I Am a Chronic People Pleaser (How Do I Stop?)
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- čas přidán 11. 09. 2024
- I Am a Chronic People Pleaser (How Do I Stop?)
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It’s amazing once you reach your ‘I don’t care anymore’ era. I have ruined my life pleasing people. Now… I will love people but not to the detriment of myself.
I wish that I was there. I'm still a people pleaser and it's done nothing for me but cause heartache and pain.
This was extremely helpful today. To hear "you're weaponizing compassion and empathy to get what you want, which is everyone to be okay" is so true. And calling it a weaponization helps me realize it's not this virtuous thing to be compassionate or empathetic if it's not genuine and I get resentful later. In a weird way that's what I needed to hear to have the permission to be more genuine
People pleaser is a misnomer because it’s not that everyone around you must be pleased by you but that they must not dislike you. Pleasing them is one method but being invisible is another. Whatever the method the purpose is to camouflage yourself so you’re never a target of others’ frustration or anger.
This is 100% my issue
Exactly this
My mother taught me to be a people-pleaser. Had it reinforced by my alcoholic father as a way to avoid conflict. Tell me to do just about anything and I will probably say yes.
This is me too!!
same here, but i'm recovering and i'm teaching my mom to say FK NO as well.
Ok: start loving yourself and setting healthy boundaries
That'll get you 😈
I literally got a FELONY because I listened to what my crazy ex told me to do
@@Texaslife98 u like losers then... ur a walking red flag
You will get rewarded with more work if you people please.
Facts
And yet, I can't stop. Why? Ugh
It's a tough cycle to get out of. I'm struggling with this as well.
I'm learning the hard way. Never again!
😂😂 until you eventually say No and they resent you for it. If I have to buy your love then I can’t keep buying it. I have other things to do.
Honey, people pleasing isn't caring for anything/anyone other than avoiding your own distress.
ah no. not always. r u sayong then doctors and the like are frauds?
Or sometimes people people please in order to have something to brag about.
@@tundeterez im not understanding that concept..why would that action bring about bragging? can you give an example. ty
@@tawjeparker7203 Victim narcissists brag about all they've done for someone else.
@@tundeterez oh ok. thanks for that quick response. i couldnt picture what you were describing. 😊
I hate the way people pleasing is always presented as manipulative.
It is emotional dishonesty AKA giving people the wrong impression about what you want and who you are, so they will like you/be happy. If you give them the wrong impression, you can make them like you. You know it’s the wrong impression and you choose to present it to get what you want: being liked. That sounds like manipulation and control to me.
@AlwaysLime its usually the unconscious result of chronic gaslighting and people pushing you to do things you don't want to do. Some people with cptsd are literally not aware or have trouble identifying how they feel or what they want. Nevermind trying to give themselves permission to feel that way. Nevermind having the courage or support to express it in a hostile environment. I've been in several abuse relationships that I had no idea were abusive because I was raised to believe I had no right to feel bad about the way someone treated me. I was r-ed and told the police to go home because it was my fault. I wasn't secretly trying to win over my abuser. You've clearly never had someone you love scream in your face or shame you any time you tried to express not liking how you were treated. Everyone knows manipulative is a prejorative term. Acusing people of secretly plotting against others to get them to do what they want is unhelpful at best and shaming at worst. Totally unnecessary to educate someone on how to get their needs met who quite literally doesn't know how.
@AlwaysLime the wildest thing about people pleasing is that you deny your feelings because you think caring for yourself makes you a bad person. Then so many mental health professionals and youtube personalities make it worse by telling the same people who are living their lives in fear of not being a good person that they're not a good person. I've had to have therapy to undo this crappy therapy. I'm not wearing a label someone else made for me because I know my own intentions. Even when there was a better way to do something, I forgive myself because I did not know.
@@bethanyjohnson8222well said!
I cured myself by coming to the conclusion that I am not God. There is an arrogance in thinking other peoples life is somehow in your control or that you have power to fix everything. There is also arrogance in thinking you are above asking for help. We think it’s vulnerability or even self victimization but really it’s about control.
I’m this woman 100%. I’m kind to EVERYONE and when I don’t get it back from them, I’m very hurt.
Me too big time! This lady sounds a lot like me.
don't be a doormat
I know why Im a people pleaser. Been a people pleaser since my first childhood memories. All I could remeber is being yelled at by my mothers boyfriends for everything. Being grounded by them for just wanting to spend time with my mom.
So now I avoid any chance of being yelled at. Or "getting in trouble".
I definitely learned the fawning method from my childhood.
You can probably just imagine what kind of relationship I got myself into.
As a fellow physician in private practice, owner with 20+ employees to help manage, this had me jumping up and down, pointing emphatically at my phone as my wife was standing beside me. I’m right there with you sister. Right there. Same feelings. My space, my things that make me feel ok are playing music and being out on the water fishing. I’ve said out loud when motoring upriver in my boat by myself, “I can breathe out here.” All too often, that boat sits in storage because I feel like other things and other people require my being there doing things (too many patients already on the schedule to take off for that, sure they can be seen even though they’re 20 minutes late, that’s ok that they ripped me apart on a review even though I felt we had a good relationship). I too have found that life is easier if I just do what I think other people want from me.
This one hit me in the chest hard. It’s all too familiar.
Hi Doc, many of these folks are children of alcoholics. That's what happened to me. (Perfusionist here.) If I didn't care for my little brother, he didn't get care. If I didn't care for my mother as she aged, it would not get done. And on it went.
Louise is like me 😅 I’m currently reading a book called “boundaries” and I feel like I’ve been getting better 😊
Being a toxic people pleaser Had me wake up one day and realize I was living a life I never wanted….No more!
I agree that people pleasing is not necessarily selfless at all. It’s a selfish response. Yes I think we are good people generally at the same time we do things for others out of guilt or to make ourselves feel better
She needs to understand that being a people’s pleaser doesn’t mean you ever please these people, they’re never pleased but rather see you as a doormat. And you end up being the bad guy and they resent you when you eventually tell them NO since you won’t say yes forever; so how’re you pleasing them. It’s both sometimes it starts with being asked, once you say yes it never stops they ask over and over because they don’t care. Sometimes it starts with you just being a good person or a good child and once they realize you can do something for them they take advantage of you over and over. On your end you think you’re just being a good person and after all it comes with the advantage of being loved more. But now I know the people that love me love me I don’t have to do too anything for them and the ones that don’t, don’t. I am now a chronic NO sayer. I don’t care what you think I will tell you NO. If you don’t care about me, then I don’t care about you. If you don’t care about making me look stupid in public by pushing me around then I don’t care about making you look stupid in public as well by saying I CAN’T DO THAT. People would take from you until you feel lifeless, so put your foot down.
This is good - thank you! I needed this!
@@revitalizeddesigns You’re welcome, I’m glad it’s helpful.
I guess a big part of it is an itinerant lifestyle. I am a people a pleaser and moved a lot as a kid, I made friends easily but lost them quickly, I was very lonely and had to know how to be very nice to people in order to get connection. But then this falls flat in the longer term.
@@MrMadalien Aww❤️ there’s nothing wrong with being nice to people so that they become your friends( that’s how people become friends, you’re not supposed to be a mean person just because you don’t want to be a peoples pleaser) where it becomes a problem is if they are not accepting of you or disrespectful to you and you’re still trying to make them your friends. That niceness should be RECIPROCAL even they’re not necessarily nice, these people you’re trying to be friends with should have some sort or respect for you like you have for them. When I try to be friends with someone and I feel like they try to belittle me, sometimes throw unnecessary jabs, or in a subtle way they’re nasty towards me I just stop and have boundaries with them like we could be cordial but not friends. I want genuine friends not people that would make me feel like like they’re doing me a favor by being my friend so they can be disrespectful. Now if they want you to do stuff for them make sure they’re not just pushing you around while they just sit back and relax.
Awhile ago i watched CZcams video on the channel 'Pursuit of Wonder' called 'The problem with being nice'. It really helped me put my people pleasing tendencies into perspective and realise that it's not always helpful to others to be overly nice and put everyone elses feelings and wants before my own.
Thank you TheLadyDelirium I'm going to look for that video!! Thank you!!
Yes! I also have seen this video and enjoyed it myself.
@@JustDiane71 I hope it helps. I think many of us are people pleasers without thinking about why and how it can actually cause problems.
I once heard a talk back show person say the power of saying "no"! Is once you say it those people do not curl up and die but, they continue asking around until they get someone to say "yes", to them. That comment empowered me as I was a person pleaser raised by a mother who was a nurse. It was a learned behaviour for me.
I think this is a valid perspective. But as a people-pleaser myself, I am struggling to accept and believe it. Several people in my life claim that I am the only person they can depend on and that they have no one else in their lives who would say "yes" to them. So by saying "no" to them, I am willfully neglecting them and their needs with the knowledge that no one else is coming to save them. How is it possible to live with the shame of abandoning them?
My wife is also a doctor and also a people pleaser. Best of luck to this lady 😂.
I think it’s easier to help others then helping yourself. I believe that it a habit and she calling to get tools so she can love her self and put herself first .That takes work and courage 🤗
It's a pretty quick snowball effect once you start saying no to others firmly with grace. Saying no also means saying no to yourself when you start making other people's problems about you. It only takes a couple months. Once you feel the freedom there's no going back
I trouble with this as well and the same questions are asked ‘do you love yourself’? etc. The best way I could answer this is yes I absolutely love myself, but I fear rejection. I fear someone denying me a service I asked of them, i rather do it myself because i know what I need. Asking someone to do something for me is a HUGE ask, because they don’t have to do it, they’re not obligated to. So knowing that, I rather wait to do it myself.
No you don't love yourself because if you did you'd understand that you have inherent value and that someone saying no to you is not the end of the world. And most of the time when they do say no it's not because what you asked for was a tall ask.. It's because they might be swamped with other things.. So you need to be able to have a circle of friends that you can rotate your request through and one of them will agree... Because they are less busy that time.. So don't be hard on yourself.. No man is an island... Since you're a people pleaser that means you will reluctantly say yes to anything even if you see that the request is HUGE for you as you said.. So is it so bad to expect the same level of reciprocation from others?
Oh my the people pleaser one really hit home. I was like this so much growing up and for years. It was exhausting, draining and yet no matter what I did it was never enough.
I started saying no and was criticised for that too. It reached the point I had to be really selfish for my own self preservation and completely detach myself from certain people in my life to start to cure myself.
It still is a work in progress even now that I am a lot older I still sometimes feel I am being very selfish when I don't put others before myself but I persevere through the guilt as I know in the past when I have done this I am still not satisfied by responses. The more I put people before myself the more it was expected and that would make me feel resentful that I was taken for granted.
I know it stems from my childhood, middle in a big family, very sensitive always criticised and often bullied for the "crime" of being "too sensitive".
Yet if I wasn't I was criticised for that too.
I had to be very honest with myself and make a big change. I had to accept that not everyone will like me all of the time but that does not make me a failure. It still sometimes is hard work but I at least recognise when falling into past patterns.
People pleasers want to be liked by everyone and are unhealthily devastated when someone shows they dont like you or are disappointed in you, so they do everything to try to change their mind instead of accepting that not everything is about them. The saying one man's meat is another man's poison comes to mind.
i remember an incident years ago. A sister rang me up one evening. I had had a hard day at work and was really looking forward to a night in with a glass or two of wine and a good book.
My sister asked what I was doing and I told her and she said well come out for a night out. I said no thanks and she was surprised and said but you are not doing anything and still tried to persuade me. I in the past would have at short notice, even though I might be exhausted and it was not what I wanted, just agreed. She continued to try to persuade me (she was used to getting her way in particular with me) saying but you are doing nothing, and only stopped when my tone changed to confidence happy in my own choice. I held my ground without being negative and she finally accepted it. I remember putting the phone down sighing with relief that I did not buckle under duress and figuratively patting myself on the shoulder for being "selfish" without guilt.
It is very hard to change something about you when you developed this behaviour from a young age but it is not impossible. I just felt guilt at taking rather than giving. Now I am learning to be a little more of a taker sometimes. Some difficult times and good friends have taught me alot on this and I initially felt much guilt as it was out of character. Now it is gradually getting easier.
It is very hard work and not as fulfilling as one expects trying to keep everyone else happy before yourself. In fact apart from taking you for granted many will resent you for it.
I still have sensitive moments when I feel like that child again but now I give myself a talking to and don't hold on to it. It is their issue not mine. I am much more honest with myself now and value myself more.
It is like a drug and I have become quite successful kicking the habit but it has like all addictions not been easy. A constant work in progress but much easier as time goes on.
This was so helpful thank you. I’m also the middle of a big family and am really struggling with people pleasing including having situations like you mentioned with my sister as well. Nice to know I’m not alone
@@leilamchargue8710 I am glad it helped. You just need to learn to say no and the hard part is not feeling guilty. Be assertive, not aggressive, and you can even say no kindly but firmly. You won't lose anyone who is someone who cares about you. Anyone else doesn't matter. Yes you may get initially a negative reaction as they are not used to it but in the long run who knows you may actually gain respect from them. However the important thing is your own self respect will grow stronger. It won't happen over night but the more you respect yourself the easier it will get.
Assertiveness is empowering❤
I am also a people pleaser. I now choose to avoid family and have no friends. I now have Starlink running into my cave while I hide under a huge rock.
Cocoon phase. You are healing. Takes being in solitude
I'm in a remote hut in the jungle. Same. At peace. Mostly happy.
It is a taught safety response.
You’re an Empath. We are created through child trauma and abandonment. We learned to watch people’s emotions and act accordingly. The trick is we have to stop basing our reactions and decisions off other people’s feelings. Before you make a decision start asking yourself what do you want. Don’t focus on their feelings of disappointment if u say no. Focus on your feelings. And do not forget, no is a response. You do not need to state any reasons… yeah so hard I know.
It also makes you feel so weak when you think how can people have so much confidence to treat you bad and not care how you may see them due to their actions while I can’t help but always tone myself down and put other people’s feelings over my own just to avoid any sort of conflict. Due to years of being bullied constantly ever since I have memory. I can’t help but automatically be always scared of people because I wonder how they can be so comfortable in themselves
there are books on people pleaser and setting boundaries.
Message reinforced, you come last because they are more important than you. Yeah so a healthy dose of self love believing you are of equal value as everyone else.
People-pleasing is a BIG sign and pattern of CODEPENDENTS. I attend a weekly CODA (codependents in recovery) meeting and it’s absolutely transformed my life. How I rewire my brain and what I tell myself daily, “not everyone needs to like me.”
A remedy to this is all about boundaries and following through on them
✨ wake up babe a new dr. john delony video dropped ✨
Copied and pasted style comment. How original
@@SmallAndSoftthats like saying “good morning” is a copy and paste chill
@@SmallAndSoft thank you. 😊 be kind to someone today!
@@tcggggg never understand why people get so butthurt over comments. 🤷🏻♀️ it’s easier to just be nice to someone.
This conversation really hit home for me as I can relate to Louise in some really rough experiences I’m going through in my life right now.
Thank you for shedding light in the way that you do Dr. Delony.
I didn’t see my behaviors as being connected to self-worth and control before, but hearing that today, it makes perfect sense as those are things that have also been constantly coming up as I am working through the steps in my alcohol recovery.
OMG thank you for this, bro. 🙌🏻
Oh sweet Jesus, this is me right now! 😮
My mom is a people pleaser and it absolutely disgusts me. I know when she's doing it to me and I hate that just as much
Amazing. Thank you. I could answer some of these questions to myself. I did cry. And I do remember exactly when I decided to put someone before myself and my own feelings.
Thank you! I needed to hear this
Oh. Sounds like me 🙄
Man, this all resonated. Thank you.
34 seconds ago i have a problem
😂 me too
Wow. I wish this video was available back then in time. Even though I don't relate to this anymore, it still gets to me. I used to be the shy girl who tried so hard to be friends with everyone, even bringing jokes or snacks to lunch to make them like me. My worst years were from 3rd to 6th grade. Thankfully, I found a great group of friends at the start of 7th grade and we're still close in college. I've met even more people since then. But this experience made it hard for me to trust others. Sometimes I'm scared to start conversations. My social skills have improved though, and I'm happy about that.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. People-pleasing can sometimes be a slippery slope. Sometimes it can look like virtue signaling because the person is getting validation from being the pleaser and the fixer. As women, we are often socialized to be helpful and good, and are then rewarded for being self-sacrificing. Identity can get tangled up in that. Of course it’s wonderful to be helpful and kind, but sometimes people-pleasing is an unconscious way to get needs met that is disguised as putting others first. Help others solely for the joy of doing it, and not because it’s serving something within the pleaser’s sense of self. To me, empathy and people-pleasing aren’t the same thing.
The hardest part of getting out of this for me is knowing when I'm people pleasing and/or when I should be a people pleaser.
I get tired of helping people several times a year because I'm knowledgeable in construction and like to help people but when has anyone helped me
Wow I could be Louise except I am not a doctor. So much good info
Who is the pro-athlete trashing Dr. John??
I am much the same and learned a lot from this. Tyvm
I’m a people pleaser. Not because I care about the person I’m behaving like this towards, it’s not sincere, it’s just a way to protect myself from having someone be upset with me or think negatively. People plassers are usually not kind to you, they are protective themselves. Very toxic, selfish, and most people dont’t like people pleasers, it actually usually work AGAINST what you are hoping for. I cant stand other people pleasers, they annoy The hell out of me. Work on direct communication, being respectful to both myself and others.
2:54 hearing DrJ say that using empathy as a syringe for the drug being people’s approval makes so much sense and as she continues to explain that when she doesn’t get her drug she feels like she did something wrong..I wanted to note that in one of the neuroscience class I took in undergrad my professor mentioned that when the brain /body develops an addiction the body will start to portray signs and symptoms that are of opposite nature to what the substance provides and that’s to turn up the intake or consumption of said drug. Idk if that makes sense but it’s if you’re addicted to coffee in the morning ..if you don’t get your cup of coffee the brain will get major headaches moody, irritability to encourage the need and intake for coffee. The coffee give energy clarity, ability to function…bc the same brain caused a groggy, irritable state of being in the first place so if empathy and compassion don’t work to get approval or validation it’s like her body kicks her into a deeper shameful state so that she can continue and ramp up the efforts to get the drug of approval.
Seeing it conceptualized in that way really helps me understand my behavior I’m through a different perspective
How to stop when is about family, siblings always asking for favors, not respecting boundaries, privacy or my new partner
One I realised that my people pleasing is NOT because I’m “empathetic” but because I believe that I’m incapable of enduring the discomfort as a result of disappointing someone, it changed my life. I people please so I don’t have to experience the uncomfortable emotions from enforcing a boundary or saying no. So it’s oddly selfish, not empathetic… I DO care a lot about people, I’m quite compassionate I believe, but when I exert more energy than I’m comfortable with giving to please others, it’s because I’m avoiding something that feels painful to me. It’s selfish.
Amazing..I needed to hear this!!!
So good… I needed this video today!
I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life and now at 45 I feel like I don’t know who I am.
I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, but since childhood I found myself insulted and shunned for no reason, except I was quiet, shy and chubby. I'm not a nice person, but non-confrontational and in my effort to stand up for myself when attacked, I come across as unfriendly and bitchy, that's also what a lot of women fear. I've already been called that straight to my face by family that are supposed to care for me, family I cared for that just turned around and bit my hand, so now I don't even care at this point what strangers think of me.
He started out easy on this one ...but I gaurantee you this is gonna be brutal
AH this made me cry !!!!!
This is great stuff 🤗
Beetlejuice says im worth it 🎉
This is the one clip i need
There is no one good, but God.
...except people exist and there are absolutely plenty of good ones...
...we tolerate you superstitious maniacs don't we...?...
Looks like you’re an empath. That is why it’s “difficult” for you to say “no” and set boundaries.
Louise, please learn to value yourself.
Can i call in even from Portugal? Through Skype??
😂😂 until you eventually say No and they resent you for it. If I have to buy your love then I can’t keep buying it. I have other things to do.
Yep this is me and my family 😮💨
I'm curious about when we can empower kids to have this mindset. 18?
I wouldn't tell this to a child, but there has to be a gradual progression into this, right?
With people pleasers and this woman too, you can hear the behaviours and thought processes started when they were kids.
You start when they are kids. often it's kids that felt responsible to keep parents in a good mood, or felt unsafe or invalidated. I'd guess you generally don't want kids to do what you want them to out of fear or because they feel responsible for parents mood and behaviour.
Wow. 💞
People, CAUSE their Own PROBLEMS, I'm sick and tired of people causing their own problems and putting themselves in their own box! We have the Ability to find away OUT, if you WANT it ❗🤔🚫🚫🚫🚫STOP IT,and move forward and in life and fix your issues and ask God for HELP, because he will help you!
Good grief ...Lady limit what you take on ....NOW. Had an old age complex near by ... I started by clearing snow ...ended up shopping for most who had family ....on a daily basis . Then one lady said 'can you do me a favour' ..I said yes if I can . Will you emulsion my lounge next week whilst I am on holiday ! ENOUGH for me .... I did things for them ..NOT for money ! Caring for those around with 2 school kids ... I was neglecting them ! SHAME on me . Daft thing ...majority of these dear folk had children living a few miles away who didn't visit let alone care ! What a **** world we live in when kids can't check on elderly parents !
I mean, how can you not? 😂😂
Very helpful, but I feel that it was very off putting that he asked her about being sexy.
Classic leadership in medicine paradox. Good doctors cannot reconcile the moral injury and lead.
Louise 👯♀️ 👋 Hello Twin PDX 🗺️ Chic! Let’s be phone ☎️ support or 🖊️ pal!
Why is it always women who are people pleasers
You never see men who try and people please
I hear what you're saying, but not always true cause I've been a people-pleaser most of my life, and it sucked.
I've put a lot of effort into growing beyond it though. Getting to my own balance instead of being too timid or too arrogant-- just confident, and still respectful
Thats NOT true about Physicians.....you DONT have to have an Ego....I know....there are Physicians out there that are willing to give their lives to make sure your ok
It’s always the white guy 😂 sometimes his name is Kyle.
“Im sorry you had to perform your way to relationship for so long, that’s exhausting” I felt that so hard ❤️🩹