliant role playing. My covert N mom coddles my âgolden childâ N sister and planned her whole wedding for her since she was too lazy/entitled to do it herself. My N sister tried to tear me down and uninvited me to her wedding (twice in a row lol) after I said something she didnât like. Then my N mom inserted herself and made me into the scapegoat, tried so hard to guilt trip and manipulate me into coming to the wedding anywayâŠthreatened me with having no one in the world to rely on without family support as a result of my selfish unforgivable decision to not come to the wedding I was uninvited to. She kept saying how bad it would make me look, but it was so obvious that her real concern was how bad it would make her and my sister look without me or a single bridesmaid there for the ceremony. Iâm so proud of my progress, thanks to teachers/healers like Patrick, I was able to hold firm under repeated attacks and not internalize their projected blame and shame. And I have no feelings of regret or guilt about not capitulating and going to her wedding, just sweet relief and peace!
I was in my mid 20âs when my sister said we had been good kids. I believed our mom when she said otherwise. My sister helped open my eyes. How sad to have such a low opinion of myself for that long.
There are no such thing as bad kids - and plus if you worried about how you acted as a child, it means you were caring! :)
I have a very narcissistic sister I have learned over the decades how to do what you are showing here. It's hard but it is also very simple. You have to just stand in your own truth and express it calmly and repeatedly. It drives narcs nuts but eventually they go away cuz you give them nothing to work with. It is really uncomfortable but it's the right thing to do. Don't get mad. Don't react. Stick to the most basic facts. A narcs primary goal is to trigger you. When you realize this, you can be totally prepared for it. Limit the interaction as much as possible. And stay away from them as much as possible because they will never change.
My mom wore a white dress to the daughters' weddings where she thought she could get away with it. She only wore a dress with color in it when she got along with the mother of the groom and wanted to match/show her up. The rest of the time- white like the bride lol
Excellent video, I'm learning so much! My narcissistic mother never raised her voice, she used a cold tone (and hell it was/is terrifying), yet I feel somehow triggered even as an adult by someone raising their voice.
I learned about this technique a few years ago and it takes a lot of discipline to not react but once you master it, itâs amazing
This is so real and amazingly accurate! I can totally relate! May I add that I don't wait for the narcissist to say goodbye. In this example, for me it might sound like, " Mom, I totally trust that you can find another option. I gotta go now", and then I hang up without goodbyes. If I wait for her to say goodbye she would go into more abusive talk - on and on and progressively get more abusive as she doesn't get her way. Also, I put the phone farther from my ear to lessen the volume. Sometimes I play calm music in an ear bud in the other ear to calm my nerves. I have even used calm talk in the other earbud.
Thatâs so inspiring. Thank you for sharing đ
âI will disown youâ. Their favorite line. I was in my 30âs when I told my mom I didnât care. It frightened me. But I had to say it. I never allowed her to do anything for me again.
Yup! My mother has disowned me (and a sister) several times now! I think this most recent one may be the last time, because I've finally decided to protect myself and go no contact. Frankly, I think she's stunned - probably still doesn't believe it.
Usually my mother starts to scream almost from the beginning. She never listens to what I say, I mean she does not even hear it because she talks on when I speak. The rage escalation is almost from the beginning.
Ouch ouch ouch - "if you (fill in the blank), I'll disown you. "
Oh excellent, thank you Patrick. My sister is the narc, and I started doing this, years ago. And she wobbled out, big time, when I stopped, 'obeying her every command and agreeing with her.' Then she gathered some flying monkeys. I had to completely, ' not care,' I guess is how I would put it. People need to be prepared for the kickback.
I think the biggest issue when I'm put on the spot in these kinds of situations is letting go of caring about the outcome. It's not about approval for me anymore, and I know I'm not responsible for making everyone happy and making up for others' shortcomings, but I have a hard time walking away if I have the power to avoid a problem, even if I didn't cause it. I spent so long making up to my older (narcissistic, golden child) brother for my parents failings to him, and then to each of them for not coming through for each other, and in the end to my nieces and nephews when they were failed by my brother and parents. It's hard to know their actions will cause others to suffer and live with myself knowing I could have prevented it, especially where the kids are concerned.
Your first responsibility it to you-your health and mental health-because they will walk away from you if you need help-you do not need to sacrifice yourself for the sickness/behaviours of others!
"You seem sleepy" - that is just like something my sister would say! You are a perceptive man.
Great vid. It's kind of like my mother came back from the dead. ...you could be a horror director...đđ
đ
I tried to grey rock my dad and he drove over and savagely beat me with a crow bar. Later on when I was at the police station he called them up and started screaming at all the cops on the phone. I could tell it was triggering to some of the cops and one of them was blubbering on the phone to him trying to apologize and stuffđ© I think sometimes you have to skip straight to no contact. I didn't have the stomach for it because I couldn't picture how I would explain to strangers why I cut my parents off but feeling the need to over explain is yet another trap with kids raised by narcs. These role plays are very good. It's really blowing my mind how mild I find them and it's really surprising that people in the comments are saying their parents are also narcs but not this aggressive. It seems like my ticker is still off when it comes to recognizing cluster B people even though I've been aware of the concept for years now. To anyone who feels invalidated because the role plays or descriptions aren't exactly like their problem person or that their situation isn't as bad somehow - even I feel that way, probably the day will never come when you feel completely sure how abusive they are. You don't have to feel like an aweful person for trying to move forward anyway.
Omg this was so true the manipulation!
The volunteering of your own time without permission, the âfigure it outââŠ.Yeah Iâm TRIGGERED! đ Thank you for this đđŸ
Iâve realized in recent years Iâve done this with my narc mom, and I used to feel guiltyâŠ.but I now realize itâs an essential coping technique for her erratic ragesâŠ.
Another thing I have done is to declare at the beginning of the call. "Mom, just want to give you advance notice, if you choose to become aggressive or unkind anytime during this call, I will leave the call" (or leave the room if it's in person). And then I do it if she gets moody. I find this teaches the narcissist that I won't tolerate irate behaviour and they know for next time as well.
I wish I had known about this 30 years ago! Thanks for the exceptional demonstration.
I like the way the gray-rock daughter responds to her mom "what will this do on me?" This is also a inner voice every time i ask myself if the narc asks a practical question. Mostly not. They want to control us. And I like the insistence. It is a MUST to block the narc try to control us. No emotion is hard to learn but it is very useful tool to protect our rights. Thank you for role play.
Grey rock is so satisfying. I have a psychopath neighbor who is obsessed with me. Police do nothing. Ignoring her and acting disinterested in what she's doing is killing her inside.
Man, this really made my heart race as I was listening. I never thought of my mom as narcissistic, and she isn't this aggressive, but the guilt and manipulation were definitely there - especially in my youth. As an adult, I have told her outright to stop using guilt to manipulate me and to respect my "No." Thankfully she has grown more respectful and aware over the years a d we have a good relationship. But man, there is definitely something in me that freaks out in these situations.
Finding your channel is the best thing that happened during my healing. Your videos are always spot on, insightful, easy to digest, and compassionately explained. Especially seeing the ânormalâ parentâs responses in videos. Since I have never had that, I never knew what it was supposed to be like. Your videos have almost given me a loving parent as I can now tell myself what my parents should have said or how they should have handled things. It makes it easier to talk to my inner child and helps with my self talk. I can see from your comment section I am not alone in my gratitude. Every video is a gift. đThank you so much, Patrick.
"Two hours to do the bride, 12 bridesmaids, etc." I was getting anxiety just from hearing that part...as a make up artist- two hours would be time for just the bridal makeup and possibly one bridesmaid.
I enjoy these role plays- very eye opening for me.
Yep- Mom tried to triangulate me today when someone else told her no. I only hear from her when she wants something like this or to talk to my husband, who graciously does her financial stuff like taxes. I've had years of , "Did I wake you up from your nap?"
Omg the first one, "listen, listen" is so my mother and MILđ nah, YOU listen
Very helpful indeed. It made me realise being full of sh ... is just that, whether it's my mother or not. Figure of authority or not. This frees me to hear it and release it, rather than grabbing hold of it all.
Of course I probably still won't be able to really deliver but it certainly gives me more hope. I watched the daughter's face during the grey rock version.... that's what I want to accomplish.
đđđ€Łđ€Ł the "I only have a minute to talk" line is my go to
Oh this makes a lot of sense - it's the shame and sense of being evil inside that makes the whole thing so difficult.
Wow thank you for this role playing video! My mother JUST said to me today, "you seem tired." "your not saying very much" the undercurrent is always, "something is wrong with you". Sigh. This video did make me feel a little sick, but it is helping me to visualize and practice gray rock one step removed before I have to do it directly. Thank you!
Thank you. I just recently understood that my mother was a narcissist. I am 67 years old. Thanks to your video and others I now have a name for all the abuse I took. Better late than never I quess.
When the mother says if you ruin this I'll dis own you I now say okay bye and hang up after saying yes freedom.
The level of peace I have found from the âgrey rockâ concept is unmatched đđŸ
THIS GUY GETS IT
" grey rock " is inspiring to any manipulative relationship. đđđđ đŒ
Patrick deserves an Oscar for that performance
I underestimate when you say âTrigger warningâ I WAS TRIGGERED. I didnât know this was manipulative and abusive. Bad mouthing, telling someone to shut up and listen, playing victim, being blamed and made to look pathetic or weak, being told youâre being a bother and âa problemââŠ. Thatâs my whole life with my parents. Blamed for everything that has nothing to do with meâŠ. Being told I have a mental health issue and need a brain scanâŠ. Itâs crazy.