Restoring the capacity for flow states after narcissistic abuse
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- čas přidán 26. 06. 2024
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Restoring the capacity for flow states after narcissistic abuse
Today I want to discuss restoring one’s capacity for Flow states after narcissistic abuse.
In the 1990’s a sociologist from the University of Chicago posed the question of what led to people’s happiness. He determined that the best quality of experience is one in which we are focused and in pursuit of a goal that is slightly above our current skill level and in which there is immediate feedback as to the progress towards that goal. He called this kind of experience ‘Flow’ and emphasized how it affords a very orderly state of one’s consciousness. The important component to finding flow is that one take on a challenge that feels like it’s at the outer edge of one’s perceived skillset.
I want to bring up Flow today b/c I have paid a good deal of attention to the types of traumas experienced in narcissistic abuse and strategies for coping with some of the resulting states. At the same time, there remains the question of how to live one’s life, structure one’s experience in the day-to-day moments one has. After surviving narcissistic abuse, I believe that one can be saddled with this question of how to make meaning from one’s life AND how to empathically respond to the vestiges of the treatment that was survived. In today’s video I’d like to discuss some ways that both aims can be respected and even complement one another.
Flow involves setting a goal, forming an intention and summoning motivation to follow through on that intention. Now, I think it can be easy to see how the adaptations often necessary to survive narcissistic abuse can thwart the process of establishing a state of flow for oneself. Having to believe that one is defective, physically disgusting, one mistake away from complete ruin can all make these steps extremely fraught - even retraumatizing to a degree.
So, today’s video is two-pronged: 1) to emphasize what sort of ordered and goal-directed state of consciousness may be gently worked towards in the process of recovery from narcissistic abuse, and 2) to take seriously and respectfully the ways surviving narcissistic abuse may interfere with finding flow
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I've never heard this discussed before. . My narcissistic parents delighted in interrupting anything I was doing when I was a kid to demand I do something for or pay attention to them - I was even threatened to have my scrap book burned when I was 9 yrs old because it took up too much of my interest and time . I ended up burning it myself so they couldn't hold this threat over me . This probably put the the seal on my lack of attachment and lack of drive for all my life and I hadn't even experienced the worst of the verbal and physical abuse that was to come . Like most here , finishing tasks has been a lifelong struggle . I tend not to start anything any more . So much time wasted in my nondescript life .
I felt every word of this... how traumatic and painful. I hope you find the healing and love you so deserve. I hope you make gigantic mural sized collage scrapbooks of your beautiful soul, and never feel the need to burn them again.
Nondescript I understand though now, if I can muster myself up and try to stay on task of anything, I imagine any niceties shown to others might have at least kept something for myself to use on others more deserving of help of needed. As of now I'm 61 and don't finish anything that goes onto something else, I consider myself non academic as really I am not and have accepted. My organisation skills are terrible, I tire easily, get cranky, wonder how some have got there house, yard and car clean at the same time etc etc! I do have empathy but I try not to make eye contact ( unless it's a dog) as some s**t follows. Don't despair if you can at non descript, I owe noone anything, do good where I can, stay home regularly, friends are appointments and I need not explain to anyone.
"My narcissistic parents delighted in interrupting anything I was doing when I was a kid to demand I do something for or pay attention to them" This is absolutely crazy. I experienced the same.
I wish I could give your 9 yr old self a hug . Wtf was wrong with scrapbooking ???? ! It’s not like you were even playing video games or watching tv for hours on end… shame on them for being so horrible to a child creating art and having fun
Omg part of why I cut mine off. Way too many years of everything being ripped out from under me before getting a chance to achieve or get a flow or focus or progress with anything. I’m so so thankful that I can now do things I never could quite ever do before 🩷
Yes, I was brainwashed into thinking about the narcissist and his whole family rather than myself. What a sick system. Then when my flow got interrupted, interrupted, sabotaged, they all pointed to my failure as proof that I was the inadequate one.
Fantastic message Jay! I've a story that may relate. After going No Contact with my family, my only child started college, and I was totally alone, empty nest on top of all that comes with NC, it was very hard. I like to fish. For years I had carried a cheap fly rod around in the back of an old car. I'd never had the courage to try it out, and usually fished with a girlfriend there with a promise of fresh rainbow trout cooked for her for dinner. The fly rod was beyond trying because of possible embarrassment. So suddenly I found myself single, alone, and struggling. One day I forced myself to go to the river. I stopped and bought 2 cheap flies for the rod never used. Figured I could now try it, nobody around. Had no idea what I was doing. After screwing around for a while, I finally tried to cast a fly. It landed 1ft away from the rock I was standing on. I stared down at the fly, utter shame washed over me, I'm a complete failure I thought. Suddenly, a trout came out of nowhere and snatched up the fly. Took me a second to believe it, then I pulled in the fish and put it on a stringer, and only needed one more for my lonely dinner later. Tried all day long, and I was a total failure, couldn't do it. As it was getting dark, another fisherman came out to my rock and asked what the hell I was doing! I said fly fishing. He said no, you're not. I showed him my one fish. He laughed at me. Then he bashed my cheap ridiculous set up. The shame was deep. But then he gave me some tips, and even a couple of his own hand tied flies, and left. With a renewed determination, I took his advice, and the next weekend I went out to try again, but with no success. Again, at the end of the day, another fisherman came out and talked with me, and offered tips and a few flies as well. This process went on for 3 months of summer. At the end, I had become very good at it, was tying my own flies, and actually teaching other folks how to do it as well. My son came home for a break and I took him to the river, showed off my new skills, had our dinner on a stringer instantly, he was blown away. I eventually taught him as well a few years later. All of this took my mind off the bad stuff, and I learned new skills which I practice to this day. I had gotten into that flow state that summer, and it helped me through a dark period. Hope this helps anyone reading. Stay strong folks!
@Millicient Aspinet Thank you for your positive words friend. If you go and watch my 1st video here at my channel, Pt. 1 and 2, or visit the website linked in all videos, you will see very clearly that I am the black sheep if ever there was one, have been my whole life. I don't like it one bit, just as I didn't like being forced to go No Contact with my entire family, but it's what happened to me. I am here only as Dr. Jay is, to offer help to others in this situation, but I'm not a Dr. I hope you will visit me soon, but I am not here to pull people to my channel. Dr. Jay here is a true professional in these matters. Thanks again for your kind words!
@@gowiththeflow3791 Thank you very much my friend and I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I love your handle too! Dare to dream. Stay strong!
Well I see that for you to have someone who willingly offered you advice has helped you to restore some confidence in another human being.
@@janettemartin4604 Oh yes my friend, so true. That experience and the interactions many times over the years with others now has made me understand that we all can make a difference and be of help to others on any given day if we have our hearts in the right place.
Love this inspirational story of perseverance! Thank you for sharing it ❤
I just can hardly believe you know these things. This is exactly what’s going on with me. I had severe ATTENTION DEFICIT SYNDROME. I couldn’t finish a single task. I would start one minor task such as washing the dishes , then realize I needed to vacuum or a third or fourth or fifth task. I would stop the dishes & start the other task. The narcissist would yell at me because he noticed this. It got worse & worse until I couldn’t stop crying. I had to pack my pets up & leave town. It has been 4 years since I had to deal with that particular narcissist. I can finally concentrate sometimes to accomplish goals. When the flow of concentration works, it is hard to stop sometimes because it is so difficult to get back into concentrating again. There are so many intricacies of recovering from the abuse. The goal of rescuing horses, dogs & cats from being slaughtered & euthanized gets me to concentrate. This is how I can accomplish each small goal such as selling my house, buying property, getting a barn built, etc. I have never heard of anyone acknowledging this part of recovering. Thank you for helping us out here in the world, Jay! I can’t thank you enough.
IKR! I'm almost in tears because I never heard anyone talk about these aspects before and it has been so frustrating to me for most of my life that I need certain conditions to even begin to feel safe enough to enter a state of flow. I'm now working on a large project that has a lot of moving parts but will really enhance my life and allow me to contribute something of value to our 'tribe' and I've been really frustrated with myself for 3 months now that my pace is so slow. Finally understanding this in a new way and I feel a real freedom and excitement to continue creating now. Also getting some ideas on how to improve my environment so that it works better for me. I always get a lot of value from watching Jay's videos but this one is extra awesome!
Dear Jay, thank you so much, I am finding your videos so helpful all the way from the East Coast of Australia!
À
I love dogs more than my family now!🐳🦄🐯🐶🦊
Yes, we know this now, and modern psychiatry doesnt. Attention Deficit Disorder is trauma based, it certainly doesnt need amphetamine to help it.
The older I get the harder it is for me to get into a flow state. It’s one of the reasons I love childbirth so much, it’s almost a forced flow state. It’s very difficult for me to find myself in a flow state for several reasons:
1. Fear of lost or wasted time
2. Inability to connect to my desires or find my interests because of emotional suppression (biggest issue by far)
3. Guilt of not being productive
4. Setting goals outside my skill set, frustration at lack of skill
5. Critical inner dialogue interrupts, stalls, distracts
6. Inability to self validate without external feedback on progress
7. It creates a dissociated feeling that seems wrong (disconnection from others)
8. Fear of failure or disappointment
9. Constant shifting of goalpost
10. Desire for instant gratification
Those are just off the top of my head and are some habits that I can start to challenge. A lot is just cognitive distortion that can be recognized and adjusted. I want that flow state!
@Jen Niebla-Love
Thank you so much for sharing your list of blockages - maybe I should respond and put it down in 10 reasons how I manage to get into my own flow
Wow...this is an amazing list. I share many. Thanks for sharing.
These things should be taught in school. Thanks so much.
Well put thank you. I think a lot of brilliant people have been stunted because of narcissistic abuse. I wonder the origins of narcissism, and how generations upon generations have been affected. I know I am healing and will stop this curse in me. Thank you for your info.
Same ❤️
I've felt BLOCKED for decades. I wish I could get back to my flow. I used to produce songs, albums, music videos, movies. Now I can't seem to focus on anything for more than a couple weeks. I've been trying to finish the same book for a couple years. SO frustrating!
At the moment I can't get into listening to music or reading a book
I must admit why I'm living single, being for myself, is because I believe 💯% I can't be in a state of flow to "do my things" if someone else is around. Not talking about the necessary daily routines and stuff like that, I mean focus on my priorities that are most important to me. I've experienced that for someone else it looks like I'm "doing nothing" and I don't want to waste my precious time on explaining my flow process to anybody. At this stage of my life I'm valuing continuity most, it feels unbelievable not being interrupted
I'm with ya Fanta, others think we're weird or whatever, and we know it too. But we also know that we have important work to do on ourselves to heal. And the bottom line is this, who cares what others think ultimately, let them think whatever, comes a time you gotta look out for #1. Stay strong and hope you find the flow and keep doing you!
I find it normal for creative ppl to isolate in order to get their work done. I also find it normal for creative ppl to flow from one project to another from inspiration, that is, rotating a couple or a few projects. The universe revolves and is structured by the spiral.
@@Madkre8tor Exactly! So spot on👌I would love to feel having a close relationship, both physically and emotionally, with healthy boundaries, not being invaded, a loving relationship with the right man who see that I'm constantly in a project, always processing even if I'm laying on my back on the sofa for two weeks I'm actually a hard working woman
@@TheBlackSheepDiaries Of course it's never too late but how should our life have looked like if we new about narcissism earlier? - I'm the typical self-therapist since my childhood but of course I didn't know that back then, I've also always been a "home made" therapist for other people, naturally, which I've stopped doing because my therapist trait's origin is after all my creepy upbringing, I tried so hard to understand and analyze. Anyway, im happy I don't care what other's think about me "being weird", it can actually be a blessing as well. Being an artist also gives a lot of space outside the norms which can make other people feel more comfortable, eg one example when I was with people from high society and the upper classes for many years (for a special reason) and my presence eased the mood for some people I was told. As an artist I was 'allowed' to be a little bit 'weird' even if the importance to stick to the high society etiquette system ruled. Nowadays I'm doing me as a Top Priority 24/7, not only as a side job. Thanks Black Sheep for your input and understanding 👍 💕
@@fantasip You're quite welcome my friend! Since you're an artist, you could check out a couple of my acoustic guitar covers over here at my chan, that will give you a good laugh! Laughter, the best medicine!
wow thank you this is amazing and very relevant content.
Right up until recently I noticed I'd adopted the habit of future faking myself in regards to artistic and leisure pursuits. My inner slave driver was always cracking the whip and preventing me from focusing on anything that was recreational or self nurturing.
Periodically switching gears from hypervigilance to a relaxed state has turned my life around,
no longer chasing my own tail anymore.
I want to write a book on the trials and tribulations of generations of subhuman narcissistic parents who trauma bond their children. Your spot on about me being trained to be my subhuman father’s butler.
I find this very helpful and supportive thank you. I've always been unknowingly codependent, firstly to my dysfunctional family and then to my narcissistic abusive husband. I know a lot more about all this now and I'm recently separated, newly alone. I have days with very little or nothing happening at all. I do feel relieved yet empty. Grateful and yet lost. I'm always worried about what to do, where to go, and what's the purpose of me and my life. What to focus on? Having just myself to focus on is odd. Disconcerting. Even daunting. I like the way Jay talks about the time of rest, of peace after being on high nervous alert for years and how a time of recovery is needed. And I love the way he explains so well about why I've never had my own flow, never achieved my own sense of worth, because I've always been focused on others for survival and always been dismissed or derided. There's a lot of very positive support to absorb in this video, thank you. I feel seen, I feel heard, I feel empathised with, and I feel understood, and with his words some gentle guidelines on how to find & help myself 🙏
Wow, this makes so much sense. I had no idea about this. I live alone, happily, because I am finally able to write songs, published a book, write screenplays, etc., after doubting my talent and ability for so many years and have achieved a great sense of satisfaction.
This is exactly how it works, I never thought of this before, but it is true. Thank you! You understand what is happening inside.
This actually made me cry! I've experienced regular flow states over periods of time--say, a few weeks--and then I'd get disrupted for weeks or months, and although I've felt that healing would improve this, I've been afraid of committing myself to anything that required flow. After all, what happens when the next disruption occurs? Then I'll be up a creek without a paddle! Thanks so much for the comments and encouragement, Jay!
Stay strong Charissa, I experience the exact same feeling as you describe. One day at a time, and like Jay says here, it's OK to have these down times we take and don't try to do too much, it's just part of dealing with the crap we've been through. We always get back up eventually, and ease back into a happier place. We got this.
Truly an inspired insight. In all my many, many years of reading about the topic of abuse, I have never seen this view. It resonates completely. My life exactly.
I remember being criticized for being singly focused on one thing. But I thought to myself, you have to be engrossed in something you're learning about.
Aww Jay, you've just described something I've not had the understanding to decypher myself, thank you so much
Jay, your video directly deals with an issue I've been addressing just recently. After letting ago a lot I have been left with constructing a new life though building on an immense feeling of emptiness and continued frozenness. This helps and encourages new life to sprout up. Thank you.
Thanks for another great video Jay. You're right....it sucks to be shamed for having cptsd. Like it's some character defect or something. Ugh.
Particularly by those who inflicted it.
I remember cringing when I had to work on my science project alone. I started working on it when the subhuman walked by, and I was only nine! I asked daddy dearest, will you help me with my science project today? He looked at me with rage and said no! Fast forward nine years later, he helped my brother with his science project and of course he National Narcissistic Science Award!😂❤
Your videos explain things so clearly! Thank you! Sometimes when I am feeling low and it's the weekend, I will take on one on my home improvement tasks I tend to put off. It does make me feel better, and I imagine it is for this reason!
I’m coping with the loss of my beautiful puppy Lilly!!! I’d like to improve my life as break free from an overly enmeshed, toxic waste family!
things do naturally breakdown to their original elements and stay that way until they are utilized again as building blocks, enabling endless creativity.
Such a great video! Very important topic. It's an area that I've found so hard to figure out. So there's both general trauma from all the impacts of abuse, which can impact our ability to pursue goals and experience pleasure.. Then there's also this dynamic of antagonism and danger around being in a flow state with any activity or pleasure. This explains so much!
Thats exactly how it was, anger, impatience, interference, accusations anytime I tried to concentrate or enjoy something.
For me it has been hard to find a spot to live abuse free. Narcissism is epidemic.
Very thoughtful and insightful. And thank you for saying times of rest are needed. The introject of negativity i'm still working on riding this and finding joy and a focus on myself. I was able to use Ross Rosenbergs observe don't absorb to stop reactive abuse.
Thank you! This is a very interesting topic. I haven‘t heard anybody talk about this in the context of narcissistic abuse. Of course, state of flow is dangerous to the narcissist!
I am used to write daily journal. I am writing all the time. I carry the journal in my bag and whenever i get a new insight, I write it down. I lived some months with a narcissistic person, who could not stand that I started writing first in the morning! She said that I should write only in the evenings and hopefully I did not write anything bad about her. I felt to say: „I write nothing about you. I have more interesting subjects to ponder.“ I said nothing, though. Sometimes I can stay calm.
To my mom it was unstandable if I sat quietly and read the book. I had a flow in reading! Then she had to distract me and she created action, drama. She could not stand stillness.
If you ever write books about these topic, I will buy them. You know so well about this complex experience. Sometimes when I am just dealing with helping myself live a happier life, I thought it was just me that I can't heal as fast, and I thought these small psychological aftermaths were specific in my case, which has made me feel isolated.
Because I have done all that I could to get myself together, but these small things, like, panic attacks when I think of my dreams and goals, made a lot of plans but as though I was physically incapable of moving forward when I had to start doing them. So I just sat and a day went by like that. I feel like I am frozen whenever I try to move towards my goals. And I would go into daydreaming.
And even when I finally broke out of the frozen state and started and I felt great for an hour or two, I soon feel so exhausted and I couldn't approach those goals for another long period of time even when I knew these little dreams like drawing and creative work made me so happy, but I felt like I "should" not do them and there's something else more important somehow. But that ended up as me not doing anything due to extreme fatigue. It's like I physically can't do it.
But now I know it is not just me, maybe this is the case for the particular scapegoat.
I feel so understood in these videos. This is unlike other channels, I feel like so many channels are not specific but this channel is specific and especially for the scapegoat, not just generally a person having met a garden variety of a narco and trying to heal, but this is more focused on the experience of being a scapegoat since a child and to heal from it. Sometimes I accidentally bumped into some "survivors" of narcissistic abuse as they claimed, but they seemed to be a lot less compassionate themselves. Because I think narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone with any kind of personality and background. So those videos on educating about narcissistic abuse is not designed for scapegoats specifically. So I was forced to work my own way out of my problems and avoid unnecessary interaction with other "survivors".
This channel though, has been a huge support to me ever since I have found this. Because the information is so on point. Which is refreshing. I am more focused now, less shattered. Maybe because I am validated.
I am so thankful for these videos. Now I know that when I am trying to run for my life, it is not really that I need to, but it is the consequence and component of being a scapegoat. And so I am able to calm down and tell myself that, I don't have to live being the scapegoat running for my life anymore, I can live being a happy and healthy person pursuing my dreams. I am not unworthy even when I feel like it at times for no reason. And my goal is truly to never be fixated on being the scapegoat anymore, I need my body to understand this so I no longer panic.
Thank you for your videos -!
This is right on time as I begin a new phase of my career with new tasks - tasks that are more dear to my heart, but they come with the usual challenge that anything new does. The tasks are a stretch of my skills, but I do have the skills to accomplish them. Thanks again, Jay. You were right on time.
Good video. Sometimes the goal of recovering from cptsd and narcisistic abuse in childhood, and a full routine of self-care for ones own well being that includes support groups can be like a state of flow. It can be found in watching videos and making sense of ones experience in the past and how it is repeated in the present. going on walks and processing this. Seeing the therapist. Finding good meetings and connections that feel safe where one doesnt have to be small as Dr. Reid explained in other videos. And slowly getting back to hobbies as well. That gives me flow actually. Finding and listening to my body to see where there is beautiful flowing connection with people, or where i have to be in my old "role" is part of the work. It all actually gives me flow. And ofcourse the role of fun and play is important to destress. I've had to learn a lot about boundaries earlier in my recovery and continue to learn to set them now, in a way that reorganizes my physiology but doesnt sever relationships. The whole act of finding oneself again, who one is, probably maybe even for the first time is a project a beatiful one and it gives me flow
Wise and beautiful comment. Thank you.
This was a bit hard for me to understand, but I do know that it has long been my policy that if something didn't come easily to me I would abandon it. But I do love a challenge to a skill that I already possess. And I love learning new things. Now that I don't have negativity around me I find that I succeed more at things. I am learning Albanian, and while I may not be very good yet, nobody else I know speaks it at all.
"Failure to comply... or suffering would ensue". Truer words were never spoken!
Interestingly when I was a manager and had several people under me, I would have people do their strengths rather than try to force them to do things they weren't strong at.
Jay~
This is amazing. You do not miss a beat.
Cultivating hobbies seems helpful. The younger, the better. Routines, too. Given my own narc abuse history, i give up far too easily.
When's the Ted Talk?
He’s too good for Ted 😉
Can you make a video about financial independence after narcissistic abuse? I find it difficult to work for myself and seem to always end up in jobs where I'm being scapegoated by either narcissists or their flying monkeys.. the pressure of losing financial stability is like the rug being pulled out from under me and yet always seems to be around the corner. I would love to just flow doing what i love and make a living off of it, but catering to other people my entire life has made it impossible for me to believe. Especially when its linked to survival like.. how am I going to pay the bills this month? Thank u for ur videos!!
One day, I was sitting at home when my face froze! Now I understand why and I want revenge on the evil narcissistic subhuman!
Thank you Jay every minute of this video is so enlightening
Thank you for your channel!!! I don't have a lot of time for therapy and these videos are my therapy after enduring years as the scapegoat by an NPD mom and being the golden child of my narcissistic father.
I've listened to this video many times. So helpful, thank you!!
Oh wow. So this would explain her lack of interest, and even further distancing from me, when I was entering an enlightenment phase. And the subsequent decline from me, in the activities and hobbies I had pursued during the enlightening process.
@Millicient Aspinet Absolutely. This has been a wild few weeks haha.
When I separated from my covert narcissist husband who always succeeded to outmanoeuvre me I thought - 2 can play at hardball! I joined a tennis club and learnt how to play, something I always thought I was bad at! (As a child very addh due to distressing childhood) 3 years later I marvel how, when I switch my brain off and allow my body just to move in the moment I play amazingly. It’s pure allowance that you can grant to yourself!
I'm 40 yrs just now trying to find my flow state. My caregivers always interrupted my flow. Then that translated in all areas of my life. Then they say idk why you can't do what's best for yourself. I stepped out of the triangle 100% in 2023. Thanks again
Wow this is great to hear it explained so clearly it makes sense.
Thanks again, Jay, I see so much of my personal navigation style explained by this - as always, when I listen to your posts I need a few days to unpack how they apply to me. I feel hopeful that this insight will help me re-engage after setbacks that tend to shut me down.
Thank you so much for tackling this subject! This issue of the flow/chaos dichotomy is a big one for me.
The way you explain things makes it so much easier to understand, thank you
Thank you for sharing your invaluable analysis with us again as usual it lines up with records & empirical facts, thank you for your social service & your untiring & healing of victims & targets of NPD abuse. Hopefully soon we will get on top of a cure & help these individuals & show them their behavior IRT & the costly recorded effects.
I have been binge-watching your marvelous videos because they so directly speak about my situation and my current issues, all having roots in my childhood. Watching them is like drinking from a clear mountain stream. I've had years of therapy and all my life I knew something was wrong, but therapists and my own reading couldn't tell me what the problem was. But I'm 82 and only now have come upon your videos that speak in detail about the lasting effects of narcissistic abuse. From the age of 3 or 4 I knew something was wrong with my mother. Narcissism, allowed to run rampant by the rest of the family. When I was a teenager she started unsuccessful court cases to have several family members declared insane. Then, when I was in my mid-20s she brought an unsuccessful case to have me declared murderously insane, without any evidence. The case was dismissed with prejudice, of course, and I broke all contact with my family. Since then my life has improved. But all my life I have had problems caused by my inability to relate to others, in all the ways that Jay describes. Fortunately, he provides directions on how to heal, and for that I am eternally grateful. Finally, there is an exit.
I have been learning about this subject specifically for about 4 years and am just beginning to let myself flow through the strongholds that were programmed in me. Many of them are religious in nature and have to do with things I was taught that were things my parents forced me to think that they used the added weight of making me think God feels the same way they do, and/or any resistance I had to my parents would be taken as resistance of God by him.
Thank you for explaining this valuable lesson to successfully heal.
This is absolutely true. For years I did not understand why I'm financially struggling. I was always doing my work FOR my clients, because my flow state was compromised in my childhood. I started handball, started football, started coding, started music, etc.. and my NPD father was trying to own all of them. And I lost motivation. Not love for these things, but that feeling.
I’m a fine artist and have experienced the flow state but, growing up, I felt like I had to drop what I was doing to pay attention to my mother. I actually felt guilty about giving my attention to anything that didn’t involve her. She’s been gone for 12 yrs but I still feel guilty about focusing on my own needs.
As a survivor of this type of abuse, I turned out to be an underachiever, and even the word “goal” stresses me out.
But if I rewatch this one, I may find it helpful.
I could see the pain in my subhuman father’s eyes! I bet that my grandfather made him feel invisible growing up!
I have been so looking forward to catching up watching the most recent video on here and this is something I noticed experiencing!!!! But I learned so much about it through this video. It is so very noticeable as I learn to go after goals now that I have always had an underlying desire to achieve and haven't yet, but will now. I recently experienced being completely immersed in my daily life while noticing attempts of distraction but I was able to set a boundary and continue. You talk about so many things that no one else is talking about. A lot of things were things I vaguely was aware of but it is so good for reprogramming and healing to learn all about it. I really value your channel. Thank you once again, looking forward to next week.
Thanks Jay. This is really helping me get to the bottom of my understanding of my self sabotaging. I could never understand exactly why I was doing it and also the link to my scattered mind and seeming inability to stay with any task without mustering up all my will and/or my harshest inner critic. As a child and young adult I was constantly on edge in case either parent was looking for me, and I also wouldn’t dare to outshine either parent in performance. All this has led to avoiding flow at all cost. Just seeing this brings some hope.
It’s as though Jay has gone through my every symptom of brokenness that I have identified with, and long believed it was my own weakness or flaws that caused this symptom, and he has done a video on each one. I’m almost beginning to feel like my life makes sense. 🙏🏻
So true this one. My energy level is chronical broke since all the mindf*cks
May the Flow be with you, brother! 🌊
Life altering information 💗 these things go up to the cultural level too… who we’re taught to worship and the focus we are directed to !
This is So very clarifying and useful information 🙏 thanks again ✌️❣️ (What a Great descriptive of the internal mechanics of this type of anxiety!;)
I wish that I knew you 50 years ago when I was being badly abused and disregarded by the subhuman father.
Interestingly, I have always been able to engage in flow..for as long as I can remember until one day when a series of losses occurred. I became vulnerable- a target for criticisms, a scapegoat to siblings, my mother passed away. The recovery, healing process after several years is slow. But, I recently was packing up a hand-knit sweater i made for a friend. I felt free, like a bubble of joy floating, "the whistle as you work" feeling. My spirit came alive. It's a feeling is attribute to by best relaxed, confident self. It is slowly returning as I practice self-love. It used to be automatic.
I still believe that I’m an educated, entrepreneur/writer with talent. I have the ability to make my mark in the world! My narcissistic father’s psychological laziness has rubbed off on me, and I have serious problems organizing my day. Time management has always been an obstacle for me. How do poor communication skills apply to the Malignant Narcissistic Subhuman?
This is really interesting. I have gone for the grade above me (at work) a few times and I've been proud of myself for not feeling too knocked back when I didn't make it but when I asked for feedback and was told it wasn't available, that upset me more than the failure.
Thank you for explaining that so clearly. I feel that a lot and try to fight it. Understanding what it is helps to unravel the knots. I think it will help me to validate myself more and continue in moments of peace without feeling like I should be stressed out or guilty for not doing something else. I think it will help me to create and sustain more peace and less irritation and stress when there is no valid reason for it.
Here in Australia we call it 'the zone'.
Superb explanation tied to real life experiences. Thank you very much for your work helping us grow and heal.
Thank you for putting this nebulous concept into words. I've grappled with this feeling and describing it for so many years. I did a lot but always IN SPITE of the feeling I could be interrupted at any moment to do something more "important" to someone else..that being my mother originally. It was a constant feeling growing up..and it has persisted, unless I was doing something for someone else! Never heard anyone talk about this. Thank you. Perfect!
Outstanding! Just amazed at how this was all explained in a video ... what was experienced that was challenging to put words to. Wow!
I appreciate that
Thank you for preparing this; a process I have been experiencing since my authentic self becomes more, and more present. ❤❤
I binge watch this chanell, eveything is so on point! At the same time, it is hard to digest. Everything that Jay says resonates and constructed as a "practical knowledge". I am so happI found this channel!
You a re amazing! I love how you've pieced all this together with flow!
So true. I'm speechless by the accuracy
Huge help, probably more so than any other video.. Thank you Jay!
So much makes sense to me now...
Thank you, Jay.
I am tired.
lisa
our professor gave us this mnemonic for the author of "Flow" until we memorized the proper name/spelling: Chick-Sent-Me-High.
Man...please write a book
This is great information Jay. I know the flow state well but have been wondering why I can't always find it, sometimes for months at a time. Now I know! Thank you 🙏
My dad used to stand next to me like a tyrant, to make sure that I washed 5,000 dishes! This subhuman father has made me his personal servant for the last time!
I really enjoyed this one! As an artist and word-nerd the references were engaging and the whole thing actually helped me move forward on a painting I've been stuck on. Thanks!❤
Amazing yes, Great topic!!
Thank you, doctor 🙏🤗
This video spoke to me so deeply. Thank you so so much for all the valuable understanding and education and validation you provide for us 🙏
The subhuman father doesn’t want me to have a loving relationship or be happy with my puppy! He told me to get rid of her! During that conversation I should have told him, that I’m not afraid of him anymore and God doesn’t love him.
Awesome
Thank you for all your videos...they are life changing
This is amazing.
Your words are saving my life! This message gives me hope and direction. THANK YOU!❤️
that's really high quality content, thank you!!!..
This video is very helpful. Thank you.
Thanks. Extremely helpful ♥️🌛
thank you, this is very helpful
It’s play
Thanks. I've gone no contact for over a month now. I'm trying to figure out is moving on, how to be functional? if you know what i mean
Hi, I did not find the name of that author in the description, did I overlook it? Does anyone on here have that ? or if the channel could provide.
Flow by Dr Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Jay you are such a hottie and you are helping me so much, thank you! :)
I asked myself, who’s the taker in my family or subhuman father?
☘️❤️☘️❤️☘️❤️☘️❤️☘️
I was wondering if you could make a video about the cult angle. Is this off any value in recovery? I see some people treating the problem off narcissistic abuse from the perspective off undue influence and they treat people by trying to deprogramme them from the cult or in some cases the family cult, as they call it. And it makes some sense to me but I feel like sometimes its a little to simplistic.