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Letting Dysfunctional Family Members GROW UP
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 6. 03. 2018
- Over-functioning is a serious problem along with codependency resulting in supporting the immaturity of others. In this video, we talk about the importance of allowing others to grow up we have to get out of their way. This builds self-differentiation as well as maturely placing the responsibility on others to grow themselves up.
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Please do a video on dating and how people should slow down which is healthy everybodyâs jumping in to have sex and jumping in to have them over their house and everything I just think gosh everything goes so fast nowadays we are on like fast forward mode!!!
No offense but people donât really understand what youâre talking about and less you give examples that really show what youâre speaking of because it sounds inhumane to not have any empathy for people at all so please give examples of when empathy is appropriate and when itâs not appropriate
Me too âŠand itâs really sad & difficult to make that decision. But self care is priceless and primary for me at this point in my life. My mental , emotional, spiritual health is most important. As Iâve grown, learning how damaged we all are because of narcissistic mother and enabler father, I have to protect myself if they want to remain in denial about the damage. So, I keep it light and fluffy with them. I engage with them, but on my terms. They want me to remain the scapegoat andâŠno. THATS, not an option. Take care of you first!!!
I have been doing these things mentioned, yes
it was love for my siblings. Back then, now I'm working and loving and doing my own self yet I have a couple of thorns on my side. I'm working onđ
Allowing others around you to grow up is a sign of respect and healthy distancing.
1000%
Iâve just done this with someone but I feel the coda guilt đź
Great video. Here are my notes:
Letting others grow up is part of self differentiation. This is not for relationships in which you need to go No Contact. You need to be clear that some people may not be able to grow up.
There are other steps besides those mentioned here. Jerry offers twelve in this video as follows:
1. Stay connected but do not do more than your part. This is about knowing where you end and others begin. You can say no whilst staying connected. You can set boundaries whilst staying connected.
2. Stop over-functioning. If we attract under-functioners we will be in a relationship system that pushes us to over-function. Carl Witaker said (somewhat crudely) âI only feed others not when they are crying but when I feel the milk over-flowing from my own nipplesâ. Trying to be perfect is also a form of over-functioning and there are others listed below.
3. Stop figuring people out. This is also a form of over-functioning. We do this to do othersâ work for them because they donât want to do it themselves. If youâre trying to figure people out, this is a form of enmeshment.
4. Stop over-sympathising or over-empathising. This is not a good thing to do if we are not well self-defined (and many of us are not). Itâs important to become well self-defined otherwise sympathising and empathising leads to over-functioning, codependency and enabling. Wise recommends practising feeling blocking and emphasising the thinking process to prevent this. This isnât about not feeling your feelings but about feeling them at appropriate times.
5. Stop enabling others. Donât do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Donât take on the consequences for others of their learned helplessness. Everyone has the same tasks as an adult - we can say no to doing othersâ tasks for them. Enabling helps and hurts others at the same time - it always hurts others.
6. Focus on your own maturation process and not othersâ. Too often we become experts on others but not on ourselves. Wise recommends Julie Hallâs Growing yourself Up and David Richaâs How To Be An Adult. He also referenced Edwin Friedmanâs The Myth of Shiksa And Other Essays. When we are immature we tend to focus on othersâ immaturity and needs. We need to focus on ours. We can be much more helpful to others when we do this.
7. Stop one-sided relationships. There should not be a giver and a taker in our relationships. One-sided relationships result from fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, shame and more. When our self-esteem is low we look for love and acceptance no matter what it costs us. We need to heal our low self-esteem.
8. Stop your illusions, naivety and fantasies. One of these is to hold the belief that we can change others. This starts with our parents, when we think that if only we work harder, do better, love more (etc.) we can change our parents. We may carry this into adult relationships, including relationships with our spouse.
9. Step down so they can step up. Become more mediocre! This places a point of leverage in your relationship such that the other person may step up. They also may not. If they choose not to, you need to deal with your illusions about them (see 8 above).
10. Get out of othersâ way. The universe sends repeated messages to people to invite them to mature - donât get in the way of those messages by fixing, rescuing, care-taking, over-functioning.
10. Stop defending yourself with others. Defending yourself means others donât have to look at themselves. This furthers their denial and keeps the focus on you. It also furthers your low self esteem. Defending yourself indicates enmeshment.
11. Focus on setting boundaries. Donât say anything that indicates self-doubt, even if you are doubting yourself. Donât try to make them understand.
12. Exit triangles. Triangles keep those who are immature from growing up. A classic example to illustrate this is the alcoholicâs wife who phones the boss on her spouseâs behalf to say her husband is ânot wellâ. This means the husband doesnât have to lie to his boss because the wife does it on his behalf.
Thank You Dorothy for consolidating this brillant talk into flash cards to refer back to.
My parents used sibling, a second spouse, and even attorneys to triangulate.
Other family members, same unhealthy dynamics and illusions.
But what I learned about being more helpless or mediocre.. They don't step up. Complete illusions.
Thank you so much for sharing your notes.
Thank you.
I had a friend that never respected my boundaries. I tried to address it with her, she got defensive and couldn't own it. I had to end the friendship. About every 3 months she would call and leave messages, I had to ignore it because I have personally found that when I return to a relationship that hasn't worked out the first time, usually doesn't work the second time either. I need to respect myself and my boundaries. If someone else cant respect me, I can't make them.
+Mercy Rada thank you for replying, I Ă ppreciate the validation.
+Mercy Rada thank you for replying, I Ă ppreciate the validation.
Good for you.
Well said!
Conformation. I may have to do the same.
This is a lot of info. It's painful. I feel like I don't belong to the group of people I am related to. It's lonely. I feel like I need, just about, all new people in my life.
I started my life over in a different area of the country to do so.
Christ, I am just so flipping tired of it all. I will just do my own thing & live . To hell with all people. Sigh.
Iâll be your friend. You n me sister.
I packed up and left father , mother, siblings and husband and drove from Alberta to Toronto Canada. Going on two years now and I have the Kingdom in my life which consists of love, joy and peace.
Sure why not, seek friends, do activities that you like and make friends.
Donât try to figure people out! Best advice I ever heard. I am always trying to figure people out. What a waste of a life time. Stop enabling. Saying NO is a very powerful skill that girls in particularly are never taught growing up. We are taught to serve, to be polite, take on a care taker role and same is expected in the work place. We end up used up, exhausted and no closer to self knowledge and self acceptance and understanding of our own awesomeness. Stop stepping up! Stop trying to be awesome! The price of nice! O M G.
Yes!
That price, cost me everything... by someone only intending to take, all along. Stay safe & be well.
I realise I so easily get enmeshed and end up feeling so guilty
Very well said!
Amen, sister!
Had the same experience a 20 year friendship. She didn't want to take responsibility for what she said. She liked to have " No filter." She wanted me to continue our friendship like that. I ASKED. " It seems like you want me to just forgive you and keep going in this " friendship" like we have been. You don't want to be responsible what you say?". She said," yes, please. " I told her I was no longer willing to do that anymore. She calls my daughter, she texts me on Facebook message ( though she defriened me). She keeps asking " Don't you want to talk to me?" NO, I don't. I don't miss your violent hissy fits and your cruel mouth.
He is describing what I did with my first husband. I became his mother. I had a false belief about who he was and why he had the problems he had. I believe focusing on his issues allowed me to not focus on myself. I was always on top, always the good one because I was always helping him but in helping him the true motivator was my feelings of worthlessness. ..needing to feel validated. He needed to be the screw up, victim because that served him. Being codependent is so sneaky..I find myself tryingbto fix, convience people all the time. Thank goodness I m recognizing it more.
Same here. I finally got fed up and left the best decision I ever made. I was mad and angry ALL the time. Finally getting my stuff together
Yes!!!! I was a mother too!!
If you look at this from the clinical perspective, aka Prof. Vaknin. All narcissists want a " new mother." Their mother failed him and they search for a new one. It always fails. It is baked into the cake called " narcissism ", sadly. No one can successfully " remother" them. The window on their development is permanently arrested. That is hard to accept.i was hard me for me to accept anyway.
Even Jesus says to guard your heart. If you use your head to control your heart you can negotiate more effectively. All relationships are negotiation.
Thank you..I found that a very helpful insight
Wow finally a therapist that doesnât victimise codependency đ thank you for you articulate simply put analysis and advice. Perfect!
when I set a small boundary with my sister's, they cut me off then talk behind my back and say there's something wrong with me. It is hurtful and when address it, they can't own any of their part. You said stop trying to figure people put. A friend of mine once said, not my circus, not my clown!! Jerry, I love all of your videos. There doesn't seem to be as many people who have this kind of understanding.
mary wolfe hi I have toxic sisters too sometimes when you stop reacting to their games they get it in time. It may take years so live your life and spend time with nice people who love you â€ïž
mary wolfe you are lucky it's only your sisters that cut you off. My entire family is this way. They all believe that you must sacrifice your happiness for their own because they continue to make foolish decisions.
Just Me..you're not alone. My family is the same way. I had to go no contact with most of them. I hear you!
Mary...you just described my two sisters! Iâm oldest of 5. Two youngest sisters close in age, they tag team me with insensitivity....
Indeed. I've also heard the one.. "not my monkeys, not my circus!". If dealing w/ those who are narcissistic, w/ flying monkeys, it definitely applies. ;) Stay safe & be well.
The price of nice is too high!!!
It is really hard to tell a good friend or close family member that you don't like the way they treat you.
Ya, true. It was a good point a friend gave to me: you donât need to put all your cards on the table. You will know who earns your energy and trust. For me, when I drew that boundary, the low-emotional people and family members faded to the background, and, gratefully, healthier people showed up. No magic words. Just learned to stay within my energy, found inner calm, a calmer, relaxed voice, and the magic happened
U gotta look at it like if u love them u want what's best for them. That's how it became easier for me
People just need to learn to respect others. Usually these kinds of things happen when one wants to control the other.
Pattern. If anyone is nice to me even someone who has been nasty to me in the past - instantly my codependency/low self worth hicks in and l overgive in gratitude. I feel so sad seeing this, and the struggle to overcome that pattern. I fall into it many times, but this video has woken me up. Very painful. The lonelyness of health. The world of people is so fucked up. I am 60 and struggle integrating this so l can be real, be me, be free.
Jerry, i listened to this again and again, I want to say thank you. Because, I am trying to figure people out because I want to know if I am safe with them. But if I am questioning it, they probably are not good for me. Also, the over functioning is very draining emotionally. I need that energy for me. Bless you Jerry!
Great advice! I appreciate so much. I'm a recovering rescuer. Late bloomer. But I'm BLOOMING!
Yay!! Me too, itâs taken a long time, lots of recovery but it feels so good. Congratulations!
"Step down, so they can step up." I needed to hear that, regarding the relationship with my mother. I have noticed, that when I stepped down, she never stepped up. I am realistic about my expectations of her, I have none. I have learned that you can not make anyone be anything that they do not desire to be. I have had to accept that my mother is exactly where she needs to be in my life. I would not be who I am and have the ability to thrive, if she were dependent of me. Great advice.
You are very welcome.
Thank you for watching my videos.
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This is Gold. I am a rescuer and so is my husband, we are constantly rescuing his mother and it has harmed us so badly. Thank you!
They will drown you.. if you allow them.
This talk is not about full on Narc bread crummy psychos.. but perhaps some of their flying monkeys who sensed something about the dynamic was off, may benefit from growing up.
And I just need to add that I realize the only thing /person in my life that is not a narcissist is my cat. Amazing right?
Lisa Marie
Lol!! I totally agree! !! My beagle is not narcissistic or manipulative in any way!
Amen to that!
I would trade every friend ive had the last decade, for my cat, r.i.p...
I have no pets there is no one in the world that I know that is not NPD! All these years I thought I was the one with problems!
Exactly.....l had to creative things so l can get away from the these narcissists ..
"Stay connected to others but do not do more than your part", this is so challenging with a narc because they don't understand how to operate independently so they demand everything and if you give them just something they will take that to mean they can take everything so the only way to handle that is to really just give really little but then it looks like your mad at them, when really your not, your just trying to unlatch them from needing you and giving them crumbs is the only way to do it otherwise they devour you, you know?
Iâm about to move across the world to start over... I have tried to keep connected to my family, but they donât respect me and itâs not working. Enough is enough.
If I had a golden medal, Jerry, it would be given to you for this lecture. I love all your lectures but here it is nailed for me. A huge thank you! It's freeing!
I've heard the word codependent so often and for so long that it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. But this video explains/describes every bit of it so well.
true
I frankly find it a cheap term that oversimplifies things and blameshifts onto the victim of a narcissist. I removed the word codependency for my dictionary years ago
This video is relevant to every human being. Thanks.
I agree
Holding my hands up by being a rescuer. I don't know how to find the balance yet. Getting out of their way can cause terrible anxiety for both parties but it is worth it in the end. Brilliant work Jerry.
Thank you
âStanding Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissistâ
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOAâs, ACONâs, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Donât Realize Youâre Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And moreâŠ
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In one video of you thereâs the content of 50 videos!!! this is so dense in genius matter, my brain is exploding while im trying to correctly write down the titles you quote. Ill need to rewatch this multiple time before watching any of your other videos. I am extremely impressed
This is one of the areas I still need to work a lot on, especially with my immediate family members...it is wonderful how you explain that this is not about cutting off or being 'cruel' to anyone, it is actually allowing them to reach their own true potential, as God intended. Trying to 'protect' them is not allowing them to see how strong and capable they really are...it's hard though, when the world seems so dangerous in so many ways, although of course there is so much beauty and so many people doing fantastic things
Spot on!
Paraphrased
"Attracting underfunctioners...
Pushes us to over functioning,
Give more than what we want to give, more than what we have to give."
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear!!! Since I embarked on the journey to self-love, I have had many breakthroughs about my patterns with other people. Once I realized that I am an enabler, a people pleaser, perfectionist that feels burned out from overworking and taking on more than it's my share, I have started to make changes with people. What I noticed is that it is harder than I thought. These changes will upset people and one needs to be ready to let them go in order to stop the cycle. I am all for the change because something did not feel authentic about sacrificing for others. I want to be a good person but not while I mutilate me.
This has been so eye opening. I need to grow up and let others grow up. Thank you.
This is gold!
Gold Jerry!
Lord oh God I need deliverance . Iâm always helping others , always over functioning , too accomodating and Iâm wondering why Iâm unappreciated. Narcissist are truly parasites . Thankyou for this video sir!
Thank you. You are a blessing in my life.
You are so welcome
Brilliant teaching. Just brilliant . I need all those steps .THANK you for being generous and making videos that are solid truth and advice that will worg although they are hrd to do ,because illussions and immaturity in my own heart is road number one ....I am 61 and have just realised that all my taking too much responsibility in relationsships is fear based and based on my own cry for love ...how immature that I am and a pain to the ones I overrelate to ! my word blinders are coming off my eyes in rapid pace today ! I want to grow up from a healthy source now my time is come to stopbeing this mini adult persona I developed growing up and pretended to myself like as if I didnt have normal needs because they were not met ,I need to get to know my self ! At age 61 !!
I hope you are feeling better now. It's never too late until you're 6 feet under!
52!
WOW!!!!! May I just take a moment to say Jerry, this video post was so timely and thank you for willingly setting aside time to record that for the benefit of those seeking help in this area of growth. God has blessed me with greater understanding by finding your video posts and the resources you have pointed to. I have bought so many of the books you have suggested since the new year and took a break from your videos to read and reflect and do some work on myself to heal and grow. Its actually so much more refreshing than I expected self-therapy to be. I consider you a "life coach" for me as you point the way back to how to become a healthy normal. I genuinely appreciate your sharing your knowledge in this format. I do not have the resources at this time to contribute to the making of more videos like this, but I pray that God will richly bless you in return for being a such a blessing to others through all the blessings that are ours in Christ Jesus. Amen!
Another amazing enlightening lecture.
Toxic childhood produced an interesting programming. I was convinced helping others, propping up others above all things, first and foremost, was necessary for happiness.
Pretty twisted and unsuccessful program
I grew up seeing adults not making decisions for themselves and now I'm working on my codependency...I always felt angry and responsible for them I didn't knew why...but now I know. It has been a long journey and lots of learning. It has been hard to stop over feeling and keep a more balanced interaction. Thank you Jerry. Your work is so great! Thank you.â€đSo true" become intentionally more mediocre. Step down and see if others will do anything. Don't step on anybody's way"...still learning.
†Dec 26, 2023~Just came across this....about five years too late for the dysfunctional family of origin I came from. Thank you for your work, Jerry â€
You're very welcome!
Lots of good advice in this video! With my husband, i came to see that i was always getting in the way between him and God. God was trying to teach him ( through painful lessons since he refused to actively learn) but i kept jumping in between saying " I know what to do! I can fix him!" When in fact, i knew nothing...it took me a long time to stand aside and let God do what needed to be done.
This good advice. I was an enabler, nice person in my last relationship hurt him and myself. Need to be independent from here on
Gonna edit or add onto my own def/understanding of what a codependent I am in my codependency: the enabler AND one who "overfunctions" in relationships.
That's good Jerry Wise. Thankyou
It softens the harsh(self) judgement of the word "enabler" for me and makes my contribution to the dysfunction more clear
I'm very grateful to be able to hear these words at my old age. Of course it would have been wonderful if I knew this when I was in my twenties and thirtiesâ€â€â€â€
Me too,I'm 66...
@@berenicehickey9755 I'm not quite that oldđ
Jerry, you are a gem - Thank You so much for sharing & support !đ
One of your best videos for dysfunctional families. I listen to it every week... excellent compilation đ
Wow, thank you!
Jerry, I just looked at a video you published in Sept 2017 and you look to be heavy and uncomfortable. You look and sound incredible now. I lost 100 lbs. last year. Letting go of toxic people & negativity helped me to take the reigns of my life. You are a wonderful life coach. I wish you well. I thank you. Peace.
Thank you sir this has been very helpful for me
This makes a lot of good senseâŠ. Some of these, I have tried just through common senseâŠ. and well, now I am the crazy, toxic, delusional, out of my mind person.
Often we need to accept to allow ourselves be the "crazy, toxic, delusional, out of my mind person' to actually stop being all of that for ourselves
There is a ton of wisdom in this. I liked it so much I listened to it 2x đâ€â€ blessings Jerry.
Glad you enjoyed it
Your videos are exactly what I need and frankly what many people need. Having grown up in a dysfunctional family I have tried to raise my children very differently and now am turning the healing lens on myself. I'm in my 50s but it's never too late.
Thanks Jerry for your generosity in sharing this important information.
This is a very good video - I am guilty of being an enabler & I have realized the damage it does in preventing people from growing up & maturing & how much it has hurt me in giving more than I can afford. This is very helpful in starting to make changes to help myself & help others in a better way. Thank-you!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
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7:24 I knew I needed not to over feel before learning I didn't need to. . . That's what "you've gotta go now" was
Thank you for this video. For a parent, there is such a fine line between helping our children and allowing them to learn from their mistakes.Please upload that video you talk about quickly! :-)
Especially for kids who've had serious trauma.
My experience - Toxic people do not take responsibility for their own bad behavior, for their own mistakes. They blameshift alot. They expect help but give no help; they expect compassion and empathy, but give no compassion and empathy. In relationships they only or mostly take, but do not give (love, compassion, empathy, time, grace, etc.).... They shame instead of giving functional feedback. They have very often been traumatized by something serious in their childhood, but the do not deal with their trauma appropriately, instead and so they demand attention, time, ect.
Narcissists often frame care taking for a legitimately ill (physically) person as ENABLING. This really is beyond wrong and needs clarification. My family narcs are destroying me and my son by claiming he is not ill though he has 3 MD's stating he IS! My reputation has been ruined flying monkeys that are not present, some never have been, some not in years.
I am homebound with nursing care and yet the threats do not stop. Homeless this week because the narc is believed. I'm lucky my son is still here. All I can do is keep learning, keep self help, and be thankful to have your videos!
I'm staying kind because of my beliefs. Nothing will ever change him and there's no will any longer to try. I just want peace and safety.
Will I ever find kindness and safety? I'm choosing to believe so.
My narc mother denies I am sick to her family and friends, seeking their empathy because she is helping us financially. Gaslighting non stop. Resentment and misguided anger are directed at us everyday.
Thank you for your great work! đŻđđđ
I truly do not know where I would be if it were not for your videos and explaining this.. My childhood was horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy... Your videos are helping me through a particularly painful part of my life and I am finding comfort in listening to them while I am in my bed and finally having some answers I have been searching for, for over 35 years. From trying to commit suicide a few times, to thinking about it 4 days out of the week, to the trauma and horrible abuse I suffered at the hands of adults and then again in foster care and lack of support and love from my own family (who I believe doesn't know how to love or treat people) to relationships of my own that consisted of me being abused in one way or another. I had been walking in absolute darkness of who I AM.. and I am now at the ocean of creating myself and am not always sure where to start sometimes. I suffer from severe depression and am currently studying for school (I never completed high school) and even on my down days where I am feeling lost torn and defeated I continue to study even if I am crying. I have such a difficult time with people who don't treat me well. I am sensitive to it and I can't understand why. Im such a problem solver and always thought "If I could just understand why, then I can solve this problem, or somehow help." But it never works that way. I always wind up hurt defeated feeling and left wondering what I did wrong.. It is like my mind tells me what you are saying to do, and I know it is right, yet I have not applied it because I just don't know how. It's like giving a person a math problem who has never seen math before or was taught it. I don't even know what love is. All I have ever known is pain and turmoil. Most everyone I have met had some type of hyper focus on me and succeeding in making me feel worthless, or assuming things about me, or treating me like I am a burden or that everything about me is "wrong".. and since I was a kid, I believed them all.. As a child I actually believed that the abuse I received was somehow my fault, I deserved it because I must be bad.. But now as an adult I find myself questioning that very belief. I wrestle with myself wondering if it is true. and then trying to figure out how to believe that I myself am good, and worthy, and worth loving. I recently left my ex do to manipulation and constant blaming and denial on his part that he adamantly doesn't see, yet everyone else can. I realize I am a co dependent type. I went away in myself and hid from the world for years. On social security due to my psychological struggles with depression and PTSD etc. I feel like I have been bound by these things which have held me down and I hadn't really ever thrived. I am now with friends who truly do love and care about me and accept me just the way i am. I go to church with them twice a week and they have shown me more kindness and genuine acceptance than people I have known my entire life and insist that I be with them rather than being alone like I was always so used to. I am grateful and I hope that because I get to spend time with them, like the parents I never had, that somehow someway their behavior will rub off on me and I can eventually learn to demonstrate their unconditional love and kindness they have graciously shown me.. You are a Godsend (at least to me) Mr Jerry and I look forward to more videos in the future of yours. Please know that because of you and your willingness to share what you know, it makes me think twice about wanting to give up..
Sorry you had to go through all that. You are enough, repeat over and over. Stay strong, move forward. All the best :)
I hope you are doing better (I see your response was from a year ago).
God bless and keep you.
@@ballyantonia
Thank you all! â€
Update. I am doing fantastic!! I let go of trying to understand other ppls motives. Because at the end of the day none of their nonsense is or ever was mine to deal with! I don't have to fix it or be responsible for other ppl! Only my own self! What a HUGE relief to know this truth â€
I walked a dark path internalizing other ppls junk. Once i realized the truth i said "wow!! I don't have to deal with any of that at all!" I've never looked back since!
@@katherinebruce500
Thank you all! â€
Update. I am doing fantastic!! I let go of trying to understand other ppls motives. Because at the end of the day none of their nonsense is or ever was mine to deal with! I don't have to fix it or be responsible for other ppl! Only my own self! What a HUGE relief to know this truth â€
I walked a dark path internalizing other ppls junk. Once i realized the truth i said "wow!! I don't have to deal with any of that at all!" I've never looked back since!
I wish I had this information 25+ years ago, I would have saved myself a lot of heart ache! However. now that I have broken out of the toxic cycle of overfunctioning and allowed those around me to grow up (and walk away from those that refuse to grow up), I feel so much better. This should be taught in middle and high school. I teach preschool and we help our young students learn independence and critical thinking skills. I find it much easier to walk away from toxic situations, after I have tried to deal with them in mature ways.
My goodness Sir!!!
You've described me to a tee!!!! As a child of a mom who was an addict and father who was an alcoholic...both brothers addicted too....I was the oldest, took on the mom role at 8, cared for all 4 people literally up till parents died years ago, emotional.incest by both parents, physical and other abuses by family as well as spouse, not understanding WHY I chose this man...my 28 marriage to a narcissit is over and thank God above I've come to my senses before he destroyed me literally!! I've been one of those giving 150%!!! Including my daughter who is a chip off her father's block! I'm the "cruel, selfish and toxic person'' according to both of them.
It's heartbreaking to have my child treat like her father, but as I've started to embrace my co-dependency and need for personal work and focus on who I am....thank you for all you've done for me! God bless you with such direct but calm delivery and wisdom.....#dedicatedfollower. #nolongerstrugglinginoklahoma
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I need to listen to everyday to break these patterns.
This is a great video. Thanks, Jerry. I am faced with this paradox though - my childhood trauma made me super empathetic. I tend to use my ability to read other people's feelings and comfort them in exchange for love and acceptance. When I do that though, I get very exhausted. It just doesn't work. But all of my friends whom I have known for 20+ years tell me they have been SO helped by my empathy over the years, and they point out that this is clearly my spiritual gift. One of them said I helped him heal from a deep depression by just being there and offering my "gentle energy". He says I am a "spiritual healer". So, while I really appreciate my friends' feedback, I know that this "gift" has a dark side - when I focus on the emotions of others, I get worn out. So my question is: should I continue to initiate relationships with people (I love to do it) even though I know I should be abstaining from getting love and approval that way?
Perhaps become a Life Coach or paid for the work you do.
If you feel burnt out, depleted, or broke then yeah you gave too much, and or to the wrong people. People who didn't value your gifts.
"Grow Yourself Up" book.
As I''m listening to you, I keep saying "Wow". This is exactly what I'm not doing. So helpful, so revealing. Love these revelations.
Wonderful!
Wow! Firstly serendipity that I stumbled across the 1st step being the 1 thing I needed to validate recent events and how I have reacted to them.
Coming from an extremely dysfunctional upbringing I can recognise myself in the 12 steps. I think this is very accurate advice. Really appreciate this in my life right now.
A brilliant summary every person should know about relationships!
Jerry, as much as I love your long-form videos, this is probably your most important one. Thanks for all you do!
Very welcome
Thank you for this â€ïž Iâm still in recovery. I had to let go of a lot of people, and people I deeply cared about. I had to let go of a âfriendâ just last week because every conversation with her drained the life energy from me. I had to block her from all sources. I ignored her calls for months, and she persistently blew me up. She even posted on my social media after I ignored her relentless calls, until I accidentally answered yesterday. I was browsing the Internet, and I accidentally tapped my screen just as she called đĄ. That was a sign I had to let this friendship go. One of those people who keeps you holding the phone for hours, and is clingy when you need to resume back to your life. This video is right on time.
Diva 504
Why rudely ignore her? Why not prove you were truly a friend (if you were) or are indeed the better behaved of the two of you by providing her the basic human decency of telling her the truthful issue you have/had with her.
She probably wasn't taught to interact socially in the ways you'd prefer her to.
Best wishes toward your recovery! :)
OakleyANDSittingBull hi. I have told the truth many times, and she got hypersensitive. I felt I had to walk on eggshells.
These people KNOW what they are doing to you but they just don't care, why give someone like that the 'decency' No be decent to yourself and get rid of them! you shouldn't have to tell a grown man/woman how to treat you! and if you do tell them they react like spoiled children having a toy taken away, get them out of your life and don't look back these people WON'T change. I felt like I was walking on landmines round mine, evil spiteful vicious snakes!
Diva 504 hi. You friend might have BPD. In all reality she prob. does not have a clue she has a condition...but sounds classic by symptoms of behavior you describe. It would be worth to google it.
I hope it will resonate.
mysticpizza02 Itâs not them. It is a condition called BPD. Educate yourself and please overcome your own hate and hurt to not spread it amongst others. Compassion would be more appropriate. Thanks
Your series of guidance is one of the most amazing tools for our family. We have a narcissist who is disrupting the family after being infantilized by mom and being enabled by an empath dad. THANK YOU!
Kindness and compassion starts with self, and with healthy boundaries. Be kind but do not be nice. Niceness is for people pleasers, kindness is honest and grounded in compassion.
Written as a previous trauma bonded over-sympathetic âniceâ person now in recovery. Iâve been there, enmeshment rescuer, enabler etc etc! Pema Chodron saved me from myself, as did videos like this one. Thank you đđŒ
Thank you for watching...
âStanding Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissistâ
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOAâs, ACONâs, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Donât Realize Youâre Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And moreâŠ
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
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www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Figuring them out has opened up a whole new world of knowledge... I had no idea what personality disorders were, co dependency... figuring them out erased my hatred because now i understand.
I love this guy.
Me too--Come back, Jerry!
As an Empath I needed to hear this. Thankyou for clarifying everything I need to stop doing in order to heal myself.
Wow.... What an eye opening about defending myself. That is amazing
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! This is one that's going into my favorites.
thank you, Jerry, you are my hero life teacher! I needed someone like you telling me this all my life!
OMG! I feel like I am in a prize fight. Left to the jaw. Right to the jaw. A strong upper cut. Bam! Its a TKO! She's down for the count. The info in this video was so painful to hear. My eyes were opened even more. I have so much work ahead of me. I want ...need to become the best version of myself possible. I owe it to that girl interrupted so many decades ago. So much work. Too little time.
Thanks! Brilliant life lessons! I shall keep this in my loop for repeat watching to internalise the suggestions.
Lemon Spring agree with you!
Jerry I just found your channel today. Thank you this is great material for my recovery from ACON and 28 year marriage to a narcissist.
Oh my God
Thank you so much for helping me. You are such a blessing. Thank you.
I find self awareness to be the key to at least recognizing the patterns..đđœ
I always knew the people around me were broken children from broken families with broken past's. I don't know why I discarded my own feelings and let them do this to me. A scapegoating mother. A narrasistic Father. Two doctor's committing Malpractice. And now a Narrasistic spouse. Toxicity everywhere I turn. I've been so lost and living a grey flannel life. I'm disappointed with myself, yes. But I know I had the courage to learn from it and change for the better, which I find pride in. I want to give my children their best chance. Teach them to protect themselves when I can't. I must break these broken chains. I must let these broken people drown until they are willing to cut the bricks off of their own feet. Lord help me find peace in what I'm about to do. As I'm a mother, and understand the pain of these broken children. And know that I can not save them, for they must save themselves.
Awesome video! Very helpful. So much of it is counter-intuitive for me because I am Inmeshed with people in general, I have a habit of over empathizing, and over helping, figuring people out, over sympathizing, etc. etc. This work is exactly what I needed. I have healed a lot of my social and educational anxieties, and this year has been about overcoming codependency, and my habits of impulsively seeking social validation. Thank you for creating this youtube channel, you've introduced me to the concept of Self Differentiation. Now what I have been working on for the past 8 months has a name!
This is excellent. I cannot believe how selfless and codependent I've been all these years. My counselors were idiots. Thank you, Jerry!
Your videos are so helpful, thank you!
This is such excellent information.
Unfortunately, my family of origin was so hopelessly dysfunctional that I needed help as a very young child.
It should be taught in schools.
Most of us learn this wisdom far too late after the wreckage.....
I'm glad it was helpful Margaret. I wish this was taught in schools. Societies would need to be mature and differentiated for this to reach the educational system.
Until then, it is our job to teach this to ourselves and live it so it passes on to our kids.
Bless you , and thank you for your wise words .
This was for me today. †thank you.
So glad!đ
Thank you so much Iâm listening to this over and over as I see so many others are as well. The exactness and how you break it down is clearing up so much confusion and helping snap me out of it! Growing up with an NPD parent always orienting to her needs above all you miss out on a certain foundation. Thatâs so basic for so many that itâs like the air we breathe we almost donât even notice it. That itâs hard to identify to yourself Even though you can tell something very important is missing. Every once in a while when I get another crucial piece I get an image of the ground filling in one more piece of that puzzle. Thank you!
Iâm really glad my videos are helping you. I resonate that this journey is like a puzzle, enjoy the journey.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey
I think this is one of your best video. So informative. Thank you!
I needed to hear this message.
Great topic!!! You should make a book about it.
I think I need to watch this every day! Thank you, Jerry! â€ïž
Thank you SO MUCH! I've been dealing with these situations lately and didn't really know how to unmesh... I didn't know how to assume my role as a daughter and these tips are great things keep in mind and help me do just that. Thank you, this is just what I needed â€ïž
Thanks for your insight and wisdom greatly appreciated and respected
I have an older sister who I did not return a call or text soon enough. Her response was to suggest she call the police to do a wellfair check on me. Now I'm the turkey cause I told her to lose my number. She feels justified in how she relates to me. I've gone no contact, she is now trying to know what's going on through my kids. Her four daughters have all moved out of state, I don't think it's a coincidence???
I'm only in my 60's, not at death's door.
another powerful video, thank you!
Great to see you again....you look good.....very helpful new video...as always... thanks
This was amazing! I wish all therapists were as knowledgeable as you. Thank you.
Thank you. I plan on watching more of your videos. Very helpful.
You spoke as if you've been inside my head forever. I'm I'm the ninth of ten children, all ACoA, and I am the one who needs to grow up. At 59 years old, I'm beginning my journey of self-awareness. Thank you. đ
I just found you a few weeks ago, but truth is eternal!
I have it to give.... but i remain on the bottom of her giving list. No reciprocity. She has compassion for everyone but the one who helps her!
Absolutely truth!! So helpful indeed and sheds light where it has been dark in my life. Thank-you for your insightful videos.
This video by far has been one of the best I have heard. Each of the 12 points was VERY helpful. Thank you Jerry for sharing such valuable information.