“We Tolerate You. Isn’t That Enough?” How A Father Grew To Embrace His Queer Son.
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- čas přidán 21. 01. 2020
- When Peter Zook came out to his family, it wasn’t quite warmly received. Microaggressions abound and he was made to feel as though their tolerance of him was all he deserved. After some healthy distance and with a little bit of time, Peter and his parents eventually adopted a more nuanced understanding of each other, and grew to appreciate each other more as a result.
"You can't Vote for Bush our son is gay! " it's such an iconic quote
“There’s a difference between being tolerated, and having rights”
-Kraut
I love Kraut's content.
A good parent loves his children unconditionly
The ones closest to us, can hurt us the most.
They always are because those are the ones we have no Defense against.
@@reddragon6964 Yes, although I did try. In the end I found being alone wasn't too bad. Thanks.
especially, when they are gay themselves.
And we can hurt them back
@@dougn2350 Only if you get in early. Sometimes the sods die early on you and leave a bitter taste. And sometimes, they are so stupid, no reason will ever prevail. Cheers.
It was hard for me to hear him describe that moment, so I can't imagine how he felt when his dad told him, "We tolerate you."
My parents are the exact same way, it hurts a lot that they won’t change
DritaFan1 It was never out of the question. By “changing” I just wish that they would come to accept me instead of “tolerating” me like how he described in the video. And, I try not to be selfish. Good day mate
DritaFan1 So, in turn, for you, being gay is a “destructive lifestyle?”
DritaFan1 For the record, not all LGBTQ folk have sex outside of marriage, according to the definition of fornication. But thank you for the info
DritaFan1 that’s nice, but anyone can raise children. Just saying. :)
One thing you learn real quick about asking Family/Friends to keep your secret about being Gay is they rarely do because they just don't appear to understand how deeply personal it is. It's NEVER enough to 'Just Be Tolerated' by someone who is supposed to love and accept you unconditionally. I used to envy people who were totally accepted by their Family/Friends but as I got older I came to realize that it was much more important for me to accept myself than it was for anyone else to.
Reddragon696 YUP!
You are absolutely right!.
I told my sister and she told her best friend. It was upsetting, at first. Then, after careful reflection, it occurred to me that as difficult as it has been for me to accept myself, as transgender, I should remember that she too needs to process and work through this change. It can be rather radical. I really appreciate people sharing their stories. It helps to know that I am not alone.
@@sarahelizabeth7638 I can understand that and it has a lot to do with when you grew up. When I first came out it was still illegal in America to be Gay so I felt that trusting someone with my 'secret' and then having them tell others not only violated a Confidence but also put my Liberty at risk. Unfortunately, even today although one doesn't have to worry about being arrested they do have to worry about being subjected to physical harm. In trump's 'New America' it has once again become dangerous to openly be oneself in some circumstances. Being Outed can still cause a person to lose their Job and their home in some states such as Texas where I was born and still reside. I've just never felt that it was Right under any circumstances for someone you trust enough to tell such a personal secret too and then have them turn around and expose that secret to someone else without your permission. I had a Best Friend that had been my friend for 18 years when he found out. He was okay with it and it didn't appear to affect our friendship. Several months later he then bowed to pressure and told his wife. Although she initially pretended it was alright with her, she immediately forbid him to ever be alone with me again and eventually demanded that he choose between her as his wife or me as his friend. You can guess which one he chose. It may seem like a small indiscretion to violate a Confidence but, it can have some 'Real World' consequences.
@@reddragon6964 you are absolutely right. That must have been horrific to come out when it was so dangerous. I used to live in Dallas and would go to Oak Lawn and Cedar Springs Road. It was a great area that I could not afford. But the stories in the area were difficult. There were old laws on the books against being gay in Dallas. That's the road that I think they usually do the pride parade on. I almost bought a condo there but found a better deal elsewhere. Texas has been a hard state in many ways. It seems that it's getting to be a little harder now, from what I hear.
I can't imagine rejecting my son over his sexuality. Why would who he chooses to sleep with affect my view of him or my love for him.
I like your message about love. But one thing is the person you sleep with (which could be a choice), and a different thing is your sexual orientation (which you cannot choose).
Leandro Gasperi
But everyone should have the right to sleep with who they want, as long as both parties are of the age of consent and consenting.
Dude, you’re a great parent & I’m sure you & your son will grow together as a family.
Sadly, many of the people here don’t have parents like you & some parents here don’t think like you. Hopefully you change that part of them.
@@reneebear3641 Yes, that's true! I agree. What I meant is that a sexual orientation is not a choice. And it's not determined by who one sleeps with.
@@leandrogasperi3669 ...well, actually, it is. But I think you and I are on the same page here.
Peter...My heart is so heavy, & I'm trembling...Too bad you weren't our son...our friend...our family...We don't know you, but we have genuine love for you...
Great story! It took a little teeth pulling to get my dad in particular to come around. He’s a military guy, shocker right?
"We tolerate you."
"Fine. Then I will tolerate your tolerance."
Tolerance, I assume is when they are fine with but. They know... but we dont ever talk about it... OMG, I just realize that its not even tolerance.
I never felt I could talk to my parents about being gay. I wasn't so much afraid I'd be kicked out. It was more like I was afraid that they would not truly understand or accept me, and thus not truly love me, even if they said they did. I grew up hearing that I could talk to them about anything, but I herd the unspoken message, except about being gay, or a few other subjects. I felt they wouldn't listen or understand, and would insist on what they thought was right. I was a good kid mostly, not rebellious much, and I grew up way too controlled and limited and overprotected. I grew up in. a religious family. So I was so steeped in what was mostly a loving home, that I didn't often rebel or insist on being heard, on my own way. And I didn't come out. I lived with bullying at school and homophobia all around, but mostly unspoken at home and at church. It was still there though. I am not sure now why I didn't get fed up enough to come out. There wee rumors at school; plenty of people (fellow students) assumed I was gay. (There were clues that it was true, besides.) It shows how repressed we can be, that I didn't get so upset or fed up to come out anyway. I didn't know anyone I thought I could tell or talk to, even though I spoke to one teacher because a friend was getting bullied so bad, I thought he was going to get seriously hurt. When I watch videos of people coming out, around my age or any younger, it helps, but it also frustrates me. And I don't know what would have reached me back then. I wish some friend would have helped. I wish I'd known for sure I could've talked to a friend. I also, yeah, wish I could've found a friend to try things out with. I think if that had gone well, it might have done a lot to help me feel better about it. If friends had really talked to me and let me know it was OK with them if I was gay, that might have helped too. No one ever did, and you always hear the advice, not to confront someone or out them, let them come out when they are ready. But I think some of us need a friend to reach in and help us get out of that closet. I wonder if anyone I knew would have supported me with a place to stay or a friendly ear. Surely someone would have, but I wasn't sure. I loved my parents, but in this, I was too freaked out to talk to them, to come out. At one point, my parents knew I was having problems, and asked what was wrong. My mom took me out to lunch and another time, had a friend over and tried to get me to talk, but oh, I was too freaked out, too scared of rejection, too steeped in what I'd grown up with all around, that homophobia, to think that I could talk to them. -- The real kicker? I think I'm not unusual in my generation for how I grew up, and for coming out later, once my parents were gone. I wish people would talk about this more. I feel sure it was common for my generation, and I think homophobia is still so prevalent that I think what I went through is probably still common for today's youth. (Context: I was in high school and college in the 1980's. I'm now in my mid-50's and not ready to be middle-aged.) This one part of my life has always been too unfulfilled, too blocked. There's the added complication that I'm handicapped, always have ben. So...I just wish my life could have been different, and I wonder what it would have taken to make it so, to have been better, and to get to somewhere better now and in the future.
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish things were different when you or I were growing up. Luckily things are changing for the new generations.
Hey Ben, know that you’re not alone. Yes we grew up in an interesting era, where lots more options were publicised but conversely where it was much less tolerated to actually take on one/ any/all of those lifestyle options.
I am a bisexual, First Nations, disabled, pagan, green, goth mother... each of those identities except for mother I had to fight for within a conservative family and neighbourhood. My family tried to pretend there was no ancestry taint. They tried to minimise my disability. They even promised me a TV for my university flat if I joined the conservative political party and a car if I joined their church...
Ironically, my chosen community was extremely unsupportive about me becoming a mother!
My kids are young adults now. I hope they feel they can talk openly with me about whatever concerns them; even if their choices do not align with my own.
It was hard for people of our age group to be heard, but we opened the ways for today’s young people to make real choices and to be legitimised in the wider community.
oh hun so sorry for that I have a son and he's only 5 but I've always told him it don't matter what your sexuality is it's what's inside and always do and if he comes to me and says I'm gay I really do not care as long as he's healthy and happy that's all that matters to me and hopefully there's a wedding in there to
Kara James Too early for 5... although a lot of kids knew they were gay at 5-7. But you are still being very cool. Lucky child.
I know exactly where you come from. It's sad but I refuse to let them bring me down any more. I say let people wallow in their ignorance. I don't waste my these people anymore.
My dad used to pull the same BS with me a few years after i came out. He'd see some female on TV or in public and ask me if I thought she was pretty or just stating something sexual about them. I would say "Nope, I don't think so. But that guy she was walking with was". He stopped trying after that😁
So sad that your parents couldn't be parents to you. I could never tell my son that I tolerate him. I love and respect him for the person he is. Much love to you.
Hello. I've just a question. I'm not completely sure how it is in English, but in Spanish you can use the word "tolerate" for a stomach ache or any kind of pain or someone bothering, for example. So it's horrible to be said that you are "tolerated", without having done anything wrong! Is it the same in English?
@@leandrogasperi3669 It can be used that way in English! But in general in English "tolerate" might be a little less negative (like ambivalent, uncaring, neutral). I think the closest synonym to tolerate in english is the phrase "to put up with".
@@kurootsuki3326 Thank you!!
I made gods out of straight that gave me tolerance. Tolerance was such a big deal then. I’d give all the love in the world for tolerance. The result of which could be devastating.
Only acceptance is enough.
Only unconditional love is enough.
Very intelligent man. I admire your strength. I know from where you're coming
Hey. I love the " you need to let them be who they are if you want them to let you be you. That's amazing.
Sounds like a compromise. But sadly, I kinda live by that too.
YOU ARE A GREAT GUY!
FROM THE COMMENT'S, YOU ARE LOVED BY MANY. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.MUCH LOVE*
"Tolerated"..... Yeah... 😕😕
And all U want is a lil 💕💕💕 and understanding.
When I was 12 in 1969, my father told me that, if I ever turned out to be gay, he would kick me out of the house and disown me. When he died, I was 35 years old, he knew I was gay, but we never once discussed it. Shortly before he died, he told me that he loved me - the one and only time he ever did so in his entire life.
When a parent is willing to get on a plane at a minute’s notice from their son because the son is having a tough time, that should be commended, regardless of the son’s sexual identity. I’m speaking about an adult daughter/son. Videos are sometimes difficult to digest because of the editing. I wish he would have shared something about appreciation, not just implied but rather verbally communicated. Because this videos are intended to support our youth, sharing how to communicate verbally what they are feeling can open the communication that too many times is lacking. Use your words to express your emotions. Thanks for sharing such a inspiring story about change and understanding. 👍🏽
"You can't vote for Bush, our son is gay"
Oh my days, your mam is awesome! I literally love that quote 😂😂😂😂👌
Parents can be ignorant tho especially because of their homophobic upbringing, sometimes we have to cut them some slack and educate them on things, most times we see a turnaround in their character
My parents don’t want to be educated:(
Mikayla Is A Windmill
Sadly, many people choose blissful ignorance.
You look so handsome
just basically a resistance to understanding their own homophobia and our experience
@Nathaniel showing or have beliefs of prejudice against LGBTQ+ community
What a beautiful man you are. Keep strong and hold fast to your beliefs. You my friend will go far in life. Wish I had a friend like you when I was coming out in high school! Much love to ya!
Well spoken, Peter. Hopefully this vlog can help some others.
Thank you so much for sharing. This is very good to hear. I would point out that there are dysfunctional relationships in all types of families. It is part of Being Human. We Embrace those relationships that are working well, work on those relationships that need work, and discharge those relationships that are hazardous and toxic. This is our survival and we deserve to survive. It takes time for relationships to adjust and adapt, when they are able to. This is why it's good to learn patience, acceptance and love. Sometimes people must work through tolerance before they reach acceptance. Best wishes to you and your family.
I’m not into guys, but he has really nice eyes. As bright as a grassy meadow
Then you just need 5 vodka shots to see more, lol.
He is cute for sure.
@@eduardochavacano 😂😂
Wow! What courage!!! Keep it up!!!!
Awwww I want to hug you. You deserve happiness with whomever you love. I'm so happy for you and looks like dear old dad LOV3S YOU NO MATTER WHAT😉😉😉💓💓💓💓
This is a great and beautiful story! I’m lucky to have had a very loving and accepting Father and Mother when I came out at 16yo. Keep this message alive. 🤓🤣✨👑
philly is my home town. glad you found a safe place there. and thank you for your story!!!!
"idk read a book or something" lmao rekt
It took twenty years for my parents (well, my Dad, Mom already accepted me early on) to accept me fully as their gay son. Unfortunately, my parents divorced at the twenty year point (1999), and Dad took my two younger Brothers to Idaho, where they joined up with a white supremacy group... and they stayed. And that's the last I ever heard from them, another twenty-something years later. Fine by me. I won't have anything to do with haters, and my life is better without them,
I'm very glad to hear that you got tolerated!
Love those glasses!
Sending hugs and love 💓🙏🌹
I was the best kid a family could ever have. Respectful, kind, generous, hard working at both of my parents businesses, good grades, NEVER in trouble EVER! I was beaten and dumped at 19. Unfortunately I now even 40 years later have HUGE trust issues. I lost my extended family as well and basically never had enough faith again to love and be loved.
Ouch - that's heart wrenching. You have good years left. I hope you find love.
We tolerate you. The stark contrast of the cold indifference in the room compared to the heat from my blood boiling. I would have made sure they would never have tolerate me ever again.
This is a wonderful, heart-felt. personal story. Thanks for sharing. I do, however, have an issue with "tolerate". I tolerate visiting the dentist. I (nearly) tolerate the people in the supermarket. We do not want to be tolerated. We want to be accepted. This didn't happen in my family until my parents died.
Lol in the beginning he's like "tough crownd"
I had to come out to my dad. And I don't know WHAT I was thinking, but I thought I could come out to him through my STEP MOM, because he told me if there's anything I want to tell him, I should approach her too (so that she'll feel important and I could build a relationship with her).
If I could go back in time, I would beat myself up for even considering the idea let alone executing it. I told her I'm gay and I wanted her help to come out to dad. She told me it's just a phase and that for the time being, she'll tell dad, but that I shouldn't tell it to my aunt (my step mom still believes it's something to be embarrassed about and that my aunt is as narrow minded as her, besides she knows my aunt is really supportive of me, but she doesn't like her)
Sure enough, she told my dad about it.
And then she told my GRANDMA to pretend to be the perfect daughter in law who wouldn't keep secrets from her mother in law 😭😭😭😭.
But surprisingly, Grandma called me to her side when step mom wasn't around and she told me, "Never, ever trust her with anything again."
A range of emotions wrecked havoc inside me then. All my life I'd always doubted how the dearest people on my life would take it.
I always thought they'd be heavily disappointed....turns out my dad, my real mom, my sister, my cousins, my aunt (who had the calmest, and most supportive reaction of them all, as opposed to my step mom who told me I shouldn't come out to her), everybody except step mom accepted....
But that isn't why I'm mad.... I'm furious she had the nerve to tell my grandma after she promised me she'd tell this to my dad alone.
Fortunately, things seem better now...I just want my closest family to understand that I'm not getting married.
(I really understand that they'd be slightly sad I wouldn't get wed here in India, but at least they still love me and don't treat me differently!)
You tolerate the kid that’s always in trouble and dragging you you in.
The responsible empathetic child of the world who is always self sufficient is a keeper.
Tolerate=we'll defend you but not support you.
We tolerate you, isn't that enough? No, if it's not enough for any other person, why would it work for him? It's not enough for anyone.
Mate i hope you are in a better 'world' now ! Have you found a good man to be with ?
Some times the reward is not worth the effort. Learn to say goodbye.
Imagine saying that to any child?
❤️
"Honor the wish. Accept the reality" is my new favorite quote
Gosh, he had to know the answer to that question before he asked it. I'm sorry you had to go through all that just to grow up and get away and make a life for yourself. I am also super shy and awkward and my folks are hyper religious and so my mom will never accept it. She just ignores the subject and so do I.
Lol my mom tried to gain total control of my lease so she could kick my boyfriend out (who pays 50% of the rent) if we broke up all because I asked her to co-sign...welp.
That's not funny, it's sad.
@@paulghencea9037 eh if you don’t laugh you cry
It can take someone years and years to accept their own sexuality, to expect family members to instantly accept it i think is a little bit unreasonable.
It’s reasonable for a kid to take time to figure themselves out it’s not reasonable for an adult to be so ignorant of the world that the best they can do is “tolerate” their son just for being gay. Acceptance is not something that anyone should have to fight or suffer to get
Hello. I've just a question. I'm not completely sure how it is in English, but in Spanish you can use the word "tolerate" for a stomach ache or any kind of pain or someone bothering, for example. So it's horrible to be said that you are "tolerated", without having done anything wrong! Is it the same in English?
yes it is. 😟
1st time i haven't been a year late, im only 6 months late:)
Oh wow
He never said why he needed one of them to come out and take care of him..was he sick ?
He mentioned his job, I assume stress got the better of him. Technically irrelevant info, though.
So @ 01:45 I'm already angry at his family but I know it's a learning curve for everyone.
Finally proof that therapist are just as fucked up as me
Such an inspiration plus heart felt sorry you are not here in Jamaica
Jamaica is one of the most homophobic countries in the Caribbean
In 1980, I head of the Republican party in College, I'm still a Conservative Republican, my Ex is Mexican, I no need to come out
Rod McKuen would say words similar to the following at the end of every act. Instead of tolerating the LGBTQ+ community read the following. "It does not matter who you love or how you love, but that you love. The good in man is God made manifest and loving is the contribution to that good and to that only God. For in the end the act of loving anyone is the act of loving God."
My mom did the same thing. Both of my parents were professional classical musicians and they had met their share of gay people, many of whom were their friends. So they didn’t expect me to suddenly become some different person. My mother was quite excepting; she even said, “I’m sorry you thought you had to hide it for this long.“ then she said, “you know, sometimes I actually wonder about your dad…“ I answered, “Mom? Can I be out for like, 10 minutes before we start dragging Dad out of the closet?”
But I did ask her to let me tell my dad, because it was still an adjustment. The next day at breakfast, I noticed him looking at me in a different way. As if he were trying to see something that he hadn’t seen before. He went downstairs to warm up the car, and I said, “Hey… Did you say something to dad?” “ well… “Yeah, I did say something,” she said. “I know you didn’t want me to, but I thought it would be easier that way.”
“Easier?“ I hadn’t really thought about how I was going to tell him, and now I had to go down and ride to town with him.
“Oh, I told your brother too.“
“Argh!”
It went OK actually.
That sister. WTH. Rude.
I would be honoured if my kids were gay.
His parents are not parents......you love your children whatever good or bad we all entitled to live our lives as we please. About time these disgusting bigotes disappeared .
His dad dropped everything and flew to take care of him. His love for his son is apparent
I am very conservative, voted for our beloved President Trump, am pro life and would love and support my sons NO MATTER WHAT. They are a part of me and always will be.
This young man hits the nail on the head when he says he needs to let his family be who they are. Many gay people get angry at straight people for feeling things differently then them. As long as we accept each other we are allowed to think and feel differently.
God bless ALL of our children . ❤️
But your vote for Trump doesn't support your professed love of the gay community. www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/trump-may-want-you-to-think-hes-lgbtq-friendly-dont-be-fooled/2019/08/20/c2b7a7be-c36b-11e9-b72f-b31dfaa77212_story.html
Hey, who doesn’t want to be tolerated?! Every child’s dream is to be tolerated. Ugghhh...
Oh, no!! It's horrible to be said that you are "tolerated", without having done anything wrong! I'm not sure in English, but in Spanish you can use that word for a stomach ache or any kind of pain or someone bothering.
Why is the word "like" anywhere in this piece?
He takes a lot for granted.
Why oh why do so many guys tolerate their families ? Move out get your own life and enjoy it - you don't need your parents approval to validate your life.
At birth, we are guaranteed only two things: Suffering and death. Beyond that, we all need to live as we can to survive it all. If others "tolerate" us, sometimes that's all we can ask.
@Trump’s A FatAss you do what you gotta do
Do you have a speech impediiment?
I love your videos, and this story, but i would like to see more LGBT+ people of color
Irony: I used to think George W Bush was a terrible President. Then came Trump! 😟
W was probably worse. In the number of people he killed
This may get a lot of hateful comments from people, but I don't feel that it is important for gays to make it a point to shove their sexuality down their parents throats. I am transsexual, and even at the age of 50, I don't go around my parents wearing makeup or women's clothing. It's called respect! I respect their heterosexuality and their beliefs about it and I am not going to try and make them understand or accept anything that is contrary to what they believe even if it costs them having a place in my life. I have had a separate life from my family for 30yrs. and even if I were to die today, they would have no idea of the friends that I have encountered along the way. It's bad enough that they have to live with the fact that I won't be producing grandchildren, but having to see me with another man and running around in a dress should be enough. I'm not ashamed of being who I am, but just more respectful to the people that brought me here. Being the poster child for gaydom is fine for some folks, but staying in my lane is fine for me.
That's fine if that's what you want to do but their never going to exept you if you treat being you like somthing bad that should be hidden but if that's what you want to do that's ok but I'm guessing it was a while ago that you told your parents and the world has changed since then. the megortoy of LGBTQ+ people don't just want to be tolerated we want to be treated equally I never want to have to hide my sexuality to make others feel better I think it's ok to not support someone but you should respect people for who they are, btw this wasn't a hateful comment just a 14 year old sharing her opinion
Just curious... did you vote for trump? Both times?
An interesting story but why on earth does this intelligent nice man have to splatter his interview with the word “like”, as if this was vital connective tissue to make a sentence?! It’s mostly an irrelevant word! And presents this interview as if it were a script from a bad episode of “Friends”
I guess that's just the way he talks. Maybe you could "tolerate" it.
CaliforniaHuman you are probably more forgiving than me! I hate to see the English language mangled and brought down to the lowest common denominator! It’s the same as peppering every sentence with “you know”. It’s unnecessary and can be be corrected. The use of the word “like” in every sentence, isn’t just restricted to this man, it’s an epidemic!
This title is wrong. He is gay! Not queer! Stop trying to force this harmful word!
Always want more...were fine with it..why push it with flags n books,,,and pronouns and men are women and women are men...live ur life..dont push it on others....there is only 2 genders...and you cannot change your sex....period
i am gay. i am a Republican!
Why? What does the republican party offer you on any level?
So you're only in your early thirties ? Forgive me, but you appear substantially older than that. Are you taking care of yourself properly? You look closer to fifty at least.
So you thought you'd come on here to watch a video about someone's journey to self acceptance, and pile on with your own judgment of him? That's pretty twisted.
CaliforniaHuman
Quite a monicker you've chosen for yourself, weeping willow. The "Golden State" is indeed the home of whiney, weak pussified liberals. The gay male community needs LESS wimps like you.
@@paulchristman2456 stop with the attack, clearly rehearsed!
Yeah know....I don't need to be educated on this topic. Its wrong no matter how u slice it. If one of my kids told me they where gay, I would not love them any less but would not approve of their lifestyle. Us straight ppl have the right not to except it, but y'all go off the deep end when we don't. Your the one's that bring the heart break to the family.