Ep. 22 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- čas přidán 21. 08. 2024
- It's wild times, but the bears are back together in the cave! This time to celebrate Tom Segura's new Netflix special "Ball Hog!" With the current state of the world, Tom had to cancel all of the press he was going to do to promote it, so his best friend/bear Bert Kreischer steps in to try and recreate all the different interviews he would have had to do! What would Stephen Colbert have asked? What about Jimmy Fallon? Bert also gets into a fun story or two about beefing with black twitter over a hashtag, and how Desus and Mero were involved.
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I love the look Tom gives to the camera Everytime he's about to lead Bert out in the woods
im with ya
He does it on YMH too and it always gets my attention
lmao
Still waiting on that carton of cigarettes
@@RyanJames-iv3qu 👍👍
When Bert said "Brad Williams", I laughed and thought it was a clever joke making fun of the question. Finding out he thought that was a straightforward answer to the question I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair ... still having trouble breathing
Man I read this comment way before it came up on the podcast and forgot about it, he said it and it clicked and I fucking choked on my food
Lmao i laughed so hard too when he realized he thought he was just supposed to name 7 dwarfs lmao!!!!
U sure it's not corona?
@@pyrrhus6437 fucking same, worth it
I’M HAVING CHEST PAINS!
I can’t believe Toms new special was just him stabbing the audience
Pretty wild that they didn't even sensor it
Siracha Sugar I believe it
That beheading took an insane amount of time. I mean a pocket knife? The guy just wanted to be sadistic.
That muh-sheen guy, I don’t get how the blade got through all that fat.
Yeah and just the black guys. Weird.
"Its plausible that we might not preform for maybe 2 months"
>Watching this in November
Well that prediction didn't age well
Watching in 2021 and they just started preforming
@@samalitz44 just wait for the 2022 lockdowns
perform*
@@samalitz44 bro
The dwarf section flat out killed me
Definitely burned a bit there
There's a small chance that it was only a little funny.
SCREAMING 😭😭
Tom Segura trashing Jimmy fallon about being fake is what I needed in this quarantine
time?
The other late night jimmy is worse tbh
@@jimothyj2638 wait what? are you saying kimmel is worse then Fallon? do you have ears?
We can all agree both jimmys are trash and Conan is the late night king though, right?
@@richliving1619 oh fuck yeah, team coco all day baby..
Tom: “Are you worried about local businesses?”
Burnt: “I’m worried about my sweatshop”
I'm worried about local businesses, especially restaurants, and all their employees (including myself). With that said I am very happy with the fact they seem to be keeping the dispensaries throughout the country amidst the mandatory lockdowns that are starting to get implemented. I heard that Bert admitted that he hopes this virus sparks a flow blown race war; so, all and all, what can you really do.
@@stephen32frazier As someone who's self employed, I too fear for my local financial prospects while under quarantine. Having to move my family out of state for work would be the last thing I need right now. Bert, I've been informed, is outsourcing his child based sweat shops, for his hat collection fetish, from China to Malaysia because too many of his workers have died and he doesn't want to pay for basic amenities to keep the shop sterile.
Bart’s sweatshop pumping out Mickey mantle shirts
That was a quote from Nike.
@@LetsGoMakeMistakes Sounds like Brent. Hopefully all this shit ends sooner than later so everything can go back to it's shitty ways and Bart can get his hats, cheaper and clean. Burnt Krysler, the only skinhead in history to have hair; that's why he wears the hats.
Bro Tom's special was 45 min of him looking into the camera and threatening the viewer. No cuts or anything, I feared for my life.
10/10 would recommend
Fat Burt trying to tell a funny story-“Squeak, screech, dolphin noise, trying to breath air while whispering, squelch whisper.”
You got it.
Lemme guess, the story started by interrupting tom?
Sometimes he does this so bad that I actually get angry because I’m like “I CANT FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!”
39:09
So true. Sometimes he can squeak out something you can understand, but most of the time it's just 'animal dying in the woods' noises.
This podcast is just 2 guys bringing up stories that sound really great, but then backing out of telling them.
That happened like 4 times in this episode. Each.
That’s EXACTLY what happens every time...
The one that really bothered me was when bert said jeselnik had the BEST opening joke ever, set up telling it and then immediately just moved on. And no way in hell I'm gonna search for the beginning of every jeselnik special now, wondering which one he's talking about.
Bert's train of thought is definitely like a herd of cats.
@@honestinsincerity2270 .... that's called a clowder
A group of cats is called a clowder. It can also be called a glaring, particularly if the cats are uncertain of each other. A litter of kittens can also be called a kindle.
Yup
Listening to this in 2021 hearing him say "we might not perform for 2-3 months", just made me real sad.
July 12 2022. Listening again.
July 16, 2022
Haha
@@joesephkroll2056 me too. 7 days later then you. Was missing the whole bert/Tom duo so came back to a nice random older 2b1C
2022 listen here. Bert: “I’m gonna get so fit in these 8 weeks”
@@randallferret2581 they still aren’t preforming? I thought everyone kinda thought it was bs after they said vaxers have the same restrictions as non vaxers
When Bert started listing his favorite dwarves I thought it was a genius joke. But then...
Tom: "I can't believe we won't be able to do standup for what, 2 or 3 months maybe ?"
Me, November 2020: 👁️👄👁️
I like how Tom is nice enough to edit out the very racist things Bert says at the top of the show. Always looking out for Bert’s image.
Tom is like the white version of that famous black guitar player/singer/songwriter who made friends with a ton kkk members and convinced them to leave just by being nice and black at the same time lmao.
That's a true friend right there.
@@ColinHarding you do know that Tom is kidding he's putting words in his mouth it's a joke there comedians I know sometimes it's not a very funny joke butt jokes all the same
@@donellmuniz590 man op's joke went right over your head dude. He was being sarcastic
Rapportus5 Daryl Davis
Tom is dressed like elderly Obi-Wan Kenobi
Loretta Gilmore chubby wan kenobi
@@cloud_monkey422 Maybe she means old Ben Kenobi
The Jimmy Fallon- Bert “reenactment” was the most authenticating on television that will never be on television
I cant believe bert actually said the coronavirus came from "yellow island" come on man its called Asia
Same same but different ya know
They speak Asian there!
Kung Flu
Kyle McClure yerrow fever
Chop fluey
For real Burt's "dwarf" answer was great and had me laughing I really thought wow what a quick and witty thing to come up with right on the spot. Nope turns out he just misheard the question....
Tom looks like he's gonna be the rebel alliance's only hope later.
Of course I know him. He's me. Duh.
Oh damn. That must be why I like that sweater so much.
I’m 21 and I love Don Rickles. He’s so amazing. He can be the rudest you could be to a person but also so genuine and kind. He is one of the greats
Best thing to say in the middle of a hug... "you smell different when you're awake".
Holy shit dude, did you write that joke yourself? You should be a professional comedian. I've never seen that exact phrase literally everywhere else for this prompt.
*hugging someone* - whispers - “I imagined it would be like this”
"You smell different when you're awake"
Every time Bert says “12 Years” in the intro, I always think he’s about to say “a slave”.
...owner
@@simonmorgan6934 I snorted my coffee!
"It's not an Asian cough. It's a Corona virus."
Damn, Tom!😂🤣😂🤣
That is a dope ass Czarface hoodie Bert is rocking, I want one.
Treat yourself
I am trying to find the hat online. Burt the PLUS size model...
John Smith no ones selling xxxl invisible shirts.
Man it's so cool that Tom did that music video with them.
I was crying from laughing so hard at the dwarf part that my boss came up to check on me. She thought I was crying from pain! 🤣🤣
I'd love to see an entire episode where they deconstruct comedy specials. That could be a new podcast altogether. I'd love to hear Tom's thoughts on why a joke works or doesn't, and Bert would be there too.
Am I the only one that looks forward to Tom's conservative Bert opening Jokes
confirmed.. I'm just hear to see how racist Burnt Ricer is during a pandemic.
Conservative? Lol
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I had a 15 pound brisket and then ate a swordfish why are my shit's like someone is shooting mud out of a cannon?
Anybody else like Bert podcasting a lot more than his specials
No, I don’t. His shows are amazingly funny
Yup 100% correct
I started watching this podcast, and I've been enjoying it. But I agree, I tried his most recent special, and I didn't like it at all.
Middle of a hug: “You smell a lot different when you’re awake”
TheBvisual81 LMFAO 😂😂😂🤜🤛 damn that’s funny!
When Bert says he hasn't drank in the last few days it just means he's not drunk any vodka..... But!... He has still had a couple of bottles of wine or a lot of beer every night.... Or both.
You get to know how he thinks after a few hundred podcasts.
You gotta love him though.
You're right but its similar to other vices when people say I haven't done "XXX" and they mean they haven't done it as often compared to their "norm"
Jesus Christ, Brent didnt have to drop the n-word that many times.
XD
I can't believe I was going to watch this
I'm surprised he laid off of Jews as much as he did
Yeah he also couldn't stop himself from saying those things to Hispanics
It’s Tourette’s Syndrome... or racism. I get those confused.
"I think we should flag those people, and isolate them."-Bert Kreischer 2020
Bert in the middle of a hug “You want an uncrustable?”
We’re all home here now. Try it out.
2395
@@DJ_InYourFace Wagner houses apartment 2c.
Anyone ever see the king of the hill episode where Dale uncovers that the Army wanted to turn Bill into a Human Walrus to fight the Russians in Alaska during the Cold War? Bill/Bert tomato/tamato
Operation: Infinite Walrus
😆
Gotta love king of the hill
Mr. Tusk?
Kevin Smith's most Underrated piece of work to date?
Boofer T. Washington thats pretty killer that you could bust out the “operation infinite walrus” so quickly. I can tell that your king of the hill knowledge is strong!
Andrew Burgardt I believe I’ve seen that shit, that’s where dude turns a guy into a walrus against his own will right? That shit was horrifyingly insane 😆
watching this in hindsight is insane
Best thing to say during a hug.
"You smell different when you're awake."
Bert: "I'm worried about my sweatshop"
Also Bert: "Buy my T-shirts!"
Bert is a sweatshop.
Which is why he don't wear a shirt.
Bert: "Which 7 dwarves do you identify as?"
I just wanted to say - you are the dumbest man alive. And I love you.
Oh my god, that Seven Dwarves bit had me tearing up, Bert's answer was so natural too! LMAO
I watched Bert’s special last night. It was laugh out loud by yourself funny.
These podcasts the main group are doing are the only thing keeping me sane. Just finished Whitney and Berts earlier.
Whitney podcast with her therapist was good info, but Whitney would laugh so loud. Maybe nervous about interviewing her therapist.
@@jamesdickey9427 I'll have to check it out.
Bert constantly bragging about having sex with his own wife like it's some sort of conquest is a little weird but also somehow sweet.
Hopefully Tom and Bert can make this weekly during the quarantine since they can't go out and do shows. I know everyone else here really needs shows like this while we are stuck at home.
yet again. these dudes are needed. Absolutely authentic content and genuine conversation.
This might be my favorite episode of "2 Fat Guys Cough-Laughing" that I've seen yet.
Just had a sober month.. just got out of an inpatient center.. this is my first podcast.. God I missed these guys.. 38 days sober, feeling good today..
Danny Ayo Good for you man, keep featherin‘ it sober brother! 👍🏿💪🏿
What was your issue? Booze or drugs?
Mainly alcohol which led to drugs.. I was just stuck in a self destructive path.. glad to be on the other side.. no relapse here.. anxiety is pretty high, was actually triggered easier than I thought.. but I'm past that now.. thanks for the inquiry ❤️
Congrats! Have a drink!
Good for you. Here's to avoiding a lifetime sentence of diarrhea like ol' Berty boy. Best of luck!
the 7 dwarfs bit was the funniest thing ive heard in a long time. holy shit. hard to breathe.
I love when Bert’s laugh reaches a level only the dogs can hear.
Gearing up for Ball Hog. Love you guys.
What is Segura wearing? It looks like he washed his Klan robe with his kid's diapers.
Bert made him wear it!
I was waiting for the bells to ring for evening prayer.
@@OttawaAndy If Bert was wearing it, we'd wonder why Tom is doing a podcast with Quasimodo.
Ahahahaha
😂
I was horrified when Bert said; "Pol Pot was an inspiration to me growing up."
As a guy who has made serving in a restaurant my career... I really appreciate you guys bringing light to the plight affecting tons of people in this country... and yes. Sometimes reaching out is the best. It might not pay our rent but it might save our life.
1:07 for intro, 1:42 for start of episode.
edit: 36:57 for ad break
bless you
dudemaister96 he didn’t sneeze?
You couldn’t sit through a 1 minute intro you twat
@@keithdosik bless you
Ballconei no bless you
@14:20 Tim gives Bart the Rona, way to go Cough Champ.
"name seven dwarfs" WEE MAN, BRAD WILLIAMS. That had me in tears!
funniest part of this whole ep. is when bert says he just quit drinking
This episode is hilarious to watch in late 2021.
When I turned on berts special, my girl said “ I can’t watch a guy with a shirt that has nipples on it”. I told her “babe he doesn’t have any shirt on”...so she said “ oh.... ok that’s fine then” 😑
She belongs to the streets
I actually get her point. She’s a keeper!
The test results just came in. It was actually determined that there is an 84.65% chance that this never happened.
BknownSSR your kids might need some extra help in school lol
@Jennifer Burkleschnauz Relax Burkenstockz.. By his "girl" he meant his girlfriend not his daughter........ Also, if this is the kind of thing you describe as "something happening" then I'm ok with my life.. You made a really great attempt at belittling me, if you keep it up one day you'll be sure to achieve you're goals! Keep it up little sis!
I love when I actually feel like I'm watching these two best friends just hang out and talk. That was most of this episode
“Inappropriate is a vaginal word” - Patrice O’Neal
“I’m gonna top this, but I want to hear this story” doesn’t sound like best friend talk to me (Dennis voice)
Hey Bert, I see you're drinking Diet Coke, is that because you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not, you could be drinking regular if you wanted to.
only a few will get that
@@CR-ok5cc I hope so
I got it!!!! Dynamite joke....Also Bert is horribly obese.
Recent studies are pointing to Sucralose as the major fat culprit. Sucralose is caused by Diet Soda combined with Carbohydrates.
Yesss.... Vote For Pedro
Love both of your specials. I’m watching all these episodes . I didn’t have time before, but I do now.
Favorite part :
Bert “ I got into a fight with black Twitter”
Tom “ about what “
Tom’s face : Here we go! 😂
This quarantine talk didnt hold up well. Talkn from July 21st here
Still isn't holding up well
@@alexisspicer3797 still...
Post election November here...still aint doing so hot.....
@@OutlierConcepts mmhm
@@alexisspicer3797 Still yet
Tom: How long are you gonna not drink for?
Bert: 8 weeks
Fast forward 4 days to JRE
😏😏😂😂
I’ve tried to post the same sarcastic comment about Bert wanting this virus to get to Africa and how the virus treats people like equals unlike Bert like 5 times and they keep erasing it. Idk how it’s different than other comments so keep it up Nadav I’m quarantined I can post this all day
Chris Witry
Wow you really tricked 30 people into thumbing up a CZcams comment. Blueban deleted all your other comments but not this one coincidentally, lmao
Idk how else to put it. It said:
I hope Bert’s dream of what he calls this ‘Chinese Virus’ doesn’t make it to and spread rapidly to Africa. This virus treats people as equals unlike you Bert’
Checked back after 2 mins, gone. Thought I forgot to hit post, did it again, 5 mins later, gone. Did it again twice after that, gone both times. I wouldn’t bother changing it, just copy and repasted it. Either it’s the fact this comment has me saying ‘sarcastically’ or that he got sick of deleting it, or I said what I did at the end, but sadly I’m not lying lol
@@chriswitry6976 I'll be honest man I don't think blueban would delete that comment because he's used to all these jokes. It was probably one of CZcams's AI picking it up
@@pyrrhus6437 well if youtube is keeping us from the enjoyment of expressing how racist Bert is, they are def not following proto or featherin it brother
@@pyrrhus6437 wouldn't be surprised at all if its CZcams's AI. I've posted stuff on Rogan's videos before that was deleted instantaneously so I know it wasn't a person.
my wife and I learned about self employment 20 yrs ago... one of the best choices we made... the difference in perspective is real... now operate a 501c3 and employ a couple dozen health care interns and clinicians... i studied philosophy, history and languages in college, working construction as a day job and sharing a studio apt.... I really relate to the last section of the show, and believe brent and tim are doing a good job relating how modern young men can be better and more successful than they may expect for themselves
Bert’s comments at 8:10 are so genuinely kind. That’s a commendable attitude. Cheers Bert, you’re a good fuckin guy.
Bert defends Ari and hides the truth like a batterd, abused house wife.
I hear him always talking about how "sweet" Ari is. It's like, yeah, abusive relationships have honeymoons. That's why women always say how great their abusive husbands are and why they stick around.
Bs, all he does is kick ari while he's down whenever Bert is on a podcast recently but tries to backpedal by saying ari is sweet. Go watch his recent, tigerbelly, tpw Theo von etc. It's like it's half his "act" now.
ScubaShneve
We. Need a save Bert from Ari hashtag to start tending on Twitter
Chris High you sound ridiculous. When Ari is down??? Like Ari didn’t drug Bert or make a really dumb “borderline autistic” joke about Kobe??? Like the world is attacking Ari?
@@chrishigh4113 Yea. Poor Ari. If only he had some control over these terrible things that happen to him.
Bert "Burning Crosses" Kreischer
😂😂
Bert burning crosses KKKreischer
When did this show become a rally?
Lol Burnt Crossler
@Jonata Aka Brent "Blacks don't deserve rights" Chrysler
Tom matches the curtains and I just can’t stand it 🤣😅🤣
I dream one day Bert will tell a TRUE story
Tom looks like he just got back from Kanye's Sunday Service
🙌🏼
Bravo gentlemen on your specials, absolutely hilarious.
From, some guy on that internet
the seven dwarfs made me laugh so fucking hard oh my god, i thought it was a bit at first😂😂😂😂😭
During hug:
Sniff deeply, and just say, "YESSS."
Tom: Have you seen that guy that looks like you??
Bert: Yeah, his name is Tom
39:30 LOL they are gonna die of laughing LOL berts wheezing and toms nausea LOL
“I’m worried about my sweatshop” -Burnt Chrysler
I love that I still have so much to catch up on with their podcasts. Their's and Bill Burr's, Joey Diaz', along with the It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and Smallville podcasts .... I love how people are finally doing what I said they should do more than 20 years ago. I had a few good ideas that became real when I watched Demolition Man and other things back in the day.
Bert starts talking about 2 Irish girls in his dream and then forgets his wife’s name. Incredible 25:00
Any sort of skit, role play or out of character performance from Bert is an absolute DISASTER...Every time lol
That's why he stays in his lane.
Master of impressions
That's because hes impersonating Hitler at all times so doing another impression on top of that is pretty difficult
I absolutely love these two. They’re hysterical.
damn, needed that. I had tears at the seven dwarfs part. man that was funny
Somebody explain to Bernt that "yellow fever" is something different than what he thinks.
Was Jimmy Fallon really excited about it? Because he always gets really excited about everything.
Jimmy Fallon was in Band of Brothers.
Do you know why he does that tho...?
@@ayeaye2295 alcohol mostly
It’s so interesting watching this two years on❤
I stopped this 20 mins in or so, to go watch Tom's new comedy special. Bert, I love you dude... my girl has started laughing as I type this aloud? Bert your comedy special made us both curl with laughter, it really did! But Tom took the Stanley Cup home tonight!!!
When Burnt starts trying to talk while he's laughing, only dolphins can understand what he's saying... and even they are annoyed.
I had tickets for Bert's show in April 2020. I bought 4 tickets in November 2019 for April 2020. His show was canceled, ticketmaster refused refunds until a new date was announced. I finally received a refund in October 2020. Being a bartender, it would have been nice to have that refund while I was out of work.
Bert and Tom commentary on a murder doc or something would be golden
Dude i love you guys i work 50 to 60 hours a week and i listen to yall all day long ive watch all the 2 bears 1 cave all bill bert and like 90 or more of berts podcast yall make my day betterduring these times and all the time thank yall for what y'all do keep doing it
Watched this whole podcast on my phone, thank you guys for the "how to help" PSA and the "be aware of yourself on social media" during this time. I'm in the service industry, as soon as the internet bill didn't get paid, it got turned off. Missing Tom's special but i have to pay rent. Stopped looking at Fb and Instagram a week ago, most of us are struggling, some of us are partying. Love you guys. "Positive Energy. Push. Yes!" 😉
Damn its been a long time ive seen Bert on a podcast! We havent had any podcasts with him on for sooooooo long glad to see I can finally catch up with what hes been up to! He should try to to get on a bunch more podcasts so we can see him more -_-
Sarcasm is thick in here. 😉
@@godsfavoriteblister852 THICCCC
I also love when he tells the same stories on different podcasts.
Gotta love aggressive podcast marketing, especially when you screech and squeal through stories you try to start then back out of them 10 seconds in. Then repeat those same stories on every podcast you have aggressively sought to be on. Make sure you remember to tell the audience you will tell the story off air.
100% down for a Tom and Bert reaction channel
49:18 "We should flag those people and isolate them"
Man I can't believe Bert just came out and talked about the jews like that.
@Semper Fortis when did bert berate her in public? I wanna hear about this? And that poor black woman seems very delusional
Keep the podcasts coming, the people need comedians like you more than ever. Thank you!