Safe Vs. Flexible Mode | Autism Vocabulary You Need to Know
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- čas přidán 18. 04. 2024
- This video is based on the term "Safe vs. Flexible Mode" as defined by Annie Kotowicz in her book "What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic" (link below).
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Wanting to be "safe" is a big reason behind why I've had a habit of staying up late (like, up till the morning late) for almost my entire life. Knowing that other people are asleep and unlikely to come interrupt me is bliss. It's certainly created challenges in terms of living with family members though.
THIS!!!
100%
🙏🏻✨️💫🩵💫✨️🙏🏻 Xx
I just realized i did this as a teen. I would stay up late in secret. Sometimes was afraid that my parents could wake up and catch me, but still it was the most comfortable i felt in those years...have the tv running at very low volume and do whatever.
I always loved hiking at night when I lived in safe neighborhoods.
This is exactly the reason why I always take too long in the shower/on the toilet. They are two out of three environments where I truly can get into safe mode, the third being in bed, when all others in the house are sleeping.
Yes. Exactly. (She said, typing on her phone in the bathtub after having read for two hours. Just decided to put on a video to listen to while I transition to the world outside, which is cold, but unfortunately the water isn't getting any warmer either)
I haven't actually listened to it yet, just saw your comment underneath and thought, "oh, that's what it's about!"
Yassss. I am a bathroom dawdler.
I have that with the shower and bed too!
That's actually very interesting, my dad, who I've suspected is autistic for about 30 years, and am even more convinced now I've been diagnosed, is also a bathroom dawdler. He's not convinced he's autistic, but there's so many little quirks of his behavior that just scream "autistic" to me. You've now given me another thing that makes me more sure he is on the spectrum with me.
I always shower after people fall asleep, too. Haven't figured out how to explain why.
This is why when people are involved, it has to be planned, so that I can mentally prepare for it. Does anyone else feel this way?
Yep I feel you there. Unplanned human interaction means I have no time to get ready to mask, which makes me dissociate 😕
@scobeymeister1 oh that is making sense now. Thank you for your reply. Unplanned visits makes my anxiety go through the roof!
Maybe thats why phone calls are the bane of my existence
Very yes.
Yes. Exactly. Yesss.
This really explains to me why I prefer scheduling any commitments for the early morning. If I have a meeting scheduled for noon or an appointment at three PM I won’t be able to get anything productive done beforehand. I’m stuck in flexible mode because I know if I start doing a task fully I will completely lose track of time and then be abruptly interrupted by a timer or commitment. But if I complete all of those commitments very early in the day, I can then use the rest of my hours fully
Oh goodness. The way you worded this is so much of how I structure my life without even knowing it. Yes.
Oh my gosh yes, lightbulb moment reading this comment. This so explains that really weird bit of autistic inertia of being unable to get anything done because of an upcoming commitment that day!
YES❣
Wowwww yes this is me.
YES! Thanks for this comment!!
Safe mode is what I call flow state. Flexible mode is what I call relational space but sometimes, depending on the social context, be hyper-masking and disassociated.
I actually like the term relational space better. I've learned the hard way I need time for both, but balance is hard.
Interesting--i can see flexible mode as relational for parenting (or texting), but I almost exclusively interact with other ND/NQ adults, and we definitely safe mode/hyperfocus wiht each other when relating 1:1 or in small groups!
@@courtneyfrantz9240Maybe safe people induce safe mode, or some combo of safe-relational mode…?
This actually helps me kind of think about what I was puzzling over. It seems like I have a safe/flow mode, a relational/flexible mode, AND a third mode, which is rigid and almost dissociative. I think “desynchronized” might be a term for it.
Everything I do requires manual control. Things that would normally be automatized, I have to think extra hard about. I have to be deliberate about the words I choose and the actions I take. I have to focus on my breathing. Usually it involves social situations and time limitations or deadlines. It’s like the feeling of having been in flow and then JUST getting pulled out of it. It’s that moment, but extended through the entire interaction until I find a way to relax or come back into myself,. I hate it.
@@alexiswilliamsinc I feel you, i have had similar thoughts, except i define them as 1) people pleasing, being idle and unintentional with my actions, irresponsible and self-destructive. It is very easy to get into this state because “2)” demands constant work and attention, which can also cause burnout.
2) working in the interests of my inner child and practising self-love, healing, taking everything slow, constantly taking a step back and rethinking my processes, taking away the excess and detoxing from devices, substances, people etc. It is very hard for me to do this in long term, but i am trying to just reform my habits to support being in “2)” at all or most times. These states can happen for multiple concurrent days, or even weeks (in case of 1)), and there is always a night and day difference between living in the one or the other. The 3) Is when i am dissociating and not really in the 1) or 2) but somehow outside of them and waiting to choose, but it usually goes to 1) from here. It is also an interesting state to be in, which is why i tend to savour my time in it, which leads to sabotaging my routine and that leads to state 1). I would like to here if anyone can relate to this and has any experience in going from being 1) to 2) state.
I've always liked the term flow state
I’ve been aware of this but I call it “flow state” instead of safe mode. As a painter, I won’t even try to paint if I have less than 4 hours to go deep into it. If I have to set an alarm or I have an appointment later on, I don’t even bother because I know I will be so frustrated and anxious. And when someone interrupts me in flow state, I feel like I’m being pulled out of a coma 😂. And I get really snippy…
Yes to the feeling of being pulled out of a coma 🫠
Oh wow. I feel so seen. I'm the same when I'm creating art. I want people to go away and leave me alone and leave me to focus on it. Do you have the same experience with preparation sketching, or do you find like me that when you're sketching in preparation for a painting that you're in flexible mode, due to the iterative nature of thumbnail sketching?
@@KidarWolf it’s funny that you ask, because I have an art studio in a co-op art gallery, and sometimes there’s a lot of customers walking through and I have to purposefully keep myself in flexible mode. I’ve gotten better at it, but I’m also glad on the days when there are no visitors and I can go into a deep flow state. Four hours can fly by!
@@amyhutchinsonfineart What an amazing opportunity for you to have. I have to admit, I don't think I would be able to manage working in a co-op art gallery, not just because I would struggle with the constant mode switching, but also because I would probably irritate my fellow artists with my fidgets!
You're right, 4 hours really is the minimum time needed.
Insight! It is not (just) codependency that makes me feel like I need to get everyone in my household's needs met before mine. I do that partly because I want to get them all settled so they are less likely to interrupt me when I need to go into my own safe mode!!! Wow.
Ooh yes this is great perspective!
YES!!!!
As a kid, I learned that working on one interest or task for four or five hours straight was considered "not normal! It was just fun for me!
Who said that wasn't normal? I could indulge in my special interest 10+ hours at a time.
@@confidentlocal8600 That's the thing, it's "normal" for autistic people, but apparently not so for allistic people. So it depends on who is defining "normal", which is just fraught with peril, because everyone's interpretation of normal is inherently biased by their own experiences.
This confirms for me that the boy I heard about from a Sudbury school (a type of school where students 4-18 years old literally do almost whatever they want all day-- play, draw, fish, talk, etc.-- No curriculum or homework or tests or grades, and they ALL end up learning really well how to focus, work with other people, think critically, read and write and do math important to life, etc., all without teaching) -- this confirms to me that the boy I heard about who spent 5 years at such a school just fishing and researching fishing, all day, every day, was likely autistic! He ended up going into computer science.
It's fine people, Mainstream members would even consider my frequent attention on old time spirits strange, however it's just a few of the old magical characters kind of attract me enough to yank my heart. Autism and personal special interests that just what I'm stuck with emotionally. That's one of my largest differences, whether it's a task, a belief or a tradition I'm usually quite willing to accept some of the smallest changes throughout the day. I don't need much reward to be happy.
Lots of kids do that. I know kids that would spend four to five hour putting Lego together or playing video games for 4 to 5 hours. Length of time I don't think is what makes it special interest. It the deep dive into it that does that and being completely in my own little world when doing my special interest. It also doesn't cost me spoons and give me spoons instead.
I survived adolescence by being in flexible mode 100% of the time I was outside the house, and at home I was left alone for the most part so I could be in safe mode all evening on the computer.
This is 100% my adolescence, people would think of me as an outgoing social person not particularly capable of great work at school, but when I was home alone with my computer (pre-internet) I would be lost for hours and accomplish things that surprised even successful adults. It’s like my brain was in standby out of the house, running superficially, and would only go fully active when interruptions were all but impossible. Transitioning to the work environment after school was jarring. I found myself getting to work early and staying very late because I could only perform what was expected when the office was empty. My favorite places to work became strapped into the window seat on long distance overnight flights. It all makes sense now.
Wow, this is my experience also! I expended some much time creating my own campaigns for StarCraft, or organizing my music albums (covers art, lyrics, filling all fields artist name, song year, genre, etc), or downloading every single photo from the TV show Friends and then cataloging them by which characters appeared in the photo.
This is also how I spent my adolescence.
This was exactly me as well.
This is 100% relatable
Love this. Forced flexible mode is the bane of my existence.
This sounds soooooo familiar. I like having the house completely to myself because then I’m not on alert, bracing for unexpected contact from the other person(s) In the buildings, or for significant noise I can’t control, etc. Full solitude is there only way I can fully relax or be fully immersed in something.
I 100% feel that.
In exploring my trauma responses, I've found white noise is really stressful! It means I can't hear other sound above it, which means I might have missed the sound of someone coming home, which means I don't know if I'm about to be interrupted. Quiet (without earplugs or headphones) means I'm safe to stay in safe mode. And to this day despite living away from my parents for years, the sound of a garage door opening is a trigger for my back to tense up because my body knows the interruptions are coming. It's always wild to tell people that because they assume I was abused but no, it's literally just that my mom isn't autistic and doesn't get it 😅
@@scobeymeister1 Yuuuuuuup. The fear that my (very loving, generally emotionally healthy) mom might knock on my bedroom door is real. Took a while of living with my housemate before I believed in my core (instead of just my mind) that she would never knock on my door and interrupt me.
YES!!! I absolutely need a day at home by myself, otherwise I start feeling down. I NEED that time to be able to actually and fully relax! I get up early in the morning to have peace n quiet (loving having teenagers that sleepin!), but its still not the level of full relaxing that I get when I'm at home by myself.
This makes so much sense to me.
Kinda like deep sleep vs light sleep. When I was a new mom, every sleep was “light sleep” bc my body knew I’d be woken by the baby any minute. Waking out of DEEP sleep is so startling and disorienting. Safe Mode is deep sleep which is most restorative, and Flexible Mode is light sleep, easier to interrupt.
Flexible mode since 1998! 👍
ooh, that's a really good comparison
@@mommabahre6017 Right?? Love your name, by the way.
@KTplease Thank You!
I am NOT diagnosed ADHD or Autism, but am fairly certain I have both. That makes complete sense. I feel that. The hyperfixation takes over in safe mode, and then someone talks or touches you and it just SNAPS out of focus, and then get very stressed out and extremely bothered.
Same here; not diagnosed but pretty sure. I have some great days where I’m super productive, and then weeks where I’m stuck in “flexible mode” until I get so restless and frustrated that I lock everything out and try to forcibly go into “safe mode”. But forcing “safe mode” (which previously I’ve thought of as “work/productivity mode”) makes me irritable, and overstimulated by anything happening around me.
My husband was recognizably autistic from birth, but somehow he doesn’t seem to understand. Maybe reading this book together will help us to put our thoughts into words. 🤔
Not diagnosed with Autism or ADHD, but exploring because things like this resonate with me so much. This makes me realize that I force myself to spend most of my time in “Flexible” mode, while all the time craving “Safe” mode!
SAME 💯
This is why I stay up so late at night. My kids are homeschooled and that is the only time I get to have true relaxation because everyone is asleep
Ahhh found another homeschool mom. I am fully fully committed to homeschooling but I have not been able to find my balance with myself in over 7 years! I am kind of a morning person but it ebbs and flows. Thankfully my kids are starting to sleep in as preteens. I am learning to drop commitment to care for myself-now that I am learning about my place on the spectrum-which I had NO IDEA about until finding this channel
@@ilanachlebowski1773 I’m with you my friend. I had no idea about any of this until someone I hired to help me with something TOTALLY different mentioned she thought I was high masking. I had no idea what she was talking about. But here I am and I think she hit the nail on the head. I think homeschooling can be especially challenging for people on the spectrum due to the balance issue. My daughter is 15 and my son is 13, I have homeschooled them from the beginning and my mornings have become SACRED because it’s the only alone time I get. I believe both my children are also on the spectrum ( my son 100%!) as a result they are both homebodies. So I take whatever time I can get. 😂 but I would not have it any other way. 🙌
After unmasking for a while, now I tell then people Im with: "Im going to disconnect (from the outside world) so Im out of reach, I will not be paying attention to you if you talk to me"... usually Im listening to something to block the exterior..and for me this just means, Im focusing IN and on X with freedom.. im going all in, and I safely can literally disconnect from the outside.
I love to hear this!! Awesome 🙌🏻
As a kid I used to stand by the door of my room and loudly inform my family that if anyone has anything to ask or tell me now is the time to do so because I'm about to go to my room and shut the door.
This is a great idea. Good to communicate needs to natural supports and loved ones.
Thank you for this! I realized that since I became a parent, I’m constantly in flexible mode. It started taking a toll on my body and that was the moment I had to stand up for myself and explain to my husband I NEEDED to go on a vacation just by myslef. It was liberating, beautiful and relaxing, altough it took me 2 days to calm down from this hyper alertive state. Whenever I heard someone walking in the hotel my brain literally kicked in a high alert mode where I thought “oh no what do they want from me?!”. It was almost therapeutic to rewire my brain to think that my surrounding is not constantly demanding my attention.
This is why it’s so hard to have a relationship with a non understanding NT. One needs to be able to be in safe mode at home with their loved ones. In fact, I would go so far to say that consistently breaking another’s safe mode is abusive.
That goes for parents of autistics too. Don’t be abusive!
Absolutely! A lot of the behaviors of people in my life that I characterized as abusive, I now realize after my autism diagnosis, were abusing me as a disabled person, which left me with a lot of anger and grief over those experiences after my late diagnosis. Now at least, there's increasing understanding from my parents after my diagnosis, where I'm better able to define what it is I need when my ability to function is overwhelmed.
Yes, and...
Anecdata: My wife is mostly (??) NT we've been married 10 years. We're both very independent people and we've always valued spending doing our own thing (usually me alone and her with family or friends). We divide child care so that we each get a solid 2 hours/day of our own discretionary non-work time. I struggle sometimes explaining to other people that this mostly suits us (and I'm confused by couples who are always together). We do sometimes struggle to make quality time together, but this seems to be a common complaint of parents :)
@@gunning6407 don’t you just love doing separate things in the same room with someone? Like, reading two separate books, or working on two different craft or art projects, or making music with headphones on, whatever, mix and match. Just, it’s not the same if the other person is doing a group thing. Idk I like that sort of quality time.
I've described this as "constant hypervigilance." Masking requires constant hypervigilance to maintain. Therefore, it is not sustainable to do it 24/7 for years and years. Hence, burnout.
I was just thinking as I read everyone's comments, that it all reminds me of my husband's hypervigilance that he experiences with his PTSD he acquired after his time in the service during war. It's really exhausting for him... as this is for me.
@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane Yeah, hypervigilance in PTSD is horrendous to go through, being a PTSD sufferer myself. I hope your husband can find his way to regulate that hypervigilance with less and less effort every day, and reestablish his sense of safety and security. Sending my love, from one PTSD sufferer to another.
@@KidarWolf Awe, thank you for the kind words. I wish the same for you friend.
I think what is most despairing is how many missed opportunities in the lives of an autistic person because of the many possibilities of interruption that may occur. How much purpose and fulfillment is contained in one mode compared to the other? I suspect a great difference.
I can’t exercise at home for fear of someone interrupting me! Gyms/classes are expensive-but I’ve bought allllll the equipment to do a workout at home but can’t do it bc what if I get interrupted???
@ilanachlebowski1773 I couldn't relate more. So much depends on the environment. I sort of picture it like I have this highly focused invisible laser and people haphazardly like to walk into it.
This is why I like to get up early before everyone else and I am a morning person. There are no distractions and I can just focus on what I am interested in. Once the rest of the world wakes up there are distractions galore. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
I'm the same way with getting up early!
Interesting words to describe the two "modes". This resonates with me but I look at it as more of a scale with deep attention/focus on one end and flexibility on the other end. I know that if I focus my attention on something deeply it "hurts" for my attention to be ripped away by an interruption. The deeper I focus the more it "hurts" to be ripped away. So I regulate, either consciously or unconsciously, how deep I focus on things. And sometimes I can't focus at all because sitting there bored is easier than dealing with abrupt attention changes. Part of the difficulty of autistic inertia (not all of it for sure) is fighting the trauma response from being ripped away from focusing on something so many times in the past.
Another problem is I rarely have the opportunity to really focus intensely. At work I need to be flexible because at any time an issue could pop up that I need to go fix (I work in IT). And at home I have a wife and kid who are both very vocal and ADHD. They both want my attention quite frequently and resent me wanting some time to focus on something. They barely tolerate when I need some time to deal with a shutdown. I wish they could understand how difficult it is for my brain to go round and round the way theirs can and does.
What's worst is when I want/need to focus on something and the interruptions are just long enough that I think "Oh, the conversation is over. I can focus on what I want/need to focus on." Then, right as I am switching focus away from them, they interrupt again. It's like, I'm trying to transition in one direction and it feels like they keep grabbing me from behind by the neck and yanking me back. And my brain is like "Oh no you DIDN'T!!!" and I just want to scream and yell "OMG, can you just SHUT UP!" But I don't and instead just smile and try (and usually fail) not to let on that I am extremely irritated now. Being stopped in the middle of transitioning is the WORST!
I can so relate to this. Now it's just two of us at home and the children have grown up it feels a lot easier to regulate, but not always!
That must be really challenging. I certainly have a similar experience with my ADHD friends. The way their neurotype works, and the way mine works are subtly different. I do suspect I may also have ADHD in addition to autism, but where my friends are ADHD only, the subtle difference between AuDHD and ADHD causes tension - they operate their way of "normal", and I operate my way of "normal", and I can find the way their focus and attention shifts rapidly, where mine is more sluggish due to autistic inertia enabling me to get into deep hyperfocus at the cost of being a little slow to emerge from it or else risk physical and emotional pain at being ripped rapidly out of it, to be exhausting. I love my friends, dearly, and I'm fortunate that they understand when I say "sorry, I love you, but today I don't have the spoons to socialize with you because I can't handle your delightful chaos today, but I'm looking forward to when I can, because when I have the spoons for it, it's remarkably refreshing to let the ADHD out for a bit!"
My high energy days are definitely much more typical of ADHD, I'll be jumping from idea to idea rapidly, and highly distractable, and those are the best days to spend time with my ADHD friends, because they get that - it's their every day existence.
I also thought I didn't fully relate to the two distinct modes, but instead have a scale from deeply focused to ready for interruptions. And getting lots of interruptions while in the focused mode is really jarring, I get so irritated and tired if I have constant interruptions, and will feel very drained if there have been a lot of them during the day. Also, I work in the IT, too, where I need to be able to focus deeply, but also have lots of interruptions, and I've tried to come up with schemes of managing the interruptions (like managing the alerts, checking for continuous working time etc.), but it is not always enough. The IMs and especially unannounced calls are the worst.
I felt that in my BONES. My mom has ADHD and growing up I remember wanting to scream most days because she'd start a conversation and then she'd walk away *just* long enough to go back to what I was doing and *then* she'd continue her thought. And then she'd have no idea why I got so frustrated with her.
Now living with my autistic partner, I drive him insane with my ADHD because I do exactly the same thing, but at least I know why it bothers him and can make an effort to stop doing that 😅
This makes so much sense! For me, I take it to a literal physical level: being alone in my room or out in the world. Alone, I find safety and out in the world, there is only flexible mode. My space is my favorite retreat.
This is superb. I guess flexible is when we're thinly spread and safe is when we can allow ourselves to be deep.
This is such a vivid analogy and really describes the feeling so well!
I resonate with these descriptions, flexible mode sounds like “masking,”
You’re right! I can see this too
That's how I interpreted it - "flexible mode" is just task-based masking, "safe mode" is just like... regular.
That’s what I thought too. Flexible sounds like masking and safe sounds like hyper focus.
I agree
....................????? I'd say they're quite far apart........ I'm totally flexible enough to do what the rest refuse when it's a public task but I don't let my Autism hide while I also don't let employer results control the future of my volunteering............................... I'm very willing to prove my higher capabilities.
Makes perfect sense to me. I've always felt that I need to talk my brain into doing anything. There is a constant dialog "I need to do this, brain. Please let me do it. We are in survival mode, when we get home I'll give you a treat."
YES❣
Oh yes, the treat bribe. This is why I'm overweight. It's how I get through the work day. I eat very little when I'm home.
This made me laugh because I feel like I have had this exact conversation in my head so many times. 😂
"When we get home I'll give you a treat" 😂😂😂 Autistic humor is the best humor ❤
When you mentioned how being a parent makes things complicated because you can get knocked out of focus, it actually made me a little jealous. I am your age, but I live alone and have few serious obligations. I can go so deep into safe mode that I forget who I am and what time is. I might be a lot healthier if I had the anchor of children to snap me out of it.
Wow. It’s always amazing to hear another perspective. Thank you for sharing that-I am going to try to reframe my thoughts about my beautiful offspring/interrupters. :)
WOW. I absolutely love this. It explains why so many things are so. Like autistic inertia is when I WANT to be in safe mode but for some reason I must remain in flexible mode. Like when my friend comes to stay overnight I get exhausted...because even though I like her visit I must stay in the more exhausting flex mode. Like when I am IN safe mode...crafting or writing or something I enjoy and I know I am not going to be interrupted at all, I lose track of time and it feels energizing and healing. Like why it's so hard for me to get into writing things I need to until it's safe mode time and I can go there...otherwise it's going to be painful and not efficient.
Oh, what an easy to understand and finally well worded concept!
Taylor, thanks for sharing this gem. I want that book.
Oooh yes to all of this especially about having people in my home. I’m ALWAYS in flexible mode in those scenarios.
@@MomontheSpectrum I'm loving the book...got it in Kindle and am highlighting freaking all of it! LOL Feeling heard. Thanks.
To me that 'flexible mode' is just a part of everyday masking - I work in environment where flexibility is necessary to do my job well. Quite probably that's why I always feel so burnt out after work - because getting into and maintaining this mode is really mentally tiring, just like maintaining masking all the time. I probably don't need to spend time 'turning it off' after work only because I spend half an hour in my car listening to music while driving from work, which helps to wind down after work. That's exactly my mental picture - in flexible mode being 'wound up', like a spring-loaded mechanism, ready to act and react, and then needing to 'wind down' to be able to relax so I don't crack...
It's true, I have to get myself so pumped up for the day!
That's my life. It's exactly why I'm AFRAID to go into safe mode because I know it will probably be shattered by something and then I'll be profoundly jarred and psycho-viscerally "dislocated," feeling violated--yes, a genuine kind of trauma, even grief for what I just lost--and then my capacity for risking descent (and that's a very positive word here) back into the vast regions of safe mode will be that much more compromised. Yet living perpetually in flexible mode is impossible. It's good for a run but as a mode of being it's finally self-extinguishing. There are no wells there. Some rewards, yes, even delightful transition points, but no deep wells. Finding oneself stuck there is a bit like being the crow whose head gets stuck in the jar it went after some shiny object at the bottom of. And it can lead to the same frantic desperation to get out. I.e., a meltdown--in my case, something approaching catatonia.
YES---it feels like I've been violated. Is this not how it is for other people??
It is for me and it’s also really challenging when that happens to be pleasant to the person who interrupts me
@@confidentlocal8600 I've lived most of my 66 years believing it must be, assuming we're all the same, which is what makes it so hard to figure people out, like, 'Why would you DO that to me?" But I have so much more peace now, and I mean genuine inner equilibrium, since my autism discovery, because I realize that, no, this is not how it is for other people. They don't go into that same kind of "safe mode," therefore they don't feel the violation. That knowledge liberates me from the pain of the automatic assumption that they don't care they're doing that to me. They do care. If they understood, they wouldn't want to do it. Only the very psychopath would actually WANT to do that. It has helped me not to feel violated the way I used to.
@@Akribelasurfacing (This will come off to start like I'm disagreeing with you, but as you'll see, I'm not, so a moment's patience, please 🙂!) I have to believe it's the extremely rare person who'd genuinely enjoy consciously and intentionally doing that to somebody. It would require two things: 1) truly understanding, like practically being inside (the way none of us is ever "inside" another), your most private psyche and feeling your feelings (making it even rarer, it would nearly require a neurotypical person to understand, like from the inside, the mind of an autist); 2) assuming that somehow the first condition was met, the person would then have to be so sadistic, bordering on psychopathic/narcissistic, as to lust for that ego-charge of demolishing your psychic edifice and viewing the wreckage with glee. Can it happen? Yes, absolutely. Somebody can know you so well (which, unfortunately, suggests they're so closely related that theyr'e not an easy person to exclude from your life) that they instinctively "read" you and to some degree know what they're doing (though they'll never know from the outside the way you do from the inside). If that's the case, well...how awful. So sorry. It will require profound wisdom, self-understanding, perhaps uncharacteristic assertiveness and distinct practical lifestyle adjustments to put that person in their place, set the psychoemotional boundaries and post the sign "No Further." If the person isn't a "mandatory player" in your life, then of course it's easier. In that case, one word suffices: goodbye. That of course is the sticky question: who in my life is a "mandatory player"? In the end it turns out to be far fewer than we once thought. Finally, though, just in case, it's worth testing the assumption that they really know what they're doing and whether what they seem to be finding pleasant is the inner violation you're feeling, or something else. It's the better part of wisdom always to allow the possibility we're misreading the cues...a thing that kind of goes with autism, doesn't it! A patient, tentative and provisional reading of the behaviors and motivations of others (how it affects me isn't always what they wanted), plus an adamant determination to take care of our authentic being, setting absolute boundaries when and where required---I'm learning that these two together are indispensable to sociopsychological survival, if there's to be any sustained joy in life.
@@kensears5099That was very well explained. I am having a mixed situation, because I don't think my mother is actively enjoying hurting me, but it does seem more and more a sad fact of life that she doesn't care to hear how or why her behaviour hurts me because talking about that is "a waste of time". In the end I am learning that I need to treat her as if she is incapable of understanding or incapable of caring enough to try to understand (which is even worse). And I absolutely must learn how to uphold healthy boundaries and remove myself from the interactions with her as often and as much as I can... For my own mental and emotinal health and well-being or what's left of it...
I always assumed this was how everyone is. I started having a seriously hard time with this after having kids. It’s impossible to be in safe mode when you’re constantly being interrupted. I felt like I had to cut off a large part of my soul/brain and just accept that I couldn’t do it because I was constantly stressed and angry if I let myself get into safe mode.
this is exactly the reason that I have not been able to paint or even read a book since having a child. Even when he is away at school, I feel like I have to be always available. Always on. Always ready... for a wake up, for an injury, for a text or call. I recognize that this is entirely of my own making, I just have not figured out how to do it in a balanced way.
I get something like this at the end of the weekend, like "oh boy, gotta rev up for the week again" after being able to 'turn off' over the weekend. If this is the same thing, I think it comes from having to split our focus between social/work and our own inner world.
When I read the video title, I understood the idea instantly. The full explanation didn't disappoint. Brilliant. Thanks for bringing this to our awareness- I may need that book.
YES! That’s exactly how I felt when I first read the term “autistic inertia.” I’ve never heard it before but I GET IT.
I work from home and I am forced to be in flexibility mode when my husband is also home. (He works outside the home only 4 days per week.) My husband is a sweetheart and most accommodating but it’s still a wasted day. His entire presence doesn’t allow for any form of safe mode. Honestly, this revelation can save marriages. For so long, I couldn’t understand why his presence was grating and disruptive even tho he’s my #1 supporter and the most sensitive person to my needs. I felt like a horrible person for my resentment toward him. Things are a lot better for several years. Having words for this is truly amazing
My husband is, in fact, the loudest, most chaotic person I have ever met!
@@mommabahre6017 SAME 😵💫😅
I totally understand the physical tension that comes from living in flexible mode. It feels like HIGH ALERT. Having kids forced me into that much more than anything that came before. And then wanting to be an adult like everyone else, I just forced myself to be in that mode even more often. But since embracing self-diagnosis, I have started to choose safe mode again.
Any tricks for choosing safe mode?
@@MomontheSpectrum I feel it like choosing to unmask (and regulate when needed), for me it is the same...choosing to be myself, thus being completely focused on my inner world or my special interest or the work I need to focus on. It helps everyone when you let people around you know that you are "caving" so you will be literally out of reach. --with kids it's probably not the best time for itif no one else can back you up watching them, because you wont able to truly "cave in". Also it is boundary setting and self love, I think, listening to your needs.
This explains why so many of us just wait in anticipation for some event because we can’t just enter safe mode when we need to be flexible enough for the eventual interruption in the form of the event
True!!!
Omg. This interruption thing has ruled my life for so long and I’ve never been able to pinpoint what it is.
This is exactly why I hate getting ready for work. It's so hard to transition myself into flexible mode for the work day.
Wow, yeah. This makes perfect sense. Working full time and being a father of 3, there is very little safe mode time. Knowing interruptions are inevitable makes me stay in flex mode all day and night most days.
Thank you so much for sharing this light bulb moment.
Putting names to things is so empowering and so helpful.
Yes my kids are constantly keeping me in flexible mode it is exhausting
When my kids say, "MOM!" It feels like I'm being electrocuted. Every time!
I so so so need help with everything. Remember you were talking about the "spoon theory". It took about a hundred thousand spoons to recreate my resume. I'm homeless again and looking for a job again.
Crap, that sucks. Good luck, friend.
I went through that too, right before I was diagnosed as autistic. It's an awful place to be in because it rips away access to a safe space to retreat into to regulate yourself. If you're in the UK, try getting in contact with Mind and StepChange, they'll be able to help you by signposting you to organizations that can help get you back in control of your own destiny. They made a massive difference for me. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about charities in other countries, because I've never had to engage with charities internationally.
You can do it!! You have made it this far!
I feel you so much on that, took me soooo many spoons, finally got the darn thing finished and I'm applying for jobs. I wish us both luck on our job journeys!
Yes! I completely get it. I home school my 9 year old. I set time aside just for him because if I try to do something while he's doing work I get real frustrated if he needs me. That made me feel horrible. I have never been able to really say why it was so irritating though. This makes so much sense.
I homeschooled for a year. It is definitely so challenging to structure time in a way that supports everyone!
This is me! This explains why everyday my “productive” side was trying to “get things done” during homeshcool but constantly interrupted makes me miserable. And I don’t want it be miserable to my kids. They deserve better
You’re not alone in the comments. Literally.
This is absolutely terminology that can describe my life experiences. I've developed similar language, using words like "mode" or "bucket". I have distinct recollections of deep frustration and annoyance while being in my "work bucket or mode" and a friend calls me which forces me into my "social bucket". It's extremely difficult to switch modes and disrupts my ability to function in a professional context. A very frustrating and exhausting experience.
Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you. YES. Just... YES. I would use slightly different terms, flexible = responsive mode for me, safe = settled or centered or focused deep within myself mode. But YES. And especially thank you for articulating how / why this makes being a parent and living in a house with others SO HARD. I have been asking myself lately, where am I spilling out extra energy that leaves me over depleted, and this is it.
I feel that flexibel mode is an under statement. It is more like an hypervigilent mode.
That's why I can't feel safe around my Kids. Not as long as they are still interrupting without warning.
This was a heart breaking realisation for me... but also self empowering to allow my self to protect my safe mode at all cost!
Hoooooooooly cow does this resonate hard with me. The extra light bulb moment I got is that I have done this for so long and not even realized it. I'd be in the "flex" mode and get frustrated at myself because, for me, it really does keep things at surface level, both in my ability to explain AND retain anything. The shift between being an "expensive" task is no joke either...I have a fairly standard routine (probably the only one I've *really* got, thanks ADHD) to get ready and go to work..and if that gets disrupted I'm so much more tired and worn out at the end of the day. Gonna have to check that book out too, thanks for the info!!
I moved my desk so that there was a wall behind me because when I’m working and my kids are home it made flexible mode even more stressful knowing that someone could come up behind me with no warning. I feel like this articulates why I always felt like my brain was on fire during the pandemic, trying to keep a full time job and keeping my kids at home with me.
Now it makes more sense as to why I am so totally burned out after work nearly every day. I never really thought about it (nor have I ever heard the term before) but I have to be in "Flex" mode all day. The nature of my job requires being flexible, which requires almost constantly reminding myself to stay calm in the face of changing work conditions, even if the current task is not yet completed.
PS: You turned me on the the ONO Fidget Rollers some time ago. I absolutely LOVE them! Only problem is that the plastic ends keep breaking, but ONO has been great about replacing the rollers. I keep a spare on hand because I must be rough on them or something, LOL. Mine are the less expensive plastic ones (one purple and one blue.). I might try a metal one to see if it might last longer.
Yes being flexible in work mode…and reminding myself to stay calm in changing conditions…that resonates.
So glad you love the ONO! And glad to hear the customer service has been helpful. Yes maybe a different model would be more fitting for you!
This just made me realize I enjoy playing poker so much because it’s my ‘safe mode’ outlet. playing cards enable me to hyperfocus on one task alone - a reprieve from staying in flexible mode for prolonged periods of time.
Interesting realization! Thanks for sharing it here. It's obviously resonating with others as well! :)
Wow. That was unexpectedly profound.
On a day to day basis, I swing between what I call "low demand/recovery" mode and flex mode. Work, or any engagement with people and the outside world, requires flexion/hyperfocus mode, or I will shutdown. The next day is recovery day, which I need to decompress from previous flex day, recenter and prepare for next flex day. I cannot easily toggle between or fully enter into both states on the same day.
A 'safe' day, where I want to be rested, grounded, calm, mind functioning enough for deep focus and clarity and no disturbances, requires at least two weeks of meticulous ahead planning and preparation to create the right environment, undisturbed open free time and body/mind readiness.
What a revelation. I always knew I had those two modes, but could never explain them. A few years before I retired I injured my back, and my boss was very willing for me to work from home most of the time. After 2 years the company was sold, and no more working from home. It was agony getting dressed up for work, commuting and sitting in a terrible desk all day. My supervisor realized how hard it was and convinced the company to give me 6 months paid early retirement! For me working from home was 'safe mode in so many ways. The 'flexible model they required almost killed me.
I ALWAYS hated words my whole life until I found out I'm autistic. I crave words to describe my world. This is how I would describe it to therapists but they had no words to match what I was explaining. I have to live in flexible mode daily but the demand for it, the spoons I don't have for them, after 50 yrs is too much to handle. My body is always tense because of the daily demands and my thoughts. Safe mode always means something bad is going to happen in my world right after I feel anything other than comfortable.
Oh wow. How you described this really resonates with me.
@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you for saying that 🩵
I sympathise with you and totally get it. You’ve likely been in flight-or-fight mode for long periods. If you can and have the means, I strongly recommend an hour for yourself with an acupuncturist & ask for one ear and 5 or 6 needles. The calm & pure bliss from it is incredible. All the best.
I'm 51 and only recently became aware that I'm autistic. Listening to this, I think that the majority of what I now recognises as my 'burn-outs' have come from trying to stay constantly in 'flexible mode', because I thought I ought to be able to do that. 😐
Thanks for this video! Really helpful to know! 🙂
Following comments are about the word not so much the concept. I understand the concept and it is 100% on point for me and my brain.
“Safe” mode doesn’t sound or feel “safe”. When I am in that mode and I am interrupted I definitely don’t feel safe. I feel angry and disturbed and sometimes it triggers a meltdown.
I was in this mode the other night trying to figure out a problem with the RV. Wife & I were watching videos and once I obtained enough info I told her I needed her to stop talking to me because I was thinking. I began to visualize the issue and patch in different solutions. Almost like a waking dream where I imagine doing the task and issues that may arise. After the 2nd or 3rd time being interrupted I got very frustrated and left the room in a huff. I later explained what was going on with me and I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t being clear in my boundary or if she was just walking over it or both.
If I am alone with no one else then safe mode is definitely safe. But it is rarely safe with other humans.
In ADHD it’s called default mode. I don’t think that is accurate either and of course as an Autistic person I definitely need accuracy to describe an experience.
“Flexible mode” is an accurate term. However inflexible is not a great term for “safe mode”. Maybe “deep mode”? That’s the way I have described it in the past. 🤔
Yes, I think I could characterize "safe" mode as "deep", but I want to offer another word in case it might fit for you: focus.
Finding the right word for something is so relatable, so I thought I'd offer you another word in case it works better for you 💕
No word seems to quite fit this concept quite right. Deep feels like it's inching closer. I do often throw the word "immersion" out, but it feels kind of indirect and long-winded. It's definitely a vulnerability thing.
YES. 100% same experience. I’ve never put a name to these modes but I’ve been well-aware that I have two modes (more or less) and one is exhausting. It feels, to me, like my brain is monotropic but “flexible mode” is me trying to make my brain perform like a polytropic brain by having my fight or flight stress response system on constant alert to respond to sudden things or multiple streams coming in at once (or masking and having to think about multiple things). So exhausting and it feels terrible
Definitely agree, I have a mode I call "Flat or Switched off". I am purely operating with my logical mind with no emotion. It allows me to fully separate myself when dealing with emotionally charged situations and not internalise other people's emotions.
Having to surrender safe mode, and live in flexible mode upon having children lead to 25 years of recurrent meltdown, shut, downs, and not feeling safe in my world To enable them to be in the world.
My autonomic nervous system became incredibly hyper vigilant, and I developed all kinds of increased sensory disability Anxiety, panic, intense muscle tension And intestinal distress, developing chemical sensitivities food intolerances to the extreme.
My youngest left for college this last fall in the past six months I feel like I’m finally starting to return to myself, and feel safe again.
I love my children more than absolutely anything and yet it was a huge price giving up my safe mode to be flexible for them.
I know we didn’t have this kind of language to explain it to anyone and still most people won’t get it unless maybe they two are autistic
Yes! I'm always in flexible mode! I won't allow myself to get into safe mode because I do not have a safe space. I can't get anything done because there's always a risk I'll get interrupted.
My neighbors, bless their hearts, always come out to chat with me as soon as I go out to get started on a project. Which just makes me hide inside. Is there a polite way to tell them not to come talk to me? Or should I just be that grumpy neighbor no one wants to talk to? I've honestly been leaning towards the latter. 😅
This is exactly what I wanted to write. I also hide inside because outside are neighbors. And even inside I can't switch to safe mode most of te time because I know I will get disturbed by noises which is so upsetting and costs so much energy :(
@@frantri3246 Exactly! I don't want to be rude to anyone, but it feels like my only option. 😕
A yardworking/outside hobby sign that says "If the Headphones are on, I will not respond."?
@kinpandun2464 omg! I just thought that (but a tshirt) just as you must have been typing! 🤣 thank you!
I would just tell them I want to focus on doing this before I lose the focus, and offer to show them the finished project later. Or wear headphones.
This is so relevant to parenting! Especially with young kids because you can't have more than 2 minutes maximum for your own thoughts. This really explains why it's so easy to burn out when you don't get enough safe time. Having that vocabulary is so helpful.
It's so hard to be in safe mode. It's easier now that two of my kids are out of the house. But when the house is full, I'm can't let go.
It also has been very difficult for me to manage in my career. I'm in software and there are a lot of opportunities for safe mode but depending on the environment I have to be in flexible mode which I call vigilance for weeks or months at a time. I just stepped away from management again. I care about people and I care about effective systems so I always end up in leadership and then I burn out and then I pick myself back up. I am going to do my best to just stay a software engineer this time.
I have found it helpful to explicitly tell (trusted) people around me "I really want to be a leader, but I know it is a bad idea because x, y and z. If you notice I am headed towards a management role somehow, I would really appreciate it if you would remind me that I thought it was a bad idea because x,y and z."
Yes! Different bandwidth used. Too much going on I’m airheaded and exhausted.
This is why I like me time at work. It's just myself and the work as long as I stay in the office. Just a nice calm environment. Not having to perform for an audience.
People always say I'm jumpy. I will see them walk into my classroom, but because I'm so focused on my task it doesn't register that they are there. They speak and I scream or jump. To them, I saw them walk in and they are so confused why I was scared. "I'm just jumpy" doesn't explain it well to them and this is why! I'm not just jumpy. I'm in safe mode when I'm alone in my classroom during my conference period because I don't have to be flexible with a bunch of needy teenagers lol I also got married a year ago and it's so hard to explain why I can't engage when I get home. I am used to coming home and going into safe mode to recover but he wants engagement right away.
The inertia applies to sleep also. Sleep is the most vulnerable even more than focus.
This explains so much. It's so hard to focus when I'm aware that someone might interrupt me.
This explains so much. Thanks for sharing!
My wife was offended when I told her that i enjoy having alone time when she is gone at aerobics class. It isn't that I want to be away from her, but that I can relax and be productive in ways that I can't when she is around.
i think my "flexible" mode is just dissociation. my whole life i've felt dissociated, and as i've been unmasking i'm slowly uncovering some of the things behind it, or at least some of the things that make it worse. it seems to me that flexible mode is put to use where people need to mask, and it makes sense to me that people are connecting it as part of masking. for me though, i don't think i have a flexible mode. i just turn off or lose access to so many parts of me when i'm not in a space where i can be in "safe mode; my feelings, my reactions, my senses, and this is why i have even more difficulty processing, paying attention, thinking, and interacting with people when i'm anywhere besides my room basically, but especially around people i'm not fully comfortable with or in spaces i'm not fully comfortable in.
i got so frustrated when i had a job because i was going hours without processing or remembering anything anyone said to me, and it was especially problematic if they were giving me intructions or telling me to do something, because my entire brain and awareness basically turns off when i'm in front of people and i just shove out whatever comprehensible response i can to get through the interaction. then, when they're gone, i have no memory of the details of the conversation.
however, the safe mode was easily identifiable for me. safe mode is at night when everyone is asleep. no one's eyes are open to be able to see me, no one's ears can hear me, i have no life demands, and i can finally actually live my life. i can finally really, truly, RELAX, and unmask, and feel free of judgement or pressure to be or do anything. it's so rare that i allow myself to go into that state though, because of what i've seen other commenters mention: it's not really "safe". i'm most vulnerable, most unmasked, and have most access to my own thoughts, feelings and signals during this time, which is dangerous. it means i'm at my most sensitive. it means anything could disturb me and disrupt my regulation. the transition to leaving safe mode sucks so much that i, and i think many others, just don't feel like allowing ourselves to go into it in the first place.
i'm realizing as i've been unmasking that in truth, i could never truly mask well or cope well. i was just always in a deer-in-headlights state the moment i stepped outside, and people couldn't tell what was actually happening to me in order to get through being afraid and not knowing how to navigate or cope with the world.
I really relate to all of this. This is exactly why I need so much time alone, and why I can't ever feel relaxed outside of my own home. Even then I'm worried a neighbor could knock on my door. I feel like my ideal life is almost completely isolated from human society.
One of my special interest is creative projects such as crafting some props or writing books, but when I engage in such projects, I feel a strong need to spend a lot of time on it without interruptions. I understand now that it's because the only way I'm able to be that creative is in safe mode. If I'm interrupted to often when in that mode, I burn out and after that I can't go back to the project I was working on anymore, I have to start a new one. After multiple cycles of starting a project, being interrupted to often on safe mode and then burning out, I ended up (without knowing it) not allowing myself to be in safe mode anymore. It removed the distress away by preventing meltdowns and burnouts, but I'm no longer able to be creative or really engage in my special interests anymore, which makes me sad. I never really understood this until I received those words to put on that experience, so thank you.
"safe mode" that's exactly right, I actually have to feel safe because if I don't feels like anything will give me a jump scare, unless I feel really safe I feel like when in an horror movie camera start panning and everything is just too quiet. I think part of the extra irritation when interrupted is that jump scare.
I spend the day in flexible mode and at night once everyone's asleep I employ safe mode and at night is when I do a majority of my work.. You're right. it's so cool to be able to put words to things, it's even cooler that someone understands it. However, I also feel sad that anyone else has to experience it.
Yup, more of my weirdness explained LOL. I do most of my 'safe mode' things at night, practically guaranteeing no interruptions. Problem is, then I want to sleep most the day but 'real world' stuff takes place 9AM-5PM so a lot of forcing myself to wake up. Been this way for years. BTW I'm 65, no kids and no job to deal with.
Oh great point about safe mode at night! I think many of us will relate to this.
Wow, so interesting. I know I have one autistic child, an adult now, and I have been wondering whether I am on the spectrum myself. I am at least a “Highly Sensitive Person”. In any case, it is helpful to learn all I can. This language/description could describe why social settings are so draining, even when they go well. It’s inherently super flexible mode. Also, being a stay at home parent all day; the ultimate forced flexibility! I balance this with long soaks, reading, and thrift shopping alone.
Yep yep! Will be using those terms from now on, as I definitely have a safe and flexible mode as well.
I was so unaware as a new mom. Oh how I wish I was educated in “Me” and these terms I’ve been learning the past couple of years. I would have been a better mom and spouse (and daughter and friend). I did my best and my kids are amazing young adults, but I wish I was more patient. My oldest used to tell me, “Stay calm when things go wrong.” 😭 Such a sweetheart.
Way too relatable… also you talk about the “costs” of being in safe mode, but not the benefits. Like when I’m in safe mode, the things I can accomplish are colossal. The quality and quantity of my work from safe mode is SO much higher, that now that I’m not able to be in safe mode as much as an adult, I feel like I’m constantly mourning what incredible work I could be doing if I wasn’t stuck in flexible mode. Like I can see my peers doing great things while I’m just trying to get by, knowing simultaneously that I have that capacity in me but it’s not being allowed to see the sunlight. I hope that makes sense; I’m just trying to balance within myself the practicality of a deficit perspective versus the validation of noticing and working to my unique strengths. Great video, love having new words to put to my previously mysterious experiences.
I could cry over how much this applies!!!!
I also find that there's different levels of safe and flexible modes. Like when I'm home with my son I almost always have to be in at least a semi-flexible mode (because being a parent, of course lol), but when I'm out of my house in public I have to be in an even more flexible mode. I can only be in a very safe mode when I'm home alone.
this totally makes sense!
i can snap at people when they get me out of "safe mode" i guess.
Mind blown. Oddly I realize my safe space is coffee shops or public city areas? Go out to find movement, be among people, but also alone. I will sit there, think, journal, computer, people watch, for hours. My body needs usually interrupt me. Been feeling the AuDHD vibes.
Well, finally an explanation for why I would be so unnerved at work when the boss would appear at my desk. I frequently would operate in a flow state and then would abruptly lose track. Unsettling.
As an Autistic adult I disagree with what the author states about safe vs flexible mode. "Flexible Mode" reads more like a higher degree of masking and is done by choice. Whereas, "Safe mode" is our recovery mode. But even with these revised definitions we are not a monolithic, nor are we always going to be one or the other.
I agree!
That’s exactly what it is! Masking. But I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to unmask without falling apart! I’m feeling so old and tired! I’m having difficulty understanding who I am outside of temple, but even there I am still masking to some extent. Underneath, I think I’m still too raw. Sometimes it’s just too hard and I get so tired of having to explain ‘me’, and I could go on 😢 I’m sorry 🌸
@@marjiecroston100 I understand! I didnt even know that I WAS masking til I got my diagnosis and I find it hard to not mask because as you say, it gets tiring explaining “ me” …. I basically unmask with my husband and my kids as I don’t have to explain me to them.
@marjiecroston100 unmasking is hard, particularly if you're late diagnosed like me (us?). Not only do we realize the complete lack of acceptance for us as disabled peoples and prejudice that exists against us. The energy it takes is enormous. It's also next to impossible to know the person under the mask and can be financially devastating if you're one of our people who work.
@@Nello187 definitely!
Very much applies to me. I couldn’t explain why sometimes I’m approachable and other times I’m not. This explains it very well.
I know! So many more things make sense now. 🤯
@@MomontheSpectrum The way I feel something similar is as if I have different brain channels and when Im truly in one it is hard to get out of it to enter another, talking is one, sometimes. I would call "flexible mode": "reactive-responsive" mode, it is exhausting. Safe mode is more like flowing in my world...sometimes I see the world outside but I have a hard time "changing channels" to respond to the "outer wold". Does it make sense? Sometimes "flowing channel" is very strong when Im overloaded or over stimulated and in a mild shutdown. I have no energy to response/react to the externals.
This is what prevents me from starting a CZcams channel - I need to be on safe mode to do the things but I'm so rarely in a situation where I can be in safe mode as a homeschooling mom
I get it. Well for what it’s worth, I run my channel out of flexible mode more often than not! 🙂
I label safe mode as time with no "have-to's". Hearing these definitions makes me realize why that need for "no have-to" time is so important. I've always known it gives me a freedom to get deeply into a project and feel happy and fulfilled, but I didn't associate the idea of feeling safe in it.
Strep was often called “ Scarlet Fever” when I was a child. I had it at least twice. I resonated with much of your experiences mentioned in this video. I had a doctor ask me, a few years ago, “ how’s the anxiety?” I was shocked to hear that. I have been dealing with the complexities of being me for nearly 70 years, so I couldn’t even answer. The only mitigating factor I have discovered was when I went low carb. After more than a year, I was surprised when a coworker became verbally threatening and instead of my lifelong anger response ( crying) I stood my ground and didn’t even blush.
All of the this! I’ve always struggled to explain to people why I struggle to get work done when I’ve got an hour between meetings in the office as it’s like I can be interrupted at any moment and it’s just not enough time to actually do anything.
Sometimes I slip a bit too much into that flow state where I want to focus on something and then someone will come up behind me and I jump out of my skin because it was not something I was expecting.
I think that’s why working from home has been helpful as there I know I can’t be interrupted and can just dive right into the parts of my job that I really love.
100%. I think it's hard to get the head around it because for so many years we just learned to function in different situations and adapt accordingly. I was just having a similar conversation with a friend about getting diagnosed and the fact that because I didn't know until my 40's that I am on the spectrum because where I'm from it's almost impossible to get an official diagnosis over a certain age, and didn't realise the problem until my 20's. The response you get is, why do you need to know? You've coped all your life without knowing, what difference would it make?
The difference is, it makes so many other things in my life both now and in the past make sense, where they didn't before.
I think it's the same with is. Putting a name on it, operating in safe or flexible mode makes it make sense and helps identify why I do things. Great video! 👍
Yes it’s sooo frustrating to hear that response of “why do you need to know this now?” It’s like well…do you have any actual idea of what goes on inside my head on a day to day basis? It just seems like such an ignorant question IMO
I'll definitely be reading this book. The author effectively describes every day of my life and juggling the balance between the two modes she defines. Frustratingly, I live most of my work day in "flexible" mode, despite having a research-heavy job. Much of my work requires me to function in safe mode so I end up doing my "real job" after hours and on weekends and navigating through the work day being sociable.
I have been in a third mode lately and that is being disregulated mode. It is the state where almost anything related to uncomfortable sensations or situations will send me into shutdown or complete meltdown. I think this is because I am in autistic burnout. I rarely get to safe mode and flexible mode is so hard to maintain. I feel like I’m cycling between flexible mode, shutdown and meltdown. It is taking a toll on me.
I've been there. It is tough to go through. I was lucky that my most recent burnout, and diagnosis, happened just before the first Covid lockdowns in the UK, so I got to regulate myself during the lockdowns. If I could give you a hug if you wanted one, and a big plate of your safe foods, and my personal noise canceling headphones, and just sit beside you and do parallel activities with you so you had someone there to intercept interruptions, I would.
Don't be afraid to set boundaries with people. Family and friends can unintentionally make things worse. "Boundaries" is my least favorite of all the words. I don't do them well.
Yessssss perfectly worded!! On top of that, 'flexible mode' is equal to 'unsafe' for me at home right now, due to narcissistic abuse. Makes me wanna be I safe mode all the time..
Yes Yes Yes! Hearing this brought tears to my eyes. I realized that I crave "safe mode" and when I have to be in "flexible mode" for too long I start to feel frantic. I need the times of intense focus to ground me and satisfy my intellectual needs, and it does makes me feel safe.
I've had the same difficulty trying to explain this concept, & asking for accommodations, that were never granted. I like the way Professor Richard Feynmann (nobel prize winning physicist who specialized in quantum electrodynamics, and coiner of the word nanotechnology) explained this concept of safe mode as him carefully stacking his thoughts into a pyramid of cards that represents an idea he was working on, so anytime that someone would open, or even knock on his office door, thdy would all blow away.
He said this in a video clip from the 1970s or 80s, and although he was never diagnosed with autism, everything I have ever read or watched by him made me view him as my AuDHD role model.
In fact I have a section of my channel dedicated to clips of the wisdom shared by this great educator, free spirit, & physicist.
I had entirely forgotten about my intention to organize those videos by adding my thoughts on how his advice relates to my own philosophy.
You just described my biggest frustration perfectly, I’ve got way too many projects going simultaneously, and I can’t seem to get into safe mode anywhere. You just describe my biggest frustration perfectly.
Having to constantly be in flexible mode around the kids was a huge part of what made being a SAHM so hard when the kids were little. It took me far too long to realize that I can't do any cognitive tasks when the kids are around.
WOW! Yeah, now I have a phrase for it. I remember being in "safe mode" as a kid and if I was interupted, it was so upsetting that I would have a complete meltdown.
I've just downloaded this book but I've not read it yet, I will when I finish paige layle book 😊
It's full of gems! I've got Paige's book on my nightstand too :)
wow you are not alone. This is me and explains why I snap at people if interupted.
Safe mode for me is the late/early hours of the day. The worst, most stressful and anxiety provoking times are during office hours so I find myself longing for 6pm on Fridays otherwise any commitments even down to simple phone calls have to be on my own terms and arranged in advance where possible so I can be mentally prepared.
Surprises (even what other people would consider to be welcome, happy or fun ones) and unexpected interruptions or contact with anyone other than my kids/grandchildren can be hell on earth.