What to Do When Someone with Dementia says "I Want to Go Home" (The BIG Mistake You're Making)
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- čas přidán 13. 07. 2020
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1- Activities Ideas
2- What to say/do for specific Challenging Behaviors
Thanks for watching! In this video, you'll learn when your loved one or client says "I want to go home", they don't mean the physical place. That is why even if you got fed up enough to take them to the physical place that they would turn to you and say this isn't home, I want to go home.
The BIG mistake most people make is that they respond by saying, you are home or this is your new home if they are in assisted living or memory care. What your loved one or client is actually trying to tell you when they say I want to go home is that they want the feelings of comfort, safety and familiarity that home represents.
Comfort
Comfort means physical (bathroom, sleep,food) or emotional (missing a loved one, a comfort item)
Asking what is at home will help you figure out if they are trying to tell you what they need in that moment. If they are missing a loved one, ask them about how they feel. Often times, our folks just need to get some feelings off their chest to feel better like the rest of us.
Safety
Safety means that they feel unsafe or threatened where they are and want the feeling of safety that home provides. Again, asking for what they need at home will help you figure out. If something is making them feel unsafe
Familiarity
Familiarity means that they are looking for the specific people, places and things that they believe should be there since the world has suddenly turned unfamiliar. What is familiar to them will vary depend greatly on what time of their life they believe they are in. I've seen folks believing they are in their 20's with young kids or even believing they are the children themselves
This one is more tricky than the others as you can't provide them with the specific people,places and things as they remember them. What I've seen work the most often is going along with their reality like the caregiver did in the example,she validated the person and assured her that things are being taken care of.
Hey there everyone! Let me know in comments if you can relate to this.
I agree with your 3 bullets but not the reasons. In my experience they want to go 'home' to a time and place of their childhood as in their mid teen years with their friends and family and familiar surroundings since this is all that they can remember. Definitely was the case for me. Whenever she got away from her present home it was to walk to her childhood home, place and time which in her case was 1500 miles away but was trying to walk there. She could perfectly describe her old home, place and friends she wanted to be with as it was 65 years ago.
Going through this exact situation now .
Agree 💯 and redirect
My mom with vascular dementia says this all day long. It’s so distressing
My Dad was diagnosed just recently but i saw the signs from working in Healthcare for many years.. he is by far the most difficult I've dealt with, it's very frustrating and disheartening and often ask my husband to accompany me because he is quick to lash out at me and recently called me out my name. I could go on and on. Although his personality and demenor is naturally intense.. the new changes makes it much more challenging. It's such a thin line btw them knowing and not knowing until it's not anymore. I'm already burnt out and it truly hasn't begun yet. He lives alone and maintains himself well so far. He totaled is truck Dec 2020 so that adds to his anger that he has to depend on me for rides. Lastly he blames me for the doctors findings.. sorry so long. Guess i needed to vent😢
This disease is horrible beyond words. My heart goes out to all who are caregivers. 🙏
yeah my mom is 71 hasn't been diagnosed with dementia officially doctors says its depression due to losing her partner of 20 years to covid in 2020. but anyways she has been doing this i want to go home I'm leaving for home every day for over a month. she lives in her home has for the last 41 years. i moved back with her to help out she still drives and will pack things into bags food, photos, clothes even bags of tea lol put everything in car and drive around the neighborhood. then comes back to her house and tells me she's moving back here and not going back to the other house. i say ok and we unpack everything until the next morning when it happens again. some days i want to scream
I would try to get her to a neurologist to be evaluated. Often times family doctors aren't equipped to diagnose dementia.
Hey, curious to know have you managed to get her checked by a Neurologist? Or got a Brain Scan (MRI). The symptoms look similar to my Mom's during the onset of Dementia. Depression is also a contributing factor in Dementia.
It was always the third reason. Couldln't do much about it. Just went and walk with her and she led the way to endless walking and no place. My goodness how challenging this was for me. All day and all night long.
My 94 year old mother has stage 4/5 Alzheimers. She had previously lived alone for the last 32 years since my dad died. Mother was stubborn, in total denial and consistently refused all offers of help because she insisted that she could maintain herself and her home. She had carers twice a day for 6 days a week, Adult Social Services and many outside interventions for health and safety to determine her condition. After a fall outside her home in June, mother was finally hospitalised and after stressful stay of 3 weeks, was finally put into a Care Home in August. Mother has called the Home a” dump”, and a “ flat” and wishes to leave every time we visit.She asks constantly if her bungalow and has been sold and how much is it worth. She asks about her car and who has got it now? Mother stopped driving years ago. Mother asks how much is her care costing and who is paying for it. She thinks it is free of charge. We tell her that she is in the best place and that she is there because she cannot look after herself any longer. She agrees to this but still asks that same question on each visit. Her room is pleasant and filled with reminders of her family( photographs etc) but she cannot name many of us. Mother does not particularly enjoy the activities on offer and refuses to participate, high is hardly surprising. She is not depressed or unhappy, just confused and in decline. It’s sad to leave her but far better than dealing with her in the confines of her own home.
. D
Thank you so much for posting this video. My mom has been asking to “go home” for months. Really needed this. 💜
Leslie D. Williams glad this helped you!
None of the usual strategies work. Unmet needs are bogus. All her needs are met, she wants people who are dead. She won't talk about them but demands to see them. She's bedbound now so moving her to another area won't work. Sitting and reminiscing makes it worse, agreeing with her she says we lie. She sees young kids and worries about them. She just wants to be with her late husband and parents and nothing, absolutely nothing is working. Everyday we go through the same routine. Medications have reduced the hallucinations and night terrors but the "I'm going home" phase is just exhausting. She barely eats now and sleeps most of the day but she is healthy in her heart, lungs etc. So we could be like this for years.
Hey Bridget, I’m sorry that this has been such a struggle for you guys. I’ve been there when it seems like nothing is working. It is true that sadly their reality just doesn’t add up to the one the rest of us live in (ie her wanting dead people). It may be an emotional need that is is there that is difficult or impossible to meet. Sometimes giving one plausible excuse to hold them off until the next hour is what needs to be done. Often times, when some of my ladies would insist on getting home to their young children I would say we are all waiting on the doctor to see us (we were in a medical setting so this made sense) and when he does, we’ll all leave. For some reason that consistently worked with virtually everyone that demanded to see dead people. I may needed to repeat that excuse 1x every hour but it usually worked. If all else fails the good and bad thing about dementia is no one behavior ever stays forever, eventually it does pass. Hugs
Also I’ve found that asking them about the delusion/hallucination (max 1-3 questions at a time) will help me know better what to improvise what excuse to give etc. Example, where are this kids? Are they hurt? Ok you stay there, I’ll call someone to get the kids. Seems silly but in such a dark circumstance, I’ll treat it like improv theater. The fear and anxiety is real to them so I do my best to respect the fear that is real but make light of the delusion which is not.
Yep this is my mom now. Constantly wanting to go home at night and asking about her deceased mom and dad. She is 82 and very funny and loves to go everywhere. I redirect her and keep her busy helping me around the house. I pray for everyone who is caring for a dementia love one. Prayers for dementia patients as well. There is hope one day🙏🏽💜
It definitely feels like improv sometimes!!!
Same situation for me. Now it’s turned to where I have to preserve my sanity as opposed to me working around her insanity. When she starts with a delusion I will interrupt with some sort of emergency and say something like, “hold on a minute, I’m expecting an important call from my doctor” or “I have something on the stove that’s going to burn” or “ I think I left the iron on”. Then, I walk away for a bit. Engaging in any way is futile.
Yes!!! My grandmother does this almost daily and it does get frustrating. Thank you for this video
Thank you so much for this! You're wonderful for taking the time to make a video addressing this, so more care givers can help loved ones. I never thought of it as them wanting to feel safe or comfort. What I would try to do before is show them familiar objects in their home, or distract them with an activity, but I will try this!
Me either cause my mom has been doing this this the last few nights over a 2 week span. She's Leslie dressed in her pj 3 purses slippers and I'll agitated and trying to talk sense into this which I know isn't helping.so I have been saying we will do this in the morning or I'll say dad knows your here.my dad passed 13 years ago. Our she's saying she has to go pick me up and ice said I'm here...I just told her sir here and relax. Maybe I'll try the do you want me to sleep in your room. I do know prayer has been working
The acting was super cute
Love your videos. My parents situation seems a bit more layered.
As a daughter it’s really hard to watch my mother care for my father. Especially when he needs to “go back home because the other people are coming back”. My mom asks “what's at the other home?” Dad responds “my wife.”
Mom responds “I’m your wife.”
Dad responds “No you’re not! You’re my sister Pat!
Mom responds with “I’m your wife, we’ve been married 63 years, we’ve lived in this home for 8 years, the home before for 16,… she continues on attempting to convince him of reality. Hers not his. Over time she has managed to calm her tone & temper a bit but this idea that she can/needs to convince him is very draining on her. Not to mention on Dad as well. She seems to have a hard time letting go of this convincing part. When she persists at convincing he begins to get agitated sometimes to the point of packing to leave. Any suggestions that I can pass on to my mom to make this a bit less distressing to them both? Thanks.
You mom is doing more harm then good...
Stress is a big no no in dementia ...she needs to understand ..the disease...is NOT ABOUT CONVINCING IS ABOUT DUSTRACTING,PATIENCE, LETTING GO OF FACTS...
He is in a different reality now, he cannot access the information about the previous reality. Tell your mom she needs to stop trying to tell him he is wrong. Imagine how stressfull it would be if someone constantly argued with you about your own experiences of the world and told you that you were wrong all the time and everything you belive to be true is not, and everything you feel is wrong.. no offence to your mom but she is torturing him mentally. She needs to let go of her own need(ego) to "set the record straight" and just actually care for him by distracting him with things he feels familiar with and/or things he enjoy.
wow i needed to see this...my mom does the exact same things...even the blanket...its been a struggle lately! thanks for this channel.
I'm so glad! Your mom wears a blanket? We got you my friend. All of us in the dementia community are in it together.
yeah, extra layer of warmth and it helps with her anxiety
Emmanuel papadopoulos makes sense as a comfort item for sure
My mom does the blanket thing to but just around her shoulders, like a shawl. I have throws located around the house and she collects them, initially putting them on her shoulders but then they all end up on the end of her bed.
Outstanding video!
I've been a dementia caregiver for 30 years. A few years ago, I had a client who was born and raised in Ireland. She was in her late 80s and said over and over, "I want to go home!" My perception was that a part of her was longing for the "old days" of security and the way things were. Her famiy disagreed with me. They decided to take her one last time to her old home in Ireland, and took her on a very exhausting and stress-filled plane trip back to the town that she grew up in in Ireland. She was there for an hour, was happy to meet old family members but didn't remember them because they had all aged and changed. After the first hour, she began again with, "I want to go home!". Her family members financed a trip to Ireland that was NOT the answer to the client's feeling of going Home. She simply wanted things to be the way that they used to be 10-20 years ago, when life had been relatively care-free. Just something to think about... love to everyone! Elisha
I needed this so many times with clients.
Thank you so much!!!!
Thank you! This is great.
Thank you. I will try this.
Good job thanks for the examples and being straight forward
This was very familiar & very useful. Thanks
Thank you
❤ agree 💯 with the person and redirect.
Thanks for this video, my mom have started to say this
Right. It’s difficult
So important not to ask questions that require memory because it only reminds the person living with memory loss that they are lost. I loved the sketches in this video. Even when the individual does go home for a visit, they are lost and do not care to stay there. This video is on point.
Thank you so much for sharing this video my mother says it all the time now I know how to Handel it better
That's ver great information. Now I'll know how to respond to service users in work 😊👍🏻
Exactly what my mother says.
Yess examples
Jacquelyn Joyce The irony is I’ve actually gotten some hate on the examples. Mostly for the blanket but I literally saw some of my folks with dementia like 2 days ago with a blanket like that on their head. Thanks for watching! Love your videos too girl
You get to the point where you don't recognize the kitchen or when you walk off the porch it feels like a movie scene.
I wish you would make it short and succinct- to the point. But good advice
What if the caregiver wants to go home from all this aggravation from the client?
Haha. What if the caregiver can’t get away because they live with the client?
@@chrisfikes4738 My 98 yr. old mom passed away this last April and towards the end , she repeatedly asked to 'go home' . I took care of her up to her final day so that she wouldn't be placed in a nursing home. She, being a religious person, tells me that 'Going home' was a way of saying that Jesus was her final home.
Charles - I admire you very much for doing that. I know it was not easy. I am not going to be able to keep her with me until the end. She needs 24/7 care and once my dad, the primary caregiver, passes away, I can’t afford the help and I can’t be with her like that. By having them live with us we are stretching this out as far as we can.
I worked in a nursing home n at certain times of the day n they all had thier thing. At around 3:00 every day one would have to go get her kids off the bus n I would say I'm pretty sure your sister is getting them today. That usually worked for 30 seconds but u just say it again! Around 4:00 another one had to go home to fix supper for her husband n I would say I think he's coming here n u r gonna have supper here. She seemed ok with that. The main thing is don't argue with them. It just upsets them n your not gonna win anyway!
Thanks for your video, I try to redirect my mom using these strategies. But now when I try to redirect she responds "you do this to confuse me and make me stay"
How do you handle when they are looking for their parents (Ex) or another dead relative
Thank for the video my wife wanted to go home our old home.
We moved in with our daughter and she don't like it at our daughter house.
I used to take her back to the old house and she remembers everything a bot the house , she wanted to go inside, we went inside before the house was sold.
She didn't want to live I told her is empty but why ? Fixing the roof I told her, she asked me if we will move back I told her when is finished.
This happened before last November we went back 3 more times but after January of this year we stop going back because of Cavid19.
She still remembers the old house she explained about the house, My wife got traumatised from moving out , and now is no redirecting she's not as bad as she used to be but still everyday she just wants to go , now I'm telling her the car needs to be fixed.
Its very hard on our LO and also hard on the caregiver.
Absolutely! I'm so sorry you're going through this and I think you're right about her feeling a sense of loss about her home. I'm not sure how much new information she can take in at this time but if she can understand that the house got sold, it might be a good way to validate her feelings and let her grieve. If she can't take in the new information (you'll know if she can't if she tells you that you're wrong about this and stands her ground), telling her about the car being fixed and might need to be the thing until eventually this phase passes.
@@dementiasuccesspath2239 Hello I told my wife the house got sold and she got angry cry and I had to stop telling her that the house got sold, she didn't want to excepted at all .
So just keep coming up with something new I do hate lying we are going to be married 40 year's this August and I just don't like to be lying to my wife , it's a bad way to have a marriage but she don't want to except that the house got sold. Thank you very much for your time .
Jozef Lak I understand where you’re coming from. Maybe something you could try is asking her what at the house she wants or needs. That might help you come up with a good distraction or way to meet her need that she thinks her house is going to get her and not lie to her about the house. You have to do what aligns with your values
Helpful video. How do you respond when they are at your home and keep asking I want to go home clearly when they are not capable of staying by themselves any longer and there is no one to stay at her house with her and take care of her?
This makes perfect sense. Client got upset & began saying this. Luckily I had bought her a baby doll the day before. She took immediate comfort & told me her sister had one just like it. She named the doll after her sister. A blond hair blue eyed doll she said looked just like her😍
My clients cant express any further what they want or need after.. I want to go home. Nothing passifies them
What are some of your suggestions for redirecting a person with dementia when they rightfully want to leave a memory care (lock down) facility to go home or elsewhere because they are unhappy or for any number of fair reasons why they may want to leave?
Giving them the language to express themselves their feels like “That sounds hard, I’m with you” or give them an explanation that would make sense to them as why they can’t go right now. Then give them a “job” or task to help you with
@@dementiasuccesspath2239 Thank you!
My 80 year old mother with moderately advanced dementia asks daily to go home. She says she needs to see her parents, that they are waiting for her. She was especially close to her father and frequently talks about needing to see him. How do I address this need specifically? Currently, I try to tell her that her parents know she is with me and that it's ok if she stays for awhile...this works for a bit but she always comes back around to the same request to go home.
I know when I say it and I start saying I wanna go home over and over. I really just want my parents back and I want things to be back the way they used to be like at my mom and dad's house and of course there's no way I can recapture that or bring them back or anything butI get caught there
This was very helpful. My mother also asked to go home a lot. The problem is that she always wants to see her mother, and her mother has passed away because my mother is 86 years old. What do I do when she wants to speak to her mother?
This is the same with my grandmother. The problem is that her old house is literally next door so she tries to leave all the time to see her mom and sister who have both passed. You are not alone and I’m sure there are resources we can find.
@@Anna-vj5hp I'm sure there are, and I've been saying for I don't know how long that I am going to look into it, but I am so mentally and physically exhausted that I haven't bothered to do it.
What was seen in this video is only 1 of so many styles and types of dementua.
My dad got what i called fast onset of dementia because he was in a diabetic coma for 8 hours. He could remember things but the memories were all jumbled up. He was sure that north and south carolina had moved to California. He was always confusing when things happened etc. Plus he was very argumentative and would draw me in regardless how i tried not to.
My mom used to do what the video said. And many times she just wanted comfort. There are many other things she does but we can only agree and move on. Within minutes she has forgotten what she said, did etc.
She has a sister who has rapidly gone down hill mentally and physically. Not only is her memory impaired but she is very delusional. She will talk to the vacuum or see kids on her bed.
It is very sad to watch someone who was once a very intelligent person become a non intelligent person.
If you have a dr that wont address your concerns, find a new dr.
Sorry for the long post.
What are your references to managing these behavior’s?
My particpant is in more progressed stage and is to unable to say many words or do for themselves. They are becoming mor agitated and agressive especially when they have to go to the restroom. What are some examples to help them feel more comfortable and figure out what they desire?
Thank you for this! I'm a caregiver and this helped so much. How about we they say they want to leave? Should I answer the same way? Thank you
I would ask them where they need to go. From there, see if you can assure them in a way that makes sense for their current reality. Let’s say they need to care for their 3 year old ( clearly they can’t do that if they are 90) I would say something like, your husband or the babysitting is watching them while we are doing whatever you are currently doing. Why don’t we do something they enjoy in the mean time. If you don’t feel comfortable lying acknowledging their feelings and saying something like absolutely children are so important. While someone else figures this out why don’t we do something you enjoy or I could use help with x in the meantime
My mother has just been put in a nursing home but in this nursing home there is a specific side that is just for therapy.
She had gotten a very bad UTI and was very dehydrated and had severely low blood pressure. We almost lost her but after a week in the hospital they got everything back to normal except for her weakness and a little confusion from time to time.
She started out just a day and a half ago doing fine but now she's having episodes where she gets very angry even at her own children who are trying to help her and she keeps either wanting to go home or just getting mad and wanting everyone to leave her alone.
She especially can't stand for anyone to help her with anything having to do with using the bathroom or changing her clothes and etcetera.
Tonight she lashed out and got angry at me (her 51 year old son) and two nurses at the facility like she has never been mad at me before.
She has been taking a lot of this frustration out on my sister who is with her more often and they live together who is an adult.
Mom is 74 and we just need to get her strengthened so she can move about again on her own without much help and she will be able to come home.
We have agreed that if they can just work with her for two or three days we can get her a therapy nurse or someone to stay with her at her home while my sister is working.
We just can't keep her calm enough to just get through two or three days of the therapy while we are getting her coverage to approve paying for someone to be at home with her.
I'm just worried that these little sundowning episodes as people have been calling it might have her falling while trying to get up and get out of the facility in the evening.
The supervisor at the facility seems to think the UTI she had might not be fully healed from all the antibiotics they gave her at the hospital or that she might have developed a second one. All of the doctors and nurses have told me that the infection can cause memory problems.
😢
Comfort item = photo album...
Photos of family...
I know you posted this years ago, but it struck a chord that I have to address. As a younger stroke survivor (I was 34 at the time), I spent a lot of time in a nursing home unable to speak well and with very limited mobility. The strategies of the nurses who cared for me in the nursing home seemed to be...... I was lied to and promised things that were not followed up on, just so I would shut up and stop bugging people. Maybe they assumed I'd forget about my needs and give up asking. Placating and patronizing people may give caregivers the results they seek, but its not right or ethical. Sorry for my bluntness.
A stroke survivor is very different than a person with dementia. It was inappropriate for them to have treated YOU that way. Lying to people with dementia is different. If, for example, a person with dementia has forgotten their husband died, and they ask about them repeatedly and you tell them he's dead, they will experience finding out their loved one is dead EVERY SINGLE TIME. I can't imagine a more horrible thing to do to someone. Generally I try to avoid outright lying by saying something like "I'm sure he's fine." As a Christian, I DO believe he's probably just fine. I'm sorry that the facility where you were did not treat you appropriately for YOUR diagnosis.
"What is that home that you need (to get to)?"
My patient 94 y/o says he does not want to go Home. (he had a bad childhood)
He asks if he can stay here... (Which has been his Home since 40 years) What would i respond?
What if they’re at the nursing home, for their own good, and they keep saying that they wanna go home, is it a good idea to have them visit for the day or not?
I asked moms dr about this and he emphatically said NO. Taking her home would make it worse. She needed round the clock medical help and if she ever went home, we would never get her back tothe Alf.
Your missing something. Sometimes they just need a change of scenery or want to move. In those cases. Car rides , walks, physical activity in another area like the yard or another room.
That may well be the case for some people but not the case for all. I took my mum out regularly from her Care Home but the nurse told me she played up as soon as I left. I think she believed she was going back to her normal life but reality set in when she was back in the Home.
☺💪
Another helpful strategy is if a patient had pets and they are no longer with her to get her a stuffed dog, cat etc..
Is saying to call her husband ( passed away many years ago) confusing her more
Not for my mother. I have saved messages on my phone that I asked my dad to make. He is telling my mom that he is on a business trip. It is very soothing to her. If your loved one’s spouse is still alive, I highly recommend this.
What to do when someone with an easily provable pentagram made of wrinkles with the number one inside it says he wants to go home...
Er..obviously let him go home... Obviously....