How to let go of being a "good" person - and become a better person | Dolly Chugh
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- čas přidán 22. 11. 2018
- What if your attachment to being a "good" person is holding you back from actually becoming a better person? In this accessible talk, social psychologist Dolly Chugh explains the puzzling psychology of ethical behavior -- like why it's hard to spot your biases and acknowledge mistakes -- and shows how the path to becoming better starts with owning your mistakes. "In every other part of our lives, we give ourselves room to grow -- except in this one, where it matters most," Chugh says.
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I want to be a better person in my life. I apologize to all whom I have hurt through gossip, mean words and in any other way).
Haha
great, now you just should tell that to the people you have hurt! I feel like people often have a deep want to be good and do have good will, but easilly we end up growing our own egos.
You can't hold on to the past, but you should learn from it.
Hey Lauren. Are you still trying to be a good person? I am too. It's the most difficult thing I've ever tried to do.
Same
I have this quote: "You're better off always improving than momentarily being the best."
So if you have to choose: be better, not good.
I think the same thing lol
So you're saying it's better to be born a psychopathic serial killer and then become a better person, rather than being born a good person and stay the same?
Stupidest thing I've ever read.
@@asd2640 where did u get that from- ;-;
@@serena7819 " be better, not good" seriously, this quote can misunderstand some people like asd.
@@asd2640 I agree with you and disagreee with you at the same time. I think Ozzy Explains have good ideas of what he wants to comment on, but he should make his comment longer and explain the phrase with more details. Other than that, I surprisingly agree with your comment.
Because it is really cluelessly stupid that being better instead of being good can lead to people improving super cruel choices to just a bad choice. FOR Example, such as firstly, you kidnapped and drugged someone to death. BUT, the next 3 years after got out of jail, You somehow still steal some drinks and foods from any store nearby.
So yeah, that is how I agree with you that it is in someway stupid to just get an advice
" Be better, not good." and it can lead to indirect conflicts that could eventually lead to death from just an advice o improving something instead of being directly good.
BUT from my understanding related to this video, It also means try to improve as much as possible on your daily basis in life and have self initiativeness rather than only sticking to only what you know all the time.
So, that is my agreement with your comment and my disagreement. Hopefully, you can take my comment as a solution of help for yourself.
Basically, our attachment to the "good person identity" makes us defensive and retaliatory. We don't strive towards improvement because we relate to that identity too much. An unhealthy attachment.
Solution: accept when you err. Take feedback and improve. Don't fit yourself into definitions that block growth.
🤣
1)self-acceptance ✔️
2)self-improvement✔️
3)feedback of thyself✔️
I"ve learn so much this passed days, i'm working on my self to be a better person than what i was yesterday.
Me tio
How do you feel now ?:)
It's a gradual process, thanks to you for saying it out loud. We all need to do it!
Thanks again!
Yay, thank you!
How's your journey?✨
don't try to be a good person, just try to be a better person today, than you were yesterday. If someone calls you out for problematic action/behaviour... that's just an opportunity to be better
Well said and it covers the vast majority of the territory but there's only really 1 chance in ℵ1 that a drug addict can utilize that principle successfully.
Isn't being a good person a part of being a better person?
@@asyncasync but how do you define good? Someone with absolutely no flaws? Someone with as many flaws as virtues? 75-25 split between flaws and virtues?
The definition of good is going to differ from person to person (if they can even decide on a definition, I know I can't). But simple improvement is universal.
Let's put it this way... Is a glass that is 75% full considered full? Maybe... Maybe it should be full to the top before you can call it full... But any drop you add is going to make it "more full"
I didn't say "skilled" or "perfect". I said good. When someone says "good person" they are reffing to their empathy and kindness.
@@asyncasync yeah, but how much empathy and kindness? if I'm kind to my friends but ignore the homeless man we just walked by am I still a good person? some will say yes, some will say no. But if the next day I am both kind to my friends and show empathy to the homeless person, I am better.
This Ted talk is something all of us knew somewhere inside us but ignored. Thanks for giving us the idea to actually let our good-ish part shine
the fact that most people here are is because they’ve done something to upset or offend someone to a degree shows that we’re willing to change and be someone better. good job to you for taking the first step.
omg tysm♥️, i literally make the dumbest mistakes and hate myself for that. i’m just worried that an impression may last, but you are so right, literally have an amazing day
Indeed. Although it didn’t bring me back the friends I loved and got me alone. Guess we all lie down on the bed we made.
Idk sometimes I feel like I am doing the right, but I question myself at times am I a good person?I’m a people pleaser, so I’m always there for my friends and friend,But idk if I’m doing it from the sincerity of my heart or I’m i just making ppl think I’m a good person? Like I feel bad about it sometimes
i’m the same way. you’re not alone, i promise ❤️
Same here, mate. I don’t know either and I always question my actions
I know how you feel i think i am the same way
you are not alone buddy
Unfortunately our society is going in the opposite direction, defining "good people" and "bad people" ever more strictly and placing people into those categories with very little chance of moving from "bad" to "good". Police talk of catching the "bad guys." Our politicians demonize the other side as "deplorables" or "SJWs". Employers fire people for the smallest mistakes. Say one thing on social media that offends someone and face an online mob. Our society has very little ability to see people as messy, complicated individuals-- and to see morality itself as complicated and often unclear, which might make us a little less quick to judge others.
I have my views on this, but that's not what I want to talk about in this post. While you have some points, IMO, your view plays into the trap that society has to endorse more decent behavior for it to be justifiably followed by the masses. Why not simply focus primarily on making one's self like this? In other words, if this view truly is right, why wait for society to follow suit?
Bro. Don’t use big words or long paragraphs. People don’t care about what’s put right in front of them. Society already killed itself... and it took all the good people with.
@@kagemaru397 That's very individualistic of yourself. We live at multiple layers, the individual is only one of them. I would agree that you have to change yourself first to change the other, but changing the other is also something you must do.
@@maixck What if the other doesn't want to change?
So true.
ted talks, but does ted listen? :(
Hits blunt
TMX gaming czcams.com/video/2rjKSz1Zjr0/video.html
🤔😄
Hahaha
wow. that is so logical
*Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.*
Without trubbling others
DiscoverYourAwesomeness love this message but also love your unicorn avi. Horse power!! 🐴🦄
@@DaughtersofOrion Thanks! :)
DiscoverYourAwesomenesshi
I love your name
I just looked at the title, and I already knew I needed to watch this video.
Same
Same
There's this saying that once a person does something "good," they have the feeling of not needing to do it again since they accomplished that satisfaction. Something I've been trying to stray away from for a while. :/
I strongly believe that our need to be “good” is tied to the way were disciplined as children, specifically whether we corrected on behaviour or character. Ive noticed quite often that people hold the concepts of ‘bad’ and ‘incorrect’ inextricably interchangeable within their minds. My theory: they literally cannot err and still think of themselves as good because doing good equates to being good, and mistakes become a moral flaw.
When will Ted come to the talks?
A tip from me:
The most important thing about your behaviour is your intentions and what you do with it.
Because sometimes your intentions for writing a comment/saying something to someone/in gernerally interacting with someone are good, but the way you try to realise your intentions are bad. For example when you discuss with someone in a youtube section. In most cases people state their opinion or say something against your opinion in such a provocative way. You can see that they just try to prove that their right and arent neutral and open minded to get their opinion changed by other perspectives. You could only end this „hatred“ when you criticise them friendly and spread love and try to realise your intentions in the best way, like you would want it by other people.
you can take the scientific nature of this video with a grain of salt and still hold on a couple of great messages that it tries to push through. Be less defensive, open yourself to vulnerability, learn from your mistakes. These are pretty great teachings.
Yeah, I don't know if I believe in "bounded morality," but some of what she said can definitely be put to use.
Let’s try our bests and never stop improving, peeps! WE CAN DO THIS! 💛
Defination of good person:- If you thanked the bus driver then you are a good person.
@Un-broken and victorious woosh
Using Hitler as a reference in this case was juvenile ...
@Un-broken and victorious why are you counting the exception?..dont be so immature ..
I discovered this over the course of three years when I first got to college, I realized that moment I start feeling happy, my mind starts stagnating and I stop learning about being a well-rounded person.
I want to be a good person, not a "good" person, i want to be good and enjoys it, not only a mask so i have friends
Good-hearted people also make mistakes. But good people do not choose to avoid problems, but learn from mistakes and correct them in time. This is the most worthy of my study.
Important distinction, being good vs being seen by others as good.
True 4:45 - 5:50.
Well, Carl Jüng called our evil tendencies the shadow. Unless we are fully aware of our inner shadow we can never become good.
I think that's kinda what she's getting at without actually saying it. Thinking you are good get's in the way of thinking about HOW to be good. So you need to question yourself rather than just thinking you're god, question yourself, look at the bad things you do/think, be conscious of them and try to be better.
She seems to be so excited about what she says and where she does it. Love it.
I'm a social scientist. I study the psychology of good people, and research in my field says many of us care deeply about feeling like a good person and being seen as a good person. Now, your definition of "good person" and your definition of "good person" and maybe the taxi driver's definition of "good person" -- we may not all have the same definition, but within whatever our definition is, that moral identity is important to many of us
I am 36 and regret helping, caring, trying, loving, giving, listening and being kind to everyone. I learnt a hard lesson. Evil people exist but not only. They also think of them selves as good. THEY WILL STEAL YOUR PURPOSE AND WILL TO LIVE.
Amanda Ouellet-Never let them make you regret trying to help others, believe me there are more people like myself who truly appreciate people like you who try to help those among us who're struggling then you realise, we need people like you.
@@sherlockfan2000Agreed! After many ups and downs, I have learned to strengthen my belief that I do not need to change myself based on the behavior of others. I have the CHOICE to be good instead of the opposite, and I picked good! We need to learn how to be good to ourselves when things get hard and you don’t receive the same “out” you put out. Learn that not everyone is worthy of your good, and learn to exercise that on people who matter. I have cut down my circle to 1-2 people who i will be good to with my entire being, and the rest would be lucky to see that side of me.
OMG. This needs to go viral. Absolute genius.
I love how she talks and smile.
Learn to say NO!
No
yes
okay
I refuse.
nope
I found this borderline incomprehensible
I just got called out by a person who I believe cares for me for being mean. It made me cry but he lead to this video and I couldn't be more grateful.
This was incredibly eye-opening!! Thanks a ton for this.
I find often these are dry subjects to deal with, but Dolly Chug has an easy to listen to voice that really helps in understanding the value of the message here. Really enjoyed the lecture, well done.
I really identified with this talk. Thank you
So a friend of mine was riding in a taxi to the airport the other day, and on the way, she was chatting with the taxi driver, and he said to her, with total sincerity, "I can tell you are a really good person." And when she told me this story later, she said she couldn't believe how good it made her feel, that it meant a lot to her. Now that may seem like a strong reaction from my friend to the words of a total stranger, but she's not alone.
Why are you quoting the whole vid? 😅
Insightful and refreshing. Indeed, it's true that within those "either - or" situations, we don't give ourselves room to grow. Well said, ma'am. 💯👍🏻
This is interesting, never thought of it this way. Taking it to the next level. We can always do this in our lives into additional areas.
Me growing up in left wing culture & media, those also there are often very addicted to getting the FEELING "I am a good person" from others, and it is very often totally incompatible with actually considering what actually is good for oneself or others.
Because that FEELING will come because others approve, or you give them what they expect it demand.....so it is a state of being highly emotionally hooked into/addicted & dependant on others, rather than free.
If someone wants clarification, or how to solve that, ask me, either explanation or a link.
Funny thing is she's mostly talking about the left's sensitive topics, internalized racism and sexism xD do you have the links about growing out of that mindset as you promised ?
replying to follow
spot on amigo, thus why i dislike people like that, seeking approval of others by being seen as humble, so pathetic
@@Sela1 I'm going to assume most of those people are not really genuine when they call out offensive behavior. Yes some people do take those serious topics for their own personalized pleasure of approval from others. Herd mentality also can take part in the external validation factor. It's obvious Platypus Paws has grown out of that mindset. A caveman could have figured that out! Also when have they stated they promised anything? If you genuinely believe in women are as equal to men, ending racism etc.. Why do you seem offended? If you believe in something you shouldn't need to prove it. Here are the two links to mob mentality and to social psychology which ties into external validation.
source.southuniversity.edu/examining-the-mob-mentality-31395.aspx
psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/
Thank you so much for this talk. This has helped me enormously.
As much as I want to I know I can eventually become a better person for who I am, I started and made progress, but I need to make the full push to finally be able to come out of it, and hopefully I can actually do it, I can be a better person, I have faith in myself
i was confused about my friend, i didnt know if he was actually a good person, and then i saw your video and now i'm sure hes not! thank u
cool
cool
Haha
I want be a better person . I want be better person to myself. I don’t like to witness people suffering but I realize sometimes it’s made me “bad “ simply because I’m more aware of who I am and who I’m not . I can’t make everyone happy is impossible was best take away . I dunno why we so hard on ourselves to sub-come to that being a destination. I made peace with that I hope it brings peace to all , I done shortcuts it cost me more in long run . Thank you for this advice.
she delivered an interesting speech, i learned, thanks a lot a go head with speeches
Very important topic. Such a shame society at large is struggling to allow people an opportunity to move forward and learn from mistakes by forgiving and moving on.
I've been searching information of different type of people past years out of curiosity and noticed that i've been more likely to be okay with difference. I can't perfectly understand people with different background than me, because i'm not watching world with their eyes, but i've become i guess more understanding towards them. It's also rather comforting to learn more of something that's mystery for you. I'm also given tools such as internet to get to know people of different backgrounds, so why not. I've learned about problems in today's society during my independent research. It's less scary for me nowadays to approach people from all over when i'm aware of how people's environment, culture and other aspects may have affected them and how they may sense me. I know for sure i don't know all and never really will, but it's important for me to spread justice and empathy, because i've seen so much injustice and hate towards innocent.
amazing.
You allowed me to reflect on certain things, like the "either or" concept, which I definitely want to work on. I'm afraid of hurting other people, whether it be friends or a romantic partner, but I shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes. It's not about trying to make mistakes, it's as you said: learning to spot the mistakes and be more aware. We will all keep making mistakes so why not "look forwards" to them, embrace them, accept them, and learn to become better people by taking them as lessons.
Most of us don't mean to harm anyone, but we need to acknowledge that it will happen whether we like it or not. We need to validate the fact that we have hurt someone when it happens and become more aware of how to do things differently in the future.
It's crystal clear.
cross your fingers all the best in your life 🌹🌹🌹
We're social animals - we'll always be concerned about what others think of us. And we're always going to get that hit of dopamine when someone compliments us on a shared social value like 'being good.' Her point is, we can go farther than that.
Mrs. Dolly Chugh, you're a good person.
Thank you.
Thank You Dolly for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you. Greetings from PL.
what a inspiration speech, i really like this
I think why is a better question point than how for those who are sure about their declining humanity. Why does it matter, why should I be a good or better person? People who are already good or “good ish” and are constantly making an effort to better themselves don’t entertain that question as much because they don’t have to. Largely, people understand that things like racist and sexist jokes or subconscious associations are not what defines a person, and their worth. It’s the way you handle things, the choices you make more than the thoughts you have. Negative thoughts are much harder to come back from once you’ve brought them outside your head, and acted on them in your reality. If a person does not have a reason they are happy with and understand to be better they will not be.
In my opinion? There isn’t one. You care because you want to, or you do not. You’re trying or you’re pretending. Not very many actually can’t tell. This is where the difference between good and bad people exists, in why anything matters- how it doesn’t, but you’re supposed to care anyways.
The presence of faith and good supportive people in ones life supplies a lot of that why, no matter how it looks.
Great one
But answered 'what' and 'why'
Didn't answered 'how'
I found the same problem in every philosophical book
I think that fully understanding the problem makes the solution virtually automatic.
Don't have a binary idea of good and bad people. Don't tell yourself that you're not in the category of racist people and therefore don't need to change any assumptions. Instead, be better: be as unracist as possible. She mixed up two Asian people or two black people in her class. Instead of asking herself whether she was a KKK racist, deciding "no" and moving on without learning, she instead decided to be better in the future, and make sure she didn't make that silly mistake again.
It's good she didn't answer "how". Each person has their own way, and telling you which one to use would only sound as preaching or trying to sell you something.
Integrity. That's it.
Integrity is self assurance and confidence wrapped in one. It doesn't matter if you're in the wrong, what matters is how you act in the moment. There will always be things that are globally panned, but something as simple as "I don't like apples" shouldn't make you have to explain why or convince them why you don't ad nauseam, or god forbid you agree with them just to be "nice".
This hatred of apples is nothing more than a preference, something people will remember about that person. Stand by your word, you could be the only one who's right in an argument, and it'll be your task to shift the argument to your side. How could somebody do this if they fold under pressure when their opinions are challenged?
@@zenith8417 I agree that integrity is important, but equally important is being certain that what you believe has a strong enough base to hold up under scrutiny. Based on your idea of integrity above, I could make the argument that white people are the superior race. If I am "self assured and confident" that my way of thinking is correct and won't buckle under the eyes of my peers, then am I right to think that? I guess what I'm saying is that while standing tall when under fire is important, being able to admit ones mistakes and learn from others is just as important.
Thank you Chugh I really feel this video was here for me as I was at my lowest point...god bless yu..hallelujah!!!
Stick with good! You're a better person. (good-better-best). You don't have to compare yourself to someone else to be a "better person". All for Rational Thought & Reasoning! Amen, this Thanksgiving Holiday! Everyone!
Sartre said it first: existence precede essence. It's not 'who you essentially are" that matters, it's what you do, renewed every moment.
Tired of being nice. Too much niceness has left me lacking inside, I have given my time and money to a life that bores me to tears. Being a moral good person has left me suicidal.
Well she’s right about this: people have extremely different definitions when they use terms.
To me, doing something “good” is truthful, loving, and helpful to the world, and doing something “bad” is selfish at the expense of others’ well-being, destructive, unfair.
But the only examples she gave of her “mistakes” were one random girl (same gender as her), out of years of teaching, got offended and claimed she was somehow “sexist”, and the other was mixing up two students by accidents.
Those aren’t moral mistakes.....
Other people getting offended for no reason and throwing a bizarre accusation at you for it is not the same as you doing an immoral thing. Her definition of “morality” seems to revolve around doing things that make her appear more as though she is fulfilling the irrational, shallow checklist of liberal buzzwords. “Inclusive”. “Diverse.” Overcomplicating things, trying to label and categorize absolutely every aspect of life into something that can somehow make SOMEBODY “offended” for no legitimate reason is not the path to morality. So if that’s what she’s after I actually agree-stop trying to be a “good person”.
But going by the traditional, conservative definition of morality-simply caring about people and trying to be more helpful to each other than harmful, is something the world is in desperate need of more of. I think we should just be honest and generally try to treat people as well as we can. But the reason for that, for valuing that clear & simple definition of morality, is not to avoid a meaningless label like “sexist” or “racist” from some random college student. Rather it is because being treated badly by someone with actual ill-intent feels awful, and we should just have less of that in the world. Stop worrying about these dumb labels if you are-try to find things and influences that will motivate you to actually care about people in a fair and honest way, judging them on an individual basis, and the rest will come as result without the shallow labeling, division, and statistics-carving.
Not only that we worry too much about other things!! that unfortunately we don't live in the moment..🌊🌴
Self-preservation, generosity, good listener, humility, patience, a forgiving nature... Oh, and a slice of cake every now and then.
i unknowingly hurt so many people. i’m doing whatever i can to do better
I guess its this thing which makes us make more mistakes in front of those who are always pointing out our mistakes or are pushy in some way.
I've been holding onto tightly to the image of being a good person that I forgot who I read am. I will now try and do my very best to get back the person I was the person I really am and stop hurting others. I'm truly sorry even though you won't see this... I won't do it again...
I fully agree with this!
Yea, we should point out the problems, later we figure out solutions. Furthermore, everyone does have their unique way to solve problems.
she herself looks a good person. I almost felt her crying multiple times during her speech.
In my beliefs there’s no right or wrong, good or bad. It’s all what the human collective consciousness has deemed as good or bad, and “good” gets us love. Love keeps us alive. Of course I wouldn’t kill someone but when people do the reincarnate
My dog had something in his eye and I told my friend and he said “well in my opinion if you can’t afford to take your pets to the vet you shouldn’t have pets” this hurt me because I can afford it but it’s just not such a huge issue like I can just clean his eye myself, If I need to take him to the vet I will.But because of what he said I have not been able to sleep for 2 days thinking about how I am a bad person or a bad dog Mum because I am not good enough. I feel like this friend looks down on me just because he has more money. Honestly it’s sad for him because money is not every thing. Idk I just feel really upset and still can’t sleep.
WOW!!!!! Thanks for this talk! A LOT!!!
Great video! Thanks for sharing
Excellent presentation..thank you.
Altyazıda her dil var bir türkçe yok teşekkürler TED!
Good is a threshold. We can be Good; what we can never be is Perfect. But just because you're Good doesn't mean you should stop trying to be Better.
She has such a lovely voice
Really Its NEAT&CLEAR
I'm working on being a better person in my life
Lol you don't have to change for others. A good person is a gem in this world. You distance yourself with people who try to use you. Never stop being a good person because of bad people
maybe ironic but she seems like a good person!
Let go of the past but learn from it. Become better every day.
شكرااا للمترجم شكرااااا♡
ارجو ترجمة كل جديد
wonderful speech....thank you very much....😄😄
Im still waiting for Ted to show up
So, Whenever my mental health drops a lot, i tend to hurt others around me, not wanting to, but i am because i’m projecting my insecurities on others. i instantly feel awful. and i never know what to do, i just apologize profusely but it has lead to my friends hating me. i want to be a better person. i have therapy sessions starting soon and i’m trying to develop better habits so i can be a better person. what are some things i can do so that i can be better at realizing when i’m getting bad mentally that i’m affecting others in a negative way as well? i want to do better.
Watch "Friends" and be better.
WOW, yeah I realized I was suffering from some sort of black and white myopia, but this fully elucidated it!
We care because “good” gets us love.
in this day and age, even being good is risky for your mental health.
I am going to be a better person from now on.
BEEEEEEN ON THIS MY WHOLE LIFE THIS AINT KNEW
Good message.
Good concept Dolly.
Brilliant!!
amazing!
Wow.. I was just listening to this talk on the TED app!
Our actions define us.
my friend was confused about me being a good person, what do I do? he thinks I'm not :((
I don't think a true friend is considered to make you feel like that. I have no idea if you are a good person or not, but even if you aren't, your friend's responsibility is to be there for you and instead of telling you "you are not a good person", she/he can help you find where your mistakes stems from, say to you what things you did made her/him feel bad and talk about it. Not to make you feel bad and guilty. That's wrong and it seems like your friend doesn't really care for your personal growth and generally doesn't seem to have respect for you.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your friend about that.
I try everyday to be a breed person than the day before! I pray everyone finds their true purpose and becomes successful with it!
I have a vision. My vision is to live in a world where the depression rate is zero and the suicide rate is zero. I believe that each and every one of us has the capacity to be a better person. That's why I make videos; for the sole purpose of helping people grow, develop and improve themselves, as well as their relationships.
@Marten Dekker I think you mean heartbreak, not depression. Depression is an illness. Surely, you're not suggesting that some people should be depressed. And regarding life isn't simple. I believe life is as simple as you can make it to be. My vision is idealistic, as it should be. I may never reach my vision but I'm going to die trying. And that's the whole point.
@@TanvirAhmed24 I love your vision but remember that mental illnesses such as depression can be passed on through genes and also happen without a cause or reason. It can also happen through factors of life such as a parent passing away or being told you are worthless by your parents. Yes a lot of these factors need to be changed but also a lot of them can't really be affected by others
Thank you! Yes, I am aware of that but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to help them. Also, what I'm trying to do is for them to recognize the tools they have at their disposal so that they can help themselves.
Saying depression isn't 100% bad is like saying cancer isn't 100% bad. You're confusing sadness, grief and despair with depression. The fact that you "know" it's wrong leads me to believe that you don't even know what depression actually is.
Depression isnt bad. Life needs balance. And sometimes going through a depression phase can make you self reflect on a lot of things you have done in the past. While your intentions might be pure your goal may not be.
Just as Thanos says "Perfectly balanced as all things should be"