Audience Q&A: Being Childfree, Setting Financial Boundaries, And Being A Grown-Up
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- čas přidán 15. 10. 2023
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Chelsea is solo for this audience Q&A episode of The Financial Confessions, answering all of your most pressing questions about money and life!
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It really is important to embrace the moments. I sacrificed my youth, nights, weekends, holidays, relationships, financial stability for a mediocre career.
Figured I'd retire close to my dad who was everything. He worked his buns off and built a beautiful retirement only to not last soon after.
Now, I'm having to reskill at middle age, try to make friends, and have no dad. You all, make it count.
I could listen to you talk about being childfree by choice alllllllll day
Agreed!!! I would also love to know why do women get grilled so much over this topic....it's not the 50s anymore
Absolutely! Loved that rant too
Me too and I have two kids. Being a mom makes me even more supportive of this life path.
I agree lol
YES
Don't quit a job without something else lined up. I did it a few times in my 20's with no major impacts (just a few months of living very frugally). When I was a bit older, I was desperate to get out of a job, and my husband supported me in leaving it. The attitude was "I am very employable, there are a lot of good opportunities out there, I should get a new job within a few weeks or months." One month after I quit my job, cities around the world began going into lockdown due to the new coronavirus pandemic. It took me 18 months to find another job. It's a risk I will never take again.
The thing that gets me about child free comments is that people say things like it’s the most amazing fulfilling natural thing as a woman to be a mother and the most fulfilling rewarding thing you’ll ever do.,.,…
Like everything else I ever do won’t compare to motherhood… which I think is such a flawed mindset
It's difficult to explain. When a mom says that they don't mean nothing YOU do compares. It just means in their own life when they look back nothing compares to it. As a mom I have to agree: nothing comes close even though I have many other great things in my life. I would never apply that to another person though.
As a woman who is characterized as being warm, nurturing, and caring, people (including family) are genuinely shocked when I bring up a child free future for myself. It’s hard when everyone is constantly like “you’d be such a good mother.” I know, but I can be so good at so many other things too!
"The only person I discuss kids with is the one I'll have sex with".
My friend uses this response and it's great.
If they keep asking- you can add- I'm not interested in you in that way.
Thank you for those words of wisdom about your 20s. I'm 27 and currently reeling from a series of financial fuckups I committed while moving into my first apartment. I've been feeling like a bit of a failure. Hopefully I'll have things sorted by my 30s and then i can look back on this time fondly as a valuable life lesson.
Stranger here! you are doing amazing!!! I'm 28 and despite checking the boomer boxes. I feel like a fuck up sometimes.
Good luck fellow internet friend !
You have learned really valuable lessons at an age when you can still correct them. And the scale of the fuckups to come that you will now avoid are SO MUCH LARGER. I, for one, congratulate you for fucking up now AND recognizing them as such. 🎉❤
You will be OK on the other side of this! Be kind to yourself.
57 year old chldfree retired nomad here. I agree with your response. I absolutely detest people who think they're privileged to tell you want you can or can't do with your uterus.
A lot of people are offended by us making a choice to not have children because they didn't actually make a choice. They got pregnant (married or not) and just threw up their hands and said "ok, I guess this is what I'm doing now." The idea that someone actually got to make a choice, when they felt like they didn't (which of course they did, they just didn't think that they did, or were afraid to) constantly reminds them of their lack of control over their own choices. They need their life to be reinforced by the way you live yours and they put their emotions about their choices on you.
I think the same goes for people who confidently pursue fertility treatments. It's a decision that is relentlessly judged and I really do think it's because a lot of people never had to sit with their thoughts and make conscious choices for every little step of the process.
I haven't personally adopted but I wouldn't be surprised if that is similarly judged for the same reason.
There is something so incredibly unnatural about a woman that doesn’t want children, I wouldn’t trust women like you around my kids
Love the child free rant! Luckily my parents barely pressured me, they simply asked here n there, but never guilted me about my choice. As far as holiday gifting, I no longer do this, I stopped years ago, but my family was never into this much to begin with, so it was easy. If I do anything , I bake for my closest people.
How would you get a gift-giving family on board with handmade treats made with love?
I made a cranberry sauce from scratch that was a hit for Thanksgiving; I made a couple jars for each of my family members for Christmas (including a sugar free version), and nobody seemed to appreciate the hard work it took, since they stuck with clothes, shoes, etc.
@@DemureSpectabilis If this is your plan, I would simply communicate it with confidence and strong boundaries. You do not have to be pressured just because they are family. If they do not like it, that is for them to work out, not you to convince them. Their responsibility is to respect your choice. I would also explain that you enjoy this and it is just as valuable as a traditional store bought gift.
Great rant about guilting people into parenthood. I'm a big fan of disregarding those who give unsolicited advice, grayrockingbis a great term!
👏👏 YES to your rant about people's opinions of childfree life. It took me years to get comfortable having an idgaf attitude toward those people. But once I did, it was the most freeing feeling.
Exactly ! If you care what ppl think you are not free !
Hell yes, Chelsea. Child free here, and loving it. So sick of being judged by people who are supposed to love me no matter what. The grey rock technique has gotten me through some real BS. It's not easy, but I don't accept things that have no business reaching my ears.
My wife and I have 3 kids. I have zero issue with anyone who decides not to have children.
same! it always baffles me when other parents are bothered by child-free people. It has nothing to do with me.
@18:00 Say what you will about Suzie Orman but I always thought this quote from her was gold: "WHEN I FEEL LESS THAN I AM, I SPEND MORE THAN I HAVE."
my relative, who lives in a foreign country, doesn't speak the language, is married to a significantly older man she met at age 23, and hasn't worked full time since 2019 (aka is not financially secure) asked my opinion about her pregnancy. Literally she asked "are you worried?" I responded yes, she asked why, I explained why, and it was a terrible idea- she was upset and stressed out and I felt very uncomfortable. So even when someone asks your opinion, sometimes it's better to just "idk, it's your life, I'm sure you'll do what's right!"
But Why's she worried. Is her husband not able to take care of her and her baby? If she's been getting by since 2019, why's she concerned now?
Just bc it was uncomfortable doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have been honest
People will just ask and ask and ask "When are you going to have children?" 🤨 And now that I have a baby they're like "When are you having the second one?" and they act all shocked when my husband and I tell them "You know what? One is enough for us, our family is complete" 😂
The sweater is beautiful on you:)! Great colour, and the fit with trousers... you rockin' it, girl. No comments on content, because I am just watching it;].
I have one child by choice. I feel like I am able to be a mom and have a life as well. I love my daughter very much and couldnt be happier that she is in ny life BUT will never question anyone if they decide to be childless! You do you!
I feel the same with two kids, especially now they are older, like I can still have a life. Each person knows what their ideal number of kids is and if this number is 0 that is totally fine too!
I totally relate to the pressure of having kids that you talk about. I am not anti kids but I am clear not now for short term. And the amount of “advise” I get from family around the right time for kids is suffocating
You do an amazing job at articulating good advice. Great Q&A video!
I say that parents who keep hounding their adult children to have kids so they can have grandkids should cut out the middleman and be foster parents.
Re leaving a job before having another one lined up, I'll advise to do it IF and ONLY IF you have atleast 3 months of Emergency Fund saved up. As long as you know your essentials will be taken care of for 3 months whilst you seek an alternative, go for it. I did it and it worked out for me. All the best!
I agree with you about being pressured into parenthood 💯💯💯💯
One random thing I love is how you never specify what your husbands name is to keep y’all’s privacy 🥰 my head canon name for him is Michael cuz idk what French men are usually named
Thank you for what said about shopping your way out of insecurity because that’s me right now. I’m aware of it subconsciously but I needed to hear it out loud from another person.
Great Video.. Personally when it comes to finance, I believe making smart and vital plans is the headway to asset and wealth acquisition. I’ve worked with a portfolio manager and fixed income planner over the years.
This is very true! A lot of people downplay the role of a financial planner until burnt by their mistakes. After my last job layoff, I had to stay afloat, hence researched for licensed fiduciary advisors. Thankfully, I came across someone of practical knowledge and experience. My reserve fund of $225k has yielded nearly $1.3 million after subsequent investments so far.
I’ve shuffled through a few financial experts in the past but settled with Mr. CHRIS RYAN STEWART.
His strategy is recession proof, more specifically profit-oriented and most likely you’ll find his basic information on the net. He’s a very well known advisor.
I’ve heard quite a great deal about this portfolio manager. Chris Ryan Stewart is making quite the wave in the current financial space.
I’m very well inclined. I have turned over more than $250k investing with him on a wide array of options and finally sticking to a few that have been favorable in the past 2 years.
Everything you said. Just prefect. Thanks Chelsea
I'm so glad I picked this video back up after Christmas. So much pressure from extended family about my husband and I having kids when we do not plan to. I needed to hear this!
It always baffles me how comfortable people are, as I like to put it, being in people’s bra’s and panties. Like if you have no saying over my finances and my day to day life you don’t need to know if or when im having kids and I say that as someone who has kids. When I was first married that was the big question. It’s not your business it was so frustrating.
So here for the cf content. Thank you so much!
This was an amazing video. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you Chelsea, I love love love your Q&As
Great video! It's nice to have my sometimes unpopular views validated. Love the chartreuse sweater!!
I'm so excited to hear you're narrating your own audiobook. I was a bit disappointed to hear in an earlier video that someone else was going to. I adore hearing people read their own books and think that you really get to enjoy the story as the author intended.
I am super excited to support your Audiobook. This Adhder appreciates the option.
Love your content. Always a joy to watch
You are coming to Toronto! Yay!
This is an incredible video and filled with on point advice. Also cannot wait for your book to come out. I’m neurodivergent and personally read extremely slowly, and I’ve always loved being read to! I really wanted to read a perfect vintage but knew it would be a steep challenge due to my hyper slow reading speed. This is such welcome news I buy it immediately.
16:50 The process to get permanent residency-or any legal residency status, really-in the U.S. is wild. I've been in Spain for several years. While the initial application for temporary residency can be a beast, permanent residency is so cheap (15 euros!) and straight-forwarded that it's almost as if they've resigned themselves to your presence in their country. Lol.
Yah for the upcoming audiobook!! I’ve been waiting for updates! So excited you narrated it!!
Child free woman here….thank you for putting a positive message out there for us child free women!!! Some days it feels like I’m the only one…all the women around me have baby making fever right now lol meanwhile I’m finishing my PhD before I turn 37 🙌
If you’re in Toronto when I’m there for work I might sneak over to that event. ;)
Come to Denver or Boulder!!!
I love this
I just took a trip to NYC and was really hoping I would run into Chelsea/TFC team while there lol! Guy asking the ques if it would be okay to come up and say hi / ask for a photo would be me too haha
Would it be possible to have the timestamps of each question?
I was hoping you would get back the , 7 things we don't need to buy , or 10 things to buy type old videos , those are the most popular ones , and those were really cool and they worked , so please get one day a week for those videos
The delete me TFD link is not working. Love these episodes and genuine sponsors
I love that you don't have children yet do not poop on moms! I have 3 year old twins nobody gotta tell me that kids are a tough sell. I think they're pretttttty rad though
She didn’t & she’s not speaking to moms
totally! She so nice and respectful to everyone! :) @@Redandwhiteroses283
Would love to have a bilingual show in Montreal!
Love your outfit❤🎉
Chelsea, are you planning to write another book!?
Any chance you guys will come to Vancouver? :D
Oh man the difference between her answer to the last question and my answer is at the root of why my lifestyle is so different (no judgment)
us: hearing chelsea say slay
us: instant perfect day
Mom of 4 girls here. It’s wild hope early culture talks about having kids. I let them know there’s lots to do in life and they have a choice in many things
Omg I also give myself treats when I get something done sometimes.😂
Long shot but would you drop the accountant recommendation? I also have an international marriage with 3 countries/taxes to take into account.
I’m based in NYC too 😅😅 heelp.
You are so pulling off that color ❤
18:40 I do that too 😂
International lives and marriages are basically like actively seeking the worst case scenario of life admin you can have 😂 I am a national of two countries, my husband is a national of a third different country and we have both spent 15 years working, sometimes together, sometimes not, for international organisations in a half dozen other countries. Our accountants are deeply hardworking probably highly traumatized people.
Hank and John are 🫶
While I agree with your rant on people asking when you're going to have children, the question was referencing friends and family - it would be great if we could respond "fuck you" and end the conversation, but I also think people legitimately want to know how to respond in those situations. I don't think the question implied that the person felt particular guilt over not having kids either.
I never felt guilt over not having children and my family would ask all the time. I just told them it's never going to happen, even though I wasn't sure. Eventually they stopped asking and now I feel like I have the space to genuinely reflect on whether I want kids.
Leena Norms once said that she's started telling people, "You know, I just really believe that children deserve to be wanted, so unless I am in a place where I one hundred percent know I want them, I'm not having them," and people mostly stop arguing with her after that. I don't know how well it would work on a particularly nosy/insistent mother, but it's at least something you can feel pretty firm about saying, I think.
@@thatjillgirl love this! Thank you for your advice! I think that’s a great response that also brings the conversation back to a more serious place, making it more about child welfare.
Your comment hit me so hard. My mother has been pestering about this for ages and I can't find a way to make her stop. I am aware that she says this with all the best intentions but she doesn't realize the pressure she's putting on me.
@@EleonoraFestari I totally hear you! Setting boundaries with parents is so hard. I hope you find a way to communicate to her that the pressure is just too much!
The DeleteMe link isn't working
Childfree rant 🙌🙌
18:14 Pomodoro Method ftw!!! As someone who's attention span is of a fruit fly especially with mundane tasks, I will Pomorodo myself to death if I need something done lol
Yeah, generally not a good idea to quit your job with nothing lined up, BUT I do give an exception if you have a good 6-12 months of living expenses saved up and your current situation is truly terrible. But even then, like you said, it's best to save that fund for a true emergency outside of your control instead of tapping it for a situation that is ultimately your own choice.
The childfree question 5:59
Pretty much everyone(but dictators) agrees that forceful sterilization is immoral, but putting immense non stop pressure on people to have kids is seen as just a motherly concern or whatever, when the effects are potentially much more damaging, since, as you said, not just the parents are affected
22:45 We stan a Haruki Murakami reference
I've always wanted children and still do. I've always found it refreshing when women express they do not want children. There are so many amazing nuturers, men, women and beyond...that haven't procreated a human being. They have been instrumental in my own life.
Here for the childfree content! Something I have noticed lately is the jealousy-scapegoating of DINKs. What is up with blaming DINKs for everything that’s going wrong lately?
A non-family member who nags you about kids more than once is just weird and annoying and it would be extremely rare to find an example of that in which the person being nagged has any difficulty cutting them out of their life. The only reason you keep hearing anyone ask about what to say to "people" asking about kids is that it's not just "people". Its their mother. Nine out of ten times, it's their mom. The rest it's either grandmothers , fathers or grandfathers.
If it was easy to tell one's mother to ffffffff off, nobody would need to ask for advice. it's not easy. It's a problem. Hence the question. I'm lucky; none of the above has ever been an issue but I know people who have been through this and I can see what a bind they are in. If the worst thing about your mother is she pesters you to have a kid, that's pretty good considering how low the bar goes for a toxic family member. So I don't know. I've never personally had the problem but I think those who do need a lot more than telling their mother to go to hell.
It’s my dad 😅
TLDR: You need to be equally critical of the culture that influences you not to have kids, as you are of the culture that pressures you to.
Hi, long time viewer and lover of your channel! This was a very interesting talk. I will disagree slightly, and if it gives credence for you or your viewers to listen: I do not have kids, and am not religious. I am engaged in a long term relationship and am by most definitions, a feminist.
I don’t think people ‘having an opinion’ on a woman deciding not to have children is wrong and it’s not fair to ask people not to have any opinions on whether you do or not, it’s only natural because children are fundamentally a positive thing, and a meaningful thing and one of the most significant things a person will do if they choose to. We celebrate people getting married, and we do that because we know it means they have a lifelong partner, it’s significant because you know they will be cared for when they are sick, they will have a family to support them, and all the other positive things that come from loving relationships with other family members. Similarly, in the same way you might want for people to get married or to have financial stability, it’s not a stretch by any means to want women (and men) to have children, because they will get to experience a love that is unique to other things, they will have a greater sense of responsibility to something outside of themselves, they will be committed and grow in specific ways, they will have their family continue, their values won’t die with them, and they will support terrifying birth rate decreases lol!, they will have adorable curious humans to raise, etc.
I hear a lot about how the economy sucks and the climate crisis, etc, but having children is THAT fundamental that people have done it through every dark and violent part of human history, and the only reason we are here now to even talk about this or start a CZcams channel is because our ancestors did it anyway.
No matter how big the chip on your shoulder is about not having kids, and yes, it’s absolutely your choice, part of you has to admit that the pressure to have kids, the questions, and largely, girl boss culture, is influencing many women not to have them. I just think you need to be equally critical of the culture that influences you not to have kids, as you are of the culture that pressures you to. Otherwise, you could risk losing something because of other people, ANYWAY, which is ironic. I am saying this because it happened to me. I am so sorry you are feeling resentful of people asking you about children or the pressure, especially from family, but I recognise in your demeanour, exactly how I felt, because I went through the same thing. I was EXACTLY like you, down to the obvious frustration and defensiveness, and so I say this with so much empathy: regardless of what you choose, you will only feel peace with it and get over the frustration when there is no doubt in your mind that you chose this critically and on your own, not influenced by any external things, including modern girl boss culture. It is a burden to have that massive chip on your shoulder, it breeds defensive and resentful feelings, and might deprive you of something you might have wanted, and effectively ruin it for you, which is why I was so pissed during that time too.
My mother-in-law pressured me to have kids a lot, lots of off-hand comments or direct ones, and the thing is, she made the idea of having kids look undesirable, when maybe I wouldn’t have thought so without her or the culture making it seem like that. I grew up (as a millennial) watching media shit on motherhood, on stay at home mums, on women who depend financially on men (within the confines of a legal marriage), and in a general culture that made having children look dreadful, while also getting pressured to have them by literally everyone. My own mother (who was a seamstress and stay at home mum) downgraded her role in raising us because she was a stay at home mother, which is so sad because it was amazing what she did, all because the culture was crapping all over motherhood!
What I realised is that I needed space to think about it without anyone’s input, so I moved overseas, and didn’t listen to anyone about children for a good 6 months, and wrote about my own true feelings so I could separate the culture I was swimming in, with how I really felt about something. That way, I wasn’t just reacting to external pressure, and realised it was other people’s pressing expectations that I didn’t want, not children themselves. I realised I wanted them so badly on my own terms, in a foreign country, but I did want them, and if I didn’t realise that sooner, I would have missed the chance forever, it’s not something to take lightly no matter what reproductive tech companies want us to believe. I would have kicked myself for letting anyone else tell me what I wanted or didn't want! That includes HAVING kids, despite my millennial upbringing. You may have already done all of this, but I hope someone else benefits from this! I really hope for you from the bottom of my heart, you get to lose the negative feelings, because you want to have internal peace about your choices, whatever they may be.
Anyone else who is unsure, you should look into “unplanned childlessness” - people who would have originally wanted kids but were influenced largely by their cultural environment not to have them, and then miss their fertility windows. Not saying this is all people who are childfree, but it is devastating to people who it happens to. There is so much life to be had in your 40s and 50s and 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s even, but there’s only ONE window for children, and if you miss it, it’s permanent. You can adopt which is amazing, but it’s also natural for people to want their own biological children. IVF/egg freezing are not reliable and SO expensive and painful, and surrogacy is absolutely a feminist nightmare of exploiting poor women for their wombs by rich women who can afford it, so full of ethical issues I won’t even get more into it. Same as birth control, I seriously question if it’s women who truly benefit from the sexual revolution and birth control has serious health impacts on women. Louise Perry has written books on it, as well, if anyone is interested!
At the end of the day, no one can force you to have children, and it will always be your choice, but to anyone who needs to hear it: children are a good thing for society, they are full of love and curiosity, it is unnatural to actively dislike children and if you do, there might be something else going on hormonally (I had this issue!!!). You could raise kids to be your best friends who love you. My parents definitely took that approach and I talk to them every single day and they are truly my best friends. I am going to look after them when they get old, feed them by hand and tuck them in at night - my parents I mean! :) Having a strong family unit is a GOOD thing. It is a protective thing, it is a thing that leads to amazing long-term health outcomes, there's a reason when you ask people what they wish they did on their death beds, they say "spent more time with my family". These are core values that most people wish to have or are grateful they already do. If you have people who love you, and care about your happiness, you are SO lucky, because not everyone has that. Don't waste that love :)
Eh, this whole Israel-Hamas conflict helps me realize how much more I have to give to my children than they have. Under first world circumstances, we would counsel the poor and disadvantaged not to have children and deem it prudent if they tried to improve their situation before having children; or we would look down on them still choosing to have kids when there are no options and no future for those children. This is a luxury we have - we have so much more in America and can give kids such good lives that so many others would kill to have. I became a single mother by choice because I embrace my privilege, and am humbled by the position I’ve found myself in. I want to give back to the next generation, and if we can;t or don’t want to carry a live birth to term, we can still adopt these kids and give them good homes.
That's great for you, but not the path for many people. Yes, it's a huge privilege to not be forced into having children if we don't want to. And by 'having children', I mean all aspects - carrying, birthing, and housing/raising. One can give back to the next generation in so many different ways without birthing, fostering, or adopting - being a great role model for your friends' and relatives' kids, being an educator, volunteering/mentoring, producing art or literature that shapes the culture they grow up in, the list goes on and on...
Some people battle mental health issues, some have financial struggles, and some just simply don't like children. Your existence and worth shouldn't be judged if you don't want to live with a child. Some people are better people by NOT living with children, they're able to be their best selves and contribute to the world in their own way.
I think you are also forgetting about the millions of poor parents that wish they could go back in time and not have kids, or wait until they were better off so they could provide a better home and their better self. Like I said, good for you and your choice, but it would be unfortunate if it turned into judging others' life choices.
@@calibby85 I agree, you shouldn’t have children, but I’m comfortable and have a great life, and am happier to share it with my kids than even with a partner.
*NO ONE CARES IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS!* It's the norm in the city to be childfree.
Love the content, and I really don't mean this in an ill-spirited way, but I noticed you use filler words i.e. "like", "you know", "um", and "uh" quite a lot. Everyone does, but in this case it was to an honestly distracting degree. Again I like the content, and maybe other people have an easier time tuning it out, but something worth considering for the listener experience.
Most women I know don't want kids. I'm in the city and it's the norm, which I don't think they realize yet because they all act like they're counter-culture about not wanting kids. PS I don't have kids and no one ever Shane's me about it and actually most women shame moms.....honestly getting annoying just because they all say the same things about it all but again, act as if they are original & being rebellious 🤭
Most people DON'T want people who don't want kids to have kids....I never get pressured or shamed into having kids and actually there's more judgment towards me when I say I might want kids. If you live in a modern American city can we stop pretending like we are getting pressured to have kids or that people actually care if we're child free? Seems like you care more than anyone and maybe want to be defensive or something?? Seems a lot more socially acceptable to choose to be childfree (in Portland at least and I doubt it's different in NYC).