Tony Attwood - Aspergers in Girls (Asperger Syndrome)
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- čas přidán 24. 08. 2018
- The best ever lecture on Aspie women. Prof. Tony Attwood - Asperger Syndrome in Females, Autism Spectrum Disorder in Females. Source: vimeo.com/122940958 . See also the Ask. Dr. Tony Show: / @autismhangout
Pro: in an emergency, all the normies cry and freak out and you are the only one who has it together enough to talk to the emergency services.
Con: you now have to talk to the emergency services.
so very true
Been there twice for family members that had strokes.
@Tony Macaroni it really isn't
Been through this so many times. I always experience the feelings afterward when the normies are all relieved and often they will behave critically like something is wrong with me because the situation is over with and Im just starting to freak out and go into hyper review of everything. Been through this with enough groups that I will choose not to rescue if I’ve been berated like that after previous rescues. I will vanish instead.
Yep I've been there 😂
I have heard a lot of people with autism talk about how they are too socially aware that it causes sensory overload and social anxiety.
YESS! SO much "YES!"
Yeah, I can't speak for others but I get upset when other people are upset because I tend to mirror what's around me so I need, if I'm going to socialize, for other people to be relaxed and calm.
I feel what others are going thru...I am very helpful and have a good ear for listening, but then I am drained after interacting for more than an hour or two.
This is my experience. The social anxiety is not driven by insecurity "about self" but avoidance as "protection of self". It becomes difficult to understand ones motivations because they are being interpreted by non-autistics. Only when someone who is autistic develops their own language of interpretation of self independent of others that they gain accurate insights into the true motivations behind their behavior.
Though you cannot speak for every person with AS, chances are good that they may be onto something.
Before my diagnosis, I thought every girl felt this way, but were faking it better than me.
I've ever felt like that... 0_o
They do
@@supme7558 No they don't. Normal girls feel a different way than Asperger's girls.
I think everyone fakes a little, especially teenage girls, but we fake at different degrees.
As a neurotypical girl, if I wanted to fake a certain persona to be accepted in the popular crowd, I'd have a much easier time anticipating exactly how to act and speak in order to be accepted.
Whereas for aspie girls (from what I've gathered in the talk), they have to rely on fiction and soap operas as research because they have a harder time judging what the popular crowd likes and don't like based solely on their body language.
@@phadenswandemil4345 Bingo! I've been listening to popular autism videos lately, and see girls who I doubt are autistic, giving symptoms that are normal for most children and teens. I think autism is the new black.
"We think if we are very, very good, people will like us and all will be well."
Nothing has described my life more than this.
>be good so no one bothers you
>accidentally become teacher's pet and have to now deal with more social situations
ah fuck
Probably the sadest (and truest) sentence I‘ve ever heard
Exactly, ikr
We want nothing else but to be liked when we are constantly rejected by our peers we will hang out with anyone who will accept us. Often spend time with adults
I felt that.
I actually zone out if I try to look at peoples eyes when they're talking. I spend so much effort staying 'connected' to the eyes that I loose track of what's being said
norsegal norse yes!! Me too
Same. Sometimes it even gives me dissociation or a feeling of unreality.
looking at a point between the eyes helps for did,found this one when was 42
@@andysmith5997 Yeah I usually try and look at or slightly below the glabella. I still zone out sometimes but less than if I looked at the eyes
Folks, this could simply means that you are all highly visual and because of that, you literally have problems hearing another person if you are looking at them. My most conscious sensory system is Visual ( as is 80% of the public.) Some people think it is a sign of disrespect if someone looks away while they are talking to them. Actually, it can be a sign of respect in that by not being distracted by visuals, one can fully concentrate on what is being said to them. Norsegal norse said as much very precisely. Although commonly misunderstood, it is a common strategy for taking in information. I speak professionally and personally on this.
"When I dress fashionably I feel like a man in drag" I cried that hit home hard
I can understand that but for me it's only with things that just aren't my style and make me uncomfortable. I actually started loving over the top girly clothes with bright colors and glitter around 9th grade and also I wore a TON of perfume everyday back then but now I don't so the perfume thing isn't true for everyone obviously.
Modern fashion makes me feel the same way, but when I dress in historically accurate Victorian lady clothes I am comfortably feminine. Drove my father nuts for years as I kept rejecting girly clothes as a girl, and I especially hated the color pink. :P
I haven't gotten to that part but hell yes I have never met anyone that says they feel that way. It's so good to not be alone in this and these incredibly unique and strange feelings that you feel like no one else can relate to in your social circles.
I'm not interested in really being stereotypically masculine or feminine. My interests tend to be boyish to neutral. I mostly wear t-shirts and jeans, not because I'm trying to cross-dress but because that's what's comfortable for me.
omg me too !!!
He should have deserved 2 hours to speak, not 30 minutes
I didn’t realize this was 30 minutes till the video was over lmao
Yeah, I could listen him for hours and I definitely need to know more from him. I can feel that there is much more interesting informations he could share. :(
Agreed!
@@somethingwithbungalows same I thought it was 10 minutes
"I find it interesting when I read about people with Aspergers not being able to detect people's moods and body language like subleties and facial gestures. My problem has been because I am too aware of people's moods and expressions. I am too sensitive and very easily hurt. Even as a small child I was very aware of my parents moods."
He left that part but YES!!!
Same...
Perhaps you were raised by narcissists or abusive family members? My mother was an alcoholic and malignant narcissist, so I learned to read her facial expressions, mood swings, etc to avoid severe punishment. As an adult, I also apply those learnings to read others but from the perspective of fear & avoidance. To this day, I'm keenly aware of the moods/attitudes/expressions of others as a defense mechanism.
I know, he skipped right over that and I was like, "Hey that's me!" I have extreme anxiety about anyone being upset with me, so maybe that's why I got so good at reading people's body language. I'm not sure why I've always been this way, as I had two very loving parents who were never remotely abusive. I can't even remember them ever yelling at me. But even if someone just makes a nasty remark, my brain will go into a loop replaying it over and over and it makes me feel physically ill. Between medication and learning some coping techniques like meditation it helps, but if I get caught off guard it still feels like being sucker punched. I don't even like watching things like political shows where people are yelling at each other. It's like if there's anger or tension in a room I kind of absorb everything instead of being able to deflect it and let it roll off me.
I'm relating way too much to this right now. I'm very sensitive to people's moods as well. I identified with way too much in this talk, but reading faces and moods is always something I've done extremely well because I grew up with a BPD mom, so I figured that disqualified me. And it's interesting that he mentioned BPD can go along with Asperger's because she said for years before she died that she always felt like maybe she had ASD. I thought she was just misidentifying her BPD traits, but I didn't know it could be co-morbid. It might explain some stuff about her...but I guess we'll never know.
Mari J Yes, you spotted it. My therapists don't think I have aspergers. I think you and them might be right. I have a covert-narcissist mother with borderline traits (if the two are possible together) 🤔And I had a father who sexually abused me. I'm now pretty sure that I have C-PTSD but there are not a lot of specialists for this kind of mental disorders it seems... And I always been an highly-sensible person with sensory problems. Thank you for your answer, Mari. I wish you a more peaceful life than your childhood have been. You are worth of it. 🌸
Oh! And sorry if my english is not so good. It is not my main language. 😅
I used to take fake toilet breaks at school. Didn't need to pee; just secretly wanted to get out to the empty corridor for a bit. Still went to the loo to keep up appearances.
Smart
Same!
I still do this as an adult. I’ll hang out in the washroom a little longer than I really need to, or I’ll leave the party and sit in a room by myself (which doesn’t help with making you not look crazy to others) or I’ll find the pets in the house and chill with them.
i still do that today :')
I do that at parties when the music and/or people get too much for me.
'Pathological fear of making a mistake' damn near made me cry.
Add a religious upbringing and the treat of damnation on top of that and you have my childhood.
I literally feel like crying right now because, in my entire life, I have never felt this understood. I was tossed in a corner during childhood as siblings were the squeaky wheels and I was the quiet one. And although I wanted my parents affection I much preferred to be in the corner as anything I did was wrong, criticized, belittled and punished. Social exhaustion, wanting to be pretty but in my own way not the commerialized way and ended up wearing boys clothes to my mother's disgust because I couldn't stand the feel of elastic or lace or tightness or polyester, etc on my skin. To this day my entire family believes I'm gay and just haven't realized it or I'm in denial. But I am enamored with men. I am completely and whole-heartedly attracted to men. I have a love/hate relationship with people. Always misunderstood in my communications and judged harshly for it. And yet I feel being the way I am is the best thing ever....until I'm around people :) I have an incredible imagination, I love the way I talk, I love the way I think, I love being curious and "nerdy" about subjects that no one else cares about. I love being me. Thank you for your work, sir. Someone finally "gets" me :)
You just described me in a nutshell. I love me and my curiosity in things that people don’t care about. I just don’t get how they can walk by those wonderful things and not be in awe by them or want to know more. I’m a t-shirt and jeans girl and have always been told I have my own style. There’s plenty more, but I want you to know that this ☝🏻 is my normal, and you fit in my normal which is cool as hell.
You're just like me. Welcome home! :-)
It's amazing to read that despite your struggles you love yourself 🥰
@@lauramay5361 That seems to be the struggle for many of us, doesn't it? Loving ourselves despite this or that. The older you get the more you remember that, as a young child, you didn't care what others thought of you and you were so much more happy not giving your energy to that. Watching what you say becuase someone might get offended. Not doing what's in your heart because someone might judge you. Remembering that kind of happiness creates a desire to never return to the enslavement by the opinions of others about you or what you do. :)
@meagan welch Have you ever had anyone call you weird or stupid? I have. Many times. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I've argued with them, at least in my head that I'm not stupid or weird but exceptionally intelligent and bright and creative and just an all around awesome person. I'm guessing those same feelings have gone off in your mind as well because it's true. That is our own Spirit championing us! That is whatever God you believe in saying, "Don't listen to that. I believe in you and remember that YOU believe in YOU too." Of course there is no way to walk out of those situations, one after another for decades, without marks and scars but the more we chose to remember who we really are and brush aside the belittlement and abuse the easier it becomes to love ourselves and remember that THAT LOVE is the only thing that matters when we are being called weird or stupid. And who are they anyway. Something to consider - anyone who puts that much energy into abusing someone else has so little love for themselves and that is not your burden. Someone once told me that emotional entanglements are like a bunch of people playing Twister and trying to do ballet at the same time...IT'S UGLY. And sometimes all it takes is for one person to let go to unravel the ugly and build something beautiful. I was the one to let go in my family and it has healed so many wounds...not all but so many. Just a thought to ponder. My prayers to you for any strength you need.
I wish that he could have kept going. The part about vulnerability in the romantic context hit me so hard. So much abuse because I couldn’t read the signs.
This was the part my heart and my head need to know. It feels like the world is keeping a secret from me.
Yes, I would have loved to hear more things in detail as well! Does anyone know if he have other lectures online?
Same, never understood boundaries or consent even. I wish they at least taught that in schools. In the church I was taught I was a servant made for males. That is all. It caused me years and years of horrific abuse. So thankful for internet and access to so much information. Before that, I would get every book on a subject from the library. But, it was far too limited. I hope to one day teach in schools about body autonomy, emotional regulation techniques and consent. If we start teaching early we could save so many vulnerable people, so they never have to go through what we went through.
That was extremely hard for me too and it caused a lot of pain but thankfully after years if therapy I'm doing a lot better and I hope you were able get help as well
I just didn’t date after my divorce. I had PTSD going into the marriage, which became *much* worse during the marriage. Not being able to read all the signs, or know how to respond (this part is so important!), is just too much at this point. I’ve been divorced almost 10 years.
Eek, give him 15 more minutes. T.T
I want to hear him speak for 5 more hours... 👏🏽😊
IKR
He started to rush right around the info that I needed :(
Yeah another 30mins would have been good.
@@chanuppuluri8726 Seriously. I felt that way too.
Well, this explains pretty much my whole life. Now in my 70s and still most comfortable and at peace alone with my cats and my crafts.
leleslie45 I like cats and crafts. Whatever makes you happy.
That sounds like a lovely life you have there. I got the crafts, now I need the cat! :D
This is so sweet! I hope you are loving it!
I am in my 40's in exactly the same spot.
Sounds like an cream life to me, Leslie:) my ideal version of 70, if i ever make there, isn't too different: Being surrounded by nature, my dogs, some good books and my paintings, no people.
I (and my family) always wondered why I would read 3 fictional books a week until I was 16, where I stopped out of nowhere (i only read books about science and biology from that day on). Now I know it's because I felt like I was done learning social skills and I didn't need these books anymore. They simply started to bore me, because mentally I've gone through every situation possible and how to react to it.
This is so spot on and funny, I love this guy!
That makes so much sense for me as well! I never thought about it that way!
Ann Jay My life story..
That's me exactly!!! Used to read lots if fiction as a teenager then suddenly only nonfiction and now i hate fiction! I love super boring subjects too
When I was a kid, I would go to the library every Tuesday and check out their maximum amount allowed (16 books), and read them all before the next Tuesday. I made it through that library's entire YA section one summer. 😆
Ok so my personality as a badass woman isn't me but me trying to imitate the badass women I have read about and watched? 😂😂 Makes sense tho
I remember going on a summer camp for a week as a 12 year old. It was incredibly draining and I was totally exhausted by the end. I climbed into the car when my mom came to pick me up and the first thing she said was "Tell me all about it!!". I just couldn't. I managed "I don't want to talk right now" and said nothing else on the way home. She was convinced something had happened at the camp. Nope, I just had no more social skills tank energy left.
This was my whole entire school experience growing up. To a teeee
This happened to me on every summer camp of the church that I was a part of before.
Me at every family gathering. And every family vacation. And also after every school day
I was sent to summer camp and I do not have Asperger's. It was still exhausting. 100 strangers in your face all day every day. I was there with my younger brother and now I realize he has Aspergers. He did fine, he had his older brother to watch over him.
Went to stay in a cabin for a week with two friends, it was small, we were together constantly, all staying in the same room. I had a meltdown, ended up yelling at my friend over duct tape 😭 it was a mess
I know so many people who have Aspergers who are obsessed with Japanese culture. Also Russian culture too.
Yup, Russian culture. Why is that tho?
scalpelli it’s orientalism plus typically japan and Russia has been ‘othered’ in our media - East Asians tend to be stereotyped comedy characters, Russians are villains. Maybe discovering these cultures are actually rich despite our media, might resonate with autistic ppl who feel misunderstood.
Also culturally japan tends to be very internal and anime characters say their inner thoughts, this is appealing if it’s hard to read subtext. Not too sure on Russian culture.
That is surprisingly accurate, at least for me. Baffling.
I've no idea why Russian culture is appealing to them but u get Japanese. the anime characters have super exaggerated emotions and so do lots of people in tv shows and pop culture. it's quite exaggerated
I would also add the Scandinavian countries to this list, if I may.
As an ASD girl, the stuff about Harry Potter was so spot on for me. Harry Ron and Hermione were my first friends and I’ve often thought how much I’d struggle socially now if I’d never read those books. Those books were my gateway into the social world.
I'm an autistic girl too and also love the harry potter series. It's currently one of my special interests.
Same here (though not officially diagnosed), Harry Potter has always been one of my special interests - Hermione and Luna were so special to me. I used to spend hours pretending to be at Hogwarts and being an amazing witch. I would probably have developed even worse depression and committed suicide at a very young age if not for those books and the character of Hermione.
D&D (still living in fantasy) has currently taken over HP as a special interest, and is forcing me to socialise, but I really struggle with finding a group I get on with.
Huh. I'm still an avid reader at age 47, and loved HP in my 30s....good imaginary charachters are always helpful, I guess!
Rowling also says that she really likes Hermione because she and Dumbledore (another of JKR's faves) are great exposition characters, and if she needs to reveal some obscure thing about Hogwartz or magic, then she can give the line to one of them because you can always assume that Hermione has just read it somewhere.
You know what? Lol. She might be aspie after all...
I didn't have Harry Potter as a girl in the 60s and 70s. As a child, I read every last damned Doctor Dolittle book I could get my hands on, Borrowers as well. As I got older, I got into acting (but my hormones and medications for epilepsy made me too large for most drama classes) and music (I actually tried to learn guitar with the idea of starting the band, but was stuck in the one class that was filled up by sweathogs that really weren't interested..eventually gave that up after complaints from my parents about me trying to imitate a musician's style) At least Aspie kids have it a bit easier today- My parents felt like the baby track or teaching was my best track to success, I think. It wasn't easy being Aspie and feminist at the same time as a teen!
This whole 30 minutes felt like this guy was just reading my biography or something...
Luna Lovegood could also be a perfect exemple of an Aspie girl
Yes! I loved that character!
She's my favourite character, she's so ok with being herself and with being considered weird
We can just get
oh man you are right
she seems like someone with both asperger's & ADHD
The hardest adult lesson I had to learn, that no one would explain to me is this: My being incredibly sensitive to someone socially is not the same as listening to what the person is intentionally trying to share with me. Their internal life (emotions, feelings, precautions) are private and just because I can feel them/see them/read them, doesn't mean I am invited to know them; especially when the casual introduction and natural/social trust-building has been such an awkward and bumpy road of verbal missteps/cues. That's why we're so often accused of bad listening. It's a matter of sorting. Teach your Aspergers kids the "underlying and unspoken rules" of trust-building (and which to prioritize), and they might lovingly follow them. That education is all I ever wanted and it has helped immensely in my friendships!
What are those unspoken rules?
Would you mind explaining a little further please? I know I've made mistakes in this area my whole life, later feeling bad about the interaction.
That is so good and i agree, this stuff needs to be taught. I learned something invaluable, but, hard to put into practice at university. It was a course about social skills. They talked about over disclosing and how uncomfortable it made people. I had no idea. If someone asked me a question I would tell them the whole answer, no filter. My therapist is now teaching me how to write down what is and is not needed to say. a preparation list of sorts, with questions I can ask when anxious, and answers I can give that are not oversharing. I wish I learned all this prior to age 41.
Wow, this is incredible insight, extremely interesting, and such a good point to consider. People might not be ready for you to know the things that you notice about them. So it's kind of like respecting their privacy even though you already know what they don't want you to know and you need to almost pretend not to know so they won't feel uncomfortable.
@@sammieboyd6348 wow, this!! I unknowingly wrote a list of things I should keep to myself, some years ago. Before my list, I would tell anyone with ears some of my deepest, darkest fears/traumas. On one hand, I guess I hoped the person would take pity on me, and therefore treat me kindly (I was lacking actual boundaries and self assertion to demand proper treatment, which would have been a more normative response). On the other hand, I hoped to demonstrate that I was not a 'threat' since I was myself a victim ( again, lack of boundaries and self-awareness).
Anyway. Happy to see writing a list was suggested by your therapist. It's been very beneficial for me! I hope it is for you too. :-)
A lot of this hit me hard, remembering avoiding the play ground at all cost, stuffed animals were my best friends, not having a group of friends, date rape, people are exhausting, avoiding parties and social occasions at all cost , having people ask what is wrong with me for not having friends, spending hours getting lost in music, documentaries, reading, drawing, researching, highly sensitive to noise, perfume, being told at a young age I was more mature than I should be like that is a flaw etc. And to think my therapist just last week told me Asperger's was taken out of the DSMV because it doesn't exist. People that don't live in this world have no idea and post stupid things like,"It's not the things in your life that matter but the people". First, it is taking for granted every persons primal need for food, clothing, and shelter for granted but it is also arrogant to assume all people get their comfort in social situations. To be told,"your problem with friends may just be that you have looked in the wrong place" is insulting and shows complete disregard for the way I am wired. No one chooses this, so why shame us for not being whom people want or expect us to be. No wonder I would choose my dogs over people, at least they get me.
I would look for an other therapist if I were you or ask the one you have to watch this video.
@@harrynac6017 I did and it was amazing how quickly an apology came in my next session! Thanks for the reply!
Its not that Aspergers doesn't exist...it has been renamed because Asperger was a Nazi. Now its called autistic spectrum.
Examine all the old married people you can find and count how many friends they have. Once you retire the illusion of friends vanishes.
@@yossarianmnichols9641 I know a lot of older couples that are super social. Lots of cards,dominoes,church stuff,etc. The thought of any of it just nope. I will probably just surround myself with dogs. On the positive side, I won't be going to funeral after funeral as another social event.
Why is this man I've never met describing my behaviors and mannerisms in such perfect detail???
Because he's worked in the field for 40 years and is a leader. Meanwhile, females with autism everywhere are overlooked. It's only recently that the different presentation of autism in females has been recognised so it's easy to see how there's a whole "lost generation" of women who have struggled through life knowing that they're different but blaming themselves and being misunderstood and misdiagnosed or dismissed. This is slowly changing thankfully.
I learned a trick when it came to looking people in the eyes. I looked at the bridge of their nose. They can't tell that you're not looking straight into their eyes. Just one trick of many that I learned to cope in this confusing terrifying world.
This brings a distinct memory to mind. My mom helped my sister and I throw a sleepover when I was 7. I was so excited, but ended up by myself crying because I didn't understand why they didn't want to watch a dinosaur documentary with me, preferring the Disney movie instead and outvoting me at my one party.
Ye Gods, that just reminded me when I was about 14 I went to a youth club disco where we could take our own records. I took some classical music! LOL! Kudos to the adults who arranged it though, as they played one or two of mine during the intermission.
Something similar happened to me, I cried on my own birthday party, as other kids didn't want to do the same things as me and disrupt decorations... I don't do birthday parties any more, they are to stressful, this should be my day to celebrate but instead I need to think about other people having good fun - their type of fun :/
Joke's on them - dinosaurs are awesome. You definitely had the right idea.
I had one birthday party I never asked for. I was turning 8. My mom chose who was invited, and the major activity was horseback riding. I didn't like horses. I mean, I didn't hate horses, but I had no interest in horses or riding them. It was me, my mom, two other adults, and two minivans full of girls. Before we went to the riding center, we went to the mall. We were in a big box department store, and everyone was in the Barbie aisle picking out dolls and things as party favors. I kept asking if we could do something else or how long it was going to take, and I turned around and walked across the main aisle to look at the electronics. I remember having a meltdown when they eventually found me by the sneakers.
same thing with me! i had forgotten about that!
I never saw legos as boys toys. I loved building houses & making gardens with them.
I also had to mask at home, way later in my room on my own, I would break down and cry for hours and would scream but without any noise....
I was in tears by the end, to have a stranger so perfectly describe my past, and all of my quirks and flaws, I think I need to look into this more
It feel so weird and yet liberating. After a whole life being scared nobody will ever understand you, and suddenly you find a doctor, without even speaking to you, knows exactly how your mind works.
It's thrilling to finally be able to say "f**k it! I wasn't spoiled or had a bad temper, it was the way my brain and many other people's works!"
i'm just here checking boxes
It’s all me except the dolls. I’d rather be in the woods. I’m now 60 and still struggling with people. I don’t understand them and they are exhausting! I escape through creative endeavors and I still want to be in the woods!
Anna Mossity people are exhausting when you don’t have a strong self connection.self connection is what must be developed not people skills.
I can relate so much, even tho I haven't been diagnosed. I hated dolls actually had no clue what to do with them, just like with other kids. I also always preferred to create things an escape.
Sometimes you have to develop self connection to understand why some people are so utterly exhausting! 😁
I'm sick of men and women not on the spectrum telling us what to do .
If you lived ...NO SURVIVED ..my life ( 52 now ) you would listen to us instead of speaking over us 😔
I empathize with you sister
Aspies are great. Love the intelligence and anti social aspects. Love the quirkiness. Embrace.
I just wish I could be normal. 🤦🏾♀️
I'd be happy on a planet with only animals, humans are exhausting.
@@zxyatiywariii8 Yeah, but ffs I don't want humans to be exhausting, I love humans, I just wish I could interact with them normally the way other people do. I wish my brain didn't go all foggy and cloudy every time I try to live in the moment.
@@zxyatiywariii8 i love watching humans lol, they're an interesting bunch
@@parlaverita5581 Bless you. We find our path. Love your unique self. Appreciate it. I pray you will find people who love and understand you, and with your heart, I'm sure you already have or soon will. God be with you.
The word antisocial does not mean unsociable. Common error. Antisocial means having a lack of empathy, callousness, and even socially destructive. If you were extremely antisocial you would be a sadist.
Unsociable is the word you want.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to solve my confusion around this. I have about 80% of the traits of female Asperger's but many of them are also symptoms of being raised by emotionally immature parents so I am never sure what is what.
Jessie W You can still be an aspie. Being able to focus intently on hours on one topic or more and learn all about them is not something average people can do.
You could be gifted.
Get a diagnosis then lol
Could be both honestly.
Your parents could have ASD.
For female Aspies, do you think its possible that a life of misdiagnosis and isolation after trying so hard to fit and never really getting it, could lead to feeling empty, a problem with identity and emotional regulation....what i am getting at is could a lot of these girls be being diagnosed with personality disorders rather than autism and is that why they are so difficult to see and help?
I bet the answer is an enormous "YES"!
What an intelligent, thought provoking observation.
Yes, I think that females are massively under-diagnosed, mis categorized and abused.
Literally me. I'm just so tired
🌟 Hi Wendy!🌟 I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I used to cope with my Asperger Syndrome by watching cartoons, doing cosplay and escaping into all things fantasy. I used to have NO interest in the “real world” but I’ve slowly opened up to real people. I now have 3 great friends, I’m in a band, and I have a 4.0 GPA! I’ve gotten stronger
This was me! I often wished I was one of the characters in a cartoon. It took me a very long time to watch live-action tv shows.
I'm an Aspergers mother of two Aspergers kids (adult son, teenage daughter). I went through hell growing up because I didn't know why I was different and had severe anxiety TRYING to mimic social behavior, but never being able to really pull it off. I'm 50 now and only pieced it together around a decade ago that Asperger's/autism applies to me and also to my children. Just finding out why I am the way I am was such a relief. And it allowed me to be an awesome mother to my two autistic kids because I can help them not feel caught up in the trap of trying to fit in and, instead, just be ok being themselves. And it helps that the school system in our town has actively worked at creating a safe space in schools stressing "kindness matters" and not allowing bullying. My daughter is going through the pressures of high school, but has never witnessed bullying and is happy wearing comfortable clothes, making friends at her own pace, and being herself. I make sure my kids know that I support their special interests and that I love that their extensive knowledge of their topics makes them unique. It makes me happy to see them so much happier and having none of the anxieties I had of trying to make myself fit into a world that wasn't made for me. I'm making a world for them.
When i make eye contact i lose the conversation almost instantly because i dont know if im staring too much or not enough.
I definitely have aspergers syndrome...I have multiple differed "personalities" or faces I put on depending upon the situation. There is me at home, which is an imitation of how I know my parents want me to act. There is me at school, which is how I know my teachers want me to act (I get very good grades, etc). And me in social situations...this is where I mimic a good girl persona as I attempt to keep everyone around me happy. Social situations absolutely terrify me. I am constantly in fear of saying the wrong thing or making the wrong gesture. I am extremely focused on my interests and I spent years owning/training horses..I still own 5 to this day :). I never had female friends growing up and I always played alone. I had imaginary friends and collected dolls (like to an extreme). The biggest thing for me is finding out who I really am underneath all this. I struggle horribly with anxiety and depression, all of which usually arises from poor social interaction. I really hope to get better..... I just don't know where to start.
You have started just by realizing that you are an Aspie and uploading this post. You can see a psychiatrist or you can get a few books on Aspies or find an older Aspie who has successfully integrated themselves into the NT society and get some guidance from them. Its all worth it.
Oh, dear, yes. You are doing a good job already, now just try to find out how to let off some steam. Blending in is HARD and STRESSFUL.
@@mistrallle You are right. Is is hard and stressful. That is why I stopped trying to force myself to be something that I am not, I now look at it like I'm visiting a foreign country, I enjoy the differences, and explain what is different about me so that I can meet these folks halfway, it has worked for me for many years now and my stress levels are way down now.
If it helps, the psychiatrist doing my assessment has recommended 'Aspergirls' as a good book tp start with.
@@Idek949 Thanks I will pass that along to my (many) Aspergirl friends.
I am crying now because this makes so much sense of my life.
@@nonamepainter thank you, and here's a hug right back *\(..)/*
I just wish that the understanding and resources we can access now were available a very long time ago.
Exactly the same!! I have always struggled and asked myself why I cannot be popular? What do I do wrong? What should I say to make friends? And when somebody asks me something and I tell them the truth, why are they so offended?
@@One-Ring-To-Rule-Them-All Only the truth can pass my lips and I've been the fart at the garden party on many occasions. Like you I couldn't understand why. Over the years I've learned to be less blunt. I care very much about others' feelings, never wish to offend, and have got myself in a right pickle trying to overanalyse what others tell me in their cryptic way. At the tender age of 48 I finally figured out I'm not neurotypical. Years ago I found my career niche in IT, working with a bunch of fellow freaks, and wouldn't have it any other way ;-)
A few of my friends also told me to fake it till I make it while we were growing up. (I still don't feel like I've made it, but hey still trying.)
Me too Irene. Big time. I have had so many diagnoses over the years and they keep shifting. Nothing fits better than this description of Aspergers. Some of the features mentioned gave me chills because they are absent from other diagnoses. For instance, selective mutism and sound phobias. I can't tolerate dogs barking, loud chewing, heavy bass, repetitive sounds like toe tapping and pen clicking, and the list goes on. I relate to probably 90% of the characteristics identified.
Thank you for this. I'm a 55-year-old woman w/Asperger's. I had a job where, for many years, I had to go to trade shows. Each day started w/a breakfast event, the show, then parties and dinners, ending at 10 or 11 pm. By the time it was over, and having spent several days holding my real thoughts at bay and constantly talking to people it was my job to talk to, all I wanted to do was sit at home and not talk to anybody. And I'd constantly feel inferior to my co-workers the whole time--I had the wrong clothes, the wrong husband, the wrong income, you name it. I just wanted to go back to my world.
A lot of times people say to me that I'm such an honest person or that I'm the most honest person they know, but I think I lie A LOT, like I think I lie so much, but if I'm supposed to be honest, how much do other people lie? I can't understand that.
We have the exact same thought and predicament here.
I cried during a few parts of this video. I'm 36, just diagnosed last year, masked successfully for most my life, but not masked well enough to keep myself safe or to launch successfully into a career. I persist, I keep on moving toward my goal, but I feel like my 20s were wasted on other people's dreams and goals for me. At least I had two children, but they don't live with me and I feel depressed about that a lot of the time.
Thanks for posting this video, I feel like I'm not alone.
czcams.com/video/mSfH2AuhXfw/video.html From one aspie to another.
Bless you.
I really feel for you.
It's tough having to mask all the time.
And worse to feel you are alone.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone and that you are a beautiful and valuable person.
Sending you positive vibes and a virtual hug❤
I masked successfully enough to get a physics degree and begin my career in scientific copy editing, being such a stickler for detail that I excelled at it. By good fortune that morphed into IT work, another rule-based job that also allowed my logic-based mind to grow in its own unusual way. I feel in my case it was always more luck than good judgement that I fell into my technology career path, although I have brilliant colleagues who are ex-air force, ex-army and ex-warehousing technical geniuses. We all have something we can excel at, we just have to find what's right for us. At 36 you still have time to find your niche and it doesn't necessarily take a degree to do it.
I started crying too. These kinds of videos don't usually do that but here I am
I also cried, and screamed YES at many points in the presentation. I envy you getting a diagnosis. Where I live now, finding an appropriate medical professional who both understands ASD and speaks my language is impossible.
I'm a female with autism. Even though I have often attempted to imitate the neurotypicals around me, I've never succeeded in pulling it off and fitting in.
I can read body language and I know when I’m not wanted. The best part is when I watch a smile disappear into a frown when I start talking. I know then that this person does not want to talk to me. It happens too often. I don’t like people.
@@RingTailedLoser not autism.
@Sucks at nicknames Probably some kind of social anxiety, then. Not that anyone can diagnose anyone else online ofc. And anxiety doesn't always cause outward anxiousness, which can be confusing for some people.
Same. I try but just can’t do it. 😅
I first watched this two years ago and nearly cried because it was literally describing me! I now finally have a diagnosis of aspergers and depression at 17 and I don't know what would have happened if it wasn't for Tony Attwood's findings and the amazing new research that has gone into girls with autism.
Congratulations on your diagnosis! Have you thought about connecting with other aspie women? I like these two facebook groups: Aspergers Safe Room: A safe haven for women on the autistic spectrum and
Women On The Spectrum | ASD & Aspergers | Support Group: No Drama
and recommend these two books for tips on living a good life as an aspie:
- Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate by Cynthia Kim; and
- Spectrum Women by Barb Cook & Dr Michelle Garnett.
When I got divorced at 31 dating was something I didn’t do since I was a teen. Well it was a disaster! So many social rules I didn’t know and I ended up looking crazy lol. I’m now 39 and engaged to an aspie. I get to be myself so I’m not exhausted around him. My first husband was emotionally abusive. I’m an empath and used to attract narcissists until I developed the knowledge of healthy boundaries which I didn’t possess before my mid 30s.
You know, despite being a guy, I relate to a lot of this. Reading a lot to understand people? Check. Watching how other people act and imitating them in an effort to fit in? Check. Studying psychology in order to understand people better (in theory)? Check.
joshuawhere I doubt the male/female classifications are set in stone. Just tendencies.
Right there with you. He said that girls have imaginary friends and boys go to a different world... I went to different world. I was a day dreamer.
+joshuawhere
I noticed Tony Attwood talking alot about "girls do this" and "boys do this" in the video. I guess that you go back and forth between "girls and boys are so different" and "girls and boys are almost the same" if you go from looking at kids very shallowly to very closely.
A typically male sign of an actual depression is that you feel the need to move, to walk around. I had this symptom for years and think that I as a female just had a male symptom of depression, unusual but no big deal probably. But maybe if I looked into it more thoroughly I would find out that - and I am inventing something here that I write between slashes - /// females with depression tend to extreme daydreaming and that everybody who daydreams extremely tends to walk around for hours /// . I did daydream extremely while walking around for hours pretty much daily for months or probably rather years while I was depressed during some time in my life. So if what I put between slashes (///) were true this would mean I had a very female symptom (extreme daydreaming) that lead to a genderneutral walking around for hours while daydreaming.
I hope you get what I mean, it's a bit a strange way to put it.
Marie Lastname I think I get it. I do the same exact thing when I’m depressed-I go on long walks, for hours, daydreaming all the while. I lose track of where I am, what I’m doing, anything that’s going on in my life...just walking, following my mind to “elsewhere.” That habit is one of the first red flags that tells me I probably need to go on meds again. Glad to know I’m not the only one :).
@@betzenjammer3980
You're surely doing the smart thing by reacting to your desire to walk for hours and your habit of daydreaming whilst doing it by recognising it as a red flag and reacting accordingly. "But" (and there's a reason I put these quotations marks since it's not really a "but") there is a reason why people like us walk around and daydream. Both things are coping mechanisms (I guess). And while I think that the daydreaming is (or can be) an unhealthy escape from reality, which it surely was and still is in my case, I wonder if the walking around for hours is something you could keep doing once you're better or have started to take your meds again. Because it's something that does help you when you're in a bad place and while one wouldn't think about consciously deciding to go on long walks since it is a symptom of a mental health problem, one should maybe consider consciously deciding to go on long walks since it was something that helped you when you were in a bad place. You take meds sometimes and I hope this means you have a mental health professional you can consult on that, so just an idea I have for you (not even a real piece of advice) is that you ask your therapist (or whoever else prescribes you your meds) if it would be a good idea to keep going on walks once you're not anymore totally driven to do so by your mental health issues.
And yes, you're not alone. You are with an extremely high probability not even alone with doing the 10 most freakishly strange things you do in your life. Just ask the internet!
I cried while watching because this is the first time in my life I listen to someone talking about a disorder and I feel its all about me. All my life I thought whats wrong with me and why I am different and I read A LOT about mental health problems and never find something similar I learned a lot about psychology just to understand people and myself. And the reason why I watched this video is because I have a homework (am studying in uni.) About learning disorders and I got interested in asperger disorder and when I found out its related to social problems I said to myself no I have no problems in social situations because I can now handle it to some point but when I found out it different for girls and all the mask thing oh my god I literally cried because this is what am doing. And the thing about being successful in making friends (after a lot of work) then losing them fast is so accurate as I get bored with people most of the time maybe I enjoy sitting with them just to see their opinions about certain things but when am done I 'm out. I think I wrote too much so I'll stop. But thank you for the video I am having an enlightenment moment and am going to read a ton of books and articles about asperger.
Shahad Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it and I am sure others here do as well.
This is so beautiful. I couldn't relate to you more. I've had many inaccurate diagnoses (Bipolar, BPD, social phobia, perhaps gender dysphoria (even tho I feel like that one may be true lol (MTF)) But anyway, I've never felt peace about a diagnosis...until this one. Best wishes! :)
Dear Shahad, nothing is wrong with you. In the UK doctors are starting to refuse use of word "disorder" connected to autism spectrum, as it has proven inaccurate. Being on the spectrum is more and more described as 'condition', as there's nothing disorderly with you, just your brain is wired differently. Also, people on the spectrum have so many traits and talents that 'ordinary' people don't have, so look at all the positives that you have as a person.
Every page of my diary growing up: "I just finished the best book!"
That's too cute!
Man, I wish he could have kept on going! My daughter got her Aspie diagnosis at the age of 33 (she is now 35). He explained things so well. So many things fit my daughter. We have learned a lot on our own - triggers, how to avoid or mitigate potential meltdowns, what to do when she has a meltdown, etc. Her life has improved so much BECAUSE we know she is an Aspie. Once we knew what we were dealing with, we could research, discuss and deal with most everything.
He started talking about the library and I busted out laughing. I stayed/helped out at the library most of my elementary years. So much so that I got to wear the mascot suit for the library and host the morning announcements.
Rotten The librarian was my best friend, out of the whole elementary school I was the only kid allowed to check out high school books -because I had read all the others!
Throughout middle school too. I would even go during lunch at times (we were not to leave the lunch room) and the librarians wouldn’t bother me.
I had a free run of the school library whether the librarian was there or not and no limits on the amount of books ( normally borrowed 20-40 books a time )
Anna Rehbinder Same. I never even thought about it being weird really but I think I was the only one in my school that was allowed. Cool to learn there are others.
OMG I KNOW!!!!
So interesting ! Such a pity he was rushed in the end :(
Yeah, he's a great speaker.
The relevant markers honestly are the empathy deficit, the meltdowns, the sensory overstimulation, the lack of ability to read and understand expressions (although ASD girls do like fiction, they tend to like fantasy and the /world/ and mechanics rather than the actual characters or even the relationships of these characters. I’ve legitimately never met an Aspie girl who likes soap operas, so idk wtf this bloke’s on about: that sounds more like bored housewives who are lonely), abstractions (Aspie girls tend to like, again, more “pop fiction” than actual literature, because literature is complex and requires an ability to understand abstract ideas, which ASD people struggle with, regardless of sex), and the fondness for animals (I’ve never met an autistic person who hates animals, they seem to universally adore them and like them better than people), as well as the rituals/obsession with obeying rules. I’ve yet to meet an Aspie who organically dislikes rules, tbh. The ritual thing is huge, and they tend to be extremely organized and punctual/consistent; which I have to say I envy because those are two things I’ve not ever been in life lmao.
More relevantly, they usually have one niche interest (i.e. knowing a lot about WWII planes, but couldn’t tell you the first thing about the war itself beyond common knowledge, or the aspects of WWII that had nothing to do with the military, such as the civilians’ perception of the war), whereas generally high IQ people will like a whole bunch of things and be very knowledgeable about them in a holistic manner.
This is why I believe this dude may have ASD: he does get some things correctly, but he also fails to look at the big picture or consider other variables which may present with like behaviour. Moreover, the way he stereotypes people leads me to believe he is incapable of understanding them as complex beings, which is weird because that’s what he believes he can actually do. I would not be shocked to learn he has ASD, I know nothing about him personally, though. This just showed up in my recommendations probably because I’ve been watching Chris Chan videos lmao.
@@fatuusdottore I'm aspie. I like characters. And I used to love "And Country Practice" when I was a kid (it doesn't run anymore), so there -- now you know of one. I also like pop lit and "actual literature" (although it's quite erroneous to assume that there is a difference -- Shakespeare and Dickens were both writing the pop literature of their day, but now we consider them "the classics", and Harry Potter, Discworld etc. and most modern-day speculative books / series are easily as complex as either or those.)
And the axiom "if you've met ONE Autistic person..." also holds true. You are also speaking in generic terms as if what you say applies to *every* aspie, and in doing so... while you accuse Prof. Atwood of getting things "wrong", so do you.
But in either case, this is a generic characterisation of a group of people, and so is bound to be hit and miss when it comes down to the individual level. (Even so, it has its uses.) My point is, you accuse Prof. Atwood of this, but you do the exact same thing, and you are no closer to the mark than he is.
I've seen him speak at Te Papa. He was rushed then too. I guess he must get a bit sidetracked on occasion and so have trouble keeping to time (which is not uncommon for people lecturing on subjects that are interesting to them).
@@kukalakana Yep. You're really right. Wow, thank you.
All of this is me, except the clothes. I love clothes, it's like an obsession for me. But I wear a mix of men's and women's clothing, and then to mix more feminine pieces with edgy or masculine. But a lot of this, hit home.
SAME!!!!!!! I’m looking at an ASD diagnosis now
Pretty sure it’s my special interest. But when I was young all the girls wanted to be fashion designers so I ditched it bc I have this weird pull to not do things other people do. NO IDEA WHAT IT IS. But this is so weird bc this is exactly how I dress. Like I’ve always said I never have a style it’s just mixing everything
this made me be a little less hard on myself, thank you for making me feel valid.
i was a truth teller...I thought tact was saying it in a quieter voice apologetically...
Judith Blades You said what I was feeling so perfectly here 🙌🏼
My daughter does this and for a long time it was mistaken as coyness! No one would believe me that she was a wee tyrant at home and then the model of good behaviour out in public!
She was diagnosed officially last week.
That’s my son lol
I was always told that I was "too honest" and I didn't really understand what they meant for years and years! LOL!
☺
I’ve had suspicions I have Aspergers for about a year now and this sealed the deal. It all makes sense. I briefly mentioned it to my mom a while ago and she got mad at me, took it as a personal insult for some reason, but I wonder if I show her this she’ll get it
shiusa my mom doesn’t like the idea either, even though my dad has Aspergers too. I think they don’t want to blame themselves or something.
Yikes similar here
What you need to do is get tested and diagnosed and bring that paper home to her so she can swallow her bitter pills and start focusing on solutions instead of denial. Some of my family members still won't accept that this is an issue for me - they think I'm just a melodramatic jerk. However, I feel we need more solutions and techniques, not more problems.
@@chanuppuluri8726 what if you aren't even old enough
This might be because, starting in around the 1950s, the "refrigerator mother" idea was prevalent. They thought that parents who weren't warm enough to their kids made them autistic! That made for a lot of guilt and denial.
This is such a great presentation. I don't ever want to be a mother, but I've always imagined I would be a great mother because of the all the qualities Tony showed in his last slide: strict, safe, logical, protective and intellectually stimulating. I was exactly like that with my dog. He is my child.
Great to FINALLY see Aspergirls being recognised. About time. * High Five * Tony Attwood. I concur! Adult Asp x
I studied Sailor Moon as a little girl and learned how to act certain ways.
same here
different anime, but me too
same ;-;
"Fighting evil by moonlight..." one of the best theme songs ever. I loved that show.
Same!
This video came up in my recommendations...so now I guess CZcams is trying to tell me I have Asperger's too? This algorithm is getting creepy.
I read about Asperger on girls year ago in a few articles and I'm pretty surprised as well
Haha I identify with almost of this. I have ASD. Legos, tomboy, flawless american english, pretty much a walking encyclopedia about dogs(in my aunts words) , "loner" and so on.
I remember when I was trying to ask the engineers at my moms work how they get the energy from windmills to the electric lines. They either didn't understand the question or didn't know how to answer the question. I found out on my own, later, when I was trying out one of these flashlights that don't have batteries, just a button. It was made out of clear plastic and I was able to see it happen.
I will look into, 'a camera' every couple minutes when im talking to someone. Lol i cant maintain eye contact and i look around and away they think im distracted or not listening but i cant keep eye contact doesn't mean im not listening but people cant help but feel disrespected.
You're on the office
As a female Aspie, I agree with most of this. It's difficult to get the help you need when you know how to act like your stuff's pulled together around a therapist, because you've been reading university-level philosophy and everything else since you were eight... and it doesn't feel fake in the least (because you're in your element!), but once you walk out of the office, you can't give a stranger directions to the corner mart... you just blink, gulp, blush, then scurry away. The last part about clothing gave me a pleasant memory from my childhood. The only feminine thing my mother could get me to wear was my Wonder Woman panty and 'bra' set when I was 3-4 years old. In fact, she had to run out and buy multiple copies of it, because I refused to take it off.
This describes me. I began to suspect as I got to know my ASD grandson We get along famously and I can understand him in ways I have never been able to understand other people .
Margaret Assimenos Me and my boyfriend. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 6, whereas he’s undiagnosed. We relate to each other in so many ways and with my own knowledge of autism, I have seriously questioned whether he has autism. He doesn’t understand certain social things, learned a lot of stuff from psychology articles rather than intuition, thinks everyone doesn’t know what they’re doing socially, is a very fussy eater, finds difficulty making friendships, is sensitive to sound and gets socially exhausted easily. Just a few things I’ve noticed from the top of my head.
I swear on my life that he also has autism, though he says he doesn’t want a diagnosis because doesn’t want an excuse for doing bad things. His brother has a habit of using his bipolar to get away with theft and treating people poorly, so I see where he comes from. I just see him so mentally exhausted sometimes that I wish he’d get a diagnosis, though...
Margaret Assimenos v
Oh my God, when he said machines or animals but not people, it really hit me 😶
Me too I'm animals and my brother was trains!........
Yeah. My studies or professions: Mechanical Engineering, Recording Arts (music technology,) Neuroscience, Molecular Biology, Mouse Colony Manager (and geneticist.) Animals, machines, and lots and lots of data. Check, check, and check.
I am floored! I thought I had Asperger's but I fit in too well with society without ever feeling like I fit anywhere. This perfectly described me now, my teenage years, and my childhood.
I’ve unknowingly dug myself into that fake personality hole, and now I’m not sure how to approach my parents and have them take me seriously. This has really been starting to affect my daily life
Mabye show them this educational video? and talk with them. wish you all the best!
well maybe its more important to just get the help to dig yourself out and embrace youself and feel more satisfaction in your life. They will see you living more fully abd happily and that will be enough. then they may ask questions which will open the door to enlighten them.
I feel you.. it is one of the hardest things I had to do. To start being true to myself.
All my friends and family think I have changed dramatically. But the truth is I just stopped pretending to be what i thought they wanted me to be.
I am me now.. and it feels liberating.
Thanks for posting that. I have the same problem with my family. They also dont believe asd is a real thing which makes communication near impossible.
I'm sad because in the past I've blamed them for not accepting me or because I wanted more support but Ive come to realise they are most likely undiagnosed themselves and not likely to be. I think I drove them crazy while I was figuring out the mask from the person. I still have trouble not slipping back under for convenience.
Patience and forgiveness. For yourself and them. It takes time to settle and there may be anger and tears. Good luck!
Being truthful with yourself, understanding yourself and accepting yourself is a good place to start. You may perhaps just share something about the topic with your parents. As someone posted here somewhere (reading the comments is informative) this "condition" is a gift. As a parent, I appreciate each of my four children and each is so uniquely gifted and not one of them fit in a box. And that is okay, though It has been an emotional challenge for me to cope with the out-of-the-boxness. I recognize some of these characteristics running in our family and have better understanding. I wish I knew some stuff before embarking in life.
I have had the fortunate experience of being able to attend one of Dr Attwood's talks and I highly recommend to anyone who gets the chance. He is amazing!
I think I will try to look him up! Based on this presentation, he sounds really in-tune and I enjoyed his style!! So many other presenters on this topic leave me feeling depressed tbh.
So informative and I love he dealt with running out without seeming distressed or anxious. He took it so lightly and confidently.
You're the first person talking about this subject who I've related to in what you have conversed. Thank you.
3:50 "I'll make sure I wear pink" OMG lol that's exactly me at age 9.
seriously I ONLY wore pink for like three years and that's like one of the least cringy part of my life
I totally know how you feel. Similar for me. 😳😆
@hunnybuttah sprite can omg yes!!!😂
Sameeee ... I wore pink everything (just in different shades, head to toe)
@- - I hate pink about as much as I hate getting teeth pulled and always have!
@- - Watch the video. Some girls/women have no use for fashion. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have worn makeup. The color pink has always reminded me of Pepto-Bismol. It is not a practical color, showing stains and dirt readily.
I wish he could have enough time, this was really interesting.
My friend wants me to be asberger, but I think a highly sensitive person can be misjudged as this, because we respond in many ways the same.
I like to be alone, because I need time to rest after lots of noise being around people.
I gravitate to animals because they are true, they won't lie to me, so I myself can be relaxed around them. They won't put words in my mouth or misunderstand my intentions.
I resonate with this comment. I think a lot of empaths are misdiagnosed with aspergers. You might be an empath.
I know I don't have aspergers but I do in fact have ADHD and I am an empath.
I look at people's faces and communicate with them well however, people do tire me out. I would rather associate with people who are brilliant and interesting business-minded people successful positive people in general because I've been surrounded by negativity and scarcity my whole life.
I sometimes get physically sick right before a fight breaks out or something bad period happens. My ex-friend was fighting with her father and I immediately got a horrible headache.
I love solitude because I can reflect on my thoughts and what to prepare in the future for myself. And being alone around animals yes, and being in nature alone. These give off positive energy.
I strongly believe some of us are highly receptive to energy that we absorb whether it's good or bad.
Bri A
What if you're both an empath and Aspie?
@@booboobunny5655 Aspies are known to have low emotional intelligence and high analytical / rational skills. So there is no overlap in the venn diagram of the two. + there are definitely more characteristics to aspergers than social anxiety or introversion.
Valhalla
Yeah, like poor social skills. But it's a stereotype that Aspies aren't emotional, in fact we're more emotional than neurotypicals. I'm a very emotional person, but also a very logical person. Logic doesn't work on social situations, which is why we have poor social skills. But it doesn't mean we're not emotional...
@@booboobunny5655 My daughter is very emotional but I suppose just doesn't express it in a typical way. She is excellent in emergency situations though!
I am the chameleon. I can put on such a good face for others. I always tell my husband that my main role in life is to be an actor. To fool ppl that I'm not different
The trouble with that is that it's tiring & at some point your brain or body will break from the effort. Please check out energy accounting: czcams.com/video/aqkc8a9RynA/video.html and learn about autistic burnout czcams.com/video/DZwfujkNBGk/video.html
I'm on a medication No ONE wants to examine as a means to help with AUTISM and NARCISSISM. I have developed Narcissistic traits from abusers who I believe actually have Autism. When Someone who has Autism has a melt down, they can take it out on some one, Autism runs in my mothers side of the family. I didn't have my medication for a while and I couldn't control some melt downs. I was rocking back and forth, crying, and couldn't be around my kids. My ex husband tried to force me to be someone else. I believe he has autism, and my mother as well. My youngest son is extremely intelligent, smarter than his older brother... I wish more studies could be done on this medication. I'm able to function as a "normal" person. I can see social cues, act properly, and I don't speak about inappropriate topics. I enjoy your lecture, Thank you!
I could have listened to a lot more on this. I had a lovely Asperger's friend, but she went from adoring me to suddenly hating me over a misunderstanding/annoyance that we could have worked out. This video helps me feel better as I get that it wasn't personal - that her ability to regulate emotion was absent. She couldn't accept that I would never purposely hurt her and I now realise that if she didn't understand something she was 'making it up' according to the dominant culture.
Candice L shit I did that when I was a kid.... she probably regrets it now, I know I did. But my friend wasn’t as understanding as you and we were never as close as before :/
I'm sorry for this negative experience. :-( It could also be possible that she has a "short fuse" so to speak, when dealing with social frustrations.. many Aspies are major targets of abuse and bullying (as mentioned in the video) and perhaps that is how she perceived your behavior and was trying to protect herself. If you really miss the friendship, perhaps you could try to reopen lines of communication via email or text? It may help if it ISN'T in-person. And taking a calm, logical, slow approach may help. Regardless of what happens, you too deserve healthy and fulfilling relationships, and if this relationship is no longer providing that for either of you, then perhaps graciously bowing-out is the only healthy option. I wish you the best.
Thank you for figuring that out! And posting it! I've lost many relationships over the meltdowns, and have to train myself over years to understand nuance and social criteria vs. asking & believing :) Now I can go to ppl and ask things before I lose it...but so hard-won.
@@sianifairy9070, thank you so much for your response. I have cried a lot over the loss of the friendship and the terrible things she seemed to have made up about me. It is weird to go from being adored to hated. I also notice that she (and maybe you too?) was not being treated well by other people and may have taken it out on me. It can be hard to work out who to trust when the subtle signals are not easy to read. I really hope things go well for you!
@@caviartastetunabudget9037 - thank you! I tried really hard but she got very mean and cold, like a completely different person. It was as if she had gone from loving me for 15 years to hating me over night. I know that she has gone through a lot in her life and been treated badly by some of her boyfriends, so I thought this might be her anger at other things being directed at me? In the end, some of the stuff she wrote to me in an email were so bizarre and unkind that I realised it was best for my own mental health to let go. I have ADHD (inattentive, dreamy and talkative) and have my own issues, ha ha!
I am 34, I was informally diagnosed with Aspegers by my counseling internship supervisor in grad school. I shared the information with my mother and she turned right around (after conferring with google) and said "me too!". I think that the only reason I was able to learn how to cope so well was because I had a mother who understood me and helped me learn to deal with people long before anyone gave me a label. I also think I never suffered the same degree of feeling like an outsider since she and I had some much in common and got along so well. We are still very close today.
Your mom is the best 💕
Thank you for this. This explained so much of my childhood behavior that I haven't otherwise seen mentioned anywhere in asperger literature and it's making me bawl like a baby right now that younger aspie girls won't have to contend with literature based exclusively on male cases, as I pretty much had to when I was diagnosed in 2003.
Thank you, this helped me understand myself so much better!
I found out about Aspergers syndrome 4 years ago, and it just made my life make so much more sense.
I remember being fascinated by teenage slang, and I studied it in high school like it was a foreign language.
Urban dictionary helped me during that time.
I enjoy watching education about autism spectrum. With this I have noticed- I was abused as a child and my whole life, I was in immense pain. I began therapy for this, starting with Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. After learning what emotion are and how they work, I started trauma therapy. I learned why I did what I did and how to change the way I think. I learned self respect, kindness to myself, understanding others motives and why they do what they do.
So in conclusion, if you have a kid with emotional issues related to autism spectrum or have yourself, take them or yourself into trauma therapy because the exhaustion, isolation, shame, anxiety are things one can treat and manage. I’m so happy now, I still cry about my new reality. Btw, after 4 yrs I continue with my therapy. It’s a long road but the best one. Xxxx
Thank you. I've been beating myself up about why I'm still in therapy after so long when my peers are holding multiple jobs, starting their own businesses, having families, etc. It feels shameful but it's nice to hear a journey to success story.
@@chanuppuluri8726 hang in there! Trauma is no joke. It's a success to be taking care of yourself and still be compassionate.
Interessting. I was probably pretty stereotypical aspi when I was a child. Extensive engagement in special interests, not socializing, not understanding and/or acting upon social conventions, not being able to maintain eye contact, hating loud noises - you name it, I did it all. It all changed when I was between 16 and 20. I basicly started observing and imitating people as he describes it. At that age I also used to get drunk to get rid of anxiety for a while, then I did stuff I planned before in social settings and afterwards I analyzed how it worked out and if it worked out well I started doing it sober. I did this systematically like some kind of social experiment.
Within just two or three years I changed from an outsider that had exactly zero friends during most his teenage years, got bullied at school etc, to someone who was quite popular. I learned to use all my strageness and knowledge about weird stuff so people would find me interesting, cool, even saw me as a role model sometimes. And suddenly I had many friend, even more people around me that wanted to be my friends. I found strategies to come across as very outgoing and open. I became the one who threw the biggest parties.
I can relate to most of what he says how aspi girls cope with it. I´ve been doing exactly that for the last 13-15 years now. Basically this is the way I get through life. But I´m a guy, not a girl. And I never was diagnosed with asperger´s syndrome and I´m really not sure if I have it. But I realize how I can relate to a lot of what he says.
All in all I think I´m doing pretty well now considering what a weird child and troubled teen I was. But I´ve had reoccuring problems with anxiety and panic attacs since I started socializing more. I think it´s just a lot of stress I can´t always handle and, especially in my late teens and early twenties, I often didn´t give myself that alone-time I probably needed .
A few times that anxiety made me burn out and led to depressive episodes, though that happens less and less the older I get and the more safety and stability in life I gain.
I feel very much the same. I don't think it matters if you are male or female, Tony Attwood is discussing how it generally manifests in women but there is the caveat - if you've met one person with Asperger's, you've met one person with Asperger's. I generally pursued solitary interests such as climbing mountains, often on my own but sometimes with a few friends who I felt comfortable with. Anxiety has been a lifelong issue for me, also leading to episodes of depression but mostly it causes me to feel overwhelmed and freeze.
Like you I got bullied a bit at school when I got put in with an older age group because class sizes were a problem (I did get my revenge, very bluntly, at high school). I majored in physics (minored with an A+ in playing pool with the guys) and then found myself ostracised at work by the girlie in-crowd. While that was really hurtful at first I rationalized that it actually suited me because I had no interest in bitching about others or discussing designer shoes and handbags; no, I wanted a motorbike, so I focused on getting my licence and now have two bikes. When the hurt was fresh I decided to form The Gang of One, and tentatively invited my fellow misfits to go for a walk in the park and pick up lunch progressing to going out after work for dinner or just going to the pub. This worked better than I could have imagined, to the point the 'clique' were so outnumbered they asked if they could join in with our social activities. Our company used to pay for a team building day once a year and I once organized a boat trip, which I planned to perfection, with every penny accounted for, and it went down in history as one of the best days out we had as a group. But throw a party? Man that is bold, no danger, people will make a mess and break things!
I haven't been diagnosed but I'm pretty certain I'm there. I've known since I was very young that I was different from my friends but it's only recently I've finally figured out why. I can be very emotional but logic overrides emotions every time. I need a LOT of alone time to regroup. Disorder really troubles me. Like you, the more stability I have in life the better I am able to cope with the curve balls. I even finally met the man I will marry (never even been engaged before) and know I will spend the rest of my life with.
You just basically described my whole life thus far hahaha wow
Sounds very similar to my journey; because I had to learn how to interact socially in different ways from my peers, it took longer. However, because I practiced more, I eventually got better at it than many of my peers; I have much higher EQ than a lot of more "typical " friends of mine. The only difference is it can be exhausting (sometimes to the point of burnout and anxiety/depression) in a way that others don't necessarily experience because it is intellectual work rather than instinctive understanding. And yes, I still have moments when I realize just how different my cognitive processes really are; tried to explain coins to my 6 yr old, and found myself relating the value of dimes to legs in decapods (Tomatoa in Moana), or years in a decade, and had to stop myself before I related it to the Roman practice of decimation... yeah... not exactly kindergarten appropriate material (unless you were me as a child)...
Like Irene said, it doesn't matter if you're a bloke. Some blokes fit the "female" profile more than they do the "male who is obsessed with trains or Pokemon" profile. I'd encourage you to read I am Aspien Woman by Tania Marshall, despite you being a man. See if you can relate to the traits and experiences mentioned there. Since I've been reading up on this stuff, I've realised a media personality in my city is highly likely to have ASD. He's a gay guy but not camp and really fits the female profile (although he is masculine). He's more artistic etc than into objects & technical info but likes routine, has sensory issues with food, lives alone etc etc. If you are autistic it doesn't mean you're less manly or are gay or anything it just means the way your autism is expressed is different from the average autistic bloke but it's still autism. I'd recommend getting assessed by someone like Tony who is familiar with the female presentation just so you're not dismissed or misdiagnosed by someone who only notices a narrow range of behaviours. Diagnosis can help things fall into place and that can help you avoid a deepening depression, developing addictions etc. Good luck!
I feel like he was describing me/my childhood that entire time. Finally, someone who gets it and can put it into words!
This is riveting: penetrating insights, and with such a clear, fearless presentation. Thank you.
Diagnosed a year ago, and this makes so much sense. Crying.
He's explaining my life. Thanks so much Dr. Tony!!!
I'm crying because this has given me a lot of clarity and closure
Wonderful presentation, Prof. Attwood. Thank you so much.
This describes me really well, as a kid I never understood other girls and tried to imitate them in order to fit in. I ditched my vulnerable, creative personality and built a fake one. I don't know how to get rid of this new fake personality, I want to go back to the way I was before. I don't want to be like everyone else anymore. Has anyone else gone through the same thing, or have advice?
I have similar experience I was a creative kids I love drawing and doing other artsy stuff but my parents don't like it (they literally throw my first sketchbook in the trash bin), and my friends thought I was weird and awkward so no one wants to got close to me (even my 'bestfriend' ditched me and the only kid that was close with me was bullied), it's not helping I was very open about my own emotions (literally I was a crybaby that's why alot of kids loved to tease me to purposely make me cry), and I was too honest. So I tried to 'change' and create 'new me'. After few years I can't keep up with that 'new me' and I kinda giving up but at the same time I can't go back to my old self. Now I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo.
P.s. I'm sorry for the long paragraph, I don't even give you any advice and ended up share my own experience. Btw sorry for bad English
@@rchrch4922 No don't apologise, it's fine. If anything It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm sorry to hear that your parents and friends did that. I was a very sensitive and awkward kid too too, so I can relate to the bullying. Have you tried getting back into art or reconnecting with the things that inspired you as a kid? I can't guarantee that it works but that's what I'm trying to do.
Been in a similar situation. However, because of trying to fit in it caused a lot of anxiety which later manifested as panic attacks. I somehow successfully got rid of that fake persona after I got fed from being mentally drained.
To be honest I'm still struggling with it. I don't suggest you let it get as bad as I did. After so long of trying to imitate and appease, I found out that one of my friends is actually a sociopath and had been lying to me for years. I found out last year and it shook my world. I feel very angry with myself for appeasing/agreeing/keeping peace/saving face when I could've maybe helped all the people he was hurting behind my back?... I feel like an accomplice to several crimes, not noticing sooner. I feel like I let my fellow humans down. I feel like a failure. I'm left feeling like normal people won't be my friend, but sociopaths will because they know they can use me. I question every friendship I have and had now. I don't trust anyone. I put up with people for long enough to go to work or finish an errand and then I come home exhausted by the act of normal I put on all day. Furthermore, my close friend who is also somewhere on the spectrum tells me to just become nobody like some Tibetan Monk (my guess is this is his coping mechanism.) I don't fully know how to do either. I will, however answer your question in this next comment.
My suggestion is to find some ASD groups for your age group in your nearby area and attend those meetings. They may not be often and those people may not become your best friends, but it helps to remember that you're not worthless or completely alone for being this way. My other suggestion is to follow your passion. It may not become your job but see if you can find groups in the area full of people who share similar interests. I tried Meetup.com and while the people I met aren't my best-est friends, at least I'm getting out there more. Like I said, I'm still working on it...
I enjoyed it so very much. He seemed to be full of curiosity and passion. Loved it, even the
abrupt end :)
listening to this makes me feel like i’m wrapped in a tender loving UNDERSTANDING embrace 😭😘☺️🥰 soothed🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I'm currently going through the adult diagnosis process and so much of this resonated with me. Hating feminine things or only using them to learn/fit in, using dolls to practice/escape life (and now, in adult life, I use virtual life video games in this way as well), a certain persona at school and a different one at home (I threw so many tantrums at home but was an absolute angel in school), special interest intensity, the anxiety, apologising and appeasing, imaginary friends, catastrophising emotions, etc. This video has been an eye-opener.
What an amazing man and speaker. I was totally engaged throughout and would have loved to have heard him talk through his last few slides. This needs to be shared as I am sure it will help many many people out there.
Wow. Well I’m a neonatologist. A really good one but can’t understand or maintain social relationships at all! And the best is that babies don’t talk to you. I do have the prerecorded emotional message for the parents... I may have this.
dianateabag I’ve heard that about Neonatologists. SO’s sister is one and doesn’t like children once they can talk...
Evey time I watch something about this subject I learn something new and relate so much. Thank you for spreading awareness!
You can tell Dr. Attwood works with Children: unlike many academics he is very engaging and fun to listen to. I think his biggest contribution is being able to help those without Aspergers/ASD understand a bit more what it is like. I've talked to many parents who said his content has helped them understand and connect with their children more.
I recently got diagnosed with ASD and honestly, it all fits into place. All things. This is also very helpful to watch.
I wish I could have listened to the entire presentation Tony Attwood prepared. I love his humor and down-to-earth presentation. Thank you.
I’m so thankful for this guy.
He really puts it in to words and gives clear examples of what it’s really like for a girl with Aspergers. Thank-you so much, I finally feel understood ☺️
This video is fantastic. I could hug this information.
Wait, you mean everybody doesn't analyze the body language of others then respond accordingly based upon the studied social conventions of the place they're in? I never understood why I couldn't keep friends, I assumed I was mistaken in thinking I was nice and must actually be being perceived as an asshole. Is this an actual possibility or am I just looking for an excuse and am just unlikable, at least I think. Don't really know what people think, I just guess based on behavior, but the movements of their bodies don't match their words a lot, and then I don't know what to do. I always feel like I'm missing something. Is this ASD1? I thought this is just what it meant to be human, working around the disconnects to the best of one's abilities.
Yeah. Body language is a whole different ball game. When it doesn't match their words it can mean they are trying to cover up discomfort or other emotions. "Is this roller coaster too scary for you?" "No. No, it's fine," as they clutch the safety bar in terror. Or they are angry or frustrated but trying not to be. Or a million other scenarios. The body is often more honest than the words. I learned social rules through books, but now I think I have a bit more intuition as I've gotten older. I totally go over the situations in my head to do better next time. I can get a bit obsessive about it. I figured ladies stopped being my friend because I was too intense or a know it all (I love learning) or they saw I was a fraud and not as smart as I seemed.
Francesca Taphophilia you might want to talk to someone you trust and ask that kind of questions. If you’re unsure of the questions to ask maybe read up a little at first.
Neurotypical people have some trouble with straight honesty because they have taught themselves to speak carefully about subjects that might hurt feelings.
This is pretty complex if you’re not neurotypical.
(My wife has autism, I’m more in the ADD camp but I’ve learned a little from her.)
No surprise if you're ND, and yes, your description of being human is awesome. That how it should be for all of us, and no matter what your situation, you sound like a very humane human.
People give off so many signals and yes they are hard to interpret and especially to know which ones to ignore and which to believe or pretend you believe . And all of that is a Very complex game. And NO most people dont analyse like We on the spectrum do . My thinking is not that We dont see peoples signals but We see all of them simultanously which makes it hard to decide what to believe ,do and act upon . My husband who is also on the spectrum description is analysis paralysis about that
@@casdraws It sucks when you say, "No, you are not okay. I can tell because there are these subtle differences in the way that you speak." And they keep denying it, yet you know something is up. Just be honest people. Probably why I don't have friends.
I self-diagnosed my Asperger's in my 50s and it was a real revelation for me. (I have an advanced degree in public health with a focus on medical research and epidemiology, and, yep....took a ton of psyc classes.) I'm still amazed though at the things Attwood said here: hung out at the library (special permission note to use the adult's section), the zoo was my favorite place, liked wearing boy's clothes, bugs, pets, climbing trees, playing outside, and playing with "boy" toys (hell, my microscope was FUN!) and had a lot of difficulty socializing with females. And those balloons...I still hate them!
I usually hate labels but this was somehow okay... realizing that I AM different and there was a reason for it was rather freeing. I've been able to drop a lot of the things that sapped me and don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation or apology for it. So I moved to a rural area that's rich in natural beauty with few people and plenty of places to interact with nature and take long walks with the dog.
The only person I am comfortable for long periods with now (after a string of relationships of various lengths) is my adult son, who is also aspy. He respects my space and I help him cope with his melt-downs.
I'm glad you have some peace and do what works instead of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (which is what I've spent my life doing as a "chameleon"). I encourage you to join female-only aspie Facebook groups so you can connect with others like you. We have quite a few women who are over 50. The 2 groups I like are Aspergers Safe Room: A safe haven for women on the autistic spectrum and Women On The Spectrum | ASD & Aspergers | Support Group: No Drama
I've been obsessing over body language and psychology for a few years now. I know a LOT about it. I really didn't think I was ASD but this talk describes my childhood nearly to a T. Everything except that I have always read other people's emotions very well. I'm very sensitive to it. I'm afraid to think it might be true because my wife and son have ASD and I feel like I'm going to be accused of jumping on a bandwagon or being an internet hypochondriac. But my wife has commented more than once about my behavior: "that sounds like ASD." There are little everyday thing that add up. Like random sensory issues. Days where I can't stand being touched. A Middle School teacher that talked so loud he made me dizzy. I'm not sure if I have routines or not. My wife always talks about how the world feels like chaos and that's why routines are necessary. I haven't really experienced that. I don't think. But what he said here was way too accurate a description of me. I guess I'll have to explore this further and find out.
I feel relieved. I want to cry while watch this video. Now I understand what my lecturers' trying to say about me.
I'm studying psychology at uni. I also am an aspie girl. This makes so much more sense.