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This is very helpful. God bless you

I’m reading his book!

Very helpful advice, sir. 💯🙏🏿

This man has managed to look like a bloated, mottled corpse while still alive.

Im defensive when my partner constantly beats me down for something I’m trying to fix.

I get defensive when I try to communicate and my husband doesn't understand me and when I tell him about something and he doesn't do it we going back to what I suggested earlier.

I am defensive when my partner starts to tell me all the things they did right, instead of focusing on the issue. I find myself repeating and then yelling after they have repeated their view of what they thought I said dismissively.

If I feel I’m getting flooded I tend to counter back, repeat myself, snap, my words are like venom or I end up throwing a tantrum. Shouting, swearing, crying, throwing things 😬 geez no wonder he doesn’t bring things up 😅😭

I hate being defensive

Denying responsibility Making excuses Cross complaining Yes...but Repeating yourself I'm doing all of this. All the time. Thank you very much for this and your other videos and for telling me how to fix this.

I stonewall for sure. I get flooded with negative emotions and just shut down. At times I’ve left or picked up my phone or turned away and focused on work (I work at home.)

It would be very helpful if you could put down the references of the studies/research you talk about :)

I become defensive when I feel attacked. A lot of the time it feels like it is coming from nowhere in a blunt and harsh manner.

Yes, I am guilty of contempt. If my partner and I are in conflict and I feel like I have tried my best to meet my partner where they are, take accountability and seek a solution so we can move fwd. A lot of the time I am shot down with what I did wrong and and how I will never change or I always do the thing that has triggered conflict. It's frustrating.

Hi Sir. Criticism can be a tone. More importantly, I believe criticism is sharing uncomfortable information about someone in an unhelpful manner. For example: You are told, "Your breathe stinks." It is not shared to help you; it feels that way. It is shared pointing out a flaw without the intent of wanting you to be better for you. Add a brash or harsh tone that makes you feel taken back and I think that is critical. You are right! I do feel attacked with words like "always" and "never". Hurts my soul in conflict.

Thank you so much for all of this. I'm frustrated with my constant relapses and I know I can't do this alone.

I’d be interested in a video about what happens when the critical partner has asked for things nicely to be done, or for what they need, using these strategies and actively not being critical only to have their partner invalidate, not be consistent, or follow through after repeated attempts. It makes the more critical person feel really invalidated, unseen, and unheard, and all the “blame” is put on them. But how many times can they ask for help or support doing X or Z, and have their needs feel neglected before inevitably reverting back to criticism out of hurt and frustration?

Yes but

Husband gets on his phone, refuses to discuss anything with me, leaves the room, has driven off, does anything he can to avoid the conflict. Its kills me emotionally inside. I hate it. I can't feel love for someone who isn't there for me emotionally.

I was raised to not have my feelings, and now that I understand this, I am working to do better. My content is what I express. So I realize my example growing up was critical (I.e a character deficit rather than a behavior that results in some emotion). Knowing the difference wow, not who I really am. Your definition really helps, quite honestly and is not how I want to treat represent myself to others.

great video

It's great you put timestamp in your info description

You are right I am late..thank you for waiting. You are right I don't let the dog out...thank you for scooping the poop out of oure home.

I now am very cut off and this is matter of fact because I am so hurt by giving myself in the process. And being cut down.

I over work and I get into my daughters. I disconnect. He just say, I'm not doing this. I have to go to bed. I'm not fighting with you. You just want to fight and I'm not going to this. He does his own thing after work up to bed time. Then blaming me for wanting to talking about our relationship. I need to go to bed and you are holding me back from what is needed.

Do I need to do more?

But I am in counseling with emdr therapy and splankna therapy. Going back in my own life trauma and physical therapy at the same time. Trying to take ownership of my life. It's a lot... but my husband doesn't get this big growth. As well as my froggness in the process. They only focus on running their own place of being. I find this to be very hard and discouraging to my work. I am a libra he's a virgo.I want balance so bad in every way. He wants me to shut up and listen and hold all thoughts on the matter. Hands down, he is not listening or not getting it. I have put it out there for us. We both have both felt the same way. I understand that and I relate. I have taken all fault in most matters. I have been trying to handle this situation and growth in growing myself. And waiting on an understanding. My childhood abuse has me in a long time hardship and seeing whats wrong.

I most am a repeater and being locked in here is the real, not religious or spiritual life. You matter of fact mind state.

When I get dismissed or spoken to with disgrading works, stupid, dumb, belittled or my intelligence is challenged. Like I don't understand what you just said, but that's nothing new. Like I have no intelligence in talking.

he is reading this

Reactive abuse, we discussing something, he says something that triggers me, I react, then he says I am abusing him.

I think it would be very helpful to have actors playing out scenarios that you can critique. Showing what not to do, and then replaying the same scene with the right things to do. Even showing scenes from a movie if you can’t get actors.

Thank you for this video. I'm not sure I understand the difference between making excuses vs yes, but. I definitely do the latter by providing why I thought a certain way or did a certain thing - basically a justification/explanation. How is that different than providing an excuse?

OMG I wish my Boyfriend Scott would watch this video. This is EXACTLY what I been going through with him. He DEFENDS it ALL. I’m so Hurt‼️ we broke up today. Well I broke up with him today. Now, he is in a relationship with himself. Now he can defend that

Im not sure if it's criticism or not. I feel like he is criticizing me. He's always questioning EVERYTHING I DO. Why am I decorating the house the way I do? Why i watch the videos I do? Why do I take 2 showers in the day? Why am I washing my dishes the way I do? Why i wash laundry the way I do? Is that how I make egg salad?.....just a few examples. He questions everything about me. And he does it with a tone that gets me defensive. Kind of a mocking tone.

These videos are super helpful for me right now. When can we expect other videos? It can solve my relationships of 8,5 years....😔

Great video. Thank you for this useful info.

Have you ever considered how this can apply in day to day interacting with others? It just seems to be a real cornerstone in emotionally intelligent leadership development... Empathy coupled with emotional availability supporting words to actions setting up for successful follow through. Quantifying 80 percent success up to 110 percent success.... Just a thought.

Question of the Day - How does stonewalling show up in your relationship?

Question of the Day - When do you become defensive? How do you know that you are being defensive?

Questions of the Day How does criticisms show up in your relationship? How do you spot it in yourself or your partner? Comment down below.

Question of the Day - Is it hard for you to share your emotions (in a soft loving way) with your partner?

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