Borderlines Demand So Much Understanding ...
Vložit
- čas přidán 6. 07. 2024
- Borderlines Demand So Much Understanding ...
Borderlines ask for so much understanding. They ask for and often demand way too much. They expect you to love them "for who they are" when even they don't know who they are. They expect you, always, to understand, but they don't give any understanding back. What Borderlines want, need, ask for, demand and take is just all too much.
ajmahari.ca - Sessions - Contact - Blog
ajmahari.com - Online Store - Ebooks & more
survivingbpdrelationshipbreak... - Podcasts & Blog
#ajmahari #BorderlineExpectations #BPDDemands #Codependendency
Ohhh❤ that was a devine appointment. First i was so happy to catch a video from you that just came out 1 minute ago then my drops for you discussing my comment. That truely means so much to me, not out of vanity (i hope) but to not talk into the void of the www but actually being heard and achnowledge. I love your channel..No borderline information never more hit home than yours. Have a blessed sunday
I’m glad you feel acknowledged! Also, glad you find my content helpful!
So much of the agony for me was just not believing what my ex put out in front of me.
If you actually listen to what they say, they tell on themselves a lot. If someone lies so much, they're bound to contradict themselves many times.
Each time I revisited (ruminated) past these words that came from the magical thinking, the less impact they held over me emotionally.
That magical cloak of denial that kept me in this relationship became more and more obvious after being on a healing journey.
I always look forward to your posts. This was very eye opening. They ask for patience, for compassion, and expect us to tolerate the crazy making behavior. I put up with it and I stuck around for two or three too many encounters. Then, when I began to retaliate against the behavior, that same patience and compassion they expect us to have in relation to their dysregulation, is not reciprocal. They themselves cannot even show up for us the way they’re expecting for us to show up for them. It’s so mind-boggling
I was recommended your channel around a year ago when my ex with BPD discarded me on our 8-year anniversary, after threatening to wreck my car while driving us home, hitting me, and threatening suicide (emotional blackmail) the night before. Despite her abusing me, and me being the victim, she has still never taken accountability.
During the year since then, I’ve recovered a lot and through your channel and others, along with reading tons of psychology books, I came to the conclusion that my ex likely had BPD. She often parentified me in fights, calling me “dad” in the same tone a defiant teenager would. She also literally told me she “didn’t know who she was” at the end of things. From my laymen’s assessment, she met 7 of 9 criteria with flying colors, but I couldn’t ever be sure.
Then, just two weeks ago, I had a moment of weakness and read one of her old blog posts from 2016- a year and a half after we had started dating, and three years after we had been friends…. And my mind EXPLODED. She, in her own words, stated that she was on topamax for *drum roll* HER BPD. SHE HAD BORDERLINE OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! And she never once mentioned it or anything to me!!! What a secret to hide! And SHE wanted ME to propose and marry her so badly, only to discard me and never speak to me again so easily! Then I thought: “If she lied to me about that massive thing for 8 years, what else did she lie about? She probably DID monkey branch with that guy she posted photos on Instagram with 2 months after discarding me…”
Fuck me, that revelation hurt. But it is also validating: I now know that it could’ve never worked. She wasn’t working on getting her BPD treated, and wasn’t working on her alcoholism.
The healing journey continues.
Another gem A.J.👍🏻
I like how you articulate the dynamic as ‘not making sense’ due to all the reasons you have outlined historically and in this video. It’s comforting for all of us codependents or whoever that it’s not all or even in part about us not being ‘good enough’. It’s also so important to know we have our own issues that need work and that we need to exit the dynamic . Thank you so much for the amazing content, all the best to you
Thank you! You are so welcome and I’m glad my content is helpful. It’s so important people with Codependency in and after BPD Relationships really need to know it’s not ever about any of you being “not good enough” That is often a Codependent negative core belief from childhood woundedness and/or unmet needs.
thank you. you are amazing.
You are very welcome!
Why did my BPD ex refuse to give me closure after we broke up? Yet still, on occasion, they would respond to my DM'S. We even met twice, but she refused to discuss our turbulent relationship. or anything of any substance. It was meeting a stranger or in-law. That you resent.
I was going through a tough time regardless of the breakup, depression, and sick family members, and she offered zero compassion. At no point in that time
This took place over 18 months! It was ridiculous. Not once did she find the compassion to say anything kind. The last time we spoke, I texted her asking why we don't just admit we'll never talk, and she called me angrily, saying that if I kept on like this, she would be forced to block me( ironic), not that she wanted to. She had this amazing way of avoiding all culpability and painting herself as kind, open-minded, and compassionate. She could’ve taken that opportunity to own her feelings and admit that she could never give me closure. Ultimately, It would have been kinder if she had blocked me 12 months prior.
She told me that I'd be okay. It was An innocent sign-off, but it was clear that she was resentful. I blocked her after that.
@johngilmore697 It can be incredibly difficult to truly believe that they just "choose" not to give closure. It's so not "social convention" or "average breakups". But, with people (most not every single one) with BPD (untreated or not near-enough treated) it's actually not such an available choice for most. They truly do not get what the F you want. They really don't. The manipulations that you went through after the breakup, I'm sure, if you truly knew then what you know now, you would have taken the necessary pain to block her to not have your dignity played with that way. Very sorry that happened to you that way, but, it is what happens 90+ after these BPD Breakups/Ghostings/Discards.
@@survivingBPDbreakup I'm unsure why she didn’t cut me off completely; oh, email me and say. Sorry, I have to block you, if for the best, etc, the usual tokenistic pleasantries. She was utterly incapable of dealing with anything, expressing regret, sympathy, recognition of someone else's pain or expressing the negative things she might have felt.
Your channel is one of the few that doesn't sugarcoat and actually recognises the pain BPD causes. Others seem academic, distant, and facile.
@@survivingBPDbreakup I'm unsure why she didn’t cut me off completely; oh, email me and say. Sorry, I have to block you, if for the best, etc, the usual tokenistic pleasantries. She was utterly incapable of dealing with anything, expressing regret, sympathy, recognition of someone else's pain or expressing the negative things she might have felt. Your channel is one of the few that doesn't sugarcoat and actually recognises the pain BPD causes. Others seem academic, distant, and facile.
Having had an ex with BPD who was in her PHD program as a clinical psychologist: I became quite familiar with the literature and I found it to be woefully deficient in many aspects. One of the main things I take issue with is the spontaneous remission hypothesis (normally self report) and the easily attained remission hypothesis (hubris from my subjective observation). Usually through self report (which I believe to be enhanced masking) the immediately damaging symptom criteria often aren't met and the clinician declares that the BPD is in remission. This will often send the patient packing without the proper intensive therapy (weekly) they actually need on a continual basis for years to attain RECOVERY. The literature is quite clear that impulsivity, suicidality can be diminished but I often think that this is just an enhanced form of masking and ignores the empty core of the disorder.
This study found that most who attained remission still had extremely poor psychosocial outcomes and GAF scores at 10 year follow up. I would postulate that remission shouldn't even be a clinical term because by all metrics it doesn't really imply a good living with a solid core and sense of self that allow an individual to maintain gainful employment as well as interpersonal relationships.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9237745/#:~:text=The%20MSAD%20study%20found%20that,%2C%20Frankenburg%2C%20Reich%2C%20%26%20Fitzmaurice
My hypothesis would be that an ongoing basis of weekly psychotherapeutic modalities are required to attain complete recovery (improved GAF, vocational outlook and overall psychosocial). The combination would probably have to include TFP(Kernberg), DBT and some combination of schema and psychodynamic therapy to address the black hole like childhood core. Remission in of itself seemed to have little impact on overall psychosocial functioning and GAF scores. The lack of core identity really does seem to be omitted almost as if it was not to be spoken of in any capacity, although I believe this is intentional as it takes a lot of dedication and professional support to activate the neuroplasticity that is required to heal and RECOVER.
I simply believe most clinicians are only interested in short-medium term treatment to reduce immediately impactful negative behaviors like suicidality and impulsivity because they are the most damaging and draining on resources, considering it an acute issue. However this does not address the long term chronic negative outcomes of most persons with BPD.
It is most likely a resource issue and a lack of funding. To get all patients with BPD into long term weekly care with multiple psychotherapeutic modalities is most likely not possible with the current strain on the health care system. Symptom management seems to be a band aid at best and addressing the core issue of BPD (lack of a developed self throughout childhood) is a can of perpetual worms that most don't want to open.
I agree with your own statements and observations. I have long spoken about the endless difficulties in attempting to measure “REMISSION”
As someone who recovered fully almost 40 years ago likely having had only 4 core traits of BPD I don’t see any reasonable path to “remission” Engaging in 15 years of therapy brought about my full recovery. Because I was never assessed properly interestingly, technically I suppose I could have used a “remission by exclusion of 5 trait’s argument” However, what I know is each person with BPD must undertake 10-15+ years of engaged skilled therapy to actually heal and recover.
From my own lived experience as well as 34 years working with clients “remission” I believe is meaningless and does not mean the positive life-changing outcomes that RECOVERY does yield.
The lack of funding in most all Mental Health Delivery Systems for Borderline Personality Disorder, is now way too poorly funded or resourced.
Systems had far more treatment dollars when I was in my recovery in the 1970’s to 1990.
I didn’t have 5-9 traits at all. I don’t have an addictive personality nor did I ever have any substance disorder and no alcohol issues whatsoever. I didn’t and don’t have any eating disorder. I have a medical weight issue.
The self-reporting nature of supposed BPD Remission leaves it squarely in an untenable ineffective unlikely context in my opinion and past experience.
@survivingBPDbreakup A well thought out response that I agree with entirely. Remission has become the new buzzword that is thrown around everywhere, but in my experience, I still see the inner void of an empty core persisting in these individuals. Relapses, outbursts, poor social connections all seem to persist. Remission doesn't seem like a desirable outcome, in my opinion.
I would tend to agree. If we look at people who are exposed to language too late in life, they will have life long language difficulties. I imagine its the same concept for BPD.
@@kino_cinanteThe previous commenter and the study he linked to are specifically about “BPD Remission” and all the inaccurate descriptions of a pseudo-narrative around BPD remission not really measuring up to actually defining anything positive.
You use of a language analogy would not be accurate to everyone in that situation let alone that being “the same concept - at all, for BPD.
People with BPD who will go to skilled therapy and stick with it and truly engage it (over 10+ years) can and do recover. It’s BPD remission as a primarily “self-reported notion that is highly inaccurate and has taken on an excuse-laden Borderline narrative of its own that is at issue here.
BPD and language are not similar.
BPD is way more complex than at what point in life one is exposed to language.
❤