Video

Check the other videos on my channel, I have one for dual ADHD couples!

any chance of linking directly to them ive searched a bunch and found nothing@@BeUltranormal

Thanks for the feedback!

You can choose to believe whatever you wish, I'd just suggest you take in as much information as you can into those beliefs. I'll leave you with this for your consideration: www.additudemag.com/adhd-driving-risks-research-safety/#:~:text=Drivers%20with%20ADHD%20experience%20more,crash%20than%20drivers%20without%20ADHD.&text=Adolescents%2C%20more%20than%20any%20other,risk%20for%20motor%20vehicle%20crashes.&text=Within%20this%20group%2C%20teen%20drivers,non%2DADHD%20peers%20of%20crashing.

Yeah it's important to generate that as you go!

Thanks for watching! Glad to be of help

You're so welcome! Glad I could help 😀

Thank you so much for stopping by! And congratulations on pursuing your diagnosis :)

Glad it was helpful! Thanks so much for watching!

😅

Hey! Thanks for the comment! In terms of where I get the information, there are multiple sources and studies that I use. I hold off from citing them as 1) I usually get the info I need and move on before writing the source. Bad habit, but means I don't derail my own writing process. 2) In the times when people have specifically asked for them and I've provided, they have never been clicked on. Not once. Lol. 3) I try to keep a running citation/bibliography to my members for the materials they have, simply for the fact that my program material has been written in a much more academic way and not on a week-per-week basis. :) --- re: NPD I believe that many traits people identify are often situational behaviors. For example, someone might feel jealous in a romantic relationship but not at work. This doesn't mean they're a jealous person; they might just have specific triggers. Even learned behaviors, which make up the majority of our actions, can be unlearned. Partners often struggle here because they might not know how to support each other in unlearning toxic behaviors. This is where partners get unstuck because they have no idea how to help someone unlearn a toxic behavior, they simply use their own toxic learned behaviors to help their partner unlearn (ie. give ultimatums, shout, threaten to leave, gaslight, call out lies etc...). Most people are open to change, especially when it benefits them. However, many don't know how to encourage change in others. E.g. You're in a relationship with someone who is displaying narcissistic behaviors, your therapist tells you to "place boundaries" and BOOM watch as your partner's narcissistic behaviors skyrocket.. This happens because of a reaction called Reactance, where people resist being controlled. A 2014 study found that 53% of people with NPD showed improvement after two years. This suggests that actual narcissists *can* change, but the way help is often presented, like through interventions, usually causes them to reject it. In relationships, our own behavior significantly impacts our partner. If we don't manage our emotions well or start believing our partner is a narcissist and respond with toxic behaviors ourselves, like snooping through their phone or lying, it can trigger narcissistic behaviors in them. As soon as we 'start being cautious' then we become defensive and stop being vulnerable, it often leads to an increase in narcissistic behaviors in our partner. From my experience working with thousands of relationships involving narcissistic behaviors, I've observed that these behaviors reduce significantly when one partner changes how they approach problems and avoids going into defensive mode. Your behavior has a substantial influence on your partner, even if they do have diagnosable NPD. If you deeply believe that a partner cannot change and can't empathize with their behavior, it's unlikely they will feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you. Feeling safe and supported is crucial for both partners to foster change and growth, so if it's not actively being created by one partner then it won't simply appear by magic. I understand that this is not easy, and I don't blame anyone for wanting to leave a challenging relationship. However, it's important to be honest with ourselves. Often, we walk away because it's too hard to deal with the behaviors and we don't want to invest more effort, but it's important not to try to justify our own decisions to walk away by putting the blame on the partner and convincing ourselves that narcissistic behaviors can't change.

Thanks so much!!

I made a video on dual ADHD relationships!!

I'm really not sure what to say to that question tbh lol

Thank you so so much! That means a lot

It's the same process, it just takes longer. The key concept is putting aside the bias and judgement of their actions in order to communicate effectively with them. Ultimately if someone lies to you, if you want to cultivate the relationship and turn it around, then focusing on the lie will only create more damage than it heals. Like if someone stole food from you, focusing on how they were hungry in the first place should be the focus, not that it was wrong to steal the cookie. Focus on the cookie = you'll get defensiveness Focus on why they were hungry = you'll get to the root of the issue

I can understand it feel frustrating to deal with, however in terms of working with other people who are not yourself (different feelings, experiences, ways of working etc...) then to me it boils down to what is effective and ineffective. If you find that feeling that someone needs to grow up, looking down on them etc... is effective in supporting them, great! In my experience that's not very effective and will create a worse situation overall. I think if you want to cultivate a relationship with someone, then choose the best ways to do that to your mutual benefit, but if you don't want to work with the way their brain works then it seems ineffective to make that choice and then complain about how the ineffective way you treat them isn't working.

thanks for the feedback!

You're welcome!

Thanks for sharing your experience

As I said in the video, lying is something that every person on this planet does to differing degrees. So by holding onto a judgemental mindset about lying you essentially look down on your partners behavior (despite having lied before in your life), and if that is the case, why would they ever feel safe to talk about their feelings with a partner that doesn't see them as an equal?

@@BeUltranormal It depends on the depth and intent of the lie. There are white lies, and then there are outright destructive lies that are result in deep betrayal. When someone outright steals money from your bank account or sleeps with another person in a fully committed, monogamous relationship, those lies are damaging. The other person might be vulnerable, and feel they must lie to protect themselves and lie, but in reality they need to grow up and be transparent in these serious life scenarios. Lying about stealing the last piece of cake in the refrigerator-who cares. Stealing money and sleeping around is cruelty. These significant deceptions and blatant lies can absolutely destroy trust in a committed relationship. It’s harmful. At some point, it’s completely unacceptable and disrespectful to the other person and the relationship-it won’t last. #beentheredonethat

For me, it comes down to what is effective versus what isn't. If we think that someone simply needs to 'grow up' and wait for that to happen, it might not lead to the best results. I've seen members I've worked with go through tough times, like partners having affairs and breaking trust. But when they chose to respond differently, their relationships became stronger than ever, and they got to enjoy the benefits of that effort. Everyone has their own line when it comes to dealing with lies, and it's up to you to decide where that line is. However, if you want to cultivate a stronger relationship, walking away, judging, or blaming won't help. I understand and respect that choice, but my channel focuses on taking action and making radical changes, no matter how tough things get. There are many other channels that offer comfort in blaming others, but my goal is to help people take control and turn things around.

Couldn't break everything down in one video but I have a lot of videos with more details tools and strategies! 🙃

It's a really good thing to recognize these! Recognizing them is the first step to being able to *do* something about them. When I first start working with members they have the same reaction "oh damn I got work to do" but soon enough once you start to unpack them you can stop them from holding you back and start moving yourself forward! :)

It's absolutely one sided! The reason is that you cannot control someone else, what they do or how they act, you can only control yourself, your thoughts, beliefs, response and actions. So if you're looking for effective strategies to stop lies, you have 2 choices: 1) put the blame on someone else and either wait for them to change (ineffective), punish them for lying (ineffective), blame their character (ineffective), force them to stop lying (ineffective) etc... All of these psychologically cause 'reactance' which triggers peoples need for freedom and to not be controlled. So all of these options create more reason for your partner to feel unsafe around you. or 2) Develop the empathy for why the person would feel the need to lie in the first place, get to the root of the issue, and help show them that it's safe for them to express the truth. Yeah, it's a natural reaction to feel upset that someone is lying to you. But when you switch your mindset from taking someone's actions personally and understand they are lying because of their own feelings, then it's easier to de-personalize it and actually effectively work with your partner, developing more intimacy and a closer bond. At the end of the day, if your teammate is struggling, option 1 isn't going to help your teammate, option 2 is. But each to their own, if you find option 1 creates a stronger relationship, then that's great. It's just not my or my members experience.

@@BeUltranormal u totaly missed my point. There are many ppl out there, who lie, not because u didnt provide a safe space but because they are just used to it or do it on perpose to exploit u. And u tell me, i should try to comfort them? Hell no. If i know, someone had a terrible realationship before, where they had no safe space, ok, i will try to do the work and help them, if i knew before and was content with taking this on me but otherwise.. Option 3: accept, that the other Person got things to work on and is not willing to and leave them.

'Blaming character' is where I mentioned this exact situation. If people lie because they're used to it, the most effective way to deal with it is still the same answer, despite it being difficult. And in my experience, leaving a person is very ineffective in cultivating a relationship, or influencing a person to make more effective decisions for themselves. So, I definitely wouldn't consider that an option.

@@BeUltranormal i did this and ended up alone with underweight and the need for therapy.. 5 years gone, still struggeling with healing from this. no in this case u should end this and dont seek the relationship. Because u r not the one who need to do the work and if the other person dont want to do it u will only play therapist. Its not your partners job to be your therapist, your Partner is support for your therapy with an professional, and not more. I asked him years later once more... why did u lied to me, he said: i was afraid how u might react. I asked: what did i do, to make u feel this way? He answerd: nothing, it wasnt about u......... in the relationship i did what u said and he wasnt ready to answer before 3 years past, he kept saying i dont know i am just terrified (turned out he was abused by his ex) i would have been 5 years in a toxic relationship til he would be able to tell me just why, i am glad i left after 2 years (earlier would have been better thou). He should have been in therapy 3 years before we meet, he isnt til now, he wont work on this and is dismissing his childs feelings to avoid being honest. I guess i should send this video to his 12yo so he can try to make his dad feel safe...? Realy? Sorry but it begins to looks like u are putting ur problems on others or u putting mens problems on women. U allways put the accountability on the one getting lied to, no matter the situation, that cant be right. It should be either allways the one feeling not ok starting the talk or allways the one doing the proplematic behavior. For the second one will most likely not be aware, i recommend the one feeling not ok, should speak up and leave if there is no progress and working done from the other and not try to do the work of professionals, like i did 2 years.

I understand it can feel like it's not your fault that your partner is scared to talk about things with you. It might seem like I'm placing all the accountability on you, but that's not my intention. Relationships thrive on mutual compatibility, and when you choose to be in one, it’s important to strive to be your absolute best self. This helps create an environment where both you and your partner can flourish. I understand this approach isn't for everyone. Not everyone wants to take on the role of a leader or embrace such a high level of responsibility in a relationship, and that's completely okay. I spent over 30 years in relationships where I was cheated on. While it wasn't my fault, it took me a long time to realize that my behavior had a massive influence their decisions. This was a tough but important realization for me. This is why I advocate for focusing on our own actions and taking radical responsibility for them. When you can confidently say, "I took full responsibility and did it to an incredibly high standard," it brings clarity and peace of mind. Many of us believe we've done our best, and friends and family often reinforce this. However, it’s important to reflect deeply and be truly honest with ourselves as to what standards we are living by. This realization is why I became a coach. I saw the potential for higher standards and how relationships can transform when one partner takes the lead in creating massive positive change. We might spend a lot of time and energy believing we are creating a safe environment for our partner. However, a truly safe space is also free from judgment. After all, relationship problems are shared problems. When we place the burden solely on one partner, it damages the emotional safety of the relationship. Looking down on our partner as where the blame lies means that we are not creating a high standard of emotional safety, despite the fact that we may want to believe otherwise. I know this might not be what anyone wants to hear. I avoided these uncomfortable truths myself for over 30 years. There are many CZcams channels that offer comforting messages when you're feeling hurt, but in my experience they reinforce unhelpful narratives and disempower people from taking any action. I spent a lot of time watching those and found that my situation didn't change. Things started to change for me when I focused on how I handle my emotions, interpret others' actions, develop empathy, manage tough communications, and maintain high standards in my relationship. This is what started changing all of my relationships. I had been convinced that one family member was a narcissist because of the way I was treated by them, after radically changing the way I approach that relationship, we have an incredible bond and is one of my closest relationships. If I'd chosen to walk away and blame them, telling them they needed therapy (which I did tell them often) then I would have missed out on the new relationship I have with them. This approach isn't easy; it's hard work. However, for me and my members, this investment pays off in the long term. If someone prefers a different path, I completely understand. If someone chooses to leave their relationship, I understand. While walking away might seem easier in the short term, it comes with the trade-off of missing out on the long-term benefits of a deepened bond and a highly compatible partnership. Every choice has it's own pros and cons, and I respect any decision people make. I made this channel for people who didn't want the usual comfort food, and who wanted to join a huge growth journey, and along the way there'll be a lot of discomfort! But in this, I choose to see the discomfort as a place for massive self growth! :) I'll leave this as my last response as the thread is getting pretty long, but I'll read your next response and take on board what you have to say, I just want to say I appreciate the conversation, and I apologize for not having much more time to keep responding to it :)

A few of these can correlate with ADHD, although I don't really agree with the idea of 'traits' as, if they do appear they're simply learned behaviors that can be unlearned :)

@@BeUltranormal Which ones correlate in your opinion? Everything can be unlearned. He is very conditioned by his childhood trauma and he could heal these traits if he wanted to.

@@MissSarahGM I'd rather not comment specifically on someone's behavior that I haven't met tbh. But I have a few videos on some ways that ADHD can impact our emotions and ways we form our behaviors! They should all be in the ADHD playlist on my channel :)

Hey, thank you so much! I really appreciate the kind words. Honestly that means a lot

Y'know, I used to think that there were unforgivable lies. Especially in relationships (e.g. like infidelity etc...) but ultimately those 'unforgivable' lies were only ever based on how much my ego was bruised by them. Throwing away a relationship over a bruised ego is like quitting a job because your boss called you a jackass in front of the company. Sure it feels good to do in the moment, but at the end of the day it doesn't solve anything and all it does it reinforce to yourself that you should walk away from situations that you feel uncomfortable in. I'm not saying it's *easy* but I've seen (and worked with) SO many healthy happy thriving incredible relationships come together after trust has been broken.

Absolutely, I've made an ADHD relationship specific playlist on my channel, and there's a relationship playlist you can check out too!

If I can help just one person, my work is done. 🤗 Thanks so much for stopping by! :)

I'm not sure how this was meant, but I'm sure as hell gonna take it as a compliment! 🙃

How do you mean?

🎉

Thanks for the kind words! Yeah, I think that the idea of boundaries are something that feels like a good idea, but often creates more problems than it solves. Cultivating open communication and mastering your own emotions is the key to everything, once you've mastered those then you're already 80% there. :)

Thanks so much!

I can understand why people think that. At the end of the day, it can feel hurtful to be lied to, so it's uncomfortable to not think of lies as 'bad things', in order to protect our feelings & ego. I believe when it comes to lies, you are responsible only for yourself, your actions and your feelings. If you see lies as a 'bad' thing and you react with punishment/insults etc... then you are responsible for that reaction, not the person lying or the lie itself. Like I said in the video, everyone lies, even if it's omitting relevant details. So to bear judgement on other peoples lies is a huge bias that we have when interpreting other peoples behavior. So, while I understand why lies hurt, based on what I've experienced, read and studied, I personally don't believe the effective way to deal with them is to give a negative reaction. In fact, the psychology of punishing lies with a negative reaction only reinforces a persons desire to lie. So, for me it's really ineffective and quite unempathetic within a relationship to react in such a way. But, each to their own, if people find long term success in reacting that way, then that's great! It's just very far from mine and my members experience.

Thanks for stopping by!

I have a video on dual-ADHD relationships, check out my channel page!

I used to feel that way, but I think that such a heavy disconnection from others has an equally negative effect on relationships, but each to their own!

Social media can be an emotional drain, especially for ADHD. I steer mostly clear of it nowadays

Thanks for the comment. I think a lot of people get hung up on the word 'lie'. Whether you lie by commission (tweaking the truth) or omission (leaving out relevant information) it's simply a human trait.

I dont think insulting people is acceptable wheter you have autism, adhd or not. I had an autistic friend and his "honest" "rational" judgement were a dealbraker for me. I dont want another person in my life that bring me down. Why are people with those illnesses saying sometimes cruel things?

@@BeUltranormal I can't win you on this as, on a statistics level, it's true that most normal people lie. My statement is based upon how i am, and what i am creates my interpretation of the society & world around me.

@@Nina-ur3ld Well, its not we are out daily actively trying to find someone to insult. My point it that whatever our intention is there will no lie - in praise, i won't think of exaggeration or when insulting i won't say nonexistent things just to hurt extra. b/c exaggeration and speaking things just to hurt that you don't mean both are also lies. I empathize with you regarding your experience with your autistic friend. i understand that blunt honesty can feel cruel sometimes.

@@forgedude I think that if you have ever lied, then you lie. Which is everyone. While I am on the same page as you that I do not consciously, purposefully attempt to deceive people. 100% true. And yes, if you create your interpretation of what a lie is and that means that you do not lie, then sure you can create that reality for yourself. However, in my experience, it's not an effective interpretation for cultivating relationships.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough experience!