Three Powerful Questions to Ask When Someone with ADHD is Struggling
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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When we’re struggling, it can be easy to judge ourselves or each other. But if we invite curiosity, we can help ourselves or someone else by asking powerful questions. Jessica shares what questions to ask not just ourselves but anyone else struggling, be they a friend, a family member, or an employee… whether they have ADHD… or not!
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Jessica McCabe is not a licensed mental health provider, but information presented on How to ADHD is reviewed by researchers and approved by licensed clinical psychologist Patrick LaCount, PhD (practicalpsychservices.com). While information presented on How to ADHD has historically been built in consultation with researchers and licensed providers, videos posted prior to April 2023 were not subjected to the same formal approval process required by the CZcams Health program.
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Thanks to trainwell (formerly CoPilot) for sponsoring this video. Click my trainwell link go.trainwell.net/HowtoADHD to get 14 days FREE with your own personal trainer!
I appreciate the few times you mentioned that they changed their name and what their previous name was, as well as their previous sponsorship on this channel! That would have been easy to cut and leaving it out would have confused and bugged me. And many others in your audience, I imagine!
strength training while wearing the baby -- motherhood level up! 🙌 woohoo! well done! 💪💪
I think another reason they changed their name is so it wouldn't be confused with Microsoft Copilot AI.
@@mrandisg That or the Github Copilot AI
@@mrandisg I was wondering about that. We talked about this in a disability group at my work yesterday and it sounds like it might be a good tool for neurodivergent folks at work.
I've had only one manager like this. She fought tooth and nail for making sure that her employees could do their jobs effectively, and if they couldn't, she'd sit with them and work WITH them on finding what they could do to help. Mother Mary, as we called her, fit her given name.
Same, and it gave me the drive to become a manager to be able to do this myself.
That's so sad and frustrating. As really that kind of behavior is just basic to what good, competent management is. It's so weird how rare it is. Nonsensical, really. But sadly very true.
I’ve literally only had two people do that for me in my work environment. One of them was not even my boss.
Not knowing what will make things better is so mentally deflating.
YES!!
💯
That askjan site she mentioned is great... Even if nothing on the list works, it can still be a launching point for asking ourselves why, which can lead to other solutions.
If you're at that point, it's time to experiment. Search for people with similar problems and try out their solutions, or try to change things up yourself, and pay close attention to what works and what doesn't. Often, there's not just one solution, but many small steps that help improve things. Sometimes it's asking others for help. And sometimes, it's accepting that there may need to be different solutions and tools from one day to the next.
The ADHD subreddits have helped me a lot. Mostly I just lurk and rarely even ask "is this normal" because so many other folks ask the same questions I already had
Problem solving rather than criticism. Huzzah!
YESSSSSSSSSS. Precisely!
Now, if you can just get employers to understand!
I asked my boss to stop calling things non-urgent as that means do them never to my brain
Relatable!
We call them Friday jobs now because I structure my week to have Friday's be my catch all day
@@madalynnr9940 That's a great idea! I'm going to implement this
Lol I actually had to ask my boss to stop doing the opposite thing-- referring to everything as highest priority. It just made me not know what was actually THE highest priority, and freeze up and not know what to try to focus on because of that
@@SoLongSpaceCat Honestly, that is just bad management. Not a You problem!
Employees needing accommodations are often the best employees when their accommodations are met, and they are not made to feel like an ass for asking or a liability for needing accommodation.
Say it louder for the people in the back.
Yes!! Since unmasking and asking for accommodations, my performance at work has gone up and up, and lots of people are noticing. It's so validating 😊
I will work hard for the people who I’m loyal to and respect. If you care then I care
Would love to hear some of the accommodations people have requested? I’m struggling at work with an unsupportive manager.
@chelle_rose In my previous position, I was accommodated to have a desk area with a little more space to fit my wheelchair, and then I was accommodated to be closer to a handicapped bathroom. Eventually, I was accommodated to work completely from home. That company used working remotely as a privilege, and if specific goals, numbers, or production rates weren't met, the 1st punitive action was to require coming back into the office (including during the pandemic), but I had to take 3 vacation days until I could get them to agree they were violating my ADA accommodation. There was a lot of pressure and stress. I left that company after over 25 years (the last 5 with accommodations) for another company working remotely. During interviewing, I made sure to tell them other than the initial drug screen, and I would not be able to come anywhere from home. When I did go for the drug screen, they had two people there in case I needed assistance. I now make more money, am much better treated and respected, and at my current job, I don't actually need any accommodations. Both companies are healthcare organizations.
One of the most powerful things a boss ever said to me when I was struggling was "I believe you." Just knowing that she believed that my challenges were real meant that I felt able to ask for what I needed without fear of judgement. An accommodation that helped me a lot was having a clock or timer visible while I was working so I could easily keep track of time. My job was to run classes that were 30 minutes and ran back to back, so having a clock visible made it so I didn't run over time. I even had a few minutes to take care of myself so that I wasn't exhausted and behind schedule within the first 2 hours.
Love the fact you had a boss like that.
I love this story so much. As a an educator, discussing supporting students with additional needs often leads to realising "wait, this would benefit all of my students". It can be so hard to speak up when no one else seems to be struggling but better systems benefit everyone.
Remember the old "Suggestion Box"? You never see those anymore. Maybe the anonymity of one of those would work in your situation?
My "stapler" will sound strange ... I tend to forget things in public transportation whenever I travel, especially if it is something like a suitcase that I don't carry around every day. So I ordered the longest, brightest shoelaces I could find on Amazon and put them on every suitcase, backpack, etc I have and don't carry around on an every day basis. I also always have some spare ones in my bag that I carry around every day. So now when I enter a bus, train, whatever, I put the shoelace into my hand or on my arm so I won't forget my stuff when it is out of sight. If I put the suitcase, backpack, ... up in the head compartment for example in a train, I make sure that the bright and colourful shoelace dangles down in my hight of sight, so I will see it when I am about to leave the train. Hope that helps! ☺️
Awesome solution! I usually set up a reminder on my phone with a list of baggage items set to go off 15 minutes before scheduled arrival, but your solution seems more robust.
@@fipachu I like your solution with a reminder that includes a list of things too ☺️ I think that is very practical if you go somewhere by train overnight (for example Vienna to Paris), as I like to do if I go on holiday. There you have to store your bags under the seats and while sleeping the shoelaces aren't practical. Thanks, now I can cover that bit too ☺️
clever
One "stapler" we use a lot at my job is "please email me so I don't forget". I'm super thankful to work in a place with so many openly ADHD coworkers ❤
This would help me so much as well. I'm not yet in the working force, but I should keep that in mind. Some people just don't want to get out of their way and send an extra email tho...
@@thea6118 If someone doesn't want to accommodate you, that's when you take out your phone and set a reminder for yourself right then and there
@@dolphin64575 I always write reminders in my phones calendar so they'll pop up in the banner.
It's more like I'd love a written version of a request, just to make sure I heard it right!
@@dolphin64575 I end up having to do that too! Or send the email or text to the person making the request saying 'this is me emailing you that I'm doing XYZ so I don't forget' while CCing myself 😂
Oh, when people list things for you to remember and you just have to wink and smile, panicking inside because that is just five times the information you can actually keep in your head. And being in a new job and trying to appear normal.
I have just dreamed of having little tutoring books everywhere - in the copy room, for example ... and a map over the building ... [wistful dream cloud above my head with accomodating features]
The amount of frustration I experience at work related to my ADHD is madness. I wish managers would just pull me aside when they see this and try to understand better :/
Agreed, 1000%!
For me the most important part of the story was saying no, that wouldn't help.
At first, I thought, Of course it would. (For most/ neurotypical people...)
Then she actually thought it through! And had the true answer.
What a pivot point!
I'm gonna be blunt. I wish people would check in on me more often. Even if I can't answer immediately because I work from home. I spend too much time alone with my thoughts, and my brain is my worst enemy most of the time.
That’s a big one, especially when you get so stuck in your own thoughts that you can’t reach out yourself.
So how are you going?
I'm an artist and often work at home. I feel the same. I've started scheduling "chore chats". Put on my headset, & we talk while doing things. Like a body double on the phone.
Usually, lunch or break time. (With timer)
Like doing the dishes. Simple stuff.
It's no surprise that the friends most likely to try this are also neurodivergent.
I also set alarms on my phone every 2 hours. With titles like
2:00 already! How's it going?
Or 4pm ‐ "find good vibes"
I guess you could say it's like me checking it on myself.
Either I'm happy with my progress or realize I better focus.
It's not easy getting someone to check on us, and it IS doable! We have to ask & help create the plan.
Would a pet help?
My "stapler" is scissors. Everywhere. Kitchen, laundry room, my closet, bedside table, living room. I have so many scissors. I absolutely loathe being in the middle of something, needing to cut off a thread, tag, open a box, what-have-you, and not having a close at hand pair of scissors. And if I have to go looking.... well, there are so many squirrels along the way.
I like to say I have a pair within arms reach of every place I sit and 3 kinds in the kitchen. (They make magnetic holsters for the fridge)
I had the same issue with 'milking the clock' I eventually got mad with the accusations and shouted at my supervisor,
"YOU CAN HAVE THIS DONE QUICK OR PROPERLY! F***ING CHOOSE!" (these were bar closes)
Fortunately, I was friendly with this supervisor and while it took him aback (I'm a very tall and 'big' fella 6'7" and about 290lbs. Quite intimidating, unless you know me) he told me to just do it 'good enough' Doesn't have to be perfect.
It's all I needed.
It’s so hard not to be a perfectionist, isn’t it? Trying to get that out of my brain and know when something is “good enough”.
I've been told that from management and it does the opposite. Because I don't know what their level of "good enough" is, so my brain won't let me produce indeterminately sub-par work when it's already screaming at me that my work product HAS to be perfect. And that adds yet another layer of stress and pressure to my already overwhelmed brain.
Maybe my stapler is being told (and shown) that my "good enough" is their "perfect"...? Damn. 🤯
@@fresh_outta_fux 'Properly' (perfect) is my default too. Which is why my closes used to take longer than most.
With the benefit of hindsight, I must've been doing good work because I never got any complaints about the work I did. Only the time it took. It turns out the thing that I could skip was the bottling up the fridges. It was the job that could take the longest. My supervisor said the cleaning was the most important job. Tidying and bottling could be done by the day shift because they're much quieter. So it seems my idea of 'properly' meant I was putting too much on myself. The solution? Communication....although I don't advocate shouting at a superior!
Your manager at that restaurant was a hero. I hope she has gone on to great success and happiness. Can we clone her? To few people really ask with genuine interest and then listen and THEN absorb and act on what they hear.
And you and Baby Brain seem healthy and happy. 🥳🥰
Thank you so much! I was just discussing this with my Granny actually. We were talking about why I can get tthings done at her house but not get those same things done at my parents' and some I can do at my own place. At Granny's everything is at the point of performance as is convenient but at my parents' place if I for example want to file some paperwork I have to go upstairs to grab a stabler from one end of the house and a hole puncher from the other end. Then I need to go grab the filing folders from the office, a pen from the kitchen and go to the living room where the family computer is to do the paperwork. I get distracted very easily and can also forget why I went somewhere so then I have to back track. Now Granny is visiting my parents and reorganizing all their stuff with them so everything is not at that level of madness.
Awwwwwww it's awesome how you all figured out the problem!
Love your Granny, she totally understands and is helping you
This is a perfect example of something that is done to help the person with ADHD will also help everyone else! I bet the rest of the family is going to find things get easier that they didn’t even realize were more difficult than necessary.
I really like the second question because so frequently I feel like I’ve explored all the solutions so when someone jumps to the third question without asking if a specific solution will work, my response is “I don’t know” because I don’t. But if someone helps me restart the solution searching process with a specific possibility, then it can help me think through what would actually be a potential solution rather than me thinking there is none.
Yea! Having someone to soundboard with and bounce possible solutions off of can help, it helps share the cognitive load too of trying to analyse the issue and it's possible cause and finding possible solutions that match.
@@HowtoADHD That sounds like a rubber ducky review.
Basically in computer science or programming in general sometimes we take aside some peers and explain a problem we're stuck on, our reasoning and process. By the time we arrive at the point we're stuck at, we usually come up with the solution ourselves.
Peers usually comment a bit, but most of the time we could've explained the problem to a bunch of rubber duckies.
Best part: Nobody in that community really minds, since most are working on their own problems and welcome the short break.
@@playhelm😂resonate with that same profession
A "stapler" at home is to have cleaning supplies at each point of use. So scouring powder, toilet gel, sponges, glass cleaner, whatever, in each bathroom and kitchen. If I have to run between bathrooms to get my supplies, it's not happening.
Sounds like me 😅
Also, I need a mop for every zone. I need a mop and/or mop head labeled for every zone- dining area, for each bathrooms, along with a cleaning caddy for each space.
I have a thing about cleaning supplies like mops heads being accidentally used on the wrong floor area 😔.
I used to be bad about doing laundry too- I broke them down in certain shade of colors where it took a week to get them all done; eventually I discovered the color catchers and they have helped me be less stressed and get more things done.
absolutely! four containers of clorox wipes because each room gets its own 😊
GREAT idea! Thanks! 👍
And for those of us who need readers now- one in the car to read menus at restaurants, one in the laundry room to read care labels, one in the kitchen for recipes, one near the laptop, one in the tote bag to go to Girl Scouts. You get the idea. Readers are available at Dollar Tree, so why spend a fortune on them?
YES! I also have tissues or paper towels in every room (and in the car!), preferably as easy as possible to reach, broom in the kitchen, trash cans at every place where trash may be produced... And many more things I can't think of right now
“It turns out I was not the only one struggling with these tasks. But I was the one who spoke up about it.” ADHDers are fantastic problem solvers because of how we see connections between seemingly unconnected things. It doesn’t always mean we will come up with these solutions ourselves, but when open communication is encourages, the solutions come while working in our teams.
My stapler is reminding myself regularly that I need to work with my brain instead of against it. And that sometimes I will be similar to others, and many times not, and that’s okay. That’s okay.
Every time I watch one of these videos I learn something new about myself and how to work *with* my brain instead of fighting it all the time.
I just recently had a "stapler" moment with a new manager. First day back at work after being off for a few weeks with illness, everything had changed so there were a bunch of new processes and systems I had to learn. I was feeling very disregulated and overwhelmed and just burst into tears. Manager took me outside, sat down and had a chat and he asked me almost exactly these questions - what's going on for you, what would help, what do you need.
First time I've ever actually had a manager do that and honestly I'm shocked at how those really simple questions got me from "about to walk out the door and hole up at home" to "Ok, I can work through this and I'll be ok". It's so so powerful when people actually *listen* to what you need.
❤
My biggest stapler is simply having someone to work alongside me. I can do a great many things when supported, but when ruminating alone I often completely shut down.
This sounds useful.
ALLOW HEADPHONES! That's my stapler. I've been really lucky that my job allows for it, and I'm able to passively listen to music or books or podcasts or even Endel (rec from this channel!) to keep my brain busy while I'm doing boring work.
For me, especially at work, I am a manager. A shift manager for the front and back. And a lot of times I am on my phone when doing stuff like stocking the store, paperwork etc. I always get this vibe people think I break the rules of dont care but for me the scrolling creates stimulus and thats what I need. Plus too much noise, or external stuff can give me anxiety or mental burnout. Went to a family birthday party and after 3 hours I was burned out. Wanted a nap. And it sucks because I cant explain it without sounding like its an excuse.
I have to keep my mind awake, too. By doing such as you've described.
I have to keep my brain awake by engaging it, such as you've described.
I feel you ❤️ everyone around me sees it as an excuse and shames me for it. Therapy is too expensive ($600 for one consultation). There seriously needs to be more awareness and widespread education that people actually comprehend and never forget. I was diagnosed at 10 years old and my life's fkd right now, I read through my psychologists consultation letters today and everything he predicted would happen to me (if left unsupported and unguided), has happened. I wouldn't wish ADHD on my worst enemies.
@@mr_kraabs6951❤
@@mr_kraabs6951 my goal is to either start a non profit (it's super hard to do) or for profit foundation. And how it works is, Every session there's two parts. One for the adults/parents and one for the kids. Education for the parents and understanding the diagnosis and the kids would be to get diagnosed and help them guide their way into using it to their advantage. And helping them with tools on how to navigate life and do what they love. I like for a lot of us, parents didn't want to understand. I went "undiagnosed" for 20 years. From 20-32 I said I had ADHD. Finally got tested and my mom said there's a huge difference on meds. Yet she thought they handed the meds out like crazy and didn't realize it took six months of getting tested, blood work, going to the doctor's and getting cleared. Once she saw how serious I was I think she realized she dropped the ball. Especially with doing poorly in school yet in tech school I got amazing grades. So I want to prevent that from happening to other kids.
The anecdote about closing the restaurant really rings true for me. The taking a bunch of tables and working with a bunch of people and being really good at that, but then staring at the paperwork afterward that then needs to be organized and feeling like "okay, now what" is really aligned with how I am at my best and at my worst.
"Accommodations can be powerful." Such an important statement, for ADHD and for the human condition in general.
For me, a hugely useful "stapler" can be simply asking for a deadline. If I'm responsible for a project, but there's no specific timeline associated with it, it can be easy to just keep procrastinating on it. When I'm finding it hard to knock out that sort of assignment, I will ask my manager to give it a deadline. A deadline allows my hyperfocus to start kicking in, and lets me push past the ADHD procrastination to get it done! 🙂
My #stapler at work has been more clocks! My boss knows I struggle with time management and time blindness so I asked for a clock at my main point of performance. Game changer! ❤
That's awesome!
Clocks are so helpful. Our house is covered in clocks that sound on the hour, which really helps me internalize the passing of time.
Clocks everywhere. A clock in the bathroom so I can see it in the shower, pointed at the direction I usually look when I'm showering lol
I need hooks. Everywhere. Anything I commonly lose (like my keys) goes on a hook. If I put my keys in the same spot twice, a hook goes there so I can hang them. If I put my phone or watch down somewhere, a multi-charging station goes there so I can hook my watch while charging it and my phone. My charging station can’t have cords everywhere, I catch things on them, so charging stations have to be combo plate style.
Thank you, I think that could also help me 😊
That's a great idea that will help me too
Adding onto this: you can get a pack of S-hooks at DAISO for a couple dollars. They hang on tension rods or command hooks nicely.
I hook my next day’s outfit for my morning self to just put on and not have to think about.
I hook objects I need to bring with me to work or a friend’s house.
I hook mugs at my tea station so they’re in sight and in mind at the point of making tea.
“S” hooks are amazing!!
Internalised Ableism is so accurate and one big reason why I struggle so much. I want this term to be a fixed term. #internalisedAdbleism
Yes!
I'm still working on implementing this one, but one "stapler" I've discovered recently is carrying a notebook in my pocket wherever I go. I've seen a lot of videos here on YT about getting in the habit of jotting things down in a notebook as opposed to the notes app on your phone because it's way too easy to get distracted by notifications and forget what you were going to write down.
I’ve never been diagnosed as having adhd, but the more I watch your videos, the more I wonder. Other’s videos too.
This video made me realize how many ‘staplers’ I have, I thought it was because I was lazy that I have duplicates of some items around my house. Now I think it’s more about knowing that if I have to search for something, I’ll get distracted and not get back to what I was doing.
So interesting.
Duplicates really helps me too.
I'm genuinely getting emotional over a manager who not only looks for a way to help their employees (because some of them really do care a lot for their employees out of a very well placed feeling of responsibility), but can also muster up the humility to ask questions inatead of feeling like they should have the answer for everything, and throw hard "solutions" out of what their own perception of the issue.
One of the things that really helps me is when someone picks up something small for me when they happen to be out and about, saving me from having to take an extra trip out.
So I don't have that task weighing on my mind, disrupting my day, breaking my routines, taking way longer than it would for someone else who is already "out", and saving me from a lot of pain.
Having to go out just to pick up something miniscule but important when I have no other reason to go out becomes a monumental task... one I usually put off for as long as possible (sometimes even days).
If a friend/family member/colleague/etc. just happens to be going out that day and is kind enough to ask, and then add a little extra time to their day out and bring the thing to me, saves me a metric TON of effort.
I always make sure to repay them for the kindness they showed me too, so they have that to look forward to.
That is AMAZING, isn't it? My husband is undiagnosed, but likely has ADHD, but he's safe to go to a store when he's tired at the end of a day. When I'm tired my lack impulse control means I'll spend 20 minutes looking at office supplies (because I LOVE office supplies - organization tools are my favorite impulse purchases!) when I went into the big-box store for a gallon of milk. $50 and an hour later, I'm home without milk. He can get in and out in 10 minutes with only milk. Astounding.
BAAAAAAAAAAABY!!! AHHH!! 😍
How cool that you were able to film with your squish in a way that kept you and your partner feeling safe about her privacy 💗
For me, it's a visual item/cue for where to put things. I'm considered very organized electronically, because I make folders for EVERYTHING. And, because storage is cheap, I don't delete things. So, if they need me to produce something from years ago, I usually have it.
In real life, I have things I can visually see to keep things organized. For example, in my home the zombie head bowl (real thing) is where my keys, wallet, and inhaler go. If those items are not there, they are lost. My phone is either on the computer desk, by the bed or in the bathroom. If it's not there, it's lost.
When I get out of the car, I do not put my keys in my pocket until I've locked the car. Lost the armsroom keys once in the Army to work on that habit. Any soldiers can tell you how bad that is.
Having specific places for things is essential for me. I also have a plate (not as cool as a zombie bowl) where my keys go; I’ve also been using the same design of bag for over a decade which has multiple pockets; I know which compartment everything should be in (which has led to a couple if scary moments where I couldn’t find my keys because I’d put them in the wrong pocket, but overall it keeps me organised). Even at work I have a specific place I put my things in the fridge so I know where to look, otherwise I lose them or forget what’s there.
I am diagnosed with inattentive adhd but I used to work in guest services for a theme park when I was in community college. It had a good amount of paperwork and I had to type notes on orders if I had to do refunds, memberships and comps. I would begin to organize my paperwork and create envelopes at the beginning of my shift after opening and then put my paperwork into their designated envelope as I went through my shift. I did my notes whenever I had downtime too.
Hello, Brains and Hearts!
Hello!
@@HowtoADHD I love your hair in the video. That's a really cute do.
Hello back at you! 😂
I guess one of my staplers is having multiple laundry baskets in multiple rooms. I realized that I don’t tend to get dressed/undressed in the same places all the time, but instead I usually will like kick off my socks and shoes while watching TV, toss a sweater aside while I’m working at my computer, forget to pick up my clothes after taking a shower, and then end up with random dirty clothes strewn about the house. So now I have a hamper in the bathroom, in the hallway, and in my bedroom and I just periodically empty them into a larger sorting bin in my laundry room when it’s time to do laundry. Makes cleaning up a lot easier and it makes habitually putting things into the hamper instead of on the floor a lot easier when the hamper is actually where the clothes are.
I find it's really helpful to identify the tasks that make your life hell with ADHD, and then find other people on the team that _enjoy_ those tasks. And then, crucially, not feel guilty as some of the burden is lifted off your plate. Obviously that's not an option with every job and ever group of coworkers, but it can be wonderful when it happens.
I'm way more productive if I can spend more of my time doing the things I'm actually good at, not trying to force my brain to comply with things that burn me out when there's another person that's happy to carry that torch.
And for everything I hate or can't do, there's an equivalent task I don't mind that I can take off of their hate/can't list.
A laundry basket where my pile of clothes used to be :)
As someone who has just been diagnosed with ADHD and autism and am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of new and actual helpful information...
I really want to thank this channel for helping navigate some of the overwhelm that I feel.
You do an amazing job explaining and also making it feel like it's okay to just be learning and discovering this newfound information ❤
I am really excited to see you tackle ADHD as a parent. It sounds profoundly challenging to ADHD.
Actually cried watching this from how relatable it is. Just being asked 'would _______ help?' instead of 'why dont you do _____? is the difference between me having a panic attack and me finding my stapler.
THIS!! The way they ask the question is so important for me! “Why don’t you…?” sounds like “you should’ve already thought of this” or “what’s wrong with you?” It’s judgmental and I shut down. But “would ___ help?” is an invitation or suggestion, much less judgy.
Exactly! One way makes me feel like a failure. The other makes me feel human.
Problem solving over criticism
Same
I remember hearing this story in your interview with Forest Hanson and it really stuck with me. I went on to tell your story to other people in my life because it is such a fantastic example of how we struggle and how someone can help. I'll probably send this video to more people I know. Thank you and positive vibes for you and your family.
Ooh! I found a stapler recently! There are a few things I have an extremely hard time cleaning/cleaning up because I hate the feeling on my hands. Sometimes it's *knowing* what I'm cleaning up, like cat vomit. 🤢 But if I have gloves on I can do it perfectly fine. No cringing. No gagging. Just wipe/scrub and done! I'm starting to put gloves in high use areas so it's easier for me to get The Thing done immediately instead of waiting and letting the mess sit.
Haha, I need a face mask for cleaning the litter box.
@@fipachu I hold my breath. 😅
In Utah we definitely have a culture that sees ADHD as laziness. There's an entitlement to excellence that requires you to always be on your best foot.
And the second you inevitably make a mistake, they will put you down and take your shortcoming personally.
Having lived in Utah for about 80% of my life; can confirm.
That is really sad.
I got diagnosed last year and I've only recently been realizing that serving a two-year mission (over a decade ago now) with undiagnosed ADHD made it so much more difficult. There's definitely a culture of maximum productivity and diligence 100% of the time no matter what.
Definitely! I feel that more in the north than I did down south, but definitely. I believe it's starting to change, but it's still very much that way. I'm grateful for that one sister at church while I was a student who was so much more capable of being outspoken about her ADHD than an introvert like me is about mine. I feel like I was able to talk to the leadership, and she was able to talk to everyone - which I think we need if things are going to keep improving.
😢
My manager put a sticker on the iPad we use as a register to remind us to clock in and out every shift because he saw some of us struggling with that (we have at least 3 staff members that I know of that are ADHD, myself included).
6:29 "we're not asked what would help, we're just told what SHould help, and then we try to make it work" excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor and wipe tears from my eyes omg I've never heard this articulated so well.
My thought process: Okay, staplers and probably paperclips at every station, assume 5 stations, so like 50 bucks. I'm paying you, lets say 10 and hour and it's taking you an extra half hour each night. That's 10 days to pay for itself, and then starts saving me money and time. Done.
I've worked places where I could buy the stapler myself and they would say no that doesn't go here. Now that is a signal that my time at that employer is going to be only as long as I can my time at that employer is going to be only as long as It takes to find another job.
A lesson I wish I had learned earlier... I was not only told "no post it notes" I was berated for needing them.
@@HobbyHopperJoanne I told my boss that colourful post it notes help me keep track of tasks, they were on my desk the next day. Good Bosses and jobs are out there, though they're challenging at times to find
Not a work related stapler but I used to pick at the skin around my nails and on my lips a lot so to help that I always have nail clippers and chapstick within reach! I’ve done this for years and it has helped so much and I no longer struggle with picking like I used to!
I don’t know about the skin but these splinters that break off of the edges of nails every now and then are SO ANNOYING.
I've been doing the same thing with nail clippers. It's done a lot to lift some of the shame I felt at the state of my nails, and the skin around them is much healthier now ❤
I have a nail file on my key set so I don't pick at my nails, and I try to drink more water so I don't have chapped lips as much. I still pick at the skin on my fingers if it's rough, next step for me is to have hand moisturiser everywhere.
Being able to eat at my desk and my office having coffee. Especially breakfast. I didn't realize how much it helped me be on time until I couldn't figure out why I have such a hard time being on time on the weekends. Just so many things to do before I get to the thing. Also, I wear more make-up on the weekends, so that takes extra time. And, making sure i either have caffinated tea on hand or coffee & creamer on the weekends because even though, I'm going to breakfast, my brain needs it to get me there.
My bf is also great about reminding me of time. He also has adhd, so he can tell when I'm going down the wrong rabbit hole which will make us late and he does fun rewards for us being early.
Thank you so much for recapping what was said immediately before the sponsor break! That immediately had me recover from the context switch and resume thinking on your story. Please keep doing this! 😊
I work in science research and I frequently struggle to manage my time. I am glad that my job has very few deadlines, but deadlines were the best way to motivate my work and prioritize my tasks. My boss has been very helpful by giving me a "deadline" for tasks that she wants me to do first, or as quickly as possible.
Thank you so very much! This helps in partnerships, too. Instead of fighting with my husband on and on about (for me) not properly done household tasks - in our case putting the laundry in the right bin - we finally sat down and discuss, why it did not work and what we could do to make it work. Now we have labled bins, so he just needs to read instead of guess. This works for so many things in the household (pictures in the kitchen drawers of the things, that belong in there and how it should be placed so everything has it's space; labeling the closets in the kidsroom; set timers for dinner- and bedtime or when to start cooking or get dressed;.. ). Don't accuse your partner to mess up on purpose. Talk with eachother, take eachother serious (even though you find things super easy - it can be hard for someone else! Saying things like: "but that is so easy!!!" does not make it easier - it hurts!), find solutions for the problems and try it out. So worth it!
Thanks for this video Jessica, I used to work in a Cafe when I was younger and I also had to close up at the end of the night and I always struggled with cashing out, I would lose concentration on counting money!
Put the deadlines in front of my face; if there's a [digital] calendar being utilized by the team, make sure it is updated and/or make it so I can update it. Also, setting up reminders with technology is pretty easy; do so.
For me, personally, I have a digital calendar set up to send me emails and push notifications of bills and other tasks that need to get done. Employers need to do this, too.
I also have two calendars, one big, one small, on the fridge, being held up by my magnet collection, which I LOVE to look at!
The big calendar is on the current month, the small calendar is on the next month, with all the dates for bills and appointments I know are coming up. Every day, I go to the fridge, which means I'm looking at the calendars every day.
Lastly, give yourself permission to do what works for you. If anyone gives you $#!7 for doing things differently, fvck them.
Do. What works. For you.
I've never been this early to ANYTHING. 😅
Welcome!
My remote job is flexible and my brain can't handle getting as much done as I want and when I want without structure/consequences. I could be making more money working more hours, but I've been missing out. I'd love if you could make a video about this kind of thing I'm sure it's not just me with this issue.
I totally have this issue as my own boss. I need external structure. Focusmate can help at times, but I’m not the best at forcing myself to do it.
WOW. ❤ Thank you. As a teacher, there are so many missteps I make, but watching your channel is helping me see both some specific things I can try and also clues to help me spot the kiddos who are struggling sooner. You are AMAZING. 😊
My daughter has ADHD and I homeschool her. She is not on medication, so there have been many challenges for us. Your channel has been a great help to us. It has helped me understand her better and the tips and tricks you share have helped her power through successfully. Thank you so much for what you do!
As an artists myself, i'm SO, SO, SO, *proud* of you.
-Claps with his arms above his head
I'm SO overjoyed by knowing we have another bean in our amazing community, and i wish you keep on going and get even better!! Your drawings already look cute and full of handmade love, so i wish to see more of it, as one myself, seeing the progress of other artists really keeps me motivated to keep on going❤
honestly I wish I could send this to my former manager. not even as an ADHD coping thing, but as a general business thing. that properly equipping and expressing empathy towards the individual needs of your staff can be profitable in itself. so many these days get so into penny pinching that they miss the big picture.
Can someone write down the 3 questions i cant concentrate the whole video 😂
What's going on?
Would [suggestion] help?
What would help?
@@catlover1466 Such a great example of accommodating one person in a way that is helpful for others too. TY!!
Uhh no offence but these sound like such obvious and simple questions to wek
@@user-iz3ss5rb3zthey are simple questions, which is a beautiful thing because it makes them easy to implement in your life. The problem is, most people weren’t taught these questions, weren’t taught to ask themself, or others these questions. And that most people are prone to jump to judgmental type thoughts, & to say their judgmental thoughts, instead of trying compassionate understanding.
@@catlover1466 thanks
I hope to be a caring manager one day (:
Thanks for the tips
I'm going to buy a small stapler to help remind me to ask the three questions throughout the day. 🤘
awwwww I love that!
I used to have a tiny stapler that would fit a keychain. Kept it in my purse. Loved it.
I love this idea!
3:10 good on you, Jess! I'm sure it's not easy to do videos like that but it's refreshing and hopefully empowering to own this period of your life and be real for everyone in your community. Grateful for you!
Are you engaged? And I’ve never had a manager understand my ADHD and instead thought negatively of me and were frustrated. They never thought to look deeper. I now am my own boss of my psychotherapy private practice and have never been happier.
Congrats on the baby!!
And thank you so much to you and the team for all the heart work you guys do!
I watched this great video . I would be scared to tell an employer I have ADHD. I would rather say that I have DCD.
Sadly , the stigma , misinformation, stereotypes and lack of awareness is rife.
My family can’t help . I feel I am taken advantage of because of my ADHD.
One can still explain what they are struggling with (ie: it's hard to get all my paperwork organised at the end of my shift) without necessarily disclosing that they have ADHD.
I understand, been there, currently where I work I told my supervisors in a roundabout way that it may take me more time to get the work done, but that it'll eventually get done. They understood and left it at that. It's less talked about still than autism but when I do say outright that I was diagnosed with it people don't believe it due to my incredible amount of masking I do to look normal. It's exhausting. 😑
As someone with adhd, my biggest struggle is not knowing what would help. Mine comes with object permanence, exutive functioning disorder and working memory disorder. Not sure if it is ADHD or my brain injury at birth. Either way lol they all work against me
Definitely sounds like adhd to me
I usually try to watch the ads on channels I want to support and you’re the first channel I’ve seen go back and go over the last couple sentences from before the ad… ABSOLUTELY GAME CHANGING😂
Another fantastic video. Thank you for the work you do!
Loved seeing your daughter without seeing your daughter! (If that makes sense.) Enjoy the ups and downs of these precious early days. They go so quick. Mine's already 21months lol.
I'm 59. Diagnosed a couple years ago. I had to figure these things out myself. I acquired the tools myself.
In my 20s, single parent of a 3 year old, upside down on my car payment. I was working piece work. My employer time studied me, causing an unmanageable pay cut. I got scared, imaging the terrible effects on my daughter. I got the thought to purchase a stop watch. That made a huge leap in my productivity. Helped me hyperfocus on the tasks. Later in the office I discovered excel and it's many tools.
My point being, can't we take Initiative in solving our problems, finding tools? I only mean this to be helpful. I don't think I have it as bad as some of you discuss. In my life nobody was going to help me. I would've been fired. I was scared. I was kick out of kindergarten and kicked off the bus in 1st grade. Isolated in a back room in 2nd grade. I was very disruptive, and adults had to do something in fairness to the other children. I understand that teachers have a better understanding of how to deal with adhd children now. I know do my best to guide kids today.
I think the idea with this video is to give insight on how someone can help someone with ADHD (while these 3 questions might work for other disabilities too especially invisible ones)
Furthermore, when you have ADHD you're already more likely to try to find ways to accomodate yourself already so it's really valuable when you have your environment cutting the work (at least for once)
It's not always obvious what solutions might be available or allowed. Especially when it involves communicating with others. Having a discussion with a manager or employee speeds up solutions with the brainstorming process.
Having more than one perspective always helps.
In your situation, it was clear that speed was the issue.
It was not obvious in Jessica's situation what was going on, so rather than cutting her hours, like what could have happened to you, the discussion revealed the problem & solution.
I think a lot of people have helped me and / or steered me towards tasks that fit my strengths. Hyperfocus and detail are not for everyone.
@dwayneheeter Exactly!
I'm a few yrs older than you. Many of us were made to feel less-than because of our so-called shortcomings. When a perspective for creative problem solving could have such a big impact. (Like using a stop watch!)
I'm guessing you had insights that helped others over the years, as well.
This video came at a really good time for me. I was feeling down on myself because of work and feeling my boss is negatively judging my performance a lot… and this helped me remember that no one has looked to accommodations, and it is sometimes just about not having what I would need to do the job well. And if the accommodations I would need just aren’t feasible for a small team, it’s okay to recognize that this job isn’t a great fit for me.
I love these questions & have used them in the past, but forgot about them. I also love the idea of looking up possible accommodations to proactively lean into cultivating more universal design choices/changes.
An accommodation that has helped me at different times was a time block first thing on a shift to get settled, catch up on what is needed for the day or what I missed, any correspondence, & specific daily tasks. I also did this at the end of the day so I could wrap up my tasks, documents, & communications from the day.
They key to it working required my colleagues to give me the space/time before talking to me, unless I am the only/best person & its urgent.
💜🙌🏾🌈✊🏾💜
My 24 year old daughter with adhd is going to try again to go back to junior college. She needs help. She goes great guns blazing until the end of the semester then crumbles and fails or barely passes. She is very intelligent. We live in Des Moines iowa. Help!
I'm in Georgia, but hopefully this can help. At the tech college where I work, we have a Student Success program with coaches on each campus who offer support to those who are struggling, regardless of their circumstances. I would see if her college has a similar program. Or at the very least, find out if they offer tutoring services. That's my job--I'm a tutor at my local campus, and I just so happen to have ADHD as well, so I completely understand the struggles! Tutoring labs on campus can be a great place to study quietly with fewer distractions. But we also provide tutoring via a virtual lab for anyone who can't make it to a campus lab. I would definitely look into these options to see if any of them are available at her college. I would also look into Accessibility Services to see if she can get accommodations for her classwork such as extended time on tests, a test reader if needed, and extended due dates for assignments.
It also sounds like she may be going through some burnout, which can happen over the course of a semester whether you're a student or staff. I know from personal experience. It's hard, but the best thing to do is try to balance school time and personal time as much as possible.
I think asking her the 3 questions in this video could help her a lot. Even if the answer is "I don't know," at least asking will show that you care and that you want to help.
I wish you both the best of luck!
...been there, done that. It took me until I was much older before I could get through a full semester, and even then I found it was easier on me to not try and go to school full time--one or *maybe* two classes at a time was better for my brain, so I didn't have to juggle tasks and deadlines, especially if I started falling behind or got busy elsewhere.
Especially if she's living at home, try part time school, rather than full time, so there's less executive function demand to keep track of what's going on when (in terms of which classes to attend, what's due, etc.).
@@signorabeatrice thanks!
Part time school was much easier for me to keep track of and manage. One thing for her to consider is what causes the end of semester troubles, and if anything can be accommodated. Is it having a bunch of big projects due at the same time? Would having professor check-ins/mini due dates help? Is it studying for big tests? Would having study groups help? Many folks I know, myself included, were never taught how to study.
I've been disabled for a couple years now and this is my first time hearing about JAN. I can't work, but this still looks like a really useful resource
Every time I change offices, I ask for a white board. It is so helpful, because as a millennial with ADHD, I am on my phone often getting sidetracked; whether it is a co-worker texting me or my partner keeping me up with issues at home. Having a white board in my office serves as my "parking lot" for work related topics to hyperfocus on when I have the bandwidth to do so. Having it on a white board instead of a note pad or file on my computer helps my coworkers and managers see what is on my mind and what I am working on instead of noticing me getting distracted.
Recently I've learned that what heps me the most is to just do what my brain is wanting to do in the moment even if it isn't related to what I was doing. If I try to fight it then I irritate myself and everything suffers because of it.
To me, its less about the stapler and more about the process of taking the questions and answers seriously. Which sounds a lot like just healthy (re-)parenting. And don’t forget: You don‘t necessarily need another person for that.
This is an amazing video! Much more of these videos are needed.
How about 3 words, FUS RO-
Those are very good points & honestly, previous ideas & issues with my ADHD have been helpful to lessen my frustration & disappointment in inadequately being able to get tasks done.
Body doubling has helped me, as well as breaking down tasks into smaller ones. Having supplies available & planning lessons/crafts (I'm a preschool teacher) 2-3 weeks in advance lessens stress later. My trick is to work on 1 week lessons making copies needed, then place those on the daily lesson folders then pick out the crafts, gather supplies & do any samples another day. I repeat this for wk 2 after I'm done with wk 1 same day, then wait another day same week for wk 3. It didn't ALWAYS work but seems to go better the more I try.
Thank you so much for mentioning askjan... I work on a mental health unit and so often we have folks who have multiple issues, and just like me they can have trouble identifying what can help. Having this site as a starting framework will be a godsend!
And being a new mom can be overwhelming for a neurotypical person too, so practice that self-compassion!
Hey, I started watching your videos a while ago, these were alarmingly relatable! I and my partner discussed them at length and quite some time later I had my ADHD assessment. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD.
I was sent my full report and on the last page there was some useful resources for adults with ADHD and you were there! Your website, CZcams and your book!
I can only thank you. Your content is wonderful and has helped me make sense of everything from learning about and gaining an ADHD diagnosis.
The only way is up from here. Thank you.
my principal is amazing and has patiently asked me "what would help?" multiple times over the years when we identified struggles i've had that need work. most recently, we identified that my anxiety makes it hard to stop rereading emails to parents and just send them (resulting in avoiding it) and i said it might help to have scheduled coworking time with someone where that was one of my tasks, and i could get someone to read it and give that little "it's good. send it" confirmation.
Pocket sized notebooks, and if there's a meeting first thing in the morning having it start 10min after work begins so I can review notes. Lifesavers.
I've been struggling. I really needed this video today. Thank you so much. Every manager, supervisor, teacher, parent should be aware of the helpfulness of these questions. Even if a solution is not immediately obvious, it can open dialogue to find one.
Organization style: At work I had an old card catalog. Each drawer was labeled by category (post-its, scissors, crayons, tape, etc.), drawers were in alphabetical order, and everyone in my classroom knew exactly what went where. So beneficial to those with and without ADHD. (I am not diagnosed but my husband thinks I have it, and since retiring, I have been wondering myself.) Organization binders with dividers and plastic sleeves are also super-helpful to me, although if I get overwhelmed with paperwork that can fail. However, there were two associates in my classroom who could help with those binders. Again, a solution for both ADHD brains and not. The final best solution for my students was that I had a drawer with labeled file folders; mostly those were by student name (in alphabetical order), but sometimes by student work group, or sometimes a category (like graph paper). That sort of thing works well for a limited number of students, so for example my special education roster or an elementary classroom, but not so much if you have a ton of students in a day because you are middle or high school. I can also see how these ideas could apply to other work sites, or some ADHD persons setting up their own workspace. Actually, categorizing, grouping, and labeling things is working well for my husband in my home. (Shout out to Clutterbug and Dana K White channels for teaching me to apply it to home.)
Thank you so much for this video. It's helped me feel a lot better about a previous job that I got fired from related to end-of-day tasks like yours. I know that part of the problem was being understaffed, but I still beat myself up over what I could have done differently to overcome that. It brings me some peace to know that I was doing my absolute best at that time, and that a large failing was the manager not doing their job by asking what was wrong, and then further not attempting to accommodate my struggles in any way.
This happened to me from a trusted friend about something that recently happened, and for the first time I was able to answer the question, and actually wasn't in massive analysis Paralysis, and she was so understanding. (never had I ever thought to do this with others that I know have ADHD), and this will be awesome for me to help others too!
Yay, so happy you’re making these informative videos more again, I’m sure it’s a lot to manage for you, but they make such a difference to my sanity. A big like an understanding info hug… Thank you!
Thanks! This was so helpful it brought hopeful tears to my eyes!
My new boss also has ADHD and it’s great because she understands that and using sticky notes helps the both of us so we use a lot of them at work, brightly colored ones. 😊
Jessica congratulations on the baby. I wanted to let you know that I found your channel about a year ago. My partner is a brain and I am heart. We were not in a good place in our relationship. After finding your channel and using a lot of what of the techniques you suggested (plus but your book) I have a great understanding of him now. Plus I have become his life coach which I love. I want to thank you so much for helping me be a better heart.
My “stapler” is a kitchen cart I use to organize my self care items. Items that can run out go on the top rack, while items that aren’t expected to run out (like a toothbrush or hair brush) go on the middle rack. The bottom rack is for backups of the stuff on the top rack, as well as stuff I could probably get away with throwing out, but am hanging on to just in case.
My wonderful friend/ boss created ' pinks' for me. We agreed a 'to be done by date' for every task. If I passed the date she would highlight in pink, ask me if I could/would do it and either give me a new date or give the task to someone else. Eventually we would know what tasks would be possible ( and that I would do brilliantly) and those that would be impossible for me that someone would whisk through, she gave away. Pinks - I recommend them
Same kind of struggle I have right now. Worked at a supermarket during my study. Was constantly busy, done my Bachelors which required a lot of time from me, worked about 25-30 hours as a manager at the supermarket, worked out for 10-15 hours and tried to manage my relationship. After my Bachelors I started working as an Engineer, mostly deskwork and just full time. Most of the time I rushed through my work in about 20-25 hours instead of the 40 and had nothing to fill my hours with. Here the problems began.
Couldn't get used to this way of working, couldn't handle the 'rest' and my mind just broke down on me and the problems only got worse. Now my third job, just signed contract to start at my fourth, hoping it'll require a lot more attention and 'load' me up with full time work so I can really satisfy my mind and keep it quiet. But I'm quite afraid of it not being that way and I'd be done finding new jobs, don't really know where to go after that.